Chapter 1: Praise the Sun
“Now this is a really interesting statue. What do you notice about it?”
Oh great... Another tour group. Like I haven’t seen that over the last two thousand years...
The group of ponies stopped in front of me, but directed their attention to the mismatch of creatures on the other side of the path. It looked like a small class of unicorns, pegasi, and some earth ponies. Was that a thestral, kirin or thesperytral ?
Hmm? What’s that look? Oh, right. Yes, unicorns, pegasi, ponies, yadda yadda. You guessed it right - I’m insane.
No, just kidding. I hope...
I’m in the glorious land of Equestria, where all kind of fuckery lives.
You name it, whether it be dragons, ponies, emotion-feeding insects, griffons, minotaurs, mythological humanoids, elementals, rock-animals and more.
Yup. Nowadays I wish I had access to my alcohol supply.
I realized that I had spaced out, so I focused back on the group.
“Chaos!”
“It’s not chaos you dodo!”
Of course it’s not. That’s Q. Learn your Star Trek characters, kids!
Three small ponies called fillies, I believe, had gotten into a fight over what Q represented. They were saying things like ‘Evil’ and ‘Chaos,’ but I was busy wondering how the hell they manged to kick up that much smoke.
The teacher lady, a fuschia coated one, smiled at them and interrupted my thoughts. “Actually in a way you’re all right.” She looked at Q. “This statue represents Discord, a lack of harmony between ponies.”
Bor-ing, this is so bor-ing~. Kill me now, spare me the misery of being stuck in stone for all of eternity, or at least until the Sun sends out a solar flare, hopefully destroying my stone prison and melting this planet.
I can always jump universes.
A small purple dot glowed in the center of Q’s chest, and I felt myself sigh.
Great... He’s getting out.
“Miss Cheerilee.” God that name sounds so gay. “What does that statue represent?”
I realized that they were referring to me. The teacher, Cheerilee I think, smiled. “This statue represents cunning. The skill in achieving one's ends by deceit.”
That sounds like me, yeah. I hope cunning is what they describe me as, not some shitty name, just like they named Discord. Because holy fuck, if they actually named me Cunning… I’m not gonna hear the end of the sex jokes in the Neo-Nexus.
Yes, I once surrounded myself (and hope to do so when I get out) with individuals of the mature caliber. Very mature, indeed.
The class walked away, and a crack spread over the stone that Q was in. After a few minutes his statue exploded, and standing there was the “Master of Chaos” himself.
“Oi! You wanna let me out as well!?”
He stretched his arms with a yawn. “Oh... That’s a cramp.” Popping his back he looked over. “Oh yes you....”
Shut up you paradoxical bastard and get me out.
Snapping his fingers I heard a tiny crack. “There. You’ll be able to get out in a while.” He vanished in a flash.
Goddamn you, Q!
As I waited I decided to think back on what got me... well... here.
───
[2076 years ago]
I was sat inside the cramped van next to my friend Josh, Scotty was driving us down to a convention in Arizona, and my last friend Jasper was horribly singing Queen in the front seat. Don't Stop Me Now at that. We had idiotically decided to dress up before hand, and we were paying the price.
Josh had dressed like Sasuke from Naruto so he was pretty fine; Scotty decided to wait till we got there to put on his costume, we would force him to drink absinthe for playing it safe; Jasper was dressed as L from Death Note, and I was the resident Solaire of the group.
Sun + Heavy Armor = Hot. And not the sexy ladies-crawling-all-over type of hotness.
“Why must Gwyn punish me so?” I whined as I stuck an ice cube down my breastplate.
Jasper stopped his singing and looked back from the front seat. “Well you did kinda wear full armor.” He smiled. “I’m amazed you even had enough money to get some.”
“I’m the richest poor guy ever, Jasper.” I replied sarcastically. “I live off poor bread, and can buy knight’s armor.”
“Well you shouldn’t have put it on now should you?” Scotty leaned from the front. “Even I knew that was a bad idea!”
My helmet hid my face, so he couldn’t see the “no shit?” expression I was making. “Have I ever done anything that could be remotely considered a good idea?”
He paused. “... Good point.”
I sighed. “Well besides Jasper’s horrible singing-”
“I have a very good voice thank you very much.” He stuck his nose in the air.
Josh decided to bring in his two cents. “You have the worst singing voice ever, Jasper. I’ve heard blenders that sound better than you.” Scotty laughed as Jasper huffed indignantly.
“As I was saying.” Dropping another ice cube down my breastplate I smiled. “Between Jasper singing, and the heat I think this is gonna go well.”
Josh looked at me. “How on Earth could you guess that from your suffering?”
“Simple,” I held up a finger. “if the day is shit in the beginning, then it’ll become a really great day.” I paused. “Unless I’m playing Dark Souls, that’s my philosophy.”
Josh raised an eyebrow. “Says the man who tried to convince me that the reason people fly is because of ‘Unicorn Farts.’”
“That was one time!”
───
[Present Day]
The stone around me shattered as I fell to the ground. Coughing hard, I panted and took in some air. “Sweet, sweet air!” Hacking up five lungs I slowly, and shakily, stood up. “Right...” I looked around. “Gotta fly.”
Running down the garden path I found a large white castle not too far away, and there was a sound system being set up by a couple of unicorns. I paused in wait and listened to what they were saying.
“G, are the speakers up??” asked a dark blue unicorn with a yellow mane.
“Yeah. All over the castle, ‘Boose” replied an orange unicorn.
Perfect. Time to fuck my reputation up for the first time in two thousand and something years!
───
[In Canterlot Castle]
Celestia smiled at her student as she celebrated the defeat of Discord with her friends. While her and her friends dealt with him directly she and Luna were defending the castle from his chaotic magic.
A guard came in the front door, and Celestia turned to Luna. “Stay sister, I need to do hear something out.”
“Do make haste.” She replied.
Celestia flashed a smile before walking over to the guard. Said guard saluted shakily. “Y-your highness, t-there has been a p-problem in the gardens.”
That’s never good. Celestia thought. “What seems to be the problem?”
“While we were taking inventory of the gardens one of the statutes there seems to have...” He paused for dramatic effect. “vanished...”
That’s not good at all. “Do you know which statue vanished?”
“From the records it seems that the statue of the miscreant known as--”
A crash came from the head of the room, and a window shattered, sending pieces of multicolored glass everywhere. Giving a small, quick roll a heavily armored being came to a rest near the gathered ponies. It its hand was a microphone, and wire leading outside. On its chest was a sun with a face drawn on it.
He stood up, revealing a staff and shield that weren’t previously noticed. On it's back was a sword, and around it's neck a necklace with a large, red stone shaped like a smooth pyramid. It looked around before spotting Celestia and waving.
The being raised the microphone to it’s helmet. “Do you faggots even praise the Sun!?”
Celestia’s eye twitched as the various ponies in attendance screamed in panic. Of all things... First Discord, and now HIM!?
Celestia felt a headache coming on. A heavy headache she would have to drink though later.
───
“Admit it Cuntlestia, that was awesome.” I had ditched the microphone, and was leaning on my staff. “Oh how long’s it been? A thousand years? Two thousand years? Heck, felt like an eternity to me!” I wiped a small bit of stone off my shoulder pad. “I mean yeah it was nice watching birds take a dump on me, but really? You had to turn me to stone? Couldn’t have been something more awesome? Like brass, or black iron?”
Ponies were still screaming at my entrance, so I waved my staff. In an instant barriers of pure, dark-blue arcane energy erupted from the ground, reaching the ceiling, and shutting the ponies up. “There we go. Much better.”
Her Lunar Angstesty stood up in a rage and sent a bolt of magic towards me. I flicked it away with a yawn. “You know that won’t work if I have this,” I waved the staff a bit. "and this." I continued, waving the staff at my necklace. “But, it was funny to see you try again, after a countless amount of attempts.”
“What doest thou want from us Cunning!?”
I blinked. “Did you really...?” I laughed uproariously and slapped a hand on my knee. “Oh wow... You reeeaaally gave me a gay nickname...” I appeared in front of her and poked her muzzle. “It’s Solaire, not ‘Cunning’.” I vanished before she could smash me.
Cantlestia scowled. “Why have you returned here... Solaire?” she said, pausing at my own name.
I shrugged. “Eh I wanted to get out of my little prison, take a walk, and maybe see the sights. A lot changes in two thousand years my dear Cinderlestia.”
“P-princess.” I just noticed the purple unicorn near her. “Who is that?”
I appeared next to her in a lawn chair. “The name’s Solaire. Are you deaf?” I tapped her on the head. “Oh wait, no, I know that color scheme.” I looked at Celestia. “Do you have an obsession with Starswirl? I mean really.” I spun the staff a bit. “You’d think that there are others just as good at magic, but no. You have to pick Starswirl’s brats.”
I looked around. “Say… has anyone seen Princess Tantrum?” I felt a gust of wind from behind me. “... Clever girl.” There was a crack, and I vanished. Appearing above all of them. “But not clever enough.”
Waving the staff I caused the barriers to shatter into tiny shards, and I vanished like a boss. I, however, left one message on the ground, orange soapstone style. “Find soldier, but hole.”
I fucking love my staff.
───
[2076 years ago]
I stared at the guy running the ‘Props for Sale’ booth like he was mad. “A hundred bucks for a Dark Souls rip-off staff? Really!?”
Said man shrugged. “Take it or leave it.”
I grumbled and practically stuffed the money in his face. “Just give me the damn thing...” I grabbed it and looked it over.
It shimmered under the lights above me, and cast a prism like effect on the table. It looked exactly like the Tin Crystallization Catalyst from Dark Souls, but much longer and with a lighter color scheme, a sun carved onto the top made of an orange gem. I twirled it before leaning on it, and then I walked off. “Have a nice day!” Dick.
I found Jasper walking around. He saw me and seemed to squeal. “Oh dude that looks fucking ballin’!”
“I know Jasper.” I twirled it a bit, and struck a pose. “It’s really light.”
“Is that Celestia’s cutie mark?”
My eyes darkened as I turned to who said that. A guy with blue styrofoam wings was looking at the staff. I cleared my throat. “No. This is the marking of Solaire.” I motioned to my chest. “Not this, Celestia.”
I knew he was a brony. I mean yeah they get annoying, but I don’t really hate them. Hell Jasper’s a brony, yet he doesn’t dress like one of the characters.
Brony McBumblefuck gave me a glare. “No. That’s definitely Celestia’s cutie mark.” Mr. Horsefucker tried ripping the staff from me.
“Oi!” I pulled back, but he kept his grip. “If you want the staff than ask for it!”
“Give me the staff!”
“No you fat, greasy fuck!”
He pulled harder. “Seriously dude, give it here!”
My eyes narrowed, and I finally ripped the staff from his grip. “NEVER!” I slammed my staff on the ground to assert my dominance, and shit got serious.
The staff glowed with a power unlike anything I’d seen, and bolts of rainbow lightning crackled across it’s surface. I stood in a mix of awe and terror as the ground underneath me buckled under the force of an unseen object.
You know those moments right before a cartoon character falls into a pit and they have enough time to say something? Yeah... I had that time. I turned to Jasper. “In the words of the great DSP... Insta-death! I was dodging, and I still got instantly killed! What a stupid game!”
With that the ground underneath me tore apart with spectral energies from the depths of the universe. I screamed like a bitch as I disappeared from existence.
Yep, my last words on Earth were a DSP quote.
