Opposable Superiority

by RainbowBob

Rating: everyone
Tags: Spike, Comedy, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1106

When Twilight returns back to Equestria after her time in the human world, she learns she lost something very important. Two things, in fact. Once you go hands, you never go back… for other appendages.

When Twilight returns back to Equestria after her time in the human world, she learns she lost something very important. Two things, in fact. Once you go hands, you never go back… for other appendages.

Thanks to alexmagnet for the help editing!

Published 2014-01-07 01:00:10 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-07 01:00:10 UTC

Chapter 1: Digits Be Done

The portal shimmered in a bright light and then flashed, with Twilight stepping through on her hind-legs shortly afterwards. Teetering back and forth while waving her hooves, she fell forward… on her face.

“Twilight!” Fluttershy cried out, wincing.

“You’re back!” Rainbow yelled, flapping over the pained body of Twilight.

“You got the crown!” Rarity said. “And you fell. Are you quite alright, dear?”

Twilight struggled to lift her head up, grimacing and rubbing her jaw. “I knew you could do it!” Pinkie said, enveloping Twilight in a close hug that sent her jaw into pure agony.

“Girls, girls, back up a bit, please!” Twilight said, pushing Pinkie away. Her hooves slid and stood unsteady beneath her, and when she finally managed to support herself on all her hooves, her knees buckled and fell back to the cruel embrace of the floor yet again.

“Hey, Twi, ya sure ya can get up fine?” Applejack asked, taking a few steps forward with a hoof out to help. “Cause if ya need any—”

“No, no, I got it,” Twilight interrupted. Sticking her tongue out with sweat pouring down her forehead, she heaved herself up on her rump. “I just need to get used to not having my human body anymore.”

“Sunset Shimmer, is she alright?” Celestia asked.

“I think she’s going to be fine. I left her in good hands,” Twilight said confidently. Her eyes widened suddenly, her lips pursed in pause, and finally Twilight looked down at her hooves with a frown clear on her face. “Hands…”

Rainbow Dash and Rarity shared a strange look, and Rainbow asked, “What are hands?”

Just then, Spike rushed out from the mirror and accidentally ran into Twilight’s backside. Before he could stand, Twilight grabbed him by the waist and whisked him off his feet, shaking him in front of her friends. “Hands! Hands, like Spike has!” Waving Spike’s arms, Twilight said, “See? They have fingers and palms and opposable thumbs!”

“Uh, Twilight, why are you shaking my arm like a noodle?” Spike asked.

Twilight released Spike and looked back at her hooves. “Hands! That’s what I used to have. But not anymore…”

“So what? They’re just hands.” Rainbow shrugged.

“They’re more than just hands! They were my hands! My beautiful, soft as Rarity’s bottom, hands!”

Rarity tilted her head. “How do you know what my bottom feels like?”

Twilight’s lower lip quivered as she touched her hooves together. “I had fingers and fingernails and knuckles and even nail polish! Now all I have are these… hooves.” Twilight sighed sadly after the last word.

“Now, why are hooves so bad?” Applejack asked, staring at her own with a raised brow. “Seem pretty darn useful if ya ask me.”

“Are you kidding me? They’re basically stumps compared to what hands were like! With hands, I could grab stuff, touch things with my finger, scratch my back with my nails if I wanted to. But with these,” Twilight said, waving her hooves all around, “having hooves instead of hands is like going out to a movie and finding out the theater is really just a creepy, dark alley and that popcorn is just a euphemism for a mugging!”

“That… makes absolutely no sense,” Rarity said, backing away slowly from Twilight. “Darling, are you sure you’re alright? You didn’t bump your head or anything?”

“Spike, how did you get through the portal?” Twilight asked anxiously. Holding either side of Spike’s cheeks and squeezing them until his eyes bugged out, she brought him close until their eyes were only inches apart. “How?”

“De purtul es dill ‘pan?” Spike guessed, spittle flying out of his lips.

“Then I still have time!” Twilight said, turning around and rushing back to the portal. “Hands, you’ll be mine once ag—”

Twilight’s face impacted with a hard surface for the second time in less than five minutes as she ran right into the mirror. Slowly sliding to the ground while releasing a groan of pain, Twilight began beating on the mirror with her hooves while crying pathetically. “No! No, it can’t end this way! I’m sorry I ever wanted to come back! I want my hands back! Can you do that for me, magic mirror? Please, just give them back!”

“Twilight, relax already!” Rainbow said loudly. “We were all so worried about you, and then the minute you come back you want to return? I thought you were our friend?”

“What’s so great about hands anyways?” Fluttershy asked, hiding behind her mane.

“What’s so great about them? They’re the best appendages anyone could ever have!” Twilight said as she leaned back on the mirror and teared up as she inspected her plain old hooves. “With fingers I could pick up an apple, type at a computer, play a guitar, and even mast—erm, master playing the piano.”

“But can’t you just do that with your hooves?” Pinkie asked, staring at Twilight’s hooves with wide eyes. “Pretty much everypony can. Ooh, and you can use magic, too!”

“It isn’t the same, Pinkie! Can’t you all understand that?” Twilight asked with tears pooling in her eyes. “I can’t do jazz hands anymore, the peace sign, running my fingers through my mane, thumbing someone up, holding out my pinkie finger in a pretentious way while drinking tea to appear fancy, or even thumb-wrestling! All those experiences, gone! Gone forever! These are like chopsticks compared to sporks!” Twilight sobbed, holding her head in her hooves.

“Psst, Dash, what are chopsticks?” Pinkie whispered as Twilight cried louder.

Rainbow shrugged. “I dunno. Something oriental maybe?”

“Now I’ll never get to pick my nose again!” Twilight attempted to shove her hoof into her nostril, only for her efforts to be unsuccessful. “All the wasted years! I soiled them! Soiled them, I say!”

Twilight cradled herself in the fetal position and sucked on her hoof. As everyone gathered around her to look with mixed amounts of pity and annoyance, Fluttershy asked, “Is she going to be okay?”

“Just give her two hours and I think she’ll be over it,” Spike said, crossing his arms and shaking his head sadly. Scratching his chin, he added, “Though, I can see where she’s coming from. I guess there are some dog things I’ll miss.”

“Like what?” Rainbow asked curiously.

“Well, being able to pee on trees without judgement from others. That was pretty sweet. Along with licking myself wherever I want.” Spike lifted up his leg and smiled in surprise. “Hey, I can still do it! I didn’t even know I was this flexible!”

“Okay, everyone out!” Applejack shouted when Spike began to stick out his tongue.