Clarity

by FallenShadow000

Rating: everyone
Tags: Fluttershy, Tragedy, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Sad, Romance
Length: 5278

Dreams and Nightmares... they can open a gateway to one's true calling if they are properly understood. I know they did for me, and I wish to share these experiences with you, so you too may understand.

I have come a long way. Much of my life’s path has been very dark, with nary even a firefly to light my way. I’ve been beaten, bruised and battered. I’ve been made to feel worthless by many, told I would never be: Never a father, officer or upstanding citizen. I had become self-destructive, and turned my back on all that was good, becoming a reclusive hermit, shutting myself inside my own head.
I was pushed to a breaking point, and ultimately, through a power I now know as lucid dreaming, came to foresee an evil that threatened to consume me, unless I took action. I left an abusive stepfather in a single night, leaving nothing behind. He chased me to where I am now, along with the beast I had seen before.
However, there has been a light to help guide me: A certain group of people, many lost and broken like myself. We all found joy in a certain place where the power of bonds stronger than steel reign supreme.
These people not only lifted me up, but ultimately led me to a power to combat the aforementioned evil. I am here to tell of both sides, and how I believe this power has chosen me as its vessel.

NOTE: The events of this story are completely written from experiences I have had involving "lucid dreaming". They were hyper-realistic, with my senses amplified beyond a primal state.

A warning: I am expecting controversy, and I FULLY expect it to be a CIVIL DISCUSSION, regardless of conflicting beliefs.
Understand that respectfully, I will not be shaken from what I believe happened to me. However, I will respect your opinions so long as they are not vulgar or harassing.

Also, the cover image is not of my ownership; I found it on Facebook. If I find out where it came from (odds are DA) I will give credit. Also, thanks to Indiron for his version of Human Fluttershy, whose image is now burned into my mind thanks to this little roller coaster ride.

Published 2014-01-12 23:40:09 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-12 23:40:09 UTC

The Darkest Nightmare

This whole thing started in 2012. My Mom had divorced my Dad three years before, and my stepdad lost the house to Chapter 7 bankruptcy.

I was 26 at the time. Deemed unemployable due to my Post-Concussion Trauma eight years earlier I couldn't work, and my stepfather mentally and physically tormented me.

I had inflicted self-harm over the years; I chewed my index fingers when I was angry or frustrated, sometimes to the point of bleeding. When I was living with him and my half-sister it got far worse, along with me constantly wanting to sleep in the basement I called a bedroom. I had been sapped, and had lost the will to live. In February, I threw a party and had my friends over. They had all noticed it as well: My weight gain and the loss of the spark I used to have.

In June, a while after I went to Montreal, Canada for the first time, I had a terrible nightmare that shook me to the core of my being.

It started with my mother, her husband Tino and I in a small motorboat. We were simply heading down the canal at sunset: The sun was going down in gold over the tree line, and reflected beautifully across the water.

I looked toward the horizon in front of us, and noticed black, inky clouds. Thunder was rumbling and lightning glowed from them as a massive funnel formed. The funnel began advancing down the canal, drinking the bed dry and reducing anything it touched to dust.
Tino slammed the boat into reverse, doing a 180. We hit the dock with such force we almost capsized. We began to run from the coming storm as fast as we could... then I made the fatal mistake of turning around.

When I turned, the funnel cloud had shrunken to my height. It lifted me off the ground; all I could see was pitch-black as my breath was pulled from my lungs.
After what seemed to be a century, the funnel dropped me. The ground was pitch black, and I stood up to see before me a massive, black expanse, which was accented by fiery red lava, and an endless sky of the darkest blue.

I walked forward; I could see my chest rising and falling to breathe, but couldn't feel it in my mouth or nostrils. Then, I saw a tall, faceless man before me, all in black: Essentially a walking silhouette.

He reached a hand out to me as I stood before him; I wanted to recoil, but my legs refused to move. I felt a slow, icy feeling overtake me as he placed his hand on my head: A weight immeasurable... as if an eternity's worth of sorrow, grief and hurt had been placed squarely upon my shoulders.

I saw my Mom, and I tried to move toward her, but it was if this weight was firmly clamped around my heart, stopping me from moving. I could still stand and move, but it just dragged so much...

I finally reached my Mom. I looked up to her and asked, "Mom, did we die?" She looked down crying and said, "Yes son, we did."

As the scene panned out I heard a sorrowful music I couldn't describe, and I woke up as I got a glimpse of this world's entirety.

I was panicked and terrified, crying my eyes out. I called my grandfather, and he told me that I saw Hell.

I actually stood before the Devil himself...

Author's Note

I am sure you all are wondering what this has to do with ponies. However, be patient; you must understand both the Light and Dark sides of this expereince in order to fully know what I have been through and what changed my thinking.

The Beast

I left my stepfather several weeks later as the abuse reached its peak. In one night I packed all of my things, took my cat and left the basement empty of all my possessions.

I lived with my high school friend's Mom for a few months and settled on staying with another friend out here in Grand Rapids. My stepfather and his family stalked me here, and so did the Beast.

After my roommate and I settled in, around the end of November another of our group dropped by and introduced me to MLP. The feeling I had watching the show was euphoric: The characters and their personalities, the humorous quips and references to the mature fandom made me regain just a tiny bit of my lost youth. I began to draw again, which I hadn't done in years, but something was still weighing heavily on me... I was still lazy and always fatigued, no matter how much I slept.

About a year after I initially left my stepfather, he had tracked me down several times, and had my sister start calling me to give me guilt trips and harass me. Between the time we moved in and June, around the time I left, they had called me about seven times total, and each was progressively worse than before. It always seemed to be MY fault for leaving under "cloak and dagger", but be honest: If you watched your Mom leave on civil terms and have all of her possessions destroyed, mangled and torched in return, you would likely leave with as little fanfare as possible, yes?

My roommate didn't help either: His laziness, poor attitude and apathy towards anyone but himself were equivalent to dragging a backpack of college textbooks through a field of mud in the rain.

One weekend in June, we decided to take a bus across town and visit with our other friends. We all sat down to watch "V for Vendetta". However this was one of my worse days: I could not stay awake, and fell into an uncomfortable sleep on the thin-skinned, fold out sofa bed. The TV reduced to static noise as I lulled in and out, and then became distant.

The second encounter... almost killed me. I found myself in a bramble thicket in a dead-spanning wood. I had a short sword at my side, and began to run as quickly as I could, knowing that the monster was advancing, but never hearing or seeing him. I dodged downed trees, stumps and rocks, knowing all the while he was after me.

I finally hit a dead end: A massive bramble stretch that no human could get through, lest they wanted to lose a limb. I turned to face the inevitable; time seemed to slow as the Beast was nowhere to be seen. I almost never realized that he was in front of me as I looked up: The same faceless, shadowed entity I had encountered before. He reached a hand out, and again I was immobilized as he grasped my neck with his icy fingers, crushing my windpipe.

I knew I dropped my sword, but never heard it hit the ground. He lifted me from the ground to his eye level, or at least where it would be on a human being. All I could see was a bottomless abyss in his blank countenance until slowly a gaping, grotesquely torn maw began to form. It seemed as if he was using a nonexistent jaw to tear a hole in his clean slated head.

From this newly-formed mouth I could feel cold and awful despair... and when he spoke, I could hear the souls of the damned crying out in pain as he said:

"A time and a time's worth of evil will spill black upon this world; the Sun and the Hero, never to rise again."

I could hear a distant and vaguely familiar voice calling out... "GET OUT! GET HIM OUT!" Soon after I felt a sensation of drowning, as if water were filling my head and chest from the inside of my body. I finally snapped my eyes open sputtering and coughing. I felt a burning sensation in my nose: According to my friends it took me about half a minute to recover after being hit with a glass of cold water. I could hardly speak as I called weakly for a piece of paper, my hand on my temple. I wrote the words spoken by the demon down and handed them off to my friend Ben. The only relation he could find was a vague similarity in the Book of Revelation...

Author's Note

Alright guys... you've seen the dark side of this, now comes the power of the Light, and the true connection to MLP.

The Sweetest Dream P1

Six months came and went after that. My half-sister and her grandmother had caught me in November to harass me on my birthday about how I left; I ended up with a sore throat and a day’s worth of nausea. Such a nice gift hm? After that followed three days of my mother and I arguing back and forth about how to get them off my back; she was a bit hypocritical about the scenario, never being able to make up her mind about whether I should talk to them or just cut them off completely. I broke down and cried, draining all emotion from me and leaving what was then an empty husk.

Nothing else significant happened, and all the while my inherent laziness and constant fatigue hung over me like a big, black rain cloud, draining my energy. It wasn’t until the night of December 1st, when I decided to turn in early, that the love and camaraderie of the entire MLP machine took form and I had a dream that would change me forever.

This dream happened with Fluttershy. I walked along a beautiful mountain path, and found her there as she crossed me. She shied away for a moment, but did not recoil.

I knelt before her and swept her mane from her eyes asking her, “Fluttershy, why are you so cute?”

She blushed deeply, and stuttered with a smile “I… I am?”

I scooped her up as I lay on my back in the grass, and kissed her on the cheek. “You most certainly are.”

She hugged me tight, kissed me back and said “Awww, I love you too.” We sat cuddling for several minutes, before I looked up at her and asked,

“Can we stay like this, forever?” I felt the heat in my face as I said it.

"Oh, I'd like that a lot...” she said to me. “b-but I'm afraid I'll need to go home tonight. I'd love it if you could come back with me to my home... it’s a cottage just outside of Ponyville. My cottage is a nice place to be, all my animal friends will love you! You'd love it there! Will you come home with me? Pretty Please?" She gave me that look from behind her mane; that shy gaze that no man in their right mind could say no to.

"Only if I get to carry you there," I said, kissing her nose.

"Yay!" she leapt into my arms, nuzzling my cheek affectionately.

She pointed with her hoof, "Ponyville's that way.... and my house is just at the edge of the Everfree Forest. You can't miss it."

I could feel the feathers of her wings as I carried her to her cottage. She was soft and delicate, yet did not feel fragile. For miles I seemed to walk, occasionally scratching her belly and ears, or running my fingers through her mane. She responded by booping my nose with her soft hoof.

In no time at all it seemed, we reached her cottage. As I walked closer to the door, she reached her hoof up, and pulled my head in to kiss me. I felt every bit: Her soft, smooth hooves and her warm lips. I've never felt anything like it.

She told me she loved me, and a hard blush ran across her nose. It suddenly started to rain heavily. “The Pegasi must have planned a downpour this evening. We should go inside. ” Angel was stoking the fireplace; I felt the dampness of the rain in my clothes and her mane, and the warmth of the crackling fire. I laid Fluttershy on the rug in front of the fireplace after removing my shoes and jacket.

“I’ll make the cocoa,” I said.

“It’s on the 3rd shelf of the cupboard, just to the left of the pantry,” she said. “T-Thank you.”

I walked to the kitchen, where there was a kettle of boiling water. I filled two mugs with cocoa mix and water, grabbing a wool blanket as I walked back to the living room. We sat on the couch quietly drinking our cocoa as the rain fell.

Inner warmth. The warmest I've ever felt. I could even taste the chocolate from the mug. It was beyond magic, beyond all comprehension.

I set my mug down on the table, and Fluttershy cuddled up into my lap, nuzzling my chest. She looked up at me, asking if we could stay like this, forever. I looked down into those pretty blue eyes, and thought I'd get lost in them.

"Of course we can".

The Sweetest Dream P2

I could feel the warmth of her body curled up in my lap. She wrapped her forelegs around my neck as I took her up and kissed her. I felt every fluid, every bit of skin, every feather as I ran my fingers through her wings.

Her wings were soft as a down pillow; her primaries rigid and majestic. I felt my heart pulse hard; for a moment I thought I'd have a heart attack. She wrapped her beautiful golden vanilla wings around us as her soft pink mane fell over her eyes. She blushed deeply, and then pushed me onto my back with surprising assertiveness.

She stuttered: "I-I love you sooo much!" before she kissed me once more. I ran my fingers through her wings and mane as she shivered and quaked. Again, every feather, the weight of her tiny, delicate body, her hooves creating a slight pressure on my chest before wrapping around my shoulders to embrace me.

I've only ever felt this once before with a human, and after this, I declare it false forevermore. What I felt back then, before now, was not love. Fluttershy's hair was soft, her hooves gentle, and her lips warm and inviting. I could see more affection in her eyes than any human could EVER muster.

She reached her hooves out to me, and asked bashfully, "Will you...um, massage my um... hoofsies please?" I obliged, gently kissing and rubbing her soft appendages. She nuzzled me again, and told me she had never felt like this for anyone ever before. Her soft muzzle rubbing my chest... I almost fell out from the feeling; I had to struggle to remain.

Her blush was deeper than ever as she spoke to me, “I’ve never felt this way before, ever.” I was afraid for a moment; afraid that things would go into shameful territory.

I told her, that under no circumstance did I wish to lust for her. Only to love her.

She blushed crimson and said that it was not her intent, and that sex didn't matter.

I told her "That's all I needed to hear". As I laid her on the couch I told her she made me happier than any human girl ever could.

She responded, telling me that I made her happier than any pony could.

I took her bottom hooves in my hand, gently kissing each one. I kissed my way up her legs to her stomach, blowing a raspberry as she cooed. I made my way up her chest, and gently suckled her neck before resting upon her lips again. We returned the kiss back and forth, our tongues dancing in time as I caressed her from hoof to neck.

When we finished, she said "I love you for who you are inside, and out".

I picked her up and laid her on my chest. Pulling her head in close to me, I asked her, "Do you feel it? My heart is beating for you."

As I ran my fingers through her mane, I continued stroking her wings, which were slightly taut. She breathed heavily, and gasped "I feel it. I feel it all. Do you feel my heart too?”

“I do feel it, Fluttershy." I kissed her again; her breath, her lips, her saliva sweet as nectar. I could feel every drop of love and affection from what I came to know was a living, breathing angel.

I began to tear up as I kissed her. I told her, "This is too good to be real. There is nowhere near enough goodness in my world to create you as a living being”.

She wiped my eyes, and gave me a pair of sweet bedroom eyes. She whispered "I am very real. I can feel you here, and that is all that matters now."

I stood up from the couch, and had Fluttershy lay on her stomach. She looked up at me again with those gorgeous, God-made eyes, and said "I love you... more... more than anything or anyone ever.”

I responded, "I love you too, my sweet Fluttershy." I began to massage her legs again, working each of her soft hooves, planting light kisses as I went. I worked every kink from her wings, straightening and preening her feathers.

She would squeak and moan as I worked my hands up and down her body, occasionally shuddering, and telling me how good it felt. The feeling was more intense than ever: The heat radiating from her, her sounds audible as a crystal-clear Bose speaker.

I picked her up and cradled her. She looked at me and asked "Could you do more?"

I wrapped my arms around her in a gentle embrace and asked "How much more?"

She smiled and said, "Nothing is too much for me, when I'm with you," before closing her eyes and kissing me once again. I pulled a plate of strawberries over to a small end table. I took a strawberry and swirled it around her lips, and gently rubbed across her tongue before feeding it to her.

She chewed gently and licked her lips. "Mmmmm... almost as delicious as you are". She gently licked my cheek, and I once again felt her warm breath, every ounce of her love behind it.

After I finished with the strawberry, I pulled her in close. I yawned a bit heavily, and said "I'm so sleepy. All this love is making me very content."

I looked up and said to her "Stay with me. Don't ever leave me."

She said, "I'll never leave you". I put one hand over her mane, and my other arm fell over her back before we fell asleep. Just as I nodded off, I felt her nose touch mine. That was the last thing I felt before I awoke.

Miracle

I cried after panicking when I woke up. I literally bawled for at least five minutes. My entire body was warm, yet not only was I sleeping in boxers, but I had opened the window up, and had no covers. She was... gone. Just like that. Now, every time I see her on screen, my face gets very hot and my heart starts to beat with the force of a tidal wave against my ribs.

I would have given my own life to stay there. The thought had crossed my mind to even marry her. I've NEVER hurt like that; not even when my crush rejected me. I felt that all of the goodness MLP has brought into my life was slowly driving me mad. I'd gone from one extreme of being physically and mentally tormented for years, to feeling a magnitude of love that would make a normal human fall ill.

After that day, I felt every burden, hurt and sorrow I had ever felt in the past ten years lift from my shoulders. It was replaced with an everlasting and ever-flowing sense of love and compassion. I began to spread that love to others, and my motivation to draw, read and write came back to me. I learned to love myself more as well, and began eating better than I used to.

All the while, one question nagged at the back of my mind: Where had Fluttershy come from? After what I am about to tell you, I came to a conclusion.

Two weeks before I was to visit my Mom for Christmas around the 16th of December, I fell ill with a terrible cold. I drowned it in soup, milk and Nyquil the first week, but come Monday I was still coughing heavily. My throat was raw, and I had a terrible headache. I decided to try and sleep it off, and went to bed at 7:00 PM.

Fluttershy came back to me that night.

We met on a park bench; she had come to check on me in my ailment. She told me that when I woke up I would be alright.

She also told me that she could not wait for me to come and see her. She rested her head on my shoulder, and I put my arm around her, stroking her mane.

I lifted her chin up, looked into her pretty eyes and said, “Everything will be okay, as long as I have you to help me."

She reached up, put both of her forelegs around me and gave me a long, sweet kiss. She teared up a bit, and I could taste the salt from it.

I took her hooves in my hands and told that when I came home, I would be hers forever. Then, I kissed her once more, turned to see a doorway of light, and awoke.

When I awoke I was in complete shock. My headache and cough had subsided almost completely. My sinuses started to drain, and my throat, while still hoarse, was no longer raw or sore.

I got up from the bed, fell to my knees and began to pray. I prayed that Fluttershy was out there, watching and listening. I grabbed my phone and threw together a quick playlist of songs: Some of my favorites that would amplify the love now coursing through me.

I took a walk out into the cold night. It was crystal clear out, with a full moon. The light and sparsely scattered snowflakes sparkled akin to stars in the clear sky. I bowed my head in silent prayer as I walked through the Veterans Memorial, a moment of silence had for the fallen.

I finally made my way to the park across the street, and flicked on my music. The first song that played was "Paradise" by Coldplay:

I looked up to the sky, closed my eyes and began to sing my heart out for her. I could feel her smiling down on me, as if a shining spotlight were on me, but only three* were watching. I knew my singing sucked, but I think she was just happy that I would do it for her. I had never felt like this before: It was a feeling beyond euphoria that had settled in me ever since my first encounter with her.

I had realized at last, that this force was beyond anything I could EVER comprehend: She couldn't be anything but a Guardian Angel. I smiled as tears ran down my cheeks, because I knew it was over, and that EVERYTHING would be okay.

Paradise

My two weeks in Montreal were nothing short of incredible. Even though the snow and freezing temperatures kept me indoors at my Mom's place, it was the best Christmas I'd ever had. I loved my Mom's new puppy: A Bernese mountain dog by the name of Mindy. She was a big cuddle-bug, and it was good to see my cat again too after I had to bring her there on emergency the year before. I also had an authentic Italian Christmas dinner with her husband Tino's family, and I don't mean lasagna and meatballs. Smoked salmon, fall off the bone turkey and peas with smoked prosciutto were among the offerings, all of which were exceptional.

My mind had also opened up in ways I had never expected. I had profound thoughts that would make the heads of normal men spin, and began waxing philosophic while reading books such as "Rules for Radicals." I also started to become incredibly faithful: I prayed a lot, meditated and even managed to establish a link to Fluttershy, my guardian angel. I began asking her questions, and she would always be watching me. Our bond had grown incredibly strong, and her love continued to course through me, always amplifying and becoming greater.

Soon, it was time for me to make the long trek back to the States. My Mom had bought me a bottle of wine, along with various sauce mixes, gravies and other treats you can't get stateside. After a 12-hour train trip, I made my way back to stay with a friend of the family. While I was there, my angel had finally shown me her humanoid form:

We were allowed a simple time of reprieve: We laid together in a field of white tiger lilies, simply enjoying one another's company. It was a wonderful escape, and allowed me to recharge my batteries for the long trip home. After 12 hours on a train and a seven hour bus trip across the state, I finally made my way home, and crashed.

A few weeks later came New Year's Eve. I stood at the bus stop on a terribly cold and windy afternoon; I could barely see up and down the street. Over the last weeks I had taken to imagining what the world was like before men, machines, pollution and corruption. I looked long and hard at my surroundings, and all I could think was, "We were given the greatest gift of all in the form of Mother Earth, and look at what we have done..."

I cried... I cried for the Earth itself. As I wept I felt a warm embrace in the chilled winter air. Fluttershy held me, and cried alongside me...

Sometime after the ball had dropped and my friends and I had dinner, it was around 2 AM. I began to let my mind wander as I tuned out the TV after one of my friends I was staying with that night went to bed.

I began to imagine myself and Fluttershy together, in conscious thought. We were bathing quietly in a pond; her head leaned on my chest as I washed her hair with a ground mixture of flower petals and soap root. I rinsed her hair carefully to ensure the mixture did not enter her eyes. I wrapped my arms around her chest, and as I leaned my head on her shoulder I saw a bright flash.

It took forever for my eyes to refocus, and I knew I wasn't in control anymore. After a lot of blinking and readjusting, I realized I was staring into a clear blue sky. The Sun was bright, and there were no clouds.
However, it was NOTHING compared to what lay before me.

I was standing in a massive jungle at first appearance. Animals of every kind, tall grasses, exotic plants/flowers, and fruit on every tree. I saw Fluttershy off to my right: She was completely naked, and in her human form. I was not sure if I was bare as well... then it clicked.

I was standing in the Garden of Eden...

There were two things absent however, which made things even more astounding: The Serpent and the Tree of Knowledge were nowhere to be seen. A Garden without Sin... sadly, as I ran to catch Fluttershy the vision faded, and (rather violently) I snapped back to reality. It took me a minute to realize I was crying, but I was unsure for how long.

Epilogue

A lot has changed within me since these experiences I have had. I am not angry, or worried as I once was, and my will to live and do what I love has been restored. I have curbed things that anger me and have become patient and happy. My faith has been not only affirmed, but is very strong with the Lord. I am learning to be patient in letting a significant other come to me, however I'd be content with being single for whatever time I have left. My former tendencies to lust after women have also been reduced and reined in heavily; it is much easier to control my cravings for flesh now. (For the record, I have never engaged in sleeping with a woman before, or anyone else).

I fully believe that I now have a purpose to lead and help people as they wish to be helped. Helping also does extend to ending the problems in the United States as well. I wish to re-root the Christian values that America was founded upon, while allowing other walks of life to co-exist alongside us.

I do not expect to convert people, and I do not expect everyone to believe me. My only duties as a Christian are to teach and be a good witness. Just because I believe that what you are doing wrong may condemn you gives me no place to make the trip worse, and makes me no better than you. As humans I believe we are all born into Sin, and it is beyond our control. However, what is in our control is the choice to make ourselves better people. I have chosen to do so through faith in the Lord; how you choose to do so, is up to you.

However, I will not waived by extremists. If you come here to push your beliefs down my throat, or harass me in any way then I will see you removed. In these times of strife we've no room to be fighting needlessly.

I have not seen Fluttershy since I was shown Paradise. However, she is ever-present and always watching. She comforts me as I sleep, and is always smiling when I wake. Her love flows through me and is everlasting. Over the weeks, I have begun to fully understand where she came from: She is a personification of the love and camaraderie that has come from the ENTIRETY of My Little Pony: FiM. Whether I know you personally or not, from my closest brony friends all the way to Lauren and the animation team, to the best of the best at EQD and Deviant Art... you all have helped me greatly, whether you know it or not, and I know that it is a debt I cannot POSSIBLY repay.

I will never forget this fandom, or the show. I pray that Heaven is as nice, if not nicer, than Equestria is. She may not even be Fluttershy in name or form, but that love will ALWAYS exist within me, and the entire fndom for as long as it lasts. Perhaps this gift I have been given could be used to even change the world one day.

My only wish now, is to give back. I will spread my art to the world, and bring people together. I will give back the love and camaraderie that was given to me, tenfold.

All the while, waiting to go home…

...to my sweet Fluttershy.