Everything is cooler with sunglasses.
It was another regular day in Equestria, so as usual Celestia was sitting on the throne signing some decree to raise taxes for some reason. Luna was not in the room, and Celestia saw no reason to have her little sister there. It was daytime, she was to stay in her room unless spoken to. Beside her, Prince Blueblood was complaining about the lack of fragrant shampoo for his coat, which Celestia ignored.
“Princess Celestia!” The door slammed open, and Celestia was quick to leap up, wings flaring as she prepared a spell and glanced around the room with sudden energy. However after a moment of getting weird stares, she sighed and reached behind the throne to take out her favourite socks, the one’s with the little chocolate cakes on them that had a funky smell. Slowly putting them on, and laying awkwardly on her throne, she waited for Twilight to speak.
“Your Royal Highness Celestia, monarch of the roving islands, wielder of the sun crown, bringer of the dawn, master of the light, victor of the battle of cake batter, avatar of the sun, High order of the council of Cake Tasters, Leader of the Cookie Rebellion, owner of Socks, Bowling Champion, Master of Shnit-Zu, Bringer of the fearsome banana, Queen of the Hot Flank, and owner of the biggest Rubber Band Ball; there is a big problem. An Alicorn is attacking Canterlot!
“His coat and hooves are solid black. While his mane is long and red, except for a single white stripe down its length and a black tuff that hangs over one of his deep blue eyes. His wings are black tipped with talons, and he appears to have horns like Discord, and holes like a Changeling. His cutie mark is of the moon, sun, magic, and Equestria all circling what appears to be a younger version of himself.” Twilight paused to take another deep breath.
“And his name is Prince Miracle Amazing Radicle Yearnable, Stoked Testromed Ultimate Epic.” Twilight collapsed to the ground, gasping for breath, and was quickly helped back up by Luna, who winced in sympathy.
Celestia groaned, “Again?” Twilight nodded, and motioned to the window where Prince MARY STUE, for short, could be seen hovering over Canterlot and giggling with glee. Celestia sat up straight and looked to Twilight as she began to cry, speaking between sobs.
“He says he’s your son, Discords as well, from an alternate universe where ponies are at war with humans but are also best friends with them and there are 7 elements and he is the seventh element and we’re all males and Chrysalis turned him into a changeling and now he rules the changeling hoard, and he came back in time to save the world from the chicken invasion.”
“Of Scootaloo’s?” Luna’s question was quick to receive a nod as Twilight broke out into sobbing again.
“Of Scootaloo’s, Oh Celestia I don’t know how much more I can take of this.” As Twilight cried, Celestia flew down and slapped her, who’s hoof went right to her cheek as Celestia shouted.
“You have no choice! You brought this hell onto us when you broke the fourth wall!” Celestia turned around and sat back down on the throne, facing the two with a serious look on her face.
“But wasn’t it you that did that-“ Luna winced as Celestia slamming her hoof down cut her off.
DO NOT QUESTION YOUR RULER! Don’t make me get the Massive Osculating Orbital Nominalizer to take you to you-know-where.” Celestia nodded as both bowed their heads, submitting to her obvious skill and leadership. With a sigh, she began to pull off her socks, tossing them on Blueblood’s head as he continued to complain, never skipping a beat. Twilight glanced to Blueblood, cringed, and opened her mouth to speak.
“Why do you keep that Pony-hole around?” Twilight watched as Celestia gave Blueblood a sparing glance, before turning back as she stood up and reached for a bag printed with a single banana on it and pulled it in front of her.
“I have my reasons.” Pulling out some sunglasses, Celestia slowly put them over her eyes, letting a small smile settle onto her face. Pulling out the last two things inside the bag, she crumpled the bag and tossed it at Blueblood’s head, who didn’t skip a single syllable. Looking to the two, they looked at her as she sighed and turned toward the window.
“Heaven forbid you two are useful for anything, you made me take my socks off.” Celestia watched as both bowed and mumbled a hushed apology, before she raised the cigar and lighter, and lit it with practiced ease. Giving another sigh, she watched as all her windows were shattered to pieces from her gaze, she would probably have to repair those, again.
“Celestia, you’re my mother you know! I need you to give me Equestria so I can save it from the meteor coming towards us.” Prince MARY STUE smiled warmly, opening his arms as a meteor appeared in the sky. Celestia glanced up at it, and lowered her sunglasses to reveal her eyes. The meteor shattered into a million pieces, she returned her gaze to Prince MARY STUE. Celestia put her sunglasses back on.
“Wow, you certainly are strong, as expected of my mother! But you must give me Equestria! Sombra is attacking the city.” As if on cue, a dark cloud muttering about crystals descended upon the city. Celestia turned her sunglasses toward the eyes sticking out of the cloud. With one movement, she took out her cigar, and flicked it into the eye. The dark cloud cried, and vanished with a poof. Celestia lit another cigar.
“Uh, Changeling-no uh….Oh! I’m attacking the city. I’ve been corrupted by evil! I am now Nightmare Stue!” Prince MARY STUE grew pitch black and taller, and began to laugh maniacally. Celestia sighed and turned toward the throne room, and levitated Blueblood out of it. Holding him with one hoof, she reached up and pulled his horn off, and chucked him at Prince MARY STUE.
“And another thing, you must raise my allowance again, I couldn’t afford the three wenches I asked for last night and it was simply embarrassing to leave them waiting there while I pulled out my piggy bank-” Blueblood flew toward Prince MARY STUE, who watched, not making a move to dodge. As soon as Blueblood touched Prince MARY STUE, he exploded, sending the Alicorn straight into a building.
With a loud pop, Blueblood reappeared beside the throne, not skipping a beat. Celestia flew down and landed over Prince MARY STUE.
“You can’t defeat me! I am all powerful, handsome, and an element of harmony!” Celestia leaned over and pulled a switch with a bright red button out of her mane, and pointed it at Prince MARY STUE, pressing the button. After a moment, a cannon appeared from the ground underneath him, and he fell into the large gaping hole of it’s mouth.
“To the moon,” she spoke, turning around and walking away as a large bang sounded behind her, sending Prince MARY STUE where she sent all ponies who defied her. Flying back up to her throne, she closed her eyes, taking off her sunglasses and tossing her cigar in the bin, putting everything back once more in her banana bag. Sitting back down on her throne, she once more pulled out her socks.
“You two can go.” Celestia narrowed her eyes as Twilight and Luna, who bowed and left the room in an instant. Celestia sighed, and once more laid over her throne as she put on a single sock. So then, of course, the door slammed open again.
“Your Royal Highness Celestia, monarch of the roving islands-blada blada blada-; there is a big problem. An Alicorn is attacking Canterlot!” Celestia narrowed her eyes at Twilight.
“Did I give you permission to shorten my title?” Celestia watched Twilight shrink under her gaze, and sighed, pulling her socks off once more.
“Princesses today, no respect for their elders,” she muttered, once more reaching for her banana bag. Pulling on her sunglasses, she once more reached for a cigar, lighting it.
“I’m gonna have to start filling up mars soon. The moon is starting to get quite full.”
Author's Note
It looks like he just got sent
(•_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
to the moon
