The birds sang a merry tune as a glorious new day began in the small town of ponyville.
"Ugh..."
Rarity, the paragon of grace and dignity began her morning ritual of opening the shop.
"Nooo..."
I said...Rarity began her-
"Shut. Up."
*AHEM* Rarity-
"FUCK OFF."
Rarity decided that today would be a fine day to sleep in, after all, her customers were never myriad in the morning.
"Bingo."
-The Previous Evening-
"I'm telling you galls, I know of a great place! It's never packed, musics never to loud, and the ponies are always friendly!" Applejack suggested with a grin.
"I don't know AJ, what's wrong with our usual watering hole?" Rainbow Dash added from above, a look of mild frustration across her face.
"Nothin at all, Ah'm just saying it might be a good idea to try new places, ya know? Meet some new ponies!"
"I agree with Applejack," Twilight chipped in, "We've been going to The Crystal ever weekend for months, lets try someplace new."
"Well I suppose it couldn't hurt to experiment it a bit, after all, meeting new ponies does seem to attract some customers for my boutique!" Rarity added with a smile.
"Exactly!" AJ hooted. So it's settled, tonight, we're going to The Smiling Skull!"
"the WHAT?!" the other girls cried in unison.
-4 Hours Later-
"Oh I don't know dear, this place looks a little...rough, don't you think?" Rarity asked, nervously eyeing the establishment.
It was clearly old. Very old. The entire structure was dark wood, with what appeared to be a timberwolf skull proudly hanging over the door inside, a wicked grin plastered across it's crooked teeth. The windows were darkly tinted so that only the faint glow of bar lights could be seen from the outside. Gruff voices and the clink off glasses came from the inside, and even from the street the place reeked of tobacco and sin.
"Oh nonsense! Yall girls have just never been to a real bar! This place don't serve none a that fru fru stuff yall call 'drinks'. This here place has heart! Why, I bet this place has more stories to tell than the rest of the bars in Ponyville combined!"
"But... but I like my fru fru drinks..." Rarity moaned.
"Yeah, Fluttershy wouldn't even come here just because of the NAME of this place, and now I can kinda see why..." Rainbow Dash added, her wings folded modestly to her side. "Besides, it reeks..."
"Oh come on gals, I used to come to this place for years before I met y'all, and I don't have a single bad memory!"
"Weren't you 20 when we all met?" Twilight asked.
"The bartenders didn't know that." AJ quipped.
"OK! So what we have here is a bar that doesn't ID, smells like death, and has a SKULL nailed to the wall, and we're suppose to lower our inhibitions in a place like this?" Twilight asked, frustrated.
"I agree with Twilight, Applejack, I just don't feel safe in a place like this," Rarity voiced, "and I don't intend to be picked up by any ruffians tonight!"
"Oh please Rarity no pony's gonna be eyeing you," AJ scoffed.
"EXCUSE ME?!" Rarity gasped, "I could get any stallion I wanted in this town! Especially ones that have low enough standards to hang around...places like these!"
"Oh yeah?"
"MOST CERTAINLY."
"Alright, Ah'll make a bet with you."
"What kind of bet?"
"Ah bet you 20 bits that more stallions will buy drinks for me than you."
"OH, IT. IS. ON."
"One more rule..."
"What?"
"You have to drink whatever a stallion buys for ya."
"As long as he doesn't put anything in it."
"Rarity, these are simply folks. They wanna get in your haunches, but they have strict morals about doin it the right way."
"Getting me drunk enough to lower my standards for a one night stand?"
"Exactly."
"Girls, I don't know about this..." Twilight chimed in.
"NO! We are going to prove to Applejack here that I can get just as many drinks as her!"
"Well you girls have fun, I'm just going to go..." Rainbow Dash began to flutter off.
"Oh no ya don't," AJ hollered, grabbing RD by the tail.
"We're gonna show miss prissy pony here that sometimes real stallions want real mares."
"Oh by Celestia this won't end well..." Twilight moaned as the 4 headed into the establishment.
Upon opening the door the stench of spilt beer, vomit and cigarettes assaulted their nostrils.
"Oh I'm gonna be sick..." Twilight moaned.
Applejack took a deep wiff in, "I'm HOME!"
Several bar patrons looked around, their eyes widening.
"Well well well, if it isn't our champion drinker miss Applejack herself!" The bartender grunted, a grin creeping across his unkempt face, cigarette bobbing as he talked.
'champion drinker'?Rarity wondered to herself.
"Good to see ya too, Pabst." AJ answered with a coy smile
"Um, excuse me," Rarity raised her hoof, "isn't smoking while bar tending a bit, um, unsanitary?"
The bar went silent.
"...um...not that it...matters...hehe," I'm going to have to take a 3 day bath to get this stench out of my coat she thought to herself.
"So, AJ, I see you brought some, uh, friends." Pabst remarked cautiously.
"Yeah, just some softies. I figured I should show 'em what a REAL bar is like!"
"Well you picked a good night to do it, we got my blue ribbon brew on tap, a couple unopened bottles of jack, and uh...water."
"So...no gin and tonics?" Rarity asked cautiously.
I can water down some whiskey and blow bubbles in it if ya like..." Pabst offered.
"I'll um...I'll try your blue ribbon brew." Rarity replied. Well normally I can't stand beer but if it won a blue ribbon it must be decent... Rarity thought.
"Excellent choice!" Pabst pulled a glass from beneather the bar and began to fill it with the amber liquid, foaming ever so slightly at the top. He set it on the table and slid it over to Rarity. "Two bits." he stated, hoof out and waiting.
Oh soot, I was supposed to wait for a stallion to buy this for me...oh well, might as well try it first...and it's remarkably cheap too! Rarity levitated the two coins into his hoof, and raised the glass to her lips.
It was foul.
Immediately she took the glass away, struggling hard to maintain a straight face and not spit out the horrid liquid whilst Appljack snickered at her reaction. Rarity finally managed to swallow the mouthful and let out an unpleasant *ack*.
"Ahem, um, whoo...uh, mister, Pabst, was it? I have to ask, *hmuhm* who is was that awarded you this *urk* blue ribbon?"
"Oh well, ah did!" Applejack said with a smile, clearly pleased as punch with herself. "Best brew in the whole of Equestria in my opinion."
"I...see."
Applejack turned around to face the group off gruff stallions, smoking, drinking and playing cards.
She cleared her throat.
*Ahem*
"WHOSE A MARE GOT A BUCK AROUND HERE TO GET A FREAKIN DRINK?!"
There was a clatter of glasses and bits before a series of drinks were slid to AJ's seat on the bar, along with a rapid surrounding of various stallions, eager to make 'conversation.'
AJ's head popped out from the crowd to look at Rarity.
"Me: 7. You: 0. Step up yer game pretty pony."
Author's Note
This is my first attempt at raw comedy and it probably won't be terribly relatable to minors or those who don't drink.
Rarity sighed, staring into her bubbling brew of brutal bile, wishing more than anything that she could have a nice martini, or wine. Hell, anything other than this vile concoction this stallion dared pass of as a drink.
There's no way Applejack can really enjoy this...stuff! It's simply dreadful...
Suddenly, Rarity was snapped out of her thought by a loud chanting coming from the opposite end of the bar.
"CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!"
No...
"CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!"
She can't possibly...
"CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!"
Sure enough, as Rarity looked to the source of the chanting she saw AJ, ruthlessly pounding down what appeared to be her 4th mug of beer, before pulling it away from her muzzle, swiping a hoof across her face with a satisfied *ah*.
Oh how undignified! Honestly I don't know what the stallions see in her, she's abhorrent!
I'll show her, Stallions want a real, and proper mare. Not one of themselves with a vagina!
Rarity looked about, and caught the eye of a fair, albeit gruff looking stallion a few chairs down, miraculously not smoking, or partaking in the forceful donning of alcohol poisoning to her friend.
"*Ahem* Excuse moi, dahling, but I was wondering if you'd be oh so chivalrous as to offer me a beverage?"
The stallion looked at her, and grunted, "Lahdy, Ah dinnt ondahsthand a fookin word ah watcha just said, boot if yah ahskin me ta getcha a pint, ah'd recommend yah finish yer first one."
"Oh, well, yes, it just seems to be a bit *hem* rough for me...is there anything here that's a bit more...um...girly?"
The stallion stared at Rarity, seeming to process what she had said.
"Lahdy, are ya tryin ta tell me ya normally LIEK the taste a booze?"
"Well, normally it isn't so...harsh."
"Miss, yeve come to ah place where stallions and mares come ta drink there problems away, not sip n socialize. The taste oh th' drink is normahlly the leest of their concerns."
"I see...well how do you get past the, um, taste, regardless?"
"Ah don't taste it. Ah just sort of open mah throat and let it pour in."
"Oh so kind of like giving a-"
"Wut?"
"What."
"...."
"*ahem* wellthanksfortheadvice. Gottagobye."
"Wait, miss..."
"Hm?"
"Finish thaht there drink, and ah'll getcha anoother one."
"Um, yes...thanks."
Rarity did as the Scottish pony said, using magic to pinch her nose, she opened up her throat and began to pour. The taste was cut significantly, and she could feel the cool foamy liquid running down her throat. Sure and soon enough, the pint glass was empty.
"Ugh...well, that wasn't so bad..."
The bar was silent.
Applejack looked at Rarity, jaw agape.
"Rares, ah'm surprised you could actually...put that away...guess miss pretty pony has a chance after all...if she could get a stallion..."
"Ah'll give 'er a drink!" The Scotstallion said loudly, "Th' poor things just lost 'er job!" He leaned down to Rarity's ear, "ah heard yah bet earlier, and ah know for a bloody good fact that she aint boockin any o' them. So she wansa cheat? We cheat too. Eh?"
Rarity cleared her throat, "Um, well, I-"
"Ahh don't speak yah poor lass. Just keep drinkin till it don't hurt so bad any more!"
Suddenly, the flock of stallions left Applejack high and dry, murmuring quiet 'I'm so sorry' s and 'You'll find a new place'.
A sudden river of booze came across rarity in the forms of beers and whiskey's, all from stallions looking to be her knight in shining armor.
The scotstallion winked at Rarity, "Ah'm rootin for yah. Names Roym, by the way."
Rarity whispered, "Thank you, but why? Why are you doing this?"
"Ya know ye friend, Applejack, was it?"
"Yes..?"
"Well she threw up on me date aboot a few years ago, and told her she was takin me! So consider this a bit a payback."
Rarity giggled, "Wel, thank you, Roym, I'll do my best."
Rarity faced the crowd and put on a smile, "Thank you all so much, it means so much to me that you'll all help me forget my woes in such time of need...with that...
LET'S GET WASTED!!!"
