The Survivor in a... Weird Land

by PrincessLunaTheGamer

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Adventure
Length: 4311

A survivor in an apocalyptic future is shot, and sent to Equestria with his childhood toy turtle, his trusty glock, and his knife. Also Princess Mollestia.

A survivor from a post apocalyptic wasteland was killed and sent to Equestria. At first, it seems like the perfect paradise from the hellish place he was in. Then he learns not is all as it seems, and that some secrets are better left as just that: secrets.
EDIT: In the future, I will probably rewrite or fix the first few chapters.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-27 03:27:19 UTC

Seriously, is it Tuesday?

   I walked down the abandoned street, with old husks of cars and old homes sagging, some having fallen down. I weave my way through what once was a street with people walking down, children playing and having fun. Now, it wasn't so cheery. The pavement was cracked, with weeds growing in them, along with several trees to help demolish the street. I slowly walked down the street, before I heard a howl.

Wolves these day were quite hostile, and travelled in large packs. I only had five mags (I got it right, critics! Mags! Not clips!) for my glock 17 and my knife. I ran to the most secure looking building. I had to pick the lock to the sun room, before slowly opening the door. It creaked, but not too badly. It still annoyed me though. I went into the living room, with a ceiling fan, and two chairs to the left and right arranged in a semicircle facing the tv in the corner, with one in the middle.

There was a familiar looking faded and ripped ottoman in front of both the tv and chairs. I went into the dining room, which had a set up monitor and computer, and another monitor and computer which were sitting in the corner next to a filing cabinet. There were two desks, one with the computer and monitor that had one small drawer and a cabinet to the computer. The other one was yellow, with four drawers and three sliding doors. In the middle was a dining table with four chairs, and to the left of it was a hutch.

I pilfered the kitchen for food, coming up with some stale chips, breakfast bars, and a Jenny Chang Pad Thai. I went upstairs. Ignoring the basement for now. The first room I went in and I had massive déjà vue. It was pretty much covered in pink, with a small bookcase, closet, and a... I forget. I haven't seen one in a while. I opened one of the drawers and was greeted with shirts. Ok... I went into the next room, which had two beds in it, with a closet, and the two clothes drawers, although these were smaller and went up, not sideways.

I opened the one closest to the door, and saw some shirts. I opened the one farther away and was hit with nostalgia and childhood memories. Staring at me was my very first Brony shirt. I looked around, and saw on my bed, the one next to the window and bookcase, Shelvin, my toy turtle. He looked no worse than when I last saw him. I went over and put him on my pack.

What? You're never to old for toys. (You guys might hate this part.) A white hole appeared next to me, with who I assumed to be Deadpool in it.

"You really are never old enough for toys! Look at me! I have a bunch in my apartment, and I use them all the time!" He said.

I facepalmed. "Go away!" The author shouted in Deadpool's mind.

"Fine." The hole disappeared and I shook my head right before I heard the pop of a silenced sniper rifle and an impact in my chest. I heard another shot, this one from an M4A1 carbine that shredded the weakened wall and my chest to shreds. I didn't get to see it of course, I was already dead. After seeing some white light, and ignoring it, because I could, for some reason, I saw one other side tunnel that I went through.

A bright light and a pounding headache later, I was in the Canterlot Throne room, in front of Luna, who had a dark blue coat, and dark blue, flowing mane with what looked like stars in it, her tail the same way. Her cutie mark was the moon. She was looking at me in surprise. Celestia was looking at me with a gaze that woman ready to rape someone gave. She had a rainbow mane and tail, both flowing, with a white coat and a sun cutie mark.

"I should run, shouldn't I?" I asked Luna. She nodded.

"You're calling the guards, right?" She nodded again.

"Can you replace that window?" I pointed at the one with Spike holding the Crystal Heart. Luna looked at me suspiciously then nodded.

"Great! Adios amigos!" I ran and jumped through the window, before realizing that it may have been a bad idea. I was free falling to the ground, a few thousand feet below.

"FUUUUUUCK MEEEEE!!!" I manage to scream, before a rainbow blur got me and ask,"Are yo-" The Pegasus dropped me again.

"GODDAMNIT!!" I hit a cloud.

"OW!" I kept on falling, before a purple aura surrounded me and slowed my fall so that I could survive if something cushioned my fall. The something was Bluebood.

"Thanks for the save!" I yelled to the group of the two earth ponies, two unicorn, and two Pegasus.

(

"Blueblood, if you die, you made me happy!" I ran away, the royal guards having found me.

A/N Yeah, I was on my iPad at the time, and I'm not that fast of a typer with it.

What. The. Heck

"I just had to land in the throne room. Right in front of the the princesses! With the blood still on my shirt!"

Oh yeah, I'm wearing a grey shirt, with black pants, with bloodstains. I also have tattoos from when I DJ'ed. They were the cutie marks of the mane six, covered with scars and my shirt, on my right arm, with the background six, (Carrot Top, Bon Bon, Lyra, Doctor Whooves, Derpy/ Ditzy, Octavia, Viynl Scratch/ DJ Pony, in that order.) Also covered by scars and my shirt. I heard a voice in front of the dead-end ally, because I'm stupid, I was hiding in. The voice was saying,"I sense a big one! The Royal Guard aren't any fun to molest anymore, and you just sit all day and stare at videogames!"

I do the only thing that I could think of: Run out and hope they don't use magic. I run as fast as I can, before being picked up by a golden aura. "Luna! Please! Help! I'll do anything! ANYTHING!!"  I shouted desperately, falling around, trying to escape Celestia. "Tia! Let him go!" She said.

"I will take your offer. I hope you're good at videogames." She smirked.

I pulled out my old headset. "It's been a while."

She clapped her hooves before noticing the condition my headset was in. "What? You think I could keep it clean and shiny in an apocalyptic wasteland?" I asked.

She stares at me. "I might need a new one. Custom design though. As long as I don't have to go near Celestia, anything will do."

I was then levitated in an aura of cobalt blue magic before following Luna down the street. "That headset shall not enter our house! It will be fixed, or a new one shall be bought!" She yelled, almost hitting me into the electronics store wall. I could feel the edge of the wall.

"If you would set me down?" I asked, receiving a few glances from nearby ponies.

Walking into the store, I got a lot more glances, and a few glares, along with some peo- ponies, staring at me. Following Luna, we came across the impressive gaming section. It had been years since I had seen anything related to games besides my headset and the occasional poster or disc.

"That is a lot of gaming things." I said, before pulling out my headset. I didn't want to leave it, because it had bent group pretty much everything with me. It might be crappy, but it at least looked stylish. A line of sound vibrating went across the top of it, connecting the two subwoofers on the earmuffs parts, because I'm not a scientist, with a record above it. "How about we just repair this one?" I asked hopefully.

Luna looked at me like I was crazy. "No! Another one shall be bought!" I shook my head.

"No! This one shall be repaired!" The shouting drew the attention of two employees.

"Could you pl-" they stared at me and Luna in shock. Me, because I shouted at the Princess. Luna, because she was Luna. She stared at me. "What? I like this headset perfectly fine! I mean really!" I was annoyed.

Besides, I'm pretty sure it just needed to have some wires fixed. "Do you knowwho you're talking too?" One of the employees asked.

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean I can't say things like," I stuck my knife in the wall ,"Looks like he," I put on my sunglasses, "Got the point of the matter! Yeeeeeeeaaaahhh!"

The two ponies and the alicorn looked at me. "That was the worst pun I have ever heard." The Princess said.

"Then fix my headset, or you get to hear more of them!" I said.

She nodded frantically. "Ok ok!" I nodded in satisfaction, before looking at the two employees.

"Do you know anyone who can fix up probably more than a few busted wires?" I asked them.

The two attendents shoot their heads. "How do you not kn-" One of the two cut me off. "We use something called spell matrixes."

I sighed. "Give it an overhaul, but if I find anything different, or, return to find it destroyed, you'll get a really mad, armed guy, at your doorstep." I growled, leaving the store.

Luna turned to me. "We- I must go raise the moon. One of my guards shall accompany you." She disappeared in a flash of blue light.

"Seriously? You have any good bars around here?" I asked the guard.

He just stared at me. "What?" I looked down.

"Oooooohh. You know any good designers in the area?" He kept on staring at me.

"Snap out of it!" I snapped my fingers in his face.

That got his attention. "Is there anywhere I can get a good shirt?" I asked again.

He shook his head. "Know of any good bars?" He nodded.

"Will you talk to me?" I asked again. "Sure." He replied in a deep voice.

"But how'd you get those scars?" He asked.

"These are normal from where I come from. Now, where's the bar?" We started walking down the street filled with ponies.

"Why does everyone here have clothes on? I mean, they aren't exactly naked." I said, before tripping on the back of a hoof.

"Oof!" Face, meet the ground. Ground, meet face. This seemed vaguely familiar.

  "Oh darling, I am so sorry!" A voice said next to me.

"Next time," I grumbled, "try to avoid tripping someone." I got up, which is where you can guess, Rarity fell down on a 'drama couch.'

"What? Somethin' wrong here?" I was getting annoyed.

Rarity got up and spoke. "No, it's just that horrendous clothing! This is a crime against fashion! This must be fixed!" She said, pulling at my hand with her hoof.

"One, how does that even work? Two, no good fashion designers?" I raised an eyebrow at the guard, who followed.

"How was I supposed to know she was coming?" "She's one of the most famous fashion designers and you didn't know?" I asked, still walking along.

Before he could respond, Rarity asked what was on my arm. "These? They're tattoos." Rarity looked at me.

"I mean, why is there my cutie mark on your arm? Along with the rest of my friends? And Bon bon's, and Lyra's and Time Turner, Derpy, Octavia and Vinyl?" She asked me.

"Don't worry bout it. Besides, you still haven't looked at my hands." I grinned.

We got to where Rarity was staying. I held them out, palm up. On the left side, it said, 'I made you a bass,' but on the right, it said, 'But I dropped it.' She stared. "How many of those things do you have!?" She asked, looking horrified.

"My whole back is covered. I ran out of room on my arm for the videogames." I shrugged.

"But can we go to wherever you were taking me? Specifically, wherever you live in when in Canterlot?" I asked with a grin.

"And I need to avoid Celestia." I shivered. "Her new name is now Molestia." Rarity just looked at me in that 'whatever are you talking about?' Way.

"Here we are! We also avoid the palace when we come here. With Luna gaming and Celestia you know... We live here!" I looked around.

In the living room was a coffee table with a couch behind it, a tv on the wall, and a small kitchen next to it. The kitchen had an island, with cabinets and a fridge. Twilight was sitting on the couch reading, Applejack and Rainbow Dash were arm wrestling in the kitchen, Fluttershy was hiding from me behind the coffee table, and Pinkie Pie was... Where was Pinkie Pie? The answer was: behind me with a party cannon. Instincts kicked in, and I had my glock in my hand, sliding over the island, interrupting the arm wrestling, and knocking over some dishes. Twilight stared, Fluttershy eep'ed, Rainbow Dash flew up to me with Applejack and said, "Hey! Why did you interrupt our arm wrestling!"

Pinkie was in my face about to talk before I put my hand over her mouth. She still 'mmphed mmph!', trying to talk. Even Rarity looked shocked. "What? I learned to jump for cover when a gun pointed my way."

I got up, and the five finally got a good look at me. "A new species! This is so exciting!" Twilight exclaimed happily.

"What's with all the scars their, partner?" Applejack asked.

"You interrupted our arm wrestling!" Rainbow said again.

"Oh you poor thing." Fluttershy said.

"Mmmph mmph!" Pinkie tried to say. "Pinkie, if I let you speak, no party cannons, no parties, and normal voice and speed. Got it?" She nodded her head and I let go.

"Hi! I'm Pinkie! Will you be my friend!" She gave me those sad, cute puppy eyes that no one with a soul could resist.

"I'll take it into consideration." Good thing I didn't have one.

"Now can I just get a damn shirt?" They cringed at my use of language.

"Look  I just want a shirt, then I can go play videogames with Luna. Better than Molestia." I shivered again.

"She is one scary bitch." They all looked at me in shock.

"You get to play videogames with Luna! Awesome! Not even I can do that! Though she'll probably play for a few days straight." Rainbow said.

"No problem. I once stayed up for over a week with an hour of sleep the whole time shooting at bandits." They just looked at me confused.

"Can we just get my shirt done? I really don't like people looking at these scars. And if you're wndering, no, these aren't cutie marks, yes, they are your cutie marks, no, is don't have a cutie mark, yes, I have more tattoo's." I told them.

"And Rarity, I don't have money, just some pre war bullets." I said.

"Oh, no, I couldn't take your money! But if you feel like it, you could do a few errands for me!" She said.

"If you make a good enough shirt, sure. Now, who wants," I pull out a pair of shades, Pinkie for some reason doing the same thing, "to see the big city?" We said in unison.

"That was truly terrible. O-oh... I hope I didn't offend you... Or anything." Everyone was surprised to hear Fluttershy say that.

"Yeah, I know. Why Pinkie joined in, who knows why? Anyway, I wanna see how strong pony drinks are. Probably not good enough for big man." I joked in the Heavy accent.

Again, more stares. "Ok, maybe you guys don't have Team Fortress 2. Anyone know a good bar, preferably dark, dingy, and near the castle?" They shook their heads.

"Fine, one near the castle with at least good drinks?"

"Ah might know one. Why do ya want ta know?" Applejack said.

"I want a good drink. And can we start with the measurements with my shirt?" I replied.

"Oh, yes! Follow me, darling." Rarity said, taking me to a room filled with ponyquins and fabric and needles and thread.

"Now just stand here while I take your measurements!" Rarity said.

I walked to where she pointed, and stood still. Like stone still. I looked like I was a statue. When it was all done, I stretched. "Damn, standing still like that gives you some serious cramps." I complained.

"Now off to the electronics store!" I yelled, running into the living room.

"Bat guard guy! What's your name!?" I asked.

"Midnight Terror." I chuckled.

"Cliche names. Gotta love em. Let's go get my headset! Rarity! When will the shirt be done!?" I yelled behind me.

"Tomorrow!" I nodded, and followed Midnight to the store.

"Here you go sir, that will cost five bits." The employee at the store with my headset told me.

"Is five pre-war bullets good?" I asked with a smile, which was banished when the employee said, "No."

"Aw, come on! I need that to play games with Luna! Pwease?" I used my puppy dog eyes. They were pretty terrible, if you couldn't guess. "No."

I sighed. "Damnit! What do you need for the headset?" I sighed again.

"If you have magic on your world, and if you don't, why? And how do you survive?" I gave a blank look.

"What?"

"Do. You. Have magic. Where you. Came from. And if you didn't, how do you survive?" He asked again. I nodded.

"In order, no, we used technology. That good enough?" The employee looked dissapointed by my short answer.

"One more question. What's that thing on your belt?" He pointed at the glock.

"This is what kept me alive for nine years. Got it and a clip off a dead policeman. He didn't need it anymore." I shrugged.

"Pretty much had to learn how to use and clean it on the go. Let me tell you, the first time this gun jammed was a year ago. It took eight years for it to jam, and even then I could still pistol whip the people." The employee looked horrified at what I just said, and handed me my headset.

"If you have nightmares, not my fault!" I told him. He just walked back to the cash register.

"So can we go to the castle now? I mean, really. What kind of games do they have here!?" I asked Midnight. We started walking to the castle, which was pretty far away. I busied myself by staring into space and ignoring the stares I got from peo- ponies. Midnight just... Walked.

"We're here." He told me.

"Yay!" The castle was huge, with tall spires, walls, towers, and a lot of other features I should know, like the main building. I'm not an architect, alright! Walking around, I could see patrols of guards on the walls. I could hear guards training. Walking through the front doors, I almost walked out righ there.

"How many hallways are in this palace. And where can I find the..." I stopped talking to midnight! hearing something that sounded like agitated yelling.

"Incompetence from our allies!" I could barely hear.

"Just follow the yelling of a raging gamer?" Midnight nodded.

"Thanks. You can go now." I started walking. The quest led me to some dead ends, crossroads, and almost into Celestia's flank, thank god I'm a fast runner, and finally to Luna's room, where you could here a new computer being set up. I knocked.

"Luna! My headset has been fixed! And try to rage less!" Celestia appeared behind me.

"Good god let me in! Celestia is here!" The door opened as soon as I finished the sentence, and I stumbled in, the door shutting closed behind me. The room I was in was spacious, with a midnight blue bed in the center. What looked like... A dresser, was on the wall. Why would you need one of those? Could it hold socks? I don't know. The most important feature was the electronics. There was a giant tv with a Playstabe 3, XTrot 360, and a TiiU hooked up to it. Next to it was a desk with a state of the art gamer computer on it.

"Luna, board the door and windows. We can't let the crazy bitch in. Also, do you have food and drink in here?" I asked. "Do not worry! This has happened before! We have a fully stocked fridge for days of gaming!" Luna started boarding up the door. I grabbed some planks, a hammer, and nails and started on the windows.

"Wait, this has happened before?" Luna nodded.

"Yes. Our sister has the problem of molesting everyone." I shivered.

"You have a messed up sister." I finished up. It took a few more minutes before Luna was finally done, and I could hear banging from the windows.

"She never stops, does she?" Luna shook her head.

"Great. What games do we have here? We got Call of Duty: Blu Ops, Infatrot 2, Modern Warmare? These are like puns! Also, you might need to get another computer if you're planning on computer games. Mine was destroyed. That reminds me! I need to overhaul all my electronics that I managed to keep!" I said, before the banging became louder.

"Please tell me you can enchant the boarded up entrances? And can you send a message to Rarity? I don't think I'll be able to get that shirt tomorrow." Luna nodded again.

"I have a lot of laptops! Which one do you want?" There under the bed was a whole enchanted box filled to the brim with them

. "How many are in here?" "Hundreds! In case I rage. I tend to smash things when raging." I nodded. There was a lot of them.

"First, let's get them out. Is there just a plain one in here? So I can, y'know, customize? I like to customize." Empting out the box, in the deep, was a plain laptop. The keyboard was bigger than I was used to, but that was ok.

"Now let's see." I murmured. Turning the laptop on, I could tell it had been used once, to download a shit ton of games and stuff. On it was: Team Fortress 2, MineCraft, Gmod, and a lot of others.

"Dayum!" I whispered.

"Did you need to also call Rarity?" Luna asked.

"Oh yeah!" I found some paper and pen, I wrote,

Rarity,

Celestia has me and Luna trapped, stuck in Luna's room. I won't be able to get the shirt tomorrow, or probably a few days after that. I should be able to get it in a week or so.

Jacob.

"Here." I gave the letter to Luna! who sent it to Rarity. A letter came after that, saying,

Jacob,

that's ok. I understand the predicament you're in. Just make sure you can get out at all. If you need help, just send a letter! Ta ta, Rarity.

"Well ok then. How long can you stay up, Princess? I have about a week left." I told Luna.

"I can stay up three days if I'm lucky! I wouldn't even consider a week, considering the paperwork I have to do!" She said.

"Well ok. Which game first?" I shrugged.

"It's time to take back Equestria!" Luna shouted.

"Mass Effect. Haven't played that."

Wait, How Do I Do This Again?

"Ok, I think I got it!" I said.

"Let the fun begin!" Luna said happily.

We started off on the starting screen, where the disk decided to be a bitch and not work. "Son of a bitch!" I yelled at the same time Luna yelled, "HOW DARE THEE! WORK!!".

Let me just say, never sit next to her when she uses here Royal Canterlot voice, it hurts like hell."Luna! Calm down!" I yelled over and over again until I got her attention.

"Calm the fuck down! You need to focus! Breath in, breathe out."

Luna did that, and finally calmed down. I heard some shouting outside from royal guards who had come to investigate the yelling getting caught by Molestia. "May they rest in peace." I chuckled.

Luna laughed as well. "Let's try Call of Duty: Mare Ops." I nodded. Putting the disk in, Luna chose multiplayer. "Let me make me gamer profile! Let the yelling at people, BEGIN!"

I connected my headset, made my gamer profile, going with the preset loadout, and pressed start. "Death match!" I told Luna. "I suck ass at anything else."

She nodded, entering a match.

Honorable Mentions:

I managed to get stuck on a rock but still managed to run out of ammo before dying.

Luna killed a group of people. With a knife.

I assassinated Luna.

Luna got me and my entire team back in a fit of rage. I think I went deaf.

Luna got a headshot from across the map. While not aiming down the sights. Using a shotgun!

Funny Moments:

I jumped out of a chopper and fell from the very top of the map, assassinating someone. While not looking at the screen.

Luna got one kill in an entire match, due to the fact that she tried to kill a hacker. I feel bad for the fellow.

After finishing Call of Duty: Mare Ops, we decided on TF2. That didn't end well. I can't help if I'm a boss at that game! But when we got to MineCraft, I had to go over the learning stage, starting from scratch. Again. I managed to not die for about five minutes, until I fell into a ravine, Luna laughing her head off at me.