Dash Can't Cook

by Captain Unstoppable

Rating: teen
Tags: Big Macintosh, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Romance, Comedy
Length: 3518

Rainbow Dash is in trouble! Tonight is the first night of living with Big Mac, and the country stallion is probably expecting a home cooked meal. The only problem though, is she can't cook! Can Dash make a meal in time? Or will it go down in fla

Rainbow Dash isn’t a traditional mare. She didn’t care to learn how to bake cookies when she was little, or help her mother cook, and never wanted a doll to play with. She was a tomcolt from the moment she was born, acting more like a colt each day. While other little fillies played with their dolls and talked about secret crushes, she was challenging colts to races and beating them.

So when Big Mac moves in with her, how is she supposed to tell the farm pony who was used to home cooked meals that she didn’t know how to cook?

Thanks to,
jszellmer for the edits! I know you must hate me at times.

KarmaDash for always being there for story bouncing.

SketchinEtch for the cover art!

Published 2014-01-06 17:30:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-06 17:30:03 UTC

Dash Can't Cook

Dash Can't Cook

Rainbow Dash Can’t Cook

“What do you mean you don’t know how to cook?!” Twilight half shouted as she sat in the library with Rainbow Dash, who was now glaring at Twilight with a faint blush on her face.

“I mean I don’t know how to cook!” she shouted back, folding her forelegs over her chest and giving a snort of annoyance. Twilight smacked her hoof against her forehead as she looked at her friend. Even she, a bookworm, as ponies liked to remind her, knew how to cook; it was something most mares learned from their mothers.

“Didn’t your mom teach you how to cook?” Twilight asked, which earned another snort of aggravation from Rainbow Dash, who still had a faint blush on her face. It was a subject she didn’t really like to talk about.

“Well she tried, but I’m not into all that girly stuff!” she said, stretching her forelegs into the air. “I didn’t care to learn how to bake cookies or to cook dinner with mom; all I wanted to do was fly and learn how to race. Cool ponies don’t need to learn how to cook,” she said, grumbling as she reached for a cookie on the table and ate it.

Twilight was still confused, however. She knew that Rainbow was a tomcolt, but still she would have thought Rainbow would have learned to cook for herself while she was living alone. Then again, she always did seem to be buying meals one could heat up easily or having dinner with Applejack and her family. That would explain how she and Big Mac first started to get to learn about one another.

“Look, I don’t have time for this!” Rainbow snapped as she looked at the blank face of her friend, who seemed to be still trying to process the information. “Big Mac is going to come home tonight from working the field and I bet he is going to expect some kind of home cooked meal!” she said as she placed her head in her hooves. “This is so stupid!” she growled, looking up at Twilight. “So, can I borrow some kind of book to make something?” she asked, feeling a bit of her pride diminish as she uttered these words.

Twilight, however, got stars in her eyes as Rainbow asked her for a book. “Oh, I have the best cooking books in all of Equestria!” she said with a grin as she turned to the bookshelves, her horn glowing purple as she started to pull the books out of there spots. “This is one of my favorite ones here, it has so many different recipes for stew and salads! Oh! You might like this one, it has the perfect meals for athletes and performers to help with nerves. Or you could really impress Mac with this one! It has all the recipes used by the Princesses’ chefs! Then there is…” Twilight could have gone on and on about the books she had available, but was stopped when Rainbow’s hoof covered her mouth.

“Just. Give. Me. The. Easiest. One.” Rainbow growled through gritted teeth as she stared at the librarian. Twilight just nodded as a thin green book hovered between the two. Rainbow grabbed the book and looked at the cover of the book, which was inscribed in yellow print.

The 101 Recipes Every Housewife should Know.

Rainbow just stared at the cover of the book for a few moments, not sure how to react to be given such a book. So finally she just used the reaction she had been using for most of the day. Anger.

“What the bucking hell Twilight?!” She shouted, slamming the book hard on the table, making the plates and cups on the table jump and the unicorn to let out a small squeak of horror. “Mac and I are not married! We have just been dating for the last five months! And who in the right mind would ever think I would become a bucking housewife?!” she shouted, just the word housewife made her blood boil. She was not going to be a stay at home kind of mare who let her husband do all the work.

“I di-didn’t mean any-anything by it, Rainbow,” Twilight stuttered out, afraid of upsetting Rainbow Dash any more. “It’s just a very simple recipe book; it’s the one my mom taught me from,” she said with a smile, trying to reassure Rainbow Dash, afraid that she might throw something out the window or destroy the library with a Sonic Rainboom. Rainbow Dash just stared at Twilight for a second then at the book, then back at Twilight.

“Are you sure Mac will like something out of this book?” she asked, her voice considerably lower now and almost sounding unsure. This was a tone Twilight was sure no pony had ever heard. Was she really this worried about not being able to impress Big Mac with a home cooked meal?

It was a surprise enough when she had heard the two of them were going out; they were the opposite of one another in almost every way. Most ponies didn’t see the relationship lasting long. Even Twilight thought it would end just as fast it had started, but the pair proved the town wrong. Now it was common sight to see Rainbow Dash on the Apple farm with Big Mac, or seeing Big Mac going to the Wonderbolts races with Rainbow Dash. The two seemed to be inseparable. Some ponies were saying that the main reason the two were moving into Rainbow’s house was due to the fact Mac’s room was next to Applejack’s and that certain night time activities were keeping the orange mare awake, and was able to hear things that she never wanted to hear again.

“I am positive!” Twilight said, smiling as honestly as she could, trying not to force the smile. “And remember who we are talking about Dash, Mac wouldn't love you any more or any less if you didn’t know how to cook.” Rainbow looked up at Twilight, unsure by this answer, but that uncertainty soon morphed into a grin. The kind of grin that Rainbow Dash only got when a challenge was presented to her.

“Are you kidding me?! If I can make an awesome meal form this dumb book, Mac would go crazy over me!” Rainbow laughed, “Just imagine how surprised he will be when he comes back home, not only to the greatest marefriend of all time, but the greatest marefriend of all time that can cook!” With this, Rainbow took the book and placed it in the dark blue saddle bag she was carrying with and blasted out of the library, leaving a wide eyed and shocked Twilight in her wake.

--

Rainbow Dash threw open the door of the cloud home she now shared with Mac, and blasted off towards the kitchen. She was so excited about the expression on Mac’s face when he saw her cooking, that she didn’t even care that it was almost too frilly like to be deemed cool. Upon entering the kitchen she tossed her saddlebag on to the counter and pulled out the book.

“Now lets see,” Rainbow said as she opened the book to a random page and started to flip through it, trying to find a recipe that would be simple to make, but still able to impress Mac. “A salad? No, not cool enough just, leafs and stuff,” Rainbow mumbled as she flipped through the salad section. “Vegetable stew? Eh, sounds too hard. Spaghetti?” Rainbow looked down at the page before her, the page displayed a picture of a plate of steaming spaghetti. Just looking at the picture made her stomach growl in hunger. “We got ourselves a winner,” Rainbow said confidently as she started to read what she needed.

Putting her hoof against the page, she started to trail down the list of ingredients she needed for this awesome dinner, “Lets see; need a package of noodles, tomato paste, tomato sauce, carrots, and...what the heck is bay leaf?” Rainbow Dash asked herself. Shrugging, she decided she didn’t need it; she didn’t know what it was, so obviously it wasn’t important. Setting to work, she quickly walked toward the pantry of her cloud home.

She had rarely gone grocery shopping in the past, so she wasn’t all that sure if she had everything she needed. Since she had been dating Big Mac though, he had made it a mission to buy her groceries. At first she rejected the idea of him buying her anything, though he was very persistent on the matter, stating that it was unhealthy for to live in a home with almost no food in it. Mostly he had bought her such things as easy to heat up popcorn or cheese pizza, but at times he had bought her ingredients.

Looking around the inside of the pantry she saw a box of bow tie noodles she had once bought. Examining the box, she noticed they were to have been used several months ago. “I’m sure they're still good,” Rainbow said, as she tossed the box towards the counter where she was to cook She then turned her sights on the white and fluffy cloud fridge.

Opening the door of the fridge, she looked around for what she needed. She saw a bag of carrots right away and took the bag out, tossing it on the counter as well. Her eyes then refocused for the other two ingredients she needed. She scanned her fridge a few times, pushing objects such as lettuce, beets, leftover hay fries, and all the unlimited apples she could eat from her coltfriend’s farm. Looking at the apples, she couldn't help but think of Mac. He was going to be arriving soon, to spend their first night together in their home.

Moving the apples to the side, her face lit up as she saw the items she had been looking for. Extending her wings, she was able to lift up the jar of tomato sauce quite easily and placed it on the counter, before going back for the can of tomato paste. As she set the can down, she started to look both of them over. They didn’t seem to be expired yet, so they should still be good. Turning back to the book she started to read the instructions out loud.

“Fill a bowl with three fourths cold water and put pot on stove and set burner for high, sounds simple enough,” Rainbow reached for a cupboard and pulled out a large black pot. Looking back at the book she focused on the word cold. How cold was the water supposed to be? Looking at the page a few times she couldn't figure it out, and why cold water anyway? Wouldn't it be faster to use hot water instead if she needed to get the water to boil.

“Stupid book, it’s just making this harder than it should be,” Rainbow said as she placed the pot under the sink and started to pour burning hot water into it. With a nod of approvement she turned back to the book to read the next step as she waited for the pot to fill. “Add a teaspoon of salt or two depending on how much pasta you plan to make.” Rainbow thought about it for a second, Mac was a big pony, she had seen him put away more food than should be healthy, but again, he was constantly working and those muscles of his needed sustenance.

As much as she wanted to linger about the thought of Mac’s muscles, she had work to be done to impress the stallion with how awesome she was! Lifting the pot out of the sink, she placed it on the burner and turned it to high. Looking around her kitchen, she saw the spice cupboard that Mac made for her and flew over to it, pulling out a package of salt.

“Lets see...how much is a teaspoon?” Dash asked herself as she opened up the silverware drawer. Inside, all she saw was the normal spoons she would use for eating cereal or ice cream. Deciding that it didn’t matter any, she grabbed a spoon with her wing and scooped up a large amount of salt with it. “Well, I am going to use all the noodles, so five spoonfuls should be good!” With that, Rainbow repeated the motion of scooping up large amounts of salt and dumped it into the pot, which was now beginning to boil. Seeing that her way was faster, she felt more confident in her ability to cook. Maybe this stuff wasn’t as hard as she thought it would be.

“Next, add desired amount of noodles. Pfft! This is so easy!” Rainbow laughed, she ripped open the box of noodles and dumped it into the pot. “As you wait for the pot to boil, take out another pot and pour jar of tomato sauce in,” Rainbow read. “Heh, as if I need to wait!” She quickly took out another pot and popped open the jar of tomato sauce. Pouring the contents in, she began to read the next set of instructions.

“Turn burner on medium and begin to shred carrots to add into the pot of sauce along with tomato paste,” Rainbow looked at the instruction and then to the carrots, and back again. How was she supposed to shred carrots? Putting the pot on the burner and turning it to medium, Dash looked at the carrots in front of her, not sure on what to do. She knew what shredded carrots were, but she had no idea on how to shred them. With a grunt she let her eyes wander around the kitchen as she considered this problem; that was when her eyes fell upon the blue clock on the wall.

“Buck! Mac’s going to be home in less than a hour!” Rainbow shouted, she thought she had more time to cook this, where did all that time go?! “Okay, no problem Rainbow, it’s just like a race, just need to beat him to the finish line,” she said, psyching herself up as if she was in a race to prove she was Wonderbolt material. Reaching into the drawer she had gotten the spoon from, she pulled out a sharpen knife and attacked the carrots with savagery. Maybe if she cut the carrots up enough, they would look shredded.

After her little carrot massacre, that left little orange pieces all over the counter, she turned to the tomato paste and reached for the lid; this was when another obstacle was thrown in her way. Unlike the tomato sauce, this was in a can, and she needed a can opener to get it open. Rainbow Dash started to run around the kitchen, throwing each and every drawer and cabinet open to find the can opener. Silverware, pots, pans, and other kitchen appliances littered the ground as she searched, but she could not find the elusive object.

Knowing she didn’t have time to keep looking, she took the knife she had used to chop the carrots up and attacked the can. She stabbed at the top of it till there was a big enough hole that the paste could slip out. Turning towards the pot of sauce, she started to throw the carrots in, but that was when she noticed that her pot of noodles was boiling over, and hot water was starting to cover the stove and floor.

“Oh, come on!” Rainbow shouted, as she grabbed the sides of the pot and threw it into the sink without thinking. The contents splashed into the sink and onto the cloud floor below, spreading noodles everywhere. Rainbow cursed under her breath as she tried to right the pot, to save whatever noodles were left. This time she grabbed the pot with her hooves, and recoiled as she burned herself, letting more noodles drop to the floor.

Rainbow watched as the noodles started to sink into the clouds to fall to the earth below. Unlike her kitchen appliances and Mac, they didn’t have any special enchantments or amulets to allow them to float on clouds. Sitting down on the floor, she watched as all her hard work disappeared, just like her hopes of impressing Mac. Then, as if things couldn't get any worse, she heard the front door opening, signalling Mac was there.

“Howdy Rainbow, Ah’m hom-” Mac had entered the kitchen just as a giant red bubble of tomato sauce formed in the pot, and exploded. Tomato sauce splattered around the kitchen, coating everything with bits of red sauce. Mac blinked in surprise as he stood in the doorway, not too sure what had happened, while Rainbow sat in the middle of the room, bit of red all over her as she stared down at the cloud floor.

“Rainbow, what jus-”

“I’m sorry Mac!” Rainbow blurted out, cutting Mac off as the last moment. “I was trying to be a good marefriend by making you a home cooked meal, but I don’t know how to cook! So I went to Twilight for help and she lent me a book about easy recipes. Well, spaghetti isn’t easy to make Mac! It’s actually really bucking hard! I know you are used to cooked meals, but I don’t know how to cook, I’m a horrible-” This time, it was Rainbow Dash who was cut off when a strong foreleg wrapped around her and pulled her into a tight hug.

“Ah didn’t expect yea to cook anythin,” Mac said, his voice deep and soothing to Rainbow, but she could hear him trying to hold back laughing. “Ah didn’t fall fer yea cookin skills, Celestia knows you have none,” Mac actually started to laugh at this, which Rainbow replied with stepping on his other forelegs hoof hard.

“What does that mean?” Rainbow snapped. How dare he make fun of her when she tried her hardest at something! Their first night of living together might end up with Mac sleeping on the couch. Mac didn’t stop hugging Rainbow, but he did give a slow hiss of pain as he felt her stepping on his hoof.

“Rainbow, Ah remember when A.J. asked you to help with supper one night, you're the only pony Ah know that managed to burn a salad.” This time it was Rainbow who laughed; she almost had forgotten the night Applejack had asked her to help out with making supper.

That night also turned out to be the last time she had ever been asked to help cook at the Apple farm; she had somehow not only managed to burn the salad for that evening, but a few apples as well. This was also the same night Mac asked her out on their first date. Laughing still, she looked up at Mac who was grinning back at her.

“Okay, good point you lug,” Rainbow said, leaning forward and nuzzled her head under Mac’s chin. “But you better enjoy being right, because it won’t last long,” she added before giving him a peck on the cheek. Mac just gave a simple nod as he returned the affection that was given to him by kissing her on the nose. The two ponies than just sat there, leaning against one another in the sauce splattered kitchen. Rainbow Dash could have stayed like that all night, but her stomach started to growl and was soon joined by Mac’s.

“So, what are we going to do about dinner?” Rainbow asked looking up at Mac, who had a slight red tint to his face due to his stomach’s timing.

“Granny and Applejack already have a place set at the dinner table for us, we just need to get their before Bloom eats it all herself,” Mac said, standing up and giving the kitchen a once over. “Ah guess we can clean this up tomorrow. No need to worry about this now,” he said with a slight grin and gave Rainbow another kiss, this time on the forehead. Rainbow just out a small squeal at the sudden kiss. Even though the had been together for five months, anytime Mac did some sign of affection, being a sudden kiss or surprising her with a gift of some sort, made her revert to some kind of love struck filly.

“I guess you are right,” she said with a slight huff, “But again, don’t get used to it,” she also stood up and, leaning against one another, started to make their way towards the farm. That was until they heard the fire alarm go off, and the smell of smoke filled their nostrils.

“Rainbow! Get the fire cloud!”

Author's Note

Thanks to everyone who is reading this! I hope you have enjoyed the story and will leave a nice comment and a like for me! Also, if you are trapped in the snow like me stay warm! I think this is the only reason why this story has actually gotten published.