Life's a Joke, Here Comes The Punchline

by Signas

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Comedy, Slice of Life
Length: 2156

The first day of fashion modeling can be a real punch to the gut.

Limelight, a new model in Manehattan's coveted runway, gets ready for her big debut. With the help of a fellow model and new friend, the timid mare tries to build up the nerve to make her mark on Manehattan's fashion scene.

Then she gets punched.

(Submission for Equestria Daily's "Rarity Takes Manehattan" Writing Prompt)

Published 2014-01-08 02:40:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-08 02:40:03 UTC

Right In The Kisser

"Come on, Limelight, breath!"

"I... I can't..." Limelight's chest heaved under the constraint of her dress. "C-Can't go out there... blood pressure... critical mass..." The model's eyes remained fastened on the dark and foreboding curtains in front of her. Backstage offered momentary safety, but she knew what horrors awaited her on the other side. The pair of yellow hooves shaking her violently did little to ease her nerves.

"Look, Lime, I know it can be scary out there. I remember my first time, too." The red-maned mare eased her grip on Limelight's shoulders, offering a sympathetic grin. "The thing ya gotta remember is, this ain't some neck-of-the-woods show. This is the frickin' big time, baby!"

"I-I know that, Stiletto!" Limelight could feel her heart rate rising. "That's why I'm so nervous! What if I screw up? Oh my goodness... I-I think I forgot to use product this morning!" The frantic mare assaulted her sky-blue mane in a panicked frenzy. "D-Does my mane look 'productified'? How about my mascara? Too much volume?"

Stilleto sighed and pulled her co-model's foreleg away from her poor mane. "Your hair and makeup are fine. Look... the point I was gettin' at is that a pony can only make it this far by bein' the best of the best. Somepony thought you had the stuff, so here ya are!"

"But what if it was a fluke? I mean, Prim has never actually seen my modeling skills since I transferred, and Manehattan standards are just so different from what I'm used to! I-I'm nothing compared to you and Firefly and-"

"Kibosh the attitude, Lime." Stilleto poked Limelight's chest with a pointed hoof. "Nothing compared to me and Fly? Come on, now, let's be serious for a second. Who was it that got her sexy flank posted on the cover of the February issue of Cosmare, again?"

"Well... me, I guess." For a moment, Limelight could feel her nerves easing ever so slightly. She smiled meekly, but with a hint of pride. "I-It was what got Prim interested in me in the first place. At least, that's what her agents told me."

"See? You earned your spot on this runway," Stiletto said, throwing a foreleg around Limelight's tense shoulders. "All you gotta do is walk around a little bit and they'll all be droolin' over ya in no time! Yep, you're gonna be the creepy fantasy of lonely stallions all over Manehattan tonight, just like with that magazine!"

Limelight chewed her lip, feeling her muscles freeze up again. "That doesn't really make me feel better."

"Sorry, just tryin' to lighten the mood. Trust me, once you're actually out there, it'll be fine. Heck, I think your'e gonna love it!" Cheers and camera snaps roared from beyond the curtains, drawing the attention of the eagerly awaiting mares. "Sounds like Polomare's time in the sun is about to end. You know what that means."

"It means..." Limelight gulped nervously, her stomach churning painfully. "It means we're next, right?"

"You betcha! Just remember, you've got us to look out for ya, too! Me and Runny over there are feelin' just fine," Stiletto said, gesturing towards a blue pony preparing for the show, "and once Firefly gets back, I'm sure she'll be doin' pretty swe-"

"Oh cripes, oh cripes! Where's my dress?! Stiletto, where's my dress?!"

Limelight nearly tripped over herself as a pink mare in a gorgeous purple ensemble burst through the curtains, practically tearing the clothes off of her body. Her three companions watched anxiously as she scrambled around and inspected every skirt and frill within reach. Stiletto slapped her forhead and assisted her friend in changing outfits. "What the heck were they thinkin', settin' you up for two runs in a row?"

"They must be absolutely out of touch with what we are capable of. Expecting me to change dresses on the fly like... wait, are those keys?"

"It's a pretty unique line. Probably better not to ask questions." Once the finishing touches were made to Firefly's outfit, Stiletto turned her attention back to Limelight. "Come on, let's get in position. Stand over there, next to me."

Limelight forced herself to stand closer to the curtains, replacing one of the previous models. The crowd seemed to have died down, and only the elegant voice of Prim Hemline could be heard.

"She's introducin' our line. Look alive," Stiletto whispered, adjusting her long bangs. "And remember, just have fun with it. You're a hot, sexy mare, and once you get on that runway, you'll feel like a god."

Limelight assumed the most regal pose she could muster. "Are you sure? I got a fortune cookie earlier that said I should listen to my gut instinct, which is telling me I should be in the little fillies' room right now..."

"Tell your cookie to shove it. Nothin' can hurt you out there, I promise. And hey, at least ya aren't the one wearin' a frickin' lampshade. Am I right, Firefly?"

"Up yours, chump."

"Hey! Hey Firefly!" Stiletto fake-yelled to her less-than-amused associate. "Hey, don't drop the soap out there, ya wouldn't wanna slip!"

Firefly opened her mouth, no doubt with the intention to make a tasteless retort; however, she snapped back into position immediately as the curtains began to shift. Limelight, stifling a nervous giggle at the two mares' bickering, found herself left in awe as the blinding lights of the stage flooded her vision. Camera flashes assaulted her from all sides, and wild cheers drowned out even her own thoughts. Not that her thoughts were focused anywhere other than the nerve-crushing situation she found herself in.

She held her pose, willing her body to cease it's quivering. Her lips were curled into what looked like a coy smile, but felt like an agonizing contortion of her face muscles. Time remained at a standstill, or so she thought; after what felt like an eternity, Limelight spotted movement from her peripheral vision. That must be Stiletto, which means I'm next...

Lifting one foreleg tenderly, Limelight attempted to take her first step into stardom; it nearly became a stumble once the model realized she hadn't be breathing since the curtains lifted. Get it together, Lime, you can do this, she thought, exerting all of her willpower into moving forward and maintaining her smile. Remember the therapy sessions. Nopony is judging me... imagine that they're all naked... Limelight quickly scanned the cheering masses. Oh goodness, only about half of them are naked...

Alright... alright, I've got the steps down. Limelight soon found herself making a slow but flowing stride across the runway. To her surprise, she didn't feel her nerves wearing down her confidence; on the contrary, her muscles relaxed a bit more, making her motions feel less forced. Just ahead of her, Stiletto was finishing a pose at the end of the runway, bathing in the accolades of the crowd. Stiletto's turning around, so now... Catching a brief wink from her compatriot, Limelight braced for impact. Now it's my turn. Let's do this.

Turning so that the crowd could see all of her ensemble, Limelight struck the most elegant pose her mind could conjure. She prepared herself for the worst, but it wasn't long before a calamitous roar nearly swept her off her hooves. Her eyes filled with hope as the audience cheered and snapped photos. They... they love me. They actually love me! Doing her best not to break out in a giggling fit, Limelight sauntered back towards the stage, filled with a renewed pride.

Wow, Miss Hemline looks so happy! Limelight could barely contain her excitement as she noted her new manager's enthusiasm towards the performance. She reached the curtains yet again, and prepared to make the rounds once more. Thought you could bring me down, didn't you, curtain?

Once again, the end of the runway was mere steps away. This is incredible, I've never felt so alive before! Adrenaline rushed through her body as she stopped in front of the adoring crowd. Stiletto was right. I am beautiful! I am invincible! Limelight flaunted herself once more, oblivious to the rapid hoofsteps behind her. I can't believe I was ever afraid of moving to Manehattan! I love this job! I love this city!

This... this is the greatest day of my entire-

The impact came so suddenly, so unexpectedly, that it took a moment for Limelight to realize what had happened. A sharp, agonizing pain shot through her stomach which caused her to cry out; unfortunately, a pathetic squeal was all she could muster. She actually felt the wind being ripped out of her lungs as she gasped for air.

The world was spinning. World's aren't supposed to spin, or at least, not so quickly. So disorienting was the blurred mess of colors and lights that Limelight hadn't noticed that she was no longer on the ground. The world, in fact, was not spinning; she was. It wasn't long before another spontaneous blow reared it's ugly head, this time on the hapless model's back. Her vision slowly started to return to some semblance of normalcy as she slid along the well-polished floor.

Silence hung in the air, save for gasps of surprise and, in Limelight's case, agony. She lay prone, feeling the pain from both her stomach and spine spread throughout the rest of her body. Just as when the show had started, all motion ceased to be.

At least, until a hoof stomped mere inches from her head.

Suddenly, dozens of ponies with cameras chased after whatever had caused the debacle, snapping photos at nothing in particular. The audience that remained was divided amongst fainting, mumbling, and cheering for senseless violence. Limelight, still attempting to fill her lungs with oxygen, reached a weary hoof in the air. "S-Somepony... anypony... help me up, please?"

Sensing that the show was over, the crowd began filing out, taking care to step over the injured model. Limelight tried flipping herself over, but the restrictive dress combined with the pain made this a trying task. "Could... could somepony... help please..." She lifted her head to find anypony willing to assist her, but the theater was already empty. "Oh, my stomach... so much pain..."

Eventually, she heard hoofsteps approaching, followed by an extended yellow foreleg. "Need a lift?"

Limelight grasped the leg and pulled herself to her hooves. Stiletto tried to dust her off, wincing at the various tears in her dress. "Sheesh... there's takin' a dive, and then there's takin' a dive. You okay?"

"I... I think a train drove into my solar plexus."

"Oh, that was no train, Lime." Limelight looked up to see Firefly leaning over the runway's edge. "You just got punched."

"...Punched?" Limelight coughed a few times, ignoring the trickle of blood running down her lip. "I was punched? Like, with a hoof?"

"Yep." Stiletto hoisted the injured mare's leg over her shoulder and helped walk her towards the theater's exit. "Color me impressed, most models are on the job for years before they get punched."

"Okay, but... why?"

Firefly cocked an eyebrow. "Why what?"

"Why did I get punched?"

"No idea." The three mare's stepped into Manehattan's busy street. "The chick who designed our dresses just went ape out of nowhere and slugged you."

"Hold it," Limelight stated flatly, lightly pushing Stiletto away from her. "I was punched by the pony who I was modeling for?"

"That's right." Firefly sighed. "I honestly don't see how this is so confusing to you. Getting punched off stage is just another of life's many facets."

"I'm just trying to wrap my mind around the fact that I was apparently assaulted onstage on my first day modeling in Manehattan, in front of some of the biggest names in fashion, allegedly by the pony who I was modeling for, and that this is apparently not something I should be confused about."

Stiletto and Firefly exchanged glances, but didn't respond.

"Is that..." Limelight lowered her voice to a nervous whisper. "...is that normal?"

"Well, yeah." Stilleto shrugged. "Pretty much.

"Getting punched in the gut is normal, is what you're telling me."

"Why do ya think ya had to sign that waiver?"

"I don't know, I thought it was for if I tripped or something." The three mare's sat down at a cafe table alongside the road. "You told me I wasn't going to get hurt."

"Yeah, and I meant it. Nothin' can hurt you out there." Stiletto turned her attention to the cafe menu in front of her. "Ya know, except gettin' punched. Did I leave that part out?"

Limelight sighed, contemplating what flavor of low quality coffee she was in the mood for. "Do I at least get compensation, or an apology, or anything?"

"Nope."

The three models relaxed in their chairs, basking in the warm sunlight and ambiance of Manehattan's traffic.

"So what you're saying is that modeling in Manehattan is just kind of awful."

"Yep."