*****
A brisk autumn wind skirted across the desolate landscape of the Changeling kingdom. The castle of the Changelings was darker, slimier, and generally a lot less pleasant today. Pale green light filtered through the dripping walls of the main hall, resting on two shadowy figures seated at the grand dining table. The two figures shuffled uneasily and muttered to each other beneath their breath. Growling bitterly, their icy hearts dwelt on the savage vengeance they would bring down upon he who had caused them both such torment. A soft noise was heard from the front of the hall. The two figures turned sharply as the door to the hall opened with a wet squelch. In skipped a third figure.
"I'm heeere! And I've brought the coleslaw!"
Queen Chrysalis rose from her seat, her hooves slapping the table in annoyance. "Well, it's about time! We're starving! I swear, Discord, next time you're late-"
"Next time I'm late, I'll be sure to bring the cranberry sauce as well," interrupted Discord.
"WHAAT? You forgot the cranberry sauce??" shrieked Chrysalis, her chest heaving and green flames in her eyes. "You had ample time to bring what you needed!"
Discord put up his claws defensively. "The store was out, I swear!" he protested, "and I didn't want to be late, so I didn't look anywhere else!"
King Sombra rolled a few evil eyes at the bickering pair, mumbling something about his sweet potato casserole. The only time these two didn't fight was when they were on opposite ends of Equestria, and even then they still kept up long-distance hate mail. There wasn't much point in attempting to break up this little debacle.
"And that's not the only thing they had run out of!" pouted Discord, trying the best he could to avoid Chrysalis' fiery glare. "The biscuits were all sold out as well, so I had to settle for these!" He procured a box of Saltine Crackers, which had already been opened.
Chrysalis was at a loss for words. She had prepared quite a nasty hate speech for Discord's tardiness, but the words kind of flopped out of her mouth unintelligibly in her rage. "You-! Crackers?? Yooouuaarreeugh!"
"Don't get your holey horn in a knot! There are plenty for all of us!" Discord replied as he munched down a few crackers. He gagged when he suddenly found Chrysalis' hooves at his throat.
Sombra stepped forward swiftly, putting his hoof in front of Chrysalis before she could strangle Discord. "I'm not too happy with Discord either, Chrys, but I think we should tone it down before somepony loses their head!"
"Loses their head! Excellent suggestion!" snarled Chrysalis, "We could even stuff it and stick an apple in its mouth!"
"Oh? Well, if that's all you needed..." Discord huffed, placing an apple between his teeth.
"She's not serious, you know," sighed Sombra.
"Am I not?" sneered Chrysalis.
"Too bad," mumbled Discord, reattaching his head, "I've never had this thing stuffed before, at least... well, it never tasted very good." He spun his head around a few times, screwing his neck into his shoulders like a light bulb into a socket.
Sombra put a frustrated hoof to his face. "What excuse to you have to be late anyways Discord? We all know where the castle is..."
"I got a bit...turned around," said Discord, his head facing the opposite direction. "Took a wrong turn at the seventh dead tree and wound up in the tar pits. Always forget that it's the eighth dead tree to make the turn at..."
"Do us a favor and next time just stay lost at the tar pits," spat Chrysalis.
"But then who will bring the biscuits?" said Discord, looking slightly hurt.
Chrysalis gave Discord her most toothy of venomous grins. "I think we can manage without.... bissssssscuits." Her snake-like hiss sent a shudder down Sombra's spine.
"I suppose you would have to," sighed Discord as he sullenly nibbled a cracker, "But could you manage even after Sombra burns his casserole again?"
A lot of ponies wonder what caused the Great San Franciscolt Fire of '06. Most experts believe it to have been a gas leak originating in a bagel bakery on Twenty-Fourth Street. But what most experts don't know is that King Sombra used to be a bagel baker in San Franciscolt before he took over the Crystal Empire. (It just so happens that Sombra did not own this particular bakery, nor did he start the Great San Franciscolt Fire of '06. That doesn't change how he is in fact an awful baker.) Sombra did his best to keep his even composure in the face of that ghastly insult to his culinary skill. "My casserole was not burnt last time-"
"More like cremated," chortled Discord, "Next time you should at least invite us to the funeral."
Sombra breathed in heavily and exhaled a slow and icy string of words. "It was well-baked to a tasteful crispness which complemented the soft, sweet undertones of the-"
"Oh dear," snickered Chrysalis as she sniffed the air, "Is...is something burning?"
"No," replied Discord airily, "It's just reaching a 'tasteful crispness which complements the soft-'"
"MY CASSEROLE!!" Sombra roared as he charged from the hall.
Discord and Chrysalis laughed uproariously as they watched Sombra dash to the kitchens to save his precious casserole. A small whisp of black smoke was already drifting from the hallway.
"Tasteful crispness? Where does he get this stuff?" giggled Chrysalis.
"To be fair, he has been on ice for a millennium," sighed Discord, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes.
Their laughter stopped abruptly when the hall suddenly began to fill with black smoke. Discord and Chrysalis whipped their heads around to the source of the smoke. At the end of the hall stood King Sombra, wreathed in a veil of shadows and the billowing smoke of his casserole. His eyes blazed red with anger.
"YOU TWO SHALL PAY DEARLY FOR WHAT YOU HAVE DONE!"
Discord and Chrysalis stared for a few moments at the fuming Sombra standing with his fuming casserole. They burst out laughing.
"What WE have done? I think your own skill conjured that evil! Don't sell yourself short!" hooted Chrysalis.
Discord held his sides, laughing uncontrollably. "I usually have to try if I want to make my casseroles that bad! Do us a favor and put it out of our misery!"
The entire hall became filled with shadow as dark tendrils of smoke trailed from King Sombra's black form. The smoke wrapped around both Discord and Chrysalis, enveloping the two in a billowing vortex. Sombra cackled high and mightily, his evil laugh reverberating through the hall. "HAHAHAHA! THE TWO OF YOU SHALL SUFFER IN ETERNAL DARKNESS.....FOREVER!!"
Chrysalis sighed disinterestedly. "Oh, give it a rest, Sombra. You did this last year too."
Discord began inhaling the smoke into a pipe he had just lit. "And 'eternal darkness forever' sounds like it might conflict with my schedule. I have a manicure appointment tomorrow, so I simply won't be able to make it to your 'eternal darkness' shindig."
Sombra, deflated like a punctured balloon, let his smoky wrath subside. Miserably he picked up his cremated casserole and set the charred remains on the table next to Discord's cracker box. "This is still your fault," he grumbled. "If the two of you hadn't been arguing, I wouldn't have been distracted, and I could have saved my casserole!"
Discord had by now nearly emptied the room of smoke through his pipe, and the hall began to reveal it's sickly green walls again. "Can't really save what was doomed to fail in the first place," he said with a shrug.
"Oh, now that's just rude!" replied a voice all three recognized, but didn't come from any of them.
Discord winced as if something had just pinched him on the nose. "Oh, no....not again..." he moaned.
All three slowly turned their heads around to find the source of the voice. They spotted a figure standing in the entrance to the hall. The figure was indistinct through the dim light and remaining smoke.
"That better not be who I think it is," grumbled Sombra, sliding his hooves over his face.
Out of the clearing smoke, a bouncing pink mare hopped forward into the dull, green light. The trio of villains could only stare like deer caught in headlights as recognition hit them. "Don't worry! I brought the cranberry sauce!" she giggled.
Chrysalis had her mouth twisted agape in a combination of rage and bewilderment. "How.....? HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE??" she screamed.
"It wasn't easy, I'll tell ya that!" chuckled Pinkie, "Forgot to make the turn at the eighth dead tree again. Loving your tar pits, by the way! Very non-exfoliating."
"GUARDS!"
"Oh, don't worry about calling them," reassured Pinkie, "I already invited them!"
Chrysalis was dumbstruck.
" They should be here....right aboooouut.....now!"
As she spoke, the main hall doors burst open and a flood of changelings poured through. Each one carried a different food or table setting, which they promptly placed on the huge table.
"They all seemed pretty bummed that you guys didn't even invite them! After all, isn't Thanksgiving about who and what you are thankful for? Especially evil minions?" Pinkie high-hoofed a couple changelings as they filtered in.
Chrysalis sat quivering in rage and utter befuddlement. Sombra's eyelid twitched. Discord found an interestingly shaped glob of green goo to stare at intently while inhaling smoke through his pipe. The changelings crowded the hall while Pinkie stood beaming the entire time.
"Well," whistled Sombra, "that escalated quickly."
The swarming hall was abuzz with talk and buzzing alike as the changelings took their seats. The table was barely able to fit the entire bunch, and many found seats on laps while others simply hovered nearby. Chrysalis hastily pulled one of her subjects aside.
"Yes, oh Mistress of Malice?"
"Why did you allow a goofy, pink mare into my castle? Especially that abomination??"
"She is a very persuasive and charming pink mare," admitted the changeling, "She came to us with sing-alongs....and cupcakes. Such a wonderful gesture....but don't worry, I think most of us came because of the cupcakes."
The Queen shook her head disgustedly. "This is completely out of hoof!" she roared. "All my subjects, remove this pink menace from my presence at once!"
"Wait! They can't leave yet!" protested Pinkie, with her biggest, saddest eyes, "we still need to do our Thanksgiving Song!" Pinkie jumped upon the table to address the changeling horde. "All right everypony, positions! Just like we practiced!" Before the bewildered eyes of the three villains, the entire group of changelings instantly took on the poofy-maned form of Pinkie Pie.
"Now that escalated even quicker!" exclaimed Sombra.
Discord brought his attention away from his green blob to ogle at the Pinkie-Apocalypse. "I've never felt such a strange combination of sheer delight and utter disgust," he commented lightly.
Chrysalis peeled one of her subjects from the mass of Pinkies and whispered icily in his ear. "How did she talk you into this??"
"Well...umm....they were good cupcakes, your Vileness...."
Pinkie beamed radiantly as the copies of herself shuffled into rough rows at the head of the table. "All right now, put on your biggest smiles! That means you too, Skitterwing! That's better!" Taking a position in the middle of the table, Pinkie held her hooves aloft and began to count off. "A-one, and a-two, and a-three...."
The three villains could only watch in wonder as the chorus of Pinkie Pies raised their voices in unison.
"A Happy Thanksgiving to you!
A Happy Thanksgiving to you!
Though you may hate us and loathe us, it's true,
You're ev-ery bidding is what we must do,
We've all been fine minions, and grateful ones too,
So a Happy Thanksgiving to you!
The most faithful of minions, by you we abide,
Even in anguish for us you once cried,
Through kicks and name-calling, we've stayed by your side,
So a Happy Thanksgiving to you!
We sing our heartfelt song today,
Though our hearts don't always feel so gay,
We baddies aren't saddies on Thanksgiving Day!
So a Happy Thanksgiving to you!"
The villainous trio sat silently for a few moments after the song ended. The Pinkie-changelings shuffled anxiously where they stood, awaiting the wrath of their queen. A sniff broke the silence. They peered to where Queen Chrysalis was wiping a single tear from her eye.
"That was...*sniff*....so.....terrible," she wept, blowing her nose into a nearby changeling. "There is only one creature I know of who could be responsible for such a horrendous thing."
"Me?" questioned Pinkie, not sure whether to be hurt or honored.
Chrysalis shook her head. "No, it was Discord." She pointed a shaky hoof to where Discord sat hunched over his green glob. "He put you up to this, didn't he?"
Discord rose to his feet and grinned sheepishly. "Guilty as charged. I knew today was a special day, so I had Pinkie come down and spice it up a bit."
Chrysalis buried her head in her hooves and wept mournfully. "Oh, Discord, not only were you late, but you forgot what special day it is! Thanksgiving was over a month ago, you cheesebrain!"
Discord pondered this new information for a moment before his eyes lit up. "Oh, that explains the Hearth's Warming Eve Tree I saw in the foyer! Don't worry, Chrys, we have a back-up routine for that too! Pinkie Pie?"
Before Pinkie could warm up her changeling choir for We Wish You a Happy Hearth's Warming, Chrysalis slammed her hoof on the table. "ENOUGH SINGING!" She brought her voice back down and glared at Discord. "Honestly, Dissy-kins. Forgetting our Anniversary? "
Discord looked like he had just been hit in the face with a brick. "Oh....That was today?" he finally said, "I knew today was some kind of special day..."
"Awkward...." coughed Pinkie Pie.
"Are you playing with me, or did you honestly forget?" demanded Chrysalis.
"Err...I honestly forgot....umm.....surprise?"
The green flames in Chrysalis' eyes reflected off the slimy walls of the chamber. "Why you.....self-centered, cloven-hoofed, cheese-headed, sand-licking, grub-snouting, cracker-jacking.....flubbernugger! That's the most evil thing you've ever done to me!"
"On behalf of flubbernuggers everywhere, I resent that," added Discord.
"Oh, shut up and come here, you big, evil hunk of daconequus! Let me show you how evil I can be!" With that, the Queen of the Changelings leapt on Discord and began kissing the flubbernugger out of him.
Sombra, who had been watching jaw agape since "Dissy-kins," finally spoke up. "Umm....I'm lost."
Chrysalis grinned maliciously at her draconequus husband. "Oh Dissy-kins, you sure know how to make a Changeling Queen feel rotten! Go on, say something evil like you do!"
Discord grinned back to his wife. "It's your turn to wash the dishes tonight, dear. Oh, and before you do, make me a sandwich!" He flicked one more grin before Chrysalis was smooching his face again.
"Ugh, get a castle, you two!" said Pinkie disgustedly.
Author's Note
So, what had started as a Thanksgiving story sat in the dusty recesses of my documents folder for a while and was never finished. I brought it back - after missing Thanksgiving by a month or so - and decided to roll with it.
