Help Me, Hoity!

by D4ftP0ny

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Rarity, Hoity Toity, Random, Applejack
Length: 10402

Hoity Toity isn't just a fashion designer- he's also the host of Canterlot's highest-rated television show. And he didn't get there by accident: with drama, hope, insults, and surprises, nopony puts on a show like Hoity!

Action! Drama! Suspense! Morality or the lack thereof! No matter what your taste in television, "The Hoity Toity Show" has what you're looking for! We bring you the dirtiest dirt, the darkest secrets and the most challenging problems of ponies from all over Equestria all orchestrated by our masterful maestro, the sultan of stage and show: Hoity Toity! Watch as Hoity speaks to disgruntled fillies, despairing mares and frustrated stallions, and through his amazing wisdom and wit makes their problems simply vanish into thin air! So don't touch that dial- "The Hoity Toity Show" is up next!

Published 2014-01-09 05:00:10 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-09 05:00:10 UTC

My Teen Filly Wants to Have a Baby!

“Hoi-ty! Hoi-ty! Hoi-ty!”

The chanting of the crowd filled the large room, echoing loudly across their heads despite the elaborate decorations on the walls; eclectic, hyper-modern art hung precariously along the borders of the room in large enough quantities that an art connoisseur may have asked if the art was purely for decoration, or if it had been arrayed in such a way as to make the crowd itself a part of it. As the chanting continued, a pulsing, thumping music burst into life, filling the room with its repetitive electronic melody. The crowd, a tightly-packed group of young to middle aged mares and stallions, quickly fell into tempo with the music, and in a small booth off to the far right of the room a white unicorn wearing opaque round shades bobbed her head emphatically in time with both.

“Hoi-ty! Hoi-ty! Hoi-ty!”

Along the ceiling hung a conglomeration of huge lights, both flood and spot, all pointing towards the end of the room where the ridiculous collection of art was the thinnest. As the chanting rose to a crescendo the lights grew brighter and brighter, their collective beams lighting up a stage that dominated the far wall.

“Hoi-ty! Hoi-ty! Hoi-ty!”

The stage itself was carpeted in a deep blue and framed by two large doors that led to either side of the back stage area. It held a neatly-arrayed collection of low-backed chairs and small tables, as well as a single, huge television hung on the back wall. As the lights came up the television flickered to life, and after a few moments a single huge logo appeared on the screen bearing in flowery, elegant script the very name that was being chanted wildly.

“HOI-TY! HOI-TY! HOI-TY!!!”

The music rose in a crescendo, the lights flared brighter and the chanting turned to raucous cheers as a single spotlight focused on the door to stage right; the music burst into a loud chorus, and the door swung open to admit a handsome, stylish earth pony stallion with a long white mane and brilliantly dark sunglasses that glinted importantly in the spotlight. If the crowd had been loud before, their cheers became absolutely ear-splitting as the stallion arched one perfectly sculpted eyebrow at them and raised the microphone in his hoof to his muzzle.

“Did I hear somepony call my name???” he asked loudly, his deep, rounded voice booming out over the crowd. The crowd responded with vigor, screaming his name again for all they were worth.

“HOITYYYYY!!!!!”

The stallion paused, pursing his lips thoughtfully for a moment before nodding and giving the crowd before him his very best smile.

“Yes, I thought I did.” He stepped out of the door and closed it firmly behind him. The crowd shouted, chanted, hooted and hollered as he made his way across the stage, waving his microphone around graciously at the crowd as if he were the Princess of Equestria at a royal address. The lights flashed and danced across the stage as the music from the white unicorn’s booth pulsed and pounded, the heavy-hoofed rhythm following Hoity Toity across the stage and to the low chair on the far left of the blue carpeted area. The sunglasses-clad stallion settled himself importantly into his chair as the music pumped once more, then quickly faded away; the chanting and shouting of the crowd did not fade so quickly, however, and soon their voices filled the room accompanied by the rhythmic stomping of hooves.

“HOI-TY! HOI-TY! HOI-TY!!”

Hoity Toity sat primly in his chair as he basked in the adoration of the crowd, taking several moments to brush an imaginary bit of lint from his luxurious white collar. Along the edge of the stage several large cameras moved to and fro, eagerly capturing every single one of Hoity Toity’s movements as smaller cameras slipped around the room, filming the reactions of the crowd. Finally, Hoity looked up from his shirt and gave the crowd a dazzling smile before raising the microphone to his mouth once more.

“All right, everypony, that’s quite enough- you’ll make me blush!” he said, his voice flowing through the room like a soothing balm. Within the space of two heartbeats the crowd’s wild stomping and chanting ceased completely, plunging the room into almost deafening silence as the stage lights came up and Hoity shifted comfortably in his seat. “Thank you, thank you all and welcome to ‘The Hoity Toity Show’! The most popular live television show here in Canterlot!” Another burst of cheers went up from the gathered crowd, but Hoity raised his white-cuffed hoof to silence them. “Yes, quite grand, quite grand, but even with my ridiculous charm and wit I couldn’t have done it by myself! Let’s give a round of applause to my amazingly talented DJ, the ever-vivacious DJ Pon-3, Vinyl Scratch!”

He gestured grandly with his free hoof as a burst of thumping electronic sound echoed around the art filled room; a camera swiveled to the booth at the side of the room where the white unicorn in the sunglasses threw her hoof into the air amidst cheers and whistles.

“Always a pleasure to have you here, Miss Scratch,” Hoity said, pointing a hoof at her and clicking his tongue loudly into the microphone.

“Always glad to be here, Hoity!” Vinyl Scratch shouted over the crowd. The stallion on stage smirked appreciatively as Vinyl’s horn lit up and sent a burst of multi-colored light pulsing into the room, causing the crowd to roar loud enough that the stage vibrated with their voices.

“Vinyl, you’re too gorgeous for the life of a disc-jockey,” he muttered sensuously into the microphone as he sat forward and placed his hoof on his knee. “When are you going to give up that filthy night-life and start modeling for me?”

It was banter that both ponies knew well and one that the crowd in the studio and at home expected and loved, and true to form the DJ sat back in her booth, crossed her front legs and lowered her glasses just enough to give Hoity a glance of her brilliant magenta eyes.

“When you start offering more incentives than just your illustrious company,” she quipped cheekily. The crowd burst into raucous laughter, hoots and whistles, but as the camera flickered across them to capture their responses Vinyl gave Hoity a wink before pushing her glasses back into place on her muzzle. For his part, Hoity laughed and tossed his white ponytail over his shoulder before turning his attention back to the crowd, his glasses glinting brightly.

“Now then, ponies, it’s time to get on with today’s episode!” Hoity shifted in his chair and switched his microphone to his other hoof as one of the cameras close to stage zoomed in dramatically on his face. “As you know,” he said, facing the camera directly, “here on ‘Hoity’ we try our best to ensure that the young foals of tomorrow are set on the right path- the path that their parents would want, and the path that the Princesses would approve of,” he said, his voice heavy. The crowd murmured its agreement as he raised his free hoof to his chest and took a deep breath. “But today, fillies and gentlecolts, we have three very special guests who are on the brink of ruining their young lives; three young fillies, barely more than foals themselves… who want nothing more than to bring foals of their own into this world, by any means necessary.”

The crowd made a very uncertain noise, like a group of ponies who had just been told that they were going to have to witness a public execution.

“These poor misguided young mares have told their friends that it is their decision, that they are old enough to ‘do what they want’- but we are going to show them exactly what such a decision could do to their lives on today’s episode: ‘Help me, Hoity! My Teen Filly Wants to Have a Baby!’” The stallion raised his left hoof to the television screen behind him as the title card for the show faded and a video began to play.

The camera flitted along the street of a suburb in Canterlot before coming up to the face of a disgruntled-looking orange Pegasus who made an angry hoof-gesture at the audience.

“My name’s Zip Flash, and I’m ready to have a baby!” she spat at the camera. “Everypony who knows keeps telling me that I’m too young, but I’ll show them!” She tossed her short purple mane and pointed aggressively towards the viewing audience. “And there isn’t ANYTHING you can say or do to change my mind, Hoity Toity!”

The camera pulled back from Zip before the scene changed; now the camera was on the steps of the Canterlot Library, and after a brief pause it darted forward into the face of a yellow earth pony with a bright red mane.

“Mah name’s Apple Blossom and Ah’m ready to have a baby!” The camera shot jumped to several different angles of Blossom in rapid succession, ending with her tossing her mane and giving the camera a dirty look. “Ah know that Ah cain be a mother to a baby, a mother like Ah never had! Ponies keep telling me that Ah’d be makin’ the biggest mistake of mah life, but Ah know better- Ah’d be givin’ some baby a chance to have a nice big family to grow up in! So don’t try to talk me outta this, Hoity- Ah’m havin’ a baby!”

The shot of Blossom dissolved rapidly into the face of a small white unicorn, her dual-toned pastel mane curling slightly into her eyes as she gave the camera a look that came off less angry and more apologetic.

“Um, my name’s Sweet Chimes, and… and I’m not sure I want to have a baby at all,” she admitted as the camera advanced on her, swung over the top of her and continued on as it filmed her upside-down. The screen cross-dissolved back to Sweet Chimes’ uncertain face as she shrugged. “My two best friends think that it would be a really awesome idea if we all got pregnant together, so we’d have a ready-made support group kind of thing, and I guess that makes sense, but…” she sniffled slightly. “But I just don’t know if I’m ready! Please, Hoity! Other ponies say I’m making a mistake, but my friends think it’s the right thing to do! Help me make the right choice!”

The television faded to black then back to the ‘Hoity’ title card, which now had the words Help me, Hoity! My Teen Filly Wants to Have a Baby! scrawled across the bottom in white. Hoity Toity shook his head ruefully before turning back to the camera and his audience.

“Fillies and gentlecolts, please welcome to the stage Zip Flash, Apple Blossom and Sweet Chimes,” he intoned solemnly. The door from stage right swung open, admitting the three fillies to the room; first entered Zip Flash, the orange Pegasus with the purple mane, who gestured angrily at the crowd as if she expected jeers and scorn. The crowd clapped at first, but as she made a particularly rude gesture with her left wing that was discouraged in most civilized corners of Equestria the crowd decided that a smattering of “boo!” would be much more fun. Apple Blossom came next, waving her hoof half-heartedly in the face of the now unhappy crowd before awkwardly lowering it back to the stage; Sweet Chimes came last, her eyes moist with unshed tears as she hunched her shoulders and did her best to look as small as she possibly could.

“Yeah yeah, whatEVER!” Zip yelled at the crowd, gesturing with her wing again. The crowd responded with more booing and hissing directed at the Pegasus as the trio found their way over to the seats next to Hoity, who raised his hooves towards the audience as they sat down.

“Now now, ponies- decorum, if you please.” The crowd slowly fell silent as the white-haired stallion turned in his chair and leaned his foreleg on his knee, his glasses flashing white in the spotlights. “Now the audience has seen the video that we filmed, girls, and we all know that you want to have fillies of your own… but perhaps you could elucidate on that for our viewers?” The three young ponies stopped moving and arched their eyebrows at him, and after a moment Hoity rolled his eyes behind his glasses. “…expand on that, perhaps? Explain to us why you want to have fillies, young mares.”

“Oh! Oh! I’ll go first!” Zip exclaimed, waving her hoof around in the air; the crowd hissed angrily at the Pegasus, but Zip just turned and glared at them. “Oh hush your muzzles you stupid [bleep]!”

The entire audience froze in shock for a heartbeat as the single bleep echoed around the room. The effect was caused by an enchantment that had been laid across the entire building by one of the most powerful unicorns in Canterlot who did such spells: an enchantment that turned all foul language to loud bleeping noises. The unicorn in question had many different variations on the spell, some turning the words to birds chirping, others turning them to amusing animal sounds- but Hoity Toity had told her that the bleep worked perfectly for the show.

The bleep didn’t even have time to fade away before the audience again erupted into a chorus of boos, hisses and some bleeps of their own directed towards Zip Flash, who simply waved her hoof dismissively while her two companions looked increasingly uncomfortable.

“Anyway,” she said loudly over the crowd. Hoity raised his hoof and the noise from the crowd faded as Zip continued. “The reason I want to have a foal is because hey, if you have a baby, everypony loves you! You always see young mares walking down the street with their foals and ponies just LOVE it. It’s a quick way to get popular- at least that’s what our friends say.”

“Only one pony ever told us that, Zip,” Blossom interjected with a frown, “and she ain’t exactly our friend.”

“WHATEVER,” Zip snorted, waving her hoof again. “The point IS that she’s RIGHT. And then not only do you have the TOWN eating out of your hoof, you have a stallion who has to be with you because you have a foal together. BANG: win-win situation, if you asked me.” Zip leaned back in her chair and fanned her wings out behind her, a look of smug victory on her face. “Just get knocked up and you’re set for life.”

The crowd murmured disapprovingly, and Hoity himself shook his head ruefully at the filly. He did not say anything yet, however- instead, he extended his hoof to Apple Blossom with a smile.

“And now you, young filly. Tell us your story, Apple Blossom.”

The yellow pony’s eyes went wide as she turned from Hoity to the audience and cameras before her, and for a moment her brow knit as if she were uncertain as to the crowd’s attitude towards her at the moment. Instead of booing her, however, the audience simply sat in silence waiting for her to speak; she wasn’t Zip, after all.

“Well…” began Blossom, her words tentative as if they may hide at the first sign of trouble. “When Ah was really young, too young to really remember, mah parents died…”

From the audience rose a gentle, sympathetic Awwwwww as Hoity pressed his hoof against his chest and gasped.

“Oh you poor little dear,” he said softly into the microphone. “That must have been so difficult for you to go through, becoming an orphan at such a young age…”

“Hey!” Zip exclaimed, pointing a hoof at herself repeatedly. “Is that all it takes to be liked on this show?! I’m an orphan too, y’know!” Her eyes jerked to the audience expectantly, but instead of the wave of compassion that Blossom had received she was met with cold silence and the voice of a single stallion from the crowd.

“We don’t like you, Zip- you’re a jerk!”

From off in a corner of the room, a stallion wearing a shirt labeled “Crew” gestured eagerly with a hoof to the audience and immediately the room burst into boos and jeers directed at the Pegasus on stage. Zip’s expression faded from one of expectation to the mask of angry disdain she had entered with.

“Bah, who needs your [bleep]ing sympathy,” she snapped as her wings ruffled angrily.

Hoity raised his hoof to the audience, and they immediately fell silent as he trained his sunglasses on Blossom. “Now then my dear, you were saying?”

The earth pony swallowed audibly and gave Zip a cautious glance before taking a deep breath once again.

“Ah lost mah parents when Ah was really young, Mr. Hoity, and for as long as Ah can remember mah sister, mah brother and mah Granny have been everything to me… but Ah know that they cain’t replace parents.” She wrinkled her muzzle and sniffled once, but when she looked up at the cameras her eyes were determined. “And that’s why Ah wanna have a filly of mah very own- so Ah cain raise ‘em in a good family!”

Hoity brushed a hoof beneath his glasses, and the cameras flickered to Vinyl in her booth; the unicorn had her own shades pulled off, one hoof pressed firmly against both eyes as her bottom lip quivered. The camera hesitated on her for a dramatic moment, then darted back to Hoity who sniffled once himself and turned his microphone to Sweet Chimes.

“And now you, young filly,” he said, his voice slightly tight with emotion, “Tell us your story, my dear.”

Sweet Chimes shook her head briskly, her dual-tone pastel mane bouncing harshly around her smooth features.

“Oh come now,” cooed Hoity, his voice delicate and silky soft as his hushed tones filled the room like a wispy cloud. “You don’t need to be shy.”

Sweet Chimes shook her head again, more firmly this time. Hoity smiled brilliantly, but those closest to the stage could see that there was more than an edge of irritation in it; thankfully, the cameras had a filter for that, and to the viewing audience at home his smile was the picture of benevolence. Next to Sweet Chimes, Apple Blossom leaned over and whispered in her ear, gesturing deftly with a hoof as she did so; Sweet Chimes muttered something inaudible, but a quick snort and a few more words from Blossom seemed to console her. Ever so slowly the little white unicorn raised her head towards Hoity Toity, and the camera over his shoulder zoomed in on her face as she opened her eyes.

The light from the stage seemed to flare brilliantly as Sweet Chimes’ luminous green eyes found the camera, their intense sheen making her snow-white coat to glow like the unicorn was some kind of divine being descended from the ethereal beyond; the spotlights caused the delicate tears at the corners of her eyes to sparkle like liquid starlight as the camera operator stared at her, transfixed. The audience in the studio gasped aloud, a sound mimicked by Hoity Toity and that was quickly followed by another, just as predictable sound: a wash of unmitigated adoration in the form of a single, drawn-out syllable.

“AWWWWWWW!!!!”

Sweet Chimes sniffled gently before turning her eyes to Hoity Toity who held the microphone out to her, his professional demeanor firmly back in place.

“W-well,” Sweet Chimes began, her voice even softer than Blossom’s had been. “I… I don’t really know if I actually want a foal.” She looked at her two friends uncertainly. “Zip and Blossom seem really, really sure that they want them, but I don’t know… Our friend, the one who told us that it would be a good idea-,”

“-the filly we had on the show last week?” Hoity interjected. “The pink filly with the striking blue eyes that was on our Teenage Filly Strippers: Where Did I Go Wrong episode?”

“Diamond Dazzle, yeah,” Sweet Chimes confirmed. “Well, she told us that if we all got pregnant together we could raise our foals together and it would be really good for us and for them… but I just don’t know if I want to do that, Mr. Hoity!” The unicorn buried her eyes in her hooves and sniffled again, louder than before. “I just want to make the right decision, Mr. Hoity! I want my mom and dad to be proud of me, but I want my friends to still love me, too!”

Hoity Toity nodded sagely, his ponytail bobbing behind him. “Oh, Sweet Chimes… don’t you worry about anything.” He sat up importantly in his chair as the camera focused violently on him; he hefted the microphone dramatically to his lips and whispered, “Hoity Toity is going to make CERTAIN that you make the right choice, little one!” His eyes found the three fillies again, and his mouth quirked into a tiny smile. “Now, I gather the three of you each has a big sister, yes?”

The three fillies nodded slowly, each with a varying degree of suspicion dawning on her face.

“And none of you have told your older sisters what you plan to do, have you?”

The fillies shook their heads simultaneously, their looks of distrust solidifying like day-old jam on a polyester sofa.

Hoity’s smile grew as he threw his hoof out towards the television screen behind him. “Well we have a surprise for you girls: your sisters are backstage right now, and they heard EVERYTHING you said!” The screen flicked from the title card to a live image backstage where an orange earth pony, a white unicorn and a cyan Pegasus all stood glaring angrily into the camera lens.

“…oh [bleep],” Apple Blossom intoned solemnly.

“Now audience, help me welcome Prism Flash, Golden Apple and Charity Chimes to the show!”

Music once again erupted from the speakers positioned around the room as the door at stage right opened abruptly to admit a multi-colored blur that flew across the stage and stopped only to hover threateningly over Zip.

“What in the [bleep] is going on, here?!” the angry Pegasus shouted as the burst of music died away, her rainbow tale lashing back and forth. “You never told me about any of this, Zip!” The smaller Pegasus crossed her hooves across her chest and snorted.

“Why would I? You’d have just tried to stop me and I don’t want you to try and stop me, Prism!”

“Well o’ course we would’ve tried to stop y’all!” another voice said from the doorway; out from the backstage area came a blonde mare with a cowboy hat, her brow furrowed in a tight frown that made her younger sister shrink in her chair. “Havin’ a foal at your age? That’s just askin’ for a load of problems and responsibility that you fillies just ain’t ready for!”

“She’s [bleep]ing right!” Prism Flash said, pointing her hoof accusatorially at Zip. “You don’t know what the [bleep] you’re doing, so you need to knock it the [bleep] off!” Zip’s eyes grew wide as the crowd cheered, spurred on by the ponies in black shirts who hovered around off camera.

Hoity Toity watched as Golden Apple approached her sister, the look in her eyes dancing from angry to sorrowful and back again; she stopped in front of Apple Blossom’s chair and the on-stage camera zoomed in on her tempestuous features.

“Blossom…” Golden Apple said, her voice quavering. “What’s gotten into you? This ain’t nothin’ you ever talked with me about, sis… what’s goin’ on in that head o’ yours?”

“If there’s anything going on in there in the first place,” Prism grumbled angrily, circling her younger sister like a vulture as the Apple sisters spoke. Zip made an angry gesture at her with a hoof, and Prism returned it whole-heartedly. The crowd jeered at the pair, but Hoity silenced them with a sharp gesture of his hoof as Apple Blossom sighed loudly and turned her tear-filled eyes up towards her sister.

“Sis… Ah never got to know Ma and Pa… you tell me they were amazin’, and Ah believe you… but Ah wanna be a mother, so Ah can BE an amazin’ mother to mah own filly or colt! So Ah can at least know what BEIN’ a mother’s like, since I never HAD one…”

“Oh Blossom…” Golden Apple sighed in vexation. “That’s just crazy-talk! How is havin’ a filly of your own gonna help you with your own issues?” She sat down in front of Blossom, her lips pressed into a thin line. “Seems to me y’all should be doin’ your growin’ up first, THEN worryin’ about foals. Y’know, like sane ponies?”

“Yeah, sane ponies!” Prism echoed, poking Zip with a hoof from above. “Like Golden and me!”

Golden Apple arched an eyebrow at Prism, and her expression slipped to something a bit less benevolent. “I said sane ponies, not feather-brained nitwits, Prism.”

A soft Oooooooooooooooooooooo!!! slipped up from the crowd as Prism Flash stiffened in mid-air, her eyes narrowing dangerously at the earth pony. Blossom and Zip both sat up a bit straighter as Prism Flash opened her mouth, her hoof raised to back up whatever kind of angry retort was sure to come blasting out of it, but before she could speak a small voice slipped between the two mares and drew the attention of the audience.

“Um… where’s my sister?” asked Sweet Chimes, her voice innocent and confused.

Off stage, a black-shirted pony slipped a disc to Vinyl Scratch in her booth; without pausing to ask questions, the DJ slipped the disc into one of her many various types of musical apparatus and pressed the play button, her expression totally neutral as if this kind of thing happened all the time. Before Hoity Toity could even turn to ask a stage hand where the missing pony was, a burst of music filled the room; the sweet, desperate plea of a single violin washed over the audience, its voice sorrowful and lost, and as it did so the house lights dimmed, allowing a single spotlight to flash its brilliance onto the still-open door to stage right.

In a heartbeat the notes from the violin rose in a trembling crescendo, and through the door burst the brilliant white unicorn that was Sweet Chimes’ sister; her mane bounced around her in perfect curls as she turned luminous eyes on her sister, the light causing the tears in her eyes to sparkle like the diamonds of her cutie mark.

“Sweet Chimes!” she gasped, her voice as sharp and desperate as the violin. “Why? Why this? Why NOW?!”

The small unicorn seated on stage sat up, her eyebrows arched incredulously. “Charity..?”

“YES, my dear, it is I- Charity Chimes, your one and only sister!” The music fell into a graceful yet chaotic decrescendo as the unicorn swiftly descended the stairs, the spotlight following as if it were glued to her; she hurried across the stage and threw herself onto the floor next to her sister’s chair, her front hooves grasping its arm as she gazed up at Sweet Chimes with enormous eyes. “How could you do this to me, Sweet Chimes..?” she whimpered, her lip quivering in a most becoming fashion. “How could you bring me here to this… television show… to tell me this, and not keep this in the privacy of our own home!?” She lifted a hoof and laid it across her eyes as tear almost as perfect as Hoity’s slid down her pristine cheek. “How could you..?” she whispered harshly.

“Oh, she’s marvelous,” Hoity whispered to a stage pony, who nodded sagely.

From above Zip came a snort. “Geez, Charity, you’re milking this so hard its udders are gonna hurt for days,” Prism said, her lip curled.

The spotlight went dark, the lights came up and the violin ceased to cry as Charity sat upright once more, her eyes narrowed at the Pegasus in distaste.

“I’m sorry, Prism, but some of us do have a better impression to make than simply swearing like a brute,” Charity clipped primly.

“I’ll agree to that,” said Golden.

Prism turned on Golden once more, her mouth open to deliver a rebuttal, but again she was cut off as Hoity raised his hoof and cleared his throat.

“Ahem- now ladies, please. This isn’t about the three of you; this is about your darling little sisters, who are mere hoofsteps away from ruining their promising young lives!” He shifted in his chair and pointed at the three younger ponies, his glasses glinting brightly. “And as Celestia as my witness I shan’t let this travesty continue! Talk to your sisters, ladies, and make them see REASON!” He glanced over his shoulder, where a stage pony wearing a headset gestured to him frantically. He turned back to face the six ponies on stage, his lips quirking into a smile. “And you have about five minutes in which to do it!”

The crowd cheered, and Golden Apple turned to Apple Blossom.

“Blossom, you’ve got a LOT of growin’ up to do before you become a mother,” she said simply. “I know you wanna be a mom, but now is NOT a time to do it!” She reached out and touched Blossom tenderly on the cheek. “You know I’ll support you no matter what, sugar cube… but I’m askin’ you to trust me on this. Please wait.” The audience applauded lightly as Apple Blossom nodded, her cheeks flushed.

“Ah do trust you, Golden… And Ah know you’ll only do what’s right for me… so… Ah’ll wait.”

Golden smiled broadly as the audience burst into much louder applause, but as they did so a snort went up from the chair to Blossom’s right.

“Feh, whatever!” Zip said with a wave of her hoof. “I don’t need you, Blossom! I just need my plan and my baby- that’s all I need to get what I want!”

“What YOU want?!” Prism snapped, dropping to the stage for the first time. “That’s what this is all about, isn’t it? What YOU want!” Her wings rustled angrily as she poked her sister in the chest with a hoof. “Well I’ll tell you what you want- you want to knock this [bleep] off and come home with me before I have to knock some sense into that stupid-[bleep] head of yours on TV!”

Zip opened her mouth to retort, but before she or the audience could respond Golden Apple shot to her hooves, her hat askew and her eyes ablaze.

“Watch your mouth, Prism Flash,” she growled. “That there’s no way to talk to your lil’ sister you foul-mouthed, feather-brained filly.”

“Say that three times fast,” Hoity muttered to the same stage pony as before, who once again nodded as sages are wont to do. Prism’s ire quickly redirected to Golden, her wings flashing up aggressively on her back as she turned to face the earth pony.

“What was that?!”

“You heard me,” Golden said, her hooves planted firmly on the stage. “I think you need to talk a little nicer to Zip, and maybe that’ll help us solve this problem a bit faster!” The crowd let out a surprised gasp as Prism’s eyes narrowed incredulously, and behind Golden Apple the two unicorns on stage shared a confused look and a shrug.

“I’m definitely okay with not getting pregnant,” Sweet Chimes whispered as a camera zoomed in on her sister and herself.

“I’m ecstatic to hear that, Sweet Chimes,” Charity said softly in return, her eyes riveted to the two other mares on stage.

“Does that mean we can leave now?” the younger unicorn asked hopefully, but the older unicorn slowly shook her head, as if she were afraid that any sudden movements might attract the attention of the other guests onstage.

“I’m afraid not, my dear,” she breathed as quietly as she could. “I have a feeling there are some fireworks left in store for us yet…”

“So YOU think that you can solve my problems, farm-pony?!” Prism shouted at Golden, drawing the attention of every camera in the building. “Think you can be a better big sister than me?!”

Golden Apple tossed her mane over her shoulder. “I’m pretty sure I could be a better big sister’n you in my sleep. AND I’m pretty sure that lil’ Zip there’d respond to you better if’n you just kept a level head about this!”

“Ladies, please!” Hoity said, his voice filling the room and drawing the attention of everypony in the room. He adjusted his glasses calmly before addressing his guests. “You’ll just have to save your squabble for another time, because I’m afraid your time is up.” He turned his attention to the three younger ponies. “Now then, my dears: how do you feel about getting pregnant, now that your sisters have found out and given you their advice on the matter?”

Apple Blossom smiled broadly and shook her head. “No foals for me, Hoity- not for a long while yet, at least! Mah sister’s right, Ah got a lot of growin’ up to do before Ah have a foal of mah own.” The crowd applauded politely as Blossom reached out and hugged Golden close, drawing a broad and gentle Awwwwww from the gathered ponies.

Sweet Chimes held her hoof up eagerly. “Ooh! Ooh! No foals for me, either! I wasn’t sure before, but now I KNOW I don’t want one… too much drama.” She swallowed nervously, and Charity patted her gently on the head.

Behind his glasses, Hoity’s eyes flashed to the corner of the stage where one of the myriad of ponies in black shirts waved her hooves wildly across her chest before pointing to her foreleg and shaking her head vehemently. A single bead of sweat formed on Hoity’s otherwise flawless brow, his calm and collected exterior radiating brilliance as he leaned towards Zip Flash, who still sat with crossed hooves and an angry glare.

“Well, young filly?” he asked smoothly. “What do you have to say, hmmm?”

Zip turned her eyes to her sister, who shook her head solemnly; then she glanced over to her friends, who smiled and shook their heads. Finally, she turned back to Hoity, who gave her his most winning smile as she sighed slowly.

“I think…” The filly sat bolt upright in her chair, her eyes blazing. “I think you can all go [bleep] yourselves- I’M HAVING A BABY!”

Hoity’s smile grew wide as the audience exploded in jeers and shouts, and from her booth Vinyl Scratch began flipping switches as she prepared for what was to come. Cameras whirled towards the host as the room all but shook with the noise of the crowd.

“Aaaah,” Hoity said, his face falling dramatically as he placed his hoof across his forehead. “I knew it was too much to ask- to have all of you beautiful young fillies change your minds so flawlessly was a dream too far, it seems!” He held his pose for a moment then sat up and pointed at Zip firmly. “But fear not, you fair young filly! Hoity Toity will not rest until you have been shown the error of your ways!”

“B-but I saw the error of my ways!” Sweet Chimes said desperately at the end of the row. “I came, I saw, and now I wanna go!”

“Ah, but you can’t!” Hoity said, turning his hoof to her. “We have to make certain that you silly fillies will NOT fall prey to the same traps that led you to this terrible position in your life! And here on ‘Hoity’ we have JUST the thing for that!” He turned and gestured grandly with his hoof once more. “And here to tell you just how big of a mistake you’d be making is a mare who made the same choices when SHE was your age! Please welcome Bittersweet to the stage!”

The door to stage left opened, admitting a cream colored mare with a bouncy dual-toned pink and blue mane, a bandanna tying her hair back out of her face. She had striking blue eyes and would have been extraordinarily beautiful if her face hadn’t been traced with dark lines across her cheeks, forehead and corners of her eyes; even her brilliant eyes looked tired and weary, giving her the look of a mare who had been through Tartaurus and back. The mare walked with a slight limp as she shut the door behind her and hurried out onto the stage, her world-weary eyes angry. Zip stared defiantly at her as she approached; Apple Blossom shrank away from her slightly, hiding behind her older sister who looked like she would gladly kick the new mare across the stage to keep her from Blossom. Sweet Chimes simply stared as if the newcomer might grow a new head at any moment.

“YOU three,” she said, her voice clipped and taut as she pointed a hoof at the three fillies. “I don’t care who y’all think you are- you’re all making a HUGE mistake if you have a filly at your age!”

Zip snorted and turned her head away from Bittersweet with a jerk. “What do you know, you [bleep]? You don’t know me!”

The cream mare arched an eyebrow at her and took the last step separating them, positioning herself close enough to Zip that if she had leaned forward Bittersweet could have touched the Pegasus’ nose with her own.

“What do I know?” she said, her lips pressed into a tight line. “What do I know!? Filly, I know that if you get pregnant at your age you won’t be able to hang on to the stallion that knocked you up; and then what are you? A young, pregnant filly with NOPONY to help you, NOPONY to take care of you OR that foal in your belly!” The mare pointed her hoof accusingly at the small Pegasus, her brow furrowed angrily. “You’re an orphan by your own admission, so you’d be raising that foal by yourself if you couldn’t keep a stallion in your life!”

Behind Bittersweet, Hoity Toity lowered his glasses and arched an eyebrow at a stage pony across from him. The mare shrugged and made a circular motion with her hoof, so Hoity pushed his glasses back up his nose and sat back to watch.

“You don’t know that! I know that I could hang on to MY stallion,” Zip said confidently. The audience jeered at her, but their response was drowned out as Bittersweet laughed loudly in the small Pegasus’ face.

“YOU? Filly, you don’t have the first CLUE how to please a stallion; how would you plan on keeping one?!” Zip’s eyes widened as the crowd burst to life once more, their laughter and cheers rolling over the stage like an ocean wave. For the first time, a small crack appeared in Zip’s armor as she opened her mouth to retort… then closed it slowly. A camera zoomed in on her disheartened expression as she lowered her eyes to the stage, then moved to the side to refocus on Prism, magenta fire burning in her eyes.

“HEY, you leave my sister alone!” she shouted, her wings bristling. “She has to take that kind of talk from me, but YOU can’t talk to her that way!” Bittersweet turned to face the angry Pegasus, her eyes calm and her expression deadpan.

“Oooh, and what’re you gonna do to me? Leave me alone to make all my decisions without you, like you did her?” The noise from the crowd swelled again, the long drawn out Ooooooooooooo! filling the stage as Prism Flash’s mouth dropped open in shock. The cream mare turned on stage and presented her rump to the Pegasus, her tail flicking dismissively as she did so. “You’d probably be doing me a favor if you did that.” she grunted over her shoulder.

The two Pegasi sat together, mouths agape in disbelief as the room came to life around them, cheers and jeers alike being tossed at the stage like bits of rotten fruit; finally, as Bittersweet began to move to stage left behind Hoity Toity, Prism found her voice. She stepped forward aggressively, her hoof raised in a display of anger… but before she could say anything Golden Apple moved to stand in front of her, and the noise from the crowd all but stopped as the earth pony glared at the Pegasus. Around the perimeter of the room ponies in black shirts froze in place, their eyes riveted on the stage as they waited to see what they should instruct the crowd to do next.

“Y’know, she’s absolutely right, Prism!” she snapped, her eyes fierce. “I think it’s your fault that Zip’s got this notion into her head, and it went from her head into my own sister’s head! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, PRISM FLASH!!!”

Prism slammed her hooves onto the stage and flew into the air, her mane and tail bristling like a huge cat.

“WHAT WAS THAT, FARM PONY?!” she screamed, and at the end of the row of chairs Charity put her hooves over Sweet Chimes’ ears, her face impassive. “I know I didn’t just [bleep]ing hear you say that this [bleep] is all my [bleep]ing fault, DID I?!”

“As a matter o’ fact, you DID hear that! I think that this IS all your fault!!”

“Its poor role models like this that make young ones like them make bad choices,” Bittersweet said loudly as she shook her head behind Hoity Toity. The pony in sunglasses nodded in exaggerated fashion, but as Prism opened her mouth to shout at the entirety of the stage he held up a hoof firmly; in an instant an almost magical silence fell over the room as a fleet of black-clad stage ponies held their hooves up off-camera, silencing everything and everypony at the same time.

“As much as I agree with you, Bittersweet, the truth is that these fillies DID make the decision and they MUST change their minds! They’ve heard why they shouldn’t do it from you, and now we’re going to give them a little extra incentive to remove these completely preposterous ideas from their heads!”

Vinyl hit a switch on her sound board, and the sharp rhythm of a snare drum erupted into the room.

Hoity threw his hoof into the air and pointed to stage left. “And we have just the pony to do that!! A hard-hitting, no-nonsense kind of stallion who tells it like it is! Please welcome our resident Drill Sergeant, Sergeant Horsepower!!”

The crowd erupted into cheers as the door was kicked open abruptly, admitting a horribly overly-muscular white stallion to the stage. He stepped onto the stage and threw a salute to Hoity Toity before the tiny wings on his back drew him into the air; he hovered over Hoity and past Prism and Golden to drop back to the stage before the three fillies and Charity. Cameras zoomed in on him as his enormous chin swiveled from one pony to the next in sequence, and the crowd roared its approval of the new arrival; to his left, Golden Apple and Prism Flash were ignoring him in favor of one another, their ire causing so much friction in the air that ponies near the stage took a half-step back into the rest of the crowd. After a long moment of silence the huge white stallion took a massive breath, his chest puffing out broadly as he did so; the three fillies, even Zip, winced and braced themselves for his onslaught.

“YOU THREE FILLIES,” he began, his voice roaring out at them like the wind from high in the mountains. The crowd’s roar grew even louder at the sound of his voice, and the black-shirted ponies all around the room waved their hooves to encourage them as the Sergeant focused on Zip. “AND ESPECIALLY YOU, YOUNG MARE- YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND ONE THING AND ONE THING ONLY!”

“Y’know, Golden Apple, I wonder if your little sister knows about just how pure YOUR virtue is!” Prism sneered at the earth pony. The blonde mare’s eyes went wide and her pupils narrowed in horror.

“You… you wouldn’t dare,” she growled.

“YOU FILLIES ARE ALL VERY SPECIAL YOUNG MARES!” the Sergeant screamed, spittle flying from his lips. “YOU DESERVE TO HAVE A VERY SPECIAL SOMEPONY IN YOUR LIFE AND TO BE LOVED LIKE THE SPECIAL SNOWFLAKES THAT YOU ARE!!!”

Hoity Toity groaned and smacked his forehead with a hoof as behind the cameras Vinyl Scratch collapsed in her sound booth, her laughter lost in the swell of stamping hooves and shouting voices.

“Oh wouldn’t I?!” Prism crossed her hooves over her chest triumphantly. “Would she still listen to you about waiting if she knew what I know?” Golden’s mouth dropped open as a camera zoomed in on the pair, intent on capturing their every facial tick; after a moment her eyes narrowed to dangerous slits, and her lips curled into as close to a snarl as a pony can muster.

“You… you can’t tell her, Prism,” said Golden, her voice dripping with rage. “I swear to Celestia I’ll bust yer lip open right here on TV if you do!”

“Tell me what?” Apple Blossom asked obliviously.

“YOU,” Sergeant Horsepower said as he pointed again at Zip, “HAVE SO MUCH POTENTIAL IN THE WORLD!!! YOU HAVE SO MUCH MORE TO DO THAN JUST GET PREGNANT AND HAVE BABIES!!” Zip stared up at him, her expression torn between comforted ease and abject terror.

“I-I do?” she muttered in confusion.

At the end of the row, Sweet Chimes looked up at her sister and arched an eyebrow.

“Don’t you want to get in on this, sis? There’re plenty of fireworks like you wanted…”

Charity smiled down at her sister and patted her gently on the head. “Oh no, my dear- I got my entrance, that’s all I wanted. The rest of the show is theirs!” The two white unicorns shared a smile and turned back to watch the show that was quickly becoming the live television edition of a twelve-cart pile up as Prism flipped in mid air and turned to face Blossom, a horrible grin spreading across her face.

“Oh, nothing much- just to tell you…”

“YES YOU DO!” Horsepower belted. “JUST LIKE NOT HAVING YOUR CUTIE MARK OPENS YOU UP TO LIMITLESS POSSIBILITIES, YOUR LIFE HAS UNLIMITED PLACES IT CAN GO AS LONG AS YOU DON’T WEIGH YOURSELF DOWN WITH RESPONSIBILITIES!!”

“I can’t believe I have to put up with this [bleep],” Bittersweet grumbled.

“Prism, I swear I will [bleep] you up if y’all say one more word!!”

“…that your precious, prudish sister-,”

“I’LL [bleep]ING KILL YA IF YOU KEEP TALKING, PRISM!!!!”

“SO MAKE SURE TO EAT YOUR VEGETABLES AND LISTEN TO THE ADULTS IN YOUR LIFE!”

“Once had a really, REALLY dirty fling with-!”

Prism never finished her sentence; with a leap like a jungle cat Golden Apple pounced on her, knocking her from the air and onto the stage where the two mares began wrestling and pummeling each other with their hooves. The crowd went berserk, surging forward so that they could all get a glimpse of the two mares fighting, and once again the chant of Hoi-ty! Hoi-ty! Hoi-ty! rang out.

“AND REMEMBER THAT SOMEPONY LOVES YOU!!!!” finished Sergeant Horsepower, his eyes wide, angry and slightly confused. The crowd cheered and whistled, urging the two fighting mares to continue while the few still paying attention to the Sergeant began to clap their hooves and cheer for the progress he was making with the misguided and forgotten young mares. The roar and applause reached a crescendo as Zip wiped a tear from her eye and hugged Blossom in relief, while at the same moment Golden Apple got the upper hand on Prism, rolling the Pegasus over onto her back and pulling her hoof back to deliver a final, justice-covered punch.

Like a flash of lightning Hoity Toity rose from his chair and threw his hoof out before him, his glasses flaring in the stage lights.

“ENOUGH!!” His voice rang out clear as a bell over the tumult of the crowd, and as if he had cast a spell the clamor and commotion stopped, every pony freezing in place and turning their eyes to him as if they were doing it against their will; even Golden Apple, who still had her hoof drawn back to knock some manners into Prism, turned her eyes to the left side of the stage and the stallion who stood there. He adjusted his glasses haughtily before snorting into the microphone. “ENOUGH, for Celestia’s sake,” he continued in a normal tone of voice. “Please, everypony- decorum. Remember that we are trying to run a classy show, hmm?” He tossed his ponytail and gestured broadly with his hoof. “Back to your places, everypony.”

The ponies on stage all glanced at one another sheepishly as Prism and Golden untangled themselves and returned to stand next to their sisters, their glaring eyes still locked on one another. Sergeant Horsepower nodded to Zip before moving to stand near Hoity as Bittersweet was, and after he was in place Hoity let out a small sigh.

“Now, young fillies,” he said as his eyes darted to his guests. “You’ve heard many, MANY reasons why you should not attempt the debilitating, life-altering and extremely dangerous stunt that is pregnancy.” His glasses flashed in the lights once more as he adjusted them with his free hoof. “Are you now prepared to throw this wild idea away, and go back to being the fun-loving young fillies you’re meant to be?!” His words were forceful, but it was quickly made clear that the emphasis wasn’t needed; each of the three young ponies nodded vigorously, and none more so than Zip.

“Yes, sir,” she said meekly. “I… I saw my error of the ways…”

“The error of MY ways,” Sweet Chimes corrected primly.

“Yeah, that… so… I’m sorry.” Zip Flash hung her head dejectedly, and the crowd let out a sympathetic Awwwwwww. Hoity Toity’s smile flashed brightly, and in a heartbeat he was at the center of the stage, a hoof clenched dramatically at his chest.

“And there you have it, fillies and gentlecolts! Three young fillies saved, three young, perfect lives spared the trauma of copulation and procreation, all thanks to the brilliance of one stallion- a stallion named-!”

He threw his hoof into the air, the house lights fell to black and a single spotlight ignited behind him, throwing his whole body into a gallant silhouette as the crowd responded to the pointing of every black-shirted pony in the building to scream one name:

“HOITY TOITY!!!!”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“Wow, that was really, REALLY fun!”

“I don’t know if fun is the word I would use…”

“Aww, c’mon Sweetie Belle, it was a LITTLE fun at least, right? Ah had a great time pretendin’ to be all conflicted an’ stuff!” Backstage, away from the lights, cameras and crowd, the three young fillies huddled together amid the hustle of the stage crew as they waited for their older sisters to find them, as they had all been ushered offstage in a bit of a rush. Sweetie Belle scrunched her nose up slightly, but after a moment she nodded.

“Well… I guess it was a LITTLE fun.” She perked up and smiled. “I really liked the music they played! And all the art in the room!”

Scootaloo’s wings fluttered rapidly, raising her slightly into the air as she kicked her hooves excitedly. “MY favorite part was when Applejack and Rainbow Dash got into that fight! I didn’t know they were going to do that!” She frowned. “Did I just miss that part of the script, or…?”

“Nope, Ah think that was just what Mr. Toity called ‘abby-libbing’,” Apple Bloom said with a nod. “They just made it up on the spot! Pretty good, if ya asked me!”

“Yeah…” Scootaloo mused, tapping her chin with a hoof. “Almost too good…” She turned to Sweetie Belle with a grin. “And speaking of too good, those tears you had were AWESOME! Where did you learn to act like that?”

“Act?! I was terrified!” Sweetie Belle shivered, her whole body trembling gently. “I think my time on TV is done…”

From the crowd of ponies around them came two familiar faces: the huge white stallion and cream mare who had been on stage with them. The pair stopped, and the fillies smiled up at them.

“Hi Mr. Snowflake! Hi Miss Bonbon!” they greeted in unison. The mare gave them a smile as she wiped the lines and age from her face with a damp cloth, leaving her coat as flawless and beautiful as it had been before they had been applied.

“I just wanted to tell you girls that you did a wonderful job out there,” she said, her voice warm and friendly. “Well done, all of you.” Scootaloo frowned at her slightly.

“Your voice sounds… different, now,” she said. Bonbon giggled as she wiped the last of the artfully-applied grime away from her coat.

“Oh sweetheart, this is what I normally sound like. I’m an actress, and more importantly I’m very particular about my voice.” She touched her hoof to her chest proudly. “Every character has a voice, and I am determined to give them each a unique one! Sometimes if I’m studying for a part, I forget to break character during everyday life…” She grinned sheepishly and blushed. “That can lead to some interesting encounters…” Bonbon cleared her throat and nudged Snowflake. “You can say good job to the fillies too, Snowflake- go ahead, its okay.”

The huge stallion nodded, his tiny wings fluttering anxiously. “Uhhh…” he said, his voice deep and uncertain. “I just… wanted to tell you all that I’m sorry I yelled at you… even though the things I said weren’t mean, I-I’m so sorry I had to yell at you…” He sniffed once and wiped his eyes with a tiny hoof. “You’re all… just wonderful!” He hiccupped and turned away from them, galloping away as he let out a sob. The Cutie Mark Crusaders watched him go, eyebrows arched in confusion until Bonbon giggled again.

“Oh don’t mind him, girls. He’s actually very sweet and sensitive, but Mr. Toity likes to use him as the big, bulky drill sergeant.”

“He sure looks it,” Scootaloo said.

“But… he’s right,” Sweetie Belle said aloud. “What he said to us during the show wasn’t mean… was… that what he was supposed to say?”

“Oh, his dialogue?” Bonbon put a hoof to her mouth and laughed loudly. “No, that was mine! I switched them when we started rehearsals! Isn’t that funny?” She laughed for a long moment before putting her hoof back to the floor with a smile. “Mr. Toity sometimes takes this show a bit too seriously, so I try my best to lighten things up with little… pranks with the dialogue and characters every now and again. He doesn’t attend our rehearsals, so it’s easy to do!” She winked at the fillies. “Don’t want to take silly television shows like this too seriously, now do we?” The girls giggled, and Bonbon smiled kindly at them again. “Well, off to finish cleaning up. Lovely to see you all again- have a safe trip back to Ponyville!” She turned and headed off towards the dressing rooms, tossing a wave over her shoulder as she did so. The Cutie Mark Crusaders waved after her, and Sweetie Belle smiled happily.

“Awww, she’s so nice! Why don’t we hang out with her more?”

“Because she’s crazy,” Scootaloo said sweetly without taking her eyes off the retreating mare. “She has two sisters who look just like her, and you never know which one you’re talking to cuz they won’t tell you!”

Sweetie Belle frowned. “Are you sure she has two sisters?”

Scootaloo shook her head slightly, her lips pressed into a thin line as she waved to the retreating Bonbon. “Nope.”

“…ooooh.”

“Apple Bloom, there you are!” The familiar drawl of the older Apple sibling drew the trio’s eyes as Applejack, Rarity and Rainbow Dash hurried towards them. “I’m glad y’all didn’t wander away,” she said as they drew up to them. “I know how much you’re lookin’ forward to having some time to explore Canterlot, and I thought y’all might’ve tried to get a jump-start on it.”

“Now Applejack, have a bit more faith in our dear little sisters!” Rarity said as her hoof absently worried with an unruly curl in Sweetie Belle’s mane. “They wouldn’t have done any such thing, would you, girls?”

“Yeah, give ‘em a little credit, AJ!” Rainbow Dash darted over to Scootaloo and mussed her mane up firmly with a hoof, grinning down at her from the air. “These girls are smart- they know when to play by the rules.”

The three fillies blushed with pride, but before any of them could respond the three older sisters formed a line opposite their own, their faces solemn but their eyes full of love.

“Girls,” Applejack said gently. “We want to have a quick talk with you ‘bout somethin’.”

“The topic of today’s Hoity Toity episode, as a matter of fact,” Rarity said with a nod.

“We know that they talked about a lot of stuff out there today that you don’t quite understand, or shouldn’t, at least,” Rainbow said, giving Scootaloo a wink.

“But we three wanted you three to know a few things, and we wanted to strike while the iron was hot, so to speak.” Applejack stepped forward and put her hoof on Apple Bloom’s shoulder, a loving smile on her lips. “Y’all need to know that love is like your cutie marks; you can’t rush it, and ya can’t force it, neither.”

Rarity stepped forward and lifted Sweetie Belle’s chin gently in her hoof. “And sleeping with a stallion to get him to like you is certainly no way to earn somepony’s love. That is a quick way to broken hearts, my darling. Sex is not something you use to earn love; it is something you do with somepony you already love. It is a decision you make together, consensually.”

“And getting pregnant is NOT a way to get a stallion you like to stick around,” Rainbow said, poking Scootaloo’s nose with her wing feathers. “That kind of thing doesn’t usually end well, and even if they stay with you they won’t always be happy- and that’s what you should want for somepony you love: for them to be happy, right?”

The three fillies giggled and nodded.

“We understand,” Scootaloo said, shifting so she could touch Rainbow’s wing with her own.

“And we promise that we won’t even START thinkin’ about that stuff ‘til we’re lots, LOTS older,” said Apple Bloom as she bumped her nose against Applejack’s.

“Because we have lots of growing up to do before we have to worry about sex and babies!” Sweetie Belle chirped as she nuzzled Rarity beneath her chin.

“But no matter what ever happens we want you to know that y’all can always talk to us about ANYthing- stallions, foals, sex, whatever- you just come to us. We’ll listen, and help y’all if that’s what you want. All right, girls?” The fillies nodded again, and the three pairs of sisters stood there for a minute or so, supporting one another as only sisters could as the world of the stage whirled around them. Finally, Rainbow Dash broke the embrace and stepped back, her eyes flashing to Applejack as she grinned.

“So Applejack, are you gonna come with me to talk to Hoity Toity?” she asked with a sly grin. “He did mention wanting to put us on another show…”

Applejack’s eyes widened and her whole body stiffened like an iron rod. “Um… well, I, uh…”

“Awww c’mon AJ! He wants to put us on a show called ‘Help us, Hoity! Our Friendship is Fractured!’, and we could come back as Prism and Golden and FIGHT!”

“Well, I…” Applejack swallowed audibly, but Rainbow stalked towards her with a predatory grin spread across her features.

“C’mooon AJ, think of the publicity! We’ll be recognized as actresses! And Rarity could even come back with us and play the traumatized third party who only wants to help!”

“Oh darling I think my television days are done,” Rarity said with a sigh. “But I’d be more than happy to come with you to talk to Hoity Toity- there are some things I would recommend he do with the studio that might make it more… presentable.” Rainbow grinned and spun Applejack on her hooves, nudging her along as Rarity took up a position on her left.

“A-all right, Rainbow,” Applejack said as they walked away. “Girls,” she said over her shoulder, “Y’all just wait for us outside the studio, okay? We’ll be right there!”

“All right, sis!” Apple Bloom said, waving. “We’ll be there!”

“Good girl, Bloom!” Applejack nodded to her sister, then turned back to Rainbow Dash with a scowl. “I swear, Dash,” she muttered as they moved out of earshot of the fillies. “If you ever mention that summer again, I WILL bust your teeth in, live TV or no!”

The three fillies waved to their sisters as they walked away, and once they were safely out of earshot Scootaloo turned to Apple Bloom with a smile plastered firmly on her face.

“That was so nice of them to say that,” she said through clenched teeth. “I guess that means we’re gonna have to change our cutie mark plans for this weekend, girls…”

“I TOLD you it was a stupid idea,” Sweetie Belle hissed.

“Shut up, Sweetie Belle,” Apple Bloom and Scootaloo muttered darkly.

Author's Note

This story was just a random idea I had- it was an attempt to make fun of those daytime talk shows that were so popular in the 90s, like "Maury", "Jenny Jones" and "Montel" to name a few. There are also definite "Jerry Springer" notes in there as well because, let's face it, you can't make a parody of those kinds of shows without using "Jerry". You just can't.