And Now For Something Completely Different

by Eagle

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Other, Comedy, Random, Shining Armor, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Main 6
Length: 7066

A collection of Monty Python & MLP sketches

Monty Python has often been credited with 'doing to comedy what The Beatles did to music'. It seems to fit, as the famed group of Brit comedians did change the way comedy was done. There are dozens upon dozens of sketches that have become classics; from The Spanish Inquisition and The Argument Clinic to The Black Knight and Brian claiming not to be the Messiah. From beginning to end, this collection pays tribute to them.

Notes: I'll leave it rated for everyone, but some of the sketches may contain language and other inappropriate references. If said sketches do, I will post their contents at the beginning as a warning, though that does not necessarily mean I will do any of these said sketches.

Published 2014-01-30 19:00:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-22 21:31:26 UTC

Princess Celestia Harrasses Some Constitutional Peasents

It always gave Princess Celestia a sense of happiness and pride when she toured Equestria. She did not really do it for political campaigns or inspections, usually it was just to brighten up her subjects and see just how well things were going. And things were going rather well lately; everything seemed to be working in the way it should. There was plenty of food, the ponies were happy, and she had just acquired a new piece of land for her kingdom.

In fact, that new strip of land was what she was going to go through today. Of course she had not seized it militarily, just bought it from a struggling little nation with some financial issues, a nation she had rarely personally been to. She was not exactly sure what to expect there.

But that is why she was walking through it now; and for the most part, it seemed normal. Long green fields and a few stubble hills here and there made it a lovely place. All of its inhabitants had knowledge of the transaction, and did not seem to oppose it. Everything about it looked excellent; the only thing she was not aware of was a small stone castle a short ways off. She was not told of it beforehand. Perhaps some of locals knew who the structure belonged to.

“Excuse me, old lady,” she called to a peasant pulling a cart. “Who’s-wait, what are you?”

She noticed that the peasant was not a pony, but some kind of strange new creature.

“What I am? What do ya mean what I am!?” he yelled. “I’m not a bloody lady, I’m a man!”

“Well, I apologize; it was not easy to tell,” she said, keeping her composure. “But what I meant was, what kind of species are you?”

“Oh what, you got a problem with what I am? You going to start restricting my rights because I don’t got four legs like you, eh?”

“Restricting your rights? I assure you I am not here to do that. I only wish to know who lives in the castle over there.”

“And I’m thirty-seven, for another thing!” he continued on, ignoring Celestia’s remark.

“What?”

“I’m thirty-seven, I’m not old!”

Celestia was a rather unhappy with this one’s attitude; she only had a simple question, and now this new being was attacking her with nonsensical claims and for menial mistakes.

“Well,” she sighed, trying to stay calm. “I greatly apologize for mistaking your age.”

“That’s more like it. I mean how would you like it if I said you were over a-thousand?”

“I actually am, you know,” she chuckled.

“Oh, so you think that you seen everything because of your age?” he counter-attacked. “You think that because you live longer that you’re better than me?”

“W-what!?” she gasped. “I said no such thing!”

“No but you were thinking it, I know.”

“Ugh,” Celestia sighed.

She stopped and took a deep breath. Maybe she should just leave this strange creature alone; beyond being overly-sensitive and rather aggressive, he was not harming anything. No, this was a new subject of her land, and she wanted to take care of her subjects. She would bond with this one if it took a year.

“Well, may I simply call you ‘man’?” she asked.

“Well, you could say ‘Dennis’,” he replied. “Hasn’t got the wishy-washy razzle-dazzle of your pony names, but it suites me just fine!”

“I think it is a lovely name,” she assured him in a motherly tone. “And I take it as my duty as Princess to know all of my subject’s names.”

“Oh, you’re a princess, eh? Very nice,” he snarled. “And how’d ya get that; by exploiting the workers?”

“I would never exploit my little-”

“You did it by 'anging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society!” he interrupted. “If there’s ever going to be any progress with the-”

“Dennis, there’s some lovely filth down here!” an old woman in rags called in a high voice from the dirt. “Oh, how d’you do?”

“Good evening, lady,” Celestia responded.

“Oh, so you can tell she’s a lady,” Dennis mumbled.

“What? Did she call you a lady?” the woman asked.

“It was an accident,” Celestia claimed. “I only wish to know whose castle this is.”

“Who are you?”

“I am Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria.”

“Princess of what?”

“Equestria.”

“What are Equestrians?”

“Well, I am; and now you are,” she explained. “We are all Equestrians, and I am your Princess.”

“I didn’t know we had a Princess,” the woman said. “I thought we were an autonomous collective.”

“A… what?” Celestia asked before Dennis cut her off.

“You’re fooling yourself,” he said to the woman, climbing down to the dirt as well. “We're living in a dictatorship; a self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes-”

“Oh, there you go bringing class into it again,” the woman complained.

“Well that’s what it’s all about,” Dennis retorted. “If only people would hear of-”

“Please, please; I am in haste,” Celestia said. “Who lives in that castle?”

“No one,” the woman answered.

“Well, where is your lord?”

“We don’t have a lord.”

“What?”

“I told you, we're an anarcho-syndicalist commune,” Dennis explained again. “We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.”

“Well, that is quite-”

“But, all decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting.”

“That seems-”

“Which is made up of a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs.”

“Could you please stop-”

“But, by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major-”

“Be quiet!” Celestia yelled, finally losing her temper. “I order you to be quiet!”

“Order, eh?” the woman commented. “Who do you think you are?”

“I am your Princess!”

“Well, I didn’t vote for you.”

“You don’t vote for a Princess!”

“Well, how did you become Princess, then?”

“Since Equestria’s beginning, it has been ruled by the two regal sisters who brought harmony to the land,” Celestia explained. “One, my sister, ruled the night and raised the moon, while I ruled the day and raised the sun. Ever since, I have raised the sun and brought light and warmth to the land and its inhabitants.”

“Listen, having the job of telling everyone when the sun’s comin’ up is no qualification for being the leader of a nation,” Dennis retorted.
“Do you doubt my powers?”

“Bloody right I do!” he said. “Sayin’ that you’ve got the power to control the sun doesn’t mean you can control the sun, it means you’re a loony!”

“Be quiet!”

“Well, you can’t expect to wield supreme power just because you can tell when the sun’s comin’ up.”

“Shut up!”

“I mean if I ran around sayin’ I was emperor just because I could tell that it was dawn outside they’d put me away!”

“Shut up, will you!?” Celestia yelled angrily, picking the peasant up with her magic “Shut up!”

“Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.”

“Shut up!”

“Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system!” Dennis yelled from his spot in the air. “Help! Help! I’m being repressed!”
Celestia dropped the man back down onto the ground.

“Bloody peasant!” she said, beginning to walk away.

“Oh, what a giveaway. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about,” he called to the others in the field. “Did you see her repressing me!? You saw it, didn’t you?”

As Dennis was running about in fervor, Celestia just decided to begin walking off. This little encounter had ruined her whole day; in fact, it had ruined the whole tour. And what if this whole land was filled with people like this? It would be rather difficult to work with them.

“Ugh, now I see why they sold me this land so cheap,” Celestia sighed before continuing on.

Author's Note

Thank you all for reading; let me know what you think. Also, a quick thanks to my pre-readers.

I'll be doing crosses from The Python's whole career, so let me know if there's any scene or sketch you would like to see with ponies.

Constitutional Peasants from Monty Python & The Holy Grail; partially by request of users Joyous Apple, batran, and a few others.

The Great and Powerful Trixie Vs. Tim the Enchanter

The Great and Powerful Trixie Vs. Tim the Enchanter

This problem was becoming a rather big problem. It was a big, constant, really annoying problem. It was kind of like a pest or rodent problem; the annoying bugger kept coming back again and again and you could never get rid of it. Those kinds of things that even an exterminator who specialized in getting rid of that exact thing had trouble doing.

That problem was Trixie Lulamoon; or ‘The Great and Powerful Trixie’, as she always preferred. Every bloody year she would return to Ponyville with some crazy new scheme to increase her own popularity while simultaneously embarrassing Twilight and her friends. And yet, she had been beaten every time. You would think she would have learned by now.

Twilight had to be honest; it was becoming more of an irritating chore to keep Trixie in her place all the time. Every time she would bring Trixie back down to size, making her swear not to try anything again, only for her to come back and do exactly that.
“Does she ever learn?” Twilight mumbled to herself as she strolled through the woods.

She had gone into the Everfree mainly to calm down; it might not have been the best place to go, but the entire town was talking about Trixie and she just needed to escape for a bit. Besides, the forest was not that bad; once one got past the darkness and noises and other evil-ish qualities, it was actually a rather soothing place. And there was always something new to discover.

“Alright, let’s see. Maybe I could-ah!”

There was a loud explosion that sounded through the woods.

“What was-”

Several more cut her off, all from the same direction. She followed the sounds to a large, rocky area with a large, pointed boulder in the center. A lone figure stood atop it, waving his hand gracefully about. Each time he pointed or gestured, a large explosion would occur where he pointed. He seemed to look over and notice Twilight, and suddenly exploded in a cloud of smoke.

“Did he just… blow himself up?” she asked no one.

As if to answer her question, the creature exploded into being a few feet from her, scaring her.

“Ah!”

The figure stared at her for a bit with a simple, kind of knowing look on its face. It was wrapped in black clothing, and had a long, white beard and light skin. It also seemed to have horns on its head turning upside-down and long wooden stick in his hand and stood on two feet.

“Who are you? How… how did you do that?” Twilight asked.

“I… am an enchanter,” he replied.

Before she could ask another question, the enchanter pointed his fingers and caused several nearby, smaller explosions to demonstrate his power.

“Well, what’s your name?” she asked.

“There are some who call me… Tim…”

“Well, it’s nice to meet you,” she said. “My name is-”

“Twilight Sparkle,” he cut her off.

“You know my name?”

“I do!”

He turned around and caused three more large explosions on the rocks in the distance.

“But, how did you cause all those explosions? I’ve never seen any kind of magic that can do-wait.”

This enchanter could summon explosions out of nowhere; this was some entirely new kind of magic. Maybe if she could convince him to come back to Ponyville with her, he could put Trixie in her place. Something as terrifying as this could surely teach her a lesson that would stick.

“Excuse me, Tim,” she asked. “Would you mind-”

“I know why you are here,” he said.

“You do?”

“Yes,” he growled in a gravely, deep voice. “You seek the Holy Grail.”

Twilight stared at him for a moment with a confused look.

“Uh, no that’s not it.”

Tim’s eyes widened a bit in surprise.

“What?”

“I don’t even know what that is.”

“Oh.”

Tim quickly turned right cause another massive explosion.

“Are uh… are you sure you aren’t searching for the Holy Grail?” he asked. “It’s quite lovely, you know.”

“I’m pretty sure, yes,” she said. “I actually wanted to see if you would come back to Ponyville with me.”

“Why?” he asked.

He turned left and caused five quick explosions, which were actually getting a bit tiresome at this point.

“Well, there this showboating unicorn called Trixie who is always putting the town in danger because she wants to be famous,” Twilight explained. “I’m getting really sick of having to deal with her. I was hoping you could come and… deflate her ego, so to speak.”

Tim pondered on this for a moment.

“Very well!”

“Yes!” Twilight said, congratulating herself. “If you’ll follow me, Mr. Tim, we’ll be there in no time.”

“Are you sure you’re not looking for a Grail?”

“Yes, Tim,” Twilight sighed.

The two headed off in the direction of Ponyville. This time, Twilight was sure Trixie would stop. Maybe being bested by someone other than herself would put an end to all that jealousy. In fact, she was sure of it; and she could not wait until it was all said and done. Tim, along the way, kept babbling to her about the 'Grail', much to her annoyance.

“And for her next trick,” Trixie boasted to the gathered crowd. “The Great and Powerful Trixie shall-”

“-I mean other than all that stuff it’s a really nice cup!”

“Tim! For the last time, I am not going to look for this Holy Grail you’re talking about!” Twilight replied.

Trixie saw the two moving through the crowd, much to her anger.

“Who dares interrupt the Great and Powerful Trix-”

“Well it’s not that hard,” Tim retorted. “I mean sure there’s the evil Beast of Caerbannog, and after that there’s that other beast in the caves,… and of course you’d have to take the castle itself. But beyond that it’s really not too hard!”

“I’m not going Tim!” Twilight replied.

“Ah, you’re no bloody fun,” he sighed.

“What reason do you have for interrupting the Great and Powerful Trixie’s show!?” the showmare yelled at the top of her lungs at the two.

“Oh, this the one?” Tim asked.

“Yes, that would be Trixie-”

“-Lulamoon I know that,” Tim finished.

Well, at least his naming was spot-on.

“What kind of creature is this?” Trixie mockingly asked.

“I… am an enchanter!” he replied. “Some call me… Tim!”

Trixie laughed at the enchanter; Tim did not have much of a reaction.

“And just what can you do, Tim?”

Tim turned over to an empty space and gestured in that direction. Seemingly out of nowhere and for no reason, an explosion banged against the ground. He gestured again and again, each time answered by another boom. The crowd seemed awed at this new display; Trixie, on the other hand, was furious that her audience was being stolen by some new creature with a new kind of magic.

“Now… you must… beat that!” he said, taking his time.

“Oh, you want a duel?” Trixie said. “Fine, Trixie will give you a duel!”

Trixie launched several fireworks into the sky, causing a dazzling effect. Though the crowd seemed pleased, Tim was not impressed. He merely turned over to the currently unoccupied market and began his own string of explosions. While they were rather impressive, they caused a good deal of collateral damage.

“My stand!” Applejack cried.

“Now… try and best that!” Tim taunted.

Trixie launched more and the sparks took the shapes of flocks of birds dancing in the sky with their multiple colors.

“Think you can do better?” she returned.

Time replied by holding up his walking stick and shooting long streams of flames from its end; unfortunately, it was also in the way of some poor pony’s home.

“My house! You caught my house on fire!”

“Uh, Tim,” Twilight nudged, “could you maybe… turn it down a little?”

Tim did not seem to hear her, nor did he wait for Trixie, pointing his staff at the library and shooting a rocket out of it that turned the tree into an inferno.

“Tim!”

“And now… the grandest trick!” he proclaimed.

He began to swish and move his hands about as if he were conducting an orchestra. He took a couple steps forward, towards Trixie’s stage, much to her fright. With one final, strong movement he brought both hands up, and then down again.

The stage was the center of a massive explosion, sending debris sky high. The detonation caused a massive shockwave that ripped through the small town, blowing away buildings, ponies, and whatever else was there. Only Tim was able to keep his place, happily surveying his handy work and smiling as he gazed at the mushroom cloud that rose above town.

He walked forward through the smoke and wreckage. Most of the town’s inhabitants were trying to re-collect themselves after what just happened. Reaching the stage, Tim found Trixie lying there, burnt and beaten. She was alive, and ok, but seemed to be in a heavy daze.

“Ok, you win,” she murmured.

“Of course, Tim the Enchanter… always wins,” he replied in his wise, all-knowing tone.

The two were joined by an ash-covered Twilight, who seemed rather regretful of the whole ordeal.

“Gee, thanks a lot, Tim,” she sighed to the Enchanter. “I don’t know what I would have done without you.”

“Oh, it was nor problem,” he said. “I always have fun showing others my work and practicing my magic.”

“So, what now?”

“Well, I suppose I’ll be off,” he replied, beginning to walk before stopping. “Now are you sure you don’t want to have a go at catching that Grail?”

“Yes, Tim,” Twilight sighed, looking at the ground in disappointment.

“Oh, well what about you, Lulamoon?” he asked. “Would you like to try to find the Holy Grail?”

“The… what?” she asked, still in a bit of a daze.

“No?” he said. “Anyone? Anyone here want to try and slay the beast to get to the Grail?”

Most of the townsfolk did not respond, only glaring at him angrily.

“Huh, I wonder who was supposed to find it, then,” he said. “Well, I suppose I’ll be off then.”

“Thanks, Tim,” Twilight sighed again, still starring at the ground.

“You know, this is a very… lovely town,” he complemented. “I think I may return some day.”

“Ok, Tim-wait what!?”

“Farewell, Twilight Sparkle and friends.”

He caused another explosion on his own position, disappearing in the fire.

“Was that your idea to bring him here?” Trixie asked Twilight.

“Yea, I guess it was,” she replied.

“Wow, that was kinda… dumb,” she said. “Really dumb, actually. I… I don’t think I want to compete with you anymore Twilight.”

Author's Note

Tim the Enchanter from Monty Python and The Holy Grail

Also, these won't follow a single setting, so feel free to skip around to whichever you wish instead of reading them in order.

Applejack Learns to Defend Herself Against Fresh Fruit

Why Applejack wanted to take a self-defense course, she did not know. She could take care of herself just fine, and she rarely ever had to. Even when she did have to fight, she could do more than hold her own. Still, it just felt like a necessary thing. Maybe it was just something to make her feel a little more assured.

Besides, she would be one of the first ponies to learn a human martial art. They had just come around a short while ago, and the group teaching this class was from a country called ‘Britain’; though she had heard several names for the place. Plus, this was being taught by their Army. They had accepted her request for some reason, they did not say, but she was still confident.

She entered the small building where the class was taking place, which seemed rather simple and bland. Trotting down a small flight of stairs, she was greeted by three other ponies, the other ones accepted to the course. There were two stallions, a large dark blue one and the other dust brown, and another mare, whose coat was a light red. Before she could even say hello, the instructor, a Sergeant in rank, gave a loud yell at her.

“Right, and who are you!?”

Applejack actually jumped a bit in fright from his loud, domineering voice.

“A-Applejack,” she stuttered out.

“She’s the last one on the course, Sergeant,” a well-dressed Colonel in the back said, checking a clip board. “Get some discipline into those chaps, Sergeant Major.”

“Right! Good evening, class!” he yelled.

The group mumbled their respective hellos, mostly due to their instructors frightening demeanor.

“What, there something wrong?” he asked.

“No, it’s just… you’re a little… scary,” the light red mare quipped.

“Scary!? Well, I have to be if I’m going to teach you to defend yourselves properly!” he claimed. “Now, do you know why you were all selected to take part in this course?”

They shook their heads in a ‘no’ response.

“You were all picked because we believe your line of work will give us the best examples for training during this study,” he explained. “We will video tape this lesson, and its results will be kept and distributed to assist in future teachings of this art.”

This confused Applejack a good bit. Why would her position as an apple farmer be so important to helping with a self-defense course? Maybe they learned she was one of the Elements? But if that was the case, then why were these others here?

“Ha, right; self-defense!” the instructor said, hopping up to the other side of the room. “Tonight, I will be teaching you all how to defend yourselves against fresh fruit.”

“Fresh fruit? How is that deadly?” Applejack asked.

The Sergeant looked at her with a serious face.

“What? You don’t think fruit can hurt someone!?” he yelled the rhetorical question. “What happens when someone pokes your eye out with a banana!? Or shoves a bunch of berries in your ear and makes you go deaf!? Or throws an apple at your head and gives you a concussion!?”

“What about a real weapon, like spears?” the other mare asked. “I’m a little more scared of them.”

“A pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh. We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you eh?” the instructor mocked, getting in the group’s face. “Well I'll tell you something my lad; when you're walking home tonight and some great homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me!”

“Well, I think you might be over-”

“Right!” he interrupted. “Speaking of bananas, that is where we will begin tonight’s lesson.”

He picked up a banana from the table behind him and tossed it to the blue stallion, who caught it in surprise.

“How to defend yourself from a man armed with a banana,” the Sergeant began. “Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. First of all you force him to drop the banana; then, second, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him helpless.”

“What if he’s got a bunch of bananas?” the stallion asked.

“Shut up!”

“What if he’s got a pointed stick?” the mare asked.

“Shut up!” he yelled. “Right, you! Come at me with that banana!”

The stallion held it awkwardly in his hooves and began to nudge forward.

“No! No! No! You imbecile!” he yelled at the stallion. “Put something into it for God’s sake!”

"Like uh… this?” the stallion asked, holding it more like a knife.

“That’s more like it!” he said. “Now start screaming! Act like you’ve actually got a fight on your hands. Come on! Come on! Come on then; attack me with it!”

The stallion screamed at the top of his lungs and ran at the Sergeant. As he was closing the distance, the Sergeant grabbed a gun from the table and fired a real-life bullet directly into the fake attacker. He immediately fell to the floor, much to the shock of the rest of the group.

“Now, I eat the banana!” the instructor said, doing so as he looked at the stunned faces of the remaining ponies.

“What happened!?” Applejack yelled.

“I have now eaten the banana!” the instructor announced triumphantly over the body of his foe. “He is now helpless!”

“He’s dead, you killed him!”

“Why would you kill him!?” the remaining brown stallion asked.

“Of course I had to kill him. He was coming at me with a banana!” the instructor claimed.

“But you told him to do that.”

“He was selected for this because he was a farmer of this deadly weapon,” he said, swallowing the last bites of the banana. “He knew full well the power he had.”

“But did you have to kill him?” Applejack asked.

“How else are you supposed to stop a man attacking you with a banana?”

“Couldn’t you just knock it out of his hand?”

“Knock the banana out of your attacker’s hand?” the instructor asked. “Ha! And I suppose you also think you can jump out of the way of a flying orange! Why don’t you go test your little technique out on the streets!? I’ll make sure to bring plenty of fresh fruit to your funeral!”

“I just think there might be a less extreme way.”

“Look, I’m just doing my job,” the instructor claimed. “I have to teach you how to defend yourselves against fresh fruit!”

“And pointed sticks!” the red mare added.

“Shut up!” the Sergeant ordered.

“What if I’m attacked by a man with a banana and I don’t have a gun?” the remaining stallion asked.

“Then run for it,” he replied simply.

“Couldn’t you just call for help?”

“Yea, try doing that with a pineapple lodged down your windpipe!”

“What? A pineapple?”

“Pineapple!?” the instructor yelled, going into a combat stance. “Where is he!?”

“No, I just said pineapple.”

“Oh, phew. For a minute I thought that one had my number on it.”

“On the pineapple?”

“What!? Where!?”

“I just said pineapple again.”

“Oh, I see,” the Sergeant said, running a hand over his forehead in relief. “Right, that’s bananas then. Ready to move on the next thing?”
The group was silent.

“Right! Next up is the raspberry,” he said, holding one up. “Harmless looking thing, isn’t it?”

“I guess,” the remaining stallion answered, who then caught the raspberry tossed to him by the instructor.

“Then come at me with it!” the Sergeant yelled. “Come on! Do your worst with it! Be as vicious as you like with it!”

“No!”

“No? What do you mean no!?”

“You’re just going to shoot me.”

“Why would I do that?”

“Well, you shot him not a minute ago.”

“That was in self-defense,” the Sergeant reminded him. “I was teaching you how to defend yourself against fresh fruit.”

“And pointed sticks,” the mare added.

“Shut up!” he ordered. “Now come one, brandish that raspberry! Gimme hell!”

“Not unless you put the gun away,” the stallion argued.

“I don’t have a gun.”

“Yes you do!”

“Do not!”

“You just used it!” the stallion claimed in disbelief. “It’s on the table behind you!”

“Oh, that gun.”

“Get rid of it!”

“Oh fine,” he sighed, tossing the weapon away. “Now, how to defend yourself from a redcurrant… without a gun.”

“You were going to shoot me! I knew it!”

“I wasn’t.”

“Yes you were!”

“Oh quiet you! I can’t bloody well do it anymore, can I?”

“I… suppose not.”

“Right! So come at me! Come on! Come on!” the Sergeant edged him. “Come on you weed! You weed! Do your worst!”

The stallion charged forward as his predecessor had done, only to be crushed by a massive sixteen-pound weight that fell from the ceiling and flattened him.

“If anyone ever attacks you with a raspberry, just pull a lever and a sixteen ton weight will fall on him,” the instructor said wisely.

“How in the world did you get that thing up there!?” Applejack yelled in surprise.

“That part is going to be taught in next week’s course.”

“What if we don’t have one?”

“Well, that’s planning isn’t it? Forethought.”

“Where would we even get a wait?”

“Look Mrs… erm.. what was your name again?”

“Applejack.”

“Apple!? Where is it!? I’ll give that blighter a beating he won’t be forgetting!”

“No, my name is Applejack.”

“Oh, ok then,” he said. “Look, a sixteen ton weight is just one way of dealing with a raspberry killer; there are millions of others.”

“Like what?” the mare asked.

“Shooting him.”

“Suppose we don’t have a gun or a weight.”

“All right then, smarty pants, you come at me with a raspberry and I’ll show you another one.”

“No guns?” she asked.

“No.”

“No sixteen ton weights?”

“No.”

“And what about pointed sticks?”

“Shut up!”

“Anything else? Like maybe a bear trap on the floor or-”

“I swear I won’t even touch you this time,” the instructor said, giving his word.

“All right,” the mare said, nudging forward.

“Right, now don't rush me this time. Stalk me; do it properly. I'll turn my back. Stalk up behind me, close behind me, then in with the redcurrants!” he explained. “Right. Ok? Go!”

The mare began to creep up behind the Sergeant.

“Now the first thing to do when you're being stalked by an ugly mob with redcurrants is to… release the tigers!”

He did so, releasing several of the large cats from a door near him. They quickly singled out the poor mare, who realized it was best to run. She did her best, with the two large tigers following her closely, growling angrily.

“The great advantage of the tiger in unarmed combat is that he eats not only the fruit-laden foe, but also the redcurrants,” the Sergeant explained. “Tigers however do not relish the peach; the peach assailant should be attacked with a crocodile.”

Applejack was the only one left now, shaking in fear in her spot.

“Now then, the final course of the day will be defense against apples!”

“No!” she shouted from the fear.

“What do you mean no?”

“I-I’m not going to do anything!”

“Why not?”

“You’re just going to hurt me! I ain’t doing anything!”

“Oh stop being such a pansy!” he said, tossing her an apple.

Her tail caught it out of instinct.

“Now are you going to attack me or will I have to take the offense role?”

“I guess that depends on what you’re planning to do.”

“I’ll show you once we begin.”

“No tigers or anything that’ll eat me?”

“No, no animals, booby traps, or guns,” he said. “Now come on! Come on you divvy! You useless rubbish! You’re supposed to use these things to make a living? You useless twat!”

The Sergeant did have a way getting his opponent worked up, and before Applejack could think she was charging towards him with the apple in her tail; although, she really was not sure of what to do with it. As she got close, she remembered the others and quickly stopped short. As she did so, she witnessed the Sergeant Major putting on a large tank with a hose that ran up to a gun-like nozzle. He pointed it in her direction and she quickly realized it was a flamethrower. He fired several streams of fire in her direction, and Applejack was almost certain she would not make it out. Luckily, she did; running up the stairs and out of the now burning building.

“And that, class,” the instructor yelled, “is how to defend yourself against fresh fruit!”

Author's Note

My apologies if this one seems rushed or contains an error here or there or any other problem. Let's just say life kinda went to hell without warning while I was writing this one and I had to jump to catch things before they fell off the cliff; I'm still tied up in some real work for now, so don't expect any kind of schedule, or even close-together updates, till things sort out. Sorry.

Self Defense against Fresh Fruit sketch from Monty Python's Flying Circus: Requested by Darth Arcaneus, Seether00, and several others.

The Royal Guards Take Lessons from the British Army's Kamikaze Scotsmen

There is never really such a thing as too much training. Whether it is with an instrument, in driving a vehicle, performing a certain task, there is always something to expand on. Even when one thinks they may have perfected their practice, there is always something new to learn.

This is especially true in the case of a military formation. With their jobs being the most important, they need to come as close to perfection, knowing any and every technique used in their field. The group in the spotlight for this day’s training would be the Equestrian Royal Guards.

Most of the time they got the job done, and usually done well, but there was room for improvement, especially with their new friends coming into play. There was, quite literally, an entire new world of work to look into, for which they were ill-prepared. Still, they had to start with something, and the British Royal Army was going to be kind enough to get them started.

The only catch was that the British would be showing them a new technique, top secret experiments that they were putting high hopes on. Only a very small group of Guards were allowed to come, along with their Captain. That was why Captain Shining, Flash Sentry, and a handful of other Guards had come to England, in hopes of starting off some good relations with their new friends.

“Right, here we are,” the driver of the Army truck announced in his Scottish accent. “This is where you lot get off.”

"Thank you,” Shining Armor replied as the group of ten piled out of the truck.

Once they were all out, thee truck started down the road again, leaving them in front of a large castle.

"So this is Edinburgh Castle?” Flash asked, looking at the gigantic structure that watched over the Scot capital city of Edinburgh. “It’s not too bad.”

“More than just that, it’s downright incredible,” another Guard commented. “I’ve read so much about this place.”

"And yet you can’t even pronounce it right.”

“E-din-berg.”

“No, no, you have to silence the last part,” another said. “E-din-buruh….I think.”

“Alright, enough chatter,” Captain Shining ordered. “Let’s get going.”

As the group began making their way to the castle, they noticed a figure standing on the battlements, playing music from his bagpipes, the sound of which filled most of the area. The player took a few steps back, disappearing from their sights. They were about to continue on into the castle itself when they heard a loud yell and looked up to see the bagpipe player throw himself off the top of the battlements of the castle, falling quickly and hitting the ground hard in front of them.

“Whoa! What was that about!?” Flash yelled. “Did he just he kill himself!?”

“Correction, kamikazied himself,” a voice said.

They looked back up to see a soldier of the Royal Army, wearing the rank of a Sergeant Major, with a small mustache, blue pants, black beret, and a light-brown shirt with a red stripe running across.

“He what?”

“You’re the group of Guards we’ve been expectin’, right?” he asked.

“Yes, that’s us,” Shining replied, still in a state of confusion and shock, along with most of the others.

“Well, come this way and I’ll be happy to explain things.”

The Sergeant Major led them back into the castle, with the Guards each trying to avoid the corpse by as far as possible without being overly-dramatic.

“You see Captain; this castle here is our secret training base for our newest batch of elite soldiers, the Queen’s Own Kamikaze Highlanders,” he explained.

"Wait, what does Kamikaze mean?” one of the other guards asked.

“It means the troops are trained to hurl themselves at a critical target and destroy it.”

“You mean a suicide attack!?”

“Don’t worry on it, the regiment is made entirely of volunteers,” the Sergeant Major said. “And we have the highest hopes in our group.”

The Sergeant Major lead the group up into the highest part of the castle, just in time to see yet another Highlander jump off the walls. The room also had a handful of other Scotsmen, waiting their turn to jump. As the Guards walked in, they halted the program to begin their new mission.

“I’m sorry, I’m just having a tough time understanding all this,” Shining said.

“Oh, trust me Captain; our training program is one of the best in the world,” the Sergeant Major said proudly. “Why it’s so effective, that we’ve gone from thirty-three recruits to a dozen in three weeks.”

Shining looked at the group of Scotsmen with a confused glance.

“How come you all are so eager to do this?” he asked.

“Well, the pay is good,” one answered.

“Oh, and the waterskiing!” another added happily.

“Right then, let’s get on with your training,” the Sergeant Major said, referring to the Guards. “I believe you’ve already seen a demonstration earlier.”

“Right,” Shining said cautiously. “And…what exactly do you want us to do?”

“Oh it’s quite simple,” he explained. “Simply step up to the plate, take a good look at what your targeted landing is, get a good running start, and take a good strong leap off the walls.”

“I… think there might be some… misunderstanding,” Shining said, now trying to desperately avoid the exercise. “I’m uh… sure we can uh… find another way too-”

“Nonsense, this is some of the best trainin’ you’ll find,” one of the Scotsmen said. “Why our Kamikaze instructor was so good that ‘e never even left Tokyo airport!”

“Right, that’s the kind of attitude we need from a Kamikaze Highlander,” the Sergeant Major proclaimed proudly. “Now, would anyone like to volunteer to go first?”

All of the Guards shifted back a bit, trying to stay out of sight, and Shining becoming more and more desperate by the second.

“I-I think we-”

“I’ll go first,” Flash said confidently.

“Flash, are you insane!?” Shining asked, pulling him aside.

“Captain, did you forget I had wings?” he asked. “I’ll just fly off.”

“Flash, something will-”

“Right then, always nice to have a volunteer!” the Sergeant Major said, leading Flash over to the edge. “Now remember what I said; focus hard on where you want to land.”

“Yep, sure, got it,” Flash replied plainly.

He was about to leap over the edge and fly off when the British Sergeant grabbed a hold of him.

“Hold up, this one here’s got wings,” the Sergeant Major observed. “Sapper MacDonald!”

“Aye sir!” the Scotsman said, running up to him.

“Alright, let’s give these wings a good shattering,” he ordered, grabbing a firm hold on one of them. “One two and three!”

“What-AAAAAAHHHHH!”

Flash yelled and jerked as the bones in both wings broke and fell limply by his sides, completely useless.

“Nicely done! Over the top then, mate!”

“W-wait! Hang on!”

The two humans did not listen, picking up the pegasus and throwing him over the edge. With his wings useless, he fell like a rock, hitting the ground with a hard thunk. The sound made the remaining Guards wince.

“Ah, he didn’t control himself, missed the area by a mile; he’s not cut out for it,” the Sergeant Major observed. “Alright, who wants the next go?”

The remaining Guards were totally silent, shaking a bit in fear.

“Ah, I see; you all have a bit of jump fright, eh?” he said, simply. “Let’s see now, five of you left and five of our trainees left.
Ah, here’s an idea;you’ll all get a jump buddy!”

“W-what?” Shining stuttered, not really sure of what to do.

“Right, cadets! Each of you grab one of these poor sods and take them over the side with you! It’ll be a good chance to demonstrate some comradeship!”

“Aye sir!” they replied, each taking an individual Guard and beginning to leap over the edge.

“Not too shabby, eh Captain?” the Sergeant Major asked. “Would you like to participate in a training routine?”

“No!” Shining yelled, finally snapping. “You’re completely insane.”

“I understand, most people who don’t do the training don’t understand,” he replied.
“Sapper MacDonald, you go ahead and assist the Captain!”

“Yes sir!” the Scotsman replied, grabbing his horn with one arm to stop the magic and using the other to lift him up and drag him across the room.

“Oh no no no!” Shining yelled as he was dragged over. “Ahhhhh!”

The Sergeant Major looked over at the results.

“By God, Captain; you hit it right on the nose!” he yelled down to the unicorn.

“T-T-Thanks,” he stuttered, miraculously alive from landing on top of the Sapper.

“Course, there’s always room for improvement,” the Sergeant Major continued. “I’ll send someone down and we can try again as soon as you’re back up here! You’ll make Kamikaze black belt before you know it!”

Author's Note

The Kamikaze Scotsmen from Monty Python's Flying Circus.

One of the more obscure sketches that I wanted to bring attention to, and one of the original ideas. I'll probably do a few of these to add in some more unexpected fun.

I decided to leave out the other parts about the 'no time' and whatnot, mainly because it just didn't have anything to do with the premise. But, it's still a great premise.

P.S. something's up with the spacing here and there that looks like I hit enter once too many, or something like that. I'm sorry about it, but I can't figure out exactly what's wrong, so I'll try my best to space it around so it doesn't look awkward. Thanks for reading.