What makes a mare?

by QueenOfTheSilence

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random
Length: 4221

All Rainbow Dash wanted to do was pick up her birth certificate from her parents, she didn't realize it would cause her world to come crashing down.

All Rainbow Dash wanted to do was pick up her birth certificate from her parents, she didn't realize it would cause her world to come crashing down.

A random crack fic created for the lols.

~

The name Lesbian Carriagewasher (Lesbian Carwash in the episode, but no cars exist in Equestria so yeah) came from an episode of MLP: The mentally advanced series by FlimFlamFilosophy, which inspired me to make this fic, Also I will probably get around to spell checking it…sometime in the future.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-16 18:17:08 UTC

Chapter 1

She couldn't even begin to comprehend the new information she had just learned. At first she had though it was some twisted prank, only to realize from staring into the worn and wearied eyes of her parents, that was indeed true. She grit her teeth in anger and banged her hoof on the table before her, causing the half empty cups of tea to leap in the air a few inches before clattering against the worn oak table. "Why?" was all she could say, turning to the mare, her mother. Aurora Skies bit her lip to keep her tears at bay. "We never meant to hurt you" she said, her voice hoarse. Rainbow Dash snarled and slammed the table again, this time causing her cup to fall over. The usual confident Aurora Skies trembled and cowered as she cleaned up the spilt tea. The male in the trio, Strong Back, and father to the Element of Loyalty, sent his daughter a glare. "We understand your angry, but you don't need to make a mess" he said in a stern voice. Rainbow Dash felt tears well up in her eyes which was a sight for her parents to see. Even during infancy and her childhood their daughter rarely cried, preferring to use her ear shattering screams to get attention. "I just want to know why" she said hugging her self.

Strong Back sighed and got up from the table before walking over to his daughter and sitting next to her. "Most parents usually have a name decided for their child before they are born, but with your mother and I having such conflicting personalities, we couldn't agree on a name. We tried desperately to pick out a name for you, but the only thing we could agree on was your middle name, Rainbow Dash" the stallion stopped and sighed while he ran a hoof through his rainbow colored mane. "When the time came to take you home from the, we still didn't have a name so the nurses sent us with some forms to fill out when we finally agreed on a name" Rainbow Dash frowned. "I didn't know you could leave before getting me you know registered or something" Aurora Skies interjected. "Oh you can, Equestria law dictates that all active parents have up to six weeks to decide on a name." Strongback nodded and continued on. "So anyway, after your first week at home, we barely had time to think and take care of your selves, so one night after putting you down for bed we decided to unwind" Rainbow felt her anger deepen. "You were drunk during this? she half asked, half snarled" Aurora gave her daughter a sad smile. "We would have never of done what we had if we were sober".

The cyan Pegasus ruffled her feathers before nodding to continue "So after a bottle of wine and a few or more shots of tequila, your mother and I began to discuss baby names for you, and being drunk, our....common sense and decency went out the window. We began joking around  about the strangest and funniest names we could give you, when after poking fun and joking about your father being... you know, because of his mane, we came up with your name. We spent a good half hour laughing,   before your father suggested we go a head and fill out the forms. And, again, being drunk, I agreed. So we filled them out, signed it then left the house in the dead of night to shoved them in the mail box" Aurora reached for her daughters hoof across the table, gripping it between her own. "We forgot about submitting the forms until a few weeks later when your birth certificate arrived in the mail. We wanted to change your name, but we were poor at the time and name change fees were steep for us. So we decided to call you by your middle name" Rainbow Dash let out a choked sob and let her tears spill from her eyes.

"Do you realize what will happen if any one learns my real name" she whispered. Stongback hugged his daughter. " We know and we are sorry" Aurora got up and joined the hug, where they stayed for a good ten minutes before Rainbow Dash broke away, "I-I gotta go" As she got up to leave she heard a rustle of paler, turning around she saw her mother had a paper between her hooves. "Take it. That's why you came didn't you?" You came to get your birth certificate so you could apply to the Wonderbolt Academy" The young Pegasus stared at it for a moment before accepting the paper. She didn't look back as she ran from her parents cloud house and from Cloudsdale. When she got home, she collapsed on her bed and cried her self to sleep.

-

She knew her friends would laugh or think she was pulling a prank, but she needed to tell them. They were her friends, and she needed some pony to lean on. Sighing, she took in the faces of the six faces before her. ''So, you had big news?" spoke up the baby Dragon. Rainbow Dash sighed again, which worried her friends, and reached into her saddle bag and pulling out her birth certificate and placing it on the table before her friends. "My name isn't really Rainbow Dash" she said looking away, not seeing the looks of confusion, horror and laughter appear on the faces of the group. AppkeJack bit her lip in an attempt to quel her laughter. "Let me get this straight Sugarcube, your name is Lesbian Carriagewasher?" All the way in Canterlot, in a hidden room buried deep in the royal castle, Celestia, watching her most trustful student and friends from her room of endless stars and projected monitors, broke down laughing. Hours later, the royal guard would find her there, still laughing.

Chapter 2

It took nearly an hour to calm and convince her friends that she wasn't lying about her namesake. After realizing she was telling the true, the group of friends felt guilty over laughing. "I just want to what were your parents thinking darling" said Rarity, who felt the most sympathy for the pegasus. A girls name sake was her life and a name like Lesbian CarriageWasher would most likely ruin

Rainbow Dash's chances of becoming a Wonderbolt. "Like I said, they were drunk" said Rainbow Dash, staring at her hooves.

"Look, Sugarcube I feel for ya. But look on the bright side, at least you can get it changed" said the orange earth pony. "True, I mean I probably should. I don't think I really want to send in my birth certificate with my Wonderbolt application forms right now" Rainbow dash sighed. "But I though you were going after your dream!" spoke up Twilight. "Yeah I am, just not now... besides the academy opens enrollment every six weeks, so It's not like it's my only chance to apply. "Um.. Are you sure?" said Fluttershy softly, looking at her friend with concern and sympathy. Rainbow Dash waved her off. "Yeah don't worry" Twilight Sparkle glanced at the clock which read four-thirty PM.

"You'd probably should get to town hall before it closes, the secretary has forms for things like this. Nodding in agreement, the pegasus got up and hugged each off her friends before dashing through the doors of the library. The friends stood there quietly for a few moments before breaking into laughter once more. All but Spike that is. He frowned and tilted his head to the side. "Hey Twilight, what's a lesbian?" The laughing merely increased as the others watched Twilight become flustered. She sighed bit her lip gently, cursing that the day had finally come for 'the talk'. "Well Spike....."

~

The cyan pegasus flew threw the town of Ponyville before stopping in front of townhall. She scrunched up her muzzle and slowly made her way to the doors of the building. The large metal doors with their intricate designs creaked from age as she pushed open the door. The inside of Town hall, at least the part most ponies saw, was nothing special. The front part, which served as a waiting area was just as worn as the doors. It was also bare only having a few couches, stained and ripped in places, a secretary’s desk and a few half dead plants here and there.

Letting the door slam behind her she made her way to the desk. The secretary  behind the desk, a earth pony with grey fur and soft blue hair, looked bored and tired. "Business?" sh asked in a monotone voice, pulling out her half empty bottle of whisky and sipping it. "I need forms to apply for a name change" As she spoke to the secretary, she glanced around to see if anyone was listening. She really didn't want to explain to people exactly why she was getting a name change. The only person other then her and sharp Quill (which she learned from reading the mares name tag) were a mother and her son, and a balding stallion who was snoring loudly on one of the couches. Rainbow Dash had a feeling he was a hobo.

The earth pony sighed and scrounged around for a few moments before pulling out a few sheets and handing them to her. "All ponies apply for a name change must include a birth certificate, your social insurance card and your photo ID. All applicants must have two witnesses sign off at the bottom. They may not be parents or relatives." Rainbow frowned. "That's it?" she asked, speed reading the forms. The grey mare nodded, now chugging back the bottle of whisky. "Okay, thanks" she said turning to leave. At least this nightmare would be over soon

As she made her way to the exit, the doors opened and in stepped a familiar mint green unicorn. The unicorn gave her a look of sympathy. "Twilight told me I could find you here" she said softly. Rainbow Dash frowned. "Why did you need to find me?" She asked, flapping her wings in habit. "Well, I thought I'd warn you about the party" Rainbow froze. "Wh-What party?" she asked, afraid to ask. She had a feeling she knew where this was going. "Pin-"

The doors burst open again and in hopped Pinkie Pie, who was covered in streamers. "There's the VIP guest!" exclaimed the pink mare. "What. Party. Lyra?" Rainbow asked through clenched teeth. "The 'RAINBOW-DASH-IS-REALLY-LESBIAN-CARRIAGEWASHER-AND-WE-SHOULD-THROW-HER-A-PARTY' party" said Pinkie Pie, beating Lyra to the punch. "HOW MANY PEOPLE KNOW!?!?" asked Rainbow, running up to Lyra and shaking her.  The unicorn hesitated for a second. "Everyone"

~

The screams of the cyan pegasus could be heard all the way in Canterlot. Celestia, raiser of the sun and

protector of all ponies giggled and made her way from her spying room. The alicorn made her way to her sister's chambers, only stopping briefly to address a guard. "Have Silver Ark brought to my chambers later. Tell him I need to have a name on the plaque dedicated to the elements of harmony changed" Celestia let out a giggle. She just couldn't wait to tell LuLu.

Chapter 3

This couldn't be happening, this just couldn't. "Why Pinkie? WHY!?" screamed Les....Rainbow Dash. "Because your my super best friend and I thought to my self: CarriageWasher totally needs a party so she can meet everyone in town!" The pink pony took a kazoo out of her mane and blew it. "I already know everyone! Everyone knows me, I'm Rainbow Dash!" Pinkie rolled her eyes. "No silly! They need to meet the real you!" Rainbow Dash eyed Pinkie Pie's face, considering whether or not to hit her. Lyra gave yet another look of sympathy and trotted over to CarriageDash's side. "Just ignore her, besides it can't be that bad!" stated the unicorn.

The pegasus glared. "Yeah maybe if my parents named me Bob or Betilda but they didn't. They named me Lesbian CarriageWasher. That's not even a name!" Pinkie Pie rolled her eyes and grabbed Rainbow in a hug. "Don't worry SBFF (Super Best Friend Forever) everyone will love the new you!" with that Pinkie Pie left, skipping as she did. Tears began spilling down the Pegasus's face. "Hey, it'll be okay" Lyra wrapped a hoof around Rainbow, and pulled her in to a hug. The Pegasus let out a sob and buried her face into the other mares fur. "That's a good girl..." said Lyra licking her lips. Rainbow looked up and cautiously took a step away. "Uh what?"

~

"...And then she tried to kiss me! Kiss me!" Twilight rubbed her eyes, tired from lack of sleep. She had spent last night "reading" till the early hours of the morning. "I mean I thought she was with Bon-Bon! Seriously only a few hours, and now everyone probably thinks I'm an actual lesbian. It's flight school all over again." Lesbian DashWasher sighed and took a bite of her cake. "Well actually darling, I'd hate to gossip but I've heard your not the first to be hit on by Lyra. Apparently she and Bon-Bon have a threesome fetish or something" spoke up Rarity. Rainbow Dash facehooved herself. "Great, just my luck." Rarity patted Rainbows other hoof. "Don't worry, we are all here for you." Just then the door to the library opened and in stepped a mare and what appeared to be her husband. Or boyfriend. Whatever.

The couple took one look at the cyan Pegasus and turned on their heels and left faster then they came in. "Well, everyone else will be here for you" stated Rarity, getting up to leave. "What in Celestia's beard do you mean?" exclaimed Rainbow Dash. Rarity squirmed for a second. "Well I can't let my reputation be tarnished. If we are seen together people would think I was a Lesbian as well. My entire life as a fashion designer would be over. No decent stallion would marry me!" With that she ran to the upper floor of the library and jumped out the window. Rainbow Dash glanced at the rest of her friends. "Really? Really?!? Well I suppose friendship really isn't magic after all." Rainbow sighed again and licked her now empty plate. "Don't worry Sugarcube, we'll stick by ya." said Applejack. "Thanks guys, It's good to  see you care so much about me that you wouldn't let a few rumors tarnish our friendship." Fluttershy shook her head. "Oh no, we just want to make sure we still have someone to pay our tab on Karaoke night." The others nodded in agreement. "Eh, close enough I suppose"

--

Lesbian CarriageWasher was at her wits end. She had lost count of how many times somepony had ran up to her and yelled at her for "sinning" in the name of Jesus Crust, the one true pizza messiah. She really couldn't understand why people made a big deal about her liking anchovies on a pizza. After all, its not like she went up to them and insulted them for liking thin crust over thick. Sighing for the tenth time today, the cyan Pegasus made her way slowly down the main street of Ponyville, munching on her anchovy pizza, earning death glares from passing pedestrians."Damn bigots" She mumbled. Just then Punkie Pie appeared out of nowhere. "There's the girl of the hour! Ready for your coming out party tonight?" Asked the pink mare, running around in circles, attempting to catch her tail, "I'm not a lesbian!" scream Lesbian, smacking Pinkie Pie in the face. "Its okay Dashie! People are not as homophobic as you think. Love and tolerate!" CarriageWasher frowned. "People?" She asked confused. Pinkie rolled her eyes again and before answering the question, ran off. "Whatever, I just can't wait to get home and fill out those forms." Just then the a scream rang through the air behind the pegasus. Turning around, at the end of the street stood a pony in ragged robes. He had long brown hair and a long brown beard with bits of pepperoni stuck in it. "Shun the sinner in the name of Jesus Crust!" The hobo looking stallion pointed at her, which made ponies stop and look. "Shit" was all she could think of.

-

When Rainbow Dash finally got home, which was a good two hours later, the mare walked through the door of her cloud house covered in sauce, pepperoni and cheese. After the stallion, (who she later came to know as Saint Pepperoni, one of Jesus Crust's disciples) confronted her, he managed to convince passing ponies to help him cleanse her in the name of... You guessed it, Jesus Crust. They then dragged her to cave where they marinated her in sauce and threw cheese and pepperoni on her. It was only after lying about being "saved" was she allowed to leave. Lesbian walked across the threshold of her house and into the kitchen. Opening the fridge, she took out a jar of anchovies and began eating dipping them in her sauce. The sauce she was covered in that is. After she had ate and rolled around on her cloud carpet to remove the remaining sauce and food bits, the mare made her way to her study.

Sitting down, she rummaged around for her name change application. After a few minutes of looking the Pegasus stopped and frowned. She was positive that she had left them in her desk. Maybe she left them in the living room? Grabbing her photo ID and social insurance cars, she made her way to the living room. Distracted, she did not see the book on the floor. She tripped and the cards in her mouth went flying, landing in the conveniently lit fireplace that the Pegasus didn't remember lighting.

Today was not a good day to be Rainbow Dash.

-

Celestia stared at the plaque in front of her. To her left stood a laughing Princess Luna, and on her right stood Silver Arch, a unicorn with white fur and silver mane. "Is the plaque adequate my liege?" Celestia grinned and turned to her sister. "What do you think sister"? Luna could barely nod as she continued to laugh like a drunk hyena. "I do not laugh like a drunk hyena!" said Luna, waving her hoof at me. Though she did. "Do not!" I laughed. "Do too!' While me and Luna argued, Celestia walked off with Silver Arch by herself. "Hey wait for me wench" said Luna running after her sister. Celestia did not hear her or register her. She was too busy planning. A party that is. "I think it"s time to throw a party in honor of the element bearers" And with that she walked off and began laughing manically.

Chapter 4

Are thou sure you want to host a party?" said Luna, trailing behind her sister. "I hear the

element of laughter is already hosting a party for loyalty." Celestia nodded. "While I would

probably gain a lot of attention attending a small local party, I really do want to honour the

elements...I also want to tell everypony in Equestria about Rainbow Dash." spoke the sun

demigod. Luna frowned. "Why does thou care what her name is?" Celestia smiled. "Because it's

funny and the author enjoys writing us completely out of character." Celestia was right, I

did enjoy making her seem completely out of character and an asshole. "See sister?" The duo

trudged down the dark corridors of the palace. They spoke about little things like current

affairs and the upcoming party. Finally they parted ways, going towards their respective

chambers. As Luna reached her chamber doors she stopped to address a patrolling gaurd. "Have

the castle chef fetch me some McDonalds." The guard looked a little confused. "Isn't

McDonalds made of cows?" asked the guard hesitantly. Luna slapped him. "Cows are delicious!"

she yelled in her Royal Canterlot voice. And with that she walked away.

~

They were gone. GONE! Rainbow Dash tried to rescue her social isurence card and ID but they

had turned to ash. Actually now that she thought of it, they had burned like a piece of

paper. Her cards were made of plastic, which was strange because they should have melted. The

author then realized that the pegaus with the rainbow hair was on to her. "What?" Nothing

assured the author...Nothing at all...Anyway, Rainbow Dash was beyond livid, without two of

her forms of Identification she couldn't apply for a name change. She paled. Who knows how

long she would have to live as Lesbian CarriageWasher? Damn! This meant also postponing her

application to the Wonderbolts Academy as well. Sighing yet again, she decided that maybe it

would be best if she went to sleep. Besides, its not like she was going to go to that damn

party Pinkie Pie was hosting for her. Stretching, she trudged off to bed.

~~

She really should have seen it coming. After all she had know Pinkie Diane Pie for a little

over seven years. She should have expected her to kidnap her and drag her against her will to

a party she wanted nothing to do with. She should have also expected that half of the towns

male population to suggest she get "together" with a mare while they watched. She glanced

around the bakery at all the decorations. Two giant banners hung above the door of

the bakery. One read: Happy Coming Out! and the other read: Welcome Lesbian CarriageWasher!

Rainbow coloured streamers and balloons were all over the room, and in a corner there was a

table filled with rainbow coloured food. Lesbian trudged up to the food table and grabbed

tankard of Apple Cider. Thankfully this stuff was the alcoholic kind, so she was gonna make

sure she got drunk so she could forget this night. "Hey baby!" CarriageWasher froze, turning

around slowly she came face to face with the town drunk: Berry Punch. "Oh hey I'm not gay

so...." Rainbow Dash backed away a bit. Berry Punch glared at her. "I wasn't talking to you.

I was talking to Bella!" Rainbow Dash was confused. Who the hell was Bella? Before she could

ask the other mare pushed her aside and began making out with punch bowl.

"OH YES, BELLA!!" Rainbow Dash slowly made her way to the other side of the room and sat in a

booth. Maybe she should leave. Almost instantaneously Pinkie Pie appeared out of nowhere and

held a knife up. "Leave and I will slice you." And with that Rainbow Dash decided that maybe

she should just enjoy the party. Pinkie smiled at her. "Good girl, don’t even think about

leaving again." And with that she disappeared again. Rainbow Dash si- "STOP WITH MAKING ME

SIGH" screamed the pegaus. I replied by dropping a lighting fixture on her. Anyway, Rainbow

Dash sighed and picked up her forgotten tankard of cider and began chugging slowly it. As the

night wore on, and after a few dozen more tankards of drinks AND watching Berry Punch propose

to "Bella" AND a getting a few congratulations about finally "coming out" Rainbow Dash found

herself on the dance floor, chugging cider and vomiting on the other dancers. "WOO!" screamed

Rainbow Dash, puking into the mouth a passed out pegaus stallion.

Just then a loud scream came from the other end of the room causing the dubstep music that

was playing the background to stop. Stopping her binge drinking for a minute she decide to

investigate like everyone else. The source of the scream turned out to be Twilight Sparkle.

"There is a giant ball of light in the sky!" scream Twilight pointing out the window. Lesbian

took a glance outside. She found nothing but the moon and a few Jesus Crust worshippers

dancing around a portable stove top which had a pizza on it. "You mean the moon?" she asked

the obviously drunk mare. "No, that big white ball with the dents in it" replied Twilight

pointing at the moon. "The moon." Twilight slapped Rainbow Dash. "NO! That's not the moon."

she screamed. Rainbow Dash sighed and then glared at the other before turning to Fluttershy

who was standing nearby eating a hot dog.

"How much has she had to drink?" she asked. Fluttershy tilted her head and swallowed a bite

of her hot dog. "One third of a beer." she stated. "That's it seriously? And she is drunk?"

said Rainbow Dash. "I think she is just pretending" whispered the other pegaus. "I AINT

PRETENDING NOTHING! I DON'T NEED TO PRETEND I'M TWILIGHT DAMN SPARKLE! I'VE ACOMPLISHED A THOUSAND THINGS! I DEFEATED NIGHTMARE MOON AND DISCORD!" screamed the unicorn. "Yeah but not by your self." Lesbians reply resulted in a slap across the face with a fish. "I DID IT! ME! ALL ME! YOU PONIES DID NOTHING! NOTHING! I'M GOING TO BE AN ALICORN!" Twilight ran off leaving the party behind. "She has her expectations high doesn’t she?" said Rarity, who randomly appeared from nowhere. "HEY BITCH RANDOMLY APPEARING FROM NOWHERE IS MY THING" Pinkie Pie jumped on Rarity and began punching her. Rainbow smiled. This night turned out to be okay after all. She still hated her name though.