Generic the pony, or Gen for short, woke up on the floor of the Everfree Forest. As one might imagine, he was confused as to where he was. He’d never been to the forest before and had no memory of how he got there. In fact, he had no memory of who he was.
He walked to a reflective pool of water to look upon himself. His red and black mane was a matted mess, along with his red fur. The horn on his head and the wings on his back told him he was an alicorn. Two dark figures moved in behind him as he examined himself in the pool. When he saw their reflections, he turned and shot powerful magic that vaporized them both.
All that was left was their robes and a note. Gen levitated the note to eye level and stared at the cryptic message. I want Generic the alicorn dead for my own poorly thought out reasons. Sincerely, Antagonist.
Generic slipped into one of the robes and tried to figure out where his attackers had come from. There was a path that cut through the undergrowth and he followed it carefully. His head began to throb with faint visions of his tragic past. He shook them off, and continued on.
After several hours, he found his way to a small town known as Ponyville. The second he set hoof into Ponyville, a bouncy, pink maned, earth pony mare with balloon cutie marks, blue eyes, a ridiculous smile, and breath that smelled of sweets greeted him.
“New pony!” the pink pony said as she did every time a red and black pony wandered out of the Everfree Forest. She then threw confetti and began to run around frantically to set up a party. Generic ignored her and continued on into the town.
The colorful talking equines of the town parted for the robed alicorn to walk through the streets unobstructed. The town’s unimportant mail-mare made an appearance, breaking several things on accident and feeling the need to state, “She just didn’t know what went wrong.”
Suddenly, bat ponies. Generic threw off his robe and valiantly defended the town with his extremely over powered and mysterious magic. He blasted the abominations, causing them to turn to ash. As it rained ash down to the streets, Princess Celestia showed up.
“Generic, I’ve looked everywhere for you!” Celestia said frantically.
Generic had visions of his mother flash before his eyes. It was the alicorn that stood before him. He went to embrace his long, lost mother, but the alicorn burst into green flames. Standing there was now the changeling queen, Chrysalis.
“Gasp!” Generic gasped. “You’re not my mother!”
“Or am I?!” Chrysalis asked with an evil grin.
“Are you?!” Generic shouted back.
“No!” Chrysalis replied with a laugh.
They then fought a generic fight that ended with a clop scene. Full of Generic’s hot love, Chrysalis left Ponyville. The citizens rejoiced, but Generic had no time for celebrations.
Next, he encountered a white unicorn mare with a purple mane and three diamonds for a cutie mark. “Darling, I’m the town seamstress, Rarity,” the unicorn said for no apparent reason.
“Did you make this robe?” Generic asked, indicating to the robe he’d gotten in the Everfree Forest.
“Yes, Darling, I did, Darling, how did you get it, Darling?” Rarity asked, batting massive eyelashes.
“There were two ponies that attacked me in the Everfree Forest,” Generic replied. “I killed them and took this robe.”
Rarity inspected the material more closely and remembered the ponies she’d tailored the robes for. “I’ll tell you if you do something for me first, Darling,” Rarity replied seductively. Clop ensued.
With information the narrator is unable to divulge, Generic left Rarity’s Boutique in search of a yellow pegasus mare with a pink mane and butterfly cutie marks named Fluttershy. She was found at her cottage just outside the town.
The slightest sound of Generic’s hoof on the gravel was enough to give Fluttershy three heart attacks. She lay cowering on the ground, crying uncontrollably. Generic lifted her up with his magic and cast a nerve easing spell he hadn’t known prior to casting it.
With the plot able to continue, Generic asked, “Are you Fluttershy?”
“Y-y-y-yes, I am,” Fluttershy stuttered. “A-a-a-are y-y-y-you Ge-Ge-Generic?”
“Yes.”
“THEN DIE!” Fluttershy shouted, turning into a bat pony. Generic dodged the swooping attack of the creature and flew into the air as well. There were several poorly described aviation maneuvers performed by the two airborne ponies. After a few paragraphs, Generic won just by being awesome.
For no discernable reason, Generic went to Sweet Apple Acres. An orange earth pony mare with a cow-pony hat and three apple cutie mark trotted up to him.
“Howdy, Ah’m AppleJack! You must be new ta’ these here parts!” the earth pony replied with an overly southern accent.
The generic alicorn lowered his head and vaporized the earth pony. The changeling that had been impersonating the earth pony exploded. Generic had known it wasn’t the real AJ using prior knowledge that was not given to either him or the reader. The changeling dropped an odd key that would later hold no real purpose in the story.
Generic knew this and picked it up regardless. The real AppleJack ran out of the apple fields, covered in sweat and being followed by a blue pegasus mare with a rainbow mane.
“It’s implied we’re lesbians!” the rainbow maned pegasus shouted.
“Silence!” Generic shouted. “Where is Twilight Sparkle?” At no point had he been looking for Twilight, or even known of the name. A clever plot device, such as a memory or a flashback, appeared.
“I’m right here!”
Generic turned to see the purple alicorn mare standing behind him. “You killed my parents!” Generic shouted.
“No!” Twilight objected. “Your parents killed you!”
All jaws within a fifty mile radius dropped at this statement.
“You’re really an angsty, teenage brony from the human world! Your parents killed you and you woke up as an alicorn in the Everfree forest so you could fulfill all of your repressed sexual desires!”
“I suddenly remember everything!” Generic shouted, remembering his name was Damien or some other typical name.
“Orgy?" Twilight asked, lifting an eyebrow.
“Orgy.” Generic responded. He then satisfied all mane six despite Fluttershy being dead. Celestia, Luna, Cadence and every single female background pony joined in. The ending didn’t make sense, but it didn’t have to. This was just another generic story.
Author's Note
This story is meant to be atrocious, but readable. Take nothing seriously.
Also. There's a SEQUEL. Or two. Depends on when you read this.
