We're Related?!

by arglefumph

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Applejack, Comedy, Pinkie Pie
Length: 1833

Pinkie Pie learns that she might be related to Applejack.

Pinkie Pie learns that she might be Applejack's cousin. She overreacts with fear and enthusiasm. Eventually, she goes on a journey to speak with the one family member who can confirm her true identity.

I wrote this story, based on the description of the upcoming episode, "Pinkie Apple Pie". I'm going to guess that the episode will take the premise in a completely different direction than I did.

Published 2014-01-10 11:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-10 11:00:01 UTC

Blood Is Thicker Than Water

After the recent vampire bat invasion, Ponyville Hospital decided to sponsor a big blood drive. Princess Twilight Sparkle, who really hadn't done anything princess-like in the past two months, decided to set a good example for her subjects by being the first to donate blood.

Naturally, she convinced all of her friends to help, as a bonding experience. She didn't ask them to come because she was scared of needles, no sir. She wanted them to come because giving blood to ponies in need is a great way to help society.

Little did Twilight know that this innocent hospital visit would rattle some skeletons in the Apple Family closet.

It started when Nurse Sweetheart came into the waiting room with several charts. "Okay, we have the results of the blood tests. All of you are good to donate, except Twilight Spurkle, Applejack and Pinkie Pie."

"What? That can't be right!" Twilight said.

"Yeah, her name is Twilight Sparkle!" said Pinkie.

Nurse Sweetheart sighed softly. "According to your chart, Miss Sparkle, you have Blood Type A-licorn. Unless Princess Cadance gets a nosebleed, we won't need any alicorn blood from you."

"Oh," Twilight said. "I have a rare blood type. I guess that makes sense."

"What about me?" Applejack said. "There's tons of ponies in my family!"

"Exactly. You have Blood Type A-pple," the nurse said. "We currently have three quarts of blood from the Apple Family, and we don't need any more. They hardly ever bleed."

"She's right! We are a hardy bunch after all!" Applejack said proudly.

"Ooo, me next!" Pinkie said. "What's wrong with my blood? Do I have low blood sugar?"

The nurse blinked. "I just said why. We don't need any more of Blood Type A-pple."

"But I...wait, WHAT?"

"Pinkie ain't part of the Apple Family!"

"That's not what the blood tests say," the nurse said.

"There must be some mistake," Twilight said, taking a look at the charts. "Pinkie Pie isn't...oh, my. Are you sure there wasn't a mix-up with the—no, 97% match—but that's impossible...unless..."

"What is it, Twi?" Applejack asked.

"The nurse is right. According to these tests...the two of you are cousins."

"WE'RE RELATED?" Pinkie Pie screamed. "NO NO NO NO NO!!!"

Everypony looked at each other, concerned. "Pinkie, are you okay?" Rarity asked.

"Okay?! I'm fine!" Pinkie shouted frantically. "I don't care what my sisters say! I'm not adopted!"

"Your sisters say you're adopted?" Rainbow Dash asked.

Pinkie's eyes widened as unwanted childhood memories filled her head.

Filly Pinkie struggled to catch up to her big sisters. "Hey, wait for me! Come on, wait up!"

Marble and Limestone rolled their eyes. "Go away, Pinkamena! This is for family members only!"

"I'm part of the family!" Pinkie said.

"Please. You were adopted! That's why you're the only one who's pink."

"Yeah! You're not our real sister! Why don't you go away and leave us alone?"

Pinkie shook her head sadly. "Growing up, my sisters said I was a bas—they said I wasn't really part of the family. That I was adopted."

Applejack put her hoof around Pinkie's shoulder. "I'm sorry to hear that, Sugarcube."

"I got teased as a filly, too..." Fluttershy said.

Pinkie took a deep breath and cheered up. "It's okay! That was a long time ago, and I'm totally over it by now! Only...gosh, I can't believe it! I was adopted! This is...this is CRAZY!"

"We don't know that for sure," Twilight said.

"Then how do I have Apple Blood?" Pinkie asked. "I'm not a blood banker or a normal banker or an abnormal banker, but that seems pretty strange to me!"

"Well...if you are related to my family, it must be through our second cousin, Cinnamon Apple Pie," Applejack said reasonably. "Although it's kinda unlikely she had a secret daughter without tellin' anypony."

"See? CRAZY!" Pinkie said. "If I'm Applejack's cousin, that means....OH MY GOSH! We have to have a party for this! There are so many ponies to tell! This will change our lives FOREVER!!!"

"Uh..." Applejack said, her face falling as she considered what the hyper pink pony might do. "Maybe we'd better have another test done..."

"You can ask about it at the front desk," Nurse Sweetheart said. "Now, can we please get started with the blood donations?"

The next morning, Applejack was getting ready to do her morning chores, when Pinkie Pie appeared, wearing cowboy boots and a hat that was five feet tall. She was pulling a cart of boxes behind her.

"Howdy, Cuzzin!"

"What in tarnation?" Applejack asked.

"Ah'm hyar t'help y'all wif d'farm!" Pinkie said. "And Ah gots y'all tons o' presents! Sorry 'bout missin' yo' birfdays fo' th' past ten y'ars!"

"...My family doesn't talk like that," Applejack said.

"Really? Darn! I was up all night practicing the Apple Family Accent," Pinkie said. She shoved a box into Applejack's face. "Anyway, check it out! I got three-blade razors for Big McIntosh! Now he won't cut himself when he shaves anymore!"

"Uh...hate to break it to you, but my brother is covered in fur. Why would he need a razor?"

Pinkie's face fell. "But...you were singing about his shaving problems at the last family reunion, Cuz!"

"I...what? I did no such thing!"

Pinkie opened her mouth and sang a song.

Razor burn, razor burn
One Two Three Four
How many blades cause razor burn?
One Two Three Four

"That's Raise This Barn!" Applejack said.

"Dang, I ding-done got th' ackcent wrong agin!" Pinkie said. "Ain't no problem, Cuzzy! Ah'm hyar t'help y'all beeeyuck th'apples!"

"That's grand of you to volunteer, but we don't need help with the apple tree—dang it, Pinkie!"

Pinkie ran away, and Applejack had to chase after her. Applejack tripped over Pinkie's massive hat, and landed facefirst in the mud. By the time Applejack caught up to Pinkie, the party pony was poised to kick a thick tree.

"Watch! I'm great at hitting things!" Pinkie said.

"Wait, you're in the wrong—!" Applejack called, but it was too late. Pinkie Pie hit the tree at the wrong angle, smashing her entire leg against it, instead of just her hoof.

"OW!!!! OWIE!!! OWWWWWW!!!!" Pinkie cried, tears flowing from her eyeballs like a faucet.

"I tried to warn yah," Applejack said. "That's the wrong position for bucking trees. You need to do it like THIS."

Applejack mightily kicked the tree with her hind legs. Pinkie Pie was impressed, until all the apples fell down on top of her. One even hit her injured leg.

"Owwwwww! I hate farming!!!" Pinkie Pie said.

"You know, you don't have to help around the farm," Applejack said.

"Yes, I do! I'm a member of the family now! It means apple farming is in my blood!" Pinkie Pie said. "Oooo, maybe I should move to the farm and live with you! We can share the same bedroom and be like sisters! Yeehaw!"

"Okay, that does it," Applejack said. "You and I are gonna get this sorted out, right now."

"Huh?" Pinkie Pie asked.

"We're going to the hospital and getting the results of the paterneighty test you signed up for."

"But the doctor said it takes a week for the results to come in!"

"Maybe they got the results in early!" Applejack said.

Pinkie's lower lip started trembling. "Are you saying you don't want me to be your cousin?" she asked.

"Oh...of course not, Sugarcube. I just...I want to know for sure if you're an Apple or not."

"Hmmm..." Pinkie Pie said thoughtfully. "There's only one pony who can answer that question."

Pinkie's parents were on the swing on the front porch, gently rocking back and forth, when Pinkie Pie approached them.

"Pinkamena?"

"Why didn't you tell us you were coming to visit?" Cloudy Quartz asked. "I would have—"

"Hi, Mom and Dad!" Pinkie said. "If that's really who you are!"

Pinkie pulled out a keyboard and played a dramatic sting on it, while her parents looked at each other, confused.

"What?" Cloudy asked.

"I came here to ask you guys a question!" Pinkie said. "Am I adopted?"

The brow of Pinkie's father furrowed, while Pinkie's mother turned scarlet. "I—I didn't—"

"See, I got a blood test recently, which says I'm an Apple Family cousin, and—"

Pinkie's father stood up, quickly. "I have nothing to say about this!" he said. "Nothing! If you want answers, you best look elsewhere! Now get off my property!"

"But Dad—"

"Igneous, you can't—"

"GO!" Igneous said angrily. He turned and immediately stormed into the house, slamming the door behind him.

Pinkie's ears flattened on her head. "I...I guess I'll go, then."

Pinkie walked back towards the front gate of the rock farm, when her mother called out, "Stop!"

"Huh?" Pinkie asked.

Pinkie's mother, Cloudy Quartz, trotted up alongside her. "You can't leave yet, Pinkie! Not before you learn the truth."

"So I am adopted!" Pinkie said. "But why didn't you tell me?"

"That's not it," Cloudy said. "I'm your mother, but...Igneous isn't your father."

"Whaaaaaaat?!" Pinkie asked.

"I had an affair with Macoun Apple, when I became pregnant with you," Cloudy said. "He's your real father."

Pinkie's jaw dropped. "I...my father? I...oh, wow. I'm half Pie and half Apple?"

Cloudy nodded. "I should have told you sooner, but...I was ashamed.of cheating on Igneous. And the topic never came up, because I broke off all contact with Macoun..."

"I...I guess I'll have to meet him, then," Pinkie said.

Cloudy hugged her daughter. "Look, it doesn't matter who your father is," she said. "We all love you, no matter what."

"Thanks, Mom," Pinkie said, hugging her back. "It's just...this is a lot to handle."

"I know it is. I'm sorry."

Pinkie talked with her mother some more, before leaving the rock farm. At the front gate, Applejack and her family were there, waiting by a cart.

"How'd it go?" Applejack asked.

"Are you our cousin?" Apple Bloom asked.

"Well, it turns out that I wasn't adopted, but I am related to the Apple Family!" Pinkie Pie said. "Mom gave me a name I've never heard of before. Do you know Macoun Apple?"

"Of course! What does Dad have to do with this?" Applejack asked.

Pinkie's face paled. "Your father is Macoun Apple?"

"Eeeyup," Big McIntosh said.

"But I—that means we—he's my father, too!" Pinkie jumped up and gave the Apple siblings a hug. "I'm your new half-sister!"

"WHAAAAT?" the Apples all said at once.

"Eeeyup!" Pinkie said. "We're more closely related than I thought! Isn't that wonderful?"

"Uh..."

"I..."

"Pinkie..."

Granny Smith spit on the ground. "Well, shucks, welcome to the family!" she said. "You can be in charge of making apple cakes and pies!"

"YAY!" Pinkie cheered.

And as Pinkie Pie went home with her new family, they all sang a song called Apples to the Core. They were so happy that they didn't notice Discord in the background, watching them.

"Huh," Discord said. "That practical joke didn't go the way I planned. Oh well."

The End