One Alex Fits All (silly intro)
Prologue: Celestia Finds Twilight a Pet
Celestia looked sadly at Twilight's newest letter, it lacked so much of the cheerful oomph that her letters held just a month ago. They lacked the adjectives that their usual correspondence held. The whole of it discussed other's lives, other's relationships. It seemed so... lonely.
Twilight was getting about that age. Celestia had fervently hoped that alicornization would put this off, but some developments waited for no species. Twilight was almost nineteen, and she had never dated. Celestia knew it would happen eventually. The little filly she taught was now a alicorn, and she would have alicorn needs.
Twilight needed a relationship. She needed love. She needed to rut or be rutted.
Celestia had lived for almost three thousand years, and this was new for her. Being an Alicorn made reproduction strictly magical, and that had robbed her of that level of connection for centuries. She had tried again and again to raise another Alicorn. All of those ended in failure or mediocrity, but Twilight was different. Twilight had been her adoptive daughter from just after birth. She had been that special little filly Celestia had always wanted. Consequently, Celestia was less than eager to see some of the ways Twilight was growing up before now.
Consequently, Celestia had no clue what Twilight wanted in a mate. Twilight was getting lonely and desperate, she would be less cautious, and Celestia would have to make sure the first suitor was the right fit in the long run. Just in case. That meant getting a mate that would fit Twilight's sexual preferences, but if she didn't know them...
Celestia's mind zoomed past just asking Twilight, and barreled straight into "I will just need to find a mate that can be what Twilight wants!" That meant finding a pony who was sexually flexible... but that wouldn't work. Twilight would feel wrong to force a pony to change genders, even if it was to fit her preferences...
Then Celestia had a awful, wonderfully atrocious idea. She began to have a cruel evil grin.
"If I switch their gender beforehoof, then Twilight would change them back without feeling guilty, or let them stay that way if they developed into liking it!"
It, in Celestia's mind, was the perfect solution. It would get Twilight a mate, and she wouldn't have to ask Twilight if she preferred cunts or cocks!*
Thus, 3000 years of wisdom was wasted.
=====
"Your highness, I admit that this isn't the weirdest thing you've asked me to find, but may I ask why you want me to find a bisexual stallion who is single and lacks a real gender identity?" The Royal Finder paused to allow Celestia to respond. When the ancient ruler failed to explain herself, Peeping Tom turned back to his magic orb and renewed his search.
=(Six Hours Later)=
Celestia's eternal patience met its final gruesome demise as Seer Peeping Tom didn't move for the millionth time. It's corpse was raped and tossed in a ditch as he continued to sit there, unmoving, not even breathing. Peeping Tom was alive. Celestia had checked about two hours ago. His heart was beating about once a hour.
Celestia was bored. For the first time in over two Centuries, she was BORED. she had passed time with mind games and logic puzzles before, but her backlog of even interesting topics had been completely emptied. Something about the seer's unmoving body made every second stretch on for hours. If she didn't know better, Celestia would accuse him of going into a coma just to prank her.
=(two days later)=
THE BOREDOM WAS TOO MUCH! Celestia charged out of the room crying and screaming. Psychologists were hired, and tissues were acquired in mass.
=(Three weeks later)=
Celestia stepped back into the Seer's room. He had begun to collect dust. After about a week, Celestia had sent Twilight on a wild goose chase alone to stall her attempts at romance. Celestia knew Twilight wouldn't be entering heat until December, two months from now, but she had made her leave Spike behind just in case.
She had even thought of a spell that would make the mate into whatever Twilight wanted, that way there would be less room for error. It still had to be a gender confused pony to make the poor thing's transition easier time become what Twilight wanted.
=(One Month Later)=
Celestia looked up from some paperwork as a manic guard charged into the throneroom.
"YOU HIGHNESS HE'S AWAKE!" Celestia blinked twice in surprise.
"Who?" she asked cautiously. It was way to early for Tirek to need his Trimillenial hoof job, Sombra had given up being evil when he took a arrow to the smoke (He now ran a nice pub in trottingham), and the West Borough Baptist Church wouldn't actually try to protest anything until next century. There couldn't possibly be any stallions attacking Equestria.
"Seer Peeping Tom, your highness." Celestia blinked thrice in total confusion.
"See a peeping tom where, guard?" The guard facehoofed.
"Seer Peeping Tom, the stallion you pay to find things... the guy we put the dust cover on?" The stallion clarified cautiously. Celestia considered his words for a moment, but then suddenly went rigid.
"I FORGOT ABOUT TWILIGHT!"
===
Twilight struggled over the cliff's edge. She had been climbing for hours, but hope and fear drove her. She was getting close to finding the foal eating chipmunk, she knew it! The past month hadn't been for nothing. It couldn't be! Celestia herself had tasked her with finding the evil foal eating chipmunk, and that's what she would do!
===
"Your Highness, the Seer!" The guard reminded Celestia. Appreciatively she nodded.
With one burst of speed she dashed through the entire castle to the seer long forgotten. The halls blurred past as the world's first Solarboom rocked the castle.
"REPORT!" Celestia screamed. The seer simply fell flat on his ass and glared up at Celestia angrily.
"Not a single god damned one." He reports sharply. Before Celestia can ask again he repeats. "Not a single god damn one." This is followed by an awkward silence as Celestia awaits further interrupting comments. None are forthcoming.
Celestia has another tremendously awful idea. "Try Earth." She didn't grin, but a grin was obviously in her eyes.
The seer looks away for a moment, and then turns back wide eyed.
"Y-your Highness, too many! I can't process all of them!" Peeping Tom begins to foam at the mouth and scream at the search result overload. Callously, Celestia picks a name from random out of Peeping Tom's mind.
"That'll do."
===
Twilight stares down at the dead chipmunk laying upon the pile of foal bones. She'd done it! Celestia would finally take her back! She wouldn't have to exile herself to a third world country and become a prostitute! She could finally see her fri-
Twilight's world span as a powerful teleportation spell dropped her right in the middle of the throne room. The cold stones impact painfully on her frost bitten limbs. After the red haze had cleared, Twilight rose to her hooves.
She looks up to see Celestia levitating a huge box. It's wrapped in so many ribbons that you can't see the box. On top of that are dozens of bows that stick out like rainbow colored cancer tumors. That didn't make it any less appealing. It was a present big enough to fit a pony in!
"Twilight I got you a pet!"
Wait what?
Author's Note
*It should be noted that Celestia bore a slightly manic look at this point. Anyone who saw it would remark how similar it was to Twilight's manic face. Some things were taught not genetic after all...