Immortality Blows

by Leechador

Rating: teen
Tags: Dark, Comedy
Length: 1616

Twilight writes herself a letter explaining that immortality is the worst thing ever.

Twilight finds a strange letter in the mail, and discovers that she made a huge mistake in finishing Starswirl's spell…

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-14 02:20:04 UTC

This Sucks

Twilight Sparkle nervously held a letter she previously found at her rose tinted mailbox. Carefully, she started opening the seemingly small parchment that when ajar, showed an entire script of text. Probably it was another one of Celestia’s letters, explaining how she should do this and that or simply a letter from one of her friends. Seeing as it was extremely long, she crossed out that decision and immediately saw the seal it carried. It was of a purplish finish, and the whole letter itself was covered in what appeared to be magic.

Curious as to what it said, she slowly started reading it; not knowing the possible dangers the parchment carried::

Because I literally have nothing else to do, I'm writing my past self a letter. Kinda stupid, but fuck self-judgement, I'm bored. So, past-Twilight, since you'll be more fascinated by this than me, I'll explain how those goddamn fucking wings and the stupid-ass immortality is the worst thing to happen to us.

Man, I wish I'd never finished that goddamn spell. Stupid fucking Starswirl. I just had to finish it, didn't I? I finish one goddamn spell, and I get fancy wings and turn into a princess. Damn, was I stoked. I don't even know why Celestia wanted me to finish it in the first place. Doesn't make a damn bit of difference now.

Oh, it was awesome for a while. I found out that I was immortal. I literally couldn't die! I was all jumping off buildings and shit, getting shot and electrocuted, eating glass, the whole extreme sports gambit... I did it all. Nothing could kill me! Then all my friends and family started dying. That really sucked for a while. I made new friends, but they died, too. After six or seven times through with that, I figured friends weren't really worth it. I lived like a fucking hermit. Pfft... how long did that last? Two, three thousand years? Four, tops. Yeah, I started talking to ponies again. Made new friends. They died, too, but I was over it by then. Plus, I had sex so many times it wasn't even worth it anymore (as unfortunate as that sounds). Celestia and Luna had fucking disappeared a few thousand years after I got my wings, so they were out of the question. Those twats.

Ponykind did some really amazing shit over the next couple hundred million years. That was awesome to see too, at first. I went to all sorts of planets, watched them move stars and build dyson spheres, they even cured themselves of all known disease and started living longer. It was soooo nice to have some friends that didn't just die after a hundred years or so.

But then they started evolving. Ponies were turning into pure energy left and right. I couldn't do awesome shit like that, stuck in my immortal body. So I made my way back to Equis to see how they were doing there, but it turned out to be long since abandoned. So I was stranded on this worthless rock I'd seen a million times over with nothing to do. Yeah, the planet had changed quite a bit since I'd last been there, but I still wasn't occupied for more than a million years or so. After that it was boring as hell. I remember once I just sat on the edge of a cliff and waited for whatever continent I was on to drift into another one. Jeez.

But it seemed to keep getting hotter. Now, my immortal ass can stand any temperature you could throw at it, but that doesn't mean I wasn't uncomfortable. Shit, it was hotter than two rabbits fucking in a wool sock. Pretty soon, the oceans were boiling. Now that is a sight to see. I even went swimming in it. Real smart, you fucking genius. I lost track of time, and before I knew it, the oceans were fucking gone and I was sitting at the bottom. Everywhere I went trying to get back up, BAM! continental shelf. Took me a thousand years to find a way back up, even with my wings. The whole thing was desert by that time anyway.

Then there was this galaxy that was fucking huge in the sky. It got so big, it took up the whole damn sky. After a while, you couldn't tell its stars from the normal ones. Then all the stars, new and old, started moving around in all these weird patterns. It was some show, let me tell you. Most interesting thing I'd seen in a while. But just as it was getting good, the goddamn sun exploded.

Now, the sun exploding itself was an even cooler sight than all those extra stars. It got really damn big. Hotter than hell, but worth it. And then BANG! Fucker started exploding. It kept going off for probably a billion years. It was awesome at first, but, shit... give it enough time and anything is boring. By the time it was done it was like night all the time and the sun wasn't all that much brighter than the other stars in the sky. Not to mention that it was cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey now.

So I waited. And waited. I memorized the stars and came up with names for all of them. And I waited. It was so fucking cold, I didn't move around that much. I couldn't even tell you how long it was, ‘cause it was too damn cold to think. Shit, how I waited.

But then the damnedest thing happened. There was this huge, deafening roar. The sky was on fire. It started getting hot again. The wind got stronger and stronger until I was flying. Then came the loudest fucking sound I've ever heard in my life, and I found myself flying up and away from Equis itself. When I finally got far enough away, I figured it out. Must have been an asteroid or something. Big fucker, though, there was a sizeable chunk of planet missing; a lot of it was still glowing red hot.

Now let me tell you, I thought it was cold on solid ground with no sun, but that was nothing. Empty space is fucking cold. That and not being able to breath... damn, that was an unpleasant time. I drifted away from what was left of the solar system. After I while I could see the giant cloud of shit left over from when the sun exploded. But then I just kept going. Man, it was a long time. Trillions of years, probably.

I landed on planets or even in stars from time to time. If I was on a planet, I was never there more than a billion years or so before another fucking asteroid came and threw me off of it. When I landed in stars (hotter than fuck), I just had to wait until it exploded and sent me off in some other direction. It really sucked.

But eventually I drifted out of the galaxy altogether. Of course, it was nothing like that big pinwheel they told us it was in school. Just a big irregular blob. Just drifting and drifting, still couldn't breath. I passed other galaxies. Even from where I was, I could see stars exploding in the close ones. That was cool for a while. But I guess they were all running out of stars or something, the galaxies kept getting dimmer.

About the time the last galaxies were going out, I started to feel like I was going faster. A definite sensation of acceleration. I started spinning around. I don't know around what, but I could tell I was spinning from the few galaxies left out. I started to feel like I was stretching out, too. And then I couldn't see anything at all. Not too long after that I just felt crushed and stopped moving. Just saying that doesn't do it justice. I couldn't even move myself anymore. I felt like someone had crammed me inside a fucking shoebox or something. My guess was that I drifted into a black hole, or something.

This went on for a long fucking time. And I just kept feeling smaller and smaller and smaller. When suddenly I was free. Well, I wasn't being crushed anymore. But I still couldn't move and still felt tiny as fuck. And I still couldn't see anything.

But that's where it ended. Nothing has happened since then. Nothing. And that was a really fucking long time ago. I've already rethought every thought I ever had a googol times. That's not even an exaggeration, I counted. Yeah, I counted to a googol. That's how long I've been out here.

Man, this fucking sucks. Immortality blows. Go tell that bitch Celestia to take it away.

P.S. A hundred trillion years old, still no Hoof-Life 3.

--Lots of love, Future Twilight Sparkle Fuck it, I’m the only one left, so I'm pretty much God now.

Twilight stared in confusion, grasping the strange letter in her hooves. Her eye twitched slightly, wondering how her future self could be so vulgar. She looked back at her wings, realizing that they were the cause of her future-self’s suffering. Without a moment’s hesitation, she retrieved a scroll and quill with her magic, and began writing a letter to Princess Celestia.

Dear Princess Celestia,

Fuck you…