Friendship is Bananas

by Eros

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Random, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 918

When Twilight Sparkle has a problem, Princess Celestia has some fun. Just not the kind every pony would agree with.

Inspired by Friendship is Magic Beeytch
Princess Celestia just wants to know if Twilight likes bananas. I mean, that's all that really matters, right?

Warning: Certain material in this fiction may be insensitive to:
People who lost a childhood pet.
People who think Twilight Sparkle matters.
People who are unable to read.

Cover by atomicazure.

I don't know why I wrote this, really I don't

Published 2014-01-12 05:20:07 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-12 05:20:07 UTC

Banananananas

"Her majesty's royal court is now open!"

The warm sunlight gently streamed trough the massive stained glass windows depicting six ponies nobody gave a shit about.

Twilight Sparkle hesitantly trotted into the stone cold throne room. You may have thought that she was hesitant because she was in awe of royalty, but in reality, it took all her brainpower simply to place one hoof in front of the other, to say nothing of deciphering complex social interaction.

There, in front of her very eyes, was the most beautiful mare in all of Equestria. Her mane soft and shimmering, her wings spread and regal, her horn awesome and majestic. Her very existence radiated sheer authority.

Oh, and above her sat Princess Celestia.

Giving a smile and nod of acknowledgement to the Princess of the Night, the unicorn prodigy turned her attention to her teacher.

"Princess" she bowed.

"Twilight Sparkle, I certainly didn't expect to see you here. What can I help you with?" That veil of kindness barely masked the troll within. Twilight continued.

"Princess, the Grand Galloping Gala will be coming up soon." Celestia nodded, while fighting the urge to grin.

"Yes, I believe I sent you two tickets. Did you get them?" Twilight blushed. She wasn't used to thinking.

"Yes, I got them. But that's the problem. I have four friends, all of whom I would love to have accompany me." Princess Celestia seemed confused.

"But Twilight, I thought you had five friends?" Twilight rolled her eyes, using up at least thirty kilobytes of her internal RAM (which was a whopping 1 megabyte to begin with).

"Well, Applejack doesn't really count. Nopony cares about her anyway. She's kind of like that weird cousin your parents feel sorry for and always invite to your birthday. The one that does nothing but sit in the corner and eat frosting. She seems harmless, so you let her stay, but she'll never really be a part of your friends."

"And why do you need my help?" The princess's voice was filled with kindness. It almost sounded like she really cared about Twilight's problem.

"Well, I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but two tickets aren't enough. I'm worried that if I pick one pony over another, my friendships may be ruined." Celestia's gaze became thinner than a piece of soft butter being pushed through a pinhole, only not as interesting. Luna began to look worried.

"Are you saying that you don't like the way I run my country?" At this, Twilight gasped.

"No Princess, that's not-"

"So you don't think I'm suited for the task of managing a nation?"

"Please Princess, that isn't wh-"

"Do you think you could do a better job yourself?"

"No Princess, please. I just don't want to-"

"Are you trying to USURP ME!?"

"No, I-"

Celestia cut her off with a sigh. Reaching behind her ornate throne, built from the stolen taxes of a kingdom of magical talking equines, she pulled out a brown paper bag. The kind your father brings home late at night and tells you not to look in, which you do, expecting to find Christmas presents and instead finding the emaciated corpse of your pet turtle. Luna struggled to stay silent.

"How about we all just calm down and have some bananas? Do you like bananas?" She reached a hoof into the bag.

"Wait, what?" Twilight's brain was incapable of comprehending the pure awesomeness behind Princess Celestia's words. Most ponies were.

"I said, do you like bananas?"

"I...I guess so?" Princess Celestia leaned back in her glorified chair smugly.

"So you're a bitch who likes bananas?"

"Princess, I don't really-"

"Are you a bitch who likes bananas?" Twilight's mind was near breaking point.

"I-"

"Are you a bitch who likes bananas?" said the irresponsible pony in charge of a life giving cancerous source of light, capable of destroying all life on the planet with a thought, proving that every single day anypony lived was granted only by her grace and mercy.

"Princess Celestia, I don't understa-" Reaching into the bag, Celestia revealed a gun-like device, similar in shape to a megaphone, only not as riot-inducing. Pointing the device at Twilight, she summoned a look of disappointment, the kind that grew from a seed of resentment, planted and nurtured by being forced to endure century after century of boring banality.

"You disappoint me Twilight. Are you or are you not a bitch who likes bananas? Somepony so out of touch with herself (giggidy) could never be my student."

The sunlight dimmed as the marble beneath Twilight hooves trembled.

"Twilight Sparkle, you are to write me a one billion word essay on your undying love for bananas, and you will be doing so..."

With those words, a striped cannon appeared underneath Twilight Sparkle, causing her to fall into it's cavernous depths.

"ON THE MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNN AHHHH AHHHHH"

The cannon launched the bewildered unicorn millions of miles away, allowing her to land perfectly on the shard of dead rock these idiot ponies believed was worthy of their attention, because why the fuck not?" Twilight, being the notoriously stupid  mare she was, was still trying to figure out Princess Celestia's first question, and was having no luck, as the words of an immortal being consumed with boredom and power are often rather difficult to figure out, even for someone who's IQ isn't in single digits.

A couple of weeks later, having fully analyzed the situation, Twilight Sparkle came to a sudden realization.

"Princess Celestia is really mean!"