Family Colt

by SketchPad101

Rating: teen
Tags: Crossover, Human, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other
Length: 2334

Quagmire goes to Equestria!

Quagmire, after death is sent to Equestria whether or not as punishment from death. So Quagmire must now live out his days in Ponyville wondering one question...Can he still bang?

Published 2014-01-12 03:10:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-12 03:10:04 UTC

The Banging Begins.... maybe?

Quahog, Rhode Island was an average sized town in America. The night air had a slight chill to it as it blew through the small streets on the outskirts of downtown. The sign at one particular intersection read "Spooner st.".

One of the houses opened the front door, revealing several beautiful blonde women exiting towards the street. All of them giggled as they walked down the sidewalk, "Bye Glen, that was an amazing time." one of them called.

From inside, a tall skinny man came out in a red flannel shirt spotted with yellow flowers across it. All he had covering his manhood was his standard leopard print briefs. He grinned as he bobbed his head back and forth, "he he, you girls stop by whenever you like for some more fun." Closing the door, Glen Quagmire walked back towards the bar he had set up in his living room. He casually went behind the counter and made himself another martini. Sipping on it, he caught his reflection in the mirror and couldn't help but smile, "Glen, you are one awesome son of a bitch."

He admired his abnormally large chin, which women were uncontrollably attracted to after talking with him. He had the charm to get any girl he wanted into a bed. His job as an airline pilot meant he got to travel and meet even more chicks. He had every kind of fantasy that every man around the world had. He was living the dream.

He chuckled to himself as he downed his glass. He reached over to pour some more, but frowned when he lifted the empty bottle. "Damn it. Gotta get another one." he cursed to himself. Looking back at the shelves of glass, he glared at the bottle he wanted at the very top shelf. Not wanting to go get a stool, he started to climb up the shelves to reach his prize. He stretched his arm out and wrapped his fingers around the neck of the bottle. "He he, allI riiigh- Ahh!"

He screamed as he felt his other hand lose its grip on the shelf below, causing him to fall backwards. He panicked, swinging his arms and trying to grab onto anything, but only caused a large mass of bottles to fall after him. As he went back, his neck struck the counter behind him with all of his weight. Immediately he felt a strange numbness come over him, overriding every sense that he had with a wave of pain. He blacked out before his body tumbled to the floor.

Moments later, Quagmire sat up from the ground all of a sudden. He didn't feel any kind of pain any more, "The hell was all that? Was it a dream?"

Nope. It definitely wasn't a dream." a voice said from his side.

Quagmire turned and to his shock saw a figure cloaked in black standing there. It had a scythe tucked in its arm as it stood there writing something onto a clipboard it was holding in its skeletal hands. "Who are you?" Quagmire questioned.

The figure looked at him, although the hood kept its face hidden in the shadows, "I'm Cleopatra. Who the hell do you think I am? I'm Death." it answered with total sarcasm.

Quagmire's eyes went wide at hearing its name, "What!? I'm dead?"

"Oh no, I just came by to see if you wanted to go hit up a club, meet some girls and all that jazz." Death responded in a cheery tone.

A grin spread across quagmire's face, "alright, that sounds like a plan."

Death's shoulders slumped over, "I'm joking. Jeez, you actually thought I was serious about that? Just look down."

"huh? What are you- Ahh!" Quagmire jumped up in the air as he stared down at himself, or another self on the ground, all twisted in a pile, with some blood around the mangled body under the large rack of alcohol bottles. "What- what the- what happened to me!?"

Death finished writing down his information down before talking again, "Well, you fell back and broke your neck on your counter. I swear, I guaranteed you were going down by rectal trauma any day."

Quagmire started pacing back and forth now, "No no, I can't die now. I'm still young!"

Death sighed "Technically you are sixty one years old. Crazy how your carrot diet actually works. It doesn't matter though, you were gonna die in a few years anyway."

"What?"

"Yeah; AIDS. You didn't think you could be with all those women and nothing had was gonna happen?" Death paused as he slipped the clipboard in his cloak, "Alright let's go. I heard there is someone who is going to shoot Justin Bieber after his concert tonight. I definitely don't want to miss the look on his face."

Quagmire dropped to his knees and put his hands together, "Please Death, I can't die now. I don't wanna go!"

"Quit whining, there's nothing I can do to put you back. Now get up."

"No, please! I don't wanna go to Hell!"

Death grunted and put a bony hand on the side of his head, "What is with everyone thinking you are doomed to eternal torment after you die? I don't know what idiot started that idea."

Quagmire tilted his head in confusion, "What? There is no place you go after you die?"

"Well, there is, but not like everyone says. You are given a new life in a different universe."

"A different universe? What do you mean? Like different people? What kind of universe do people go to?"

"There are tons of universes. Each one is different and would suit people differently. Hmm, now where should I send you?" Death started tapping his skull with his finger as he thought to himself, 'Disney universe? No, he would go crazy. Robot chicken? No, nobody likes that place anyway.' he then looked at the many pictures of girls set up on his mantle, the drinks, and the bed that was open on the side of the wall. An idea came to him.

"Alright, Glen Quagmire, I have chosen the world that you will live in. The majority of it’s population is composed of females, so you will likely enjoy it quite well." Death said. Lifting his arms out, he enveloped himself and Quagmire in a bright flash, vanishing from the house, and Earth itself.

It was a nice and sunny day in Equestria. Birds were chirping and a few clouds hung lazily in the air. Out on top of a small hill, six ponies were spreading an arrangement of Picnic materials out on a blanket.

A purple unicorn picked up her small basket of sandwiches and moved it to the side to make room for the rest of the food that her friends were bringing. She turned to see a cyan Pegasus with a rainbow mane flying over and dropping a bag of mixed fruit down. Twilight Sparkle smiled over at her friend, "Nice bag, Rainbow. Where did you get that?"

"Thanks Twi, I went over to Cloudsdale the other day, and they were giving out these mix bags out." Rainbow replied. She looked over to their yellow pegasus friend Fluttershy who was unwrapping a bowl of salad. Rainbow Looked curiously at the strange black balls floating around in the lettuce, "Hey, what are those things? Those aren't olives."

Fluttershy looked up through her pink mane, "Oh, these are new vegetables I just grew. I'm not sure what they are, but I know they do taste good."

"Oh no, the plates!"

All the ponies turned to see their white unicorn friend whipping her head around, her styles purple mane flipping back and forth. Rarity looked up wide eyed to her friends, "I forgot the plates. Of all the things that could have happened, this is the worst. Possible. THING!" Out of nowhere, Rarity pulled her red couch with her magic and fell back into it, "Why? Why? why!?"

"Uh, Rarity?" a orange earth pony with a brown Stetson topping off her yellow mane asked, "Why do ya bring that chair with ya anyway?"

Rarity opened her eyes and frowned at her friend, "Applejack darling, I had my coat groomed yesterday, and I can't get grass stains on it."

Applejack rolled her eyes at her stylish friend before turning around, only to be assaulted by a blast of streamers to her face, "Agh! What in tarnation?"

A bubbly pink pony with a canon was giggling at Applejacks response, "He he he! I saw you had a frown on your face, so I had to lighten it up with my party cannon!" Pinkie Pie then picked up the canon and flipped it behind her, somehow making it disappear altogether. Turning back around, she once again defied physics by bringing out an enormous cake from a tiny bag, "Here is the dessert for later!"

All of the others, including Applejack, chuckled at their crazy friend. Their fun time was cut short by a bright flash down behind a hill along the nearby path back to Ponyville. Twilight stood up to try to get a better look, but by the time she did, the flash was gone. "What was that?" she asked.

"Ah have no idea sugarcube." Applejack answered.

Fluttershy dropped to the ground and trembled, "M-Maybe it's a monster!"

"Come on, let's go check it out!" Rainbow yelled as she flapped up with her wings and took off toward the road.

"Rainbow!" Twilight called out, but was too slow to stop her brave friend. She looked back to the others, "Let's go see what it was girls."

The light around Quagmire disappeared, leaving him quite dazed. Staggering, he nearly lost his balance before catching himself. Glancing around, he found himself on a small dirt path in the middle of a green meadow. He looked over to Death, but was surprised to be eye level with the spirits waist. "Did I just shrink?"

Death gave a slight chuckle, "You may be surprised a bit. I mean with a new body and all."
Quagmire raised an eyebrow out of curiosity, "What are you talking about?"

"Here, take a look at yourself." Death replied as he slashed at the air with his scythe, creating a black mass of energy that solidified into a mirror. The round piece of glass floated over in front of Glen's face, allowing him to see his new self.

"What the hell is this!?" Quagmire screamed out.

He had somehow become a small pony with light tan fur. He still had on his normal red shirt over his body. He had a black tail hanging from his back end, the same color as his hair on top of his head, which was the same as it was before. His face was like a ponies, except he still had his extremely wide chin.

Flipping around, he glared up at Death, "What is this? I didn't want to be an animal."

"Calm down, alright?" Death responded, "This is what the dominant species in this world looks like. I have to make you resemble them for you to live here."

"Why can't I just start a new life as a human?"

"What are you high? No! Your soul can only live in one universe once. You have to move somewhere else."

Quagmire sat there open mouthed, unsure of what to say. He was told that he was to start a new life, but he never expected to become something totally different than what he was before. He looked back to Death in confusion, "What am I supposed to do now? I have nothing."

"Don't worry, I have to help set you up." Death snapped his fingers summoning a large bag of gold, "Aright, now in this world money is called bits. There is a town not far down this path called Ponyville. You can buy a home there to get settled down. If anyone asks, tell them you are from Manehatten and-"

"Wait a sec, hold up... What are they called?"

"Trust me, they are ponies, so they name stuff like horse things. Gay, i know. Now listen, you can do whatever you want in this world with your life. I honestly don't care. You must make sure that you don't mention that you were a human before. You are a pony now so get use to it."

"I picked this place because you are quite the ladies guy, and just so you know... Most of the ponies here are mares."

Quagmire's face suddenly lit up at that, "Now that you say that, this doesn't sound so bad."

The watch on Death's arm started ringing all of a sudden. He looked down at it and threw his other arm up in the air, "Crap! Bieber's concert just got over. Damn... He's probably already dead. Alright, gotta go. Perhaps I'll send that pretty boy over to the Godzilla universe. Ha ha, he's gonna hate having his home destroyed every week. Just what he deserves!" and in a flash, Death was gone.

Quagmire was left alone on the path now, in a new world and a new life. "Alright Glen, time to for a new start..." he paused for a moment and looked to the sky, "All my friends... I'll never get to see them again." he felt a small aching pain in his heart all of the sudden, knowing everything that he had before was gone now.

The sound of hoof steps behind him caught his attention. Turning around, he saw six other ponies on the path. Even though he just arrived, he could tell that they were all females. All of the feelings of loneliness seemingly vanished in an instant. 'I've been here for ten minutes and the chicks are already coming at me.' he happily thought to himself, 'I think I'm gonna like this place.

He grinned as he bobbed his head back and forth, "He he, alll riiight."