Yet Another Hearth’s Warming Carol

by SacredSturgeon

Rating: everyone
Tags: Other, Babs Seed, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 2326

Suri Polomare sees seasonal spectres! Will her wicked ways be washed away?

One nasty miser. Three ghosts. What the Dickens is this? Why, it's a wholly gratuitous Christmas Carol parody, released just in time for Christmas according to the Julian Calendar! Contains footnotes, pointless asides, and a highly disappointing third act!

Published 2014-01-08 07:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-08 07:30:02 UTC

A Manehattan Miracle

Cloudsdale has a wholly deserved reputation as the producer of the finest weather in the world; from summer clouds of unparalleled fluffiness to thunderclouds producing the perfect rumbling sounds and from the thickest, most mysterious mist you could ask for to the best industrial-strength rainbows. It should come as no surprise that nearly every city in Equestria (and more than a few from beyond Equestria’s borders) ordered weather from Cloudsdale.

Manehattan was one of the few cities that did not order its weather from Cloudsdale. Officially, this was due to budget reasons, but a bitter rivalry between the two cities (culminating in certain remarks by Manehattan mayor Rudy Giulianeigh about the culture and heritage of the pegasi[1], which caused a fair bit of controversy[2]) probably contributed to this decision as well. Instead, the city got its weather from its own small weather factory located in the Broncos, which unfortunately lacked the expertise of its Cloudsdale counterpart, leading to the occasional weather malfunction.

Perhaps the most maligned such malfunction involved the snow clouds, which would regularly explode during the winter, resulting in enormous blizzards. It was during one such blizzard, on Hearth’s Warming Eve, that three ghosts of Hearth’s Warming working overtime found themselves in the city.

“I wish we could spend one Hearth’s Warming Eve without dealing with all these misers. I’d much rather be at home right now,” said a mare the size of a filly, with a coat of dark blue and a mane of snowy white, and a star for a cutie mark. It was the Ghost of Hearth’s Warming Past.

“Look, someone has to do it,” said the Ghost of Hearth’s Warming Present, a dark red mare with a dark green mane and a wrapped gift box cutie mark. “We’re the only Ghosts of Hearth’s Warming around, and Celestia knows the pay is good[3]. Just be glad you didn’t end up with Jolly Old Saint Lick’s job. How he manages to stay so jolly I’ll never understand, though I suspect he’s just showing off.”

As if on cue, a sleigh shot across the sky, carrying Father Hearth’s Warming and his bag of presents, being pulled by his faithful reindeer[4], emanating a faint yet unmistakable jingling sound along with a “Ho ho ho”.

“Bloody show-off, he is,” the Ghost of Hearth’s Warming Present said. “And where does he get all those presents, anyway? Why doesn’t he buy ‘is presents like the rest of us? Have you ever seen ‘im enter a toy shop, Yet?”

The Ghost of Hearth’s Warming Yet To Come, shrouded in a dark grey cloak that obscured its entire body, merely remained silent.

“I know you’re capable of speech, Yet,” Present said.

The Ghost of Hearth’s Warming Yet To Come didn’t respond.

“Ah, bugg’rit,” Present said. “Past, who did we come to Manehattan for?”

“Nine earth ponies, five pegasi, twelve unicorns, a griffon and an eldritch horror sleeping below the sea just south of Stable Island[5],” Past said. “First on the list is an earth pony on 4th Ave.

Present sighed, and began trotting to their destination. “Let’s get this over with,” she said. “And let’s get a bloody drink while we’re at it.”

“She really needs to lay off the booze,” Past said, once Present was out of earshot. Yet merely nodded.

===

The Apple Family was known far and wide for its work ethic. For most Apples, this meant rising before dawn to tend to the apple trees. The relative lack of apple trees in Manehattan meant that Babs Seed had to find other options. Right now, she was sewing clothes together. It hadn’t gotten her her cutie mark yet, and she was beginning to doubt she’d get a sweatshop worker cutie mark. For once, she’d be happy to remain a blank flank for just a little longer.

“C’mon, Suri,” she said. “Can’t I at least get some time off for Hearth’s Warming?”

“That’s Miss Polomare to you,” Suri said. “And no, I want these dresses finished before the new year. Now get back to work.”

“Ain’t there laws against child labour, anyway?” Babs asked. “I could tell a copper, you know.”

“Aren’t there also laws against snitching?” Suri said.[6] “You’re on thin ice, Babs. If you don’t watch yourself, I’ll fire you like I fired Coco[7].”

“Yes, ma’am,” Babs said, and went back to work.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, overseeing you has made me rather tired,” Suri said. “I’ll take a nap. You’d better not slack off while I’m asleep.”

She exited the room, and laid herself down on a comfy sofa in the break room. It didn’t take long for her to drift off to sleep.

===

“You’re Suri Polomare, right?” a voice called across the dreamscape.

“Yes, and you are?”

The Ghost of Hearth’s Warming Past appeared before Suri. “Well, are you familiar with A Hearth’s Warming Carol?” she asked.

“It’s the story of a successful businessmare who gets visited by three ghosts who proceed to nag at her, and in the end the businessmare ends up firing a bunch of people and the ghosts end up looking rather silly[8]. Why?”

“That’s not quite the version of the story I was talking about,” Past said. “Anyway, I’m the Ghost of Hearth’s Warming Past. Hi! Nice to meet you! Since I’m kind of busy tonight, how about we skip straight to the part where I show you the past?”

“Sure, let’s just get this over with,” Suri said.

Past grabbed Suri’s hoof, and the two flew over Manehattan, before landing in an apartment decked out in Hearth’s Warming decorations, filled with cheerful ponies, a younger Suri among them.

“Do you remember this scene?” Past said. “It was your first Hearth’s Warming in Manehattan.”

The younger Suri was talking and laughing with the other ponies, exchanging gifts, and even singing songs.

“You were among friends that night, Suri,” Past said. “Do you still know any of these ponies?”

“I’ll have you know that I still know several of those ponies very well,” Suri replied.

“Industrial espionage doesn’t count, Suri.”

Younger Suri hugged another pony, smiling brightly.

Older Suri was quiet for a moment. “I guess… I guess I have some things to think about.”

“I’m glad I could give you some perspective. I’ll leave you to your thoughts until Present gets back from the liquor store.”

The ghost of Hearth’s Warming Past disappeared, as did the scene of the Hearth’s Warming party, and Suri returned to sleep.

===

“Bugg’rit,” a voice called across the dreamscape. When no reply was forthcoming, it added “You’s Suri Pomodore or something, right?”

“That’s Suri Polomare.”

“Close enough. I’s Present.”

“You’re drunk, aren’t you?” Suri said.

“You’s a jerk, aren’t you?” Present replied.

Suri sighed. “Can we get this over with?”

“Sure. Just come with me.”

Present grabbed Suri’s hoof (after two failed attempts), and the two suddenly found themselves in the home of Coco Pommel, which was richly decorated for Hearth’s Warming. Coco herself was surrounded by other ponies, laughing and singing much like the younger version of Suri had done.

“This scene looks an awful lot like the one the Ghost of Hearth’s Warming Past showed me,” Suri said.

“Oh, it is pretty similar,” Present said. “But there’s one important difference. The scene Past showed you, everypony thinks you’s great. This scene, well, see for yourself.”

A mare was talking to Coco. “I still can’t believe you managed to work for Suri for so long,” she said. “Why didn’t you quit sooner? That Suri is such a nasty piece of work. I can only imagine how much you must hate her.”

“Honestly, I don’t even hate her,” Coco said. “I did, at first, but looking back on it, her attitude was so cold and bitter I feel a little sorry for her. She has a very convincing fake smile, but after I learned to recognize her fake smiles, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a sincere smile on her face. I think I was the closest thing she had to a friend.”

“I think you get the point,” Present said. “Nopony likes you because you’s nasty. I’s seen piles of puke less nasty than you. I’ve made piles of puke less nasty than you.”

Suri was dead silent.

“Anyway, happy Hearth’s Warming! Got another scene to show you, by the way.”

Without waiting for a reply, Present whisked Suri back to the workshop, where Babs was still sewing, bags under her eyes, muttering as she worked. “Stupid Suri,” she said. “Thinks she’s all that! I hate fashion and everything to do with it! One of these days I’ll convince everypony that fashion is the worst thing ever! Maybe I can get my cutie mark in convincing ponies that fashion is horrible!”

“Hate fashion?” Suri said. “But-but… fashion is beautiful! Surely her hatred of fashion will pass, right?”

“Hah! Not with the way you’s treating her, it won’t!” Present replied.

“I-I have a lot to think about,” Suri said.

“Better get to it, then,” Present said. “Yet will be here right quick. Have a good night and all that!”

The Ghost of Hearth’s Warming Present disappeared, and Suri once again returned to a peaceful slumber.

===

“...” a lack of voice called across the dreamscape. The Ghost of Hearth’s Warming Yet To Come wasn’t a chatty type.

“You’re the Ghost of Hearth’s Warming Yet To Come, right?” Suri asked.

“...” the Ghost of Hearth’s Warming Yet To Come didn’t reply.

Yet stuck out a boney hoof, and Suri took it. The two were transported to a fashion boutique, with a large sign reading “Polomare Palace of Fashion - Going-Out-Of-Business Sale Extravaganza - 50% Off Everything For Hearth’s Warming!”

The store was nearly deserted. Suri could see only one pony inside - herself, now old, sobbing on the counter. A newspaper lay nearby, the headline reading “End of an Era: Manehattan’s Last Fashion Boutique Closes”. She read the article.

Older Suri was about to retire. Her business had been a modest success in terms of profit, but over time, ponies had lost interest in fashion, only buying clothes for practical purposes. She’d been forced to sacrifice form for function. Fashion had died.

On the other side of the city, Babs Seed read the very same newspaper. Babs had dedicated her life to ending fashion. She merely sighed. Her war on fashion had costed her dearly. She’d lost all contact with her friends in Ponyville - Sweetie Belle considered her a monster for ruining Rarity’s dreams, and Apple Bloom and Scootaloo had sided with Sweetie. Not only that, but because she was always preoccupied with her obsessive hatred of fashion, she’d never found the time to actually enjoy life. Babs sighed.

Suri had seen just about enough. “Please tell me I can stop this from happening!” she said. Tears were running down her cheeks.

“...” Yet didn’t say.

Suri collapsed to the ground, and cried like she had never cried before.

The Ghost of Hearth’s Warming Yet To Come disappeared, and Suri woke up.

===

Babs Seed was tired and miserable and wanted to go home. She idly considered the idea of trying to bring down the world of fashion after this ordeal would be over. She was shaken from those thoughts when Suri burst into the room.

“Happy Hearth’s Warming Eve!” she said. “You are dismissed! Go home! Enjoy the holidays!”

Babs raised an eyebrow. “I thought you-”

“I changed my mind! Now go spend the night and the next few days with your loved ones!” Suri grabbed her wallet, opened it, and held it upside-down over Babs’ table. “Here’s your wage! And a little extra for your hard work! Go buy something nice! And have a merry Hearth’s Warming!”

Babs was silent for a moment. Finally, she collected her bits and thanked Suri.

That night, Suri would write a long apology letter to Coco, and another to Rarity, and from that night onwards, she only ever acted generous, putting others needs above her own. Canterlot’s fashion scene remained as strong as ever as Suri became friends rather than enemies with the other fashion artists.

Babs was about to step out into the blizzard when Suri stopped her. Before Babs could even ask why, she found herself wrapped in a very warm and very stylish scarf.

“Thanks, Suri,” Babs said. “Have a merry Hearth’s Warming, and Celestia bless us, everyone!”

[1] Including some unfounded and rather uncalled-for claims about the body mass, intelligence and sexual promiscuity of Commander Hurricane and other historic figures.

[2] And lost him so many votes that he lost the race for re-election to an apple tree that was, at that time, located in an orchard in Ponyville.

[3] Indeed, nopony knew this fact better than Celestia, which was probably due to the fact that she was the one who paid them.

[4] Runny, Bunny, Punny, Joseph, Broseph, Asteroid, High Voltage, Krakaboom and Blinky the Highly Marketable One, the latter of whom may well provide the most unusual example of bioluminescence ever recorded.

[5] Specifically, Blargarok of the Thousand Eyes. The last time it had awoken, it had introduced the hedge fund to Equestria.

[6] Section 32 C, Article 4 of the Equestrian Penal Code, right after the law against queueing and right before the law against gravity. Nopony knew for sure how these laws had come about, and the fact that Celestia had tried to throttle Discord the day after these laws had come into effect was probably unrelated.

[7] Coco Pommel, of course, had quit her job out of her own free will after Suri had tried to cheat Rarity out of her trophy from Fashion Week. Suri in turn, had fired Coco for quitting.

[8] Suri was one of the few ponies who had read Prince Blueblood’s take on the story. Prince Blueblood, for his part, was due for his twenty-seventh consecutive visit by the three ghosts that night.