My Little Pony: Storm Raiders

by siempreaygee

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, Crossover, Dark, Alternate Universe, Sad, Romance
Length: 15770

Three unlikely human saviours, from three different parts of the human world, leading three completely different lifestyles. Can they save a pony universe under attack from extremely strong evil forces?

"From the fields of yonder, three new biped deliverers will come to deliver Equestria from the forces of Peron," or so Pinkie Pie prophesies.

Equestria is now under attack from a gang of South American socialists that call themselves the Social Peronistas' Association of Reliable Kindred who Love Equines, or simply "the Peronistas" for short. This group of humans have managed to hijack their way into Equestria without any form of pony help via their own high-tech means, and have taken Princesses Celestia, Luna, and Twilight Sparkle into captivity (and rendering their horns harmless). The other ponies have been forced to either flee to the mountain caves (the unicorns and earth ponies) or to the air-pressure-high city of Cloudsdale (the pegasi, with the exception of Derpy, who follows the unicorns and earth ponies to the caverns). In the absence of the ponies, the Peronistas have brought in numerous other bipedal races – from minions to Smurfs – to settle in the conquered cities of Appleloosa, Ponyville, and Canterlot; and to work the land on their so-called "collectivised farms", especially at Appleloosa.

Derpy decides that the three most appropriate saviours of Equestria are three humans – James Bond, the well-known British detective; Eric Cartman, one of the best young karate fighters from South Park in the USA; and the Bolivian Amerindian Alberto Garcia, the only brony among the three, and also the reigning Bolivian TF2 Champion.

Can the three humans unite with their pony friends to fight against the Peronistas and bring them back to Earth for a fair trial?

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-19 15:53:14 UTC

Introduction

“From the fields of yonder, three new biped deliverers will come to deliver Equestria from the forces of evil!” Pinkie Pie's cry echoed around Equestria.

The young pink earth pony was known for her prophetic foresight, which most called her “Pinkie Sense"; but this particular prophecy seemed to be all but lip-service for once. For this time, Equestria had become all but desolation; a group of nationalistic socialist human invaders had hijacked their way into Equestria from earth via way of a portal and practically ravaged most of Ponyville and Canterlot. Many innocent ponies had been killed; but thankfully, the majority of the ponies — at least 85% of what had once been the total population of Equestria — had survived by fleeing into the mountains in the Frozen North. The rulers, Princess Celestia and her sister Princess Luna, had both been captured by the invaders and taken into custody in Estrela del Mar in Argentina; somehow with their technology, the captors had managed to render the two alicorn princesses’ horns harmless.

These invaders were Spanish-speakers, largely from Argentina and Colombia, with a few from Bolivia and Guatemala; there were some also from the Soviet Union, who could speak Spanish fluently. Because of their advancement in technology (thanks mainly to the aid they’d received from their Soviet comrades), they were most certainly by no means afraid of just about anything, even Princess Celestia and Princess Luna could not fight them. Their leader was a tall, smoldering Argentinian man who called himself Professor Smith; he was a ruthless fighter who did not care about life in the least, furthermore he was extremely well-versed in nearly all known technological advances of the time.

It was the year 2023 AD, the year of the Rabbit; and this invasion had been largely unplanned. However, according to Princess Twilight Sparkle, who was hiding in the library of Canterlot Castle with her pet dragon Spike doing historical research, this was apparently the fulfillment of a prophecy by the late Eva Peron, former dictatoress of Argentina and the second wife of Juan Peron, who had died of cancer more than 70 years before and made the said prophecy on her deathbed; according to Eva’s prophecy, “socialism will soon expose the weaknesses of capitalism”.

Spike was shocked upon hearing this. “Don’t tell me…. she already foretold this long ago??” he cried.

“‘Fraid so, Spike,” said Princess Twilight, as she slowly walked to the balcony; “we never once expected that the biped race could just hack into the land of Equestria without any help from us ponies. Now everypony has been captured by that group of socialist bipeds led by that scum Professor Smith. We’re the only ones left now.”

“Not for long, Senorita!” came a Latin-accented masculine voice from above. Suddenly, a human on a hang-glider swooped down and picked up Princess Twilight in his arms, grabbing her horn and covering it with a cloth that contained some chemical that could render harmless any form of black magic.

“AAAAH!!” screamed Princess Twilight.

“No! Twilight! NOOOOOO!” screamed Spike.

“Take care of the dragon too!” yelled the man on the hang-glider.

“Si, Senor Bajaran!” shouted some other Spaniards who had been hiding in the hallways of the castle. They ran out and grabbed Spike, put chains on him, and led him away into custody.

“Let me go!” yelled Spike. “I will KILL you all!"

“So you are trying to be another Alberto Garcia is it?” said General Taddeo Spettro, the leader of the group that had been hiding in the castle halls. “Better think twice before you end up amigo-less like him! Men, gag the dragon and take him away!”

“Si, Senor Spettro!” shouted the other Spaniards.

Considered by many to be one of the strongest of the Peronistas, the young Argentinian general Jovento Bajaran was one of the employees of Professor Smith. He himself was a socialist, the grandson of one of Juan Peron’s aides-de-camp; and was married to a Soviet-Hispanic woman, Berlinella Barievna Ramerrez, who herself was the granddaughter of a Bolshevik veteran and had greatly encouraged Jovento to become more socialist than ever. With Bajaran as general of these bipeds, and with Professor Smith as Commander In Chief, the ponies were little — if at all — of a match for the socialists.

So what about Pinkie’s prophecy? Was it to be for real?

* * *

Well, it so happened that around the same time in three different parts of the human world, i.e. earth, three young men were busy with their stuff when they found out about this incident.

“GUZMAN ESCAPES PRISON”, screamed the headlines worldwide. Although he had been sentenced to maximum security prison for life, Benedicto Lee-Guzman, better known as Benz Guzman, had somehow managed to escape from the dungeons of the top-security prison in Washington DC, where he had been doing time for the past five years. Guzman, 27, was a terrorist and a socialist from Estrela del Mar in Argentina; he was extremely dangerous and had been at the top of the FBI’s Most Wanted list for many years. His capture in 2018 AD by a group of young Bolivian capitalists, with the help of our pony friends, had been hailed by many as a major victory against international terrorism.

This very incident, as mentioned earlier, was read in the news by three different young men in three different parts of the world. The first was in London, England, in a little kopi tiam along London Bridge. James Bond, the well-known detective best remembered for his daredevil stunting feats, was taking his break from work when he read the article and was taken aback by the news. “What is this!” he cried. “Just when I am sitting down and having a cup of tea, this has to come. Work calls me again!” He stood up and called for the manager. “Check, please!” he shouted. “And make it snappy! I’ve got work to do!”

After paying the check, Bond immediately ran to his Toyota Crown car and drove off into the night. It was already quite late — 10pm — and Bond had to drive up to his armory, which was further north in Liverpool.

Halfway along the highway, Bond noticed that there was a white Toyota which had following him for the last few minutes. He was a little scared — perhaps for the first time in his life — but he drove on.

The white Toyota sped up and kept abreast with Bond’s car. Bond tried to slow down to let the white Toyota overtake him. It didn’t.

He tried accelerating to avoid it. The white Toyota accelerated at exactly the same velocity and instant as Bond did.

Bond took a glance at the Toyota. He could not make out the driver due to the poor visibility. However he did note that there was a distinct picture of a big white unicorn stallion with a blue mane and a shield-shaped cutie mark, on the white Toyota’s front doors.

This is weird, said Bond to himself, just when I am rushing to Liverpool to get stuff down to London Heathrow Airport so that I can rush to Washington and find out what exactly happened to that cunt. In all his years of service in the local CID, the 56-year-old cop had never seen any sight as weird as this.

The lights ahead got dimmer and dimmer; it was beginning to rain cats and dogs. Visibility before Bond’s eyes began to drop gradually but steadily. The white Toyota kept on keeping abreast with Bond, annoying him all the more and making his driving less smooth; but shortly after he entered into the district of Banbury, the white Toyota disappeared from sight.

By this time, Bond had had enough. He drove to the nearest police station to make a police report. The detectives in Banbury were a little surprised at Bond’s report. Bond appealed to the Deputy Superintendent of Police (DSP) in charge of Banbury, who came out and heard his story, and then began to laugh.

“What’s so funny?” snapped Bond.

“This is the first time it has been described as a Toyota,” laughed the DSP.

“Explain yourself,” said Bond, getting a little curious.

“Welp,” said the DSP, now looking grave, "apparently many here have been followed by a mysterious white car with the picture of the unicorn that you described on either of its front doors. And this car, it is always the same make as the car it is following. If it is a Mercedes, it will be followed by a white Mercedes. If it is a Chrysler, or a Proton, or a Lamborghini, or whatever else, same thing. We have actually received quite a few reports about this, Inspector Bond. But we have never been able to find this car ourselves. I suggest you go and find a motel and rest, and then be on your way with morning light.”

“Yes sir,” said Bond, knowing that he was but a puny inspector and hence much more inferior to a DSP in rank.

Going back to his car, Bond started off again. It was raining very heavily still. Visibility was still very poor; thunder and lightning were flashing across the English skyline. Bond drove on without stopping. About a few miles ahead, the white Toyota appeared again, diagonally in front of him, apparently parked and stationary this time.

Bond drove on, without uttering a word, completely silent. The sky and surroundings grew darker and darker. The white Toyota was coming closer and closer into view. Somehow it did not get dark, not even in this darkest of nights.

Bond didn’t stop.

And that was arguably the fatal decision he made that would lead him into one of his biggest commitments ever as a police inspector with the CID of Britain.  For as he drove on, he suddenly heard no sounds from his car, even though it seemed to be driving faster and faster. The surroundings were so dark, and visibility was so damn poor, he could not see what was ahead of him. He began to say a silent prayer for his heir and nephew, also called James Bond, who was attending Warfield Academy in Banbury…..

And within a few more minutes, James Bond remembered nothing more.

* * *

Meanwhile, miles away across the globe,  in the township of South Park in Colorado, USA,  young Eric Cartman, a 12-year-old grade school kid, was playing Team Fortress 2 in a game arcade with his BFF’s Kenny McCormick, Kyle Broslofski, Stanley Marsh, and Butters Stotch. The five friends were playing on a koth_lakeside_event server, all on BLU; apparently there were already five others in the same arcade playing on RED.

“5. 4. 3. 2. 1. Control point enabled. MOVE!” came the TF2 administrator’s Welsh-accented and reverberant voice. The five boys started moving their respective classes over to the control point.

The five boys were all normally extremely strong TF2 players; but unfortunately for them that day, the players on RED were far too strong for them. In just two rounds flat, the five boys lost big time without inflicting very much damage on the opponent. Embittered by their loss, they decided to leave the gaming arcade. Cartman paid the arcade manager and took his friends to the nearby Macdonalds for food.

While the five boys were discussing what to do next over some burgers and fries, they were approached by five burly Latinos; they were Ramon Prada, from Chaco in Bolivia; Jose de la Cruz, from Dunedain in Colombia; Justeno Alvarado Coleda, from La Paz in Bolivia; Jaime Lozada, from Callao in Bolivia; and Rafael Ruiz, from Rio de la Plata in Argentina.

“Hola senor!” said Lozada. “You still haven’t paid up yet!”

“I’ve paid your manager,” said Cartman. “Here is the receipt to prove it!” He produced the receipt which he had acquired upon payment for arcade time.

“Si, you paid him, but you didn’t pay us!” said Cruz. “You lost to us earlier on; now you must pay for it!”

Young Kyle Broslofski stood up and gave the five Latino men a severe glare. “You don’t come and give us that bullshit!” he yelled. “You did not tell us anything about this until after the game was over! If you want to make any bets, you jolly well make sure you let your opponents know BEFORE you start any games!”

“You…!” began Coleda.

“Forget it, Justeno; I’ll finish this young muchacho off!” shouted Ruiz, and he put his hand in his pocket, and took out a revolver.

The five boys knew that the best they could do at this point was to hit the road. And that is just what they did; they literally beat it and ran out of the Macdonalds as fast as their legs would take them.

“Let’s split up!” shouted Cartman, after they were sure they were far enough from the five Latinos. “We’ll rush on home; those bandits will never be able to get us!”

“Righto!” Butters shouted back. “Guys, let’s go home; we’ll talk more about this on Facebook!”

And so the five young boys went on their ways home. After Cartman reached home, he realised something very unusual. It was only 8pm, but that night it was especially dark — for some unknown reason. Also, it was unusually windy; the wind was howling in his ears, even on ground floor.

I think, said Cartman to himself, I should have simply played Team Fortress 2 with Kyle and the others from home rather than go to that stupid fateful gaming center.

He was right in a way. For that day was to be one of the most fateful days of his life; the day that would change his life forever. Cartman continued walking into the hilly forest, while the darkness grew deeper.

It was then that he realised what was going on. It was a tornado!

“A tornado! Quick! I’d better get everything covered up!” yelled Cartman. He immediately began putting his house in order.

But it was too late. The tornado came and picked up his house and everything around it. Cartman screamed in vain for help.

Then he lost consciousness and remembered nothing more…..

* * *

And meanwhile at Garcia Manor, in the township of La Paz in Bolivia, 38-year-old Aymara businessman Alberto Garcia was in a jubilant mood; it was the fifth anniversary of his victory against the forces of socialism, which had been led by his biological father, the late Don Francisco Juan Perez. The war had cost a lot of lives, including that of Alberto’s mestizo wife Donita, as well as his best friend Huascar Leon, the Inca who had once been a priest of the sun-god Pachacamac Viracocha at the temple in Machu Pichu.

Alberto knew that he owed this victory to the ponies, who had practically changed his life forever; now he was a successful businessman and the current owner of the Brony Pony Enterprises, which he had inherited from his in-laws. Brony Pony Enterprises was now a major household name in most of Latin America; many nightclubs were now constructed under that Brony Pony brand name, and as such, in order to give credit where due, Alberto had practically decorated his whole house — a 3-storey mansion with an attic, in which he was practically the sole resident — with photos that he had taken together with the ponies, both on Earth as well as in Equestria.

He was also now the Bolivian Team Fortress 2 Champion, and had held the title for the past five years; however there was to be another titular tournament in three months’ time. Alberto knew he needed time and practice to get ready so that he could retain his title.

That day however was very different. After he had offered sacrifices at the tombstones of his wife and his BFF, both of which were in the gardens of Garcia Manor, Alberto went up to his computer to practice on a cp_gorge bot server. However it was already raining cats and dogs outside; thunder and lightning were rampant.

Alberto booted up his computer. First things first: He had to check his email for any work-related problems. Surprisingly, there were no such emails; however, he did see an important news flash — apparently a top terrorist from Argentina had escaped a maximum-security prison in Washington DC.

“L’estupido,” said Alberto…. and then he saw that it was none other than his old enemy Benz Guzman!! Guzman had apparently been sentenced to life by a jury in Washington, and had already served five years in solitary confinement; but somehow, he had managed to escape; and even the prison police were unable to explain how such an unfortunate miracle could have happened. His whereabouts at present, it turned out, were unknown; however, word had it that Guzman was raising up a neo-Bolshevik army — wherever he was — to return to South America and fight a war therein in similar fashion to the “Long March” of China.

“Caramba! This has to stop!” declared Alberto. He knew just what to do — he had to go to the airport and fly to Washington and find out what exactly had happened; he was prepared to stop Guzman and company at all costs, even to the point of laying down his very life, not to mention anything less.

Later that evening, Alberto put his house in order, took his AWPer Hand rifle, and then went to his car and drove off to the airport in Sucre; he knew he had to be quick about this, as it was late at night and it was raining cats and dogs.

Visibility was so poor that Alberto lost his way to Sucre. Unknown to him, he had taken a wrong turn by accident and ended up on the infamous Yungas Road, on which he had once been saved from a fall by Derpy, the cute grey mare with the wall-eyed stare. He continued driving ahead…. and plummetted down the ravine……

Big Mac's story

After Derpy had flown away, Alberto and Cartman turned to Big Mac.

“Tell us what happened,” said Alberto. “You’re one of the wisest ponies present.”

“Very well,” said Big Mac, as he cleared his throat. “The thing is this. I know you’re asking, why of all people did it have to be you that we chose to fight against these invaders? Well, it seems that these invaders somehow know your name; they have some sort of a grudge against you. I remember witnessing from a distance how Princess Twilight Sparkle and her faithful assistant Spike were captured.

“Apparently when the biped on the hang-glider took Twilight away, he used some form of chlorofom to render her horn harmless, so it could not perform any magic. Then some other bipeds came and captured Spike; one of those was heard mentioning your name in the process, calling you ‘amigo-less’ among other things.

“We did fight against them. The magic of our unicorn cousins even when combined, was unable to stop these bipeds, as the magic kept returning a ‘missed’ signal whenever it hit these bipeds, bouncing back to the unicorns. Just think — even the unicorns were powerless, not to mention us earth ponies. The only ones whose magic  was perhaps strong enough, were the alicorn princesses; but their powers were rendered harmless by the chloroform used on their horns by their captors. All our three princesses — Celestia, Luna, and Twilight Sparkle — have since been taken prisoner by the invaders.

“We know that the invaders come from earth. And we also know that they know your name. So we’ll need to ask you then, Alberto: Do you know a certain Professor Smith?”

“No, sorry, doesn’t ring a bell,” said Alberto.

“Very well then,” said Big Mac. “For some reason they know your name, why I really don’t know. But I suspect they are Latinos like yourself; for many of them — at least 90% of them — speak Spanish as their mother tongue. Even Professor Smith also.”

“So… how did you all escape?” asked Alberto.

“Well,” said Big Mac, “thank goodness we have swift feet. Faster than the steeds of Kublai Khan, as a songwriter once described us — and it’s true. For us earth ponies and our unicorn cousins, we simply retreated into the caverns here; as Derpy explained just now, it’s like a labyrinth, those invaders would have lots of trouble finding us here. As for our pegasus cousins, they merely flew up to Cloudsdale; they are safe for now due to the air pressure which can resist even the strongest of known hang-gliders, but only time will tell whether or not those cunts will invent a stronger hang-glider of sorts.

“As for the invaders, they have marked their conquests by their signature flag: a blood-red oblong with yellow stars in a circular constellation, and a yellow crescent and smiling sun in the center. The smiling sun makes me suspect they are Latinos all the more.

“Also it is interesting to know that the human invaders are not the only bipedal creatures in Equestria now. After those three of our cities were taken over, other bipedal creatures were brought in to settle in what were once our homes. Canterlot is currently settled predominantly by the human conquistadors; Appleloosa, by yellow potato-like bipeds that speak a funny dialect, whom they call ‘minions’; and Ponyville, by blue elves with white Phrygian caps, known as ‘Smurfs’.

“After he and his men brought in all of those other weird bipedal creatures to settle the towns, Professor Smith gave orders for ‘communes’ to be formed all around Equestria. He banned access to Facebook, Google, Twitter, and all gay porn sites, among other websites. You can see from here, what exactly is going on down in the valleys; all the farmland in Appleloosa has been practically collectivised, and you can see a few minions working the farmland from here, singing as they do it.

“From what I can see, it is going to be very hard to find your way into Canterlot Castle, which is now where Professor Smith makes his home. What makes things worse is that, while we have seen some of his men, none of us have ever seen Professor Smith himself. Not even those in captivity have seen him. He has stationed minions and smurfs and other bipeds all around Canterlot Castle in such a way that intruders will surely be spotted; even if you are a known guest, your identity will still be checked by his forces.”

“And one more thing,” added Snails. “This group is known to have specialised weapons of mass destruction. I’ve seen how they threw grenades and I know just how dangerous they are. I mean, Snips and I were in class with Featherweight and Pipsqueak and the Cutie Mark Crusaders, when suddenly we heard the air raid sirens and footsteps running to our classroom door. We saw weird-looking bipeds in cosplay wigs and WeLoveFine T-shirts outside, running to the door with submachine guns in their hands. Miss Cheerilee tried to barricade the door while we ran to safety; I remember the last words she shouted to us were, ‘Don’t bother about me! Just run! RUN!!!’ and that was the last we ever saw of her. After the seven of us had run all the way here, we could see from where we were, the school building exploding into thousands of pieces. Scootaloo and Featherweight then went up to Cloudsdale, and I believe they’re safe there at present. So the first thing we’d have to consider is, whom exactly are we fighting against?"

Alberto looked at Cartman. “This sounds complex,” he said. “Cartman, have you anything to say?"

“I know that the Everfree Forest, where Professor Smith’s troops are now, is a very creepy place with all kinds of haunted events going on,” said Cartman. “While they are trying to strategise to venture beyond there, my idea is that one of us should smuggle into Canterlot Castle to find out what really is going on therein — and since Mr Bond is now in Cloudsdale with Derpy getting the other Pegasi on the alert, the one who should go into Canterlot should be…. you, Mr Garcia!”

“ME?” cried Alberto. “But why….”

“Listen up, Alberto,” Big Mac interrupted. “I know it’s a tad risky for you, and you’re feeling creeped out; but I think young Eric here has a point. They’re mainly Spanish speakers, and Spanish is your mother tongue; I mean, after having known you for more than half a decade, I ought to know better…. so yeah, you should try to put on a disguise and pretend you’re, say, a messenger with an important private message to pass to Professor Smith. Then the rest should be a breeze for you.”

“But they’ll surely start questioning me!” cried Alberto.

“Expect that to happen,” said Big Mac. “I see no reason that you would be afraid of it. I mean, I know you, Alberto; I find it funny that you’re afraid of something that you’d normally have breezed through without any trouble if at all!"

“So that’s settled then,” said Snails. “Alberto, disguise yourself and go down to Canterlot now. Here is a disguise kit which Snips and I just managed to save from our schoolhouse’s CCA room when we were escaping."

Alberto could not decide whether to laugh or cry as he picked up the disguise kit…..

Hosanna!

Cloudsdale, as its name suggests, was a city in the clouds of Equestria, inhabited mainly by pegasi, and inaccessible except by flight. Derpy, herself a pegasus, took James Bond on her back and flew up to Cloudsdale.

As they entered, the pegasi in the city had gathered; they threw palm leaves on the floor and made an aisle for James Bond and Derpy to walk in. All of them were crying out:

“Please! Deliver us!”

“Blessed are you, salvador of Cloudsdale; you have come in the name of Celestia!”

“Glory in the highest places!"

“You in the highest heaven! Please! Deliver us!”

Just then a big, yellow pegasus mare with an amber mane came running over; her presence caused the entire town of Cloudsdale to turn their attention away from Bond, to gaze at her in great adoration and awe.

“And who might you be, biped?” she inquired, addressing Bond. “Causing such an uproar in Cloudsdale, making our townsponies go ga-ga over your suave masculine bipedal presence when the situation is already pretty serious? And you,” she went on, now addressing Derpy, “how do you know this biped?"

“This biped, as Your Grace calls him,  is the man who can help you guys,” said Derpy. “He is here to plan strategies for the deliverance of all Equestria. And Bond,” she said, turning to Bond, "let me introduce Spitfire, the mayor of Equestria.”

“The name’s Bond, James Bond — licensed to kill,” said Bond, reaching his hand forward to shake Spitfire’s hoof. “Enchanted to meet Your Grace."

“Well, well, well!” said Spitfire. “So YOU are the one and only 007! No wonder my townsponies all saw the good in you at first impressions. Pardon my frankness, Mr Bond; but I have to admit, on MY first impressions, I find you wanting in many areas. You want to save all of Equestria from the conquistadors who have already taken over Ponyville, Canterlot, and Appleloosa, and are now marching down to Manehattan? Very well then; show me your pattern — I want you, and Derpy also, to fly up to the factory over yonder, and bring all the factory workers down to the square. I need to call an urgent rendez-vous with the entire city. I’ll give you ten minutes. Starting…. now!” And with those words, she galloped off.

“So what happens now?” wondered Bond.

“We’ll just ride on,” Derpy replied. “We’ll go up to that factory over yonder, as Spitfire has ordered.”

“Er… O….K,” said Bond, very grudgingly, as Derpy flew him up to a grey factory at the side of Cloudsdale. It was quite big; Bond had to dismount from Derpy, and the two of them had to walk a long way in — Derpy leading the way — before they finally arrived in the part of the factory where a huge sauna-like machine was located. Six pegasi were sleeping around the machine; they were Rainbow Dash, Thunderlane, Flash Sentry, Featherweight, Soarin, and Fluttershy.

“We are now in the Rainbow Factory,” said Derpy, “and this is the sauna room, where the workers have their rest.”

“So… all these are the workers?” wondered Bond.

“You’ll see,” said Derpy.

Rainbow Dash awoke. “Who…. is this?” she asked, as she stared at Bond.

“The name’s Bond, James Bond — licensed to kill,” said James Bond. “But don’t worry, I am here to save you all from the terrorists that are taking over Equestria.”

“You’ve gotta wake up your colleagues now,” cried Derpy, “ and tell them that Spitfire wants to make an important announcement!”

“All righty!” shouted Rainbow Dash, jerked into full wakefulness upon hearing Spitfire’s name. “I know the purr-fect method to wake ‘em all up. Let’s do it! 1, 2, 3!

Doves do it, hawks do it,

Even puffins on the rocks do it!

Let’s do it, let’s pass some poo!

Frogs do it, toads do it,

Alligators by the roads do it!

Let’s do it, let’s pass some poo!

We pass out green poo and brown poo,

Poo that is speckled or tan;

Dry poo and wet poo,

When we’re more full than a van!

Snails do it, slugs do it,

Even Beatles and the Stones did it!

Let’s do it, let’s pass some poo!

Snakes do it, hens do it,

Even jungle denizens do it!

Let’s do it, let’s pass some poo!

We pass out green poo and brown poo,

Poo that is speckled or tan;

Dry poo and wet poo,

When we’re more full than a van!

Fish do it, crows do it,

Dinosaurs from long ago’s did it!

Let’s do it, let’s pass some poo!

And thus Rainbow Dash sang, as she defecated out a piece of huge greenish-brown poo. Bond actually covered his nose in shock.

“Dashie! How disgusting of you!” cried Derpy. “You’re vandalising the entire factory like this! The rainbows we make will eventually smell of your poo!"

“Well, they were all snoring away!” Rainbow Dash argued back. “This was the only way to wake them up; you don’t believe me; look around you and see for yourself!"

And true to Rainbow Dash’s words, the other pegasi in the factory had fully woken up and were glaring at her in anger.

“What sort of a joke is this?” demanded Thunderlane. “Look at what you’ve done — you’ve just dirtied the whole Rainbow Factory with your poo, Rainbow Dash!!"

“Listen up first! There’s no time to dawdle!” cried Rainbow Dash; “Spitfire wants to call a meeting with the entire city! We have only 2 minutes left to get to the plaza of Cloudsdale! Everypony quickly!”

“I’ll come with you!” said Bond.

“QUICKLY!!” yelled Derpy; “get on my back and we’ll fly down to the city plaza!”

At the plaza of Cloudsdale, the entire city of pegasi had gathered to hear Mayor Spitfire.

“Friends, pegasi, country-ponies, lend me thine ears!” announced Spitfire, as she stood on the podium. “As you all know, Equestria is under attack! I am glad all of you pegasi have taken your refuge here in the one place inaccessible except via pegasus or alicorn access — for artificial wings of any form would surely have frozen or melted under the sheer pressure at this altitude!”

Hoof-applause reminiscent of castanets in a flamenco performance. Cheers from all around — except Bond, who was gaping at this curious sight before his very eyes: a city in the clouds comprising furry, smiling, talking pegasi of all colours.

“I’ve had a text from our unicorn cousins down at the Frozen North,” went on Spitfire, “and they have revealed to me very interesting news. Our assailants are a group of bipeds who have very interesting technologies and means of attack. They are constantly re-inventing themselves and improving their technology. Previously, Equestria was accessible to bipeds only via the portal, which can be randomly placed in their world ONLY by either unicorns or alicorns. But these cunts, these bipeds, have broken the fucking barrier and somehow hijacked their way into Equestria WITHOUT any form of unicorn or alicorn intervention. Meaning, they did NOT use the otherwise mandatory portal. Now they have already taken over Ponyville, Appleloosa, and Canterlot; they have since made prisoners out of Their Royal Highnesses, our three Princesses Celestia, Luna, and Twilight Sparkle, as well as Spike the Dragon; and even as I speak here, the bipedal assailants are now braving the rainy weather in the Everfree Forest and making straight for Manehattan!"

“Death to the assailants!” yelled everypony. “Death to the assailants!"

"As such,” Spitfire continued her angry rant, "while these cunts are yet unable to reach Cloudsdale on their own, there is certainly no telling as to whether or not they’d be able to do so in the immediate future! We need to be prepared. According to the text I received from Snails, we’ve sent one of our biped friends undercover into the heart of Canterlot to find out more information about what our assailants are up to; rest assured I will inform everypony the minute news arrives. Meanwhile, I ask for your cooperation; we shall fight against socialism together, for together, we make the difference!”

“Together, we make the difference!” cried all the ponies in the city, bowing their heads and raising their right forehooves in gestures of unity. “One voice, one destiny!"

“Because of the danger we are in,” went on Spitfire, “I will need to declare an emergency state in Cloudsdale! All my Wonderbolts, please go straight to the Rainbow Factory and operate the thunder machine from there; we will surely need that in the event that the assailants manage to somehow make their way up here! The rest of you, arm yourselves with these rapid-firing chainguns that I will be distributing to you all shortly!”

“Yes, Your Grace!” shouted the ponies, who seemed to be thoroughly enjoying themselves.

Bond turned to look at Derpy and the other six pegasi. “What now?” he asked.

“I’m a Wonderbolt,” said Thunderlane; “and so are Soarin and Rainbow Dash; the three of us will need to obey Her Grace and rush back up to the Rainbow Factory to operate the thunder-making machine.”

“Derpy, I think you and Bond will need to go and check on your mates down at the caverns,” said Flash Sentry. “Featherweight and Fluttershy and I, we’ll come with you.”

“Sure thing then,” said Derpy.

“Grrrrr….” Bond growled in his teeth; if there was one thing he really hated, it was being disrupted to save a world of talking horses when halfway on an important mission against a terrorist as dangerous as Guzman.

More interesting things were happening inside the caverns meanwhile. All the ponies in the cavern had woken up; and Rarity was helping to put a good disguise on Alberto, so that he could go into Canterlot Castle under disguise.

“Now listen to me,” said Rarity, looking Alberto in the eye.  “This is a VERY important mission, and it was not easy getting this disguise ready and fixing it on you. Whatever the cost, you cannot fail us. Do you read me, Mr Alberto Garcia Perez?”

“Si,” said Alberto.

“As of now until you return to us,” said Rarity, “your new identity will be as Legolas Greenleaf, the Elf of the Woods; and for that you will need to temporarily get rid of that give-away Hispanic accent of yours, and make your voice a bit more… er…. British sounding.”

“You mean…. something like Senor Bond?” wondered Alberto.

“Mr Garcia, stop asking the obvious!” Cartman nudged Alberto in his ribs.

“Now go for it,” said Rarity, her horn starting to glow. “This is an order.”

Alberto walked off very grudgingly, angry that he had to disguise himself as an elf, with all the paraphernalia of a heavy axe, a long blonde wig, and fake pointy ears that were making him perspire all over.

“Rarity, don’t you think you went a bit too far just now?” Big Mac said sternly.

“It had to be done,” Rarity defended herself; “all the five years we’ve known him, I’ve noticed that he has a tendency to fidget a lot when he’s bored. We must do something about that.”

Just then, Derpy trotted into the cavern, with Bond on her back, and with Featherweight, Flash Sentry, and Fluttershy following close behind.

“Oh, so you’re all awake already,” said Derpy. “How’s things?"

“Alberto’s gone to Canterlot,” said Braeburn; “according to Rarity, he has to get all the information he can about Professor Smith and hand it over to us.”

“I only hope…” said Derpy, getting concerned for the poor Bolivian.

Indeed, Alberto was now in Canterlot, still wearing his disguise and surveying the castle from a green hill not far off. It was already night.

Just think, he thought, here I am doing this rotten mission and wearing these rotten clothes and playing this rotten part, when I could have gone and done my patriotic chore by stopping Benz Guzman.

Suddenly, he heard a man's voice from not far off.

“Now listen to me, senores; those ponies have escaped us, but not for long. If they’re gone for too long, they’ll surely make their way to the Crystal Empire, and then arm themselves there with the help of their Princess Cadence, before they return here and retaliate. We must get them before they get us.”

That voice, said Alberto to himself, I’m sure I know that voice.

He looked in the direction of where the voice was coming from. He saw, on the second-storey balcony, a tall man wearing a long pink cosplay wig and fake yellow horse-ears — this man was clearly cosplaying as Fluttershy — and he was wearing an ivory-coloured Fluttershy T-shirt from WeLoveFine, and carrying a bazooka of some sort in his hand. The man was talking to some other bipedal creatures; obviously they were Smurfs, as could be told by their Phrygian caps.

Alberto crept nearer. He noticed that the back door had been left ajar; and he thought, this is it, this is where I come in.

So he continued creeping up to the back door, making sure to keep really silent so as to avoid detection.

Then GROWWWWLLLL! A huge, brown, bipedal bulldog with a voracious mouth came spinning like a top towards him. Alberto jumped into the ajar back door as quickly as he could and slammed the door shut, just in time. Then Alberto heard footsteps, and the same man’s voice from just outside that door.

“Taz, you ok? What is wrong? …. Oh, you must be hungry; come, I’ll give you a nice juicy piece of bone. Vieni, eat up, little doggie.”

Alberto slowly opened that door and peeked outside. He saw the man taking off his wig and taming the bulldog, which was now seated and purring happily as it nommed on a bone.

The minute the man removed his wig, Alberto recognised him immediately.

Caramba, he said to himself, I know who that is — it’s Benz Guzman!

Then it dawned on him. Benz Guzman had somehow received miraculous, supernatural intervention that had enabled him to flee the prison cell; and the same intervention had most likely allowed him and his human followers — Alberto was guessing that they were very much the same nemeses he had encountered five years ago — as well as those new bipedal creatures, to gain access to Equestria without any form of pony intervention. In the process, Guzman had had to take on the fake alias of “Professor Smith” in order to avoid detection from the Interpol; and the most obvious reason why he picked Equestria, was because he must have thought it would be safe from police detection. But what was yet more amazing and uncertain, was HOW exactly he’d gotten in without any form of pony intervention whatsoever. In any case, now that he knew who “Professor Smith” really was, Alberto was this time all determined to rid the universe of this maniacal nationalistic socialist dictator.

Alberto watched as Guzman and his dog disappeared round a corner. He gasped a sigh of relief… and then suddenly, something hit Alberto on the head from behind, and he was knocked out for a while. Apparently Guzman had just snuck up from behind Alberto and whacked him on the head, thinking that Alberto was one of his followers.

“Poor silly Jose!” said Guzman. “You make me laugh! Just sitting here and skiving off when you were supposed to be doing your duties!”

Guzman yanked the wig away from Alberto’s head. “Caramba!” he cried. “Mil bombas! It isn’t Jose! It’s…. it’s Alberto Garcia!”

Anger, rage, fury, passion, insane fanaticism — all those emotions welled up in Benz Guzman’s head at that very moment.

“Now what could Garcia be doing here, I wonder?” said Guzman. “I thought he was so happy leading his victorious business and gaming life in La Paz…. and now…. No way, I’d better tell Morgana about this.”

This Morgana was the legendary Morgan Le Fay, a wicked witch whose original home had been a cave in the forests of the Amazon for many years; she had met Guzman at a ball in Estrela del Mar in Argentina merely 10 years before, and they had fallen in love there. Though Morgana was 14 years older than Guzman (he was now 27 and she was 41), they had been lovers for a decade and had long been planning to get married. Five years before, after Guzman’s first arrest, Morgana had retreated into the forests of the Amazon again, to work out as to how she could get her lover set free from the jail in Washington DC. She had miraculously succeeded merely by performing an improvised variant of a Patronus charm; and similarly she had given Guzman and his comrades the access to Equestria, with yet another improvised charm. After Guzman had conquered the three Mane cities of Equestria, he had brought Morgana over to live in the castle with him and to make her his “queen”. Morgana had actually requested to live in the Everfree Forest; but Guzman, scheming and knowledgeable of Equestria as he was, had advised her against that, knowing that Morgana’s powers were certainly no match for the magic of the Everfree Forest.

“Morgana, my dove,” said Guzman, as he walked into the great hall of Canterlot Castle to see his beloved, “I’ve just seen something very strange.”

Morgana looked Guzman in the eye. “You don’t have to tell me. You’ve seen Garcia.”

“How did you know..?” Guzman’s eyes went wide.

“Don’t forget, I can see through things,” said Morgana. “You’ve known me for a decade and you still pretend not to know?”

Guzman winced but said nothing, clearly spellbound. He knew that Morgana was about to make another prophecy.

“Your potato-faced, goggly-eyed troops,” said Morgana, “are weary from their fight in the forest, and will be coming back shortly with their general, to request annual leave.”

“But sweetie, this is NOT the right time for them to leave!” cried Guzman. “We still have to take over Manehattan and Vanhoover and the Frozen North; and also Cloudsdale, once you’ve tested those hang-gliders and proven them to be adequately resistant! Then and only then can we make our way into the Crystal Empire!"

Just then, General Taddeo Spettro, who had been leading the assault on Manehattan, came running into the great hall with his minions; all had been clearly pretty seriously wounded after attempting to go through the Everfree Forest. Something had clearly happened to them therein.

“GET A GRIP ON YOURSELVES!!! What happened?!!” Guzman grabbed General Spettro and shook him so hard till his knees shook and his teeth chattered.

“Kwai boot! Um chai simi KWAI BOOT!!!!” shrieked Spettro, in his strong Inca dialect. He was clearly very devastated from having seen weird spirits in the Everfree Forest.

“WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?! Get back to your farming! NOW!!!” Guzman yelled at the minions, who fled the castle so fast like bats out of hell.

“Morgana,” said Guzman to his beloved queen, “what shall we do with General Spettro?”

“Take him off the case,” said Morgana. “Send him back to Earth, to supervise the dungeons where we’ve imprisoned the three alicorns. The minions down in the dungeons in Rio de la Plata may go crazy if they don’t have his supervision. Also, tell him to tell Rafael Ruiz to come up here, and relieve him in the conquest of the Everfree Forest. We’ll certainly need Mr Ruiz’s help anyways.”

“But sweetie….” began Guzman.

“I said get Ruiz to relieve Spettro,” ordered Morgana. “This is an order!”

“Diavolo!” murmured Guzman as he went to carry out his beloved’s orders.

Meanwhile, Alberto had come round halfway on the staircase leading to the underground cellar of the castle. Apparently some patrolling Smurfs had dumped him there, thinking he was dead.

He had lost his disguises and his axe; and was now not armed. And he could hear Taz growling in the distance, getting nearer and nearer to him. Was he trapped for good ..?

Power Ponies

Just as Alberto was about to give up all hope, he heard two male voices in the very same room.

“Looks like the master has done it again.”

“Yeah, he did this to us, and seems like he wants to do it to that guy over there too.”

“Yeah, true.”

Alberto picked himself up. “Who said that?” he gasped.

No-one answered, but Alberto spotted a smiling miniature grandfather clock and a smiling candlelabra standing on the mantelpiece. He thought he saw the candlelabra winking at him.

“Don’t tell me…. YOU spoke??” he cried.

“Hmmm, you must be new here,” said the candlelabra. “Needless to say, we too are new here. The master asked us to work for him, and when we refused, he got his — er — missus, if that’s what you call it, to turn us into our present forms, and dragged us with him all the way here.”

“Yeah,” said the clock. “And the master knows I’m afraid of mice, and he deliberately put us in this underground cellar where rats and mice are rampant. I’ve been having mice running up and down me at really wee hours especially around 1 a.m. every other night. Good thing I have a chime to chase away those dirty, smelly rodents. Ewwww!”

“Oh, so you were living on earth as well,” said Alberto. “My name’s Alberto, by the way. May I be so kind as to find out your names, and also as to how Benz Guz…. I mean Professor Smith, brought you here?”

“My name’s Daniel Coatsworth,” said the clock; “and this is my friend, Isaac Lewis,” he said, pointing at the candlelabra.

“Peace,” said Lewis, gesturing his two candle-shaped arms in a sign of peace.

“Peace to you too,” said Alberto.

“As to how Professor Smith brought us here,” went on Coatsworth, “welp, let’s just say that his missus is…. er… a witch of some sort. She has…. er…. very strange powers. Otherwise we would never have become the way we look to you now. You’re very lucky they haven’t done it to you yet.”

“You mean….” began Alberto.

“Yes, you heard us right,” said Lewis. “The master and the missus do have extremely strange powers. You’re lucky you’re here with us. He rarely, if at all, comes down to this cellar. This is a cellar in the basement of Canterlot Castle.”

“So now tell us how you came to be here?” asked Coatsworth.

“It’s kind of a long story actually,” said Alberto, choking back a sob; “but I’ll still tell you nonetheless. I’d rather not talk about it though…. I’d rather sing about it.

About 5 years ago, on a train bound for Dover.

I met up with the ponies, when they passed right through my keep.

They took me down the by-way, to that castle on the hilltop;

And when boredom overtook us, and they commenced to speak.

They said, “Friend, you’ve had a life of fighting and hell-riding;

But there’s good news for you: what was naughty can be nice.

Cos if you don’t mind our saying, we can see your life’s a downturn;

So if you intend to repent, we’ll give you some advice.”

So I handed them my faith, but for years I suffered badly;

Though I found some interest, in a love to settle down.

But when night got deathly darkness, then my face lost all expression;

And the ponies said, “That’s where you’re gonna come right into town.

“Cos you’ve got a heart strong as horses, so keep on your courses;

Ring out the hurt and wrong, ring in the right.

You won’t ever waste no-nothin’, on a night of hell and heartbreak;

Cos the shouts of joy will come at break of dawnin’ of light.

“Now everypony knows that the secret to survival,

Is knowing how to spread the love, united in one accord.

Cos every hand’s a winner just like every hand’s a loser;

So the best that you can hope for is your heavenly reward.”

And when they finished speaking, they took me out a-ridin’,

Showed me the things around, and told me what was wrong;

And somewhere down the road now, I realised all my blunders.

And that was when I knew that I’d a mission to carry on.

Cos I’ve got a heart strong as horses, I keep on my courses;

I rang out the hurt and wrong, and rang in the right.

I didn’t ever waste no-nothin’, on that life of hell and heartbreak;

Cos the shouts of joy will cme at break of dawnin’ of light.

“Cos I’ve got a heart strong as horses….” he began again, but suddenly a few mice darted out from a mousehole which happened to be on the same wall just where Alberto was leaning. The mice made straight for Coatsworth and ran up on him. Coatsworth chimed out in fear. “DONG! DONG! DONG!”

“Diam lah, Coatsworth! You’re raising the alarm for nothing!” cried Alberto.

“I can’t!” chimed Coatsworth. “Those mice…. DONG! DONG! …. just get them off me will you?! DONG! DONG! DONG! DONG! …. “

“Just DIAM!!” screamed Alberto, trying in vain to stop the chiming by covering Coatsworth’s mouth, not for one minute guessing that the mouth is not where a clock’s chime resonates.

“Enough, the two of you!” cried Lewis. “There’s a cave just opposite this cellar! Just go to the cellar door and straight ahead!”

“But….” began Alberto.

“JUST DO IT!!!” yelled Lewis.

Alberto picked up Coatsworth and Lewis and ran straight for the cellar door; he opened it and dashed straight ahead.

If he had turned left, he’d have gone into a corridor where some wine barrels were and which would in the end lead to the great hall of Canterlot Castle; but he went straight ahead as Lewis had instructed him, and ended up in a huge cavern, reminiscent of that of the Frozen North, except that this one was a lot more humid and warm, being underground.

“Phewph!” gasped Coatsworth, who had stopped chiming by now. “I hope NEVER to see those horrible rodents again — the very thought of them just creeps me out!”

“Let’s just find a place to rest for the night,” said Alberto. “Hopefully those muchachos will never catch us here.”

“Follow me,” said Lewis; “I know a secret…”

Alberto turned out to be right somehow; for indeed Benz Guzman heard Coatsworth’s chiming, and came running down to the cellar together with Morgana as well as four of his generals Justino Diaz, Nick Cook, Dario Coleda, and Jovento Bajaran, and his head cook Jaime Lozada, to see what was going on.

“That’s funny, the clock and the candlelabra are missing,” said Guzman. “Yet ironically, apart from the mice scampering around the place, everything else seems intact.”

“Those two couldn’t have run off by themselves,” said Bajaran.

“Then what about the chiming?” wondered Diaz. “Surely someone must have broken in and stolen them.”

“If they did, they’d have nowhere to go,” said Coleda; “I’m aware that this cave is a one-way ticket to death, and further inside there’s a bottomless pit which very few would even be able to detect, considering the darkness therein.”

“Come with me, everyone,” said Morgana; “we need to strategise. And get your clothes on."

Meanwhile back in the Frozen North, night had fallen, and the ponies were very concerned. A whole day was almost over and Alberto had not returned. They turned on Rarity in anger.

“Now look at what you have done,” scolded Braeburn. “We’ve just lost one of our three biped saviours — thanks to your negligence in handling him!”

“And now we don’t know as to whether he’s still alive even now!” added Applejack.

“Guys, I’m really sorry!” pleaded Rarity. “You see, I had to make somepony do something…. but it’s all over now.”

“And just WHAT do you mean by THAT?!” demanded Big Mac, fixing Rarity with a severe glare.

“You tell us, how are you going to get Alberto back?!” shouted Applejack. “GO AND BRING HIM BACK NOW!!”

“Yeah fine I’ll do it,” said Rarity, very grudgingly.

Derpy, who had been chatting with Bond and Cartman separately in another part of the mountains, heard the noise and came cantering up, with Bond and Cartman walking behind. “What happened?” she cried. “Alberto’s dead?!”

“CHOY!” Braeburn rebutted. “I know Alberto well enough; he won’t die so easily. However what’s worrying us, is why he hasn’t come back until now. He’s been away for like more than half a day now. And it’s almost midnight.”

“Don’t worry, I’ve got a text from him,” said Bond, taking out his handphone, which had just beeped in his pocket. He read the text to the others:

Am stuck in a cavern underground from Canterlot Castle after almost getting caught by Benz Guzman and his men. I’ve got this friendly clock and candlelabra who can talk, here with me. We’re not sure how to get out of here. Somepony please come and deliver us. Muchas gracias. Alberto

“This means somepony will surely have to step in and save him,” said Derpy. “Bond and I will fly up and get Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy to fly with us to Canterlot. Meanwhile, Cartman, you ride Rarity; take Snips and Snails with you, and go and take Manehattan. Be careful of the Everfree Forest and of Neighagra falls!”

“Si!” said Cartman, hopping onto Rarity’s back. “Giddy up! We’re homeward bound!” he called out, echoing the fourth line of the refrain from the Equestrian National Anthem.

Rarity neighed, and together with Cartman on her back, she and the two unicorn colts galloped off down the mountains in the direction of Manehattan.

After Rarity left with Cartman and Snips and Snails, the other ponies knew they had to strategise somehow.

“From what I can gather,” said Big McIntosh, “I’m suspecting lots of revenge and violence here. First of all — it turns out that ‘Professor Smith’s’ real name is Benz Guzman. And yes, we know who he is: the most wanted man on the FBI list, who recently managed to escape the maximum security dungeons in Washington DC.”

“And wait, didn’t our friend Alberto have kind of an infamous run-in with him five years ago?” asked Shining Armour.

“Yeah, and we helped Alberto defeat Guzman and his men,” said Braeburn. “We just never expected that five years later he would break free and manage to hack his way into our land to take his revenge. I mean, this is just really appalling.”

“What we need this time,” said young Featherweight, “is speed and power. We need more speed and power if we are to defeat those scums before they defeat us.”

“You have a point there,” said Applejack. “The Crystal Empire’s main asset for its apparent indomitability, is its speed and power; HRH Princess Cadence has done a wonderful job with her guards.”

“I received training under her,” said Flash Sentry, “and so did Shining Armour. Now we need to apply what we’ve learned to this case. And so far, from what I see, we’re doing so well: We’ve got Bond to go with my fellow pegasi to take Canterlot, while the unicorns under Rarity and Snips and Snails and our other human friend Cartman, have gone to defend Manehattan from the invaders. Now we just need those of you who are earth ponies, to do something. And believe me — you CAN.”

Applejack walked to the edge of the mountains and looked over Equestria. She saw another army of minions advancing over to Manehattan again, attempting to go by Neighagara falls this time. Her eyes filled with tears. “If they succeed,” she said, “Manehattan will end up exactly the way Sweet Apple Acres is now — a collectivised cooperative farm. And we all will have one less bloomin’ home.” Then casting her eyes to the distance, she sang:

All I want is a room somewhere,

Far away from the cold night air.

With one enormous chair.

Oh! Wouldn’t it be loverly?

Lots of chocolate for me to eat,

Lots of coal makin’ lots of heat.

Warm face, warm hands, warm feet,

Oh! Wouldn’t it be loverly?

Oh, so loverly sitting absolutely bloomin’ still.

I would never budge till spring crept over the window sill!

Someone’s head resting on my knee,

Warm and tender as he can be.

Who takes good care of me.

Oh! Wouldn’t it be loverly?

Loverly, loverly, loverly, loverly!

“Brava, cousin Applejack, that was a beautiful rendition!” cried Braeburn. “But we’ve got other things to think about now besides chamber music!"

“What we earth ponies will do,” suggested Big McIntosh, “is to go down to Ponyville and open fire on the inhabitants therein. It’s kind of like a backdoor for us — while Guzman and his people are busy trying to take Manehattan and defend Canterlot, we will come in and take back Ponyville, and then Appleloosa. There should be more than enough of us to do that at once — Applejack, Pinkie, and myself, we’ll deal with Ponyville; Braeburn, Noteworthy, and Pipsqueak, you three will tackle Appleloosa."

“Good idea bro!” cried Applejack. “How did you come up with that? Will it work out?"

“Yeah, it will,” said Big McIntosh. "I’m sure our bipedal friends have brought some guns in their backpacks — they should all be in the cave still. I’ll go get ‘em now.”

It was during this time that Derpy had managed to get Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy; the three pegasi, together with Bond riding on Derpy, were now flying over to Canterlot for an important mission that Bond had assigned Derpy to do.

“We stop over here,” said Bond, “and Derpy, drop this envelope down to this balcony of the castle. We’ll see what happens.”

“What was in that envelope anyway?” asked Derpy.

“I’ll tell you later,” said Bond; “cos power ponies cannot reveal too much information when in dangerous territory. Right now, we have to fly away just in case they detect us. I suggest we fly to Manehattan and alert the inhabitants therein. Dr Whooves and some other earth ponies are there too.”

“Yeah, and don’t forget, Manehattan is probably the only other place in Equestria which actually has business dealings with Earth,” mentioned Fluttershy. “It’s the only other place where bipeds from Earth come to do business with us ponies. These bipeds have legal access here as they have been brought in by ponies, usually unicorns; some of the famous businessmen who currently live in Manehattan, include YouTuber Toby Turner, porn star Jamie Sanders, musician Joel Zimmerman alias DeadMau5, and Team Fortress 2 creator Gabe Newell."

“It’s our one main source of revenue,” said Rainbow Dash. “It’s a key target for those invaders, because of the gold we keep therein.”

They soon arrived in Manehattan within a matter of minutes. “I’ll alert the town,” said Derpy. “The place to do so is at Speaker’s Corner, over there at Gallop Ayer Community Center. You guys wait outside the city gates; Bond, you ride Dashie; and Fluttershy, you follow behind. When I give the signal, ride into the gates.”

Bond nodded in agreement. “Stand by, the two of you,” he said to Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy.

Derpy flew to the Speaker’s Corner, and when she was sure the time was right, she cried out:

Rejoice, daughter of Manehattan!

Shout, daughter of Canterlot!

Behold, here cometh thy saviours, riding into thy gates!

She winked at Bond. “Giddy up!” cried Bond. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy neighed, and they slowly trotted into the city; the ponies therein started waving palm leaves and calling out in many voices.

“Please! Deliver us!”

“Blessed are they that cometh in the name of dear sweet Celestia!”

“You in the highest heaven! Please! Deliver us!"

Bond slowly rode up to the podium of the Speaker’s Corner and spoke out in a loud voice.

“Listen up, everypony! Equestria is under attack from unwelcome assailants! Canterlot, Appleloosa, and Ponyville have already fallen to the invaders! Everypony now hurry to the Crystal Empire for safety! This is our one chance! Let us, your saviours, defend you from the invaders!”

Just then, a few well-dressed gentlemen showed up at the Speakers’ Corner. “What’s going on?!” they cried. “Why suddenly all this paraphernalia when we’re halfway at the office?!… Oh wait! Aren’t you Agent 007??"

“This is a national emergency!” shouted Bond. “I don’t care if you’re bipedal or quadrupedal, human or horse; just hurry to the Crystal Empire! This is for your own safety and security!”

“All right! Fine!” shouted the men, as they followed the rest of the pony citizens of Manehattan out to the Crystal Empire.

“Now it’s just us,” said Fluttershy.

“Nope, there’s still one more citizen left — I think he’s still inside his house over yonder,” said Rainbow Dash, indicating to a unit in a block of flats in which the window was open and a man was calmly looking down from there at the sheer scene. “And best part is that he’s a human too.”

“I’ll go get him,” said Bond. He ran up to the block of flats, took the elevator up, and saw the unit door; the name outside read:

SEAN O'HARA

Management Consultant

He knocked on the door of the unit. The very man whom they had seen, opened the door; he wore a naval uniform and had a monocle in his eye. This was, obviously, none other than Sean O’Hara himself, the resident of this unit.

“Well, what can I do for you?” he asked coldly.

“Mr O’Hara, sir? We’re under a state of emergency,” said Bond. “Would you mind, for your own safety, joining the others in going to the Crystal Empire?”

“Ohh! Wait! You’re Agent 007, right?” said O’Hara, suddenly looking happy and giving Bond a pet on the back. “Come in for a cup of tea! Never mind about the emergency; I’m Sean O’Hara, and if you know me well enough, you’ll know that I’ve got the means to deal with all kinds of emergencies!”

Derpy, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy flew up to O’Hara’s window. “Mr O’Hara, we don’t know what means you have, but this is for your own safety,” said Derpy, looking grave. “If you don’t come with us, we won’t force you; we’ll just leave you here to your fate.”

“This is not a joke,” added Fluttershy.

“Like I said,” said O’Hara, “you’ll see what means I have to deal with the matter. Excuse me a minute please, I need to make a call.”

He went into his room for a while, locked the door, and when he was sure no-one was listening, he made a call to Sean Brink, his Chief Operations Officer. For after all, Sean O’Hara was an evil man — he was none other than the man who had masterminded everything evil for the last five years; he was the brains behind the now-defunct All Lee Enterprises, and he too was the man who had instigated Morgana to miraculously smuggle Guzman out of prison and give him power to invade Equestria as was happening at present, hence this was not at all a real emergency for O’Hara, not in the least.

“Hello, Brink?” said O’Hara. “O’Hara here…. we’ve got visitors; three pegasi and one human…. I suspect these visitors are actually aiding the defense of Equestria, seeing that they’ve actually got the citizens of Manehattan to flee to the Crystal Empire for refuge…… What? General Spettro failed? What about General Ruiz — is he on his way down?…… Very good; I assume you know what to do next; tell Guzman that we need to rush those super-powered hang-gliders quickly….. yeah….. right….. ok….. ok talk to you later. Bye.”

He then opened his door and was shocked to see Derpy, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Bond still standing there. “What the…. are you still here?” he asked.

“Er… we were waiting for you,” said Bond.

“Yeah, waiting for you to decide whether or not you want to go to safety,” added Fluttershy.

“Like I said,” said O’Hara, “I’ll be safe here. You don’t have to worry about me.” His Dublin-accented voice now had a hint of annoyance therein.

“Very well, suit yourself,” said Derpy. “Bond, get on my back; and let’s all go.”

After they flew out of O’Hara’s window, O’Hara rubbed his hands in glee. “He! He! He! They’ve left the entire city in OUR hands now!” he said. “And General Ruiz will soon be marching in with his minions — and what is now Manehattan, will soon be renamed Peaking, for all its industries, businesses, and MONEY, will be collectivised! He! He! He!”

Rarity takes Manehattan

“Well for once we did leave somepony in the lurch,” remarked Bond.

“It was kind of necessary,” said Derpy; “for firstly, time is of the essence; and secondly… if you don’t mind me saying…. I had my reservations about this O’Hara fella all along.”

“Yeah,” added Fluttershy. “The way he was behaving just now, appeared very… er… suspicious. I mean, this IS an emergency; so if he were to take it so lightly, it could be either of two things: he is telling the truth or he is lying.”

“And what’s more,” said Rainbow Dash, “if he were lying, he’d be either not in the know that he was lying — meaning that he is probably something wrong up there — or he’d be fully in the know that he was lying, making him evil and hence connected to the case.”

“All that makes things doubly complicated,” said Bond. “Meanwhile, let’s bring word back to our friends in the Frozen North. I am also starting to have MY suspicions about the whole fracas.

Meanwhile, more complications were happening in Canterlot Castle.

“WHAT is your PROBLEM now?!” screamed Benz Guzman; “disturbing me when I’m in a meeting?!!”

He was reasonably angry; for he was halfway through a meeting with Morgana and some of his top generals, when Rafael Ruiz entered the Canterlot Castle great hall at that very moment.

“General Rafael Ruiz reporting for duty, senor,” said Ruiz.

“Get your minions and GO AND TAKE MANEHATTAN!!!” screamed Guzman.

“Si senor!” said Ruiz, and he ran out of the great hall at once.

“Oh boy...!” gasped Guzman.

“Now what was that about, sweetie?” asked Morgana.

“Let’s get on with the meeting,” said Guzman. “That was our new general Rafael Ruiz. I’ve assigned him to do what Taddeo Spettro couldn’t do — to take over Manehattan. It is only once we get Manehattan, that we will be able to then take over their final stronghold — the Crystal Empire.”

Just then, another man entered the great hall. Guzman was about to freak out again, when he recognised this guest — it was Sean Brink.

“Ahem. Buenas tardes, senor Brink,” said Guzman. He and his colleagues fell prostrate before Brink, and then stood up.

“Morgana, have you gotten the hang-gliders ready yet?” asked Brink.

“Sadly, Mr Brink, we’re having lots of complications in making them,” lamented Morgana; “for these hang-gliders, as you ordered, will need to be able to bring us up to Cloudsdale, where the air pressure could easily crush even the strongest hang-glider like an eggshell — and if the hang-gliders are any stronger, they won’t be able to fly already.”

“You better hurry up,” said Brink, growling in his teeth; “you better fucking hurry up, before the defense gets too strong for us!” He then turned to Guzman and the other generals. “And the rest of you, I expect you all to make the full conquest of Manehattan before the day is through! Go and see to it that General Ruiz….”

And just as he mentioned the name, Ruiz came running back in with his minions in tow; their clothes had been torn apart, and they were perspiring from head to foot.

“Diavolo!” cried Guzman. “E’ desso!"

“NOW WHAT?!” yelled Brink. “General Ruiz, is this the way you appear before your Chief Operations Officer?! AND WHY ARE YOU NOT ON THE WAY TO MANEHATTAN?!!!”

“Senor Brink,” gasped Ruiz, “we ran into… lots of trouble….. creepy trouble…. in the forest….”

“What do you mean, 'creepy trouble'?!!” screeched Brink. “ANSWER ME WILL YOU?!!” He took Ruiz by the collar and shook him so hard till he nearly lost his teeth.

“Senor Brink, let him speak,” interrupted Guzman; “for what he is about to say, may be of use to us. Go on, General Ruiz."

“General Spettro…. was right,” gasped Ruiz; “there were these…. squid-like things…. dunno what exactly though….. they … were…. hanging on the trees….. dangling, y’know, like that….. two of them…. around…… four feet high each…... they just…. materialised…. out of ….. seemingly….. nothing…... they had antennae…. and ping-pong-ball eyes….. and their bodies were….. all but tentacles…. and they….. kept saying ….. ‘Yep yep yep yepyepyepyepyepyepyep uh-huh uh-huh’….. or something like that….. we were …. so creeped out…….  we literally …. ran…. like ….. bats out of …. hell….” and with those words, he passed out on the ground.

“Hmmm,” said Brink. “This is VERY interesting. Go and take your general to the sick bay, minions.”

The minions made funny sounds and then surrounded Ruiz’s unconscious body, and took it away. Brink then turned to the others.

“All right, Benz, how do you explain this in-te-rest-ing story?” he said, sounding sarcastic.

“Er…. Senor Brink….” began Guzman.

“GO! Take all your generals here and GO TO THE EVERFREE FOREST NOW!!!” suddenly yelled Brink. “GET CRACKING AND KE BELAKANG PUSING BEFORE I EXPLODE!!!!”

Guzman, Diaz, Bajaran, Cook, Coleda, and Lozada turned around to go. Morgana followed suit.

“You, Morgana, stay here!” ordered Brink. Morgana turned around.

“Yes, my lord Brink,” she replied.

“Go to the library in the upper room, near our gaming arcade,” commanded Brink, “and look up for any information about these ‘yep yeps’ or whatever squiddy thingies they speak about…. and let me know your findings.”

“Yes, my lord,” said Morgana. She walked slowly up to the library.

Oh boy, said Brink to himself, these generals will surely be the death of me.

It was during this time that Rarity was taking Cartman on her back into the Everfree Forest, with Snips and Snails behind them. They were going to take over Manehattan and make sure no trouble was to come.

At that moment, Cartman’s phone beeped in his pocket; he'd received a text from Bond. He read it aloud:

Am back at base. Have managed to clear Manehattan successfully; most of the inhabitants have fled to the Crystal Empire at our orders. However I think we’ve made a big mistake. One inhabitant — a human being —  refuses to leave the city; he seems a little furtive IMO. His name is Sean O’Hara and he’s allegedly some management consultant working in Manehattan. You and Rarity go into Manehattan and wait there for us; I’ll inform Shining Armour and Pipsqueak and the others to join you there, they’ve got weapons and can defend the city. We’ll be over in a bit. See u then. 007

“All right, so this Sean O’Hara is Suspect Number One,” said Rarity. “What do you make of him?”

“We’ll go and find out more when we get there,” said Cartman.

The four of them eventually went into the now-deserted city of Manehattan; and they found Sean O’Hara’s flat easily via way of some signposts. Rarity knocked on the door. “Open in the name of Celestia!”

No response. “Cartman, break down the door!” ordered Rarity. Cartman kicked down the door. The flat was apparently empty and in full order; no-one was inside, and everything was in its proper place, as though this was a brand new showflat.

“Did we get the wrong place or person?” wondered Snails.

“Let me see what’s gone wrong,” said Rarity. Her horn started glowing as she used it like a scanner around the whole place.

“All right,” said Rarity, as soon as her horn stopped glowing; “this IS the right place. Sean O’Hara has most probably escaped. My horn tells me he went to Ponyville.”

“I’ll text Mr Bond and tell him to send some unicorns over to Ponyville,” said Cartman.

“No, don’t do that,” said Rarity. “Let that be the duty of the earth ponies. The unicorns have to come here and defend Manehattan, as this is the last stronghold before the Crystal Empire. Your best bet would be to go with Bond to find Alberto, and then the three of you should then have no trouble wrenching Canterlot back from the invaders. Then, and only then, do we take Ponyville. Sean O’Hara, from the way things look by this flat, is going to be pretty much defenseless once Guzman and all his henchmen are destroyed."

“Are you saying that Sean O’Hara is the mastermind??” wondered Snips.

“From the way 007 put it to us, his behaviour certainly seems to point in that direction,” said Rarity. “Think about it this way: He doesn’t seem scared of a major emergency like this, which already indicates his fearlessness — if he is indeed part of this group of assailants, he’s sure to be one of their more senior members.”

Meanwhile, Big McIntosh and the other five earth ponies had armed themselves with the guns provided them by Cartman and Bond; and they were making for Ponyville.

“Has everypony got their guns ready?” called Big McIntosh.

“YERRRRSSSS!” answered everypony.

“Very good,” said Big McIntosh. “Now wait till I give you the go ahead before we rush in and open fire. You all know wot to do.”

“Szut! Listen!” whispered Noteworthy.

He had a point, for inside Ponyville, a crowd of minions had gathered at the main square, where a huge photo of a smiling Benz Guzman was hung; and they were saluting the photo and singing a song in their incomprehensible dialect, which translates into English something like this:

Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-na-na!

Yellow are bananas and potatoes, dearest is Benz Guzman!

Glory be to his name forever and ever! Ba-ba, ba-ba-na-na!

He’s saved our lives, raised our land to its pinnacle,

Restored the pride of the minions forever and ever!

Yellow are bananas and potatoes, dearest is Benz Guzman!

May all our children remember the good that he has done for us! Ba-ba, ba-ba-na-naaaaaa….!

“Well, well, well. So they are actually worshipping Guzman as a god now,” murmured Braeburn. “That scum really knows how to manipulate others to do his bidding. Good thing we were wise all along.”

“Now!” ordered Big McIntosh.

The six earth ponies, completely riderless, charged into Ponyville and opened fire with such daring that the minions panicked and fled in all directions, completely defensless and taken by surprise. In the confusion, some of the minions even attacked one another....

Push it, push it some more!

The Ponyville victory was an amazing one for the earth ponies; they may not have had wings or horns, but the guns provided to them by their human friends were certainly far more powerful than the crossbows used by the minions.

“That is a job well done,” said Big McIntosh; “but now is certainly not the time to rest on our laurels. We still have to take back Appleloosa after this. Prepare yourselves. I’ll text Bond.”

He took out his phone and sent a text to Bond.

We’ve rooted the entire Ponyville of its minion citizens, and are now busy trying to put everything back into proper order. Next orders awaited. Big Mac

Bond, in the meantime, was in the Rainbow Factory in Cloudsdale together with Derpy, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Spitfire, Thunderlane, and Soarin. Spitfire was very very pissed about what Rainbow Dash had done in the factory.

“So. Do you know that this is THE room that demands MAXIMUM cleanliness, Rainbow Dash?” demanded Spitfire. “And so now how are you going to compensate for pooing on the floor of THIS room, of all the rooms in here?"

“I’ll just mop it up at the most,” said Rainbow Dash.

“You mop up also no point; the room is already filled with the stench of your poo!” cried Thunderlane.

“I have an idea,” said Bond, “if you guys care to listen to me and stop your nonsense.”

The six pegasi turned around and looked at Bond. They knew by the tone of his voice that he meant business.

“Take Rainbow Dash’s poo up and pour it into the rainbow buckets,” said Bond.

“WHAT? You’re not serious are you Mr Bond??” cried Spitfire.

“You’ve gone too far this time!” roared Thunderlane.

“Listen to me first,” said Bond, “or I swear I will take the same poo by my hand and shove it up your arses.”

“You may speak,” said Spitfire, “but don’t forget, I am the mayor in these parts, and I have the power to have you hounded out of here anytime if I see such a need. Now shoot.”

“The forces of evil are still in Canterlot, according to Cartman; they’re going to be making their way past here if they want to get Ponyville,” said Bond; “because Cloudsdale lies directly above the road from Canterlot to Ponyville. By this time they should already be aware that Ponyville has been recaptured by Big Mac and his team of Earth Ponies, who will next be making their way to Appleloosa; so the minute you see Guzman and his men from here, that’s when you pour it down. Furthermore, such fertiliser as this manure is certainly going to be a waste if you throw it away; so why not put it to good use, so when you pour it down the rainbow, it will also fertilise the Ponyville soil as it goes?”

The ponies looked stunned. They knew that Bond certainly had a point.

“Mr Bond,” said Spitfire, “for once I see some good in you. Sometimes there is really no such thing as a free lunch; you do have to sacrifice one thing if you want to gain another thing. Your this idea to me sounds like a brilliant idea. All you ponies, grab Rainbow Dash’s manure and dump it into all the buckets. Don’t pour it down until I say you can. But for now, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Derpy, and Bond, the four of you may go.”

Bond jumped onto Derpy’s back. Derpy neighed out loud, and with Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy behind her, she flew out of the factory.

“What now?” asked Rainbow Dash.

“I’ve just texted Big McIntosh and told him and his team to move on to Appleloosa and recapture it,” said Bond. “Mayor Spitfire will know how to handle Benz Guzman and his men when they move down to Ponyville. In the meantime, I’ve also texted Shining Armour and told him to lead the other unicorns from the Frozen North down to Manehattan, which they will need to defend at all costs. So what we’ve got here is this — the Earth Ponies in Ponyville and Appleloosa, the Unicorns in Manehattan, and you Pegasi in Cloudsdale; we shall defend this nation at all costs!”

Meanwhile, Guzman and his men were certainly well aware about the fact that Ponyville had been recaptured by the defense teams, and Appleloosa was next. At the time the news arrived, Guzman and five of his generals were halfway down the Everfree Forest.

“Got this text from Senor Brink,” said Guzman; “says that Ponyville has been recaptured, the entire minion population has been eradicated successfully by an army of only six caballos, and we need to turn back and take the city again.”

“Caramba!” cried Diaz. “They were way too clever for us! Tell you what — I’ll go and give a call to General Staffansson, General Prada, and General Cruz!”

He went to make a phonecall to the three generals, who arrived in just a matter of five minutes via means of the magic powers that Morgana had bestowed upon them, together with an army full of minions.

“Staffansson, Cruz, go and recapture Ponyville and Appleloosa!” ordered Diaz. “We’re still trying to figure out how to get around this forest!”

“Si senor!” said Generals Staffansson and Cruz; and they set off for Ponyville with their army of minions.

“Prada, come with me,” said Guzman; “we need to bring you to see Senor Brink first, as this is your first time commanding a legion of minions. Come, I’ll take you there. General Diaz, wait here for us.”

“Si,” said Diaz.

In Canterlot Castle library, Morgana had successfully found a book which contained an article on the supposed squidlike creatures that General  Ruiz had seen. They did exist after all; the article said it this way:

The Martians, sometimes called "the Yip-Yips", are interplanetary visitors, presumed to be from the planet Mars, who are terrified by things like clocks, telephones and computers. These creatures, with squid-like tentacles, large eyes, and antennae, materialize into a room and converse with each other in their native tongue: "Yip-yip-yip-yip... Uh-huh. Uh-huh," done in monotone voices. They often come across common objects and, curious as to their names and functions, the Martians will consult a book, which they call “earth book”, presumably containing information about things on Earth.

“Ho, ho, ho! So THAT’s what General Spettro and General Ruiz saw!” laughed Morgana. “The wimps, those two of them! I’ll never once believe that we actually had such wimps among our people! They didn’t even know that they already possessed the very thing that would scare those aliens away — their mobile phone ringtones! Ah! Ah! Ah!"

She went and told Sean Brink about it. Brink was not amused. “Morgana, text your boyfriend and tell him and his friends to whip out their mobile phones the minute they see the aliens!” he ordered. Morgana obeyed promptly.

Just then, General Prada came over with Benz Guzman to report to Sean Brink. “So, any news?” demanded Brink. “Where are Cruz and Staffansson?"

“General Ramon Prada reporting for duty, senor,” said Prada. “General Cruz and General Staffansson are on the way down to Ponyville to take the city. They say they will be able to capture within just a matter of hours.”

“Very good,” said Brink; “the two of you, come with me first. Morgana has some briefings for you."

And it was during this time that Alberto had been living in the cave under Canterlot Castle, with Coatsworth the clock and Lewis the candlelabra. They had by this time already found the “bottomless pit” that Morgana had spoken of, an enormous hole in an even bigger and echoey hall right smack in the centre of the entire cave; however all three were careful not to go near it. They had been moving through the entire cave for the past few days, looking for an exit route.

“Rescue still hasn’t come,” lamented Alberto; “and it’s been almost a week now. I am getting concerned for my pony friends.”

“We’ll just keep going on,” Coatsworth reassured him; “anyways that’s exactly what we’ve been doing all the while. We’ll be nearing an escape very soon, I hope.”

It was Lewis who suddenly claimed to have found the exit route.

“There’s something kinda hollow above here,” he said. “I lit one of my sticks and just tapped up there.” He tapped on it again. BOM! BOM! BOM! “Voila, you see, that’s clear-cut hollow.”

“Let’s see if it will move,” said Alberto. “The two of you can help me to push the stone.”

“Ready!” called Lewis, as Alberto and Coatsworth put their hands and head respectively against the apparently hollow cave wall above. “1! 2! 3! HEAVE!”

The stone bulged a little.

“Splendid!” cried Lewis. “Push it, push it, some more!

Stone, we want to make you sweat,

Sweat till you can’t sweat no more;

We’re gonna make you cry out,

We, we’re gonna push it, push it some more!

So the three of them sang as they heaved the stone continually. It kept bulging…. then it moved a significant bit….. and broke right through the FLOOR of the great hall in Canterlot Castle — and were caught red-handed by General Prada, General Staffansson, General Cruz, Morgana, and Sean Brink!!!

“What the…..??” gasped Alberto, as he gaped into the faces of the enemies he knew only FAR too well….

The Caverns of the North

James Bond opened his eyes and found himself in a very weird place. It looked like a cavern, and one with lots of ice at that. He remembered vaguely that he had been on the way to his armory in Liverpool to get arms so he could go to Washington to find out the truth about Guzman’s escape…. but now what was he doing here in this damn freezing cavern?? Crikey, he said to himself, but I have a feeling I’m not in Banbury anymore.

"What the fuck am I doing here?” he cried.

“That’s what I’d like to know myself,” came a voice from behind him.

Bond turned and saw two other people, a Bolivian man and an American boy, walking up to him.

“I’m Alberto,” said the man.

“And I’m Cartman,” said the boy.

“How come you guys ended up here?” asked Bond.

“We don’t know either,” said Alberto; “but it’s kind of… er… miraculous, if you ask me.”

“Would you ever imagine a tornado so strong that it could make your house levitate like high up in the air, then next thing you know, you’re in the middle of this big and almost icy river?” said Cartman, indicating to a lake of ice just a few steps behind.

“And would you ever imagine yourself driving down a dangerous mountainous road, and somehow falling into a ravine…. and waking up to find yourself on a ledge in a cave, with a river of ice below?” said Alberto, indicating to a ledge about 20 feet above the said lake of ice. “I am very lucky my jump from there did not kill me."

“Well my story is equally incredible,” said Bond, surprised that his two new-found friends had had similar experiences. “I was, like, driving to my armory to get stuff. No tornados, no ravines; just rainy weather and ghostly-looking impersonating cars. Next thing I know, visibility is literally zero, maybe even sub-zero, for what seems like an eternity…. and I wake up to find myself on the dry floor of this freezing cavern."

“In any case,” said Cartman, “it’s really miraculous and inexplicable as to why we ended up here.”

“Perhaps not after I tell you the truth,” came a feminine, neighing voice from behind them.

The three unlikely heroes turned around. A grey pegasus mare trotted slowly up to them. She had a wall-eyed appearance and a brown mailbag around her neck. Alberto recognised her at once.

“Derpy!” he cried. “How come you’re here?”

“Who is this…” began Cartman.

“Shut up, Cartman; Alberto knows this pony, let him handle her,” Bond scolded Cartman.

“Derpy, how come you’re here?” Alberto asked Derpy. “And why did we, the three of us from three different worlds, end up here today?"

“Equestria has been conquered and subdued by the Socialist Peronistas' Association of Reliable Kindred who Love Equines,” said Derpy. “Me and my fellow ponies have all been hiding in this cave in the Frozen North of Equestria. It is the only safe place for us now if we want to avoid the forces of Professor Smith and his forces. Professor Smith is the manager in charge of the Peronistas, and he has every intention of killing us — and you too, if you refuse to submit to his authority.”

“Listen, Derpy, we can’t be of much help to you this time; we’re actually on very important missions ourselves,” said Alberto.

“Alberto, I fully understand you,” said Derpy; “but you have to know this: if you don’t liberate Equestria from the Peronistas, you will not be able to liberate your world from the forces of evil, against which you are on sponsored missions. Whatever happens in Equestria, will affect what will happen on Earth, so

if you really are serious about whichever missions you and your pals are on, I suggest you attack the problem at its roots.”

“So what will we have to do before we go back to Earth?” asked Bond.

“Come with me,” said Derpy. “All three of you.”

She took the three heroes to a separate section of the cave. The cave itself was like a labyrinth, full of twists and turns, so much so that one could easily get lost; but thankfully, like all equines (and many other four-footed animals at that), Derpy had a strong sense of smell, so she could easily sniff her way to the right place.

Eventually they came to this section of the cave, where ten other ponies were resting: Applejack, Braeburn, Big McIntosh, Snips, Snails, Pipsqueak, Noteworthy, Shining Armour, Rarity, and Pinkie Pie.

“I am sure, Alberto, you recognise them all,” smiled Derpy.

“I do indeed,” said Alberto. “They’re all asleep?”

“Yeah,” said Derpy; “and I was told to keep awake to watch for you all. Don’t worry; the Peronistas can NEVER find their way inside here.”

“What about the rest of the pegasi? Are you the only one?” asked Alberto.

“They flew to Cloudsdale for refuge,” said Derpy; “I remained here because I’m the pony who knows you humans best, and hence it was me who had to help the unicorns use their limited powers to summon you guys here to help. Try as they may, the Peronistas won’t be able to fly to Cloudsdale, because it is so high that the sun’s heat can easily melt their hang-gliders and make them fall."

“The thing is this,” said Bond. “We will be able to help you all defeat the Peronistas. However, we won’t be able to do so without your help.”

“Meaning that we’ll need you all to help us,” said Cartman. “Don’t worry, we will strategise. What about this way — we do a roll call, each time we go out to take on the Peronistas, the three of us will mount three of you, and each time you all will take turns to give us mounts?”

Derpy knew what the three humans were hinting at: They needed horseback transport. She nodded. “Sure thing,” she said. “I think Big McIntosh, Snails, and myself can give you guys mounts first.”

Big McIntosh and Snails happened to wake up then, and they trotted slowly up to them. “Good idea, Derpy,” said Big McIntosh; “we’ll start off that way.”

“Yeah,” agreed Snails; “we will subdue them this time!”

“Now,” said Derpy, addressing Alberto, Bond, and Cartman, “the oath!”

Alberto put his hand forward. “All for one!” he cried.

“And one for all!” replied Bond and Cartman, stretching forth their hands in turn. “YEAH!

What is love you give? I’ll be your man of good faith!

When it’s love you live, I’ll make a stand through the rain;

I’ll be the rock you can build on.

Be there when you’re old, to have and to hold!

When it’s love inside, I swear I’ll always be strong.

When it’s a reason why, I’ll prove to you I’ll belong;

I’ll be the one to protect you.

From the wind and the rain, from the hurt and the pain!

And so singing, they mounted Big Mac and Snails and Derpy, and started off on out of the cavern.

The first battle they had to fight was already one of the toughest. To kick it off, all of them gathered on the edge of one of the mountains in the Frozen North. Alberto, being the most familiar with Equestria of the three travellers, had to do a lot of the strategising.

“The idea,” he said, “is to find out where Professor Smith is hiding. From here, I’m sure we can get a pegasus’s eye view of most of Equestria. From what we can gather, it would be far too risky to go down into the valleys and get massacred for nothing by Professor Smith’s men. As you can see, they’ve raised a red flag with a sickle and a smiling sun everywhere they’ve conquered — Ponyville, Canterlot, Appleloosa; and they seem to be moving north-north-eastward toward Manehattan next, from what I can see. These people are certainly pretty formidable fighters on land. Can they do sea fighting or air fighting?” he asked.

“I think they’re adept at just about everything,” said Derpy. “I heard that they have hang-gliders; one of them was using a hangglider to fly up to Canterlot to capture Princess Twilight Sparkle and Spike. And hence it wouldn’t be surprising if they were to take over Cloudsdale next, though they have not yet done so.”

“Then in that case,” said Bond, “we shall go to Cloudsdale first and alert the pegasi therein.”

“Good idea!” said Derpy. “This is what we’ll do then: Me and Bond will go up to Cloudsdale to alert the pegasi. Big Mac, Snails, Alberto, and Cartman, stay down here, get back into the cave, and wait our return.”

“Si!” said Big Mac, Snails, Alberto, and Cartman, in unison.