You know, I thought being a indestructible robot being was a good thing. Now, I seriously doubt that.
Why? Because thanks to Sheppy the galaxy’s hero, I’ve been transported to a world populated by candy-colored equines. Yep. That’s correct. Candy-colored equines capable of speaking the language of the humans and the turians and the Protheans and the Forerunners and yadda yadda yadda.
I personally thought Shepard was going to choose Destroy. Of course, Harbinger thought he was going to choose Synthesis. And why not, really? It was the Catalyst’s best solution to us. But noo, Sheppy just had to go and blast open the power conduit. And oh, lo and behold, Harbinger got his robot ass kicked by a big cannon thingy without so much as a scream. Or a horn. Whatever these organics call our noises is beyond me.
And guess what? I got to see the rest of the Reapers die with me. LoL, I know. They got blasted apart by red light. Guess they should have braked. But noo, the red light won’t kill the mini-reaper, who’s about the size of a small dog but capable of untold levels of destruction. It’ll just shut him off and transport him to Catalyst-knows where, and spit him out without a care in the world. Fantastic.
So there I was, floating the middle of space, a tiny speck of robot machinery just... floating in a void. Nothing special there. I mean, I wasn’t like I was going anywhere. Right? Nooo, no, wrong. I got pulled in by a sun that just happened to move at the exact time I entered the system, and I found myself screaming for my synthetic life as I flew by a heliosphere of massive proportions that did little to damage me. But that flare was really close. And that explosion? Don’t even get me started on that explosion. Ugh... everything just has to explode when I’m around. Usually I’m the one causing them, though. Now it’s the one breaking me.
So, what can a miniature-sized Reaper do? Shamelessly ride the force current with all my back flaps open to a nearby planet. Solar sailing is fun, you’ve got to try it sometime. Of course, it doesn’t really help that my eezo core is damaged, or that I can’t make more than a small sting with my laser. Oh well, I thought, seeing as whatever civilization inhabited this strange Gaia-type rocky sphere didn’t even have satellites. I could easily begin a plot for world domination... besides, all organics fear me. I’m a Reaper, for crying out loud. Who doesn’t fear the Reaper? Well, maybe those Blue Öyster Cult people... but they’re long dead! There ain’t no Necromancer in Dogul Dor to resurrect them! They were the last people to preach “Don’t fear the damn Reaper”, or whatever their song went like. Oh well. They were human year 1970 people or something like that. Doesn’t matter. What does matter is that before I even began the plunge into the atmosphere, I crash-landed on their moon.
Yep. Just when you make up the best plan to take over a world by yourself, a fucking moon has to get in the way. Normally I would have blasted it to pieces, but seeing as my magnetohydrodynamic cannon was broken, I was forced to do a little walking. Being the size of a regular Earth canine probably didn’t help much with the walking, I’ll admit. But it only took seven weeks to make it to the light side of the moon. This space rock moves too, you know.
And there was the damn planet below me, calling me, screaming, “I WANT YOU BABY!!!... AND I AIN’T GONNA LET YOU GO!” And who can resist the call of a planet begging for domination? Certainly not a synthetic being specifically designed to destroy organics so that synthetics won’t destroy them. Ironic, I know. Anyway, I jumped off the moon and flew through space at several thousand miles an hour... because, you know, I can. I’m a mini-Reaper. I can do anything. Even burst straight through the atmosphere of a planet not on anyone’s charts, Reaper or not, and which apparently no extraterrestrial life has ever set foot on. World domination would be easy. Or so I thought.
Because the inhabitants of this world are candy-colored equines. Did I not mention that before? They look like someone decided to mash up an Earth horse with humans and then at the last minute color everything over with Magic Marker. Completely absurd. I know. Hilarious when you first meet them.
And then the ones with horns can shoot bolts of energy at you, the ones with wings can fly and make tornados, and the ones without anything unusual can buck an apple tree so hard that the fruit falls on your head like machine-gun rounds. Or... control cortex. Or eye. Definitely gotta watch out for the ones that hit the eye.
Anyway, I finally got caught by these strange and amazingly...cute ponies. Of course, they locked me in a cage in some sort of library and proceeded to stare at me for quite a bit. I couldn’t help but notice exactly how... cute they were. Like baby birds. Or maybe a foal. No. Wait. The foal part is redundant. The actuality of the situation was that I was trapped in a metal cage with six...uh,... ponies giving me harsh looks.
Finally, five of them left and the last one, a purple...unicorn, they called her, opened my cage and picked me up. There was a logical reason as to why she could. I was reducing my weight. Eezo really has its benefits. Then, she smiled, put me down in a corner, and then proceeded to tell me that I would be her new assistant.
So now I’m fighting for the attention of a purple mare named Twilight against a small purple dragon and a square-shaped brown owl. This is... going to be fun. Of course, following her around this small, Earth-medieval era town carrying a ton (literally) of books on top of my... head is certainly not the best way to spend the next aeon. Certainly a worse fate than Destroy. Oh well, If only Marauder Shields shot and killed Sheppy. Then, none of this would have happened.
Oh, how I wish I wasn’t an immortal, indestructible Reaper Destroyer the size of a canine. If I was a full-sized Reaper, well, at least I wouldn’t be a pet.
Author's Note
This is satire. DO NOT TAKE IT SERIOUSLY.
Also, this is not me, I am not a miniature Destroyer in the employment of Twilight Sparkle who apparently is broken and has to compete for a job with Spike and Owlowiscious. I. AM. A. HUMAN. BEING. And I just finished Mass Effect 3.
There you go. Have a nice day.
