My Failed Attempt at a Self Insert Fanfic
A Simple Walk into Equestria
The computer screens glow reflected off my glasses and silence filled the air. For hours, this scene didn’t change. From one chapter to thirty chapters, from one lengthy fanfic to three, my hunger for more My Little Pony stories would only be halted by physical exhaustion. My head slowly lowered, signaling another break in the cycle, so it may resume in eight hours. My head descended face first towards the desk at slow rate, which has happened many times recently, but this time, as my eyes grew too heavy to support, my skin radiated a faint purple glow. A few hours ago, I could have realized this, but as I slipped into the land of dreams and nightmares, I could only give it a seconds notice before my mind shut out all thought. The glow grew stronger, as my head fell closer to the desk and just before my chin could hit the wooden surface… I vanished from my room.
I woke up with burning sensation all over my body. My blood felt like it was replaced with lava. Every nerve in my body screamed in agony. I was blinded from seeing any sight, my ears could only hear the sound of my own screaming, and I could taste the distinct flavor of vinegar for some reason. My torment lasted for mere moments before I passed out.
After that terrible experience, I awoke to a less piercing pain and into a world of aching muscles. I moaned lowly, from an intense headache, before opening my eyes to the new world around me. Unlike every other time I passed out in front of my computer, I woke up to see a wooden ceiling and in the corner of my view were the tops of book shelves.
“What is that thing?” sounded a far off voice in the distance. My ears were ringing with a high pitch sound.
“Do you think it’s dangerous?” another person said much closer.
“Uh, Twi, was this supposed to happen?” Wait, I didn’t hear footsteps, but they keep sounding much closer. W-were the voices getting closer or was it just me?
“Why is it wearing a shirt with Derpy on it?”
As more and more questions were being thrown around the room, the ringing in my ears started to subside, but the headache I had only grew, as did the amount of questions circulating my head. The soreness I felt in my neck decreased enough to the point where I could end my staring contest with the ceiling and raise my head to look around. A mistake I came to regret.
I yelled, not screamed (because screaming is for bitches), in pain and the back of my head was reunited with the floor. The questions that were previously being thrown around the room ceased and new high pitched shrieks replaced it. Before I could blink, a cyan hoof connected with my face at an undesirable speed. Another yell, again not a scream, was elicited from my throat.
My mind sobered by the pain, and my aching dulled by the adrenaline pulsing through me, I quickly rose from my collapsed state onto my feet in a hustle, which prompted more screams from the… from the… horses?
I looked around quick for what attacked me in my weakened state and found five quivering multicolored ponies, and a dragon, huddled at the far end of the room I was in, however a pink one was much closer, unfazed, and stared deep into me with a furrowed brow and narrowed eyes.
I frantically looked around the room, and much to my surprise, I found a lot of familiarity from a location I’ve never set foot in. It was unlike any deja vu. My mind was racing with each observation. The wooden shelves, the countless books, the smooth, rounded also wooden walls. The candy colored ponies. I couldn’t believe what I was recognizing. This was in the library, THEE library. The center of my obsession’s world. This was the start to my journey. This was-
“Stop right there Mister Samurai. You are going to stop the story and leave,” said a certain pink pony. “Oh, and you don’t have to wait for an introduction anymore. We all know each other here” She scowled at me, and… and… she’s scowling at me?
“That’s right bub, I’ve helped almost every author do their obligatory 4th wall jokes, but this time, I’m doing the readers a real favor and stopping this story here!”
Pinkie, what the actual fuck? This is my first story and-
“You’re going to stop it now” demanded the psycho mare. Her eyes were pinned on me. Her mane was still the bubblegum pink and poofy mane as it should be. Her fur was still a bright pink… Wait. Everything looks normal, so why is she acting so OOC!?
“I’m not letting you make a self-insert fanfic, Samurai. For everyone’s sake, I’m stopping this now!”
Are you kidding me? So far, this story has been nothing but beautiful until you interrupted me, you pink pest.
“I won’t let you become a failure AND a hypocrite.So far, you’ve only avoided a few types of fics, mostly anything anthro, and bronies in Equestria. I’m not going to let you to indulge your wish fulfillment fantasies and force it on others.”
Wow Pinkie. One, that was little harsh, and two, a couple of those words are way out of your league to be spoken from you. But anyways, I’m not going to let you get in my way!
The library erupted into an inferno of fire. The five ponies on the other side of the room ran out the building with Spike. All except Twilight, who stood before the door to get another glimpse at the standoff currently taking place between the crazy, pink mare she always loved (as a friend), and the giant angry bipedal demon she had just summoned this morning on accident. She didn’t understand what madness these two beings spoke of, but she knew that Pinkie has always been a good friend and always means well. She would ask questions later, but for now, she ran out the front door as wooden beam fell behind her.
“The library doesn’t even have wooden support beams”
SHUT UP! I just scared off the coolest cast of characters and it’s all your fault!
“I’m not going to let you upload a boring story about my friends dating your Mary Sue OC”
I wasn’t… I… ERRR! Pinkie Pie, I will destroy you!! YOU and this entire story’s universe and then I'll recreate another MLP universe to put myself into!!! One without a Stupid! Obnoxious! Pink mare to stop me!!!
“Oh, I’m sorry. Were you roaring or whispering that last line?” she said with a smug grin.
RAAAAAAWWWWR!!!!
The avatar of the author (that’s me. Ummm… hi? Okay, back to the action) levitated off the ground, his eyes glowed a red that was darker then fire that were consuming the entire librar- Fuck that, THE WORLD!- all of Equestria. Panic took hold of every Equestrian as they ran or flew in every which way only to be cut off by more walls of fire emerging from nowhere. Brimstone fell from the heavens, destroying houses of both wood and stone. I laughed a deep, evil laugh as I relished in the chaos around me. My happy mood however was cut short however, when confetti and party favors slammed into my face at over 100 mile per hour, Which FUCKING HURTS! I directed my attention downwards to see our stubborn antagonist wielding her party cannon.
“Hey, you can’t make me the villain when you’re burning down all of Equestrian, you meanie pants!”
WHY DON’T YOU DIE!?!
The avatar shot out from his hands towards Pinkie Pie, a huge fireball, but instead of exploding and tearing her to pieces, it dissolve mere inches in front of her face. She giggled and said, “You have no power here. Try as you might, but there isn’t a dark tag on this story. Or sad, or tragedy. That means the good guys win. And if you look around, you might notice that you’re the bad guy, and if you skip the next paragraph you’ll see my friends and I are going to stop you.”
I looked around through my OC’s eyes and saw the destruction and carnage all around me. Well, not carnage, because so far nopony suffered anything other than a slight burn, but they were all still scared. Background ponies I could recognize were scattering around or cowering in fear of my presence, using their hooves to cover their tear soaked faces. Unrecognizable background fillers were doing the same. And they were all scared… of me. Wow, you would not believe the guilt and sadness going on in my heart right now (or then, I can’t really figure out what tenses I’m using now). I descended a few feet above the floor before I was dropped to my knees and stared at the ground, my eyes oozed liquid sorrow.
I didn’t want any of this. A slight glow was appearing above my eyes. I just wanted to go on an adventure . The glow became brighter. I just wanted to have fun. The light was starting to be blinding. So hit me with the Elements of Harmony and send me back if you must. Bright rainbows circled around me. But before I go, I’m-
And then everything went black.
I woke up, floating in a dimension of nothingness, painted black in every direction. I felt a cool breeze course through my hair and on my face. Although I usually love the feeling of the wind, this time, it didn’t improve my depressed state, a terrible mix of sorrow and regret. I was going to spend, what I thought was going to be, eternity going over what I did wrong in my head, but before my thoughts could be gathered, they were scattered by a pink mare that poofed into existence right next to me.
*POOF*
Hi Pinkie Pie.
“hmmm, I don’t know how you sound, but I’ll take it that you meant to put, ‘I lowered my pouty face and sighed before greeting in a gloomy tone, ‘Hi Pinkie.’’”
Yeah, let’s go with that. Am I dead?
The Pink earth pony giggled, “No silly, you're still writing this story aren’t you?”
I facepalmed. God I’m Stupid. A bench materialized from underneath us and we sat together. I was sitting with my arms crossed and elbows on my knees, while Pinkie was sitting up, much like how Lyra does.
*Sigh* I’m sorry Pinkie. I just wanted to immerse myself into this fantasy so badly. I wanted to make a story where I could truly be happy, and all that happened was that I probably confuse the reader and made a fool out of myself.
“A fool or a foal” she giggled.
For as bad as that… joke… or whatever that was, was I couldn’t help but grin. Why couldn’t you be this upbeat when I came to Equestria?
“Because that fic wasn’t going to satisfy you Cyby-Wiby. You wouldn’t be proud after you wrote this, and no one really cares about you cumming inside of Rainbow Dash.”
*Sigh* You’re right. I guess I’m just going to just move on to other fanfic’s I’ve put off for way too long.
She smiled, “That’s more like it. Now if you wouldn’t mind Cyby-Wiby, but I think it’s time for the readers to know what you look like. You forgot to give a description and it’s probably making them all cranky. Like this one time when-“
Look, I appreciate you finally getting into character Pinkie, but I’m too tired for your kookiness. I think it’s too late for a description of me. They probably forgot that I wore glasses, and this fic is about over.
“But there is still so much you have to fix, and you have to write description about the trees being unburned and the houses being rebuilt and-“
Pinkie, through my author powers, I declare the Equestria I wrecked, fixed. All the damage is gone. Now, I’m gotta go to take a nap. I’m going to save and edit this story. Write a descript-
“Woah there, lower the meta just a smidge there”
Okay, well, I’m going to go Pinkie, but I have two questions I have to ask you.
With her high enthusiasm, she said, “Fire away”
Okay, first can you ever forgive me? And two, can I ever come back?
“Well, since you fixed everything and said you were sorry for being a big meanie, of course I can. I always want to be everybody’s.” She said. Then giggled, “And you can’t come back when you've never been here to begin with.”
I blinked at my monitor.
Ummm, thanks Pinkie. So ummm... now I’m going to save and quit okay? So I guess this is goodbye.
“Okie dokie lokie. Bye Samurai. Hope your readers like this fic”
I cringed “Okay that was a little too forced” I admitted, before muttering, “but I hope so too”
