Oh Hell No!by Flint SparksChaptersOh hell no!Hayyy girls.Staying AliveOh hell no!Lashona Ariana Burkes was living the life. Having just paid off her mortgage, sent her last kid to college, and currently celebrating with vanilla ice cream in New York City. Indeed, it was the American dream. Currently clocking at two hundred pounds of sheer sass, the strong independent woman walked down the sidewalk without a care in the world. She considered herself average, as many Americans did. Born and raised in the ghetto, Lashona quickly learned that the world was corrupt and disillusioned with itself. People back-stabbed, stole, and fought each other at a drop of the hat. Each year in her childhood held another lesson teaching her that one truth. On the night of senior prom, her date had the audacity to skip out for rave at the beach. Downhearted and furious, Lashona finally faced the world for its true self and said no. She wasn't taking any of its shit anymore. Lashona was a strong independent woman who didn't need no man. Breaking all expectations, she went to and finished college, met a man (who she later divorced for being a “deadbeat prick who didn't even look for a job”), and had three children to be proud of. Empty nest, debt paid off, Lashona was finally a free woman. Free at last. A few people stared at the black woman walking down the street, uncomfortable to see someone radiating confidence and joy on the somber city streets of New York. They were not used to independence, they were sheep, and Lashona wanted nothing to do with that. She was a lioness, beast of the wild. Strong, fast, untameable. However, even a lioness is helpless when the universe conspires against her, as Lashona was to find out soon enough. Death, even for one with the sass, was inevitable. Later, Lashona would ponder what led to these events. Was it the ice cream? Perhaps if she had visited the bank before the ice cream parlor, none of it would've happened. Perhaps she shouldn't have fought with the rude man? Nah, he was full of nonsense. Lashona would never have any of it. Approximately between five and ten minutes before her destined death, Lashona had her last encounter with a human being. Or at least what remained of a human being. The man she bumped into, accidentally dropping her cone of ice cream onto his expensive polished shoes, was a shell of a man. Scum, the worst remains of his humanity bearing his sins. One who had sold his soul to the devil. Lashona ran into a lawyer. The two stood there after impact, staring at his heavily polished black shoe now covered with contrasting vanilla. Immediately, Lashona’s maternal instincts kicked in. “Oh my god, oh my god!” Lashona cried as she fanned herself with both hands, kneeling down to look at the ‘poor’ man’s shoe. She flicked the ice cream off and stretched the hem of her brown shirt to clean the shoe off, wiping the dairy product and smearing the sticky fluid over polish. The man snapped to his senses and jerked his foot back, sneering. “What’s your problem lady? Can’t you see I’m in a hurry? Don’t you know who I am?” Confused, Lashona stood up on her feet, her diva senses tingling. That could only mean one thing… “Oh, I see how it is. I see. How. It is.” Lashona placed a hand on her wide hip, eyeing the well-dressed man. “You’re one of those rich male types that like pushing everyone around because the size of his wallet dwarfs whatever else hides in those tight pockets of yours. Feeling inadequate so you have to throw your name around? Got one of them business cards to shove in my face?” “Lady!” the man barked and stepped back, bringing his chrome briefcase in front of him to subconsciously shield himself from Lashona’s verbal assault. “What barn were you raised in, you brute?! I will end you if you do not get out of my way! I have connections! I have assets! I will end you in court! Do you know who I am!?” “Uh uh!” Lashona snapped her fingers with one hand on her hip, then shaking it for further emphasis with her diva aura. “Do I know who you are? Do I know who you are? Oh, I know who you are, I know who you are. You’re a weasel and a wimpy little dude who has to whine and complain when someone drops ice cream on his tiny widdle shoe.” Lashona scrunched her lips and frowned, mocking him with a baby face before returning to diva mode. “You’re a baby that needs to get spanked and grow up!” “Oh! Oh!” the lawyer rebutted, opening his briefcase and allowing his aura of evil to radiate from within. Like all lawyers, the man was a lich who contained his soul within his briefcase to fuel his supernatural powers of court and law. Every bystander in the area, including the ones sitting in their cars idly (because who drives in New York? Traffic hardly moves), shuddered as the menacing, invisible miasma trickled past and brushed against their souls. Fearful of the powers that be, bystanders began to hurriedly walk past, wishing to avoid the oncoming confrontation. “What are you gonna do?” Lashona leaned forward with her hands on her hips, pursing her lips. “Sue me?” The lawyer cackled as he brought out his manila folder, lightning striking the tree behind. “Ha ha! YES! YES!” he laughed as he brought out the order to court he had, conveniently signed by the benefactor of his power. Lashona’s skin crawled as he began to reach out toward her, the court order mysteriously holding her name on it… Lashona wasn't having it. As afraid as she might’ve been, she found courage within her inner diva. No, she found sass. “OH HELL NO!” Lashona screamed as she swung her palm out, giving the lawyer the bitch slap he surely deserved. And that’s when everything went to hell. There are many forces present in the world, metaphysical powers that manipulate and allow events to unfold in a particular fashion. Many of these powers, such as magic, exist beyond mortal comprehension. Unfortunately, some of these powers were never meant to mingle. Unfortunately still, Lashona had done the unthinkable. The power of sass within Lashona, channeling through her bitch slap of the century, and the pure evil radiating from the lawyer were too much for the earthly dimension. The result was an inter-dimensional rip in space-time and a blinding explosion. Lashona had no time to think, no time to feel. She merely ceased to be. The man blinked as he stared at the sight before him. A smoldering crater was all that remained of his confrontation with Lashona. Part of him wondered what had saved him from the same fate, until he looked down. His briefcase, held in front of him as a shield, was nothing but a few metal scraps on the ground. His parasitic energy began to leave his body as his soul descended into hell, bringing him to his knees. Panting, the former lawyer contemplated his life. All the innocent teenagers caught smoking weed that he managed to send to prison for grand theft auto… Was this karma? “At lea-at least I die… with dignity.” Crack! The smoldering tree behind him, burning from the lightning strike, finally gave in to its own weight and toppled over the lawyer, ending him. Lashona dreamed. She dreamed of darkness, of oblivion, the netherworld that souls go to when neither Heaven nor Hell can handle their sass. She floated in the river Styx, passed by Elysium, drifted around a few circles of Hell in her slumber, floated by the Pearly Gates for awhile, and even made her way in and out of the Matrix. She traveled and traveled, comatose, as something within her guided the way. A power had awoken inside of her, guiding her to a world that needed her, a world that needed sass. The years passed by without Lashona’s knowledge, comfortable and happy in her dreams. She dreamed of her boys finishing college, dreamed of the bills she didn't have to pay anymore, dreamed of the taxi drivers that actually stop for the polite women of New York City and didn't overcharge you by driving in the heaviest traffic possible while talking in a fake Boston accent. It could happen, she reasoned. It could happen… In the first time in centuries, Lashona’s eyelids fluttered. Bodily sensations slowly returned as she came to, her vitality trickling back inside her vessel. She clenched and unclenched her fists, feeling tickling grass underneath her. Clean, fresh wind whistled past as she flared her nostrils, taking in the healthy air. Everything smelled like… daisies. Nature. Naaaaaaaaatuuuuuuuuuurrrrreee!!! Lashona’s eyes shot open as a weight pushed down on her stomach. She tried to shoot up, but her body’s circulation was still sluggish and forced her to slow down. Her vision swam, full of green and various pastel colors, eliciting a humbled groan. “Da--in-” a voice mumbled in the distance, echoing inside Lashona’s mind. Lashona shook her head, clearing her vision and her hearing. She reopened her eyes and looked down on her lap, noticing a strange white noodle resting upright on her stomach. Her eyes traced it upward to a strange, marshmallow body and a head. A head with a stylish purple mane. A mane belonging to a familiar equine creature. A pony. “Darling?” Rarity asked, concerned for the strange creature that had appeared in a rogue explosion near her gem hunting site. As strange and alien as the creature was, her instincts told her it was safe. Something about the creature… called to her. “Are you alright, darling?” Lashona stared at the pony, her mind trying to make sense of things. Her hands whipped forward and latched onto the pony’s cheeks, pulling Rarity’s face close up with Lashona’s. Lashona gawked at Rarity, examining her face’s every feature. “Oh. My. God,” Lashona gasped as she released Rarity from her death grip. “Long eyelashes, perfect English, glamour, and a face of a horse… Oh my god, I just met Sarah Jessica Parker.” Author's Note Special thanks to Art Inspired, SpaceCommie, RainbowBob, and Draconian Soul for prereading and editing this chapter. Check 'em out! Got any thoughts? Let's see some sass! Hayyy girls.“Dayyuuum girl, you’ve got a fine-ass house AND a fine-ass business. You must be making real bank,” Lashona said as she plopped down on Rarity’s comfortable stool, sipping fresh tea. “So let me get this straight, sugar. Y’all magical talking horses are ponies living in Ponyville? Earth ponies are strong as hell, pegasi fly, and y’all unicorns can use magic and shit?” “Er...That’s right, darling,” Rarity forced herself to say, her refined tastes conflicting with her hospitality. After their first encounter, they had agreed to slip Lashona into Carousel Boutique before anypony saw her. Rarity knew all about first impressions, and a new species would need the best first impression she could muster. As far as Rarity was concerned, considering that any other qualified pony was either too rambunctious or plain snobbish, Lashona was in the best possible hooves. Judging by her dialect, she was going to need it. Lashona leaned back and sipped her tea again, deep in thought and going through Rarity’s brief lesson about her world. Magic, talking animals, and magical talking ponies. It was a lot to take in at first, but Lashona dealt with it. After all, she’s faced much worse. Bloodthirsty thugs, devil-empowered lawyers, and the American government. If she can face evil in the eye and win with sheer sass, then Equestria was a walk in the park. Besides, it’s just like driving a car. They both run on horsepower, after all. Right? “Right?” Lashona jerked in her seat, her clammy hands’ hold on the teacup somewhat shaking. Rarity frowned at her guest, concerned for the woman’s well-being. Despite her strong and confident demeanor, her new surroundings and awakening had obviously shaken the woman. Considering the tips of her fingers were pale and chilled, there had been physical effects as well. Lashona nodded, not knowing the question. “Y-yes..?” Rarity sighed, rolled her head, and blew her mane out of her face before repeating herself. “I asked, if you weren’t affected by conditions that may or may not constitute a medical check-up in the near future to listen, if you believe you’re ready to meet with my friends and eventually all of Ponyville. If we’re going to get you back home, you need to be able to interact with Twilight and any other pony who can help. If you run around and frighten everypony without introducing yourself or cause chaos in general, explaining yourself to Princess Celestia may be somewhat difficult.” Lashona nodded in confirmation. “I’m sure I got it, girl. What am I going to do? Punch the princess?” Rarity rubbed her temples for a moment, warding off a headache. Afterwards, she fluttered her eyelids and smiled at her guest, ready for the test. “Okay, darling, let’s run through this one more time. Who are our sovereign and beloved rulers?” Lashona smiled and nearly bounced in her seat. “I got this! Er… you’ve got that one princess that actually does stuff and seems pretty strong and independent, I’d say.” “Yes…” Rarity blinked, somewhat hopeful her guest would have an inkling of the new world before she set out like a newborn foal. “And then you have Princess Celestia!” Quite uncharacteristic of her, Rarity facehoofed. Hard. “Ohmygosh…” “What was that, sugar?” “Nothing!” Rarity immediately perked up, saving face. She continued the quiz. “Remember, darling, which of my lovely friends is the most sensitive?” Lashona set her empty teacup on Rarity’s flower-design table, contemplating a memory of her brief lesson. ‘Coat of butter yellow, her demeanor is quite mellow. Remember that, dear friend.’ Lashona furrowed her brow, remembering faint details in her memory. Wings… sensitive… pink- “Butterfly!” Rarity placed a hoof on her forehead and took in a deep breath. Don’t worry Rarity, it’s only her fifth attempt. She’ll get it… eventually. “No darling, it’s Fluttershy. And Princess Luna is the other princess you were referring to.” She lowered her hoof and gaze, her eyes beginning to lose their usual sparkle. “Last, but not least, how do ponies feel about clothes?” Rarity tensed up, expecting another nonsensical answer like ‘Y’all nudists’ or ‘Ride like the wind and feel the breeze, amiright?’ The answer surprised her. Lashona leaned against the table and ran a hand through her brown hair. “Well, ponies normally don’t wear clothes, right? Y’all have fur coats, after all. Actual clothes are more decorative. Am I right?” Rarity’s heart skipped a beat as her mouth curved into a wide grin. “Yes! You’ve-” “ ‘Cause let me tell you sister,” Lashona interrupted and waved a finger. “Dem Earth clothes are too damn expensive! Y’all ponies decorate with gems and shit and it doesn’t cost an arm and a leg!” Rarity’s grin dropped into a weak smile. “Right… perhaps we should finish testing and finally meet my friends? We have a dimension to find and no time to lose!” Lashona nodded and the two stood up from their stools, making their way to the front door. Lashona, finding the pony race to be friendly so far, felt anxiety accelerate through her nerves. It was like a buying a lottery ticket, except this would actually affect her future. Rarity bit her lip as she pushed the door open with magic. Her mind tried to run like a racehorse, but she reigned it in. Have confidence, Rarity! What could possibly go wrong? “Everything has gone wrong! Everything! Horribly! Wroooooongggg-g-g!” a distressed mare screamed as she held her cheeks in the middle of town, despair and folly destroying whatever remained of her waning spirit. Drained of her livelihood, the mare collapsed in a dead faint. The town was in utter chaos. Ponies from fillies to stallions were crying for their mothers as each building went down in flames. A few injured ponies collapsed in exhaustion and their family members tried to drag them along, to no avail. A filly wept as she nuzzled her still mother. “W-why is there a monster, mommy? Why is it hurting everypony? Why won’t you wake up!?” Rarity stared at the sight, tears coming to her eyes. She brought up her hoof holding a tissue and dabbed at her eyes. “So much emotion, so much sadness.” “Yeah, this movie sucks!” Rainbow Dash heckled from the couch as the projector sputtered and played the reel. “I thought this was a monster flick! Not some soap opera!” she continued as a couple onscreen said their wedding vows just before a giant green grimy foot stomped down, crushing them. The projector sputtered and jerked, beginning to overheat. Lashona whistled as the credits began to roll, the small fictional town completely destroyed by the giant radioactive monster born from mad science. “Wow, you ponies got everything! Magic, safe city streets, and fancy movie screens!” Sitting on a spare bean bag chair in the middle of the library, lights dimmed for the girls’ weekly movie marathon, Lashona had been invited to join in their little get-together. She clasped her hands and turned her body to face the group. “Damn, talk about an ice breaker! So y’all the ponies my homegirl Rarity’s been talking about?” Twilight Sparkle, the bona fide leader, took initiative and nodded. “Indeed. We’re the best of friends, I don’t know where I’d be without them.” The other five nodded in agreement from their bean bag chairs with their own individual, warm smiles. Twilight rolled off her chair, walked up to Lashona, and extended a friendly hoof. “I’m Twilight Sparkle, student of Princess Celestia and Ponyville’s librarian. Welcome to Equestria.” Lashona grasped Twilight’s hoof and shook vigorously, rattling the pony half her height. “Thank you, thank you! I’m glad for your hospitality! Not many folk just meet a creepy-ass stranger and invite her to a movie! Hell, back in New York someone would’ve just stabbed me and taken my money!” Twilight grinned, a slight blush rising. “Oh, of course we wouldn’t do that! If Rarity can trust you, so can we.” Fluttershy peeked outside her mane, only somewhat intimidated by the new creature. “We’ve seen far creepier and scarier monsters. You’re much nicer, and sweet.” The human reminded her of a few chimpanzees she tended to once, except Lashona’s sass didn’t involve flinging… items around. Yes, Lashona was definitely a step up. If she was lucky, Lashona might let her brush her hair… Lashona placed a hand on her chest and fawned. “Oh thaaaank you, sugar! My, aren’t you the sweetest thang? You’re a nice little pony yourself, girl. Wait.” Lashona stood up from her chair, forcing every pony to take a step back from their resting positions. Lashona folded her arms and scratched her chin. “Hm… sensitive, sweet, and butterfly cu… magical butt tattoo. You must be Butt-er, Fluttershy!” Rarity internally cheered as Fluttershy and Lashona exchanged a few friendly lines. Phew, she passed one of the hardest tests. As long as Rainbow Dash or Applejack doesn’t give her a hard time- “Now wait a minute, sugarcubes!” Applejack interrupted Rarity’s thoughts, pushing past Fluttershy to give Lashona a glaring look. “How can we know we should trust her?” She glanced at her friends, each beginning to shuffle ever so slightly. “A strange creature that comes out of nowhere, talks fancy and friendly, and just accepts everything she sees? Doesn’t that sound the least bit familiar?” The other mares exchanged nervous glances, remembering Discord’s (near) betrayal to Fluttershy. They doubted Lashona was evil, but she did have a certain aura of character to her. To be fair, they had casually invited her to watch a movie out of politeness, so their xenophobia was somewhat out of place. Rarity opened her mouth to defend her friend, but was pushed aside by Rainbow Dash. “Hey, you can’t just assume she’s some changeling mutant or something! If Rarity likes her, then why can’t we? She seems pretty cool.” Rainbow Dash flipped her mane and held out a hoof. “Yeah girl!” Lashona wiggled her hip and bumped the hoof with a fist. “And besides,” Rainbow Dash said as she poked Applejack in the chest. “We’ve fought, defeated, and reformed Nightmare Moon and Discord. And don’t even get me started on an entire changeling army!” Lashona couldn’t help but choke. “What army? Y’all ponies have wars and shit too? What kinda military were you using?” Rainbow Dash grinned and tilted her head. “None. It was just us fighting.” “The six of you? Fighting? Against a whole damn army? And you won?” Rainbow Dash nodded, her grin widening. “Dayyuummm! Y’all ponies must be made of steel or something!” “Well, actually that’s magic,” Twilight informed, putting a hoof on Applejack’s shoulder. “But don't get us wrong, we don’t like fighting. We only had to do what’s necessary to protect Equestria. And we will do it again if it’s necessary, Lashona. Otherwise, you’re welcome here as a guest. We learned our lesson from Zecora and Discord, and we’re willing to hear you out.” Lashona nodded. With Rarity’s help, she began to explain her situation… “OHMYGOSH OHMYGOSH!” Pinkie Pie hopped around Lashona, excited after her tale. “That was so cool how he was like ‘I’m a big meanie!’ and you were like ‘Oh heck no!’ and slapped yourself into a new universe!” Pinkie stopped, her eyes narrowing in thought. “I hate lawyers! All they do is make money and do mean things to innocent ponies! I bet Sombra was a lawyer!” “You tell them, girl!” Lashona agreed, having briefly exchanged greetings with the last, but not least member of the group. Applejack rolled her eyes. “Still mad about the restraining order?” “YES!” Pinkie shouted, rubbing her fore-hooves together. “That meanie clown was a bully and a jerk and all I did was show him how to party! Filthy casuals…” Her mane began to lose it’s pink, but she shook her head and regained her positive demeanor. “But who cares about lawyers and clowns when we can throw a ‘Welcome-to-Ponyville’ party for Lashona! OhmygoshIcan’twait to show everypony our new friend! She’s going to love it!” Twilight looked up from the table and rolled up a piece of parchment with her magic. “I finished the letter, Lashona. As soon as Spike gets back from his appointment, we can send it to the princess. We’ll find you a way home in no time, I promise.” “Thanks sugar.” Lashona looked down at Pinkie Pie, currently bouncing in place at her feet. Pinkie’s tail wagged in her excitement, reminding Lashona of her old pooch. An odd urge tingled at her fingertips. As much as she tried to lie to herself, Lashona knew she couldn’t resist for long. “Oh hell with it! Speakin’ of sugar, come here you little cutie!” She dived down to her knees and wrapped her arms around Pinkie. Frightened, the other mares jolted in their place, but relaxed as Lashona began stroking Pinkie’s mane and scratching behind the ears. Pinkie reciprocated the feeling, letting her tongue roll out in a heavy pant as her tail madly flailed about, her eyelids drooping and eyes rolling in sheer euphoria. Applejack took off her stetson hat and placed it against her chest, a small smile forming on her face. Rainbow Dash strolled by and nudged her side. “Huh, whatcha think now?” Applejack smiled and replaced her hat on her head. “I think I like her now.” Lashona and Pinkie finally stopped rolling about, releasing each other from their affectionate holds. Pinkie panted and rolled onto her back while Lashona leaned on the table with her elbow. “Whew girl, that was fun!” Lashona panted, turning to look at Twilight. “I don’t think y’all need a ‘Welcome-to-Ponyville’ party for me, I think y’all need a ‘Welcome-to-Lashona’ party!” Pinkie Pie raised a inquisitive hoof. “Does that mean we have to play pin-the-tail-on-the-human?” Lashona thought for a moment, thinking of a proper response. There was only one. “Oh hell no!” Author's Note Special thanks to Skeeter The Lurker for prereading this! Thanks buddy! Staying AliveCarousel Boutique resounded with funky music, courtesy of Pinkie Pie. The party mare and sassy woman were in the middle of the dance floor, shaking their behinds and moving to the groove. Pinkie wiggled next to Lashona, allowing the woman to lead. “Uh!” Lashona grunted as she thrust her hip to the side. “Uh! Uh! Shake that hiney!” The two girls shook their hips in unison to the funky beat, moving their shoulders and bobbing their heads to the side. It was the best way to celebrate staying alive. Lashona threw her hands in the air and rocked her body. “Ah ah ah ah, stay—“ “Darlings!” Rarity conveniently trotted into her living room, levitating a plate with homemade salad wraps for her guests. Dusk had arrived and the rest of her friends had returned home, but Pinkie chose to stay overnight. She asked in her own Pinkie way, of course, but Rarity had no qualms about letting her keep Lashona company. Nothing like laughter to stave off homesickness while Twilight researched the proper spell. Wiping sweat off her brow, Lashona stepped away from the funky Pinkie and immediately reached for a salad wrap. Without another word, she tossed it down the hatch and began to munch on it, salivating as she relished its vegan flavor. “Mm...MMM!” Lashona moaned as she chewed and eventually swallowed. “You like it?” Rarity fluttered her eyelashes, “I understand that it’s not quite tantalizing to your appetite, Lashona, but I did my best to compensate.” She blinked and waited for a response, only to watch the large woman devour yet another treat. On her fifth wrap, approximately the size of her favorite finger to use on the New York transit, Lashona couldn’t tear her mind away from the euphoric bliss the green delicacy had blessed her with. Vegetables were hard to come by in the land of greasy cheeseburgers and coffee served by college dropouts, and it showed on the Lashona’s lax face. Rarity coughed, finally prompting Lashona to snap out of her vegan stupor with a vigorous headshake. “Oh, yeah! Yeah! They’re perfect! Perfect, I tell you! Mm mm!” Eyeing Lashona’s larger waistline, Rarity blinked in surprise. “I had assumed from your omnivorous diet that you might prefer more variety, but I am overjoyed to be a proper hostess.” Lashona shot her an amused glare, raising an eyebrow. “Come on, girl, y’all are ponies. What do you think I’m going to do? Ask for fried chicken?” Pinkie Pie froze, middle-wiggle on the dance floor. Her hindlegs hovered in the air, as if time itself had been frozen in shock. Rarity took a step back, her eyes widening. “Y-you fry c-chickens? That’s cruel!” Unable to hold it in, Lashona buckled over and began belting out in laughter, perplexing the two concerned ponies. “Oh my god- oh my god!” She straightened her back and wiped a tear away. “If you weren’t ponies, that wouldn’t be nearly as funny… Y’all should’ve seen the look on your faces! Uh, you can stop looking at me like that.” Rarity shot a desperate, backward glance at Pinkie Pie, who merely shrugged away her shock and bounced off toward the dwindling refreshments with a carefree smile. Rarity turned back to a grinning Lashona, her ears drooping down and giving off a drained sigh. Her mane was still in neat and proper, but fatigue was settling in her marshmallow limbs. Not to mention that was quite the startling fright. “Perhaps, Miss Lashona, we should retire for the night?” Rarity nervously asked, her ears plastered to her temples, motioning her foreleg toward the stairs and prompting a yawn from the tired woman. They could clean up in the morning, but midnight was soon approaching. She didn’t have many orders that week, but work was still work and her calling. Thanks to her refined appearance, Rarity needed her beauty sleep. Without further ado, the trio made their ways upstairs to Rarity’s bedroom. Used to impromptu sleepovers, Pinkie Pie pulled out her emergency sleeping back (causing Lashona to choke on her latest salad wrap) and set it out on the floor. She circled around it a few times, pawing the bag with her hooves, before slipping inside it and curling up. “Damn,” Lashona gasped, holding out a hand. “She’s so adorable! I just want to-” Lashona shook her head, sleepiness lowering her eyelids and dampening her usual sass, and turned around. “So where am I supposed to sleep?” Now was Rarity’s turn to freeze. “Uh, uh.” Her eyes glanced back at her large, voluminous scarlet bedding. She can’t possibly… Oh no. Smiling, Rarity fluttered her eyelashes. “Oh, I understand, darling. Just let me retrieve some bedding for you to situate yourself wi-” “Nuh-uh,” Lashona grunted, snapping her fingers. “I know damn well what you’re trying to do, little Miss Sunshine. Do I look like I can just curl up and sleep on the floor? My spine would get all out of whack! Ain’t no way, ain’t no how I'm sleeping there!” Rarity gritted her teeth and retorted, “And who do you think you are, darling? I am the hostess here and I will-” Lashona kneeled down, becoming eye level with the charming hostess, her eyes glaring into Rarity’s iris sapphires. “If you do not respect the woman who just lost her home and everything she loves until we can find a way back, I will personally find a random garment and with a stitch and needle… sew a tacky accessory on it.” The fashionista gasped, holding a dramatic hoof to her chest.. “You wouldn’t dare!” “And I won’t tell you which one either.” Rarity bit her lip in frustration, cranky and fighting for her bed rights. “You. Are. Not. Getting. That. Bed!” Lashona snored, curled up deep in sleep, her feet just barely hanging off the foot of Rarity’s feather-bed. She dreamed pleasant dreams, dreams of home. In the murky darkness, a blissful Pinkie Pie and a restless Rarity slept as well, dreaming their own dreams under the moonlit night. Rarity whispered about baubles as Pinkie moaned about lawyers, innocent and unaware. A single beam of moonlight penetrated the darkness through the open window, illuminating the room in an ethereal light. A single tendril of vapor, an entity of its own, trickled into the room from the window, basking in the moonlight. Its silver composition sparkled under the celestial body as it gathered into the room. More and more vapor gathered and began swirling in the middle of the fashionable bedroom until it resembled a miniature storm cloud. Slowly, an incorporeal form emerged: a vaporous pegasus, covered in trailing chains and tattered clothing. “Laaashooonaaa,” the ghost droned, rattling his chains dramatically and wailing like a banshee. His fur was nothing but gas, his eyes nothing but two glowing lights in a sunken skull. His muzzle was shrunk, grotesque and decaying. He cried in anguish, his haunt only just begun. The voice had a harmonic quality to it, haunting notes with each wail he released. Notes lathered with pain, old pain from a lifetime past, pain he unleashed in his haunt. He was the face of supernatural terror: the epithet of sorrow. Lashona, in return, rolled over in the bed and let out a rather loud snore. The ghost stopped his rattling and stared at the woman. Grinding his teeth, he quickly scanned the room with his ocular orbs. His eyes lay across a jewelry box on the wardrobe. Narrowing his eyes, he lifted a foreleg. The box began to levitate, wobbling, until he flicked his hoof and sent it flying at Lashona. The small box bounced off Lashona’s forehead, turning a snore into a choke and forcing her to jolt up and mutter something ineligible. Lashona shook her head and rubbed her eyes. The moment she laid her hands down and noticed the ghost, her face turned pale and she clutched the sheets. “W-who are you?” The ghost rattled his chains and banshee-wailed again. “I am Morpheus, ruler of this realm and your current host! I strike fear into the hearts of my (sleeping) foes, the innocent, and fillies who drank a glass of water before bed! I can shape this world with my fingertips, change the course of destiny itself, and change your very fabric of being! I am a god, I am eternal, and I am-” Lashona let out a snore as she hugged her tiny pillow, oblivious to the mad god’s ranting. Steam blew out the ghost’s ears as he sulked, completely ignored. Sighing, the ghost floated over the sleeping form of a pony and over the bed, hovering horizontally directly over Lashona. He waved his hoof over her face, sprinkling silvery dust onto her eyelashes. A magic burst flashed, instantly waking Lashona. “ARGH!” Lashona screamed, her eyes shot open and staring into the ghost’s uncomfortably close muzzle. By reflex, her hand shot into her bra and pulled out a small canister, which she pointed at the ghost’s eyes and sprayed. The ghost blinked, the spray going straight through his incorporeal form. “You do realize I’m a ghost, right?” He blinked again. “That… doesn’t really work.” “Oh!” Lashona cried in relief, replacing the pepper spray in her bra. She then pulled out a similar canister: a spray can. “Good thing I always carry this!” -she fired the spray at him- “HOLY SPRAY, BI-er, WITCH!” The ghost roared and flew back, rubbing his eyes as he fell onto the floor, chains and all. He rolled on the ground, his eyes burning with a divine sensation. Holes melted into his muzzle, the holy water sanctifying him. He rolled to one side of the room, and then all the way to the other. Once the frantic rolling came to a slow stop, he sat up from the floor and continued to rub his eyes. “Who in their right mind carries holy water?!” “I’ve seen the Exorcist, I ain’t dealing with that shit!” Lashona said, snapping her fingers and rolling her head. “Now who are you, Mister Ghosty?” The pale pegasus put his forelegs down in support, blind. “I’m a figure from your past, Lashona, sent for no particular reason other than to create a sense of urgency in you. I was supposed to warn you about-” “Oh hell no!” Lashona said, defensively pulling the blanket to her chin. “I’m not dealing with no past ghost shit! It ain’t even Christmas yet! Get out of here before I exorcise your pale, ghostly white ass!” The ghost facehoofed and shook his head. “Oh Lashona, you never do change.” He stood up, his orbs finally clear again, and brushed himself off. “I’ll see you again soon enough. For now, it’s time to wake up.” “Wake up?” Lashona sat up in her bed. “Don’t tell me what to-” Lashona groaned, her muscles aching after a night spent dancing. She rolled her shoulders and squeezed her warm pillow, murmuring. “Stupid white ghost, why’d it tussle with me.” “I really wish you wouldn’t say that, it’s quite belittling,” Rarity whispered as she nuzzled closer to Lashona’s chest. “But you are warm, and I will forgive you.” Lashona silently counted to ten, calming her heartbeat before speaking. “What are you doing?” she asked, keeping her eyes closed as her blood pressure spiked. Rarity shifted, her chin resting on Lashona as she looked up. “Don’t you remember? We decided to share the bed, after all. Do you really think I’d sleep on my own floor?” she asked with a slight lisp, sleep inertia apparent. “I do hope you slept as well as I have.” Lashona sighed. “Don’t tell me I have to buy you a drink-” “Well,” Rarity interrupted as she wiggled away and out of bed, hopping onto the ground. “I have an appointment to attend to for my dear sister. It’s a special day for the fillies: career day.” Rarity trotted the nearest mirror and preened herself, reapplying makeup and brushing her mane. “She may not have found her calling, but I suppose I must support her choice for today. Remind me to thank dear Spike; he was the one who pulled a few strings, after all.” Lashona leaned on her elbow, eyeing an empty sleeping bag that Pinkie Pie had slept in. “Girl, you gotta mention things like that the night before. What if I was a man? Ya can’t just leave like that!” Lashona wiped the sleep from her eyes and began to step off the small bed. “So, your sister? What’s she doing?” Rarity paused, debating on how to answer. I hope she doesn't mind too much… She turned her head, facing Lashona. “It’s my dear sister, Sweetie Belle. She’s bringing a lawyer to school.” Lashona’s blood turned to ice. “Oh hell no.” Author's Note Preread/edited by Frission and Draconian Soul. Thanks guys! Whoa, this gurl actually drew Lashona! Sorry for the still short-ish chapters. I want to write more, but some essays came up this week along with scholarships. Those are hardly fun. Regardless, it's kind of my entire future resting on these little essays I have to write, so please understand that the pace will kick up soon. I will "try" to keep a schedule, but I'll probably slip often (or a lot, actually). Luckily, I'll even that out with ninja updates out of nowhere! How about that? And before I get comments about the ghost, it was just a dream. Yes, just a dream. No relevance to the plot whatsoever. He's definitely not returning or foreshadowing anything whatsoever. Nope.
Oh hell no!Lashona Ariana Burkes was living the life. Having just paid off her mortgage, sent her last kid to college, and currently celebrating with vanilla ice cream in New York City. Indeed, it was the American dream. Currently clocking at two hundred pounds of sheer sass, the strong independent woman walked down the sidewalk without a care in the world. She considered herself average, as many Americans did. Born and raised in the ghetto, Lashona quickly learned that the world was corrupt and disillusioned with itself. People back-stabbed, stole, and fought each other at a drop of the hat. Each year in her childhood held another lesson teaching her that one truth. On the night of senior prom, her date had the audacity to skip out for rave at the beach. Downhearted and furious, Lashona finally faced the world for its true self and said no. She wasn't taking any of its shit anymore. Lashona was a strong independent woman who didn't need no man. Breaking all expectations, she went to and finished college, met a man (who she later divorced for being a “deadbeat prick who didn't even look for a job”), and had three children to be proud of. Empty nest, debt paid off, Lashona was finally a free woman. Free at last. A few people stared at the black woman walking down the street, uncomfortable to see someone radiating confidence and joy on the somber city streets of New York. They were not used to independence, they were sheep, and Lashona wanted nothing to do with that. She was a lioness, beast of the wild. Strong, fast, untameable. However, even a lioness is helpless when the universe conspires against her, as Lashona was to find out soon enough. Death, even for one with the sass, was inevitable. Later, Lashona would ponder what led to these events. Was it the ice cream? Perhaps if she had visited the bank before the ice cream parlor, none of it would've happened. Perhaps she shouldn't have fought with the rude man? Nah, he was full of nonsense. Lashona would never have any of it. Approximately between five and ten minutes before her destined death, Lashona had her last encounter with a human being. Or at least what remained of a human being. The man she bumped into, accidentally dropping her cone of ice cream onto his expensive polished shoes, was a shell of a man. Scum, the worst remains of his humanity bearing his sins. One who had sold his soul to the devil. Lashona ran into a lawyer. The two stood there after impact, staring at his heavily polished black shoe now covered with contrasting vanilla. Immediately, Lashona’s maternal instincts kicked in. “Oh my god, oh my god!” Lashona cried as she fanned herself with both hands, kneeling down to look at the ‘poor’ man’s shoe. She flicked the ice cream off and stretched the hem of her brown shirt to clean the shoe off, wiping the dairy product and smearing the sticky fluid over polish. The man snapped to his senses and jerked his foot back, sneering. “What’s your problem lady? Can’t you see I’m in a hurry? Don’t you know who I am?” Confused, Lashona stood up on her feet, her diva senses tingling. That could only mean one thing… “Oh, I see how it is. I see. How. It is.” Lashona placed a hand on her wide hip, eyeing the well-dressed man. “You’re one of those rich male types that like pushing everyone around because the size of his wallet dwarfs whatever else hides in those tight pockets of yours. Feeling inadequate so you have to throw your name around? Got one of them business cards to shove in my face?” “Lady!” the man barked and stepped back, bringing his chrome briefcase in front of him to subconsciously shield himself from Lashona’s verbal assault. “What barn were you raised in, you brute?! I will end you if you do not get out of my way! I have connections! I have assets! I will end you in court! Do you know who I am!?” “Uh uh!” Lashona snapped her fingers with one hand on her hip, then shaking it for further emphasis with her diva aura. “Do I know who you are? Do I know who you are? Oh, I know who you are, I know who you are. You’re a weasel and a wimpy little dude who has to whine and complain when someone drops ice cream on his tiny widdle shoe.” Lashona scrunched her lips and frowned, mocking him with a baby face before returning to diva mode. “You’re a baby that needs to get spanked and grow up!” “Oh! Oh!” the lawyer rebutted, opening his briefcase and allowing his aura of evil to radiate from within. Like all lawyers, the man was a lich who contained his soul within his briefcase to fuel his supernatural powers of court and law. Every bystander in the area, including the ones sitting in their cars idly (because who drives in New York? Traffic hardly moves), shuddered as the menacing, invisible miasma trickled past and brushed against their souls. Fearful of the powers that be, bystanders began to hurriedly walk past, wishing to avoid the oncoming confrontation. “What are you gonna do?” Lashona leaned forward with her hands on her hips, pursing her lips. “Sue me?” The lawyer cackled as he brought out his manila folder, lightning striking the tree behind. “Ha ha! YES! YES!” he laughed as he brought out the order to court he had, conveniently signed by the benefactor of his power. Lashona’s skin crawled as he began to reach out toward her, the court order mysteriously holding her name on it… Lashona wasn't having it. As afraid as she might’ve been, she found courage within her inner diva. No, she found sass. “OH HELL NO!” Lashona screamed as she swung her palm out, giving the lawyer the bitch slap he surely deserved. And that’s when everything went to hell. There are many forces present in the world, metaphysical powers that manipulate and allow events to unfold in a particular fashion. Many of these powers, such as magic, exist beyond mortal comprehension. Unfortunately, some of these powers were never meant to mingle. Unfortunately still, Lashona had done the unthinkable. The power of sass within Lashona, channeling through her bitch slap of the century, and the pure evil radiating from the lawyer were too much for the earthly dimension. The result was an inter-dimensional rip in space-time and a blinding explosion. Lashona had no time to think, no time to feel. She merely ceased to be. The man blinked as he stared at the sight before him. A smoldering crater was all that remained of his confrontation with Lashona. Part of him wondered what had saved him from the same fate, until he looked down. His briefcase, held in front of him as a shield, was nothing but a few metal scraps on the ground. His parasitic energy began to leave his body as his soul descended into hell, bringing him to his knees. Panting, the former lawyer contemplated his life. All the innocent teenagers caught smoking weed that he managed to send to prison for grand theft auto… Was this karma? “At lea-at least I die… with dignity.” Crack! The smoldering tree behind him, burning from the lightning strike, finally gave in to its own weight and toppled over the lawyer, ending him. Lashona dreamed. She dreamed of darkness, of oblivion, the netherworld that souls go to when neither Heaven nor Hell can handle their sass. She floated in the river Styx, passed by Elysium, drifted around a few circles of Hell in her slumber, floated by the Pearly Gates for awhile, and even made her way in and out of the Matrix. She traveled and traveled, comatose, as something within her guided the way. A power had awoken inside of her, guiding her to a world that needed her, a world that needed sass. The years passed by without Lashona’s knowledge, comfortable and happy in her dreams. She dreamed of her boys finishing college, dreamed of the bills she didn't have to pay anymore, dreamed of the taxi drivers that actually stop for the polite women of New York City and didn't overcharge you by driving in the heaviest traffic possible while talking in a fake Boston accent. It could happen, she reasoned. It could happen… In the first time in centuries, Lashona’s eyelids fluttered. Bodily sensations slowly returned as she came to, her vitality trickling back inside her vessel. She clenched and unclenched her fists, feeling tickling grass underneath her. Clean, fresh wind whistled past as she flared her nostrils, taking in the healthy air. Everything smelled like… daisies. Nature. Naaaaaaaaatuuuuuuuuuurrrrreee!!! Lashona’s eyes shot open as a weight pushed down on her stomach. She tried to shoot up, but her body’s circulation was still sluggish and forced her to slow down. Her vision swam, full of green and various pastel colors, eliciting a humbled groan. “Da--in-” a voice mumbled in the distance, echoing inside Lashona’s mind. Lashona shook her head, clearing her vision and her hearing. She reopened her eyes and looked down on her lap, noticing a strange white noodle resting upright on her stomach. Her eyes traced it upward to a strange, marshmallow body and a head. A head with a stylish purple mane. A mane belonging to a familiar equine creature. A pony. “Darling?” Rarity asked, concerned for the strange creature that had appeared in a rogue explosion near her gem hunting site. As strange and alien as the creature was, her instincts told her it was safe. Something about the creature… called to her. “Are you alright, darling?” Lashona stared at the pony, her mind trying to make sense of things. Her hands whipped forward and latched onto the pony’s cheeks, pulling Rarity’s face close up with Lashona’s. Lashona gawked at Rarity, examining her face’s every feature. “Oh. My. God,” Lashona gasped as she released Rarity from her death grip. “Long eyelashes, perfect English, glamour, and a face of a horse… Oh my god, I just met Sarah Jessica Parker.” Author's Note Special thanks to Art Inspired, SpaceCommie, RainbowBob, and Draconian Soul for prereading and editing this chapter. Check 'em out! Got any thoughts? Let's see some sass!
Hayyy girls.“Dayyuuum girl, you’ve got a fine-ass house AND a fine-ass business. You must be making real bank,” Lashona said as she plopped down on Rarity’s comfortable stool, sipping fresh tea. “So let me get this straight, sugar. Y’all magical talking horses are ponies living in Ponyville? Earth ponies are strong as hell, pegasi fly, and y’all unicorns can use magic and shit?” “Er...That’s right, darling,” Rarity forced herself to say, her refined tastes conflicting with her hospitality. After their first encounter, they had agreed to slip Lashona into Carousel Boutique before anypony saw her. Rarity knew all about first impressions, and a new species would need the best first impression she could muster. As far as Rarity was concerned, considering that any other qualified pony was either too rambunctious or plain snobbish, Lashona was in the best possible hooves. Judging by her dialect, she was going to need it. Lashona leaned back and sipped her tea again, deep in thought and going through Rarity’s brief lesson about her world. Magic, talking animals, and magical talking ponies. It was a lot to take in at first, but Lashona dealt with it. After all, she’s faced much worse. Bloodthirsty thugs, devil-empowered lawyers, and the American government. If she can face evil in the eye and win with sheer sass, then Equestria was a walk in the park. Besides, it’s just like driving a car. They both run on horsepower, after all. Right? “Right?” Lashona jerked in her seat, her clammy hands’ hold on the teacup somewhat shaking. Rarity frowned at her guest, concerned for the woman’s well-being. Despite her strong and confident demeanor, her new surroundings and awakening had obviously shaken the woman. Considering the tips of her fingers were pale and chilled, there had been physical effects as well. Lashona nodded, not knowing the question. “Y-yes..?” Rarity sighed, rolled her head, and blew her mane out of her face before repeating herself. “I asked, if you weren’t affected by conditions that may or may not constitute a medical check-up in the near future to listen, if you believe you’re ready to meet with my friends and eventually all of Ponyville. If we’re going to get you back home, you need to be able to interact with Twilight and any other pony who can help. If you run around and frighten everypony without introducing yourself or cause chaos in general, explaining yourself to Princess Celestia may be somewhat difficult.” Lashona nodded in confirmation. “I’m sure I got it, girl. What am I going to do? Punch the princess?” Rarity rubbed her temples for a moment, warding off a headache. Afterwards, she fluttered her eyelids and smiled at her guest, ready for the test. “Okay, darling, let’s run through this one more time. Who are our sovereign and beloved rulers?” Lashona smiled and nearly bounced in her seat. “I got this! Er… you’ve got that one princess that actually does stuff and seems pretty strong and independent, I’d say.” “Yes…” Rarity blinked, somewhat hopeful her guest would have an inkling of the new world before she set out like a newborn foal. “And then you have Princess Celestia!” Quite uncharacteristic of her, Rarity facehoofed. Hard. “Ohmygosh…” “What was that, sugar?” “Nothing!” Rarity immediately perked up, saving face. She continued the quiz. “Remember, darling, which of my lovely friends is the most sensitive?” Lashona set her empty teacup on Rarity’s flower-design table, contemplating a memory of her brief lesson. ‘Coat of butter yellow, her demeanor is quite mellow. Remember that, dear friend.’ Lashona furrowed her brow, remembering faint details in her memory. Wings… sensitive… pink- “Butterfly!” Rarity placed a hoof on her forehead and took in a deep breath. Don’t worry Rarity, it’s only her fifth attempt. She’ll get it… eventually. “No darling, it’s Fluttershy. And Princess Luna is the other princess you were referring to.” She lowered her hoof and gaze, her eyes beginning to lose their usual sparkle. “Last, but not least, how do ponies feel about clothes?” Rarity tensed up, expecting another nonsensical answer like ‘Y’all nudists’ or ‘Ride like the wind and feel the breeze, amiright?’ The answer surprised her. Lashona leaned against the table and ran a hand through her brown hair. “Well, ponies normally don’t wear clothes, right? Y’all have fur coats, after all. Actual clothes are more decorative. Am I right?” Rarity’s heart skipped a beat as her mouth curved into a wide grin. “Yes! You’ve-” “ ‘Cause let me tell you sister,” Lashona interrupted and waved a finger. “Dem Earth clothes are too damn expensive! Y’all ponies decorate with gems and shit and it doesn’t cost an arm and a leg!” Rarity’s grin dropped into a weak smile. “Right… perhaps we should finish testing and finally meet my friends? We have a dimension to find and no time to lose!” Lashona nodded and the two stood up from their stools, making their way to the front door. Lashona, finding the pony race to be friendly so far, felt anxiety accelerate through her nerves. It was like a buying a lottery ticket, except this would actually affect her future. Rarity bit her lip as she pushed the door open with magic. Her mind tried to run like a racehorse, but she reigned it in. Have confidence, Rarity! What could possibly go wrong? “Everything has gone wrong! Everything! Horribly! Wroooooongggg-g-g!” a distressed mare screamed as she held her cheeks in the middle of town, despair and folly destroying whatever remained of her waning spirit. Drained of her livelihood, the mare collapsed in a dead faint. The town was in utter chaos. Ponies from fillies to stallions were crying for their mothers as each building went down in flames. A few injured ponies collapsed in exhaustion and their family members tried to drag them along, to no avail. A filly wept as she nuzzled her still mother. “W-why is there a monster, mommy? Why is it hurting everypony? Why won’t you wake up!?” Rarity stared at the sight, tears coming to her eyes. She brought up her hoof holding a tissue and dabbed at her eyes. “So much emotion, so much sadness.” “Yeah, this movie sucks!” Rainbow Dash heckled from the couch as the projector sputtered and played the reel. “I thought this was a monster flick! Not some soap opera!” she continued as a couple onscreen said their wedding vows just before a giant green grimy foot stomped down, crushing them. The projector sputtered and jerked, beginning to overheat. Lashona whistled as the credits began to roll, the small fictional town completely destroyed by the giant radioactive monster born from mad science. “Wow, you ponies got everything! Magic, safe city streets, and fancy movie screens!” Sitting on a spare bean bag chair in the middle of the library, lights dimmed for the girls’ weekly movie marathon, Lashona had been invited to join in their little get-together. She clasped her hands and turned her body to face the group. “Damn, talk about an ice breaker! So y’all the ponies my homegirl Rarity’s been talking about?” Twilight Sparkle, the bona fide leader, took initiative and nodded. “Indeed. We’re the best of friends, I don’t know where I’d be without them.” The other five nodded in agreement from their bean bag chairs with their own individual, warm smiles. Twilight rolled off her chair, walked up to Lashona, and extended a friendly hoof. “I’m Twilight Sparkle, student of Princess Celestia and Ponyville’s librarian. Welcome to Equestria.” Lashona grasped Twilight’s hoof and shook vigorously, rattling the pony half her height. “Thank you, thank you! I’m glad for your hospitality! Not many folk just meet a creepy-ass stranger and invite her to a movie! Hell, back in New York someone would’ve just stabbed me and taken my money!” Twilight grinned, a slight blush rising. “Oh, of course we wouldn’t do that! If Rarity can trust you, so can we.” Fluttershy peeked outside her mane, only somewhat intimidated by the new creature. “We’ve seen far creepier and scarier monsters. You’re much nicer, and sweet.” The human reminded her of a few chimpanzees she tended to once, except Lashona’s sass didn’t involve flinging… items around. Yes, Lashona was definitely a step up. If she was lucky, Lashona might let her brush her hair… Lashona placed a hand on her chest and fawned. “Oh thaaaank you, sugar! My, aren’t you the sweetest thang? You’re a nice little pony yourself, girl. Wait.” Lashona stood up from her chair, forcing every pony to take a step back from their resting positions. Lashona folded her arms and scratched her chin. “Hm… sensitive, sweet, and butterfly cu… magical butt tattoo. You must be Butt-er, Fluttershy!” Rarity internally cheered as Fluttershy and Lashona exchanged a few friendly lines. Phew, she passed one of the hardest tests. As long as Rainbow Dash or Applejack doesn’t give her a hard time- “Now wait a minute, sugarcubes!” Applejack interrupted Rarity’s thoughts, pushing past Fluttershy to give Lashona a glaring look. “How can we know we should trust her?” She glanced at her friends, each beginning to shuffle ever so slightly. “A strange creature that comes out of nowhere, talks fancy and friendly, and just accepts everything she sees? Doesn’t that sound the least bit familiar?” The other mares exchanged nervous glances, remembering Discord’s (near) betrayal to Fluttershy. They doubted Lashona was evil, but she did have a certain aura of character to her. To be fair, they had casually invited her to watch a movie out of politeness, so their xenophobia was somewhat out of place. Rarity opened her mouth to defend her friend, but was pushed aside by Rainbow Dash. “Hey, you can’t just assume she’s some changeling mutant or something! If Rarity likes her, then why can’t we? She seems pretty cool.” Rainbow Dash flipped her mane and held out a hoof. “Yeah girl!” Lashona wiggled her hip and bumped the hoof with a fist. “And besides,” Rainbow Dash said as she poked Applejack in the chest. “We’ve fought, defeated, and reformed Nightmare Moon and Discord. And don’t even get me started on an entire changeling army!” Lashona couldn’t help but choke. “What army? Y’all ponies have wars and shit too? What kinda military were you using?” Rainbow Dash grinned and tilted her head. “None. It was just us fighting.” “The six of you? Fighting? Against a whole damn army? And you won?” Rainbow Dash nodded, her grin widening. “Dayyuummm! Y’all ponies must be made of steel or something!” “Well, actually that’s magic,” Twilight informed, putting a hoof on Applejack’s shoulder. “But don't get us wrong, we don’t like fighting. We only had to do what’s necessary to protect Equestria. And we will do it again if it’s necessary, Lashona. Otherwise, you’re welcome here as a guest. We learned our lesson from Zecora and Discord, and we’re willing to hear you out.” Lashona nodded. With Rarity’s help, she began to explain her situation… “OHMYGOSH OHMYGOSH!” Pinkie Pie hopped around Lashona, excited after her tale. “That was so cool how he was like ‘I’m a big meanie!’ and you were like ‘Oh heck no!’ and slapped yourself into a new universe!” Pinkie stopped, her eyes narrowing in thought. “I hate lawyers! All they do is make money and do mean things to innocent ponies! I bet Sombra was a lawyer!” “You tell them, girl!” Lashona agreed, having briefly exchanged greetings with the last, but not least member of the group. Applejack rolled her eyes. “Still mad about the restraining order?” “YES!” Pinkie shouted, rubbing her fore-hooves together. “That meanie clown was a bully and a jerk and all I did was show him how to party! Filthy casuals…” Her mane began to lose it’s pink, but she shook her head and regained her positive demeanor. “But who cares about lawyers and clowns when we can throw a ‘Welcome-to-Ponyville’ party for Lashona! OhmygoshIcan’twait to show everypony our new friend! She’s going to love it!” Twilight looked up from the table and rolled up a piece of parchment with her magic. “I finished the letter, Lashona. As soon as Spike gets back from his appointment, we can send it to the princess. We’ll find you a way home in no time, I promise.” “Thanks sugar.” Lashona looked down at Pinkie Pie, currently bouncing in place at her feet. Pinkie’s tail wagged in her excitement, reminding Lashona of her old pooch. An odd urge tingled at her fingertips. As much as she tried to lie to herself, Lashona knew she couldn’t resist for long. “Oh hell with it! Speakin’ of sugar, come here you little cutie!” She dived down to her knees and wrapped her arms around Pinkie. Frightened, the other mares jolted in their place, but relaxed as Lashona began stroking Pinkie’s mane and scratching behind the ears. Pinkie reciprocated the feeling, letting her tongue roll out in a heavy pant as her tail madly flailed about, her eyelids drooping and eyes rolling in sheer euphoria. Applejack took off her stetson hat and placed it against her chest, a small smile forming on her face. Rainbow Dash strolled by and nudged her side. “Huh, whatcha think now?” Applejack smiled and replaced her hat on her head. “I think I like her now.” Lashona and Pinkie finally stopped rolling about, releasing each other from their affectionate holds. Pinkie panted and rolled onto her back while Lashona leaned on the table with her elbow. “Whew girl, that was fun!” Lashona panted, turning to look at Twilight. “I don’t think y’all need a ‘Welcome-to-Ponyville’ party for me, I think y’all need a ‘Welcome-to-Lashona’ party!” Pinkie Pie raised a inquisitive hoof. “Does that mean we have to play pin-the-tail-on-the-human?” Lashona thought for a moment, thinking of a proper response. There was only one. “Oh hell no!” Author's Note Special thanks to Skeeter The Lurker for prereading this! Thanks buddy!
Staying AliveCarousel Boutique resounded with funky music, courtesy of Pinkie Pie. The party mare and sassy woman were in the middle of the dance floor, shaking their behinds and moving to the groove. Pinkie wiggled next to Lashona, allowing the woman to lead. “Uh!” Lashona grunted as she thrust her hip to the side. “Uh! Uh! Shake that hiney!” The two girls shook their hips in unison to the funky beat, moving their shoulders and bobbing their heads to the side. It was the best way to celebrate staying alive. Lashona threw her hands in the air and rocked her body. “Ah ah ah ah, stay—“ “Darlings!” Rarity conveniently trotted into her living room, levitating a plate with homemade salad wraps for her guests. Dusk had arrived and the rest of her friends had returned home, but Pinkie chose to stay overnight. She asked in her own Pinkie way, of course, but Rarity had no qualms about letting her keep Lashona company. Nothing like laughter to stave off homesickness while Twilight researched the proper spell. Wiping sweat off her brow, Lashona stepped away from the funky Pinkie and immediately reached for a salad wrap. Without another word, she tossed it down the hatch and began to munch on it, salivating as she relished its vegan flavor. “Mm...MMM!” Lashona moaned as she chewed and eventually swallowed. “You like it?” Rarity fluttered her eyelashes, “I understand that it’s not quite tantalizing to your appetite, Lashona, but I did my best to compensate.” She blinked and waited for a response, only to watch the large woman devour yet another treat. On her fifth wrap, approximately the size of her favorite finger to use on the New York transit, Lashona couldn’t tear her mind away from the euphoric bliss the green delicacy had blessed her with. Vegetables were hard to come by in the land of greasy cheeseburgers and coffee served by college dropouts, and it showed on the Lashona’s lax face. Rarity coughed, finally prompting Lashona to snap out of her vegan stupor with a vigorous headshake. “Oh, yeah! Yeah! They’re perfect! Perfect, I tell you! Mm mm!” Eyeing Lashona’s larger waistline, Rarity blinked in surprise. “I had assumed from your omnivorous diet that you might prefer more variety, but I am overjoyed to be a proper hostess.” Lashona shot her an amused glare, raising an eyebrow. “Come on, girl, y’all are ponies. What do you think I’m going to do? Ask for fried chicken?” Pinkie Pie froze, middle-wiggle on the dance floor. Her hindlegs hovered in the air, as if time itself had been frozen in shock. Rarity took a step back, her eyes widening. “Y-you fry c-chickens? That’s cruel!” Unable to hold it in, Lashona buckled over and began belting out in laughter, perplexing the two concerned ponies. “Oh my god- oh my god!” She straightened her back and wiped a tear away. “If you weren’t ponies, that wouldn’t be nearly as funny… Y’all should’ve seen the look on your faces! Uh, you can stop looking at me like that.” Rarity shot a desperate, backward glance at Pinkie Pie, who merely shrugged away her shock and bounced off toward the dwindling refreshments with a carefree smile. Rarity turned back to a grinning Lashona, her ears drooping down and giving off a drained sigh. Her mane was still in neat and proper, but fatigue was settling in her marshmallow limbs. Not to mention that was quite the startling fright. “Perhaps, Miss Lashona, we should retire for the night?” Rarity nervously asked, her ears plastered to her temples, motioning her foreleg toward the stairs and prompting a yawn from the tired woman. They could clean up in the morning, but midnight was soon approaching. She didn’t have many orders that week, but work was still work and her calling. Thanks to her refined appearance, Rarity needed her beauty sleep. Without further ado, the trio made their ways upstairs to Rarity’s bedroom. Used to impromptu sleepovers, Pinkie Pie pulled out her emergency sleeping back (causing Lashona to choke on her latest salad wrap) and set it out on the floor. She circled around it a few times, pawing the bag with her hooves, before slipping inside it and curling up. “Damn,” Lashona gasped, holding out a hand. “She’s so adorable! I just want to-” Lashona shook her head, sleepiness lowering her eyelids and dampening her usual sass, and turned around. “So where am I supposed to sleep?” Now was Rarity’s turn to freeze. “Uh, uh.” Her eyes glanced back at her large, voluminous scarlet bedding. She can’t possibly… Oh no. Smiling, Rarity fluttered her eyelashes. “Oh, I understand, darling. Just let me retrieve some bedding for you to situate yourself wi-” “Nuh-uh,” Lashona grunted, snapping her fingers. “I know damn well what you’re trying to do, little Miss Sunshine. Do I look like I can just curl up and sleep on the floor? My spine would get all out of whack! Ain’t no way, ain’t no how I'm sleeping there!” Rarity gritted her teeth and retorted, “And who do you think you are, darling? I am the hostess here and I will-” Lashona kneeled down, becoming eye level with the charming hostess, her eyes glaring into Rarity’s iris sapphires. “If you do not respect the woman who just lost her home and everything she loves until we can find a way back, I will personally find a random garment and with a stitch and needle… sew a tacky accessory on it.” The fashionista gasped, holding a dramatic hoof to her chest.. “You wouldn’t dare!” “And I won’t tell you which one either.” Rarity bit her lip in frustration, cranky and fighting for her bed rights. “You. Are. Not. Getting. That. Bed!” Lashona snored, curled up deep in sleep, her feet just barely hanging off the foot of Rarity’s feather-bed. She dreamed pleasant dreams, dreams of home. In the murky darkness, a blissful Pinkie Pie and a restless Rarity slept as well, dreaming their own dreams under the moonlit night. Rarity whispered about baubles as Pinkie moaned about lawyers, innocent and unaware. A single beam of moonlight penetrated the darkness through the open window, illuminating the room in an ethereal light. A single tendril of vapor, an entity of its own, trickled into the room from the window, basking in the moonlight. Its silver composition sparkled under the celestial body as it gathered into the room. More and more vapor gathered and began swirling in the middle of the fashionable bedroom until it resembled a miniature storm cloud. Slowly, an incorporeal form emerged: a vaporous pegasus, covered in trailing chains and tattered clothing. “Laaashooonaaa,” the ghost droned, rattling his chains dramatically and wailing like a banshee. His fur was nothing but gas, his eyes nothing but two glowing lights in a sunken skull. His muzzle was shrunk, grotesque and decaying. He cried in anguish, his haunt only just begun. The voice had a harmonic quality to it, haunting notes with each wail he released. Notes lathered with pain, old pain from a lifetime past, pain he unleashed in his haunt. He was the face of supernatural terror: the epithet of sorrow. Lashona, in return, rolled over in the bed and let out a rather loud snore. The ghost stopped his rattling and stared at the woman. Grinding his teeth, he quickly scanned the room with his ocular orbs. His eyes lay across a jewelry box on the wardrobe. Narrowing his eyes, he lifted a foreleg. The box began to levitate, wobbling, until he flicked his hoof and sent it flying at Lashona. The small box bounced off Lashona’s forehead, turning a snore into a choke and forcing her to jolt up and mutter something ineligible. Lashona shook her head and rubbed her eyes. The moment she laid her hands down and noticed the ghost, her face turned pale and she clutched the sheets. “W-who are you?” The ghost rattled his chains and banshee-wailed again. “I am Morpheus, ruler of this realm and your current host! I strike fear into the hearts of my (sleeping) foes, the innocent, and fillies who drank a glass of water before bed! I can shape this world with my fingertips, change the course of destiny itself, and change your very fabric of being! I am a god, I am eternal, and I am-” Lashona let out a snore as she hugged her tiny pillow, oblivious to the mad god’s ranting. Steam blew out the ghost’s ears as he sulked, completely ignored. Sighing, the ghost floated over the sleeping form of a pony and over the bed, hovering horizontally directly over Lashona. He waved his hoof over her face, sprinkling silvery dust onto her eyelashes. A magic burst flashed, instantly waking Lashona. “ARGH!” Lashona screamed, her eyes shot open and staring into the ghost’s uncomfortably close muzzle. By reflex, her hand shot into her bra and pulled out a small canister, which she pointed at the ghost’s eyes and sprayed. The ghost blinked, the spray going straight through his incorporeal form. “You do realize I’m a ghost, right?” He blinked again. “That… doesn’t really work.” “Oh!” Lashona cried in relief, replacing the pepper spray in her bra. She then pulled out a similar canister: a spray can. “Good thing I always carry this!” -she fired the spray at him- “HOLY SPRAY, BI-er, WITCH!” The ghost roared and flew back, rubbing his eyes as he fell onto the floor, chains and all. He rolled on the ground, his eyes burning with a divine sensation. Holes melted into his muzzle, the holy water sanctifying him. He rolled to one side of the room, and then all the way to the other. Once the frantic rolling came to a slow stop, he sat up from the floor and continued to rub his eyes. “Who in their right mind carries holy water?!” “I’ve seen the Exorcist, I ain’t dealing with that shit!” Lashona said, snapping her fingers and rolling her head. “Now who are you, Mister Ghosty?” The pale pegasus put his forelegs down in support, blind. “I’m a figure from your past, Lashona, sent for no particular reason other than to create a sense of urgency in you. I was supposed to warn you about-” “Oh hell no!” Lashona said, defensively pulling the blanket to her chin. “I’m not dealing with no past ghost shit! It ain’t even Christmas yet! Get out of here before I exorcise your pale, ghostly white ass!” The ghost facehoofed and shook his head. “Oh Lashona, you never do change.” He stood up, his orbs finally clear again, and brushed himself off. “I’ll see you again soon enough. For now, it’s time to wake up.” “Wake up?” Lashona sat up in her bed. “Don’t tell me what to-” Lashona groaned, her muscles aching after a night spent dancing. She rolled her shoulders and squeezed her warm pillow, murmuring. “Stupid white ghost, why’d it tussle with me.” “I really wish you wouldn’t say that, it’s quite belittling,” Rarity whispered as she nuzzled closer to Lashona’s chest. “But you are warm, and I will forgive you.” Lashona silently counted to ten, calming her heartbeat before speaking. “What are you doing?” she asked, keeping her eyes closed as her blood pressure spiked. Rarity shifted, her chin resting on Lashona as she looked up. “Don’t you remember? We decided to share the bed, after all. Do you really think I’d sleep on my own floor?” she asked with a slight lisp, sleep inertia apparent. “I do hope you slept as well as I have.” Lashona sighed. “Don’t tell me I have to buy you a drink-” “Well,” Rarity interrupted as she wiggled away and out of bed, hopping onto the ground. “I have an appointment to attend to for my dear sister. It’s a special day for the fillies: career day.” Rarity trotted the nearest mirror and preened herself, reapplying makeup and brushing her mane. “She may not have found her calling, but I suppose I must support her choice for today. Remind me to thank dear Spike; he was the one who pulled a few strings, after all.” Lashona leaned on her elbow, eyeing an empty sleeping bag that Pinkie Pie had slept in. “Girl, you gotta mention things like that the night before. What if I was a man? Ya can’t just leave like that!” Lashona wiped the sleep from her eyes and began to step off the small bed. “So, your sister? What’s she doing?” Rarity paused, debating on how to answer. I hope she doesn't mind too much… She turned her head, facing Lashona. “It’s my dear sister, Sweetie Belle. She’s bringing a lawyer to school.” Lashona’s blood turned to ice. “Oh hell no.” Author's Note Preread/edited by Frission and Draconian Soul. Thanks guys! Whoa, this gurl actually drew Lashona! Sorry for the still short-ish chapters. I want to write more, but some essays came up this week along with scholarships. Those are hardly fun. Regardless, it's kind of my entire future resting on these little essays I have to write, so please understand that the pace will kick up soon. I will "try" to keep a schedule, but I'll probably slip often (or a lot, actually). Luckily, I'll even that out with ninja updates out of nowhere! How about that? And before I get comments about the ghost, it was just a dream. Yes, just a dream. No relevance to the plot whatsoever. He's definitely not returning or foreshadowing anything whatsoever. Nope.
