It was a beautiful day in Equestria. And I don’t mean a sun-beating-down-from-a-cloudless-sky, no-hint-of-wind, oppressively-orderly-and-static kind of a beautiful day either. It was genuinely the sort of day that makes you want to play outside like you used to when you were nine years old, have a picnic, and take a nap under a tree. It was one of those days when it is almost painful to be inside. And yet, some ponies didn’t seem to have noticed, and were still hard at work indoors.
“Whatchya doin’, Twilight?”
It had once been the case that if Twilight were in an otherwise unoccupied room, facing the only entrance, and were suddenly greeted by a voice behind her, she would be quite shocked. After knowing Pinkie for over a year, she practically expected it. “Just some more genealogical research. I’ve been tracing my family tree; I’ve even found one ancestor who lived almost a millennium and a half ago! Her name was Glimmershine and she was apparently a member of the aristocracy, though I haven’t been able to find any other information on her so far.”
“Glimmershine? That sounds familiar . . .” Pinkie jumped into the air and did a swan dive into the pile of scrolls that Twilight had collected for reference, quickly disappearing completely except for the occasional faint rustle from somewhere deep beneath the surface. This was particularly impressive since the pile of scrolls was only about a foot deep.
Just as Twilight was getting to the best part of her daydream about figuring Pinkie out (the ceremony where she got an honorary doctorate in everything from every university in Equestria was quite grand, but whatever Star Swirl was about to tell her about how he had travelled through time specifically to find her was sure to be even better), Pinkie emerged with a tattered scroll. In fact, Twilight was sure that this scroll was far older than anything she had borrowed from the Canterlot Archive (which only lent out copies of documents, anyway) for her research.
“Where did you get that?” Twilight asked in amazement.
Pinkie, however, did not appear to be listening, as she was very focused on finding the right part of the scroll. “AHA! Here it is! ‘Glimmershine, daughter of Metal Shine and Princess.’”
“Let me see that!” Twilight grabbed the scroll with her magic and brought it so close to her face it was a wonder she could focus on it at all. “Wait, this doesn’t even have a name. All it says is “Princess.” Fifteen hundred years ago, that could have been either Princess Celestia or Princess Luna. How are we supposed to know which one this is referring to?”
“Why don’t we ask them?”
And so Pinkie and Twilight set off to Canterlot to learn which princess Twilight was descended from.
Almost 1500 years ago
Metal Shine loved his job. He was Captain of the Royal Guard, and that meant he had all the perks. Good foods, fine wines, luxurious living quarters, exorbitant salary; if you could name it, he could have it. And the devotion to Princesses and country that had first inspired him to join the Guard still brought him great satisfaction in his service. Best of all, though, was the fact that mares love a stallion in armor, and his armor was the shiniest in all the land (and his chiseled physique certainly didn’t hurt). Everypony from the lowliest jenny to the Princesses themselves had a crush on him, and he couldn’t dream of anything better than the attention.
However, at this particular moment in time, he was dreaming of going on an adventure with a talking rutabaga, because at this moment in time Celestia was only just raising the sun and he was still asleep. But this was no ordinary dawn, for this dawn began his second year as Guard Captain, which meant that, according to the ancient treaty of the Royal Pony Sisters, he was now available for either of the Princesses to woo.
“We claim the right of dibs on Metal Shine!” Celestia yelled as soon as the sun was fully above the horizon.
“Thou canst not have dibs; We have already claimed it,” Luna replied. “‘Twas just past the midpoint of Our night. The entire Night Court heard Us.”
“’T-Tis true, Your Highness,” somepony whom Celestia presumed to be the bravest member of Luna’s court said with a surprising amount of confidence. The last time she had brought a member of her court to an argument, he had spent almost five minutes trying to get two sentences out. She wondered if it would be worth the inevitable escalation to invoke the fact that he technically served her as well and bring him into the Day Court, just so she wouldn’t be left without a witness again. Last time had been pretty embarrassing.
“Suck it, sister!” Luna added, breaking Celestia out of her contemplation.
“’Tis no matter; thou didst claim too soon. ‘Twas not Metal Shine’s second year until Our sun did clear the horizon. Thou couldst not call dibs when thou didst.”
“Nay, ‘tis at midnight that the second year did begin. Such is how time has always been divided. Our dibs was first, and thine is invalid.”
“Yet Metal Shine was not promoted at midnight. Why then should his second year begin at midnight?”
“Metal Shine was in fact promoted after Your noon, Your Highness,” the member of Luna’s court put forth in a misguided attempt to be helpful.
“THOU ART DISMISSED!” both Princesses shouted back in unison, breaking several windows as they verged on the Royal Canterlot Voice.
“If no agreement can be found,” Luna offered once they were alone, “then let us compete.”
“If thou wishest a more public defeat, then so be it.”
“Thou shalt be the one suffering humiliation when Metal Shine declareth his love for Us!”
Celestia, in the manner of older siblings throughout time and space, simply left the room as if she had not heard Luna’s last remark. After fuming briefly, Luna kicked out one of the remaining windows and flew away to sulk and plan.
And so the war to win Metal began. The first tactic, of course, was simple flirtation. Coy looks, swishing tails, and “accidentally” bumping against him were immediately deployed by both sides. When he didn’t seem to notice, they stepped up their game.
Celestia ordered him to guard her while she ate a candlelight dinner, and insisted “for his comfort” that he eat as well. Luna had to steal him away, though, to deal with an army of griffons that had been sighted a few hours outside Canterlot. The griffons were apparently scared off by the force he led to meet them, though, since he never saw them.
Luna demanded he guard her while she composed a poem about how large and cold her royal bed was, since she was all alone in it. It was over five hundred lines long. When she retired that morning, she found that Celestia had helpfully had her bed replaced with one much smaller.
Celestia had him help her practice her dancing. Specifically, she felt she was rusty on the slowest and most romantic dances. Sadly, the band mysteriously fell into a deep sleep, and could not be woken for a full day, even by Luna’s mastery of sleep-related magic.
Luna required him as a guard while she did her weekly tail exercises. Apparently when you have a starry, ethereal mane, it is very important that you exercise by raising and lowering it at least a hundred times a week, and while she normally did them alone in her room just before going to sleep, today she wanted to do them in the courtyard where she could appreciate her sister’s dawn. Fortunately, Celestia saw them and cast a one-way opaque shield around Luna so she could be safe, fit, and modest while enjoying the sun.
Celestia requested his service as her guard while she surveyed the old catacombs. Most of the passages down there were so narrow that Metal was forced to walk directly behind her. Luna, tragically, did not hear about her sister’s plan in time to remind her that the catacombs hadn’t been cleaned in centuries, and that anypony foolish enough to venture there would quickly acquire a thick, disgusting coating of cobwebs.
Luna woke him before dawn to inform him that he would have the honor of being her consort today, and to prepare his subordinates to operate without him. But, to her great embarrassment, Celestia’s magic slipped while she was raising the sun and a beam of concentrated sunlight hit him directly in the face. She personally rushed him to the castle’s hospital, but even the best doctors could only do so much, and he would need to remain there for two full days so they could make sure he healed properly.
The competition went on for over a month, escalating all the while, and Metal never displayed any interest in either princess beyond the unquestioning loyalty one would expect from a good Royal Guard. Eventually, it got to the point that the Princesses couldn’t take it anymore. They cornered him and demanded a final answer.
“Thou hadst kept us waiting long enough,” Luna declared. “The time hath come that thou makest a choice.”
“Yes, tellest this nag that We are thy one true love,” Celestia commanded.
“Nag? Thou art two centuries older than Us! If We be a nag, then surely thou beest far more decrepit.”
Metal appeared quite unhappy to be caught in the middle of this argument, though both sisters were far too focused on their squabbling to care.
“Some ponies age with grace, such as Us. Some ponies are pickle-faced monstrosities by their fifth century, such as thou.”
“We will show thou pickle-faced monstrosity, thou fart-brained buffoon!”
At this point, the confrontation might have turned physical, if Metal hadn’t been kind enough to try to sneak away while the Princesses were distracted. Before he had made it five feet, he found himself lifted by twin magical auras and brought back.
“Thou must choose one of us,” the sisters said in unison.
Metal looked at the two extremely powerful mares, neither of whom seemed very sane at the moment, and either of whom could send him to the dungeons for the rest of his life (which could end up being a very short time). He took a deep breath, and then he spoke.
“Neither of us,” said Celestia.
Twilight and Pinkie had gone to Canterlot as planned, and though Celestia had been surprised to see Twilight, she was always happy to make time for her former student, especially when she came with a question that was too important to ask by mail and required Luna’s presence. They had all gotten together for dinner (breakfast for Luna), and then Pinkie had been convinced to give them some privacy while Twilight showed the scroll and asked which princess she was descended from. After a moment’s consideration, Celestia had given her answer.
“I do remember Metal Shine. Sadly, Luna lost a great deal of memories when I had to banish her, so she probably does not remember enough to contribute to this conversation. But I can tell you that he was the Captain of the Royal Guard for a while. He did the position proud; his strength, determination, and loyalty were not soon matched after he retired.”
“He was quite the specimen of stallionhood indeed,” Luna muttered.
Celestia’s wing whacked the back of Luna’s head. “Sorry, involuntary muscle twitch.” She returned to her story. “But despite his many good qualities, it would have been wrong for either of us to pursue a romantic relationship with him. It’s one thing when the relationship was already there, as in the case of your brother and Cadance, but for one of us to try to start a relationship with a direct subordinate . . . the potential for an abuse of power, whether on foolish impulse or by accident, is too great. We knew better than to risk that.”
“Is this scroll a lie, then?”
“No. Metal Shine actually married a baroness who was named Princess. Many of the families that claim descent from Princess Platinum used to do that occasionally. She was a pleasant mare; very grounded despite her name.”
“I bet she had social diseases,” muttered Luna.
Celestia’s wing whacked Luna again. “Oh, my wing certainly has a mind of its own this evening, doesn’t it. So sorry about that.” Turning back to Twilight, she continued, “Anyway, that’s all there is to hear about Metal Shine and us. It’s not much of a story, I’m afraid.”
“That’s okay. I’d rather have the truth, whether or not it makes a good story. And it’s good to know for sure whether I’m descended from either of you.” Twilight tried to hide her disappointment as she spoke the last sentence, for of course she had gotten her hopes up that Celestia actually was her 59-times-great grandmother.
“It doesn’t matter whether or not we’re related by blood, Twilight. You will always be like family to me, no matter what.”
Pinkie sensed the heartwarming moment (or perhaps had been eavesdropping), and burst back into the room to give everypony a group hug. And everything was right with the world.
