Twilight Sparkle groaned as she awoke. Her eyeballs hurt, she had a splitting headache, and a weight pressed down on her back. Gingerly, she opened her eyes. It seemed to still be night, and though her vision was blurry and it hurt to focus, she could at least tell she was outside.
Her mouth felt like it was stuffed with cotton. Smacking a few times, she struggled to get her hooves under her. Unfortunately, whatever was pressing down on her back kept her from moving, and the ground underneath her felt...strange.
Despite the terrible headache, she decided to risk teleporting. The buildup of magic in her horn was agony, but she managed to displace herself a full five feet. As soon as she rematerialized, she fell flat on her face. The cottony feeling in her mouth was mostly gone, along with the weight and the strange feeling underneath her.
She spent a few minutes collecting herself, then stood. The motion made her queasy, but she fought down the urge to puke and willed herself to look around. Her vision slowly cleared, but the sight she beheld made little sense.
She'd been lying out in the street. She looked behind her and saw Pinkie Pie sprawled out on the ground, snoring and drooling, with Rainbow Dash lying on top of her. Pinkie's tail was wet; frowning, Twilight spat out a mouthful of that cottony feeling; it turned out to be a few scraps of Pinkie's tail. "Bleah," she muttered.
It was still night, so the party couldn't have ended more than a few hours ago. She slowly trotted up the street, which was littered with the bodies of unconscious ponies, sprawled out in some of the most undignified poses imaginable. A sudden terrible pressure on her bladder made her wince. She trotted in place for a moment, looking around anxiously. Seeing that nopony was awake, she ducked behind a bush that looked like it needed watering.
Almost five minutes later, she decided the bush was good on water for a while and trotted back out into the street. Her headache wasn't nearly as bad as it had been when she awoke, but various dull aches and pains were creeping up all over her body, and her mind was full of fog.
Why had she been lying out on the street, the filling in a Rainbow Pie sandwich? Why had she had Pinkie Pie's tail in her mouth? The last thing she could remember...
The last thing she could remember...
There'd been a party, and all of Ponyville was toasting in the New Year with premium hard cider...
"Uuugh," she moaned.
A brown stallion crawled out from underneath the bush she had just irrigated. "Blimey, what smells like horse piss?" he groused.
Twilight winced, face flaming. Clearing her throat, she called out, "Aheh...hello, Time Turner. What...were you doing under a bush? That I...absolutely have no idea why it might smell like urine?"
Time Turner rose to his hooves, grimacing. "Oh...hello, Princess," he said. He looked up at the sky and frowned. "Why's it still dark out?"
"I guess it's still night," Twilight mused.
"No, it's half past nine in the morning," Time Turner replied absently, stroking his muzzle with a hoof. "What happened to the sun?"
"Are you...sure it's half past nine?" Twilight asked.
Time Turner rolled his eyes. "Really, Your Highness. Me, not know what time it is? To the hundredth of a second?"
"Fair enough," Twilight said. "So...why is it still dark?"
Time Turner shrugged. "Hell if I know. If I did, I wouldn't have asked." He looked around, blinking. "Whoa. Ponyville looks like a disaster area."
"Something tells me Pinkie Pie's 'It's A New Year To Cheer!' party got a little out of control," Twilight said. She rubbed her forehead. "The last thing I remember was toasting the end of the year with cider..."
"Oh, yeah, the toast," Time Turner said. "I didn't have any of the cider. I don't much care for hard spirits."
Twilight frowned. "You mean...you didn't get drunk?"
"Drunk? Goodness, no. But at exactly 12:00:14.53, there was an explosion. That's the last thing I remember before waking up in that bush." He frowned. "If I ever find out who peed on me while I was out cold, I'll show them just how slowly time can pass."
Twilight grimaced. "You said there was an explosion?"
"I expect it was a misfire over at the fireworks display," Time Turner said. "Only a few fireworks went off properly before the explosion. It happened fairly close to the main clock..." He gasped. "The clock! If you'll excuse me, Your Highness!" Without waiting for a reply, he galloped off into the heart of Ponyville.
Twilight debated following him, but decided to continue searching the town. She must have already been spectacularly smashed before the explosion, because she didn't even remember the fireworks. Or the midnight countdown, for that matter. As she surveyed the slumbering ponies scattered about the dark street, she mused upon the extreme unlikelihood that the explosion Time Turner reported could account for all of the downed ponies.
A short trot later, she found Rarity, who had curled up on her fainting couch to sleep in the middle of Stirrup Street. For some reason, Rarity was wearing Sweetie Belle as a hat.
"Twilight! Help! I'm glued to this stupid hat!" Sweetie cried out as Twilight approached.
Twilight raised an eyebrow. "Your hooves aren't glued to the hat," she pointed out. "You could get off Rarity's head any time you want."
"Oh," Sweetie Belle said, looking at her own hooves. She hopped gracefully to the ground, landing on her hooves; the gaudy chapeau remained steadfastly glued to her flank.
"Sweetie Belle," Twilight asked, "what happened here?"
Sweetie shrugged. "I dunno. Right after the fireworks blew up, Rarity glued me to a hat, then started galloping around town shouting poetry at the top of her lungs."
"Poetry?" Twilight asked.
"Something about bucking ducks or something, I don't really remember."
Twilight grimaced. "Yikes." She frowned. "How much cider did Rarity have?"
Sweetie Belle snorted. "She put away at least a whole barrel."
Twilight shook her head and sighed. "That figures." She glanced at Sweetie Belle, tilting her head. "Say, did you and your friends happen to have anything to do with that explosion?"
"Uh-uh," Sweetie replied, shaking her head. "The big ponies won't let us anywhere near fireworks after what happened last time." She gasped. "Wait, I just remembered something!"
"What?" Twilight asked eagerly.
"Right after that explosion, there was this funny purple smoke," Sweetie said. "Rarity was running around too fast for me to breathe any of it in, but I saw lots of ponies get swallowed up in it!"
"Funny purple smoke," Twilight repeated, muzzle twitching. "Well, it's a start. You'd better stick close...or actually, maybe you'd better go home and try to get unstuck from that hat," she said. "There's no telling what I'm going to find with this many drunk ponies lying around."
"Okay," Sweetie said. She pranced up the street, disappearing around the turn that would lead her to Carousel Boutique.
Shaking her head, Twilight looked up at the sky and frowned. "Time Turner must be mistaken about the time. It couldn't possibly be mid-morning!" Striding down the street and turning in the direction opposite where Sweetie Belle had gone, she very nearly tripped over none other than Princess Celestia herself. The oldest and most powerful living pony in all of Equestria lay flat on her back, legs splayed out in an ungainly sprawl, mane and tail in complete disarray, and—to Twilight's mortification—her unmentionable bits on display for the entire world to see. She was also snoring so loudly Twilight wondered how she could have missed it, and a huge, comical snot bubble was expanding and collapsing with each snore. "Well, that explains why the sun isn't up," Twilight muttered flatly. Clearing her throat, she called out to her mentor. Celestia didn't so much as stir. Grumbling, Twilight crept forward and jabbed Celestia sharply in the flank with a hoof. No response. Exasperated, she began tickling Celestia's nose with her wing. And yet, Celestia refused to stir.
After a few more fruitless attempts to awaken the sleeping princess, Twilight huffed angrily. "Oh, screw this," she grumbled. She rolled Celestia over and rearranged her tail so as not to create a nationwide scandal, then stared up at the sky. "Wherever Luna is, she must not be in much better shape than her sister," Twilight said. Shaking her head, she began to focus her magic on a spell she had seen cast many times, but had never had cause to attempt on her own. Ordinarily, she'd never dream of taking it upon herself to do this, but desperate times called for desperate measures.
And besides, she was sick of walking around in the dark.
The spell turned out to be a lot easier to cast than she had imagined, though it took quite a bit of concentration, and she imagined she could feel the sun balking at the touch of an unfamiliar mistress. Still, ten minutes later, bright early morning light shone down upon Ponyville. Twilight panted, sweat streaming down her face. Between the sudden bright, harsh light and the exertion, her headache returned in full force, along with a wave of nausea like nothing she had ever felt before. She immediately issued an impressive stream of vomit onto the dusty street.
"The sun! Who messed with the sun?!"
Twilight turned around. Celestia had bolted to a standing position, wings flared wide, eyes wary. "Princess Celestia," she breathed. "Umm...I raised the sun," she said sheepishly. "You were out cold, I couldn't wake you up, and it's mid-morning."
Celestia blinked. "Twilight Sparkle? You raised the sun?!"
"Sorry!" Twilight squeaked. "It's just...it really needed to rise..."
Celestia looked up at the sun and nodded. "Good job," she said. She promptly flopped back to the ground, rolled over on her side, and was asleep again before Twilight could even register what had just happened. Twilight's ears twitched in vexation as she stared at her mentor, eyes half-lidded.
"Seriously?" she said flatly. Shaking her head in disgust, she conjured a blanket, which she draped over Celestia. She had just finished neatly tucking her mentor in when she heard a groan from above.
"Whoa nelly...how in tarnation did Ah git up here?"
Twilight looked up to see Applejack wobbling on the roof of a nearby house. She gasped. "Applejack!"
"Oh...hey Twi. Some party, huh? ...izzat Princess Celestia?"
Twilight levitated Applejack down to the street. "What were you doing up on a roof?"
"Heck if Ah know," Applejack replied. She eyed the sleeping Celestia, then shook her head. "Ah don't remember much after that funny smoke. Ah know Ah was chasin' Apple Bloom over by Sugarcube Corner..." she frowned.
"Funny smoke," Twilight mused. "Sweetie Belle said something about that too."
"You don't remember th' smoke?" Applejack asked.
Twilight shook her head. "I must've passed out drunk before the explosion."
Applejack tilted her head. "You don't remember th' smoke, but you remember th' explosion?"
"No, Time Turner told me about the explosion. Sweetie Belle told me about the smoke." She frowned. "And by the way...we need to talk about that hard cider of yours. Rarity got seriously drunk and glued her sister to a hat."
Applejack belted out a hearty laugh. "Shucks, Ah'd like t' have seen that!"
"And I woke up in...a very strange position, and I'm honestly a little disturbed by the implications."
"Implications of what, exactly?"
Twilight opened her mouth to answer, then shook her head. "You know what, nevermind. Right now, I just want to find out what that smoke was, why Celestia is passed out in the street, why Luna didn't raise the sun for her, why there was an explosion at midnight..."
"Well, that explosion..." Applejack began, scratching her head. "Near as Ah can recollect, there was this big black crate down by th' fireworks show. Ah was down there keepin' an eye out fer mah sister an' her friends. Y'know...after what happened last time an' all." She grimaced. "Well, th' Crusaders kept their word an' stayed away, but somepony—Ah didn't see who—pointed a rocket right at that black crate. It went off like a bomb, an' then that funny purple smoke was everywhere, an' that's th' last thing Ah rightly remember."
"A big black crate?" Twilight asked, stroking her chin. "Well that isn't suspicious at all," she said with a sarcastic roll of her eyes. "Can you remember anything else?"
Applejack's brow furrowed. "Ah remember that smoke havin' this really funny smell...an' when Ah breathed it in...Ah felt real friendly-like. Mellow." She chuckled. "An' hungry."
"Hmm..." Twilight thought for a moment. "You said you were chasing Apple Bloom. Why?"
Applejack snorted steam. "That little horseapple done took off with mah hat. Said she was gonna fill it with choklit cream."
Twilight noticed, for the first time, that Applejack was minus her trademark beat-up brown hat. She winced. "Oh, Applejack...I hope she didn't ruin your hat. I know how important that hat must be to you..."
Applejack blinked. "Huh? It don't matter none if she ruins it. Ah got ten more just like it. It's th' principle o' th' thing."
Twilight's jaw dropped. "But...I thought..." She shook her head. "Nevermind."
Applejack chuckled. "You thought Ah just had th' one hat, huh?" She shook her head. "Nah, those cheap ol' hats wear out mighty fast. Ah got a whole rack of 'em in mah closet."
"Oh." Twilight stood awkwardly for a minute. "Well, let's go to Sugarcube Corner, then."
"Good idea. Maybe we can get some coffee from Pinkie Pie."
Twilight winced. "Pinkie...won't be there."
"Huh? You sure?"
"Trust me. She's...nowhere NEAR there right now."
The two mares trotted to Sugar Cube Corner, and were immediately greeted by Pinkie Pie. "Hi AJ, hi Twilight! Some party, huh?"
Twilight's jaw dropped. "Pinkie Pie?! How'd you get here before me? Last time I saw you, you were still passed out in the middle of the road!"
"Oh, I woke up ten minutes ago. Then I realized I must be late for work so I zoomed on over here, but I can't find Mr. and Mrs. Cake anywhere, and the only other pony here was Apple Bloom and I sent her home."
"Actually, Ah've been lookin' fer Apple Bloom."
"Oh, then you must've just missed her," Pinkie said. "Coffee?"
"Please," both mares said.
The next few minutes were spent in silence as the three mares drank coffee. It was strangely fragrant, an aroma mingled with the empowering smell of coffee that Twilight couldn't place. It was also severely loaded with sugar.
"That's just whut Ah needed," Applejack said. "Thanks a heap, Pinkie Pie."
"No problemo!" Pinkie turned to Twilight. "So, how did it taste?"
"The coffee is excellent, Pinkie. A bit sweet, but I don't mind."
Pinkie rolled her eyes. "Not the coffee, silly! My tail! How did my tail taste?"
Applejack spat out a mouthful of coffee. "Say WHUT now?!"
Twilight's face turned red. "I...sort of woke up with Pinkie Pie's tail in my mouth." She cleared her throat. "It tasted...well...like hair."
"Awww, I was hoping it tasted like cotton candy," Pinkie pouted.
Applejack looked between the two. "Is there somethin' y'all wanna tell me?" she asked.
"I hope not," Twilight said. "I still have no idea what happened last night."
"Well, the part I remember," Pinkie said, "was you, me, and Dashie trying to put together a conga line. I was in front, you were behind me, Dashie was behind you. The two of you were pretty drunk, so it wasn't much of a conga line. Then you decided you had to know whether or not my tail tasted like cotton candy, so you chased me around in a circle for a bit, then pinned me to the ground and started gnawing on my tail. Then Dashie thought you were playing a game, so she jumped on top of you, and then both of you passed out. I couldn't move, so I just went nighty-night with both of you on top of me. Then I woke up and you were gone, and Dashie's not anywhere near as heavy as you are, so I could move again, and then I realized how late for work I was, so I rushed right over here."
Applejack's eyebrows climbed into her mane. "Yyyyeah, okay, Ah think maybe this year's cider was a mite too potent..."
"Well, at least I didn't glue Sweetie Belle to a hat," Twilight said. Then, she glanced at Pinkie. "Wait...what do you mean heavy?"
Pinkie's eyes widened. "Eep! I just mean...since you became a princess, you've gotten...bigger! Yeah! I'm not saying you're a fatty fat-flank at all!"
Twilight's left eye twitched. "Pinkie Pie..." she growled warningly. "I can have you banished to a salt mine, you know..."
"What was that about Sweetie Belle?" Pinkie Pie asked quickly.
"Oh...Rarity got really drunk and glued her to a hat," Twilight said. "She was the first pony...well, almost the first pony I ran into after I woke up."
Applejack grimaced. "Eeeyup, definitely gotta water down th' cider next year."
"Well, at least now I know why I woke up...where I woke up," Twilight said. "But we still don't know why Princess Celestia is passed out in the street, why Applejack was on somepony's roof, or what that explosion and that purple smoke were."
Pinkie frowned. "What explosion? What purple smoke?"
Twilight and Applejack explained, to the best of their ability, the events that had happened after midnight. Pinkie stroked her chin thoughtfully. "Hmm...well, usually, any funny smoke in Ponyville is Twilight's fault, but since you were passed out drunk chewing on my tail, that means somepony else is responsible. But who? And what? And why? And where? And how? And when?"
"We already know where, how, and when," Twilight said, eyes half-lidded. "At the fireworks display, a big black crate that exploded, and at midnight."
"Oh, right," Pinkie said. "Well then we need to find out who, what, and why." She grinned. "I'll come with you girls and help solve the mystery! It'll be fun!"
Applejack frowned. "Shouldn't you stay an' mind th' store?"
"There...aren't very many ponies awake out there," Twilight said. "And with the Cakes missing too, I think Pinkie can afford to open the store a little late."
"Well...if'n y'all say so..." Applejack hedged. "But...what about th' twins?"
Pinkie waved a hoof airily. "They're with their granny. With the Cakes busy, me busy, and everypony revved up to party, there wasn't anypony in Ponyville who could really babysit this week, so their granny picked them up two days ago." She beamed and pulled a deerstalker cap and bubble pipe out of her mane. "Now, let's get going! The game is ahoof!"
The three mares set out to search for clues, but for almost an hour they found almost nothing but ponies slowly waking up with splitting headaches. The ponies they met scarcely recalled the events of the night past midnight; only a few hazy recollections of purple smoke, or passing out from drinking too much cider. Twilight and Applejack were dumbstruck as Pinkie Pie revealed her latest new bizarre contraption: an Espresso Shotgun, which somehow placed a perfect, steaming hot cup of extra-strong espresso in front of every hung-over pony they met.
As more and more ponies woke up, and Ponyville shambled to its collective hooves, they heard melodious laughter drifting from the attic of a medium-sized house. Exchanging glances, the trio headed in that direction; Twilight took wing and peered through the open attic window. She gasped. "Princess Luna! So this is where you've been!"
A few minutes later, Luna emerged from the house, accompanied by Zecora. "Hello, my little ponies," Luna said. "Pinkie Pie, your celebration of the changing of the year was indeed glorious!"
"Whose house is this, anyway?" Applejack asked, scratching her head.
"It's Cheerilee's house," Pinkie said.
"Indeed it is," Luna nodded. "I encountered Cheerilee during the course of the evening's festivities, and she invited me to her house for a drink. I could hardly refuse!"
"I wished to speak to Princess Luna, so I joined in their fun," Zecora added. "We've spent the night talking, straight through the rising of the sun."
"Oh, did she break out the bottle of Pranch champagne Berry Punch gave her for Christmas?" Pinkie asked.
"Indeed she did."
Applejack chuckled. "Normally Ah'd be a mite offended, but...seein' as how mah cider put th' whole town down fer th' count, th' champagne was probably a better idea."
"So...you've just been here, talking all night?" Twilight asked. "You don't know anything about the purple smoke?"
"Purple smoke?" Zecora asked. "Somepony's idea of a joke?"
"We're not sure," Applejack said. "None of us really know what happened after midnight."
"By the way, Princess Luna," Twilight said, "your sister's passed out in the middle of the street a few blocks from here. I had to raise the sun for her."
Luna gasped. "What time is it?"
"It's almost noon now, actually," Twilight said. "I knew the spell to raise the sun, but I have no idea how to keep it moving. And with everypony just now waking up, well..."
Luna shook her head. "I must collect my sister and return to Canterlot," she said. "I thank you, Zecora, for a pleasant and enjoyable night of conversation. And you as well, Twilight Sparkle, for seeing to the raising of the sun. I will personally sort out the cycle of day."
"Thank you, Princess Luna," Twilight said with a relieved sigh. "And the rest of us will keep trying to figure out just what happened last night."
"I wish you the best of fortune!" Luna declared before disappearing in a burst of boiling, inky shadow limned in silver.
"Much as I wish to return home to rest," Zecora said, "I believe I will help you sort out this mess."
Twilight quickly summed up the situation while Zecora munched on a croissant Pinkie had pulled from her mane. Applejack interjected with the way her mood had changed once the purple smoke had spread through town.
"Most strange indeed," Zecora said once they fell silent. "This has the makings of hendrix weed."
"Hendrix weed?" Twilight asked.
"A medicinal herb from the Zebrica plain," Zecora explained. "It is good for the eyes, but does strange things to the brain."
"And it produces a purple smoke?" Twilight asked. "Or a spore or something that makes a purple smoke-like cloud?"
Zecora shook her head. "On its own, not as such. And to affect the whole town, you would need much..." She trailed off, eyes wide. "Of course! Foolish me! How could I not see?"
"See what?"
"There is one pony here who has great need of the healing powers of hendrix weed," Zecora said. "She placed a large order through me...yes, it is I who supplied this herb to DJ-PON3."
The others blinked. "SCRATCHIE did this?!" Pinkie gasped.
"But it makes no sense," Zecora said. "How was this herb dispensed?"
"We need to find Vinyl Scratch and ask her," Twilight said.
"She may still be at th' fireworks setup," Applejack said. "C'mon, y'all!"
The small group galloped to the raised platform near Town Hall where the fireworks display had been set up. The platform itself was in ruins. A ring of soot-covered ponies lay scattered around. One or two showed signs of severe burns. A peculiar smell hung in the air.
"Princess Twilight! Quickly! You must clear the air! We cannot help these ponies with our minds impaired!"
"Right!" Twilight said, charging her horn. A stiff breeze blew through the square; in moments, the strange smell was gone, and a thin, shimmering wave of sparkling purple smoke drifted up into the sky on the edge of a miniature pressure front. Once the air was clear, they spread out and began checking on everypony.
Several minutes later, they gathered at the wreckage, a number of ponies stirring and rising to their hooves. "No serious injuries," Pinkie reported.
"Yeah, looks like these folks were mighty lucky," Applejack added.
Mayor Mare staggered over to them, her glasses askew and her mane a complete mess. "Princess? What's going on here?"
"Do you remember an explosion last night?" Twilight asked.
"Vaguely," the mayor said, scratching her head. "What time is it?"
"A little past noon," Twilight replied.
The mayor gasped. "Oh my goodness...this is a disaster!"
"I wouldn't call it a disaster," Pinkie Pie said. "Just a party that got a little out of control."
The mayor looked around at the soot-covered, shambling ponies and the wrecked fireworks platform. "You call this 'a little out of control'?"
Pinkie giggled. "This is nothing compared to this one party I went to in Las Pegasus this one time," she said. "I ended up with my head in a toilet and a baguette up my—"
"Madam Mayor, do you remember seeing Vinyl Scratch around here?" Twilight interrupted quickly.
"The DJ?" Mayor Mare replied, brow furrowed. "Not that I recall, but—"
"Well, lookie what Ah found," Applejack said. She trotted a short distance away, then returned with a pair of cracked, bent purple shades.
"Yep, Scratchie was here alright," Pinkie nodded.
"She still is," Twilight said as she spotted something out of the corner of her eye. The others turned to follow her gaze, and saw the tip of an electric blue tail peeking out from beneath some of the rubble. Twilight's horn lit up, and the rubble lifted away. Her magical aura surrounded the unicorn, pulling her over to the group.
Vinyl Scratch groaned and shifted, slowly opening her eyes, which were bloodshot. "Ugh," she moaned. "Agh, damn! Too bright! My shades, where are my shades?"
"They got broken in the explosion," Twilight said. "Which we know you were responsible for."
Vinyl blinked rapidly, shielding her eyes with a hoof. "Huh? Explosion?"
"It would seem that you felt the need to share with Ponyville your hendrix weed," Zecora said.
Vinyl gasped. "Aw, crap! I remember now." She scratched the back of her head sheepishly. "Yeah, I might...maybe...have kinda put together a little...heh-heh...happy bomb," she said. "It...seemed like a good idea at the time?"
Mayor Mare gave her a hard glare. "I've got a good idea myself," she announced. "You are to clean up all of Ponyville by yourself, and pay for any damages and medical costs caused by your stunt. How does that sound?"
Vinyl flinched. "That sounds like a total drag!" she protested.
"The alternative is the dungeons in Canterlot," Twilight said.
The disc jockey hung her head. "Yeah, okay, I gotcha. I'll...clean up the mess. And pay for whatever. Jeez..."
Leaving Vinyl Scratch in the custody of the mayor, Twilight and her friends decided to go their separate ways and head for home. "So, does this mean you didn't enjoy my party?" Pinkie Pie asked Twilight as they reached the fork in the road that would take Pinkie to the bakery and Twilight to the library.
Twilight laughed. "Pinkie Pie, I can honestly say this is one party I'll never forget." She shook her head. "Happy New Year, Pinkie."
"Happy New Year, Twilight."
Rainbow Dash descended from above, braking in midair in front of them. "Hey guys," she said. "Man, was that a wild party or what?"
Pinkie and Twilight shared a look, burst into laughter, and went their separate ways.
Dash watched them go, confused. "What? ...What?!"
* * * * *
As the sun set that evening, in a hayloft at Sweet Apple Acres, Fluttershy awoke, curled up in a bed of sweet-smelling straw. She smacked her lips for a minute, took a bite of hay, stood, and stretched like a cat. As she spread her wings, her feathers brushed against a form lying next to her. The sleeping pony's ear twitched.
Fluttershy smiled. "Some party, huh?"
One lazy eye opened and drifted over to her. "Eeeyup."
