Princess Celestia's Personal Critic

Day 0

Royal Canterlot Palace

Dear Mom and Dad,

Thanks so freaking MUCH for sending me here! Instead of enjoying my life, I can now be completely bored out of my mind while guards ask me if I want buttered toast or something.

Seriously, what the hell were you thinking? I know I was leeching off you guys, and making every excuse not to get a job, but, did you really have to send me here to be Celestia’s bitch? Do you even know what I have to do here? I have to freaking travel all over Equestria giving “reviews” on the shitty places she sends me to!

Ugh, well don’t worry guys; I’m going to tell her EXACTLY how I feel about this job.

Once again, it doesn't help that this place is fucking BORING. No one will even say a single word to me; unless I ask about books or something. They claim that they are too busy with their “royal duties,” which in turn translates to “I need to wank off in the bathroom”.

Even IF I could get someone to really talk to me, I can’t fucking understand them, either because their accent is to damn strong, or the shit they spew out makes as much sense as a hippo riding a dinosaur in outer space.

I’m being dead serious, just today I asked “Princess” Celestia where the hell the Marmite was because this place is too damn big and I can’t find ANYTHING, and this was the response I got.

‘If you let the kindness into your heart, you will always find a way’.

What the hell? I’m sorry, I don’t speak hieroglyphics, don’t give me that cryptic bullshit.

As for the rest of the ponies here, there isn't really anyone else except the guards, and WOW, I mean WOW, they are complete losers. It is a HUGE sausage fest, there is not a SINGLE mare in the whole legion! So either they wank off constantly, have “fun times” with Celestia and Luna, or they are all Fruity as fuck.

This palace also has the WEIRDEST freaking design I have ever seen, it has like these weird ass yellow cone things on the top of the pillars surrounding the place. It looks like I’m in Nights of Saddle fucking Arabia.

I sure hope my pay is good, or else I might have to slap a filly.

Sincerely

“The Super Awesome Critic”

P.S: Why couldn't you have gotten me a job at like a casino or something, at least there I could rig the games in my favor and steal all their money.