Beasts and Beings - Stories of Equestria's Inhabitants

by Strongbolt Stonewing

Rating: everyone
Tags: Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Adventure, Random
Length: 25180

Ever wondered what colour a Jumquap is? Or what makes Sporcelli angry? Well, stranger, now you too can know. For in your very hooves you hold the ultimate guide to Equestria's beasts and beings.

Ever wondered what colour a Jumquap is? Or what makes Sporcelli angry? Well, stranger, now you too can know. For in your very hooves you hold the ultimate guide to Equestria's beasts and beings, brought to you by 'world-famous' explorers and all-round, general monster 'experts': Strongbolt Stonewing XVII and wife, Shierra Berrums. This a selection of stories describing our encounters with the weird and wonderful creatures from across Equestria and beyond.

Published 2014-01-24 21:50:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-07-21 19:50:59 UTC

What is a Beast?

Obviously, before you read a book on beasts, you have to understand what a beast actually is.

By definition, a beast is any creature, known or unknown, that cannot participate in the decisions of modern day societies (excluding its own), either because it does not possess the intelligence to do so or simply because it is too dangerous.

Also, anything, with the exception of animals, that poses a direct threat to other living creatures, for no discernible reason, is automatically classified as a beast.

Other ponies suggest that Animals and Beasts are completely different, some have even requested 'Beastliness' to be included in the classification system between Genus and Species.

Shiera, a language we understand, please.

As I was saying: Animals and Beasts are, in many ways, different. It is thought that any creature not matching the characteristics of an Animal or Being is automatically classified as a Beast.

In 1895, Germanian Scientist Ludvan Schneesenhimer deduced that an Animal is any living organism that has no magical abilities.

For some time, this theory was not questioned, until 1967 when a group of animal rights supporters, commonly known as the Equestrian League of Animal Protectors (or ELAP), presented a statement: "It has come to our attention that a variety of our less-magical animal friends are frequently complaining about the lack of certain non-magical creatures (specifically Earth Ponies) whom do not receive the title of Animal."

Naturally, the Earth Ponies were outraged at this. They proclaimed that they refused to be classified as Animals if it meant Pegasi, Unicorns and Alicorns did not.

A debate was held in Canterlot, members of councils from all across Equestria attended to discuss a compromise for their dire situation.

Eventually, it was decreed that five 'kingdoms' would be created to classify all living organisms. One being Animalia (Animals), where all living creatures except plants and bacteria would be categorised, including all types of ponies. And thus, Schneesenhimer's theory ELAPsed. See what I did there?

However, there was a problem: by re-organising the classification system, the scientists left little room for differentiation between species.

In simpler terms, there were not enough variations within the classification system to allow ponies to differentiate between the different animals.

In even simpler terms, the ponies didn't have enough information to tell the difference between certain creatures, for example: how dangerous one thing may be compared to another.

So, the 'Beast and Being' Act of 1973 was implemented. This stated that any animal that poses a direct threat to pony-kind and did not match the characteristics of a normal animal (for example: fur colour) would be classified as a Beast.

It's an unstable system, even in modern times, ponies are still debating the issues within it.

But wait until you see the 'Being' idea...

Aaroclict

An encounter with an Aaroclict (A-Ro-Clic-T) is like a date with an eighty-year-old: you hope neither happens in your life. Why? Well, firstly, eighty years is way too old...

Strongbolt!

Oh, right, the Aaroclict. What I meant to say was: Aaroclicts are devious creatures, they have faces like baby pandas with gigantic blue eyes, however, their bodies are serpentine and covered in poisonous thorns. The first time we met an Aaroclict was in the outskirts of Baltimare when we were eating lunch.

Yes, I remember, we believed we had spotted a baby bear hiding in a bush, eyeing our food. Intrigued by such an odd occurrence, we proceeded to investigate. When I attempted to offer it a peanut, it snatched my entire lunch from underneath me with its snake-like tongue.

It then proceeded to charge at us, flailing its lizard-like body about.

A single touch from the toxic thorns of an Aaroclict can send a pony into unconsciousness for up to twenty-four hours and is rumoured to have other side-effects, such as: temporary amnesia, severe dizziness and a splitting headache.

It's like an unintentional hangover... from a baby bear. But don't you worry! We'll tell you exactly how to deal with one of these furry little blighters.

Firstly, if you do happen to see a baby bear's head protruding from a bush, make sure you examine it closely before approaching. One of the most obvious signs of an Aaroclict is the unmistakeable shape of its teeth. If you can clearly see a set of curved fangs beneath the 'bear's' lips, then I would advise you to either run, or find a blunt object and... well...

Quick warning, it's a lot harder to hit a baby bear than you may think.

Yes, wait, what?

Um, nothing. If you are unable to identify the Aaroclict before it attacks then I would advise running or fighting, preferably the first option, because it's very difficult to fight a creature that you can't touch.

Indeed, although, as threatening as this beast may seem, it does have one very embarrassing weakness: raspberries.

Aaroclicts go bonkers when they catch sight of the seemingly innocent fruit.

As far as pony knowledge goes, we're still unsure as to why Aaroclicts are so unbelievably terrified of the small pink berries, yet, it is a useful trait to exploit, especially if you happen to have raspberries in your lunch.

Yes, got away with that one with the skin of our teeth.

Arachnoplith

Warning: if you're standing face to face with an Arachnoplith then drop this book and run. Now.

Arachnopliths never hunt alone, and they're always on the hunt for any piece of pony flesh they can sink their putrid fangs into.

Wow, how pleasant. Anyhow, if you happen to see a gigantic purple spider with yellow or green speckles on its back, then you should get moving.

And if you see one with blue speckles, then you better pray you sprout an extra set of legs because those are the really fast ones.

Here's an example of Arachnoplith behaviour: one late summer night, myself and Shiera were walking to our hotel in Fillydelphia. Little did we know that we were being watched by a set of eight eyes.

As we passed a nearby cave, I thought I heard a faint scuttling coming from within. Moments later, a humungous eight-legged creature emerged, baring its razor-like teeth.

Quick note: one distinguishing feature of an Arachnoplith is that it does in fact have no head, instead, it's face is built into its bulb-shaped body.

Yes, thank you, Strongbolt. As I was saying, the beast emerged from the shadows, its eight misty eyes staring into my very soul.

Arachnopliths always examine their victims before striking, an odd trait, but incredibly useful to anypony within its presence. It is advised that whilst the Arachnoplith studies you, you should either run (preferably fly) as far away as you can or attempt to confuse the beast by not allowing it the ability to keep all eight of its eyes focused on you at one particular time.

Unfortunately, neither myself or Strongbolt knew this at the time, so as you can probably guess, we were in a heap of trouble.

Luckily, using my ex-royal guard training and perfect physique...

...oh brother...

Let me finish! Using my ex-royal guard training and perfect physique, I was able to distract the creature for long enough by flying around its face, thus, allowing Shiera to make her escape. I later flew away, avoiding the monster's grasp.

Yes, thank you, Strongbolt, but I think our readers will want to know what to do if they don't have royal guard training, or wings for that matter.

...or a perfect physique.

Would you stop with the 'perfect physique'? Anyway, it is vital that if you find an Arachnoplith, you follow these instructions exactly: Step One, move, it doesn't matter where, just move, and quickly.

Step Two, do not stop moving, speed is your friend.

Step Three, hide, when you have ran far enough away to be out of the Arachnoplith's gaze, you must not get back in it.

Agreed, that would just infuriate it even more. On the subject of rage, here's a fun fact: the speckles on an Arachnoplith's back represent how angry it feels, just keep in mind that Arachnopliths are always angry.

Supposedly, the order of colour goes from Yellow (slightly angry) to Green (slightly angrier) to Blue (angry enough to rip you apart) and rumour has it that Red Arachnopliths have been spotted, yet nobody has ever provided a detailed account. Although, I believe a journal was found beside a pile of bones with the words "Red Arachn-" written in big writing.

If you would like to experience an Arachnoplith in real life, I suggest you close this book and take a long, hard look at your life. Now think to yourself: "Do I really want to lose it?"

Buffalo

Buffalo.

Buffalo?

Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo.

Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo?

I like the word 'Buffalo.' It's like a mixture of 'Buff' and 'Aloe.'

You're so easily amused.

Shiera, guess what.

What?

Buffalo.

*Facehooves*

Okay, so Buffaloes are horned, semi-equine Beings that form small colonies and tribes in the San Palomino Desert and on the outskirts of Appleloosa. They are larger and bulkier than your average-

Buffalo.

...

...

Okay then. They are larger and bulkier than your average pony and very protective. They look after their families, territories and-

Buffalo!

...and their friends... So, we first met a Buffalo tribe just outside Appleloosa. As I said, they can be very territorial, so when we crossed into their land, we soon found ourselves-

BUFFALO!

Would you stop with the 'Buffaloing!'

*Snicker*

What?

You said 'Buffaloing.' That's a funny word.

Oh for goodness sake... Look, you say Buffalo one more time and I swear I will burn our entire supply of marshmallows.

*Gasp*

You wouldn't dare, you evil spawn of satan.

Wouldn't I?

*Gulp*

Fine.

Good. So, after we crossed the Buffalo borders we were attacked and kidnapped by a herd of Buffalo.

The Bu- I mean, the furrier, horned individuals took us to their base camp.

You can say 'Buffalo' just don't randomly yell it.

Buffalo.

...

...

...

...

Right, I'm burning the marshmallows.

Nooooooooooo! I'm sorry, I won't say it again.

Promise?

Promise.

Alright, shall we continue?

Okay, so we were presented in front of the tribe leader, who was far larger and darker than his other brethren.

Originally they planned on feeding us to coyotes, but we managed to convince them not to.

Shiera is surprisingly good at pretending to cry... and weep... and beg.

We get the point.

Just saying.

We were let off, eventually, but only if we helped them recover their sacred idol, which they has lost in the desert... to coyotes.

Wasn't really much of a win-win situation, but we got the job done in the end.

Indeed.

...

...

...

Go on, say it.

BUFFALO! I love that word.

Burrenti

Burrenti are small, rabbit-like creatures that are often found within large underground burrows. Their fur always comes in either a light blue or turquoise colour and unlike regular rabbits, their ears are bent at ninety degree angles.

Burrenti (singular is also Burrenti) are also one of the few creatures, other than ponies, who actually have an element of style and class.

For some strange reason, Burrenti show no signs of intelligence whatsoever, yet, remarkably enough, they have the wits to steal furniture from homes and use it to decorate their own abodes.

One account from a resident in Fillydelphia explains: "I was sat at home on my armchair, when a dozen furry little goblins snuck in and made off with my dining room table."

One may ask: how does a Burrenti manage to fit a dining room table into such a small den? The answer, it isn't small.

Oh no, Burrenti prefer larger homes, most are of similar size to a regal pony residence. It is for that reason that many beast fanatics believe that Burrenti are simply replicating the actions of ponies and fear that one day an evil Burrenti dictator shall rise and seize control over Equestria.

Sounds slightly ridiculous when you realise that these things are no bigger than a puppy.

The idea is ridiculous enough despite their size. Anyhow, Strongbolt and myself have only come across Burrenti once, during a spring day in Los Pegasus, when we witnessed a migration of Burrenti carrying a sofa with a very confused-looking elderly mare sat upon it.

Yes, that was quite hilarious... anyway, back to the dangerous stuff!

Camafalamal

Please never ask me to pronounce this name because to this day I still haven't gotten the hang of it.

What, Camafalamal? It's simple: Ca-Ma-Falamal.

That's easy for you to say.

Believe me, it isn't.

Regardless, Camaflamalal are tall, spiny creatures that reside in the San Palomino Desert and various uninhabited areas of Saddle Arabia. Due to their cactus-like appearance, they are often mistaken as... well, cacti.

Be careful when exploring generally any desert. Camafalamals are known to be quite the pranksters, often moving when not being watched to create confusion for desert-dwellers.

I'll also have you know that they can be incredibly pesky...

Oh, of course, I remember. That was pretty funny...

It was the furthest thing from funny!

It was hilarious! You pulling thorns out of your...

Alright! I don't think we really need to relive that story!

*Giggles*

Did you honestly just write that?

I'm just trying to explain the utter hilarity that ensued to the reader.

Well, how about we explain to the reader how to deal with a Calflamlamalam?

Fine. Camafalamal love to pull pranks, so naturally when a prank fails it upsets them, a lot.

If you believe you've encountered a Clamsamaham, you should keep an eye on three things: the sand...

...the sky...

...and the surroundings.

Camafalamals cannot approach you without sand beneath them, otherwise you could clearly see they were not cacti. I'd advise creating a circle of stones around wherever you've set up camp.

Camadamamcmilliands prefer to attack at night...

...I'm pretty sure you're just making up names now...

...so therefore, keep an eye on the sky. Find shelter before sunset.

And of course, when being pursued by any creature, always examine your surroundings regularly. Perhaps even draw a picture to remind you of what it looks like, then, later on, you can check to see if anything has changed.

Just be incredibly careful, they really are harsh little blighters.

It was pretty funny, y'know.

Right! Next creature...

Changeling

If there's anything you don't want to run into in your lifetime, it's an army of Changelings...

...or even one, for that matter.

Changelings are dastardly beings who possess the ability to shape-shift. Their bodies are of an equine-like stature...

...so, they're shaped like us...

...they also have black, rubbery skin and large blue or green eyes. Most have both a horn and wings and, like ponies, can use them for magic and flight.

Changelings are some of the worst kind of scum, and I'll tell you why...

...here we go again...

...firstly, they kidnap ponies and take their form, secondly, they're heartless monsters who care little for anyone but themselves, and thirdly...

...they glued you to the ceiling.

Yes... wait, no! For the record, it was a few years back, I was at my good friend Shining Armor's wedding. Now, I'd has suspicions about the bride, who I've known since high school, because I thought she was acting differently, then Shiera said: "No, I don't really see any difference in behaviour..."

Well, also for the record, I've known her since pre-school and I always thought she could be a bit harsh when she wanted to...

You're just saying that because she was more popular than you...

This is coming from the kid who everyone thought had 'Anger Issues'.

I prefer to think of them as superpowers. But this isn't about our high school years, although we should write a book about that next...

Right, back to the changelings.

Of course, as I was saying, I'd had my suspicions about Cadence (Shining Armor's wife-to-be)...

The word is fiancée...

Shiera we don't have time for your made-up words! Would you let me finish?

But I...

As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, Cadence hadn't been acting normally, so, being the gentlemanly gentleman that I am, I approached her just before the ceremony and asked if something was wrong. The next thing I know I'm stuck to the ceiling, covered in this weird, gooey, green stuff. But that wasn't enough to stop old Strongbolt...

...oh boy...

...oh no! I was not going down without a fight...

...so he spent the next half hour trying to pull himself out...

...and after I finally did, I arrived at the great hall to find the Changelings defeated already, and without my personal input no less!

I hear Twilight and her friends had quite the fight though.

Shame we missed it, but enough about us...

...you mean enough about you...

...you're probably wondering how exactly one discovers and defeats a Changeling. Well, beating them up is the easy part (they're incredibly brittle), it's finding them that's the difficult bit.

Changelings feed by taking the form of somepony you love and draining energy from your love for them, so naturally changelings usually only take the form of someone in a romantic relationship.

That's another disadvantage of marriage...

What do you mean 'another'?

Um, nothing, I love you.

That's what I thought. Now, there are three clear giveaways when it comes to changelings, we call them the three S's.

Speech, Sight and Sorcery.

Indeed, firstly, we have speech. Listen to the way they speak, do they struggle to make sentences? Do they have trouble remembering situations in the past? These could all be signs of a changeling.

Also, pay close attention to the eyes. Most changelings keep their green or blue eye colour even after transformation.

And finally, sorcery, what colour is their magical aura?

That's the wobbly stuff around their horn (if they have one).

If it does not match their eye colour because it is green or blue, again, this a sign.

Once you've uncovered your changeling it's a simple case of blunt trauma to the head.

This doesn't mean you should go around beating every blue-eyed amnesiac with a stutter. But, be wary, you never know where you might find a changeling.

If you are suspicious about somepony, give them time, changeling magic eventually wears off, but a shock can reverse its effects instantly. So giving them a good scare is a less violent way of revealing the truth.

Yeah, so make sure you're not like us and accidentally let the Changeling Queen into Equestria.

You know, I can't blame you for being jealous of Cadence, she was pretty much the best-looking girl in school...

What was that, dear?

Nothing, I love you... and you're beautiful and amazing.

Much better.

Cockatrice

A Cockatrice is a frightening creature with the head of a chicken and the body of a snake.

That doesn't sound scary, it sounds silly. Sounds like the kind of thing you would look straight in the eye and laugh at, right?

No, you should never look a Cockatrice in the eye, do that and you'll be stone in seconds, quite literally.

Yes, it's difficult to fight a creature you can't look at, although it's rumoured that if your stare is more powerful than that of the Cockatrice, you can prevent petrification.

We're not entirely sure how the power of a stare is measured, so we can't really tell you anything about that.

In fact, we wouldn't be telling you anything right now had it not been for a pair of sunglasses.

In order for a Cockatrice to successfully petrify a pony (or any creature for that matter) it requires full eye contact for at least five seconds.

The sunglasses managed to keep me safe, but, well, the same couldn't be said for Shiera.

You've been waiting for this haven't you?

It seems to be the one story where I didn't get hurt, humiliated, kidnapped, beaten, shocked, traumatized, embarrassed or thrown into a pool of itching acid. Of course I've been waiting for it.

Honestly, I can't believe you sometimes.

That makes two of us, now, as I was saying: we were cataloging plants found in the Everfree Forest, I had just finished a report on Poison Joke when I heard a sickening scream. My expert instincts led me straight to the cause, my wife, Shiera.

I was stood in front of you, and why are you speaking like that?

I approached her carefully, asked her if she was alright, no reply. I nudged her shoulder slightly, and discovered that she was in fact... a statue! Dum dum dum.

Worst build up ever.

I was confused, I thought, what could possibly have caused this, then, from beneath the bushes, a horrifying chicken-snake emerged, I recognised the demon as a Cockatrice immediately and jumped back, shielding my eyes.

You know, you're an idiot sometimes.

I reached for my bag and pulled out a pair of dark sunglasses.

Now is one of those times.

Then, with a swift blow to the head, I knocked the beast unconscious and forced it to return my wife to her original state.

That's not what happened at all! We were in the forest, I said: "Look out, it's a Cockatrice!" You said: "What's that?" I turn back and accidentally meet its eyes, in the last few seconds I yell: "Get the sunglasses!" You scampered towards the bag and I lost consciousness for half an hour.

During which, I discovered that the only way to reverse a Cockatrice's stare is to make the creature gaze back into the statue's stony eyes.

To be fair, I'm pretty lucky you figured that out, otherwise I'd probably still be in that vile forest.

Yeah, I totally figured it out... by myself, of course! Maybe, with a tiny piece of assistance from a, um, guide to the Everfree Forest.

I sometimes wonder what's more use to me: you or books.

You can't marry a book.

Yes, that makes you the only other option.

Exac- Hey!

Darnstby

Darnstbies aren't so much dangerous as they are annoying.

Quite, a Darnstby (pronounced Dar-n-st-bee) is an odd yellow creature that closely resembles a winged watermelon.

Oh yeah, because you see winged watermelons everywhere these days...

It may sound funny at first, but on closer inspection, you can clearly see that a Darnstby's skin is completely transparent. The bright yellow texture you see is actually just an orb of magical gas floating around inside.

This 'magical gas' can be emitted from the Darnstby's long snout, and let me just warn you: that stuff is repulsive. I'm talking from experience here.

Yes, I remember, you must have had at least fifteen showers before that stench wore off. Anyhow, another interesting quality of the Darnstby's gas is the noise it makes.

Unlike most gases, when a pony is in its radius, the Darnstby gas produces a sound.

This sound usually depends on the Darnstby's mood. Happiness usually creates a high-pitched, squeaky laugh...

...very annoying...

...anger of produces a constant repetitive buzzing sound...

...also very annoying...

...and sadness gives off a low-pitched moan.

Still very annoying. Constant changes in emotion and annoying noises to go with them. A little like marriage...

A-hem?

I love you, really I do.

*sigh*

The first time we met a Darnstby was at a picnic outside Ponyville.

Using my super sensitive hearing skills, I was able to detect the odd sound of something buzzing.

I heard that noise too.

Because Shiera was unaware of the buzzing, I proceeded to investigate the borders of the nearby forest, alone.

I was right beside you the whole time!

When I spotted the odd creature it jumped out at me, spraying toxic gas everywhere. At which point I retaliated by finding the nearest blunt object, a large stone, and smashing the beast into a thousand pieces.

Is it just me, or do you get more dramatic whenever you try to make yourself seem more manly?

At which point, I learned that Darnstby's skin was very glass-like and blunt trauma would cause it to break.

You read that in a book, didn't you?

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT.

Draconequus

A Draconequus is a very strange creature indeed. It's body is made up of all sorts of Beast, Animal and Being parts.

In other words, it has the head of a pony and a body made up all sorts of other things.

There have been very few sightings or even rumours of Draconequuses (Draconequi?), the most famous of their kind would be Discord, the spirit of chaos who once ruled over Equestria until the day the Royal Sisters vanquished him using the Elements of Harmony.

Most ponies saw Discord's full power when he took over again a few years back, but of course, his reign was rather short lived.

He was imprisoned in stone once again and remained that way for a short while, then, Princess Celestia decided that he should be given a second chance. So, she tasked the new holders of the Elements of Harmony with reforming him, a job they did exceptionally well on.

You may wonder why Celestia would risk unleashing such a creature when it could put Equestria in danger. Well, you first need to understand that Discord is incredibly powerful.

He can literally make anything happen with the click of his... um, what are those long things that stick out of his hooves?

Good question, I have no idea.

Well, whatever they are, he can use them to make just about anything happen, which is pretty useful. The only problem is, he takes nothing seriously, which, surprisingly enough, has often led to his downfall.

We are yet to understand how Draconequians use their magic, where it originates from or why they use it. But what we do know is that it can do some serious damage in the wrong hooves.

Hence, Celestia had him reformed to prevent any future attacks.

I do hear he is still quite mischievous, though.

As long as he doesn't try to enslave Equestria again, I think we'll be alright. Anyway, should we explain how we met Discord?

I don't see why not.

Alright, this was one of our strangest adventures by far. It happened before any of our other adventures, yet it wasn't our first.

Have you figured it out yet? I'll give you a hint: it involves an awful lot of magical power.

Time travel. An immensely difficult spell to perform.

You may now wonder: how do an earth pony and a pegasus, who have no magical power between them, manage to travel backwards in time?

The answer: a mistake.

You see, we were travelling across some of the unexplored regions of Equestria, the Great North, to be exact.

Now, as the story goes, King Sombra caused the Crystal Empire to disappear a thousand years ago, only to have it reappear in the present day. King Sombra had intended for the Crystal Empire to move one thousand years into the future so that it would not have changed when he awoke.

However, moving an entire empire across space and time would have proved impossible, even for the most talented of unicorns. So instead of moving it, he switched its place with whatever was in that exact location one thousand years in the future.

Which, unfortunately, happened to be us.

During our time in the past we has a few adventures, one involving Discord taking over again. I don't remember much, but I'm pretty sure that I went a little bit insane and Strongbolt's wings were turned into jelly.

Luckily, the Royal Sisters managed to reverse those changes and send us back in time again to the moment just before Sombra sent the Crystal Empire to the future, this time with us in it.

I guess you could say we hitched a ride. But anyhow, that's all we know about Draconequusites, and Discord for that matter.

Don't you ever wonder what he does now?

Who? Discord?

No, Jacob the magic potato. Who else?

Oh... that was sarcastic wasn't it?

*sigh*

Yes, Shiera. Yes it was.

If you must know, then yes, I suppose that question has crossed my mind on the odd occasion. I just guessed that he's probably doing important royal work or something like that.

You can't really tell with a Draconequus, they really are mysterious creatures. A bit like mares: I'll never understand them.

Author's Note

Apologies for any headaches, migraines, stomach cramps, cancers, ingrown toenails, loss of limbs, growth of limbs, atomic diarrhea, wounds, scars, blindness or generally any bodily dysfunction caused by the reading of this chapter. - Lots of Love, Strongbolt.

Dragon

Dragons are reptilian creatures that vary in size, scale colour and personality. Many have the ability to breathe fire, although, this power can be adapted for other uses, such as magically delivering letters.

Hm.

What?

Do we really need to write a chapter on dragons?

What do you mean?

Have you ever met a pony who doesn't know what a dragon is?

True, but nevertheless, we are completely oblivious to who our reader is. They could be a two legged, fleshy creature from an alternate dimension, reading our stories through the use of a complex network of coding and magic that somehow manages to translate the pages of our book into a electronic display. All the while believing that what they were reading was the work of yet another two legged, fleshy creature, remaining completely oblivious to the existence of our universe.

Come on, Shiera, those kind of creatures don't exist. Let's be realistic.

Well, there have been rumours of certain creatures, in another world, called Humans-

This a book of facts Shiera. Solid Facts. Not rumours. If you want to write a fantasy book on 'Who-Mans' you be my guest.

I suppose you're right.

When aren't I?

I could write another book on all the times you haven't been right.

I think we're going off topic. Back to the Dragons!

For a long, long, long, long, long time, ponies were unable to decide whether dragons should be classified as Beasts or Beings.

You see, despite their beast-like natures, Dragons are actually very intelligent. Many have formed colonies and a large percentage of younger dragons can communicate through actual languages.

However, an odd feature of the Dragon is that it seems to lose more intelligence the larger it becomes. This is because the size and appearance of a Dragon is completely dependant on its greed.

And these guys can be really greedy. I believe there was an incident in Ponyville not too long ago, there were reports of a dragon running wild.

Wasn't that Spike?

Spike? As in Twilight's small, purple, somewhat adorable, baby dragon Spike? Ha! That's a good one Shiera, sweet little Spike running wild?

Now that I think about it, that does sound a little far-fetched.

Why don't you add that to your book of times I was right?

I said I was writing a book on times you weren't right. Oh, never mind, we're getting sidetracked again.

Oh yeah, so another debate was held in Canterlot. Herpetologists, beast experts and even a variety of Dragons all attended to discuss ideas for the future of Dragonkind.

Eventually, after a heated argument, which literally involved a lot of heat from the Dragons' fire breath, the group came to a conclusion: any dragon possessing enough intelligence to speak, even if it posed a threat against ponies, and was able to fit into a society somewhere would be classified as a Being.

Then it was decided that any dragon who did not meet these terms would be classified as a Beast.

We actually have two stories about our encounters with a dragon. The first being during our time in Ponyville.

We were visiting a friend from Canterlot who had moved to Ponyville, going by the name of Twilight Sparkle, but I'm sure you know who that is.

If not, I'd suggest reading a book on Canterlot Royalty, the Elements of Harmony or unexpected fan groups.

What was that last one?

The fan groups? Twilight became very popular in Canterlot, nobody could have expected so many fans to pop up at once.

Oh, right, I thought you meant... Ah, never mind. As I was saying, we were visiting Twilight, just because we were in town and wanted to see an old friend, yet, when we approached her library, we heard the strange sound of fire crackling coming from within.

We pushed the door open slightly and a ray of green fire soared over our heads.

It turns out Twilight's assistant, Spike the Dragon, had fell asleep, and apparently dragons can be quite destructive when they snore.

Yes, Twilight was incredibly grateful. She nearly lost her whole collection of 'Teleportation through the Ages.'

Oh yes, how could she possibly go on living without 'Teleportation through the Ages?'

I know! It's such a good read!

...

What?

I'm pretty much you're only friend, aren't I?

...

...

...Yes.

...

...

...This is really awkward now. How about I just continue with the story?

...

Okay, I'm never going to hear the end of this am I?

...

So... as you can probably tell, Spike is a Dragon, but he's classified as a Being due to his friendly nature and ability of speech. The next time we met a Dragon we weren't so lucky.

...

We, um, we were exploring canyons up in the, uh, the Badlands, when we came across a rather gigantic cavern. Shiera thought she heard a rumbling noise come from inside, didn't you?

...

Okay then. So Shiera thought she heard a rumbling coming from inside, so I went forward to investigate, and um, well, let's just say Dragons don't like trespassers and we had to run.

...

Hang on, Shiera could you please stop looking at me like that?

...

*sighs* Alright, I'm sorry.

...

Don't give me that face.

...

Don't give me those sad eyes.

...

Please, anything but the eyes...

...

Okay! Alright, I'm really sorry! I was wrong again, okay? I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. Really, I am.

And?

And I love you, and you're beautiful.

And?

And I'm very lucky to have you. Hugs?

Later. We have a story tell first. After Strongbolt and I accidentally awoke the scaly beast we were pushed back into the canyons outside.

So there we were, cowering in a corner as the Dragon slowly approached. I say 'we' were cowering, I mean Shiera was-

...

Um, I mean Shiera was being really brave and awesome whilst I tried to formulate a plan.

When you're stuck in a difficult situation with a Dragon there isn't much you can do except keep running. Luckily for us, Strongbolt was able to do the one thing he isn't actually half bad at...

Flailing my arms randomly and beating lumps out of whatever I find.

I have to admit, it was pretty impressive. I've never actually seen a pony take on a Dragon in hoof-to-claw combat and win.

Unfortunately, Dragons have no real weaknesses, they're like us, just bigger, more reptilian and ninety-five times as dangerous.

You better just hope that you've got a bit of fight in you, or you've got someone with you who can teleport.

You always need a unicorn, eh? So... hugs?

...

...

Alright.

Ezemar

Now here's an interesting creature.

What? Ezemars? Are you sure we're on the same chapter?

What do you mean?

Well, Ezemars are small, pink and they look like turtles. How exactly are they interesting?

Sometimes it's not so much the appearance as it is the personality. Ezemars are known for being the creatures of romance.

Oh, of course.

You don't sound too enthusiastic.

I'm not too enthusiastic.

Why?

I'm not really the biggest fan of all that mushy-romantic stuff.

Mushy? I think it's quite cute. Perhaps SOMEBODY can learn something from the Ezemars.

Well, whoever that SOMEBODY is probably wants to know what Ezemars actually are.

You're hopeless sometimes. Anyway, Ezemars, also known as Turtle Loves (Turtle Doves, see the pun?), are, as Strongbolt explained, small, pink creatures that closely resemble turtles and share many of their traits.

For example: they both have shells, they're both very slow and they're both very boring to watch.

For some. I find them pretty adorable. You see, despite their animalistic appearance, they do in fact form large societies across the world and communicate through a language of clicks and snapping.

So they're actually Beings, even if they aren't that intelligent.

I wouldn't say that, Ezemars are actually one of the few species in the world that recognise emotions such as love. They often present each other with gifts such as flowers or food to represent their affection towards their partners, a trait that SOMEBODY should really have.

I'm not entirely sure what you're getting at, Shiera. But anyhow, Ezemars are generally passive, the only times they show aggression is when their friends or families are under threat.

Don't you find that sweet?

Not really.

Because I would if SOMEBODY gave me gifts or SOMEBODY looked after me like that or SOMEBODY actually remembered our anniversary!

Oh, that 'SOMEBODY' is me? Are we still talking about that anniversary thing?

Yes! How could you forget such an important day?

I didn't forget, I just... didn't remember.

That's the same as forgetting!

Well, does it really matter if on one day I didn't give you a gift to show my appreciation? Everyday I love you more and more and I know you love me back. It's not a question of who gives who what or who does what for who. It's just about loving your partner to the best of your ability and always being there for them. I'll always love you, isn't that what really matters?

Wow... that was beautiful.

Please don't start crying.

*Sniff*

Shiera, please.

*Sob*

Shiera, if you start crying, you know I'm going to cry too.

*Sniff*

Okay. I'll try not to.

You're alright?

I'm alright.

You sure?

I'm sure.

Okay, so that's all there is for...

Okay no I'm not.

*Cries*

Um, Shiera...

I love you, you know?

*Cries More*

I know.

I really do.

I know, I know. But right now we're writing a book, so could we save this for-

I'm really sorry I yelled at you.

*Cries Even More*

I know, it's okay.

*Continues to Cry*

Um, next chapter?

*Sniffles*

Okay.

Okay then. Let's-

*Still Cries*

This might take a while...

Flankenstein('s Monster)

Let me spin ye a horrifying tale! One of woe and pain and misery and suffering!

You missed a few commas...

It's called dramatic effect, Shiera! Now, as I was saying, this be the story of an old and crazy scientist named... Vincent Flankenstein!

I'm pretty sure the comma after the word 'saying' should be a colon.

Shiera, I'm trying to tell a story here, okay?

Okay.

So enough with the punctuational error stuff.

Okay, alright!

Thank you. A-hem, over a hundred years ago, in a small laboratory in a land far far away-

You missed another comma.

Oh for the love of biscuits... Fine! You tell the story!

If you insist. So, Doctor Vincent Flankenstein, a critically acclaimed yet nonetheless insane scientist, was beginning work on a new project. All his life, he had searched for, yet not found, the key to the creation of life. Through magic, it was impossible, but through science, this was not the case. Do you want to take over from here?

No, obviously my literature skills don't quite reach your expectations.

Alright then, be like that. Anyway, Flankenstein intended to give life, through the power of science, to a creature of his own design: a monstrous, equine being with green, patched skin and odd bolts protruding from his head. After numerous hours of work and the exercising of all of Flankenstein's scientific knowledge, he was able to create a form capable of withholding the essence of life once powered by a single bolt of lightning.

Continue.

You're pretty stubborn, aren't you?

No, apparently I'm just very illiterate.

*Aggravated Sigh*

The experiment was just about ready to take place, Flankenstein, being a pegasus, flew into the stormy sky and positioned a dark cloud directly above an antenna leading straight into his creation's heart. With a swift kick, a bolt of sheer energy electrified the laboratory. When Flankenstein returned to check if his plan had worked, he found nothing but an empty chair and a gaping hole in the wall.

Go on.

Are you going to be like this for the whole chapter?

Yep.

Really?

Oh yes.

*Sigh*

Alright, I promise I won't correct your poor writing skills.

Was that even an apology?

Fine, I'm sorry.

Alright.

Hugs?

Please.

Should we finish the story first?

I think it can wait.

It'll only take a minute.

Uh... Fine.

So, Flankenstein's monster (also known as just Flankenstein) had escaped. The creature fled to the nearest village, where it supposedly terrorised the local citizens.

However, some ponies say that he was merely defending himself and the villagers were actually the first to attack.

Other ponies say that Flankenstein was a horrible, mindless monstrosity who lived only to threaten pony kind.

Whereas some say that he was actually decently intelligent. Apparently he could talk just like a normal pony.

There's still a lot of mystery surrounding Flanksnstein.

Was he a Beast?

Was he a Being?

Where did he go?

Did he really exist? Who knows?

So... Hugs, now?

Didn't you use that joke a couple chapters ago?

Your point being?

Didn't you say that too?

Am I getting a hug or not?

Okay!

Fruit Bats

There are actually two known types of Fruit Bats in existence: Regular and Vampire.

We'll do our best to explain both types, so for now, let's start with Regular Fruit Bats.

Regular Fruit Bats, as the name suggests, are bat-like creatures that feed off of various types of fruit.

Unlike normal bats, they are multicoloured and have bodies that closely resemble different types of fruit. The fruit that their body resembles usually corresponds to the fruit they eat.

For example: yellow Fruit Bats, whose bodies resemble lemons, are very fond of lemons. Scientists believe that this trait is due to the Fruit Bats' colourblindness. Fruit Bats can only see their own colour, making their fruit less inconspicuous.

Is colourblindness even a real word?

There's no red line on autocorrect.

What's an autocorrect?

It's a magical program that prevents spelling errors.

Sounds useful.

It's actually pretty annoying, especially when you're writing letters to someone. Why the heck does 'Pegasus' have to spelled with a capital P? And why is 'Equestria' not in the dictionary?

Wait, why did you get autocorrect?

Well, I thought you'd probably make the odd mistake or two...

What are you trying to say?

Um... I love you?

That only works when I say it.

I think we're going off topic.

Ah, true. Back to Fruit Bats. They are known to be generally harmless to pony-kind, however, they do damage a large portion of crop harvest. Some towns have been known to almost starve to death because of Fruit Bat infestations. There's only one way to get rid of them, and that is-

Intense heat.

That's funny, I thought I was speaking.

Oh, sorry. Carry on.

No, no, you've already interrupted now, you carry on.

*Hugs*

Better now?

I think I can make an exception... just this time. So, yeah, Fruit Bats can't take heat. They dry up like, well, fruit.

You may now wonder: how does one go about supplying heat? Well, you'll need somebody with a lot of magical experience.

You always need a unicorn, eh?

Heat wave spells can be performed or, if the situation is especially desperate, a letter may be sent to Princess Celestia requesting an increase in heat from the sun at a particular area.

Now, if you think Regular Fruit Bats are bad, wait until you hear about the Vampire versions.

Vampire Fruit Bats are twice as fast...

...twice as hungry...

...twice as strong...

...and twice as relentless.

They're generally peaceful, they just tend to eat a lot.

Peaceful? They're ruthless! Unlike their Regular counterparts, they suck the innards straight out and reduce their unsuspecting prey to a pile of rotten mush.

Well, they're only trying to look out for their families.

Vampire Fruit Bats care only for themselves and their gigantic appetites. They obliterate orchards overnight!

But, in fairness, they do spit out the seeds so more trees can grow.

There's no time to wait for the trees to grow!

Hm.

What?

I feel like we should be singing right now.

Strangely enough, so do I. But this is a book of stories, not songs.

Very true. So let me tell you the story of when we met the Vampire Fruit Bats.

Yay, story time.

There is a small forest made entirely of apple trees on the outskirts of the Badlands. At the time, we were unaware of the population of Vampire Fruit Bats living in the area. We couldn't see any in the trees and so assumed we were safe.

What we also didn't know was that Vampire Fruit Bats disguise themselves beneath the shadows of a tree's canopy.

Yes, it gave us quite the fright when a dozen red eyes appeared beneath the leaves. It gave us more of a fright when an army of Vampire Fruit Bats burst out into the forest.

I think you mean: it gave you quite a fright.

What are you talking about? You must have flown at least ten feet into the air.

Well, I am a pegasus. We do tend to fly.

No, I mean you were terrified.

I was not! I stood proudly and laughed a hearty stallion's laugh.

More like a little filly's scream.

Well, either way, the bats didn't dare come close.

That's because they're not hostile.

No, I think it's because they were afraid.

Afraid of what?

Me, of course!

...

...

Seriously?

Seriously.

...

...

Have I ever told you that you can be an idiot sometimes.

Yep, I believe you said it in the Cockatrice chapter.

Oh yes, I remember, now. You're still an idiot.

Griffon/Gryphon

A Griffon is a Being with the head and claws of an eagle, body and tail of a lion and a temper between that's a mixture of the two.

You mean 'Gryphon', not 'Griffon.'

I'm pretty sure it's spelt Griffon.

No, it's Gryphon.

Griffon.

Gryphon.

Griffon

Gryphon.

Griffon.

Buffalo.

Wrong chapter, you idiot... and it's still Griffon.

It is not!

Fine, you say Gryphon and I'll say Griffon.

Deal, so Gryphons are generally alright, they can get a bit aggressive and are known to pick on smaller creatures, but they're a proud race, very proud and very patriotic.

Insult one Griffon and you insult their whole nation.

And believe me: you do not want to annoy the Gryphon nation. We've already been through enough wars.

Yes, in all truthfulness, we don't have the greatest history with the Griffons...

I've lost track of how many fights, feuds and falling outs we've had with them. Seems like we can't go three months without another Pony versus Gryphon scandal.

But Griffons aren't creatures to be feared, they're generally quite nice. They were pretty helpful when we got stranded in the Bleakland.

That's the area of the Badlands that borders on the Gryphon Kingdom. It's dry, dangerous and completely deserted. Not even bacteria lives out there...

So as you can imagine, it's quite... well, bleak. And we weren't exactly prepared for the harsh conditions.

Well, if that blasted street performer hadn't blotched up that teleportation spell...

Yeah, long story short: a certain 'friend-of-a-friend', who claimed to be an expert in magic, promised us a quick trip home.

'Great and Powerful' my hoof. Somehow she managed to send us in the complete wrong direction. Three weeks it took us, three weeks to get back to Equestria!

We wouldn't have gotten anywhere if it weren't for those friendly Griffons.

True. Even if they tried to kill me.

They did apologise, that's rare enough for a Griffon.

I suppose so. But those claws hurt.

Oh please, they barely scratched you.

And did they scratch you?

Well, no.

Then shut it!

But, I...

*Sniffle*

Um... I, uh...

*Sob*

I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you.

Works every time.

Wow, you're unbelievable.

Yep, and you're an egocentric idiot. But you're my egocentric idiot.

I'm not entirely sure what that means, but I'll take it as: 'I love you.'

Back to the Griffons?

You mean: 'Back to the Gryphons?'

*Sigh*

Whatever.

Basically, after a brief misunderstanding, the Gryphons realised that we weren't in fact trying to invade their kingdom, gave us some supplies and directed us home.

Yes, it was nice of them to help us. Although, I'm not sure if they wanted to assist or just wanted us to leave.

Careful, Shiera, you might start another war.

And if you do manage to find yourself in an uncomfortable situation with a Griffon, you must remember their one weakness-

Sharp objects!

No, fire.

Oh, yes! Gryphon wings are strong, but their feathers are delicate and incredibly flammable. Once they lose them, they're grounded, giving you the advantage.

Was it wise to tell everyone that?

What do you mean?

Well, what if a Griffon reads this? We've kinda just told everyone their sole weakness.

Good point.

...

...

...

Perhaps we should start running.

Hoofnipper

Hoofnippers are pesky little nuisances that live in dense woodlands, like the Everfree Forest near Ponyville.

They take the appearance of a lilac-coloured clam shell and hide in open clearings.

Most of the time, they travel in packs, so it's likely that you'll come across at least ten or twenty at a time.

The Hoofnippers get their name from... Well, you can probably guess.

For some peculiar reason, a Hoofnipper's sole desire is to gnaw on the legs of ponies. They will wait, utterly motionless, in an area where they are clearly visible, then when a pony approaches to investigate the odd gathering of clams, they spring into life and nibble at the unfortunate victim's feet with hundreds of tiny razor blade teeth.

Hoofnippers actually hide a dozen spiny legs underneath their shells that will extend when necessary. This makes them totally inconspicuous until they jump out at you.

Just like me. Completely invisible until the moment I strike.

You? Inconspicuous? Don't make me laugh! Anything can hear the gigantic thudding of your clumsy hooves.

I do not 'thud', I gallop gracefully.

Well, it was your 'graceful galloping' that alerted the Hoofnippers back in the Everfree Forest.

How was I suppose to know that the clams were Hoofnippers.

I said: "Watch out, Strongbolt. Those look like Hoofnippers." But of course, you charged ahead, completely oblivious to what you were doing.

Until one of the little blighters launched itself onto my face and nipped my nose.

*Laughs*

You were running in circles screaming: "Shiera, get it off!"

I'm pretty sure I didn't sound that desperate. Why did it bite my face anyway? I thought they only nibbled hooves.

I guess that one just didn't like you. You're pretty lucky I had that salt on me. You see, salt is a Hoofnipper's weakness, just a little sprinkle will cause them to shake an sizzle.

Yes, where would I be without you?

I wonder that myself sometimes. Probably still living at home with your parents, unemployed, no friends, utterly alone...

Hey! I have other friends!

Like who?

Shining Armor, Twilight, that guy from high school...

'That guy from high school?' What an odd name for a pony.

Guffer! That was his name, Guffer.

You mean: 'Gaffer.' The guy we played Ogres and Oubliettes with.

Wait a minute... we never played that game.

Oh, really? You... um, you don't remember?

No, I'm pretty sure we never played it.

*Gulp*

Um, you know, I think you're right, actually. We... um, we never-

Hold it! Did you play 'Ogres and Oubliettes' in high school? Isn't that game meant for colts?

Okay, next chapter!

Human

I can't believe we're actually writing a chapter about Who-mans.

It's 'Humans', and for the record, there have been sightings-

Sightings? Oh come on, just because a few ponies eat too much sugar and start thinking they're seeing tall, fleshy creatures, it does not mean Who-mans exist. There's no solid evidence.

'Humans', Strongbolt, not 'Who-mans.' And besides, there's been hundreds of reports from all across Equestria.

And I suppose Slender Mane also exists? Or what about 'The Pony of Shadows?'

Well, you never know. There are rumours-

And they're just rumours, there's no facts or evidence.

Well, we've already started writing now so you've no choice but to continue.

Blast. Foiled again.

Okay, let's see, Humans. Very peculiar creatures-

Mythical creatures.

Fine, very peculiar mythical creatures. Their bodies are covered in flesh rather than fur, they stand on only two legs and they have long, um...

Claws?

No, I think they have a different name.

Aren't they called feet?

No, feet are what you walk on, they use these things for picking up objects and doing a lot of other stuff. Well, whatever they are, they're pretty useful.

But they come with a price. Who-mans supposedly have neither wings or magic.

It is said that Humans live in a universe alongside our own and that for every pony who exists in Equestria, a Human counterpart exists in their world.

So apparently there's a tall, skin-covered Strongbolt and Shiera in this other world. Perhaps they're writing a book too?

Did you know that there is supposedly another dimension beyond the Human dimension with more Humans living in it.

Oh really?

Yeah, and apparently those Humans live in a more... defined world.

Define defined.

As in, everything is more detailed, but a lot less colourful.

I don't know, sounds a bit far-fetched to me. I mean, do you honestly believe that somewhere out there is an alternate dimension beyond another alternate dimension where Who-mans are the superior Beings, there's no magic or flying and no other creatures are even remotely intelligent.

I have to agree with you there. Although, if that universe did exist, the Humans would probably have legends or something about our world. They'd never know that all this time they were living alongside the very universe they hadn't believed existed.

Yeah, and what if after all that time those legends evolved into other things like books or shows?

And what if a lot of Humans were fans of these shows or books? What if they wrote their own fan stories about us?

They would never know that we were really there.

...

...

*Giggles*

*Laughs*

Yeah right!

*Wipes tear from eye*

That would never happen. Ha.

*Still Laughs*

Oh, can you imagine? A world full of Who-man pony-fans, how ridiculous.

Hydra

Yikes. Hydras are not fun.

Oh yes, you do not want to mess around with one of these guys.

Perhaps we should explain what a Hydra actually is?

Of course, a Hydra is a large, slimy, grimy, smelly, slippery, reptilian creatures with incredibly long, flexible necks.

They usually have either orangey-brown or murky green scales. This allows them to disguise themselves within the swamps and marshlands where they are found.

Most Hydras remain completely inconspicuous to the naked eye and can elude pony-kind very easily. Waiting and watching until the perfect opportunity to strike.

Just take caution when exploring boggy areas. Hydras, like most amphibious creatures, are rather fond of the ponds. Sometimes you can spot a Hydra if you pay close attention to the water.

Unfortunately for us, the time we met a Hydra was not one of those times.

Somehow we'd managed to get ourselves lost in the 'Swamplife Sanctuary' outside Los Pegasus...

What do you mean by 'somehow?' You read the map wrong!

I'm an old stallion, Shiera, I don't know how any of these fancy new technological items work!

Okay, first of all, you're twenty-seven years old and second: it was a paper-bound map, not a computer.

What's a computer?

Never mind. So, after Strongbolt got us stranded, we wandered around in the murky marshlands for a while.

Long story short: Hydra jumps out, starts flailing it's several heads around and runs towards us.

Luckily, Hydras only have two stubby, nubby, chubby legs to support their large bodies, in other words: they don't get anywhere to quickly. We managed to escape.

But don't be fooled, those guys can launch their heads towards you and make them spring back like gigantic, pony-eating yo-yos.

Remember: a Hydra is not a tourist attraction. Don't stop and stare or take pictures.

Or else the next vacation you take could lead straight to the Underworld.

If you do find yourself in a 'tense' situation with a Hydra, there's not too much you can do.

If you do find one, it's best to just run. Hydras do not have many weaknesses... well, apart from swords and knives and bullets and-

I think what Strongbolt is trying to say is: you should not attack a Hydra unless you are a trained expert.

In fact, I've created a little rhyme to help you remember:
Watch out for the Hydras, down in the swamp.
Their gigantic teeth go 'chomp, chomp, chomp.'
Get out of there quickly and don't hang around.
Or else you'll probably get eaten or swallowed then put through a painful digestion process that'll most likely dip you acid and rip you apart completely.

Wow, beautiful.

Jelster

The name Jelster is derived from the words Jester and Jelly, it's a portmanteau meant to represent-

*Yawn*

Something wrong?

What? Oh, no. Please continue.

So, as I was saying, the name is a combination of two words, each of which represent an important characteristic of-

*Louder Yawn*

Are you sure you're alright?

Yeah, go on.

Um, sure... Jelsters received their names because of their main two traits-

*Obnoxiously Loud Yawn*

Okay, seriously, what are you doing?

Nothing.

Nothing?

Mm-hm.

Then why the '*Obnoxiously Loud Yawn*'?

Wait, you can see that?

This is a book, you daft fool, I see everything you say and do!

Yeah, I probably could have been more subtle about that...

About what?

Well, Shiera. There's no easy way to say this... It's not you, so much as it's me... Actually, scratch that, it's completely you, nothing to do with me.

What are you trying to say?

*Deep Breath*

Shiera... you're boring us.

B-boring?! This is interesting stuff!

Yeah, it's interesting, just not when you write it.

Well, let's see you do it, Mr Eccentric.

Gladly. Jelsters are wacky creatures that look like large cubes of jelly. They're tricky little things, because-

*Incredibly Loud Obnoxious Yawn*

...

...

*Laughs*

Okay, I'll give you that one.

Shall we carry on? And this time without the yawning?

Agreed.

Basically, a Jelster is a gelatinous cube, an invertebrate naturally with no internal organs except a central nervous system and a tiny brain.

The 'Jester' part of their name comes from their oddly humorous ability of taking the shape of generally whatever they come across.

When we found a family of Jelsters they quite comically took on smaller forms of ourselves.

I still don't think they copied my complexion exactly. My belly looked a little bit podgy too.

I think they did a pretty good job, actually.

What exactly are you trying to say?

Um... they're a mixture of cute and funny?

Just like me.

Eleven years ago maybe.

And to this day I'm still just as brilliant.

Oh brother...

Well, that just about sums it up for the Jelsters, but here's one final word of warning: don't leave your sandwich near them. They have a strange habit of absorbing food and dissolving it in their jelly bellies-

*Yawn*

...

...

Really?

Oh, that time I was actually tired.

Suuuuure. That's what all the liars say.

Jumquap

Jumquaps are remarkably similar to Germoths in appearance, but the same can't be said about their personalities.

Whereas Germoths are large, blue, short-tempered, territorial wasps, Jumquaps are good-sized, cyan, peaceful friendly bee-things.

As we explained before, Germoths are known for attacking just about anything and travelling alone. Jumquaps, on the other hand, are completely passive, I don't think there has ever been a report of a Jumquap harming anything... except in self-defence, of course.

But they rarely have to defend themselves. You see, Jumquaps never travel alone, sometimes they come in packs or 'hives' of up to two hundred.

It's very overwhelming and somewhat threatening to see a load of big blue bees fly over your head.

Especially since they're so friendly that they literally hug anything they can find.

The only problem is: a Jumquap's equivalent of a hug is rubbing its wings against your face. And when you've got two hundred bees rubbing against your face, you tend to get kinda scared. Just like Strongbolt did...

What?! I was not scared. I don't get scared! I'm a stallion!

Oh really?

Yes.

Then why did you run around screaming: "Help! Shiera!"?

I was not screaming "Help! Shiera!" I was shouting "Help? Shiera?" I was not scared, I was concerned.

Concerned?

Yep. Concerned for your safety. That's why I was asking you if you needed help, by saying: "Help? Shiera?"

My safety?

Oh yes.

Well, that would be sweet, if I was actually in danger.

Hey, I had a horde of bees buzzing around my head, how was I supposed to know what was going on?

Hm. You know, I never thought about it like that, thanks sweetie.

*Kiss*

Oh... um, you're welcome.

Wait a minute!

What? What's wrong?

We didn't put the 'Romance' tag on this story!

So?

So, no acts of love.

Why don't we just put the Romance tag on then?

Strongbolt, you know nobody reads a Romance book, not even me!

Not even Twilight?

Why do you think she threw out all those copies of 'Bridle and Prejudice?'

*Gasp*

Shiera! Whatever you do, don't turn on the Romance tag!

Wait a minute, if we don't write it then it's okay right?

Good idea. *Definitely Does Not Kiss Shiera Back*

Katalope

Ever heard of a Jackalope?

As in the magical rabbit-thing with antlers?

That's the one.

Yeah, what about it?

Well, if a Jackalope is an antlered rabbit, then what do you think a Katalope is?

Why are you talking to me like I'm a five year old?

I'm not, I'm just trying to add a simple educational aspect to our stories.

Shiera, the kind of 'educational aspect' you're talking about is the same kind that hear from those really cheesy children entertainers or on one of those kids shows that teach 'valuable lessons' about friendship or something.

What would you know about kids shows that teach lessons about friendship?

Well...

...

Ah, never mind. Let's talk about Katalopes.

Whatever you say.

A Katalope is a cat-like creature with large antlers. It's face is fairly flat and wide, but it's body is long and slinky.

It closely resembles a small leopard, however, it's fur is brown with blonde spots instead of pale yellow with black spots.

The Katalope species was only discovered around twenty years ago when famous explorer Alfonoso 'The Compass' Pointer was travelling across the Badlands and he fell into a small ditch leading to an underground Katalope den.

Being the endangered species that they are, Katalopes are forced to take drastic actions to stay alive. Including living underground.

They've been placed on the 'SERA' (Super-Endangered-Red-Alert) list. This means that anybody found causing harm to them will instantly receive a sentence of up to fifty years in prison... or banishment to the moon.

Because they are SERA classified, they also obtain a place on the 'honorary Beast list', just to inflate their importance.

Don't you hate it when ponies inflate their own importance. I would never do that. I'm too awesome.

*Facehooves*

Loch-Lich

A Loch-Lich (pronounced lok-li-ch) is a terrifying creature that lurks within large lakes.

In mythical folklore and whatnot, Liches are depicted as ghostly, undead beings who wreak havoc among the living. The Loch-Lich is no exception. They are said to be the ghosts of evil ponies who drowned in the lakes.

Technically, they have no body, just a collection of bones in a mixture of ominous ectoplasmic residue (ghost jelly) that takes the form of a tall pony with no mane, tail or eyes.

The 'ghost jelly' stuff also glows an eerie shade of green, just to add to the spookiness.

As you can probably tell, the name. Loch-Lich, is derived from the word Loch (meaning lake) and Lich (meaning big scary zombie ghost thing)

In other words, they're only found in lakes.

Perhaps it's best for us to tell our tale?

Agreed.

So, it was a dark and quiet night, we were camping in the woods just outside Hayseed Swamp.

Whilst I was putting up our tent, I noticed a sudden change in the wind: it stopped completely.

We gazed around, and in the distance I spotted an odd lime-green glow coming from behind a line of trees.

So I boldly stepped forward and offered to investigate.

What are you talking about? I went forward and you followed afterwards.

Point is: we followed the glow and it led us to a mysterious lake.

Beneath the water we could make out the shape of a pony, but it was obscured by the green light

At first I thought: "Son of a saddle! I think some-pony is trapped down there!" And I bravely dived in and swam down.

The Beast turned its eyeless carcass towards us and watched for a moment, mouth wide open with teeth baring.

Realising that it was definitely not a pony in danger, I bolted to the surface and jumped onto shore, much to Shiera's surprise.

The Loch-Lich rose out of the water and floated towards us.

Usually in movies the characters just stand there and the monster eats them. Let's just say things turned out pretty differently...

Evidently, Katalopes really like the taste of ectoplasm. It's ironic how a rare species saved us from an even rarer species.

I guess they were waiting for a pony to lure the Loch-Lich out so they could eat it. Which they did.

All that was left was a pile of old bones.

If you're worried about Loch-Liches, then don't be: they're quite rare, actually. Only a few have ever been reported and most of their lakes are condemned. We just happened to find one that wasn't.

Even though Loch-Liches are incredibly dangerous (they tend to snack on pony souls), it is said that harming them is very unethical, since they are so few in numbers.

So, if you are unfortunate enough to stumble upon a Loch-Lich, you'd better hope there are some Katalopes nearby...

...or you could just run.

Yes. Running works too.

Mendredian

Have you ever wondered: "What would an evil version of me would be like?"

Have you ever asked: "What would I be like if my personality was reversed?"

Have you ever thought: "Could I fit a cupcake up my nose?"

Have you- Wait, what?

Oh, um, nothing. The point is: a lot of ponies want to know what they would be like if they were evil.

Mendredians are exactly that.

They begin life as an orb of liquid Malumium (bad magic stuff), they are called "Membryos" and they have no personality whatsoever, in fact, they aren't even alive at this point.

What happens next is completely dependant on who or what they find next.

They are fairly similar to Changelings because they both possess the ability to transform into something else. However, unlike Changelings, Mendredians keep the first form they take.

The shape-shifting process works like this: firstly, an unsuspecting creature wanders near a Membryo.

Then the Membryo scans the creature with its magical aura.

It begins to grow and change to fit the shape of the creature, then the Malumium readjusts to create a similar colour to that of the original creature, just a little darker.

Because Malumium is pure, evil magic, it's only natural that the newly formed Mendredian has evil traits. In many cases Mendredians appear to have the exact opposite of the original creature's personality, which often involves them being totally insane.We know this from experience, by the way.

Oh yes, we met the evil Strongbolt and Shiera. And believe me, they aren't pleasant.

They were the exact opposites of ourselves, with an added tint of craziness. They called themselves 'Strongbad and Shievil.'

Yes, I remember now. Strongbad looked just like Strongbolt (except a bit greyer), however, his characteristics were completely different. He was cruel, mean... and intelligent.

Yeah he- Wait, hey!

*Laughs*

Yeah, you know I think I remember Shievil... her legs were much skinnier.

*Stops Laughing*

Wait, what? My legs aren't- you jerk!

You started it!

You should never call a girl fat!

But you're always talking about how you want to lose weight.

Well you're not supposed to agree with me!

I... I will never understand females.

Well, here's a tip...

*Jabs in the eye*

Ow! Hey. No physical violence, this a child-friendly book!

Fine, I'll deal with you later.

Have I ever told you how cute you are when you're annoyed?

You really are asking me to hurt you now.

Oh... Yikes.

*Inhales*

*Watches*

*Exhales*

*Watches Anxiously*

*Grits teeth*

Okay, so after the Mendredians took our form they attacked us then fled into the nearby town of Fillydelphia, where they began wreaking havoc.

Pretty horrid stuff. Stealing, vandalism, littering and all kinds of despicable acts.

The villagers believed we were the ones who had had committed the crimes and tried to arrest us when we arrived in town-

They would have thrown us in jail too if-

Strongbolt!

*Whimper*

Y-Yes, sweetheart?

I hadn't finished speaking.

*Quietly*

Okay.

So don't interrupt.

*Even Quieter*

Okay.

Wait until I finish my sentence... sweetheart.

*Practically Inaudible Now*

Okay.

*Clears Throat*

They would have thrown us in jail too if the Mendredians hadn't shown up at the scene.

*Cough*

What?

Can I speak now?

Yes.

Okay. So we argued for a while over who was the real Strongbolt and Shiera, until I just got bored and threw a brick at them.

Again with the brick? Why the brick?

*Shrugs*

Can't be too cautious.

Whatever. The shock caused the Strongbad's form to shimmer, revealing the Malumium inside him. They were thrown into the local prison, and I'm pretty sure they're still there now.

So all's well that ends well, I guess. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go now before by wife attacks me.

You know I locked the door, right? And the windows.

*Gulp*

Oh, really? W-Why?

*Shrugs*

Can't be too cautious.

*Grins*

Noctoclett

A Noctoclett (Nok-Tok-Let) is a small, furry creature found within large plains or meadows. Its entire body is coated in spiked, black hair.

Its is small and circular in shape and it's face is built into its torso, which also acts as it's head. It has no arms or legs, just a pair of claws and feet that can tuck into its bushy body.

Noctocletts are the nocturnal versions of Ocletts (explained later), so naturally, they only ever come out at night.

They are generally quite safe, just very antisocial. Unlike regular, garden-variety Ocletts, they prefer to stick to themselves and their own communities. They rarely ever converse with or even acknowledge anything that isn't one of their own kind.

Noctocletts are also carnivorous, however, as far as we know they've never actually eaten a pony.

They usually get around by tucking their claws and feet inside their fur, then propelling themselves forward.

Because of their spherical shape, they can roll freely and generally get anywhere pretty quickly.

We met a group of Noctocletts rolling around gloomily in the meadows near Ponyville.

We were camping out under Luna's moon...

That's a bit of an overused expression.

What do you mean?

Well, everypony says "Luna's moon"; it's getting kind of repetitive.

So? It's not like somebody wrote a set of rules or a guide on what you should and shouldn't put in your writing.

...

...

...

Actually... Well, never mind. Let's continue.

Good idea. So we were setting up our tent when a group of Noctocletts rolled (literally rolled) passed us.

A few of them stopped and stared at us for a second, blinked twice, then carried on.

That was all we saw really. They didn't do much else.

So, they aren't too exciting, pretty glum, but they're alright.

Ocletts, on the other hoof, are a whole different story...

I see what you did there.

Oclett

Ocletts are small, furry- Ah, we went through this already.

If you haven't read the 'Noctocletts' chapter then I suggest doing so. In fact, if you haven't read it then why are you even here? You have to read them in alphabetical order!

That's a bit... obsessive, isn't it?

*Twitch*

What do you mean? I've got OCD remember?

Yes, I remember. You spent a whole day reorganising the library into chronological order, then order of size, then alphabetical position, then author's name...

I don't think we need to go into too much detail on that subject.

What did you settle on in the end?

I think I just put them back to how they were. Not that you helped.

What are you talking about? I helped!

You came in once and said: "Hey, Shiera, look what I can do with my ears."

And you said: "Not now, Strongbolt." So I assumed you were alright.

Well, you should still be more considerate.

Alright, I will. Anyhow, we were talking about Ocletts.

Of course. Ocletts are small, furry creatures with a spherical body. They come in a variety of bright colours.

Unlike their gloomy, nocturnal counterparts, Ocletts are hyperactive and very bouncy.

Literally. They move around by bouncing.

They are incredibly friendly. If they find anything new, regardless of whether or not it's dangerous, they jump straight at it and bounce around.

That's just their way of saying "hello." Apparently, they have a complex language of bounces, but nopony has ever really figured it out.

They don't make too much sense, when we met an Oclett it just kinda hopped over and tried to cuddle my hoof.

At which point you screamed: "Ah! A fuzzy football!" And kicked it across the meadow.

Well, at least it didn't get hurt.

It broke three bones and lost a tooth. We had to carry it to the vet's, remember?

Oh yeah. Moral of the story: don't kick fuzzy footballs.

Um... sure?

And about that OCD thing... If it makes you feel any better, I'm a little slysdexic.

You mean 'dyslexic?'

Point proven.

Octopony

Now, I know what you're thinking: "A half-octopus-half-pony-creature? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of!"

The name is actually very misleading. An Octopony (literally meaning eight ponies) is a special type of pony with a very peculiar magical ability.

You see, the name Octopony is given to anypony who catches Octopotency. A disease that temporarily boosts an individual's skillst; making them around eight times as powerful (hence the 'octo' part).

Basically, if a pony with a talent for racing became an Octopony, they would run eight times as fast.

That's a lot of horse power... literally.

Scientists believe Octopotency was the result of an incredibly powerful magical event around three thousand years ago and the 'disease' we are witnessing today is just the result of some magical radiation.

Strangely enough, Octopotency only effects the talent that corresponds with its host's cutie mark.

*Giggles*

What?

Its just the sound of you saying 'cutie mark'.

Well I didn't come up with the name! I mean why not call it 'talent mark', or 'skill mark' or just 'mark'?

But what if your name was Mark, and your mark was marked with a marker?

Well, then your mark would be marked as marked with a marker.

But wouldn't marking your mark as marked with a marker whilst your name was Mark be a little confusing?

Nopony called Mark has a mark marked with a marker that is marked as marked with a marker anyway. You mark my words.

Alright, if you say so.

Now, where was I?

You were remarking something about cutie marks..

Oh yes! So, Octopotency is only known to effect a pony's main talent.

It's a fairly rare disease, you usually only get it once or not at all in your lifetime.

Have you ever caught Octopotency?

No, have you?

Yeah, don't you remember? It was back in high school.

Of course. A lot of Arachnopliths died that day.

Well, that's all there is for Omniponies, if you believe you are a victim of Octopotency be sure to contact your local doctor.

I think we can mark this chapter as completed.

Parasprite

Parasprites are adorable, insect-like creatures that live in large forests.

But don't let their looks deceive you! Parasprites are dastardly little monsters that can destroy entire towns overnight.

Luckily, Parasprite outbreaks are very uncommon. They remain dormant throughout most of the year and only venture outside their homes once every summer.

They may seem innocent, but their effect can be devastating. You see, they just don't stop eating! They'll eat fruit, cake, fruitcake, vegetables, veggie-tables, real tables, bricks - anything!

And after they've finished eating they cough up a small ball of mucus that develops into another Parasprite, who repeats the cycle.

How... delightful.

It's a very strange method of reproduction; unlike any other known to pony-kind.

Except Ransers.

Oh, yeah, Ransers are weird too. We'll do those later, for now let's talk about our adventure with the Parasprites.

Certainly. It happened a few summers ago, just after the Mendredians attacked us (see Mendredian chapter for further detail).

We were about to pack up our belongings and leave Fillydelphia, when suddenly we heard a scream from outside.

I peaked out of our hotel window to find a mare running from two peculiar, blue and green, spherical creatures with insect-like wings.

At first I thought: "What's all the ruckus-"

Fracas!

Fine. "What's all the fracas about? It's just four, adorable little- wait, four?"

We realised that they were starting to multiply and ran outside as quickly as we could. But by that time, the Parasprites had grown twice in number and were gnawing their way through the local bakery.

The result of their infestation was pretty bad. They chomped almost half of the town's food supplies and would have done more had Celestia not shown up.

Luckily, she was able to use an effective method of Parasprite removal: music.

Oddly enough, a melody is the only thing Parasprites enjoy more than food. They'll follow just about anyone who provides a bit of music to their ears, regardless of where they are taken.

Rumour has it that Princess Celestia led them back to the nearby forest. They died out just a week later from food deprivation.

It's a shame that there's no other alternative. But they are Equestria's most dangerous pest. Sometimes you've just got to take action.

Pony

Equestria! Yeah!

What was that?

Patriotism. Now let's talk about the one creature I actually understand!

Okay... So, if you're reading this, then you probably already know what a pony is.

Or you are a pony.

Either way, it's incredibly likely that you're aware of the existence of ponies.

But just in case you don't, we will explain! Firstly, you have to understand that there are countless varieties of ponies all across the world, however, there are four main species of pony-kind, and they are as follows...

Let's start with Earth Ponies; these are your basic breed of pony: equine in structure, four hooves, one nuzzle, lots of colours... you can probably picture them.

That's great, now onto Pegasi!

Not yet, we still have more to explain. Earth Ponies were supposedly the only original type of ponies. They have founded many towns and colonies and are known to be especially talented in farming and manufacturing.

Yep, Earth Ponies, quite normal and kinda boring-

Hey!

I mean... they're pretty cool... but not as cool as Pegasi.

Well, how about we save the 'coolest' until later?

Well... that backfired.

So for now, we'll describe the next breed: Unicorns.

Uh, fine, whatever. Unicorns are like Earth Ponies in pretty much every way except they have a horn. Anyway, onto Pega-

Unicorns can use their horns to perform various magical acts. Unicorn magic supposedly comes from 'within' and is expelled through the horn at an individual's will.

That may seem cool... but being a Unicorn has its disadvantages.

For instance: most Unicorns can be quite frantic in tense situations and tend to panic more than other subspecies of ponies.

Most of them are friendly, but some abuse their power... as most magical creatures do.

What do you mean by 'abuse their power'?

As in try to bring harm to others using it.

And who exactly does this?

Well, let's see. There's Nightmare Moon, King Sombra, Chrysalis... the list goes on.

Point taken, but that doesn't mean all Unicorns possess these traits. More often than not, Unicorns will use their magic to help their community thrive and prosper.

You know, now that I think about it, I can't name one villain who doesn't have magic...

We get the point, Strongbolt.

Don't get me wrong, I think Unicorns are quite useful... too bad we don't have one.

They're not pets, Strongbolt, they're Ponies! You can't just walk down to an animal shelter and pick one up.

I know... I'm just saying: you always need a Unicorn.

Let's move on to Pegasi before Strongbolt offends anybody else.

Woo! Go Pegasi!

So Pegasi are-

Only the most awesome creatures in all of Equestria and pretty much anywhere else in the world for that matter.

For how long have you been waiting for this?

Since the Aaroclict chapter.

But that was the first-

Exactly! Now, if you don't mind, I'll continue: Pegasi have the bodies of normal ponies (except much more athletic and muscular), but instead of lousy farming abilities...

Lousy?!

...or some flimsy horn, we have gracefully powerful, super-majestic-totally-amazing wings!

*Cough*

And a gigantic ego...

What was that?

Oh, nothing, I was just saying how Pegasi are able to utilise their wings in various air-related tasks.

Like flying, creating breezes or moving clouds.

On the subject of clouds, Pegasi are the only type of pony (except Alicorns) who are born naturally with the ability to touch clouds. Any other species of pony will fall right through.

Which makes us useful as weather controllers. Too be honest, I don't think Equestria could live without Pegasi...

Why not?

Because we make it rain. And everyone knows that you need water to grow food.

But, Earth Ponies farm the food.

Which they couldn't get if they didn't have rain.

Which Pegasi couldn't make if they didn't get food.

Oh, please! How difficult can putting a seed under some dirt be?

There's a lot more it to it than that, you have to consider the humidity, soil moisture-

Uh, must you bore us with your useless mud knowledge?

I'm just saying, Earth Ponies are kind of important. After all, we do provide all the resources across Equestria.

Yeah, but not nearly as important or awesome as Pegasi.

Is it me, or is it getting cold in here?

Hm. Yeah, I guess it is kinda chilly.

Perhaps we should move on to Alicorns.

Yeah, good idea.

An Alicorn is a pony with both a horn and wings.

They're alright... but only because they're half Pegasus.

Alicorns possess the abilities of both Pegasi and Unicorns. This means flying and magic, though they tend to be exceedingly good at both.

Yes, for some reason, any pony who is born as or ascends to the rank of an Alicorn gains incredible magical power. Alicorn magic is totally unmatched by that of a Unicorn.

The most noticeable aspect of the Alicorns is that a majority are royalty. There are currently four royal Alicorns in Equestria: Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, Princess Twilight Sparkle and Princess Mi Amore Cadenza.

Fun fact: 'Mi Amore Cadenza' is Istallion for 'My Love Cadence.'

I didn't know you speak Istallion.

Didn't you ever wonder where the name Strongbolt Giovanni Antonio de Trinidad Stonewing came from? Especially the middle bit?

Oh, yeah, I knew your family were; I just didn't know you spoke it.

Yeah, I do.

Why haven't you ever spoke it before?

Never needed to.

Oh, right.

So, anyhow, the royals-

But, why didn't you mention it? I mean, you've never told me...

Does it bother you that you didn't know that I spoke Istallion?

*Gulp*

What? No!

Yes it does.

N-No it doesn't!

Yes, yes it does!

I, um, I have no idea what you're talking about!

You can't take the fact that you didn't know something about me.

Well, that's your job!

*Smugly*

Hey, if it makes you feel any better, this doesn't make you a bad wife.

Why would you even say that?

*Laughs Slightly*

I'm just kidding.

I think we're getting a little carried away... again!

Ah, true. Let's just finish up here then.

The only other thing you need to know about ponies is that we're usually quite peaceful.

Most don't really have a fighting spirit within them. Some refuse to be violent, unless provoked.

And then there's Strongbolt who believes attacking something is always the best option.

With the creatures we've seen, attacking IS always the best option. Besides, my brick gets lonely...

Quanata

Quanata are small (no bigger than a pear), beetle-like creatures with beady eyes that resemble a fly's.

They have lilac-coloured furry bodies and six little legs underneath their torsos.

The head of a Quanata is usually about the size of a walnut, but it's red eyes and pincers take up about eighty percent of that space.

If you try to imagine a furry gnat (hence the 'nata' part of the name) but with no wings, and much bigger eyes.

So now you know the 'nata' part, you're probably wondering where 'quan' comes from.

The name Quanata is directly derived from 'quantity' and 'gnat.'

Have you guessed it yet?

No, they're not good at maths.

No, they don't do measurements.

What? Where did you get 'potato farming' from? You guys are really bad at guessing...

Quanata get 'quantity' from their peculiar ability to multiply.

They're a lot like Parasprites: they duplicate and they're real pests.

Quanata use a form of larger scale cellular mitosis or meiosis to replicate their own body cells and transfer them to a second living host created from high-potential magic stored within them.

Yeah... what she said.

Whenever they feel threatened, magic impulses are sent surging through their bodies to every possible cell. This activates their 'cloning' ability and allows them to duplicate at intense rates.

When a Quanata multiplies, it appears to be sucked out from the skin of the original one.

It's difficult to describe. You're best off seeing it for yourself, if you can find any.

But if you do find one, be sure to keep your distance. They're quite... bitey.

'Bitey'? I don't think that's a word.

Point is: they're little nibbling nuisances. Don't you remember our first encounter?

Yeah, that was back in high school, before we were even dating.

FLASHBACK TIME!

What?

I was a young, sprightly and all-round, incredibly attractive stallion. And Shiera was... well, Shiera.

What's that supposed to mean?

We were staying at school late: catching up on some homework in the library-

YOU were catching up on some homework. I was helping you because I'd finished mine.

Shiera, please, we all know you were a nerd, you don't need to inflate your own importance.

This is coming from Mr 'Incredibly Attractive'?

So, we were at the library when suddenly the ground beneath us collapsed and we plummeted into a cavernous cavern.

Turns out the school was built on top of an old cave system underground. A cave system infested with Quanata-

I was getting to that! So, turns out the school was built on top of an old cave system underground. A cave system infested with Quanata.

But I just-

And there were a lot of these guys. Hundreds, thousands in fact, circling us and scuttling ever closer, pincers snapping, looking very hungry.

These Quanata had been multiplying for quite some time, you see.

There was a lot. Like, 'a lot' a lot. Like, 'wow' a lot. A lot.

We were totally surrounded, but then I spotted a copy of 'The Entomologist's Field Guide' in the rubble beside us. I flicked to the Quanata page and learnt that the duplication could be reversed by disrupting the cell alignment and-

Basically, we needed a really loud noise. A sonic boom of some kind. So, I took off into the air and spun around and around and around.

He built up so much momentum from spinning and jumping off walls that he was able to burst into the air and create a miniature shockwave.

The Quanata began to dissolve around us into purple gloop.

And the day was saved-

By Strongbolt Stonewing!

Quarray Eels

Quarray Eels. Like eels but more... Quarray. Known to reside within the holes and caverns of mountains, ravines and gorges, living most of their life in one tube, in one nest, in one giant rock.

The shape and body of a Quarray Eel is similar to that of a regular eel, however, it is much larger, its head is more pointed (like a dragon's) and its scales are more-

Quarray.

I was going to say solid, but okay.

Quarray Eels are dangerous beasts if provoked. They spend most of their time dormant in their rocky abodes feeding off of moss, insects and any unfortunate creature that stumbles remotely near its home.

These beasts are very territorial: they refuse to allow anyone near their caverns. They've been known to wait idly until a careless bird, Pegasus or other winged creature floats by... then they launch out and snatch them beneath their ghastly, sharp teeth.

Quarray Eels aren't particularly common, so you needn't worry about any near you.

Unless, of course, you're in the middle of a ravine. Then you might be in trouble.

But, we've dealt with Quarray Eels before and I'm sure you can too.

There are two very simple and effective methods for dealing with a Quarray Eel: one is a sharp blow to the mylohyoid region.

That's the bit just under the chin (it's connected to their central nervous system).

And the other, less violent option is pepper.

When we were first starting out our adventures, we stumbled across a chasm just south of Ponyville. The locals called it 'Ghastly Gorge' and we wanted to see what all the fuss was about.

Turns out that place is rigged with more traps and twists than the entire Daring Do collection.

But that wasn't the worst of it.

Oh no.

We arrived at a solid wall of odd-shaped holes.

And Strongbolt, being Strongbolt, decided to 'check it out.'

I'll give you three guesses as to what came out after me!

Quarray Eel?

Shiera! They hadn't finished guessing!

I think it's pretty obvious considering the chapter is called-

So! The 'holes' turned about to be nests. Luckily it was Spring (when Quarray Eels hibernate), so the majority of them were either asleep or too tired to move.

But that still left you with one, very grumpy, Quarray Eel.

Well, as the old saying goes: "He who hits beast with brick, lives another day."

Who said that?

Me. Just now. It's literally three lines up.

...

...

Words cannot describe the intense lack of intelligence that you possess.

Thank you?

*Sigh*

As you can probably tell, Strongbolt did the one thing he's capable of not messing up, and hit the Quarray Eel with a brick.

We'd originally planned a picnic that day, so we had a hamper full of various foods and spices, including pepper.

While the eel was distracted, I sprinkled pepper underneath its nose...

Turns out that particular eel had a rather nasty cold and the impact from my brick, combined with the severe reaction to the pepper, was enough to set off a gigantic sneeze that blew the creature straight back into its cave; leaving the beast utterly shell-shocked and leaving me covered in its nasal slime.

I couldn't tell what made you greener: the slime, or the vomit that followed just after.

Both were pretty horrific, but hey, you should have seen the eel. Now that was true pain...

Radiack

A Radiack is a small, fluffy creature with two pointy ears and a little pink nose.

Strongbolt, that's a bunny.

Oh, yes of course. Radiacks are quite the opposite. They're tiny, scaly creatures with small holes for ears and serpentine snouts.

They have very spiny bodies, making their skin rather lumpy. It is within these 'lumps' that small patches of radioactive substances are kept.

I'm not exactly an expert on science, so I guess Shiera should probably explain...

Radiacks usually reside deep underground, where they can easily find clusters of highly atomic elements to eat. The radiation pulled from these elements is stored within the lumps of the Radiack's skin. Enzymes in a Radiack's stomach can remove the unstable atoms from the eaten element and transfer them through the blood to the beast's spikes. From there, a chemical called Quarkosene can be implemented, this causes a huge increase in thermal energy among quarks, making the nuclei decay and emit deadly radiation.

Here's what I heard: Radiack eat rock. Radiack take energy. Radiack use energy.

They are very complex creatures and were hunted to near extinction during the era when biological and chemical research was-

Shiera, what language are you trying to speak? Nobody understands nor cares about the necessity for advancement in biochemical science!

Um... sorry?

Thank you! Now, Radiacks are very rare creatures. There are only four currently in captivity, but various re-population programs have been set up to... well, re-populate. If you'd like to adopt a Radiack call this number: 0700 - IWANTTOADOPTARADIACK - 459.

Charitable organisations aside, the only time we've ever seen a Radiack was when we visited the Los Pegasus Zoo of Marvelous Creatures.

Open all year round from 8 to 6 and 11 to 5 on Sundays.

Their enclosures are built of 2 meters of solid concrete, reinforced with lead. They can only be seen through a long, solid tube of Plexiglas.

They are magnificently dangerous creatures. The radiation they emit can spread across a one hundred metre radius in a matter of seconds. So if you do see a spiny lizard: MOVE. And whatever you do, don't frighten it, that's what sets off their Quarkosene injection.

Strongbolt?

Yes, Shiera?

Do you think any of our readers actually understood anything we've wrote in this chapter?

...

...

Definitely not.

Sea Serpent

The name 'Sea Serpent' is actually quite deceiving.

You'd think because they're a 'Sea' Serpent, they're only found in the sea. This, however, is not the case.

Many Sea Serpents reside in rivers, lakes and, if they are exceptionally small, ponds. Actually, they'll live in any generally aquatic area.

So really they aren't Sea Serpents at all. They're General Aquatic Area Serpents. But 'Sea Serpent' is shorter than 'Generally Aquatic Area Serpent' and therefore involves less writing and less effort for me, so we'll stick with that.

Name ranting aside, Sea Serpents are just like normal serpentine creatures, except they live in aquatic areas and usually have more limbs.

Like Dragons, you'll often find different variations of Sea Serpents. Some could be blue, some could purple...

...some could be tall, some could be small...

...some could have beards, some could have Afros...

...some could be smart, some could be monstrous...

The list goes on.

Many Sea Serpents are capable of speaking and communicating with other creatures. Some are just as intelligent, if not more intelligent, than us.

However, some can be dangerous, pony-eating monstrosities. Which, of course, we would happen to run into.

Don't you find it strange how most of the creatures we come across are hostile?

Yeah, but I don't really mind. More chapters, more views, more fame.

True.

And anyway, it's not like we have too much trouble with them. Most of the time I can just throw a brick and all is good again.

Yeah, I suppose so. What were you saying?

We encountered a very dangerous Sea Serpent while sailing a couple miles off the coast of Vanhoover.

Well, you say 'sailing', you mean 'stranded'.

Same thing.

Well, not really.

Close enough.

That means 'same thing'.

Exactly. Same thing.

...

...

I will never understand you.

Neither will I. Now, at the time, we were in quite a large boat. An old pirate vessel if I'm not mistaken...

In case you're wondering, it was originally situated in the waters at shore as a sort of museum. But, Strongbolt decided to tap a bunch of blinking, bleeping buttons-

They made funny noises!

And the ship detached... with us on it.

Look, it was totally fine. We returned it in one piece - exactly how it was!

No we didn't... the Sea Serpent charged up at us from the ocean floor and tore a huge hole through the deck of the ship!

Well, apart from a few minor, virtually unnoticeable, damages.

The mast was ripped off by the serpent's tail, the entirety of the captain's quarters was smashed and the deck was barely even recognisable! And then you threw a brick in the serpents nose and its sneeze blew what was left of the ship, including us, all the way back to shore.

Well, at least they got their boat back. Albeit covered in mucus.

The boat sunk when it hit a rock at shore, remember?

Oh yeah... well, at least they forgave us.

They didn't forgive us. They threatened to sue!

Yes, and I threatened them with a snotty brick! Then, they forgave us.

Sporcellus

A Sporcellus (plural being 'Sporcelli') is a rodent-like being which, in terms of looks, closely resembles a guinea pig.

Like guinea pigs, Sporcelli come in all sorts of shapes, sizes and colours. So, I hear you ask, how does this make them different?

Well, while Sporcelli may look like guinea pigs, in no way whatsoever should you confuse the two species.

They actually have the ability of speech and are classified as beings, instead of beasts or animals, because they form colonies.

They're a rather isolated species. They prefer not to mingle or even interact with other creatures if they can. Partly out of fear, and partly out of pride.

You'll find that Sporcelli can be very patriotic, they are incredibly proud of their race for reasons that nobody is able to understand. They believe that they are divine creatures that have a far better society than any others do. And so, hate being related to anything other than Sporcelli.

This is where their bad tempers come in.

What angers a Sporcellus more than anything is when you refer to it as, or compare it to, a guinea pig.

Perhaps this is best explained through a story...

A few miles off of Fillydelphia, there is a forest known as 'Dead Oak Woods'. It's a very secluded place where outsiders rarely trek and so is perfect for a Sporcelli settlement.

We had been exploring-

Well, you call it 'exploring', I call it 'boring'.

What do you mean? We had fun!

We were picking up mud. How is that even remotely fun?

We were not 'picking up mud', we were collecting valuable dirt samples to assist in our research of Dead Oak Woods.

Regardless, they were painfully slow and infinitely tiring activities.

But it was romantic!

How was that romantic?

It was just the two of us together, enjoying each others company and-

Picking up mud?

Whatever! Finish the story!

Gladly. We were out picking up mud when-

Collecting dirt samples!

Nobody cares! Suddenly, we were surrounded by a group of guinea pigs wielding spears.

At first we were a little confused. Then Strongbolt tried to pet one and it jabbed him in the hoof.

For the sake of our younger audience, I won't recite exactly what I said to it. But let's just say the words "Bad Guinea Pig" were involved.

At this point they went nuts, hollering and pouncing, attacking us from all corners. Don't ask me how, but they managed to tie us up and bring us back to their camp.

In fairness, there was literally thousands of them... and they all had chainsaws... and bazookas... and they wore bulletproof vests.

No they didn't-

Shiera, please, don't interrupt.

But you-

So! We were taken to the Sporcellus camp. Where our fate was to be decided.

Originally, they wanted the death penalty.

But luckily, Sporcelli are very gullible and I convinced them to change their minds.

By some miracle, the Sporcelli believed that we were actually wizards who made potions out of mud.

At first, they weren't too sure, but then I presented them with a gift...

A gift? Is that what you call it?

I told them that the jars of dirt we had collected had magical powers and, if cooked for 30-40 minutes depending on the wattage of your microwave, could be used to make Sporcelli invincible. Obviously, they were tempted by this offer, however, some were a little sceptical.

So, we told them that if we could just go home and pick up our microwave, we'd prove it to them.

They allowed us to leave. And we never went back.

They were tricked by Strongbolt, now that is embarrassing.

Chances are there's an angry Sporcellus tribe out there waiting for an invincibility elixir that's never going to come. Who says lying isn't useful? I don't what they were thinking with this Element of Honesty malarkey.

Thundant

A Thundant is a creature with an incredibly fluffy, dark grey body. Its fur is so thick that you can barely make out any of its other features.

They basically look exactly like a storm cloud, and their ability to levitate also helps them achieve this effect.

Thundants will usually rub their fuzzy bodies across certain areas of land in order to transfer their magic-imbued electrons and give the floor a negative charge. These Thundants can then rejuvenate their electrons via magical matter creation, thus, achieving a similar negative charge.

In simple terms, Thundants use magic and science to make themselves into opposite magnets.

Their bodies are so light that they can practically defy gravity.

So, we've established that Thundants disguise themselves as clouds. But why do they do this?

Well, as it turns out, they are very shy creatures. They try to avoid contact with just about everything, including the ground.

To be fair, it's quite a defensive strategy. I mean, who would honestly expect a cloud to be the enemy?

Very true. Although, why Thundants feel the need to hide is unknown. Underneath their fur is a actually a matted orb of electricity, held within glass-like skin that resembles that of a Darnstby.

See the Darnstby chapter for further details.

Not only does this 'orb' act as the brain, it is also able to use various electric manoeuvres.

Like normal clouds, Thundants are able to expel sparks in the form of lightning. The only difference with them is that it can be in any direction.

I'm sure you can imagine the surprise on a poor, unsuspecting Pegasus' face when a rogue bolt zaps them after kicking what they assumed was just a storm cloud.

I can still feel the burns...

As you can probably tell, Strongbolt was one of these poor, unsuspecting unicorns.

This was back in my days as a royal guard, mind you. Myself and a team of other Pegasi were tasked with disarming a group of stray storm clouds over Canterlot.

What they didn't realise was that some of those 'stray storm clouds' were actually Thundants.

After they zapped us all, they fled in fear. So the job was done. But it left a pretty big mark.

And you learnt that you should never go flying in a storm without protective rubber clothing.

Vampony

A Vampire Pony, or Vampony for short, is a pony with blood-sucking tendencies and a dangerous nature.

Well, some are.

Vamponies are created in one of two ways, the first is through natural birth-

When a daddy Vampony and a mommy Vampony-

I think they understand!

Oh, right.

The second is through being bitten by another Vampony.

Although they do have a strong taste for blood, they will occasionally infect other ponies with vampirism instead of, well, eating them.

Usually, when a pony becomes a Vampony, they go into a trance-like state and forget everything about their previous life, turning them into mindless, hungry monsters. Rarely, a pony will survive the transformation with its memories and mental well-being intact. These Vamponies are just like us, except they have a constant craving for blood, can't step out into sunlight and are forced to walk the earth for all eternity. Unless they are killed.

Gee, Shiera, it's all sunshine and smiles with you, eh?

It's quite sad really. They are very poorly misunderstood, but nonetheless dangerous, beings.

In terms of appearance, a Vampony will have much paler, danker and more ruffled fur, its teeth become razor-sharp and its irises turns a bright red colour. If the Vampony is a Pegasus, their wings will become bat-like.

You should never approach a Vampony unarmed, especially a mindless one. Don't get me wrong, some are quite pleasant. We met a lovely young Vampony called Valerie in Baltimare.

Yeah, it's too bad they kind of exiled her and chased her out with pitch forks.

Yeah. But hey, she has a much better life now.

However, that's another story.

Indeed. The other time we met Vamponies was at the excavation site near the Drach Caves. A team of miners stumbled upon an underground Vampony nest and neither side were particularly happy about it.

In the end, we managed to settle things. With a bit of 'persuasion'.

Is that what you call your brick now?

No, his name is Steven.

*Facehooves*

Anyhow, Vamponies are a bit of a touchy subject. While they are quite demonic, they can be kind-hearted.

Some Vamponies try to balance their blood addictions by eating sugar, others... don't.

But they do end up with some serious fang aches at the end of the day.

WolfPony

I swear, the next pony to call a WolfPony a 'werepony' will get my brick shoved up their- Ooh, a butterfly.

Yes, it is incredibly infuriating, but it is a common misconception. The word 'were' is actually derived from old mythological dialect. It means 'man'. So a 'werepony' is technically a half-human, half-pony creature. The correct term is either Wolfpony or Lycopóny.

To be honest, I'm not really sure where you would even get the 'were' part from. Who would honestly think that humans and ponies are even slightly related?

You make a good point. But unfortunately that isn't what this chapter is about, so why don't we move on?

*Sigh*

I suppose so. A WolfPony, or rather, THE WolfPony, appears to be exactly the same as any other pony to the naked eye, and they are, up until the point where they step into moonlight.

Yes, it is arguably one of science's greatest mysterious, but for some peculiar reason, any pony who is bitten by the WolfPony seems to take the curse from them, returning the original wolf to its pony state (or killing it) and turning the newly infected individual into the new WolfPony. Most ponies believe it is some unexplainable freak of magic, however, scientists argue that the venom of the bite may alter a pony's genes.

Shiera, I'm pretty sure a wolf bite can't change a pony's clothing.

Genes, you moron. Not jeans.

Oh, right.

Anyway, these 'wolf genes', if they exist, somehow force a pony to transform into a gigantic, mutant, wolf creature whenever they are exposed to moonlight. Apparently this may have something to do with the cells reacting to photons, but we're not too sure.

Come on Shiera, what is this? Some kind of fashion shoot? First you're talking about jeans and now you want to take photos?

Photons. I said photons! Why are you such... a pleb?

My parents said I was dropped on my back as a baby.

Why would that affect your intelligence?

Well, we were on a flight of stairs at the time.

Oh...

Yeah, but the worst part was the shelf full of pottery on the wall I smacked into when I got to the bottom. I believe I was first hit by two vases, then a mug, three plant pots, a clay bowl and then the shelf itself.

Suddenly everything makes so much sense.

Yeah, doctors said it was pretty bad, but I don't think it effected me too much in the long run.

Yeah... right...

Anyway, you were saying about the WolfPony?

Oh, yes. When the WolfPony fully transforms, it adopts most of the dangerous and cunning attributes of a wolf but still keeps some of the intelligence of a pony. This makes it a very hostile and somewhat clever creature, as we found out during our camping trip in Dead Oak Woods.

The locals had warned us that the whole place was swarming with all kinds of nasty beasts. But we hadn't expected to find THE WolfPony in there.

We would've done a better job fending it off if Strongbolt hadn't asked for its autograph.

Well, from the way you said it was THE WolfPony. I thought maybe it was some kind of celebrity!

What kind of celebrity transforms into a wolf?

Taylor Lautner?

What?

Uh... nothing.

Okay...

What were we saying? Oh yes, the WolfPony. So, as most of us know, the WolfPony has a strange weakness: silver.

Yes, for yet another unexplained reason that science cannot comprehend, the pure element of silver can destroy the beast.

Or in our case, scare it off.

Luckily, the cutlery we carried on us...

...in case of picnic emergencies...

...was made of silver. The beast took one look at it and scampered off. No doubt the following morning some poor pony woke up in the middle of Dead Oak Wood with no clue as to what happened the night before.

I guess that's the WolfPony life.

Yzmur

A Yzmur (pronounced Yiz-mer) is a small, fluffy, spherical creature with a large, single eye and helicopter-like wings above its head.

Yzmurs are often mistaken for their more dangerous cousins, the Parasprites, but pay close attention to the eye and wing shape and you'll recognise the difference.

Now, one Yzmur is fine, five or six is okay but get too many in one place and you may have quite a problem.

You see, Yzmurs have an odd habit of trying to crawl inside your mouth. Yes, I know it sounds weird, and believe me, it is.

They often like to reside in cramped, damp places. Nobody is really sure of why, but I guess we all have our likes and dislikes right?

Yeah, for example: Shiera likes cheesecake, I do not.

I hate cheesecake...

Or Shiera is afraid of clowns, whereas I am not.

You're terrified of clowns!

Or! I like reading, and Shiera likes to hit things with bricks!

That's you, Strongbolt! You like hitting things with bricks!

Shiera, please, there's no need to mask your recklessness with lies.

I swear, one day I'm gonna shove that brick right up your-

So, anyway. A couple years ago, Shiera was stupid enough to step in front of the triennial Yzmur migration from Baltimare to Fillydelphia...

You stepped in front of it! I was standing back, shouting: "Strongbolt, don't do that!!"

Whatever helps you sleep at night, sweetheart.

Gr...

So I stepped forward heroically and swept my fair maiden to the side, shouting: "Take me instead! Demons!"

Is this really what goes on in your head?

Next thing I knew, I was wearing a bunch of Yzmurs like a furry set of braces. But at least my wonderful wife was safe!

No I wasn't, you pushed me into more of them!

Well, can't blame a guy for trying, right?

Ugh... We were swarmed by the Yzmurs immediately. Luckily, there was a pond nearby, which we both jumped into.

Despite loving dampness, Yzmurs actually can't swim. So as long as you're submerged in water, they won't follow you.

They soon left afterwards and continued their migration. They have a very short attention span, you see.

Well, this story really taught me how a drowning pony cannot learn to swim.

Um... how?

Because when we got into the pond, I remembered I couldn't swim.

Zoyk

Zoyk. Z-o-y-k.

Something wrong?

Is it just me, or does the word 'Zoyk' sound like it could be applied to a variety of different situations?

How so?

Well, say for example you stub your hoof on a table, you could yell 'Zoyk!' Or, maybe if a monster jumps out at you in the dark, you could yell 'Zoyk!' Or, if you go to a party and see somepony wearing the same clothes as you, you could yell 'Zoyk!'

Are you implying that 'Zoyk' is an expletive?

A what?

A swear word.

Oh, no. It could probably be used in good situations too. Like, if you think you're out of lemonade, then you go to the fridge and see you have another bottle, then you could yell 'Zoyk!'

Actually, no, I don't see how 'Zoyk' would apply to any if those situations...

Well, I'm starting a trend then. Hey, readers!

Please don't.

New trend!

Oh, dear lord...

Hashtag Zoyk!

What the hell is a hashtag?

Zoyk!

Look, enough, we haven't even explained what a Zoyk is!

Well, Shiera, the stage is yours.

*Sigh*

A Zoyk is a half-monkey-half-insect type of creature. It has the shape of a large chimpanzee, but has a dark-cyan, shell-textured skin and large ocelli.

Bug eyes, in simple terms.

Zoyks are very similar to monkeys in the way they act, their likes and dislikes et cetera. However, they are not classified under the same family for obvious reasons.

...

Strongbolt?

Oh, Zoyks! Is it my turn to write?

You did that on purpose.

As Shiera sort-of-explained, Zoyks have managed to replicate most of the actions of regular monkeys and copy their abilities. For example, they swing from trees using their tails.

However, unlike regular monkeys, they have abilities specific to their species. The most noticeable being the use of large stingers on their tails.

When we were traversing the Monponyan Jungle, we came across a group of these little fellas.

Or rather, they came across us.

Yeah, curious little things, Zoyks.

At first, they just kinda wanted to investigate us. Allow them to do that and they should let you pass.

But in our case, this was not what happened.

As soon as the first Zoyk came close, Strongbolt screamed: "Ah! Spider monkey!" And began frantically swatting them away with his brick.

We were chased out of the Jungle by the Zoyks and their stingers; almost hit me a few times but I got out alright.

Yeah, YOU did! I spent the next week in hospital recovering from Zoyk-induced nausea!

Oh, yeah, sorry about that. In fairness, I did buy her flowers to make up for it.

You brought me chrysanthemums!

Yes?

I'm allergic to chrysanthemums!

Oh, yeah, sorry about that... again. That put you back another week, didn't it?

Gr...

Yes... yes it did...

Well, I certainly learnt my lesson about attacking bug monkeys.

Yeah, I think we all did.

Hey, Shiera, guess what?

What?

Zoyk!

...

...

You've got five seconds to start running.

Epilogue

Phew. It sure has been a long time since we started writing this book.

We've covered Beasts and Beings from all across Equestria and beyond. And, much like our adventures, although there were difficult times, we sure did have a lot of fun.

Agreed. Writing this book has been one of the best things I've done with my free time in a while.

In all truthfulness, you could write an entire book for each and every one of the creatures mentioned. However, documenting all these bizarre and crazy creatures in this one piece has been a real adventure in itself.

It's been quite the emotion rollercoaster. I mean, we haven't always had time to write, we've taken a good few long breaks and who can forget the time I accidentally wiped the story from existence?

Yes, I remember that VERY well...

Yeah... not my greatest moment...

In the end, we've had a great time writing and I'm sure someponies out there have had a good time reading.

In all honesty, I'm kinda glad there's no more writing to do now that it's all over.

Well, not necessarily.

Wait, what?

We're still adventuring nowadays. We're constantly on the move and always discovering new things, right? Who says we won't come back here from time to time and write more?

You're kidding, right?

Oh no, in fact, there's probably a lot of creatures we've missed along the way. Creatures that in future we will stop to return and write about.

So the work isn't over?

I'm afraid not.

Ah, whatever. Not like I have anything else to do... except traversing the known world.

Now that I think about it, there's a wide variety of Beasts and Beings we could still explore. I'm sure our readers may even have suggestions of their own.

Speaking of the readers, I want to be the first to thank you guys for sticking with us after all this time.

Yes, to all the ponies who read our story, we are truly grateful for you guys being there.

You guys rock, you know that?

Strongbolt, you do realise that this is a book, the reader can't answer questions.

I know that! I'm just being friendly...

Anyhow, I think it's safe to say that the best type of stories are the ones that never end. And we don't plan on stopping anytime soon.

But, until the next time you hear from us, stay safe.

Stay sane.

Stay in school.

Stay smart.

And for goodness sake, stay outta trouble.

Farewell all!

And Happy Hearth's Warm's Eve!

Wrong ending, moron.

My apologies if I struggle to keep track of all the excellent books I'm writing.

Wait, you write other books?

Oh, yeah... about that...

How could you not tell me about something as important as that?!

I love you.

You can't just say 'I love you' and get out of anything!

Yes I can, see? I've just said it, and now this conversation is over.

This conversation still isn't-

And, end of book!

Author's Note

In all seriousness, thanks a bunch to everyone who read this, we hope to see you again soon. Lots of Love - Strongbolt and Shiera

Introduction

If you are reading this, then congratulations! You've successfully picked the one book in the library that isn't filled with boring facts about Equestria's wars and the entire genealogy of every plant known to pony-kind.

Strongbolt, I'd hardly say the Equestrian Civil War of 1477 was boring, neither was the Great Changeling Battle of 1583, and I'm pretty sure you just stole the word 'genealogy' from the dictionary when you skimmed across its pages.

Newsflash, Shiera, nopony is born with intelligence, everyone has to steal something from somewhere.

Remind me again why we're writing this book in this particular format.

Remind me again why we're actually writing this book.

I thought you said you wanted to write down all the adventures we've had and all the weird stuff we've seen.

Oh yes! Speaking of which: hello, reader. Sorry about that brief pause, welcome to 'Beasts and Beings', a selection of stories and information on the many dangerous (and not-so-dangerous) creatures of Equestria and beyond. Depicted through the point of view of myself, Strongbolt Stonewing.

A-hem.

Oh, and my beloved wife, Shiera Berrums.

How do you do?

Shiera, you do realise that this is a book, the reader can't answer questions.

I know that! I'm just being friendly... Anyway, we have organised our book of brilliant and baffling beasts and beings...

...beautiful alliteration...

Yes, thank you, Strongbolt. As I was saying, if you continue reading, you will find many thrilling tales of terror and excitement, along with myself and Strongbolt's personal input. If, by any chance, you are to come across any of the many beasts or beings mentioned in our book, then don't panic. We have created a small section explaining exactly what to do, should you find yourself in a dangerous or even awkward situation with them.

Well, I think that's all from us for now. We do hope you enjoy our tales and never have to see some of these monsters for yourself, because really, they are quite unpleasant.

Also, our apologies if during the time you were reading this introduction one of the mentioned creatures of which you were attempting to learn about just happened to eat you whilst you were, in fact, attempting to find out how not to be eaten by that particular creature.

Yes, what she said... I mean, what she wrote.

Honestly, Strongbolt, could you be less literately abled?

I'm going to ignore that... insult?

*Facehooves*

What is a Being?

Obviously, before you read a book on beings, you have to understand what a being actually is.

Didn't you say that in the last chapter?

Your point being...?

Oh, um, nothing. Anyhow, if you've read the previous chapter, which I seriously advise...

...because we're not explaining all that again...

...you should know how to classify a 'Beast' and hold a basic understanding of the history of Animal classification.

As stated previously, the 'Beast and Beings' Act of 1973 determined what a 'Beast' is.

However, it also stated that creatures, regardless of whether or not they pose a threat, that possessed the ability to communicate through a language made up of actual words (as a pose to variations of animal noises) and is able to structure a basic society is classified as a 'Being'.

That was the defining point for Beasts, Beings and Animals. The day their natures were finally decided.

An example of a Being is a Changeling (explained further in a later chapter), which, although ruthless, does in fact possess the ability of speech (dependant on state, will explain later) and does make up part of a society, even if it's a poorly run one.

Well, I suppose that's all for the explanations of Beasts and Beings, for anypony wondering why we chose to write a book only on Beasts and Beings, the answer is simple: Animals are just too boring.

I think we're going off-topic here.

Agreed, so, without further ado, let the stories begin...

Breezie

A Breezie (not 'breezy' (that's an adjective (not a noun (so it can't be a name)))) is an adorable little being from another world.

They're size usually ranges from Butterfly small to Squirrel large. So as you can imagine, they're pretty tiny.

The body of a Breezie is very similar to that of a pony, however, its legs are sometimes longer.

Its head is also quite like ours', but its nuzzle sticks out less and its mane is far more frizzy. Oh, and it has two gigantic antennae sticking out of its hair.

On their own, Breezies are generally quite bad flyers; or they are in our world at least.

Where they come from, the breeze is always quite delicate, compared to ours, which can push them to just about anywhere.

Unfortunately, Breezies cannot travel through our world of their own accord. They need a sufficient amount of wind (around 0.5 wingpower) to float gently and safely use their magic.

The 'magic' that Shiera is talking about is of course the magic they use to keep the pollen they carry safe. I'm not entirely sure why that's important, but whatever.

As you can probably tell, Breezies are very delicate. They're incredibly sensitive to light and sound and even the slightest distraction can send them off course. Hence, why Strongbolt wasn't allowed near the Breezie migration.

I am not LOUD or DISTRACTING!

Yeah, and you're not BRIGHT either.

Wow. That was...

*Giggles*

That was a terrible joke.

You really walked into that one.

*Sigh*

So. Breezie wings, although large, are very thin and fragile. Breezies just didn't evolve to be able to use their wings like us Pegasi... or any flying creature for that matter.

They're only accustomed to conditions in their world, where the breeze is much less potent.

It is for that reason that they rarely make appearances in our dimension.

I've only ever seen Breezies once, when I was just a filly. I saw them floating through the streets of Canterlot during one of their migrations. Have you ever seen any?

I've never seen one, but I've smelt one.

You've... you've what?

They're a lot like cherries, but with a hint of rosemary.

I'm not even going to ask.

Cragadile

Be careful around Cragadiles, they are incredibly dangerous.

Indeed, Cragadiles have quite the taste for pony meat.

Which is odd, considering their tongues are made of stone.

Yes, Cragadiles are quite odd, their bodies are composed completely of natural materials, in this case: rocks.

And if that wasn't bad enough, even if you manage to beat one, it will eventually rebuild itself using the magical energy of its soul.

A trait also shared by other Beasts, like Timberwolves or Xagons.

Luckily, there are very few Cragadiles in existence, and most of them reside in the Everfree Forest near Ponyville, which is where we met ours.

We were actually on the run from Hoofnippers (another Beast, will explain later) when we literally stumbled upon an out of place boulder. Suddenly the rocks began moving and an ominous green glow appeared around them, they moved together to form a-

Shiera, wait!

What?

We haven't said or done anything comedic in this chapter yet!

Well, isn't this slightly comedic?

No, this is me telling you we're not being comedic enough, thus trying to find a way for us to be comedic.

Well, now you're telling me that you telling me that we're not being comedic enough, which is not comedic and now we have to find a way to be comedic. Which I think is comedic enough.

No, you telling me that me telling you that we're not being comedic enough is not comedic enough.

It's getting pretty comedic now.

True, continue.

Alright then, so the rocks and boulders joined together to form a gigantic rocky crocodile.

Why didn't they call it a Rockodile?

It's trademarked.

Oh, I see.

This was the point where we had to figure out what to do.

Luckily for us, there was a vast flowing river nearby, which we fled to. From there, I carried Shiera over to the other side, which took some time-

What are you trying to say?

Nothing, I love you.

You can't just say 'I love you' and expect all your troubles to go away.

Of course I can, watch: I love you. And now we're back to the story.

We're not-

So I carried Shiera to the other side and the Cragadile jumped after us, but fell into the water.

*Sigh*

As it hit, it shattered into hundreds of pieces that were carried downstream.

Cragadiles have a very distinct weakness: water. Just a splash of the stuff will make it fall apart.

It's all to do with the molecular structure of the Cragadile's soul, when a mixture of hydrogen and oxygen in liquid form-

Shiera! This is not a science book! Please don't bore us!

What do you mean 'bore?'

I love you.

Oh no, not this time-

And... end of chapter.

Germoth

A Germoth is basically a gigantic blue wasp. Not to be confused with Jumquaps, which are more like bees and completely different in nature.

Unlike normal wasps, Germoths have upside down wings, so they fly, hunched forward, with their bellies facing upwards.

This is useful to them (but not so useful to us) because it allows their stingers to be positioned straight forward.

Unfortunately, Germoths are practically always angry. They're very aggressive by nature and will attack any other creature on sight.

Surprisingly enough, Germoth stings don't actually hurt that much, I know this from experience, by the way.

Really? That's not how I remember it.

Well, how do you remember it?

I remember we were travelling to Los Pegasus, we took a short cut through a large pine tree forest.

Oh yeah, we came across a rather large tree, it was far bigger and bushier than the others. When we looked up we saw the thick leaves rustling above.

So, Strongbolt, in his 'infinite' wisdom, decided the best thing to do, was buck the tree.

Yeah, not my greatest plan.

Indeed. Luckily, Germoths prefer to travel alone, otherwise we would have been in real trouble.

The one we met charged at us, I fought it in the air for a while, but then it stung me in the chest. Not that it hurt or anything.

You were practically in tears.

Don't be silly Shiera, real stallions don't cry.

Well, what does that say about you?

It says that I definitely didn't cry.

It says that you're not a real stallion.

You know what? You're not a real stallion either.

Obviously! I'm a mare!

Really? That's news to me.

So you're saying you married a colt?

Good point, I take it back. But I still didn't cry.

Yes, because you were too busy trying to get up. You see, Germoth stings have many after effects, such as: nausea, drowsiness and dizziness.

And I got all of them.

Another trait of the Germoth's sting is that it weakens the stinger considerably. It also needs time to recharge the venomous fluids that it pulls from its blood.

This gave us just enough time to run and hide before the Germoth regained consciousness.

Fortunately, Germoths are colourblind so as long as you look like your surroundings you'll be fine.

Sometimes you have to wait a while, Germoths get bored eventually and they'll soon wander off.

But it's probably for the best it you don't anger them in the first place.

Agreed.

Are you sure you weren't crying?

One hundred percent.

Because I'm pretty sure-

You were mistaken.

No, I think you were-

End of chapter!

Imimbris

An Imimbris (Ih-mihm-br-ihs) is a magical creature with the body and face of a mouse, tail of a trout and tiny webbed feet.

They are known as the mice of the water because... well, they're the mice of the water.

You can usually find families of Imimbrises living in or near ponds. As the title suggests, they are semi-aquatic creatures who spend large amounts of time (usually around five to ten hours a day) in the water, either searching for food or laying back and just relaxing.

The Imimbris's long tail allows it to move freely under the water. They also possess the strange ability of summoning water within their throats, then extracting the oxygen, allowing them to breath, and finally expelling the left over hydrogen from the pores in the tail's scales to propel themselves forward.

They can also use this ability as a defense mechanism by spitting the water out and stunning their enemies.

Just like tiny, mouse-shaped water pistols.

Now, these guys may sound cute, but you have to take severe caution around them...

Agitated Imimbrises are known to grow to three times their original size and take on the body of a viscous rat.

Their fur and scales turn black...

...their webbed feet extend into claws...

...and their eyes turn to a terrifying shade of crimson red.

When an Imimbris becomes a Dark Imimbris, bad stuff happens.

The water they spew from their throats raises to temperatures of up to a hundred degrees and they become incredibly hostile.

They'll spit boiling water over just about anything in a desperate attempt to release its rage. And trust me, it's both painful and ironic to be burned by water.

Remember when we met a rogue Imimbris in the fields bordering Ponyville?

How could I forget? Do you even know how much pain I was in on that day?

I could probably guess.

I've had more pleasant experiences in a Xagon's stomach.

You know the readers won't get that joke until they read the Xagon chapter?

Well, what has been written cannot be undone.

Unless you have an eraser.

*Sigh*

Unless you have an eraser. Which we do not.

Why did we write a book without bringing an eraser?

I don't know, maybe because you're so unorganised?

Well, I certainly wasn't 'unorganised' when the Dark Imimbris attacked. Especially since I was the one who brought the remedy to its anger.

Bullets.

What? No! Sugar! Imimbrises have a strange attraction to sugar, spice and all things nice...

Why does that sound so familiar?

So anything that fits into those categories can calm an Imimbris in seconds. Which it did.

Yes, thanks Shiera. You're a lifesaver... or a flank-saver at least.

Manticore

Manticore!

Manticore?

That's an awesome word.

This isn't going to be like the Buffalo chapter is it? My marshmallow warning still stands.

Yikes. So um... tell us what a Manticore is.

Certainly. A Manticore is a peculiar Beast found within generally any areas where ponies are not. They're rather mysterious creatures, because they'll inhabit just about anywhere. They adapt and survive quite easily.

Yeah, whoop-de-doo for them. It's a shame they're so dangerous. With the body of a lion, wings of a dragon and tail of a scorpion, they're not too friendly-looking.

Although, as monstrous as they seem, Manticores are surprisingly intelligent. They recognise emotions like happiness, love, sadness...

...and fear.

The way they act usually depends on the way we act. For example: if you show signs of affection towards a Manticore, they will generally show affection back.

But if you show signs of anger, fear or hatred before a Manticore it will pounce and tear you to shreds!

I think that's a little over-exaggerated.

Oh yeah? Then how comes that Manticore in Rambling Rock Ridge attacked us?

Well, to be more specific, it attacked you. And that was only because you threatened it.

Pfft. What are you talking about?

You called it a "Pathetic Kitten" then threw a brick at it.

I thought it was dangerous!

Through what extraordinary mental process that occurred within your brain were you able to conjure up the idea that threatening something dangerous was even a remotely decent idea?

...

...

Good point.

Technically, the only way to beat a Manticore is by befriending it.

Well, there you go kids, if you find a Manticore, just go ahead and cuddle it.

Hooray for friendship, I guess. By the way, where did you even get that brick from?

I always carry a brick.

Why?

That's a good question...

...

...

...

I have no idea.

Minotaur

A Minotaur is an odd creature that's half bull and half... um, what is the other half supposed to be?

Well, scientists say it's somewhat similar to that of an ape, just one that stands upright. It's almost like-

No.

Oh come on! You didn't even know what I was going to say!

Something along the lines of: "It's almost like its structure is partially humanoid. The placement of its spinal cord and central nervous system correlate to that of a human. The majority of its internal organs match the positioning of those within a human and its posture is unlike any other type of creature's. In simple terms, it's the spitting image of a human body."

...

...

Wow. I guess- I guess you do know me better than I thought.

Well, I am your husband.

The fact still stands, though. Minotaur bodies are pretty similar to a human's.

Well, whatever a Minotaur is made up of, we know kindness certainly isn't in there. They are monstrously aggressive when they want to be.

And they always want to be aggressive. It's part of their image. Few ponies have ever actually taken on a Minotaur, even fewer have come out victorious.

I don't mean to brag, but I am in fact within that minority.

Here we go-

The year was 19- ah, I don't remember! What's important is what happened! We arrived in Baltimare, where I spotted an obnoxious, mean Minotaur picking on a group of kids. Now, being the heroic hero that I am...

...oh brother...

...I valiantly stepped towards him and said: "Back away fiend! I shall not allow you to bring distress to the younglings!"

What is this? The 18th century?

The foul beast turned and said: "Get lost, cupcake!" At which point I retorted with: "I am no baked confectionary you uncouth buffoon!"

Oh for the love of-

He turned and charged at full pelt into me - I narrowly avoided. He swung around to strike again, but I blocked and pushed him aside.

Would you get to the point?

He returned one final time and knocked me backwards onto the floor. As he slowly approached, I reached into my bag and pulled out the greatest tool that any pony could ever come to find.

What are you talking-

A Brick!

What is it with you and bricks?

I slammed forth the solid cuboid of power and sent the little calf on his way.

Are you building up to some sort of joke with this brick?

...

...

Maybe. Ask me why I carry the brick again.

Why?

Just do it.

Uh... Fine. Why do you carry the brick?

In case of brick emer... Ooh, a butterfly.

Phoenix

A Phoenix is a beautiful, majestic bird with a body composed of red-orange feathers and flames. They're a proud and mysterious race with incredible abilities and almost pony-like intelligence.

Phoenixes... is that the right word?

What do you mean?

Is 'Phoenixes' the plural of Phoenix?

I think so.

Ah, whatever, Phoenixeses are particularly rare, when they want to be.

You can find a Phoenix in practically any forest, but still, they're quite a dazzling sight.

What's even more impressive is their ability to regenerate. A Phoenix, when it feels ill or weak, will often shed all of its feathers and burst into flames, leaving nothing but a pile of ash behind.

As horrific as that may sound, it's rather magical, especially when the ash begins to move and take its new shape.

They quite literally rise from the ashes.

Surprisingly enough, most exip... exun... eggsect...

Exypnoplasmologists?

Yeah, most of... those guys know very little about Phoenixeseses. They don't like being studied; even if it's by someone they trust.

Strange trait to have, but nonetheless intriguing.

Despite this, some ponies have been known to keep Phoenixeseseses as pets. Of course, they're incredibly difficult to come by and will only obey ponies that they truly trust.

They say that some ponies have similar personalities to a Phoenix: proud, surprisingly wise and very omniscient.

Which is why the Poenixeseseseses

As a sidenote: Phoenix eggs have become especially valuable among some civilisations.

But I wouldn't go trying to steal one if I were you. Those flames aren't just for looks!

Funny story actually, we passed by a Phoenix nest one time, I believe we were somewhere near Hayseed Swamps, and Strongbolt flew up...

*Giggles*

Would you like me to continue?

*Snicker*

No, no I got this. So Strongbolt flies up to the nest and looks inside...

*Laughs*

Are you sure you're alright?

*Continuous laughter*

Yeah, sorry, it's just... it was the look on your face.

*Sigh*

*Wipes away tear*

I'm okay... whew... I'm fine. So the Phoenix jumps out from the leaves and Strongbolt... ha...

Long story short: Phoenix jumps out and burns my tail.

*Bursts out into laughter*

And the look on his face!

Oh for the love of...

It was like a mixture of frightened, confused and pain!

Yes, I bet it was hilarious for you to watch you husband in severe pain.

*Giggles*

It was at the time... and it still is now!

You're a horrible pony.

But, you love me.

And?

*Slightly-Content-But-At-The-Same-Time-Kinda-Aggravated-Sigh*

And I love you.

Tatzlwurm

How do you say this, Shiera?

Tatzlwurm.

Tat-zool-wum?

Tatzlwurm.

Tant-sa-werm?

Tat-zl-wurm.

Ta-ta-too-ta-turm?

Close enough.

Well, whatever it's name is, it is a sub-terranian worm-like creature with a tri-mandibular jaw and a maw containing black tentacles that can reach out and grab its prey. It also has scales and a red mane-like structure behind its head.

Wow, that was quite insightful.

Wikipedia.

Oh, I see.

Tatzlwurms, did I say it right?

Yep.

Awesome! Tatzlwurms are found on the borders of Equestria. They don't come too near to the mainland, there isn't much for them there.

No, Tatzlwurms are some of the few living organisms that can maintain a stable lifestyle in the wasteland-like boundaries at the edge of Equestria. Surprisingly, they don't need to eat much. I guess evolution kind of worked in the favour.

Well, not really.

How so?

They're hideous creatures. I'd hardly say they got the most beautiful part of the gene pool.

To us, no. But they have an entirely different idea about beauty and looks. To them, we're probably quite atrocious.

Are you kidding me? I'm like the most handsome stallion going! No creature can resist my glorious looks.

And that's why you've only had one girlfriend.

Yes, which was you.

True. That backfired.

Wait, isn't Jerry a Tatzlwurm?

Oh, yeah, I remember Jerry.

Jerry was pretty cool.

Good old Jerry.

...

...

How is Jerry now?

He's dead. You killed him, remember?

Oh, yeah. Shame about Jerry, eh?

Yeah, it certainly was.

Rest in peace, Jerry.

He's gone to the wasteland in the sky now...

...

...

How did I kill Jerry?

Same way you kill everything. You hit him with a brick.

Of course! I remember now.

Yeah...

I hit him with a brick.

He did.

Ha, good old Jerry, eh?

Ah, Jerry.

Tell him I said 'hi' if you see him.

Well, I can't. He's dead, remember?

Oh, of course!

Yeah...

...I killed him...

...yeah, yeah you did.

...

...

He was a lot of fun though, eh?

He certainly was.

Always laughing and making jokes.

That's our Jerry.

And then he tried to eat us.

Yeah...

Not one of Jerry's best moments.

No...

...

...

But he was a good guy.

Oh, yeah. Great guy. Jerry.

...

...

We should go see him some time.

He's dead, Strongbolt.

Right! Silly me. I keep forgetting.

You did kill him.

Ha! I certainly did!

...

...

I'll miss Jerry.

He was a good guy.

Yeah...

Have you heard from him recently?

No, Strongbolt. He's dead. Jerry is dead. You killed him.

Oh, of course I did. I threw a brick at him, right?

Yeah...

...

...

Then his head popped like a watermelon.

It did.

Yeah...

...

Poor Jerry, eh? Poor, poor Jerry.

Indeed.

Xagon

Phew, this is it. The big one. The chapter we've all been waiting for...

Of all the creatures we've listed, the Xagon is by far the most horrific, most terrifying, most dangerous beast of them all.

Strap in. This is gonna be a good one.

A Xagon, pronounced 'Zagon', is a gigantic dragonlike creature whose body is composed entirely of carbon based rocks. Some, less rare variants, have bodies formed from coal or graphite.

The more dangerous type, the one we came across, has a body made of crystals and diamonds.

Like Cragadiles, the Xagons use a form of magic binding which stems from their hearts to keep themselves together.

Unlike the Cragadiles, however, the magic stretches through to the very atoms in the Xagons carbon shells, making it incredibly strong. Even my brick could break it... at first...

Since it's body is made of some of the hardest natural materials known to pony kind, which are made even harder thanks to the magical binding, the Xagon is capable of storing even the most corrosive and explosive of substances inside its body.

This means it is capable of utilising two very powerful, very uncontrollable abilities. The first is spitting a destructive acid which it stores within its stomach and the second is igniting this stomach acid using magical flames.

You know how a dragon breaths fire? Well, Xagons breath explosions. Flamethrower like rays of destruction that can obliterate just about anything.

To sum them up, Xagons are gigantic, dragon-shaped crystal monsters that breath acid grenades and are powered by flaming magic. Now, I know what you're thinking: these guys could destroy our world. And to be honest, they probably could.

But luckily, the regular, far smaller coal and graphite based Xagons do not have these abilities as their bodies are too feeble. Also, there have only been three diamond Xagon sightings in recorded history and they were rumoured to have gone dormant centuries ago.

None of these Xagons are remotely near Equestria, of course. However, the closest to us would've be in the infamous Mount Hekstum of the Badlands.

This, reader, is where our story begins...

Well, not OUR story, that began in high school.

This, reader, is where THIS story begins.

All through our foalhoods we were told stories of the perilous Mount Hekstum and all the adventurers who had lost their lives seeking the treasure hidden within.

One of the main reasons we began travelling was to explore Mount Hekstum, and to be honest, it was probably the scariest adventure we've had.

I don't know about you guys, but I really want to hear this story and the suspense is killing me.

What are you talking about? You're in the story! How can the suspe-

Shiera! Please! Stop! Stalling!

Alright, alright... sheesh, keep your shirt on...

I'm not wearing a shirt... I'm not wearing anything. We don't normally wear clothes...

It's a figure of speech you rambunctious oaf. Now, if you want to hear the story, why don't you just tell it?

That's a good idea, Shiera. Perhaps you're smarter than I thought.

Oh brother...

During our exploration of the Badlands, Shiera and I stumbled upon what we believed was Mount Hekstum.

How do you 'stumble' upon a mountain? It's not like you can just trip over it, I mean, it's a mountain...

Shiera, do you mind?

Oh, sorry.

As I was saying, we had 'found' what we believed to be Mount Hekstum, at long last, our lifelong search-

We were only out there for three days...

Our LIFELONG search, was at its end. Well, nearly... we hadn't actually been inside yet...

We didn't even know if there even was an inside...

We only kinda realised that the stories we were told might have just been myths when we were at the mountain base.

The one thing those stories certainly didn't tell us was that Mount Hekstum was actually a volcano.

But believe me, that doesn't compare at all with the main attraction...

Which you woke up.

My brick fell out of my bag!

And straight into the Xagon's mouth, at which point you screamed: "Brick! No!"

Not my best idea.

Soon after, we stood face to face with an enraged Xagon, glaring down at us with its flaming eyes.

That's when we realised: ponies didn't die at Mount Hekstum because they hunted treasure, they died because the treasure hunted them!

Suddenly, all the tales made sense.

Then it hit home: we were looking at the most dangerous creature we had ever encountered. So, as one does when staring into the face of a beast, we ran like tourists to a gift shop on Black Friday.

The Xagon was clearly larger and faster than us, so it caught up pretty quick. And it could fly.

We ran in opposite directions and kinda got separated.

I guess the Xagon just saw Strongbolt as a meatier meal-

What's that supposed to mean?! It's muscle! Not fat!

You keep telling yourself that, dear.

Anyhow, the Xagon chased me across the conyon nearby, blowing holes through every wall and creating craters the size of elephants. Soon after, it quickly cornered me, at which point I thought: well, if I'm gonna go out, I'm gonna do it the same way I came in... kicking and screaming.

It's not the most reassuring sight, seeing your husband swallowed whole by a giant diamond monster. And for a moment, I honestly thought he was dead and even gave a few tears.

This is the awesome part. As it turns out, the Xagon's throat was wide enough for me to fit through unharmed. However, I soon came into the beast's stomach, where pools of acid bubbled below me. I flew above it, kicked a few walls and tried to squeeze through a couple of tubes with no luck.

All the while making the Xagon shudder and shake on the outside.

Then I saw it: a collection of luminous rocks bundled together, floating ominously, attached to a number of similar veins. This was, of course, the heart.

Now, the heart of a Xagons is much like its skin: still quite tough to break, so he couldn't do anything to it with his bare hooves...

However, when I took a closer look, I realised there was something wedged in between the crystals. By some miracle...

Miracle?

...my brick had survived! I pulled it out swiftly and with a manly bellow I thrust it forth again, shattering the heart into a thousand pieces!

Suddenly, the Xagon stopped, the flames in its eyes extinguished and it crumbled to the ground in a heap of rare, valuable gems. And in the midst of it all, Strongbolt's hoof stuck out from the pile, and in it, his brick.

I'd say Xagon Slayer is quite the necessary title.

In one day, we had discovered the truth of Mount Hekstum, found and defeated a Xagon...

...which, for the record, makes me the first person in over a thousand years to do it...

...surprisingly enough we had all lived through it and we stood upon one of the greatest treasures we would ever see...

My brick!

No! The diamonds!

Oh, yeah, those were pretty nice too.

We were rich. We were safe. And we were at the end of another great adventure.

Now that, dear readers, is what you call a story!