Chapter 1 - A Humble Request Gone Horribly Right
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A Rare Source of Irritation
Chapter 1 - A Humble Request Gone Horribly Right
It was as so many others had been, a fabulous day of fabulous fabulousness at fabulous Carousel Boutique…
Things had gone so well as for the day to be even called…
Kinda sorta good.
...Ish.
Rarity let out a content sigh, as she sat and ‘worked’ in her studio. The blinds were down, Rarity wasn’t expecting anypony, Opal was currently preoccupied with enough catnip to kill a mountain lion, Sweetie and the other Crusaders had been distracted by a cunning plan of introducing them to conspiracy theories and leaving the tin foil carefully almost hidden…
Truly, it was a good day for the mare.
Rarity sipped once more from her jug of absinthe. Just letting the copious amounts of ‘inspiration’ flow through her. She lounged back on her fainting couch with a content smile. Life was good...
Rarity groaned as the bell on the front door rang, signaling either her friends come to drag her on some half baked adventure and or that the end was nigh…
Again.
“...I swear, if this is another crisis Celestia and Luna could have solved a millennia ago with a simple sledgehammer… Then I’m calling it quits and moving to Prance. Obligations be darned…” The fashionista muttered to herself as she swiftly used her magic to pour her booze back into it’s bottle and hide her ‘muse.’ Within moments it once more rested in this ghastly bolt of plaid she’d used once for its intended purpose.
A quick sobering spell that made Rarity wish for a swift death as it forced her through the entire hangover in but a few moments and a well rehearsed fake smile later, and she was ready to meet the ~~wretched interloper~~ valued customer.
To Rarity’s surprise, her local fellow entrepreneur and nouveau riche that hid it for tax reasons, Mr. Cake was standing there. The normally yellow earth pony was looking quite a bit redder than normal.
Rarity blinked, her ‘smile’ forgotten at the rare sight, before making it down and greeting the thoroughly embarrassed stallion. “Mr. Cake, a pleasure… but is something wrong? You look a bit… flustered.”
Mr. Cake put a hoof in front of his mouth and let out an embarrassed cough. “...Evening, Miss Rarity…” He stumbled over the words, seemingly wanting to look everywhere but at the fashionista.
Rarity blinked once more. Such behavior from this particular married stallion usually meant one of two things… Since a wish to elope would mean a chance to get laid, something that seemed to be against the very will of the creator for the poor mare that was out…
So that only left the obvious. “...Has Pinkie ascended and you want me to run, but can’t think of a way to say so that can’t be interpreted as a joke?!”
Mr. Cake paled. “NO!”
Both ponies let out a breath of relief.
Mr. Cake seemed to have calmed from the revelation that things were nowhere near as bad as they could be, and decided to just get it off his back. The day Pinkie ascended would indeed be the day Tartarus froze over. “...Well, Miss Rarity… I’m going to be blunt. The Missus has gotten… bored.” The blush returned, with a revengeance. “...I’ll just ask to get it over with. Do you work in… rubber or latex and if so, how much?”
Rarity blinked and carefully bit back a laugh. “I must admit I have little experience with those materials…”
Rarity’s heart melted at the sight of the stallion sagging in defeat and quickly raised a hoof. “Still, as long as you won’t mind it not being my best work I wouldn’t mind a chance to…” Rarity failed to hold back a small burst of laughter. “...experiment, as the case may be.”
Mr. Cake, who for once was a brighter red then the mane of his wife or their ‘employee’ both he and his wife were seeing on the side, still managed a thankful nod.
The pair quickly settled into discussing price. As both were shrewd business owners, it was truly an epic battle of wills and greed…
Sadly, I, The Narrator slash Author is seemingly the only person in existence that finds fictional characters haggling fictional money over fictional goods intriguing, and thus this has been cut for your convenience.
...Philistines.
Anyway, the pair soon had a deal. Since Rarity was unsure of the materials and style she was willing to lower the price a bit, but since at the same time she would need tools and materials outside her normal ones a compromise of her usual rate was soon reached.
As with all good deals, both parties secretly thought ‘Sucker!’ at each other as they shook hooves and sealed the deal.
With practices ease, Rarity soon had Mr. Cake’s measurements and waved him off. “I won’t promise a deadline, but I’ll keep you posted, darling. You go tell the Missus a surprise is in the works.”
The embarrassed stallion waved back and left, leaving Rarity to her own devices.
Now, as a fashionista in a reasonably small town, Rarity was no stranger to risqué request. Saddles, bridles, lacy underwear, a fursuit or five, riding crops, spurs…
When you lived in the same village as Hugh Jelly, Clip Clop and Rainbow Dash very few things simply came as a shock or even a surprise.
Rarity had seen it all...except strangely latex and it’s ilk. She had simply thought the perversion fairy had left that bag at home when visiting Ponyville, but it seemed she had been wrong.
As a respectful enabler of sick and twisted things between agreeing adults, Rarity of course set out to ~~tap a new market and make frankly embarrassing amounts of dosh~~ correct this tragic gap in her knowledge.
She checked her own library of books, but sadly it seemed she had tragically neglected the proud field of things that go *squeak* in the bedroom. She had books on saddle making, whip making, The Language of Flowers, riding and many other utterly depraved thing… but not a single one that as much as mentioned what she was currently after.
Truly, it was a tragedy for the ages.
Rarity decided that there was really only one place to go for such eldritch forbidden knowledge no mare was ever meant to know... and decided to pay Twilight a visit.
...But first.
Rarity trotted over to the basement, lifted the trapdoor cunningly hidden under the welcome mat and stuck her head down. “Sweetie, you and your friends having fun?”
“IT ALL MAKES SENSE!” Sweetie shouted excitedly, a glimmer of metal just visibly in the gloom. “OF COURSE WE REALLY LIVE IN A HELIOCENTRIC SOLAR SYSTEM AND CELESTIA AND LUNA JUST FAKE IT ALL!”
Another gleaming head, this one with a few tufts of purple sticking out through the foil, started nodding vigorously. “YES! TRULY, IT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING!”
Apple Bloom nodded just as vigorously, smiling wide at Scootaloo and with her foil covered bow bobbing behind her head. “YES! SHE IS OBVIOUSLY IN CAHOOTS WITH THE SKIN MARES WHO ARE PLOTTING TO CONQUER ALL OF EQUESTRIA FOR THE HU-MANS!” She waved a newspaper clipping around excitedly. “IN THIS PICTURE, YOU CAN CLEARLY SEE HER BLINK… AND REVEAL HER REAL TINY, BEADY EYES BEHIND THE MASK!”
Rarity chuckled as the three fillies screamed in mock horror. “Good to hear. You three just bust the conspiracy wide open. I’ll be over at Twilight if you need any help ‘bringing the mare down.’”
Rarity only waited for a trio of cheery shouts of “OK!” before gently lowering the trapdoor and replacing the rug again.
Rarity just had to chuckle at the muffled words: “Cutie mark crusaders conspiracy theorists! Yay!”
With a song in her heart and chuckling from schadenfreude Rarity grabbed her saddlebags and headed for the Golden Oaks library.
Before Rarity knew it, she was at the library and giving the door a dainty knock. To her relief given the subject matter Twilight, not Spike, answered the door. “Hi, Rarity! What brings you here?”
Rarity sauntered in, relieved to be out of the sun. “Well, darling… I must admit I’d rather not say.”
Twilight blinked, before groaning and smacking her head. “...Another request that would make me want to risk a mind wiping spell?”
Rarity chuckled and winked at the Princess of Magic. “Got it one, Twilight.”
Twilight looked towards the heavens and let out a tired sigh, wings near dragging on the floor. “I know I’ll regret this… but since Spike’s visiting mom and dad I guess I can help without speaking in code for half the day. What do you need?”
Rarity let out a ladylike cough. “I’ve been asked to make ‘something in rubber or latex’ but I’ve never worked in those materials… Any chance you have encountered any books I could use?”
Twilight let out a sigh of relief. “...That’s it? Honestly, after the last time I was worried you needed anatomy and engineering textbooks to make a anatomically correct costume of a undead robot changeling or something…”
Rarity made a face at the reminder of Mayor Mare’s latest idea for a Nightmare Night costume, a skintight body-stocking that made it’s wearer look completely see through with illusions. Getting the anatomy correct had been… mentally taxing.
And of course the first thing the mare had tested with it… was eating a plate of noodles in front of a mirror.
Truly, there was something wrong in that mare’s head. Granted, to voluntarily run such a crazy place as Ponyville you almost needed that, but…
“Nothing so… gross this time, Twilight,” Rarity hasted to clarify. “Just a couple that wants a bit of excitement in the bedroom and a material I haven’t worked before. Any help would be greatly appreciated.”
Twilight tilted her head, thinking it over. “...I’m not sure, Rarity. This isn’t exactly the royal library in Canterlot. Even if I try. That’s a bit of an… odd subject. I’m not sure if we have any books about that…”
Rarity’s hopes fell, but she made herself comfortable by sitting down on the floor as Twilight flittered about among the shelves, looking for anything related.
It took long enough that Rarity had slightly dozed off, but Twilight finally flew over with an apologetic grin and only two books floating behind her in her purple aura. “Sorry, this is what I found…”
Rarity smiled at her friend and accepted the books. The first, Rare Fabrics And Their Uses by Silk Thread seemed a bit dry if promising…
The second though… “...Uh, Twilight? I can’t read this.”
The book was old. Bound in leather and with flowing letters in old Equestrian. It seemed more a spellbook, then a seamstresses guide.
Twilight blushed slightly. “...It’s a copy of the unicorn version of the Camel Sutra from before the unification war. The name isn’t quite right, but in modern Equestrian it would be called The Delights Forbidden. It’s a bit hard to read nowadays, but I distinctly remember a part about…” Twilight let out a cough and her blush deepened. “...the usages of fabrics in the bedroom. I know it isn’t quite what you're after, but perhaps there something in there your client will find… enticing?”
Rarity fought down a joke about why Twilight possible could have wanted to read such a book and instead opted for practicality. “...I must admit it sounds promising, darling… but I still can’t read this.”
Twilight held up a primary in a ‘one moment’ gesture, before daring over and grabbing another book. She opened the well worn book on a equally worn bookmark, before trotting back over and touching The Delights Forbidden with her lit up horn.
Rarity let out a impressed gasp as glowing letters formed over the book, spelling its title out in text superimposed over the cover in Twilight's purple magic. Experimentally, Rarity opened the old tome only to have the same effect happen on every page.
She quickly slammed the book shut as the spell started spelling out a quite lurid way to use ones telekinesis.
She made a note to check it out in private later, but the knowing look on Twilight’s face simply made Rarity blush too much to ever admit it out loud.
Twilight let out a giggle. “The translation spell should last a day or two. I would recommend being careful with any spells since it isn’t very exact, but it should be good enough for anything not to be used on a pony… Just be aware you might lose some fabric experimenting.”
Rarity beamed her brightest smile at her friend. “Thank you, Twilight! I’ll be sure to be careful.”
Rarity and Twilight waved farewell to each other, and Rarity set path towards the market for supplies.
Within the hour, she had her saddlebags filled to bursting with spools of various fabrics of the less normal kinds. Vinyl, latex, rubber… Truly, it was with mixed feelings Rarity headed back to her shop. On one hoof, it made her feel a bit silly… On the other, it was always intriguing to learn something new in her chosen craft.
...Even if it was more then a bit strange. Still, not like she’d be wearing the silly thing!
Rarity paused in the doorway to give the trapdoor a knock. “You girls still OK down there?”
Her response come from a bored looking Sweetie trotting out of the kitchen with a plate of sandwiches on her back. “Eh, we’re done. Sitting in a basement and screaming how ‘IT ALL MAKES SENSE!’ kinda got boring quickly…”
Inwardly Rarity swore over the loss of such a potent source of peace and relative quiet, but outwardly she just smiled. “I’m sorry to hear that, Sweetie…”
Sweetie waved a hoof vaguely at her side. “Well, it was a nice attempt…” She reached behind and grabbed a sandwich, offering it to Rarity with a hopefully smile on her face. “Want one? It’s lettuce and celery!”
Rarity took one at the burned sheets of carbon with something green and glowing dripping from in-between them and decided that she was no longer hungry. “Sorry, Sweetie… I’m simply not that hungry…”
Sweetie Bell pouted at her sister. “Fine! More for me then!”
Rarity’s smile got waxen as her sister slurped up the sandwich in one gulp.
Sweetie gave her sister a big and glowing smile, her teeth covered in bits of ash and the green goop. “Yummy! I love that blueberry flavor!”
Rarity’s ear flickered, her face still a waxen mask. “...I thought you said those are celery and lettuce sandwiches…?”
Sweetie waved her sister off again. “Details. They’re all fruits, right?”
Rarity did her best to flee in a dignified and ladylike manner as Sweetie reached for another of her crimes against the culinary arts.
Rarity breathed a sigh of relief as she sank down on the other side of her new bolted and barred studio door…
“Oh, yummy! Pie flavor! My favorite vegetable!” It came excitedly from behind the door. “I’m getting so good in cooking, I’ll have a cutie mark in it soon for sure!”
Rarity carefully floated a bit of fabric over and bit down on it. Then once she was certain her sister would not hear, she started laughing like mad.
Once Rarity had gotten the incredulity at her sister’s statement out of her system, she discarded the now ruined piece of cloth into the wastebasket and got to work.
Rarity started with the more mundane book, summing her fainting couch for a bit of comfort…
By the time Rarity awoke from the utter snooze pill of a book, it had long since turned dark. She carefully lifted the void of interest from her face, using her magic for a bit of light.
Rarity blanched a bit at seeing the page number ten. “...Well, I must certainly know which book to borrow next time I have trouble sleeping…” She muttered as she placed it back in her bags.
She hesitated at seeing the other book she’d been loaned before just shrugging. From the silence of the house, Sweetie had long since gone to bed and… well, this was hardly the type of book one read in the company of others. Doing it in the dead of night seemed… fitting somehow.
Rarity used a simple light spell to not need her horn while she read, summoning a simple ball of light just over her shoulder. Floating the book over was foal’s play… if not quite appropriate for that age group.
Humming interestedly, Rarity scanned the index. It was an… eclectic mix of content. Some stuff like tips about saddles were clearly marked up as if it was these utterly beyond the pale perversions, including heartfelt assurances by the author he had never tried this sick filth but simply including it for completeness sake… while just in the very next chapter the uses shaving could be put to entice your mate was discussed as if it was the weeks weather schedule.
Rarity had to admit it made her cheeks heat up, but it was slightly fascinating to notice that in even stuff like this there were trends. Truly, this book had climbed out of a forgotten age…
Granted, the short chapter about how to please your pegasi or earth pony concubines if you found yourself with such spelled that out in lurid if brief detail.
Still, Rarity fought down a playful little thought of ‘accidentally’ yanking Applejack’s braid, or brush against Rainbow’s wings just to see where it might lead… but as amusing the thought was, she didn’t want to risk her friendship so the point was moot.
“...Ah, here we are…” Rarity muttered as she found what she’d been looking for.
Her heart quickened as she took in the very first spell. It seemed to be a way to reshape cloth to make it take on the properties of other things. Images of silk sparkling like diamonds, velvet with the shine of gold and similar danced across her mind. If it worked as advertised, it would utterly change and refine her craft!
...But a frown swept across the fashionista’s face. What the buck, to be blunt, was this spell doing in a book like this? Surly just dressing in silk or whatever your particular perversion happened to be was the much simpler solution then magic?
...Perhaps with enough practice you didn’t need both materials?
That thought made Rarity’s hooves shake in excitement. Hard enough she had to put the book down next to herself.
She simply had to try!
However, just because Rarity wasn’t much of a mage, didn’t mean she was a bumbling apprentice either. She of course started this by reading the whole spell. Including its counterspell.
...However, all seemed to be in order…
Something that made the hairs on Rarity’s neck stand straight up. She’d been through far to many shenanigans these recent years not to smell a rat when such a juice gem of a spell was just sitting on the empty field with no dragons in sight, so to speak.
Carefully, she floated over a magnifying glass she kept on hand for the more detailed needlework and started looking for any hilarious fine print. Rarity had never understood why, but a certain type of mage seemed to love to make spells that turned their casters into horny coconuts for forever unless they had sex with a beer bottle in a busy road crossing with at least a gryphon, a minotaur and a pegacorn watching…
Not only would that be somewhat inconvenient, but Rarity didn’t even like beer.
Personally, Rarity blamed far too much time on their hooves and not nearly enough of it spent releasing all that pent up frustration and energy.
Besides, surely inventing a ‘summon horny mare that is both attractive, attracted to me and willing to be whisked away like this’ spell would be not only much more practical, but actually achieve the result they seemed to want?
Rarity spent a quiet moment doing her best to project thoughts of Take me! I’m single and that desperate!
...But alas, no sudden burst of light or magic slash dorky but lovable loser presented it or himself.
Again.
With a sigh Rarity floated the magnifying glass back to its spot. Her disappointment at her love life being drier than the Badlands aside, there seemed to be no ‘hilarious’ trap. The spell was seemingly on the level.
Rarity decided to risk her booze hidey-hole, carefully placing the bottle on her workbench and floating the dreadful blue, purple and orange plaid onto her left hoof. She wish she could claim drunkenness for the purchase… but truth be told it had been pity.
Carousel Boutique had not been the first resting place of this ‘cloth’, simply put. The owner of the cloth had simply been so happy somepony was finally looking for more than five seconds at her old shame from her apprenticeship that Rarity had simply not had the heart to tell to her face it was from morbid fascination rather than anything more positive.
...Still, Rarity mused as she looked at the dreadful atrocity of anti-fashion, it was hardly everyday you made a grown mare cry from happiness for the small price of a single bit.
...She wasn’t sure if the cloth itself was worth that much, but the happiness had been it.
Rarity floated over one of the small bundles of latex cloth and unfurled it over her other hoof. It was strangely smooth and cool compared to what she was used to working with, while still getting uncomfortably hot quickly as it rested against her. She couldn’t imagine using it in her normal work, but it seemed an interesting challenge at least.
The already shiny white cloth was nearly radiant in the light of her spell however, so Rarity had to admit to a few thoughts about that perhaps changing if this experiment turned out well.
Rarity checked and double checked the spell. She didn’t think Twilight would intentionally give her something dangerous… but it paid to be a bit paranoid when dabbling in new magic.
Being certain she’d gotten it right, Rarity threw her head back and cast.
What she had not counted on however, was the plaid losing its traction and gliding of the outstretched hoof from the small movement just as the spell finished.
A sudden burst of slight pain made Rarity wince and she quickly looked at her hoof in near panic…
Only to let out a sigh of relief as nothing had seemingly happened. She flexed and turned it, but nothing. The same hoof she’d always had had. “Phew… The spell must have fizzled.”
The sudden relief at not having utterly bucked herself in such a stupid manner flowed over Rarity, washing away what little energy she’d gained by her improper nap. She lifted a hoof to her forehead and groaned. “...Darn it all, I must be more tired than I thought. That should teach me to cast new spells in the middle of the night…”
Rarity got up from her couch, dismissing it with a thought and quick spell to its normal resting place of her attic. Normally she wouldn’t use her magic for something so quick and easy to just use your hooves on, but she wanted to get into bed as quick as possible so she floated all the stuff she’d gotten and used out of her bags and gently put it all on her workbench.
Rarity moved towards her bedroom, only to stop in the doorway and scratch absently at her hoof as she looked at the perverted spellbook. The book itself wasn’t going anywhere… but the spell Twilight had put on it did have a time limit… Would some light bedtime reading go amiss?
Deciding not to, Rarity headed out. It could wait until morning. Besides, she thought with a chuckle, I doubt I’ll get any sleep anytime soon if I read that book in bed!
Still softly chuckling at her own joke in the way you do when you’re way to tired, Rarity found her bed and climbed in. With a content sigh she put her sleeping mask on and crawled under the covers, happy over a good day…
Rarity was asleep before she knew it, just drifting off into a peaceful if dreamless slumber.
Totally unaware as her left foreleg gleamed in the moonlight, the smooth plastic replacing it creeping ever so slowly over her sleeping features…
Author's Note
First attempt at using a narrator as well as writing crack. Please give feedback if you have the time.
Chapter 2 - The Particularly Peculiar Part Pertaining Pretty Plastic Pony Plus Phony Psychopomp Pursuing Perceptive Purple Princess Pur Preposterous Plot Purposes
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A Rare Source of Irritation
Chapter 2 - The Particularly Peculiar Part Pertaining Pretty Plastic Pony Plus Phony Psychopomp Pursuing Perceptive Purple Princess Pur Preposterous Plot Purposes
Author's note:
I usually don't give warnings about stuff like this... but I know some people are really sensitive to mood-whiplash. This chapter has one or two spots of that for plot purposes, so just a heads-up.
This is the stories darkest chapter, but it's more dark humor then [Dark] if you follow.
Without further ado...
Rarity woke with a groan. For some reason she just felt like utter horse apples this morning. There was this odd and unpleasant taste in her mouth, her skin felt strangely stiff and she swore there was this utterly bucked up faint squeaking sound in her head that came and went in tandem with her freaking pulse…
Naturally, there was only one logical explanation given that the last thing she could remember was her late night magical experimentation...
“Oh sweet Celestia’s beard,” Rarity swore under her breath as she grabbed her aching head. “I don’t even remember the party this time! Pinkie swore she’d never let me drink this much again!”
With a mote of hope in her heart, Rarity started feeling around herself in the bed. The small smile died as quickly as that hope as she didn’t find some strange stallion she’d never seen before.
Rarity let out a unladylike grumble under her breath. Honestly, what was the point of living in Equestria's shenanigans central if you woke up alone after a night of heavy drinking? It was just utterly unnatural.
Still grumbling, the fashionista tore off her sleepmask and started the arduous task of the grand exodus to an exotic realm spoken of only in legends…
The Ladies Room.
Truly, it was a task worthy of tales given how utterly wretched the mare in question felt.
...And just what ~~cursed rotgut~~ rare delight had she ~~chugged like there was no tomorrow~~ had just a bit too much of to get a headache that squeaked of all strange things? Had Twilight tried her hoof at making magic liquor in that still she’d swore herself purpler was only for the lab’s needs of distilled water and similar?
Rarity groaned as she was so out of it her hoof just slid of the handle of the bathroom door.
...Perhaps she had actually been dumb enough to getdrunk on a bottle or two of Twilight’s disinfection alcohol? It must certainly would explain why she felt like this… if not why she’d been dumb enough to do so in the first place.
...A dare from Rainbow, perhaps? Rarity mulled it over as she finally got the door open by using both hooves.
….No, that didn’t fit. Rainbow was many, many things... but hardly the sort to endanger her friends like that. A hot sauce drinking contest, sure… but not one with freaking rubbing alcohol.
From how foggy and groggy Rarity’s head felt, she reached the conclusion it would probably remain a mystery. The last thing she remembered was that spell fizzling and then going to bed…
...Oh sweet mercy! Rarity thought with a panicked grimace.
Suddenly much more awake from the sudden panic… Well, relatively at least… Rarity throw herself down the stairs and desperately…
Checked her mail by the door.
Rarity let out a deep sigh of relief as no stack of several newspapers greeted her. She’d never been so out of it after a party as to lose days, and she was relieved that was still the case. A Lady such as herself could of course live something like a momentary lapse in judgment like that down… but not for quite awhile and most certainly notwithout a thousand and one bad jokes at her expense.
Humming a soft tune, she headed back to the bathroom. The squeaking having faded into a almost ignorable background detail.
Rarity blinked as she passed a window with the sun streaming in without discomfort. It puzzled her for a moment, but then she got it and nodded to herself. Yup, definitely some type of magic spirit of the hunts only your liver kind. There was a decent amount of them on the market, most of them with some added magical effect of some sort or another… but a lot of them tasted as if the only thing magical about them was that they had been filtered through a badly enchanted sock.
Rarity stuck her tongue out in disgust, the movement accompanied by another squeak. Yup, she simply must have agreed to sample one of Berry Punch’s latest experiments or something. A brew attempting to replace a hangover with a more pleasant alternative or something.
Rarity amused herself for a few moments by sticking her tongue in and out. The pitch was wrong, but she could almost play the national anthem like that.
...It was strange and more than a bit irritating… but on the whole? Definitely an improvement over the standard hangover. If that was really what had happened and the short term memory impairment could be fixed the stuff might actually be a decent success…
Rarity nodded sagely to herself and her shiny reflection in the window. Granted, perhaps that was a prediction best left until after she could actually remember the taste of the mystery drink…
Rarity snorted at her private joke. The taste! As if that had ever stopped anypony!
Giggling quietly as to not wake Sweetie, Rarity near skipped to the bathroom. Judging from how good her mood was this morning the day would probably go one of two ways…
A nice, quiet day of getting some relaxation and work done…
Or the end was nigh and this was the calm before the storm. Again.
Either way, since this was Ponyville and the line between those two extremes was such a thin hairline crack filled to the brim with pure insanity and twisted things crawling just beyond the veil of reality... Rarity intended to enjoy herself while this all too rare tranquility lasted.
Soon, she had once more made it to the bathroom.
The sleepy mare was so out of it thanks to her involuntarily late night, that it took until she’d brushed her shiny teeth, brushed her even more so than normal shiny mane…
In fact, it was only once she moved to start putting on her fake eyelashes and got a closeup of her own face that she noticed.
The.
Worst.
Possible.
Thing!
Rarity showed both hooves into her mouth in an attempt to not wake the entire town. A shrill gurgle still made it out.
She…
She…
This… this was simply the worst of all worst possible things!
She…
She, the most fabulous and obviously most desirable of all the available mares in all of Ponyville if not Equestria itself...
Had a gray hair!
Still with both hooves squarely in her mouth, Rarity collapsed onto the floor and started rocking back and forth. Horrible images flashing through her mind of herself as… as…. as…
Rarity let out another gurgling shriek as the thought fully materialized in her minds-eye.
A rocking chair, other ponies grandchildren coming over, her fabulous mane now that color...
Even… even… wrinkles!
An old maid!
Rarity whimpered around her hooves.
Just as a half baked plan involving the local bar, a red cocktail dress, enough makeup that even a stallion would notice and simply abandoning any pretense of subtlety started flickering across Rarity’s mind…
The innocent if poorly timed piece of lint fell from her forehead and drifted lazily to the floor as Rarity watched.
...Oops.
The sudden wave of relief nearly turned Rarity into nothing more than a fabulous puddle of unconscious pony on the bathroom floor.
She got so relaxed in fact, that she suddenly finally noticed how her hooves tasted like plastic.
With a plop, Rarity pulled out her hooves.
Her pristinely white, shiny latex hooves. Covered in some type of latex mockery of spit that reeked of plastic.
A bit dazed, Rarity rubbed them together experimentally. She got a high pitched sound of plastic against plastic not quite unlike hooves on a chalkboard for her troubles so shrill it made the mirror vibrate and her ears hurt.
“...Huh,” was all the commentary that came to mind for the poor mare.
Rarity just stared at herself for not even she knows how long.
Then with a groan she clutched her head and resisted an urge to start swearing like a sailor. “...This is going to be one of the weird days, isn’t it?”
With a sigh Rarity got to her hooves and looked into the mirror. Indeed, now that she’d been shocked awake it was… quite frankly unmistakable.
The same fabulous face and mane as always… but shiny freaking plastic. Rarity could even see and feel odd creases form when she moved her jaw around.
She looked like a freaking blow up doll. A fabulous one that had cost a fore and hind leg, but still.
Rarity put a hoof to where her aorta should be… and strangely, she actually still had a pulse. It was still slightly elevated from her quick brush with the concept of her own mortality just moments prior, but aside from the quiet squeak that was now impossible to miss once she actually knew what to listen for things even seemed... normal.
Rarity cringed slightly mentally at that realization. Something normal in Ponyville... Like that was ever a good sign.
Rarity’s well trained stoicism in the face of all things strange got interrupted by a white and light purple blur tackling her to the floor in a hug.
Rarity was just about to give her sister the verbal dress down of a lifetime… when she noticed the death grip and the wetness against her neck. She barely had time to start returning the hug before Sweetie Bell started wailing in her arms.
It took Rarity nearly an hour of saying comforting nonsense and pats on the back, before Sweetie’s cries was replaced with just hiccups.
She still kept the death grip on her sister though.
“...Sweetie?” Rarity ventured, keeping her voice as kind as possible. “...Just what happened from your perspective?”
Sweetie rubbed the snot away on the back of her hoof before speaking in a voice that was just barely above a whisper. “...I went in to wake you and… saw you like this. I thought…”
Rarity gently kissed her sister on the base of the horn. “Sweetie, why didn’t you try?”
Sweetie gulped and tears brimmed in her eyes again, but she barely kept her composure. “...I didn’t think it would… work.”
Hearing that, Rarity held her sister sister a bit tighter and patted her on the back. “No need to worry, Sweetie… It’s just a spell for utter perverts I thought I might have a use for in my craft…”
Sweetie tensed slightly. “...How, exactly?”
Rarity bit back a giggle. “Not like that.”
“...Oh.”
“I thought I might have found a way to make one material look like another…” Rarity held up a shiny hoof to the light. “...I’m not certain if the thought of this being a unfortunate mistake or the spell working as intended sends the biggest shiver down my spine… but I must admit it’s interesting at least.”
Sweetie made a face. “...No offence, sis… but you most certainly smell like ‘another material.’”
Rarity acted as the grownup in the room… and stuck her tongue out with a loud squeak at her sister. “Oh hush. I’ll just go to my studio and cast the counterspell…” Rarity’s face turned wistful. “...and for once there’s a bucking crisis we can solve before breakfast even!”
Sweetie started fidgeting and rubbing her hooves together, not quite looking at Rarity.
With a sigh, Rarity’s hope of a swift resolution to her plastic dilemma fluttered away just as swiftly as any semblance of commonsense near Pinkie. “...Yes, Sweetie?”
The filly in question kept her gaze locked to the floor and mumbled something.
Rarity leaned down and kissed her sister on the horn again. “Sweetie, just tell me.”
Sweetie gulped, but managed to force the words out. “...I might have overreacted, found the book and…” Sweetie let out a nervous laugh. “On the plus side, I figured out how to set things on fire with my magic!”
Rarity tried, she really did… but she couldn’t stop herself from facehoofing. “...Sweetie, you didn’t…”
“Hey!” Sweetie shouted with a hoof jabbed into her sister’s stomach for emphasis. “I thought that after all the bucked up horse apples you’ve done a freaking miscast of a spell from a cheap Camel Sutra knockoff of all freaking things had done you in!” Sweetie prodded her blushing sibling for emphasis a few more times. “And yes, I know what that book is! Honestly, you treat me like I’m two all the freaking time! I might be struggling with my magic, but not even I’m dumb enough to try a new spell without somepony nearby to rush me to the emergency room if something goes wrong!”
Rarity winced as a teary eyed Sweetie slammed both hooves in her stomach. “What the buck is wrong with you?!”
Rarity pulled the once more sniffling Sweetie Bell into another hug. “...Darn it, I was kinda stupid last night, wasn’t I?”
Sweetie glared Rarity straight in the eye. “No. You don’t say.”
Rarity scowled and flicked her sister on the nose. “Darling, I look like I’m a poltergeist with good taste but poor choice in what type of store to hunt. Cut down on the sarcasm and swearing, alright? I’m fairly certain how I shall probably never hear the end of this will be more than enough punishment…”
“Fine, fine…” Sweetie grumbled as she rubbed some feeling back into her nose.
Rarity looked towards her workroom. “...How much fire are we talking here? Perhaps if I’m really lucky the page in question might…”
“You are going to need a new copy,” Sweetie deadpanned. “...and a table. And a new bottle of that absinthe you think I don’t know about.”
Rarity looked on Sweetie with horror.
The filly for her part coughed embarrassedly into a hoof. “...I wasn’t exactly planning on burning the book… I just saw red and it kinda happened… That, and you usually hide your booze so I thought it was a bottle of water…”
Rarity groaned and buried her head in her hooves. “...Just how much of the room is actually left…?”
Sweetie beamed at her sister. “I ran to the kitchen and got my fire extinguisher as fast as I could!”
Rarity’s eye twitched. That of course meant her studio and all the fabrics kept there were not only if not outright singed, then at least lightly smoke damaged and covered in fire retardant.
Rarity let out a sigh. Still, it was better than the whole boutique burning.
Sweetie fidgeted again. “...You still buy those in bulk, right? It’s my turn to cook tomorrow but I grabbed the last one from the fire extinguisher closet…”
Rarity carefully bit back another groan as to not hurt her sister’s feelings. “...Tell you what, Sweetie? At this rate we both are going to need something small to look forward to, so how about I promise pizza?”
“Yay!” Sweetie exclaimed, her bright face instantly turning Rarity’s heart into this little puddle of jelly…
Rarity frowned at that mental image. Hopefully not literally, given the circumstances.
Sweetie gave of a frown of her own at seeing her sister’s. “...You want me to go get Twilight or Zecora?” She poked Rarity’s plastic hide for emphasis. “No offence, sis…. but you kinda look like a giant foal’s toy at the moment. I think it might cause a bit of a stir, even for Ponyville.”
Rarity just had to snicker at that mental image. Even with the Elements in the mix, what foal would want a toy that looked like her? The fashionista could just imagine the riveting concept of a Rarity Bell action figure with kung-foo grip…
Like that would ever sell!
The ludicrous notion made the real Rarity got a grip of the normal kind, however. “No worry, Sweetie.” She gently pushed Sweetie away and got on her hooves. “I’ll just grab a cloak and…”
Sweetie gently pushed Rarity, making the grown mare slide over the tiles and into the wall with a not especially soft sound of impact. “Or how about I go get Twilight while you stay here and avoid any further potential for shenanigans?”
“...Have you been spending time with Pinkie?” Rarity asked as she struggled to get on her hooves. With another loud squeal of plastic on tile she once more crashed down onto the cold floor. “...Forget it. You go get her.”
Now that it seemed her sister would be alright (even if shenanigans no doubt were ahoof) Sweetie’s mood was rising near exponentially. “Come on! Try a breaststroke! I know you can do it!” The widely grinning filly bounced outside the bathroom and started clapping her hooves excitedly. “Show that naughty, noughty floor who’s boss!”
Rarity rolled her eyes and floated over a towel. With it between herself and the floor she was soon off the treacherous porcelain surface.
“Hey, no fair!” Sweetie wined at her fun having been cut short.. She narrowed her eyes in mock rage and jabbed her hoof at her big sister. “Shame on you for using such dark and forbidden secrets like logic. What would the other Elements say if they saw you do that, huh?!”
Rarity bopped her sister lightly on the head as she passed by. “Cut it out. This day is probably going to be long enough as is…”
“Fine, fine…” Sweetie grumbled as she rubbed her head before falling in line with her sis.
Rarity headed to her work room. And unsurprisingly, it was a mess. There was fire retardant everywhere, there really wasn’t much left of the table let alone the book that had rested on it…
Rarity’s eye twitched.
...And the only bolt of cloth that seemed to have survived completely intact was the one least deserving. The bolt of the plaid of doom was seemingly not even singed.
Rarity quickly closed the door before she could start screaming.
Sweetie let out an embarrassed cough. “...Sorry.”
Rarity couldn’t quite bring herself to look at Sweetie while speaking, but she took several deep breaths and kept her cool. “...Sweetie, for the record that book was just a replica… but it could have been the only source of the counterspell. Just… keep that in mind if something like this happens again.”
Sweetie’s ears fell and her eyes got glued to the floor, but she gave a small, solemn nod.
Rarity gently lifted Sweetie’s head by the chin and gave her a encouraging pat on the cheek. “Just for the record. Don’t worry, we’ll fix this…”
Sweetie’s relieved smile was quickly replaced with a frown. “...And if not? No offence, sis… but you’re kinda the wrong type ofeye catching at the moment.”
Rarity let out a sigh and walked off to her bedroom.
Or more precisely, her closet.
Well, the primary closet at least. Warehouse #1 to #12 at the outskirts of Ponyville were practical, but hardly as easily accessible.
With a sigh Rarity floated out the ‘I've been turned into something ugly, woe is me!’ robe and started donning the black and covering garment. It was hardly subtle by normal standards, but most of Ponyville’s inhabitants had learned to just ignore anything that weirded them out but wasn’t outright hostile after the incident with Zecora.
Rarity turned to Sweetie. “So, everything covered?”
Sweetie was looking strangely at her sister. “...Rarity, your eyes are so shiny I can see them under the hood. It’s a bit… freaky.”
Rarity turned to the mirror she kept in the room. A black robe and something vaguely white and head shaped in the hood, just visible in the gloom…
Let’s just say our favorite fashionista didn’t exactly evoke images of Snuggles the Clown and leave it at that for now.
Rarity let out a sigh. “...This will end well.”
Still, Rarity conceded, she didn’t look like Rarity at the moment. With any luck the grim looking disguise would discourage any would be small talkers and similar…
Rarity pointed a hoof at Sweetie. “You stay here. The last thing we need is those three morons starting another panic with their ‘The horror!’ nonsense…”
“...Wait!” Sweetie exclaimed, before darting over to her room. She was back with in moments wearing a similar black robe of her own. She got up on her back legs and spread her forelegs in a ‘Tada!’ motion.
“...Why do you have a black robe just laying about?” Rarity asked in an incredulous voice.
“Just a prank...” A huge grin visible even under the hood split Sweetie’s face and she made her voice as gravely as possible. “I am the death of orifices, Diamond Tiara! Rejoice brief mortal, for a clerical error was performed by my minions!” Sweetie slowly raised her hoof, as if holding something large and heavy but currently invisible. “I have therefore come… to return your original nose to the land of the living!” The filly put the hoof to her mouth and snickered. “You should have seen how fast that chubby little spoiled daddy’s girl can gallop when she’s properly motivated!”
Rarity remembered hearing something a week or two ago about the school, a unregistered psychopomp and an emergency exorcism… but at the time she had chalked it up to just another day in the constant state of insanity that was Ponyville.
A smile twitched momentarily on Rarity’s lips. “...Sweetie, as a responsible adult I sadly have to say that that was very naughty of you and never to do something like that again…” Then she gave her little sis a wink.
The two sisters shared a laugh. Sweetie broke the moment first. Grinning wide, she gave a theatrical bow while gesturing towards the door. “Shall we perform our dark exodus and start on our hazardous journey, oh dark mistress of fashion passed but not yet reborn?”
Rarity bit back a snicker and instead straightened to her full height. “Indeed, my dread dastardly darling of a apprentice!” She shook her hoof towards the heavens. “Together, no force, no matter how fabulous may stop our nefarious plans!”
“Yes!” Sweetie exclaimed, completely into it. “The world of fashion called us mad. Mad! Oh how they laughed at us when we said robes would make a comeback… Well, who’s laughing now!?”
On cue, both sisters throw back their heads and laughed ‘evilly.’ Truth be told it sounded about as sinister as a rubber ducky… but it was the ‘evil’ thought that counted.
“Wow…” Rainbow said from the open window she’d been hovering near. Both Rarity and Sweetie near jumped out of their skins. “You two are such dorks.”
As one, both sisters turned and glared at the grinning pegasus. “Rainbow…” Rarity chided. “Is using the door really beyond even your manners?”
Rainbow just snorted and leaned in, elbows resting on the window sill. “Anyway… What’s up with the Death and her apprentice routine? Isn’t it a bit far to Nightmare Night for working on costumes?”
Rarity decided to risk it and beckoned her friend in. “You get your hooves on solid ground first and I’ll tell you.”
Rainbow raised a questioning eyebrow at her friend, but she squeezed in through the window without protest and landed. “Done. So…?”
Rarity throw her hood back. The only thing that fell faster than the bit of cloth was Rainbow’s jaw. Rarity couldn’t help but snicker. “I had a bit of a spell miscast last night and was just heading out to Twilight with Sweetie tagging along as moral support…”
Rainbow slowly made it over to Rarity, jaw still near dragging on the floor.
Carefully Rainbow gave Rarity a poke. “...You sure it isn’t just an illusion by somepony messing with you?”
Rarity daintily licked a hoof and rubbed at her own cheek. The resulting sound not only snapped Rainbow out of it, but made both the flesh and blood ponies present wince and clutch at their ears.
Rainbow made an exaggerated motion of cleaning out her ear. “...Was that really necessary, Rares?”
“Yes,” Rarity simple said. “You coming with us?”
Rainbow pointed a wingtip at the robes. “With you two looking like that? We’ll have ponies running around shouting ‘The horror!’ before we get four steps to the library…”
“Would you rather them panic over something silly that will fade as soon as we’re out of sight…” Rarity countered. “... or would you prefer rumors of some latex plague that will have them bring out the hazard suits and lock themselves indoors for a week… Again?”
Rainbow groaned and buried her head in her hooves. “...Sometimes, I just don’t get this town. We’re within spitting distance of the EverFree for Pete’s sake! Why does everypony panic as their default response?!”
Rarity and Sweetie both secretly agreed, but they moved instead to be on their way. “You coming or not?” Rarity asked instead.
Rainbow flashed them one of her grins. “You two walking straight through town like that? Wouldn’t miss it for the world!”
The odd looking group went on their way. ‘Sadly,’ it seemed as if the mass of neurotic ponies that calls Ponyville their home was having a good day. Rarity, Sweetie and Rainbow got a couple of odd looks, and a few that ended up downwind from Rarity wrinkled their noses to the fashionista's irritation…
But things were simply… strangely calm.
“...I’m so sorry, but if I don’t test this tip Pinkie gave me I’ll regret it,” Sweetie said before continuing in a more dramatic voice. “It’s quiet. Too quiet!”
Before either Rarity or Rainbow could chide Sweetie or even groan a orange blur came out off nowhere and crashed into Rarity.
With a involuntary huff from Rarity as she got the wind knocked out off her and a scream of “Run Rainbow! I’ll save you!” the pair crashed onto the ground.
The orange blur that turned out to be a enraged Scootaloo grabbed a hold of Rarity’s robe and started shaking her furiously. “I don’t care how many itty bitty pieces she ended up in to need two reapers, you are not getting Rainbow Dash!”
Rarity’s hood fell back as her head was shaken, making a decent amount of ponies just stop what they were doing and stare. Scootaloo was so into her ‘valiant sacrifice’ that she didn’t notice however until Rarity spoke. “...Scootaloo, it’s me.”
The fillies jaw fell almost to her navel once she realized who she’d been trying to beat up… and how the mare currently looked.. “...Wha…?”
Rarity let out a sigh. “I had a small magical accident and had hoped to get to Twilight for help without the whole town knowing…”
The words, as well as the barely restrained snickers from both Rainbow and Sweetie made Scootaloo blush so deep it was near crimson.
Rarity gently lifted the stunned filly off herself before rinsing and brushing herself off. Rarity took a moment to pet the protesting Scootaloo on the head before turning to her sister. “Sweetie, would you please fill your friend in while I go and hopefully get this fixed?”
Rainbow gave Scootaloo a pet on the head as she passed, making the filly beam. “That was brave kid… just check your target a bit better next time.”
Rarity lifted the hood over her face as she turned to Sweetie. “Twilight is probably going to prod me with every instrument she has for a couple of hours… Why don’t you two go and play instead?”
Sweetie hesitated. “...I guess…” She soon brightened up and turned to Scootaloo however. “Hey, I figured out how to set things on fire with my magic! We haven’t tried that!”
Scootaloo grinned wide. “That’s a great idea! Let’s go get Apple Bloom!”
The two stunned grownups watched in complete shock as the two fillies ran off.
The distant shout of “Cutie mark crusaders pyromancers, yay!” was soon interspaced with equally distant shouts of “The horror!”
“...Huh,” Rainbow managed after nearly five minutes of existential dread. “...Should we go stop them?”
Rarity shuddered. “I for one am in no rush to find out of my skin acts as plastic in more ways than the shine. Let’s go to Twilight. We can worry about how much of the town is left afterwards…”
“Normally I’d disagree with you…” Rainbow said in a calm voice as the two started walking again. “... but my house is made from clouds so I’ve got nothing to worry about!”
Rarity glared at her friend. “...Was that joke really necessary?”
“...Just trying to lighten the mood…” Rainbow shot back nonchalantly.
Rainbow and Rarity traveled the rest of the way in silence. They knocked and entered, making Twilight look up from the books she was ~~leering seductively at~~ sorting. “Hi, Rarity! Hi, Dash! What brings both of you over?”
Rarity saw no reason to beat around the bush. “I made a mistake and I need your help.”
Twilight visibly cringed. “...With the book I loaned you yesterday?”
“I swear, it isn’t that bad…” Rarity reassured her friend. “... but Sweetie saw me, overreacted and… Let’s just say I owe you a new copy.”
Twilight's ear flickered and her smile grew waxen at the thought of such a sweet girl having had committed bibliocide. “I seeeee…” She managed in a stiff voice, still twitching.
Not wanting a repeat of the ‘Want it, need it’ mess but with the power of a princess behind it, Rarity quickly swept her hood back as a distraction.
Twilight’s jaw fell. “...Wow. You don’t screw up spells by half measures, do you, Rarity?”
Rarity bit back a scathing remark, instead opting for just an irritated sigh as she took off her robe and hung it by the door. “Do you have another copy or not? I would like to be able to return to normal without it turning into a epic quest for once…”
Twilight trotted over and started prodding Rarity curiously. “...Well, if you’re lucky it should just go away. Most transformation spells have a time limit for just in case things like this…”
Rainbow couldn’t quite fight back a snicker. “Or you know, you could just find the nearest bar and enjoy yourself. Should be at least one freak around here into pretty pristine plastic pu-”
Rarity shoved a hoof into Rainbow’s mouth, making the pegasus splutter and gag at the taste of plastic. “Dash, a bit of decorum, please?”
Rainbow grumbled and went to wash the taste out off her mouth.
Twilight bit back a snicker, instead opting to cast a diagnostic spell.
Rarity decided from how the purple pegacorn’s face got carefully neutral that is hardly seemed like good tidings. “...Just say it, Twi.”
Twilight let out a awkward laugh. “...Well, good new, bad news…”
“Oh goody.” Rarity deadpanned.
Twilight rolled her eyes at her friend. “Fine, I’ll just say it. There is apparently a limit on the spell…”
Rarity brightened up.
“... and that limit is apparently one hundred and eight moons.” Twilight gave her now thoroughly shocked friend an apologetic smile. “Sorry, Rarity… It seems you… eh, have a talent for these sorts of spells…”
Rarity did the math in her head. “... Nine years?!” Rarity clutched her head in horror, trying to ignore the faint squeak when her hooves actually made contact. “I can’t stay like this for nine years! My carer might not survive a week!”
Twilight darted over and gave her friend a hug. “Calm down. I’ll just order another copy…”
Rarity returned the hug with a sigh. “...And that should take…?”
Twilight let out a awkward cough. “...Month or two.”
Rarity let out a groan and buried her head in her friend's shoulder.
“...Sorry, Rarity. It’s just not an easy book to get a hold of and getting another version might give us a slightly different take on the spell…”
The fashionista’s mind drifted to the dark stain in her workroom, making her wince at the thought of how much it might cost her both literally and figuratively. “...How rare are we talking about?”
“What? No, no, no!” Twilight quickly exclaimed. “Luna just offhoofedly mentioned in some interview that she thinks it is so much better than the Camel Sutra as a joke and near every darn supplier is sold out…” Twilight continued but with a mutter. “And I didn’t even get to read it properly myself…”
Rarity tried gritting her teeth… the resulting sound was so shrill it made the windows quake slightly and Twilight wince, so she quickly stopped. “Surely there must be some general counterspell or something we can try?”
“Fear not!” Pinkie shouted as she popped out off Twilight’s mane with a hoof held high in triumph. “I have a cunning plan!”
Both Twilight and Rarity looked at each other. Yup, another Pinkie moment. Best not to question for your sanity's sake…
“Yes, Pinkie?” Twilight politely asked as her friend climbed down and out off her mane.
Pinkie for her part let out a gasp and bounded over to Rarity. “Oh, shiny!”
“Pinkie, please focus…” Rarity said in an exasperated voice as the overexcited baker started prodding her in the chest.
“Hm? Oh right...” Pinkie waved a hoof waved a hoof towards the middle of the library. “This is screams weird enough to be worth using the Elements… So let’s just skip ahead to the end!”
For hardly the first time, Twilight doubted her friends sanity. “...Pinkie, we gave them up, remember?”
Pinkie tensed. “...We did?”
Both Rarity and Twilight shared a worried look.
Pinkie gave them an apologetic grin. Then she screamed like a banshee and jumped back into Twilight’s mane.
Rainbow chose that moment to walk back in on the two thoroughly confused ponies. “...Was that Pinkie screaming?”
The stunned duo nodded absently.
Rainbow let out a sigh and sat down. “Fair enough.”
Pinkie popped out of Rarity’s mane this time. She clapped her hooves with a huge grin on her face. “Sorry about that. I accidentally turned right in Albuquerque five months ago five seconds ago and that might have been a bit… bad.” Still standing in Twilight’s mane, she reached behind her back and pulled forth a glass display case she plumped down in the middle of the library. “Still, I borrowed these while I was then so let’s get cracking!”
The other girls jaws near fell clean off, as they behold the familiar glow of the Element of Harmony in their midst.
Twilight was the first to get her jaw working again. “...How…?”
Pinkie climbed down again and gave her friends a smile as she started counting on her hooves. “Pinkie owed Pinkie a favor, so I traded the favor Pinkie owed me to Pinkie who owed Pinkamena one for helping Pinkie help Pinkie for that one time with all the carnivorous limes, so we…”
Rainbow raised a hoof. “One-time time-travel shenanigans because you found a way to make it funny. Got it. What’s the… eh, time limit?”
Pinkie pouted at her rather prismatic friend. “Did you have to ruin the joke?” Pinkie held up all twelve of her current hooves. “I hadn’t even gotten to the bit with the custard and the croquet mallet yet!”
Rainbow just rolled her eyes. “Let’s cut the horse apples, go get AJ and Flutter and fix this before time-space crumbles like a wet tart.” Dash’s eye twitched. “Again.”
“Hey, let me!” Pinkie shouted and reached into Rainbow’s tail.
Her hoof came out holding the ear of what was clearly a Applejack.
The quite irritated nightmare pegacorn flared her dark orange wings and aimed both her green glowing horn and flashing green slitted eyes at the group. “WHO DARES DISTURB THE DARK QUEEN OF ALL ORCHARDS!?” Her golden ethereal mane flared dramatically, as her eyes actually focused on the room and group...
The AJ blinked once she actually had time to take the sight of a giggling Pinkie and the three other stunned friends of her’s nearby. “...Oh. Hi, girls.” She looked down on the tangled tail she was standing ‘in.’. “Oh right…. you guys told me about this.”
“Ix-nay!” Pinkie quickly chided before stuffing a cupcake from nowhere into the AJ’s mouth.
Princess Nightmare AJ rolled her eyes while chewing. “Please, as if anything I’d say would do anything but cause the scenarios I’ve already observed to come to pass…”
Pinkie bopped her on the nose, giggling. “It’s still kinda nasty to give the future away! Nopony likes spoilers.” Pinkie let out a gasp that was clearly fake. “There’s evil… and then there’s evil, you know!”
Nightmare AJ let out a chuckle. “Aint that a truth? You’ve gotta have some standards!” She tilted her hat at the others. The stetson was in pristine condition if enlarged to fit the princess sized mare’s larger head… but had seemingly been just as corrupted as its owner from how many shaded darker it had become. The hat was a brown so dark it was nearly black. “Well, this was fun… but I’ve got apples to buck, a farm to run and worldly nations to make bow down to me. Toodeloo, ladies!”
“You all could even say it’s goodbye...” Nightmare Applejack bit back a snicker, her eyes twinkling. “... for now.” Cackling like a madmare she faded back into the depths of Dash’s tail.
Gingerly, Rainbow poked her tail but felt only the usual hair and stuff. “...That was weird.”
Pinkie hummed before flashing another grin. “...Want me to try again?”
“NO!” The other mares screamed as one.
Pinkie just giggled at them in response.
An hour or two later and things were actually in motion.
Twilight, rightfully citing her expertise in all things magic was drawing some type of magic circle.
Rainbow had volunteered to go get the others, using her usual restraint in all things speed to do so.
Truth be told the last part hadn’t taken long, even for Rainbow. Luckily a few stares aside AJ and Fluttershy had understood that Rarity wasn’t in much of a mood for being gawked at and they had given her space as a result. The pair and Rainbow was currently checking out the library while Twilight finished up.
Rarity for her part had cited her lack of breakfast and was currently raiding Twilight’s fruit-bowl to compensate. She couldn’t quite put her hoof on why, but the nice juicy apple she’d settled for seemed… off, somehow. It was delicious and had smelled so nice, ripe and juice that Rarity had drooled over it from cleanly at the other side of the kitchen…
And yet, Rarity mused as she took another bite of the scrumptious fruit, it seemed just slightly… off. Was it her tastebuds? The liquid latex that currently somehow served as her spit?
It was annoying, but hardly life shattering.
Twilight came into the kitchen, wiping sweat from her brow. “Phu, now that was a decent ci-” Twilight did a double take at seeing Rarity.
“...What?” Rarity asked, taking another bite. “Surely you’ve seen me eat an apple before?”
Twilight let out a hum, still staring at the fruit. “True… but that isn’t a apple.”
Rarity hesitated, and held the thing she’d been happily chewing up to eye level.
That’s when she noticed the Made In Neighpon sticker on the bottom of the fake fruit.
Now that she looked closely, her bites had even revealed solid plastic in the decoration she’d been nibbling on. With a sigh Rarity put the thing down on the table. “...I shall never live today down, am I?”
Twilight bit back a giggle. “Probably not… but come now. The circles ready.”
Rarity followed her out. A circle more complicated than any Rarity had seen since her school days greeted her in the main room. Runes, circles within circles, lines of text in long forgotten tongues…
Rarity nodded approvingly. Now that looked like some serious mumbojumbo.
Twilight for her part bit back a sigh of irritation. You could get the same result with a shoestring, a hoola hoop and a jar of paint but noooooo… That didn’t look impressive or spooky enough…
Still, if it made her friends take the spell a bit more seriously it would be worth it.
“...Y'all sure this is a good idea?” Applejack asked while eyeing the pentagram suspiciously. “Couldn’t we… you know? Be the ones to ask the princesses for help for once? I think they’d understand given the circumstances…”
Fluttershy let out a quiet cough and blushed slightly. “...Do you want to be the one to tell them Rarity miscast something from a sex help book?”
Rarity let out a slow sigh. Here we go. so to speak. “It was literally research for my work, darling…”
Rainbow barely fought back a giggle. “Riiiiiiiiiiight… and I’m sure you only read it for the articles as well!”
Rarity shot the pegasus a scathing look. “Dashie dear… please shut up. I’m not in the mood.”
Rainbow’s near not only atrophied but outright gangrenous survival instinct was still enough to pick up the tell tale signs of a unicorn so stressed out she was near going postal. Flickering ears, shifty eyes, a tail that simply would not stay still, a horn wrathed in arcane if not outright eldritch energies no mare was ever meant to call - Let alone command! - dancing up and down its length like bees that had escaped their glass hive to consume all within sight…
Small and subtle stuff like that.
Rarity let out a small sigh of relief as Rainbow shut her gob.
The other mares, noticing their friends mental state, quickly followed Twilight’s instructions and taking a place each on the points of the five pointed star that made up the bulk of the pentagram.
With a gulp Rarity climbed into the middle of it all. “...You sure about this, Twilight?”
Twilight just waved her friends fears off. “Please, as if any of us would have even time to cool before Luna or Celestia or Discord or Cadance or all of them pulled some ‘forbidden magic no mare was ever meant to know’ out of their plots to save us…”
AJ gave her magic obsessed pegacorn friend a weary look. “...Does this have anything with those samples of heart-blood you needed a couple of months ago you said were for research purposes?”
Twilight snickered. “You never asked what I was researching!” Twilight clapped her hooves together excitedly with a huge grin. “I’m now ninety eight point five percent certain I could bring you all back with just a few tiny side-effects!”
The five other mares exchanged glances.
Applejack let out a sigh. “What type of side effects?”
“...Well, you’d have to die for any of them to work. That’s kinda a big one…” Twilight let out a cough, as she realized she might have gotten a bit carried away in not actually asking outright for her friends permissions. “...And a few insignificant aesthetic downsides…”
Rainbow raised a hoof, suddenly interested. “Just how dead are we talking here? Because I’ve got a few stunts I’ve been meaning to try that won’t leave much more than jelly if they go wrong…”
Rarity piped up. “And just what ‘insignificant aesthetic downsides’ are there…?”
Twilight hushed them all before prying open a floorboard with her magic. Underneath an open metal container laid, with eleven brightly glowing crystals in turn laying on a bit of black felt.
Each and every crystal pulsed slightly, as if mimicking living hearts...
Rarity let out a shocked gasp. “Phylacteries?! You’ve made us all into liches just waiting for something to knock us down hard enough to be fatal?!”
The shocked silence… lasted roughly five seconds. Then Rarity grinned, near swooning with her hooves tucked in under her chin. “Oh, darling! You shouldn’t have! I’ve wanted one of these since I was just a filly!”
Fluttershy umed and raised a hoof. “...Only me that’s a bit disturbed with the notion of turning into some type of undead horror? Just me?”
AJ,stroked her chin. “...I don’t know. Kinda beats the alternative.”
Pinkie bounded over and petted Fluttershy encouragingly on the shoulder. “Chin up, Fluttershy! Just imagine how much closer you’ll be with all your little insect buddies!”
The butter yellow pegasus shone up a bit. “...That’s true.”
Rarity gave Twilight a smile. “I’m so glad! From how hush-hush you were being I thought it might be something morally questionable!”
AJ went a bit glassy eyed and shivered. “Like… accounting!”
Pinkie hesitated. “...Eh, I don’t know girls. It still sounds a bit… weird and unnatural to me. What about the whole slowly rotting thing?”
Twilight bit back a snicker, instead leaning forward and whispering conspiratorially. “Pinkie, answer one question for me, please?”
“...Sure?”
“When was the last time you saw a old unicorn?” Twilight snickered. “Think about it.”
Pinkie’s mouth turned into a little O of understanding.
Twilight mimed sipping her lips closed. “Don’t spread it around. Anypony dumb enough to not be able to figure out that magic is kinda overpowered on their own... isn’t the type of fool you want to spend eternity with.”
The group nodded grimly as Twilight replaced the floorboard. The thought of spending any more time on the same plane of existence as, just for example, Snip and Snails, wasn’t exactly a pleasant one.
Rainbow butted in. “As somepony that has, do to work, dabbled in the dark arts of arithmetics…” AJ gave her friend a worried look. “... why eleven?”
“Us, Spike, Luna, Celestia, Cadance and my BBBFF.” Twilight plainly stated. “I’m not taking any chances with any of you.”
Twilight blushed slightly at the groups collective daww at hearing her statement.
Rarity got taken out off the moment by the now almost familiar creasing of her cheeks when she smiled. She most certainly didn’t want it to go so far as to become familiar, so… “...Can we please get one with the spell?”
The other mares nodded and retook their positions.
Rarity had to admit… she was a bit nervous. Her eyes kept flickering to Twilight. True, it had been on the whole a glorious day the last time they used the Elements on one of their own...
Eventually.
Thinking you’ve annihilated one of your friends and one of the ancient artifacts that has again and again saved the world… Kinda puts a damper on your mood.
Of course, as she glanced at Twilight she couldn’t help linger on what had been gained that day and well… Hope springs eternal, does it not?
Rarity couldn’t help herself and lifted a plastic hoof to stare at it. Although if her ascension ended up being a direct result of freaking this… Well, a certain part of the official biographies of Rarity Bell, the Princess of Fabulousness would be just a smidgen… downplayed.
The fashionista did her best not to fidget as the Elements lit up. Their eyes shot open, blinding white light spilling out.
“I am assuming direct control.” Pinkie spoke in a deep, echoing voice. “We are the Harbinger of your perfection.”
Fluttershy glared at her, the angry look somehow piercing the light. “Did you have to make that joke? I’d almost forgotten that darn series!”
As one, the other mares stared at Fluttershy.
Pinkie blinked. “...This hurts you?”
“Darn right that darn bucking ending did!” Fluttershy sucked in an angry breath, trying to calm herself. “So much bucking wasted potential…” She finished with a mutter.
She blinked at the stares she was getting. “...What? I don’t feed animals and shovel crap all day. A mare needs a hobby.”
AJ raised an eyebrow at her. “...I thought you knitted?”
Fluttershy shrugged. “I fail to see why I can’t have more than one…”
“Girls!” Twilight snapped, narrowing her glowing eyes at the group. “This is hard enough as is. A bit of focus, please?”
The group grumbled, but did their best to focus on serving as overglorified magic batteries.
Rarity for her part with the added mission critical objective of ‘target #1’ was getting a distinct deer in the headlights feeling.
One the plus, it seemed to be at the end of a distinctly plastic smelling tunnel…
“...Oops,” Twilight said in a small voice as her recent growth spurt resulted in a new problem. As the group watched with dread the tiara that hadn’t been refitted slowly slid off her head mid spell.
Rarity was certain she heard the whistle of a train just before the rogue spell hit her head on.
For a moment as the beam of rainbows hit her, up was Wednesday, left was purple, down was fudge and left the End of All Things. Rarity heard golden silences exploding, saw spirals of strawberry flavor dancing, tasted the bitter blue of eternity, smelled the smooth glory of unmade lotuses and felt frozen heat ascend against her skin.
It was, Rarity decided, the second best trip she’d ever had.
A figure materialized out off the swirling tastes, delicious colors and flashing sounds. Time seemed to congeal to a complete standstill. At first, Rarity thought it was Sweetie back from her latest crusade…
Then the princess sized figure came closer and she noticed the wing slits with bony wings sticking out of them.
The Grim Trotter folded his hood back with a sigh, revealing a smooth, horned skull. He took a long, long look at the current tableau before him before letting out a intrigued hum. “...I WILL ADMIT, I DON’T THINK I’VE SEEN THIS ONE BEFORE. CONGRATULATIONS, KID. NOT MANY MANAGES TO SURPRISE ME.”
Rarity tried to put her considerable amount of charm into overdrive, but she found that she couldn’t as much as twitch a muscle.
The Grim Trotter walked up and waved a bony hoof in front of her face. “...HALLO? NO POINT IN PLAYING POSSUM, MISS RARITY. POINTS ONCE MORE FOR ORIGINALITY BUT IT’S KINDA MY JOB TO KNOW WHEN SOMEPONY IS REALLY DEAD OR NOT…”
Rarity, using near all her willpower, barely managed to let out muffled if nonverbal protest.
Death blinked, the blue pinprick lights in his eye sockets momentarily winking out. “... OH!”
He reached into his sleeve and brought forth a hourglass. If Rarity had been breathing at the moment, it would have stolen it away. The case was the purest alabaster, carved by a master of the craft. Instead of glass two sapphires the same cut as the ones on her cutie mark had been hollowed and somehow joined as one at the points.
Death poked the beautiful thing so carefully it was nearly reverent a few times, before nodding to himself at what he saw . It was only then Rarity noticed it wasn’t filled with sand, but rather these sparks of what looked like her magic.
...And the glittering blue sparks were flowing down and up.
“THOUGHT SO…” The Grim Reaper nodded towards the fashionista as he put the sand-glass back. “ALTHOUGH, THAT SHOULD HAVE CLUED ME IN SOONER…”
Rarity followed his ‘eyes’ down, seeing a something that almost looked like a chain of brilliant blue light that flowed from her chest to under the floor.
Death walked a bit further up and patted her gently on the back. It seemed a bit nonsensical, but Rarity swore the skull headed stallion was grinning at her. “GOOD FOR YOU, MISS RARITY! IF ONLY ALL PONIES HAD THE SAME FORESIGHT MY JOB WOULD BE A LOT LESS DEPRESSING AND EASIER!”
Death rummaged around inside his robe, pulling out a clipboard and a pen. He levitated it up in front of himself and drew a line over something Rarity couldn’t quite make out while humming a cheery tone. “I WAS NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS REPORT OR ESCORT AS WELL… SO, BONUS!”
The reaper replaced the clipboard and pen, instead pulling out two small cards, a stamp and a party horn.
He put the last to where the lips on a normal stallion and blew it. The black party horn with white cartoon skulls let out a sharp bleat as it unfolded. “HAPPY FIRST DEATH, MISS RARITY!” Death blew his grim instrument of celebration once more. “AND HERE’S HOPING FOR MANY, MANY MORE!”
Rarity wasn’t quite sure how to feel about this situation or that wish, but manners got the better of her and she mumbled out a thank you through her uncooperative lips.
Death looked a bit puzzled at her as he stuffed the party horn back into the folds of his robe. “...OH RIGHT, RIGOR VITAE. HAVEN’T SEEN THAT IN A WHILE…” Once more, his skull gave off the strange impression of a smile. “DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT. IT HAPPENS SOMETIMES TO UNDEAD. IT’S JUST THE STILL LIVING BITS OF YOU NOT BEING ABLE TO ENTER THE REALM OF THE DEAD... BUT STILL BEING A PART OF THE DEAD BITS. COMPLETELY NORMAL, NOTHING TO BE WORRIED OR ASHAMED OF…”
Death trotted over to Rarity’s robe, pausing as he took in what kind of garment it actually was. “...MY, AND THE LADY EVEN HAS GOOD TASTE…” He mumbled, as he ran a hoof along the black silk. “… IN STYLE AS WELL AS MATERIALS IT WOULD SEEM.”
He flashed another grin towards the paralyzed, if blushing, fashionista. “I USUALLY DON’T DO THIS KIND OF THINGS WHILE AT WORK, BUT…” He pulled out his pen and scribbled something on one of the cards, before sliding it into a pocket on Rarity’s robe and winking at her. “YOU JUST GIVE ME A CALL IF YOU WANT A DATE UNLIKE ANY OTHER, YOU HEAR? I’VE ALWAYS GOT TIME FOR PRETTY MARE’S WITH A GOOD TASTE FOR THE FINER THINGS IN LIFE…” He winked again, the ‘eye’ near sparkling with humor. “...OR AFTERLIFE, AS THE CASE MAY BE!”
He chuckled as Rarity’s cheeks near caught on fire. “STILL, TO CONCLUDE OUR CURRENT BUSINESS…” He put the other card against a wall and stamped it before sliding it into the same pocket as the other one and putting away the stamp. “DETAILS ARE ON THE CARD, BUT EVERY TENTH DEATH YOU GET A FREE ENLIGHTENMENT OF YOUR CHOICE, ASCENSION SO WE DON’T HAVE TO CONTINUE MEETING LIKE THIS OR A ONE WEEK TRIP TO BERMUDA!”
The reaper put a hoof to his skull and whispered conspiratorially. “JUST BETWEEN THE TWO OF US? DON’T TRY ANYTHING ‘CLEVER’ WITH IT.” Death shuddered. “THE MANAGEMENT DOESN’T MIND REPEAT CUSTOMERS, BUT GETS A BIT… MIFFED WITH THE ONES THAT ARE CLEARLY ONLY AIMING FOR THE PROMOTIONS…”
The skeletal stallion brightened considerably. “STILL, YOU DON’T SEEM THE TYPE. THAT, AND THE ONES THAT STUPID ARE USUALLY EASY TO SPOT THANKS TO HOW YOU KEEP MEETING THEM NEXT TO THE SAME WOODCHIPPER, OR WHATEVER.” He gave Rarity a friendly wave as he started to fade into the shadows. “JUST SAYING IT FOR THE RECORD, DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT. JUST MAKE SURE YOU DO YOUR BEST IN BETWEEN ‘MEETINGS’ AND MANAGEMENT USUALLY LOOK BETWEEN THEIR VARIOUS APPENDAGES WITH PRETTY MUCH ANYTHING. THEY’RE GOOD SORTS LIKE THAT.”
Rarity felt… confused. Still, once more manners came to her rescue. It took considerable effort but she managed a slow smile and a wave. Both tiny enough that it was doubtful most would have spotted either, but it was the thought that counted.
Surprise, surprise, The Grim Trotter was hardly like most. “MY, AND SO POLITE AS WELL… IF ONLY ALL MY TASKS WERE THIS PLEASANT! MAY WE MEET AGAIN, BUT HOPEFULLY OFF THE CLOCK!” The stallion gave a deep bow. “IT WAS A PLEASURE, M'LADY. UNTIL, AND IF, WE MEET AGAIN.”
Death let out a merry laugh as the dark claimed him.
But before he could fade completely, he tilted his head and added: “OH, AND THIS MIGHT STING. DON’T WORRY, IT SHOULD BE QUICK.”
Normally came rushing back. Unprepared, Rarity crashed to the floor.
“Rarity!” The group shouted and rushed over.
Applejack got there first. With worry in her eyes she asked: “...You alright, sugar?”
Rarity felt… strangely OK, actually. Her pulse was so high she absently wondered if her death was meant to have been from heart failure or something and her heart was in her throat, but other than that…
Rarity opened her mouth to say so, but…
*Buuurrrrrrp~!*
Rarity blushed at the sound that had ripped itself out off her throat and showed both fronthooves on top of her mouth.
The other mares let out nervous giggles.
With a sudden jab of pain, Rarity fell to her stomach groaning. “Get a- *Burp!* aw- *Burp! -ay!”
The group hesitated.
Rarity felt… there really was only one word for it.
Bloated.
It was as if something was filling her up. All of her.
It happened disturbingly quickly after that. Her limbs stiffened and swelled, her belly expanded until the skin creaked, and then…
Just as Death had said, there was surprisingly little pain. Just a loud pop, a brief but mercifully short burst of pain, a flash of bright magic that seemed to come from within herand then Rarity found herself blinking awake once more.
“...Freakin ow…” Was all that came to mind for Rarity to say, as she came to.
...The world was upside down. And white confetti was raining down, most pieces no larger than a stamp.
Rarity tried to move and pull her horn out of the floor, but nothing beneath her neck would actually respond.
Only when a especially big piece of ‘confetti’ with half a blue sapphire on it sagged down onto the floor under her, did she get what had happened.
“...Oh my,” was really all that came to mind as she stared ‘up’ at the bit of her own cutie mark. ‘Luckily’ it seemed the spell had failed by pushing her transformation further, if in the opposite direction desired. There wasn’t any blood or similar. Even the bit of her cutie mark just looked more like a popped balloon than flesh or similar.
“...Rarity,” Twilight asked in a very careful voice. “...How are you feeling?”
Rarity decided that where muscle had failed, magic would simply have to suffice and levitated herself up.
It was disturbingly easy. Both the spell and figuring out why as she saw the white ‘rain’ continue. With a plop and her vision turned slightly blue Rarity’s head floated to… well, roughly head height and righted itself. “...Well, once more I’m quite glad to be a unicorn. I shall say that much.”
“...Yes! The phylacteries work! Who’s the best! I’m the b-” Twilight shouted excitedly… only to add a few seconds later in a sheepish voice: “...And that they were needed is of course terrible. Just terrible.”
Rarity couldn’t help herself and let out a giggle that almost broke her concentration. Rainbow rushed over and cradled her in her forelegs.
Rarity smiled up at the teary-eyed pegasus. “Thank you, dear.”
Rainbow let out a sniffle, but she gave the fashionista a relieved smile as well.
Rarity took the moment to look at her own nose. Her still shiny nose. “...And still plastic. Marvelous.”
Rainbow was just about to say something, when she let out a startled cry and throw Rarity away.
Rarity let out a startled scream but managed to recast her levitation just a hair's breadth away from smacking into the door. Snarling, she turned to Rainbow. “And just what is the b-”
The accusation died in her throat. It was most noticeable on Rainbow who was staring down at her hooves quickly turning shinier and shinier, but all her friends had seemingly been infected by the spell.
The group waited in tense silence as the infection finished, leaving them just as plastic as Rarity.
After near half an hour of dreading what might come next and with nothing to really do but watch the ‘debris’ settle and wait, the mares let out a collective sigh of relief. It seemed they had at least dodged the bullet Rarity hadn’t.
“Well, girls…” Applejack said sounding far cheerier than she really was in an attempt to lighten the mood. “That might have gone just a itty bitty bit better.”
Pinkie who had been testing her new condition by making faces at her reflection in the nearest window, suddenly tensed. “Uh, girls?” She pointed outside. “We might have a problem here…”
Rarity just drifted groaning to the floor, not needing to see how all the inhabitants of Ponyville had become infected from the hubbub they were currently causing about it.
“I don’t care where it goes at the moment,” The plastic disembodied undead head of Rarity muttered as it settled on the floor. “I need a freaking drink.”
Author's Note
...I swear I didn't intend for so much of the humor in this chapter to be so morbid.
I also swear I don't have a still talking disembodied heads fetish. The concept just keep showing up in my fics recently. I'm sure Freud would have a field day.
I hope the mood-whiplash was light and in character enough to deal with... but without the Sweetie scene and the death scene this fic wouldn't be longer then this chapter. "And then Rarity cast the counterspell and was normal without any long term consequences within the hour" just doesn't have the same swung to it. Lesser evils, and all that.
As always, please give any feedback you can think of.
