"Nope!"
That was all Big Macintosh could state as he dragged his hooves into the dirt to no avail as he tumbled head over hooves into the time warp. He really shouldn't have stopped to look at the science exhibit, he really shouldn't have. After all of his experiences, he knew it was a bad idea to even think of going to a science exhibit. But then again, since when did common sense avail him at all these days?
The day started out so good, going out into the yard to fix the squeaky floorboards when he discovered he was out of nails. A quick jaunt into Ponyville, however, turned into a huge production, as everything seemed determined to waylay him from here to the hardware tent. If it wasn't for the delicious food he had encountered, it was his undeniable curiosity when he saw a out of the way tent labelled "science fair". At least five of the items he could identify weren't working, but what did work violated every time travel rule they had, when a time warp opened up in front of him. In retrospect, Professor Whinny Farmsworth was probably the most crackpot of the crackpot-y of all mad scientists. There was a reason why UNIT didn't employ him.
Just a little peek, the aged Professor had asked him to do. Just one little peek into the time warp. Of course, it would be perfectly safe, but there was always a chance of it going horribly, horribly wrong. And this counted as horribly wrong.
Time warps, he reflected, had similar appearance to ground-bridges, but at the same time, he was unable to control where he was going. In all, it kind of felt like the Doctor had been driving his infernal machine without a co-pilot again. Flailing around, all he could think of was one phrase going through his head: "I just wanted some nails today."
Instead what he got was "Nope, nope, nope!"
THUD, went his body against the grass as he hit the ground with a dazed spin of his eyes. Well, the grass was still green, it wasn't mutant red or blue or even a ugly shade of puce. That was a good start. It smelled the same, if for the slightly acidic tang of metal in the air.
Getting to his hooves, Big Mac toggled his harness and spoke into it. "UNIT come in." Static answered him and he tapped his harness again. "UNIT respond?"
That was strange. Even on the most basic levels of communication, he should have been able to get to UNIT since they had been active for the last fifty years. Tapping his radio again, he got a bunch of squeals and squawks as he adjusted the dial, frowning. "Nope." He twisted it all the way to maximum power and sighed. There was no radio signals, not even a peep. Either that, or everything was completely shielded. Looking around, he frowned. This was Ponyville all right, but when? If UNIT wasn't responding, then he could be a long time away from his usual timeframe. His usual work gear came with him, but he tapped the communications and got answering static once more.
Big Mac flicked his ears in annoyance. This wasn't how he wanted the day to go; all he wanted was some nice peace and quiet, some work done on the farm, and no mutant apes attacking him from above—wait, what?
Big Mac stepped to the side as a mutant ape with a large laser rifle slammed into the ground head first. Big Mac took a moment to ponder that, and declared, "Nope!"
More mutant apes slammed to the ground, some of them recovering faster than the others. Again, Big Mac declared, "Nope!" And took off for Ponyville as fast as his legs could carry him with a pack of angry howling mutant apes on his behind. That's when they started shooting and he started dodging wildly.
Well, that don't beat all, he thought to himself, ducking behind a water trough as the apes stormed into town, hooting and hollering angrily. Big Mac took a cue from Pinkie Pie and ducked into a hay bale as the mutant apes hollered angrily, swinging their guns around like clubs, and he let out a sigh when they passed by. "Yep," he stated, a little too loudly as every mutant ape looked at the hay bale. Realizing his cover was blown, he dove out of the hay bale seconds before laser blasts ripped the hay apart.
This is getting ridiculous, thought Big Mac to himself as he ran for it. Pausing at a water trough, he flipped it up into his hoof and hurled it into the crowd, knocking them aside like ten pins. The mutant apes howled angrily, enraged as they tried to fire on Big Mac, but a hissing of steam from the guns could be heard as several of them exploded in their hands, knocking them aside.
Sneaking around the corner of a house, he had a moment to exhale before a pair of arms wrapped around him, and dragged him into a house. He had one moment to let out a "Nope!" before said owner hissed at him.
"You keep noping it up, buckaroo, and you'll attract every mutant ape from here to Fillydelphia!" exclaimed the owner of the voice, a pretty mare with green skin and her mane in tight braids. Adjusting to the light, he realized that Ponyville was less advanced than he first thought, as a crowd of ponies were hiding in the house, and his own grandmother, at least twenty, maybe thirty years younger was glaring at him. She poked a hoof into his chest.
"Whatchu doin' here, stranger?" she hissed. "Dem mutants are attackin' our town! Even the Royal Guard can't deal with them, they keep comin' at us!"
"Now hold on, Granny," he started to say but Granny Smith smacked him one. "Ow!"
"I ain't your granny, buckaroo," snapped the young mare. "Listen, if you go out there you'll be sizzlin' fried pony in a sec. We've seen what them ray guns do to ponies when they get shot at." The others nodded in agreement. "They don't come into the houses but when they see a pony, it's too late fer them."
Big Mac opened his mouth again but Granny Smith cut him off again. "We've sent a message to Canterlot already. The Princess sent all of her Royal Guard out at 'em. They got clobbered good," scoffed Granny Smith. "They wuz our last hope an' the Princess has left us."
"Granny--," said Big Mac, only to get whacked. "Ow! Granny, ow!"
"Hush up, son, I ain't your Granny, even if that's my name. Who are you and why'd you come to Ponyville now?"
Big Mac bit his lip. It would hurt the timeline and Doc Whooves was always going on about the whole "Fixed Points" thing, but this was clearly an emergency. Sighing, he tapped his harness as it flipped over a panel to reveal the UNIT badge he had there. "Ah'm from Canterlot, ma'am. Big Macintosh, sent from UNIT to clear out these pesky apes."
For a long moment, the assembled ponies gave him disbelieving expressions. And then, like a switch had been thrown, one of the ponies exclaimed, "Princess Celestia came through for us! We're saved!"
A grand cheer went up in the house. The house shook and the keening of angry mutant apes could be heard before it stormed away, making the ponies all wince as one. "So, what's the plan then, G-pony?" inquired Granny Smith.
"First off is establishing contact with the Princess," said Big Mac, removing pieces of his harness and snapping them together. Opening a window, propellers emerged from the device and it flew up into the air, faster than the apes could shoot at them. "That should do for now."
"You and your fancy gizmos," remarked Granny Smith with a shake of her head. "Ah hope you know what you're doing..."
"So do I, Granny. So do I..."
After a few tense minutes of waiting, a beeping noise echoed from Big Mac's harness as he tabbed it. The sound of a old style radio could be heard for a moment, the crackling noise echoing in the room before he asked, "Hello?"
"Yes, hello," replied the voice. "This is a restricted channel, how in the world did you get on it?"
"Ah've got a message, an' this is an emergency," said Big Mac and the other pony on the other end scoffed.
"If you haven't noticed, Ponyville is under attack by mutant apes with blaster cannons. I would count that as a emergency already," snapped the owner of the voice. "Now, please get off our line before we cut you off."
"Listen to me," hissed Big Mac. "UNIT clearance 4, 4, 2, 3, 4, Doctor Whooves. I need to speak to the Brigadier General."
Silence on their end resounded for a few minutes before a new voice, older and gruffer came on. "This is the Brig. You know the Professor, then, I take it? Who is this?"
"A friend of the Doctor's from another time. I work for UNIT in the future, and with another group that'll soon come to light," replied Big Mac. "I need support down here for the mutant ape issue."
"Our people are looking into the mutant ape issue as we speak," replied the Old Brig. "But we need time before we can launch a counter offensive. Can you give us that time, Agent?"
"You have my word, Brigadier," replied Big Mac. "I'd swear on it, but you wouldn't get the reference."
"It's quite all right. I've had to do something called a Pinkie Promise once. Now then, what resources do you have with you?"
"Just my resource kit. I've got a few items, smoke bombs, communications and a ten foot pole," replied Big Mac.
"Not much. But the Professor did far more with a kettle and shoestring, last I heard," replied the Brig. "Delay them, save as many lives as you can. We will be sending reinforcements at dusk."
"Yes, sir," replied Big Mac. "Over and out."
Taking stock of what he had, he remembered something cousin Brayburn had once told him about fighting a war with pies. "How fast can you whip up some pies for me?" he asked.
"All we's got left is cherry," said a pony he didn't recognize, and he made a face.
"Cherry will do," he said, grossed out. "I'll need about five of them."
"You've got a plan there, G-pony?" inquired Granny Smith. To which Big Macintosh grinned.
"Eeeyup."
=====
The mutant apes had been yelling and hooting once the cooking fires had begun, and they were smacking the ground with sticks, stones and the butts of the rifles they carried. It was not a very intelligent move because a couple of them went off in their faces. Granny Smith checked the area and shivered as a laser blast sheared off a bit of the roof. "Are ya sure this'll work?" she asked of Big Mac.
"Eeyup," replied Big Mac. It had to work. He had briefed the Brig of his plan, and the catapults had been set up already. The pies had been cooked and he adjusted his harness, making certain that the pies he carried on his back were prepped and ready to go. "Now, y'all stay indoors till the Guard comes," he said softly. "An' be careful."
The apes hooted and hollered as Big Mac emerged from the house and hefted a pie, and with a mighty throw, flung it right at the nearest mutant ape. It howled in agony as the hot pie sizzled in its face and it clawed at its eyes, running around as the other apes howled madly.
"Yep," he said, gesturing in a 'come get me' motion before bolting towards the train station, a stampede of mutant apes following behind.
Lasers quickly rained down upon him, and he dodged quickly, long memories of being fired upon quickly coming to the fore. Any strays he rounded up with a slice of pie being hurled at their faces, and the enraged apes continued to follow him as he banked a corner and vaulted an ape which was charging right for him.
Extending the ten foot pole, he jammed it in between a pair of trees as he passed by, and the mutant apes collided with the trees with a screech of rage and pain. Pausing to make sure they were following, he hurled another pie at the lead ape, further enraging them.
That's it, come closer, he thought as he tabbed his collar quickly, charging up the valley pathway towards Canterlot. It wasn't too far away, a trip made easily in under an hour, but he only needed to go a few minutes up the valley path.
"Big Mac to UNIT, I'm in position," said Big Mac, firing the last of his pies at the apes, who trampled it under foot. "Ready when you are."
"Standby..." As Big Mac neared the castle walls which loomed in the distance, a literal cloud of pegasus ponies boiled out of the ramparts with nets as large chunks of confection and frosting were launched from ballistas. The huge balls of frosting smashed into the ranks, coating the apes and weighing them down as the pegasus ponies were then followed by the rest of the Royal Guard wielding spears.
The apes realized they were outwitted as Big Mac ducked behind a tree and watched the melee proceed. There were a few laser blasts going off but like he figured, the frosting had gummed up their weaponry. An old trick that Brayburn had taught him when dealing with rampaging opponents.
In short order, the last of the mutant apes were routed, and a resounding cheer went up in the Royal Guard as Big Mac emerged from his hiding spot. A stallion dressed in high ranking armor stepped up to him, and Big Mac saluted. The stallion smiled back at him, saluting back at him. "Well done, Agent. How did you manage to realize that frosting bombs would render their weapons useless?"
"A trick I learned from family, and a couple of friends in the field," replied Big Mac, shaking hooves with the Brigadier General. "It's good to be of help."
"Yes, well, if only we could be so lucky. Our previous helper, the Professor has moved on, no doubt on one of his myriad adventures. Are you certain you can't stay on as our tactical advisor?"
Big Mac smiled and shook his head. "Nope. Ah've got a farm to run back home. But if you ever need help, ah'll be there."
As if waiting for that moment, the time warp ripped a hole in reality as a frazzled pony stuck his head out. "Good news, everypony, I've fixed the time warp! You can come home now, Big Macintosh!"
"Brigadier General, everypony." Saluting, Big Mac stepped through the portal as the Old Brig smiled.
"UNIT. That sounds quite like the group I was getting together. I'll have to remember that."
=====
The time rift opened up as the Professor sheepishly helped Big Mac through the hole before it closed. "I'm really sorry about that," he apologized. "I wasn't aware my time warp inducer would do this. Perhaps I should see about working on that engine that moves the universe around it."
"Just get it looked at before you put it on the market," said Big Mac with an exasperated sigh. "I'm off to get some nails..."
As Big Mac left the tent, he could have sworn he saw himself stepping into the science fair exhibit again. He paused at the sound of a time warp ripping itself opening and he sighed.
"Nope."
Now... where was that hardware store? He still needed some nails.
Author's Note
Based on a throwaway line in Issue 9 of the MLP Comic. Thanks again to my tireless editor in chief to editing this out for me.
