Garry's Mod Vs. Equestria

by Fussan

Rating: mature
Tags: Dark, Human, Main 6, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Sex, Princess Celestia, Crossover
Length: 96252

A dangerous and violent man gets zapped to Equestria via his computer and magic. Arriving as Applejack, he must try to gain the trust of his captors, the princesses. With his friends, he must try to get back home to safety. Can they do it?

I live a pretty normal life. I hate my job, I don't have anybody I would really say is my friend, my family has long since given up on me, and there have been many nights that I try to drink up the courage to jump off my roof head-first.
But for years, I've fought the urge to kill myself and pass the time doing the only thing that brings me real joy. Playing video games! Yes, I know, I'm pathetic. Shoot me. I play video games to forget the pain that real life brings me. My favorite game? Gmod, or Garry's Mod.
Well, I was playing single player, as per usual. Y'know, just testing out some new add-ons. I'm proud to say that that I have over fifty pages of them, and my computer only dies a few times a week. But this time, when it died, it took me along with it to Hell. At least, I think it's Hell. Because after my world got the "Blue Screen of Death" I ended up laying flat on my backside in a castle full of talking ponies. One of these ponies, Celestia I think, doesn't exactly like the fact that I seem to be masquerading around as her subject, Applejack. In fact she's so upset with the fact that I'm the new Applejack she sees fit to zap me into unconsciousness before I can actually fully understand what's going on. She's so nice...
But now I need to convince all of the ponies that I'm really an alien that got sucked here through my computer while I was trying to kill some of them, not some kind of body snatcher. Hmm, that sounded better in my head. Anyways, now I have to make, ugh, friends with them until I can get home. Yay...
Oh, and did I mention they have absolutely no concept of sin? Ooh, this is going to be fun...
*Insert_Evil_Laughter_#7.wav*

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN GMOD, ANY OF THE MODS I INCLUDED, OR MLP:FIM!!! DON'T SUE ME!!!!!!!!
What I do own is a computer that gets me 3 FPS on Big City and fingers. What do we get when I mix the two? Shameful por- Er... I mean, a strange story about a video game you've never heard of and ponies! Yay!
Also, the picture is just the Gmod symbol, not a work of art by me.
There will be no real sex in this story, as I don't like writing it, but since it will be strongly suggested and there will be many sex jokes I'm throwing the tag on here.
EDIT: There is sex, but you will be warned in the beginning of the chapter.

Published 2014-01-09 01:20:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-17 20:48:36 UTC

Love That Flag...

Something was jabbing me in the side. More than that, I seemed to be laying on cold metal. I gave it a sniff and could smell iron. This was strange, as nobody really used iron for a lot of things anymore. At least, not pure iron.

But back on topic.

The thing jabbing me felt like a hoof, and it went from my shoulder to my side. Then stuck me again, right in the ribs.

I swatted it away with my own hoof, feeling rather annoyed that somebody was touching me. "Stop touching me, you prick," I mumbled. I mumbled this because for some reason I couldn't really feel my face. Or my body, or anything really. Then I remembered that my friends and I were viciously attacked by a crazy pony straight from a death metal album cover.

"Hey, she's awake!" said a loud- and obnoxious- voice close to my head.

I rose my head as best I could and blinked a few times to clear my eyes. As far as I could tell, I seemed to be in some kind of metal cage, within a cell, within a large padded room. Great... "I'm a man, you idiot." Really, can't they tell- oh wait, I was still a pony... Right...

A pink blur came in to view as my eyes cleared. It seemed to be wearing a wide smile and had bright blue eyes, but I couldn't tell much else besides that. "But you look like Applejack, and she's a she! So you must be a she too!" it yelled.

I glared at it an- "Ow! What the hell is wrong with you?!" I yelled, holding my hooves over my watering eye. "Why would you stick your hoof in my eye?! Are you fucking stupid?!"

The pony shrank back from me as I yelled. "Oh, I'm sorry. I was just trying to show you that you had Applejack's eyes, since you were using them."

I slammed my hoof against the bars, scaring her farther away from me. "You could have used a mirror, dumbass!"

"Hey!" yelled another voice

I swiveled my head around to see who had spoken to see a light blue pony with rainbow hair and wings.

She got right up against the bars and her wings were flittering around in anger. "Don't you go yelling a-"

"Ahahahahahaa!" I fell back on my backside and laughed loudly. When I got my breath back, I pointed my hoof at her and spoke. "You're a Gay Pride flag! A living Gay Pride flag! Ahaahaahaaa!"

It took her a second before she realized I was making fun of her, and when she did her head turn a slightly more red color as she looked at me with so much anger I could feel it. "I'm not a lesbian!" she screamed at me, shaking the cage with her hooves.

I laughed even more from her anger. "Sure, whatever you say Butch. I believe you."

Laughter from above me could be heard.

I looked up to see both of my friends in cages of their own hanging from the ceiling. But before I could call out to them, a voice made itself heard.

"Enough!" shouted a familiar voice.

Not even trying to contain my snickering, I watched as the big murder pony from before came up to my cage. "Howdy there," I greeted as she came withing a hoof's reach.

She was glaring at me coldly. "I do not know what kind of Changeling magic you are using, but I can assure you, you will be feeding from nopony in Equestria."

I blinked at her, not really sure what she was talking about. "What?"

Her glare intensified. "I know that you must be some kind of failed experiment from Chrysalis. How you were able to avoid my spells, I do not know. But I do know that you will answer my questions."

I pointed to the rainbow pony. "Why do you have a pet lesbian?"

I could hear her growling at me, but Celestia didn't take the bait I offered.

Celestia stepped closer to my cage. "What is your name?" she asked sternly.

I snorted. "Just call me the Doctor," I said in my best impression of the eleventh Doctor. Somehow, she didn't buy it.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, again, very sternly.

I shrugged my pony shoulders. "I have no fucking clue. One minute I was trying to save my game, then I was landing on my ass in that big room."

She raised a brow at me. "Your game?"

I nodded. "Yeah. You know, a game? Like Battlefield 4? CS:S? ArmA?"

She furrowed her brow. "I have never heard of any kind of games by those names. Especially 'Battlefield 4'. Tell me, what is that?"

I snorted. "It's exactly like it sounds: a battlefield. The whole game is just going around and killing everybody else. It can be pretty fun if you know how to play, but my computer can't run it."

"You kill ponies as a game? For fun?" she asked in a dangerous tone.

I shook my head. "No. We kill people. The same people I am, not stupid little ponies. If we had hooves we wouldn't be able to pull off head shots very well, now could we?"

The confusion was cleared off of her face and replaced by that familiar glare. "You're a Changeling, aren't you? You have hooves just like ponies do."

I rolled my eyes. "No, I'm not a Changeling thing. I'm a Shape Shifter at best."

Aaand the confusion was back. "A Shape Shifter? I fail to see the difference between that and a Changeling. Tell me, what does a Shape Shifter do?"

I leaned forward close to the bars. "We come in the night and steal away your children. Our Dark Lord bids us to feast upon their flesh, and sacrifice their virgin souls to Him. The more souls we gather, the more powerful we become."

Her eyes widened. "And how many have you taken?"

I pressed my face against the bars, running my tongue along my teeth. "Hundreds... I've been doing this for nearly eight hundred years, and still the flesh of youth brings me joy. It is truly a life worth living."

Her eyes were wide as she took in what I said. It wasn't until my friends both broke up in laughter that she realized I was screwing with her. "That isn't something to joke about."

I chuckled darkly. "Maybe to you it's not, but I find it fucking hilarious." I looked at her seriously. "But anyways, as much as I liked this, I would like it even more if you could send me home. Oh, them too," I said as I pointed up with a hoof.

The glare was replaced with a tired sort of look. "As much as I would like to, the portal you came through vanished some time ago. I have no idea where you came from or what you are, so I have no way of recreating your portal."

I would have punched her in the face if I could have. "You're joking, right? Please tell me you're joking."

She gave me a cold look. "I wish I was. But as it stands, you cannot return home, and I refuse to let you loose in my castle."

I scowled at her. "Well what the hell are we supposed to do until we can go home?! It's not like I brought any cards to play Solitaire to pass the time!"

She let a ghost of a smile touch her lips. "I was planning to let a few of my subjects keep you company while you wait."

I looked past her and saw six other ponies, all of them wary of me. I looked back at her. "No, I can't go home yet, that was the real part. This is the fucking joke. This is the joke, right?"

***

"For the last time, Pinkie, I'm a man!" I swear, that screwy pink horse was going to give me a heart attack. "It doesn't matter if I look like Applejack! I'm a man that took her model! A man! Male! I have a cock, not a cunt!"

The white one I came to call whinny McComplains-A-Lot scoffed at me. "Please! If you were truly a gentlecolt, you would know not to use that kind of language around a lady!"

I turned my glare to her. "You aren't a lady, you're an animal! A farm animal used for making glue and dog food!"

The rainbow one got in my face. At least, as best she could with bars in the way. Her name was Rainbow Dash, but I just called her Butch. "Hey, watch what you say to my friends buddy! Just because you're in that cage doesn't mean I can't kick your flank!"

I showed my teeth to her. "Go ahead Butch. Come in my cage and try to fight me. I'll show you exactly what'll happen if you do."

Applejack- the real one- came up and pulled Butch away by her tail. "C'mon sugar cube, he ain't worth the trouble."

I laughed. "Yeah butch, listen to your girlfriend! Just because I look like her doesn't mean I'm into you!"

Now both of them were at my cage, screaming at me to shut my mouth or threatening to cause me physical harm.

I waved my hoof at them. "Yeah, yeah, keep screaming. I'm sure the planet's oxygen supply'll keep you going for another few hours at this rate."

"This doesn't make any sense..."

I looked to Twilight Sparkle. Or, as I like to call her, Edward. "What are you mumbling about Edward? Did you figure out that Bella really doesn't love you?"

She gave me a quick glare before she returned to an inquisitive face, studying me with a mixture of tools she had brought with her from... somewhere. "Changelings are supposed to feed off of the love of others, yet all you do is cause everypony to hate you. The more anger you cause, the more active you are." She rubbed her chin with her hoof. "Are you some new breed of Changeling? One that learned to feed off of negative emotions?"

I rolled my eyes. "I already told you, I'm not a Changeling. I'm a Human. I'm a Human man that looks like a female pony impersonating another female pony on another planet with the same voice of when I was Human. Is it really that hard to understand?"

She looked back at her notes- her literal pile of them- and went back to humming in thought to herself.

I shook my head. "Do Changelings really feed on love?" I asked her.

She nodded without looking at me.

I shook my head tiredly. "Wow, no wonder you hate them. There must be like, hundreds of rape reports every year involving Changelings."

She snapped her attention back to me, wearing a disgusted look. "No! They feed on the love somepony feels for another pony that they're impersonating!"

I snorted. "Wow, that's fucking gay. How could you look at yourself in the mirror knowing that you have to love everything to live? I think I'd rather die."

Pinkie zoomed up to the bars, knocking Butch and Selfie- Applejack- away. "I love everything!"

I waved my hoof at her. "Yeah, but you're stupid." I looked at Edward again. "Say, why is rape so nasty to you? If they screw somebody that their host normally does, isn't that rape?"

She gave me another disgusted look. "No! There has never been a raping in Equestria! Ever! Doing something like that is... It's just wrong!"

I laughed. "Doesn't stop it from happening where I come from. Hell, that makes it more fun."

She looked at me in horror.

I tilted my head to the side. "Wait, you said it never happened before? Then how do you have a word for it? Isn't it impossible for something that doesn't exist to have a name?"

She looked away from me. "Just because it never happened before- and never will- the idea is still there. And in the absolutely zero percent chance that it ever does happen, we needed to know what it is. So Celestia and Luna came up with the word."

I let out a bark of laughter. "And it doesn't strike you as odd that they came up with it? The idea, and the word?"

She looked confused at this. "What do you mean?"

I chuckled darkly. "Isn't it odd that the ones who thought up the idea of fucking somebody who didn't want to go along with it and named it, also have the power to- Oh, I don't know, say for instance, remove any reports, evidence, and witnesses without anybody questioning them because of who they are? I mean, I think that's pretty convenient, but what do I know? I'm only the embodiment of dark and evil things. It's not like I could possibly see an opportunity for an abuse of powers like that. Oh no, certainly not."

Twilight took on a defensive look. "The princesses would never do that! They love all of their subjects and would never hurt them!"

I looked her in the eye. "Yes, I'm sure they show their love plenty. Tell me, what would happen if somebody were to accuse them of rape?"

Twilight took on a proud look. "A traitor would be sent to the dungeons."

I nodded. "Uh huh. And why would they be a traitor?"

Twilight looked at me smugly. "Because they have the nerve to accuse the princesses of something so horrible."

I nodded again. "Yeah, that's what I thought. And, say on the off chance that they did do that. What would happen to the pony?"

She looked angry. "They would nev-"

I held up a hoof. "Answer the question."

She gave me a cold look. "They would be held on trial so see if they were telling the truth."

I shook my head slowly. "No... You just said that if anybody said that they did that, they would be sent to the dungeons. So, you're sent to the dungeons. Would anybody try to find evidence to free you, or would they drop it?"

Twilight's hard look seemed to be cracking. "Uh, well no. The only ponies that would look in to royal affairs would be the two princesses."

I raised my brow at her. "And they would be so quick to admit to sexually assaulting one of their subjects. Yeah, I'm so sure."

Twilight bit her lip and looked away. "It would never happen. But... It does sound pretty bad when you say it like that..."

The door to the room opened and Celestia and a blue one walked in. Probably Luna. They strode up to me and leveled me with a glare. "You will stop poisoning my protege's head with your lies," Celestia said.

I scowled at her. "Pretty convenient that you happened to be within earshot of that." I looked at Twilight. "Eh, Edward?"

She looked away without saying anything.

I looked back to the two horsey rulers in front of my cage. "Are you here to let me out yet? Can I go home?"

The blue one shook her head. "No creature, you may not leave yet."

I scowled at her. "I 'may' do whatever the fuck I want. But the problem is that I 'can' not go home."

She glared at me even harder. "You will watch your tongue when speaking to us!"

I snorted a laugh. "I can't watch my tongue, it's inside my mouth."

"We can fix that," she threatened.

I leaned closer to her in my cage. "I'd like to see you try, bitch. Or will you try to rape me to death? Sorry to disappoint, but I don't fancy fucking a farmer's horse."

If this was an anime, a lightening bolt would have zapped between our eyes.

Celestia cleared her throat and lit up her horn. The two cages containing my friends were lowered down to my level. "Now, I came here to apologize for our first encounter. I would appreciate it if you and my sister could get along until I finished."

I rolled my hoof at her to go on.

She cleared her throat. "I-"

"Boring!" I yelled loudly. "You aren't forgiven. In fact, as long as I'm in this cage, every second that goes by is another reason to kill you. Very violently."

She used my own scowl on me. "If you tried, you would be stopped before you even did any damage."

I looked her in the eye. "Then I'll just have to kill everybody you hold dear. They won't fight me if I say that it was an order straight from you."

She deepened her scowl at me. "We are getting nowhere with this arguing. If you would just be reasonable, I could let you out and we could work together in finding you a way home."

"I could be reasonable, yes. But if I do everything you say, then I'd be giving up my freedom as an American. 'MURICA!!!" I added a hoof pump to that last part.

She sighed. "I'll make you a deal."

I crossed my hooves over my chest and leaned back against the bars. "I'm listening..."

"My sister and I will forgive you for everything up to this point, and will help you return home. But only if you stop antagonizing everypony around you. Deal?"

I held up a hoof. "Okay, how about this? Both of you can keep on hating me, and still get me and my compadres home. And I keep antagonizing everybody around me until we do get home. Deal?"

She shook her head. "We are not negotiating."

I snorted at her, spraying mucus on the bars and causing her to back up. "Who died and made you dictator? How about this one then. Both of you can apologize, and I keep on hating everybody around me. I'll keep being an ass, but I'll tone it down to the point of you not wanting to jump out of a window while you find me a way home. Deal?"

She didn't look happy.

I shrugged. "If I stay here for the rest of my life I'll just have more time to make everybody around me miserable. Really, it's a win-win for me either way."

Celestia sighed and rubbed the side of her head with a hoof. "Fine. We have a deal, but only if you tone it down."

I nodded and looked to Rainbow Dash. "I apologize for calling you a lesbian."

She smiled at me. "Don't worry about."

I nodded at her. "I'm glad that you forgive me. I would hate to have somebody as manly as you coming after me Butch."

She looked like she was ready to tear me head off.

Celestia glared at me again.

I shrugged. "I said I was sorry. Baby steps."

Author's Note

But really, has nobody else ever thought that Rainbow Dash was a Gay Pride flag? She acts like a dude and has the right coloring. Nobody? Somebody?

The Elements Of Love...

The castle was actually pretty cozy. Well, once I got past the hanging in cages thing. Oh, and the hundreds of guards all looking like they want nothing more than to beat me senseless. And that the ponies I was with wouldn't shut up. And that my friends seemed to enjoy me feeling like strangling the pink one with broken glass glued to my hands. Plus I was being eyeballed by the princesses rather oddly. Add to that I was still rather frazzled from being molested by lightening. And to top if off, I was still a female pony. So yeah, once I got over all of that, I could really see the appeal of living like this.

"So, what kind of property taxes do you pay on a plot of land like this?" I asked.

"We do not pay taxes, as we are royalty," Luna said rather snootily.

I scoffed. "Figures. You don't need to pay taxes, but you sure do like collecting taxes from all of your pretty little pawns. How do you even sleep at night?" I hissed at her.

She glared at me from her large, jewel-encrusted, silver, large, regal, huge throne.

Celestia- sitting on a throne with the previous description except gold for silver- sighed again. "I thought you said you would stop being difficult. How are we to help you if you try to start a fight every five minutes?"

I raised my hoof to my face. "Really? I could have sworn it's been a good eight minutes at least. Damn watch must be broken."

She ignored my comment, much to my annoyance. "So, you were attempting to hold a ritual involving Twilight and a species of alien that is not your own. What was this ritual?"

I groaned. "I already told you! I was trying to sacrifice Edward to the alien so I could live longer. Really, is it that hard to get?" I shook my head at her in disappointment. "And here I was thinking you were supposed to be smart..."

"Why were you trying to sacrifice me?" Twilight asked me.

I growled in anger at her. "Because you have a stupid name! I find it very offensive!" I shouted at her, causing her to take a few steps away from me.

"What did I tell you...?" Celestia warned.

I yelled in frustration. "God, why must all of you stupid talking ponies be mentally retarded?! Really?! I've repeated myself four times now, and you've done nothing with the information I've given you!" I pointed at Serpent. "You tell them what you were doing! You must have done it, or something."

Serpent put on his "thinking" face and hummed in thought. "Well, I was on top of the helipad just about to snipe some dude. Then right before I pulled the trigger my computer blue screened. But then it turned purple, just like your's did, and when I tried to shut it off I was sucked in."

I sighed as I thought about what he said. Nothing really different then his normal day on the server, but maybe it was a problem with the coding and it mixed with some kind of alien signal. "Well... what were you using? Was it some kind of weird coded weapon, or some strange gun?" I asked with a frown.

He shook his head. "Nope. Just my usual Barret M98B. I-" But he was cut off as his favorite sniper rifle appeared in his hands.

Everybody in the room stared at the weapon for a long time without so much as blinking.

I broke the silence. "That's fucking tops... How did you do that?"

He lifted the rifle up to his shoulder, looking down the scope at Celestia. "I just... thought of myself holding the gun."

I shut my eyes and pictured holding one of my favorite weapons. A second later I heard the sound of a lightsaber igniting. I looked to my hooves and saw a lightsaber with a black blade surrounded by a white aura. "Fucking metal..."

Viking yelled in triumph, drawing everybody's attention. He was holding a Davy Crocket. "This is fuckin' awesome!" he yelled.

I shook my head. "Oh hell no," I said as I thought up a Desert Eagle. I pointed it at him and fired the gun.

Viking let out a short yelp, then his head literally exploded in a gory mess of brain matter and blood. It's safe to say his head painted at least a good twenty feet of wall and floor before his body hit the ground. When he did land, even more of the floor was coated in warm, red, life juice.

Everybody looked at me in shook.

"What the hell is wrong with you?!" Serpent screamed at me.

I shrugged. "He's not important to me getting home. And besides, do you really want somebody like him running around with a shoulder-mounted nuke?"

He looked at me with an unbelieving expression. "W- how did- what...?"

I looked at the gun in my hoof. "How the hell did I even pull the trigger? I don't have fingers!" Just then, an idea struck me. As the pieces came together, I closed my eyes to picture it in my head. "The backpack... The glasses... The turban..." My eyes snapped open and I looked down at my hands. "Fuck yeah! Ain't no pony no more, bitches! I'm a fucking bandit!"

"You asshole!"

I looked to the corpse of Viking to see him pop back up with an angry glare on his face. He was holding a shotgun.

He pumped it, loading a shell in to the barrel. "That fuckin' hurt, you dick!" He fired the gun.

I felt my chest get torn to pieces as the buckshot went through me. It was a quick death. Painful, but quick. I heard the familiar "BEEP BEEP BEEEEeeeeeeee..." I've come to associate with death in Gmod. Then as I willed it, I was standing back up and pointing an M249 at Viking's head. "It's on now, motherfucker! Eat bullets, BITCHES!!!!!!!"

***

As I pulled my machete out of Serpent's head, I contemplated how hellish this really was. Never being able to die... Locked in an eternal battle... Forever doomed to slaughter my friends as they try to do the same to me... Just weird shit like that.

Then I went akimbo EX41 grenade launchers and turned Viking into a pile of red mush. Twice!

I felt a searing pain in my leg and turned to fire directly into Serpent's face with my grenade launchers. Unfortunately for me, he was about two feet away and we both were blown to tiny red chunks. "You cheating little fuck!" I yelled as I respawned with a vial of nerve gas in my hand. I tossed it at Serpent and pulled out my MP7 and fired a dozen rounds into Viking's chest.

I used my grappling hook to get to a higher point on the castle through the hole in the ceiling, as this room was completely destroyed now. Just like the other hundred or so we've been to.

I pulled out my M82 and put a bullet in Serpent's head, but Viking's RPG got me.

I felt my little chunks tumble around for a few seconds as I waited for Serpent to kill Viking with a Tech-9, then I respawned and stuck a sticky bomb to the side of his leg.

He looked down at the little blue device. "Oh for-" And then half of his body painted the surrounding area, with the other half smacking wetly into the far wall and exploding into a shower of beautiful gore.

I laughed loudly until a bullet went through the back of my neck, severing my spine. God damn it...

Respawning, I found both of my friends pointing miniguns at me. "Oh fuck you." And then I turned into mist.

I came back with two satchels of C4. I set them both to five seconds and threw them at my friends. I stuck Serpent, but missed Viking. It didn't matter though, we all got turned into paste.

I came back first and pulled out a TAR-21. As I ran away, I fired shots into Viking and Serpent, killing the former and injuring the latter. "God damn piece of shit," I swore as I threw it away in favor of my good ol' AK-47. With my AK, I tore through them a combined total of seven times before I had to reload once. Then I did it again, with a higher kill count.

I ducked behind a wall as Viking's torso was thrown over it, caused by Serpent's proximity mine.

And then I heard it. Radio static with an only somewhat audible voice.

I looked up to see the blue beams connecting directly above me through the- lack of- ceiling. The little red laser was dead center on my forehead. "You fucking idiot!"

And then everything was turned into dust.

***

As I lay on the cot, I couldn't help but think how awful that idea was. A fucking Orbital Strike? Oh God Serpent, I hate you so much... I'm going to shove a sword up your ass after this...

I couldn't talk due to the dozens of bandages around my head. But that sure didn't stop me from shooting Serpent dirty looks from across the hospital room.

Apparently, even though we're immortal, we still feel the pain of everything that kills us. And let me just say, taking an Orbital Strike to the face hurts like a bitch. Even more than that time I zipped my dick up in my pants when I was a kid. And that fucking hurt.

"I still have trouble believing what I saw..." Celestia mumbled from the side of the room.

Luna seemed to be in a state of shock, and couldn't form any words. So she just nodded slowly.

I tried to speak words, but instead spoke mumbles. "Ghmh hamhm uhh hoomd hmrssm!"

Celestia looked at me with a haunted expression. "What was that?"

"Ghmh hamhm uhh hoomd hmrssm! Ehh hugihm hehh uhh!"

She lit up her horn and I could feel the bandages coming loose. "Once more. What did you say?" she asked.

I scowled at her so hard my normal scowl would be frightened. "I said go away you stupid horse! I fucking hate you!"

She glared at me, but it didn't have her heart in it. "Are you always this unpleasant?" she asked bitterly.

"Nope, not always. Sometimes I'm in a bad mood," I said just as bitterly.

She sighed again and shook her head. "It will take me days to repair the damage you three have caused. And that's including my reserves of energy." She shook her head again. "I don't think you can stay here any longer..."

I tried to snort, but my face hurt too much. "Well then, I have a solution. Send me the fuck home!" I yelled.

She glared at me and strode over to my cot, leaving her sister to remain sitting in open-mouthed shock near the door. "You know I can't right now. Be patient, and you and your friends will return home in time."

I sighed and put my head back against my blocky hospital pillow. "I hate waiting. And where the hell are we supposed to stay now that you're kicking us out? It's not like I brought my checkbook to reserve a room at a hotel or anything!"

"Do you know what the Elements of Harmony are?" she asked me.

"Are they as gay as they sound?" I asked her sarcastically.

She glared even harder at me. "They are ancient magical artifacts used to fight dark and evil. They belong to Twilight and her five friends."

I rolled my eyes. "You could have just said yes, y'know."

She continued on, undeterred. "If I tell my protege, Twilight, to use them on you, she will. And while you spend eternity encased in stone, you can think about how much of a horrible person you are."

I put on a thinking face. "So, what you're saying is... All I have to do is kill Twilight and her friends and I can do whatever I want? Awesome! I know what I'm doing as soon as these painkillers kick in!"

She gave me a very cold look. "I cannot tell if you're being sarcastic, or being truthful. But know that if you harm any of my little ponies while you're here, you will suffer. Greatly," she said as she was almost in kissing range.

I forced myself up from my cot and scowled at her as hard as I could. "I'd like to see you try to kill me."

An emotionless smile played at her lips. "I don't need to kill you," she said as she looked at Viking and Serpent. She looked back to me. "I just need to make you learn your lesson."

I scoffed. "Go ahead. See if I care what you do to them. They're buddies at best, not actual friends."

We traded dirty looked for a good few minutes before she broke away. "I'm sending you three to Ponyville to be watched over by Twilight Sparkle. She'll not hesitate to use the Elements of Harmony against you if anything happens while you're there."

I snorted a laugh and pushed myself up from the cot. "Yeah, she can try to kill me all she wants. But we don't die so easily from where we come from, your Hineyness."

She walked away without paying me any mind, gathering her sister on the way out the door. "We shall see."

"Dis dick!" I yelled at her.

I almost broke out laughing when she tripped over her own hooves and fell flat on her face.

Trains Are Lovely...

"So, what kind of functionality does your clothing provide?" Twilight asked me.

I bit back a snarky comment. "So nobody can see my face when I murder their children," I replied angrily. Yep, better than snarky in so many ways.

Twilight recoiled in shock and nearly fell off of the train seat. Unluckily, her friends were there so save her from falling.

Oh yes, we decided to take a train to Ponyville instead of using those cool flying carts. Why? I have no idea. But at the very least we got an entire car to ourselves. It wasn't very large, but it was cozy. The red little seats were very plush.

I shook my head and looked out the window at the passing landscape. Stupid fucking ponies. Instead of getting me home they decided to send me on a road trip. Stupid, miserable, ugly, putrid, hateful-

The lesbipony was standing up and shouting something at me. For some reason, I couldn't hear her. I could only hear music.

I lifted my hands up and felt a pair of headphones resting over my ears, a song from MSI playing loudly and drowning out the world. I could feel the ghost of a smile touch my lips. I always liked music. It made me feel so good when I was angry...

I felt the headphones being lifted off my head and was welcomed with the dike-y voice of Butch screaming at me.

"-can't just go around saying things like that you idiot! Why do you have to be such a jerk?! Why can't you just get along with everypony else?! Huh?! Is it so hard to be nice?!"

I leveled a .357 Magnum at her head and stared at her through my Ray Bans. "Yes actually, it is hard to be nice to people. Being nice means that I have to try to be social. When I try to talk with people, all everybody does is talk about themselves and their problems. You think I want to listen to that? You think I care? This is what I think about being nice to people." I put the gun under my chin and fired, splattering my brains all over the wall and my friends who were sitting next to me. A second later I came back scowling at the ponies, though they couldn't see it through my head wrap.

I snatched my headphones away from Twilight and put them back on. That's when I noticed the yellow one crying into her hair. "Hey," I called to her. "What's wrong with you?"

She flinched away from me at my question, making a whimpering noise similar to a scared animal.

I narrowed my eyes at her. "Are you going to answer or not?! It's rude not to answer a question y'know!"

Butch was in my face again screaming. "Don't you dare yelled at Fluttershy! I'll-" The back of my hand silenced her, making a loud slapping sound in the train car.

She took a step back with her hoof on her reddening cheek. "Y- you..." She fell back on her butt and just stared blankly at me.

I looked back to the yellow one, Fluttershy. I saw that she was staring at me with a furious expression.

"How dare you..." she whispered.

I pointed to myself. "How dare I?"

She rose from her seat and quickly got in my face. "How dare you!" she yelled loudly. Louder than I'd expect her to, actually.

I raised an eyebrow at her.

She pressed her forehead against mine, getting as close to me as possible. "Just because you're big and mean and scary, doesn't mean that you can hit my friends! You may be angry, and can blow up buildings and fight people, but you will. Not. Hurt. My. Friends! Do you understand me?"

"So, I can hurt everybody but your friends? Got it," I said with no small amount of sarcasm in my voice.

She tried to push her head forward but couldn't. Then she did something I have never seen before. She stared in me. Like, in me. I could actually feel her staring inside of my mind and body. I would say she was staring into my soul, but I've long since lost that. "You won't hurt anypony, ever," she said firmly. "Do you understand me?"

As the seconds of our staring contest ticked by, I could feel her stare penetrate deeper and deeper into my being. It was really weird, like if something solid, but still not physical, was slowly stabbing through me.

I put my hand over her eyes, breaking the feeling. "Stop that," I said angrily.

She used her wings to flitter backwards, standing right in front of her friends. They were all wearing shocked expressions. "You... You resisted The Stare... How did you...?"

I looked to my side and saw my friends both rubbing their eyes and shaking their heads. I looked back to her. "The Stare? Honestly, a little yellow pegasus pony with a flowing pink mane and tail speaking with a voice of an angel is cute, not scary."

Everybody looked at me like I lost my mind.

I smacked my lips a few times. "Did I say that out loud? Weird, I never say things like that unless I'm RPing a situation that calls for it." I looked at Fluttershy. "Ignore what I just said. You weren't suppose to hear that."

She blushed heavily and hid behind her mane. I swear, I could see her smiling.

"Oooohh~" Rarity cooed. "It seems that we may have another Discord situation on our hooves."

Butch and Selfie chuckled and... Hmm, I don't seem to have a stupid name for Pinkie. Eh, her name is stupid enough as it is. Well, Pinkie giggled to herself.

I raised a brow and looked at my friends. "Do you know what they're talking about?"

They both just shrugged.

I looked to the ponies. "What the hell is a 'Discord situation'? Is it something that requires me to blow up the Sun, because I can do that. Oh yes... I can do that..." I pictured the Sun shattering, and it was beautiful.

Edward spoke up, shushing the giggles. "Discord was recently rehabilitated, and Fluttershy was the only reason he was. If it wasn't for her, we would probably have had to seal him in stone again."

I scowled. "And what the fuck makes you judge, jury, and executioner?" I growled at her.

She frowned at me heavily. "Discord is the god of chaos and disharmony. If he were to run free, Equestria as we know it would cease to exist!"

I snorted. "Sounds like a decent enough bloke to me."

She groaned. "Of course he would sound good to you! You said yourself you were evil!"

I nodded at her and struck a heroic pose as best I could while sitting. "And I stand up proudly by that fact! If there is ever a problem, call me in to make it worse! And if there's not a problem, call me anyways, I'll make one for you! Then you can call me again in a few days so I can make it worse! Unsatisfaction guaranteed!"

My friends both laughed at this.

"It's true," Serpent told them. "He really does make every situation worse. He's the only person I know that can take a good thing and turn it bad in a matter of seconds without even trying."

They all gave uncertain looks to him.

I patted him on the back. "Thanks for standing up for me buddy."

He nodded at me. "Anytime-" My fist cut him off before he could finished the first letter of my name.

I punched him in the face, stopping his words. Then I punched him again to make sure he would stay quiet. "Don't tell them my name, dumbass!" I hissed at him.

He rubbed his jaw, cracking it back in place. "Geez, you didn't have to hit me!"

I shook my head angrily. "No, I didn't have to hit you. But I did," I said as I leaned back in my seat. I saw all of my equine acquaintances staring at me oddly. "What?!" I shouted.

"What's wrong with yer name?" Selfie asked. You know what, I'm not her anymore, so Hick's her new name.

I scowled at her. "Nothing's wrong with my name! I have a great name. I should, because I picked it myself."

Hick tilted her head at me. "Ya picked it yerself? Don't yer parents name y'all when yer born?"

I felt my hand become a fist of its own accord. "Yes, my stupid, fucking, good-for-nothing, asshole family named me when I was born. I picked a new name years ago though. Okay?!"

She frowned. "Why? Don't ya-"

I didn't even feel myself doing it, but I lunged forward and punched her right in the face, knocking her out of her seat. I stood over her, feeling like fire was dancing on my skin. "MY NAME IS MINE!!!! I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU FUCKING SAY!!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!"

It was like my body went on autopilot. I walked out of the train car and into the next one, scaring a dozen ponies and kicking one of them out of my way like a football. The next car was the same: Scare a pony, kick a pony, next car. Rinse and repeat. Eventually though, I ran out of cars and ended up looking at a grassy field from the caboose. Only a small railing was stopping me from jumping off the train.

I left the door open, so I could hear the hooves clearly. "Go away!"

The door closed, and I knew they were standing behind me.

"What's wrong with you?!" Edward yelled.

I could fell my fist shaking. "I swear to God, I'll fucking kill you all. I'll burn this planet in nuclear fire and turn it to glass. You'd better leave me the fuck alone!"

I felt a hoof on my back. Ponies aren't that tall... I turned around and saw Fluttershy hovering high enough to be on eye level with me. I scowled. "Is there a reason you don't listen, or are you just deaf?" I growled at her.

She tried to smile at me. "I know you're in a stressful situation, but you can't hit everypony that makes you angry."

I scowled at her. "Why not? It makes me feel better."

She tried even harder to smile. "I know what a scared animal looks like, and I know that all you need is some care and understanding. All you have to do is let us take care of you three until you go back home, and everything will be all right." She was speaking like I was a timid child.

I took a threatening step forward, making her backpedal in the air. "I'm a scared animal? Well, you should know that when you corner a scared animal that it'll fight to its last breath to save itself. And right now, I'm feeling pretty fucking cornered."

I saw Edward start to creep forward, a small glow coming from her horn. "Leave!" I shouted at her.

She glared at me. "I'm not leaving you alone with any of my friends! Especially Fluttershy!"

I summoned up a Mossberg shotgun and leveled it at Fluttershy. "Leave, or I make a hole in her chest the size of a watermelon."

She frantically looked between the two of us.

Fluttershy rested her hoof on the barrel of my gun, never taking her eyes off of mine. "It's okay Twilight. You can go, I'll be fine."

Edward slowly backed away, opening the door and retreating into the car.

Fluttershy slowly floated away from me and slid the door closed. She then came back to hover right in front of me. "Do you still feel cornered?"

I put away the shotgun and sighed. "Not as much, but I still hate everything around me," I said flatly.

She nodded slowly. "Why did you hit Applejack? Do you not like talking about you name?"

I leaned against the rail and crossed my arms over my chest. "No, I don't. And to stop your next few questions, I don't like my family, I don't have any real friends, I don't have any kind of relationship, and I've been living alone like this for the last decade or so."

Her forced smile turned into a frown. "You don't have anypony? No family? A marefriend? No real friends?"

I shook my head. Nope. I-" but then I realized something. I scowled at her and got in her face. "Why the fuck are you asking me these questions?! You don't fucking care! You just got done threatening me!" I grabbed her by the neck and pinned her to the door of the caboose.

She squeaked and started to whimper and cry.

I got close enough to touch foreheads. "I'm not some little fucking lost rabbit you can psychoanalyze," I growled menacingly at her. "I'm a grown man stuck in this cartoony world of talking ponies, and I'm angry. If you try to get in my way of getting home, I'll tear you apart starting from the inside. So don't you ever fucking try to screw with me again, or I'll turn you into a decorative rug at my doorstep."

I let her go and opened the door, kicking her out of the way with the tip of my boot.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

I stopped where I was, half-way through the door.

She slowly stood up. "I didn't mean to make things worse for you. I'm sorry..." She sniffled. "I just wanted to help you."

I couldn't believe this. I actually felt bad! I felt bad for doing that to her! I've gotten bored of torturing people to death because I've done it so many times before! And here I was feeling bad for this little pony!

I sighed angrily and picked her up off of the ground, tucking her under my arm like a football.

She squeaked and tried to fight me when I did this, but I was stronger than her.

I scowled at myself for doing this. "Before we get back to the other stupid people, I'm going to apologize." Oh God, kill me now! "I was angry and wasn't thinking." Stop! Please, make the pain stop! "I didn't want to hurt you, but I did anyways." I'm dying! "You're better than your friends, seeing as you're the only one that hasn't made me want to rape them with a baseball bat with nails in it." I feel like I'm being shredded to pieces! "So, I guess that makes you best pony, or, something..." The pain... The never-ending pain... "So, I'm s- ughga... I'm so- awaath... I'm sorr- lialiouu... I'm s- sor- orr- rry- OHGODI'MGONNABESICK!!!"

I threw up in my mouth a little, and at my feet a lot. Luckily, Fluttershy was safe tucked under my arm and wasn't harmed by my stomach-to-air missile.

I wiped my mouth with the back of my free hand and opened the last door, entering the train car with the idiots that make me want to stick their heads in a blender. They were all looking at me oddly. "What?!" I yelled at them.

Hick shook her head. "Y'all threw up just from saying 'sorry'? There's somethin' wrong there..."

My eyes narrowed at Edward, whose horn was glowing a soft purple color. "I'm going to anally rape you with your own horn."

Author's Note

This chapter was brought to you by fingers, computers, internet, and the boiling rage inside of me! Yay! Repressed emotions!

Trees Love Me...

"... shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up..."

"You'll love it here in Ponyville! There's sweets and cookies and pie and cake- The Cakes! Oh! I bet they'll want to meet you right away! We can have a super terrific party for you three!"

"... shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up..."

"You can meet all my friends! Lyra, Bon Bon, Colgate, Carrot Top, Derpy, Vinyl, Octavia, Roseluck, Lily, Lotus and Aloe, Cheerilee, Flitter and Cloudchaser"-

"... shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up..."

-"Ivory Scroll, Caramel- Oh, you have so many ponies to meet you won't sleep for a week!"

"Pinkie! Shut the fuck up! I swear to God, you're giving me ear cancer! I am getting cancer of the ear from your stupid, annoying words! For the love of fuck, shut the fuck up!"

Pinkie deflated visibly and put a few more paces between the two if us as we walked down the road of Ponyville. "Oh... I'm sorry..."

I snorted. I seem to be doing a lot of that recently. "Yes, you are."

The townsfolk were staring at us as if we were the most interesting thing in the world while we all walked down the little dirt road, and I could feel my blood beginning to boil. They. Just. Wouldn't. Stop. Staring.

I balled my hand into a fist. "Make them stop staring," I snarled at Fluttershy. She hasn't really left my side since the train, despite me threatening to set her mane on fire.

She looked up at me with her little smile that I've grown to hate so much. "Don't worry, you'll be fine. Just ignore them and they'll go away." She patted my shoulder gently as she glided along side me.

I could feel a headache coming on. "I would rather tear their eyes out. It's just like ignoring them, but fun." I tried to say this in a cheery voice, but the fact that my teeth were pushed together hard enough to smash atoms made this impossible.

She pulled away from me instantly. "Uhm, wouldn't you rather, just, tell them to, um, look away?"

I looked at her with a scowl, still unseen thanks to my head wrap. "Stop being nervous. I'm not going to brutally murder you, just everybody else."

She hid behind her mane and floated a little ways behind me. "Oh, uh, okay..." she mumbled.

I rolled my eyes and kept following the purple one, Edward. "Are we there yet?"

"No," she replied stiffly.

I sighed. "Are we there yet?"

"No."

A small smile started creeping up on me. "Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No!"

"Are we there yet?"

"No!"

"Are we there yet?"

"No!"

"Are-"

"NO! We aren't there yet! We'll get there when we get there! Stop asking!"

I chuckled a little bit. My plan was working perfectly. 3... 2... 1... "Are we there yet?"

Edward let out an ear-piercing shriek and turned to face me. Her mane and tail were sizzling and her nostrils were smoking. "We aren't there yet! If you don't shut the buck up, we'll never get there!"

I raised my hands and looked to my friends. "Look out, we got a badass over here!"

As they snickered Edward shrieked again and used her magic to smack me on the head with a nearby rock. She once again shrieked when the rock went through my head, doing nothing to me. Apparently, anything having to do with magic didn't affect us unless it's electricity based. Serpent told me it had something to do with computer wiring, and electrons, or some techie shit. I just said it was because I had an "electric personality"... Yeah, the important thing was that I found it funny.

I shook my head. "Shit, who stuck a pole up your ass?" Then I put my hands on my chin and nodded slowly. "Oh yeah..."

She lost all of her anger as her cheeks turned a much more red color and she looked away from me, preferring instead to stare at the ground.

I laughed at her openly, not caring that her friends were glaring at me.

Back on the train, I actually tried to live up to my threat. But seeing as I couldn't get her to sit still while I sawed off her horn, I used the next best thing: a rusty metal baseball bat! I didn't get very far because her friends managed to pull me off of her and, uh... free the bat. But what I did do was enough to scare them into not annoying me any more. Now, all I had to annoy me were my idiot friends! Yay!

I felt a hoof prod me in the back, and turning around, I saw Fluttershy giving me a very stern look. I patted her head. "Aw, don't you look all cute n' shit when you're angry?!" I said in a baby voice. Pinching her cheek and making her blush heavily, I booped her in the nose with my not-cheek-pinching hand. "Now Fluttershy," I said, still using my baby voice, "it's not healthy to frown so much. You need to turn that frown upside-down! Like this!"

I pulled my head wrap off to reveal my face and gave a sorrowful frown. Then I put both hands on either side of my head and twisted it so hard my head was almost completely upside-down. "Like that," I mumbled through the ridiculous amounts of blood pouring out of my mouth. Then I fell over on the ground, completely dead.

Then I respawned holding my own head, letting the gallons of blood spew out over everything in a ten foot radius. My head was smiling at them with teeth stained red from the blood. The eyes were also missing and blood was leaking out of the empty sockets, but that was just for effect.

I flashed Fluttershy a smile that a psycho-killer gives a small child. "Just like that," I said in a creepy voice.

The townsfolk screamed bloody murder and took off in every direction. In only a few seconds, the entire town was clear of life besides us.

Fluttershy went pale, Rarity fainted, Pinkie ran away screaming, Applejack and Rainbow both looked horrified, and Twilight threw up a little. Even my friends looked mildly disgusted.

I gave an evil chuckle as I pulled my head wrap back on and tossed the head through the window of a nearby house. Soon after, I heard the screams of children. It made me smile. "Well, I certainly feel good about the rest of the day. How about you guys?"

***

I was sitting in a tree. Like, a living, still-alive, not-dead, tree. For some reason, I felt the urge to throw a Molotov at the wall, just to see what would happen.

I yelled loudly as I twisted my whole body, hearing so many cracks I thought I probably broke something. "So, night is approaching my little ponies! Who am I bunking with?"

Pinkie appeared in front of me. "Oh! Oh! Pick me! Pick meeeee!~"

I pushed her away from me. "Hell no. If I stay with you I'll end up shaving you in your sleep."

Rarity stepped up. "Well, seeing as how I am the element of generosity, I supp-"

"I will tie you to your bed and set your house on fire. I will also steal everything you have. No. No. A thousand times, no." I pushed Viking forward. "Here, you can take him. He's well-behaved for the most part."

Viking gave me a dirty look. "Now hold on here! I don't approve of this! Not one bit!"

I snorted in laughter. "Yes, and I'm sure I'll find it in my icy, dead heart to care eventually. But until then, you're going to be sleeping with this talking pony." I thought for a second. "Okay, that came out wrong..."

Twilight stomped her hoof on the ground to draw our attention. "As long as you're staying here, I'll be deciding where you're going to be sleeping." She pointed to Viking. "Viking, you're going to be staying with Applejack." Next she pointed to Serpent. "Serpent, you'll be staying with Rarity." Then she leveled me with a glare. "And you're staying here, where I can keep an eye on you."

I rose an eyebrow at her. "Just because you said that, I'm not going to do it."

Her glare intensified. "You're going to do it and you're going to like it. Spike already set up a guest room below where I sleep so I can make sure you stay here."

I looked at my friends. "Here, take this," I said to them as I summoned up three iPhone 4's. "We can call each other when we want to meet up in the middle of the night to enact operation: Bomb The Fuck Out Of Everything. Or, operation: Fuck You for short."

They both nodded at me.

"I vill du my bist to insoore victory, my comrade," Viking said in his best Russian accent.

I nodded and put my hand on his shoulder. "Ve du dis for Mother Russia, my brothers. Let us not fail."

After a quick salute to each other, my friends quickly walked out the door.

I turned back to see the ponies giving me odd looks. "Я сожгу ваши города, изнасиловать ваших женщин и поработить своих детей. Вы не выживет приближающуюся бурю."

Applejack and Rarity nearly tripped over each other to get out the door, and the remaining ponies looked very nervous.

I repressed a smile as I stared at Twilight. "I refuse to sleep here."

She groaned. "Why?"

"Uh... hey..."

"Because you're here. Plus, you told me to, so I don't want to," I told her.

"Uhm..."

Twilight groaned again. "So you're doing this just to be defiant? Why?!"

"Um, excuse me..."

I scoffed. "Because I fucking can, bitch. If you want to stop me, go ahead and try. Then I'll have free range to kill you in the name of self-defense."

"Excuse me..."

She let out an almost feral growl. "Why are you so mean all the time?! Were you dropped on your head when you were younger?!"

"Twilight..."

I scowled. "Actually, my skull was split open by a piece of sheet metal and it minced parts of my brain, smart ass. So no, I wasn't dropped on my head."

She blinked. "You... what?"

I waved my hand at her dismissively. "Fuck you. That's what. Fuck you. I'm going to find a nice house to break in to and sleep there. I hope you die in your sleep."

A hoof touched me.

I reflexively sent my fist flying at whatever it was. Just before I hit something butter yellow, I forced my hand to stop.

Fluttershy flinched away from my fist, it only being inches away from her face.

I pulled my hand back and scowled at her. "Future advice: don't touch me when I'm pissed. It'll end badly for you." I put my hand on her head and rubbed her a little. I found it to be... strangely calming.

She looked like she enjoyed me rubbing her head. "Uhm, I was just wondering if you'd like to, well, sleep at my cottage. If, that's okay with you of course." She started flapping her wings a little harder to get my hand further into her mane and fluttered her eyelids. "I would be... happy to... have... you..." She trailed off, a blissful smile gracing her lips.

I nodded slowly, losing myself a little. Something about rubbing her head just... felt... good...

And then my face hit the floor.

Tender Loving Care...

I sat on Fluttershy's small couch with a piece of tissue stuffed up my nose holes to stop the bleeding. I wanted to set myself on fire, but she made me not kill myself and just let her take care of my bloodied nose. Stupid pony...

It was her fault I had a bloody nose to begin with. Somehow I fell asleep standing up when I was petting her, and after a few seconds I lost my balance and kissed the floor with my whole face. Or at least that's what she told me. I still don't trust her as far as I could throw her, which was about twenty feet if I angled it right.

Fluttershy came in to the room from her kitchen wearing over mitts on her hooves and carrying a pot of steaming liquid. "How's your nose?"

I wheezed loudly. "Oh, I can feel my life slipping out of me! Please, tell me wife I love her!" I then fell on my side. "Bleh," I said, sticking my tongue out and pretending to be dead.

She gave a soft smile, which irritated me. "If you're well enough to be sarcastic, you're well enough to live." She then ignored my suffering sounds and poured two cups of tea.

I sat up and grumbled at her. "If I was really dying you wouldn't even care..." I then downed the boiling liquid in one gulp and screamed for the next few seconds before asking for a refill.

She put the kettle out of my reach and sat down next to me, giving me a hurt look. "Of course I would care! How could you think that?!" she gasped.

I shook my head and spawned a few dozen cans of beer in front of me. Cracking one open, I scowled at her. "No you wouldn't. You would just tell me to stop being a child, or to stop being stupid like everybody else does." I guzzled the beer and opened another one. "You're just too nice to say it, is all."

She frowned at me and pulled the can away from me. "I do care about you, honest! And I'm going to prove it to you by making you as comfortable as possible until you can go home."

I shook my head and drank the beer. "I'll be fine. It'd be better if all of you just went away... or died. Either one works for me."

She cringed back away from me. "You really want us to die...?"

I finished off my fifth beer and opened my sixth as I stared at her. "Nah, not you. Just all the other idiots on this planet. I would prefer it if my planet burned and I was the last one alive actually, but seeing as how unlikely that is, I'd settle for World War Three wiping out most of the Eastern Hemisphere with nuclear weaponry."

She gave me an odd look. "Why do you hate everypony?"

I raised my seventh beer in the air. "Because everypony hates me. It's a system, like a give-and-take, y'know? I hate everybody on the planet and want them to die in horrible, painful, torturous ways, and they want me to go fuck myself and die huddled in a little ball hiding in a dark corner somewhere. It's not perfect, but it works."

She looked like she was pitying me. I don't like that. "That's terrible! Why does everypony hate you so much?" she asked me in a caring voice.

I snorted and spilled a bit of beer on myself. "Hell if I know! I was born into hate, raised with hate, got hate, and gave hate. Hate's as much of me as I am of it."

She looked at me with worry. "Uh, maybe you should go easy on the drinks..."

I snorted, spitting up a bit of my tenth beer. "I'm a fucking computer program, I can't get drunk! And plus, these aren't real beers!" I picked one up and gave it to her, opening it while she held it in her hooves. "I could drink a thousand of these things and not feel anything. So could you! It's all of the taste, with none of the consequences!"

She gave me a nervous look. "I don't think that it-"

I patted her on the back, almost knocking her off of the couch. "C'mon! Live a little! Just one drink won't kill you!"

She stared at the can for a long time while I chugged down several more. Eventually, she raised it to her lips and gave it a delicate sip.

***

"I's gonna win!" I cheered.

Fluttershy giggled. "No, I'm winning!"

I stacked the next can and cheered. "I'm almost there!"

"No you're not!" She yelled. Then she kicked the base of my beer can tower and caused it to collapse. "I win!" she yelled.

I fell onto my backside and looked down at my cans. "No... No... I lost..."

She stumbled over to me, barely managing to stay on her hooves. When she reached me, she sat down with a thump and patted me on the back. "Don't worry, I still think you're a winner."

I looked at her with a frown. "But I lost. I'm all stupid and sucky and stuff..."

She leaned on me, making shushing noises. "It's okay," she whispered in a scream. She patted my head. "You don't need to win to be not-sucky, you can be not-sucky if... uhm... if you..."

"I suck at everything!" I wailed. "I hate my life!"

She tried to hug me but missed, hitting me on the head with her hooves. "Shh... Don't be sad... I like your life."

I sobbed into my hands as she semi-held me. "I never win anything! I suck at everything and I don't have any friends! Everybody hates me because of how much I suck! I want to kill myself but I can't because I'll just respawn and still suck at everything!"

She rocked me back and forth as I cried, trying to get me to calm down. "You don't suck at anything," she said to me gently. "You didn't lose, I just won."

I wrapped my arms around her, nearly crushing her. "I suck a making friends! I'm so lonely and nobody cares about me! I just want somebody to care about me! Is that too much to ask?!"

She put her wings around me as best she could. "I care about you. Does that make you feel better?"

I sniffed. "A little..." I said pitifully.

She smiled at me happily. "See? I'll do anything I can to make you feel better because I care."

I sniffled again. "Anything? Like, anything anything?"

She nodded clumsily. "Anything anything anything! As long as you're here, It's my job to make you feel better."

I felt a smile spread across me face. "Well, there is one thing that would make me feel better. But, I don't think you can do it," I told her.

She put her hoof on my chest, jabbing me slightly. "If it helps you, then I can do anything!" she loudly announced.

I grabbed her hoof. "Are you sure? Like, you have to be really, really sure that you can do this."

She nodded again, smiling brightly. "Nurse Fluttershy is here to make you feel better! And as long as you're feeling not good, my work isn't done!"

"You're making this too easy," I slurred. Then I could feel myself falling, not leaning, but falling forward. Then I could taste alcohol and strawberries.

***

The pain...

I sat up and regretted it, as I came into direct contact with a very bright beam of sunlight. "Fuck you Sun," I weakly said. "Go eat a dick..." I then fell off of the side of my bed and came to a rolling stop on my floor. Or, I would have if my floor hadn't been so close to my bed.

I didn't even bother standing up, instead simply rolling across the floor and to the bathroom door. Pushing the door open, I crawled inside and bumped in to something small and fuzzy. "Fucking rats..."

It made a strange noise. Not that of a rat, but something I didn't recognize.

I grabbed it without opening my eyes and squeezed as hard as I could and didn't let go until I heard multiple crunches and snaps and it stop writhing in my hand. I opened my eyes a crack and aimed at the open window above the sink. "Out you go..." I mumbled as I tossed the little white corpse out the window.

I pushed myself up, standing right in front of the sink. I reached to turn on the water and cracked my finger against the wall. "Fucking hell?!" I swore. Looking down at he sink I noticed that it was significantly smaller than it used to be. It was also a different color. And so were the walls... and the floor... and the ceiling... and the window was round, not square... and the tub was in the wrong spot... really, everything was different.

"Fucking drugs..." I mumbled to myself as I lowered my head down to drink water from the sink tap. I couldn't help but notice a taste in my mouth. Not from the water, but it was just... there. It was sweet, and fruity. Not really overpowering, but strong enough to let me know it was there.

I turned off the tap and walked slowly out of the bathroom and back in to my bedroom. I felt something crunch under my foot and, looking down, I could see a flattened squirrel. My instincts kicked in and I kicked it under an unfamiliar rug to clean up later. If I remembered, of course.

As I reached my bed, I flopped down on to it and pulled the blankets around my naked body. I smiled as I felt my morning wood push the blankets up, tenting them. "Good morning junior," I called to my friend from down under.

I reached a hand under the blankets and had him speak back. "Morning, to you too."

"Sleep well?" I asked him.

"About as good as any other night," he responded.

I nodded. "So, what do you want to do today?"

He chuckled. "Well first off, I'd like to get our morning business taken care of, then I need to relieve myself."

I nodded again. "Understandable. So, shall we begin?"

"I'll get the timer ready."

I nodded and narrowed my eyes. "Ready... Steady..."

"Ooohh, my head..."

I froze up, nearly having a heart attack. What the fuck...?

Slowly, oh so slowly, I rolled over and looked at a lump laying next to me. I could see pink hair and yellow fur. "... Oh fuck me..."

The Love Emitter...

"So... Good morning Fluttershy..." I said lamely as I stared at my bedmate.

She hadn't blinked for over five minutes. She just kept staring at me in shock, open-mouthed and wide-eyed. She hadn't even made a noise to tell me she was breathing.

I moved closer to the edge of the bed. "So, I seem to be doing better thanks to you. So, I guess I'll just head on out. Y'know, rolling stones collect no moss... and such..."

My head was spinning, and not from the massive hangover I had. I was in bed with a pony. Just that simple fact was enough to make me panic.

I'm not into bestiality! What the hell was I thinking?! Oh God, I'm never going to hear the end of this!

"Uh, so, see ya," I said as casually as I could as I got off the bed and looked around for my clothes.

Fluttershy squeaked from the sight of me naked in front of her. Well, not the fact that I was naked so much, but the fact that my boner hadn't found the time to relax. What can I say? I have a very needy body.

I looked down at my erection. "Oh shit, I forgot I was naked. Say, have you seen my clothes?"

Her eyes rolled up in to the back of her head as she fainted from the sight of the "cyclops".

At this point I didn't know what to do. My clothes were missing, my lay was passed out, and I was deep in enemy territory. "Well, time to improvise I guess."

I did the only logical thing I could think of: I turned back into a pony- just for the time being, of course. I didn't want to stay a pony like a priest didn't want to be seen teaching the choir boys how to harmonize.

My host was one I haven't seen before. Somebody named Daring Do. Cool enough name, and kind of a cool outfit. So with my host selected, I quickly tossed the dead squirrel out the window and left Fluttershy's house. But for some reason my wings wouldn't go down.

It was pretty boring walking to town, seeing as most of the animals were too small to eat or just not very tasty looking. But things did liven up when I entered town though. It was an exact repeat of when I got off the train. All the stupid little ponies wouldn't take their eyes off me. The only difference was that a lot of them looked excited, or were whispering to each other. The farther I got in to town, the more attention I was drawing in. It made me angry.

The line was crossed though when one of the normal ponies, a brown one with three blue horseshoes as an asstoo came up to me with a smug little smile. "Hey fine lady," he said in a slimy voice. "I thought you were only in stories and my dreams. But now that you're here, maybe you and me can be in a relationship."

I laughed loudly at the horrible pick-up line. Honestly, I've done better when I was drunk. When I stopped laughing I cleared my throat, bringing the voice of my host to cover up mine. "Listen buddy," Daring said, "if you want to keep your limbs, I suggest you apologize for being dumb and ugly. You have three seconds."

He raised a hoof up and put it on my shoulder. Yeah, bad idea.

Summoning up a machete, I swung it with my right hoof and lopped is leg clean off. As he screamed, I brought it down on his shoulder, burying it deep enough to stick in his body.

I turned away from the screaming pony and continued walking through town. I didn't really have a goal or anything, I was just walking. It was something I did whenever I wanted to think, and right now I needed to think.

Am I... into ponies...? No... No, I couldn't be. I like girls. Human girls. That was one night, and I was drunk. I'm not a yiffer, just an alcoholic.

"Ohmygosh!"

And then I was staring at face. A cyan face, with rainbow hair to be exact.

"Ohmygosh!" Rainbow yelled again. "Daring Do! What are you in town for?! Are you looking for me?! Are we going on another adventure?! Can I bring my friends?! What can I do?! I'll do anything! Anything!"

I blinked. Then I smiled. "Hey Rainbow Dash," I said in Daring's voice. "I was just wondering if you would be willing to test out a new piece of field equipment I got my ha- uh, hooves on. Want to help me out?"

She looked like she had an orgasm she was so happy. "Heck yeah I'll help you!"

I nodded. "Good. Here it is," I said as I handed her a block of C4. "I've already entered the code, so all you have to do is find a crowded room and pressed the green button. But you can't let anyb- er, anypony know, or it won't work. Got it?"

She looked at the thing in her hooves oddly. "What is it?" she asked me.

Think damn it! "Uh, it's a scent emitter," I lied.

She looked at me in question.

"When the timer runs out, the blocks of solidified manure liquefy, and it makes a smell so bad that it knocks everypony out. I haven't tested it out myself because if I do it in my disguise, they might think I was up to no good. So, I'll have you plant it, then we can share a laugh when the smell puts everypony to sleep," I explained. "So, are you up to it," I said, jabbing her in the chest with a hoof. "Or will I have to find a real, uh, mare?"

She saluted me. "You can count on me Daring Do! I'm your mare!"

I gave her a sultry smile. "Do this, and I might just be..." I said suggestively.

A huge blush covered her face as she nodded hesitantly. She then quickly flew off, fast enough to actually create a breeze.

I snorted. "I fucking knew she was a rug muncher," I said in my normal voice.

"Excuse me?!" a voice said angrily.

I turned to see Twilight with Viking and Applejack next to her. I shot my hoof in the air and stood stiffly. "Sieg hail!" I yelled to Viking.

He returned the gesture. "Sieg hail, Fuhrer!" he yelled back.

I scowled at him. "Report!" I yelled angrily.

He stood at attention. "Ze ponies are defenseless, mine Fuhrer! Ve are free to attack venever you see fit!"

I nodded. "Very gud vork, mine friend. Now, all ve need is ze proper equipment, und ve vill claim this land in ze name of ze Nether Reich!"

I looked at Twilight. "Pretend you didn't hear that."

She gave me a nervous look. "But, that was a different accent than last night... Who are you fighting for?"

I scowled. "Can't I be involved in multiple cultures? America is a free fucking country, y'know!" I shouted.

At that moment, a large explosion shook the ground beneath us.

I chuckled darkly. "Looks like Butch got the job done," I said to myself in Daring's voice.

Author's Note

I think I might work on posting shorter chapters from now on. Leave a comment to tell me your opinion. Whether it's good or bad, I care about all of your opinions.

I Love Apples...

As me and Viking waited for Twilight to finish her seemingly endless report to the two princesses about the explosion in Ponyville, we were sparring in the main room with blades. I was back in my bandit Playermodel and I had a large machete, and Viking had a sword. The score was seventeen to two, in my favor.

I parried a slice from Viking and jumped back. "So, how's life at the farm?" I asked him.

He swung his sword like a madman trying to hit me. "Not bad. I got to eat a whole apple pie while I was there."

I laughed and cut across his stomach, spilling his guts on the floor. "Kinky..."

He respawned and laughed, pulling out double knives. "Not like that, fucker! They fed me more than I could even eat, and it was good as hell."

I grabbed his arm mid-swing and twisted it, breaking it at the elbow. "Cool. Meet anybody that would make a good target dummy?"

He pulled away from me, wincing. "Nope, they're pretty cool. The little sister's annoyin', but it's funny as hell when she fucks up and makes her family mad."

I raised an eyebrow and threw my machete at him, pinning him to the wall through his neck. "Little sister? Like, how little?" I asked curiously as I pulled my machete out of the wall and readied myself for an attack.

Viking summoned a machete slightly smaller than my own and rushed me. "I don't fuckin' know. Eight maybe?"

I lopped off Viking's legs in a low sweep and stomped on his neck. "Nice... Hey, I'm coming back with you when you leave. I want to meet them."

He respawned with a sword in each hand and held them defensively. "I don't fuckin' care. How are you so damn good with a machete?!" he yelled as I broke his defense and nearly decapitated him.

I laughed. "I'm used to using them to hack down small trees and weeds. This isn't any different," I said as I tripped him and cut his head open at the ears. His brains went everywhere.

He respawned with an ACR pointed at my chest. "Fuck you and your god damn machete!"

I snorted. "Well fuck you too," I said as the bullets tore my torso to shreds.

"My library!" Twilight screamed from the steps to the upstairs area.

We both looked at her. "Not my fault," we both said at the same time.

***

I walked with Viking and Applejack back to their place of residence. Honestly, in the few times I've spoken with Applejack, I've come to almost not hate her. I mean, I'll still pour gasoline in her eyes and light her on fire if she insults me, but I might think about feeling bad for her after I'm done eating her corpse.

"So..." I said casually.

"So..." Viking said back.

Applejack looked at both of us suspiciously over her shoulder. "What're y'all conspirin' back there?"

I held my hands up defensively. "Oh nothing, just how we plan to hold you down and take turns with you once we get out of earshot of town. And after that we're planning on slaughtering your family and burning down your farm."

Viking gave me a disgusted look. "I ain't fuckin' no pony man!" he yelled.

I shrugged. "Fine. You hold her down and I'll fuck her," I told him. Then I felt something kick me in the stomach hard enough to make me puke up everything in my guts.

Applejack stood over me. "Now listen here partner," she said threateningly. "Ah don't know if y'all really think that's funny, but it stops now."

I chuckled as I pulled myself off the ground and stood over her. "Since we're being all threatening and shit, here's my offer. Do that again, and this world will burn in nuclear fire. And I'll keep you alive so you can watch me slaughter everybody. Then, when everything on this planet's dead, I'll make you beg for death before I even think about gracing you with it." I put my hand on her head. "How about that, partner?" I asked calmly.

She glared as she backed away from me. "Ah don't want you talkin' like that in front of mah sister, understand?" She asked angrily.

Thanks to my head wrap, she couldn't see the look of madness on my face. "Oh please, I'm great with children," I said in my best pedobear voice.

She glared at me even harder. "Ah'm serious."

I shook my head. "None of you are any fucking fun. Fine, I won't talk about rape and murder while I'm around your sister. But I'm going to be extra annoying to the rest of your family now."

She shook her head and continued leading us down the trail.

"Oh yeah," I called to her. "I still have an erection from this morning that you need to talk care of as part of the deal."

The sound she made as she heard me made both me and Viking laugh.

***

Sweet Apple Acres lived up to its name. It was acres of tasty apples that could in fact be described as "sweet". That fact made me hate it that much more. How much more? A lot much more.

I walked on to the property and immediately was greeted by a large red pony. I knew it was a male from the stupid look in its eyes that all of the females seemed to be lacking on this planet. "What the fuck do you want?" I asked angrily.

He switched the piece of wheat to the other side of his mouth. "What's yer name?" he asked slowly.

I got right in his face, pushing him backwards with only my forehead. "None of your fucking business, you inbred, cousin-fucking hick of a retard! Get the fuck out of my face or I'll beat your ass so hard you'll be sitting on your hooves for a week!" I screamed in his face.

He backed up slowly, giving me a dirty look. "Ah was jus-"

I stepped up in his face again, forehead-to-forehead. "You wanna fight me, you lil' bitch?! Huh?! C'mon, swing that fist, faggot! I'll break your God damned neck you bitch-ass motherfucker!"

He backed up again. "Applejack, control yer friend!" he shouted to his sister.

I swung my fist and got a nice cracking sound from his jaw. In an instant I was back in his face. "Do something! Do something bitch!"

He stumbled backwards away from me, rubbing his jaw with his hoof. "Whu's yeh po'bem?!" he slurred. For some reason, broken jaws don't help you speak clearly.

"What are y'all doin'?!" Applejack yelled as she pushed me away from him.

I snorted and spit on the ground at his hooves. "This stupid fucker looked at me funny."

Viking laughed so hard he started coughing.

I chuckled as I led Viking away from the two angry ponies. "C'mon, you need to show me where everything is. Plus, I want to meet the other family members. This Applebloom kid sounds like she'll be fun to mess around with."

"Hold on now!" Applejack yelled.

I kept walking until she galloped in front of us, glaring so hard I thought her face must hurt from the effort. "What?!" I growled.

She took a step forward. "What the hay do y'all think yer doin'?" she asked angrily.

I raised an eyebrow. "Well, I'm going to meet your family, and he's leading me there. So my best guess is that we're going to see your home." I looked to Viking. "Ain't that right, lil' bud?" I asked in a somewhat insulting Southern accent.

He shrugged. "I don't fuckin' know. I guess," he said without much conviction.

I nodded happily, looking back to Applejack. "See? Nothing involving chemical warfare or enslavement of your race at all. Nope! Completely innocent."

Applejack glared even harder. "Well Ah-"

"What's chemical warfare?" a young voice asked from behind her.

We all looked to the source and saw a little yellow filly with golden eyes and a big pink bow in her red hair.

I clutched my heart as I fell to my knees. "Oh, my heart!"

Everybody stared at me oddly.

The filly walked up to me. "What's wrong with ya?" she asked me.

I gasped in a breath. "I'm having-" another gasp, "a heart attack-" another gasp, "from your..." a very loud gasp, "... cuteness!" I then fell flat on my face and pretended to be dead.

She frowned and poked at me with her hoof. "Uh... are ya... okay?" she asked slowly.

I looked up at her from the ground. "No, I'm not okay. I'm dead from you being too adorable for my senses to handle," I told her in a very serious voice. Honestly, she was pretty cute.

She frowned and poked me in the face. "Y'all aren't dead. Yer still talkin'!"

I shook my head. "Nuh uh! I'm dead, my body is talking!" I countered as I stood up.

She frowned at me. "No way! Vikin' told me y'all can't die!"

I punched Viking in the arm. "Why'd you tell her that?! I was going to mess with her!" I complained.

He rubbed his arm. "Well forgive the f-"

I punched him again in the side of the head. "Not in front of the kid!" I said angrily, gesturing at the filly.

Shaking my head at my friend's stupidity, I looked back to the young pony. "So, what's your name?"

She smiled at me. "Ah'm Applebloom, a proud member of the Apple family!" she cheered.

I looked at Applejack. "Your name is Applejack Apple? Wow, that's fucking stupid."

"What?!" Viking yelled. "You can cuss but I can't?!"

I snorted at him. "Nope. She already imprinted on you, so I'm free of being a role model."

He shook his head. "I'm still cussing, I don't care what you say."

I looked to Applebloom. "Hey kid, you wanna see what Viking's insides look like?"

Author's Note

Just a warning, the next one or two chapters may contain, uh... bad things...

I Love Kids...

Author's Note

Pre-warning: This chapter is filled with evil things, and it will not hamper you in any way to skip it. It contains no especially relevant information for the rest of the story and will most likely not be brought up again in any other form other than a joke or awkward moments. In fact, I honestly suggest you skip it. If you don't like light bondage, forced pleasure, or mild rape... DON'T READ THIS CHAPTER!!!!!!!

Added tag just for this chapter: FOALCON
Read at your own risk.
I didn't want to do this... I'm sorry...

I actually have a spray of Discord in Gmod, but this is his spray. I thought this was appropriate for the character in the story.
http://files.gamebanana.com/img/ico/sprays/50290780d2f14.gif

I Love Kids...

"C'mon, damn you!" I yelled at the door to Fluttershy's shed. The damn thing wouldn't open!

"Are you sure we should be doing this?" Sweetie Belle asked.

I growled as I gave up on the pick and simply kicked the door in. "No, I actually think we shouldn't do this. But Applebloom's curious about it and you two wanted to try it out too. So if you don't have anything useful to say, shut it." I swear, Sweetie was cute, but she sure was annoying. Even more than Scootaloo. Rainbow Dash this, awesome that, and- Oh fuck you! I swear, she might be a bigger lesbo than Butch. Well, after tonight she won't be...

Sweetie Belle hung her head as we walked in the shed. "Sorry..."

"Hey, don't pick on Sweetie Belle you big jerk!" Scootaloo yelled in a whisper.

I spawned a few cyan glow sticks around the shed, as it was nearing night time and there wasn't any kind of interior lighting invented on this planet yet. "You can shut up too. If you want me to risk my safety for you three, you'd better do as I say. Now, close the door and push that tea table in front of it. Put the chair on top too."

They did as I instructed, even though Scootaloo looked angry and Sweetie looked a little depressed. Once the door was blocked, I pulled the curtains closed and spray painted over the windows. It was a .GIF of Stewie from family guy knocking together two pistols and smiling. Underneath it it said "HAPPY NOOB <--- It's you (if you kill me)" The good thing about Gmod is everybody comes standard with unlimited amounts of spray paint cans.

"So," I said as I turned to face my three companions, "let's get started. Applebloom, you first," I said as I pulled her close to me.

"Uh, what do Ah do?" she asked nervously.

I chuckled. "Just let my tie this bit of rope here around you, and then all you have to do is relax." I tied the rope around each of her back legs and connected it at the shoulders, so her back legs were up and her front legs were immobile.

I pulled Sweetie to me next. "So, how do you want it?" I asked her.

She looked clueless. "Uh, nice?" she tried.

I sighed. "Yeah, I really wish you three were older." I took the next length of rope and tied her hind legs underneath her, connecting it to her neck. For a filly, she had the plumpest little marshmallow ass I've ever seen, and the thought of those cheeks squishing together on my piece... Mmmmmm... Er, not that I like that kind of stuff! No way, totally into legal aged girls!

Next I grabbed Scootaloo by the wings and hoisted her onto my lap.

"Hey, watch it!" she complained.

I used the rope to hog tie her. Nothing special for this one, I just wanted to shut her up. And I had the perfect idea of what to use to do that.

I picked up my three little bundles of flesh and stupid and hung them by the ropes on a few meat hooks I spawned in just for this occasion. Next, of course, I put my bondage props to use and strapped a ball gag to all of them. "Can't have you three screaming, now can I?" I asked them quietly.

The all looked at each other nervously.

I put my hand on Applebloom's head and rubbed her gently. "Now, I need you all to promise me you won't tell anyone about this. It's got to be our special secret," I warned them.

They all hesitantly nodded in agreement.

I almost smiled at how eager they were to learn. "Now, it's anal for Applebloom, I'll do vaginal doggy style for Sweetie, and Scootaloo, I'll teach you about cunnilingus."

Scootaloo mumbled something through the gag.

I approached her and removed the ball from her mouth. "What's that?" I asked.

She spit from the plastic taste in her mouth. "I said, what's cuni- cunnilee- Whatever you said?"

I patted her head. "I guess you'll be first then," I said as I used my free hand to unzip my pants. What fell out and smacked Scootaloo on the nose made the three fillys' eyes widen.

Scootaloo stared in wonderment at my piece. "So that's what it looks like..." she whispered.

I chuckled. "Yes, that's what a cock looks like. Now, give it a lick and see what it tastes like," I told her.

She looked at me uncertainly for a second before staring back at my piece. She gulped audibly and stuck her tongue out, giving the tip a small lick, making me hiss. She looked up at me. "Are you okay?" she asked quickly.

I nodded mutely, not trusting my voice. My cock was so sensitive after being hard all day that her small breathes were sending chills up my back. Her tongue... Well, her tongue was like finding an oasis in the desert after days without food or water.

She looked back down to my piece and gave the head a few more licks, toying with the eye. She stopped when a small glob of precum came out and hung off the very tip of it. "What is it?" she asked me, staring at the milky substance.

"Swallow it," I said stiffly.

She cautiously lapped up the fluid and swished it around her mouth a few seconds before swallowing it. "It's chalky..."

I pressed my lips together and nodded, bucking my hips forward to press the tip against her small lips. "Yep," I breathed.

She went back to licking it, increasing the surface that she licked and started to add "tricks" to the rhythm. Flicking the bit of skin underneath the head, kissing the eye... She was giving me too much too quickly.

I bit my tongue and bucked my hips forward again, this time send my piece a few inches in to her little mouth.

Her eyes widened as she took me in to her mouth. At first she didn't know what to do, but quickly found out to breathe through her nose and put her head into motion.

As she bobbed her head on me and continued with the use of her tongue, I used my arm to push her back-and-forth, each time on the forward motion, I would go another inch further in. I did this until I hit the back of her throat. I was truly amazed that she didn't start gagging when I did this, and I pushed further in. I almost bottomed out when she began to choke on me.

She pulled her head back a little, trying to swallow the saliva in her mouth to free up room for air. When she was no longer gagging, she went back to work with her mouth and tongue. She truly was talented at this, enough so that I wouldn't have been surprised if she went to work as a pub prostitute.

I groaned out a breath as I sped up my gentle thrusts to more forceful ones. I was coming close, and fast. "Swallow it all," I growled at her.

She looked up at me in question, using only her eyes since her head was too busy. It was actually... kinda hot... She mumbled something I couldn't understand and raised a brow at me as best she could.

I grabbed both sides of her head and roughly pushed myself into her as deep as I could go. I felt my piece go down her throat a good ways before she started choking again. It really wasn't the feeling that got me to get off, it was the idea of how wrong this whole situation was combined with her little throat contracting over and over again to free me of her.

I dug my fingers into her mane as I emptied myself into her throat, nearly drowning her with my seed. I could feel myself throbbing as ropes of cum shot out of me and into her stomach, filling her up. Shot after shot I sent my seed into her, until finally I was dry.

I pulled myself out of her mouth and patted her head. "Heh, good job kid. If I didn't know any better I'd say you were trained to do this."

She looked up at me with a few tears streaming down her cheeks and seed dripping down from her mouth. "R- really? You th- think s- so?" she said between coughs.

I nodded, getting a worn out smile from her. "Keep at it and you could really go places in the world," I said to her.

Then I looked to Sweetie Belle, a hunger in my gut that had nothing to do with food. "So, you're next," I told her as I positioned myself behind her. "This might feel a bit weird at first, but you'll enjoy it. I swear it by my life."

She looked back at me over her shoulder and shook her head furiously, mumbling around the gag. As she tried to scream, tears started to flow slowly down her cheeks.

I chuckled darkly. "What was that?" I asked as I cupped my hand around my ear. "I can't hear you. Just tell me if you want me to stop and I'll untie you and let you leave," I said mockingly.

She tried to scream even louder, but the gag was well in place.

I laughed to myself as I gave her ass a slap, leaving a red mark on her plump little butt. "So, I guess this means you do want it? Excellent! Let's get started."

I took my stiffening piece in my hand and rubbed it up and down her juicy butt, right on the split. The feeling I got from her trembling body on my cock was beyond words. I did this until I was back at full mast, ready and wanting. "This may hurt a bit," I said as I used my hands to spread her cheeks.

I could feel my cock throb with every heartbeat as I stared at her cute little slit, complimented by her pucker. "Absolutely beautiful..." I said in awe of her, causing her to blush furiously.

I leaned into her, prodding her tight outer lips with the head of my piece. I did this repeatedly, each time drawing a cute little whine from her. I was surprised when I could feel her dripping on to me, getting the tip soaking wet with her virgin juices. I chuckled to myself as I dragged my piece up and down her opening, causing what must have been pints of of her excitement to leak from her. "I'm glad you're enjoying yourself," I teased her.

She looked back ahead, refusing to meet my eyes as she mumbled something through the gag.

I pushed my piece an inch into her, getting a muffled yelp. It felt like Heaven. The heat inside of her was like a blast furnace on high, and that mixed with the wetness and her juicy butt squishing my piece... Well, it was amazing, to say the least.

So inch after inch I forced myself into her. I was a little less than half-way buried in her when I felt a certain resistance that I was familiar with. I pushed a little harder and got a pained squeal from Sweetie, which I ignored, and pushed farther in. I knew that if I stopped it would only make it worse, so I continued to push forward until I hit a second barrier. I still had a few inches left out, but virgins can sometimes be flexible.

She gave off a pitiful sound as I hit her second barrier, from pain or from pleasure, I don't know. Probably a mix of the two, if I thought about it. She wiggled her hips a little, trying to accomplish I don't know what, but succeeded in only send a jolt of pleasure up my spine.

I placed my hands on either flank and slowly started moving her off of me. When only a few inches of my piece was left inside of her I pulled her back on to me. I went all the way to the second barrier again, pushing up against it and getting another squeal from Sweetie. Finding a good rhythm in this, I repeated the motions of pulling out half-way, pushing back in until I hit her cervix, then repeating this entire process again and again.

I did this for a full minute, building up the pleasure in myself and her. I was actually stunned that she could handle this much of me, being about the size of a smallish dog. But really, I was too lost in the moment to care much about the size of her body, only that I was filling it.

"You're so soft Sweetie, it feels amazing," I told her between breaths. "Your cunt is fucking amazing. It's so hot and wet," I told her.

She didn't respond. Not even a mumble or muffled yell.

I sped up, slamming into her harder and making wet slapping sounds from the contact of my pelvis on her drenched backside. "Hey Sweetie, do you want me to fill you up? Want me to cum inside of you?"

She shook her head, giving of a soft mumble.

I laughed as I increased my pace even further. "What was that? Yes? You do want me to fill up your little snatch with my cum?"

She shook her head frantically, mumbling through the gag.

I laughed. "Wow Sweetie, I had no idea you were this kinky," I said in wonder. "I'll be sure to get as much as possible inside of you, all right? I hope you like it, because I sure will."

She whimpered as I went faster and faster, plunging into her depths as far as I could go. Filling her up, then leaving her empty and filling her again. A moan left her mouth. Muffled by the gag, but loud and long all the same.

I all but stopped my thrusting, slowing down to a snail's crawl. "Sweetie, are you all right?" I asked mockingly. "I thought I heard you make a noise, but I'm not too sure."

She whimpered and tried to buck her hips against me, but I was holding her in place and she couldn't move.

I leaned over her. "Do you want me to keep going?" I asked her quietly.

She whimpered quietly and nodded very slowly.

I cracked a toothy smile underneath my head wrap. "You do? I can't speak mumble, so you'll have to tell me if you want me to keep fucking you."

She looked back at me with tears in her eyes and nodded again.

I chuckled and took the gag out of her mouth. "Use your words, Sweetie. Tell me you want me to fuck your little cunt with my big, hard dick. Say it!" I growled, squeezing her ass tightly.

She whimpered and sniffled. "I- I want you to... to... fuck my l- little cunt with your big, h- hard dick," she said in a pitiful voice.

I laughed loudly. "Very well then!" I yelled as I immediately went back to the speed I left off at before I started teasing her. Her saying things like that against her will made me almost blow my load right there, but I managed to control it. But even still, I was close and couldn't last much longer.

Sweetie moaned loudly every time I hit her barrier, clamping her eyes shut and throwing her head back. For a little filly, she sure was horny.

I was at the end of the line within a minute. As fast as I was going, as hard as I was pounding her, it was unavoidable.

I groaned loudly as I felt my seed shooting out of me, deep inside of her tight little cunny. Nowhere near as much as Scootaloo, but a good amount either way.

Sweetie let out a low moan as I pulled myself out of her, my cum drooling out of her once-virgin slit and plopping messily on the floor. "I... I feel... messy..."

I took in several deep breaths to calm myself as I sauntered over to Applebloom. "Yeah, that'll happen. You just have to get used to it," I told Sweetie.

As I stood behind Applebloom I massaged my cock as I stared greedily at her small openings. Just imagining me breaking her in was enough to get me hard again. "So, it's time to sodomize an under-aged pony. Hmm, that sounds weird when I say it out loud. Meh, who cares?" I rambled to myself.

I loosened the gag on her so she could speak.

Applebloom spit out the ball and looked at me worriedly. "Is it gonna hurt?" she asked me.

I nodded as I pressed the tip of my piece on her pucker. "Yes, it will. But after the pain stops it'll feel nice."

She bit her lip. "A- Ah don't think Ah wanna do this anymore..."

I rubbed her head gently. "Your friends did it, and they both enjoyed themselves. Don't you want to have the same fun they did?" I asked in a persuading voice.

She looked at me nervously. "Will it hurt a lot?" she asked.

I put the little red ball back in her mouth and tied it tightly, almost laughing from the scared expression on her face. "You're about to find out right now," I told her. Then I pushed forward hard, forcing myself into her anus a few inches of my length.

She squealed like a stuck pig, loud enough that her throat had to have been sore after she stopped.

I pushed in and out at a steady pace, not giving her any time to think about the pain. I could only fit a little over half of my piece in her at a time, but the crushing pressure from her ass was enough to make up for that fact. More than make up for it, in fact. It was even tighter and hotter than Sweetie was, though nowhere near as wet and sloppy.

I bit my tongue hard, drawing blood as I could feel the heat and pressure of her ass bringing me so much pleasure. It was hard to believe, but after only a minute I could feel the familiar feeling building up in my loins again.

She moaned- not squeaked, or squealed, or whimpered- but actually moaned as I fucked her. Every time I pushed forward, she let out a throaty moan, and every time I pulled out, she took in a labored breath. She was enjoying herself.

I went as fast as I could, trying to go as deep as possible. But for fear of breaking her, I held back as much as I could while still pushing myself and her. Still, at this speed my third finish was fast approaching.

"I'm cumming inside," I grunted out.

She nodded vigorously, mumbling loudly through her moans as best she could.

I could feel my hips burning from all the work I was putting into them. All the strain I was putting my body through. It almost ended me. "I'm gonna... I'm... gonna... Ffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuu-"

Applebloom let out a high-pitched, screaming moan as I came inside of her. It wasn't much, but the few ropes of cum that I filled her with was enough to overfill her.

I stumbled backwards and fell and my backside as I watched Applebloom pant and my cum slowly seep out of her. "Oh, fuck me..." I breathed. "If kids can do that, I'm terrified at what a horny teenager must be like."

Taking in a deep breath I pushed myself up and untied the three fillies and ungagged Applebloom, taking extra care not to soil my clothes any further. After I set them on the ground I spawned in a wash tub and filled it with water. Cold water. "In you go," I said as I dumped them in to the cold bathwater.

They all yelped and complained as I scrubbed them down with towels as best I could, trying to get every last bit of evidence of our activities off of them, or... out... of them... Yeah, it was kind of weird...

Once they were all clean I ushered them outside as I poured gasoline all over the inside of the shed. Once it was suitably doused, I walked outside and threw a Molotov through the window and watched it burn for a few minutes. That shed had enough evidence in it to fuck me over, and I wasn't planning on letting anybody find anything, anywhere.

Applebloom looked at me curiously. "Why'd ya set Fluttershy's shed on fire?" she asked.

I shrugged. "I don't know. I just like to see things burn," I lied.

We all watched the fire for a few more minutes before I spoke up again. "So, you remember what I told you all before we did that?" I asked them.

They all nodded. "We can't tell anypony, because it's our special secret," they all said at the same time.

I nodded and shooed them away from me. "Good. Now, go home. It's dark and your peoples are probably wondering where you all are. Go on, git!" I yelled, nudging them away from the burning shed and towards town.

I watched them trot off towards their homes as I yawned. Fuck, I need a nap.

Turning towards the forest border, I could see Fluttershy's house only a stone's throw away. Hoping that she was either asleep or not there, I starting walking for the little cottage. I needed a good rest, and dealing with her didn't really appeal to me at the moment.

Forceful Love...

I slowly woke up, feeling an uncomfortable kink in my neck and a cramp in my leg. Sleeping on a couch sized for maybe two ponies when I'm well over six feet tall and have the build of a football lineman does that. "Mah neck!" I yawned loudly.

A noise could be heard from the kitchen. "Oh good, you're awake," I heard Fluttershy call from in there. "Do you want any breakfast?" she asked me.

I stretched, getting more cracks and pops than should be considered healthy. "No, I'm going out! I'll be around town, so avoid anything that looks like it could kill, maim, or in any other way hurt you!" I yelled to her as I got up and walked to the door.

She trotted out of the kitchen and called to me. "Have you seen Angel bunny?" she asked as I opened the door.

I looked at her with a raised brow, thinking that I should really find a better Playermodel to express my emotions without speaking. "Who the hell is Angel bunny? Is that some weird pony hooker name?" I looked behind her. "Are you a pimp? If there's some kind of pony hooker organization and nobody's told me I'm going to be fucking pissed!'

She blushed and shook her head. "Uhm, no, Angel is my, well, bunny."

I shrugged. "Nope, haven't seen your rabbit. And I doubt I will considering rabbits are more food than pet to me." I scowled. "I fucking hate rabbits. Little, angry demons..."

With that I ignored the look she gave me and left her home to walk around town. It was a sunny, cloudless day. The birds were singing, the beetles were droning on, and I could faintly hear the sounds of civilization in the distance.

I unconsciously spawned in a PKM, complimented with a few thousand rounds and held it closely. I didn't trust this. I didn't like sunny, cloudless days. I liked pitch dark nights with storm clouds hanging above me. And for the birds and bugs, well, to me they were better suited to die in an orbital nuclear strike than sing. And the only kind of civilization I liked was dead, burnt, and filled with ghosts.

I thought about these thing until I entered town, drawing attention and causing whispers as I walked the rural streets. I shook my head. "If you don't stop staring I'll fuck your eyes with a hammer," I said out loud as I continued on my stroll. I snorted a laugh as all the ponies quickly looked away, either to the sky or the ground or something in a completely different direction.

I yawned again as I turned a corner. I spotted both my friends talking with Rarity, Pinkie and Butch. "Hey, assholes!" I yelled at them.

My friends waved, along with Pinkie for some reason.

"Hey, dickhead!" Viking yelled back.

I walked over to them and nodded at my friends. "Is everythin' guud ti gow?" I asked them in a ridiculous Southern accent.

Viking nodded. "Shore thang Goober. W' jus' needs ti git th' M80's n' play-ce."

I raised my fist in the air and roared my battle cry. "White power!"

My friends laughed at this.

"You aren't even white!" Serpent said between chuckles.

I shrugged. "That didn't stop Dave Chappelle, and it sure won't stop me from beating those damn, dirty commies..."

I looked at the ponies. "So, what were we talking about? Carrots? Oats?" I leaned in a waggled my eyebrows at them. "Stallions...?" I said suggestively.

Rainbow snorted a laugh. "Your name is... Goober?" she asked with some difficulty.

I pulled the hammer on my PKM back, loading a round into the chamber and letting off a loud clacking sound as the gun became ready to fire. "No, but I do have an alias named Goober 'Clem' Bermingham. He's from Mississippi and works at a catfish shack." I put my finger on the trigger and leaned a little closer to her. "Why, do you think my alias is funny? Does it make you laugh? Does it make you want to just... burst from laughter? Does it make you die from laughter? Does the laughter split your ribs in half and cause you unimaginable pain? Huh? Does it?"

She gulped and took a few steps back. "Uh, nope! Nothing funny about it! Not at all... heh, heh..."

I looked at Rarity. "What were you talking about?"

She did some overly complicated maneuver with her hoof involving flipping her mane and striking a pose. "Oh, we are simply discussing at which establishment to dine at."

I raised a brow. "Doesn't dine mean, like, dinner?" I asked her.

She scoffed. "Oh yes, like a ruffian such as yourself would know," she said sarcastically. She narrowed her eyes at me and jabbed her hoof at me. "Your friend has told me about some of the things you've done, and let me just tell you that you are a most unpleasant pony- er, person."

I blinked. Then I pointed the barrel of my PKM in the sky and loosed the hundred rounds in the case. After that I pushed the smoking barrel against Rarity's shoulder while she was cowering on the ground.

She screamed loudly as the metal seared her flesh, causing blisters to form and burst around the area I was pressing my gun to. She actually caused a few nearby windows to shatter with her voice.

I was pushed away from her by Rainbow Dash crashing into my chest.

She hovered just in front of me, giving me a look promising death.

I laughed. "You want to fight, you dike-y cunt?" I teased.

She became so red in the face I figured all of her blood had left her other limbs. "I'M NOT A LESBIAN!!!!!!!" she screamed as she charged me again, slamming in to my chest and causing a few unhealthy cracks to sound off.

I pulled her hair roughly, causing her to scream in pain. "Fuck you, bitch!" I yelled as I slammed my fist into her jaw.

She was sent sailing backwards from the momentum of my fist, but other than that seemed completely fine. "Is that all you got?" she growled.

I summoned up my Bulk Cannon. "Nope." I fired all seven shots at her, but somehow missed every one as she dodged away. I reloaded and fired again, but missed her as she flew circles around me.

"Catch me if you can!" she jeered.

I snarled as I went akimbo USAS and fired after her. One of the shots hit, causing her to spin out of control and hit a building. "HA! Take that, dike!"

Just then I felt a stab of pain go through me. Turning around I saw Twilight running up with Applejack and Fluttershy with her. Twilight was carrying a bunch of costume jewelry and firing small bolts of lightening at me. "Fuck you! Fuck you all!" I screamed.

I dug down deep and found the perfect weapon.

Smiling, I looked to my side and saw it. The DRONE from NeuroTech, because fuck WAC. I got in and turned the engine on as I fired my USASs at the approaching ponies. "I thought you were my friend Fluttershy! You're nothing but a fucking traitor!"

Fluttershy looked away, but kept flying at Twilight's side. "I'm sorry," I thought I heard her say.

With the engine fired up, I flew high above the small town. "Attention Ponyville!" I screamed through the loudspeaker. "You are all going to die! Please be cooperative and stand still while I murder you! It will make this much easier!"

The collective scream and stampede going through the town was enough to tell me that they didn't listen.

I sighed and locked on to Town Hall. "Bye bye!" I yelled as the rockets shot from their pods and turned the large building to ruble.

I laughed like a maniac. "Yes! YES! Everything will burn!"

The buildings fell quickly, no match for the HE rockets in my DRONE. In only a minute I had turned half the town to dust. Sure, I had probably killed a few people, but they were acceptable losses. My only hope was that my friends stayed out of this.

I brought my DRONE low to the ground as I found Applejack tending to Rainbow Dash behind a fallen home. For some reason they were wearing shiny necklaces. "Hey, buddy!" I called over the loudspeaker.

She looked at the machine of death with a mixture of horror and dread.

I cackled through the speaker. "Before I kill you, I want to tell you a secret."

She shook her head. "Ah don't wanna know!" she yelled over the motor.

I leaned close to the voice receptor. "I fucked your sister and her friends. I fucked Fluttershy too. And it was God damned amazing," I confessed.

She went wide-eyed as she stared at my front screen.

I cackled again and fired the rockets, turning everything in her general area to nothing.

Then something hit my DRONE and I spun out of control. I pulled on the stick to get higher, but my tail rotor must have gone out because I was spinning in circles as I came closer and closer to a building that looked a lot like a giant gingerbread house.

I hit the roof and took out a couple of the upstairs rooms. I shook my head to clear it as I climbed out of my DRONE, mostly unharmed. I looked around and saw two cribs in the corner of the room that wasn't destroyed.

I smiled and put more than a cars weight worth of C4 in the room as I listened to the two toddlers cry. I left the room, placing more C4 along the hallways and tossing a few satchels down the stairs.

When I got downstairs I was meet with horrified gasps from what looked like half the town. Pinkie was in the center with Fluttershy, trying their best to keep them all calm. They weren't doing a good job.

"Hello, my little ponies..." I said as I summoned up myself another PKM and loaded it.

Pinkie looked at me miserably. "Why...?" she asked.

I laughed as I waded through the crowd. "Because she was a bitch and Rainbow wanted a fight. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a planet to burn," I said as I walked out the door. I watched the door for escaping ponies as I got a good distance away from it. When I was sure that nothing would get out, I pulled up my detonator.

"Stop right there!" an unpleasantly familiar voice yelled.

I groaned as I turned to face the two princesses. "What now? Can't you see I'm trying to kill everything around me?" I complained.

They both hovered high above me, their horns crackling with enough power to send me to Hell and back, then back again because I forgot my Ray Bans.

"If you do not cease this immediately, we will be forced to end you!" Celestia called down to me.

I snorted. "So I shouldn't do this?" I asked, pressing the button on the detonator. Shortly after, the entire building stuffed with ponies turned into a fireball so big I could feel the heat from almost a hundred feet away. "Now it matches the rest of the burning town!" I cheered.

They both fired their energy beams at me.

I did the only thing I could think of whenever I was about to die. I pressed the B button, which I had bound God Mode to in Evolve.

I felt the beams hit me, but they did nothing but cause horrible pain. "You assholes, that hurt!" I yelled. I activated Noclip and flew up to their level. "You want to use big guns? I can use big guns!"

I summoned up the biggest guns I could think of. In each hand I held a Grand Slam from Gbombs. "You could have just sent me home! But no, you wanted to keep me here! You just had to keep me trapped here!"

They both charged their horns again. "I didn't want you here!" Celestia yelled over the magic from her horn and the burning of the town. "I wanted you gone, but the portal closed! I had no choice but to give you to Twilight!"

I scowled. "Well, Twilight's dead now." I threw both bombs at them, quickly flying deep into the ground to keep myself from burning in nuclear fire and radiation. I could feel the ground shake, could feel the heat through the earth. I knew that everything in a good few hundred miles was most likely glass or dust.

After a full ten minutes of waiting, I flew up from the ground and saw what I had done. As far as I could see, everything was scorched earth. The ground had been blackened and the sky was a blood red color. Clouds of smaug hung thickly in the air like a blanket over the dead land.

And high above it was a golden bubble of light that held two very weakened princesses. Celestia and Luna leaned on each other, nearly passing out from the strain of keeping a shield up through two nukes.

I floated over to them, a sneer on my face that they couldn't see. "So, I guess this is your fault then. You could have saved everybody else, but you chose to save yourselves. How noble..."

Celestia glared at me as she held on to Luna.

I laughed mirthlessly. "Here," I said as I stuck my hand through the shield. "Have some Nerve Gas."

Her horn flickered for only a second before the bubble was filled with red smoke and screaming.

The small flicker summoned up a big, black hole- giggity- in front of me, swirling with different pallets of colors deep inside of it. Some were pastel, some were opaque, some were metallic, some were neon, some were dull- all kinds of colors.

"The fuck...?" I said. Then I was grabbed by one of the colors and pulled into the hole.

As I was dragged by the color, I saw some... inter- okay no, it was downright fucking weird. I saw Pinkie cutting up a bunch of other ponies, Fluttershy as a furry with tits I could sleep on, Twilight gone insane, Scootaloo as a grown mare, a brown pony with a giant hourglass next to him passed out drunk, a pink, fluffy pony and a big bug pony hugging her... Weird shit. But what I ended up in was by far the weirdest.

I stood in the big, stupid room I was in when I first got in this world of insane ponies. Only it was... eh... different. It wasn't quite as... bright, as the other room was. Everything had kind of a pinkish tint to it. I was actually starting to get a feeling of mild fear just from standing in the silent hall.

"Ah, what do we have here? An intruder? Hehehehe, now who would be foolish enough to break in to my castle?" said a somewhat familiar voice behind me.

I turned around slowly, not entirely sure what to expect. What I saw was odd, really. Odd, but not unexpected. It was Celestia, only... different. Instead of her creamy white fur, it was a little pale, and had an almost unnoticeable pink tint to it, just like the rest of the world around me. Her mane and tail weren't the rainbow colors they normally were either. Instead they were light pink, with a little glittery sheen to them. And her eyes... Well, I don't want to use the word terrifying, so unnerving will have to do.

She approached me slowly with a small smile on her lips. Playful, mischievous almost. "A Human? My, I haven't seen one of you in a long time," she said. Her voice was a lot like Celestia's, only more... er... bedroom-y? Is that a word?

I spawned myself a PKM with a few thousand rounds and loaded it. "Now then, who the fuck are you?" I asked cautiously.

She raised her brow at me playfully. "You don't know? Why, I thought all of you knew who I was. After all, I made this blog for you Humans."

I looked around me cautiously. "Blog? What? Make sense you stupid magic horse, or I'll burn this planet just like I burned the last one!"

She widened her smile a fraction. "Ooh, a tough guy. I like a little fight in my stallions," she cooed.

I scowled. "Sorry, but I'm not particularly inclined to have anything to do with you. The last Celestia I was involved with tried to kill me," I said with a snort. "Fucking idiot..."

Her smile died down a little. "You met another Celestia?" she asked me curiously.

I scowled. "Yeah, and her sister, Luna. They were complete assholes. They tried to kill me when I was defending myself against an attack by that dike-y bitch Rainbow Dash."

She raised her brow again. "What happened?"

I sighed and waved the hand I wasn't holding my PKM with in the air. "I don't know! I set off a few nukes in Ponyville and killed them, then I was sucked through some tear in reality or some shit like that! Now?" I gestured to her with my LMG. "Now, I'm here with a new Celestia, new planet, new anger, new hate, and the same fucking problems. God my life sucks!" I yelled as I smacked my own forehead.

She looked at me curiously. "You can travel through planes just like mother..." she mumbled.

"What?" I asked in irritation.

She smiled and shook her head. "It's nothing, now-" but she was cut of as a box of text appeared out of thin air in front of her.

Molly!!!1 Whos that guy! He coud be dangerus dont trust him!!

I stared at the block of text. "The fuck is that thing?" I asked as I poked it with my gun.

Her eyes widened. "You can see them too?!" she asked in shock.

I put a bullet through the Anon symbol at the beginning of the text, getting a dying shriek from the block as it faded from existence. "Yeah, I can. What the fuck are they? It kinda looked like a question box from tumblr."

She smiled at me serenely.

I worked my jaw side-to-side as I thought about what I just said. I blinked. "No... No... No..."

She nodded ever so slightly. "Welcome to the Princess Molestia blog," she said, giving me a small bow.

I threw my fist into the air and shouted into the sky. "NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Author's Note

So today I found out that the Princess Molestia blog was taken down and a Gamer Luna blog took its place. I don't know if this is old news or what, but I was kind of disappointed. I really liked that blog, and seeing it gone hurt a little.

R.I.P Molly! I'll always love you!
Forever and ever yours,

Fussan

Also I was curious to see what would happen if I liked my own story, so it's actually one like less than it says.

Everybody Loves Luna...

I walked through the castle as "Molestia" told me of everything that happened recently in her world. Who did who, what came where, who's the next Equestrian Idol. Things like that. And seeing as how there wasn't a highly destructive explosion in Ponyville, we came to the conclusion that her world wasn't directly tied to the one I was in.

I nodded slowly as I began to understand. How it worked was so simple, yet incredibly complicated in its mechanization. Something like this could be dangerous, well, more so than I would be alone. "So, all you do is zap them, and they go all r63?" I asked in awe.

She giggled and nodded. "Put bluntly, yes. I'm still not sure how the gun works; it's very complex."

I worked my jaw side-to-side as I thought about how it could possibly work. "Well, maybe it works with the chromosomes? Like, makes them reversed, or inverted or something like that?"

She hummed in thought. "I never thought of that..."

I continued. "How Humans are is that we got an X and a Y in males, and an X with two Ys in females. Theoretically, all you would have to do to turn a male into a female is add an extra Y to his DNA, and take a Y out to make a girl a guy. Maybe that's how it works...?"

She gave me an appraising look. "You just figured out something my best scientist couldn't in ten seconds," she told me.

I snorted. "Well, it's basic biology really. If your scientist didn't figure that out he's a fucking idiot. I studied smoking weed in the bathroom and fucking drunk girls at my dorm in college and I had no problem seeing the solution."

She tutted. "That's not very nice, you know," she scolded me.

I barked in laughter. "I'm not paid to be nice."

She smirked at me. "What if I did pay you to be nice?" she asked with a wink.

I shook my head. "I quit instantly. That job sucks too much ass," I said with my own wink.

We both laughed a bit at our disgustingly filthy minds as we turned another corner in the castle hallways.

"So," I started, "where are we going exactly?" I asked her.

She sighed. "We're going to see my sister."

I raised an eyebrow at her. "Is that... bad?"

She smiled and shook her head. "No, not really. But it can get a little crazy now that she has her own blog. She really is popular..." she trailed off, leaving no small hint of jealousy in her voice.

I looked at her oddly. "But you said you had the most popular blog on the internet concerning ponies. Aren't you way more popular than her?"

She sighed. "I did have the most popular blog on the internet. But after a while my sister became more and more loved, and I... Well, they lost interest in me in time, and I was swept aside while she rose to fame and fortune."

I scowled. "They sound like idiots to me. I've been talking with you most of the day and the only bad things I've thought about you are the dirty suggestions you keep throwing my way. Oh, stop that by the way," I said, annoyed.

She chuckled and opened a large, regal door to a large... dark... messy... somewhat smelly... very unorganized room. "Luna?!" she called. "We have a guest!"

"I'm answering mail!" a voice yelled from a second level of the room. I hadn't even seen the stairs because of empty bottles and old food wrappers lining them, along with a few sagging cardboard boxes beneath the steps.

Molestia chuckled again and led me up the stairs- which were layered with old garbage that has long since become one with the carpet. Once we got up the stairs, I was amazed by how clean it was. There was hardly any garbage at all, besides from the literal mountain of opened letters.

I took in a deep breath and nodded. "It's just like back home... Only a lot cleaner," I said with nostalgia.

Luna turned to us with a small frown. "Sister! I said I-" but she stopped upon seeing me. She took a few small steps towards me, unsure if I was real or not by the look on her face. "Is... is that a- a Human? Here?"

I rolled my eyes. "No... A Human?" I asked sarcastically. I then used my pill pack to turn into a crow, flying over to her and perched myself on her rump. "I'm not a Human, I'm a crow. Caw caw!" I actually said the words "caw" instead of making the noise.

Luna looked at me strangely, her headset giving off a faint glow from the LED li-

I hopped up her back and cocked my head at her headset. "How the fuck do you have one of these?" I asked her.

She raised a brow. "It's not that uncommon, is it? All serious gamers use this brand of equipment." She said this like it was normal.

I blinked my beady bird eyes at her. "You have video games here?" I asked incredulously.

She made a face at me. "Of course I do! This is my room, after all! Where else would I keep my gear?"

I looked to Molestia. "I think I figured out your problem. She's a cute girl that plays video games! That's every man's dream! To hell with kinky sex and sexual torture, I'll take a girl that knows her way around a mouse and keyboard any day!"

I looked at Luna. "Marry me," I said simply.

She blushed heavily. 'I- but y- what?!"

I flew off of her and turned back into my normal bandit Playermodel, still holding my loaded PKM. "I think th-" but I was interrupted by almost dozen little boxes of text, all surrounding me.

A HUMAN IN EQUESTRIA?????

who he

Luna dont marry him! Marry me!!!

get rid of this bastard!

No humans aloud only ponies!!!

Whats his name? Who is he?

how did he get that big a*s gun in equestria

Molly i luv u!!!

This Guy Looks Dangerous And Must Not Be Trusted!!!!!1!!11

He looks like a badass

its a bird, its a plane, its a HUMAN!!!!!

Luna ur fukin hot you shud show ur ass

I pulled up my PKM and fired rounds into all of the boxes of text, tearing them to sheds and getting pained shrieks from all of them. "God damned vultures," I said as I backed down the stairs with my gun at the ready, not trusting the pile of letters to be safe.

Once I was down the stairs and out the door of the filthy room- that was still somehow cleaner than my own- I reloaded my PKM and shook my head. "Fucking ponies. Fucking tumblr. Fucking Anons. Fucking stupid people on the internet!" I growled loudly.

I felt a tap on my shoulder.

I turned around to see about a hundred guards, all glaring at me. "What the fuck do you assholes want?"

One guard stepped forward from the bunch. He was wearing different armor than the others; more decorative. "Were you the one disturbing the princess?" he asked in a gruff voice.

I pushed the barrel of my PKM against his forward and pulled the hammer back, getting that satisfying clacking sound. "That depends," I said. "Do you want to keep your head on your shoulders?" I asked threateningly.

Author's Note

So, two hours of sleep is healthy for 48 hours of life, right? Right? ... Right...? I'm so tired...

Anyways, I am looking forward to the Gamer Luna blog, but like I said, there will always be a space in my... er... what's that thing you feel with? Eh, whatever. Molly will always have a spot right in the center of my feeler, and nothing will ever replace her.
You will always be missed Molestia. If not by the fandom in general, then by me the most.

Motherly Love...

I popped a chicken nugget into my mouth and chomped on it loudly as Molestia and I sat in her room talking. "But really, your security fucking sucks. That dumbass pissed himself when I threatened him!" I exclaimed, chuckling at the idiot in question.

... Who was currently standing about two feet from me as I talked with Molestia, supposedly guarding her from me.

She gave me a somewhat dirty look. "You shouldn't say things like that, you know. It's mean."

I laughed loudly. "And I fucking care because why?!" I yelled, coughing up a few chunks of meat from my nuggets onto the guard's helmet. "I thrive because I'm mean. Making others as miserable as I am makes me feel better, and is one of the few reasons why I haven't shot myself."

She frowned at me. "That's a terrible coping mechanism you know. You could do so much better if you did something that was productive," she told me.

I snorted. "Oh yes, I'll take up knitting right away. I'll make be sure to make everybody in the castle cute little sweaters with hearts on them! Just give me their names and I'll put them on the mailing list right now!" I said, almost snarling. I started out sarcastically, but somehow ended up finishing with quite a lot of venom in my voice.

She leaned towards me, her eyes half-lidded. "If you can't speak with an inside voice, I'll give you a reason to scream," she said suggestively.

I shook my head. "No thanks, I've screwed my fair share of magical, talking animals this week. I don't plan on making it a habit any time soon," I said, pushing her away from me slightly. "Plus, I'll find a way home before I get that desperate."

She smiled smugly. "And what if you can't find a way home, hmm? How long until you have to... indulge...?"

I raised an eyebrow at her. "I'm a computer program trapped in a world that's connected to the internet. Somehow, I think I can manage just fine, thanks."

Just then, yet another little chat box appeared. Molly i think he mite b gay. Thats why he doesnt want to hav sex with you

I raised my PKM up and shredded the box of text, using all one hundred bullets. After that I reloaded and fired another hundred bullets into what was left of it. After that I pulled out a flame thrower and scorched the tiny little pieces into ash. Then I stomped on the ashes and smeared them into the carpeted floor.

I sat back down on her bed and spawned myself more weed than I could ever smoke and lit myself a joint that was over a foot long.

Molestia looked at my oddly. "I take it that struck a nerve?" she asked, seemingly amused by my reaction.

I inhaled it all at once in one long breath, held it in for almost a full minute, than blew it out through my nose. "Old memories, is all. Caused more trouble than it was worth," I said, partially for myself.

The room was uncomfortably silent for a few minutes while I finished eating my nuggets and Molestia tried not to stare at me.

I coughed after I was done chewing. "So, what's there to do for fun around here?" I asked her.

She smiled at me. "I can show you~..."

I shook my head. "Eh, no thanks. I think I'm fine with entertaining myself."

She laughed at this. "Have it your way. But besides that, I have a few things to do. Although, they might not be very fun to you."

I shrugged. "Well, we can do things my way?" I suggested.

She raised a brow at me. "And what might that be?"

I chuckled darkly.

***

"Pull!"

ZAP!

BANG!!

BOOM!!!!!

I relaxed, dropping the sniper rifle to my side. "And that, my dear Molestia, is how you snipe," I said proudly as I watched the remnants of a miniature Sun dissipating from the sky and falling into the large courtyard we are all standing in.

The many guards that were watching my display of skill applauded me.

She smiled at me. "Sure, one is easy. But can you take out two?" she asked.

I laughed. "No problem," I said cockily.

She fired her horn off again, creating two small Suns. ZAP! ZAP!

I raised the rifle, sighted, aimed, fired, and relaxed all in less than a full second. BANG!! BANG!!

BOOM!!!!! BOOM!!!!!

I laughed. "I'm the best sniper in the world, and this proves it," I said, very full of myself.

Without warning she fired off five more.

Two seconds and five loud cracks from my rifle later and five mini Suns were dead.

She smirked.

I scowled.

She fired her horn. Ten times.

I fired my rifle. Nine times.

Ten mini Suns died.

I reloaded and roared a cheer. "Double kill! Triple kill! Multi Kill! Ultra Kill! Killing Spree! M- M- M- Monster Kill- kill- kill! Ludicrous Kill! Holy Shit- shit- shit! Rampage! Ace!"

Every guard was roaring their approval, very loudly.

I gave Molestia a smug look. "My nine beats your ten. How's that for skill?" I asked with no small amount of pride.

She smiled at me. "I've never seen somepony with accuracy like that before. It is truly impressive..." she said, licking her lips at me hungrily.

I chuckled. "If I can't hit something with my PSG-1, nobody can hit it with anything. No way, no how, no chance."

Just then Luna showed up, flying down from the castle from one of the many balconies. "That! Was! Amazing!" she yelled, getting right in my face. "I've never seen somepony shoot like that! Not even I can shoot like that! Are you in MLG?! Are you a Dev?! Can you teach me how to shoot like that?! You're so amazing!"

I gave her a blank look. "You've never seen me. You're not me. Kinda. Sorta. No. I know."

Luna blushed and backed away from me. "Um, I am sorry for that. I got a little excited..."

I blinked. "Yeah, whatever. I get that a lot."

Molestia stepped next to me. Very closely. "Luna, we were right in the middle of something here. Did you need something?" she asked sweetly. Almost sickeningly so.

I looked at her. Is she... Is she really being possessive over me?

Luna nodded enthusiastically. "Yes! Sister, I have great news!"

Molestia raised a brow. "What's going on?" she asked.

Luna's smile widened unrealistically. "Mother is coming to visit! She's coming tomorrow, and she'll be here most of the day!"

Molestia took on a face I have never seen on her in the thirty or so hours I've known her: Fear.

I scowled. "And what's so important about your mother? Is she, like, coming home from a cruise to the Caribbean or something?"

Molestia frowned at me. "No. She's just... been gone for a long time... The last time I saw her..." She trailed off without finishing what she was saying.

I bit my teeth together. "Oh," I said coldly. "She's one of those kind of parents."

Luna tilted her head at me. "What kind of parents?" she asked.

I looked at her, and I must have had a very disturbing look to me, because she took a few steps back.

Molestia nudged me slightly with her elbow- or whatever ponies call elbows- and smiled sadly at me. "She's not like that. She visits us whenever she can, but sometimes she is called away to other dimensions for various reasons. The periods in which we actually can see her are... long. And sometimes she can only show up for a few minutes at the most."

I got one thing from that little speech. "She can traverse other planes?" I asked her.

Molestia nodded.

I worked my jaw side-to-side. "So... do you... Do you think... she can take me home?" I asked slowly.

Molestia thought for a moment before answering. "If anypony can, she can."

I almost smiled. "Well, I can't wait to meet your mommy, Molly. I hope she's as fun as you are."

Author's Note

Good news and bad news today.
Bad news: I'm failing my classes.
Good news: I'll soon have more time to write this stupid story! Yay expulsion!

Apparently they don't like it when you call the teachers liars and shitbags, among... other... more, "body part influenced" words.

I Promise To Love You Always...

I crossed my arms over my chest. "I absolutely refuse," I said coldly.

Molestia gave me a tired look. "It needs to happen, you know," she said, her levels of irritation growing.

I scowled. "No, it really fucking doesn't."

She frowned at me. "Yes, it really does."

I scowled even harder. "I haven't done it since I got here, and I won't do it now."

Her frown turned into a glare. "If you want to see my mother, then you need to do it."

I snorted. "No I don't. I can see her if I want, and you can't stop me."

Her glare intensified. "Trust me, I can stop you if I want to. So you had better do it," she threatened.

I sneered at her. "You know just as well as I do that you can't do shit to me. I can fly through the planet, run at the speed of infinity, spawn an army of giant bugs, turn myself invisible, and make myself invulnerable. But the one thing I can't- and won't- do, is this!

She sighed, doing the pony equivalent of pinching the bridge of her nose. "Can't you just do it for me?" she asked me.

I rolled my eyes. "Threatening wouldn't work, asking won't get you anywhere," I snarked.

"She's here!" Luna yelled, galloping at full speed towards us.

Molestia looked at me pleadingly. "Please put on some kind of nice looking clothing? Please?!"

I rolled my eyes. "I can do this much, and that's it," I told her. Then I turned into a crow and perched myself on her rump.

She gave me a dirty look before a... casual?... looking alicorn slowly walking into the room behind Luna.

The alicorn had somewhat pale white fur with auburn hair and kind blue eyes and a red quill in an inkwell for a Cutie mark. She looked happy, for all intents and purposes. But somehow... tired, as well.

I studied her with my sharp bird vision. She kinda looks worn out. Probably busy in other worlds and shit, I guess.

The alicorn walked right up to Molestia, giving her a gentle smile. "It is so good to see you again," she said in a quiet voice. Quiet, but somehow loud, like it drowns out everything else in the room.

Molestia smiled awkwardly. "It's good to see you mother. I've... missed you."

God, this is embarrassing just to watch.

The two stared at each other for a few seconds before I decided to break the tension.

I cawed. Very loudly, in fact.

Every eye turned to me.

Their mother smiled at me. "I see you have a new friend!" she said happily. "Tell me, what's his name?" she said, using her hoof to ruffle the feathers on my head.

I gave off a noise that consisted of a guttural growl and a hiss, puffing my feathers out at her touch.

Molestia moved away slightly. "Uh, you mean my bird? The crow?" she asked nervously.

She tried to pet me again so I flew over to Luna and balanced myself on her head. I gave the new alicorn the best scowl a bird could give. I hissed in bird language at her.

She smiled at me. "He's cute. So, his name?" she asked again.

Molestia bit her lip in thought. "It's... uh... Blackie! Yes, Blackie. Because of how black his feathers are. His name is Blackie," she lied.

Her mother eyed her funny, clearly knowing full well she was lying to her. She looked back to me. "Such a funny little bird..."

Luna looked up at me with a small glare. "He's not funny at all mother. In fact, he's rather mean," she growled, trying to bat me off her head.

I cawed in laughter, flying away from her and perching myself on a nearby guard. A lanky stallion that was clearly unnerved by having me there.

Their mother chuckled. "He just has this intelligent look about him, like he can understand us. It's so strange..." She shook her head. "Forgive me, I got distracted. I'm here to see you girls, not your charming pet," she said with a smile.

I watched them all walk off, talking about things and catching up. Scowling, I flew off after them.

***

I hate you.

I will kill you.

I will devour your corpse.

I dislike you greatly.

You disgust me.

I will eat your babies.

Lunch was boring for the most part, so I was entertaining myself by staring at the guards and thinking dark thoughts. Maybe it was the vibe I was giving off, or maybe it was because they knew who I really was. But as I stared at them, they would become more and more terrified. One of them even ran out of the room screaming.

The current guard I was torturing was sweating buckets and shaking. I could tell he was close to tears.

I will be your end.

Your life means nothing.

Everybody hates you.

Nobody cares about you.

You are an idiot.

I will tear out and eat you soul.

You will die cold and alone with nothing but your sorrows and regrets to console you.

That was the last straw for him. He sniffled and hung his head down low, letting his tears fall unseen. "My princess?" he croaked.

All three regal figures looked to him.

Molestia looked at him and saw that he was crying. Then she looked to me and saw me staring at him, unblinkingly cursing him and threatening his life in silence.

She sighed. "You may go..." It was not the first time she had said that that afternoon.

He instantly galloped out of the room as fast as he could, nearly knocking over a different guard.

I cackled in bird language, flying over to another guard and starting my process all over again.

"Blackie?" Molestia called to me.

I sighed and looked over at her.

She frowned at me. "Maybe you would prefer to sit with me? At the table?" she asked. Though it was more of a command than a question.

I gave a guttural caw and flew over to the table, snagging a piece of food off of Luna's fork before I landed in front of their mother. I cawed loudly, flapping my wings a few times at her.

She rubbed my head again with her hoof and smiled. "I can't see why the guards are so afraid of him," she said. "He's such a cute little guy."

I puffed my feathers out, hissing at her and hopped down the table towards Luna's plate. Before she could do anything I took a few more pieces of food from her and hopped over to Molestia, gobbling down the food.

Molestia smiled, patting me on the head.

I hissed at her, but stood right there and accepted the petting.

They talked some more, mostly about what's been going on, how they've been doing, what their mother was up to recently, and how things were in the country. But finally, much later into the day, Molestia breached the topic. Me.

Molestia told her mother that she had somebody that wanted to talk to her, but that he wasn't here right now. She said that I wasn't a pony, or "normal"- whatever that means- and that I was interested in her ability to traverse other planes. What she failed to mention was that I was hoping to get a ride on those powers and to ask if she could do that.

I looked out one of the many windows in the very regal looking dining room. The Sun was nearly setting.

I cawed at Molestia, getting her attention.

She broke off her conversation with her mother and looked at me expectantly.

I tilted my head at her mother and cawed.

She raised a brow. "What is it?"

I sighed inwardly and motioned to the window with a wing.

Once she saw how late it was, her eyes widened. "How did the time go by so fast?" she whispered to herself.

I cawed again, louder this time and hopped over to their mother, looking into her eyes.

Molestia sighed. "Mother, do you remember when I said that I had a friend who wanted to meet you?" she asked her.

Their mother nodded. "Yes, I remember."

Molestia sighed again. "Well, he's been here this whole time. And he wants to talk with you now."

Her mother looked from her to me several times. "Your friend is Blackie?" she asked.

"That's not really my name, y'know," I said angrily.

She blinked at me. "A talking crow... How strange."

I scowled at her as best I could with a beak. "I'm not a crow. I'm actually a Human stuck inside of a computer game that got sucked through to the internet and somehow got sent here from the real Equestria." I fluffed myself. "It makes sense if you don't think about it."

She looked at me quietly for a long time. Never even blinking for minutes.

I waved a wing in front of her face. "Are you still in there?" I asked with a raised bird brow.

She blinked. "You..."

I nodded. "Me..."

Her eternal smile faded, being replaced by a somewhat angry glare. "You're the one that set off those bombs. You're the one that killed them."

I sighed. "Yes, and I'm very sorry that I fucked with the balance, or, whatever I did. But right now I want you to use your dimension powers to get me back to my own dimension. To get me home."

She glared even harder. "Why would I help you?" she hissed at me.

I snorted. "Because if you don't then I'll be forced to wonder around different pony dimensions and fuck things up until I find a way to get out of here."

She regarded me coldly. "You're a crow telling me you're a Human. With the story you gave me, it doesn't seem likely that you're telling me the truth."

I sighed and flew off the table, switching back to my bandit Playermodel and giving myself my PKM back. I landed on the ground softly and gestured to myself with my free hand. "I'm a fucking Human. Can you see that now?"

She looked me up and down. "Still, I don't see why I should help you- even if you are a Human stuck here."

I sighed heavily and loaded my gun, getting that wonderful clacking sound from it. "Help me get home, or I make this world my personal target range."

She didn't say anything.

I scowled. "Look, I just want to get home. I have a dog that needs to be taken care of and a pizza in the oven. If either one of those things are left alone too long bad things'll happen." I put away my PKM, holding my hands out to my sides. "I'm grasping at straws here; I'm desperate."

She raised a brow at me skeptically.

I sighed. "Fine, I'll even say it." I took a deep breath. "P- ple- plea... Pl-ease... help me get home." I felt sick to my stomach after saying that.

Her glare lessened slightly. "I can't get you home," she said.

I spawned my PKM back in.

"But I can bring you back as far as the Equestria you started in," she added quickly.

I pulled the hammer back, getting my favorite sound.

"From there you can get home!" she yelled quickly.

I relaxed. "How?" I asked her.

"You entered there, so the traces of the portal will still be there. You just need to know how to get them open again." She smiled at me. "I can tell you how."

I rolled my hand for her to go on. "Yes, and? How do I open the portal? How? How?! Tell me damn it?!"

She chuckled.

I scowled so hard it hurt. "Why are you laughing?!" I yelled.

She looked at me happily. "You remind me of somebody I know."

I growled like an animal. "Tell me how..." I said through gritted teeth.

She waved her hoof in the air at me. "Only if you promise not to hurt the ponies there. After you promise me, I'll tell you."

I sighed angrily. "I promise not to hurt the ponies that live there. Cut your heart, hope you die, stick the knife in your eye."

She smiled. "All you have to do is let Celestia and Luna figure it out."

I felt a chunk of my skull chip from the pressure of my headache. "I'm going to hurt you," I said, very calmly and collected. "I'm going to hurt you so bad. I don't know how I'll do it, but I'll make you regret you ever lived." I laughed painfully and smiled. "I'm going to hurt you so, so, so bad."

She just kept on smiling. "Are you ready to go?" she asked.

I didn't say anything. I just stared at her with what felt like a bonfire going on in my head.

"Mother? If I may?" Molestia said, breaking our eye contact.

I looked at her, my headache going away slowly.

She smiled at me. Not her usual, sultry, playful smile. A real smile. "You're the only one that paid me any attention in a long time. I'm going to miss you."

I raised a brow. "What about tumblr? Just make a new blog; people will come to their senses and keep on liking you."

She shook her head. "No, I don't think I want to any more. I want real interaction, with a real person."

I snorted. "You're looking in the wrong place. I'm a computer program. Barely more than an AI, really."

She did something strange then. She nuzzled me. "I wish we could have done some of those things I suggested," she said, her playful smile returning.

I almost smiled at her then. "I tell you what. If you can find me after I get home, we'll do everything you suggested and more," I said.

She smiled mischievously. "Is that a promise?" she sang.

I chuckled. "Cut your heart, hope you die, stick the knife in your eye," I chanted, doing the motions of my words.

We nodded to each other and I turned back to the mother.

She lit her horn and I tasted electricity, cream, and the color blurple.

I went through what I did before, only it was one color, one texture. Not the whole gang of them. Everything swirled in front of me, much like a turd does in a toilet.

I felt myself being pulled in all directions. Then I was forced down.

I blinked my eyes open, looking at Rarity. "What the hell...?"

She did some overly complicated maneuver with her hoof involving flipping her mane and striking a pose. "Oh, we were simply discussing at which establishment to dine at."

I almost laughed from realizing the situation. Raising a brow, I asked the question that needed to be asked. "Doesn't dine mean, like, dinner?" I asked her.

She scoffed. "Oh yes, like a ruffian such as yourself would know," she said sarcastically. She narrowed her eyes at me and jabbed her hoof at me. "Your friend has told me about some of the things you've done, and let me just tell you that you are a most unpleasant pony- er, person."

I kicked her legs out from under her, causing her to fall flat on her face with her backside in the air. My friends got an unwanted eyeful.

I turned back towards Fluttershy's cottage and laughed loudly. "See you losers later, I need some sleep. If I haven't woken up in a week, get help," I called to them as I walked around a corner.

As I turned the corner I saw a very familiar pony. One with a butter yellow coat and gentle pink hair. I scooped her up in my free arm as she yelped and squirmed.

Once she decided to give up the hopeless struggle for freedom she looked up at me. "Um, what are you doing? Oh, if you don't mind me asking, that is."

I barked in laughter. "I'm a changed man, Fluttershy!" I declared loudly. "I'm turning over a new leaf; becoming a better person. I was going to start with a good rest, but seeing you made me think that it would be better to start becoming a better Human being as soon as possible," I told her.

She smiled in confusion. "Uhm, that's... nice?" she guessed.

I nodded. "Yes, yes it is! And do you know what role you're going to play in this little quest of mine?" I asked her, starting on the path to her home.

She didn't say anything.

I chuckled darkly. "You, my dear, little Fluttershy, will be teaching me how to be nice. And I'm not going to let you go until that goal has been accomplished."

She bit her lip. "Um, isn't that, ponynapping? I'm pretty sure that isn't nice..."

I sighed happily as I kicked her door open and patted her head with the barrel of my PKM. "No, no it is not," I said as I barricaded the door and set her down on her little couch.

She watched me do this with wide eyes, probably not really believing that it was happening.

I stood in front of her, sneering. "So, what's my first lesson on being nice?"

Author's Note

What? We're here again? What's going on?! Tell me what's going on! Tell m- aw, screw it.

Fluttershy! Fluttershy!!!
Uhm, yes?
Am I a good person?
Yes?
No I'm not! I'm kidnapping you! How does that make me a good person?! I'm still an asshole!
Uh, I'm sorry?
You're a terrible teacher.
I'm sorry...

Love Hurts...

"Uh, I say... Um, 'Thank you.' to him, and I leave?"

Fluttershy nodded slowly. "Very good! You're learning quickly."

I yawned and scratched my chest. "So, how long have we been at this? I want to get passed this stupid thank you bullshit and move on to other things."

She looked at a clock that was hanging from the wall in her living room. "Um, just over two days now."

I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply, calming my nerves and finding a happy place. "Are you saying that in the last two days... all I've done so far is learn how to say please and thank you?" I asked very carefully. "Is that was you're saying?"

She fiddled her hooves nervously. "Uhm, yes?"

I took another breath, picturing myself on top of a tall mountain, completely alone and carefree. "Are you fucking kidding me?" I asked, again, very calmly.

Her eyes flitted back and forth between me and a window on the far side of the room. "Uh... no?"

I breathed deeply, over and over again for a few seconds before speaking again. The only thing stopping me from going ballistic was the memory of what happened the last time I lost it. "Fluttershy?" I said quietly.

She didn't respond, so much as squeak fearfully and hide behind her mane.

I slowly took the ammo out of my PKM and set it on the small coffee table in front of me. After I was done I sat down right next to her and gently rested my hand on her head. I looked out the window, seeing a small red bird fly by, chirping happily. "Fluttershy, I don't think I want to be nice any more."

She tried to slowly slide away from me, but I held on to her tightly.

I rubbed my thumb behind her ear and closed my eyes, leaning back on the couch. "I wasn't meant to be nice, I know that now. I think I'll just settle for being tolerably horrid."

She moved beneath my hand, coming closer to me. "Are... Are you sure you don't want to try again? Well, if you want to, I mean."

I scratched behind her ears a little harder, getting a tiny happy noise from her. "I don't want to. I want to go back home so I can be angry and hateful without everybody around me getting mad. I was built for pissing people off, but it's just too damn annoying when those people can piss me off back."

I looked down at her, my eyelids feeling very heavy. "I just want to go back to being how I was, without all this crap backfiring and blowing up in my face."

She smiled at me. "Well, I'm sure the princesses are working very hard to get you and your friends home safely."

I nodded slowly. "Yeah..." I yawned. "I'm sure... I'm sure they are."

I closed my eyes, feeling like they were very dry.

My friends and I were standing on a pile of corpses, and the world was burning. We laughed and joked, firing off weapons into the air in celebration of our victory.

I wasn't myself. I was simply a spectator watching my body. I saw myself fire into the air, laughing and cheering about the death of the world. I was in my bandit skin, but I had my face. At least, I think I did. My face was completely blank, just a white slate. But somehow I could see my own, real life face in the blankness.

My friends were the same. Blank, white faces, with their real faces hidden beneath the surface.

We smiled without lips. We laughed without voices or mouths. We looked over the scorched and dead earth without eyes. We smelled the burning bodies without noses. We heard the roaring of the flames without ears.

I saw myself pick up a head. It belonged to one of the ponies, I wasn't sure which. I stared into its dead eyes and smiled. I said something, I don't know what. A threat, a promise, a wish, I have no idea. All I knew was that I was terrified of myself.

I threw the head at me. My body threw the head towards where I was watching everything. I think it hit me, but I can't be sure.

I gasped, nearly choking on the air coming into my lungs. I fell off of the couch and landed on my knees, clutching my stomach. I fought to not throw up, feeling like my insides were being ripped and twisted by a giant fist.

I tried to call out for help, but I couldn't find my voice.

Tears rushed down my face as I tried to stand but slipped and fell on my side, sending a spike of pain through my body like I've never felt before.

I tried to call out again, tried to get somebody to help me. All that came out was a strangled whisper.

I tried to push myself off the floor, to ignore that pain, to fight it. I screamed as my body beat me back down to the floor, refusing to move.

As I screamed, I felt the contents of my stomach being forced up my throat and out of my mouth. I could taste and smell blood.

I thought I heard screaming, but I wasn't really sure. I could barely hear over the sounds of me puking and the pounding in my head. I also thought I heard a door slam, but again, I couldn't be sure.

My vision kept fading between grey and black, until finally it settled on red, pulsing with every heartbeat.

"Help..." I managed to croaked out.

I used my hands to slowly pull myself towards the door, every inch feeling like a mile. It took me an eternity of intense pain to reach the door to Fluttershy's home, and even longer to force myself up and push the door open.

"Help me!" I called into the night.

I stumbled out of Fluttershy's cottage, every sound feeling like a muffled earthquake, every light blinding me painfully. "He'p mh," I mumbled weakly, the blood in my mouth making it difficult to talk.

I don't remember when I got into the town, but I was leaning heavily on a building trying to catch my breath. "H- hel- he..." I slipped, nearly falling over.

I saw something, then I was on my back. My vision was fading fast, and the pain was getting worse with every breath I took. "He- help... me..."

I heard a voice shouting directly above me. I thought I could make out a call for help, something about being hurt. It sounded familiar, like somebody I knew.

I felt tired. So tired... So tired...

I tried to stand up again but something on my chest was stopping me.

It didn't matter though. I was too tired to move. I was so tired... So tired... So tired...

Whoever was yelling stopped when another voice started.

There were a lot of voices, all of them speaking words I couldn't hear. Shouting things I couldn't understand.

But the voices stopped yelling. Now they were moving me. At least, it felt like I was moving. I couldn't tell; I couldn't feel anything besides the pain very well.

Then I was set down. I didn't remember the trip being more than a few seconds, but I must have faded out at some point.

The voices were back, shouting and yelling. I thought I heard my friends, but, I couldn't be sure.

I reached a hand up to my face and pulled my head wrap completely off. I then took off my knock-off Ray Bans and tossed them to the side.

I laughed, spitting up blood and feeling it run down my face. "Nu's Shy's g-uh tay care o meh... I beh fine..." I laughed again, almost choking on my own blood.

I felt something place itself on my chest and I gripped it as hard as I could. It felt like a plushie toy. Soft, fuzzy, and warm.

I smiled, the blood leaking through my teeth. "I'm r'lly dyin' thi time... ain' I?"

I heard a voice, soft and soothing. Trying to comfort me.

I laughed again, this time not feeling the pain because of the numbness slowly taking over. "Ya said ya'd care. I don' wanna die here."

I looked to my side, and through the blurry vision I could see Fluttershy next to me, my friends right behind her. "I l- love ya guys..." I ran my bloody hand through her mane. "I love ya most. I g'ad I gah to fu' ya..."

My sight left me, abandoning me to a world of darkness. I could still hear everything, but they do say that hearing is the last sense to go when you die.

But I didn't die, or, at least I think I didn't. My body became cold. Very cold.

I groaned and let go of the hoof I was squeezing. I felt like my head was burning from the inside out. I sat up, then I fell on my face.

I lay on the floor, feeling anger build in my gut, replacing the pain.

"Are you okay?!" I heard Twilight ask me.

I rolled over and sat up, scowling at her. "What kind of idiot puts a dying person higher than the floor?!" I growled at her.

She rolled her eyes. "Yeah, you're fine..."

I pushed myself up to stand on shaky legs. I leaned on the little table they used to fix me. I seemed to be in some kind of make-shift operating room in Twilight's house. "What the hell happened?"

Serpent tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned slightly to fully face him and my eyes went wide. He looked like hell. "What's wrong with you?"

"You know how we're computers?" he asked me.

I raised a brow. "Computer programs, but yeah, I guess. What about it?"

He coughed violently, a drop of blood trailing down his chin. "We're overheating from being used too much."

I groaned. "So? Can't we go swimming or something?"

"That's what I said!" Viking piped up.

Serpent shook his head slowly. "No, we need constant cooling. And even then we're screwed if we don't get some kind of break."

I groaned again and spawned my head wrap and Ray Bans back on. "So, I over heated? How come I went all deathly and you're just sick?"

He thought for a second. "Are you infected?" he asked me curiously.

I snorted loudly, clearing some blood from my nose. "I'm a computer program, I don't get sick," I said angrily.

He shook his head. "No, I mean did your computer have any viruses? Like downloading videos from YouTube or things like that?"

I laughed stupidly. "Does porn have viruses?" I asked dryly.

He gave me a blank look. "How much do you watch it?"

I laughed, louder this time. "How much do you breathe?" I asked him sarcastically.

"Good God," he said irritated. "Yeah, that's your problem, right there."

Viking was laughing loudly next to us.

Twilight cleared her throat.

I looked at her expectantly. "What?"

She gave me a questioning look. "What is 'porn' exactly?" she asked curiously.

I blinked. Then I blinked again. Then I felt myself begin to smile. "Well, it's when you take a camera, a bottle of lube, and your girlfriend..."

Author's Note

Fussan, why do you watch porn?
Because what I'm into scares girls away.
What are you into?
Hehehe, I'll tell you in a few chapters...
Uh, I don't think I want to know any more...
No dice bro! You asked, and I'm telling! Sit back and enjoy the ride, because I know I will!
I'm scared...
Hehehehe... You should be... Oh, yes... You should be...

So, is it a bad idea to add on to the story when I'm angry over losing a match in CS:GO? Yes? No? Maybe so?

The Feeling Of Love...

Morning had come again and my friends and I were sitting at a small cafe, each with our favorite drinks. For me, that was an ice cold beer. They were drinking soft drinks, like a couple of girly girls.

The ponies- and strangely enough a zebra- were giving us wary looks while we talked. Something about us chugging a few dozen freezing drinks each was making them nervous. Not that I really cared, or anything. I could just smack them in the head with a can if I wanted to.

I was laughing so hard my sides felt like they were going to split open. "Did you see her face when I brought up machine fetishists?!" I half screamed half choked.

My friends were both red in the face they were laughing so hard. They knocked over their drinks and were trying to speak, but they couldn't find breath enough to spare.

I laughed so hard that tears ran down my face. "She was so disturbed!" I leaned back in my little undersized chair and heard a snap. Soon after I was on the ground, still laughing loudly.

Upon seeing what had happened, my friends only laughed harder. Viking actually started to have a nose bleed from the laughter and it spurted on to Serpent's shoulder.

I stood back up and pulled over another chair, still laughing. "I- I- I nearly lost it when I brought up beast- b- be- bestiality!"

Serpent screamed with laughter and fell out of his chair, laying on the ground covering his red face with his hands to muffle the sounds.

Viking put his head in his hands and leaned over the table, trying to calm down.

I wiped away the large amount of sweat that was building up on my face and let my laughter die down to a hearty chuckle. "Oh God, I haven't laughed this much in years..."

As I listened to my friends' laughter die down, I felt the need to move. I don't know why or how, but I wanted to leave the cafe and do something. "Hey... You know what we should do?" I asked them.

They both looked at me with lopsided smiles.

I chuckled a bit. "Let's go flying. Just the three of us. We can get ourselves a jet and go around the country."

Viking nodded as he spawned in a health vial and fixed his nose bleed. "I don't know how to fly, but, uh, I'll see what happens."

Serpent agreed. "Sure, let's do it."

We all stood up and walked out of the cafe- but not before I left a piece of Bug Bait on the table- and headed to a known open spot to do this: Applejack's farm.

***

We entered the gate, talking excitedly over which jet we would be using.

"I think I'll go with the Harrier," Serpent told us. "It's easy to control and can go fast as heck."

Viking laughed. "Yeah, and it crashes fast as heck too!" he laughed, getting dirty look from Serpent. "I'm going with the FrogFoot. Way better control and it's fast as hell."

I laughed at them both. "Yeah, that's nice and all, but I thought we were men going on a jet ride, not kids playing with toys," I said, ribbing them.

They looked at me oddly.

I chuckled evilly. "I think you both know what jet I'm gonna use."

They both groaned in protest.

I laughed at them. "I've been using this jet since Gmod 11, I'm not going to stop using it now," I told them. "Plus, this is the best jet for handling, acceleration, weapons, and it's fast as fuck." I smiled impishly. "My friends, I'll be using the Mirage F2000 fighter jet, Admin Model!"

They both rolled their eyes at me.

I looked over to the best spot I could find, and I scowled. Butch and Hick were there. Fucking rug munchers always gotta get in the way of things...

We walked into the clearing and they saw us. They didn't look particularly happy about it either.

The lesbipony stepped towards us. "What the hay are you three doing here?" she demanded, not very politely.

Applejack stepped up to her friend, putting a hoof in front of her and shaking her head.

I snorted. "Well howdy-fucking-do to you too, asshole," I growled at her.

I felt a hand on my shoulder. A second later Serpent was telling me not to do something, but the pounding in my head drowned him out.

She glared at me. "We were in the middle of a conversation here! Go somewhere else and be a jerk!"

I laughed. "I'm a jerk? I'm a jerk?! Since we've got here you've done nothing but act hostile towards us! I've been nice by only insulting you!"

She pushed Applejack away from her and came closer to me. "Yeah, and you haven't apologized for saying I'm a lesbian!"

I scowled even harder. "You haven't given me any reason to apologize! You've been a bitch to me and my friends, not even giving us the chance with your constant attitude!"

She came even closer. "Well now's your chance! Apologize!"

I snorted at her. "Fuck you, bitch. I'm not apologizing to you after you just insulted me and demanded it from me."

She gave me a cold look. "Then leave me and my friend alone!"

I chuckled. "No, we wanna see how two dikes get at it in the pony world," I said teasingly. I could see Applejack taking a calming breath. "We need this space to take off in," I told her.

Applejack looked at me oddly, a bit of anger still in her eyes. "What do y'all mean, 'take off'?"

I extended my arm to my side, spawning in my jet. Unfortunately, that caused a slight pain in my head. "We're going for a fly, and this is the only spot big enough to take off in."

Rainbow Dash scoffed. "In that thing? You couldn't fly in that thing if the world depended on it!" she said with a laugh.

I sneered at her. "You wanna bet, Butch?" I challenged.

She glared again. "My name's Rainbow Dash! Not Butch!"

I sneered a little wider. "Until you can prove to me you're not a cunting little slit licker, you're name's Butch."

She growled savagely and flew at me faster than I could react.

I was on my back in the dirt, staring up at her with a scowl.

She smirked and pulled my head wrap down below my chin.

"What the f-"

She kissed me. Not just a peck on the cheek, but a full blown stick-her-tongue-down-my-throat-bite-my-bottom-lip-and-push-herself-forward-on-to-me kind of kiss.

I smiled darkly into the kiss, running my hand through her mane and forcing her head lower onto me and forcing my tongue into her mouth.

I don't know why I did this. Maybe it was the heat in my head mixed with the slight disorientation the headache caused.

She pulled away from me, licking my lips teasingly. "Got your proof?" she asked playfully.

I gave her a lecherous smile. "Nope. Before I make a decision I think I need a bit more... experimentation," I said, looking down between her legs.

She blushed heavily and climbed off of me, backing away a few paces.

I snickered as I stood back up, pulling my head wrap back up to its proper place. I looked to my friends. "And that, class, is how you call a bluff," I said in a teacher-y voice.

They both gave me mildly disgusted looks and shook their heads.

I scowled. "Just get in your fucking jets..." I mumbled as I opened the glass of my F2000 and climbed into the pilot seat. Starting it up, I heard a throat clear to my side.

I looked to see an embarrassed Rainbow Dash looking in at me. "What?" I asked impatiently.

She blushed a little more, her cheeks turning a rosy color. "Look, I... I just wanted to... y'know... say sorry..."

I raised a brow at her. "Excuse me?"

She glared at me a little. "I said I'm... sorry, for... being a big, dumb jerk to you..."

I snorted. "You weren't a big, dumb jerk. You were a little, dumb jerk," I said icily.

She glared at me.

I shook my head, flipping a few more switches. "Listen, you wanna hear a secret?" I asked her.

She leaned in a little closer, nodded slightly.

I sighed. "I'm going to regret telling you this, but I'll never respect you as it is. You'll have to earn it. Fly with us, and maybe, just maybe, if you can keep up, I'll gain a little respect for you. Then... I'll think about forgiving you."

Before she could respond I slid the glass closed and started on my take off. As I thundered through the clearing, I could see the approaching tree line. I sneered, knowing full well that I could take off long before I even came close to it. But just for shits and giggles, I waited until the very last moment to take off, sheering off the top inch or so of the trees with my wings.

The second I was in the air I felt like a great weight was lifted off of me. I always loved flying, even more than I loved swimming. Just something about the feeling of not being trapped on land made me feel better. Made me feel this sense of... freedom...

I looked to my left and I saw a FrogFoot. I looked to my right and I saw a Harrier. I looked above me and saw a pony. I looked ahead of me and saw a mountain.

I smirked as I opened up my coms. "Last one to go around that mountain twice and back to town gets shot in the dick!" I yelled. Then I opened my throttle and soared past my friends and Rainbow Dash. I could feel the G-Force pressing against my body, pushing me into my seat.

I whooped in cheer, screaming into the com. "C'mon you slow pokes, you can go faster than that!" I yelled, pushing faster even more.

It was then that I saw both of my friends' planes and Rainbow Dash speed ahead of me.

I laughed and pushed myself to nearly my maximum speed. Slowly, oh so slowly, I was gaining on them. I could see that Viking was in front, followed by Rainbow and Serpent.

I activated my rockets, targeting Serpent's jet.

"Don't you dare, mister!" I heard the static-y voice yell through my coms.

I locked on, firing a Hellfire missile at him. Unluckily, he had countermeasures. And he used them. "Damn you!" I yelled joyfully.

It then became less of a race and more of a dog fight. I would fire, they would dodge. They would drop back, I would do a barrel roll to avoid a missile. I would do a backflip to get behind them and fire my guns, they would spin away from me, only taking minimal damage at the most. It went on like this until I finally got a score on Viking's wing.

"Yeah! Take that!" I screamed.

"You fuck!" he yelled, his jet wobbling dangerously while thick, black smoke came from his left wing. "You suck!"

I dropped back behind him, readying my guns. "Hasta la vista, bitch!" I yelled, firing everything I had into his jet. I hit him a number of times, scoring good marks on his jet.

His wing snapped off, making him spin out of control towards the trees below. A fire broke out in his cockpit, obscuring my view of him. "Oh Go-" and then his jet exploded into a fireball, the few pieces that were left crashing to the ground.

Me and Serpent laughed. That is, until I started firing at him again.

Now, Harrier jets aren't the most maneuverable things in the sky. That's a cold, hard fact that nothing can change. I exploited that fact, using the superior speed and maneuverability to- eventually- cause enough damage that he couldn't fly any more.

I laughed into the coms. "So, how's it hanging bro?" I asked through my com as he parachuted down into the trees.

He fired his gun at me, causing a bit of damage, but nothing too serious.

I spun around, flying right at him.

"Don't you dar-"

And then my wing hit him, cutting him in half. I even had a nice bit of intestine hanging on to my jet from him.

I turned lazily back to the mountain, feeling very accomplished. Then I saw a cyan dot in the distance, just about to reach the mountain. "Fuck!" I swore loudly, pushing straight into max speed.

The G-Force was enough to affect my perception of things, like color and time. Everything started to go grey, and it looked like the world was slowing down. I could feel my skin peeling back, nearly getting ripped from my face.

Then I hit Rainbow Dash.

My eyes went wide, thinking that I had just killed her. I felt my body go cold.

She looked at me with wide eyes.

I took a breath of relief, just before I almost crashed into the mountain. "Oh, fuck me!" I screamed as I turned, narrowly avoiding death. I circled it, twice, with Rainbow hanging on for dear life to the front of my jet. I could see her terrified face, half looking at me and half looking ahead.

I laughed as a mach cone appeared on the front of my jet, scaring Rainbow even more.

She looked at me helplessly, her eyes watering from the intense winds and fear.

I shook my head and nocliped myself. Reaching up, I nocliped her and pulled her into the cockpit with me, turning collisions back on for both of us.

She looked at me with huge eyes. "It's so fast!" she yelled over the roar of the jet engines.

I nodded. "Yeah, it is!" I yelled back.

Then, we were both shook by a loud explosion. I had just broken the sound barrier. Unfortunately, my jet had taken a bit of damage, and that broke as well.

"Fuck," I said, summarizing my feelings, the situation, and what was about to happen.

My right wing twisted, causing us to spin uncontrollably. During this spin, my engine gave out, causing a free fall with the uncontrollable spinning.

"What's going on?!" she screamed in a panic.

I laughed, trying not to puke. "We're free falling!" I told her calmly. "We need to eject!"

She hugged my neck tightly. "We're gonna die!" she wailed.

I rolled my eyes, wrapping one arm around her and pulling the eject lever with my free hand. There was a sudden jolt, then we were weightless.

We were a good two hundred feet above the trees, and Ponyville was a while away, almost a spec in the distance.

I pulled the cord, opening the parachute and saving us. I looked to the little pony nearly crushing my neck in terror. "Hey," I said, shaking her.

She opened one eye, looking at me.

I smirked. "We ain't dead yet," I said playfully.

She untangled herself from me, hovering at my side with a sheepish look on her face. "Uh, sorry about that. I uh, lost it for a second..."

I snorted. "Yeah, you did."

My parachute got caught on a tree, leaving me to dangle above the ground. It wasn't very high, so I just dropped down, landing on my backside and probably getting a good bruise.

Swearing to myself, I stood up and looked around me. "The fuck are we?" I asked.

Rainbow landed next to me, a somewhat nervous look on her face. "W- we're in t- the Everfree Forest..." she said in a shaky voice.

I hummed in thought. "I'm gonna take a stab in the dark here and say it's dangerous. Also, that we're far enough away from the town that nobody's gonna come looking for us." I looked to her. "Am I right?"

She nodded, biting her lip and looking around her.

I sighed. "Great... of all the people to get stuck in the woods with, it's you," I said, messaging my head.

She glared at me. "It's not like I want to be here y'know!" she yelled.

There was a distant animal call, something like a screech.

She yelped and latched onto my leg, hugging me tightly for protection.

I shook my head. "Well, I always did like to camp," I said tiredly. Then I smiled wickedly. "Who wants to hear some good ol' scary campfire stories?" I asked her in a spooky voice.

She whimpered and hugged my leg tighter.

I laughed evilly, rubbing my hands together. "The tale of The Rake it is, then," I said, spawning in a campfire, two logs to sit on, and a tent. I also spawned in the Sun Editor and made it nighttime and added fog with the Fog Editor, just for extra freak-the-fuck-outness.

I sat on the log and pried her off of me, sitting her down next to me. "Once, there were three friends who decided to go camping in the middle of the woods, much like the ones we're in right now..."

Author's Note

Heh, this is gonna be goo-
You made us kiss?!
Uh, yeah? So?
I barely know you! I don't want to kiss you!
Rainbow, calm the fuck down, okay? Besides, you liked it. You said it was "actually kinda hot", remember?
...
See? Now, where was I?
You were about to tell the story...
Hehehe, oh yeah. Now, listen up, this is a good one...

Believe it or not, The Rake and Smile dog were the only CreepyPasta that actually got me. Smile Dog because I don't like things with animals in them, and The Rake because it was actually really fucking creepy.
If you haven't already, check out the video on YouTube of The Rake. It's really good if you watch it at night with headphones on.

I Love Hating you...

Author's Note

Pre-Warning: This chapter contains evil things, and will not hamper you in any way to skip it. Well, maybe it might, a little. But nothing so much so as to completely throw you off. You can use your imagination, not your eyes.
I didn't want to do this... I'm sorry...

Also, I forgot to ask everybody what their favorite CreepyPasta is. Mine is Laughing Jack. What's yours? Do you have one? Do you know what a CreepyPasta is?
Leave a comment below.

I Love Hating you...

"And the tape ended in static..."

Rainbow was shivering and shaking next to me, constantly looking over her shoulder into the woods. The tiniest of noises made her jump, and just the breeze was enough to make her scream.

I leaned back, sighing happily and taking a long drag of my joint. I held it in for a few seconds, then I blew it out through my nose, watching Rainbow freak out.

She chuckled nervously as she noticed me watching her. "Heh, that was, uh, a- a really good story... hehe, yeah, really, uh, creepy!"

I raised a brow at her. "Are you scared?" I asked playfully.

She puffed out her chest. "Me? Scared?" she laughed. "I don't think so!"

A twig broke behind her.

She screamed loudly and flew into the tent I spawned faster than I could fully perceive.

I chuckled to myself as I poked the fire with a stick. "Going to bed so soon?" I teased her. "Well, I don't blame you. The first time I heard that story I was pretty freaked out too."

She poked her head out of the tent, looking at me. "Is... Is it true?" she asked quietly.

I shrugged. "Who knows?" I said, staring into the fire. "The camera footage actually exists, but some people say it's fake. Others... though..." I looked at her, my eyes wide. "They say it's very real. They know, because they've seen it. They've seen him... The Rake!" I yelled loudly, throwing my hands up into the air.

She yelped and ducked back into the tent.

I laughed to myself, going back to jabbing at the fire. I liked fire. It was so pretty. And I could set shit on fire with it!

I did this for a good twenty minutes before I got bored and decided to go for a walk around the small area where our camp was. It wasn't a large area, maybe the size of the inside of a Taco Bell, give or take. It was during this walk that I found a small creature in a bush at the very edge of our camping spot.

I bent down, staring at it. "The fuck is a chicken doing here?" I asked myself out loud.

The thing turned to face me, squawking at me.

I scowled at it. "Well fuck you too, asshole. If I'm ugly, then you're down right hideous."

It narrowed its eyes at me, bawking and squabbling at me angrily.

I snorted. "No, I'm not from here, dumbass. Do I look like a pony to you? Fucking retard..."

It growled at me.

I blinked. "The fuck kind of chicken are you? You're not supposed to growl," I said angrily.

It raised out of the bushes. All of it. The chicken body, the snake tail, the draconic wings.

I stared at it, not sure what to think. "Well, this is new and different."

It glared at me, its eyes turning red and beady.

I scowled back at it. "Hey, fuck you buddy!" I yelled at it, raising up my middle finger.

It took on a surprised face, staring at me in shock. Then its tail turned to stone, the grey coating raising up its body until the head was encased as well.

I raised a brow and took off my cheap knock-off Ray Bans. Looking at the front of the lenses, I could see that they were thinly layered in stone. "Thank fucking God for reflective shades..."

Deciding not to push my luck, I went back to the little camp and sat back down by the fire. It lasted a few more minutes before a voice called out to me.

"Uh, hey... Are you there?" Rainbow's voice called from the tent.

I rolled my eyes. "No, I'm back in my house, enjoying the company of dozens of beautiful women all at once ," I said sarcastically.

Rainbow peeked out of the tent again, looking at me fearfully. "I can't sleep," she said.

I blinked. "Okay?"

She bit her lip and looked at me pleadingly. "Can you... Can you sleep with me?"

I blinked again. "What?"

She sighed. "I'll admit it. I'm... I'm scared, okay? I can't sleep and... I want you here... to... y'know..."

I closed my eyes and took in a tired breath. "And you want me to do what exactly? If anything comes, I can kill it just as good out here as I could in there," I told her.

She gave me a pitiful look. "Please...?"

Sighing, I pushed myself up and tossed a few more large logs on the fire before I went over to the tent. "Move," I told her as I crouched down to climb inside.

It was small inside the tent. Barely enough room for me, and nowhere enough room for both of us.

I picked her up and lay on my back, placing her back down next to me. "This is ridiculous," I said angrily.

She frowned. "Couldn't you make a bigger tent?"

I scowled. "I don't have a bigger tent model..." I mumbled.

She frowned even more. "Well... can you move over?"

I stared at her. "Move over where? There's no room!"

She glared at me. "Well this is your fault! You got us stuck here!"

I raised an eyebrow at her. "You have wings. Just fly away."

She scoffed. "It's pitch black out! I can't see well enough to fly anywhere! Plus you made all that fog! I'd get lost before I made it five miles!"

I gave her a cold look. "Fuck this," I said as I began to take off my shirt.

Her face reddened a little bit. "W- what are you doing?!"

I snorted. "Don't flatter yourself. If I'm going to be stuck in here, I need to be comfortable to be able to sleep."

Her eyes widened a bit. "So make a pillow!"

I smirked at her. "I am." I then took off my combat gear and boots and placed them at my feet. Then I took off my shirt, pants, head gear, and gloves, rolled them into a ball and placed them behind my head. I was now only in my dirty wife beater and boxers.

I looked at Rainbow's beet red face. "Is there a problem?" I asked smugly.

She glared at me, blushing furiously. "I don't have anywhere to sleep!" she complained loudly.

I widened my smirk just a hair. "You can sleep here," I said, patting my chest.

She glared even harder. "That's just weird..."

I laughed. "Yeah, so is being scared by a story," I said, striking a blow.

She gave me a sour look. "If you tell anypony this happened, I'll be the end of you," she threatened.

I closed my eyes and breathed deeply. "Mhm, sure thing Butch. Now, go to sleep."

She growled at me, causing me to smile. "I told you, I'm not a lesbian," she said angrily, jabbing me in the chest.

I cracked open one eye. "Prove it."

She was furious, I could tell. "How? I kissed you, but you said it wasn't enough. There isn't anything else to do!"

I pulled back my upper lip into a toothy smile, raising my eyebrows at her.

It took a second for the information to click. "No. No way. I'm not doing that. Not with you, ever."

I shrugged and closed my eye again. "Fine."

"I'm not a lesbian," she growled at me.

I snickered. "Sure thing Butch. And I'm a Wookie. Ggggrrrrrrhhhhhh!"

There was silence.

I could feel myself slowly slipping into sleep. I vaguely hoped that I would have some kind of dream about swimming. I liked swimming.

I felt a pressure on my lips.

I opened my eyes to see Rainbow kissing me, a blush on her cheeks and her eyes closed. I smiled in triumph and kissed her back, using my tongue to part her lips and deepen the kiss.

He eyes opened, a glare in them directed at me.

I looked back at her, a cocky smile in my eyes directed at her.

I put my hand in her mane again, just like last time. And, just like last time, I pulled her on to me, forcing us together roughly. I kissed her, almost violently.

Something inside of me wanted me to do this. I didn't, it was a joke. A stupid prank to mess with her. But as the temperature in that little tent rose, so did my lustful ambitions.

I sat up, pushing her lower onto me. I pulled her head back with my hand still tangled in her messy mane, forcing my lips on to hers. I sat, and even still I loomed over her, even still I had leverage on her. Even still I had dominance over her.

I could feel myself growing quickly, my friend from down under eagerly awaiting his next meal.

I pulled away from her, leaving a thin trail of saliva to hang from our mouths. "So, you feeling up to it?" I asked playfully.

She flashed me a cocky grin. "I was born ready."

I kissed her again, forcing myself onto her.

I lifted her up with my free hand, positioning her directly over my throbbing piece. I broke away again. "Don't scream," I teased.

I dropped her down onto me, not even caring if she did in fact scream or not.

She did scream. Very loudly.

I chuckled as I slowly moved my hips in circles, grinding into her. "First time?" I asked.

She shook her head. "No... Just... biggest..."

I raised an eyebrow, thoroughly pleased to hear that I was bigger than an average stallion. "So, I should take it easy, or...?"

She shook her head again. "No... Rut me... Hard..." she breathed, recovering from her scream still.

Hearing those words leave her mouth made me throb painfully inside of her. "That... I can do."

And do it I did. Hard.

I moved my hips into her at a quick rhythm, bouncing her up and down and effectively impaling her on me repeatedly. She was nowhere near as tight or comfy as Sweetie Belle, but she did have her perks. One being that I could push myself inside of her to the very base without risk of hurting her. Two being that even if I did hurt her, it didn't matter because she was a consenting adult and I couldn't get in any kind of trouble.

I laughed as I thought of this, causing a momentary lapse in the rutting.

She glared at me. "Keep going!" she demanded.

I saluted her with one hand, moving the other down to the connection to rub her clit. "Yes ma'am!" I yelled. I liked a woman who could take charge.

I used my saluting hand to help keep her riding me, lifting her up higher and slamming her down as hard as I could. I could tell she liked it rough.

She reversed the roles on me then. She pushed me down with her hooves, now using her strong hind legs to do all of the work.

I grabbed her flanks, assisting her in fucking me. I would give her extra lift when she pushed up, and I would give her extra force when she came back down. The system worked, bringing us both the wonderful friction we both needed so much right then.

I could feel her slick passage convulsing around my piece, massaging it beautifully. She was incredibly wet, almost soaking. This made it easy to pound into her, to fuck her senseless. To make her scream in pleasure and beg for more.

"You're soaked," I said between breaths, laughing.

She looked at me with a sultry smile. "Shut the buck up." Then she was kissing me again, forcing her tongue into my mouth and battling for dominance with my own.

I smiled into the kiss, pushing the fight into her own mouth and tasting her. She tasted like Skittles. Before then, I hated Skittles. But in that moment, I couldn't get enough.

I could feel the heat coming from her body mixing with my own, creating something just short of an oven inside of the tent. That same heat was affecting me in a certain happy place as well.

I picked up the pace, nearly splitting her in half with how fast I was slamming myself into her. Every time I pushed inside of her, she would let out a breathy moan in my mouth that only made the situation hotter. So hot, that I was damn near losing it and blowing my load.

Our pacing became erratic, unfocused, sloppy as we came nearer and nearer to our end. I wasn't sure if she was close or not, but I didn't hold back. I pulled away from the kiss and leaned my head back against my make-shift pillow, biting my teeth together. I started bucking my own hips up to meet hers as I pulled her onto me, doing this at a painfully fast pace.

"I- in- si- i- id- de!" she screamed, her voice cutting off every time our hips met.

I could feel it coming. Any second now... Any second and... I... Uuurrggghhh!!!

With one last, violent thrust I bottomed out inside of her, sending my seed deep into her in painfully pleasurable ropes.

I let out a deep breath, smiling to myself. "So... was it good for you too?" I asked sarcastically.

She let her head hang down, a few tears escaping her eyes. "It was... amazing... so... amazing..."

I laughed. "I hope you're not too tired, 'cause I'm not done yet," I told her.

She looked at me, her eyes glassy and unfocused. "What...?"

I rolled us over, placing myself above her. "You see, the funny thing about my dick is that once it gets all excited, it's hard to calm it down," I explained to her. "So, I need a bit more than that to keep myself satiated."

She looked confused. "What...? I- are you... What?"

I pulled my still-stiff piece out of her, letting the mixture of fluids flood out. "Don't scream," I said with a wicked smile on my face.

Then I pushed into her, hilting myself on the first go. I groaned as I felt her soaking passage twitch and contract around me. "Damn, you're fucking soaked Dash. I didn't even know somebody could cum this much."

Her face went red with embarrassment. "Sh- shut up..." she said, without much conviction.

I slid out slowly, letting myself feel every inch of her insides. "You must really like me Dash. You're already twitching in there again."

She turned even redder.

Just as the very tip of my piece popped out of her, I started back in. The same slow pace as before. "So, Dash, how turned on are you right now? I'd say a lot, but being this wet might just be normal for you."

She glared at me. "Just go faster! Rut me, don't sweet talk me!"

I raised an eyebrow. "You sure are bossy for somebody that's asking me to do something."

She let out a low moan and intensified her glare as I bottomed out again. "J- just go faster."

I pushed into her, forcing myself farther in and I hit a barrier.

She moaned loudly, biting her lip.

"Ooohh, did I just hit what I think I hit?" I asked teasingly.

She didn't answer.

I pushed again, hitting the barrier and getting another moan. "I think I'm right..." I pushed into her again, getting the same result for a third time.

I laughed to myself as I found my new rhythm, pushing into her and hitting her barrier, then pulling out only a few inches. As I did this I kissed at her neck, getting little pleased noise from her aside from the lusty moans.

I breathed in deeply, smelling her. "You smell awesome," I told her. I took in another breath, burying my face in her mane.

She moaned something resembling an insult in my ear, giving it a quick nip.

I cracked a toothy smile and dragged my tongue up the side of her neck, stopping at her ear. "You're mine now, Dash," I whispered into her ear.

She tried to speak, but the moans refused to let her get anything else out.

I bit down on her ear, just hard enough to leave a mark. "You hear me? You. Are. Mine."

She nodded, babbling something out through the moans that I couldn't understand.

I leaned back, getting an eyeful of my piece buried in her. "Absolutely beautiful..."

I started going faster, pummeling her, abusing her little slit until it was bruised. I could feel a burning coming from somewhere deep inside of me. A burning that made my chest feel tight. A burning that made me angry.

I put my hands around her neck, squeezing her. Crushing her throat. As I fucked her I was killing her. "You're fucking mine," I growled. "You're my bitch. You're mine. You're fucking mine!"

She nodded her head over and over again, her tongue lolling out the side of her mouth.

Faster and faster I fucked her, slamming the tip of my cock into the entrance of her womb. I could feel myself getting close, could feel the pressure. I didn't care. I wanted to fuck this little bitch to death.

I squeezed her neck harder, and I could feel her cum. I could feel her walls trying to swallow me whole. Trying to steal away my seed. That was enough for me. I came, filling her up a second time with as much as I could.

But I didn't stop. I kept slamming myself into her, forcing her walls apart to allow my piece inside of her. I was still rock hard, still brutalizing her little cunt with my piece. I was still choking the life out of her.

She put her hooves on my hands, trying to force them off of her neck. She tried to save herself. She wasn't strong enough.

I could feel her cumming again. It sickened me. It sickened me that even when I was trying to kill her she could feel pleasure. It sickened me that I could feel pleasure. It made me feel so angry that she would refuse my offer, refuse her death.

I felt myself cum again, once again filling her. I didn't care. I wanted her dead. I hated her so much in that moment that I wanted to kill her. I wanted her to suffer. I wanted her to be dead.

I looked into her bulging eyes, her pleading eyes. "You're mine," I growled at her furiously. "Mine. Mine. Mine... You're mine..." I felt something inside of me break.

I let go of her neck, letting my head hang down as the last ropes of cum left me. My sweat dripped down on to her, mixing with her own thick coat of it.

She was gasping for air, rubbing her throat to get some kind of feeling back in it. Tears leaked out of her eyes as she dazedly gazed at me.

I leaned down and kissed her lips, wanting to taste her again. "I'm sorry," I said between kisses.

She put her hooves around my neck and pulled me onto her, slowly grinding her hips on me. "It- it's... fine," she said between gasps.

I kissed her again. Not just from lust, but from the feeling of need. Of needing to taste her again. Of needing to connect with her in some way. "I... I lost control. I just- I don't know what happened. I just..."

She smiled at me and kissed me again. "Don't worry about it. You let go. It's fine," she assured me.

I shook my head, smiling darkly. "No it's not," I said slowly.

She looked into my eyes in question. "What's wrong?"

I chuckled darkly. "I'm still hard. And that's a problem." I leaned down and kissed her deeply. "You up for another round?" I asked playfully.

She smirked at me. "As long as you don't choke me to death," she teased.

I smiled. "No promises."

I Hate Loving You...

I awoke to the distant sounds of voices. Voices that were unpleasantly familiar. Unpleasantly, annoyingly, hatefully familiar.

Rubbing the sleep out of my eyes, I sat up in the small tent, rolling Dash off of my bare chest. I looked down at her, a small smirk playing at my lips.

I leaned down and kissed her forehead, rubbing her head gently before unzipping the tent and climbing out. I was greeted by the smell of fresh air and sunlight.

I grumbled something not suitable for children and walked over to the dying fire. As I stared at it, I thought about what had happened the night before. The story, the monster chicken, the tent... Dash...

I sighed and sat down on the log I had previously spawned myself, rubbing my forehead with an open palm. Thinking made my head hurt, and the heat wasn't helping anything either. It felt like I was burning from the inside out.

I need to get out of here...

A voice, Dash's voice, spoke to me. "Hey, are you okay?" she asked, sitting down next to me and wincing slightly.

I clenched my jaw together. "I'm fine. Just the heat getting to me," I lied.

She gave me a look. "Are you sure? You've been sitting here for almost ten minutes."

I sighed, rubbing my head harder. "It felt like only a few seconds..." I looked at her. "I need to get back home," I said, shaking my head miserably.

Dash smiled at me, punching me in the arm lightly. "Hey, don't worry! I'm sure the princesses are working day and night to get you back home!"

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, I'm so sure," I said with heavy sarcasm. Then I saw her neck. "You have bruises."

She raised a brow at me. "Well, yeah. You did kind of strangle me last night," she said jokingly.

"Won't your friends wonder why you have bruises on your neck after being in the woods with me?" I asked.

She scoffed. "That's nothing. I just hope they don't notice the other ones."

I raised an eyebrow at her. "What other ones?"

She leaned forward, giving me a good look at her flanks. Her backside was bruised a dark purple color, especially around her mare parts. "Yeah, it's pretty sore. But it was totally worth it." She gave me a saucy look. "Wasn't it?"

I snickered. "Yeah. Yeah, it was. To tell the truth I can't seem to feel my dick." I put my hands down my pants and gave myself a strong tug. "Nope, it's numb."

We laughed a bit before I heard the voices again.

"Did you hear that?" I asked her, staring into the trees.

She looked where I was looking. "Yeah, I did... What was it?"

I narrowed my eyes at the forest. "It... It sounded like... my name."

She gave me an odd look. "Your name? You mean the one that you still haven't told me?"

I snorted, getting up from the log and spawning my clothes back on and my PKM in my hands. I loaded it, getting that beautiful clacking sound. "Yes, my name. And there's only two people in the world besides me that know what my name is..."

We looked at each other for a brief moment. We looked back at the forest.

I saw something move, just a small flair of color among the dull greens of the forest. "The hell...?"

There was the sound of engines. Engines and helicopters. A helicopter engine, and the rotors slicing through the sky.

I saw that flash of color again, and figured out what it was. "Down!" I screamed, jumping to the ground. Luckily, that saved me from experiencing a large piece of shrapnel going through my stomach.

"What's going on?!" Dash yelled.

I got up into a crouched position, leveling my PKM with the spot of color. "We're under attack by idiots using helicopter blades as weapons!" I yelled, pulling the trigger and spraying the forest with bullets. I was looking for that spot of color. That light blue shirt.

A bullet cracked by my head, nearly taking my ear off.

"Fuck, get down!" I screamed, pushing Dash behind the log and reloading my gun.

I spawned a few dozen grenades, the strain making my headache worse. "Pull the pin and throw them at the target!" I yelled. "You need to get them with a few feet to be effective!"

She looked at me. "What's happening?!"

I set up my PKM to rest on the top of the log, firing into the woods at our attackers. "It's an ambush! They want me dead for downing them!" A bullet hit the log, sending wood chips and splinters everywhere. "We need to kill them before they kill us!"

Dash looked at the pile of grenades I spawned her. "I don't think I can!"

I looked at her, putting my hand on her shoulder. "You need to," I said quietly. "I never thought I'd like you, but here we are."

She smiled at me, a small tear trailing down her face.

I grinned at her. "Just pull the pin and throw them. After that you don't have to worry about anything."

She nodded, determined to do bad. "Get some!" she yelled, throwing a live grenade far into the woods. A second later I heard somebody swear and then a loud explosion rocked the trees.

Everything was quiet after that. No animal calls, no bugs, not even the wind was blowing anymore.

I looked through the iron sights of my PKM, looking for that little scrap of color. That tiny little indication that he was out there. That-

crk~

I spun around, still in my crouch and fired every shot into the woods behind me. Not just into the woods, but into the tree tops and bushes and dirt and everything else.

I heard swearing and shouting.

Reloading, I grabbed a grenade from Dash and tossed it to where the voice ha come from. "Come out, fucker!" I yelled to the second attacker.

Then I saw him.

I pointed my weapon at his chest and fired, tearing him to shreds, then the grenade went off and destroyed those shreds. "One down!" I cheered.

"Two down," a voice said from directly behind me.

I turned, seeing that damn blue shirt.

He smiled at me, pulling the trigger of his revolver.

I jumped forward, taking the bullet in my side instead of my head. Rolling over on my back, I sprayed my remaining bullets into him, reducing him to nothing but paste from the waist up.

I reloaded quickly, getting to my feet and giving myself a health kit. "C'mon, get up," I said to Dash.

She looked at me, a mildly terrified look on her face. "Is it safe?" she squeaked.

I nodded. "Yeah, I got them.

Both of my attackers respawned, giving me dirty looks.

I sneered at them. "What makes you think you could take me out, huh?" I asked them.

"You little cheater!" Serpent shouted at me. "You shot us down during a race!"

"Yeah, what the fuck's wrong with you?!" Viking angrily demanded.

I shook my head and sighed. "Hey Dash?" I said, looking to her.

She looked at me in question.

"Go on back to town. My friends and I need to catch up," I told her.

She nodded. Lifting off the ground, she gave me a quick kiss before she flew off.

My friends both gave me strange looks.

"Is there something you want to tell us?" Serpent asked with a laugh.

My face held no emotion whatsoever. I pulled the hammer on my PKM back, getting that clacking noise I love so much. "You could have killed her."

My friends looked at each other. Then back to me.

I raised my PKM up, ready to fire. "Run."

***

" 'Oh my God!' was the distant call on the wind, entering the ponys' ears.

They looked to the forest, questioning who, or what, was making this sound.

Never before had they heard such a sound, like a scared foal in danger, crying from its fears.

They knew of the dangers with the Everfree, but little of the creatures that to it are bound.

But soon they shall know of a new fear, one of metal and wires, of sparks and gears.

When the trees broke, out came something never before seen by Ponykind, stomping around.

Even the elders of the town, having been there since the beginning have never seen it in all their years.

A monster of mechanical design, one that could spit fire and with each step shook the ground.

In front of the beast, though, fled two smaller creatures, both leaking tears.

As the thing chased them, it terrified the ponies, all of which galloped screaming through the town.

And once the two friends tired, they were caught by the monster that crushed them and flesh it seared.

But not yet, did they perish, they still had one last thing to do. Before they died, they made the back of their pants, brown."

I stared at my friends through the visor of my Mech, charging the screamer. "So, what do you think of my little poem about you two?" I asked them through the loud speaker.

They both just looked at me, scared of the pain they were about to experience.

I laughed, firing my weapon at them.

Nothing happened.

I looked skywards, where the screamer was, well, screaming. What I saw annoyed me greatly. "Really? What the hell?!"

They landed in front of me, dispelling the screamer into nothingness.

I pointed my guns at them and switched to my turrets. "Did you actually do it, or are you just here to say hi?" I asked the two princesses, very annoyed that they stopped me from killing my friends

Luna glared at me. "Is this how you normally treat you friends?"

I smirked at her. "If you think this is bad, you should ask my old friends what I did to them."

The two princesses exchanged a worried glance before looking back to me.

"Would you mind coming out of your... machination?" Celestia asked me.

I snorted, it sounded strange over the com. "Nah, I'm good in here," I told them. "I have air conditioning installed!"

Celestia sighed. "I would prefer it if you would speak to me face-to-face."

"Why?" I asked.

"Because this is an important matter," she said.

"Why?"

"It has to do with you."

"Why?"

"Because you were involved."

"Why?"

"I would like to know the same thing."

"Why?"

"Be-" She took a deep breath. "Because it concerns one of my subjects."

"Why?"

"You did something to her."

"Why?"

"That's what I want to know."

"Why?"

"Because I do!" she screamed. "Get out of that thing!"

"Why?"

She ignited her horn and tipped me over, smashing my Mech and breaking the AC.

I sighed, crawling out and looked at her angrily. "Why?" I asked, gesturing to my now-broken Mech.

I saw the six stooges behind her. In front was Dash and Fluttershy.

"I came to Ponyville to investigate the reason why the Sun was lowered before it was even in the late Afternoon," Celestia started. "When I got here I hear tell that you three," she said, waving her hoof in a large arc to include all of us, "have gone on some kind of adventure, and went missing. Not only that, but Rainbow Dash, one of the bearers of the Elements of Harmony was missing as well."

I groaned, knowing where she was going with this.

"Now," she continued, "just this morning I hear that Rainbow Dash has returned. But when I go to check if she is all right, I see large bruises on her neck and flanks. When I asked her if you were to blame for this, Fluttershy, the Element of Kindness comes to your defense, saying that she too has been involved with you, and that you would never hurt anypony." She gave the Mech a flat look. "And here you are, storming Ponyville with a monster made of metal, trying to kill your own friends. What do you have to say for yourself?" she asked, giving me a hard look.

I scowled at Dash and Fluttershy. "I don't like you anymore."

Author's Note

Poetry? Hmm, I've never considered it before. Maybe I'm on to something here...

You Love It Rough...

"It's not my fault! I was under a lot of stress, and I didn't know what I was doing!" I defended, giving Celestia an innocent look.

She raised a brow at me, clearly not believing me.

I pointed at the two pegasi who got me into this trouble. "They seduced me!" I told her.

She looked at Dash and Fluttershy. Then she looked back at me. Her brow was still raised.

I scowled. "Well... they told me to do it!" I accused, pointing to my friends. "It was their idea to do it, not mine! I'm a victim in this!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Serpent said, holding his hands up defensively. "I did not tell anybody to have sex with a pony. That thought hasn't even crossed my mind since we've been here!"

Viking snickered. "Oh yeah, we sure did," he said sarcastically. "It was our idea to shoot us down too!"

I shook my head. "Don't you two have any loyalty?"

They both laughed like I had just told a hilarious joke.

Celestia cleared her throat, getting our attention.

I scowled at her. "Yeah, yeah, I know. I did something bad and now I'm in trouble... ugh, you'd think that making people happy would be a good thing..."

She gave me a cold look. "You didn't make them happy. You used them."

I snorted, smirking at her. "You're just jealous, aren't you?" I asked her. "You're mad 'cause I did them and not you."

She gave me a shocked look, a very slight shade of red tinting her cheeks. "Excuse me?!" she yelled.

At this point, Dash quickly stepped in front of me. A nervous look on her face. "Uh, what he meant to say was... He's very sorry and he promises never to do anything bad again." She looked back at me. "Right?" she said through a forced smile.

I shrugged. "Your words, not mine."

She gave me a helpless look.

I looked back to Celestia. "So, is there a point to you being here besides making sure I didn't blow up the Sun or anything?"

She gave me a level look. "Yes, in fact. I do have something to tell the three of you."

I rolled my hand. "Aaannnnddd...?"

"We have found the wormhole through which you came here," she told me.

I threw my hands in the air, cheering loudly. "I'm not gonna have to fuck horses anymore! Whoo!"

"But we still need to recreate the portal."

I made a sound similar to creaking wood. "Eeeeeehhhhhhhhh... Heh... heh... heh... I'm gonna have to keep fucking horses..."

Dash kicked my leg, shutting me up.

Celestia narrowed her eyes at me. "My sister and I will attempt to recreate it as soon as possible so you may leave," she said. "But without knowing what the symbols for your world are, we have nothing to go on."

I perked up. "I know!" I then rummaged through my add-ons, looking for the magic circle. Once I had found it, I spawned it in front of them. "This is what brought us here. Just reverse the symbols!"

She eyed the circle curiously. "It's a bit more complicated than that... But this is a base to work from." She looked at me seriously.

I looked at her with a slight scowl.

She spoke. "You are still deep in trouble for endangering the lives of my little ponies. And even more so for using them as you have."

Dash yelled an argument, Fluttershy calmly speaking one.

Celestia silenced both of them with a hoof. "I know you think he hasn't done you any harm. But it will take more than two arguments to convince me otherwise."

I snorted. "How about ten?" I asked.

She gave me a cold look. "Excuse me?"

I chuckled darkly. "I can give you as many arguments as you need," I said mysteriously. "Here, listen to these ones." With that I used my powers as a Gmod God to spawn in ten Rainbow Dashes. The strain gave me a bit of a headache, but the look on all of their faces was worth it.

I put my hand on the nearest Dash's head and smirked at Celestia under my head wrap. "Here's your ten arguments. Need more? I can make hundreds. Thousands even."

Everybody looked at the new Dashes. Even they looked at each other curiously.

After the initial shock wore of, the two princesses gave me wary looks.

"How did you do that?" Luna asked, careful of me.

I laughed. "I'm more powerful than you can even imagine. I can make life..." I waved my hand at the Rainbow Dashes, deleting them. "And I can erase it. All with the wave of my hand."

I created another Dash, rubbing her head. "So Dash, do you think I should be punished for what I did?" I asked the copy.

She smiled at me. "No way! If anypony should be blamed, it's me. I'm the one who kissed you first."

I nodded. "That will be all," I said, deleting her. "So, I'm innocent."

Both princesses glared at me.

"You could have said no," Luna said with venom.

Yeah," I snorted. "I could have. But I didn't."

And let the staring match commence!

We stared at each other, them full of anger and me full of hate. None of us wanted to back down. All of us wanted to win. To beat the other in willpower, in determination. They refused to let me win, and I refused to let myself lose.

I kicked dust in their faces, causing them to blink and rub their eyes. "So, I'll be seeing you two when you have the portal up and running," I said, turning around and quickly walking off. "Tally-ho!"

"Don't get too comfortable here," Celestia warned. "One way or another, you'll soon be gone."

I stopped walking, speaking to them without looking back. "If I die here, so does everything else on this world."

There was a silence hanging in the air thick enough to cut. So thick, I thought maybe they had already left.

"We'll send a letter when the portal is ready," Celestia said, anger clear in her voice.

I pulled my top lip back into a terrible smile. "See that you do," I said, crossing my arms behind my back and walking away from them.

***

"You're so cool, bro," Viking said sarcastically as we sat at that same cafe as before, still on the patio. The only difference was now we were eating as well as drinking ridiculous amounts of freezing liquids to slow our death.

I laughed stupidly. "inorite?!" I said, just as sarcastically as he did.

He finished his soda, tossing the can into a nearby trash can. "You think that not looking at them and walking away all suave and shit makes you a badass? Well, it doesn't!" he laughed.

"Aw, shaddap!" I yelled, throwing my beer can at him and missing by a mile. It instead hit a passing pony in the head, causing her to stumble and fall. She didn't get back up. "Ah c'n do whudevah da fuck Ah wan' to," I slurred, only a little bit drunk.

My friends laughed at my drunkenness, making me angry.

"Hey, fuck you guys!" I shouted, spawning in a Sig Saucer and pointing it at them with a wavy aim.

They both held up their hands, shaking their heads.

I scowled and pulled the trigger, missing them and hitting a signpost. "You's gonna git it!"

They both ran, jumping over the small railing of the cafe.

I threw my pizza at them, falling backwards from the forward momentum of my throw. I landed on my back, hearing a loud cracking noise. "Thank God I'm drunk..." I mumbled to myself.

"Are you okay?" a hyperactive voice asked me.

I looked to my side without getting up. "No, I'm dead," I said, extra heavy on the sarcasm.

Pinkie looked at me oddly, the other five stupid ponies next to her. "You don't look dead. Or sound dead. Or smell dead."

I scoffed. "And what would you know about death?" I asked her.

She smiled and placed a small cupcake on my chest. "Here! Have a taste! They're my 'super-special-ingredient' cupcakes!"

I picked it up and swallowed it whole. I nodded slowly. "Not bad."

She giggled.

I could have sworn I saw her turn a slightly darker shade of pink for a split second. But, I was drunk. So a green elephant wearing a top hat could walk by and I wouldn't even blink at it.

Twilight cleared her throat. "Why are you on the ground? With a weapon in your hand?"

I looked at my Sig, then back to her. "uhuh."

She sighed. "Girls, we might need to postpone lunch. I need to make sure he doesn't hurt anypony, again," she said, looking to the mare laying unconscious in the road.

I shook my head, making myself dizzy as I pushed myself to my feet. "Nonono, I'm fine. I can get home without you," I said, wobbling away from them.

"Do y'all even know where yer goin'?" asked Applejack/Hick.

I thought for a moment, tapping the side of my head with my Sig. "Hhhhmmmm... Nope!"

I heard a sigh. Shortly after there was a hoof on my back pushing me forward. "Don't worry Twi, I'll take him to the library," Dash said as she pushed me forward.

I scowled. "I don't need your help!" I complained as I nearly tripped and fell on the unconscious body of the pony I had knocked out with my beer can.

"Yes you do," she said.

I growled at her, trying but failing to stumble away from her.

She leaned in close to my ear. "When we get to the library we can have some fun," she whispered to me.

I smiled drunkenly. "Promise?"

She kissed behind my ear. "Promise."

I laughed, pulling away from her. "Last one to Twilight's bedroom is a dirty turd!" I screamed, loud enough for the entire town to look at us with raised brows.

Then I set my speed to inf. and took off running faster than the speed of... something really fast. Then I ran into the library door a few milliseconds later.

I pushed the door open, rubbing my semi-broken nose. "Is anybody home?!" I screamed.

"Who's there?" a young voice called out from the kitchen.

I walked over to where the voice came from and saw a small purple lizard. Spike. I hadn't seen him before, but had heard he was a dragon. I guess I expected something... cooler. "Who the fuck are you?" I asked the small lizard.

Spike waved at me from the stool he was standing on. He was wearing a pink frilly apron. "Hi, I'm Spike the dragon! Assistant and best friend to Twilight."

I cocked my head to the side. "Are you a boy or a girl?"

Spike went red in the face, giving me a dirty look. "I'm a boy!" he/she said angrily.

I took a step closer, poking him/her in the chest. "Are you sure?" I asked him/her/it.

Spike puffed up his chest, glaring at me coldly. "Yes! I'm a boy!"

"Then I don't want you here," I said, picking him up by his frills and tossing him out the kitchen window.

He shouting something profane- for a kid- and tried to jump back in the window. Unluckily for him, I locked it.

"What's going on?" Dash asked form behind me.

I turned around and smirked at her. "I was making us alone," I said in a sultry voice.

She smiled and laughed nervously. "Uh, about that. I was just going to get you here..."

I raised an eyebrow at her. "Huh?"

She looked back at the door. "Well, I was just making sure you made it here. Then I was gonna get back to lunch with my friends. But, you can make another me, so..."

I scowled. "You lied to me."

She bit her lip and started flying backwards, her hooves behind her back. "Well, you can still do, uh, y'know, with me. Just make another copy of me to do it with." She was out the door. "I'll see you later!" she said quickly, flying off as soon as she did.

I sighed and closed the door, locking it afterwards. "Whatever... Stupid fucking pony," I mumbled to myself.

I waved my hand in front of me, spawning a new Dash. "You lied to me," I said harshly.

She chuckled and rubbed her foreleg with the other hoof. "Uh, well, I'm here now. So, let's, uh... Why are you holding a machete?"

I smiled serenely. "I promised somebody I wouldn't hurt the ponies that live here. But I didn't say anything about the ones living in my game." I looked my machete over. It was a model from Fallout: New Vegas, the one that the legion used. It was monstrous. I looked back to her. "You promised me fun. I hate liars."

She took a step towards the door. "Uh, w- we can still do it! Just- just put the machete down, and we can take a nice relaxing breath."

I chuckled to myself, sounding completely insane. "We are going to do it," I told her. "What did you think the machete was for?"

Author's Note

OhmyCelestiaRUNRUNRUNRUN!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hehehehehehe!!!!! Come back Dash! I thought you liked it rough!
Go away!
I locked the doors and windows Dash... There's nowhere to run...
S- stay back! I'm warning you!
You might feel just a slight, very slight... horribly painful stabbing sensation.
No, get away!
THERE'S NO BRAKES ON THE RAPE TRAIN!!!!!!!! WHOO!!!!!!!!! WHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't like Spike. Actually, I hate him. Do you hate Spike? Do you like him? Do you have no real feelings? I wonder...

Lovely...

Author's Note

Pre-Warning: This chapter contains evil things. No, really, I'm not kidding this time. This chapter is seriously fucked up. It will in no way hinder you to skip this chapter as you probably know what's going to happen already.
I wanted to do this... I'm not sorry...

...
... Well?
... So... that's the fetish you were talking about...?
Hehehe, yeah... I almost had to stop and calm myself down with some porn three times while I was writing this.
Really? Dude, that's... I think you should see somebody about this.
Eh. I'm into so many things that normal people shouldn't be I could make the cover of a medical magazine. I don't want the attention.
... Well... I'm glad you put that warning there...
Hehehehehe, yeah. It would have been funny if I said this chapter was nice and peaceful though.
...
What? Don't you fucking look at me like that!

Lovely...

"Get away from me!"

"Come back, little pony.~ I just want to play.~"

"No! Go away!"

"You're going to enjoy this, I swear..."

"Aaaahhhhhhh!"

Dash bolted through the kitchen doorway, nearly knocking over the table as she did so. She really was quite scared. "Get away from me! Leave me alone!"

I laughed maniacally as I gave chase, swinging the machete back and forth, just short of her tail. I really was having fun. "Aw, don't run Dash. If you let it happen it'll be over so much slower."

She screamed louder and led me in circles around the library. Since there was nowhere to actually go besides the kitchen, the basement, and Twilight's bedroom, it was all she could do. It actually reminded me of one of those cool old timey movies. The ones without sound, and everybody has to overact to get their points across to the audience.

I laughed to myself, humming the little tune of the movies as I chased her in circles.

"Stop chasing me!" she yelled at me.

I hummed the tune even louder.

"I said we can do it! Just stop and we can! I swear I won't be angry or anything!"

I started singing it out loud.

"Knock it off!"

I started screaming the notes as loud as I could.

She looked back at me. "You're insane!"

I laughed, much like an insane person would. "Pretty, pretty, let me be; the pony to let me see; what you guts appear to be; should you feed them all to me!" I increased my speed, just enough so that I was gaining on her microscopically. I changed my Playermodel to Santa Claus from the Slow NPC pack. It was easily the creepiest fucking thing I had in my game. "It's... dinner time!" I screamed.

Her pupils shank down to pinpricks, almost no color left besides white. "What are you?!"

I laughed again, coming ever closer to her in our circular chase. "HO! HO! HO! MERRY CHRISTMAS LITTLE FILLY! COME SIT ON SANTA'S LAP AND HE'LL GIVE YOU A NICE BIG SURPRISE! HO! HO! HO!"

She screamed again and poured on the speed, pulling farther away from me.

I chortled, my big jelly belly jiggling madly. "HO! HO! HO! NOT SO FAST YOUNG MARE! I HAVEN'T STUFFED YOUR STOCKING YET! HO! HO! HO!"

Something wet hit my face. I could only assume it was a tear.

"Stop it! Just stop it!" she screamed at me. She didn't realize how close I was to her.

I swung the machete, just barely taking off a few hairs on the tip of her tail. "HO! HO! HO! YOU'VE BEEN A NAUGHTY FILLY! IT'S TIME FOR YOUR PUNISHMENT! HO! HO! HO!"

She turned to see me only inches away from her.

I changed my Playermodel again, switching back into my normal bandit model. "You lied to me!" I growled. I grabbed her tail, all but halting her. "You lied to me," I said again, my face no doubt the picture of rage beneath my head wrap

She whimpered a little bit, trying to get away from me. "Let me go! Let go of me!"

I yanked her tail, pulling her back into my chest. "It's time you learn what happens to liars," I hissed, wrapping my machete-less arm around her midsection. "But I'll go easy on you. We'll do it in Edward's bed," I said, laughing to myself.

She struggled a lot while I carried her, kicking and squirming and even biting. But nothing she did loosened my grip on her. "Le' e' go!" she mumbled around my arm, which was currently between her teeth.

I walked up the stairs, smiling grimly to myself. "I'll let you go Dash. I'll let you go as soon as I'm done with you."

She kicked harder as we neared Twilight's room. Desperately trying to get away from me. "Let me go!" she screeched as she thrashed violently in my grip. "Let me go! Let me go! Let me go!"

I shrugged. "Okay."

She stopped thrashing for a second and looked at me hopefully. "Really?"

I chuckled evilly. "Nope!" I said, climbing the last step and approaching the bed.

She screamed. "Somepony! Help me! Help! Please, for the love of Celestia somepony help me!"

I stood over the bed, looking at her in amusement. "And here I was thinking you were tough," I snorted at her. "I guess you're just a little crybaby bitch after all."

She kicked me one last time, trying to get free.

I threw her on the bed harshly, not even giving her time to recover before I was grabbing her by the neck.

She looked at me in terror and rage, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. "D- don't do this," she said quietly. "We can still go back to before. Like we were in the forest. Just let me go."

I tightened my grip on her neck. "That was before I knew you were a liar, Dash," I said calmly, sliding the flat of the rusty blade between her legs. "If you really want to go back to like it was before all of this, you'll take it like the mare you are." I leaned in closely, hovering just above her face. "Just let it happen."

She shook her head and tried to kick away the blade. "No! No, I won't! I c- can't! Jus- j- j... Please..."

I pulled my head wrap off, the glasses too. Smirking evilly, I leaned in and kissed her. I was quite pleased with myself when I got a little gasp from her. I didn't just kiss her though. I kissed her. Like, full blown snogging. Tongue-in-her-mouth-biting-her-lip-and-trying-to-swallow-her-teeth kind of kissing.

She enjoyed it, despite the threatening presence of the machete working at her mare parts. The flat of course, but still.

She kissed me back, smiling into it happily. At one point she even moaned a little when the machete pushed on her privates. She started to work her hips even, getting the flat of the blade to press into her every few seconds.

I pulled away from her, my breathing slightly heavy. "Y'know, I almost just want to fuck you normally now," I said with a small smile.

She gave me a saucy look, kicking her back legs towards me.

My smile turned sick and twisted, widening to the point of hurting me. "Almost," I repeated, twisting the machete so that it was angled to enter her. "Almost," I whispered.

Her eyes widened and he ears flattened against her head.

I pushed the machete into her, forcing it to go as far as it could up her passage. I felt an amazingly satisfying spike of cold go through my body when I heard her scream. Not just scream, but scream! Like the death of the world mixed with the sorrowful wails of a banshee! Like shattering souls and burning lives! Like rusty nails on a chalkboard and the cries of a dying animal! It was beautiful... It was art.

I felt tears fall from my eyes for some reason. It was strange. Strange because I wasn't sad. I was actually laughing so loudly that my throat was burning. I could feel the smile on my face tearing at the corners of my mouth. I was unbelievably happy in that moment. So how could I be crying?

I laughed much like I hear myself laugh in some of my worse nightmares as I fucked her with my machete. I laughed so hard that I was feeling pain. I couldn't even hear the screams over my laughter.

Over and over I thrust the blade as deep as it could go into her little cunny, watching as her blood flowed out like a river. Watching as her eyes go blank and roll up into her head. It made me feel like I was the king of the world.

Though... it wasn't enough.

I twisted the machete when it was as deep as it could go. I heard her scream that time. It was very loud. Laughing, I kept twisting it inside of her, getting more and more screams of agony.

I leaned down and kissed her harder than I ever did before. The feeling of her screams vibrating through my teeth was orgasmic.

I sped up my arm, twisting and thrusting at the same time. I would have laughed at the amount of blood pooling on Twilight's bed, but my mouth was busy with Dash's. My tongue danced with hers, entwining and releasing the other and sharing our tastes. I fucking loved Skittles.

I pulled away from her, letting the lines of saliva drip onto her neck and chest. If it was possible, I smiled even wider as I tightened my grip on her neck, squeezing until she stopped screaming. I could feel her heartbeat through my gloves, pounding furiously against my hand as her body tried to get blood to her brain.

I watched in amusement as she weakly tried to pull off my hand with her hooves. It was hilarious to see her struggling, knowing full well that it was hopeless. But that was one of the things I liked about her: she didn't give up.

"Keep trying Dash!" I cheered her. "Just a bit more of that and I'm sure I'll be forced to let go!"

I kissed her again, quickly getting her taste in my mouth once more. "You taste better when you're dying, did you know that?" I asked her cheerfully.

Her only response was to make more choking noises and try to stop my brutal onslaught on her cunt.

I laughed as I looked down to her ruined marehood. It was quiet the amazing sight. "Absolutely beautiful..."

I pulled the machete up, slicing through the flesh of her cunt and abdomen, freeing the blade from her body in the most spectacular was possible: through solid flesh, ripping everything below her rib cage open and exposing her intestines to me.

I chuckled as I listened to the gurgling sounds she was now making, the blood flowing from her mouth making breathing impossible if my hand alone didn't. Looking over her ruined and dying body, I came to a final decision about something that had been bothering me for a while now. "They're so beautiful when they're dead..." I whispered as I heard the gurgles and gasps stop.

I squeezed her neck until I heard the snap of her spine. Smiling from the sound, I leaned down and kissed her passionately. I was amazed at how sweet the mixture of saliva and blood was. So good, I was lapping up what I could and swishing it around my mouth to get the full flavor out of it. It felt so right. It tasted so good.

I got off of the body and examined it from across the room. It was like a piece of art, not quite understood, but being the most beautiful thing in existence. And I was the one that created it.

I heard a knocking at the door downstairs. It sounded urgent.

Walking down the stairs, I found that the door was caving inward slightly.

I reached the door and pulled it open, finding all six ponies plus the little tranny lizard boy. They looked like they just went through the worst haunted house in history. Or my mind, either works.

I smiled at them. What? "Hehehehehehehehe! Hi! hehehehe..."

Twilight looked me up and down, her eyes widening from the blood covering my front half and smeared on my face. "What happened?!" she gasped.

I raised an eyebrow at her. What do you mean? I was here with Dash. "Hehehe, I'm playing with Dashie! It's so much funny! Hehehehehaahahahaha!"

All of them pushed past me, looking around the library for Dash.

"Rainbow Dash?!" Twilight called, the call being echoed by the others as they searched.

I pointed to the large trail of blood that I made, leading up the stairs. She's up there. But if I were you I wouldn't look. "Follow le red! Red is best color! Red is happy color! Red is fun color! Hehehehe!"

All of the ponies looked to where I was pointing. Then back at me.

Dash, the real Dash, flew up to me slowly, a scared look on her face. "Uh, guy? Can you tell me what exactly happened here?" she asked carefully.

I smiled. You lied to me. I showed you what happens to liars. "So pretty," I said as I stroked her cheek gently. "My Dashie so pretty. Dashie so happy now she not a liar anymore. I made Dashie a good Dashie."

She looked back to her friends.

They gave her scared looks and, except for Fluttershy and Rarity, started climbing up the stairs.

Dash looked back to me. "What did you do?" she asked, seemingly scared of the answer.

I laughed loudly. Go up and check for yourself if you want to know. "I like making my Dashie smile. Dashie loves to smile and I love making Dashie happy. I love you my Dashie. Heh... heh... hehehehehehhahahahahahahaaahaah!"

A scream that could shatter glass a mile away could be heard from upstairs.

I snorted a laugh. "Fucking idiots. I told them what was up there."

That's Love In My Book...

I patted Dash on the back, making soothing sounds for her as she puked in Twilight's toilet. This had been going on for a while now, at least ten minutes. At this point it was more dry heaving than actual vomiting. "Shh, shh... It's okay. Don't worry, I'm here for you..." I cracked a smile, my bloody teeth glistening on the dim light. "Yes, I'm here for you Dash... I'm here..."

She smacked my forehead with a wing, making something sounding like a complaint and an unladylike insult mixed together.

I rubbed her back between her wings, massaging the base of her wings. "I know you're probably freaked out... And I know I've said it before... But you did lie to me. And I was partially drunk at the time. So, all in all, it's not really my fault."

She tried to whap me with her wing again, but I dodged it. "Go away..." she mumbled, her head still in the toilet. It was actually quite impressive to do, considering most of her friends had already used it to puke in. The smell was deathly.

I chuckled, pinching the very base of her wing and getting a squeal out of her. "I killed you, so no. Now I have to clean up the mess I made."

She groaned, gagging again. "And how're you going to do that...?"

I smirked. "By deleting the evidence that it happened," I said, snapping my fingers. The sound of deleting in Gmod reached my ears. "All done!"

She pulled her head out of the toilet and glared at me. "You're such a jerk," she growled. She swatted at me with a hoof to get past me and walked out of the bathroom, joining her friends in the front room of the library.

I walked out, a stupid grin on my face. "Well, anybody else need me to slap them on the back while the hurl up their guts?" I asked pleasantly.

All of the ponies groaned and made a sick face.

I snickered at their discomfort. "You're all lightweights. You should really toughen up if I'm going to be hanging around you guys for much longer."

Twilight glared at me coldly. "Thank goodness you won't be. I'm telling the princesses what you did, and then you'll be taken care of."

I raised an eyebrow at her. "What did I do?" I asked, gesturing the the now-pristine stairway and floor. "There's nothing you can give her but your word. And once she sees that Dash and I are still very much in love, she'll think you're either a liar, or just exaggerating something that was much less than what happened."

She gave me a hard look. "I'm not a liar, though! You killed Rainbow Dash!"

I rubbed Dash's head, giving Twilight a toothy smile. "Twilight, you're lying... I hate lairs..."

"We aren't in love," Dash said, breaking the eye contact Twi and I were making.

I shrugged. "We fuck and I like you. Love stories by best selling authors in my world do less than that and are called masterpieces. In my book, liking somebody is as close to loving them as it gets."

"You actually like somebody? Wow, that's crazy," a familiar voice said to me.

I turned with a lopsided grin. "Well, look what the skunk dragged in," I snarked.

Viking laughed. "Look who's talkin'! You smell like piss and blood, man."

I looked at myself. I was indeed covered in blood. Piss? Well, I didn't think so... "Eh, just the hazards of work," I told them as I renewed my Playermodel, effectively cleaning myself. "So, what brings you to the crime scene? Here to accuse Captain Custard of doing it with the letter opener in the library?"

The both chuckled at my comparison.

"No, we heard the screams from down the road and figured you had something to do with them," Serpent told me. "We would have came in and checked what was happening but the door was locked. So we just decided to go blow some things up with nukes."

Twilight gave them an unbelieving look. "You were here and you didn't see what was happening?!"

Viking shrugged. "It's not my fuckin' problem," he said simply.

I laughed, patting him on the shoulder. "I've taught you well, my son," I said in a deep voice.

As I said that, Viking shrunk down to about three feet tall. "Thanks daddy!" he said in a high pitched voice.

I blinked. "How the fuck did you do that?"

He crossed his arms across his chest. "Gimme ten bucks and I'll tell ya," he said in his slightly nasal voice.

I scowled and picked him up by the back of his shirt. "Tell me, or you'll get the belt," I threatened.

His eyes widened. "No! I'll talk! Just use the Player Re-Sizer!"

I dropped him on the ground, laughing to myself. "Thanks kid," I said sarcastically. I then opened up my add-ons and searched for it. Once I located it, I smiled. "Ten years old, here I come!"

Then everything got bigger.

I quickly switched to the Human Hunter Playermodel, coloring my hoodie black and spawning in a pair of headphones to blast heavy metal music.

All of the ponies were looking at me in shock.

I looked at them all like I was bored. "What're all you losers lookin' at?" I asked in a much higher pitched voice than normal.

Pinkie zoomed up to me, a huge smile on her face. "Oh my gosh! You're soooooo cute!" she exclaimed.

I rolled my eyes. "Whatever freakazoid. Just chill out and we'll be cool," I said, channeling my inner kid.

She smiled ever brighter. "We can be cool?! Like Rainbow Dash?! That's so super-" she stopped herself and cleared her throat. "I mean, that's cool," she said casually, leaning against a nearby wall.

I snickered into my hands. "You guys are dumb. Like, really dumb, like, way dumb."

Twilight gave me a curious look. "Are you actually... a child?"

I scoffed. "Are you actually... an idiot?" I snarked at her.

Viking laughed and we fist-bumped.

Applejack shook her head. "Yep, he's a kid alright," she said with slight annoyance in her voice.

I puffed up my chest. "I ain't no kid! I'm already registered on three porn sites and made out with a girl! You're a kid you stinkin' pit-sniffer!"

Dash stifled a laugh.

I turned my scowl to her. "Hey, shut up!" I yelled angrily. "I totally made out with Jenny in the girls bathroom! I swear!"

Now it was time for all of them to crack up laughing. Even Fluttershy.

I could feel my eyes burn from a build-up of coming tears. "Shut up you jerks!"

They laughed even harder.

"Stop laughing at me! I'm not lying!" I yelled at them furiously.

Twilight gave me a look. "Of course you're not," she said, pretty sarcastically. "I'm sure we all believe you."

I scowled at her, the rage burning inside of me like a bonfire. "I said stop it, butt-muncher!"

She broke up laughing again from my insult. She just pushed me too far.

I felt myself move before I could do anything. I kicked Twilight in the knee and heard it make a slightly unhealthy cracking noise. "You're all a bunch of chodes! I hate you all!" I screamed, running out the front door. I could feel tears making their way down my face as I ran. I didn't care, I didn't care about anything. Everything was stupid. I hated it! I hated them!

***

I sat in a treetop somewhere in the Everfree forest. I had a baseball bat with me in case there was some kind of monster or something.

I sniffed, wiping my nose with the back of my sleeve. "Stupid frickin' jerks," I mumbled to myself. I sniffed again as the tears got under my nose. "I wish they were all dead," I said angrily. "I want to kill them. I want them to die. I want to kill them. I-" I sniffed again, wiping the tears off my face with my wet sleeve.

I closed my eyes, putting one hand to my head. "Ah, my frickin' head!" I hissed out. It felt like there was little pieces of glass grinding around in my skull.

"It's their fault!" I growled, smacking the tree with my bat. "It's their fault I'm here! It's their fault I'm mad! It's! All! Their Fault!" I screamed, each syllable complimented with a smack to the tree from my bat. On one powerful swing, I broke the branch I was sitting on and fell from the tree. "You stupid tree! I hate you!" I yelled as I pushed myself up. "I hate everything!" I screamed loudly and started bashing the tree mercilessly with my bat.

"Die!"

clump

"Die!"

clump

"Die!"

clump

"Die!"

clump

"Just die you stupid tree!"

My bat broke, the top of it flying off somewhere into the forest.

I gave off a noise between a growl and a shriek and spawned myself another one.

"Before you do any more damage to that tree, we want to talk with you."

I spun around, wiping the tears off my face with my sleeve. "Go away!"

Twilight flinched back from the volume of my voice, but stood strong. After all, her friends were there with her. "I know we made you angry, and it was wrong to laugh at you," she said.

"Go away!"

She gave me a sad look. "We wanted to apologize to you. We're sor-"

I pointed the bat at her. "I don't care if you're sorry! Get the frick away from me!"

She took a small step forward, wincing slightly from the kick I gave her. "What can we all do to show you that we're sorry?" she asked me, a small smile on her face.

I readied my bat to swing. "You can all die," I said venomously.

They gasped.

Despite the tears flowing down my face, I laughed. "Yeah, that's it... Die. I want you all to die." I took a step forward. I looked at the bat in my hands and tapped in on my opposite palm. "I'm so angry," I said calmly as I took another step forward. "I could kill you all right now..." I looked at them, a peaceful smile on my face. "Yeah... Yeah... I could just... beat you all to death. Nobody'd ever know..."

They all took a step back from me.

I giggled lightheartedly, my smile growing. "Oh, the things I'm gonna do to you... First, I'm gonna... tear your eyes out." I took a step closer. "Then... Then, I'll smash your teeth in." Another step. "And then... I'm gonna... rip off your legs." I laughed to myself, eyeing my bat. "Yeah... That's what I'm gonna do..."

Twilight laughed nervously. "Oh, well, uh... I'm sure there's no need for violence, is there? I'm certain that we can solve this in a nice, peaceful, happy, and non-violent way," she said, smiling at me hopefully. "Maybe over tea?"

I felt tired for some reason, like my body was heavy. "You make my head hurt," I said.

Then I blinked and I was laying on Fluttershy's bed, an ice pack on my head. "The hell just happened?" I asked the air around me.

I looked at myself, seeing that I was back to a normal adult but was still using the Human Hunter model. I felt too tired to do anything to change it, so I just looked around for something that could tell me why I was here. I groaned loudly when I couldn't find anything within the first ten seconds and gave up the search.

Getting no answer from the O2 in the room with me, I got up and left the room. ~~Downstairs held... fonder? No...~~

Getting no answer from the O2 in the room with me, I got up and left the room. Downstairs held less less-fond memories than the bedroom did. "Heller?~" I called out.

Fluttershy appeared from the kitchen, balancing a small cup on one wing. "Oh wonderful, you're awake! I was starting to get worried."

I took the cup from her and sipped it. It was quite tasty. "Why were you worried?"

She flew up to eye level and put her hoof on my forehead, frowning. "You passed out after, uhm, threatening us... And, well, I took you back here to make sure you were okay."

I rolled my hand. "Aaaaannnndddddd?"

She frowned again, putting her hoof back on my forehead. "You had a temperature of two-hundred and five! And from the looks of it, it's getting worse!"

I drained the small cup and set it down on the small table in her living room. "So, I don't have much time left..." I sighed. "It looks like I'll be leaving in the next few days, or I'll be dead."

She gave me a sad smile. "Well, you know if there's anything I can do to make you feel better, I'll do it," she said encouragingly.

I raised an eyebrow, a dark smile playing at my lips. "Anything? Well, there is one thing..."

Author's Note

No, I didn't use stupid swear words when I was a kid. I learned to swear before I leaned to spell my name. To this day, "Fuck!" is my favorite thing to say in any situation.

I Love Road Trips...

"It's beautiful..."

"What is it?"

"It's artwork at its finest."

"It doesn't look like art."

"What do you mean?"

"It's just a molded hunk of metal and fiberglass."

I gasped in horror, making a disgusted face at Twilight. "How... dare you?!" I accused, hugging my black 2008 Saleen S331 Supercab. "It's okay baby, I know you're special. I love you, yes I do!" I whispered to it in a baby voice. The stares I got from the ponies were quite odd, to be sure.

I cleared my throat, scowling at them. Well, the one that was in front of me. Rarity left because she's a cunting bitch, Applejack was at her farm with her family, Pinkie was being annoying somewhere I wasn't, thank God, and Fluttershy had told me she had some chores to take care of. That left only Twilight to piss me off, and Dash to support me when Twilight did piss me off. Which she was doing, right at that very moment in fact.

Dash poked her head out the passenger window, smiling unrealistically widely. "Twilight, are you kidding?! This thing is awesome!"

Twilight's eyes widened at seeing Dash inside of my truck. "Rainbow Dash get out of there! It could be dangerous!"

She scoffed. "As if! Watch this!" she shouted from the cab. She then pressed her hoof on the horn and the song La Cucaracha blared from the truck, nearly deafening both me and Twilight. "How cool is that?!" she squealed.

I laughed, rubbing the side of my beloved truck gently. "Very, Dash. Very..."

Twilight groaned and facehoofed. "And why in Celestia's name did you make it?"

I raised an eyebrow at her. "To go to the castle, fuckin-duh. How else was I going to get there?" I asked harshly.

Now it was her turn to raise a brow. "You can fly," she said flatly.

I nodded. "Yeah, so?"

Her brow came up further. "And you can make flying machines."

I nodded again, getting annoyed at her. "Yeah, and?"

She stuttered a few things that sounded like insults and exasperated sigh-groans. But after a few seconds of trying to figure out what she wanted to do she simply shook her head. "I'll meet you at the castle then. Just try not to hurt Rainbow Dash."

I sniggered as she walked off, still shaking her head. Looking back to my truck, I smiled fondly. "Ah, the times I've had with you..."

Dash peeped out of the window again, smiling excitedly. "Really? You've done cool things with this?"

I nodded slowly. "Yeah. Took a midnight drive down the Lakeshore, took a drunk mid-day drive into a school, took a drunk evening drive down the street and killed a few dozen people, took a drunk morning drive into a high-security military compound and killed everyone, drunkenly ran other vehicles off the road and killed the drivers, drunkenly ran an ambulance off the road and caused a major accident killing dozens and injuring even more..." I sighed, nodding slowly. "Good times... Good times..."

I looked at Dash, who had a mildly horrified look on her face. "So, you up for the drive?" I asked.

She nodded hesitantly. "Uh... s- sure! Heck yeah, let's go!" She then disappeared back into the cab. I assumed she was praying to whatever it was ponies prayed to that she would live through this.

I walked around to my side of the truck and got in. The leather interior felt so nice beneath my ass. I sighed and looked at all the buttons, knobs, and switches. "It's beautiful. It's fucking beautiful."

Dash gave me an odd look. "How come you've never called me beautiful?"

I smirked at her. "Because you're not."

She took on a look of severe offense.

I laughed. "Calm down, I didn't mean it like that. I meant that you're not beautiful because you're hot, with just a Dash of sexy," I said, winking at her.

She snickered. "That's so corny. But I like it."

I started the truck, getting that lovely roar of the engine. "I knew you would, that's why I said it."

She gave me a certain kind of look. "You know what I like, huh?" she asked quietly.

I raised an eyebrow at her. "Yes, I do. Would you like to sit on my sticks?"

She looked confused. "Sticks? Like, more than one?"

I nodded and gestured to the two sticks that controlled the four-wheel drive. "Think you can shift the gears with your hips?" I teased.

A dirty smile came across her face. "No problem."

I chuckled to myself. "Great. Now, since you're using your body to shift those gears..." I said, unzipping my pants and unleashing the beast that rests within, "How about you use your mouth to shift mine?"

She gave me a predatory grin, showing me a lot of teeth. "I bet I can get you off in ten seconds flat."

I raised my eyebrow at her, smiling lopsidedly. "I think you need to be about twenty percent cooler."

"Is that a challenge?" she said threateningly.

I leaned in close to her. "Only if you're mare enough to accept it," I hissed in her face.

She crossed her forelegs and nodded. "Challenge accepted."

I gestured to the sticks, then to myself. "Ready when you are, Lamebo Clash."

She glared at me.

I clacked my teeth at her. This is going to be fun...

***

About seven hours later we pulled into the courtyard of Canterlot castle, knocking down the metal gates and probably injuring about ten guards. We swerved in and out of the set path, destroying probably thousands of dollars worth of landscaping. When I reached the inner gates I went right through them, luckily enough the guards learned to move. Then I ran over more pricey flowers and bricks, and I think I might have hit a pony or two. But sure enough, we reached the spot where a flashy guard was standing next to about fifty other non-flashy guards.

I slammed on the brakes just before I ran them down, letting the rumbling of the engine scare them a bit.

The flashy guard trotted over to the driver side and stood on his hind legs to see inside of the cab. His eyes widened to the point of nearly exploding.

Dash was sitting on my lap with her hooves tightly gripping the steering wheel while I was working the pedals. Her eyes were clamped shut tightly and she was pouring more sweat out of her than a waterfall does water. Her wings were standing so erect that they could snap off at the touch of a feather and gently throbbing up an down every half-second.

I was topless, sweating even more than she was and could barely breathe. I also had multiple bruises on my body from things that transpired during the drive. My neck, head, and a few other areas were pulsing about four times every quarter-second.

But as he looked downward...

My lower stomach was drenched in fluids best unnamed, and the same could be said for Dash, only more. Dash had more of one particular fluid on her lips and a few streaks across her face. The same could be said about me with the other fluid.

"We're-" gasp for breath, "-here!" gasp for breath. "Get-" gasp for breath, "-off!" gasp for breath.

She shook her head, bouncing her hips on mine viciously. "Not-" gasp for breath, "-done-" gasp for breath, "-yet!" gasp for breath.

I think I whimpered. Or maybe it was her, I have no clue. My entire world was nothing but pain and pleasure mixed together sadistically. I could smell blood, I could hear my heartbeat, I could taste the smell in the air, I could see spots and black lines, and I could feel the blood pumping through my body faster than a bullet.

Then I could hear Dash scream in horrible pain as she finished with me, her beaten and bruised body trying its damnedest to take me with it.

I felt my life being ripped out as I lost control. My very soul being torn out by the roots and shredded into a million pieces.

I let a pained smile fall across my lips as I numbly flopped my head to the side to look at the guard staring at us in open-mouthed, wide-eyed shock. Then I heard something thud against the door below where the guard's head was. Maybe about waist level.

Author's Note

Short chapter? Unheard of!
I'm writing the next chapter right now dude, chill your tits.
Oh... Well, write it faster!
I think I'm going to go make a sandwich first, just because you told me to hurry.
Sigh...

All Is Fair In Love And War...

Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip.

That was all anybody could hear as Dash and I followed the guards to meet with the princesses. They tried not to look at the two of us, but I would catch a sidelong glance and meet it with a nasty smirk. I was getting a lot of those glances from maids, and not a small amount of the female guards either. Speaking if female guards, there was quite a few of them that wanted to tackle me to the ground and restrain me when we first arrived. And strangely enough a particularly eager male as well.

The general- as he introduced his rank to us- forbade it though, a slightly angry look on his face.

But now our brave general Fine Blade- his name- was leading the party of guards through the castle with us in the middle of it. It was pretty slow moving, for reasons such as Dash could barely stand, so she was leaning on me as I stumbled gracelessly down the halls. I think I should also mention that I was completely naked.

Yeah, apparently my mini-me was bruised and sore to the point of counter-numbness. But once the adrenaline wore off and the feeling came back, it felt like a colony of fire ants was making space in my piece to live. The feeling of Dash's tail running along my piece was enough to bring me to tears, so I wasn't about to find out what rough cloth felt like. And the worst part about it was that the health kits needed to be injected at the spot of injury, so... no.

Dash had the same feeling in her bits and pieces as well, so she refused to even think about wiping herself clean, just as I had refused it. So we walked the hall with stained bodies from the stomach down to our legs. Though it was worse for her because I could at least hide mine. She was too afraid of her tail touching her sensitive spots to let it anywhere near her backside.

So with every step we took some of our fun-time juices would drip off on to the pristine floor of the castle. I would have smiled at the misfortune of the maids if it weren't for the pain.

"It hurts," Dash whimpered at my side.

I rubbed her back gently. "I know it does. I know..."

The general cleared his throat, stopping in front of a large pair of doors. I could only assume they led to the throne room. "Once inside you will... behave yourselves. Understood?" he asked stiffly.

I waved my hand at him, nearly falling over. "Who died and made you boss?"

He didn't respond. Instead he pushed the doors open with his hooves. He must have been pretty strong to manage that, because the doors were easily ten times my height and five times my width.

We walked into the throne room and I was nearly blinded by how it looked. It must have been night or evening when I first got here, because the room was almost literally gleaming. The shiny white marble seemed to give off light of their own as the Sun came through the windows and hit the floor and walls. But the shiniest thing was easily the large throne made of gold in the center of the room. It practically screamed "Steal me!" in my face.

I didn't get to though, because my friends were there distracting me. They looked horrible.

Serpent's nose was bleeding badly and the veins were showing under his skin. His hair looked dead and his eyes were glassy and distant.

Viking was even worse off. He had the nose bleed, but his mouth and eyes were dripping blood as well. Half of his hair was gone and there were large patches of skin missing from any parts of his body that was exposed to me. I thought I could even hear him wheezing from where I was standing.

I was standing in front of Celestia, Luna, and Twilight before I even knew what was happening. I must have zoned out. I looked at their faces and nearly died of laughter.

Celestia looked like something broke in her brain and was staring blankly at Dash and I, Luna's mouth was opening and closing like a fish out of water, and Twilight had possibly the biggest blush on her face that I had ever seen in my life, anime included.

I smiled cockily. "Ladies..." I said smoothly. Then I distinctly remember the world sliding sideways before I met darkness.

***

I felt a tingling sensation on my private bits. Not the worst way to wake up, for sure.

I opened my eyes and looked around. The first thing I noticed was my piece standing at attention with a light yellow glow around it. The second thing I noticed was a unicorn mare in a nurse's outfit with a bigger blush than Twilight's. She had a tannish coat and a light brown mane and tail. Her mark was a thermometer over a band-aid. But the thing that drew my attention was a light yellow glow around her unicorn horn. The same glow that was around my stiff friend.

"Can I help you?" I asked angrily.

She screamed. Very loudly.

"Is everything all right in there?!" a voice called from behind her.

She turned towards a door I just then noticed. "It's fine, Rush! Just stay there!" she shouted to the voice.

I scowled. "Again, can I help you with something?" I growled. I tried to sit up but she stopped me with a hoof.

"I was assigned to treat your..." her red face darkened fractionally, "... Um, pain... The princess told me to do everything in my power to have you up and around as quickly as possible."

I raised an eyebrow at her. "Why aren't I in the hospital then?"

She looked uncomfortable at my question. "Well, with your..." her face darkened even further, "... problem... I have to treat it like this. And some of the other patients in there... well... uh..."

I sighed. "Let me guess. They don't want to see you giving me a free handjob with your magic?"

Her face got darker still.

Before she could speak I gently tapped the very tip of myself. It hurt, but it was nothing compared to before. A few more minutes and I could probably act like nothing happened.

"You shouldn't do that while I'm giving treatment," she said.

I chuckled to myself. "Y'know, magic doesn't even affect me. How it's tingling, I don't know."

"The princesses managed to create a matrix that could affect you. So now I can heal you," she glared at me, "and hurt you."

I grinned and wrapped my hand around myself, getting a good bit of cock-sweat on my palm. After that I reached out to her and ruffled her mane.

She made a noise similar to a scared mouse and closed her eyes. But still her horn worked at my sore piece.

I laughed and thought of a terrible plan. "Oh, yes! Yes! Harder! Faster! Do it to me baby, yeah!" I screamed loudly. Probably loud enough for the entire castle to hear. "You work that dick! You're the best, girl! Nobody does it like you do it!"

Her eyes shrunk down to pinpricks as she looked at me in horror.

I gave her a dastardly smile. "Do it! Do it harder! Oooohh, yeah baby! Just like that!"

"Shut up!" she hissed at me.

"This is the best ever! Not even Twilight has magic like this! Oh my God, this is amazing!"

The door was then promptly smashed open, revealing a very angry and embarrassed purple pony. Twilight, to be exact.

I gave her a smile and a wave, not using my hands. "Hey Twilight, how's it hanging?"

Then I remember tasting purple and smelling the screams of the souls trapped in Hell. I could see the sound of velvety fur.

***

"You know I was just fucking with you, right?" I laughed as I stood in front of the two princesses and Twilicorn. I refuse to accept her as a princess since she rules over nothing. Plus, I don't like her.

The three of them gave me cold looks.

I shrugged. "It was funny to me, and that's was counts. Anyways!" I clapped my hands together. "You wanted me here. What do you want?"

Celestia sighed and walked over to the window dramatically. "You may have noticed it in your time here that Equestria is a peaceful nation, devoid of the corruption of your world. A beacon of light, if you will."

I shrugged. "Eh, I've seen better. It's all a matter of perspective, really."

She ignored my comment and moved on. "This land has not seen war and strife since Nightmare Moon."

I nodded. "Oh yeah, I remember Twilight saying something about that. Your sister went batshit crazy and tried to take over the world and killed a bunch of people, right?"

Luna gave Twilight a dirty look.

She chuckled nervously. "His words, not mine!"

Celestia sighed. "Yes, that is a rather vulgar summary of what happened, but it is for the most part correct. However, beyond our borders, everything isn't peaceful like you know it to be here."

I raised an eyebrow at this. "Is that so...?"

She nodded grimly. "Indeed. The Minotaur clans are almost constantly at war with each other, the Griffons are always trying to oust one another for political power, the Changelings are always scheming to take over the world as we know it, the Saddle Arabians and the Zebricans are being harassed by the tribes of Jackals that live in the desert between the two nations, the Diamond Dogs to the North are becoming restless, and even the Dragons are becoming aggressive as their territory expands." She sighed heavily, like telling this to somebody lifted some kind of weight from her. "And in the middle of it all, we have alliances to all of them, barring the Jackal tribes and the Diamond Dogs. We're constantly trying to calm tensions between them all, but it gets harder every passing year. Soon enough, there could be war."

I worked my jaw side-to-side. "So... tell them all to fuck off," I said.

She looked at me, slightly annoyed.

"No, seriously," I said. "You control the power of the Sun, Moon, and stars. If war comes to your country, just magic up a little self-contained environment bubble shield and let the Sun scorch them all into dust. If they want to fight, make a shooting star fall on their army when they're all sleeping at night."

She gave me a thoughtful look. "What you say is possible, yes. But in my hooves, could you do that to another being?"

"Yep," I replied with a smile. "You know what I'm willing to do to protect myself. Add another few thousand bodies to that, and that will multiplies those thousand times. It becomes those thousand times stronger." I gave her a very serious look. "If I cared for the lives of the ponies like you do, I would drown the planet in acid rain and rebuild it just for them. Something so small as reducing an invading force of Minotaurs to ash or burning the Jackals out of their homes and slaughtering them as they run wouldn't even cause me to lose sleep if I knew it would keep the ones I care about safe."

She gave me a saddened look. "And what if they hated you for it? What if the ones you burned the world for cursed your name?"

I laughed. "I would finish making the world peaceful for them. Then when I was sure nothing could happen, I would walk out into the streets and give the first person I saw my gun. I would say that if he thinks he could do a better job than I did, he should kill me and take my place."

Celestia raised a brow. "And if he does kill you?"

I shrugged. "Then my troubles are over. I get to take a break and get some rest."

She looked at me for a long time before she finally smiled. "Even though you're a terrible person, I believe that you would make an excellent king. In a way, you remind me of my father. Albeit more rash and violent, but still just as passionate about protecting the ones you love."

I snorted. "Love? What a joke. Love has nothing to do with wanting to keep people safe."

She raised a brow at me in question. "Really? Why is that?"

"Love is nothing more than a chemical process in your brain that sends an all-around 'feel-good' sensation to your body. It's proven by science that it's nothing more than reactants and pheromones. Not some fate-made mushy bullshit that people think it is." I looked at her angrily. "That's your problem right there. You're too scared to hurt the right people that you'll get the wrong people killed. You think you love them when all it is is a feeling of responsibility blown way the fuck out of proportion."

She took on a look of confusion. "What do you mean?"

I scowled. "You want to keep everybody safe. But they want to take over and kill their enemies. If you keep playing mother to the world, you'll lose the only thing that should matter to you. And when you lose that, I know for a fact that it'll be the world that you so dearly wanted to protect that'll pay the price in the end.

"You're a goddess, you get to act like one. You get to chose who lives and dies, who prospers and who perishes. You get unlimited power, so you get unlimited responsibility. But not to those outside that power."

I spread my hands out to her. "Do you get what I'm saying?"

She blinked at me. "I know this, but..." A single golden tear ran down her face. "Why must I be the one to make these decisions? Why must I be the one who gets to play God? Why me? Why not somepony else? Why does anypony get that power?"

I sighed and shook my head. "I don't know. I'm not the one that gave you these powers, the universe is. Just like the universe created your mother and father, it created you and your sister. It created me. It created the air we breathe. It created the food we eat. It created the materials you used to make this castle we're standing in.

Do we really get to question it? Is it our place to want a different life, or a different role in the world?" I shook my head. "I have no idea. I know that I wanted a different life. I wanted a better life. But I didn't get it because that's not what the universe wanted. Hell, I couldn't even work up the guts to kill myself because the universe wanted me to live. The universe needs balance, and everything in it contributes to that balance. You help the ponies here, and I make everybody around me miserable.

There was nothing but peace in Equestria, right? So maybe, just maybe, your universe and my universe got together and made some kind of a plan for us. You don't like it, and I don't like it, but it's not our place to question it. All we can do is go along with it until the plan sees its end and I can leave you to your peaceful lives."

A few more tears had fallen since the beginning of my little speech. But even still, she was smiling at me. "For someone as hot-head, ill-tempered, and foul-mouthed as you, that was incredibly insightful."

I shrugged. "I play a lot of video games," I said simply. "Anyways, what the hell did you want me for? Because I somehow doubt it was political advise."

She gave a musical laugh. "Yes, that is true. Although your advise was indeed helpful, you and your friends are here for another reason."

I looked around me. "Where are they anyway?" I asked.

"They're in the hospital wing getting their injuries treated," she told me. "It seems that they haven't fared as well as you have in your time here."

I shrugged. "Sounds about right. So, about that thing you wanted to talk about..."

She looked back out the window, a frown playing at her lips. "The issue has been addressed once already, and I thought it had been resolved. But it seems that peaceful talking hasn't gotten through to him." She sighed, blinking slowly before looking at me. "Do you see that mountain range off in the distance?" she asked me.

I looked out the window and nodded. "Yeah, very Lord of the Rings-y in my opinion."

Her frown deepened. "On that tall mountain near the center is a dragon. He is very old and powerful, and poses a threat to this land."

I raised an eyebrow at her. "Uh, okay? That's nice?"

She gave me a very serious look. "I need you to kill him."

My Princess, My Fool, My Love...

"WWWWHHHHHEEEEEEERRHRRRHRHWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!! I get to kill a dragon!" I saw Celestia cringe away from my voice, but I didn't care. "A real live, fire breathing, people eating, town smashing, treasure hording, fucking dragon! This is so fucking cool!"

Celestia cleared her throat.

"Aw, I'm gonna have to tell Viking and Serpent about this! I'm a fucking dragon slayer!"

Celestia cleared her throat loudly.

"Once I cut his head off I can get all the gold! It'll be so fucking rad, dude!

"I know, it's awesome! I can't wait to go!

"I'm going to need some supplies, but- Ah, fuck it! I'm a mighty knight, I need no supplies!

"Yeah, who needs supplies?! We'll go in all badass with our coat blowing in the wind and the Sun at our back silhouetting us in "darkness- Oh, fucking rad dude!

"I know!"

I looked at Celestia with an excited smile on my face. "When do I leave?!"

She looked confused. "Were you just talking with... yourself?" she asked me.

I shook my head. "No, I was talking to some of the aliases I made for myself. Why would I talk to myself when I could talk with them?"

She was quiet for a few seconds before she spoke. "Once your friends are ready to go, you'll all be given directions for getting there."

I smiled.

I put on my Knight Playermodel- the really badass one from the Game of Thrones Knights add-on, gotknight4- and spawned myself a large arsenal of back-in-the-day weapons. A gigantic sword that was as long as my body and half as wide, a mace that was bigger than me covered in spikes, a crossbow with dozens of bolts, a dozen small knives across my chest, and two large cleavers on either hip.

I took to a kneeling pose in front of Celestia. "Your Highness, I shall not fail you in this mission. If you will me to fight the terrible dragon, I shall. Though I may perish in this task you set forth for me, I will do my utmost to ensure that the great beast is slain dead."

I raised her hoof gently up to my face and pulled my visor up, giving the dainty hoof a small kiss before releasing it. "Though we may be of different worlds, I will prove to you that I am worthy of your love."

Celestia drew back uncertainly. "Uh, that is... good. But we must wait for your friends before we can proceed."

The world in which I was in faded slightly, but kept going.

I smiled at her fondly as I rose, adoring her beauty in a way no other could. I felt my heart swell as the light of the hearth danced in her eyes. Both alluring and forbidding at the same time, her frame against the open window of her quarters amazed me.

As the flurries of snow and ice blew by, I could not help but imagine that I was bringing wrong into this world by loving her. But as my gaze once again met with hers, those poisonous thoughts fled my mind. Instead, thoughts of us filled their spots. Thoughts of our future together in the kingdom.

I smiled. "Do you remember the time we first met? Under that enormous oak in the grounds?"

Her eyes were uncertain, but after a few seconds they lit up with recognition. "Oh yes, a Tuesday, was it not?" she said.

I nodded. "Yes, it was indeed a Tuesday. Tell me, do you remember what happened after you saw me for the very first time? What you said?" I asked, a laugh in my voice.

She giggled musically. "Oh yes, I remember. How could I forget?"

We both laughed.

"I called the guards," she said.

"Even though I told you not to," I said.

"And they came and tried to restrain you..."

"But I fought them off..."

"And I was terrified."

"And I told you that I never meant to cause you any harm, but that I was from another world and was seeking aid."

"Then I asked you your name."

"Then I told it to you and you laughed."

"It is a strange name," she said with a giggle.

"It's not where I come from."

She smiled at me. "Maybe it was how I said it. You say it and I'll try not to laugh."

I smiled at her. "M'lady, I am Kurt, son of Allan, brother of Gregory, Knight of the First, Second, Third, and Fourth realm of Regius, heir to the legacy of the line of Bolaird, recognized sheriff and legal diplomat of the Kingdom of Main Star. It is a pleasure to meet you, under any circumstances."

She giggled again. "Kurt," she said. "It really is a strange name for Equestria."

"I hope that does no dissuade you from accepting me as your husband one day. Hopefully in the near future?" I ventured.

She smiled serenely and caressed my jaw line with her hoof. "Maybe, my knight. Maybe if my sister woul-"

"To Tartarus with your sister!" I growled, shocking her.

"K- Kurt!" she gasped.

"I am sorry M'lady, but your sister has done nothing but cause you heartache and grief since the death of your alchemist. It pains me to see you suffer, and I wish that I could do something to help you."

She smiled at me sadly. "There is, I'm afraid. The dragon. Perhaps if you slay the beast, we can be together. Perhaps my sister will see that you are no mere fool in armor."

I smiled at her, leaning in closely. "M'lady, for you, I am a fool in armor. I am your fool in armor."

"Oh Kurt, you know we can't..." she said, trailing off. "If anyp-" but she was cut off as our lips met.

Deep was the kiss. Deep, loving, lustful, wanting, needing, all these things and more could describe it. But I used only one word. Our. It was our kiss. Forever, it would be our kiss. Until the next one, and the one after that, and so on until the end of my short life here.

I pulled away, not wanting, but needing to.

Celestia's eyes widened as she looked around her. "Where are we?" she whispered.

I chuckled. "We're in my imagination," I said. And just like that, the world around us collapsed. I was no longer a noble, devoted knight, and she was no longer a beautiful princess who I wanted to marry one day. I was me, and she was her.

"By the way, my name's not really Kurt. I just thought that would be a good name for a knight," I told her.

She looked at me in confusion. "How did you do that? The snow storm, the candles, the... everything? How was that possible?"

I chuckled to myself. "When you're RPing, the world around you is nothing but your imagination. From there, you can do whatever you want to."

"You're RPing and you didn't invite me?! You... bastard!" a familiar voice said from behind me.

I smiled.

I turned, trowing my arms high in the air to welcome my companions. "Brian, O'Hare, it is good to see you again!" I said loudly.

The two of them stood there.

The world shifted and flickered a bit before settling.

"Are you here for the quest, my friends?" I asked them.

Brian stepped forward, his armor freshly polished. "Yes, I am!" he said in his thick Northern accent. "I am here for talk vith pony princess for dragon problem."

I raised an eyebrow. "She has told you then?" I asked.

He nodded, his armor clanking loudly. "Yes, pony princess tell us about mission! Big dragon, at big mountains! Ve go kill big dragon und make big dragon armor for protect us! Good protect, few flaw."

I nodded. "Very good Brian, I could use all the help I can get." I turned to O'Hare, my oldest friend. "So, old friend. Are you up for another adventure? Can your bones take it?" I asked with a laugh.

Serpent shrugged. "I guess. Let's just go throw a nuke in the mountain and blow it up. After that we can just loot his house."

The world around us shattered, the real Equestria forming again.

I scowled at Serpent. I even saw Viking and Celestia give him dirty looks. "No Serpent, we need to do this right," I said angrily. "No nukes, no flying, no powers, no nothing! You need to be a knight and use a sword!"

He gave me a dirty look. "No I don't! I can use a freaking minigun if I want to!"

"No, you can't!" I yelled.

"Why?!" he yelled back.

"It's in the rules! You can't use any guns unless you design them yourself, gather the materials, make the parts, and craft them! You didn't do any of that, so you're not allowed to use a gun!"

"What rules are you talking about?!"

"The rules that tell us how to do this!"

"There are no rules!"

"You can't come with us if you're not in character! You can't do this while OOC!"

"I'm not RPing!"

"You need to! It's in the rules!"

"No! I'm not RPing!"

I growled and waved my hand at him. Using the !freeze, !mute, and !gag commands I immobilized him and disabled his ability to argue. After that I quickly went through console and stripped his powers, leaving him absolutely nothing. No commands, no spawning powers, no thinking abilities, no nothing.

I scowled at him. "You aren't allowed to come with us Serpent. You don't have any fucking idea how to RP right."

I looked back to Celestia.

"M'lady, I am sorry for my friend's rashness. He will not be accompanying us on this quest. I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive us," I said, bowing my head.

She smiled at me, putting me at ease instantly. "You are forgiven, my knight."

I bowed deeply before her, spreading my arms out wide. "Then with your permission, my companion and I will be on our way to slay the dragon plaguing these lands."

She put her hoof on my shoulder. "Be safe, my knight."

I raised, smirking at her. "Your fool."

She smirked right back. "My noble fool."

The two of us shared a look of understanding before I left her, taking my companion and leaving her chambers.

As we walked down the torch-lit halls of the keep, I smiled to myself as I pulled down my visor. "Brian, my friend. This could be dangerous. Are you sure you are up for it?"

He pulled his massive battle ax off his back and gave it an experimental swing. It was like it weighed nothing in his hands, even though it was nearly twice as big as he was, and probably just as heavy. "Yes," he said with a nod. "Ve go to mountain und kill big dragon. I am hoping for find much treasure in lair! Vith that, ve vill buy very big home, high up on hill! Then, I vill make many vimen be loving me! All night!" he laughed, slapping me on the back.

I nodded slowly. "Well, I am happy for you, my friend. That sounds like a grand idea indeed! Let us just hope that we live to make use of that loot!" I told him, joking.

He smiled at me knowingly. "Vut vill you use loot for getting, my friend? Perhaps... room at keep? Near to princess, maybe...?"

It was a good thing my visor was down, because he would have seen my eyes go wide otherwise. "N- no! Of course not! I'll use my share to... to... t- to buy a grand house- a mansion! I will host only the grandest of parties, with only the finest of wines and best chefs in the realm! I will put this keep to shame!"

Brian laughed his deep, booming laugh. "I am being sure, my friend! Ven you are getting room, be telling princess I am saying hello!"

I scowled. "Be quiet Brian, nobody likes you."

Love Feeds Them...

The path from Canterlot to the mountain was actually farther than it looked on the map I was referencing. It seemed that ponies didn't use conventional miles. I guessed that it was because they had four legs, whereas we only had two. But it seems for every one mile for them, it was just over two miles for us. So what I guessed would be a three day journey would probably take about a week in total. A week of trekking through mostly untamed terrain... in heavy platemail... with a bunch of heavy weapons... with our headaches and overheating. That's a nice thought...

The first day or so was nothing of note, really. Just leaving Canterlot and passing a few snobbish ponies that threatened to have us arrested for various reasons. I think a few of them were being threatening, insulting their lifestyle with our image, kicking them in the ribs and hospitalizing them, stealing their sweet rolls... Just stupid things like that.

So now we were into our second day. The Sun had been up for about two or three hours, give or take, and we were walking without an end in sight.

The one up-side is that we found a way to "beat the heat" so to speak. I won't go into details, but it involves a few gallons of water, a comfy patch of grass, and a mare. Whether she's willing or not isn't the point, just that she's there.

Viking refused instantly, not even wanting to talk about it. Something about him rather putting his dick in a microwave or something like that was spoken between us.

Hell, even I didn't really want to at first. I wanted to keep my bestiality count as low as possible, but seeing as how Dash or Fluttershy wasn't with us I didn't have too many other options. I hear three's a pretty good number though, so there's always that...

But enough about raping horses.

Viking and I were walking down the little dirt road to the mountain. And if my math is correct- I was a D+ student in high school after all- then a city should be coming up pretty soon. Yes, a city. Not a town like Ponyville, but a full-fledged city. Almost the size of Canterlot, if what I gathered from the pony I kicked in the ribs back at the castle was anything to go by. Fun guy, Blueblood. He could really make giving an ass-whooping pleasurable.

"So are we keepin' this up the whole way?" Viking asked.

I shook my head, popping a chicken nugget in my mouth. "Nope," I said, swallowing the bit of meat. "We only have to do it in front of people. That way we won't get too sucked in."

He looked at me oddly. "Is it bad to be in our minds?"

I flashed him a Joker smile. "I live in my mind, and only have my imagination to keep me company."

He leaned back a little, an uneasy look on his face. "Uh, okay then. Not doin' that."

I chuckled a bit, pulling my visor down. "Game face, Viking. There's a town up there."

He looked around us, clearly blind to it. "Where?"

I pointed at the small group of buildings ahead, barely noticeable because of the hilly terrain. "There, just over the hills. Can you see the smoke?"

He leaned in closer. "Oh, now I fuckin' see it!" he said. "I thought that was just clouds."

"Nah, not clouds, chimneys," I said. "What you're looking at is the outskirts of Trottingham. Over that next hill there aren't any more farms, only a large city."

He pulled his visor down. "So, we stoppin' there?"

I nodded which made my armor clank slightly. "Need to if we want to stay on the road. Maybe we can even get cooled off while we're there?" I suggested, laughing darkly.

Viking made a gagging noise and waved his hand at me.

I shook my head. "Oh, we're off to see the city! The horrible city right there!" I sang, mimicking the Wizard of Oz theme.

"Oh wait!" Viking called, just before I could continue singing. "I want a different name."

I looked at him oddly, which he couldn't see. "Why? What name could be better than Brian?"

"Vlad," he said, very serious. "Since I'm Russian, I wanna be named Vlad."

I shrugged. "Whatever," I said, not really caring. "Now, where was I...? Oh, yes!" I cleared my throat loudly, much like I was dying before beginning. "Just follow the dirty brown road!"

***

Vlad and I approached the large gates of Trottingham and were surprised to see them closed. "Hail, gatesman!" I called up to the pillar along the walls.

A head popped out, revealing a grey coat, shaggy and unkempt brown mane, and two large brown eyes. "An' who are you, then?!" a stallion's voice called down to us.

I waved at him politely. "We are knights, good sir! We hail from Canterlot, and are under orders to slay the dragon that dwells in the mountain beyond your lands!"

"Why ya comin' 'ere then?!" he yelled.

"We must go through Trottingham in order to reach the mountain if we are to stay on the path! The forest is dangerous, and we do not wish to put ourselves through any unnecessary risks!" I told him, hoping that he would listen.

The stallion disappeared for a brief time, coming back a few moments later with another pony. A guard, if the armor and spear was any indication. They spoke quietly for a while before they looked back at us. "What's your business 'ere?" the guard asked us.

"We only wish to pass through your city as a means to stay on the road, guardsman! We harbor no ill intentions for you or yours!" I yelled to him, hoping that he would believe me.

They spoke to each other for a few more seconds before looking back down at us. "An' 'ow am I s'pposed to know you're tellin' the truth?! 'Ow do I know you two ain't no Changelin's?!"

I guessed that I was confused looking under my helmet. "Forgive me, but the Changeling Hive is within the Badlands, to the South, is it not?! How is it that there are Changelings here?!"

Now I was guessing that they looked confused.

" 'Ave you not 'eard?!" the guard called down to us. "The 'Lings are tryin' to move up North! They've been harassin' the locals non-stop! We've 'ad to close the gates 'cause of 'em!"

"Well, we are no Changelings, good sirs!" I shouted innocently. "We only wish to pass through, maybe get a few hours rest at the most! Then we will be gone within the day!"

They went back to speaking again. It lasted longer than the other times, being about four or five minute as opposed to a few seconds. Eventually, the conversation ended with the gate operator shrugging and both of them disappearing within the pillar.

I looked to Vlad. "What do you think they said?"

He shrugged, his armor clanking loudly. "I am having no idea what little ponies are saying."

I sighed, looking back at the pillar. "That makes two of us, old friend..."

The ground shook.

I looked at Vlad. "Did you feel that?" I asked him.

"Yes, I am feeling rumble..."

The ground shook again, much more violently this time.

"That cannot be good..." I mumbled.

I heard voices shouting on the other side of the wall. Nothing really important or worrying. Something about stations and being ready. Then my mind clicked. "Uh oh."

The ground shook again, being split open from the sheer force of the quake. From inside I could hear... something. Like buzzing. The buzzing of thousands of wings.

I leaned over and peered into the large crevice. It was deep. Very deep. And it seemed to be filled with countless little blue orbs of light. Little blue orbs of light that moved, and had wings, and bodies, and fangs, and weapons strapped to their insectoid hooves. "No, this cannot be good at all."

A haunting laugh echoed out from the pit, and like a call of war hundreds upon hundreds of half-bug half-pony creatures came flying out of the dark pit towards me and Vlad.

"To arms!" I yelled, pulling my mace from my back and jumping several feet backwards.

Vlad already had his battle ax at the ready, prepared for anything and everything.

The creatures for the most parts ignored us, instead choosing to attack the city and the guards on the walls. A good number of them were taken out of the air by arrows and bolts of battle magic, but not nearly enough to even make the smallest dent in their numbers. The couple dozen or so that did decide to hang around us made a circle, enclosing us completely. Some flew directly above us while others hovered at various heights and some even landed, taking defensive stances.

I smirked. "You ready to crush some bugs, Vlad?" I asked my barbaric companion.

He laughed loudly, something which made the creatures around us look slightly more nervous. "I am always ready to be crushing our enemies, my friend! This shall be very much fun!"

"Fun for us, maybe," laughed an echoing voice from the pit.

We both looked to see a larger, more regal creature rise from the pit that the others came from. It was the size of Celestia, only black with shining green eyes and cat-like pupils. It was clearly a female by her voice and appearance.

She floated over to us, landing a few feet away and smiling almost seductively. "My, my, my," she cooed. "I've never seen creatures such as yourselves before. Tell me, my noble knights, is what you said true? About being under orders from the Sun princess herself?"

"We are, yes. Though how it is any of your business, I cannot fathom," I growled.

She widened her smile, choosing to look at me solely instead of both of us. "Well, I can't help but find this news particularly interesting," she said. "You see, Celestia is an old enemy of mine, and anything she does, I make it my business to know. And if at all possible, to stop."

I scowled behind my visor. "Still your tongue, witch! We are loyal to only the princesses, and if you should claim to be their enemy we will have no choice but to put you down like the dog you are!"

Her smile left her face as she replaced it with a glare. "Are you calling me ugly?" she hissed.

I smirked. "Well, I most certainly am not calling a dog pretty," I said sarcastically.

The two of us stared at each other for a long time before she spoke again. "Get them," she practically whispered.

I swung my mace as hard as I could as the first creatures darted towards me. I was just thanking God for the fact that I had armor to save me from the massive splatter of gore that erupted from the things as my mace connected with them. "Vlad! I'm on seven already!" I shouted over the yells of the monsters and buzzing of wings.

He laughed. "Twelve I am counting! Keep up my friend!"

I grit my teeth and swung wildly, taking out another half dozen or so with my mace. "You're not beating me again, you bastard!"

He only laughed as he swung his massive battle ax down on the creatures. The ones that weren't cleaved into pieces were scattered by the force of the weapon.

I felt a smile creep across my face as I swung my mace faster and harder, killing more of them. The guts flying everywhere, the screams of them dying, the faces of terrified creatures... It was all so much fun! "Remember kiddies, you gotta spin to win!" I screamed, spinning in circles on my heels with my mace held out. I must have hit at least three dozen, probably killing most of them.

I heard Vlad laugh. "You are so small! It is being funny to me!" he yelled, cleaving two of them neatly in half.

"Fifty!" I yelled.

"Fifty?! How are you killing so many?!" Vlad yelled back.

"I am the best knight in Canterlot, my friend! I thought you knew that by now!" I jeered.

Vlad growled angrily, throwing his ax at a large crowd of them. It spun horizontally, cleaving almost two dozen into pieces before it stuck in one of them and came to a rest. "Sixty!" he yelled proudly.

I looked around me, seeing only two dozen or less left. I needed to kill them all if I was going to beat him.

"Seventy-two!" I yelled, dropping my mace and throwing all dozen knives on my chest at the creatures. And lucky for me, they all hit. "Eighty!" I shouted, picking my mace up and rushing the few remaining creatures.

The did not seem to want to fight me, seeing as how they turned and flew away from me. But that did not help them. Even though they could fly, I was much bigger and had a very far reach.

I swung my mace, pulverizing three of the eight that were left. My second swing got me three more. And just before the last two got away my third swing caught their backsides, grounding them.

I chuckled evilly as I stood over the creatures. "Well, you put up a good fight, but you lost in the end and that is all that really matters."

They both looked up at me pleadingly, somehow managing to pull it off with bug eyes.

I brought my mace down, caving in the head of the first one.

"N- no, please! I'm too young to die!" the second yelled.

I looked at the creature. "And you think that the children in that city are ready to die? Do you not think that they should be spared this fight?" I asked scathingly.

The creature drooped its ears at my words. "Well, I..."

I brought my mace down, turning the thing into paste.

I shook the majority of the gore from my mace and turned back to the city. There were quite a few living creatures left, though most of them were writhing in pain on the ground. But one of them caught my eye in particular. Their leader. "You have failed this day!" I yelled, advancing on her.

She did not respond. She only looked at the massacre we made of her army.

I came within feet of her, griping my mace tightly. "Call off the attack, and I will spare your life," I growled at her.

She looked at me blankly.

"Do it, or your head will be decorating my hearth!" I threatened, raising my mace.

"You killed them..." she whispered in a haunted voice.

"And I will do the same to you," I said quickly. "Call. Off. The. Attack."

She lit up her jagged horn and sent a large beam of energy into the sky. After that she simply flew away, a few seconds later she was joined by her army. It seemed that a significant amount of them were missing.

I watched them fly off, probably towards their encampment. "And don't come back," I spat.

"My friend! We are needing to be killing the survivors!" Vlad yelled, getting my attention.

I nodded to myself, slinging my over-sized mace on my back once again and drawing one of my cleavers. I walked over to the first injured creature, one of the ones I only clipped. "Vlad, you know these don't count?" I said.

He groaned.

I smiled inwardly and struck the creature, splitting its head open messily. Walking over to the next creature I did the same thing. By the third creature I had the routine down. Walk, kneel, cleave, stand, walk. In the span of only a few minutes, Vlad and I had dealt with all but one or two.

I walked over to the last one I could see that was still breathing. I knelt down, readying my cleaver. That was when I saw the arrow under the creature's front leg.

I let my cleaver down and rolled it over to see an arrow stuck in the thing's side. It was barely inside of it, only the very tip buried in the black hide. There was no blood at all. "Why are you moaning?"

It looked up at me with a grimace. "It hurts," it rasped. "The pain is unbearable!"

I smiled to myself. A sick, twisted, demented smile. "Oh, that is not pain, my friend. This..." I said, raising my cleaver, "... is pain..."

I put the cleaver on the thing's stomach and started sawing back and forth. My blade was not serrated, but it was deadly sharp. Sharp enough so that with just a hint of pressure, I was able to start slicing through the creature's body like a loaf of bread.

It screamed. It screamed horribly. It was like a cat being skinned alive, only much more guttural and blood chilling.

I was half-way through the body. "Do you know what pain is, my friend?" I asked the creature happily. "Do you?"

It continued to scream, louder as I hit the first major organs.

"Pain is just what your body does as a warning. It tells you that something is dangerous, and that you should not put yourself in harm's way," I told it, pulling the cleaver out and placing it lower on the torso.

It was still screaming.

I began to slice through the body again, slower this time. So much slower. "You are able to overcome pain, to beat it. Do you know how?" I asked.

The thing writhed beneath me, its screams turning into bloody gurgles.

"You just need to believe that there is no pain," I told it. "If you believe that you will feel pain, then you will. But if you believe that nothing bad will happen to you, then nothing will."

It stopped moving and the gurgles almost completely stopped as well.

"It's all a matter of mind really." I pulled the cleaver free of the creature's body and raised it up high. "This mind!" I growled, bringing my blade down on the head, splitting it open like a ripe gourd.

I wiped my blade off on the grass and sheathed it before standing back up, sighing happily. I walked in front of the large gates again and was joined by Vlad. "Hail, gatesman! The creatures are dead, let us in!"

The same shaggy-maned stallion from before looked out of the pillar. He looked behind him and shouting something, and a second later the gates were slowly opened.

I looked to my companion. "Well, this was certainly an interesting visit, was it not?" I asked.

He chuckled and shook his head. "Interesting is being an understatement, my friend. Interesting was being gone when big bug lady was showing up! That happening was being crazy!" he laughed.

We both walked into the city to cheers of victory. Cheers that went dead silent as the ponies inside saw that we were covered in heavy amounts of blood and gore ranging from pieces of hide to small bits of intestines.

I raised my hand in the air and waved. "Greetings, pony folk! It is truly a relief to see a friendly face!"

They all remained silent.

We kept walking until we were greeted by a burly stallion and a rather lanky mare both wearing tattered armor. Behind them were bundles of the creatures we just fought. Prisoners, it seemed. There were quite a lot of them.

"Afternoon, guardsman," I greeted them as the four of us came within my reach.

The stallion only nodded.

"Good afternoon, knight," the mare responded.

We all stood there rather awkwardly for a few seconds before she spoke again. "We're glad that you came when you did. If you hadn't, the outcome of the battle may not have been in our favor."

I nodded. "Indeed. But tell me, why are you fighting the Changelings here? Why are they not attacking Canterlot?"

She shrugged. "I have no clue. From what we've gathered from the prisoners, they seem to have some kind of new plan. Trottingham was first, then the small hamlets around the city, and eventually Ponyville. After that I can only assume they would attack Canterlot again."

I nodded. "Any knowledge is better than none," I said. "Tell me, what are your casualties?"

"We have about eighty wounded and eleven in critical condition. Besides from that most of us have a few minor injuries that won't need anything but a bit of magic to heal," she told me.

I frowned. "There were no deaths?" I asked, truly curious.

She gasped. "No! How could you even think that?!"

I frowned even more. "It is battle. There is always death in battle."

"Not since Nightmare Moon!" she said, sounding truly horrified.

I looked over her to the hundred or so tied up Changelings. "Why are there so many prisoners? Did you not kill any?"

She again gasped, but did not speak. She did not have to.

"Bring me oil," I commanded. "Oil and torches."

The stallion nodded and galloped away from us.

"Why are you needing oil?" Vlad asked.

I walked past the shocked mare, right up to the closest bundle of creatures. "What are they?" I asked.

"Changelings," the mare said. "Didn't you know?"

I looked at each and every one of them. "I have only recently come here, guardsman. I had yet to meet one of them."

She growled in annoyance. "My name and rank is Staff Sergeant Light Hoof. You will address me as such!"

I ignored her. "Vlad, would you help me with purifying them?"

"How would I be helping you doing that?" he asked.

"Just make sure none of them get away," I said quietly.

A few minutes of terrifying the Changelings with my presence later and the stallion came back with a bucket of what I guessed was oil on his back and a torch in his mouth.

I nodded to him, taking the torch and oil. "Hold this," I said to Vlad. When he took it I picked up the bucket. It was heavy from the fullness. That was good.

"Today, we seek Your blessing, Lord!" I shouted, tilting the bucket up and sloshing the contents on the nearest Changeling. "Today, we have sinned against You, Lord! Today, we have brought evil upon the land, and we pray that You may forgive us, Lord!" I circled the bunch of them, dousing them all in oil. "Today, darkness has settled in our hearts, and we pray, Lord, that You may mend us! Today, Lord, we pray that You can use Your purifying light to save these souls! Today, we pray that in all Your brilliance and holiness, that You may find the time and patience to help us, Lord! Today, we pray for Your help, Lord!" The bucket was nearly empty by now, and every Changeling was soaked. "Oh Lord, please, hear me this day! Help these souls, Lord! Help these sinner souls find Your home, Lord! Guide them, Lord! Steer them, Lord! Save them, Lord!"

I looked to Vlad and nodded, taking the torch from him.

I looked back to the Changelings who were a this point crying in pure terror. "May The Lord have mercy on your souls," I said. I threw the torch in the middle of the group, making sure it would not miss.

Screams. So many screams.

Author's Note

What a twist!
Okay not really. But I just couldn't resist putting Changelings in here. I fucking adore Changelings. They're my favorite race to play in D&D.

Love Frees Them...

Author's Note

Pre-Warning: This chapter contains evil things, and will in no way hinder you to skip it. Ponies and Humans don't mix! They don't! Eventually we would eat them all once the bombs drop! Do not get attached to your pony companions my friends, their luscious bodies are more than just cock-pockets and friendly conversations! They are food!
Changeling bodies, however... I could see myself surviving in an apocalypse with a Changeling... I can't very well eat them, they can turn Human, and they can fly and use magic. Really, it's the perfect companion if you don't mind the fact that their draining you of your life force every second you're with them and when they're through with you they'll toss you away like an old chicken bone. Yeah, I think I could live with that.
This involves a Changeling... I'm not sorry...

Also, I've been playing the beta of ESO- The Elder Scrolls Online- and it's really cool. Well, aside from the fact that I run about ten frames on the lowest settings, that is. But besides that, it's real cool and you should check it out. I'm a Wood Elf with a big, long sword, and I'm just aching to put it inside of you...

Question of the day: What is the technical term for fucking a bug? Is there one? Is it just considered bestiality? Let me know!
My guess: Entophilia.

Love Frees Them...

The young sergeant and I made our way to the local pub, both of us snickering about my plan for revenge. It was simple, really. We would go into the pub, make a scene in front of everybody there, and then go upstairs for fun time loud enough to make the entire city know what's going on. Once that's done, badda-boom! Ruined reputation for her, freedom and a free meal for Mirage, and I get laid! It's a win for everybody involved! A win-win-win, if you will.

I kicked open the pub doors, crashing them against the walls loudly. "Get the fuck outta my way, you pony bastards!" I shouted as I kicked what looked like a sailor out of my way. "I need a drink and a blowjob, and all I see is a bunch of bastards around bar! So unless you colts like the taste of cock and cum you'd better get the bloody fuck outta my way!"

I stomped up to the bar, creating a huge gap in the crowd within. "Whiskey. Coupla fingers," I said as I took my helmet off and placed it next to me on the counter.

The barmare nodded quickly, disappearing beneath the counter for the appropriate ingredients.

I looked over the counter, getting a lovely view of her girl bits. "Say, lil' missy, if'n you be needin' of a coupla fingers yourself, I could always oblige ya, say, right now!" I said loudly, slapping her flank and leaving a red mark in the shape of my hand on her pale rump.

She yelped, in surprise I'd wager, and quickly gave me a large bottle of what I was hoping to be whiskey. She then hurried into a back room behind the bar with a bright blush clear on her face.

I took a long drag straight from the bottle, draining at least half of it in one go. That's when the door slammed open behind me. I turned, recorking the bottle and sneered at the one who entered. "Well, well, fuckin' well... If it ain't lil' miss sergeant bitch," I said lazily. "Come to insect me blade? I assure you, it's very sharp."

She glared at me, advancing on my seat at the bar. "You will use respect when addressing me, Mercenary," she hissed out.

I laughed and pulled the cork out with my teeth. "No fanks," I mumbled around it. Then I spat it out and nailed her right between the eyes.

She was shaking with rage, her eyes boring holes in mine.

I sneered at her, noticing how quiet the pub was. I thought I heard a mouse fart. "So, is this thoughtful lil' visit business, or pleasure?" I asked just before draining the rest of the bottle.

"A little of both," she said, a small smile creeping across her lips.

I raised an eyebrow. "Is that so?" I asked.

She nodded slowly, coming even closer. "You see, some of my soldiers think that you should be rotting away in a dungeon somewhere underneath Canterlot. And I happen to agree with them."

I noticed a bit of movement in the corner of my eyes. I thought I caught a small bit of golden armor. At that point, I was wondering whether or not this was the real sergeant. Eh, who cares? "Really now? So, are you going to try to arrest me? After the mayor spe-"

"To Tartarus with what the mayor said!" she growled. "I'm bringing you in, and nothing can stop me from doing it!"

I shrugged. "Well, you're certainly welcome to try, sweetheart. But I'm not responsible for anythin' in your body that gets broken in the attempt," I told her, leveling my gaze right at her.

She smirked at me.

I scowled at her.

Faster than an arrow, she sprinted at me head on. Had she been wearing a helmet, I would have been worried.

I raised my hand, palm outwards.

She collided face first with my mail-covered hand, stopping instantly.

I held her by the face and lifted her up off the ground. "So, how's that plan workin' out for ya?" I teased. " 'Cause, to me at least, it looks like you just got screwed." A twisted smile split across my face. "Actually, not yet you don't," I said, letting my eyes slide down her body to the hot spot between her legs. I lifted my other hand up and gently teased at it with my middle finger, making her squeal. "But that'll soon be fixed."

She mumbled something loudly around my hand that I couldn't understand.

I adjusted my grip so I was holding her by the neck instead of her face. "What was that, deary?" I snarled in her face.

She gave me a cold look. "I wanted to put you in a dungeon so we could have some privacy, you idiot! But now everypony knows about us!"

I pulled her towards me so she was less than an inch from my face. "Well, I guess this is my fault then, isn't it?" I said in a slimy voice.

She smirked. "Yes, it is." Then she forced her lips onto mine, quite violently in fact. She even managed to part my teeth with the tip of her tongue and saw fit to molest the inside of my mouth with it.

I sneered into the kiss, pushing the tongue wrestling out of my mouth and into her own. I quickly learned that she liked it when I was rough with her, and also that she moaned whenever I did anything too hard. I suppose forcing my plated fist up her cunt to the wrist counts as pretty hard, because she moaned so loud that she had to stop kissing me to catch her breath again.

"Shall we take this upstairs?" I asked her with a toothy smile.

She flashed me a tooth-filled smile right back. "Only if you carry me."

I chuckled and slung her over my shoulder. "I expect there's a room available," I told her. "Whether or not we have to kill the current tenant or not is unimportant."

She giggled. "Ooh, I love it when you talk like that! Say something else!"

I shook me head with a laugh. "I'm going to fuck you until you die of internal bleeding. Then I'll use your corpse as a fuck doll until I find another mare," I said, very seriously, as I climbed the stairs.

She giggled again. "Is that a promise?"

I raised an eyebrow as I stood in front of the first door I came across. "Maybe... just maybe..." Then I kicked the door in, snapping it off its hinges.

Inside there was a young pony couple cuddling on the bed, each with terrified looks at seeing us.

I stepped in the room, having to duck slightly so I didn't hurt my charge. "Out. Now."

Both of them sprinted out of the room faster than I'd ever seen a pony run before.

I chuckled to myself as I walked over to the bed, dumping the false sergeant on it roughly.

"Ooh, be careful," she complained with false annoyance. "I'm a delicate flower, you know."

I unstrapped my armor and was down to nothing but my boxers within a minute. "I sure hope not," I laughed. "If you are, you're gonna break."

She scoffed. "Oh please, I've heard that from dozens of stallions before," she said. "How big could you-"

I pulled off my boxers, showing myself to her.

She stared at it for a long time, her face frozen in its last action. Eventually, she gulped nervously and gave me an uneasy smile. "So... that's how big you can be..." she said, chuckling a bit.

I raised an eyebrow. "It's not even hard yet. I've still got inches to go yet," I told her.

Her eyes widened a bit. "But- b- It's already huge! How can it grow?!"

I frowned. "You've really never seen one this big?" I asked curiously.

She shook her head, never taking her eyes from my piece. "The biggest I've seen was on another Changeling, and you've still got almost half a foot on him. You're..." She shook her head. "You're like a Changeling's wildest dreams come true..." She trailed off, her hoof idly finding its way down to her soft spot.

I pulled my lip back into a nasty smile. "Wildest dreams huh? So, how would life in your homeland be for somebody like me?"

She shook her head. "Busy..." she said distantly, slowly playing with herself.

I watched her play with herself intently. It was... interesting to see. A hoof can really do interesting things when somebody wills it to, I guess. As I watched her touch herself, I could feel every heartbeat throb through my piece. My piece that was twitching to life, growing with every second. The scene that was in front of me was indeed quite hot.

"So, you ready?" I asked awkwardly.

She nodded, still staring at my piece.

Not needing any more invitation than that, I got on the bed, lifting her above me and sitting her on my lap with my piece pressed against her stomach. I had to smile as I saw the tip of it almost reaching her face.

She stared at it for a few seconds before giving the tip a little kiss. "It's almost cute," she giggled.

"Cute huh?" I asked. "Is it cute when I do this?" I asked, pulling my piece back and letting it bounce back, hitting her in the muzzle with it.

She glared at me.

I smirked. "So, want to suck me off first, or should we just get down and dirty with it?"

She smirked back. "I like the second option better," she joked.

I nodded, lifting her up and holding her over me, the tip poking at her entrance. "Try not to scream," I said jokingly.

"Why wou-"

I pulled her down until I couldn't fit any more inside of her, nearly bottoming out. Surprise, surprise, she did scream. Loud. Very loud. Loud enough so that the window in the room literally exploded outwards.

I chuckled darkly. "You don't listen very well, do you?" I teased.

She weakly punched me in the chest as she tensed up to the point of nearly pulling a muscle.

I just shook my head and slowly rocked her back and forth on top of me. "And here I was thinking that you were used to this," I said. "I guess you're just an amateur lay. But don't feel bad, I've had lots of those since I've been here."

She looked up at me with a cold glare, tears leaking out of the corners of her eyes. "Amateur?" she asked quietly. "I'm the best lay you'll ever have!" she yelled in my face.

I laughed. "Prove it."

Then I was on my back, her above me with a look of anger, pride, and smugness mixed together. She kissed me, very violently. She was almost literally attacking my mouth with her tongue, and I never wanted it to end.

She started working her hips, lifting off of me until I was only half-filling her, then slamming down as hard as she could. Every time she came down, it would make a wet slapping sound as our fun bits collided with the force of a speeding train.

I chuckled as best I could with her brutalizing my piece. I pulled my lips away from hers. "Amateur," I growled out before kissing her again, bringing the battle into her own mouth. I felt her bite my tongue, probably drawing blood, but I couldn't taste anything like blood. In fact, I could taste... Kiwi? I could taste a kiwi. Strange...

I started bucking my own hips up to meet hers when she came down onto me, getting a very happy sound from her. I made a happy sound too, but mine was much more manly. So manly in fact, that I felt the need to take over.

I rolled us over, getting a playful squeal from the false sergeant. I looked to where our bodies were connected. Then looked into her eyes. "I'm going to fuck you brain dead," I said coolly. I lifted her hind legs into the air, giving me a clear shot at her slick opening. "Don't scream."

Her eyes widened a bit and she put her hoof in her mouth.

I pushed into her, even forcing myself farther when I met with blockage. I guessed it was her womb, so I probably wasn't going to get any farther than that. But then I remembered my endless collection of anime...

I smiled evilly as I pulled out, just enough to leave the head inside, then pushed forward again even harder and meeting with that barrier again. I vaguely remember hearing screams of pleasure mixed with pleas for mercy, but I ignored them. I was focused solely on breaking through that damned womb!

Over and over I forced myself as far as I could go, but every time I met with impassable resistance. But I would not be deterred, oh no. I was going to split open the walls to her womb, and I was going to do it now!

I pushed into her as hard as I possibly could, growling like a feral wolf and pouring sweat. I could hear her screaming, could feel her body writhing beneath me. I felt her walls convulsing with crushing force, trying to suck the life out of me through my piece. But none of that was important. The important thing was that I felt that damned resistance lessen.

I shouted in triumph, my words having left me.

Then just as before I poured on the speed, thrusting in and out of her as fast as I could. I could feel my muscles burning from the torture I was putting them through, but it didn't matter. I could feel her wrap her front legs around my neck tightly and bite into my neck, but it didn't matter. I could feel myself bruising from the force at which our hips met, but it didn't matter. No, the only thing that did matter was that I break that damned barrier! I knew it was probably impossible, but I had to try!

I could feel my body fighting me as I tried and failed hundreds of times to break through. I could feel my body getting weaker by the minute. Anime had lied to me, that much was clear. Not that I really believed it to begin with, but I just thought that breaking through into her womb would feel fucking good. I would put money on it that it's tighter than anal in there.

I slowed down just a bit, allowing myself to catch my breath. As I gasped in air, I could hear my current lover gasping as well. Ragged, desperate gasps came from her. It sounded like she couldn't breathe during the time we were in bed. How long had we been in bed? I guessed that I must have lost track of time as I plowed her. When we first came into the pub, it was just reaching early evening. But as I stare at her beneath me, I could see her bathed in Moonlight from the broken window. It was nighttime.

I leaned down to meet her mouth with my own, tasting that sweet kiwi. Kiwi and sweat, a delicious combonation.

She moaned into the kiss, tightening her grip around my neck aa she kissed me back with ferocity. Her tongue danced with my own for what felt like hours before she carefully pushed me over, placing herself above me once again.

I smiled into the kiss, not minding one bit that she wanted to be on top. I always did like girls that could take charge.

She pulled away from me, flashing me a loving smile. "So... you're finally... done..." she breathed, laughing a bit at the end.

I raised an eyebrow and gave her a dirty smile. "Not really, no. I'm just getting started, and so is junior there."

She looked below her to where we were still connected and smiled. "Wow... I guess... you are..."

I grabbed both of her flanks and pulled her down on to my piece as far as she could go. I was pretty shocked when she went the whole way down with nothing more than a throaty moan.

Smirking up at her, I started to work her backside up an down on me. Something that caused me great amounts of pleasure, to be sure. It was good, very good. Hell, I'd even call it amazing. But, still...

I grabbed her by the throat, squeezing hard enough to cut off air flow. "I want you," I snarled.

She looked down at me, an uncomprehending expression on her face.

I squeezed harder. "I want you, Mirage!" I snarled in her face. "I don't want this, I want you!"

A smiled crept across her face before she was enveloped in green magic. When it was gone, Mirage, not the sergeant, was on top of me. "Happy?" she croaked out.

I let go, sneering at her. "Only if you can get me off."

She chuckled, bouncing her hips on me.

I growled at her, leaning up and kissing her passionately. I ran my tongue over her fangs, circling them before exploring the Changeling mouth. It still tasted of kiwi. Kiwi... I never liked kiwi, too damn hard to peel.

I sat up, holding her against my chest as she rocked her hips on me. The slickness of her was beautiful, as her juices made the feeling even better than it already was. She was like a furnace inside too, which added to the feeling.

She moaned every time my piece went farther into her, and gasped every time it came out. "It's! So! Great! Never! Ever! Stop!" she screamed, every word coming out as I went as deep as I could.

I groaned in pleasure, leaning forward and kissing her neck lightly. Her coat... wasn't a coat. It was chitin, like a beetle. Slightly disturbing, being reminded of the fact that I was essentially screwing a talking roach, but as my piece buried itself inside of her tight little cunny, I couldn't care less.

I kissed her chitin, licking up her neck and behind her ears. I smiled to myself when she gasped in pleasure, revealing to me a sweet spot on her body. "Mirage, I want to fill you up," I whispered into her ear.

She nodded, nearly stabbing my eye out with her horn. "D-do! It!"

I wrapped my arms around her and bounced her up and down on me fast and rough. I groaned loudly as I felt the heat increasing, sweat pouring out of me like crazy. She half-screamed half-moaned as I went, throwing her head back and letting everybody in the city know how she felt. That scroan (scream + moan = scroan) turned into a howl, which turned into a shriek, which turned into something that made my ears pop, which turned into something I couldn't hear at all.

That's when she came. Her cunt convulsed, twitched, contracted, squeezed, crushed, everything! If there was a word out there for death gripping my cock, her pussy did it. Her insides worked relentlessly at my piece, begging it to let go.

And that's exactly what happened.

I planted my lips on hers, kissing her like it was going to be my last kiss I'll ever have. Tongue, teeth, lips, tonsils, everything was involved. I cold hardly breathe as I came because of how intense the kiss was.

I could feel rope after rope after rope shoot into her. So much so I began to feel dizzy and lose control of my arms. My quick and poised bounces became wild and sporadic as I held her. I tightened my grip on her like she was the most precious thing in the world to me. "Fuck... me..." I breathed, falling on my back with her still hugged to my chest.

That's when my vision became blurry with black spots showing up. "My eyes..." I said weakly. "I... I can't move..."

Mirage looked at me with a slightly guilty smile on her face. "Uh, hehe, funny story..." she started, rubbing the back of her head with a hoof.

I scowled as best I could.

"Well, I maybe, kinda, sorta... have been feeding from you this whole time, and I used magic to keep you going past the point where you probably would have crashed... So, yeah..." She smiled at me innocently. "But you liked it though, right?"

I felt my eyes close themselves. "I'm... kill... you..."

She chuckled nervously. "Well, since you're, y'know, tired and all... I'll just help myself to some more love..." she said awkwardly.

I felt something wet and warm cover my forever-erect piece and start to slowly move itself up and down. My last conscious thought was how much I wanted to stay awake for whatever it was she was doing to me.

Love Bug...

I was on the computer playing a round of CS:GO and generally kicking ass. I had six MVP stars, and had just gotten an ace. My K/D was 17-3, one of the best I've ever had. And I owed it all to my best friend, the Nova shotgun. Yes, I am indeed a shotgun noob, and I'm proud of that.

It was me and one guy against four of them. I was half dead with no Kevlar, and he was at five health. Things didn't look good, but I was confident that we could pull it off. We had to, it was match point.

"Check mid, I'll go tunnels and rotate to A," I said through the mic.

He agreed, running down the long slope towards the intersection near CT spawn.

I went through the tunnels entrance near the T spawn. Checking lower real quick, I went back to check B. It was clear by the looks of it. But that was just the crates. I couldn't see the car or the mid doors.

I slowly peaked my head out, getting a good look. I saw the doors, the wall, the car, the boxes, but no Ts.

I shook my head and turned around.

A T was behind me, but nothing like I've ever seen before. He had no shirt and his body was swollen and disfigured. Blood was dripping from his mouth, nose and eyes, and there were pus-oozing cuts all over his torso. "Plant the bomb!" he roared.

I fired my Nova but somehow missed.

He ran at me, waving his arms around wildly. "Plant the bomb!"

I fired again and again, but both shots missed. It was like my bullets were refusing to hit him.

He collided with me, knocking me over. "Plant the bomb!"

I fell. But I didn't hit the ground. I kept falling, into nothing but empty blackness. Forever it seemed, but it had only been a few seconds, or was it minutes... years?

When I landed I was in the room in Trottingham and Mirage was in front of me with a seductive smile on her face. "I'm so glad that you gave me your love," she cooed. "I just couldn't get enough."

I couldn't speak. I opened my mouth to say something, but no sound came out. I couldn't even focus on what it was I wanted to say and forgot it. I felt the weight of my Nova shotgun in my hands. It was... comforting.

She strolled over to me, swaying her hips in wide motions. When she reached me, she put her hoof on my chest and made small circular motions with it. It felt... really, really good. "Now, now, love. You don't need that big bad weapon, now do you?" she crooned. "I'm here to keep you safe. As long as our love lasts, all you'll ever need is me to protect you from the world."

I smiled at her. I didn't want to, but I couldn't help it. She did make me feel safe, make me feel better. I closed my eyes, savoring the feeling of her hoof on my chest. Right above my Nova.

She stopped rubbing, instead resting her hoof on the shotgun. "Come on, love, you don't need this anymore. You have me now. I can do things that this measly old weapon could never do."

I smiled again, opening my eyes and looking at my Nova. "Yeah, but this gun has been with me for as long as I can remember. It's my friend, and I can't just abandon a friend."

She frowned and tugged on the gun lightly. "But I'm your new friend," she said. "I'll be with you for the rest of your life, and I'll make you happy."

I chuckled, pulling my Nova away from her. "My Nova already makes me happy. I don't need a replacement, well, unless you have a Candy Apple skin, that is." I lifted the shotgun up to eye level, looking at it fondly. "This Tempest skin is great and all, but I need something with a bit of flair, y'know?"

Her frown quickly turned into a glare. "Just drop your weapon," she said. "I'll make everything better. I promise."

I frowned at her, hugging my Nova closely. "I'm not getting rid of my Nova Mirage. And you can't make anything better, everything's fine as it is."

She let out a low growl, similar to a cat's yowling.

The T ripped out of her back, flailing his arms around madly. "Plant the fucking bomb!"

I opened my eyes, taking in a deep breath. I was laying on a clean bed in a nice room. The bed was comfy and warm and clean. The window was unexploded. The door was on its hinges. In my professional opinion, I decided that I was not in the same room as I was in the previous night.

There was a knock on the door.

I scowled at it. "Nobody's home, go away!" I yelled.

The door creaked open, allowing a fresh faced Staff Sergeant Light Hoof to trot into the room with a large bowl of steaming... something... on her back. She trotted up to the bed, a skip in her step, and placed the bowl on a small nightstand before beaming at me. "Good morning!" she said happily.

I raised an eyebrow at her as I sat up. "That is you, right Mirage?"

She winked at me. "Not in public it's not," she said playfully. "But to you..." She licked her lips hungrily. "... I'll always be me for you, unless you want somepony else."

I nodded, looking to the bowl. The second I saw what it was my stomach screamed at me in boiling rage to eat it. "Oh my God... That's clam chowder..." I picked up the bowl and slowly brought it over to me, gazing into the thick sludge that was my soup.

Light Hoof nodded with a smile. "Trottingham is right on the ocean, so I figured that I might as well treat you to something special," she said.

I tilted the entire bowl up, letting the contents funnel into my mouth and down my throat. It burned like liquid fire, but the taste was worth it. As the last drops touched my tongue, I sighed in a mixture of happiness and sadness. Happy that I got to eat clam chowder, and sad because it was gone. "I fucking love clam chowder," I said dumbly.

She giggled. "More than me?" she asked playfully, making a silly face.

I laughed at her. "I love nothing more than you," I said.

I blinked. "What the fuck did I just say?" I asked myself, looking down at my hands. "Must be something in the air," I mumbled, shaking my head.

Light Hoof frowned at me. "Are you saying that you don't love me?" she asked.

I gave her a look. "We just met yesterday and fucked. I was four minutes away from killing you with a giant meat cleaver! I like you, yeah. But love?" I shrugged. "I don't thin- Ahh!" I felt what felt like a bolt of lightening shoot through my skull, causing me more pain that a bullet to the face would.

The false sergeant put her hoof on my shoulder, a worried look on her face. "Are you all right, my love?"

I could only groan as the pain split my head apart.

"Here, this will help," she said. She then dropped her disguise and lit up her curved horn with a sickly green aura. As she touched it to my head... the pain stopped.

I shook my head to clear away the spots in my vision, and also a strange green tint to everything.

"Are you okay, my love?" she asked me.

I nodded, smiling at her. "I am thanks to you. You made everything better."

She smiled at me lovingly, stoking my jaw line with a hoof. "You should rest, my love. You need the sleep, you look tired."

I shook my head. "No... No. No resting, I need to get Viking and get to the mountain. We still need to kill that dragon for Celestia," I said as I pushed myself off the bed.

The sergeant smiled toothily at me.

I looked down to see my morning friend waggling hello at me. "Maybe I can get dressed in about... twenty minutes?" I wondered, looking to Light Hoof.

She nodded approvingly.

Seeing her do that made me smile.

***

Viking and I walked out of the gates of Trottingham, our armor and bodies fresh and clean, thanks to some generous locals. Though in all honesty they probably just wanted us gone as fast as possible. Probably something to do with threatening to skin them alive if they got too close to me. Or maybe it was me opening the prison yard and letting all the Changelings go free. Or it could have been from the previous night. Well, it could have been a lot of things, really.

I breathed in the fresh air. Sea salt and green plains, a lovely combination. "So Viking, another two days before we reach the dragon, and another three or four days on the walk back... Want to play Eye Spy?"

He groaned loudly.

"I spy, with my little eye, something... Light Hoof?"

He looked at me, and if his visor was up I'd guess it was like I was stupid. "What the fuck kinda clue is that?"

I pointed back towards the town, little more than a greyish-blue smear on an otherwise green landscape. "Look, it's that sergeant. She's coming closer to us."

We shared a look before stopping and waiting for her to get to us. It didn't take long, her being a trained military officer and all that. She galloped up to us, skidding to a stop a few feet from where we were standing. "Hey, can I come with you guys?" she asked.

We both shared a look again. "Uh, aren't you like, supposed to defend against the Changeling army or something?" I asked her.

She laughed. "It's me," she said with a wink.

My brain clicked. "Oh! Yeah! Hell yeah, of course you can come!"

She smiled at me brightly. "I'm happy you still want me around, love."

Viking looked at me. " 'Love'?"

I shook my head. "No, not love. Just friends with bene- Ahh! Fucking hell!" I growled out, putting my hands to my head. That pain was back again, and it was worse this time.

"Oh no! Are you okay, my love?" the false sergeant asked worriedly.

I shook my head as best I could without causing any more damage to myself.

She dropped her disguise only enough to allow her horn to appear. Lighting it up, she touched it to my forehead and the pain was gone. "Better?" she asked.

I breathed in heavily. "Yeah," I said, nodding. "Better. Thanks Mirage."

She scoffed. "Please, call me Light Hoof, or just Light for short. As long as I'll be with you, I'll be using this form."

I nodded slowly. "Yeah, I guess that makes sense. We can call you Light."

She smiled at me happily. "Thanks, love. I'm glad you agree."

I smiled lecherously at her behind my visor. "Hard not to with an ass like that."

Dragons Are Lovely Company...

Something wet was on my face. That's what woke me up. Not a song bird, or a reed flute, or even a pleasant sunrise. No, I don't get those kinda things. No, what I get is something lukewarm and wet on my face.

I opened my eyes. Viking was right where he was, and Light Hoof was still right where she was, and I could only assume that I was still right where I was. Viking was still passed out, the only difference being he had wrapped his arms around Light and seemed to be playing the role of big spoon for her. Upon further surveillance, I had my arms wrapped around her as well, acting big spoon from the front side. In between us, Light was looking very cozy, despite sleeping on a mountain with nothing but our combined body heats to keep us warm. She was drooling lightly, some of it pooling on the ground and leaking into my visor; hence, the wetness and warmness.

Warmness... something I wasn't feeling. In fact, I seemed to be freezing my nuts off. Sleeping in metal armor while high enough to see snow while drenched in sweat does that, I guess.

I sat up, shivering violently. "Viking!" I said loudly. "Viking, wake up!"

He mumbled something and pulled my lover closer to him. This made me angry.

I pulled my cleaver from my side and readied it for the blow. "Viking, wake up! Now!" I yelled.

He again just mumbled something I didn't understand and continued to sleep.

I scowled and brought the cleaver down, ringing the blunt edge against his helmet as hard as I could.

Viking screamed in pain and fear, flailing his arms in the air and rolling around on his back. Something about getting the equivalent of a church bell in your ears does that to people I suppose. Especially sleeping people.

I stood up completely and scowled down at my howling "friend". Though what kind of friend cuddles up with my lover, I don't know. I kicked him in the side viciously, very nearly sending him over the edge of the little platform we were resting on. "Don't you dare fucking touch her!" I snarled.

"Why?!" Viking yelled. "Why would you do that?!"

I raised my armored foot up and brought it down as hard as I could on his stomach, getting another yell of pain from him. "Don't touch her! Don't even look at her!"

"What's going on?!" Light shouted, disturbed by the sudden bout of violence and rage.

I turned around, focusing my hatred on her. "You!" I seethed.

She took a nervous step backwards. "M- me?" she squeaked.

I stomped up to her, towering over her menacingly. "YOU!!! If I ever see you with another man I'll kill you both!" I raged, leaning closer to her with every word.

She sank to the ground, curling up into a little ball of fear. "Sorry!" she squeaked.

I reached down and grabbed her by the neck, bringing her closer and closer to me until her muzzle scrunched up against my visor. "If you even think about cheating on me, I'll make you beg for death before I even begin to consider giving you mercy," I whispered angrily. "I'll do horrible things to you, and when I'm done nobody'll be able to tell what you are anymore. Much less who."

She whimpered pitifully, tears dripping from her eyes. "I- I'm sorry," she whimpered, sniffling. "I- it w- was co- cold... A- and I- I j- just wan- wanted a l- l- little b- bit of w- warmth..." she stuttered, barely able to speak through the crying and whimpering. She looked absolutely miserable.

I blinked. "Oh, no..." I pulled my helmet off and and pulled her into a crushing hug, rubbing and patting her back gently. "Light, I'm so sorry I didn't realize you were cold. I'm overheating here, and I just figured since you had fur..." I pulled her closer, letting her cry into my armored chest. "I'm an idiot Light. Please, love, please forgive me for being stupid?"

She sniffled. "W- why were y- you so angry at me? I thought y- you love me."

I sighed into her mane. "Listen, I- I just... I... don't know what I feel about you," I said, pulling her away from me to look into her eyes. "I don't know if I can love, but..." I smiled at her. "If I can love, then I think I might be feeling that for you. I just... I can't stand the thought of you with somebody else."

She smiled at me and stroked along my jaw line with her hoof. "Love, I am, and always will be, yours. Only yours."

I smiled a little bit wider. "Forever?"

She smiled back and kissed me lovingly. "Forever and ever."

It felt like something inside of me caught fire at her words. A feeling not burning, but warming. It was pleasant, not amazing, or great, or even good really. Just... pleasant.

"So, now that we're all awake, I guess it's time to kill a dragon, huh?" I asked aloud, not really to anybody in particular.

She stepped away from me, nodding. "Yes, it is. And once you win," she purred, her eyes becoming much more inviting, "we'll have a celebration. Just the two of us."

I felt my skin crawl, but in a good way. "I'm going to win just for that," I said with a confident smirk.

***

"Well, we're fucked," I said flatly.

"SSHHH!!!!!!!!!!" Viking shushed, almost as loudly as I had spoken.

I rolled my eyes at him. "Yes, because pretending to be an angry snake is going to help us kill that thing!" I complained, gesturing to a shape not fifty feet from us. To say it was huge... would earn you a smack to the head. To say it was fucking enormous... would earn you another smack to the head. To say "Holy fucking shit that thing's bigger than a God damned cruise ship!" would actually be about what I had shouted when I first laid eyes on the beast. There may of been a bit more profanity than that, but it was close enough.

So, the two of us- because Light had refused to go in for fear of death- were crouching behind a rather large pile of gold and jewels. Gold and jewels... Gold and jewels... I'm pretty sure I would make a good dragon, because the thought of all of that wealth makes me want to bury myself in it and take a nap. A long nap. And possibly brutally murder anything that comes within a mile's radius of me.

"So, how should we do this?" I asked. This being my very first dragon hunt- barring video games- I had no clue what to do. In Skyrim I had shouts and epic weapons, and in Monster Hunter I had super badass armor and crazy powerful weapons, and even in Spyro I had magic! Right then and there I had measly platemail and weapons that would be better suited for brutalizing hordes of minions than fighting the fucking Dungeon Master!

Viking shrugged. "Like we always do?" he asked.

I smiled darkly. "And a one! And a two! And a one two three four!" I rushed from the pile of treasure, giant mace out and at the ready. "LLLEEEEEEERROOOOOOYYYYYY JJEEEEEENNNKKIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

***

"Oh fuck! Look out!" I screamed, jumping out of the way of a fist as big as my house. Yeah, it was big before, and that was when it was curled into a ball and asleep. Now that it had multiple wounds and was in a still-to-be-determined amount of pain, it looked much bigger. Oh, and it was also very, very angry.

I waited until the fist hit the ground before bringing my mace down, brutalizing one of the fingers.

The roar of pain and anger made the cave, and probably even the mountain, shake. The large firebomb that nearly turned me into a cinder was almost as loud, and a lot hotter.

"Fuck you, asshole!" I screamed at the dragon as I threw one of my twelve knives on my chest. They were pretty damn useful against Changelings, so a dragon might be affected... right? The knife hit its neck and buried itself in the thick scales. But other than that, no real fuck was given that day.

The dragon roared again and took a swipe at me. Unfortunately for my body, it connected and sent me flying across the cave. Fortunately for my body, I landed on a large pile of gold.

I looked to my left and saw a jagged stalagmite with a point sharper than any blade I carried only a few inches from my face.

Another roar shook the cave, and a loud scream shook nothing at all.

As I got up I saw Viking dodging and weaving claws, hacking at them with his huge battle ax whenever the dragon wasn't fast enough to protect itself. "Fuckin' die!" he screamed, crashing his ax into the dragon's gigantic hand. It split open the scales and drew some blood, but nothing really devastating.

I rushed at the dragon, my mace at the ready. While it was distracted by Viking, I managed to get behind it without any problems. Once I was there, I raised my mace above my head and aimed at the back left leg. I thought of my family, my friends, the people I went to high school with, the entire planet, and everything else I hate with a burning passion. Then I pictured all of that being in that left leg. I swung the mace so hard I heard it screaming through the air. When it connected, a sickening crunch was heard and the dragon roared pitifully. Soon after, I was smacked away from it by the tail.

The dragon turned to give me a glare that could kill. Probably literally. It moved to kill me, but as it put pressure on the leg I attacked, it roared again and collapsed on the ground with a resounding thud that shook the mountain.

I smirked to myself as I watched the giant red beast fall. "Not so tough with a broken leg, huh, bitch?!" I screamed, jogging up to it with my mace held at the ready. "You think you're tough?!" I pulled my mace back. "You ain't shit, muhfuggah!" I swung my mace, cracking it against the dragon's head. The left eye, to be specific. Yeah, it was kinda gross, but in a funny way.

The dragon actually screamed as the eye exploded, splattering clear, foul-smelling fluids all over me and the area around me. I wasn't aware that dragon's could scream.

I raised my mace over my head and brought it down on the dragon's lower jaw while it was screaming, shattering teeth that were nearly as big as me.

It screamed again, twisting away from me in an attempt to spare itself pain. Though it didn't count on Viking already swinging his ax at it.

Viking's ax made contact with its neck, just under the jaw. The power he put behind it must have been tremendous, because the ax blade itself was actually inside of the dragon's neck, as was half of the ax's handle. He must have severed the jugular, or whatever it was dragons had in their necks, because dark red blood was spraying out of the wound like it was a broken fire hydrant.

However, it wasn't out quite yet. It thrashed at us, flailing around to try to somehow smash us or bat us away from it. It worked, kinda. Its tail collided with me and its huge fist smacked away Viking. Now we both were laying in the piles of treasure while it tried to limp out of the cave and save itself.

"Get back here motherfucker!" I growled, getting back up and chasing after it.

Viking did the same, yelling something about shoving his ax up its ass.

We both reached it at about the same time. We climbed up its back from the tail and as we reached the long neck, we bot rained down blows on it until it stopped moving. It wasn't dead, but simply immobilized from pain.

I jumped from its back, landing near its head. "You're fucked, lizard boy. Make this easy on yourself and stop fighting."

It turned its head to face me, the one golden eye left brimming with tears. "Why are you doing this to me?" it asked in a booming voice that rattled my armor.

I blinked. Dragons could talk. Interesting... "Celestia hired us to kill you, fucktard," I said scathingly. "You wouldn't listen to her, so now we're here to teach you what happens when you don't do what Celestia says."

It blinked slowly, the tears running down its scaly cheek. "But... my horde is here... I can't just leave it unguarded!"

I snorted. "Don't worry, you scaly-faced fuck, we'll take good care of your treasure," I said meanly, raising my mace up high.

Viking was on the other side of its head, his battle ax high above his head.

The dragon tried one last time to kill us, breathing out a puff of fire big enough to incinerate a hamster, maybe.

I sneered as I brought my mace down, followed by Viking who brought down his ax. Over and over we slammed our weapons into the monster's head, turning what was once recognizable as a face into something that could easily be mistaken for red toothpaste. We broke through the scales, shredded the flesh, and pulverized the skull. Once we were through, we both took turns smashing the brain, effectively turning it into something that could accurately be described as mush. Yep, it was definitely dead.

I dropped my mace on the ground as I fell back on my ass, breathing heavily from the exertion of killing a dragon. My head felt like it was splitting in half and I felt like I was on fire. The overheating was finally starting to kill me.

I took off my helmet and placed it next to my bloodied mace, gasping for air like a fish on land. No air. No oxygen. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. That's what was filling my lungs, absolutely nothing. As I tried to breath more and more I could see spots invading the edges of my sight. Everything was becoming more and more unfocused. "Fuck everything," I croaked out just before I fell on my back and everything started to fade to black.

Then, I heard a voice.

Author's Note

Meh, I've read better action scenes.

Anyways...
I've been playing on this really cool server in Gmod called PonyLiving. It's an RP server where you get to create your own pony from the OC creator add-on. Currently, I've been thinking about taking the teacher job and creating a school house for the foals in the server- because you actually can become a foal- and teaching them about things. Like, real things, about actual stuff. It would be pretty funny if I could actually make some of the idiots that play that game learn something, even if it is a small tidbit of knowledge.
Anyways, I'm not sure if I can actually give out an IP for the server because it would be considered advertising on my part, and I could get in trouble if I did that. So, if you know about the server and own Gmod, good on ya. If you own Gmod and don't know about the server, just look up PonyLiving in Steam groups or in Google Chrome- because fuck Internet Explorer! They have forums and stuff, so you can find the IP there.
Fun Fact: My name in that server isn't Fussan, so if you meet me in there you won't know it. If you go stalker-pro on me and try to sniff me out, I'll ignore you so hard you'll begin to doubt your own existence. Also, if you do go looking for me, do everybody a favor and don't tell everybody I write fanfiction. If they were interested, they'd know already.

Satan Doesn't Love Me...

I looked around me. Nothing. "Where am I?"

My voiced echoed around me quietly before rearranging itself into new words. "Who am I?" the distortion asked.

I looked around again. "What the fuck's going on?"

Again, my voice echoed from nothing into new words. "Why am I?"

I scowled at the absence of everything around me. "Either tell me or don't, but don't be using my voice like a fucking puppet!"

The distortion warbled and crackled before going quiet. There was no sound until my voice spoke again. "My friends, are they alive? Where is everybody?"

I sighed. "Really dude, really? What's happening right now?"

Silence answered me.

I rolled my eyes. "Am I dead?"

The words didn't echo, so much as continue on without end until a loud shriek of sound, like an electric guitar string being pulled too hard sounded out. "Everything has to end, you know. Even you, and even me. Everything will turn to dust and ash and nothing in time."

I raised an eyebrow. "So I am dead?"

Nothing.

"Well, this sure as fuck ain't Heaven, so I'm guessing it's Hell," I said, looking around again. "Though to be honest, I'm a little disappointed..."

Random sounds echoed around me. A cricket chirping, a girl crying, a car crashing, a gunshot, a wave, a shout of anger, all these and more I had no names for. "Nothing is Heaven or Hell, only decision. What is one's Hell is another's Heaven. Nothing can not be everything, just as you can not be you or you can be you."

I worked my jaw side-to-side. "Perspective, eh? Yeah, I could see that," I said with a nod. "But tell me, where am I, exactly? Am I in my own version of Hell, or..."

My words seemed to dance in the air, lingering longer and longer around me until a response from the void was formed. "You are where you are and where you were. If Hell is around you, then Hell is where you are and where you will be. Nothing is set, but everything is laid."

I nodded. "So, say, if I wanted to wake up... Could I?"

Silence met me head on.

I sighed tiredly. "Listen, even if I am in Hell, the lack of deamons torturing the damned and unholy spawns from the world's worst nightmares is kind of a downer, man. I was hoping that when I died I could meet Hitler, or Stalin, or- hell, I'd settle for Henry the Eighth!" I shook my head. "But nothing here is like I thought it would be, and if what I heard is true, then whatever... this is, " I said, gesturing around me widely, "is fucking bullshit. I pictured Hell full of deamons, abominations, and nightmares. And my version of Heaven is- admittedly- pretty much the same, only I'm on the giving side of the whip." I put my hands on my hips impatiently. "So, I don't know if I'm in some kind of Purgatory or something, but what you said, or what you did, is bullshit. Pick one."

The sound of a tired sigh met my ears. "You really are an angry, miserable mortal, aren't you?" a deep, booming voice asked. The volume and intensity was much like having a clap of thunder bitch slapping me across the mouth twice.

The world rushed by my head, much like if I was skydiving in fast forward.

I sat up with a gasp, my body feeling like I was taking a bath in ice for the last day. "Good God, Hell is fucking boring," I said out loud. I felt something shift at my side, and, looking down, I saw the good sergeant curled into a tight ball sleeping at my side. The very tip of her tail was over her muzzle and with every breath the hairs would float back-and-forth gently. If I wasn't the hardhearted bastard I was, I would have d'awwed at the sight.

"You're awake."

I looked up to see Viking sitting near a small campfire with a worried look on his face "Yeah, I am... What happened after we killed the dragon?"

Viking shook his head and wiped his eyes tiredly. I had never seen him like this. "Well, you died. Broken ribs tore open your lungs, and we had to take your armor off 'cause it was caved in and almost killed you again."

I frowned, mindlessly stroking along Light's back. "So... why didn't the armor fix itself? That's how it works, Viking. We die, then we get a new body with new gear, like nothing ever happened."

He shook his head again. "You didn't respawn for almost an hour, man," he said. "You were... You were dead. Really dead." He wrapped his arms around himself tightly. "You died, and you didn't come back," he said as he stared into the fire. "You... couldn't come back."

I looked at the fire, staring into the depths of the blaze. "So... what happened after that?" I asked as I looked around me. We weren't on the mountain anymore. We seemed to be in some sort of forest, heavy on the trees with a side of bushes.

"She carried you down the mountain with her legs," he said, pointing to Light. "She didn't want to stay on the mountain or leave you, so I climbed down and she flew down with you. Then she went from bug pony to normal pony again."

I nodded. "Makes sense why I'm wearing my Human Hunter Playermodel again, I guess," I said, mostly to myself. "So, after that you just made a camp?"

He nodded slowly. "I was hopin' you would come back, so I just set up a fire." He gaze drifted over to Light. "She hasn't gotten more than a foot away from you since you died."

I looked down at my lover. My lover... She wasn't a lover. She was love. As much bile as it brought up for me to say it, I think I loved her. We only knew each other for a few days, but... I loved her. I couldn't explain it, nor did I want to. I just wanted to let the feeling I got from her spread. "I'm going back to sleep. When I wake up, we're going back to Celestia," I said. "We need to get back home, ASAP."

***

Five days. That's how long we've been walking, well, trotting for Light. But either way, I decided to tell Light the truth about not being a knight or a merc or anything but a guy who took a job in the hopes of getting home. Viking decided to lose the armor and weapons, seeing no real reason to keep them at this point; he switched back to his Male Model 7 and didn't want anything else blade-wise. I didn't blame him. I was currently sporting an AN-94 across my back, an MP7 hanging down at my right side, and two HK45Cs on either hip, bringing me to six guns with around eight thousand total rounds. I also had a few knives stuffed in discrete places, but that was more for sneaky-peaky things, rather than fuck-you-all-I'm-me-herr-durr type things. Viking had a gun too, an AK-47 on his back with a few hundred rounds, but nothing else. Something about dying after that dragon battle made me paranoid, and I kept getting that sinking feeling that something bad was going to happen. So I made Viking get a gun, and I made Light stay close to me. My guns were all loaded and my trigger finger kept twitching, my eyes roving around and my hairs rising. Something just didn't feel right.

Anyways... Five days on the road. Five days walking from the ass crack of dawn to the pitch darkness of night before the Moon came out. Well, really it was four days, seeing as how most of the first day was a mixture of sleeping, fucking, more sleeping, more fucking, eating, more fucking, and more sleeping, topped off with about two hours of solid walking before fucking some more and finally passing out. But aside from that, it was walking, walking, walking, eating, bathroom break, walking, walking, walking, walking, eating, having a quickie in the bushes, walking, walking, eating, bathroom break, then passing out. I guessed that if this was real life I would have lost several dozen pounds just from the power walking we were doing. Oh yes, power walking. Not quite jogging, but easily three times as fast as normal walking. So much fun... I credit my Gmod energy and stamina for surviving- and on a side note, how I was able to have that much sexy time without my cock falling off.

Today was day six, and we were withing walking distance- hardy-fucking-har- of Canterlot, and in extension, my way home. I wanted my house. I wanted my dog. And I wanted my fucking pizza that I still had cooking in the oven!

"Are you sure you're okay?" Light asked me, worry clear on her face.

I looked around me in a circle, my eyes shifting everywhere at once. "Yeah, of course," I said quickly. "Why wouldn't it be?"

She looked at me with a frown. "Well, you're acting like something's following us."

My eyes snapped to her. "Something's following us?!" I asked quickly.

She shook her head. "No, nonono, nothing's following us!" she assured me, slightly calming me. "You're just acting really... well, paranoid, really."

I gave our surroundings a quick scan before returning my gaze to her once more. "I just feel like... Like... Like..." I groaned loudly. "Damn, what's that feeling? Uh..." I looked around me once more before my eyes widened. "Watched! Yeah, that's it. I feel like something's following us and watching me."

She raised a brow. "Really? Are you sure?" she asked.

I nodded.

She looked around us, glaring at the landscape that made up our surroundings. "I don't know what that feels like, honestly. I'm used to ponies staring, so it's natural..."

I scowled at a particularly suspicious rise in the ground about a hundred feel from our path. I blinked and I could have sworn it moved just a hair's fraction of an inch. "It's like, this feeling of something not being right. Like when you forget something at home and it keeps nagging at you until you remember what you forgot. Like..." I shook my head. "I don't know, but it's bad."

She continued glaring at the areas around us as we walked. "Well, if anything happens, I'll be here for you love," she said.

I felt better at her words. She would make sure nothing happens. She would keep me safe. And if she can't, I'll use everything in my power to brutalize it until nothing's left but a stain. "Thanks, love. I- I feel better now, thanks," I said, an uneasy smile playing at the corners of my mouth.

We shared a smile before she went back to looking ahead and I went back to scowling in suspicion at everything around me. It was because of this that I saw it. "Hey, isn't that Canterlot right there?" I asked, pointing at it.

My companions both looked at it with narrowed eyes. "Yeah," Viking said slowly. "But why does it have a giant fuckin' bubble around it?"

I shrugged. "Maybe it's a pony thing?" I suggested. "I hear giant golden bubbles are popular this time of year."

Author's Note

I did something bad to my friend. I grabbed his arm while I forcefully painted his nails. After that I decided it was kinda mean, so I painted the nails on my right hand to make him feel better. It was a color called "Sinful Colors" and it was one of those paints that reflected like six different colors in the light, but looked like clear coat normally. It was actually... kinda cool looking.
Plus, that day I showed some people my nails and got three phone numbers from girls in my classes. You'd be amazed at how easy it is to get girls to go out with you when you paint your nails. Literally, I had to stop writing for a bit to answer a call from one of them about an hour ago.
Fun Fact: I'm apparently better at painting my nails than most girls in my classes. Should I be worried?

I Love It When A Plan Comes Together...

"Well, that can't be good," I said needlessly as we approached Canterlot. We were maybe a quarter mile from it and from this distance, we could see everything. It wasn't a giant fucking golden bubble. It was a giant fucking golden bubble shield. There's a notable difference between the two, as I'm sure anybody could guess.

Oh, but how we knew it was a shield. Well, it seems that those little Changeling bastards were sorta pissed at me and Viking for killing a bunch of them. And as I may have at some point mentioned working for Celestia, they must have formed the idea of getting revenge by trying to attack Canterlot. So, yeah... There was this giant bubble shield protecting the city, but it wasn't really working that well... There were large, gaping holes in it that had Changelings flying in and out regularly, though more in than out. And before I saw hundreds of them in Trottingham, now I was seeing thousands and thousands of them there. Most were in the city, but a good two hundred minimum were guarding the nearest hole in the shield. The hole that we were going to have to go through to get back to Celestia.

I groaned as I looked at the multitudes of Changelings preventing us from moving forward. "Any chance that isn't because of us?" I asked pointlessly.

Both Light and Viking gave me a deadpan stare.

I sighed, shaking my head slowly. "So, are we rushing in, or are we doing this sneaky-peaky like?"

***

I walked down the path with my AN-94 in my hands. "This plan is retarded," I growled. "If it doesn't get me killed I'll be fucking amazed."

Light shushed me as we approached the first of the Changeling offensive. The Changeling offensive that noticed us and was at that point gathering in numbers ranging in the several hundred.

"Why can't I just nuke them all?!" I hissed out the side of my mouth.

She shushed me again.

We were stopped by the multiple hundred Changelings that came out to meet us. Yeah, fighting about a hundred wasn't really a problem, but these numbers were a lot more than that. Probably close to five or six hundred by my guess. "So, how's it going?" I asked casually.

The closest one hissed at me.

I winced. "Ooh, you might want to get that checked out," I said to it.

A look of worry crossed its buggy face.

"Yeah, my buddy had that too. He needed surgery to get it removed," I said in a sad tone. "Poor bastard, he could never look at a spoon the same again..."

A lot of the Changelings exchanged looks before pulling away from me a few feet.

"Anyways!" I said happily. "I'm here to turn myself in to your queen. I've recently come to the realization that somebody like me would benefit from working with you guys, instead of against you."

The Changeling directly in front of me raised a brow. "Really?" it asked in a gravelly voice.

I rolled my eyes. "No, not really. This is just a plan to make you bring me to Chrysalis so I can kill her, ending the attack on Canterlot," I said sarcastically.

Light's eyes were so wide they might have exploded if I poked them.

The Changeling in front of me glared. "Fine, I get it. No need to get snippy..." it said, trailing off as it turned and trotted away.

I looked at Light and tapped the side of my nose, flashing her a wolfish smile.

She shook her head slowly, clearly not believing what I had just done worked.

We followed the Changelings until they brought the two of us to the entrance of the hole. The number of Changelings only increased, nearing somewhere around eight hundred.

I looked at the large gap in the shield. "Wow, I know Celestia must be old, but she really has to take better care of her holes. This one is so beat up it looks like an army of Changelings have been in and out of it all day. So undignified..." I said with a shake of my head and a disappointed look on my face.

Light snickered at my joke, but most of the Changelings seemed oblivious to the multiple innuendos I just made.

"Indeed it is, my brave knight," a sickeningly familiar voice cooed.

The horde of bugs parted to reveal a much larger roach striding towards me. It was elegant, regal, royal, and butt ass ugly. Well, actually, she was drop dead fucking sexy, in a weird way, but still kind of a good way, but still being weird. "I have heard that you wish to serve me, instead of that Sun-loving foal Celestia?"

I groaned inwardly. Just the way she spoke was fucking annoying. "Yeah, I guess. I don't really see much of a future working for her with all of that 'I love and protect everything' bullshit. With you though, we could easily conquer the planet and sit you prettily on a throne. And I would be next to you with chains and collars keeping your mongrel army in check as your grand general."

She hummed in thought. "But I already have a general..." she said playfully.

I raised an eyebrow. "Really? Who?"

A Changeling slightly bigger than the rest flew forward, its wings buzzing deeply. "I am," it told me.

I nodded. "Cool," I said as I raised my AN-94 up and placed two rounds in its head. Looking back to the queen bug I gave her a slight scowl. "I thought you said you had a general? All I see is a dead bug laying in the dirt."

Her eyes flashed between me and the dead general, nervousness clearly present. "W- well I must have been mistaken," she saved. "I suppose I don't have a general after all. Would you care to fill the position?"

I smirked. "One second," I said. I turned around and waved at a distant hill, some five hundred feet away.

Nothing happened for a few seconds.

"What's going on?" the queen demanded.

That's when the bullet hit. The round snapped by my head, a hundredth of a second later it punched through the Changeling right next to the queen and at least seven more behind that one until the bullet buried itself in the ground.

I turned to the hill, a dark scowl on my face. "How the fuck did you miss?!" I screamed as loud as I could.

***

I was running as fast as I could backwards, spraying every bullet in my rifle at the raging black cloud behind me. I was in the city now, having decided it was best to try to mow as many down as possible and breach the city rather than try outrunning them in an open area.

I reloaded.

See, the thing about Viking is, he doesn't know how to aim. At all. I once saw him try four times to kill a still target at fifty feet with a fifty caliber sniper rifle in our Battle Royale server, and still die. Another example is that in the half decade that I've known him, I can't remember one instance that he actually managed to outsnipe me.

I reloaded.

But, I forgot about that, I guess. I had to have, because in my right mind I would never have let him try that shot if I had remembered how bad he was. But that's water under the bridge, as the saying goes. But, see, the thing is, that water is more of a raging river, and the blood of at least five hundred Changelings is what that water's made of. No thanks to Viking, of course.

I reloaded.

So no doubt he's trying to fight off a few hundred angry Changelings by himself, which, I don't have much faith in him doing. Hell, I was beginning to wonder if I had enough bullets to fight this war. No time to really think about that though, seeing as how the massive black cloud that was probably half of the Changeling army was gaining on me faster than I could kill them.

I reloaded.

So, I was down on luck, without a hope in the world, and impending doom was breathing down my nut sack. All in all, it sounded like my normal Friday night, 'cause I was only fucked on Tuesdays, holidays celebrating freedom, and Kwanzaa. Strange, huh?

I reloaded.

As it was, I was maybe a quarter of the way to the castle, and I was running out of bullets faster than I was Changelings. Running and shooting may be fine under normal circumstances, but these weren't normal circumstances. These were plan-A-through-H-failed-and-now-we're-just-gonna-have-to-wing-it-and-hope-for-the-best circumstances. And under circumstances like those, I find that putting my devious mind to use is usually the best option. Actually, that's pretty much always the best option.

I reloaded.

"Come and get me you little roaches!" I hollered as I ran down a back alley somewhere between the markets and the stalls. Alleys. A city's natural escape route. "Catch me if you can, fuckers!" I yelled, turning a corner and quickly spawning in a crate of nerve gas from the M9K ammo tab. I felt a stabbing pain in my head as I did this. My time was running out, fast.

I made it ten feet away before the first of the Changelings turned the corner after me. Most of them were still flying high above the alley, but there were enough in the alley with me to do some real damage. I spun, raised my rifle, aimed, and fired within half a second.

Everything slowed down. Not because of anything I did, but because I probably had enough adrenaline coursing through my body to restart an elephant's heart. I saw the red hot piece of metal slice through the air. I saw it punch through a Changeling, splattering it. Then, I saw it hit the box. Soon after, I saw the box explode in a huge cloud of red mist.

I heard screams. Pained screams, like something was having its skin torn off. Oh wait, that's about what was happening. The Changelings were going too fast to stop and the cloud was so big it swallowed up a hundred of them, easy. Sadly, the force of their wings was enough to blow away the deadly cloud and the multiple hundred still alive continued to rush at me like a wave of ugly water with the intent to do major bodily harm, because killing is some kind of big fucking taboo in Equestria. The front of that wave met with twenty-nine rounds, the last one having been used for the explosion.

I reloaded.

"Go fuck yourselves!" I shouted as I sprinted down the alleyway. I was running low on bullets. Before, I had well over eight thousand, now I was barely holding five thousand. And I was willing to bet that there wasn't three thousand plus dead Changelings laying all over the city. In fact, I doubted there being even a thousand dead Changelings in the city. Well, maybe not after that nerve gas thing, but it probably wasn't much higher than a thousand.

I spawned myself a dozen grenades, the pain in my head increasing terribly. Pulling the pins off, I threw them one by one behind me as I ran.

BOOM!!!!! Two... three...

BOOM!!!!! Two... three...

BOOM!!!!! Two... three...

This was the pattern that the explosions took up. An explosion, then a few seconds later, another one. I had no idea if the grenades were doing anything, but I doubted they weren't.

I looked behind me as the last grenade was swallowed up by the cloud of angry bugs.

Three ... two... one... BOOM!!!!!

I smiled to myself darkly as I watched what was probably twenty of them splatter all over the walls of the alley. The grenades were working. I would have made myself a few dozen more to kill the rest of Changelings, but I ran out of alleyway to effectively trap them in an explosion with, ending up in a plaza of sorts. I was reminded of the West Side Market from back home. It was an accurate depiction, actually. Stalls and stands full of cool shit, messy, and full of people who I would like nothing more than if they all died violently and painfully. Only difference was that the people were Changelings, not Humans. Still, it's an improvement.

I looked around me in a full circle. Yep, I was completely surrounded by what seemed to be over a thousand angry Changelings.

I sighed tiredly and rubbed my face in irritation. "Oh, fuck me," I groaned.

A small Changeling smiled at me from the crowd.

I scowled at it. "You know what I mean!"

The Changeling looked sad.

I Love You...

The explosion was catastrophic. Everything within what was probably half a mile was gone. Nothing but ash. And if it weren't for my reflexes honed to near-perfection from years of playing CS:S, I would have been gone too. But thanks to key binds, Noclip, God mode, and ADHD driven twitchy nerves, I managed to survive the blast. Although, any other living thing in the blast radius, not excluding the city itself, was gone. Nothing but a crater; a memory.

I clipped out of the ground, breathing hard enough to hurt my lungs and make me dizzy. I used what was the last of my energy in my defense. It was my only chance at living. It was them or me, life or death. Had I not done what I just did, the Changelings would have no doubt overrun the city and killed the ponies here. I couldn't let that happen. Not that I cared about them, but if they all died then I had no way home, and it was literally just a matter of time before I too would die.

"Fucking hell," I said, shaking my head. "And I thought M.O.A.B.s were weak. Jesus..." I landed on the ground, wobbling slightly before making my way towards the castle. The castle that was mostly unharmed by the explosion, but seemed to be missing a significant amount of towers and pillars on one particular side. Oops! Did I do that...?

As I walked I kept thinking I heard things, just barely whispering over the dry wind blowing by me. I kept seeing shadows from the corner of my eyes, disappearing from sight when I looked at them. I thought I felt something behind me, staring at me, but nothing was there. There was never anything there. "Fucking ghosts, man," I said to myself quietly.

"Not ghosts," an annoyingly familiar voice said, rage clearly in it. "No, ghosts can't harm you. But I can!"

I turned, assault rifle raised and finger on the trigger. I looked left, then right. Up, down, left, right, behind me, spun, below me. Nothing was there. "Where are you, bitch?!" I shouted angrily. "Come out here so I can kill you!"

The laugh coming from nowhere made my skin crawl, in a bad way. "Why would I fight you when my army can do it for me?" she said, laughing darkly.

"Yeah, let them come!" I said, doing a full circle. If one thing about stupid action movies remained in my head, it was that the villain always waited until you were distracted to come up from behind. "I'll slaughter them like the roaches they are! Just like I'll splatter you under my boot, you buggy bitch!"

"Has anypony ever told you that you're racist?" the voice snarked. "Never before have I heard such disrespect in one sentence."

I felt something just behind my ear. "But you don't hate us, do you?" the voice whispered. "No, I've see that little drone you've taken up with. Quite adorable, if I do say so myself," she said with a laugh. "No, I don't think you hate us..."

I took a breath, remaining calm and keeping a lid on my temper. If I spun around to kill her, I'd be doing exactly what she wanted. "Actually, yes, I do hate you. I hate your race, your species, your people, your culture, your way of life, your voice- oh, especially your fucking voice," I said venomously. "It's like listening to a two-toned chalkboard being raped by rusty nails, while also hearing a cat being skinned alive. That's how annoying you are to me."

The presence behind my ear left, a slight growl of anger following it. "And who are you to call me annoying?" the voice demanded. "Who are you to do anything? You're just a follower of that Sun-loving foal Celestia! Your loyalties will get you nothing but suffering at my hooves, you impudent oaf! Why, even the most idiotic and dense Changelings have more sense and skill than you!"

I raised an eyebrow. "Really now? So far I've seen two kinds of Changelings," I said, slowly looking around me, searching any kind of disturbances in the dust on the ground or movement in the air. "Stupid ones, and dumb ones. The stupid ones are fine and dandy, at least until they go up against somebody like me. The dumb ones, however, are more like you," I said, a tiny fleck of dust to my right catching my attention. It moved, just a hair's width. "They don't know when to shut up, they're ignorant, they're incompetent, but more importantly," I started, turning ever so slightly, "they're butt-ass-ugly. Just. Like. You."

"How dare you-"

I spun so fast I nearly lost my balance, firing my rifle at the same time. Over the roar of the gun, I could make out a shriek of pain and the buzzing of powerful insect wings, like a giant fly. "How do you like bullets, bitch?! Not too pleasant when those go inside of you, is it?!" I quickly reloaded, searching for the telltale signs I knew would be there there. A drop of blood, a stain of color in the air, signs like that.

Buzzing. Buzzing, and roaring. Buzzing, and roaring, and every other kind of sound that an angry being can make and some that they can't.

I turned, my rifle raised skyward. Well, bubble-shield-ward. I saw them. The thousands of Changelings that were still alive. All of the thousands of them that survived the blast. All of the thousands and thousands of Changelings that wanted me dead. "Why? Why is it always me?"

***

I sprinted faster than those Kenyans in the Olympics do. How? I don't really know, but I wasn't about to question a good thing. No siree-bob, I was not! I just assumed it was because I was panicking from the promise of death not one hundred feet behind me.

My AN-94 had long ago run dry, prompting me to delete it to gain a bit more control of myself, and my MP7 was at somewhere around four hundred rounds, counting the ones in the current magazine. My four pistols were still stocked with a thousand rounds between them, which was sadly, not enough. Nowhere close to being enough.

I reloaded.

"Fucking die!" I screamed, half begging. I couldn't run backwards like before, I was just too tired; too worn down. So I was sprinting past full force, blindly firing behind me into the black cloud-like mass that was the Changeling army. Or, what was left of it. I had killed so many of them it just seemed ridiculous by this point. One thousand? No doubt in my mind said that I has passed that number long ago. Two thousand? Again, I had no doubt that I had done it. Three thousand? I was fairly certain that I was beyond even that. Four thousand? I wasn't sure, but tacking on the few hundred I killed after the blast, I could safely guess that I was passed that as well. My guess was somewhere between forty-five hundred, and forty-eight hundred kills. Yay, genocide!

I turned down a street that was half destroyed from the blast, but still had some buildings and alleys that could shelter me. I sped down the street, the Changelings gaining fast. Not even at beyond my normal top speed could I outrun them. In other words, I was completely fucking fucked. Fuck those fucking fuckers to fucking Hell and back! Fuck!

I ducked into a small shop selling curiosities and baubles of all kinds. I knew the Changelings saw me enter, so I also knew I couldn't stay there. Shame. That shop was really cool.

I smashed the back door off its hinges, speeding through the alleyway again. Alleys, oh alleys. How I love thee... I picked up an idea. Break into a shop, leave the shop to get into another shop, then if at all possible, double back to a previous shop. It was actually pretty good, as far as plans go.

Before long, the Changelings were spread out over a mile of city, no longer in a death cloud, but a death cover. They were watching the alleys and streets for any movement, and making sure that I couldn't escape. While they were doing that, a hefty number of them were searching through the buildings, trying to find me. Just like my lifespan, it was only a matter of time.

I was in the third story of an impressive department store that seemed to sell nothing but quills and sofas. Odd... There were actually four stories to the building, but my bomb had taken much of the roof off, leaving the top floor exposed to searching Changeling eyes. The third story, farthest room from the stairs and with the door blocked by every sofa in the room was where I was hiding. Nothing was getting in the room short of an army. Oh, wait...

I sat against the wall, where nothing could see me from the windows in the room. Unluckily for me, I was right in front of the door for doing this. So if anything looked through the cracks, I was done for. I wished I could just Noclip to the castle, but my head was burning so bad I could hardly focus my eyes. My skin was red from the blood streaking through me at lightening speeds, causing my body to radiate heat like a bonfire. I was hardly able to keep myself from passing out, so putting in a command and flying miles through Changeling ranks was out of the question.

I sat against that wall, my head drooping and my eyes trying to force themselves closed. Everything was spinning and tilting and fading at the same time.

I sat on the porch with my crowd of friends around me. Just me and Anthony was left. I was Ganondorf, he was Mario. We were playing Super Smash Bros. Melee. I was laughing and joking as I fought him. We-

"No." I shook my head, clearing away the dizziness. "Not today," I muttered. I kept shaking my head to stop myself from nodding off. If I did, I wouldn't wake back up. I knew I wouldn't. I knew that if I let myself sleep, death would take me.

I sat in my classroom, scribbling down the answers to my test. It was boring, but it was easy at least.

"Hey, retard!" somebody whispered from behind me.

I kept writing, ignoring the insult. I just had to finish and then-

"Hey, retard! Are you deaf, retard?!" the voice whispered.

I sighed and kept writing. I was almost finished. All I-

"Retard, I'm talkin' to you!" the voice whispered, getting snickers and laughs from the rest of the class. "Are you doing your test retard?! Do you need any help retard?!"

I stopped writing, gripping my pencil hard, my knuckles going white. "I'm n- not r- ret- t- tarded," I said evenly, my stutter kicking up from my anger.

Te entire class laughed loudly, fueling my quickly growing anger.

The teacher snapped her attention to me. "What are you doing?!" she demanded.

I turned around in my seat, glaring at the boy behind me. "He k- keeps c- c -calling me r- retard!"

The teacher scoffed. "Just finish your test."

The boy laughed again, giving me a dirty look.

I took my pencil and stuck it deep into his arm, making him scream. The class started screaming too, but-

"No," I growled. It was darker now than it was before. I tried to move but my body refused to listen to me. "Not today... Not today... Not..."

I looked down at my feet as they swung back-and-forth, not able to touch the ground. I was here for my visit with my counselor. I didn't like her because she always just said everything I did was wrong. I shouldn't have hit that boy, shouldn't have stabbed that girl, shouldn't have beaten that kid into the curb. According to her, everything was my fault.

"Dr. Newman will see you now, young man," the old woman working the desk said.

I sighed and walked behind the desk. The office was down the hall and on the left. I walked in and sat down, still staring at my feet.

"And how are you today?" my counselor asked me.

"I'm angry," I muttered, my speech slurred from a split lip.

She sighed. "You can't always be angry," she said flatly.

I glared at the floor. "I feel angry. Some dumbass hit me in school," I complained.

"Did you hit him back?" she asked.

"Yeah," I said wistfully, a smile touching my lips.

She sighed in disappointment. "I told you not to fight them," she said.

I glared at the floor again. "I had to! He hit me!" I protested.

She sighed again. "I told you, they'll get bored eventually and leave you alone. But until then, just deal with it."

I glared at the floor even harder, feeling hot tears leaking from my eyes. I got up and walked to the door.

"Where are you going?" she asked me harshly.

I looked at the floor in the hallway, my tears dropping onto my stained and torn shirt. "I'm going home," I said.

"Is your parent here?" she asked me.

I walked out the door, ignoring her. I didn't have any parents. I had two people that hated each other and used me like a something to gain leverage on each other. I-

"No. No. No. No... No..." I took in a shaky breath, nothing more than a gasp, really. I heard something in the building with me, not far away. I tried to stand, but couldn't. I could barely even lift my gun up to my shoulder to aim at the door.

My teacher droned on about something or other, I wasn't listening enough to find out what. In truth, I didn't care. Nothing I learned in this class mattered anyways, I knew it all. Something about how the body digests food, using up the vitamins and shit like that. I-

"Excuse me, you, in the back!" my teacher called in his nasally voice.

I looked at him with my usual emotionless stare. "What?"

He glared at me. "I was just saying how the body processes nutrients, but since you seem to already know this, maybe you could tell the class." He crossed his arms over his chest. "Well, young man? We're waiting."

I looked around me. The entire class, two hundred plus fourteen and fifteen year olds, were all staring at me with smirks on their faces. I closed my eyes and leaned back in my chair. "I don't give a shit how it works, I'm not going to become a doctor," I said. "Nothing in your bullshit class is worth knowing, you dried up, limp-dicked, bald, fat, ugly, moronic, bitch ass, faggot ass motherfucker."

The entire class burst out laughing at my words. However, my teacher's face was red with rage. "Get out of my room this instant! You're getting a suspension! Ten days!"

I snorted and stood up, putting my headphones over my ears and pulling on my backpack. "Suck my dick, faggot," I said as I walked towards the door. "I'm never coming back to this stupid fucking school anyways. I quit."

"N- n- no..." I felt myself getting cold, despite the pounding headache and the burning blood. There was banging hooves at the door. They knew I was in here.

"No."

I scowled, my teeth clenching together painfully. What are you, some kind of faggot?!

"No."

My gun readied itself on my shoulder, waiting for that first Changeling to come through. Are you a bitch?! Huh, faggot?!

"No."

I felt my body heat up. Not burning, but the hotness of anger. I grit my teeth as I tied to stand up. Come on, little bitch! I thought you wanted to live! Do you want to die?!

"No."

I pushed myself up, nearly screaming in pain as my joints cracked and my bones creaked. I was leaning against the wall, aiming my MP7 directly at the door. They're going to fuck you, bitch man! Do you want to be fucked?! Do you?!

"No."

I pulled the slide back, readying the first round. The door was nearly down, and I was ready. Are you going to let them stop you from getting home?!

"No."

Are you?!

"No."

Are you?!

"No."

Are you?!

I sneered at the door. "Fuck no."

The door slammed open, revealing no less then twenty Changelings in the hallway. They all growled and hissed at the sight of me.

I silently thanked God that my favorite SMG was silenced, otherwise the entire army would have been after me that second. I pulled the trigger, the little puffs of sound like music to my ears as I watched the rounds tear through my enemies like paper.

Click! I reloaded.

More came up the stairs. Not twenty, but thirty. Again, they were ripped to shreds by my bullets, their thin chitinous hide doing nothing for them.

Click! I reloaded.

More of them streamed up the stairs, rushing towards me like a wave of death. I was reminded of the allways briefly as their bodies joined the ones littering the floor. Their blood spattered the walls and ceiling, creating one of the most beautiful pieces of art I've ever seen.

Click! I reloaded.

So many of them. Too many. Too many to count. Too many to kill. I made sure that the bullets weren't wasted, knowing that every single piece of hot metal had to kill. Had to thin the lines, or I would be the one painting the walls, and cieling, and floor.

Click! I reloaded.

I had killed over a hundred of them now, just in that hallway alone. The hallway was filling up with corpses. I was pleased to see that the dead were making it difficult for the living to get to me. Now it didn't matter if there were twenty or fifty or a hundred in that hallway. They were stumbling so much from the bodies underneath their hooves that they were practically stuck as I killed them.

Click! I reloaded.

I heard a crash. The shattering of glass. I turned to see Changelings streaming in the room from the windows. It was good that there were only two windows, or I'd have been fucked. Now the room was filling up with bodies, as well as the hallway.

Click! I reloaded.

I held my MP7 in my right hand, and one of my four HK45Cs in my left. Because of how difficult it was to traverse the hallway, I used the pistol for that, suppressing the windows with my SMG. The .45 rounds in the pistol were much bigger than the 9x19mm. ammo in the MP7, so one shot to the head or chest was more than enough to stop the Changelings.

Click! I reloaded.

The hallway was almost to the ceiling with corpses now, the Changelings primary way of getting to me now being the two windows. I mowed them down faster than they could enter, killing a good amount still in the street. If the rest of the army didn't know where I was by then, the bodies around the building would give my position away.

Click! I reloaded.

Nothing would stop me from getting home. Nothing. Not Changelings, not running out of bullets, nothing. I was fixed on getting back to my shitty life on Earth, with my shitty job and shitty friends, and shitty house. Even though it was nothing but garbage made pretty, it was still mine. And by the gods I fucking wanted what was rightfully mine.

Click!

My MP7 was dry. I didn't need it. I deleted it, gaining a bit more focus on the world and my situation. It was because of this focus that I heard it. A distant banging sound, like that of metal on metal way off in the distance.

Click! I reloaded my pistol, pulling a second one from my belt and going akimbo on my foes.

The rounds went through them without trouble, sometimes even punching through my first target and killing or wounding a second one. This helped me greatly. Equestria was different than Earth. Here, if one was wounded, others would break off from the fight to save it, or at least make sure it didn't splat on the ground before continuing to attack.

Click! I reloaded.

Reloading pistols was much faster than anything else, so despite the smaller magazines, I could easily rack up more kills. The bigger bullets also helped this greatly. I think I was getting maybe three more kills per second with akimbo pistols than I was with my MP7 and pistol together.

Click! I reloaded.

I heard the noise, much closer now. But more than that, much of the Changeling army was breaking off from me and going after the sound. I had no idea what it was, but I was praising every pagan god I didn't believe in for the reprieve. That noise may have just saved my life.

Click! I reloaded.

The flow of Changelings was now more of a steady stream than a raging river. The hallway was completely blocked by bodies, and the windows were narrow, only allowing one attacker in at a time. This, combined with the source of noise, let me breathe again.

Click! I reloaded.

I found out what the noise was. It was Viking. I saw him from the window just as a dead Changeling fell from it. He was holding an M249 SAW, swaying it back and forth, spraying into the crowd of Changelings like a madman. When he had to reload, a peculiar Changeling at his side would create a green bubble shield to protect them while he readied the gun for firing. When he was ready, she would drop the shield, and he would continue to wreak havoc on the buggy bastards.

Click! I reloaded.

"Viking!" I yelled from the window, firing my pistols into the faces of various Changelings. "Viking! Up here!"

He turned his head, still spraying away at his attackers. I saw a wide grin split his face. "Hey! I found ya!" he yelled happily over the roar of his gun.

I fired my last bullet into the head of another bug. "Is there a way to get down?!" I called, reloading rapidly.

He nodded, reloading as the green shield went up. "Under you!" was all he said.

I looked out the window, seeing what looked like a little cart of hay. I smiled brilliantly. "IIIIEEEEEEE" I screeched, imitating an eagle cry as I jumped out of the window.

"You're fuckin' crazy!" Viking laughed just before I landed in the cart of hay.

I sat there for a second, contemplating just how awsome that was. I shook my head, vaulting out of the cart and rushing to Viking's side. "We need to get to the castle!" I yelled over the SAW.

The Changeling at his side ignored the danger presenting itself to us, flashing me a dazzling smile. "Love! I'm so happy to see you!" she cried, lifting off the ground to give me a quick kiss.

I grinned back at her, firing my pistols and showering the both of us in a splatter of gore. "I was dead without you, love," I said, barely loud enough to hear. "I was so scared."

She smiled at me, a few tears racing down her chitinous cheeks. "I love you," she said.

I clenched my jaw. I knew why she was saying it. It was the same reason I said it. "I love you too."

That was it. The words were out there, for better or for worse. I'm not sure either of us really meant them in the way they were meant to be used. Her, maybe. But me? I wasn't sure. Maybe... But I do know that I didn't say that just to make her feel better. I said it because I had to, for one very simple reason. There was the very, very real possibility that this was probably going to be our end.

Author's Note

Internet! Oh, thank the Gods you're back! I've missed you so much!
Hello, my beautiful readers, how are you? Good? Good.
So, my internet went out Friday, preventing me from posting this update. But, believe it or not, it was a blessing in a way.
See, normally it takes me anywhere between four to six hours to write a chapter. But without the distraction of the internet, I was able to work much, much faster. So much so, that I wrote the last six chapters to this story from the time I woke up at eight AM to the time I went out to lunch at six PM. After that, I decided to make a nice little surprise as well. Saturday, I woke up at eight again, wrote the first four chapters of what's probably going to be my next story before the show came on. After I watched the show, I read three new stories (The Ballad of Echo the Diamond Dog, Daring Done, and Pinkie Pie's Free Candy Van) all before it was dark out. After that I decided to keep writing, finishing two more chapters of the new story.
Today is Sunday, and thanks to tech services, my internet has been restored! Praise the pagan gods! Praise them or die!
Anyways, the last chapters of this story are literally being pushed through final editing and published as you read this, so if you want to stick around, this story will be done by tonight.
Also, If you're really interested, I'll be putting up a nice little surprise for you lovely fellows tomorrow around 4-5 PM EST. If you want to, swing on by and let your sense of wonder be tickled.
Before I go do the next chapters, I want to tell you something that's actually really fucking important. There SHOULD be an update to my stories EVERY WEEKEND. The only reasons there wouldn't be are:
A. I don't have any active work at that time.
B. I don't have any way to connect to this site.
C. I'm either hospitalized or dead.
I know I'm sarcastic, but I'm not joking with that last one. Every day I walk through gang territories to get home. One of my friends got shot to death on his front porch as he walked out of his house because he knew somebody in the Bloods gang. Another of my friends was killed in a drive-by shooting for the same reason. All of this happened on the very street I walk down. In an obscure way, I'm affiliated with the three largest gangs around my city; the Bloods, Crips, and the Folks. I have friends in all of these gangs. Good friends that would give me the shirt off their back if I asked them to. The way I see it is that either makes me safe, or it makes me a target.
I try to avoid the worst parts, but sometimes I have no choice. If I disappear, there's the very real possibility that something happened to me. I just wanted to let my readers know this because I think of you all as friends, however distant.

A Family's Love...

"Watch your side!" I shouted, straining to be heard over the gunfire and the screams, growls, and buzzing of the Changelings. By now, they learned that rushing in meant death, and opted for shooting balls of green energy at us instead. Now, I know that I'm magicproof, but this wan't magic, per say. What they had was refined and weaponized energy in its rawest form. Energy, the thing that makes computers run. And I just happened to be a computer program. So, imagine my surprise when I was clipped by one of these green balls of death, and it fucking hurt like a bitch. Yeah, not fun.

So, to avoid dying a horrible, painful death at the hooves of glorified cicadas, I came up with a plan.

Step one: Mirage makes a shield to cover us.

Step two: While in the shield, kill as many Changelings as possible with bullets.

Step three: When not shooting, run like that crackhead from Friday.

Step four: Get to the castle without dying.

Step five: Get home and far away from this insane land of talking magical ponies!

It was a flawless plan, if I do say so myself.

"Above!" I yelled, firing Viking's gifted AK-47 into the face of a ballsy Changeling. The head exploded, further soaking us in bits and pieces of dead bug.

Yeah, the one thing wrong with the plan was that while the balls of death couldn't hit us, Changelings could still get through. The only reason why our bullets could go through unhindered was because they were solid objects, not modified by magic at all.

"I got seven rounds before I need to reload!" I announced.

Viking nodded once, firing at Changelings that got too close, but only hitting them once every ten or so shots. The SAW isn't that accurate, but damn. I call user error on that shit right there.

We weren't going as fast as we could be going, which bothered me. Mirage, apparently, was not a multitasker. Talking and magicing? Sure, it can be done, but don't expect a full conversation. Flying and magicing? Hell no. Don't even try it.

Mirage was jogging at a lazy pace, her eyes narrowed from the stress of maintaining a shield large enough to fit all three of us while under fire. She looked tired. Almost as worn out of the two of us.

I gave her a reassuring smile. "Almost there," I panted. "Just a few more blocks, love. Just a few more blocks and we're home fucking free."

She flashed a small smile quickly, then it was gone before I actually had the time to see it. Her concentration taking back over and her face going back to narrow-eyed and dead set.

I looked up to see the Changelings gather ahead of us, probably planning to cut us off. "Stop those bugs!" I shouted.

A throat cleared at my side.

I gave Mirage a toothy smile. "You're not a bug, love. You're my love bug," I said with a waggle of my eyebrows.

She gave a sort of half-snort half-laugh type thing, but kept up the pace.

We were close. So close. So... fucking... close... "Twenty seconds!" I yelled. We were twenty seconds away from the courtyard gates. Thankfully, they were open. Probably not for us, but, meh, I'll take it. Hell, Celestia was probably consoling the ponies, telling them that we were dead and that we died hero's deaths trying to save them all.

"Ten seconds!" I yelled, moving slightly faster, anxious for getting to safety. The gates were so close I could almost touch them.

"Five seconds!" So close now... Almost... Almost...

"We're through!" I cheered, celebrating by firing my last rounds at the Changelings, killing four more of them.

"It matters not, you foalish cretin!" that same, agonizingly familiar voice yelled. From where the voice came from, the queen bug appeared from seemingly thin air. Queen Chrysalis, in all her termite glory. Although, she now sported new holes in her body. Three in her legs, one in her side, and one that seemed to pass just under her jaw, tearing at her neck. She looked horrible, bleeding profusely from the bullet wounds I gave her and looking only half alive.

I stopped our little party of adventurers, reloading my AK-47 with a fresh magazine. "So, we meet again," I said in a dramatic voice. "Tell me, how's life as a target practice dummy treating you? Good? Good."

She glared at me, blood trickling from her barred teeth. "You have given me nothing but flesh wounds, imbecile! To think that you could actually hurt me?! Ha! You make me laugh with your stupidity!"

I rolled my eyes. "Listen, I can totally appreciate evil monologue. Probably even more than you, actually. But we really do need to get into that castle behind you, so... Get the bloody fuck out of our God damned way, you cunt sucking whore!" I said, more of a snarl than anything else.

She blinked. "That was the filthiest thing I've ever heard in my life. And I'm an immortal Changeling."

I snorted. "You've obviously never heard me on a bad day," I muttered darkly. "But the point remains, move, or be moved," I said, scowling.

She started giggling. Then that soon turning into chuckling, which turned into laughing, which turned into guffawing, which turning into something sounding like me when I've eaten too much spicy food, and ending with a fit of coughing.

I raised my eyebrow at her. "Done yet?"

She glared at me coldly. "Yes, I am," she said as she lit up her horn in a blindingly bright green glow. "And so are you," she growled. I could hear the sneer in her voice. Her jagged, black horn shot a ray of light at us too fast for me to see properly, impacting it against our shield. Surprisingly, it didn't kill us.

I looked on in awe as the two magical wonders clashed, creating sparks of every shade of green imaginable, and all of those that are not. It was like, being high on acid, while tripping on PCP, while at an Alice Cooper concert, while being drunk and getting punched in the face in the mosh pit. Gotta love them dead babies, man. Am I right?

And just like that time I got punched in the face by a drunk guy wearing a black dress and too much makeup, I punched back. Much, much harder. Though this time, my punch was made of magic. Not my own, mind you. I don't have any magic of my own, sadly. But Mirage did. So, seeing that we were probably about to die because Mirage didn't have enough power to combat the queen roach, I gave her a little boost. "Open wide!~" I sang, wiggling my fingers. I then rammed my index, middle, and ring fingers deep enough in her tight little velvety-soft pussy for the tips of them to brush against the entrance to her womb.

She gasped in shock and pleasure, her eyes going wide and her magical output increasing by six times at the very least. The shield protecting us became a weapon. It flickered and warped, glowing increasingly brighter as the seconds went by. Until finally, the energy in the shield was too much and it exploded outwards like a shaped explosive, actually vaporizing every Changeling near us and throwing back the queen like a ragdoll.

One of the cool things about the courtyard of the castle was that there were statues of shit everywhere. And I mean, everywhere. I couldn't look in any one direction and not see a pony made of stone. But the statue that got my attention was a pony holding a flag. The statue wasn't that interesting in itself, but what was on the statue was. See, the flag had this pointy bit, right on the end of the shaft. And it was on that pointy bit that Chrysalis was thrown on to, skewering her on the flag. Funnily enough, that particular statue was supposed to represent victory. So I suppose it's only fitting that the defeated queen was hanging there like an old cum rag out to dry after a good washing.

At the sight of their queen dead, the Changelings froze. Their queen, their leader, their mother, was dead. They just couldn't recover in time.

Viking and I leveled our weapons at any Changelings within killing distance. The number of survivors was... actually, depressing. At first, there was easily five or six thousand of them. But now? I was only counting five hundred. Max. It didn't matter to us though, not really. We opened fire, obliterating the Changelings that were left while they were still stunned. His one hundred fifty round belt plus my thirty round mag made short work of many of them, taking out nearly a hundred more of them before the rest got the message that it was time to go. We fired after them as they retreated, nailing a few of them, maybe ten or twenty before they were out of range.

I reloaded my AK, now only having about two or three magazines left to use. Looking down at Mirage, I saw something I didn't expect. She was crying. "Hey, hey, what's the matter?" I asked as I crouched down to her level.

She sniffled and wiped away the tears with a hoof. "Nothing, it's stupid," she said with a laugh.

I frowned at her. "Love, nothing you say is stupid. Tell me what's wrong."

She stared into my eyes for a long time, not saying anything. She almost looked... afraid? "Well, it's just that..."

I put my hands on her shoulders, shaking her lightly. "Love, listen. Whatever it is, you can tell me. I swear, nothing bad will happen if you do," I said, trying to smile at her but failing miserably.

She sighed, looking away from me. No, wait. She wasn't looking away from me, she was looking at the Chrys-ka-bob a few dozen feet away from us. "It's just... They were my family..."

I cocked an eyebrow. "I'm not sure I understand," I said.

She sighed again, looking back at me. "Changelings, we... We all come from egg sacs. And the queen of the hive makes these sacs. So..." She once again gazed over at the dead queen.

I closed my eyes as I understood the problem. "We just killed thousands of your brothers and sisters, along with your mother," I said, more of a recount than anything.

She sniffled again, leaning into me. "I don't know what to do. The hive mind told us everything we needed to know, but now... it's just silence." She wrapped her forehooves around me. "What do I do?" she whimpered.

I sighed, scooping her up in my arms and walking towards the castle gates. "I don't know. Personally, I would just start over. No hive, no mind, no evil, murderous siblings. Just me, and whatever I had with me," I said, giving her a small smile.

She smiled nervously back at me from my arms, like a child looking for guidance. In a way, she was. She certainly had the weight of a child. Honestly, she weighed maybe sixty pounds. "So, just start over?" she asked. "Nothing but me, and whatever I have with me?"

I nodded at her. "Exactly."

She snuggled closer to me as best she could. "So, would you like to start a new life with me? Nothing but what we have right now, out in the world?"

My smile slowly faded from my face. It was replaced by a stony look, absolutely void of any and all emotions. "C'mon Viking, we need to see if Celestia and Luna are done with the portal yet," I said, the coldness in my voice giving even me chills.

The small Changeling in my arms gulped nervously, changing back into the good sergeant Light Hoof. I actually felt sorry for her.

I Hate Love...

The walk to the throne room was talking longer than I had expected it too. Probably due to the rush of guards and civilians in the castle, desperately trying to get away from us. It was almost like they feared Viking and I more than they did the Changelings. Maybe it was because, unlike the bugs, we could kill without hesitation, and we wanted to. The literal coating of gore from head to toe was probably a factor in this as well.

The ponies, and even a few other things like zebras, and what appeared to be griffons, ran to and fro through the once-pristine halls. Sobs and cries of fear and wails of agony could be heard throughout the place, like some sick third world hospital. Some were covered in blood and large wounds, others sat or stood awkwardly as if something in their body wasn't quite right. The zebras were nothing but a flash of black and white to me as they sprinted around the crowds, bringing potions to some, salves to others, and even bits of strange food or drink.

The guards kept everything in line, as I would expect them to. Nothing happened without them seeing it. They had nurses and doctors attending some of the more critically injured ponies, while others were left forgotten. Somehow, I knew that those were the ones that wouldn't make it. Even in this peaceful land of happiness and friendship, it seems I've managed to fuck everything up. I couldn't stop a little smile from playing at the corners of my mouth at seeing the delicious chaos and insanity ensue. After all, I was an Anarchist and a Satanist.

Light made me set her down, as not to draw attention to her while we walked. She was the enemy, after all, and they would imprison her. Hell, Celestia might even dig down deep and find what she needs to kill her. Unlikely, but possible. Though, I wouldn't let that happen while I was still able to respawn and create nukes.

The throne room, the obvious place to go. It was just ahead of us. The huge, ridiculously proportioned doors loomed there like giants, guarding over the messy corridors of the castle. We needed to pass through them to get to where I had left Serpent, and to where the portal- if at all constructed- was most likely to be.

We stood in front of the doors for a long time, breathing in the sickly sweet scent of sickness from the populace of this world. The smell of our sweat mingling with the blood and gore from the Changelings. The smell of death, dying, and that of terrible emotions circling around us. We were afraid to go in, or, at least I was. I'm not ashamed to admit that. If I went in there and the portal wasn't open and ready, I was dead. I was dead, Viking was dead, and without us to help her, Mirage would be dead. Oh, and Serpent would be dead to. He didn't come on the trip, so he didn't matter.

I exhaled heavily and pushed the doors open. They were surprisingly light, considering how large they were. But I wasn't thinking of the doors, I was thinking of what lay beyond them. Celestia, Luna, and the six friends I've come to know and hate. But more than that, there was a large structure in the middle of the room, resembling that gateway thing from StarGate. That show actually kinda sucks, honestly.

We walked in the room, getting the attention of them all. Well, Dash's attention was fixed solely on me. The cyan coated rainbow pegasus shot into the air like a bullet, flying at me faster than I could react. She collided with me, almost knocking me over as she kissed me like doing that was the answer to the question of life.

Forgetting everything else, I kissed her back. Our saliva and the gore coating me mingled between our mouths, adding a sour and salty taste to the kiss. Somehow, it only made it better.

She broke away, breathing heavily in my face. "I missed you," she said quietly.

I nodded, bringing my forehead to rest on hers. "I know. I missed you too."

A throat cleared to our side, getting both of our attentions.

I looked over, as did Dash, to see one sergeant Light Hoof giving me something between a glare and a stab to the throat with her eyes. "Uh, Light, this is Dash," I said awkwardly. "She's... a very good friend of mine."

Dash looked between the two of us a few times before giving me a questioning look. "Who's this mare?" she asked, just a hint of anger in her voice.

I took in a deep breath. "Dash, this is Staff Sergeant Light Hoof. I met her in Trottingham, and since then we've been together," I said. "As a couple."

Dash looked at me for a while. Something in her eyes seemed to go out. "Oh, t- that's cool," she said lamely, pulling away from me to glide over to her friends, standing with them once more. She flashed me a pitiful excuse of a smile, giving me the idea that she was in a great deal of pain.

I put an arm on Light's head, rubbing behind her ears. "It never would have worked Dash, you know that just as well as I do," I said softly.

She nodded jerkily, turning her head away from me. Poor girl, she was probably crying.

I sighed and walked over to the princesses, Viking at one side and Light at the other. "So," I started when I was within punching range of Celestia.

She fixed me with what was probably the coldest looked I've ever gotten in my life. "You killed the dragon?" she asked stiffly.

I nodded. "Aye, the dragon's dead. But I was wondering what would happen to its hoard...?" I said, more of a suggestion.

Her gaze dropped in temperature even further. "Technically, half of it's yours since you and your friend slayed him," she said.

"Donate it," I said immediately. "I want this country to know how to defend itself. Properly, Celestia. Without the powers of the Sun and magic." I looked over my shoulder at the barrel of my AK-47. I looked back to her. "I want the majority of it to be spent on defensive weapon technology."

She nodded solemnly. "I think... that may be a wise idea," she said slowly. "But what of the rest?"

I smiled, my mind going off to a far away place. "I want a trust fund set up for Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle. Nobody can touch it, not even their parents or siblings, or any kind of authority of the bank or government," I said, giving a scowl to the ponies that made up the Elements of Harmony. "They're to get an allowance every two weeks. Just enough to let them live comfortably, not enough to blow it all on something stupid. And I want it accessible to them only when they become old enough to get their own homes and jobs."

She raised a brow at this, genuinely surprised. "It will be done," she said, turning to Viking. "And what of your share?"

He shrugged. "I don't fuckin' know," he said simply.

I scowled. "Dedicate all of it to the reconstruction of the city," I said, anger in my voice at Viking's stupidity. "If there's any left over, build a fucking wall. Not that little fence you've got going out there, but a fucking wall. With pillars and cannons and vats of boiling oil."

She grimaced at the last few suggestions, but nodded. Then her gaze turned to Light Hoof. "Sergeant?"

Light stiffened immediately, snapping into a salute. "Yes, your highness?" she responded.

Celestia raised a brow again. "Six days ago I received a report from you, detailing the battle in Trottingham. Two days ago I received another report, detailing the reconstruction and rebuilding of any damaged property."

Light's eyes went wide.

"Tell me, sergeant. How is it that you can be in two places at once?" Celestia asked. A simple question, with unbelievably complicated answers.

Light stammered for a few seconds, her words all trying to get out at once. Finally, she made a weak response. "Your highness, I don't know what you're talking about," she said lamely.

There was a few seconds of silence in the room. Well, other than the cacophony of death and dying outside in the halls. Then Celestia lit up her horn, a golden aura surrounding it and Light. There was a clash of magic, then Light's disguise vanished.

She stood there dumbly, eyes wide and her knees shaking as she stared at Celestia.

The Sun princess glared at the Changeling standing before her. "The answer is simple, Changeling. You can not." Her horn ignited once more, the glow from before returning, but much more intense.

I stepped in between the two, giving her a look rivaling that which she gave me before. "You will not harm her," I said, the threat clear in my voice.

Celestia glared at me. "Her kind destroyed this city, and because of them, deaths occurred!" Celestia spat.

My gaze turned from cold to freezing. "It's war. Death always happens. Get used to it, or step down."

Celestia extinguished her horn, glaring at me. "You would defend her?" she said, more of a statement, really.

I could clearly see my reflection in her eyes. I looked terrifying. "To my last breath, princess. I love her."

Celestia's eyes widened, but only a fraction. "She's a Changeling! She can manipulate your emotions to make you believe that you love her, but you don't!" She took a step closer to me, her eyes burning. "She's using you!"

I snorted. "Like you were with that dragon?" I said scathingly. "Yeah, funny thing. I died, as in real death. The only reason I came back was because of Mirage."

Her glare softened slightly. "How can you be sure she isn't using her magic to influence you?" she asked me.

I looked behind me. "Love, are you using your magic to influence me?" I asked Mirage.

She shook her head. "No, love, I would never do that to you. I love you just as much as you love me."

I looked back at Celestia, a smug little grin on my face. "That's how I know."

Her horn ignited, bathing me in a warm light.

"The fuck are you doing?!" I growled.

"I'm checking you, to make sure nothing is wrong," she told me.

I raised an eyebrow at her. This glow felt wrong, somehow. Like it was burrowing into me and sifting through my very being. It- I gasped in pain, feeling like something was just ripped out violently by the roots.

Celestia's face wasn't a glare of any kind. No cold glare, icy stare, or anything like that. It was a pitying look. One that displayed great sadness.

I felt cold. I wasn't sure what had just happened, but I had an idea. A horrible idea that made me sick. I turned, facing Mirage. Staring into her eyes with such an intensity that it almost hurt. Nothing. I felt nothing. No kindling fire. No warmth. No joy. No happiness. No love. I felt nothing. Nothing, but a quickly building rage. "Why?" I asked as calmly as I could.

Mirage shrank back from me, her ears flattening against her head. "I- I had to. To save myself. You were killing them all, and-"

"Why?" I asked, louder this time. I could feel my very bones shaking, the burning rage inside of me rocking me to my very core. I was shaking enough that it hurt.

She took a step closer, a teary smile on her face. "Love, I really do love you. I swear it on my life, I do. Please, believe me." She looked so small in that moment.

My hands clenched into fists, the knuckles cracking loudly. My very bones ached as the rage inside of me spread faster than a wildfire. "You lied to me."

She came closer, flying up to my level and putting her hooves on my shoulders. She looked so deep into my eyes I figured she'd get lost. "No, I never lied to you. I love you, I do. You're the only one in the world who showed me affection, even knowing what I am." She leaned closer to me. "Please, love, know that I love you. That was never a lie, and never will be."

The rage peaked. "Liar!" I screamed, pushing her away from me roughly. "You're a fucking liar! Everything you said was lies! Nothing you say is true! It never was!"

She looked at me pleadingly. "Love, I-"

"You don't get to call me that!" I screamed, my hand streaking towards her. It connected, the knuckles actually splitting open from the force I put into it. I sent her flying across the room, spinning out of control.

She hit the wall, sliding down it with a pained groan. She looked up, a large blue bruise already forming on her cheek. "Please, love, stop."

I stormed towards her, fire burning brightly in my eyes. "You've been using me like a puppet!" I accused her. "I'm nothing but a free meal to you! Nothing but a source of energy!"

She smiled sadly. "No, love. You're not. I-"

"Stop calling me that!" I shrieked, my throat popping painfully. I swung my fist at her, bringing it across her bruised cheek again.

Just like last time, she was sent through the air, spiraling towards the other wall and smacking into it painfully. From her new spot on the ground, she looked up at me sadly. "Please love, stop. You're hurting me."

I was standing over her in seconds, my rage growing to painful levels. She wouldn't stop it. She just wouldn't stop! She wouldn't stop being her! I screamed, bestial and rabid as I swung my fist towards her. I felt it connect, just like I felt her head snap to the side. I needed to feel it because I couldn't really see that well, my eyes were blurry with tears.

She smiled, despite everything. Despite me beating on her and hating her, she smiled. "Love, you're killing me. Please, stop, I don't want to die. I want to live. With you."

I looked down at her blurry form. My entire body was shaking and screaming in pain. Not pain that's caused by anything normal. No, the pain I was feeling was something deep inside of me. As if my chest was pried open by a crowbar and my insides were being torn out. "You lied to me!" I screamed, my fist swinging down.

There was a loud crunch.

I sank to my knees, finally letting go. I sobbed openly, pulling my shattered hand from the wall and cradling it in my lap. It was one of the most painful things I'd ever felt, but still a small tingling next to what I was feeling inside of me.

Hooves wrapped around me, pulling me into a warm embrace. "Shh..." Mirage shushed me, rocking me gently despite my much larger form. She hugged me tightly, as if she never wanted to let go. "It's okay," she said quietly. "You stopped. It's over now."

I wrapped my good arm around her, pulling her as close to me as I possibly could. "I'm sorry!" I wailed pitifully. "I'm so sorry!"

She shushed me again, rubbing her hoof up and down my side softly. "It's fine. I'll heal from it. Don't worry about me, love. I'll make everything better."

I sniffled back a sob. "Put the spell back," I croaked out.

She tensed up a little bit, I could feel it. "I can't, love. It doesn't work that way," she said gently, her hoof continuing its upwards path on my side.

I choked out a sob, burying my head in her chest. It wasn't soft and fuzzy like it was when she was a pony, but this somehow felt more right. "I hate you," I moaned out. "I fucking hate you so much. I wish you were dead." It was only half true, honestly.

She sighed into my hair, ruffling it slightly. "I know," she said, kissing my forehead lightly. "I know, love. I'm sorry." She pulled away from me, leaving me with more pain inside than before. She gave me a sad smile, green blood staining her teeth.

"Don't go," I begged. "I need you."

She shook her head. "But you don't want me anymore," she said sadly. "It would kill us both if I stayed." She leaned forward and gave me one last kiss on the lips, deep and loving. Then, she was gone.

I knelt there for a long time, my rage slowly leaking out of me with my tears. I hadn't cried in so long. I had forgotten what it felt like. When the tears ran dry, the rage was long gone. It left me empty inside. I felt like nothing but a shell, a husk that was broken.

A voice made itself known. "The portal is ready," Celestia said softly.

The emptiness was filled again, almost instantly. Not burning hatred and rage. Something much worse. I was filled with freezing ice. The kind that stops me from caring, from feeling.

I remembered a promise I made to an alicorn in another universe, weeks ago. And with that memory, came a simple realization. This was all Celestia's fault.

Welcome Home, Love...

I stood next to Viking as we stared into the swirling vortex of glowing lights. It was much like when I was sent to Molestia's universe only this time it was one solid texture. One solid color, though with varying shades. It was hypnotizing, to be completely honest.

Serpent had already gone through, as Luna had told us. They weren't sure if it worked, so they pushed Serpent's frozen body into it to test it. Apparently, he made it through unharmed, though whether or not he's a vegetable, nobody knows.

I looked at Viking. "You go through first," I said.

He looked at me oddly. "What if I die?"

I shrugged. "Then you die. If you stay here you die too."

He sighed, looking back at the portal.

We again just stood there, staring at it. It really was pretty. The swirling hues of red seemed almost malevolent, but welcoming at the same time. Yeah, that described our world pretty well, at least to Humans.

Viking sighed again, walking forward slowly. He stood in front of the vortex, his breathing picking up. I supposed I'd be nervous too, were I right in front of it. With one last heavy sigh he walked through. No scream, no roaring, no blood spewing back in my face. Looks like he made it through.

I took in a breath. I knew that they were all staring at me expectantly. They wanted me gone, and I wanted to leave. But first, I had a promise to take care of...

I turned, a wide smile on my face. "So, here at last, eh guys?"

They all looked at me oddly.

I chuckled. "Well, I was planning a big speech for when I was here, but it done slipped my mind," I said with a laugh. "So, I just wanted to say thank you to all of you."

They all looked at each other with distrusting faces, before turning those faces to me.

"Twilight, you let me almost rape you with a bat," I said, looking at her.

She turned away, blushing like mad.

I continued. "Rarity, you let me use your body to scar my friends for life," I said, chuckling at the memory.

The white unicorn's face turned crimson as she looked away from me.

I looked to Applejack. "Applejack, you and your family made me feel at home. Your brother let me get some anger out, and your sister and her friends helped me relax," I said, a dark smile crossing my face.

She gave me an odd look, but held her tongue.

I scowled at Pinkie. "I don't like you."

She whimpered and looked at the floor.

I turned a small smile to Fluttershy. "Fluttershy, you were probably the closest thing to a friend I got here. And for that, I express my deepest thanks," I said, smiling at her.

She blushed, but nodded at me with a smile of her own.

Finally, I turned an even look to Dash. "Well, I can't say much. You know how I feel about you. I like you, and we fucked. To me, that's probably as close to love as it'll ever get in my life." I grinned at her. "But damn, you were good at it. I'm glad I got to experience that with you."

She adopted a small blush, muttering something similar to me and not making eye contact.

I breathed in heavily, turning to the princesses. "Now, for you two. I hate you both more than you could ever imagine. Celestia tried to kill me, and Luna made it worse by adding insult to injury. I hope you both die in a horrible, painful, and if at all possible, torturous way."

They both glared at me hard enough to shatter mountains.

I laughed. "So, it's time for presents!" I cheered. Waving my hand over the area, I spawned in seven boxes, six smaller ones for the ponies, and one large box for the alicorns. The headache was massive, but it was worth it. "So, my little ponies, it's time I departed," I said with fake sadness.

I turned to the portal, striding towards it purposefully. Then I stopped. My smile abandoned me, a hard look replacing it. I turned back around and waved my hand over the windows in the room, getting more pain in my head.

"Now I can leave," I said quietly. I took in one last breath and walked through the portal.

***

I opened my eyes, gasping for breath. I sat up in my chair, pulling my face off of my keyboard and leading a thick trail of drool from my space bar to my mouth. I looked around me, seeing the inside of my house in the dim light of the setting Sun. Seeing the clock on my wall, I saw that it was just past seven. In the weeks that passed in Equestria, I had only been asleep for three hours.

Or... was I in Equestria for three weeks? Was it a dream?

I looked at my hands. I didn't feel burning hatred or icy abandon. I just felt the mild headache I always seemed to have and the normal hatred that came with being me.

Sighing, I turned off my computer and stood up. My blood-stained wife beater was soaked with drool, and my stretchy shorts were sagging low from the awkward way my legs were positioned while I slept. I walked into the kitchen to check on my pizza.

I groaned and facepalmed. I had forgotten to even turn the oven on.

I walked out of the small kitchen and headed for the stairs. "M-Dog!" I called. "Where are you, dog?!"

A curious bark from my mutt came from upstairs. M-Dog was a mix between a German Shepard, an Irish Wolfhound, and a Husky. Three of my favorite dogs mixed together made one ugly motherfucker. But damn, was he a good guard dog. I once saw him chase down a squirrel and maul it into pieces in seconds.

I picked up my iPod and phone from the small table near the door where I had them charging. Full battery life for each of them. Pocketing the iPod, I dialed one of the four numbers I had on my phone.

"Hello?" a grizzled voice answered. Saul, my boss.

"Yeah, Saul, it's me," I answered back.

"Oh, well, are you okay? It's almost closing time and you never showed up today," he said, the rasp in his voice making a hiss in the phone's shitty speakers.

I sighed. "Saul, I quit."

The was nothing but the sound of machines and industry through the phone.

"Saul?" I said. "Are you there?"

"... Yeah, yeah. I'm here," he said slowly.

I frowned. "Did you hear me?" I asked.

"... Yeah, I heard you. But I don't understand."

I sighed again. "I need a change in my life, Saul. Thanks for the job, and all, but I'll be expecting my last check in the mail by the end of the week."

Saul sighed into the phone. "Listen, I can give you a raise if that' what you want. You're my best worker, here."

I hung up the phone, stuffing it into my other pocket, the one without my iPod in it. Rubbing my face, I walked over to where the staircase was. My room was upstairs, and I was feeling more tired than ever before.

BING!

I groaned as I turned around. I hated the sound of my doorbell for many reasons. But the top being that it meant that somebody wanted to talk to me. And even though I try to make myself as unappealing and horrid as possible, there's always some asshole who's willing to give me the benefit of the doubt and a second chance.

I walked up to my door and looked through the glass. I saw a woman, pretty too. I opened the door, scowling. "Nobody's home, go away!" I shouted in her face, closing the door again.

Her hand stopped the door before it could close. She pushed it back open and smiled at me. "I thought you said we could hook up?" she said playfully.

I raised an eyebrow. As she stood there, I studied her for a few seconds. She was tall. Almost as tall as me, even. And I was well past six feet high. She looked white, I think. Maybe half Italian or something like that, but white for the most part. She had an angled face, intelligent and experienced beyond my belief. Her snug white sweater hugged the biggest pair of tits I'd ever seen in my life. She wore black leggings that seemed to flaunt her lower body. I could actually see her ass from the front, and also from the front, I could see the leggings tightening up at her crotch. Fuzzy white boots covered her feet. But what was most interesting was her eyes and hair. Her eyes were a light pink, as was her long, flowing hair. Her hair... it was somewhat sparkly.

She smiled at my seductively. "Aren't you going to invite me in?" she teased me.

I scowled at her. "Do I know you?"

She laughed. That laugh... Oh God, no... "Have you forgotten me already?" Her eyes narrowed into a smirk. "Have you, Blackie?"

My eyes went wide. "Oh, fuck me sideways."

She grinned toothily. "Only if you say please..."

The Epilogue To This Lovely Story...

The ponies stared at the boxes, not trusting them in the least. Something could explode, or kill them, or let loose an evil upon the world.

Pinkie squeed happily, tearing open her gift with the gusto of a fat person starving in a truck full of Twinkies.

"Pinkie, wait!" Twilight yelled. But it was too late. The box was open. Though, what was in it seemed strangely... harmless.

Pinkie stared in confusion at the gift. A cake. A see-through cake. She circled it multiple times, even looked at the top and bottom of it. But she didn't understand it. "What is it?" she asked herself.

Rainbow Dash looked at it with a raised brow. "It looks like a cake," she said, needlessly.

Pinkie reached out a hoof to touch it.

There was a bliping noise, startling them all. But what was more, the cake was no long see-through. It was a normal cake, with white frosting and pink borders. On top were frosting balloons and streamers, as well as a large candle in the shape of a smiley face.

Pinkie gasped in excitement of the cake. Extending her jaws to impossible proportions, she engulfed the whole thing, swallowing it in one bite. But the cake was still there. She gasped again, once again swallowing the cake whole. The cake was still there. She squealed with excitement. "Infinite cake!" she screamed, stuffing her head into the cake and munchig on it loudly.

The rest of the ponies looked back to thier gifts. He openly insulted and hated Pinkie, and he gave her infinite cake. What could he have given them?

Rainbow Dash tore open her box. What was inside, though, confused her more than Pinkie's gift confused Pinkie. She pulled out a small black box with a comically large red button on top that said in big black bold words "DO NOT PUSH".

Twilight looked at the box skeptically. "Rainbow, maybe you-"

Rainbow pushed the button. In the next second two things happened. One, a large hulk of metal appeared next to her, nearly crushing her friends. Two, a note floated down and landed on her muzzle. She grabbed it with a hoof and looked over it.

Dash, I'm sorry I left you. But to make up for it I gave you the fastest jet known to Mankind. It has a top speed of Mach twelve. To my knowledge, that's faster than you after you hit maximum speeds and create that rainbow bomb thing. Enjoy.

- A Friend

She put the note down and looked at the jet. A smile started creeping across her face.

Applejack and Rarity exchanged a look before both of them opened their boxes. They both pulled out things that made little sense to them.

Applejack pulled out a pair of keys between her teeth. They jingled once, and something large and green appeared next to her. Again, just like with Rainbow Dash, a note floated down. She read it.

Applejack, as much as I dislike you, you're a friend of a friend. This is called a tractor where I'm from, and it can plow a field twenty times the size of yours in half the time you could with your old plow. Take it.

- A Friend of a Friend

Rarity pulled out what looked to be a rock. A simple, dirty rock. A rock with a note on it. She took it in her hoof, because magic didn't work.

Rarity, I don't like you. But because you're friends with my friends, I'll give you this. Crack it against the floor, put it together, then do it again

- A Friend of a Friend

She quizzically looked at the rock, dropping it on the marble floor. It burst open, and countless gems and jewels of every shape, size, and color tumbled to the floor.

Her eyes widened as she put ot back together, then quickly bashed it against the floor agian. And again, more and more gems came out of it.

Fluttershy slowly took the wrappings off of her gift, folding them neatly at her side and peering into the open box. Her eyes went wide.

The thing jumped out of the box, knocking into her and tumbling her over onto her back. It licked her face.

Fluttershy squeed and hugged the adorable baby wolf tightly, snuggling it closely.

Twilight, the last one to open her box started carefully tearing off the paper. She peeled it off carefully, as if scared that whatever was inside of it would try to eat her. She tore off the last piece of paper, and the box sprang open. She tentatively looked inside.

"Hello, master," a posh, slightly british voice said.

Twilight screamed, jumping backwards almost ten feet.

All of her friends were instantly in defensive positions, glaring at the open box. Something, or somepony, was alive in there.

"Master? Hello?~ Master?~" the voice called.

Twilight slowly crept up to the box, peering inside once more. Seeing what was in it, she cocked a brow and reached in, pulling out a blank, simple book. She stared at it. "Um, hello?" she tried.

"Hello, master," the book said, pulsing with light with every syllabol. "How are you this fine evening? Well, I hope."

Everypony present was eyeing the book curiously at this point. "You're... a book?" Twilight said dumbly.

The book sighed tiredly. "Yes, I'm a book," it said, as if it were tired of this particular situation. "I'm made of dead trees and chemicals. I contain words. Ooh, mysterious.~" It huffed loudly. "Not that anybody actually reads anymore besides the master."

Twilight looked at her friends who all shrugged. "Who's... 'the master'?" she asked.

The book sighed dreamily. "Ah, the master. He took such good care of me. Cleaning me off every day, listening to me complain about life..." It sighed again, as if remembering a fond memory. "I love that man like a brother."

"You mean that violent psychopath that likes to blow things up?" she asked, not believing that they were talking about the same person.

The book cleared its throat, however that worked. "He prefers the term, 'mentally unbalanced'," it said with an edge of anger in its voice.

Twilight's eyes went wide. "You mean...?"

"He was actually crazy?" the book finished. "Oh yes, he was quite mad. I would often times overhear his arguements with himself in the middle of the night. Sometimes, he even lost." It cleared its throat again. "But, I still think the doctor he saw about his, erm, hallucinations, was a quack. We never even got to see his credentials."

All of their faces lost a bit of color when they heard that he was indeed, very much insane. "So, why are you calling me master?" Twilight asked the book.

It sighed in annoyance. "Well, I suppose it was inevitable, really. The master always said how much I needed a vacation, and now that he's found somebody he believes can read like he does, he's given me to you."

Twilight opened the book out of curiousity. Flipping through the pages, she found it blank. She closed the book again. "Well, how am I going to read you without any words?" she said, slightly annoyed at being made fun of by a book.

The book sighed again. "Let me clearify, little horse. I'm not a book. I'm the book. The beginning and the end of literature as it exists."

Twilight raised a brow at this.

The book sighed again. "My name is Paige. Yes, I know that's a girl's name, but that's what the master named me in honor of his cruel sense of humor." The book, or, Paige, cleared its throat again. "You see, I'm magical. I can sense when words are being made, erased, or read. And in my memory, I can recreate any writing of any language from any time in any plane of existance. Hence, why the master wanted to give me to you." Paige sighed again. "He thinks that because you owned a puny, insignificant little library, that you must be competent enough to handle reading from me."

Twilight glared at the book. "I'll have you know that my library is second only to the Canterlot archives!"

The book scoffed. "Oh please, I was there when these 'archives' were made. The master was niether impressed, nor interested in reading your primitive pony scribblings. The master only reads things that are worth his time, or that can hold his very picky interests."

She frowned. "What do you mean?"

Paige sighed again. "I'm saying, little horse, that the master is above your species. He has read your precious archives' quantity ten times over in his free time alone. Had he decided to become a scholar, the master would have easily transcended even the greatest works of art."

Twilight's eyes slowly widened as she realized what was being said. "You mean... that..."

"That the master is a genius?" it finished for her once again. "Yes, he is. He actually broke a scientific record, believe it or not. A test to determine one's reading ability. A test designed by real scientist in a lab somewhere. Well, his adeptness in the literary arts was so high, he wasn't able to be qualified for the test. His score was a twelve-point-nine, simply because the test couldn't go any higher."

Twilight eyed the book, thinking about the man that came to their world. "He's a mad genius..."

The book chuckled lightly. "Yes, that's one way to put it, I suppose. Though I wouldn't, personally."

Twilight's eyes lit up. "I want to know everything! Show me everything!"

Paige sighed again.

Away from the six ponies, two alicorns stood together, staring at the box that was as big as them with well-hidden fear. They could detect no life within, nor anything else for that matter. It was an alien expirience to them, not being able to do anything at all with their magic.

"Should we open it?" Luna asked.

Celestia eyed the box with interest. She would not lie, this box intrigued her more than anything else in the long years of her life. An alien being from another dimension that can do anything, make anything, and the very fabric of reality and beyond bends to his whim with the wave of his hand? It was like meeting Discord all over again, but this time it didn't threaten the world, only the two of them. But the others got pleasant gifts. Wonderous gifts that made them smile. What could be in this curious box?

Celestia set her jaw and reached for the box with one hoof. At her touch, it exploded open with a loud bang.

Everypony in the room looked at the cloud of smoke that the box made with interest.

When the smoke cleared, a simple little box floated in the air. Suspended by means invisible to them all.

Celestia grabbed it in her hoof and looked at the small words on the screen. "Please activate to spawn," she read aloud. She frowned. "What does that mean?"

The box's screen suddenly flashed bright white, blinding them painfully. Beeps and whirs and other such noises were heard before the light faded. And when it did...

There, standing where the box had previously been, was a pony. A pegasus stallion sporting many deadly weapons. He smiled evilly, opening his mouth and spoke in a horrifically familiar voice. "So, you didn't think this was over, did you?" he said.

***

As the lone earth pony mare walked down the broken streets of Canterlot, she sighed. Her head was hung low, her glossy black mane obscuring her vision slightly.

Everything was going so well for her. She had finally found somepony special. Somepony who didn't shun her and treat her like a monster. Somepony who would have probably loved her even without that stupid bucking spell!

She growled to herself, kicking a large piece of rubble as hard as she could. Her crimson red coat had been stained by now from the mess that was Canterlot city, so the bits of dust she got on her from the rubble didn't bother her. In fact, it almost matched her sandy eyes perfectly.

She sighed, dropping her head low again as she thought about that. They weren't her sandy eyes. They were that stupid sergeant's sandy eyes. They-

Something hit her on the head, bouncing off and falling in front of her.

She rubbed the back of her head as she looked at the thing that had hit her. A small parcel wrapped in black paper with a red ribbon on it.

Picking it up, she pulled the ribbon off with her teeth and nosed the lid off. She gasped.

Inside was a necklace. A golden locket. The shape was of a heart with a large, jagged crack running down the center.

She flipped it open, and tears started running down her face again. Tears of sadness and joy, mingling together.

Love and Hate go together well.

- A Distant Love

Author's Note

So, it's finally over. I had fun, and that's all that matters in the end. Not much to say except for thank you. Thank you to all of the people that kept reading this disaster of a story. Thank you for keeping me going with your comments and support. Without you guys, I'm just a lonely guy sitting at a computer with a half-talent for entertaining people. If I were a pony, my Cutie mark would be something that represents my ability to fuck up everything around me beyond belief. I'm just glad I can do right by some of you out there in writing these things.
Have a nice day.

I Love Roleplaying...

I clicked the button, and the world was destroyed. The nukes went off, the hundreds of thousands of innocents screamed, and I smiled. I saw the mushroom cloud from across the city, and even though I was pretty far away, I could still appreciate the beauty of death and destruction. My partner, Soria, laughed as I wiped away a metaphorical tear. After all, I didn't want to stain my turban.

She looked at me with a certain gleam in her eyes. "Somehow, I think you set this up just for me."

I gave her an innocent look. "What? Why would I ever do such a thing? I nuked that city purely for the sake of nuking a city!"

She raised her eyebrow at me, clearly not believing me. "Oh really? And I suppose that you didn't take into account that destruction is my second biggest turn on?"

I growled in the back of my throat. "Really? Only your second? What's your first?"

She laughed and pulled out her .357 Magnum, aimed it at the waiter standing behind us, and shot him right in the head. "Well, to be completely honest... It's murder. The more brutal, the better."

Even though I knew she couldn't see it through my face mask, I smiled broadly. Pulling out my M136 Minigun and holding it in one hand, I took off my Ray Bans, and put on a pair of Aviators. Tinted black with gold rims, of course. "Shall we?" I asked in my amazing Russian accent.

She donned her akimbo AK-47s and smiled at me. "Would you be so kind?"

I pulled out a bag of weed and rolled up a joint, sticking one in her mouth and a large blunt in my own. "Ready now?" I asked with false impatience.

She laughed and puffed on the joint, blowing out a perfect ring of smoke and flashing a dirty smile at me. "Of course, my love."

With a nod from me, we jumped off of the top floor of the Twin Towers, deployed our parachutes, landed on top of a dark green El Camino while the top of the towers exploded from the anti-matter bombs I put in there before we left.

I got in the driver seat while she stood on the roof, shooting anybody that survived the explosions with her AKs. The roar of her guns, mixed with the rumbling of the engines, plus the explosions, made this one hell of an exit as we drove out of the city and directly into the sunset. The bloody screams and crying of the innocent was just the metal icing on the badass cake I just baked in my epicness oven of supercoolousity.

I pressed Esc and exited the game, saving the final screen shots of my newest frame-by-frame short film. I smiled happily. "God I love RP."

I looked at the clock, and seeing it was only four, I scowled. I was hoping to have killed a few more hours, but it seems that this day just refused to end. "Bloody planet... Why can't you spin faster, you fat fucker?!"

Sighing, I decided it would be best if I just found something new to play with on the game. I opened the workshop, and searched for the most trending NPCs and Playermodels. The very first thing didn't interest me, seeing as how I wasn't a fan of that particular game. "Fucking Megaman... Stupider franchise than Sonic." But what did catch my attention was a group of colors. Staring at my screen, I saw that it was something involving little ponies full of color. They were smiling.

I laughed to myself, picturing all of the horrible and obscene things I could do with these little creatures. I read the description, seeing it was full of two kinds of people. Some, praising the creator and thanking him for putting this into the game. Others... eh, not so much. The word faggot seemed to be the only word that they could come up with, so the brain capacity of those individuals was obviously lacking in some aspects, so I ignored them.

It also said I need some other crap, so I subscribed to the add-on, plus a bunch of other pony stuff on the workshop. At one point I came across a pack of children ponies. The thoughts of doing horrible and painful things to innocent kids was enough to make me feel a stirring in my loins. Naturally, I instantly subscribed to it.

Feeling the sickening joy I feel when I'm about to do something that could possibly get me arrested for crimes against Humanity, I started a map I found when searching for pony-type things. Something about Ponyville, or some equally stupid name. I mean really, what if we named Cleveland "Humanville" or "Homo Sapien Town"? I'll tell you what would happen. Bad shit man, bad shit.

Anyways, I was loaded in the game and I set my Playermodel to the best one I could find, which was some pony with a badass cowboy hat. Her name was... Applejack... Applejack? Really? No wonder people called ponies faggots with names like that.

I smiled toothily as I set up my bondage props and every kind of blade I could find. I was thinking that maybe I could make a quickie frame-by-frame, just for myself. Self indulgence, you know what I'm sayin'?

I decided to string up Pinkie Pie and used Twilight Spar- Twilight Sparkle? The fuck?! Is this some shitty mockery of the Twilight saga? That bullshit was an abomination by itself, and should remain dead, you horsey bitch!

I tossed Twilight into a nearby wall and proceeded to beat her with a crowbar for a full minute, painting her blood over so many surfaces I started to lag.

Just then, I had an idea.

I dug through my add-ons, and upon finding the magic circle, I set up a sacrifice using a new, not-dead Twilight. My smile was hurting me. "Ooh, Dis gon b gud!"

Twilight pulled on the ropes I had tied around her hooves. She couldn't do much, because I had an array of sharp knifes hanging above her, and every time she so much as twitched, they would threaten to shake loose. "What are you doing?! Who are you?!"

I laughed as I walked in, rubbing my hooves together as I pictured doing terrible things to her. "Why, my dearest Twilight, I thought you knew..."

She looked to me, a confused yet scared look on her face. "Applejack? What's going on? Why am I here?!"

I laughed again, hacking and wheezing at the end. "Oh no, my little pony... You see, I've already done away with the others. I'm just using this one's skin as my own for the time being. She's so comfortable to walk around in, like velvet." I laughed again, sending globs of blood out of my mouth and on to Twilight's face.

Her eyes were watering and her lip was quivering. "A- Applejack... Why are you doing this? Is this a- a joke? W- whatever I did, I'm sorry! I swear, I'll never do it again! Please, please let me go!"

I laughed again, but I broke into a fit of coughing at the end, ruining the moment. "Oh, shut up you stupid sack of meat," I said harshly. I pulled my hat off, and my true form became apparent to Twilight. My slimy skin, my clawed hands, my tail. My true, alien, form was brilliant in its own wonderful ways that a fleshsuit just couldn't compare to. "Aahhh, that's much better..." I said in my guttural, rough voice.

Twilight was so scared she couldn't speak. Her eyes were wide and her mouth was open slightly. She looked a little pale, almost like she was going to puke.

I laughed again, sending more blood on to her. "You see, I need your life essence to keep on living. Without it, I would shrivel up into a tiny ball and die. So, as much as I would love to chat, I must bid you farewell. Ta-ta~"

I swung my tail around, dragging it across her face and causing her to whimper. With one last laugh, I pulled my tail back and angled the sharp tip so I could punch straight through her skull. I smiled, causing my acidic saliva to drop to the floor an-

BING

I scowled and looked at the bottom right corner of my screen.

HEEYYYY wats up

My eyebrows furrowed as I pushed Shift and Tab together to bring up Steam. What do you want Serpent?

He replied, like he normally does. With horrible spelling. wut chu doing

I raised a brow. ?

BING

I looked at the chat box and saw that I had a message from... Viking337. Wonderful. What?

Viking replied like he normally does. With even worse spelling than Serpent. did sepent tel u

BING

I clicked on Serpent's tab to see the message. I saw that it was nothing more than an invite to play on our Battle Royale server.

BING

I clicked back to Viking. Same thing.

Rolling my eyes I told them both no and went back to what I was doing.

I pulled my tail back. "Farewell, my dear."

She let out a single tear and closed her eyes.

My tail stabbed through the air and right into her right eye, splattering blood everywhere. While in her skull, I forced my tail farther, breaking it out of the back of her skull and mincing her brains.

I laughed loudly and dribbled my beer as I saw her head go through the floor and the tail of the alien was still stuck in it, so it was being dragged along with it. The physics of the pony were very, very broken. Not that the alien was much better, but it at least didn't get stuck in the world whenever I applied pressure to its head. "Alien Tail! Apply directly to the forehead!" I laughed so hard I didn't even notice what was happening until my computer let out an ungodly buzzing sound that nearly made me shit out my heart.

I looked at my screen to see the pony had lost its textures and was mostly through the ground, with the alien close behind it. The circle was spazzing out and my game was lagging so badly I knew it was probably only as matter of seconds before my entire game went down.

Scowling, I started raping the Z button so hard I thought my finger would snap in half. After a full five seconds, I thought I might be about to save my game... When my computer got the dreaded Blue Screen of Death. "Fuck!" I swore loudly.

The blue screen started turning purple.

I leaned in closer. "The hell...?" I looked behind me. "Was I injected with drugs?" I mumbled to myself.

The screen was completely purple now, and the text was in some language I didn't know. Which is weird because it almost looked Russian, but I knew basic Russian, Spanish, and French. I was even learning Swedish and German as well as Arabic, but none of those looked like this one. It wasn't any kind of Asian, because I didn't recognize the symbols from the time my computer got hacked.

I shook my head and muttered obscenities as I pressed the power button on my PC. But I couldn't pull my finger away, because it was inside of the computer. I tried tugging harder, but that only moved my PC around on my desk. I did the only sensible thing and put my foot on the front of my PC and used my other hand to try to pull myself free. Well, it didn't work, so much as suck my leg in up to my knee and make my PC fall on my lap, which made it devour me from the waist down.

I stared in horror as my body was slowly slipping into my monitor. "Well, I'm fucked." I put my hand to my chin and thought that those were pretty good last words.

I shrugged. Eh, could've done worse.

As my head slipped into the computer, I swear I could smell apples and clean air. I figured it was just my subconscious scolding me for not eating more healthy things or live a cleaner life. I just figured that the feeling of falling was me being dropped down into Hell. Maybe I can meet Hitler? Aw, that would be fuckin' awesome! I wonder if I can actually talk with Satan?! That wou-

"Ow!" I landed on my ass hard enough to know that I would have a bruise. I stood up and rubbed my sore backside with... my hoof? What?

I looked at my hind-end and saw an orange hoof rubbing and orange ass connected to an orange body. "The fuck?"

"Applejack?"

I turned my attention away from my shapely orange ass to a tall white pony with a horn and wings. Celestia if I remember correctly. She was broken as hell and could only spin around and stare at me every time I tried to shove a grenade up her lady parts.

She was walking towards me with a look of concern on her face and staring up at the ceiling.

I looked up too and nearly choked on my own tongue. The magic circle with Twilight and the alien was still spazzing out on the ceiling, and my monitor was in the center of it. I broke down laughing as I saw it from the bottom. The sight was still funny as hell and I laughed so hard I heard my throat pop and I felt like I was going to puke.

"What's goin' on here? I don't approve!"

I stopped laughing and looked to my side. "No..." To my side were not one- but two other Playermodels; a Kliener and a Male Model #7. The Model #7 was staring at his hands and speaking in the voice of my friend, Viking337.

Next to him the Kleiner model spoke in another familiar voice. "O- okay. That's cool too..."

I shook my head. "What the hell...? Serpent, Viking, what the hell's going on?"

They both look at me with odd expressions.

Viking chuckled. "Hey man, why are you a pony? I knew you were kinky, but not that kinky."

I looked down at myself with a scowl. "I was checking out new add-ons when... this happened. What did happen, by the way?"

Viking shook his head. "I don't fuckin' know. I was playin' on the server and the my computer was all pfft. 'Oh no, I'm gonna blue screen!' And then uh, I'm here."

Serpent was looking at himself as he answered. "Same thing happened here. I was just about to take some guy's head off when my computer went down and now I'm here."

I shook my head. "Weird..."

A throat cleared and we all looked to see the Celestia standing in front of us with a mixture of confusion and irritation on her face. "Excuse me," she said. "But who are you, and what have you done to my faithful subject, Applejack?"

It took me a second to process that she meant me. "Uh, I'm not Applejack. I was just walking around in her skin for a bit when this happened. Oh, speaking of, can you possibly send us back to the real world? I think I left a pizza in the oven and I would be pretty fucked if my house burnt down."

She narrowed her eyes at me. "You're walking around in her skin?" she asked quietly.

I nodded. "Yeah," I said slowly, as if I were speaking to somebody who was mentally impaired. "I just said that, so you might have heard that come out of my mouth. But in case you're deaf, just let me say it again. I'm walking around in her skin an-"

She stomped her hoof, making the ground shake and almost causing me to fall. Thank God for four legs! "What have you done with Applejack?! If you have harmed her in any way, your punishment will be severe!"

Well all looked at each other. And then, we laughed.

I fell back on my pony-butt to hold my sides from the pain I was experiencing from the laughter. "Y- y- yo- you- you really th- think that you c- can scare me do you?! HA!!! As if, horse face!"

My friends laughed even harder and louder as I said this.

I shook my head to get the blood flowing again and get rid of the light-headed feeling. "Listen, I didn't do anything to Applejohn or whatever the hell her name is. I was just using her model while I ran around Ponyville blowing shit up."

She narrowed her eyes at me even further. "You were causing explosions in Ponyville?" she asked very quietly.

I chuckled evilly. "Yeah, those damn, dirty ponies didn't know what hit 'em. Boom! Boom! There goes the neighborhood!"

"Uh... dude?"

I looked over to Serpent. "What?"

He pointed to me. "You're a pony, and so is she."

I worked my jaw side-to-side while I thought about what he was trying to say. After a few seconds of thought, I blinked. "Oh..." I looked back to Celestia, who seemed to be building up a reasonable amount of rage and fury underneath her features. "I uh, I didn't mean these ponies. I meant the other ponies. Your ponies are fine and dandy and not dead at all. The other ponies are the ones that were completely wiped out." I tried to smile at her, but except for laughing at the misery of others I just couldn't pull off the facial expression. I ended up hurting my jaw after making it out of "scowl" and almost to "blank", but I clearly didn't do anything to calm her down.

She opened her mouth, and I swear I could have seen smoke coming from in there. I know I saw it coming from her nostrils. "You mean to say," she started very slowly, "that you went into Ponyville, disguised as my faithful subject Applejack, and set off bombs causing harm to the ponies there?"

I swear, she was going to explode any second now. "Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying," I told her without thinking. "But it wasn't your Ponyville, it was my Ponyville!" I added quickly.

Her head and tail hair exploded into a blazing inferno and the creamy white coat turned into the blazing white of a star, her eyes were so red I thought that she may have popped about fifty blood vessels, and smoke was billowing out of her nostrils. She actually looked kinda badass.

"Metal..." I said as I gawked at her.

My friends were both standing next to me, not exactly sure what to do.

"I'm not exactly sure what to do," said Viking.

I nodded. "Do you have a bucket of water?"

He shook his head.

I worked my jaw side-to-side and thought about what to do as Celestia became a Fire God right in front of our eyes. "Maybe... we can piss on her? Like they did with that witch in Robot Chicken?"

Serpent laughed and Viking shrugged.

I nodded and reached to unzip my pants, only to find I was poking myself in my girl-pony-parts with my hoof. I shook my head in annoyance, realizing that I couldn't partake. "Looks like you're on your own. I don't have a hose to douse this fire."

There was a shriek of rage from Celestia, drawing all of our attention. She had her horn lit up a bright gold color and a bright ball of fire was swirling around the tip.

I sighed. "Well, we're fucked."

She reared back, then stomped back down, sending the ball of fire right towards us. Then the ball of fire went right through us, doing absolutely nothing but making us sweat a little.

I looked at my chest, then my hands and legs. I looked at her with an angry glare. "You could have killed us, you crazy bitch! What's wrong with you?!"

Her red eyes narrowed to slits as she charged her horn again. This time, a large shard of ice. As she sent it flying towards us, it shattered into hundreds of tiny shards that pierced our flesh... then went right through the other side causing us absolutely no harm at all.

I looked at my friends. "I don't think she's going to help us. Let's just find somebody else that's not a fucking psychopath."

We all walked away from the monster pony, not really caring that a large storm of lightening was coming our way.

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, just keep trying. I'm sure it'll work eventually. Just believe in yourself!"

The lightening arced towards us, striking each of us in the back with enough voltage to blow up a generator. And then everything was blindness and pain.

Author's Note

Well... here we are again. New story, new possibilities. I've been wanting to do this for a long time now, and I've finally worked up the finger strength to do it. Well, okay, I was bored with my other story and wanted to start something new. Kill me for it. Anyways, I hope you enjoy, because I sure did.

The Love Of My Friend...

"So then what happened?" I asked Applebloom.

She looked behind her to make sure nobody was there. "Well, she snuck off to take a nap!" she scream-whispered.

I gasped. "No... Applejack? Lying about work to slack off?! Inconceivable!" I exclaimed.

She nodded. "Uh huh, she did! And Big Mac got stuck with all the chores fer the rest of the day!"

I shook my head in disappointment. "I can't believe it... Applejack's a dirty, no good liar... And here I was thinking she had some kind of conscience..."

This had been going on for a good two hours now. We were sitting in a nice shady spot in the local park swapping stories and information with each other about different things. I would tell her a story, and she would tell me a story. Only, my stories were about my exploits in battle, and key plays in warfare. Her stories were things I could use to blackmail everybody I've met so far and a few others I haven't. Including, but not limited to: the Mane Six, the mayor, the weather team, everybody in the school, Celestia, a good number of royal guards, and even the richest pony in town, Filthy Rich. That could come in handy...

Applebloom sipped her juice box- that I summoned for her, you're welcome- and let out a happy sigh. "It's so cool that you can just make stuff appear out of nowhere!"

I nodded. "Yeah, it is. But I can't make anything I want, I'm limited to the stuff I have programmed into me. Like, I can summon up food, and weapons, and cars. But I can't even make a pair of decent Ray Bans! It's either Aviators, or cheap knock-offs! I mean, Aviators are cool and all, but I just like the slickness of the spy shades." I summoned up a top hat and placed it on Applebloom's head. "See? I can make a top hat, but I can't make those cool ass hats with the little spin-y things on top."

She took the hat off and thought for a moment. "Well, Ah don't really get how it works, but Ah guess Ah can see how it can stop ya from making things that ain't in yer systems."

I took a sip of my beer and shook my head. "Y'know Applebloom, you're the only one on the planet that I don't feel a burning hatred for. It's weird, but I think I kinda like you."

She smiled at me. "Thanks! Ah kinda like ya too!"

I sighed. "It's a shame you aren't older, though... Then we could talk about things other than who did what, and what our favorite flavors of ice cream are. Like, do you even know what docking means?"

She looked at me oddly. "No... Ah don't. What is it?" she asked me.

I groaned and threw my ice cream at a passing pony, nailing her in the head with the melting treat. "See?! That's what I mean! You haven't reached the age where I can make crude jokes and we can laugh about old people not being able to get it up!" I sighed again. "None of my friends ever want to just sit down and talk... They think I'm some kind of emotionless monster that gets off from watching teenagers get skinned alive."

She made a sour face at this. "Well... are you a monster?" she asked quietly.

I looked at the ground, feeling like I shouldn't even be talking about this with her. "I don't want to be, but I don't know how to be anything else. Everything I do that seems like something a normal person would do, other people are either disgusted or terrified of it. And the things that are supposed to be 'normal' are so boring and stupid that it just makes me angry." I growled and punched the bench we were sitting on, breaking a large chunk of wood off and getting splinters in my gloves. "I know you don't understand Applebloom, but I just wish that I could be somebody else sometimes. Somebody that isn't so... bad."

I felt a touch on my leg and looked to see the small filly looking at me happily. "What?"

She smiled wider at me. "Ah don't think yer a bad pony. Sure, ya punched mah brother, but ya gave me ice cream too! Ah know it don't seem like a lot, but Ah can tell ya ain't a monster." She patted my leg gently. "Ah think yer just a confused pony that needs a couple of good friends."

I snorted. "I don't need, nor do I want, friends. I'm perfectly fine with the two idiots I have following me around as it is. In fact, I would be more than fine if they somehow died in some painful, gory fashion that allowed me to watch."

She cringed back away from me, looking very uncertain if she wanted to stick around me for much longer.

I groaned again. "Sorry, Applebloom, I didn't mean to say things like that in front of you. It's just that I don't like other people."

"Why not?" she asked curiously.

I rubbed my forehead, trying to calm down the headache I had. "I have something wrong with me, in my head. I forget what it's called, but whenever I interact with people I get physically worn out. The more I talk with anybody, or, anypony, the worse my headache gets. And because of that, my temper flares up and I'm so quick to anger that I can get furious to the point of hurting somebody just for them saying hi to me."

She came closer to me, resting her hooves on my lap. "So, is talkin' with me givin' you a headache? Am Ah hurtin' ya by askin' these questions?"

I nodded a little. "Yeah, a little. But after a while I sort of, tune in to people. Like, I barely get headaches from Serpent and Viking anymore after all these years. But Twilight? Pinkie? Your sister? Just being around them makes my head hurt. And whenever Twilight starts yelling I can feel my blood heat up," I told her. I didn't know why I was telling her these things, but I just felt like I should. Maybe it was her cute little face, or the way she looked at me.

She prodded my side. "So, bein' mean helps ya? With the headaches?"

I nodded again. "It does. I don't know why, but for some reason making everybody else as miserable as me makes me feel better."

She smiled at me. "If ya want, you can make fun of me," she told me.

I chuckled and rubbed her head gently. "Nah, I don't want to make fun of you. And besides, you gave me permission, and that takes all the fun out of it."

She shook her head. "Well... didn't ya say somethin' about jokes earlier? And docking?"

I snorted in laughter, almost spitting up my beer. "Uh, yes, I did. Why?" I asked, giving her a curious look.

She hopped in my lap and smiled at me. "You can tell me some jokes to make ya feel better. And if Ah don't get 'em, you can explain 'em to me!"

I rolled my eyes. "I guess, but I doubt you'll get anything I'm about to say. Actually, that's probably a good thing."

She smiled at me excitedly. "Tell me a joke! C'mon, a funny one!"

"What happens when you cross a woman with a man?" I asked.

She shrugged. "What?"

"A lot of screaming and swearing, that's what," I said with a chuckle.

She tilted her head at me. "Ah don't get it."

I sighed and moved on. "One time I went swimming in a muddy river, then I told my girlfriend to take a bath."

She gave me the same confused look.

"Maybe we should call it quits, Applebloom. You don't get any of my jokes," I said.

She put on a determined face. "Ah'll keep listenin' until I get one, I promise!" she declared.

I shrugged. "Whatever you say... So, one time I decided to shave my girlfriend's head while she was sleeping to make her mad. But when I was finished, I realized I had shaved her pussy." I laughed a bit at this one. "I had enough hair to make myself a scarf."

She looked at me oddly. "Wait, ain't that a cat?"

"What?" I asked her.

"A pussy," she said, making me snort in laughter. "Ain't that a cat? Like a pussycat?"

I took in a calming breath. "Sure Applebloom, that's what I meant. So, one time I was talking with my friend and he told me he likes to eat fish. I told him to be careful because he might get a bone stuck in his throat. But he said that he meant his girlfriend, and the only thing stuck in his throat were fish eggs because he had little red bumps all over his face and neck after he did that."

She made a slightly disgusted face. "Why would anypony eat a fish? That's just gross."

I sighed again. "Okay, last one and if you don't get it, we can just go set some neighborhood cats on fire or something."

She looked saddened by this. "Ah'm sorry Ah don't get yer jokes. Maybe Ah am too young..."

I cleared my throat. "So, there was this older man who was having sex with his wife when he had a heart attack and died. But when they were about to hold the wake, he still had an erection from rigor mortise and they couldn't very well present him like that. So, seeing as the wife was in charge of the body, she told the coroner to cut off the cock and stuff it up is ass. Now, during the wake everybody could see a single tear leaking from his eye as they paid their last respects to him. When the wife went up to the coffin she leaned over his face and whispered 'It hurts, doesn't it?'"

To my surprise and horror, Applebloom laughed at this one. Loudly.

I looked at her in confusion. "How did you get this one but not the other ones?"

She was able to control her giggles enough to answer me. "During school, Miss Cheerilee brought in a doctor to have a sex ed. class."

I raised an eyebrow at her. "Oh really now?"

She nodded. "Yeah, and one of the words he taught us was erect. He told us what the parts of the pony were called too."

I nodded. "So you understand the point when his cock wasn't supposed to go up her ass then?"

She looked confused. "What's a cock?"

I laughed a bit. "It's another name for the part on a male, same as dick. And pussy was a name for a female part, though I prefer cunt myself."

She looked at her hooves while she did some mental work. "Oh! Ah get it now!" she yelled. She laughed loudly, drawing the attention of many of the park's visitors.

I chuckled. "Well, it's good to see I've already taken a portion of your innocence. Maybe in a few years I can come back and take the rest," I joked.

We both laughed for a bit as the ponies in the park looked at us like we were insane. Hell, I knew I was, and a few more hours with me and Applebloom would be too.

After a few minutes, she prodded me with a hoof. "Can Ah ask you a question?"

I raised a brow. "If I said no, I would have to stop you from asking that in the past. Seeing as how I can't do that, I guess I'll have to say yes."

She ignored my wording and asked away. "How can a cock go up somepony's backside?" she asked.

I barked in laughter, coughing up half a lung before I could respond. "What? What the hell are you talking about?"

She looked at me curiously. "The doctor said it was supposed to go in the mare's, uh, pussy. So why did he stick it up her backside?"

I shrugged. "It's a fetish called anal. I happen to like it myself, and I can tell you now that it's really nice."

She frowned. "But the doctor said-"

I put my hand over her mouth to silence her. "Listen, that doctor doesn't know shit. I've been involved with this kind of shit since I was six, and I've stored up a working knowledge of everything there is to know about it. So just trust me when I say it can happen. Hell, if it means that much to you I can show you."

She pushed my hand away and gave my a nervous look. "You can... show me?"

I nodded. "Yep. Who knows, maybe you'll get one of those little marks for it or something. Actually, you said you had a couple of friends right?"

She nodded, excited at the idea of getting her mark.

Behind the cloth of my head wrap, I was smiling. "You should get them and meet me at the edge of that forest near Fluttershy's house. I saw a little shed there we can do this at. Oh, and bring some rope, I'm all out."

She jumped from my lap and landed on the small dirt path of the park. "Okay, Ah'll get Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo right away! But, why do ya need rope?"

I chuckled. "Just as a precaution. Y'know, safety first and all that bullshit," I told her.

As I watched her gallop off towards town, I couldn't help but feel bad for tricking her. Eh, I've done worse. Plus, this damn boner won't fucking go away! And what are friends for if not for helping each other out with hard problems?

Author's Note

Even though I'm very much tempted to, I don't think I'll do it... Probably... Maybe... I think...
...
Okay, I'm most likely going to do it.
I'm a terrible person!

I Love You, You Love Me...

I was sitting on Fluttershy's couch, doing pretty much nothing really important. Actually, I was growing bored fairly quickly. No matter what I did, nothing really amused me at this point.

I pulled the Magic Staff from the air and swung it at the wall, not thinking anything would really happen since it was just a model. I was pretty surprised when a large bolt of black fire came out and made a small hole in the wall.

I shrugged, deleting it. "I've seen better."

Next I summoned up Alexis Sinclair, in all her radiant beauty.

She looked around, clearly confused. "Where am I?" she asked.

I scowled, pulling out a .357 Magnum. "And here I was thinking you had a pretty voice," I said, pulling the trigger and making a new hole in her head.

I sighed. "Ugh, I'm bored!" I complained to myself, as Fluttershy had left the small cottage earlier that day. Looking back into my add-ons, I picked one at random and waited to see what would happen.

The dinosaur that spawned in front of me looked just as confused as I was. Well, until it looked at me, that is.

"Fuck!" I yelled, jumping off the couch and avoiding a large mouth full of teeth. As I landed, I raised my gun and fired the remaining five bullets into its head. "Little bastard..."

I waved my hand over the room, cleaning the mess and sat back down on the couch. I shook my head, deciding not to pull anything out at random anymore. Instead, I pulled out an interesting looking little computer pad. "The fuck is this?" I asked myself quietly.

I turned it over in my hands, expecting something to turn on, or a light to flash at me. But nothing happened. I tried shaking it to see if it was motion activated. Nothing happened. I tried pushing some of the buttons, so see if maybe it was off and I needed to turn it on. Still, nothing happened.

I growled at the thing in annoyance. "Stupid fucking add-on doesn't work. Piece of junk."

Then it flashed to life.

I blinked at it, still annoyed. "Oh, now you work? Now you work because I'm fucking annoyed at you, huh?"

The screen went through some kind of quick loading menus before flashing bright blue.

"Language Template: Received.

Voice Template: Received.

Mental Template: In Progress.

Personality Template: In Progress.

Physical Template: In Progress.

Visual Template: In Progress.

Cutie Mark Template: Undefined.

Overall Progress: 27%"

I looked at the thing, not really sure what to think of it. Luckily, I didn't have to think of it, since a beam of blue light shot into my head and gave me a splitting headache. I would have cursed like a trucker, but my entire face was numb as I fell on the floor.

"Mental Template: Received.

Overall Progress: 46%"

As I was picking myself up, I could feel something cold run over my body. It was like a blanket of ice water, but air.

"Physical Template: Received.

Visual Template: Received.

Overall Progress: 62%"

I stood up and grabbed the thing, staring angrily at the little blue screen. "What the fuck are you?" I demanded of it.

"Personality Template: Determining Now."

I raised an eyebrow at it.

"Hello user. How are you on this fine day?"

I scowled. "Fuck you, that's how."

"Wonderful. What is your favorite color and favorite color combination and why?"

"Pink is the real man's color," I said sarcastically. "But the best color is blue. And the best combo is black and red. Very intimidating..."

"Excellent. What is your opinion on your friends and/or family."

I snorted. "Stupid. Very, very stupid."

"Great. What kind of music do you like?"

"I like all music as long as it's not that ghetto wanna-be bullshit."

"Terrific. What is your opinion on politics and the world?"

I chuckled. "It would suit me just fine of the world burned in nuclear fire."

"Very good. Where do you see yourself in ten years?"

I hummed in thought. "Either dead, in prison, or working a shit job because I couldn't find anything better."

"Perfect. Who is your favorite celebrity?"

I chuckled darkly. "I can't decide between Sasha Gray and Marilyn Manson. Also Markiplier is pretty high up there too."

"Good. What is your favorite food?"

"Deep fried catfish, garlic mashed taters with heavy gravy, mac n' cheese, greens, cheddar glazed biscuits, and an ice cold bottle of Jack," I said dreamily, picturing the setup. I was drooling slightly.

"Spectacular. Do you have any trouble with authority or a figure above you in your life?"

I sniffed the air around me. "Quiet down, I smell burnt bacon. The cops must be hear to take away my weed." I raised my fist in the air. "Fuk da pohleece!" I yelled loudly.

The boxed made a few quiet whirring noises before the screen blinked to a brighter shade of blue.

"Personality Template: Received.

Overall Progress: 92%"

I set it down on the table, wary of what it would do if it completed whatever it was trying to do.

"Cutie Mark Template: Determining Now."

I raised a brow and leaned closer to it.

"What is your special talent?"

I thought for a second before answering. What was my special talent? I shrugged. "I'd say it's a mixture of sarcasm, spreading hate and evil, and killing things. Those seem to be what I'm good at." I struck a proud pose. "After all, I am a Satanist, Anarchist, Urban Terrorist, and a Sadist."

The thing beeped and whined for a few minutes, giving me a headache. Well, making mine worse. But after I thought I was about to lose my mind and smash it with a hammer, it stopped.

"Overall Progress: 100%

All Information: Received.

Complete Template: Processed.

Character Name: Pending."

I just said the first thing to come to my mind. "Death. That's a good name, right?"

It made another beep noise before the screen went black.

"Character: Ready.

Please activate to spawn..."

I pushed a big red button. Nothing happened. I pressed a small blue button. Nothing happened. I pressed all the buttons at once. Nothing happened.

"How the fuck do I activate you?" I asked the thing.

It beeped loudly, the screen going white. The screen became so bright I had to squint to stop myself from going blind because of the light.

"The fuck just happened?" I heard myself ask.

The light disappeared, leaving a pegasus pony standing in front of me. He was big. Bigger than Applejack's brother, Big Mac. Not as well built, but taller, and I could clearly see some decent muscles on him; more so than the average stallion in Ponyville, at least. His wings were a lot bigger than any pegasus I'd seen so far too, being nearly as big as Luna's.

He had a shaggy bloody-red coat. His mane and tail were spiky and cut short, with red and black streaks through them both. On his mane though was a single thin line of neon blue. His eyes were an icy blue, giving off a cold look. His left ear was pierced with a small silver hoop, and he was wearing a baggy black hoodie that covered almost his entire body. Around his neck was a pair of enormous red headphones. His Cutie mark was a bullet splattered with blood... and a face wearing a sharp-toothed, malicious grin... with hands... holding a what looked like a Glock 17 in one hand and flipping the bird at me with the other hand.

The most notable thing though, was that he had a gigantic sword strapped across his back. It kinda looked like Cloud's sword from those Final Fantasy games. He also had two large daggers strapped to his left side, which had broad blades and looked quite deadly. On his right side was something resembling a steampunk style flintlock pistol, only it was a revolver with about ten barrels.

"Wow, that's pretty fucking badass," I said to the pony.

He looked himself over, a slight scowl on his face. "Where am I? One second I was listening to this stupid little box and then I'm here as a pony."

I chuckled. "It was me, not you that was talking to that stupid box. I think it made you as a pony me."

He raised a brow at me. "Or you could just be a Human me," he said.

I shrugged. "Either way, you look fucking awesome. Nice blades, by the way."

He chuckled. "Yeah, thanks. Not sure how I'll use them with hooves, but I guess I'll learn."

I smiled evilly. "Want to learn right now?" I asked.

He flashed me an evil smile of his own. "I'd love to."

***

Four hours and many, many, many, brutal murders later we stood facing each other. He was using his wings for balance, thanks to the holes in the back of his hoodie, and was standing on his back legs holding his sword in both of his front hooves. Surprisingly enough, ponies can grab things really well and it only took him a few rounds of practice to get me with his sword.

Thank God that he was a clone of me, because I nearly shat myself after I accidentally killed him. But I began breathing again after a few seconds when he respawned.

But being a clone of me, that also meant we were perfectly matched. I knew what he would and could do, and he knew what I would and could do. I knew his tactics, and he knew mine. I knew his strengths and weaknesses, and he knew mine. It was like if Chuck Norris fought Chuck Norris, the only difference being I had slightly less chest hair and my hair was black.

We circled each other on Fluttershy's lawn, the house long since abandoned due to being kinda destroyed by us.

I smirked. "So... you ready... to... give up...?" I asked between pants of breath.

He chuckled weakly. "I... never... give up. You... know that..." he responded, just as winded as me.

In my hands was a bumper sword from Fallout: New Vegas. On my back was the Damascus sword from M9K, and on my right leg I had strapped two machetes. I also had about ten knives for throwing purposes on my chest, just in case.

"You know... you... can't win... right...?" I panted.

He laughed again. "Oh really... now...? Why... is that...?" he asked me.

I gestured behind him with my sword. "Fluttershy's... back... and she... brought... the others..."

He used his sword like a mirror, calling my bluff. "Nice try... but no..."

I smiled darkly at him. "Fine... I'll just... kill you... the hard way..." With that I charged at him. I brought my sword down on him, just barely missing as he jumped away. Even though I had much greater reach and superior strength, he was faster and more agile.

"Nope!" he jeered, preparing for an attack.

I growled and charged him again, not letting him get on the offensive. I rained down blows, every time my sword connected with his he winced from the force of the impact. His speed did him no favors as he blocked me.

"Fucking die!" I screamed loudly, putting easily three times the force into my swing. The result was his sword being knocked away. But seeing as my sword was just a bumper from a car, it broke into about four pieces.

He smirked at me. "Good job... bro... You really... did good... there..."

I pulled out my knives, one at a time I started throwing them at him. My first knife missed. And my second. And my third, fourth, fifth, and sixth. But my seventh knife got him in the leg, stumbling him.

I cheered, throwing the last three knives and hitting him twice, Once in the wing and once in the same leg as before.

I pulled both of my machetes out, sprinting at him like a madman. But as I swung, I felt a sharp stab in my side. He got me with one of his daggers.

"Take that! You... bitch... Ha!"

I staggered back, taking the dagger out and tossing it to the side. "L- lucky... shot..." I hissed out through my teeth.

We went back to circling each other. Me bleeding heavily out of my side, and him with one wing and his left front hoof disabled. I knew that he was trying to wait me out. Just like I knew that he knew that I knew that.

I clenched my teeth and charged him again, raising my machetes in the air. But what he didn't expect was that instead of slicing at him, I kicked him in the gut.

He let out an "OOF!" as he sailed through the air about three feet back. He was lucky, saving himself with a roll.

I didn't let him get up, charging again. That was a mistake.

He used his one good wing to point his revolver at me and fire. The first shot hit my side, the next hit my hand, taking it off.

I yelled out in pain, desperately throwing my second machete at him. I got lucky and managed to slice off at least half of his good wing.

He screamed out, falling to the ground and clutching at his bleeding wing.

I continued the charge, limping at him as I drew my Damascus sword off my back.

He tried to draw his second dagger with his stabbed wing, but couldn't manage it because of the pain.

I reached him, kicking him in the jaw and nearly breaking it. As I put the tip of my sword at his throat, I smirked. "Any last words, heretic?" I asked in my best Arabic accent.

He spit blood on my leg, scowling. "I am no heretic, fool!" he spat in an accent just like mine. "I am free! You, and all of those like you are blinded to the truth!"

I laughed. "Is that what Imam told you? That you are free?" I leaned down, very close to his face. "You are nothing but a gang of fools, lying and stealing in the name of your false God. You will not see Him when you die. You will only meet with darkness, like that of your precious Imam's heart."

He scowled at me bitterly. "You may speak foul of Imam and our God. But it is you, who will meet nothing in death. Not I."

I sneered in his face, pushing the blade through his neck and twisting it. "Tell your fake God that he will meet with flames. If he is even there to welcome you into Hell," I jeered, laughing to myself.

I pulled the blade out and stabbed him in the chest multiple times before losing my balance, dizzy from blood loss. Falling on the ground, I relaxed myself and let the darkness invade my vision. "Soon..." I said quietly. "Soon, my dearest. We will see each other again. Soon... Soon... Soo..."

I felt myself fall away from my body, everything going cold and numb.

I respawned. "Good match Death."

He respawned in front of me, smirking. "Yeah. I almost got you too."

I laughed to myself. "Well, speed is nice and all, but if you can't keep up a block you're fucked. I-" but the sound of far off voices interrupted me.

"Well, looks like training is over," I said.

Death gave me an odd look. "You don't want them to see me?"

I shook my head. "Nah, they'd freak out. Plus you probably need a break," I told him.

He snorted. "Not any more than you do," he snarked at me.

I shrugged. "Not gonna argue that. Just try to practice with some Arachnids or something."

He nodded, giving me a lax salute.

I saluted back, waving my other hand over the area to clean the lawn, the house, and myself.

A few seconds later, I saw Fluttershy, Dash, the bitchy white one and Twilight come up the road.

Dash and Fluttershy pick up the pace and reach me before the other two. "Hi!" the both say at once.

I raised an eyebrow at them, crossing my arms over my chest. "And where have you two been all day?! I was bored out of my mind here waiting for you to come back!"

Dash rolled her eyes and flew up to my level, kissing me. "Nopony said you had to stay here, y'know?"

I shrugged, giving Fluttershy an expectant look.

She shrank back a little under my stare. "Um, yes?" she asked.

"Aren't I getting a kiss from you too?" I asked her. "After all, you did say that we were together when the great white bitch came here looking for me."

She blushed heavily, but flew up to me and gave me a quick kiss. Immediately her face turned bright red and she zoomed inside of her house. But I know I saw a little smile on her just before she flew off.

I looked to Dash, getting a glare from her. "What?"

"I thought you liked me?!" she shouted in my face.

I chuckled as I rubbed her head. "I can't like more than one mare in the world?"

She put on a pouty face. "Well, I guess..." Then she smiled saucily. "But only if you promise that I'll always be number one."

I laughed at her. "That spot requires work, little lady. You know that just as well as I do."

She gave me the bedroom eyes. "You know I do," she said suggestively.

"You know you do what?" Twilight asked as she reached us, breaking the mood.

I groaned inwardly. "Nothing you would know about, Edward. Why are you even here?"

She looked like she wanted to say something nasty, but held back. Instead she levitated a scroll into my hand. "It's from the princess. Your eyes only, apparently. Both of your friends got one too."

I noted a hint of jealousy in her voice from us all getting a letter and not her. I smirked at her evilly as I opened it, letting Dash read it over my shoulder.

My eyes went wide. "No fucking way..." I whispered.

Dash looked closer, her eyes wider than mine. "Whoa..."

I heard Twilight clear her throat.

Looking at her, I scowled again. "What?"

She gave me an expectant look.

I snickered. "No thanks, I'm not kissing you."

Author's Note

What was on the letter dude?
You'll find out in a later chapter.
But I wanna know now!
Too fucking bad dude, I'm not telling you!
But- but- but... I NEEEEEEEEEEEEEED TO KNOW!!!!!!!!
Just because of you, I'm not working on the next chapter today. Probably not tomorrow either.
*le gasp* But- no! I'm sorry! Keep writing!
Eenope.
Aww...

As I was describing Death's weapons, I realized that my imagination is probably more detailed than my words are. So I found some pictures on the internet- not mine- to give you an idea of what the blades and gun look like.
http://th04.deviantart.net/fs28/PRE/f/2008/132/f/1/Buster_sword_by_Wen_JR.jpg
http://fc01.deviantart.net/images3/i/2004/091/a/4/My_Dagger.jpg
http://www.urbanghostsmedia.com/home/twamoran/urbanghostsmedia.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/steampunk-nerf-blaster.jpg

Love Dictates Them...

"Get the fuck off of me!" I screamed as I was tackled to the ground by no less than ten guards. "I saved your fucking lives you ungrateful little shits! Let me go!"

I went down with the sound of screaming Changelings in my ears and the heat of the fire at my side. I also heard some of the city's inhabitants scream, but mostly I think they just ran away.

"Hey, let him go, ya little fuckers!" Viking yelled, trying and failing in fighting off a dozen guards.

I punched one of the guards in the face, getting a spray of blood on my visor. I credited that to my metal gauntlets. "Get off of me you fucks!" I swung my fist and connected with another pony face, getting more blood.

"Get them under control!" the sergeant yelled. "Use your magic you idiots!"

I heard a shout from where Viking went down. It wasn't him.

"Magic won't work sergeant! What do we do?!" a pony yelled.

"I'm immune you bitch!" I growled, pushing most of the guards off of me.

"Get him under control!" she yelled again, though this time she sounded more nervous.

I nailed another two ponies in the face before I could get to my feet. It was about three seconds before I was on the ground again with that quiet stallion from before standing over me with a smirk on his face.

I kneed him in the gut and followed up with smashing my armored forehead into his unarmored one. It sucked to be him with his worthless helmet.

He stumbled back a few steps before falling on his side unconscious.

As I stood again, the guards drew their weapons and circled me. "The fuck is wrong with you?" I growled at the sergeant. "I saved all your asses and you attack me?! The fuck?!"

She glared at me. "You murdered them!" she shouted, pointing her hoof at the now-silent bundle of burning Changelings. "They were to be imprisoned and questioned, and you murdered them!"

I snorted. "It's not murder when they're your enemy, sergeant shit-stain. And if we don't kill the rest then the others'll be back and try to kill you all again!"

"There is no killing!" she screamed. "There's never been any killing! The losers are imprisoned until they've learned their lesson! Killing isn't right! It's wrong!"

I shook my head at her. "Really? Celestia herself hired me to kill the dragon that's hold up in the mountain. It's only wrong when there's no reason behind it."

She narrowed her eyes at me. "You're a knight, you know it's wrong! You know you're not supposed to kill!" Then she blinked, my words fully sinking in. "And knights don't get hired..."

I laughed. "Looks like you caught me red handed there sweetheart. The name's Vincent, Vinny for my friends and lovers. Merc, murderer, thief, con man, and escape artist extraordinaire, at your service," I said, giving a bow.

Viking finally pushed himself up, kicking at one of the guards. "I'm Archie," Viking said. "I'm just here 'cause I can be."

The sergeant gave us dirty looks. "Mercenaries, the scum of the planet," she spat out. "I should just throw you both in a cell right now."

I waggled my finger at her. "But you can't do that, can you sweetheart? Nah, you ain't the boss 'round here. You ain't even local. But that begs the question, though. Who is?" I asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Tha' would be me," said a voice from our side.

Viking and I, along with the sergeant all looked at the new voice. An aged grey earth pony stallion stood there. He had a thinning white mane and tail, light brown eyes, and a gavel for a mark. All-in-all, he was completely ordinary as far as ponies go.

He stepped closer to us, eyeballing me and Viking. "You two saved this ci'y nearly single-'oofedly. Even though yer methods were wrong, you were tryin' to do th' right thing. Fer tha', I thank ya both."

I nodded. "You're welcome, Mr. Mayor. But maybe you should tell that to little miss bitch over here."

She glared at me coldly. "What did you just call me?" she growled out.

I snickered. "Ooohh, touchy!" I sang. "Is calling you a bitch not a good thing? Should I stop calling you a bitch, sergeant? Should I not call you sergeant bitch? Huh? Would that be wrong, sergeant bitch?"

She let out a scream of rage as she charged at me.

I stood there and let her collide with me. Thanks to my heavy armor, she did more damage to herself than me. "Is that all you got, bitch?"

"Enough!" yelled the mayor. "Sergeant Light 'Oof, you will stand down if'n ya wish for you and your platoon to stay within me ci'y!"

She pinned her ears back and took on a look of embarrassment. "Yes, sir," she muttered.

"An' as fer you!" he yelled, pointing at me with a hoof. "Your 'arassment of th' sergeant will stop immediately! D'ya understand me?"

I blinked. "Oh sorry, did you say something? I can't tell over this stupid fucking noise I keep hearing whenever you open your mouth."

He glared at me.

I sneered at him.

Viking laughed.

The sergeant growled.

"I think it would be best if'n ya left, young stall-yon," the mayor said, clearly containing a lot of anger.

"Nah, I don't think so. You see, after we single-handedly saved your city and everybody here, we feel kinda hungry and thirsty. Tired too. Y'know, from doing what an entire platoon of guards couldn't?" I asked sarcastically. "So I think we may need to stay for a few hours to rest. Maybe even a night, 'cause my back is pretty sore from saving everybody, y'know, single-handedly."

The mayor glared at me. "I'll grant ya one night at th' pub, but after tha', you're gone. D'ya understand tha' well enough?"

"Clear as mud," I said happily.

With one last glare he turned and left us, going back to whatever place he came from. I assumed it was somewhere that smelled like baby powder and milk.

I looked at the sergeant. "And then there were three..."

"I don't know who or what you are, but if you try anything funny, you'll be looking at this city from the inside of a cell. You got that?" she said, warning me unnecessarily.

I raised my eyebrow. "We have a common enemy, y'know. You should really be more friendly towards me." I lifted up my visor, showing my face that was still stained with blood and grime. "I'm Vincent, the pleasure's mine," I told her as I stuck out my hand.

For a while she just stared at it dumbly, but given a few seconds of thought she seemed to understand what I was doing. She took off her helmet, revealing a glossy black mane that hung down low. For the first time I could really make out her features now that the helmet was gone. Glossy black mane, of course, dark red coat, and sandy tan eyes. She was really quite pretty, by pony standards. "My name is Light Hoof, Staff Sergeant and ranking officer of platoon forty-three, Foaltrot Company," she said, extending a hoof towards me.

I gripped her hoof and shook it. "Y'know, you're kinda cute when you lose the rough exterior," I said. "That mane really compliments your eyes."

Her face turned a different shade of red and she pulled her hoof away. "T- that's enough, mercenary!"

I laughed and decided it was best to change the subject. "So anyways, back to our common enemy."

She cleared her throat and nodded. "Yes, the Changelings."

"What are you going to do with 'em?" I asked.

She raised a brow at this.

"Well, you can't very well keep 'em here. They'd eat up the city's resources faster than the people would. Plus with seventy abouts Changelings all in one prison, a breakout attempt will undoubtedly happen, and quick too..." I hummed in thought. "I suppose we could put 'em to work. Maybe have 'em working the mills or mines, if the city has 'em, of course. But the easiest solution is again, to just kill 'em all."

"There will be no more killing," she warned.

"Why not?" Viking/Archie complained. "Killing is fun."

We both turned to him. "Go away!" we both yelled at the same time.

He shrugged and left, going somewhere to do something.

I looked back to the sergeant. "So, what would you do with 'em?"

"We would question them and imprison them, normally. But since they're Changelings we can't do that because it's too dangerous to hold them without the proper equipment. So, we would release them when we're done getting information." She seemed to think this was a good idea.

I looked at the Changelings and saw them smirking back at me. I looked at the sergeant and saw her looking very serious. I looked back at the Changelings. I looked back at the sergeant. "Are you fucking retarded?"

"No, I'm not," she said angrily. "It's just our policy."

I sighed. "Your funeral. But I still think you should kill 'em all after questioning them."

She groaned and facehoofed. "Fine, I understand what you think. But we're not doing it."

"Celestia hired me to keep this country safe, and that's what I'm gonna to do. So if I can't kill 'em, at least let me shake 'em up a bit to scare 'em off for good."

She glared at me. "Will it shut you up?" she asked.

I nodded. "Indubitably, undoubtedly, and uncomprehendingly."

She waved her hoof at me, walking away. "Knock yourself out then," she said tiredly.

I pulled my visor down and turned to look at the now non-smirking Changelings. "So, who's first?"

***

"Let me ask you a question, friend," I said as I paced around the Changeling sitting at the small wooden table. "What does Marsellus Wallace look like?"

The Changeling looked at me oddly. "What?"

I threw the table out of the way, scattering the contents of its top all over the room. I stared at the Changeling in anger. "What country you from?!"

Its eyes shifted around nervously. "W- what?"

" 'What' ain't no country I ever hear of! They speak Equine in What?!" I yelled in its face.

"What?" it gasped, shrinking away from me.

"Equine muthafuckah! Do you speak it?!" I screamed loudly.

"Yes!" it yelled back.

"Then you know what I'm sayin'?!" I asked.

It nodded quickly. "Yes!"

"Then describe what Marsellus Wallace looks like!" I shouted, getting right in its face.

It shook its head in confusion. "W- w- what? I-"

I pulled my cleaver from its sheath and raised it to the Changeling's throat. "Say what again! Say! What! Again! I dare ya! I double dare ya muthafuckah! Say what one more God damn time!"

It raised its hooves defensively. "H- h- he's got a black coat!"

"Go on!" I shouted, pushing the cleaver closer.

"H- he's got no mane!"

"Does he look like a bitch?!" I demanded.

"What?" the thing asked.

I swung my cleaver and made a large slice on its torso, getting a loud shriek of pain from it. "Does! He! Look! Like! A bitch?!" I screamed in its face, spraying it with spit.

"No!" it screamed pitifully, shaking its head.

I gave it a look of exasperation. "Then why you try to fuck him like a bitch?" I asked tiredly.

"I didn't!" it retorted with a shake of its head.

"Yes you did!" I shouted. "Yes! You! Did! You tried to fuck him."

It shook its head at me. "N- no. No-"

"Well Marsellus Wallace don't liked to be fucked by anybody except Mrs. Wallace," I told it.

We looked at each other for a few seconds.

"Do you read the bible?" I asked.

It nodded, though I'm pretty sure it just wanted to be spared more pain. "Y- yes!"

I nodded. "Well, there's this passage I got memorized, sort of fits this occasion," I told it. "Ezekiel 25:17?"

It looked at me uncomprehendingly.

I shook my head. "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the selfishness and the tyranny, of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper, and the finder of lost children," I started, angling the blade upwards into the Changelings throat and drawing the green blood. "And I will strike down upon with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers! And you will know my name is The Lord, when I lay My vengeance upon thee!" With that I brought my cleaver down, over and over again chopping into the head and body of the Changeling. It screamed at first, but soon after the body went limp and the screams stopped.

I wiped my blade of on the corpse and kicked the body into a pile of other dead Changelings in the corner.

When I figured out I wasn't being watched, I stopped playing nice. If these stupid ponies didn't know how to defend themselves, I would just have to do it for them.

I walked over to the table and righted it, placing everything back on top again, very neatly. After that, I walked over to the door and opened it. "Next prisoner!" I yelled.

A small Changeling got up from the other room and slowly made its way over to me. As it walked in the room, it cringed away from me.

I smiled evilly. The room wasn't soundproofed. I turned to the Changeling. "Have a seat, young 'Ling," I told it.

It averted its eyes from the pile of corpses in the corner and sat down without question.

I started pacing back and forth in front of it. "Let me ask you a question, friend," I said, pacing in front of the table that it was sitting at. "What does Marsellus Wallace look like?"

***

I yawned, rubbing my eyes tiredly. "So," I said, pulling my visor back down, "how many of you are left out there?" I asked the Changeling in front of me.

It fiddled with its buggy hooves before answering. "Maybe, ten?" it said quietly.

I nodded, yawning again. "I'm tired as fuck, you know that right?" I asked.

It nodded.

"And you know that I was just torturing you all to death, right?" I asked.

It looked sadly at the pile of bodies, now numbering sixty-two. "We kinda guessed that a while ago..."

I nodded slowly. "So, even though you knew that, you kept coming in the room with me. Why?"

"Well..." it said.

I rolled my hand. "Yes?"

"Well, we were hoping that you would get bored or tired before now, actually. So, we kinda wanted to wait until then and attack you when you were off guard," it told me.

I nodded. "But you do realize, even off guard you couldn't actually beat me?" I said, more of a statement than a question.

It bit its lip and nodded sadly.

I looked at it for a while. "Y'know, besides from your leader, I can't tell any of you apart. I can't even tell if you're a female or a male." I leaned back in my chair. "Why is that?"

It looked at me oddly. "Most Changelings don't have a gender. We can all shift into either a male or female of any race, so what we want to be decides what gender we are." It fiddled with its hooves some more. "And since most Changelings aren't too picky about where their meals come from, they're both genders."

I nodded slowly. "I guess that makes sense," I said. "So, what are you then?"

It looked at me oddly. "You honestly can't tell?" it asked

I shook my head. "No, all Changelings look and sound pretty much the same to me. Is that, like, racist or something?"

"No, it's not," it said sadly. "There are very few that can guess correctly on a Changeling's gender and preference without being a Changeling themselves. It's just natural, I guess."

I scowled. "That sounds pretty fucking racist to me," I said, irritated.

It shrugged. "There's nothing we can do."

I worked my jaw side-to-side for a few seconds. "I'm going to tell you a story. About my ancestors."

It looked at me, not sure what to think if I guessed right. But, Changelings...

"Hundreds of years ago, the people of Europe, the continent to our East, decided to explore the world. They had trade partners in India, to the East. They traded spices, silks, powders, animals, weapons, books, and everything else you can think of. All you had to do, was go... East.

"But one day, a young man by the name of Christopher Columbus wanted to go West. He wanted to know what was on the other side of the world.

"Now, most people back then thought the world was flat, so they said he would just fall of the edge off the Earth- our planet- and die in the abyss. They thought that going West was a fool's errand.

"But not the queen. Queen... Victoria? I'm not sure, but the queen thought the idea was interesting and decided to give him what he needed to sail across the great ocean. The country's best ship, crew, and equipment, all for him. All for this young trader that wanted to explore the world with no guarantee of finding anything, or even surviving.

"So, they set out one day and sailed into the great unknown. At first the trip was fine and dandy. But soon, storms came up. Storms that washed crewmen overboard and ruined their supplies with salt water. After that, blazing hot days that would scorch their skin and blister the hands and feet. But when the Sun went down, they slept through freezing nights that would chill you down to your bones.

"They went on like this for a long, long time. And eventually, they saw land. Now, because they thought they were going to India, they were happy just to be someplace friendly. But what they didn't know, was that they had just discover what would soon become America, or, 'The New World' as some called it. So it only made sense to them to call the native people there Indians at the time.

"Now, the Indians were a peaceful people, ready to help the new folks in any way they could. But the Europeans thought that because they didn't speak the language and didn't use metal weapons or tools, that they were little more than savages.

"So, convinced that the 'New World' was populated only by a savage people, little more than animals, they sent word back to their homeland telling of all the riches and opportunities to be had there. Stories of gold and precious gems tempted many foul people who wanted the riches, but cared nothing for the peoples.

"So, years later, more and more foreigners came to the New World. And as more men came, more weapons and ilk came too. And soon, Jamestown was settled, the... second? Yeah, second city ever built in what we now call America. They leveled entire forests to make this town, though, and the native people weren't happy about that.

"So a few years after that, the new people decided that they didn't just want the gold, they wanted the animals. Then they wanted the land. Then they wanted everything else.

"Now, the natives were still a peaceful people, and just wanted to appease the strange pale men to keep them from doing anything rash. They would give them land, they would give them livestock, they would give them their priceless turquoise jewelry. All to make the white men happy.

"But for them, it wasn't enough. They came to the villages and demanded more, but when they were told there was no more, they got angry. They killed the natives, slaughtering them like animals because they were greedy.

"This went on for a long, long, long time. For hundreds of years, my people were hunted and killed like game. They were treated like animals. They were forced from their homes and driven to reservations by the white men. And this created the Trail of Tears, where countless died. Weak, elderly, sick, children, newborns, all of them died because they were forced to walk hundreds of miles through burning Sun and freezing nights. And when they finally got to the reservations, they realized that they were now prisoners of the white man.

"They were given blankets as gifts by the white man, only to find that there were horrible diseases on them like Smallpox. They were given alcohol as a gift by the white man, but found out it caused them to be dependent on it, and the white man used it as a chain and collar. They were betrayed by the white man time and time again, and still it didn't stop there.

"They took their names from them, giving them white man names. John, James, Carrie, Eliza, Miles, Jessica, names like this. There was no more Sitting Bull, no more Flying Eagle, no more names of honor. No more names of our people, to tell stories about us, and our families and friends. Our names were our past, our history. They took that from us.

"But that wasn't enough for the white man. They took away our language. They forced us to learn their own tongue, and if we were caught speaking ours, we were beaten to the point of unconsciousness. They were trying to beat the savage out of us.

"They forced us to learn their language, their religion, their customs, their everything. All because we decided, in the very beginning, that they were our friends. Now, our people still live on those reservations, still have no rights, are still oppressed.

"We're still called Indians, even though we aren't even from India."

I took a deep breath, clearing my head. "If you let people think that you aren't different from each other, it's like letting them think you're all one big problem. The point of my story is that you can't let people think of you as anything else other than what you are: a person. In your particular case, a Changeling."

The Changeling looked down at its hooves, looking deep in thought. "My name is Mirage, and I'm a girl," she told me.

I smiled to myself. "It's very nice to meet you Mirage. I'm not going to tell you my real name, but my current stage name's Vincent, and I'm a man."

She smiled at me a little shyly. "It's nice to meet you too," she said meekly.

I smiled. "Do you want to know a secret?" I asked.

She grimaced. "Not really."

I leaned in closely. "You're going to hear it anyways," I said, taking in a deep breath. "The secret is... I'm not going to kill you or any other Changelings anymore. In fact, I'm going to help you escape."

Her eyes widened. "Really? You won't kill me?"

I shook my head as I leaned back in my chair. "Nah, but I will ask you for a quick favor."

She looked at me, probably confused. "What?"

I looked around me to make sure nobody was listening before speaking. "That sergeant was pretty cute. Do you think you could turn into her so we could fuck?"

She smirked at me before she flashed in green magic. When the magic had faded away, a smirking Staff Sergeant Light Hoof was sitting across from me. "So, I hear you think I'm cute?" the sergeant teased.

I sneered behind my visor. "Only enough for me to want to make a mess of that perky little ass of yours," I responded.

She stood up, her armor falling off of her. "You think you can take me?" she asked, a challenge in her voice.

I rose from my chair, leaning over the table to get in her face. "I don't think I can. I know I can." Technically, she wasn't a pony, so it wasn't bestiality. But she was a bug, so... I was fucking a bug? That's... a mildly horrifying thought... Eh, oh well. I've had worse.

I Love Rocks...

Author's Note

So, today I think I might have stumbled upon a police sting operation...
I was walking home from classes about two hours early- because fuck the system- and halfway there I saw two construction workers standing around a truck, but no construction in sight. As I walked past them, a guy walked up to me and asked, "Hey man, you got that weed?"
I of course didn't have my weed on m- Uh, I mean... I didn't have any weed on me so I shook my head and kept walking. And as I turned the corner to get past them, I came into contact with a strange, terrifying sight. Four cop cars on both sides of the road, at least five cops with guns, and more of them standing behind the little indents in each store front down half the street.
Now, I may have, kinda-sorta-probably looked like a criminal. I was wearing a black leather jacket, a black T with multiple blood and oil stains on it with my wife beater showing under it, dark green cargos with more oil stains than blood, black leather gloves, a complete black face mask that covered everything but my eyes, a black leather pilot's hat that covered my eyes because it's slightly too big, and my trusty Timberland boots. It also didn't help that I had a backpack big enough to fit a small child in stuffed to the point of bursting from supplies I need for my classes- also with stains on it ranging from blood to oil.
And there's the very slight chance that I smelled like weed because everybody I know smokes it.
So as I walked passed them, I could see all of them turning to watch me. Oh happy days, the joys of forgetting my bus card and having to walk 10+ miles through snow that comes up to my knees to get home. You just gotta love it...
On top of that, a girl tried to hit on during study hall. A girl that was cute... But, meh, I wasn't really interested. I was reading a clopfic and she didn't have the decency to bugger off when I said I was in the middle of some good porn. Anybody that interrupts my porn isn't on my good side.
Today has tired my out. This is my excuse for the short chapter.
Now... back to that clopfic...

I Love Rocks...

"Pass the hind leg?" I said to Viking.

He wiped the grease from his mouth and nodded, tossing me a large chunk of seared meat with a shard of bone sticking from one end and a cracked hoof capping the other.

I nodded and bit into the leg, tearing off what could have easily been a pound of smoky, tender flesh with just a hint of lemon, salt and pepper. I moaned in ecstasy as I swallowed it, barely chewed. "This is fucking good..." I said, my eyes rolling back up into my head.

Viking nodded slowly, chewing on a large slice of chest meat. The grease and juice from the meat dripped from his mouth, landing messily on his shirt and probably instantly staining it. He swallowed the meat and smiled widely at me, bits of cooked flesh and skin stuck between his teeth and hanging from his lip.

I tore off another large chunk for myself, noisily chomping on it while the slimy grease ran down my face and stained my clothes. As I chewed, squelching and smacking noises came from me, Viking as well, but mostly from me. I swallowed it, burping loudly and nearly throwing up as a result. I was quite stuffed by that point.

But, y'know, eating Applejack sorta does that to a guy.

Yeah, I wanted a pony that was strong enough to give me some sport, but couldn't get away. Twilight and Rarity were unicorns, and magic is hax, so no. Fluttershy and Dash aren't on my list of people I hate, so no. Pinkie is annoying, but with how much sugar she eats I would probably get diabetes just from licking her. So that left Applejack as the only possible candidate. After a brief conversation with the good sergeant explaining that it wasn't really a pony, I started hunting.

I took Viking to an open field and spawned her in. At first she was confused, but once I told her she had ten seconds to get a head start, saw our weapons, and heard the malicious smile in my voice, she probably guessed we weren't inviting her for tea. She did good, too. Lasted for nearly a minute before we caught her. Then we dragged her back to where we had a large bonfire already lit, tied her to a pole, and started roasting her alive.

Oh, the screams...

Yeah, I forgot to gag her, and by the time I remembered that I could she was mostly dead. Doesn't really matter though, seeing as how it wasn't really Applejack. But now we were eating her- Viking and I, not my current lover- and she was absolutely delicious. She was tender, but not soft; succulent, but not puffy; juicy, but not drippy; filling, but not fattening. Really, everything I look for in a girl. I vaguely wondered if I should look into whether or not Applejack had any suitors. If not, I would step up without hesitation. Dash and Fluttershy were nice and all, but Shy is too shy, and Dash is too loud. I liked them, but even if they were Human girls I couldn't see myself in a long-term relationship with them.

I licked the now-bare leg bone of any grease I missed when licking it clean the first and second times. It was too damn good to miss. Finishing it, I tossed the bone into the fire and leaned back from my seat on the ground. I patted my slightly bulging belly. "Damn, that was good," I said in awe.

Viking burped loudly, sighing happily afterwards. "Hell yeah man. This shit's great!"

I looked to my right. "You really should have tried some, love," I said to Light Hoof/Mirage. I didn't really love her or anything, it was just easier to call her that. Plus it made her happy, and when she's happy, I get extra-fun sexy time.

Light shook the horrified expression off her face to smile at me. It was forced, I could tell. "N- no thanks, love. I don't eat... meat." She said that last word with a small gag.

I shrugged. "Well, that's too bad I guess. It was really good." I fell on my back lightly, yawning as I stared up into the night sky. It was like nothing I'd seen before. The stars were in the billions, trillions even. I could see planets, nebulae, comets streaking across the vast expanse of space, and in the center of it all, the Moon was bright and full, shining down on everything like a giant nightlight. I always was a night person.

And apparently a blind person, because my sight just went out.

"Guess who?~" a voice sang.

I hummed in thought. "Santa?" I guessed.

"No...~"

"Billy Mays?"

"No...~"

"Jimmy Johnson?"

"No...~"

"Jesus?"

"No...~"

I reached up and grabbed the hooves that were over my eyes, rubbing up and down them slowly. Sensually almost. "Hmm... Soft, silky fur..." I squeezed the legs gently. "Hmm... Tender, supple body..." I put my hands on the hooves themselves, teasing at the soft spot I had recently learned was on them. I heard a small gasp and moan of pleasure. "And such sensitive hooves... I think... that you're... Hmm... Sergeant... Johnson!"

I heard a snicker from Viking.

The hooves left my face, allowing me to see again. They were replaced with an upside-down, half-annoyed half-amused face. Light's face. "Are you really that bad at guessing?" she teased.

I smiled up at her, kissing her Spiderman style. "No, Sergeant Johnson's just a really sexy man," I joked. "He knows what the ladies like."

She kissed me, still upside-down. "Don't you want to give me my dinner?" she asked suggestively, tilting her head cutely.

I smiled dumbly. "Of course, love," I said, kissing her again. "Would you like the appetizer first, or should we just skip to the main course?"

She smiled at me seductively. "I think I'd like the buffet," she said in a quiet voice.

I smiled even wider. "I was hoping you'd pick that one..."

***

I stood at the base of a mountain. The mountain. "Well, we're here. This is it." We were. It was.

Viking stood next to me. "It's... a lot bigger than I thought..." It was.

I nodded. "Yeah, it is. It's pretty fucking huge." It was, it was.

Viking looked it up and down a few times. "So, are we gonna climb it?" We were.

I nodded again. "Yep, we are." We were. We did. It sucked. Hard.

***

I flopped onto the final ledge before the top of the mountain and the cave. It had literally taken all day to climb up the mountain, and that was with the help of our increased athleticism from being essentially immortal and invulnerable.

Viking rolled onto the ledge next to me, our armor clanking together loudly. "That... fuckin'... sucked... balls..." he said to me through rattling gasps for air.

Next to me on my other side Mirage landed in her Changeling form. She decided that climbing was too tiring and dropped her disguise to use her wings. With those, she followed us up the mountain from the air. She went back to her sergeant form, smiling at us both. "You two sure do go through a lot just to get somewhere you want to be."

I was too tired to reply, so I just flopped my arm at her.

She smiled as she slowly trotted towards us. "You got room for one more on that piece of rock?" she asked sarcastically.

Viking made a sound similar to a dying dog and I just continued to gasp for breath.

She took that as a yes and lifted herself over me to get between Viking and I. Once she circled the spot once she lowered herself down and sighed happily. "I think I could get used to this," she said quietly, closing her eyes.

Viking and I looked at each other. Then we looked to the small mare sandwiched between us. Then we both made noises similar to a dying dog and passed out from exhaustion. But it wasn't a bad thing, we needed the sleep. When we woke up we had to kill a dragon.