Princess Celestia's Personal Critic

by Sky Dance

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, Comedy
Length: 1166

Celestia needed a critic, and I am the chosen one

Celestia needed a critic, and I was the chosen one.

So, I guess that means, when she's not writing letters to a certain spoiled unicorn, or getting her flank kicked by an over sized pony transformer, she's sending ME all over Equestria to do stupid "reviews" that give her insight on what the hay is going on in her kingdom.

I can only promise to tell her EXACTLY what I think of each place.

Rated T for Tubular

Takes place before Alicorn Twilight Sparkle

Cover image courtesy of Google Images and terrible Photoshop skills.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-11 19:30:07 UTC

Royal Canterlot Palace

Day 0

Royal Canterlot Palace

Dear Mom and Dad,

Thanks so freaking MUCH for sending me here! Instead of enjoying my life, I can now be completely bored out of my mind while guards ask me if I want buttered toast or something.

Seriously, what the hell were you thinking? I know I was leeching off you guys, and making every excuse not to get a job, but, did you really have to send me here to be Celestia’s bitch? Do you even know what I have to do here? I have to freaking travel all over Equestria giving “reviews” on the shitty places she sends me to!

Ugh, well don’t worry guys; I’m going to tell her EXACTLY how I feel about this job.

Once again, it doesn't help that this place is fucking BORING. No one will even say a single word to me; unless I ask about books or something. They claim that they are too busy with their “royal duties,” which in turn translates to “I need to wank off in the bathroom”.

Even IF I could get someone to really talk to me, I can’t fucking understand them, either because their accent is to damn strong, or the shit they spew out makes as much sense as a hippo riding a dinosaur in outer space.

I’m being dead serious, just today I asked “Princess” Celestia where the hell the Marmite was because this place is too damn big and I can’t find ANYTHING, and this was the response I got.

‘If you let the kindness into your heart, you will always find a way’.

What the hell? I’m sorry, I don’t speak hieroglyphics, don’t give me that cryptic bullshit.

As for the rest of the ponies here, there isn't really anyone else except the guards, and WOW, I mean WOW, they are complete losers. It is a HUGE sausage fest, there is not a SINGLE mare in the whole legion! So either they wank off constantly, have “fun times” with Celestia and Luna, or they are all Fruity as fuck.

This palace also has the WEIRDEST freaking design I have ever seen, it has like these weird ass yellow cone things on the top of the pillars surrounding the place. It looks like I’m in Nights of Saddle fucking Arabia.

I sure hope my pay is good, or else I might have to slap a filly.

Sincerely

“The Super Awesome Critic”

P.S: Why couldn't you have gotten me a job at like a casino or something, at least there I could rig the games in my favor and steal all their money.

Canterlot

Day 1

Canterlot

Dear Princess Celestia,

Really? You could have just looked out the window and seen that everything was hunky dory down here, but nooooooooo, you had to get me to do all your dirty work while you get “special services” from some of the stupid guards.

Alright, let’s just cut to the chase, Canterlot blows rock hard wee wee.

First of all, were you high when you thought it would be a good idea to situate the damn place on the side of a freaking MOUNTAIN? I would LOVE to hear the planning that went into THAT decision.

‘This is incredibly inconvenient, incredibly dangerous, and just all around a stupid idea, but it’s okay, because I have MAGIC!’

It doesn't help that this place is fucking TINY; I could get from your palace to the train station in like three minutes! Also, you can’t even walk two feet without running into some asshole, because there is one street that has a MILLION shops on BOTH sides. It’s more crowded than The Gentlecolts Club on a friday night!

And don’t get me STARTED on the ponies in this forsaken place, they all walk like they have a stick up their ass, and have their snouts pointed to the sky for goodness knows why…I’d better get extra points for making THAT rhyme.

Oh and did I mention they are all royal douchebags. I swear, I just tried to buy a coffee from freaking Starbuckers and damn cashier wouldn't give me one because I looked like a “hoodlum”. Like, what the hell? Last time I checked I was giving you MY bits. It doesn't matter though; I didn't want your Coco Moco Loco Latte Shit Sundae anyways.

The only thing that determines your status here, is if you have the latest watch or bow tie or if you curled your mane or some shit. Otherwise, you’re just cast as another degenerate that spends all his time getting drunk at the local bar.

Speaking of the bar, that’s the best damn place here! You can actually TALK to someone without having them judge you like you’re the spawn of Discord! I think I will go there after I’m done with this shitty letter.

By the way, thanks for the Grand Galloping Gala tickets, I can now safely say that it is the WORST thing ever. Oh, I must be mistaken; I thought I was going to a PARTY not a god damn soap opera! All anyone did was gossip, oh, did you hear about Summer Flower’s latest miscarriage? How about the fact that Sprinkle Shine does lines of cocaine in the schools washroom? Does it look like I give any fucks?

The answer is no, no I don’t.

Your music taste also seriously sucks donkey balls, I understand that you are like 1 bazillion years old but seriously get a DJ or SOMETHING, not this bullshit classical music that nearly made me fall asleep on the dance floor.

I heard a rumor that last year at the Grand Galloping Gala, six ponies completely destroyed the ballroom and nearly KILLED hundreds of ponies, and you just LAUGHED, saying that it “livened” things up! Well it wouldn't be very lively, if everyone was dead now would it? You sick fuck.

I guess I should mention the “Wonderbolts” show, you know it would be really cool… if I gave a shit. Honestly, watching ponies do loops n’ crap maybe interesting if you were a PEGASUS, but I really don’t care. It's pointlessly dangerous in my eyes.

I think the pony beside me was dropped on his head when he was younger, because I’m pretty sure he's not well, oh, and his screaming gave me an aneurysm.

Okay, I have to wrap this shit up, in conclusion Canterlot is a shit hole, the ponies here are fucking idiots, the entertainment is more boring than watching plants grow, and the consumerism that controls this place is literally worse than Discord. All in all, you should be ashamed of yourself for creating this stupid image that everyone here thinks they need to follow.

Now, I think I’ll grab a beer and try to figure out what the hell went wrong in my life.

Sincerely,

Your pissed off critic

P.S: There are too many unicorns here, and they are all racist twats.