Twilight Writes Fanfiction

by Burritoburger

First published January 1st, 1970 00:00

Over the last few decades, Equestria has made some interesting discoveries. Of these many discoveries was the internet, a global source of knowledge and information that would soon become the source of the abandonment of all libraries across the nation.
Of course, Princess Twilight Sparkle could care less. She has her own library.
But on the day of her birthday, the only thing she requested was to have a relaxing day, one of peace and quiet, one she can relax all her royal duties.
She soon learns the mistake she makes.
To compensate for her crushing boredom, she decides to write.
On the internet.
With her amazing self insert donut steel original character.
(Rated Teen for Explicit Language)
(Cover artist not found D:)
(Characters shown in character list may change over time)
This is my first attempt at a REAL comedy story. I'm basically taking a shot in the dark, so some constructive criticism would be helpful.

Chapters

Birthday Blues
Twilight Discovers Fanfiction

Birthday Blues
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Twilight Writes Fanfiction

Birthday Blues

Out of all the seasons, Summer is highly discussed as the most boring of the four. While this is in most cases true, through deep thought and analysis, many prefer it this way. All except Princess Twilight Sparkle, believably the most analytical and practical pony in all of Equestria. Of course, a few decades doesn't help the I-wish-I-didn't-have-wings-so-nobody-can-stop-me-from-jumping-off-this-damn-building-out-of-sheer-mind-numbing-boredom attitude that comes as bonus shipping with being a Princess, along with the wings, and potential horn.

It was only a few months ago. Twilight had recently been put in charge of fourteen organized business operations, from building a pretty-looking museum that will get totally over-hyped and result in a catastrophic disappointment, to stopping the group of edgy teenagers who thought it would be cool if they threw animals into a volcano as a sacrificial gift to the Almighty Honey Badger. Throughout these business trips, Twilight only had two things on her mind: The wonderful vacation she'd have relaxing at the beach and spending time alone with no business to attend to, and the rest of her time arguing that sacrificing Honey Badgers seemed highly unorthodox.

With this in mind, Twilight requested to her mentor, Princess Celestia, if she could spend her summer on a sort of vacation, as her birthday falls within that time period. Princess Celestia had no choice but to agree, as Twilight's continuous spree of sleepless nights and skyrocketing Red Bull sales had visibly shattered her mental spirit, and she grew progressively worse at handling the most casual of situations. For instance, she once got mad at her toothbrush because she claimed it drank all her Red Bull.

So as soon as the summer arrived, Twilight slept. For three and a half days. When she woke up, she found all her Red Bull was missing from her room. Despite the Royal Janitor explaining the ant infestation that came with the countless piles of sugary drinks, Twilight still disposed of her toothbrush. Then she slept for another week.

After that, she woke up, feeling the peppiest of her entire life. She decided maybe she should go out, to a beach, or a carnival, or just do something plain adventurous!

Instead, she stayed in her bedroom, lying halfway off her bed, clicking her tongue against the top of her mouth. She continued this routine for another three hours. It was at this point she realized that her worst nightmare had come to fruition: she was bored.

Twilight knew the Princess would deny her request to go back into work, it was too late. So she sat there. Regretting, for the first time in her life, regretting taking a break from her painstaking job.

She starting missing her old life. She missed her work. She missed her Red Bull. And as much as she was afraid to admit, she missed her toothbrush.

But it was on this moment she happened to glance at her old, dusty computer, sitting in the corner of the room.

The computer was here when Twilight got here. Being recently invented about two decades ago, the computer wasn't very interesting for Twilight. As a matter of fact, it was brand new, but she hadn't touched the thing since her first arrival. She stared at the thing for many dastardly minutes, gazing onto the black monitor of which was completely covered in a blanket of dust. Finally, she slid off of her bed, hitting the ground with a hollow thunk. Twilight groaned, and slowly lifted herself up. Upon arriving at the machine, she brought a chair over and blew at all the dust. It flew into the air, and then into her mouth and eyes. Twilight violently coughed and gagged, while rubbing the dust out of her eyes.

Eventually she was able to defeat the cloud of dust and triumphantly stared at her monitor. But it didn't do anything. She poked it. It did nothing. Scratching her head, Twilight bent down to the computer and pressed a tiny button labeled with a power symbol. A satisfying beep rang out and Twilight leaned back up to the monitor, smiling. After about five seconds, Twilight then growled in slight frustration. She checked everything until she noticed a power button on the monitor. After pressing that button, the screen blinked into life.

It was obvious any machine that required two buttons to turn on was not Twilight's favorite, as she argued with nobody in her head on how unfathomably stupid this design flaw was.

Nevertheless, Twilight was set on achieving this goal; there was nothing else to do, anyway.

Having somewhat some form of prior knowledge to technology of this caliber (Gaming Luna headcanon really helped with that), Twilight knew that in order to move the cursor, you must move the mouse. So she did. And to her surprise, it worked. She moved it to click on the internet browser. To her surprise, it worked.

Anything resulting after that moment is not necessary to the plot and has therefore been cut out.

So after days and days of internet browsing, Twilight decided that she could totally waste her life with this.

And that's exactly what she planned to do.

Twilight Discovers Fanfiction
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Twilight Writes Fanfiction

Twilight Discovers Fanfiction

It's been an eventful few weeks for Twilight. The one thing she's been doing for a decade or so was free from her, she discovered the internet, and the many atrocities that came with it. For better or for worse, she learned to navigate it without the constant urge to drink a gallon of bleach ringing in her head every second. With this survival knowledge, she treated it well, and even thought it to be entertaining at many points.

However, Twilight still couldn't seem to get the satisfaction she needed. Was it because she's been staring at the same cat videos for three days straight in a dark room save a bright monitor filling the eyes of the willing? Or is it because she hasn't watched enough cat videos?

No, Twilight knew exactly what was missing. It's one thing to watch a Pop-tart cat fart rainbows, it's another to MAKE a Pop-tart cat fart rainbows. Of all the things Twilight felt she couldn't do on the series of tubes that is the internet, the one thing she felt she was powerless at was contribution. The want to fit in with the crowd, the want to be known, the want to do something rather than nothing.

And she was at a loss.

What could she do? Twilight didn't have a camera, nor was she willing enough to leave her seat to fetch one. She had no faith in video games, they were just ways to distract one from the real problem that is life and its cruel chains of torment and everlasting imprisonment. Out of the many different ways Twilight could contribute to the vast population of those who browse the internet, Twilight couldn't find one thing she was somewhat experienced at, nothing to show off, absolutely nothing...

And then Twilight found fanfiction.

Fanfiction was fairly simple: over time, individuals become a devoted fan of some form of pop culture (Television show, video game, etc., etc.) and want to voice their ideas and opinions on the subject, or they just want to write out their headcanon and claim it to be legitimate. The more Twilight searched, the more she found. Including a particular website whose name will be redacted in order to fit the criteria of submittable stories on said website.

Twilight noted with concern that she was nowhere near as shocked as expected to the fact that there was an entire website dedicated to writing sappy second-person love stories and the terrible original character algorithm of I'm-the-god-of-the-universe-now-have-my-babies revolving all around her general lifestyle.

She blinked once. Then again.

Yet for some reason, she didn't find it at all surprising. It was fiction, after all.

In the end, she shrugged and continued on the exploration of this uncharted territory.

And explore she did.

The first thing Twilight wanted to read was something good. So, of course, searching stories in the 'Romance' section, making 'OC' as the mainest of characters, and putting the rating to 'Mature' was the best idea.

She liked what she saw.

Heroic acts of bravery, resulting in a committed relationship with a canon pony, led by an almighty black and red alicorn who controls the power of the multiverse (and is over nine-thousand times stronger than the Princesses combined) was an idea that just got Twilight really going.

What she didn't understand was the hate they were receiving.

Of the many she read, everyone claimed that their character was some guy named 'Gary Stu' when their name in the story was obviously 'Shadow Vortex.' Twilight thought the ability to have amazing powers like Shadow Vortex was, in short, badass.

So, the obvious course of action is to find out what the readers enjoy.

After hours of searching for the little 'statistics' button at the bottom of the page, Twilight discovered one of the most highly 'favorite-ed' story on the website. Hilariously enough, it was a story about a very young Rainbow Dash being discovered by a 'human' (whatever that was). Over time, as she got older, the human was having fatherly problems and felt it completely necessary to keep the technicolor pony away from the outside world because "The government will take her away!" When they'd actually compliment on how good of a cosplay it is, throw their half drank beer in the trash, or both.

Twilight didn't enjoy it, that's for sure. Rather than enjoying it for what it was, she looked at the story at a logical standpoint and found many loopholes. Including (but not limited to): "How would he be able to get the money from his dead-end job?" Or, "How does nobody notice when she flies around the park and stuff?"

So, Twilight looked at her options.

Either go down her own path of her original character's righteous power, or give the masses what they want and create a sappy, illogical story about edgy characters and their little grey ball that they call 'home.'

In the end, Twilight said "Screw it," and decided to go down the former path.