Three Idiots in Equestria
“Say it again, I dare you. I fucking dare you to - ”
“This is all your fault! If you hadn’t - Argh!” There was the sound of something heavy hitting the ground. “You punched me!”
“Did you have to do that?” asked a third voice.
“Hey, I warned him.”
Twilight Sparkle let out a groan as she rolled over, trying to shut out the noise coming from downstairs. She didn’t know why those three stallions had decided that her library was the best place for an argument. As she pulled her pillow over her head, she suddenly realised that there was no reason for anypony to be in the library. Upon this realisation, she threw off her covers and, with a bright flash of light, teleported downstairs.
“Let’s try and figure out where we - WOAH!” The speaker was interrupted when a bright flash of light came from right in front of him
“You are going to tell me what you are doing in my house right... now...” The words died as they came from the unicorn’s mouth as she looked at the strange beings she had just been yelling at.
They were not, as she had assumed, stallions. Instead, all three looked as though somepony had taken the basic body shape of her dragon assistant Spike, removed the tail, stretched it until it was about six feet tall while still keeping things in proportion, made the face flat and put a small amount of hair on their heads. They were also completely clothed, with barely any bare skin. In a way, they actually reminded her of the Diamond Dogs that had taken Rarity. However, her observations weren’t exactly conclusive as all three of them were rolling on the ground in pain, clutching their faces.
“My eyes...” one of them moaned.
“I can’t see, I can’t see!” one of them screamed.
“Ow,” the third one said.
“Um, sorry?” Twilight said as she looked at each of them. She saw that they were all different. One had hair the colour of sand, while the others was the colour of dirt. Their clothing was partly uniform: what was covering their legs seemed to all be made of the same material, but the clothing covering their torsos and parts of their arms were all different colours.
“No, it’s okay. Don’t know where you got a flash-grenade...”
“What?”
“I’m talking about the...” The creature, this one with a red article of clothing covering its upper body, removed its hands from its face and blinked as it stared at Twilight. “What.”
Twilight took a step back as the creature stared at her. “What?”
“Did one of you slip me something?” it asked the others.
“What are you talking about?” the one with sandy hair asked, still on the ground. “Why would we slip you anything?”
“Why else would I be seeing a talking purple unicorn thing?”
“Hey!” Twilight said loudly. “I have a name, you know!”
“Yes, I’m sure the purple unicorn... does...” The sarcasm filling the blonde’s voice died as it saw Twilight. “Oooooookay...”
“What the fuck is going on?” the third one asked, this one’s clothing having the words “FBI Female Body Inspector” on it in large letters.
“How did you get in my library?”
“You own this place?” asked the first to recover.
“Yes, and my name is Twilight Sparkle.” There was a brief moment of silence before her three uninvited guests burst into laughter. “What?” she asked, looking around in confusion. “What’s so funny?”
“Twilight... Sparkle!” one of them managed to choke out. “Oh god!”
“Bwahahahaha!”
“I can’t... I can’t breathe!” the sandy-haired one managed to say, clutching their sides.
Twilight was quite fed up with what was going on, and decided to take matters into her own hooves. She gritted her teeth and called her magic, changing the mouths of the laughing idiots (why she started thinking of them that way, she wasn’t sure) into closed zippers, much to their alarm.
“MMHMM!?” The one with the ‘FBI’ shirt tried to say.
“Now,” Twilight said, her voice dangerously quiet, “we are going to have a civilised conversation and you will not make fun of anypony’s names.” She looked around, failing to notice the fearful looks she was receiving. “Am I clear?” All three nodded. “Good.” With a flash of her horn she gave them back their mouths.
“That was scary...” one of them muttered.
“Now then, who are you? And what are you?”
The one with the tasteless shirt stepped forwards. “We are The Knights Who Say... Ni!” Then the sandy-haired one stepped behind him and brought a closed fist down on his head, an act that made Twilight cringe. “Ow! Fuck! What was that for!?”
“She said civilised conversation, you ass-hat!” his assailant yelled. “And what’s the point in making Monty Python jokes here? No-one will get any of them!”
“Fine...” he muttered, rubbing where he had been hit. “Anyway, I’m Peter.”
“Nick,” the violent one said.
“Jordan,” the third one said, looking around. “Why do you live in a library, anyway?”
“Jordan, don’t you think the fact we’re talking to a magical unicorn is a bit more important?” Nick asked, holding the thumb and forefinger of his right hand a fraction of a centimeter away from each other, as if to emphasize his point.
“Right,” Jordan said absentmindedly, pulling a random book off a shelf. He flipped a few pages before shutting it and putting it back. Twilight simply stared at the group, trying to make sense of... everything.
Somewhere far from Ponyville, a strange creature brought its clawed hand to its face in frustration. “Great,” it growled, “absolutely perfect. I bring a group of complete simpletons through!”
Author's Notes:
Holy crap there is actual plot. Bet no-one saw that one coming.
I took the names from three of my best friends. I hope they don't mind.
And you can actually buy shirts that say "FBI Female Body Inspector". I've seen them.
Three Idiots in Equestria
“The town is really called Ponyville?”
“Yes,” an exasperated Twilight answered. She had no idea why that, of all possible things, was bogging them down. They had accepted magic, along with the fact that they were talking to a unicorn, quite readily, which stunned her.
Nick turned to his friends. “Gentlemen, it is now official. We are trapped in a little girl’s TV show.”
“Fuuuuuuuuck,” Jordan said, running his hands through his hair.
“Could be worse,” Peter said after thinking it through. “After all, we could be on the Death Star just as Luke is making the trench run.”
“Good point,” Jordan replied, pointing at his friend.
“Or in Minas Tirith when Sauron launched a full-scale attack on it.”
“That too...” Jordan’s tone shifted to one of worry.
“Or we could be in the Citadel when the Reapers are attacking.”
Jordan just glared at Peter. “You done?”
“Or we could be in Vault 13 when the Enclave - ”
“I get it, I get it! Things could be much worse. Let’s leave it at that.”
“Or maybe on Alderaan when - ”
“Death Star? Reapers?” Twilight asked, worried about what kind of monsters she was playing host to.
“Both of you, shut it,” Nick said. “I’m trying to think here.”
“Do you have any idea how you got here?”
“Well, those idiots decided that it would be a good idea to argue with the pizza delivery man,” Nick said, gesturing behind him with a thumb at Peter and Jordan, who were coming close to blows. “After that, there was a flash, a bang and here we were.”
“That’s it?” the unicorn asked, doing her best to ignore the yelling coming from behind her. “You don’t know how?”
“He was a wizard!” Jordan yelled out.
“Why would a wizard be delivering pizza?” Peter asked, his argument with Jordan temporarily forgotten.
“Because everyone needs money, even wizards,” Jordan responded as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.
Nick just stared. “Are you both retarded? He was not a wizard.”
“And how do you know that?” Jordan asked commandingly.
“Because we don’t have magic back on Earth, you complete dick!”
“That’s what you think,” Jordan said as he narrowed his eyes and pointed a finger at his friend.
Twilight Sparkle had long since given up on attempting to understand what was going on. She simply found it easier to just watch and stop the three humans (as they had identified their species) from brutally murdering each other. As she shook her head, she noticed what time it was. “Oh no!” she exclaimed suddenly. “Spike’s meant to be coming home soon!”
“Spike?” Peter said, eyebrow raised.
“You have a boyfriend?” Jordan asked.
“A - No! He’s my assistant!” Twilight answered angrily. Why did they jump to that conclusion?
“Riiiight. Assistant,” Jordan said knowingly, giving the mare a wink.
Twilight narrowed her eyes, the only warning the human got. One moment, he was leering at the pony. The next, he was flying at high speed into a bookshelf. The moment after that, he was on the ground surrounded by literature, his head feeling as though he had sat next to an open-air concert’s speakers during the entirety of Dragonforce’s Fury of the Storm. It hurt.
“Now then,” Twilight said calmly as she trotted over. “You are going to act civilised. You are going to act polite. You will in no way insinuate that my relationship with my assistant is anything beyond professional. Am I clear?” As she said all this, her horn was glowing and something in her eyes seemed to indicate that she would like nothing more than to inflict more pain on him.
Jordan nodded, scared by the sudden change in demeanour. She had seemed so calm and rational, and this aggression seemed... well, not unprovoked, but certainly excessive.
“Good.” Twilight then pointed her horn at the books and put them back onto the shelf, muttering angrily to herself. Peter and Nick simply stared.
“Jordan,” Nick said slowly, “do me a favour and never piss off the unicorn again.”
“What’s the bet she could turn your blood into molten lead or something?” Peter said rather cheerfully. “What?” he asked in response to the three shocked stares he received. “I never said I wanted to see it happen.”
Before any of them could answer the door opened. “Twilight, I’m... back...?”
The small dragon looked around at the miraculously clean library in shock. The fact that it was clean was not the reason, but it was certainly close: Twilight, despite her OCD, couldn’t keep a room clean if her life depended on it. The reason was the three strange bipedal figures, one of whom was sitting against a shelf. “Twilight, why are there three shaved Diamond Dogs in here?”
“A Diamond what-now?” Nick asked.
“We’re not dogs!” Jordan retorted angrily.
“Quite!” Peter said in a mock-haughty accent. “I am the Thin White Duke! That,” he pointed a finger at Nick, “is Ziggy Stardust and he,” he pointed another finger at Jordan, “is Halloween Jack.”
Spike just stared. Nick glared at Peter. “One more joke like that and I promise you that I will make you eat your nose.”
“I’d like to see you try,” the blond figure retorted confidently.
As they started to bicker, Jordan stepped close to Spike, who took a step back. The way the figure towered over him scared the dragon. “He’s your assistant?” he asked, the question directed at Twilight. “It’s a talking lizard.”
“Hey! I’m a dragon!” Spike said angrily, momentarily forgetting his fear.
“And I’m a member of a savage, warlike species that has committed countless atrocities since my kind figured out that hitting each other with rocks hurts,” he replied in a dead monotone. The way he said this had the benefit of making what he had said quite unbelievable, just as he had wanted.
Spike blinked. “Suuuuure,” he said, drawing the word out. He turned looked around Jordan when the sounds of fighting could be heard. “Are they okay?”
“They’ll be fine,” Jordan replied with a wave of his hand. There was a crunch behind him. “I think.”
Author’s Notes:
References! References everywhere!
This is more of “shits and giggles” as opposed to my other stories. Expect much stupidity from the humans!
Also, the plot will happen. I just have no idea when.