Crack Clopfiction: Celestia becomes a toaster and other interesting things.

by CosmicAfro

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia, Sex
Length: 3453

Princess Celestia has discovered how to become objects and uses this power for shenanigans. Expect such marvelous pairings as Luna X kitchen toaster and more!

When you’re as old as Celestia is, finding satisfying pleasure is a difficult task. And then one day, Celestia discovers a new side of pleasure she hadn’t found before and goes on a journey to maximize its potential. The best part is, her subjects won’t have a clue even when she's right under their noses.

A crack chronicle of pony x object stories. Enjoy the copious innuendo.

People who have helped:
DjNightmareNight (The one with no spaces in his name).

Published 2014-01-10 03:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-22 01:49:56 UTC

Prologue: Luna X kitchen toaster. "Things get Toasty."

Things get Toasty

A prologue by Cosmic Afro.
View Discretion is something you should do if you're afraid of innuendos or have Oikophobia.

There were some things in life that Luna questioned often: taxes, mythology, when the next court session would be held, and… Celestia. Celestia, even as a sister, was a being that could have her own college class about her. Her ideals, her history, her sense of humor, and her leadership were all things to be studied rigorously; her senses of pleasure would be a textbook all on their own. And tonight on the table in front of her began the latest chapter.

It was quite clear that the object on the round, wooden table was her sister. The metallic facings were chrome colors of her ethereal mane and the four rubber stubs at the bottom had golden decorations on them. The chord was white, coiled, and the end dangled near a wall plug. It didn’t have eyes, but the knobs on the front were the color of her pupils. That, and it began to talk to her through the three openings at the top.

“Ahh, Luna! I’m glad you received my summons to my chamber.” The toaster did not move, yet the voice carried Celestia’s tone.

Luna jabbed the contraption on top. “I was wondering why it was a bit… singed when I received it. Are-” she shook her head in disbelief. “Have you become a toaster?”

The toaster… nodded. “Yes.”

The younger sister asked the question on the forefront of her mind. “Why? And, why?” she stressed a second time. She began to channel magic through her horn to undo what was surely an accident, but her sister yelled at her.

“No, stop! I have achieved something fantastic by doing this.”

Powering down her surge, Luna cocked her head. “Pray tell, what? Simple transformation magics are nothing new to the magical world.”

“Yes, but I feel everything!” Celestia wiggled the cord, something that should not happen in a simple transformation spell.
Luna took a step back, hesitant of this discovery. Her mind turned to a storm of questions and thoughts. Turning ponies into sentient objects, that kind of information could be incredibly valuable to the kingdom. Under the cover of night, ponies could hop cargo ships to foreign countries and become spies without a single being knowing that they were false. Such easy intelligence could surely benefit Equestria and put them back at the top of the game. It could be possible that not even changelings would be able to detect them so long as these objects could not feel emotion but could still move. It’d be a direct counter. “Incredible.”

“It feels so amazing, Luna. Turn me on!”

Her face dropped. “What?”

“Just turn my knob on the first slot.”

Luna walked back and rested a hoof on the knob. It currently pointed towards the number one. With a mixture of a furrowed brow and confusion, she twisted it to two. Her eyebrow was cocked when her sister moaned in pleasure at such a simple move. Out of morbid curiosity, she continued to three, then four, then five, each one eliciting a much more powerful moan of ecstasy from her sister. “You mean to say, you enjoy this?”

Luna twisted the second knob to three without stopping and Celestia shivered. “Ahh, yes! More, twist my knobs more!”

The night princess was glad she had closed her sister’s door behind her. If the guards could hear this nonsense, she was sure the rumors would be less than desirable. Though, the thought did cross her mind now. What exactly WAS she touching if her sister gained pleasure from this simple action? Was she molesting her sister without even knowing it?

But, her sister did crave a very unique sense of pleasure as a consequence of her lifespan. She would not deprive her search from her. Resolute, Luna rubbed her hooves together and began twisting all three knobs at random intervals.

“Ahh, oh Luna! Don’t stop doing that!”

Luna looked down into the toaster and saw the wiring beginning to heat up. A rhythm building up, she began twisting them systematically. First, the middle and right, then the middle and left, then the far ends.

One.

Five.

One.

Five.

One.

Five.

Tease on three. Jerk it to five. Luna was determined to mess with her sister’s knobs. The top of the toaster was beginning to smoke as well. Her sister’s cord was wiggling around a bit too, coiling and uncoiling to the beat. She levitated the cord’s end into the outlet and plugged her sister in.

“Oh-hooo Luna! I can feel the current rushing through me!”

Luna felt her stomach grumble and an odd idea entered her head. She summoned three slices of bread, white with no grain and held them in front of Celestia. “Shall I put these into you?”

Luna had no clear description as to how, but Celestia was begging for it to be done. Wordlessly, she slipped in the first slice into the right compartment.

“Ahh, yes! I feel so full in there!” The clamps on the side of that slot grabbed the bread with terrifying grip. The wiring in the side was already working on warming it up, probably beyond the three mark it currently rested on.

Messing with the knobs some more, Luna levitated some slack in the cord and began to sensually stroke it with the next bread slice. “Is this what you want? Do you want another slice of bread in you?”

“Oh, yes! So much!”

Wiggling it over her middle, Luna teased. “Tell me how much you want it.”

“Oh, please! I’m your dirty little toaster! Push it all the way down inside me! Break my clamps on the side! I just need your wheat in me!”

Luna dropped the bread in and quickly snatched it out, just before her sister could grab it. She continued this process again and again, watching with growing interest as her sister’s traps closed with such ferocity in front of her. Then, as commanded, she shoved the bread in. Luna’s mind vacillated between the moral implications of this.

“YES!”

But hearing her sister yell for more put those thoughts to rest.“Do you want me to fill all your holes? There’s one still begging for attention.” Luna wiggled the bread over it. The first piece of toast popped out with a heart singed into it. Luna waved her head from side to side. “No no, that piece isn’t ready. Hardly done.” She pushed it back in.

“AHHH. Please! Let me pop! Let me pop my slots and make a ding!”

Simultaneously, Luna twisted all the knobs to five, granting her sister immense pleasure. The toaster smoked in delight, but paid the price in having to wait longer for her to finish.

Without warning, Luna summoned not a slice of bread, but a bagel slice and shoved it in.

“Oh! It’s so big! It’s so big!”

Luna nodded and stroked her sister’s cord up and down. Then, her eyes caught something she missed before. The automatic raising button on the side that would lift all three slots at once. With a coy smile, Luna began twisting the far left knob.

“Ahh, Luna? What are you doing?”

“You’re going to reach that ding. Ready?”

The toaster whimpered. “I’m ready! It’s so warm inside me! I can’t take much more! I might short circuit!”

“On three.”

“Yes!”

“One.”

“AHHH!”

Luna grinned. Right as she said two, she lifted the lever and the slices of toast and the bagel flew out of her sister and into the air. With deftness and precision, Luna summoned a plate and caught them all on it. then, she summoned a tub of butter and slathered them. Shrugging, she took a bite as her sister slumped over and finally fell flat on its toaster siding, smoke fuming out of the top.

“Wh-wow.”

Luna grinned. “Not a single spec of char on the toast either. I could get used to cooking this way.” She levitated the plate towards Celestia. “Bagel?”

“I’d love one.” With a flash of magic, Celestia transformed back into herself and wiped the crumbs out of her hair. The two moved to her bed and sat together, silently eating toast.

It was such a wonderful evening. It bread many thoughts in Celestia’s mind for new adventures. “Say, Luna, have you ever heard of a washing machine?”

Author's Note

Feel free to suggest objects below. They can't be objects that are sexual, they should be common house hold items.

Live, Learn, Let go
~Cosmic Afro.

P.S. Anyone else really want some toast with white butter on it right now?

Chapter 1: Rarity x Washing Machine. "A Full Load."

A Full Load.
Chapter One by Cosmic Afro.
If you have Aquaphobia or Ablutophobia, please skip this chapter.

Rarity couldn’t believe her eyes. Princess Celestia, in a Pone Depot? Whatever could someone such as the princess be doing in a rugged, unclean location such as this? And why was she walking right towards her?

“Good morning, Rarity,” Celestia greeted nodding and smiling warmly as she always did. Her reflective glow and her hair bounced off of the sides of the appliances near-by, giving everything a spectacular aura. One assistant manager was already writing down on large notecards, “Touched by Princess Celestia herself,” for an advertisement ploy.

“Princess, what brings you to Pone Depot? I mean, it’s not that you can’t, but-“

She humbly giggled to herself, unintentionally silencing Rarity. “My house servants had complained about their old machines acting up. While I normally would send someone else to the task, I figured I would come in and surprise them myself.” She waited, staring at her with the raised eyebrows proclaiming, “So, why are you here?”

Rarity turned to the washing machine next to her. “Well, my old machine broke this morning. I don’t know how, but I simply must have forgotten and had some needles in a pocket. They pierced through much of the equipment.” She sighed and admitted, “and the thing was reaching its time anyways.”

“Since we’re both here, why not look for one together?” She leaned her head low and whispered into her ear, “Between you and me, if I get asked by another store clerk if I could use some help I just might give them a discount dungeon visit.”

They both chuckled for a bit until Rarity realized her companion just might have been serious on that offer. They moved on to the next appliance. A Khenmore model, top loader.

“What do you think of this one?” Celestia magically lifted the tag. “Not too expensive, decent features, far better than what they had before.”

Rarity observed the white facing and nodded her head. “It’s a fair model. It’s not as...” Rarity rolled her hoof in front of her, her mind reaching for a phrase she couldn’t quite find. “Well, some of the more expensive models have features perfect for delicate clothes.” Her eyes sparkled as they turned to the end row where the top-of-the-line machines rested. “Isn’t it wonderful?”

Princess Celestia read the price tag to herself. Oh my. Anti-vibration, washer-dryer combo, extra space, ventless, and front loading? This will surely suffice. I can only imagine how it’ll feel to have a huge load inside of me.

“Princess, are you alright? Is it too warm in here? Your face is bright red.”

She shook her head and returned to the tall-shelf reality that was Pone Depot. “Of course. Yes.” She waved down the assistant manager. “Yes, sir? I’ll take two of these.”

“Two, princess?” Rarity looked the tag once more and drooped a bit. “It’s two thousand bits a piece.”

She grinned. “Yes, one to be delivered to Canterlot Castle and the other to my friend’s address.”

Rarity’s heart leapt with joy as well did the rest of her body. “Princess, I simply couldn’t accept such a generous gift.”

“You’ve done many wonderful things for your friends and for me, surely you can accept this one gift from me.” That and I know you have a back-order of clothes that need washing. Oh, yes, an ultra-sized load just swirling inside me. Those needles were the perfect crime. And you’ll never even know about my next one.

“You’re blushing again, Princess.”

The Depot stallion wiped the sweat off of his brow. “Well, ma’am, it’s all installed. Thank yah for your kind patronage at Pone Depot.” He stood up on two legs, bent backwards and popped his spine into place. His unicorn assistant, a familiar shade of dark blue she couldn’t quite place, nodded with a tip of her hat that concealed all of her mane and left as well. Perhaps it is simply the style of Pone Depot employees, long manes could get somepony injured. They hopped into the back of their truck. They knocked on the side twice and the truck revved, slowly taking off.

Rarity stood next to the washer and sighed. “I still don’t feel quite right about accepting this. I simply must make something for her.” Her eyes drifted to the small mountain of clothes in the other room. “But first, I need to use this and get some work done.”

The moment Rarity turned around, Princess Celestia poked her head through the window. She fired a bolt of magic at the machine and felt herself become one with it instantaneously. With the best of her ability, she forced her coloring to the back of the machine so it would remain close to the same white it was in the store.

“Hmm.” The unicorn leaned down and eyed the machine while levitating a pile of clothes beside her. “You know, Princess Celestia has great taste. This machine’s color certainly brightens the room. It almost looks just like her.” She frowned. “I think I just compared our princess to a washing machine…”

She opened the door and began stuffing the clothes inside.

Yes, Rarity, yes. Feed your princess. Put it all in me, I want to feel full.

To Rarity’s surprise, even with the extra size load option, she simply had too much for one wash. She eyed the pile and smiled. “It does cut down on the amount of washes considerably though!”

Rarity pushed in the buttons on the top.

Oh yes, adjust me just how you like it.

The magic began. An unfamiliar sensation began to build up inside of the princess as water flowed into her. It was cold and refreshing, though slightly unpleasant. She felt herself sit there in the cold water’s embrace, cooling her down. Then, something inside of her switched. Something began to churn inside of her, rotating her. She did her best to suppress her moans of excitement as the clothes rubbed along her insides faster and faster.

The mechanisms for the anti-vibration kicked in and her entire body was vibrating in the cool water sensation. Then, bubbles from the soap. She didn’t see Rarity put in the soap, but the bubbles forming inside of her were simply becoming too much. It tickled her in all the right spots as the clothes circled inside of her.

The machine only increased in tempo until it reached its desired momentum. Not wanting to cause any suspicion, should Rarity return, she forced herself from the temptation of increasing the revolutions, no matter how much more she desired of it. The water, however, soon warmed. It wasn’t warm, but it wasn’t cool either. It stimulated her insides so much more as the clothes jiggled around inside.

“Ooh!” Celestia let a moan slip out and as a consequence, water spilled out as well, creating a rather large splashing noise. The princess returned to the cycle, desperately concealing her act. A small white cat walked up to her, delicately walking around the water, and scratched a claw on the front opener door.

“Opal!” her owner walked in and levitated her out of the room. “Ohh, she must have opened the door.” She levitated a mop out of the adjacent room and began to wipe it up. A tingling sensation ran through the princess, as if the water was connected to her somehow. Playing with her wetness below caused a small froth in the machine, a sight she desperately tried to hide behind the swirling mass inside of her. This only made her want it more.

Luna will be here soon. Oooh, hurry.

“Oh my, it seems to be rocking ever so slightly, I hope I didn’t put in too many.” She wiped up more of Celestia’s fluid and furrowed her brow. “if I broke such an expensive gift on the first day, I don’t know what I’d do with myself.”

Celestia couldn’t help it, a pile of bubbles worked its way to the front and the machine turned white on the inside. She startled Rarity, who hopped backwards and nearly slipped on the remaining water.

“Oh! Well, I do suppose this is the first time I’ve ever seen a machine work from the inside. It’s kind of hypnotic.”

Oh, now she’s watching me.

More and more bubbles washed over the clothes. Her inside felt absolutely coated and the water continued to rise in temperature. She was already coming close.

Rarity’s ears perked up as her door bell jingled. “Hello?” The voice was unfamiliar to her, but it was certainly a female customer. “Is there a Ms. Rarity in here? I’m from the Pone Depot.”

“Coming!”

I’m coming too!

“Whatever could they want?” she whispered to herself as she left the laundry room. She walked into the lobby and greeted the blue mare she saw before. “Oh, it’s you. Is there an issue?”

“I’m afraid so. We just got a call from the company and said they discovered a flaw in a few of their pre-“

A resounding boom followed by what surely must have been a tidal wave caused the two to jump.

“Well, that answers that.”

“My goodness!” They both ran back and saw the machine wide open and smoking. Rarity held a hoof to her mouth, suppressing her shock and despair. The soap seemed to form little white hearts, though maybe that was just her imagination acting up.

The unicorn mare tipped her hat once more. “You had a compromised model, I’m afraid. We’ve been working on checking these machines over the last few days and some of the got purchased before we could check ‘em. Bad management on our part.” She slowly shook her head. “Manager’s been out sick, assistant guy’s kind of a greedy commissar. You understand.”

“Oh my, I’m terribly sorry to hear that.” Rarity’s frightened eyes prompted her to continue.

“Don’t worry, miss. We’ve already got a replacement on board, checked and all. We’ll reinstall it right away, free of charge of course.” The unicorn zapped the machine almost effortlessly and it disappeared. She then tipped her hat once more and called in for her fellow employee.

“If only installation was that fast,” Rarity half joked.

“You and me both, Miss.” She politely coughed. “We’re sorry about your clothes.” She scanned the ground. “Want me to help you clean up this mess?”

“No, I can mop it up. Sooner you reinstall the washer, the better.”

“Very well.” The blue unicorn walked out, leaving Rarity and the Pone Depot employee to work for a moment as she hopped back into the truck and walked to the back. She giggled as a very wet and swirly maned Princess Celestia waved at her, hidden behind a pile of boxes from public view.

“So?”

“Amazing. Once the water heated up, I simply felt it all. If you had arrived any moment later-”

Luna smiled and readjusted her hat to keep her long mane from flowing out. She huffed. “I never could master returning this mane back to normal on its own. Keeps going back to its dead giveaway state. So, what’s next after this? I assume you’re far from done.”

Princess Celestia coiled and strained her hair. “Have you ever been a gaming controller?”

“No, I can’t say I have.”

The day princess raised her eyebrows. “Rainbow Dash and Spike are going to have a game night together. Ready to have your buttons pressed?”

“Wait, what’s the name of the console?” Luna asked with unexpected excitement.

“It’s a Wii W.”

She snickered. “Well then, I’m Wii-ly excited!”

“Wow. That was horrible. I hope you didn’t get any Joy from that Stick.”

“Hmm, just a bit.” Luna winked.

Celestia rolled her eyes. “Okay, okay. Toss me the towel, we’ve got work to do.”

Author's Note

I dare to continue this disasterpiece!