I just don't know what went right...

by DerpyDitzyDerpyDo

Rating: teen
Tags: Derpy Hooves, Princess Celestia, Alternate Universe, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Dinky Hooves, Romance
Length: 22137

Celestia, Godlike ruler of all Equestria, is falling desperately in love... with a derpy eyed mailmare who just can't seem to do anything right.

A Derpy x Celestia Romance Fic

Celestia is lonely. Hopelessly lonely. With Twilight living in Ponyville and Luna busy reclaiming her role as Princess of the Night, the immortal Sun Goddess finds herself with not a single pony to talk to, heart-to-heart. Until fate decides to fling an unfortunate grey pegasus through her window and into her life. Can love survive the massive class gradient or will the pressures of being a single-mom... or being a solar deity... crush this romance before it blossoms?

(I write short chapters but try and update as often as I can. I'm going to try and make writing obscure shippings my thing as a writer. Feel free to check out my Trixie x Applejack fic as well if you're keen.)

Published 2014-01-09 16:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-13 06:44:12 UTC

Part One, Chapter One: Don't Apologize

"P-p-puh-please, your highness! I b-b-beg your forgiveness!"

What did I do to deserve this?

"Please! I have a wife and kids d-d-don't execute me... if you m-m-must p-p-punish me then at least g-g-grant me the mercy of exile! Please..."

I have not exiled one of my subjects in over seven hundred years. I don't think I've ever executed even a single pony... why must they always fear me so?

Genoa Cake grovelled miserably before me, little rivulets of tears and snot dribbling down his face as he clung to my leg. He was one of the new culinary staff, a baker by trade. As I recall, Genoa was hired to temporarily replace Chocolate Éclair, a more veteran chef who had had to take a sabbatical. The earth pony did not appear to be having a very good first day in the castle. Behind him was one of the centrepiece tower cakes for this evening's event lying ruined on the floor.

I forced the warmest smile I could manage, "The day I punish one of my subjects for unintentionally knocking over a single cake is the day I eat my own crown," the weeping earth pony blinked up at me with watery eyes. I sighed inwardly, "I'm not going to punish you in any way, shape or form. Please call Petit Four, the head chef for the second floor bakeries, and tell him we will need a replacement cake for this evening... and clean up this mess. All is forgiven, my little pony."

Genoa's face was awash with masochistic relief. He scrambled to his hooves and took off at a canter. Petit Four was a stern chef. The apprentice baker had more reason to fear him than me.

"Try not to knock anything else over," I called after him as he made his way to the stairwell, "And try not to call me all the way down there next time you do," I said quietly to myself.

Why must it always be like this? Do they enjoy doing it? Is it some kind of new Equestrian past time? Why is it that every time a guard loses his spear, a gardener trims the wrong plant or somepony accidentally bumps Philomena's cage I have to endure ten minutes of weeping, grovelling and begging? I don't enjoy seeing them debase themselves in front of me. I don't want them to sacrifice their dignity for my benefit. I take no pleasure in it at all. Do they? Surely not. So why must they act like this? Am I too strict? Too lenient? What do I have to say or do to get them to stop being so impossibly apologetic all the time.

"Apologies, your majesty," Flash Sentry nervously approached, picking his way around the corpse of the tower cake.

"Whatever is the matter?" I asked

"The delegates from Stalliongrad have arrived," he said, making a clean and practiced salute.

I felt a stab of irritation, "How is that something you have to apologize for?"

Flash stared blankly back at me, caught entirely off guard, no pun intended, "I'm sorry, your majesty?"

His response did little to quell my rising temper, "What are you sorry for?" I snapped.

Flash stammered desperately, "Uh... please... if I've offended your majesty then I offer my most humble apologies... I'm not sure how I-"

"Stop apologizing!" I feel my wings flare in anger. The air hisses and sizzles around us with the sudden spike in my magical output.

"I'm s-s-sorry..." Flash shuddered in terror, realizing his mistake immediately and shutting his mouth. I forced myself to take a deep breath and calm down. Sometimes I forget how intimidating I can be.

There was a time once when all I wanted was for them to fear me. When I stalked battlefields raining fire and fury down on my cringing adversaries. But that was a different time. This was not wartime. This was a golden era of peace that I had crafted with my own hooves. It had been half a millennia since anypony had seen me engage in combat. So why do they still tremble before me? Has my frightening power been so engrained in their consciousnesses that even their children cower before me? Do they still whisper stories of those darker times behind my back?

I glared down at the now whimpering Flash. I've never done anything to hurt you nor have you witnessed me harming so much as a fly in all the years you've been in my service. Why must there be this unbreakable wall of apologies and formalities between us? Why can we not just be... friends?

At least that is what I wanted to say to him. I can be a coward too, sometimes.

Instead I said, "In truth it is I who should be sorry, my dear subject. I... I have had a terrible migraine and I let it affect my temperament. Please have Raven escort the delegates to the main hall. I will meet with them anon."

Flash Sentry looked like he was on the verge of apologizing again but thankfully he thought better of it, "Yes, your majesty," he said and with a flap of his wings he was gone.

Gone to tell the others I'm in a foul mood no doubt. All the more reason to fear the great and terrifying Celestia. I need a few minutes alone before I can face them.

I stepped elegantly over the cake that Genoa had destroyed and made my way to my private quarters. Perhaps a few minutes of pressing my face against the cool stone wall of my bedroom would help me gather my resolve. And calm my agitation.

As I made my way up the stairwell I could hear the voices of the guards at my chamber door as they echoed down the stairwell to greet me as I ascended.

"Not bad, not bad! But try this one on for size: A donkey, a unicorn and Celestia walk into a bar. The donkey says to the unicorn "Do you know why donkeys don't get Cutie Marks?" and the unicorn says "No, why?" so the Donkey turns to Celestia and says..."

The guard trailed off as he saw me approaching, the colour rapidly draining from his face.

"Says what?" asked his companion, oblivious to my impending presence.

"He... he says... th-th-thank you for constantly watching over Equestria and for your unending kindness and clemency," he replied, stiffly.

"And then what does she say?"

"Nothing. Thats the end of the joke."

"That doesn't even make sense. What kind of a joke is... oh," the other guard silenced himself, as well. Finally noticing me standing behind him.

Don't do it. Please, don't do it. Don't. Don't. Don't beg. Don't grovel. Don't. I'm not in the mood for-

"Your Highness, please, please forgive us. We were watching your room diligently, I swear. I would never dream of... insulting the crown... please..." he began.

"Shut. Up." I swept past them both and slammed the door of my room behind me. Exhaling all my frustrations, tearing off my crown and flinging it onto the bed. I listened to the guards hissing blame at one another and then hurriedly quietening themselves in a crescendo of shushes on the other side of the door.

They can be so ridiculous, sometimes. How do I tell them what it is that I want? It's just a joke. You can tell a joke or two at my expense. I'd laugh along with you if only you'd let me. I'm so... lonely. Crushingly lonely.

I bit my lip. Where is Luna right now? Probably still asleep. I wonder if she would be upset if I woke her up to talk. I need somepony to talk to. Anypony. And not the careful, calculated, politically-correct Princess-speak kind of talk but something real. All I want is... all I need is...

An explosion broke my melancholy ponderings. The huge stained glass window on the western wall had burst into a thousand tiny pieces and showered across the floor as a small grey lump hurtled into the room. It crashed into my royal bed, burying itself in a mountain of silk sheets and plush cushions.

An... an assassin? I hadn't had to face an assassin in years but who else would have the courage to barge into my private bedchamber. A thief, perhaps? At this time of day? I carefully approached the wriggling pile of blankets and telekinetically plucked them apart. What my investigation revealed was a small grey pegasus kicking and struggling free of my blanket. A pegasus currently wearing my crown.

She struggled to her hooves and stood on the bed. Staring right at me.

Well... at least one of her eyes was staring right at me.

Author's Note

I'd love to hear your thoughts on where you'd want this story to go, possible plot holes, criticisms or problems with my writing style. Super big thanks to everyone who comments, favourites or likes. You guys always make me smile and it makes writing totally worthwhile.

Part One, Chapter Two: A Breath of Fresh Air

A simple flying accident? Still... this could constitute trespassing, vandalism, damage to royal property and lèse-majesté. If tripping over ones hooves during a parade could make a grown stallion write a letter of resignation to me what torrent of sobs, whining and weeping was this young mare about to unleash? Would I have to talk her out of publically disembowelling herself? I couldn't be in a worse mood for dealing with my overly apologetic subjects right now and yet here it comes as inevitably as the tides. Let the grovelling begin:

Three.

Two.

One.

"Hi," said the young grey pegasus with a jovial grin.

"H-hello..." I replied. It had been a very, very long time since I had been genuinely taken aback.

"Um... this wouldn't happen to be twenty-two Maple Lane would it?" she asked, digging her saddlebag out of the crater of cushions and blankets her rather hard landing had created.

It took several moments to regain my composure, "No, my little pony. This is the royal suite in Canterlot Castle. My royal suite."

"Do you know where Maple Lane is?" the young mare rummaged in her bag and dug out a large street map, unfurling it on my mattress and peering at it intently, "I feel like I've been looking for it all day. I guess I just don't know this area so well. I asked a stallion on Main Street and he said that I should fly as far as the train station and then head East but I always have difficulty getting my compass out my bag while I'm flying. I think I must've dropped it."

Is she concussed? Suffering from some head wound? Does she know where she is? Who she is talking to?

"Are you quite alright? You hit your head quite badly on your way in here and... and your eyes have..." I have some small knowledge of healing magic although it has never been my forte. Being an ascended alicorn, however, means that I can pull off even my weakest spells with greater efficacy then a specialist. With a flick of my horn I summoned up my magic.

"No, I was born this way. I didn't hit my head too bad but thanks for asking," she realized the map was looking at the map upside down and flipped it around.

Strabismus, of course. She must be visually impaired. It would explain her blithe attitude in the presence of a Princess. How careless of me, "I'm so sorry, I-"

"Don't be!" she laughed.

That painfully simple reply struck me in the chest like a battering ram.

"Oh!" she glanced up at the ruin she had wrought across my bedroom, "I broke your window..."

Please, no. Please don't. I was enjoying this. Don't cry. Don't grovel.

"Sorry 'bout that. Um... here!" she plunged a hoof into her bag and produced a small, slightly squashed object bundled up in cling wrap, "I'll give you my sandwich so we're even," she held the sandwich, it looked like watercress, cucumber and chives, in front of my face.

When all I could do was stare at her slack jawed she carefully placed the sandwich on my head, balancing it precariously behind my horn.

"Don't eat it all in one place, 'kay?" grinned the pegasus. She cocked her head when I didn't respond. She was still wearing my crown and now it was resting at a playful and absurd angle. Suddenly she looked suspicious, "Hay! The sandwich's all you're gonna get. Take it or leave it. I'm not gonna let you extort me out of my muffins."

I cleared my throat. Where did I leave my prim and proper Princess facade today? It's taking me an awfully long time to summon it up.

"Do you know who I am?" I asked finally, telekinetically removing my new sandwich crown and placing it on my bedside table.

"Sure! I'm not blind after all. Your face is on our money, how could I not? Do you know who I am?"

So she does know who I am... but then... why is she treating me like I'm... a pony?

"No, I don't believe I've made your acquaintance yet," I had regained my composure, once more wrapped in the elegance befitting a true ruler.

"Then I guess some introductions are in order," she clumsily crumpled up her map, tossed it in her bag and leapt off my bed. She turned to face me and gave a triumphant salute.

"Ditzy Doo, junior mailmare for the town of Ponyville. Proud member of the Equestrian Postal Service:
Rain, wind, sleet or hail
In our duty we shall not fail
Uh... something, something... humpback whale
And deliver Equestria its mail," she spoke the final line of the Postal Service motto with unfaltering conviction despite having been somewhat derailed during the third line, "A pleasure to meetcha," she extended her hoof.

"The third line is 'No matter the trial, we shall prevail'... also you saluted with the wrong hoof," I chuckled gently as I took her hoof in my own, "What a delight to meet a devoted servant of our beloved postal service. I am Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria," truly it was a pleasure. Luna and I will laugh about this by the fire tonight, I'm sure.

"Well, I should probably get going. These letters aren't going to deliver themselves. Though sometimes I wish they would. Only some of them mind you. I don't like delivering stuff to ponies in big cities 'cos I always get lost. But out in the country's the best. Do you go out into the countryside often?"

Small talk. She was making small talk. With me. Ruler of Equestria. Raiser of the sun. Burning messiah of the equine species. It was glorious. Damn near brought tears to my eyes.

"No, I don't get out of the castle nearly as often as I would like," I replied.

"You should! It's breathtakingly beautiful this time of year. Winter's just ended so all the flowers are poking their heads out. Springtime's just so fresh!"

"Well... I mean... I can't just up and leave..."

"Yes, you can."

"I have innumerable responsibilities that have to-"

"Nope."

This was making my day. Not even Luna would dare say no to me directly. I could feel something building deep inside me.

"You're the Princess! All you gotta do is say I, Princess Celestia decree that I'm taking the day off. Everypony needs some down time once in a while. Oh, but look at me rambling and carrying on like a dummy when there's mail that needs delivering," she trotted over to the broken window that she'd come in through.

"Wait!" I cried in panic.

She glanced at me over her shoulder.

"You're still wearing my crown," the words I had wanted to say simply didn't come out at all. Thank you. Thank you for this. I needed this breath of fresh air so badly. I had nearly suffocated.

"Woops! There you go. Enjoy that sandwich, 'kay?"

"Will you find Maple Street alright?" I ventured, if only to keep her here for a moment longer.

"You bet! 'No matter the trial, we shall prevail', right? I may get lost once in a while but the mail always gets there on time," she grinned and leapt cleanly out of the jagged hole in the stained glass window. As I watched her blonde tail vanish into the clear blue sky I laughed.

I laughed long and loud. Not the dainty, calculated giggle I had trained myself to deploy when a fat diplomat made an attempt at some half remembered joke but a full-force earth shaking guffaw. I hear the guards out the door murmuring nervous me as they listen to me cackle but I couldn't care less. This was what I had felt building within me with every word that strange young mare had uttered. Finally overflowing. I laughed until my face hurt.

The door creaked open and Raven, my personal assistant, poked a frightened looking face through the door, "Your Majesty? Are you alright?"

I tried and failed to return my face to its usual state of tranquil sincerity. After struggling past a few more giggles I finally said, "Better than I have been in a while. Cancel all my appointments tomorrow. I'm taking the day off. Now come, dear subject, we have left the Stalliongrad delegates waiting long enough."

"All your appointments, your Majesty?" she asked, looking shocked.

"Did I stutter?" I asked sternly, stepping past her into the hall.

"You!" the guard I directed my shout at went rigid, his jaw clenched and his face red, "Walk with me."

He followed me and Raven stiffly down the stairs. His limbs moving almost robotically and his eyes darting rapidly around as if he were about to be attacked at any moment.

"Tell me," I said, smiling warmly, "Why is it that donkeys don't get Cutie Marks?"

Author's Note

Too much Derp and not enough Ditz? I really hope I got the balance right this time and you find her character endearing and not annoying. Especially after I got on the front page and everything, the pressures really on. New chapter tomorrow, I promise.

Super big thanks to fferror for finding some cool art for the fic to replace my shoddy MS paint job that I had originally.

As usual I'm keen to hear your thoughts on where you want this to go or if your not happy with how it's going currently etc.

Part One, Chapter Three: Springtime in Ponyville

I decided to spend my day off engaging in one of my favourite pastimes. Teasing Twilight Sparkle. I have been playing with my students for almost as long as I have had them. Nothing malicious or cruel, mind you. Just a gentle prank every once in a while.

I wondered which of my tricks I should try today. Show up at her library unannounced, perhaps? That could be more than enough to send the cute purple unicorn into a state of frenetic panic. I giggled to myself as I drifted through the clear blue sky, imagining her desperately scrambling around her library trying to tidy up. But what if Twilight wasn't home? Out with one or more of her friends. Then maybe I'd spend the day with Spike getting all the gossip on what she'd been up to. Find out the things she wasn't putting in her letters. I could wait in the library for her and then when she returned I'd step out suddenly from behind a bookshelf. Just to see if she'd jump clean out of her skin. Oh, this was going to be so much fun.

Not even last night could put a damper on my spirits. After being forced to play nice at the delegates dinner for several hours I finally slipped away in hopes of having a chat with Luna. Only to find that she'd gone on one of her Dream Journeys and her devotees were highly distraught over the absence of the Princess. I had to spend damn near an hour reassuring various individuals from guards to chambermares that: No, the Princess had not been kidnapped. Yes, this was a part of her normal duties as Night Princess. Yes, they could expect her to return by morning. No, there was nothing they could do to help. Yes, this was something that will probably happen again in future. And on and on it went. These things are to be expected, I suppose, they are still becoming accustomed to her after all.

But as I floated on an updraft in the crisp spring air my troubles seemed so far away. Ditzy had been right. It was simply stunning out here in the country. The fields of green below me rippled like an emerald ocean in the breeze. Small speckled patches of bright colour broke the verdant waves like foam. The flowers had returned in full force after a long and cold winter. And there lay Ponyville, nestled between the rolling hills on the banks of a lazy river. Its thatched roofs huddled together around spire of town square. And there was my student's library with its treetop swaying gently like a sail in the wafting spring air. A picturesque vista to say the least.

And pictures need to be appreciated from afar and up close. I decided to walk the remaining distance. I would take the back roads to avoid drawing too much attention. If I was going to ambush Twilight I certainly couldn't afford to have a large crowd following behind me. Besides, I stood out more in the clear sky then on the ground. Maybe I'd bump into one of Twilight's friends. I'd say hello to them like any other normal pony. Ooh, maybe they'd go and tell Twilight I was here and then I could cast an invisibility spell and hide from her. So many possibilities ran through my head as I gently alighted in a back alley across within line of sight of Golden Oak Library.

Right. Time for me to put my talents at sneaking into action.

"Hi!"

I almost fell face first into the dirt.

"Wow! Kinda weird how sometimes you meet somepony who you've never met before and think that you'll prob'ly never meet again but then you run into them again right away. I wonder if there's a word for that," I whirled around to see the grinning face of Ditzy Doo.

"Hello, Ditzy," she caught me off guard again. How embarrassing. However a Princess must be a master of making even her slip-ups seem intentional, "I was somewhat hoping we might bump into one another once more. I took your advice and have taken the day off. I wanted to to make sure you weren't injured after the crash. To check up on you, as it were."

"So you came to see me?" she asked.

"Among other things..." I replied vaguely.

"How come you're hanging around in an alley staring at Twilight's house then? " I felt my face grow hot. I'm here to play childish pranks on my student and she caught me red hoofed.

"I-I-I thought I might drop in on my dear student first... just while I'm in the area," how does she keep doing this to me? I never stumble or falter in front of my subjects and here I am making clumsy excuses like a schoolfilly.

"Hmmm," Ditzy scrunched her nose in thought, her tail swishing pensively, "Yeah, Twilight's really busy today. Last I heard she got called over to help Mayor Mare. There's been some kind of structural problem with the bridge and they want somepony smart to take a look at it before they'll let anypony across. Twilight'll fix it, I'm sure. She's always the one to help us out when there's a serious problem in town. I reckon they'll be busy on that for a few hours. Tell you what though. How 'bout you come have lunch with me and Dinky while you wait?"

A friendly invitation. I racked my brain to think of the last time I had been able to informally interact with my subjects like this. It had been far too long. Perhaps teasing my student could wait. This was a rare chance.

"That sounds wonderful. Um... who is Dinky? If you don't mind me asking..." if she doesn't mind? I've ruled this land for more than a millennium and can reduce a mountain to rubble and I'm checking with her if she doesn't mind me asking. Something very strange is going on with me lately. And I'm not sure I like it...

"Really? You'll come?" Ditzy laughed and flung her arms around my neck, nuzzling affectionately into my flowing mane. And with that I'm completely sure I like it, "Awww, thats great! A Princess over for lunch. Dinky's gonna be so proud! Oh... Dinky's my daughter. She's the one that made the sandwich you ate."

"The sandwich you exchanged for a two hundred year old stained glass window?" I laughed.

Ditzy detached herself from me and stood, pouting defiantly, "That was a fair trade! I'd swap a hundred dumb ol' windows for one of Dinky's sammies!"

I felt a warmth wash over me. And it was not simply because the two of us were now walking side by side in the sun.

"Well, I'll have to thank your daughter personally then won't I? Lead the way..."

Author's Note

Woohoo! This is my first story to make it onto the front page and everything. And now I'm super worried I'll derp it all up 'cos I didn't plan out the story at all. Super big thanks to everyone who commented, liked, favourited etc. You guys make my day every time!

I'll fix any typos you point out.

Will write another chapter as soon as I get a chance.

Part One, Chapter Four: Introductions out of the way

I had faced down entire griffon battalions less intimidating than the small unicorn filly glaring at me from across the dining room table. It was a withering stare that cut into the very fibre of my being.

"So you must be Dinky. Your mother told me all about you on the way over," I ventured, struggling to keep my composure. It was hard enough to appear regal and aloof with my head stooped low to avoid bumping the ceiling of the humble dwelling. A punishing silence followed, broken only by the clinking of crockery as Ditzy prepared lunch for us in the other room.

"Did she?" came the scathing and rhetorical reply. I flinched visibly as the filly finally spoke.

"Uh... yes... she... she said you were a wonderful young filly who... who tried very hard at... at school," I stammered, sending a desperate and hopeful glance at the kitchen door.

Please come back, Ditzy.

"Do you know how many days a week my mom gets to take off?" asked Dinky, her gaze unfaltering.

"No?" I squeaked. Come on! She's just a foal! You need to get a grip!

"Just one. Just one day a week to spend with me. Do you know which day of the week she gets to take off?" the filly narrowed her eyes, leaning forward on the table. She should get a cutie mark in interrogating criminals. This was gruelling.

"Today?" I quaked internally.

"That's right!" the filly banged her hoof on the table to punctuate her point, "But instead of spending time with me, what's my mom doing right now?"

"Making lunch for me," I bit my lip.

"Making lunch for you. You! Princess of all Equestria. Who has a whole bunch of ponies that make lunch for her every day. Who could eat lunch absolutely anywhere she wanted with anypony she wanted. But choose to eat lunch here. In my house," I couldn't make eye contact with her. Was this what my subjects felt in my presence, perhaps? This shame.

What a golden opportunity. Certainly this was awkward and embarrassing. But what was it I wanted from my subjects? What was it this filly wants from me? To debase myself and make tearful apologies? Certainly not.

I cleared my throat, "Tell me, Dinky. If you were in my place and it was you who was ruler of Equestria, able to eat lunch wherever you wanted with whoever you wanted, where would you eat lunch?"

"Here with my mom!" Dinky did not hesitate for so much as a second.

"May I hazard a guess as to why?" Dinky nodded, "I believe that your mom is a very, very special pony. A pony who always makes time for the ponies she cares about. A pony who would never let you down. A pony who loves you very much."

The filly's gaze finally softened and I was able to rebuild some semblance of my usual royal facade.

"Is it truly surprising to you that I would want to have lunch here? Given that this is the location you would choose if you were in my place," I wish I was able to properly straighten my head but I wouldn't want to puncture the ceiling with my horn, "I think your mother is a very special pony too. And I hope that you'll be generous enough to share her with me... just this once."

Dinky pondered this for a minute. Weighing my words. Finally, she stood up and trotted over to me. She wriggled in between the table and myself, settling herself between my forelegs and leaning back against my chest.

"Yeah, I guess you're alright. Don't be such a phoney and I'll be your friend," I peered down at the small filly now seated beneath me. Her anger seemed to have rapidly subsided.

"Phoney?"

"That fake-talk thing you did when you came in here: "Ooh, what a lovely home you have", "My, what a delightful daughter", "I can't thank you enough"... you know. That phoney-speak. Don't do any of that and you and I will get along fine, 'kay?" the young filly had done an excellent job at mimicking my practiced and deliberately formal way of speaking. I had always thought of it as 'Princess-Speak' but I suppose 'Phoney-Speak' would be just as adequate.

"Very well... I mean... okay. I will... I'll try," I caught myself putting on a fake smile and wiped it off my face. No façades.

I felt a real smile form as Ditzy danced into the room, balancing a tray of sandwiches on her head.

"Mom? Careful now. Just take it slowly. Nice and slow," I felt Dinky tense up.

"I got this!" Ditzy tripped over... nothing... apparently... just as she spoke the words. She stumbled violently to the left and then lurched back to the right, her wings flapping frantically.

My magic enveloped her, gently lifting the pegasus and placing her next to us and the sandwiches carefully on the table before us.

"Heck yeah! Go Princess!" Dinky nudged me in the chest affectionately.

You are more than welcome, my little pony. Said the phoney voice in my head. Instead I laughed haughtily and said, "And now that I've used my magic to save our lunch I will use it to hog it and eat more than everypony else as well," I telekinetically swiped a sandwich and stuffed it into my mouth in a manner most unbefitting of a Princess.

"Hay! I got magic too you know!" Dinky concentrated hard and one of the sandwiches lifted and trembled its way through the air to her mouth.

"No fair!" Ditzy scrambled onto the table and chased after the floating sandwiches.

There were no words to describe how much I enjoyed that lunch. I have eaten lunch with famous comedians and not laughed so hard. I have eaten lunch made by world famous chefs that did not taste as good. I have eaten on the brink of active volcanoes and not felt such warmth. I spent far longer than I intended too. Ultimately, Dinky had to damn near shove me out the door when my stalling tactics ran out. It was already evening by the time I finally set out to leave.

"I hope we can see each other a bit more," grinned Ditzy as I stepped out into the dusk.

"I'm certain that we will," I'll make sure of that.

"Are you going back to the castle?"

"Hmmm... not just yet. There's something I need to do first."

______________________________________________________

"Well, that took longer than expected," Spike dumped his backpack onto the library floor and then immediately picked it up again after Twilight shot a meaningful glance his way.

"At least the bridge is safe for use now. Take the books upstairs. You know where the Equestrian Architecture and Structural Engineering sections are, right?" smiled Twilight as I stepped out from my hiding place and crept up behind her.

"Hello Twilight! I thought I'd pop by and see you!"

"GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!"

Author's Note

That should do for the introductory passages. Now to get the story properly under way.

Part Two, Chapter One: Plans in Motion

Luna was, unsurprisingly, a nocturnal creature. In truth it was more convenient this way. It meant there was always a Princess awake somewhere in the castle at all hours in case of emergencies and, paradoxically enough, it meant we two had more time to spend with each other. Her duties would begin several hours after mine had ended leaving us with a good solid period to chat.

Every evening I would hear Luna, her booming voice echoing through the halls , as she woke up and made her way to the dining hall. Luna's difficulties with controlling her volume were an unending source of amusement for me. The look on her scribe's face the first time she bellowed at him from a few hooflengths away was a priceless gem that will stay with me forever. I try to remind her when I can but she is still having trouble adjusting. Old habits die hard.

We breakfast together or, more accurately, she eats breakfast and I eat dinner or vice versa, and discuss our respective days... or nights in her case. But tonight would be different. Luna was due to return from her Dream Journey.

The Dream Journeys were the parts of Luna's duties that I had been most relieved to relinquish back to her upon her return to the throne. I hated them. They were frightening, unnerving and never failed to leave me exhausted for several days after I attempted them. The Dreamscape was a place unbound by rules, logic or reason. A place of nightmare and fantasy where any stray thought could twist one's already winding path. When attempting them I'd always felt like I was fumbling around in the dark, dumbly imitating my sister without properly comprehending what I was doing or why I was doing it. Luna had been most frustrated with me when she witnessed what I had wrought of the Dreaming in her absence. She said that we were on the brink of a disaster because of improper maintenance of the Dreamscape and I believe her.

I was waiting patiently in her chambers watching the spot next to her bed where I could sense she would return from. Suddenly a blue spark flickered in the air. It danced and twirled. Growing larger and darker with each passing moment until it looked like a tear in the very fabric of reality. It flickered and blurred as my sister stepped out of it, shrinking upon her exit until it flashed clean out of existence.

"Welcome back," Luna was soaking wet from head to hoof. Dripping onto the plush carpet.

"Raven!" I called, "Be a dear and fetch my sister a towel."

"T'would be much appreciated!" roared my sister, shaking her mane like a dog that just climbed out of a river. She looked sheepish when she saw that she had showered me with the spray. I licked a droplet of it off my lip. Salty.

"Wet dream?" I giggled teasingly.

"Aye, a young colt dreaming himself lost at sea. 'Tis of no concern. He found his own way to shore," my little joke had flown clean over her head, apparently.

Raven hurried into the room with several towels and a very confused look on her face.

"Thank you, that will be all. Feel free to retire for the night," I said, taking the towels and passing one to Luna. Raven bowed and excused herself hurriedly. I think she might still be a little skittish around my sister after an incident involving a plate stacked high with wine glasses and a certain Princess speaking several decibels louder than perhaps the situation demanded.

"How was your trip?" I asked Luna as she wrung out her sparkling mane.

"Satisfactory to say the least. Yet there is still much to be done."

"Perhaps next time you could inform your attendants of your impending departure. They were worrying themselves inside out last night," I dabbed a few stray drips of water off her chin.

"They were?" Luna's joy was palpable. She always perked up when she heard tell of our subjects showing even the smallest affection for her. It was adorable. Her ears pricked up and an eager light formed in her eyes.

"That's not a good thing," I reminded her, "They may take time to adjust to your duties and habits."

"They have had time enough," snorted Luna and then paused as if realizing something, "Why were you waiting in my bedroom? Does some matter demand our royal attention?"

I had thought that a thousand years apart might leave her less attuned to subtle changes in my behaviour patterns but it seems she is as sharp as ever.

I swallowed hard, "I... I have taken an... 'interest' in one of our subjects. I thought I might let you know. "

"Male or female?" she asked, feigning disinterest.

"Female."

"Pretty?" the two of us set off for the dining hall. Luna must be starving after her long journey. We paused, briefly, outside her bedchamber to close the door and hand the towels to the two guards stationed outside it.

"Very. Or at least... I think so. You know I have... unusual tastes." Many of my traits have changed over the millennia. I am not as violent or as confrontational as in the days of my youth. I am more patient and not as quick to anger. I have also become more distant, particularly towards those directly in my employ, after being hurt one too many times by their inevitable expiry. The one thing that has never changed about me, however, is that I have always been attracted to interesting or unusual looking mates, often to my own regret.

"Excellent. And how soon will you be adding her to the royal harem?" asked Luna, I noticed one of the nearby guards trying desperately to look like he wasn't eavesdropping. I cleared my throat and he flinched visibly.

"We don't have... we don't do things like that anymore, Luna," I hissed, hoping she would take the hint and lower the volume of her voice. This was one of the few occasions where her loudness was not quite as hilarious as I usually found it.

"No harems? But then how does one organize one's lovers?" saying Luna was sharply attuned to my subtle cues was perhaps an overstatement on my part. There were times when I thought that perhaps my sister's head was filled with bricks.

"One lover at a time is the general consensus," I shot a glare at the guard and he shrank into his post, he seemed to almost be trying to push himself into the stone wall itself.

"Ah. How disappointing. That would explain why that mare's husband was so upset with me a few nights prior."

I squeezed my eyes shut. Should I ask? Did I really want to know the story behind that offhand remark? No. The answer is no. We set off side by side to get Luna her breakfast.

"So have we been reduced to wooing them as commoners do? How will you woo this new fancy of yours then?"

"Oh, I have a cunning plan. A very cunning plan," I said, giving the furiously blushing guard a parting swish of my tail as we trotted away.

Author's Note

Does this warrant a sex tag? Maybe just for the innuendos?
I don't wanna give people the wrong idea. This certainly isn't gonna turn into a clop fic all of a sudden.

Part Two, Chapter Two: No plan survives contact with reality

"And your name is...?"

"Penny Black, milady," she was a dark grey earth pony with a postage stamp for a cutie mark. Suffice to say she was not who I was expecting.

"You work for the... Ponyville Post Office do you?"

"That's correct, milady," Penny dipped into a low bow for the third time since entering the room.

"Do you, perchance, work with a pony named Ditzy Doo?" I enquired, attempting to sound as nonchalant as possible about it.

"Uh... yes, milady."

"Why would they send an earth pony all the way to Canterlot to deliver the mail when they have a pegasus in their employ?" Penny rubbed her arm and glanced around nervously at this.

"When we realized that this delivery was to be directed straight to the Princess we figured that maybe Ditzy might not be the best choice. She has a tendency to get lost in big cities. So they sent me instead... is that... acceptable, your majesty?" No. No it is not.

"But of course. And what have you brought me?" I asked as sweetly as I could manage despite my rising frustration.

"One copy of the Ponyville Express, one brochure from Mr. Breezy's Fan Shop, one weekly insert from Quills and Sofas, one copy of Clothes Horse magazine and one letter from a Ms. Twilight Sparkle," I telekinetically lifted the items one at a time out of her hoof and laid them out on the arms of my throne.

"Excellent. These are... just what I wanted. Thank you. That will be all," Penny Black bowed her way back out the door she came in through.

Damnation. My plan had failed catastrophically. I had hoped that by placing requests for various rubbish pamphlets, newspapers and so forth and by asking Twilight to send her letters by mail for once, I would ensure that the Ponyville mailmare would be knocking on my door within the day. It had not occurred to me that such a small town might have two or more mailponies.

I drummed my hoof impatiently on the arm of my throne as I sifted through the pile of junk. I'll throw away these pamphlets and the newspaper and save Twilight's letter for later. I'm not in the mood for it right now. I need to come up with a new plan to lure Ditzy out to Canterlot.

"Your highness?" Raven picked her way cautiously around the crumpled pieces of paper I had flung on the throne room floor.

"What?" I couldn't even be bothered to put on my soothing motherly tone of voice.

"V-v-various individuals are here to see you, your Highness. Shall I send them away?" quivered the small unicorn, hurriedly picking up the pamphlets I had flung on the ground.

I sighed, "I apologize. Please, who has come to see me this morning?"

"Dizzy Spiral, from the Canterlot Weather Team here about the springtime rain schedule."

Ah, I've been expecting Spiral to pay me a visit. Spring will require slightly more rain than usual this year due to an upcoming solar fluctuation that will cause a brief drought period during next summertime.

"Fancy Pants, here regarding the gala planning."

As usual Fancy is well ahead of schedule. The Gala won't be for a few more months. Still, one cannot punish diligence.

"Prince Blueblood, here about... I don't know what he's here about... he wouldn't tell me. If I were to hazard a guess I would say it is probably to complain about not being invited to the Delegate's Dinner last week."

Oh, for goodness sake. Not this imbecile, again.

"A miss Doo from Ponyville and of course Ms. Spitfire, captain of the Wonderbolts, here about the bids for the opening ceremony of the Equestria Games."

Right. There was a money dispute and a fair bit of political backstabbing going on in and around the Equestria Games opening ceremony rights. Everypony wants a piece of the pie and it looks like it's going to be my job to do the dividing. I think I'll talk to Spitfire and Spiral at the same time because there are several... wait... did I just hear her say...?

"Excuse me for this, Raven, my head has been in the clouds all morning. Read that last name back again?" my heart had started thumping in my chest.

"Spitfire, captain of the Wonderbolts here about-"

"No! I mean... no... the name before that..."

"A Miss Doo from Ponyville. She said she wanted to... 'hang out' with the Princess. I'll be sure to send her on her way. Sorry to have even mentioned something so trivial," Raven turned to leave but I halted her in her tracks.

My magic enveloped the mousey brown-maned unicorn and lifted her, squawking and wriggling, into the air.

"You will do no such thing!" my voice echoed through the hall. My wings flared, my horn glowed, I rose to my full height without even thinking about it, "Full name!"

"Your M-m-majesty?" her eyes were wide, staring down at me from several meters above the ground.

"Give me her full name!" I thundered.

"Ditzy Doo!" squeaked the small unicorn, squirming in my grip.

"I... oh goodness! I'm so sorry," I quickly lowered poor Raven to the ground, "I don't know what came over me. Dear Raven, please, accept my sincerest apologies. I haven't quite been... my usual self these past few days and I am ashamed to have submitted you to the brunt of it. You know I would never harm you or any of my subjects don't you?"

Raven nodded but still looked a little shaken, "Is this Ditzy Doo character... dangerous?" she asked, after taking a moment to make sure she was still back on the ground once more.

"Not at all. One of the most harmless ponies I have ever encountered."

"Then why is your Majesty so afraid?" asked Raven warily.

"Do I seem afraid?"

Raven nodded again. I suppose I am. It has been four hundred years since I last took romantic interest in another. Times had changed. Gone was the age where suitors would bring poetry, flowers and songs to my door. Gone were the delicate dances of courtship. I'm no longer sure I even know what shape romance has in this modern age. Could ponies even think of one such as me as a romantic partner to another any more? Could she? Was she even interested or was she merely extending the hoof of friendship to a lonely old Princess? She had a foal already. Did that mean she would not pursue love in the heart of another mare?

"I am afraid, Raven," I confessed.

We two stood in silence for some time after that. Then Raven did something she had never done before. She placed a hoof on my shoulder. It was an awkward and brief moment but it brought me much comfort in a strange kind of way.

"If there's anything I can do to help, your Majesty, then say the word and I will get it done," Raven adjusted her glasses, they had been slightly misaligned by my momentary outburst.

"There is one thing..."

I swallowed, "Does my mane look okay?"

Raven stared blankly at me.

"Do I have anything in my teeth? Any ruffled feathers? Any ink smudges? Should I change my shoes? Is my crown on straight? Do I look... attractive? Frightening? Alluring? Stiff?"

Raven stifled a giggle, "Your Majesty is as beautiful as ever. There is only one aspect of your appearance that seems a little out of the ordinary."

"What is it?"

"Your Majesty is blushing in a very noticeable way."

Ah damn. Not much I can do about that. Deep breaths. Try to keep calm.

"Right. Send... Miss Doo in."

Author's Note

Yeah. Raven's a real pony. She was in the Crystal Empire part 1 and she's been in a few of the comics.
http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130301094503/mlp/images/1/1d/Raven_id_S3E1.png

Part Two, Chapter Three: First Date

I struck my most regal pose, one hoof resting on the arm of my throne and the other tucked elegantly under my chin, as I stared off into the distance. She'd be here soon. Was this really how I want her to see me? Too arrogant. Too pretentious by far.

Maybe if I slumped back in my throne a bit like a couch potato. Is this how all the hip cool youngsters sit? No, this is ridiculous. I look a right fool.

Off the throne entirely then. I don't want her to even think of me as a Princess. But I can't just stiffly stand here in the middle of the room. Should I lean against one of the pillars? Maybe put on a 'Hey there, pretty lady' kind of face. Eyebrow raised. No, no, no. This just looks like I'm trying too hard.

Crown on or crown off? Damn, I should have told Raven to stall her for a bit. Maybe I should go and greet her as she walks up. Yes! That's it. I want her to know how glad I am she came to see me. Meet her half way. I trotted briskly over to the huge steel double doors that lead into my throne room.

The doors burst open, one of them slamming directly into my forehead and sending me reeling off to the side. As the door swung open the whole way I found myself squashed between one of them and the wall.

"Oh geez, I'm sorry. Did I push the door to hard? I thought it would be heavier than it was," I could hear Ditzy's voice despite now being pinned between the steel door and the wall

"No harm done. Step this way, Miss Doo," said Raven as she lead Ditzy into the room. The two of them had not even noticed that they had bashed me in the face with the door. How embarrassing could this be. But being smashed in the head by a steel door was not nearly enough to hurt anything more than my pride, thankfully. Ascended Alicorn's are legendarily resistant to physical harm. And the good news was that neither of them had become aware of my presence, jammed behind the door as I was, as they entered. Now all I need to do is step suavely out from behind the door and... and... I... I can't move.

My horn had punched clean through the metal door as it opened and was now lodged into it. I tugged and yanked trying to free it but it was stuck fast.

"So... uh... where is she?" Ditzy glanced around the empty throne room before her.

"That's strange... she was just here a second ago..."

Come on, come on, come on. Get free you blasted thing! I placed both hooves on the door and heaved but it wouldn't budge even an inch. Please don't let the two of them turn around. The thought of Ditzy seeing the Princess of all Equestria stuck horn-first in her own door was mortifying.

"Perhaps she returned to her chambers?" said Raven.

No. No, no, no, no, no. Don't turn around. I felt my frustrations channelling into my horn. Power flooded forth, surging through me. A sudden burst of heat poured out of me. I felt my horn loosen as the steel door melted into a puddle of glowing molten slag.

Ditzy and Raven swung around as they heard a hissing noise.

"This... uh... this door was bothering me so I... got rid of it," I said, glancing frantically between my guest and the stinking pile of molten steel at my hooves.

There was a long silence broken only by the sizzling of the now liquefied steel door.

"We'll get a more suitable replacement immediately your Majesty," said Raven, looking worried, "I'll... leave the two of you alone."

I was blushing again, worse than before.

Ditzy, bless her heart, did not probe me as to why I had suddenly decided to melt one of the doors to my throne room.

"I got a whole load of letters to deliver all over Equestria but I figured, since I was gonna be in the area, maybe I'd pop in and say hi... Hi!" she smiled, her tail wagging cheerfully.

"Big work load today? I hope you didn't have to wait too long to see me," ah, small talk. I love small talk. I get so little of it in my day to day life.

"Yeah, Penny had to make a big important delivery to some Canterlot bigwig so I'm handling her workload for the day," I felt a stab of guilt. I should have just invited her. She would have come if I just invited her. I can be such a coward sometimes.

"I'm sorry to hear that, Ditzy."

Her laughter rang through the hall, "Nah, lots of letters to deliver isn't a bad thing. I love my job a whole lot. My only worry is that Dinky will be mad at me if I don't make it home for dinner in time. But hay! Maybe you can help!"

I blinked at this, "Help?" I suppose I could have some of my servants deliver the letters for us so that she could stay here and relax. Is that what she means?

"Sure. You can come with me on my rounds. Help me deliver some mail. You any good with maps? I could always use a navigator," Ditzy grinned.

"You'd like me to come with you?"

"Unless you're busy or you don't wanna," she said, looking dejected, "I'm sorry. It was a dumb suggestion. I just... don't have much time to spare and I thought maybe this way we could... be together a little more."

"No! Not at all. That's a wonderful idea. I'd love that!" I blurted out. Me. Immortal Princess of the sun. Delivering mail. How fun! But what does this mean? Something like a first date? Or am I thinking too deeply about this?

"Really? For real? I mean... you'd actually wanna do that with me? 'Cos I don't want you to feel like I'm forcing you to do this. Not everypony enjoys wandering around Equestria as much as I do."

Her forcing me to do this. Ha! How cute.

"Raven! Come out. I know you're still there."

Raven stepped backed into the throne room wearing a sheepish grin.

"I certainly wasn't eavesdropping, your Majesty."

"Yes, I certainly hope you weren't," I gave her a knowing wink, "I'm going to need you to do the following: reschedule my meeting with Fancy Pants to this evening over dinner, tell Spitfire to speak with Ms. Harshwhinny about the bid, she's staying in the palace guest room. Tell Spiral I'll have the schedules sent to him by tomorrow. And tell Blueblood to go jump in a lake."

"Is your Majesty going out?"

"Yes. I think I'm going to try being a mailmare for a day."

Part Two, Chapter Four: History and Baggage

"Good morning, Mr Mayflower. And how are you this fine day?" I said with palpable levels of cheer.

"P-p-princess Celestia! Your Majesty! I... this is such an honour! What would bring you to a humble place like mine?" replied Mr Mayflower of 22 Strawberry Lane.

"I'm here to deliver your mail." I smiled sweetly.

The colour drained from his face, which was really impressive considering that the pegasus' had white fur. His eyes widened and he stared around wildly, desperately searching for some sign that he was dreaming.

"Let me see... one copy of Rustler Magazine," I said, pulling out the magazine from the saddlebag that Ditzy used to carry the mail. A young looking mare in a rather compromising position was displayed on the front page.

"I-I-I read it f-f-for the articles, your Majesty, I assure you," he stammered, snatching the magazine and flinging it back into his house, well out of sight.

"One issue of Playmare..."

"They have... they have a... a crossword section I like... I'm a big crossword puzzler..."

"One copy of Too Hot To Trot..."

The colour had returned to the pegasus stallion's face. And the colour was red. Bright red. Like a living tomato. Mayflower looked like he was on the verge of bursting into flame from shear embarrassment.

"One issue of ... Pegasluts Magazine... quite the crossword puzzler, hmm?"

Mayflower made a strangled noise in the back of his throat.

"It... it sounds like a really sleazy thing but really it's all... satirical and not really..."

"Buckin' Bill's Buckin' Dirty Magazine now with twice the clop... remarkably straightforward title... I wonder if his real name is Buckin' Bill or if it's a pseudonym... what do you think?"

Mayflower made no comment because he was too busy hyperventilating, he had to lean on his door in order to stand upright.

"And finally... Iron Will's Tight Booty Workouts... nice to see somepony promoting exercise and healthy eating. Planning on working up a sweat later?"

Mayflower whimpered in a miserable noncommittal way.

"Well that seems to be everything," I smiled, "Enjoy your... crosswords, Mr Mayflower."

I turned to walk away but then paused, "Oh goodness me! I almost forgot to give you your copy of Whips and Bridles."

~~~

"Celestia, are you ever gonna stop laughing?" asked Ditzy worriedly, "Maybe you should go see a doctor."

"The look on his face!" I gasped, between fits of giggles. It had been agony keeping a straight face while talking to Mr Mayflower of 22 Strawberry Lane. After I saw what we were to deliver him I couldn't help but ask Ditzy to let me knock on his door rather than just pushing them through his letterbox.

The two of us were drifting though the clean spring air together. Despite my many years of flying experience it was difficult to soar elegantly while laughing uncontrollably. More difficult still to keep up with Ditzy. She didn't fly fast but she flew with such a natural flow. Keenly attuned to even the slightest changes in the air channels. Even if the breeze did occasionally send her spiralling dangerously close to the treetops as we passed overhead. It was like trying to keep up with a petal drifting in the wind. Or... a bubble. Fragility, freedom and joy. Her cutie mark. I wonder if it was too soon to ask...?

"Mayflower. Ha! I'll remember that name. You know, most pegasi with flowers in their names can trace their ancestry back to Viola Pansy, the same Private Pansy you may know from the tale of Hearth's Warming Eve. Her and her family were the first flower themed pegasi to settle in Equestria," I said, as we soared together.

"Did ya know the Private Pansy from the stories?" asked the grey pegasus, leaning into a sudden gust and twisting off course. No wonder she got lost so easily. I quickly caught up to her and gently guided her back on track.

"I did. I knew all of the founders, grim and ornery group that they were," I felt a sudden stab of insecurity, "Does it bother you that I'm so... old?"

"What? No way! But sometimes I do wonder a little..."

Oh, no. Please don't say she thinks of me as some strange eccentric old mare. I like to think of myself as more in touch with the times than Luna but perhaps I do seem like an old fogey to the outside observer.

"Doesn't it get lonely?"

I glanced at her out of the corner of my eye. That question hit very close to home. How effectively could she see through my facade?

"Dinky read me a story, one time, about a stallion who made a wish on a magic ring that he could live forever but in the end all his friends and family got old and ... you know... and then he was all alone and it was really sad. And sometimes I get worried that maybe it's like that with you and I feel really bad and wanna give ya a big hug. Are you lonely?" She was slightly ahead of me so I couldn't see the expression on her face but even through the buffeting of the wind in my ears I could hear her sincerity.

"There have been good times and there have been bad times. Many of my dearest friends have faded to little more than black stains on the tapestry of history. But coping with grief is part of life. Time heals all wounds and I have so, so much time. Time to make new friends, teach new students and begin afresh. I never grow tired of them. They think their lives so insignificant but, in truth, each and every one of them has made their mark on me. And I have not forgotten a single one of them. Not one lover, soldier or servant. I remember them all so clearly. Perhaps in another thousand years I will look back on Mr Mayflower and laugh," I chuckled gently at this then took a deep breath, "But yes. Yes, I do get lonely sometimes. So I think that GAAAAH!"

Ditzy had slammed into me. I assumed it was accidental at first until I felt her arms wrap around me and squeeze. She buried her face in my billowing mane. The tips of our outstretched wings touched. Our eyes met.

"Don't be lonely, 'kay? Being lonely is like the worst thing a pony can feel. If you feel lonely, come see me and I'll make ya feel better."

Ah. That hit me hard. I felt my lip tremble and a lump form in my throat. Her innocence was almost painful to me. I held her closer as Equestria whizzed by beneath us. A moment of tenderness while hurtling through the sky.

"Th-thank you. I can't tell you how much that means to - Look out!"

We barrel-rolled out of the way of a tall tree that we had been on a collision course with.

"Maybe hold off on the cuddling till we're safely on the ground," I said, a little shakily.

"I think we're coming up to the next delivery anyway! Shall we knock on their door as well?"

"Yes, let's pay them a royal visit."

Part Two, Chapter Five: Love and Fury

"And there we go," Ditzy popped the last letter through the letter box of number eleven of Spruce Avenue, Phillydeplhia, "That's the last one! How're we doing for time?"

The sun had already started to set, drenching the cityscape in gold and stretching our shadows out long across the street.

"Five minutes to six," four and a half minutes to be precise. One of the advantages of being responsible for the sunrise and sunset was that I always knew the exact time.

"Oh, no!" Ditzy fluttered her wings in panic, "How far are we from Ponyville? I have to get home to Dinky!"

"Well... we're several hundred miles from Ponyville..." I'm probably responsible for her lateness in more ways than one. I must have stopped her in her route a dozen or more times so I could tease various individuals along the way.

"Oh, no! Oh, no no no!" Ditzy trotted several small frantic circles around me, "What am I gonna do? Dinky's gonna be so mad! Do you think you could stop the sun from setting? Maybe Dinky won't notice how late it is if the sun doesn't set."

"I could... but the results would be disastrous..."

"Yeah, I really shouldn't lie to Dinky. She'd see through it anyway," said Ditzy, mournfully. That wasn't exactly what I meant. But as usual, it warmed my heart to see that being honest with her foal meant more to her than the wide scale ecological consequences of halting the motion of an enormous celestial body.

"Don't worry your pretty little head about it," I smiled, "Just close your eyes and I will take care of everything."

"You... you will?" When I nodded Ditzy squeezed her eyes shut and stood ramrod still.

I drew myself up to my full height. Power coursed through me, once again. Teleportation could be a finicky and difficult magic even at short ranges. And its difficulty increases exponentially when you do not have line of sight with your desired end location. But I once teleported and entire battalion nearly a hundred miles into enemy territory. I could easily get one little pegasus back to her daughter.

My magic sparked off. The world around us blurred and flickered and then with a dazzling flash of light we were standing outside of Ditzy's cottage in Ponyville.

Ditzy was still had her eyes scrunched shut and her nose wrinkled, unaware that we had arrived and completely defenceless. I felt a stirring in my chest. Time to begin. Time to stop being cowardly. Time to retake the offensive.

I swallowed hard. My mouth felt so dry. Remember who you are! I am Princess Celestia. Dawnbringer. Heir to the throne of heaven. I have faced armies and monsters and triumphed with ease. I can claim this one mare. My heart felt like it was about to burst out of my chest.

I leaned closer to her. Our lips mere inches apart. Do I dare?

No. Not yet.

I pressed my lips to her forehead. Kissing her as gently as a butterfly alighting on a leaf. But letting my lips linger just a little longer than might have been considered platonic. Giving her the tiniest taste of my warmth before withdrawing.

Ditzy had opened her eyes now and was blushing. She touched the spot where I kissed her with one hoof. Her ears flat against her head.

"Just a thank you for a wonderful day. Now go on. Dinky's waiting. We will see each other again soon," I could not wait for her to respond, instead I turned and walked away. Keeping my regal demeanour and not simply pouncing on her was taking too great a toll on me.

There have been knights who have fought and died for what you just received. But I have so much more I wish to offer you. If only I could just find the courage.

~~~

I awoke the next morning as I had every morning. Just as the first rays of the sun broke the horizon. I yawned and stretched. Yesterday had been truly special. At least it had been until I had returned to the castle to find all the work that had piled up in my absence. Thankfully, a good portion of the paperwork on my desk had turned out to be nothing more than letters from Blueblood complaining about... oh, who knows what. I didn't dignify him with my attention any more.

"Your Majesty? May I come in?"

"Yes, by all means," Raven nervously entered the room, she had a carefully folded newspaper telekinetically hovering next to her. She looked unusually ruffled. Perhaps my dulcet and melodic voice could put her at ease. I assumed my most glowing demeanour, "Good morning, dear Raven. Is everything alright?"

"Um... your Majesty there has been a bit of a... press scandal... as it were... nothing too serious... just a local paper but... I thought that maybe you should take a look..." Raven offered me the newspaper, it trembled in the air due to her shaky nerves.

I took it from her and opened it up. Foal Free Press. Never heard of it. From Ponyville perhaps? I thought that the Ponyville Express was the leading newspaper for...

PRINCESS AND THE PAUPER: PRINCESS CELESTIA CAUGHT PUTTING THE MOVES ON DERPY TOWN MAILMARE.

Gabby Gums snooped the scoop of the century this week when she spotted the Princess of all Equestria kissing our town's clumsiest pony (Pictured above). Sources close to Ditzy Doo say that the two are spending an unusually large amount of time together. Could the Princess really have fallen for such an enormous clutz? Read more on page 6 and find out how...

I didn't read any more. I couldn't. The newspaper had burst into flame.

"Y-y-your M-m-majesty?" stuttered Raven, "It was j-j-just a local paper so not too m-m-many ponies will have seen how-"

She trailed off. I don't think, in the twenty odd years of being my assistant, that Raven had ever seen me truly angry. An ascended alicorn's fury is something that can strike terror into even the bravest of ponies.

The sun had assumed a reddish tint now and the room had begun to tremble as waves of my power rippled outward.

I slowly rose to my hooves.

"They dare," I hissed. As waves of heat wafted off my body Raven beat a hasty retreat, cowering in the doorway as I rose and stepped out of bed, my hooves leaving scorch marks on the carpet

The glass of water on my bedside table had started to boil.

"THEY DARE!" The glass burst into pieces, it would have soaked the carpet if the water had not evaporated mid air, "Who is this Gabby Gums?"

"W-w-we don't know. It's a pseudonym. Th-th-there's nopony by that n-n-name on record that we-"

"Then who is responsible?" I boomed.

"Your M-m-majesty I-"

"GIVE ME A NAME!" My voice at full volume could reduce even Luna's to a whisper by comparison. Raven had to crouch low by the door and hunker down in order to not be bowled backwards.

"D-D-Diamond Tiara is the editor! Sh-sh-she must have been the one who okay-ed this as a front page article," she squeaked, her voice almost swallowed by the rising winds that swept up around me.

"I have been too lenient of late!" my horn burned as brightly as the sun, filling the bedroom with its glare, "Too desperate to be liked. Too unwilling to be strict. And now they have forgotten. Forgotten who I am. Forgotten why they owe their allegiance to me. They would mock my beloved openly? Derpy? Is that what they call her? This is unacceptable. UNNACCEPTABLE!" Every stained glass window in the room shattered at that, punctuating my cry.

"I AM THE CREATOR'S WILL MADE MANIFEST! IT WAS MY SACRIFICES THAT DRAGGED US FROM AN AGE OF CARNAGE AND BLOODSHED TO AN AGE OF PEACE AND TRANQUILITY! IT WAS MY LIGHT THAT GUIDED THEM THROUGH THE DARKNESS! THEY MAY SAY WHAT THEY WISH ABOUT ME BUT I SHALL NOT LET THEM MOCK THOSE I DEEM WORTHY OF MY AFFECTION! I SHALL MAKE AN EXAMPLE OF THIS DIAMOND TIARA! A WARNING TO ALL WHO FORGET THEIR PLACE!"

I leapt from the now open window. Swooping down and soaring on wings of fire out across the open plains towards Ponyville. Nothing can stop me. Nothing alive can withstand my wrath. Diamond Tiara! Whosoever you may be! I am coming for you!

Author's Note

Sorry it's been so long since the last chapter. I ran out of inspiration and it's really hard to get motivated to write. But I'm gonna try release a bit more regularly.
I'm linking this story to the timeline by tying it in with the episode: Ponyville Confidential. Don't think this warrants an alternate universe tag I think.

Interlude: Young Love

"No! I won't let you quit!" Diamond Tiara slammed her hoof down on the desk. The four of them, her and the three blank flanks, were facing off in the printing room of the Foal Free Press. Shady Daze was seated in the corner, quietly doing repairs on the school printing press, but he did occasionally sneak a subtle glance at the argument raging between the CMC and the current editor-in-chief

"But the gossip that Gabby Gums writes is hurtin' ponies feelings," cried Applebloom.

"Feelings?" Diamond Tiara leapt off the editor's chair and strode menacingly towards the Cutie Mark Crusaders, "You think I care about feelings? Gabby Gums in my bread and butter and I am not going to let you three goody two shoes make me give it up!"

"But everypony in town hates us now! They'll never let us write another gossip column about them and-" Scootaloo protested but she was cut off when the editor-in-chief of the Foal Free Press prodded her aggressively in the chest.

"We don't need their permission! You three blank flanks had better write another Gabby Gums column or else!" the pink pony stamped her hoof.

"Or... or else what?" asked Sweetie Belle, defiantly.

Diamond Tiara laughed wickedly, "Or else I will publish an article telling everypony in town that I cried myself to sleep last night because Lickety Split called me ugly!"

Diamond Tiara grinned triumphantly. Then, as her own words slowly sunk in, her smile faded. What had she just said?

The CMC blinked at her in surprise.

"Why would we care if you published an article like that?" asked a rather confused looking Apple Bloom.

Diamond Tiara cleared her throat, "What I meant so say was that if you don't write another Gabby Gums article then I will tell everypony in town that I can't get to sleep at night without my safety blanket!"

Diamond Tiara stared at the foals in front of her in horror. It happened again! She had meant to blackmail the blank flanks with the embarrassing photos Featherweight had taken of them. But every time she tried to say it, some other words slipped out. Some... embarrassingly true words.

"Write the Gabby Gums article or I'll tell everypony that I still pee the bed!" Diamond Tiara gasped and stuffed a hoof into her own mouth to silence herself.

The three fillies giggled, "Well, geez Diamond Tiara. Don't let us stop you," laughed Scootaloo.

"Go right ahead! Publish away!" grinned Sweetie Belle.

Diamond Tiara was fuming. It was high time she put these blank flanks in their proper place. She took her hoof out of her mouth and drew a deep breath in preparation to really let them have it.

"If you three don't write another Gabby Gums article then I'll tell everypony that I have a crush on Apple Bloom! And sometimes I stand behind her when Miss Cheerilee makes us line up for class just so I can smell her mane!" yelled Diamond Tiara at full volume.

A crushing silence fell over the Foal Free Press Printing Room. Even Shady Daze, who had been pretending not to eavesdrop while tinkering with the printing press, put down what he was doing and turned to stare at Diamond Tiara.

The editor-in-chief's face had gone from pink to bright red. She gritted her teeth and stared wildly around. The photos! The embarrassing photos! She had to tell them that unless they did what she asked she'd print embarrassing photos of them!

"The photos!" she cried, sweating profusely, "I have a photo of Apple Bloom which I keep in the secret box under my bed and I've kissed that photo so many times that it's gotten all wrinkled and warped!"

Her eyes welled up with tears. It wouldn't stop. It refused to stop. The secrets just kept gushing out of her. Her face was burning hot. Her ears were on fire. Apple Bloom was staring right at her but she couldn't stop.

"I told Silver Spoon that I liked Apple Bloom but she thought I was joking and laughed about it! I signed on to be editor for this newspaper because I knew Apple Bloom was going to write for it and I wanted an excuse to be nearer to her! I always follow you three around at lunch time and tease you because I want to be near her but don't have the courage to say how I truly feel! Sometimes I hug and kiss my pillow and pretend its her!" Diamond Tiara started to run, tripping over her own hooves and stumbling out the door. The CMC stood in silence for a long moment.

"That. Was. Weird." said Sweetie Belle, glancing at her two friends.

"No kidding," Scootaloo replied, "Are... are you okay Apple Bloom?"

"Yeah... w-w-wah would'n' Ah be?" The earth ponies cheeks were as pink as her namesake, "Just... just a lot of stuff startin' to make sense to me now."

"Are you... blushing?" Sweetie Belle asked.

"No!" Apple Bloom turned and walked away, making efforts to hide her face from her friends, "C'mon y'all! We still gotta go 'pologize to everypony in town for writing those nasty things!"

The other two followed her reluctantly

As the door closed behind them I finally allowed myself to exhale. I let the invisibility magic slowly slip away from my form: allowing myself to become visible once more. It had been a real struggle not to giggle a little at the scene that I had just witnessed. Serves her right, the little brat. Spilling other ponies secrets for all the world to see. Let's see how she likes it! A little truth magic will have her babbling her own innermost thoughts to every pony she encounters for the rest of the afternoon. Ha! That's what she gets for dishonouring my beloved. As for the other three I think I will let them go without retribution. Remorse and repentance always did blunt my anger and I am sure that their consciences have punished them enough already.

When I learned that the ponies who had stung me so were merely foals I realized that... perhaps I had overreacted a little. Or a lot. So instead of banishing anypony I merely engaged in a little revenge scheme, turning myself invisible and infiltrating this school to play a bit of a prank. I wonder why I felt I needed to be so melodramatic. Newspapers had openly criticized me before and I had never behaved as I just did. It was her. Ditzy Doo. Because it was her being insulted that I- oh.

Shady Daze, the name displayed on the name tag affixed to the young colt sitting on the corner working on the printing press, was staring at me. I had allowed myself to become visible again...

"You saw nothing. I was never here," I said, sternly.

He nodded hurriedly.

Right. Time to get back to the castle.

Author's Note

Haha, I kinda wanna do a sequel that's just based on continuing this one chapter.
Thanks to Bowow for chatting with me about ideas for the story.

Part Three, Chapter One: Blood in the Water

Dear Princess Celestia

You are a stupid, dumb, lying jerk and I hate you. You said that you would only make me share my mom with you one time: "just this once" was what you said exactly. And now there's pictures of you kissing my mom in the newspapers and ponies were laughing about it at my school. And I know it's your fault she came home late two nights ago. I've told my mom that she needs to stay away from you because you're a bad influence. If I see you hanging around my house again I'll kick you in the shins. You're a lying, fat loser and you have a big butt. I hope a bird poops on your head.

Sincerely yours,
Dinky Doo

PS. Please turn over page.

I flipped over the piece of paper and glanced at the other side. On it was a crayon drawing of me with a bird defecating on my head. Perfect. Just perfect. How could things get any worse?

"Y-y-your Majesty? Prince Blueblood requests an audience..." Ah. The universe answers my rhetorical question once again. Raven was timidly keeping her distance from me, calling from across the throne room. She had been giving me a wide berth since yesterday. She must simply have assumed that I reduced Diamond Tiara to a smouldering pile of ash.

Brilliant. Now they think that they have an actual reason to fear me. More grovelling. More begging. More loneliness.

"Send him in," I could use a verbal punching bag and Blueblood was a nice soft target for me to channel my frustrations at. I sighed and placed Dinky's letter next to Twilight's most recent one on the arm of my throne.

Prince Blueblood, Prince is his first name as confusing as that is, was technically a Duke. Part of the ancient 'Blood' family line. His grandfather was General Blackblood, a much touted tactician who so skilfully put down the Gryphon Rebellions half a century ago, and his father was Duke Redblood, a stallion whose skill with the lance was matched only by his fiery temper. Blueblood, however, was an imbecile who spent most of his time wasting his inheritance on frivolous nonsense, flirting with shallow Canterlot mares and whining.

He sauntered in like he owned the palace, turning up his nose at the black stain on the throne room floor where the melted remains of the front door had once lain.

"Auntie," I must have told him not to call me that a million times, "Why wasn't I invited to the Stalliongrad Delegates Dinner? You knew I wanted to go..." his whinging seemed to have been carefully adjusted to just the right frequency to give me a headache.

"I didn't invite you because time and time again you have shown me that you are not to be trusted. The Czar's daughter was with us and I'm told that he's looking for suitors for her..." Blueblood's ears perked up, "And I will not, and I'm going to say this twice because I know that most of what I say passes clean through the empty space between your ears, NOT under any circumstances have them even considering you as a candidate."

Blueblood sniffed, "You seem to be in a bad mood, Auntie," it was worsening with each passing second, "Well, I know just what will cheer you up... I bought a new carriage! The dual arched V7 model that I told you about when we last met! You should come see it! I parked it on the royal lawns out front!"

Blueblood often had difficulty telling the difference between things that made him feel better and things that would potentially make other ponies feel better. Empathy was never a strong point for members of the unicorn aristocracy.

"Um... am I interrupting? Miss Raven said I could come right in..."

I gasped so sharply I inhaled some of my own saliva and was forced to engage in a painful coughing fit that was most unladylike.

"D-D- Ditzy!"

The grey pegasus was looking a little flushed, peeking into the throne room cautiously.

"Um... the... the boss said it was okay for me to... deliver the mail to you instead of Penny because... because... we were in the newspaper... together...," Ditzy flushed a little deeper and shuffled her hooves.

Blueblood raised an eyebrow.

Say something. Say something, you pratt. I dare you. I dare you to say something mean to my Ditzy. Come on. Give me the excuse I need to start picking on you. The last pony who made fun of Ditzy sorely regretted it and I didn't have a whole twenty years to let my resentment of Diamond Tiara come to a boil like I did with you Blueblood. Go ahead, make my day.

"Ah Milady, welcome to Canterlot!" Blueblood swept over to her and took her hoof, pressing his lips to it. I felt my hackles rise, "Such beauty! Truly mine eyes have never partaken of such majesty!"

Ditzy laughed nervously and walked past Blueblood, ignoring him completely.

"Um... I brought you your mail..." she seemed oddly stiff. Had she somehow learned about my vengeful campaign against the editor-in-chief of the Foal Free Press? Or was it something else? "You must really like Mr Breezy's Fan Shop... you've ordered like six of his sales catalogues..." My get-lots-of-mail-from-Ponyville-in-order-to-see-more-Ditzy plan finally paid off.

"Yes... I'm... quite the fan... of his wares..."

Awkward. Things had never been awkward between me and Ditzy. Why now?

"Um... I have other mail to deliver so... um... I'll see you..." she turned and fluttered hurriedly right out the door she came in through. With not so much as a backwards glance. I felt my stomach sink. That was it? Did I say something wrong? Was it the terrible pun? She left in such a hurry... not willing to waste any more of her time with me?

I turned my irritation back to Blueblood.

"And what exactly are you looking so smug about?" I asked, scornfully.

"Oh, nothing. This is the way my face always looks," he was right. It was.

"Strange to see you being such a... gentlecolt. I don't think I've ever see you be so polite to a commoner," I said, leaning on my hoof and glaring down at him from the throne.

"I'm hardly foalish enough to be rude to the Princess' new squeeze," he laughed.

"W-w-what? How did you- How did- How many ponies were reading that small town foal's newspaper?" I spluttered.

Blueblood flicked his mane coquettishly, "Newspaper? Ha! I don't need to see it in black and white when it's right in front of me. Even a blind pony could tell you two were on the brink of something crazy," his eyebrow was waggling infuriatingly, "How many foals does she have?"

"Just one... wait, what? How did you know that she..."

"Oh, I can tell. I can always tell. The mouth may lie but the hips never do," his eyebrow was making me queasy, "You've been playing the game for quite a while haven't you? You know the quickest way to a young mother's heart, right?"

I drew myself up to my full height, "I am the Princess of all Equestria! And you shall not speak to me in such a way! But... let's say... hypothetically... that I don't..."

"The foal, Auntie. The key is the foal. Young mothers melt like butter if they see you being nice to their kids. Ha! This one time I met a young single mother at a downtown charity ball that had the kind of flank that most mares can only dream about and-"

"Blueblood!"

"Right, right. Well, best of luck with your new fling Auntie. I've got to hit the road. I'm going to take my new chariot for a spin," I swallowed the involuntary bile that always flooded into my mouth when I talked with Blueblood for an extended period of time.

"Where are you going?"

"To Stalliongrad, of course," he threw a wink my way that made my skin crawl.

Blueblood was an unbearable creep and yet... maybe...

I glanced down at Dinky's letter on the arm of my throne. Maybe it was high time I paid young Dinky a visit.

Author's Note

Urgh, writers block. This chapter took forever to write and I still feel like it's kinda weak and all over the place. I need to take some time to think about where I want this story to go.

Part Three, Chapter Two: What could possibly go wrong?

"You're taking advice from whom, exactly?"

"Blueblood."

Luna turned up her nose and snorted loudly, "I have no recollection of such a pony."

"Blond-maned snob, high society type?" I tried.

"You'll have to be more specific," Luna was lying sprawled on her couch, picking idly through a bowl of chocolates as I nervously paced in front of her.

"He passed a rude comment about your flank at the Gala last year," I ventured.

"More specific," Luna waved her hoof vaguely in my direction.

"You threw him into the castle moat and he cried like a filly," Luna glanced at me with a look of momentary recollection which faded fairly rapidly.

"More specific," she said, popping a chocolate into her mouth.

"Exactly how many ponies have you thrown in the moat?" I was still a little on edge. The day had been spent planning the budget for the Equestria Games opening ceremony and pining for Ditzy. This place had never felt so suffocating until I had tasted a true breath of fresh air.

"I jest, dear sister. Yes, I recall the blackguard. Pompous fellow. I cannot help but wish you had come to me for advice!" Luna rolled onto her side and idly stretched her wings. This was her pre-night watch routine. Dark chocolate and plenty of lolling around.

"Well?"

"Take her by force. Sweep in, fire blazing, and carry her off into the sunset. If she objects then slip her some tongue to keep her quiet," Luna laughed haughtily but I knew, this time, she wasn't joking.

"Luna... things don't really work like that anymore... as I said before..."

"Ah, that would explain why that young mare was so alarmed the other night..." sometimes I wondered what sorts of adventures my sister go up to when I wasn't there to keep her in check, "Be more aggressive 'Tia! You and I have crushed armies beneath our hooves! A few weeks ago we were battling an elder dragon and now you're dilly-dallying over some mare! Ludicrous!"

"I still like Blueblood's plan better. I can't imagine what my subjects would think of me if I barged into ponies homes and carried of young mothers slung over my shoulder," I giggled.

Luna pouted, "No worse than they would think of you if you reduced some newspaper peddler to ash for publishing an embarrassing photo of you."

Ah. So that's the rumour that's been going around. Well, if even Luna has heard of it then everypony in court must know. It would explain why my subjects have been even more cautious of me than usual.

"Now you of all ponies should know that I would never do something like that!"

Luna giggled and then hopped off the couch. It was high time she gathered the guards and set off for the night patrol.

"Sometimes I wish you would. One cannot help but think that part of the reason our subordinates are so timid around you is that they are never entirely sure what you are capable off. Perhaps knowing that their fears were founded in reality might bring them some small comfort. Mortals are always more frightened of the unknown," Luna casually stretched her legs and trotted over to her bedroom window, "So how will you earn your beloved's filly's favour? Stun her with your regal charms? Perhaps she will awaken to find a mountain of toys outside her bedroom window?"

"Dinky Doo is a... difficult case. She's proven rather resistant to my 'regal charms' as you put it and I have a strong suspicion that bribery would backfire on me," I frowned, a plan had begun to form in the darker recesses of my mind, "They key to our more powerful adversaries has always been gathering intelligence before attempting direct confrontation. I need to run a scouting operation first. Test the waters..."

"So cast an invisibility spell and follow her around," Luna sounded like she was growing bored of the conversation. She probably still didn't fully understand why I didn't just storm in and take Ditzy by force.

"There's only so much I can learn as an outside observer... No... I need to go deeper. Luna, I'm going to cast an anti-aging spell!"

"On the filly?" said Luna, sounding alarmed, "You'd turn her back into a babe? Why?"

"No, I'll cast an anti-aging spell on myself. And a spell to change my mane colour and hide my wings. I'll disguise myself as a normal everyday filly and infiltrate Dinky's circle of friends. Find out her likes, dislikes and penchants and then use them to win her over to my side," I grinned wickedly. An ingenious plan, if I do say so myself. The same strategy Chrysalis uses against me, time and time again.

Luna laughed loudly enough to shake the floorboards, "You would disguise yourself as a normal filly? How fun! You must show me the end result! Kibitz gave me a marvellous new invention with which to capture images permanently for later viewing. A photographical device! I wish to take some pictures of your adorable fillyness! I will frame them and hang them on my wall. Perhaps Twilight would appreciate some pictures as well" she teased, tail wagging like a puppy at dinner time.

"Yes, well... maybe" I harrumphed, "But this mission will mean I need to spend the entire day neglecting my Princess duty. I have been doing that a rather worrying number of times in recent days and the paperwork has started to pile up. I will need you to take over in my absence."

Luna's face fell, "But sister," she whined, "Paperwork is booooooring."

"Do you want the pictures or not?" I snapped. Luna moaned and groaned for a minute but ultimately relented. I wasn't sure which she was more excited about. Me as a filly or having something legitimately interesting to photograph. Modern technology was a source of constant amusement for my somewhat anachronistic sister.

"Age reversal spells can only work on you and I for a short while though, sister. You will have to move quickly," Luna was unable to mask her excitement as she talked while rummaging around in her chest, hunting for the camera that Kibitz gave her.

"Yes, yes, I know," I said, hurriedly, "It will not take nearly that long. It's a simple mission. What could possibly go wrong?"

Author's Note

If you don't know who Kibitz is... maybe you should read the comics more. He's in the Luna one. He's an old guy who handles the Princess' schedule.
Also hooray! I broke through my writing block and came up with an interesting idea for a plot... albeit not the most original one but still... yay!

Part Three, Chapter Three: In with all the cool cats

Part Three, Chapter Three: In with all the cool cats

"Well, it seems we have a new student joining us for today," said Cheerilee, looking more than a little nonplussed. She eyed me suspiciously, doubtless wondering what kind of friends I had in high places in order to get the letter of transfer with the royal seal I had presented to her earlier that same day, "From Canterlot! Class please give a warm welcome to... uh... what did you say your name was again, dear?"

"Sun Beam, but please call me Sunny. All my friends do," I put on my sweetest grin.

I'd damn near had to fight my way out of the castle this morning. Luna had been abusing her temporary size advantage to carry me around, cuddle me, pose me on my throne and take embarrassingly large quantities of photographs. Her recompense for taking care of my paperwork, I suppose.

The spell, or more accurately 'spells' as there were several layers to my disguise enchantments, had worked perfectly. Age magic was notoriously difficult but I had pulled it off without a hitch. My body had been shrunk back to that of a mere filly without any side effects, even my mane and tail had returned to the rose pink hue that they had sported during the days of my youth. The second layer of glamour had been to hide my wings, a conspicuous indicant of alicornhood that would be very difficult to explain. I had decided to leave my horn as pretending to be a unicorn might prove to be a useful conversation starter with the young Dinky. It had, however, had to be shrunk. My horn has always been abnormally long, even before I became an alicorn those many years ago. The final layer of enchantments was to temporarily alter my cutie mark. This was surprisingly, surprising to those inexperienced in such magics at least, almost as difficult as the age reversal spell itself. Cutie marks are notoriously resistant to any form of alteration, magical or even physical. I chose to have my flank appear blank. Dinky had yet to achieve her own cutie mark and anything in common might serve to help me ingratiate myself.

I smiled warmly at my new fellow classmates. Oh, and hello again Diamond Tiara.

"Just what we need! Another blank flank in our class!" sneered the pink and purple filly.

What was that, Diamond Tiara? You want me to cast a truth spell on you again? Why of course! It would be my pleasure.

"Sunny will be joining us as a guest student for the day," said Cheerilee as she cast a stern glance at the class bully, "Go have a seat next to Shady Daze in the corner there."

I recognized the young colt and, for a moment, I feared he may have recognised me as well. Shady gave me a curious stare. I reciprocated with an innocent eyelid flutter and he eventually relented, turning back to listen as Cheerilee began teaching.

Dinky was seated in the back of the class, leaning on her hoof. She looked bored and I would come to sympathize with her. Not that Cheerilee wasn't doing her best, mind you. But sitting in on a class for foals was less than intellectually stimulating for a two thousand year old alicorn. I breathed an audible sigh of relief when it finally concluded and recess began.

"Howdy! Uh... Sunny, was it?"asked the small red-maned filly who trotted over to me, followed by two others. I recognised her immediately. The sister of one of the elements of harmony. One third of Gabby Gums, "Mah name's Apple Bloom and these here are mah friends Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo and we're..."

She trotted a few steps backwards to join her friends while drawing a deep breath.

"The Cutie Mark Crusaders!" two of them bellowed.

"The Cutie Mark Crusaders!" cried the third one, about one second out of synch with the other two.

"Dang it, Scootaloo! Ah said to count to three in yer head and then we'd all say it all at the same time," said a rather frustrated Applebloom.

"I did! Wait... when you say count to three do you mean that we should count: One, two, three and then go or do you mean we should count: One, two and then go on three?" asked Scootaloo, looking genuinely confused.

"I think you should go on three... and never come back," Diamond Tiara shoved her way past the other two and strode before me, "Are you lame-kins trying to recruit another blank flank to join your ranks? How pathetic! But you should probably join them! You're so lame that you'd fit in perfectly with these three!" she sniggered.

"I'm sorry. I wasn't listening. What did you just say to me?" I said, my voice dripping with faux sweetness.

"I said: I wasn't able to concentrate on class because I was too busy thinking about Apple Bloom and I'm only acting this way because I'm extremely insecure because I think she knows I like her!" the smile faded from Diamond Tiara's face, "No... no! No! Silver Spoon! Call the nurse! It's happening again!" Diamond Tiara took off at a canter, desperately fleeing the classroom with her silver-maned friend in tow.

"Yeah... don't worry about DT... she's a little weird in the head," muttered Apple Bloom as she feigned disinterest in Diamonds plight, "So, how about it? Wanna help us crusade for our cutie marks?"

Speaking as somepony who has fought in actual crusades against actual crusaders I'm not sure I can co-sign on the name of this little club.

"How about that pony over there? She doesn't seem to have a cutie mark either. Is she a part of your club?" I nodded in Dinky's direction. Time to get this intel gathering mission under way.

"Dinky Doo? We did invite her to join..." said Sweetie Belle, "But she can be a little... prickly," the filly shuffled her hooves and averted her eyes.

Dinky stomped off and settled in the corner to read a book on her own. A bit of a loner then. Odd. She seemed fairly talkative during the time we two had spent together. Maybe a bit too willing to speak her mind, perhaps?

"Prickly? What do you mean?"

"Uh... well... her mom is a little... different to other ponies. And some of the foals here... mostly Diamond Tiara and some others... they make fun of her for it. I guess it's kinda like when you fall asleep in the sun and get a sunburn on your belly and then if even like the lightest blade of grass touches your belly then it hurts like crazy-" began Scootaloo.

"Hyper-sensitive!" interjected Sweetie Belle excitedly.

"Super hyper-sensitive," sighed Scootaloo, "She's kinda hard to be friends with because of that. Also we may have kinda, sorta put an embarrassing photo of her mom in the newspaper so the CMC are not exactly in her good books at the moment."

Diamond Tiara, again. I should have done something meaner to her this time. Maybe magically glue her rump to her stool for a few hours... or turn her hair into seaweed for a day. Later. I've got to stay focused on the mission.

"I think I'd like to talk with her. Please excuse me," they watched me as I walked over to Dinky. I couldn't help but feel a little nervous.

And rightly so. Dinky had proven that she could detect inauthenticity from a mile away. But today I had come prepared. I had asked Luna to do some research on how all the cool and hip young Equestrian ponies talk. Now with the fruits of her labours I would easily impress this young filly and become her new friend. This was going to be a piece of cake.

"Yo, yo, yo, hip diggetty diamond dawg, what's popping in the kitchen?" I asked Dinky as I approached, grinning broadly, "How's it hanging in coolsville, yo? Got any cool, funky dance moves in the hizzouse?"

Nailed it.

Author's Note

Awww yeah, play that funky music white maaaaaaare~

Part Three, Chapter Four: Equestria's Premier Friendship Expert Applies Her Art

Ha! And they say I'm out of touch with the younger generation. I can pop it and lock it with the all the snazzy cool cats.

Wait... why is she laughing?

According to Luna she's supposed to give me a flank bump in recognition of my hipness. Still... laughter is good... I think. It is one of the Elements of Harmony after all.

"I can't breathe... I can't breathe," wheezed Dinky in between fits of giggles.

"Yo, don't be tripping, I ain't no flossy foo'. Me and my whoadies are... um...no chickenheads... you diggity? I mean... you dig?" I slowly trailed off. This was not going as I expected. Dinky was laughing so hard she looked like she was about to lose consciousness.

"Stop... please ... argh," struggled the young filly before bursting into another bout of guffaws. Other ponies in the class were starting to stare.

Maybe Luna was not the best choice to do research on foal speak. I should have asked Raven or maybe eavesdropped on some of the young unicorns at the academy. Why is it my plans to court Ditzy always seem to fall apart in the most obvious ways? It's as if when I think about her my millennia of experience just goes flying out the window. Well, if I've said it once I've said it a hundred times: Being a Princess is about making even your mistakes appear intentional.

"Uh... yes... my little joke," I laughed nervously.

"You can't do that kind of thing the first time you meet somepony," Dinky wiped the tears from her eyes, "I laughed so hard I nearly gave myself a heart attack. You're one funny pony... uh..."

"Sun Beam, but you can call me Sunny!" I offered my hoof, tentatively. Ponies do still bump hooves, don't they? I breathed a sigh of relief when Dinky responded in kind, "I'm only in Ponyville for one day but I was wondering if you'd like to..."

Chillax? Get jiggy with it? Bounce with some homies round the block? No, I think I need to abandon the script that Luna prepared for me. I've been getting letters from Twilight about friendship for well over a year now. Time to show that I'm qualified to be her instructor in such matters and to make myself a new friend.

"H-h-hang out?" I tried.

Dinky narrowed her eyes, "You wanna hang out with me? Why? You don't even know me..." she glared at me, suddenly bristling with suspicion.

Damn. I moved in too soon. Now I have to think fast. What information do I have? Think. Find common ground. Dinky is picked on because of her mom. Dinky hates phonies. Dinky is a unicorn. Dinky has not yet acquired her cutie mark. Dinky dislikes the CMC.

"I guess I'm just more used to spending time with other unicorns since I've lived in Canterlot for so long. Other unicorns that aren't... like that," I nodded at the Cutie Mark Crusaders who had seemingly forgotten about their attempt to recruit me. They had produced what looked like capes from their desk and were prancing around the classroom, clearly excited about some new crusade.

"They're not all that bad..." Dinky reluctantly admitted, "I just... thought they were different from the others until they published those photos of my mom and..."

"Your mom?" Dinky shot a stabbing glare at me. I just stepped on a landmine. I have to play innocent. Can't let her know I know anything about Ditzy. Could this be a useful backdoor into her life?

"My mom is different to other ponies. In a good way, even if some of the jerks in this class don't understand that!" said Dinky, fuming with sudden indignation.

"You're talking about that Diamond Tiara?" I asked.

"Yeah, she's the worst of them. Her and her stupid friend. She always knows just how to get under my skin. I saw you talking to her earlier. What did you say to her to make her run off like that?" Dinky had put down the book she had been reading and was wholly focused on me. This was going well, I could feel it. Just a few more careful pushes and I'll be able to start gathering insider information.

"I told her that that I'd only known her for a few seconds and already I could tell that she's an empty, callous shell of a pony who takes out her many, many insecurities on those around her... and that I hoped a bird pooped on her head... what kind of a special talent is owning a diamond tiara anyway? If she loses it does she lose her talent as well? What a total... phoney!" Dinky nodded sagely as I spoke.

"Took the words right out of my mouth," she grinned. She didn't know how right she was.

"So... I've gotta spend the whole day in Ponyville... wanna give me a tour of the town? Unless you're busy or something," think Celestia. Think. Common ground, "I'm at a magical academy back in Canterlot. Maybe I could teach you some spells?"

Dinky perked up, "For real? You will? That's awesome! I've been trying to learn from books but it's really difficult. Even like stuff that the book says is supposed to be easy, like telekinesis, is really tough. My mom knows nothing about magic."

Excellent. Whether she's an aspiring magic user or simply a filly interested in mastering the use of her horn. That could be an easy way for me to connect with her... as Celestia and as Sunny. Half breeds always have difficulty mustering up even basic magical skills but there are several simple steps one can take to teach them energy conservation techniques that can extend and enhance their capabilities. I haven't been running a magical academy for the past hundred years for my own entertainment. I brought out the full potential of thousands of young students over the years. That could prove to be bond between myself and the young Dinky which in turn would be a bond between myself and Ditzy. This was going just as planned. Now I need a little more information to repair the damage of my rather hasty advances on her mother.

"Sure, we can hang out for a bit after school, if you want," said Dinky as she glanced up to see that Cheerilee had returned with a cup of coffee, "Aww, is recess over already?"

"Back to your seats, everypony!" called a cheery Cheerilee.

"I'll see ya after school," I whispered as I trotted back to my assigned desk.

"Um... Miss Cheerilee? I think Diamond Tiara is sick... or something... may we be excused?" asked the silvery coloured filly, Diamond Tiara's only friend I presume, she was standing next to a very frazzled looking Diamond Tiara.

"Is that true? Are you feeling unwell?" asked their teacher, sounding concerned.

"I w-w-want to kiss Apple Bloom on the m-m-mouth," whined the rather ruined looking pink filly.

Cheerilee stared at the two of them for a long moment, "Uh... yes... be a dear and take her to see Nurse Redheart, Silver Spoon."

I settled in my desk.

Looks like everything is going according to plan.

Author's Note

I realized as I finished writing this chapter, that this story has a rather worryingly low amount of Ditzy for a ship that's supposed to be about her. I'm gonna start correcting that immediately.
Also I'm going to add a comedy tag to the story because apparently some people think this story is pretty funny (which came as a pleasant surprise to me)

Part Three, Chapter Five: Gathering Intel

Name: Dinky Doo

Age: 10

Birthday: 142 days from now. Too distant to be of any use, at present, but worth diarising.

Occupation: Elementary School Student

Place of residence: Equestria, Ponyville, 10 Stirrup Street.

Breed: Unicorn, mixed parentage.

Bloodlines: Dinky belongs to the D. Doo naming scheme, a relatively common lineage among pegasi probably traceable back to Dastardly Doo, one of Cloudsdale's Founding Fathers.

Latent Magical Ability: Weak but with potential for specialization. Still mastering basic telekinetic manipulation.

Cutie Mark: None.

Talents: Detecting lies, interested in magic but with no natural ability for it, idolizes Wonderbolts but this is common in many foals. Interrogation?

Notes on personality (Positive Traits): Thoughtful, very mature for her age, strong moral compass, compassionate, quick to forgive, well read, intelligent, vocal, passionate.

Notes on personality (Negative Traits): Defensive, confrontational, distrustful, impatient, hypersensitive, aggressive (verbally not physically), irritable, lonely. Restlessness may be genetic, many foals with pegasi parents born without wings feel a yearning to fly but are unable to. This can produce rebellious and fidgety behaviour patterns prior to reaching maturity.

Favourite food: Blueberry Muffins.

Desired items: Madame Magnificorum's Magical Handbook: Tips and Tricks for Beginners Part 2 (Book, currently unavailable at Golden Oaks Library), Flareblitz's Junior Wizard's Hat (Celebrity merchandise, mentioned by Dinky only briefly), Wonderbolt Memorabilia (Preferably signed.)

Warning: Bribery inadvisable. Dinky has a firm ethical backbone and is deeply suspicious of gifts offered without due cause.

Sore points: Teasing about Mother. Absent Father. Friendlessness. Avoid these topics in conversation.

I cleared my throat, "Hey, Dinkie? If you had a genie that could grant you three wishes what would you wish for?" I asked.

Dinky glanced at me over her shoulder and shrugged, "Billion more wishes," she said, sounding deeply indifferent.

We were walking together across the town square, the clock tower showing the time to be nearly five in the evening. We had enjoyed a milkshake after what had been a lengthy but productive session of myself teaching the young filly magic, gently slipping personal questions into the lessons to glean what information I could. Still another hour of youthful appearance left. Plenty of time for a few more questions before I return to the throne.

"If you weren't able to wish for more wishes then what would you wish for?" I tried, cautiously. Dinky tended to pounce on me if I asked questions that were too personal so I had had to adopt a more subtle approach.

"Then I'd wish that I could wish for more wishes with the first wish and then wish for more wishes with the second wish," she replied curtly.

I swallowed my frustrations, "Yeah... but if you weren't allowed to do that kind of thing..."

"Wish for more genies then. There's gotta be a way to get more wishes. Maybe wish for the ability to control minds and then mind control the genie into giving you more wishes. Hmmm..." Dinky pondered the puzzle as she walked.

I added 'Good problem solving skills' to my mental list of her positive personality traits and added 'Philosopher' and 'Detective' to my list of possible future Dinky Doo Cutie Marks. If I could help her get her Cutie Mark then I'd be in her good-books permanently. But only if I could do it as Princess Celestia and not as Sunny, the friendly transfer student who would permanently vanish by this evening.

"Okay, so you get yourself a billion wishes. What would you spend your first wish on?" I asked, trotting to catch up to her. She was a few inches taller than I had been at her age, which means that she's taller than me now.

"I want my mom to have more free time. I mean I know she loves her job so I wouldn't want her to stop working entirely. Just not such long hours, I guess," Dinky trailed off. A relationship with me would cut even deeper into Ditzy's free time. This could be harder on Dinky than I had previously thought.

I added 'selfless' to the personality traits list and then contemplated the implications of her answer. She didn't wish for more friends. Did that mean she'd rather earn her friends the hard way or that she's simply unwilling to open up to me about her loneliness? I don't for a second believe that her friendless school life is of no concern to her. She got very annoyed with me when I asked her if she had any other friends. Would I earn her affections or her scorn if I managed to get her some new friends? How would I even go about doing that?

"Here we are, Sunny," said Dinky, coming to an abrupt halt in front of Ditzy's cottage, "This is my house. Do you wanna come in for a bit?"

I glanced nervously at the clock tower, not entirely necessary as I already knew the exact time. I still had some time to spare. As long as I excused myself in a hurry.

"Yeah, that would be snazzy-doodle, dawg," Dinky laughed at my reply. Luna's urban youth research, although hopelessly inaccurate, continued to provide me with some useful jokes to earn the young filly's favour.

"Okay but you gotta promise me one thing: If my Mom is back then you absolutely can't laugh at her. Not even a giggle. If you laugh I will kick you so hard in the shins you won't even know what happened," growled Dinky. She could be very intimidating when she needed to be.

Why was she so paranoid about this? Why did the bullies insults cut her so deeply? Had she and her mother switched roles in some way, leading her to be over protective? Surely not. Ditzy was not an incompetent mother and they hadn't seemed to have that kind of child-becomes-parent dynamic when I had spent time with the two of them. Then what? Was she so overprotective of her mother because her father had... abandoned them?

"Cross my heart and hope to die," I'd never dream of laughing at her. At either of them. Dinky narrowed her eyes and glared at me for a solid few seconds. Then, finally she acquiesced and opened the front door. I followed her inside.

I missed this place. Even though I have only been inside it once the cottage had found a warm place in my heart. Ditzy was in the kitchen, trying and failing to peel an apple. Her previous three attempts were lying strewn across the plate in various stages of ruin.

"Welcome back! I was... oh..." she dropped her peeler the moment she laid eyes on me. For a moment my heart sunk. Surely she couldn't have recognised me... "Oh my goodness! Dinky, did you bring a friend home with you? Wow! It's been so long!" Ditzy was wagging her tail jovially.

It seems that her daughter's friendlessness had not past her by unnoticed. She looked relieved to see that Dinky had finally brought somepony home to play. A shame that I wouldn't be staying long. Truly a shame.

"It hasn't been that long!" huffed Dinky, glancing angrily at me to make sure I wasn't so much as smirking about her mother's strabismus.

"A pleasure to meet you Miss Doo," I said, sweetly.

Ditzy leapt forward and swept me up in her arms, "Welcome to our home! Are you a friend of Dinky's?" her excitement was palpable.

"Mom! Don't embarrass me, okay?" groaned Dinky as I reluctantly attempted to free myself from Ditzy's embrace.

Suddenly, and without warning, Ditzy's smile faded. She leaned closer to me. Sniffing my mane. I felt pins and needles run down my neck as her gaze met mine. How could this be possible? How could she possibly have...? How did... how does she...? It can't be that she...

She knows.

Author's Note

Sorry I took so long to update. I'll post another chapter tomorow, promise.

Meanwhile, another cliffhanger. Dum dum duuuuum.

Part Three, Chapter Six: All Comes Crashing Down

"Celestia?"

I kicked free of her grasp and landed on the kitchen floor, stumbling backwards.

"Celestia."

I stared around wildly, "N-n-no? Y-y-you mean the Princess? W-w-where? What?" all the moisture seemed to have left my mouth.

"It is you, isn't it?" Ditzy stepped pointedly forward. Her gaze unfaltering, "Why do you look like that?"

"It's not... I have no idea what you mean..." I could taste the milkshake I drank earlier fighting its way up my throat. I swallowed the nausea. Still another hour of youth left. Just make some excuse and leave. It was a mistake to have come here.

"Don't lie to me!" Ditzy snapped. I'd never heard her angry before. I'd never even imagined it. It felt so... wrong, "Tell me the truth. That is you, isn't it?"

I couldn't shake my head. Neither could I nod. I was paralysed. Caught red-hooved. I should have known. Like mother like daughter. Dinky must have gotten her masterful skill at detecting deceptiveness from somewhere. Had Ditzy seen through me from the start?

"There isn't a pony in all of Equestria who smells the way that you do. I'd recognise that smell anywhere. It's not like anything else. What are you doing here?" Ditzy didn't raise her voice but I couldn't shake the feeling of dread, "Why are you disguised as a filly? Why were you hanging around my child? Why have you come into my house disguised as somepony else?"

"I..." I glanced at Dinky. She had a stunned kind of 'I-knew-there-was-something-suspicious-going-on-but-this!' look on her face.

There were no words. No excuses I could offer. I was hanging around your kid in hopes that I could use her to leverage my way into a relationship with you? Would I be better off not saying a word? Does she think I'm some kind of pervert? Oh please... oh please, no. Anything but that. I have to lie. I have to think of something convincing to weasel my way out of this.

"I know that it's you. I was just at the castle in Canterlot. I got back a few minutes ago. You weren't there, Did you use magic to make yourself look like that? Why?" Ditzy's voice was usually a little husky but this was a threatening tone I had not heard before.

Never get between an Ursa Major and her cub. Never mess with an Ursa Minor at all because if the mother discovers you near her baby... not even the gates of Tartarus could protect you from her wrath.

Say something. Say something! Anything! Think of an excuse! Something she'd believe. You're on a secret mission to protect Dinky from an evil spell. You're scouting for young unicorns with potential to join your magical academy for gifted young unicorns. You wanted to surprise her! You wanted to get an insider's perspective on the Equestrian School System to see if the teachers were up to snuff. Any excuse. Lie to her! Lie to her! Say something to salvage it!

I opened my mouth but the words refused to come. I'd lied in front of crowds of thousands. I'd lied to torturers, inquisitors, generals, ambassadors and scores of lovers over the course of two millennia. Why couldn't I lie now? Why can't I find the words to diffuse this? To fix it?

"I think you'd better leave. Now," I felt a wave of relief wash over me. Anything to get out of here. Just leave. Just let me leave. But... what about... us?

I didn't have long to contemplate this. Ditzy picked me up by the scruff of my neck and carried me briskly out the kitchen, through the living room and out the front door. Dropping me on the doorstep.

I peered fearfully over my shoulder at her. A scared little filly both inside and out.

"Tell me," said Ditzy, glaring down at me, "I've been delivering pamphlets and newspapers from Ponyville to you for the past two days. Did you order all that stuff to be delivered to the castle just because you wanted to lure me over to Canterlot?"

I paused for a long moment. Unable to raise my eyes to look at her. Eventually I nodded.

"So you would have had me fly all the way over there every day, interrupting my work and my delivery schedule, wasting hours of my time, making me get home late, even though you knew how easy it is for me to get lost in big cities, just because you felt like you wanted to see me?" she hissed. I felt guilt pierce me like a hundred arrows.

"I...I never meant to..." I am pathetic. I hate myself. So... so much.

"I'll cancel your subscriptions to the local paper and your requests for Mr Breezy's pamphlets then... since you didn't actually care about them to begin with," Ditzy turned and walked back inside, "I think it's better if we don't talk to each other again."

The door slammed in my face. She didn't even... look back.

I dragged myself to my hooves. I felt... gutted. I don't think I've ever been so ashamed. All my schemes unravelled around me.

The door creaked open again. I snapped rigidly upright as Dinky walked out.

"Hey, Princess? I forgot something important," she said, "I did promise that I would do this in my letter to you and I usually keep my promises."

She turned around and bucked me in the shin as hard as she could. Pain coursed through me. I'd forgotten that it was possible for me to feel pain in my youthful state. It was a welcome relief from the agony inside me, to be honest. I crumpled into a heap once more. Dinky hopped back up the steps, slipped into the cottage and slammed the door a second time.

I heard her say, "I told you she was a bad influence..." as she walked away from the door. The rest was too muffled to make out. Was Ditzy crying? I didn't wait around to find out.

Nothing else eventful happened to me during the long trudge back to the castle.

Nothing. Except that a bird defecated on my head as I walked back through the gates of Canterlot.

Author's Note

~~The End~~

Just kidding haha. See you all tomorrow for another chapter to begin picking up the pieces.

End of Arc One: Renascentia

"We were decided as the opening act months ago! You can't just do this to us. We're the Wonderbolts!" shouted Spitfire.

"You can't compete in the games and be part of the opening ceremony! The rulebook says that no member of the staff may compete in the Equestria Games proper. And do not presume to tell me what I can and can't do! I am the assigned Games Inspector and I will decide who has the right to be in the opening ceremony!" snapped Ms. Harshwhinny, equal parts bitterness and self-righteousness.

"Be silent."

"We had to cancel our other gigs in order to be there to do the ceremony! This is how we make our living! You can't tell us we need to come and do a show and then have us cancel at the last minute!" Spitfire stamped her hoof on the Throne Room floor.

"It's not at the last minute! The Games are not for another few months! And rules are rules. No member of the staff may participate in the games themselves!" Harshwhinney was not giving an inch. She puffed out her chest and stepped forward to face the Wonderbolts captain.

"Be silent."

"We're not a member of the staff! We're part of the opening ceremony! That rule is to protect against objectivity being compromised: like if the adjudicator decides that he wants to compete and then adjudicates in favour of himself or something like that! We're not gonna cheat by being competitors and being in the opening ceremony! If anything we'll be at a disadvantage 'cos we'll be tired after the ceremony!" Spitfire growled.

"Miss Spitfire you have been utterly unco-operative about this since day one. One minor change to the schedule and you fly completely off the handle. And no, the rule does not specifically have to do with objectivity! It also has to do with cases where-"

"BE SILENT! I AM TRYING TO THINK!"

My voice shut them both up. The echoes resounded throughout the castle. I rose from my throne. Shooting a stabbing glare at both of them as I stepped menacingly down the stairs that lead up to the raised platform on which my throne sat.

Raven was cringing behind a nearby pillar. She had warned the two of them that I was in a bad mood. They had ignored her at their own peril.

The gears of my mind turned as I glared stormily down at them.

The solution was obvious, wasn't it?

Ditzy was a forgiving and understanding mare. All I need do is write her a letter, to show I respect her desire not to speak to me, and say that I only did what I did because Dinky sent me hate-mail and I felt that the best way to patch things up with her was to get to know her a little better.

No.

I need to admit that what I did was dishonest. I need to promise that I won't expose her to any more of my crazy schemes.

No.

I need to swear that I will never do anything like that again. She will come back to me. I can tell when somepony cares deeply about another and I know she cares about me.

No.

I need to apologize. That's all. Apologize.

"NO! I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE! I HATE APOLOGIZING! I HATE BEING APOLOGIZED TO! I HATE EVERY STUPID, SELF-DEPRICATING SECOND OF IT!" I roared as spider web cracks spread across the stained glass windows of the throne room from the sheer force of my magical potential resonating throughout the castle.

"Oh! Was it an inconvenience for her to journey out of her way to see me at the palace every day? Was that too much to ask? Too much trouble?" I snarled as I stalked my way around the trembling duo.

"I FOUNDED THE DAMN EQUESTRIAN POSTAL SERVICE! SHE WOULDN'T HAVE A JOB IF IT WASN'T FOR ME! IN FACT, THERE WOULDN'T BE AN EQUESTRIA AT ALL IF IT WASN'T FOR ME!" Guards burst into the throne room, weapons drawn, ready for battle.

"Your Majesty? Is something wrong? We heard shouting! Is the castle under attack?" cried the Captain of the second battalion.

"SHUT UP! THERE WOULDN'T BE A CASTLE IF IT WASN'T FOR ME!" I bellowed, "Do you have any idea? Do any of you have even the smallest inkling of how much I sacrificed for this nation?"

Every pony in the throne room stared blankly back at me.

"I bled for you. I bled for each and every one of you. And I forced others to bleed for you too. A million rough stallions marched their way through a thousand bloody battles into muddy and shallow graves for us to have gotten this far. And I lead them every step of the way. I brought every tribespony from the Frozen North to the Blistering South to found this land under the banner of unity. My banner! And when each greedy politician, warmongering general or fearful aristocrat refused to accept peace then I brought them war unimaginable. I waded knee deep through gore and carnage the likes of which you cannot imagine. And for what? To be snubbed by some mailmare and her cub? NO! I did it so that each and every citizen could live in a wondrous utopia. Free from war, from bloodshed, from chaos," I ascended the steps to the throne and turned to face the gawping mass that now crowded the throne room.

"I threw my own dear sister to the wolves so that you could all bask in the sun! And what do I get in return? Snivelling, whining, begging at every misstep. Not a single friendly word, or a hoof on my shoulder when I'm feeling down. Not a single 'Celestia, you're looking beautiful today' or 'Have you been feeling okay?'. And I decide that just this once, heaven forbid, maybe I'd like to take some time off with a nice young mare. Enjoy a bit of R&R, be a little selfish just this once. A kiss on the cheek, a gentle cuddle, that's all I wanted! Some small affection," I drew a sharp and bitter tasting breath, "And she has the audacity to turn me down. Me! I deserve to have whichever mare I so please!"

Silence fell over the small crowd as my voice resounded through the hall. My face felt unbelievably hot. I was on the brink of crying but I forced back the tears through strength of will.

"She doesn't like the scheming? My strategies for romance? She thinks I'm too calculating for her tastes? Well, her tastes be damned! I raise the sun! I clung to this throne for a thousand years by out scheming even the sneakiest of adversaries. Deception is a part of who I am. It would be a waste of time for me to lie to her and say that I was going to be more honest, more straightforward and less under-hooved. Because I have no intention of changing who I am! She will love me for me!"

The time had come for my verdict. Time to throw off the suffocating bonds of Princesshood and pursue that breath of fresh air that I needed so badly. Time to take what I rightfully deserve.

To outdo an adversary this perceptive and alert to deception I would have to come up with a plan so diabolical, so cunning, so devious that even Dastardly Doo himself would splutter and gasp. I am an ends-justify-the-means kind of Princess. Always have been. I did terrible things to craft this nation but now that it has risen it is a place of harmony and joy. When Ditzy understands that my coldest and darkest plans always bring forth light and warmth then and only then she will be mine.

"Raven?"

"Yes!" squeaked the timid unicorn as she stepped forward.

"I name you acting Princess in my stead. Do as you see fit but know that you will endure my wrath upon my return if you abuse your new position," I unceremoniously removed my own crown and plonked it on Raven's trembling head, "I bid the rest of you farewell. I will be gone for some time. I have a mare to conquer."