Cresta’s Quest for a Mate
by Abstract Thought
In a forest far from any pony settlements, yet slightly closer to them than a forest of phoenix settlements, there lived a robin. This robin started off as one of many incidental characters in a past story, but she proved popular enough for people to want more of her, and so her adventures would now get focus.
Her name…was Cresta.
She was a simple red robin with a simple dream: to start a beautiful family with a beautiful husband and make beautiful chicks by having beautiful bird sex with her beautiful bird mate. When she met Byron, she was certain that he would be the one, but sadly, things didn’t turn out quite as she had planned. Byron was certainly a nice guy, but he had one major weakness: he was so uptight! No matter how much she coaxed, seduced, or threatened to withdraw her stress-reducing back rubs, he refused to mate with her because he “didn’t think he was ready to start a family.” What a cad! Seriously, he had to be the only robin in the world with no hormones whatsoever! Cresta had wandered once or twice if she had accidentally taken all of his hormones, considering how often she had mating on the brain.
Well, after over a year of having her lady parts kept frosty, Cresta decided she didn’t have to put up with to put up with having a dead weight boyfriend, and so she started looking for some tail on the side. Thus began her quest for a mate who would be willing to have sex with her and also had a tail. Of course, it couldn’t be that easy. After her latest fruitless encounter with a brain-dead phoenix chick named Peewee, Byron discovered them and pointed out that what she was doing constituted as cheating, which was apparently a bad thing. Pfft, what right does he have getting mad at me for wanting to have sex? It’s all his fault for spurning me for so long! A lady is never to blame! Especially when she’s as sexy as I am!
So now she was all alone again with nobirdy to snuggle with or make eggs with. Of course, she wasn’t worried; she was able to charm her old beau pretty easily, so how hard could it be to find a new mate who would be happy to, well, mate? After all, the universe wouldn’t be so cruel as to deny her that satisfaction for the sake of conflict, right? Of course not! The universe is never mean to beautiful birds! It was a rule, she just knew it!
Cresta flew over to a nearby lake and checked out her reflection. “Mmm, lookin’ good, Cresta!” she said as she posed and used her wings to smooth out any feathers that looked off. “You’re the very image of seduction! Somebirdy is going to be very happy to have you by their side!” Her self-absorbed high was slightly punctured by the realization that this was the lake where she dealt with that dumb Peewee and got outed by her former mate. Screw them! Figuratively, of course, though I really wish it could have been literal. It’s a shame I can’t just start a family with myself. I certainly wouldn’t mistreat myself! Especially not with such a beautiful body…Focus, Cresta! You’ll have plenty of time to admire yourself later!
Once she was nice and clean, she took flight in search of fresh prey, which in this context referred to potential mates, not worms, even if they were delicious. Hmm, let’s see…which of you lucky birdies shall be my mate? She soon drew her gaze to a striking blue jay reclining on a branch. Target acquired!
Cresta flew over to the blue jay and gave an alluring whistle, something that got his attention pretty quickly. “Hello there, handsome!” she said in her signature sweetly flirtatious tone. “I couldn’t help but notice you sitting there all alone, and I thought somebirdy as handsome as you didn’t deserve such a horrible fate!”
“Oh, really?” the blue jay asked slyly, his head perking up in interest. “I’m guessing you’re here to remedy that for me?”
“Well shucks, honey,” she replied with faux bashfulness. “Only if you’d really like me to, of course!” She capped it off with a wink to seal the deal.
“It would be my pleasure, my lady!” the blue jay answered, eager as a meager beaver with a cleaver doing something else that rhymed.
“Okay, sweetie!” Cresta said with a beam. “You just sit tight and I’ll do all the work!” She started sashaying her way over to the excited blue jay before her. “I tell ya, it’s nice to meet a bird who knows a come-on when he sees it.”
“Really? It’s hard to believe somebirdy as lovely as you would have a hard time attracting suitors,” the blue jay responded.
“Well, not normally,” Cresta admitted as she started to line up their cloacae. “It’s just I had to deal with this phoenix chick who wouldn’t know an innuendo if it danced on his crotch with thorns on its feet! Honestly, the things I have to put up with.”
“Wait a minute,” the blue jay said, his excited demeanor grinding to a halt. “You tried to have sex with a kid?”
“Well, what can I say? He was cute!” Cresta defended. “Though maybe it was a good thing my mate interrupted us before we could do anything; I wouldn’t want my kids to not have a good brain to go with their good looks.” She closed her eyes and gave a deep sigh to release any lingering frustrations, and then she was fully in Sweetheart Mode. “But enough about the past! Let’s focus on our future…”
Her voice and sex drive trailed off as she opened her eyes and noticed that the blue jay had somehow flown the coop in the couple of seconds she hadn’t been paying attention. “Wha–what kind of flake just leaves right before a beautiful robin is about to pleasure him?!” she screeched. “I swear, birds these days have no manners!”
The aggravated robin flew off in a huff, planning to soak in the lake to cool off her heated sex drive that was so rudely denied satisfaction. Fortunately, she soon sighted another excellent outlet: a handsome sparrow who had spotted her and decided to make the first move with an alluring whistle of his own. Thank you kindly, forest! “You called?”
“You bet I did!” the sparrow said rather loudly. “I just wanted to let you know that your body was made for springtime loving!”
“Ooh, you’re quite observant, aren’t you?” Cresta replied, perching herself in front of him with a glimmer in her eye that would have blinded them both if it were any brighter. “How about we put it to good use?”
“Yes ma’am!” the sparrow shouted with enough force to cause Cresta to wince and her earholes to ring like wind chimes. I’ll be sure to straighten out that volume control problem once we’ve become intimate.
“Well then, let’s not waste any more time!” With that, the two assumed the position and made sweet, feathery love. Of course, as per the nature of bird sex, it only took a few seconds of contact between their cloacae for their intercourse to conclude, but they certainly made the most of it. Cresta could feel her stress melt away as their bodies connected. Ooh, yes! I can feel the universe groping my egg maker! My eggs shall be infused with the very essence of its ancient magic! …Wow, my brain really gets scrambled during sex, doesn’t it? Whatever, at least I finally got some!
“Whew!” Cresta cried out as she disconnected and reclined on the branch, basking in the sunlight and hormonal aftermath. “It’s been too long since I’ve have a good romp like that!”
“Yeah, and you certainly know how to romp it good, chickadee!” the sparrow screeched.
“Well, technically, I’m a robin, and my name’s Cresta,” she corrected with a shake of the head in an attempt to deal with its ringing. “Oh, I do apologize for my lack of manners! What’s your name?”
“Damon, baby!” the sparrow answered, his volume as unstoppable as his mating. “Welp, see ya!”
“Wait, what?” Cresta gave an incredulous stare. “I thought we were going to stay mates and, you know, have chicks together!”
“Sorry missy, the only chicks I’m gonna have are the ones that come between my legs!” Damon said matter-of-factly while still maintaining his screechy tone. “You were a good one for sure! See ya!” With that, he flew off to continue his never-ending quest to lie with and deafen the entire forest.
Cresta felt a blazing heat rise to her head, which was both less and more pleasant than her lower body like she was used to. “Well, fine!” she squawked, her wings and heart beating furiously. “I wouldn’t want to have your kids anyway! They’d probably be a bunch of sloppy mockingbirds who can only speak in pickup lines!” She sat on the branch and crossed her wings in a huff, not caring how many forest animals were staring at her. For the record, it was nine.
Thank you, forest, she thought sourly. Thank you so cheeping much.
End of Part 1
