My Name is Anon

by DangerousBox

Rating: teen
Tags: Other, Romance, Silver Spoon, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Tragedy, Sex, Human, Twilight Sparkle, Diamond Tiara, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe
Length: 1007

One day a wormhole opens up in Equestria, sending one unsuspecting human on the adventure of a lifetime.

Somehow, someway he made it to Equestria. Meeting familiar faces we all know and love, will Anon be able to bring justice to Equestria? Or will he die trying?

Published 2014-01-06 23:50:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-06 23:50:03 UTC

My Name is Anon

One day Twilight Sparkle was walking around in her tree house when suddenly a giant wormhole opened before her!

“Oh my sweet sexy Celestia!” Twilight yelled in shock, staring in awe at the worm hole. Seconds later (she timed it) a hairless ape exited the wormhole! But it was no ordinary hairless ape, he was a incredibly sexy hairless ape, which caused desire to flow through her body!

“Oh my god, where am I?” he asked himself in a sexy deep voice, filled with testosterone and vigor. He was truly a god in human flesh!

“Hello, strange monkey!” Twilight Sparkle waved, wishing to bed this handsome hunk of a man.

“Oh mah gerd! Talking pony!” the man screamed in a sexy manner befitting a human that was randomly (and lazily) teleported to Equestria.

“No! Do not be afraid!” Twilight begged, wishing nothing more than to tie him up in her bed.

“Okay!” the human stopped screaming, and flashed his pecs. “Allow me to tour your wonderful world, with my sexy abs!” he demanded as she flashed his abs as well. It was a six pack, and showed that he exercised regularly! He totally didn’t live in his mom’s basement, doing nothing productive with his life like a lazy, no good slacker!

“Okay!” Twilight said, holding herself back from leaping into the humans well toned arms and taking him right there. “Oh my Celestia, that random human I just met and have had no emotional connection with is so sexy, and I am in love instantly!”

And with that, the human walked outside of the library, doing his best not to make all the mares fall in love with him. However, because of his incredibe sex appeal he failed and every mare wanted to have sex with him. Even Cadance, who was happily married to what’s his face.

“My name’s Shining Armor!”

Nobody cares!

“Now I must seek random justice and talk down to a character I hate!” the human said, who shall now be named Anon, which is short for anonymous! Yes, that is totally a clever name idea, and no one has ever thought of using that name!

As he walked throughout Ponyville, he ran into the Cutie Mark Crusaders, who were being picked on by Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon!

“Like, you fillies are, like, totally lame!” Diamond Tiara said as she shook her underage sexy flank.

“Yeah!” Silver Spoon agreed, nodding her head! But the thing is she didn’t like Diamond Tiara, because Silver Spoon is clearly better than Diamond Tiara! Like that one time she clapped for Granny Smith, and that clearly shows she hates Diamond Tiara and only follows her because she fears her for no explained reason.

“Diamond Tiara, why do ya’ll always pick on us?” Apple Bloom asked, tears streaking down her eyes.

“Because I am clearly evil, and I clearly hate everything that is good!” Diamond Tiara yelled with a growl. And that is true, Diamond Tiara is clearly the most evil being in all the universe!

“I’ve heard enough!” Anon with his totally original name shouted out in anger. “How dare you commit the heinous crime of calling these young fillies lame! That is horrible, and you deserve nothing but death for it!” Because as we all know, bullies are worse than Discord, Chrysalis, and Sombra combined! Enslaving a entire race? Ha! Calling other fillies blank flanks is far worse and deserve more hatred!

“...Are we seriously going to be a part of this?” Diamond Tiara sighed as she looked at Silver Spoon and the CMC. “Seriously, this is just getting stupid.”

“W-what?” Anon asked, unable to believe his perfect ears.

“Ah agree,” Apple Bloom said with a nod, glaring at Anon. “One, this entire time you’ve been referencing yourself to be something special, when yer not. Heck, ah’m pretty sure you live in yer mothers basement!” Apple Bloom said, causing Anon to wince.

“Two, you’re threatening deadly violence against a little filly. A. LITTLE. FILLY!” Scootaloo shouted, picking up her scooter with deadly intent. “Seriously, what’s your problem you sick freak?!”

“If the first thing you do in Equestria is kill a filly for minor bullying,” Diamond Tiara began as she pounded one hoof into the other, “then you REALLY need to get your priorities straight!” With all three of them smiling sadistically at him, the three cornered Anon, ready to pounce.

“Wait!” Sweetie Belle cried, standing in front of anon protectively. She was most likely taken in by his glorious abs!

“What is is, Sweetie Belle?” Apple Bloom asked, glaring at her friend who was standing between her and ultimate evil.

“Ha! Clearly Sweetie Belle recognizes my importance!” Anon shouted victoriously in a sexy manner.

“Actually, I just wanted a line,” Sweetie Belle said as she turned around with a bat covered in nails. “And now that I’ve spoken, time to KILL YOU!”

And with that Anon was brutally beaten by the CMC and Diamond Tiara. Silver Spoon just hanged back and laughed at the misfortune of an idiot who dared threaten Diamond Tiara, the absolute best pony in the entire show.

After the horrific beating Anon took, he died because of lame character development and overused plot elements. Now that he is gone, Diamond Tiara decided that there was only one thing left to do.

“Now that that’s taken care of,” Diamond Tiara said as she wrapped a hoof around Apple Bloom’s neck. “How about you and me have hot, depraved sex right here and now?”

“Diamond Tiara, aren’t we an overused pairing?” Apple Bloom asked, glaring at her arch nemesis.

“Does that mean you don’t want hot, depraved sex?” Diamond Tiara asked, waiting for a reply. Apple Bloom continued glaring at her for a few minutes, before a large grin formed on her face.

“...AH CHOOSE TOP POSITION!” Apple Bloom shouted out as she jumped on top of Diamond Tiara. And in front of the entire town they had hot, depraved sex. And oh my god, was it depraved.