How much wood can a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck norris?

by Lighterlight1887

Rating: mature
Tags: Human, Sad, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Other, Sex, Tragedy, Random, Slice of Life
Length: 1046

Chuck Norris has had a bad day, and he is a very irritated Norris. It is then he finds out ponies don't have vaginal periods, and in his grumpy agitation decides to fix that with a good'old mass-rape of every mare in Equestria once a mont

Chuck Norris has had a bad day, and he is a very irritated Norris. It is then he finds out ponies don't have vaginal periods, and in his grumpy agitation decides to fix that with a good'old mass-rape of every mare in Equestria once a month. At the same time however, he does something horribly tragic in the process. Beware as he can fuck a mare faster than you can say "Disliked".

Published 2014-01-08 18:00:12 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-08 18:00:12 UTC

Bruce Lee is a faggot

Chuck Norris had just walked out of the filming studio, looking at his bro-nigga Bruce Lee, who was shirtless with his super-hot and sweaty Asian 6-Pack showing.

"Hello my man!" He exclaimed at Bruce, who in turn looked back at the Chuck.

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey." Bruce responded in his stereo-typical Asian accent. "How you doing???"

"Better than Miley Cyrus that's for sure as shit. I have a question to ask you, though, Asian."

"Ah, yes. What is it Chuck?"

"If you are the one who defeats me in this movie, will that not ruin my reputation as ultimate-undefeatedable-idolof12yrolds-super God?"

"Aha, yes indeed! But you don't care, right?"

"Actually, I do, Bruce."

"Well fuck you!" And ever since that day Chuck Norris had been irritated.

Present Day

Chuck Norris was currently jacking off to porn of himself on his laptop, when his Skype friend Bruce Lee messaged him, who was currently in hell. Why? He was too good at math.

"What does faggot Asian want." He closed his manly porn and opened up his Skype tab, reading the message.

"You know why there is no Bruce Lee jokes? Because Bruce Lee is no joke! Aahahaaha *Typical asian laughter*" Chuck Norris then became enraged. His blood boiled in his brain, turning it into steamy mush. Because Chuck Norris however he did not die.

"Fuck you asian dickhead!" He smashed his computer screen, before becoming even more enraged. "Ah all these insults only a 12 yr old would use! I am becoming a fucking embarrassment!" As he panted, he heard his door open. As he looked in that direction he saw his retarded kid, wearing a Call of Duty cap and nerd glasses.

"Dad?"

"What is it, son."

"I'm a brony." Chuck Norris' eye twitched, slowly turning to look at his son.

"...What?"

"I said I'm a brony.." His son smiled, his small immature cock stiring in his jeans at the sight of his dad.

"...What makes you like these... these ponies." He tried hard not to insult them.

"I like them because they don't have vaginal periods like ugly, gross human women!" This was it. Chuck Norris could not take it any longer.

".....AAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURHG!!!!!" Chuck Norris' entire body began to glow a bright white, as years and years of pent up rage began to take over him. His body began to shake and twitch, mountainous Chuck Norris power boiling inside of him.

He could not take any more bull shit.

"..Dad?" His son asked in stupid curiosity.

"...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!" His dad then went inside the broken computer screen, because Chuck Norris.

He looked around. He had made it to his destination.

"Equestria..." His eyes glanced at all the mares. All that pony pussy that was open to the free air-- the lack of clothes making it a heaven for any immature perverted boy. He could already see the rustling bushes as who knows how many young colts were jacking off to the sight of it all.

"...This.. this happiness." Chuck Norris began. "..I do not allow of this!!!!" He flew to the first mare, who screamed as he grabbed her so hard he probably broke a few bones. His pants then evaporated, revealing his glowing and burning hot Chuck Norris cock, white holy light shining from it. "THE POWER OF NORRIS COCK COMPELS YOU!!" He then began to rape her, pounding her so hard in the cunt that gallon and gallons of blood began to spurt out. "MAY YOU BE BLESSED WITH YOUR FIRST PERIOD!! THIS WILL BE THE FIRST OF MANY!!!" He proceeded to cum inside of her, his mighty and manly balls expelling their infinite amount of cum into the mare.

"EQUESTRIA SHALL BE CURED WITH HUMAN GROSSNESS FROM NOW ON!!! NO LONGER WILL YOUR MARES BE PURE AND CLEAN!" He went on to fuck every single mare in Equestria, his perma-erection expelling gallons and gallons of cum everywhere. When he was finished, he floated up in the sky, looking down at his handywork. Blood was everywhere, mares running
randomly in confusion and panic as blood poured out of their disgusting cunts.

"My job here is done." Free from his irritation, Chuck Norris teleported back to his room, where he saw his son looking at him in complete horror.

"...My dad.. what have you done..?" He slowly asked, the expression on his face mimicking one of someone who had just lost everything their life meant to them.

"I have done the right thing." Chuck Norris replied. His son Dakota could not take it though. He felt his world crashing all around him, all his hopes, wishes, excitement and innocence being torn away from him.

"..I... I'm sorry." He quietly said, pulling out a pistol from his anus.

"Dakota! No!" Chuck Norris replied in shock. His son could not be this immature! What was this??

*Gunshot*

Chuck Norris suddenly felt cold, his heart nearly stopping at the sight that had just unfolded in-front of him. He watched in horror as his son fell to the ground, blood and brain matter sprayed against the nearby wall. Blood and brain matter that belonged to his son-- not just a shitty Call of Duty game. Even though the only Call of Duty game that actually had decent gore was World at War.

He stared at his son's lifeless body on the ground. It was then he knew.. his time had come. He ripped off his cock, pointing it to his head like a gun. This was it. This was finally it.

"..Goodbye, wo--" He was cut off as the Skype notification sound came up. He cursed as his curiosity overtook him, and he went to his now magically fixed laptop, checking the message. It was from Bruce Lee.

"You know why Bruce Lee is so much better than Chuck Norris?? Because he is better at math! Ahahaahahahahaha--"

*Gunshot*

Author's Note

aye ain't this the shit my boys. i really hope i don't end up in that alternate universe where all this shit happened

i do not own any of the Chuck Norris or Bruce Lee in this shitfic, and their personalities are totally not the same as in real life. btw i wrote this while i was nude with my dick in my hand