Chapters View Online
Long Story Short, Things Went Down
First Chapter: We Hit The Road, And It Was Awful
Four ponies were running down one of the longest streets of Canterlot, and one more pony was flying way ahead. Out of those five ponies, three were frowning, one had a tired face, and one was smirking in a way that made ice cubes chill.
Unknown to the eye, there was a hidden, black device in everypony’s right ear. That little device linked them to a sixth pony who was miles away, sitting in a chair that was not hers and looking to a giant computer that was not hers either.
That computer was one of the best in Equestria (if not the best), truly a marvel of science and magic mixed together. That computer was able to do things beyond imagination.
Sadly, the pony controlling that thing was an idiot, so the results were a little disappointing.
“Okay Turner, this thing doesn’t work!” Vinyl’s voice yelled through the little black communicator. “It’s just ones and zeroes and it’s green for some reason!”
Time Turner, the pony who had built that computer, face-hoofed (not an easy task when you’re running). “Vinyl, I honestly don’t understand what the hell are you doing. You’re describing the main code. How did you get to the main code?”
“I don’t know! I just pressed a button and then everything went crazy and now I’m looking at zeroes. I think that this thing is broken.”
Turner squinted his eyes, trying to imagine the picture. “...A butto—? You can’t get to the main code with just one button! Why is she the one staying at my home again?!” He raised his hooves to the sky in desperation (again, no easy feat while you’re running). “Girls, really, I still can turn back to the computer and everything will—”
“NO!” five voices yelled through the communicator at the same time. “You can’t touch that thing until you explain a couple things, mister!” continued Derpy’s voice. It was sweet like a mouthful of honey on a pile of sugar. A little diabetes-inducing for Turner’s tastes, sadly. “You have been doing bad things with them!”
“Oh, for crying out loud.” Turner looked at the mares that were running with him through the stupidly long Canterlot road. “Look, I know it looks bad, but I swear I didn’t do anything disturbing with that computer. It was just a joke!”
“Dude.” Lyra was so near him that he could hear her voice both through the communicator and through the air at the same time. Turner felt a shudder when she talked. Her voice was always too cold to handle. “You gotta admit, that thing you did was a little too much. Somepony could have ended up hurt; that kind of joke is far out of your league,” she laughed. “You should have done something simpler. Like taking Bon Bon’s pillow and rubbing it against your ass, or spitting in her plate when she’s not looking, or burning her curtains without her noticing...”
“Oh, yes, I never noticed.” Bon Bon looked at Lyra with what seemed a contemptuous face. “I’m as dumb as you are, so I had no idea that my one and only roommate was the one that had burned the curtains. I thought the sun itself had done it, just because.”
“Shut up, Bon.” Lyra rolled her eyes. “The thing is, Turner, that you were smart when you decided not to ‘prank’ me like that. You would have ended up badly.”
Turner shivered. He had once seen Lyra send five stallions twice as big as her to the hospital. She wasn’t as strong as Carrot Top, of course. Not like it mattered. “Hm,” he answered. Wow, he could be good at talking sometimes, he thought.
“But, you see,” she continued, “even if you said you didn’t do that to me, I don’t have any reason to believe you.”
“What?”
“I’m just saying,” Lyra said with that a smile that could freeze Celestia’s ass, “that you should be more careful with what you do.”
Turner gulped. “Um, so you are angry at me?”
“Angry? Nah.” Lyra shook her head. Then her horn gleamed, and Turner felt something pressing against his eye, which he closed immediately. “You would be one-eyed by now if I was angry,” she said after Turner had let out a whimper.
“Lyra!” Derpy’s voice came from the communicator again. “What are you doing?!”
“Threatening Turner.”
“Don’t do that!”
“It amuses me.”
“Still, don’t do that!”
“Why?”
“Because it’s not polite!”
Lyra rolled her eyes. “See if I care.” Then she smiled again. “Watch your back, Turner.”
Turner licked his lips. “Um, technically that also was a threat.”
“Yes, go and say those kind of things to the crazy one,” muttered Bon Bon. “I’m sure that will totally help.”
“Bon, shut up.” Vinyl sounded pissed off. “Anyway, dude, that thing with our food was sickening. You should be ashamed.”
“I’m sure,” Octavia said, with that smooth and soft voice that made you think that every word was an invitation to her bed, “that we could take you to the police for what you’ve done. We’re five poor defenseless mares that have been suffering the schemes of a peeping tom. I’m sure they would be with us.” She smiled. “You wouldn’t stand a chance.”
“Okay, first thing.” Time Turner could feel the blood getting to his face, and being flustered and pissed off at the same time couldn’t be healthy. “We have more important issues ahead, right? My ability to put tracking devices in your dinner, however interesting, is not what should be bothering you.”
“Turner, it’s creepy.”
“It’s scientific ,” replied him. “And second thing: no jury would believe you are a bunch of defenseless mares.”
They stared at him.
“No, really. I mean it.” He frowned. “Well, maybe Derpy...”
“Should I take that as a compliment?” she asked through the communicator. “I don’t know if that was a compliment.”
“What I don’t understand is how you had the nerve to put that thing in Carrot Top,” commented Vinyl. “I’m sure she will break your legs, at least.”
“Oh, yes.” Bon Bon snorted. “Of course, she will know what a tracking device is. Our Carrot is too intelligent to allow such a thing. I mean, she’s an expert on tracking devices and technology in general. Hell, scratch that; she’s an expert on everything science-related. She’s a doctor in science. It’s written all over her name. In fact, if you rearrange the letters of the name ‘Carrot Top’, you’ll get ‘science doctor’, as long as you’re both dyslexic and blindingly stupid.”
“Shut up,” Lyra snapped again.
Time Turner looked at the sky and shook his head. “Okay, I’m sorry. I’ve already told you so! Anyway—”
“Yes, we need to focus on Carrot Top’s rescue,” Derpy’s voice returned through the communicator. She was flying way ahead of them. “You just need to know that you and I are going to talk about this, and I won’t go easy on you, Doc!”
Turner could do nothing but roll his eyes.
Vinyl Scratch was fighting against a computer, and the computer was winning. She couldn’t believe a machine could be so incredibly wicked : everything was shining buttons and wires, things you could spin but shouldn’t and lots and lots of screens. Really, that thing was not of this world, she thought.
Vinyl was sure the only pony weird enough to understand what the hell was happening in that thing was Time Turner, but there was no way they were going to let him touch it until he had given some explanations. Having a geeky genius as a friend was cool; discovering that the geeky genius had put some cameras in your house was creepy.
Being a DJ and thus used to technology, she had been the most logical option to help the gang with the computer. Sadly, she was used to DJ tables, not freaky wicked computers. Every single screen was showing the same thing: a line of zeroes and ones running down in a weird way. And everything was green for some reason.
“Okay, so Turner’s an asshole,” Vinyl said through the communicator. “That’s something we already knew. But what in the everlasting hell do I do with this thing? It’s starting to creep me out.” She sighed. “Why do we need this anyway?”
“It controls the communicators and allows us to actually locate Carrot Top,” came Turner’s voice. “The communicators work fine because I programmed them before leaving, but the pro-”
“Yeah, yeah, magic, who cares.” Vinyl waved a hoof contemptuously. Something completely useless, she realized, because their friends couldn’t see her. But the thought of it is what mattered. “Still, we know where Carrot is. At Blueblood’s place. That’s, you know, the entire reason why we’re in a hurry.”
“We know that she is there,” said Octavia, “but we don’t know exactly where she is, remember?”
“The tracking devices have an error margin of less than a meter, so we need them if we want to save Carrot’s life,” Turner said. “They are vital for this mission...”
“Cut the drama.” Vinyl snorted. “She’s not gonna die. She’s only gonna be in trouble because of beating a guy.”
“Well, excuse me for adding a little extra excitement to the mission. You’re no fun.”
“I’m completely sure that your argument is helping us a lot.” Bon Bon’s voice came through the communicator. “It’s like—”
“For Celestia’s sake, Bon Bon, you’re annoying,” said Vinyl. “Shut up. Nopony wants to listen to you anyway.”
“Oh, no. That’s, like, horrible,” said Bon Bon in a flat tone. “How can I live with that knowledge in my mind? Vinyl, I am so sorry I bothered you. I swear my intentions were completely kind; it’s not like I don’t give a damn about your opinion because you’re—”
“No, really, we mean it,” interrupted Lyra. “Shut up. You shouldn’t be allowed to talk.”
“Okay,” Vinyl muttered, “I’m listening then. Turner, you useless piece of crap, I’m waiting for your orders.”
“Throw those stupid glasses away and become a nun. That would be good for you.”
“Har, har, har. Explain what I’m supposed to do, and do it now.”
“Stop being so mean to each other!” said Derpy.
“Pfft.” Turner coughed. “Vinyl, you have somehow got to the main code, so you shouldn’t touch anything because you could... well, you could mess up the entire computer.”
“You know, I’m being tempted right now.” Vinyl smirked, even though she knew that Turner couldn’t see her. “I could really screw you over, right?”
“Vinyl, no.”
“Oh, yes, be as stupid as possible, that’ll help. I mean, it’s not like this stupid conversation is already twice the normal length for something as stupid as telling somepony how to use a computer. Go on, you’re totally an interesting thing to hear right now, I would love to keep listening to your mindless, stupid chattering. Hey, I have an idea, why don’t you put some music as a background? I’m sure screaming cats would be the top of the—”
“No, really, Bon Bon, stop talking. This is the reason why everypony hates you.”
Turner sighed. “Look, Vinyl, what you need to do is go back to the main screen, and then you can select the cam-”
“Turner, I couldn’t understand a single thing of that main screen of yours. Can’t I, I don’t know...?” Vinyl looked at the thousands of little buttons the computer had. “...just press a button or clap my hooves and then everything runs perfectly?”
“No, I’m afraid you’ll have to use commands to...”
“Aw come on!” Vinyl kicked the computer. It hurt. “What a piece of trash!”
“What?!” Turner’s voice seemed offended. “Vinyl, you should treat that wonderful machine with some respect! It’s the finest one I’ve ever built!”
“Dude, it’s not able to do anything. It just shows zeroes and ones and it’s creeping me out.” Vinyl scorned at the thing. “I think it’s possessed.”
“Look, that computer is like the God of Computers. Other machines can remember your name; this one can give you a blowjob if you know how to ask,” said Turner. “The only useless one there is you!”
“Well, this thing is clearly fucking with me, if that counts for you!”
“Oh my, that was a very good joke, Vinyl,” said Bon Bon. The moment she spoke, a clear ‘oh my fucking hell no ’ was heard through the communicator, but she kept on talking. “Like, I am totally laughing my ass off,” she said. “That was incredibly clever and not stupid. You truly are a genius of humor. And by the way, I also love the fact that you’re still talking nonsense and saying nothing about the main conversation. You see, if anypony else was doing this I would be completely pissed off, but I am in fact starting to like your little talks. Things like those are what make this life wonderful. It’s not like I think you’re idiots and you’re giving me a headache with your stupid crap. Oh, no, not at all. In fact, why are you stopping right now? Go on, it’s not like you need to stop when I’m talking, you’re clearly not smart enough to realize that—”
“Damnit, Bon Bon, we should have left you out of this.”
“And that would have been a bad thing for me. Like, it would have been horrible, it’s not like I would have loved it. At all. Oh no, this is one of my favourite activities, spending the night running through this stupidly long road to rescue our incredibly intelligent friend.”
“Okay, yeah, I’m ignoring her,” muttered Turner. “Look, Vinyl, I know what we’re going to do.” He sighed. “You see a giant red button right in front of you?”
Vinyl looked. The thing was impossible to miss: it was as big as an apple. “Yeah,” she said. “It’s gleaming with a green light. Everything is gleaming with a green light.”
“Well, don’t press it. Press the little green one that’s by its side.”
Vinyl didn’t have a lot of options, so she did what Turner was saying. Immediately, the screens turned black. “Uh-oh.”
“What?”
“It’s stopped. Completely black.”
“And the situation just got better,” muttered Tavi. Vinyl frowned at this, but said nothing.
“That’s what it’s supposed to do,” said Turner. “Look, you’re gonna activate the Secondary Mode. Everything should be easier if we do that.”
“If you say so.”
“Okay, now look for the keyboard and type your name.”
“My name?”
“Your name,” reassured Turner. “The computer has a database with your, eh, data. I programmed it so it would change its main core and desktop so it would fit the user.”
“Is that even possible?” Derpy was the one talking this time. “I mean, Doc, I didn’t know you could do this kind of things with a computer. It almost sounds like magic.”
“Well, maybe because it is magic? Written Script helped me with it.”
“And may I ask why didn’t you do this in the first place?” asked Octavia. “It seems like it would have saved us a lot of time.”
“I thought getting to the main code was impossible for Vinyl,” he answered. “Too complicated.”
“Oh.” Octavia giggled. And what a giggle. It took skill to giggle erotically, but she managed somehow. “Well, turns out it wasn’t.”
“Okay, so,” Vinyl said, “I’ve typed my name. Now what?”
“Hit Enter.”
Vinyl did so. And then the machine started running again.
For a couple seconds, the screens showed just zeroes and ones again. Vinyl was about to yell at Turner again for it, but then everything changed: the numbers disappeared and everything turned white. A single line of letters appeared in the center of the bigger screen.
IDIOCY MODE ACTIVATED
Bon Bon heard Vinyl’s screams through the communicator, and she rolled her eyes so hard it hurt. She seemed willing to show the world that she needed no technology to make herself heard from such a distance. It sure was a pleasure to her ears. Bon Bon wondered again why the hell she hanged out with such a gang of idiots.
But anyway she listened to what they were saying because she had absolutely nothing better to do. Oh Celestia, she hated her life so much.
“Turner, if you think this is funny I swear I will find you and kill you !"
“Vinyl, my dear, you’re deafening me.”
“YOU'RE THE MOST HORRIBLE PONY I'VE EVER MET!”
"I love the fact that now you’re wasting time by insulting Turner again," Bon Bon said, "but this time you’re also yelling, which makes it even better. You see, for a moment I was very worried: I thought you were going to actually start getting down to business. But nope! You were just preparing yourself for this legendary return to idiocy. I am so relieved and pleased for this.”
“Yeah, whatever.” Lyra looked at her with a raised eyebrow, and Bon Bon could feel her mouth closing by itself. Well that had been annoying. Stupid Lyra . She was worse than all the others together.
“Anyway,” Lyra said, “what have you done this time, Turner?”
Bon Bon chuckled. Everypony ignored her. She wasn’t sure if they were being rude again or just hadn’t got the joke.
Turner smiled at Lyra. “Oh, it was nothing. I just made a little joke.”
“YOU’RE AN ASS!”
“A pony, technically.”
“Vinyl, please, tell me you have access to the tracking device and we don’t need to hear the rest of this conversation,” said Octavia before Bon Bon could say a word. “Please. I don’t think I’m able to stand this for another fifteen minutes”
“Yeah, I think I got it.”
Bon Bon looked at the sky. “I thank the heavens for this. But don’t worry, I’m sure you will find another way to be annoying, Vinyl. It’s like your other special talent. That’s the reason why we all love you so much.”
“Bon Bon, I don’t know if you’re being sarcastic here or if you’re just such a hypocrite. But anyway, shut the hell up,” Lyra said.
Bon Bon said nothing.
Derpy was way ahead, trying to locate the house they were looking for. She had seen it a couple times before that day, but as always, the moment she needed something was the moment that something was harder to find. She hated that.
Blueblood’s house was tall, white, with a huge garden and with golden statues in the roof. That description would have been more helpful if the entire east side of Canterlot hadn’t been tall, white, with huge gardens and with golden statues. Canterlot was such a weird city. Derpy hated it.
At least she wasn’t running. Running was always more tiresome than flying. “Aaaw, I can’t see where that big house is,” she said, trying to change the subject and act as a peacemaker, again . She had to, if she wanted to maintain that innocent façade. The things a mare could do for a stallion , she thought, rolling her eyes. “Octavia, would you mind reminding me how does it look?”
“Look for a round ceiling, darling,” came the earth pony’s answer. “It’s the most horrible ceiling you will have seen in your life, I promise.”
“How do you even know that house?” asked Lyra. “Have you been there before?”
“I played at Blueblood’s latest birthday,” answered Octavia. “It was so incredibly interesting that I spent half the night looking at the ceiling. It’s made of glass, Derpy. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned that before.”
“Aha!” she said. “I think I’ve seen it! Does it have a— uh.” Derpy paused, not knowing exactly what to say. “Does it have a, um.” She forced herself to stop and mutter a little at this. “A... dolphin trying to... c-copulate... with a pony?”
“I think it was a shark, but yes, that’s the one.”
“What? Really? Dude, the old sculptors sure were weird.” Lyra snorted. “Do you mean the guy is actually...?”
“It’s a girl, not a guy. The dolphin is, um, mounting her,” answered Derpy. She narrowed her eyes and approached the house. “Well, at least it’s trying. I doubt it’s achieving anything. You need to turn left now.”
“How is the dolphin even out of the water?” asked Vinyl.
“That statue has to be based on the ancient myth of Pholotoideous,” said Turner suddenly. “I mean, a dolphin and a mare? It has to be it.”
Bon Bon was the next one talking. “And of course now you’re going to talk about why do you know that incredibly useful piece of trivia. Come on, we know you want to say it. We’re dying to know—”
“Yeah, so dolphin pornography,” Lyra interrupted Bon Bon. “Turner, you’re horrible.”
“Don’t say such meany things! You should be polite with each other!” Derpy said. “Doc, why did you know the name of the statue?”
“Because ancient mythology is fascinating, of course.” Turner adopted that tone he liked so much, as if he was giving them a lecture. Derpy felt her frown turn into a smile. “Pholotoideous, the ancient god of luxury, was known for its lust and sexual desire. It once turned into a goose and fucked an entire village.”
“Wait, what?” Derpy stopped in the middle of the sky. “What do you mean by that? Also, please, mind your language! Gentlecolts don’t talk like that!”
“Uh, sorry. So, it turned into a goose and then fucked an entire small town,” repeated Turner.
Silence.
“So you mean he, like, paired with every mare while being a goose?” Lyra asked. “But... I mean, what?”
“You said ‘village’,” said Octavia. “As in... Everypony or...?”
“Every single line of dialogue you have said in the entire night has been crazily interesting, but this shit is just the top of the cake,” Bon Bon muttered.
“Every stallion and mare received the goose’s might fuckery, according to the legend,” explained Turner. “Of course, those were other times. Better times. Sex wasn’t a taboo, more like a celebration of fertility. Being ass-humped by a god-goose was like winning the lottery. Same with the dolphin option, I guess.”
“I don’t know,” answered Derpy. She frowned and approached the statue a little. “Either the mare being pholotomonted is not enjoying it at all or she is enjoying it a little too much.”
“Yuck.”
“Okay so he turned into a duck and then screwed every living being in a town.” Vinyl snorted. “The ancient ones sure knew how to have a good time.”
“Well, it’s a shame Blueblood chose the dolphin-themed statue,” said Octavia. “I’m sure that with a carving of a goose furiously copulating with every pony in sight would have kept my interest for at least an hour or so.”
“Wow, a whole hour watching a goose rut ponies?” Vinyl whistled. “At least sounds like an original way to spend your time.”
“Still better than another night playing for Blueblood.”
“Did he bother you?”
“Yeah, he wanted to get in my bed, I think,” answered Octavia. “No wonder why, of course. I’m the hottest cello player in Canterlot.”
“There are three pro cellists in the city,” said Lyra. “You and two grandpas.”
“I’m still the hottest.”
“Well, that’s what you say,” Vinyl said. “Octogenarians can be sexy.”
“Guys, turn right now. You should be able to see the house.”
“Oh, yes!” Turner talked this time. “Derpy, you’re a wonderful guide. I can even see Pholotodolphin trying to shred that mare in pieces with his godly and custard-flavored fishstick.”
“Custard-flavored?” asked Bon Bon.
“The ancient mythos were surprisingly detailed sometimes.”
“Still better than a goose doing the knock-knock with three hundred stallions.”
“That’s your opinion.”
The hottest cellist in Canterlot didn’t like to run. She was very good at running, of course. She had spent her entire childhood running and playing in the woods—that’s why she was so hot on the first place. But she didn’t like to run at all. Running wasn’t hot. She had discovered that once she had moved to Canterlot, and it was the first lesson every hot mare had to learn. Walking was hot. Dancing was hot. Playing the cello was hot. Running? No so much. You couldn’t even wiggle your tail properly while doing so.
What was the point of being hot if she couldn’t look hot? Hotness was serious business. It was incredibly difficult to find reasons for Octavia Philharmonica to run, but finding that her best friend was going to a high-society party to beat her cheating boyfriend senseless was one of them. It didn’t help that Carrot Top didn’t seem to realize how much trouble she could get into for her inappropriate actions.
They stopped talking once they could hear the sounds coming from Blueblood’s party. Octavia didn’t know what the others were doing, but she was both listening as hard as she could (trying to locate a mare screaming, or maybe a stallion) and feeling something was odd. She stayed like that for a whole minute, approaching that huge house and thinking. What was it? What...?
And then it hit her. Vinyl and Turner had been quiet for more than thirty seconds.
“Guys, is there something wrong?” she asked. “Vinyl?”
The DJ didn’t answer through the communicator, but at least Turner finally talked. “Okay,” he said. “Now we’re close to Blueblood’s. So...”
Silence.
“Did somepony think of a plan before we started running?” He frowned while looking at the house. “I mean, Carrot is in there. We need to take her out before she loses her mind again. But how?”
“You’re the one who’s supposed to come up with a plan,” said Derpy. Octavia could see her, flying high above the huge mansion. Outside Blueblood’s house she could also see ponies wearing expensive clothes drinking, dancing and just doing the usual boring-party stuff you were expected to do in a garden. However, the main celebration seemed to be inside the building. “It’s what you always do.”
“And they always end up going perfectly, right?” Bon Bon rolled her eyes. “We know where she is because of the totally-not-creepy tracking device Turner put in her. So we get in there, take that imbecile and go away. That’s it, that’s the stupid plan. Now let’s do this, I want to go home as soon as possible.”
Turner bit his lip. “For once, you kinda have a point,” he muttered. “But, we’re trying to break into Princess Celestia’s nephew’s house. At his birthday.” He stopped and looked at the house. They weren’t exactly in front of it; the mansion was at their right. They had to continue walking down the road for a couple minutes before turning to the right and then descending to the stairs that lead to the main door. “So I guess it has a lot of security. And we only have one pegasus and one unicorn. We didn’t really think this through.
“Mostly,” answered Octavia. “Although I don’t think we should be so worried.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve been here before. I know how to deal with the guards in this place.” Octavia shrugged. “Trust me: if we just walk in there like if we knew everypony, there will be no problem. It’s not like we need to show an invitation.”
“Octavia, we totally need to.”
“Lyra, we totally don’t need to.” Octavia winked at her and approached Turner, grabbing his leg. “Look, this is the plan: Turner and I go to the main door and infiltrate the building. Turner, from now on you’re my partner in crime.”
“Woah. I got lucky.” Turner smirked. “I take the hot one.”
“Control yourself down there and you may get even luckier tonight.”
“I’m not sure if that’s an innuendo, but I’m totally in.”
Derpy muttered something over the communicator, but it was barely a whisper. Octavia couldn’t hear the exact words, but it sounded like ‘gonna kill you ’.
“So,” Octavia said, ignoring Turner and Derpy, “Lyra and Bon, you split up and try to get in from a window or something. Derpy, you do the same but from the air.”
Derpy muttered something that more or less sounded like ‘yes, but still gonna kill you ’.
“Wait.” Lyra took a step towards Octavia. Her pupils were smaller than usual, and she had a little frown in her face. “Why are you going through the door while we do the dirty stuff?”
“Aw, I wanted to be the one doing dirty things.” Turner made a pout. “Tavi, we can always get a room. You girls are invited too, I’m not picky.”
“In your dreams, Doc.”
“Every night, don’t you doubt it.”
There was more Derpy muttering, this time questioning the moral of Turner’s mother.
“No, really.” Lyra raised an eyebrow at Octavia. “I’m asking. Why are you the ones going through the door?”
Octavia licked her lips. “Two reasons. First one: even being such a nasty companion, Turner looks like a gentlecolt if he keeps his mouth shut, and I’m both elegant and incredibly hot.”
“You forget ‘humble’.”
“And modest.”
“That’s a given.” Octavia waved a hoof. “So, we both can go in there without looking suspicious. There are only two guards, and me and Turner will distract them. You get into the party and try to get out with Carrot, and if you’re lucky we’ll do that before she has killed her ex-coltfriend. So, technically, we are the ones making the dirty thing here. No innuendos, Turner.”
“Aw.” He made a pout. “You’re no fun.”
“And second point: we will talk to the guards,” Octavia continued. “I’m pretty sure there will only be two of them, but I can be wrong. Maybe this time Blueblood will have a higher security, so you may end up crashing into a guard. And, well. You can take care of that.”
After a few moments of silence, Lyra smirked. “Oh yes, I like that. Bon, you come with me.”
“Freaking great,” muttered Bon Bon. “It’s like it’s my birthday again. What’s next? A piano falls in my head?”
“We have a plan then. Let’s split up,” Octavia said, and started to run down the road again. Turner followed her. “Try not to screw up!” she yelled at Lyra and Bon Bon, who were left behind.
Turner answered, but Octavia didn’t pay any attention. Her thoughts were in another place. What in the world was happening to Vinyl?
Author's Note
I love how Derpy takes her time to show Carrot her friends' personalities, even though she obviously knows them all.
Derpy's such a good storyteller.
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Long Story Short, Things Went Down
Second Chapter: We Stopped To Remember Why We Hate Each Other
“Girls, don’t you think it’s weird? Vinyl hasn’t said a single word in forever.”
Octavia’s voice came clear as water through the communicator. Bon Bon had to recognize it: Turner was smart with his little machines. Bon Bon had no idea how they worked, but that didn’t matter anyway... or so had she been thinking till that night. If the stallion was watching them all the time, maybe he was too good with little machines.
“Yeah, she’s been quiet. What a shame,” she said. “I mean, I totally love when my ears are bleeding because she never knows when to shut the hell up, and her voice is so musical and comfortable and totally not too loud.”
Blueblood’s house was surrounded by a garden so big it was almost a forest—Bon Bon felt mud on her hooves as she walked down to the mansion alongside Lyra, but didn’t bother to look down to see it. She was too busy complaining. “But don’t worry, she’ll be back in five minutes. Like always. I think she wouldn’t shut up even if we were underwater.”
“Turner insulted her,” said Lyra. “So she’ll be flushing solid objects down his toilet or something. I would start with his clothes, and then maybe his curtains or dinnerware.”
Turner grumbled. “Lovely.”
Lyra chuckled. “Hey, it’s not polite to insult your friends.”
“Because you just know so much about etiquette,” said Bon Bon, glaring at her. “In fact, I’m sure you’re related to royalty, because you are the most well-educated mare I’ve ever known, just behind absolutely everypony else in existence.”
“Hypocrisy doesn’t fit you at all.” Lyra waved her tail in front of Bon Bon’s nose, causing the earth pony to sneeze. “You better shut up, Bon. You’re almost bearable when you do so.”
“For heaven’s sake, don’t do that,” Bon Bon answered. Her nose itched. “Celestia knows where you have put that tail. I don’t want to catch an infection in my face.”
Lyra frowned. “You’re implying my tail’s dirty, Bonnie?” She approached her a couple steps. “You want trouble or something?”
“Yes. Those are exactly my intentions. I’m amazed at your deductive skills. Why are you wasting such a gift in this simple conversation? Use it to fight crime and make this world a better place!” Bon Bon looked at the sky. “I am not worthy of talking with such an intelligent mare!”
Lyra smirked. “You know, usually I don’t give a damn about your rants, but keep talking like that and I’ll buck your face out of your shoulders. Got it?”
Bon Bon raised an eyebrow. “I like when ponies answer sarcasm with physical violence; it says a lot about their mental capacities. I would love to see you trying to solve a puzzle. I’m sure you would try to punch it until it solved itself. Sometimes I swear I think you’re not really an unicorn and that horn is just a piece of glass that got in your brain when you were a foal. It would explain a lot of things.”
“You are still talking.” Lyra took another step forward. Her face was just inches from Bon Bon’s, and her eyes had that one look. “Why are you still talking?”
“Well, for starters, I have a mouth. Also, I love the sound of my own voice, and your comments are so intelligent that I can’t help but try to answer to your witty comebacks in the smartest way possible, which takes a lot of words.” She licked her lips. “Alternatively, I guess I could punch a rock and start talking about hitting things with my forehead. Something tells me that you would understand that. It’s like they say: if you want to impress a monkey, act as a monkey. Sadly, I love the sound of my voice too much to actually care about impressing you. Now get off. You’re too close.”
“And yet you keep talking, even when absolutely everypony would have stopped long ago,” said Lyra, seemingly ignoring her. She was still smirking. “What a stupid mare you are, Bon Bon.”
“Wow, you used the same argument twice. That takes guts. Let me—”
“For some reason,” interrupted Derpy through the communicator, “I think that now’s not the best time to argue about that.” Her voice was almost a whisper. “Guys, I’m really close to the house. I’m hiding in a tree, and I’ve taken a look at the windows of the second floor. One is wide open, and the room is filled with ponies. The others are closed.”
“What about the first floor?” asked Octavia.
“Clear. But that’s your area,” answered the pegasus. “Besides, I can see the entire house from here; this tree is a good watchtower.”
“We don’t need a watchtower,” Turner muttered. “We can locate Carrot easily. Vinyl? Have you activated the radar?”
No answer.
“I told you, she’s not talking,” said Octavia, frowning. “I think she’s not there.”
“Oh, great. We’ll have to go without the radar until that idiot comes from the bathroom or whatever the hell she might be doing. Lyra, Bon Bon,” Turner said, “once you get in try to make the biggest mess you can handle. That way, Derpy can enter from that window.”
“Last time I checked you were not our boss,” said Lyra. “Why should we do that?”
“Because it’s better to have a pony in each floor than two ponies in the first and none in the second,” said Turner. “And we can later use that distraction to run away with Carrot. You know we’ll need some help with that. Now, shut up. We’re getting close to the door.”
“Well, I’ll do whatever I want; you’re not my—” Lyra interrupted herself when she saw Bon Bon rolling her eyes. “What?”
Bon Bon snorted. “Why are you even arguing with him? You always end up doing what he says. Stop trying to look cool.”
“I’m not doing that.”
“Oh, of course. You’re acting as a perfectly rational mare.” Bon Bon pointed at the house. “Look, we go there and you make a mess, as you always do anyway , and we get to go back home as soon as possible while Derpy rescues Carrot. No need for you to make us pay attention to your stupid mannerisms.”
Lyra looked at her with one of those looks that made everypony but her freeze on the spot and start thinking about what being dead felt like. Lyra could be dangerous, but she could never harm Bon Bon, and she knew it. Sure, the two mares hated each other, but then again, they hated everypony . Theirs was just a special kind of hate. The one that makes you pee on the other when you see she’s on fire—you’re being as mean as possible, but you still try to fight the fire.
Maybe that was the reason why they always ended up together when they had to split in teams of two, Bon thought. Well, that relationship was even more horrible than she had thought.
She opened her mouth to say something, but she didn’t have the time. Mostly because all of her thoughts about urine in fire were wrong, apparently. Lyra went to her in a few steps, turned around, raised her back legs and bucked her in the head.
Tonk!
Hard.
And she rolled down the forest, because of course she had to be just at the top of the hill, and of course the mansion was at the bottom. She had absolutely zero control on her trajectory. It hurt quite a bit.
She finally stopped with a strong thump against the mansion and felt dizzy for a few seconds. Lyra’s voice came through the communicator, and she understood something among the lines of ‘that’ll teach her’ .
Groaning, Bon Bon tried to stand up and failed miserably. The ground met her with too much enthusiasm for her tastes. She tried to get up again, this time successfully, rubbed her eyes and...
Blinked a couple times. She couldn’t believe what she was seeing.
“Fucking jackpot ,” she whispered.
“Lyra,” Turner said, “did you just kick Bon Bon?”
“None of your business.”
“It kind of is my business, giving the fact that we’re a team right now and—”
“You want a kick to the head too?”
“Okay, none of my business.” He turned to the cliff. “Bon, are you dead?”
“Yes, I’m completely dead. I’m glad you asked, you see, because usually dead ponies can’t answer to fucking dumb questions like that one, but this death of mine happened to be special! What a good thing, huh? Also, I’m glad to see that you were incredibly worried for my safety. Not asking for me or showing any kind of feelings towards my apparent death has been one of the most beautiful gestures…”
“Okay, yeah, you’re alive,” Lyra said. “We don’t care anymore. Shut up.”
“No, but really, my head hurts a lot.”
“I said we don’t care.”
Ignoring the conversation, Octavia stopped right in front of the stairs that went down to the main door of Blueblood’s mansion. Turner, right behind her, looked at what was waiting for them down there, and he could see two guards the size of chariots. Their necks were like Turner’s entire body, and he could see muscles as big as watermelons in their legs.
He then turned back to Octavia and gulped. “Well,” he said, “it seems like we have company.”
“Yes, I know.” The gray mare smiled, and there was something in her face that Turner didn’t like at all. “I already know them, in fact. They’re the only two guards in the entire house, and I’ve dealt with them once. I can deal with them again.”
“Oh?” Turner raised an eyebrow. “How so?”
“I’ve told you I’ve been here before, right?”
“Wait...” came Lyra’s voice from the communicator. “So you’re telling me that last time you came here you beat those guys senseless or something? Because if that’s the case I suddenly find you a little less pathetic, Tavi.”
Octavia didn’t say anything for a few moments, and Turner could do nothing but frown. She had quite a peculiar expression—the one she had when she was thinking on...
“Turner, you are the biggest asshole I’ve ever met, did you know that?”
Turner blinked in surprise. “Vinyl?” he asked. “Is that you?”
“What?” Octavia frowned and touched her communicator. “That was Lyra, right?”
“Yeah, t’was me,” answered Lyra. “No weirdos in here.”
“No, she called me an asshole.” Turner frowned and sat on the floor. “Vinyl. Answer me.”
“Yeah, yeah, I’m here. I’m just talking to you right now,” said Vinyl. “You know, trying this sweet thing you have in this wicked computer. I can talk to only one pony?”
“Um, of course you can.” Turner rolled his eyes. “What kind of communicator would be this thing otherwise?” He looked at Octavia, who was staring at him with a raised eyebrow. “Vinyl’s only talking to me,” Turner said. “Because she’s an idiot, mostly.”
“I’m not an idiot!”
“Ah!” Octavia smiled. “I heard her too this time!”
“Me too!” whispered Derpy. “Vinyl, what have you been doing?”
“Oh, I didn’t like Turner’s little joke about me being stupid, so I flushed a couple things down his toilet to break it. I started with his clothes and curtains, and then I put some of his most expensive dinnerware.”
“Told ya,” said Lyra.
“Vinyl!” whispered Derpy. “That was incredibly mean on your part! I can’t believe you were so bad! Why are you such a bully?”
“He called me stupid!”
“Okay, you’re totally paying me for that later,” Turner said. “Now, Octavia, please, tell me we have an interesting plan to get rid of those two guards so we can distract this goldfish of a friend we have over the communicator. I don’t want her to get bored and go and try to burn my bloody house down.”
“That wouldn’t be my next course of action,” said Lyra. “I would throw all of his food at his neighbor’s door so he’d have to apologize later. Then I would burn out something.”
“Lyra, you’re really not helping me here.”
“Why would I want to help you?”
Turner rolled his eyes. He could feel the smirk in Lyra’s voice.
“Well...” Octavia chuckled. Oh for crying out loud, Turner thought, she was smirking too? He hated smirks. Nothing good came out of smirks. “I certainly have a plan that’s interesting, but I think they are going to enjoy it more than you.”
Silence. Turner facehoofed. “It’s gonna be painful, right?”
“Go on, girl.” Vinyl sounded eager. “I know that voice. You’re thinking about something hot , aren’t you?”
“Well, you see...” Octavia giggled and raised an eyebrow at Turner. “Blueblood’s party was boring, okay? When I went here, I tried to entertain myself the best way I could, so... I had a break at one moment, and...”
Silence.
“Let’s say,” she continued after licking her lips, “that I certainly know that one of the guards fancies mares, and the other one’s door swings the other way.”
Turner felt shivers. “Oh, no. Oh, nonononononononONONONONONO—”
“Oh, come on.” Octavia patted him in the head. “Look, it’s easy: we both go down there. I use this body the Universe gave me to distract one of them. You go to the other, flutter your eyes a little and say a couple pretty things about his muscles and voilá! Everything is solved!”
“NONONONONONONONONONONO— !”
“OH YES !” Vinyl screamed. “OCTAVIA, I KNEW YOU WERE GONNA MAKE ME PROUD!”
“U-uh.” Derpy gulped. “Doc with another stallion? Huh...”
“Hot,” said Lyra.
“Shut up, all of you, ” Turner barked. “Look, Octavia, I am glad you think I’m cute but I am not, I repeat, I am not seducing that monster !” He pointed at the stairs. “Have you even seen his size?! He can kill me with a pat of his leg!”
“Well, if you do your job well, he won’t use his leg,” muttered Lyra.
“SHUT UP!”
“Look,” Octavia said calmly, “I knew you were gonna react like this, so—”
“NO SHIT, YOU KNEW? WHAT GAVE YOU THE CLUE? THE FACT THAT I AM NOT GAY OR THE FACT THAT THE STALLION DOWNSTAIRS CAN HUMP ME TO DEATH WITHOUT ANY KIND OF EFFORT?!”
“Yeah, that’s even hotter,” Vinyl said.
“—so,” Octavia continued, “I’m willing to give you something in exchange.”
Vinyl’s laugh died after hearing that line, although the smirk didn’t fade from her face. She could hear the sultriness in Tavi’s voice. That mare was thinking about something good.
Turner seemed to notice too, because he stopped yelling immediately. “What do you mean?” he asked.
“What do you think I mean?”
“Being you the one who’s saying that, I don’t really know,” answered the stallion. Vinyl licked her lips. She was more or less as lost as him, but she remained silent, as well as the other three mares in the conversation. “Something that would offend my good old mother.”
“Is that a problem?”
“Just the opposite.” Turner sighed. “But, you know, even if you agreed to pole-dance for me—which, let’s admit it, would be awesome—I would say ‘no’. I’m just not seducing that gay planet of muscles, thank you very much. I love my ass and don’t want to see it turn into a shapeless piece of bloody meat.”
“Time Turner,” Vinyl muttered. “As romantic as always. Tavi, what are you talking about? You aren’t gonna sleep with this asshole, right?”
“Please, Vinyl, that would be unladylike,” answered her friend. “No, I’m talking about something way better.”
“Woah,” Lyra said. “Stakes are high then.”
“Go big or go home, right? Look, Turner, I’m offering you this.” Octavia sounded calm. “Me and Derpy. Full make out session. Ten, maybe fifteen minutes.”
“What ?!”
“Woah.”
Derpy and Lyra had sounded surprised. Turner’s voice, on the other hoof, sounded perfectly normal all of a sudden, no sign of hysteria whatsoever. “Tongue?”
“Tongue and touching flanks,” answered Octavia. “The three of us in the same room, no cameras or weird technology. You’ll see the tongues. A little moaning if you please, but nothing too strong.”
“Octavia!” Derpy’s voice was the closest thing you could get to a rage scream while whispering. “Something tells me I should have a say in this!”
“Derpy, please. I’m trying to make a deal here.”
“I’m not making out with you just so Turner can be turned on!”
“Darling,” Octavia said, “he is always like that. His name—”
“I’m not in the mood for puns!” yelled Derpy. “Listen to me!”
“Woah.” Vinyl shook her head. No way was she missing such a show just because Derpy had a severe case of prudeness. Luckily for them, Vinyl knew a lot of cures to prudeness. Quick as an eagle hunting down a rabbit, she pushed a couple buttons and started a private conversation with the pegasus. “Girl, what are you doing?” she asked. “Turner is going to make out with a guy! We can’t afford missing that !”
“Vinyl, I’m not making out with Octavia!”
Her voice sounded at the same time outraged and offended... but deep inside there was doubt. Vinyl knew the pegasus; she wanted the gay porn . “Look.” Vinyl took a deep breath. “Look, this is a private conversation, they can’t hear you.”
Silence.
“Are you sure?”
“Totally.”
“So Doc can’t hear us?” Derpy’s voice was losing her usual sweetness.
Vinyl smiled. “Nope. You can let it out.”
“Oh, fine then.” She sighed. “Okay, yeah, I’m totally making out with Octavia to see that thing. My Celestia, gay Doc ? That’s like a dream come true. I would kill my hypothetical firstborn son for that shit.” Derpy chuckled. “Girl, let me tell you: I hope you tape that thing, because I’ll be listening to it every night.”
“Of course I’ll be recording that.” Vinyl smirked. “Imagine all the things I could do with it! I could instantly win every argument with that asshole! I could blackmail him every time I wanted! He wants me to pay for his toilet? Oh, sorry, can’t hear you over the sound of this gay tape of yours! Want me to apologize to your mother because I called her fat? Gay tape! I need money to pay the rent and he doesn’t want to lend me some? Gay tape!”
“I guess.” Derpy laughed. “But I’ll use it for everything but that. Damn, gay Doc. That’s like my second best dream come true, really.”
“Second?”
“First one is both him and the guard in my bedroom.”
Vinyl sighed. “Of course. I still can’t see what in the name of Luna you see in him.”
“He’s perfectly fuckable. Nicest ass in Equestria,” answered Derpy.
“I beg to differ. But why did you say no to Tavi’s offer if you’re so willing to make out with her?”
“Vinyl, I would make out with my octogenarian uncle for a tape of gay Doc’s porn,” Derpy said. “But I can’t just act as like a lusty mare in front of him.”
“Oh, right.” Vinyl nodded. “That would be too much like you. The Derpy I used to know was the sultriest girl I’ve seen, right after Tavi. What happened to that girl?”
“Turner likes the innocent kind.”
“Yeah, but…” She shrugged. “I don’t know, you’re not being yourself. If you get to seduce him acting like that, then he won’t be in love with you, right?”
“Look,” Derpy said, “let me get him naked at my place first, and after I’ve let him completely dry I’ll deal with those ‘you were lying’ problems.”
“Isn’t he naked all the time?”
“You know what I mean.”
“I guess. I still think that’s not healthy, but hey.” Vinyl waved a hoof. “It’s your sex life, not mine. So you were going to say yes from the beginning? Even though you need to make out with your friend first?”
“I was waiting for somepony to ‘convince’ me first.” Derpy laughed. “I’m glad you’ve been so fast.”
“Yeah, you know me. If you need my help, or just need to piss of Turner, I’m the mare.”
“Absolutely.” Derpy sounded as happy as a foal on Hearths Warming. “And about the making out friend thing…? Well, it’s Octavia. Who hasn’t got a make out session with Tavi by now?”
Silence.
“Would you kindly repeat that?” Vinyl asked, talking slowly. “I, uh, don’t think I got it right.”
“Oh, please, Vinyl.” Derpy answered her in a weird tone. Vinyl couldn’t wrap her mind about it. Was it serious? Deadpanning? Maybe she was giggling? “It was a little fun between girls, nothing else. Don’t tell me you have never experimented with a friend?”
“Please, tell me you’re kidding.”
“You may never know.”
“With Tavi ?!”
“Hey, do you think Doc will try to join the party when Tavi and I get down to business?”
“Derpy, holy shit, you’re scaring me right now.”
“Yeah, I would like to be with another stallion instead of another mare if we’re going to have a threesome,” Derpy said. “But at this point I would do anything to get that imbecile looking at my rear, so I don’t really care. Besides, Tavi is always fun.”
“Okay, you’re clearly trying to mess with my head right now.” Vinyl coughed. “Now start that story from the beginning.”
“More details later. Now, do you mind getting back at the main conversation so I can act as a prude again? Thank you.”
Vinyl opened her mouth to say something else, but no words came out. Instead, she pushed another couple buttons, grateful for the Idiocy Mode. It may be insulting, but it sure was useful. Suddenly she could hear everypony again. “...so, a little preening for her wings and she can lick my cutie mark,” Octavia was saying. “Deal?”
“Deal,” answered Time Turner. “Always a pleasure to make business with you, Madame Phillarmonica.”
“I can lick what ?” Derpy hissed. “Doc, you are really asking for trouble, aren’t you?”
“Cut me some slack, I’m about to seduce a monster just to see your wings in Tavi’s mouth.” Turner sounded at the same time joyful and desperate. Vinyl found it funny as hell. “I hope you feel flattered.”
“How romantic.”
Silence, again.
“Turner,” Lyra said, “just remember: lay down and think of Manehattan.”
“Screw you.”
“Nah, I’m not the one getting screwed.”
“Woah,” said Vinyl, “he’s getting cocky at us?”
“Remember, Turner,” Bon Bon muttered, “no pain, no gain. You’re going to gain a lot.”
“You girls are assholes.”
“Stop worrying about our assholes and think about yours, dickhead.”
“Or about his dickhead.”
“Just how many penis jokes do you have?”
“Not enough, that’s for sure.”
Lyra kept her smirk on her face the entire time. Kicking Bon Bon had been surprisingly relaxing; she should do that more often. And even better: the earth pony had stopped talking for once, and that was so strange that she treasured every moment of silence. She absolutely loved being without Bon Bon’s chattering going on and on and on all the time. That mare was so stupid. Lyra hated her. She hated her so much. She hated everypony, but Bon Bon was a special case, because she was just so stupid and she never shut up. But now she was completely quiet. Lyra had kicked her in the head, and now she was quiet.
Of course, she was fine. She had said a couple words before, right? So it’s not like her kick killed her. No siree. Bon Bon was perfectly fine. She was just not there, and not talking to her. Lyra’s dream come true. Well, she had been without Bon Bon before, of course, like when the earth pony went out on her own. But being in the same place and being perfectly able to speak to each other—via the communicator, of course—and still no talking? That was perfect. Bon Bon had finally learned to shut the hell up. Lyra couldn’t be happier.
Eyup. It was perfect. Perfectly perfect.
She kept on rounding the house, looking for an open window to break into that stupid mansion and break shit up. And she was definitely not thinking about where the hell Bon Bon was or why she wasn’t talking to her. After all, the kick was hardly a novelty, she had done worse things before. It was, like, her thing. Besides, it had been just a kick, right? Nothing too serious. Bon Bon was perfectly fine—she had said so.
No open windows. That part of the garden was actually less wild than the backside. Lyra saw some kind of vegetable patch with potatoes and tomatoes in it. A lot of gardener tools were in there too—a shovel, a big sack filled with something brown, a rake...
She could hear nobleponies near. She was sure she could see them inside the house if she looked through the window, but she didn’t want to be spotted. So she could hear them, but she couldn’t see them. Also she was not thinking about why Bon Bon was so quiet. She wasn’t thinking about that at all. Celestia be damned, she hated that earth pony. She couldn’t be happier. No talking, even though the communicator was still on. Yeah. Paradise. She loved that situation.
She totally lov– Okay, fuck it . Where the hell was that mare and why wasn’t she talking? Lyra huffed and turned around, going to the southern part of the house, where she had kicked Bon Bon. She patted her communicator. “Bon Bon,” she said, breaking the silence.
“Hmm?” The earth pony’s voice came, and Lyra could feel herself calming down a little. She also got immediately pissed off at the answer, because she hated that mare after all, and talking with her was a pain in the ass.
“Where the hell are you?”
“Hmmmpf.” Bon Bon’s voice sounded muffled, like if she had something in her mouth. Then Lyra heard her spitting something out, and next time she talked, Bon Bon’s voice was as normal as ever. “Well, I don’t know if you remember, but you sorta kinda kicked me in the face and I rolled down this stupid cliff. Maybe it’s too blurry to you; because I guess that your long-term memory has a three-maybe-four seconds ratio and you constantly forget that being a huge ass is not exactly the best thing ever. But, well, who am I to judge, huh? I mean, it’s not your fault. The world made you this way. It’s society’s fault. They should have thrown you into a fire the moment you opened your eyes. My head hurts a lot, did you know?”
“For fuck’s sake, Lyra,” came Vinyl’s voice. “Why did you do that? She was being quiet for once! I almost forgot she was there! I was happy !”
“Yeah, I should have shut my mouth,” muttered Lyra. “Either that, or I should have kicked her harder.”
“Lyra! ” Derpy whispered. “Don’t say such things, or I’ll be angry!”
“Oh, no. An angry Derpy.” Lyra rolled her eyes. “Run for the motherfucking hills.”
“Hmmmpf.”
Lyra frowned. Bon Bon had sounded muffled again. “What in tarnation are you doing, you idiot?” she asked. “And where are you?”
Bon Bon spat again. “I’m providing us with the best distraction we can get. You’re welcome, by the way.”
“You’ve found a distraction?” Derpy’s voice came out through the communicator this time. “A good one?”
“No, a very bad one. That’s the reason why I said it was the best we have. Ask a stupid question...” Bon Bon huffed a little, like if she had trouble moving. “Now, Derpy, wait on your point until you see you can enter the house without trouble. Lyra, where are you?”
“Left side of the house.”
“Stay there, I’m going your way. I’ve finished with this anyway.”
“Octavia? Doc?” Derpy asked. “How are you doing? Have you heard this?”
“Yeah, we have. Good one, Bon. For the first time in your life you’re not useless,” said Octavia. "I’m going there first so Turner can seduce the gay one later without public. Vinyl, please, turn off my communicator—I’ll be talking a lot, I might distract you.”
“As you please, m’lady.”
“Bon Bon, what kind of distraction do you have?” Turner asked. “Because if it’s good enough, maybe I can—.”
“Turner, I’m only doing it because you’re distracting the guard,” interrupted Bon. “I can’t do anything otherwise. We make noise, go in there, get Carrot, get out and once you’ve finished doing the snu-snu we go back to our houses and everything is fine and dandy.”
“I hate you so much.”
“Everypony does,” said Lyra. “And you still haven’t told us what the distraction is, Bonnie. What are you planning?”
“Don’t call me that; you’re not my mother. And I thank Celestia for that, because I’m sure that any foal unlucky enough to have you as her motherly figure would try to strangle herself with her diapers after three days of dealing with your shit. As for my plan, turn around and see for yourself.”
Lyra did so, and her eyes opened wide at the sight that unfolded upon her. Bon Bon, a wild smile in her face and a weird sparkle in her eyes, was carrying a bag filled with...
“Bonnie, is that what I think it is?”
“What?” Vinyl asked them with an eager voice. “I think I’m missing something, and after gay Turner nothing can go wrong today. What is it?”
Bon Bon chuckled. “It’s the prankster’s most beautiful dream come true, my little awful musician. You see, when Lyra kicked me for the sole reason of being a huge idiot, I ended up finding Blueblood’s own private garden. And with ‘private’, I mean private .”
“Oh, no. You’re not saying...”
“Yes.” Bon Bon threw the bag to the ground and licked her lips. “Origanum, weed, Green Fantasy, Dream Hay, clover and some weird red leaf I had never seen.”
“Wait.” As Lyra approached to the bag and inspected what was inside, Derpy talked through the communicator. “Are you saying that Blueblood has a drug garden here?”
“No. No he has not.” Bon Bon pointed at the bag. “In fact, everything you see? Yeah, I completely took it out of my ass. I had this thing with me the entire time. I’m, like, a complete junkie. Oh yes, I—“
“Yes, shut it.” Lyra looked at the herbs. “Holy crap, if we sell this we can end up with fifteen thousand bits at least. And that’s not counting that red thing. What is it?”
Bon Bon shrugged. “No idea.”
“Red?” Turner talked this time. “Excuse me for not paying attention, but Octavia seducing that guard is awfully interesting. Anyway, correct me if I’m wrong: you say there’s a red drug in there?”
“No. No, we didn’t say so. In fact, I didn’t mention it like three thousand times, Turner. Gosh, you’re incredibly smart, did you know that?”
“Go fuck a nail, Bon,” Turner said. “Lyra, is there anything red? It’s kinda important.”
“Yeah. Red leaves, purple dots. You know what it is?”
“Well...”
“I sure do,” said Vinyl, “and the best thing you could do is throw it away right now. It’s Red Fantasy, although some ponies call it FTS.”
“FTS?”
“Fairies, Then Shit . It makes you feel magical and like flying, but then your magic dust goes out.” Vinyl sighed. “And then everything feels like shit, always. You need another bit to feel good, and after a little while, there’s nopony in there. Only fairies and, deep inside, a pool filled with crap.”
“Celestia,” said Derpy. “And Blueblood has that thing? No wonder he’s an imbecile.”
“What are you going to do with that material anyway?” Vinyl asked. “You don’t use anything in there, right?”
“Of course we do.” Bon Bon rolled her eyes. “Didn’t you hear me? I love doing drugs. I’m going to smoke all this shit, including that incredibly dangerous red thing. Oh yes, I can barely wait, I really want to get as high as the freaking moon as soon as possible. That’s the entire reason why I told you this was a distraction, you see. Because I wanted to get stoned. That’ll be so incredibly useful I don’t see why I don’t have an entire sack of drugs with me all the time—oh, wait a minute, I do! Well that makes the situation even better!”
“We can use this to get the entire party stoned,” said Lyra. “Well, for once this piece of shit we know as Bon Bon has had a good idea. I light up this little beauty and we split. Bon Bon throws the biggest one at the garden, Derpy a little bit in the second floor and I do the same with the first one.”
“But, guys…” Derpy sounded doubtful. “I really want to rescue Carrot Top, but isn’t it a little extreme? I mean, I don’t want the ponies at the party to be throwing up fairies for years. That’s just evil.”
“Eh.” Bon Bon frowned. “Eeeeh. I guess so?”
“You can always light up everything but the FST,” said Vinyl. “The plan is really good.”
“There are a lot of red leaves. It would take forever...”
“Maybe you don’t need to do that,” Turner said. “The Red Fantasy is related to the Green Fantasy, but the way you take it is very different. You don’t smoke it, you’re supposed to sniff it. You need to cut the leaves, crush them and put some kind of light acid on the mix...”
“Acid?” Derpy said in something that was barely a whisper. “Ponies sniff something that has acid ?”
“Go big or go home,” Lyra said.
“Using Vinyl’s beautiful metaphor, the acid helps the fairies go out easier.” Turner paused. “And then it causes ninety percent of the shit, if I’m correct. Anyway, the plant isn’t harmful per se; the way it’s taken makes it harmful.”
“So, there’s nothing bad if we burn this thing?” Derpy said. “We’re safe?”
“We should be,” answered Turner. “I’m not a hundred percent sure, but... Vinyl, have you ever seen a pony smoking this thing?”
“No.” Vinyl’s voice came sour. “And I’ve seen ponies sniffing it only once, in a party. I went home and stopped seeing those ponies immediately. That shit is no good, girls.”
“No way. Doing drugs is bad?” Bon Bon rolled her eyes. “Way to blow my mind, Vinyl. What’s next? A lecture about safe sex? A speech about how bad it is to hit foals? A—?”
“So nopony smokes it?” Turner interrupted. “Vinyl?”
“Nah,” Vinyl said. “I mean, it’s what you said. You sniff it.”
“So, as I thought,” he said, clapping his hooves. “If you burn that thing, it will be destroyed, but no fairies.”
“Let’s burn it then,” Lyra muttered. “I mean, what’s the worst thing that can happen?”
“We can destroy the lives of a lot of ponies we don’t know.”
“Do I look like I care?”
“No.”
“Then let’s do this.”
“Wait.” Derpy interrupted the girls’ conversation. “I think we’re forgetting something here—Doc seducing that huge pony and this junkie prank are good things, but...”
“You’re forgetting your make-out session with Octavia,” muttered Turner. “Just saying.”
“Yes, yes, of course. So homosexuality and drugs aside, weren’t we here to rescue Carrot Top?”
Silence.
“Yo, DJ.” Lyra tapped her communicator. “Tell us where the hell is that stupid friend of ours.”
“Third floor.”
“Well then, the plan goes on.” Bon Bon emptied the bag of drugs and made three groups with its content. She put the biggest one back in the sack again. “We light this thing once Turner is distracting the guard; I get the bag and go outside. Derpy, you better come here now, because Lyra will have to start the fire before you throw it in the second floor and we don’t want you to fly high.” She paused. “Heh. Anyway, once they get what’s happening and start screaming, we get Carrot Top and get away as soon as possible.”
“You know,” Turner said, “the plan will only work because the smoke of those things is white. Once they notice what’s happening, the guards won’t bother us. And you’re already inside, so why am I dealing with that monster?”
“Mostly because it’s funny,” said Vinyl. “Also, Derpy and Octavia.”
“Oh, right. So we’re just acting like idiots for the sake of it.”
“Yeah.”
“Uh-huh.”
“I myself couldn’t have said it better.”
“Well then.” Turner sighed. “Octavia is laughing, and both she and the hetero guard seem to be having a good time. I guess they’re going to the forest soon and the gay one will be left alone.” His voice was trembling a little, Lyra noticed. “Time to behave like imbeciles.”
Author's Note
People seem to like this story. Weird.
I love this chapter because for a second, Lyra shows she has emotions. But don't worry, it doesn't last longer than three seconds.
Also, Bon Bon is specifically designed to be as annoying as possible both for the readers and for the characters. I adore her.
Special thanks to Selbi , who joined the editors team with this chapter.
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Long Story Short, Things Went Down
Third Chapter: We Followed The Plan, Or At Least We Tried
Carrot Top was not a stupid pony.
And if there was something she hated, it was when ponies called her stupid. Luckily for her, almost nopony called her stupid anymore, if only because she was very good at showing she didn’t like it.
Then again, she was very good at showing what she didn’t like. And she didn’t like a lot of things. Maybe that was the reason why she didn’t exactly have a lot of friends.
But, for the first time in forever, her actions were more or less justified. Yes, she was seeking revenge. Again. This was the third time this week. However, unlike the other two times, this was something objectively important: no impolite waiter, no off-hoof insult to her mother’s pride… No, this time it was an offense so big that absolutely every living being would act the same. Carrot Top was sure of that.
Having a noblepony coltfriend had been a good experience. The Bastard family was one of the most beloved houses in Canterlot. Although Carrot had been a little annoyed by the incredibly high amount of time her Cheating had been away “doing some important business”. But leaving that aside? Quite the good time!
Then, a couple hours ago, she had discovered that ‘important’ was codename for ‘my secretary’ and ‘business’ meant ‘in all the orifices imaginable until we’re so wasted up we can barely move’.
Even Carrot Top herself knew that it had been a very bad idea on Cheating’s part.
Really, she just wasn’t the kind of pony that opens the door when she discovers you screwing your secretary to the floor and starts yelling at you. No. She was the kind of pony that went to her house, got dressed with the fanciest clothes possible and showed up at the party you were supposed to go together. And she waited there.
Alone.
In a corner of the third floor.
She knew that Cheating would enter through the door she was staring at at some point, looking for her and without any kind of clue about what was going to happen. And boy is he going to find out .
Around her there was a crowd of ponies, but surprisingly nopony looked at her right in the eye. They were a little afraid, apparently. Everypony was a little afraid of Carrot Top when she got that kind of grin on her face.
It wasn’t a scary grin, oh no. A scary grin is the one that says “I’m gonna kick you” or “you’re going to lose a limb here”. Her grin was a normal grin. If one looked at it, one would see only the words "hello, dear".
But her grin said that with that kind of voice. The one that sounds like it’s no big deal but still make ponies shiver. It was the kind of "hello, dear" that is usually followed by "we need to talk" and then it’s third-degree-murder-time.
But you could only see that if you stared at her grin for a couple seconds. And nopony did.
Carrot Top had been there for hours, imagining Cheating looking for her like crazy, not knowing what to do. In the end, he would show up at the party on his own, if only because he was forced to by common courtesy. And then, long story short, things would go down.
And so, Carrot waited, knowing that she was going to get what she wanted. The thought that beating a noblepony senseless in the middle of Prince Blueblood’s birthday party could bring her a lot of trouble didn’t register in her head. But Carrot Top wasn’t stupid. Nopony was crazy enough to say that.
She was just a little hot-headed.
Besides, she didn’t really think of anything while waiting for him. She just smirked and stared at the door. After all, if she had thought of anything the realization that having a pony named Cheating Bastard as a coltfriend hadn’t been a good idea since the beginning would hit her. And that would have meant that she was, indeed, a little stupid.
And let’s be honest: not even Carrot Top’s brain was crazy enough to tell Carrot Top she was stupid. Celestia knew what would she do to the poor thing if that happened.
Octavia snorted in a very sexy way, feeling Turner’s stare on her back, and walked a little slower. The guards had already seen her, of course, but her purpose was to get their attention as much as possible.
Luckily for her, she was still away from the guards when Vinyl’s voice came through the communicator again.
“Um, Tavi?” Vinyl asked, worry in her voice. “Are you there?”
“No, you’re talking to the communicator in my ear but I’m not here. The guards are right in front of me, I can’t talk !” she whispered, trying not to move her mouth too much. The guards were still looking at her.
“Yeah, yeah, sorry. It’s just...” Vinyl swallowed. Octavia could imagine her licking her lips nervously. “This is a private conversation, you know?”
“Yes, wonderful.” Octavia hadn’t stopped walking, and now the guards were far closer. She tried to put off some sexy ventriloquism, but with no mirror to look herself at while doing so, she couldn’t know if she was doing it right. “I still can’t talk.”
“Oh, right. Eh... well.” A pause. “It’s not like it’s important, really. It’s just... uh. I don’t...”
“Vinyl!”
“Okay, okay! I was just... wondering, nothing else!” Vinyl whispered. “About, you know, what you offered to Turner. The Derpy thing. I just wanted to know if you feel comfortable with it. You know, I can talk to Turner and...”
Octavia rolled her eyes. She stopped for a moment—she was too close to the guards to talk while looking at them now, anyway—and looked at her hooves, as if she had stepped on something. “Vinyl, pardon my Fancy, but I don’t have time for this shit ,” she hissed between her teeth. “Derpy’s a friend, Turner’s a friend, one is hot and the other’s an idiot and why the hell would I feel uncomfortable with something I actually asked ?! Hung up!”
Silence.
“I just...”
“You’re trying to be a good friend, it’s cute as can be, I thank you, now shut up and let me work ,” Octavia said as fast as she could. “We have all the time in the world to talk about my feelings later!”
“Uh.” Vinyl gulped. “Yeah, you’re right. This was just dumb from me. I kinda talked with Derpy and... you know what? Never mind.” Her voice became her usual happy tone again. “You go and show those guards who’s the best one at the game, girl!”
“Of course.” Octavia stopped acting like an idiot and walked to the guards again. “Thank you, kisses, now let me alone,” she managed to mutter before getting too close to do so.
“I’m the one who should say that,” answered Vinyl. “You’re the one who’s bringing us gay Turner after all!”
Octavia just smiled. The guards were looking at her, and she could see in their eyes that they had recognized her. Not like anypony could forget her easily anyway. “Hello, boys,” she said, using the voice that had saved her from prison at least four times. “Having a good night here?”
The one on the right, a big pile of muscles with a brown fur, a yellow mare and a steel bar as a cutie mark answered with a goofy smile. “Way better now that you’re here, miss Octavia.”
“Oh, Steel, how gallant.”
Vinyl didn’t say another word. Octavia guessed she had stopped the connection again.
Turner was hidden so the guards couldn’t see him, but he could see them. He wasn’t really sure if he was grateful for that—Octavia was obviously paying more attention to the least muscular guard. So he had to be the straight one, which meant that Turner was going to deal with what could only be described as a hefty, apocalyptic beast who clearly liked corporeal growth hormones a little too much. Every time Turner looked at him, the stallion looked bigger.
Of course, the idea of Octavia and Derpy making out furiously in front of him was a powerful motivation to overcome his fears, but even with that... Turner sighed and kicked the ground.
“Having doubts, Turner?” Vinyl said.
He rolled his eyes. “Excuse me for being sensitive about my ass being destroyed. It’s a sore point of mine, you see.”
A chuckle. “Good one”
Turner shook his head. “Gotta remain funny if I want the mares to be crazy about me, right?”
A pause. And then Vinyl talked with an unusual tone. “Yeah, I guess...” It sounded almost melancholic. “So, not so nervous after all?”
“I’m gonna try to seduce a pony who can pound me to death in a few seconds. So obviously I’m incredibly calm. Heck, I’m dying to do that! It’s the best night of my life! Girl, I sure love scary muscular stallions all over me! It’s a dream come true!”
“Okay, you’re still hysterical.” Vinyl sighed. “He is not going to pound you and you know it. Even if you go there and he thinks you want the booty, he won’t do anything if you just say ‘no’.”
Turner frowned “Vinyl?” he asked. “Are you okay?”
“Wha-yes! Why shouldn’t I? I’m just, you know, being serious for once.” Vinyl snorted. “It’s not like you’re in danger or something, and the jokes are getting old.”
He licked his lips. “Do you mind turning this conversation into a private one? No offense, girls, but I need to ask something to Vinyl.”
“Eh, it’s already private.” Vinyl sounded like a schoolfilly getting caught doing something bad. “The girls are talking about the plan, and... Well, I thought… You know.”
Silence fell between them for a couple seconds, until Turner frowned and sat down, forgetting about Octavia and the gay guard for a moment. “Vinyl, do you want to talk about something?”
“Um. No.”
“Yeah, okay.” Turner raised an eyebrow. “Then, please, talk to Octavia and ask her to buy us more time. I’m willing to stay here all night if you want to. I don’t really mind Carrot going to jail if it means me not going downstairs.”
“Uh.”
“Vinyl, you were trying to be nice to me,” he insisted. “You’re not nice. Buy us some time.”
A pause.
“Okay.” Vinyl sounded guilty again, and a couple seconds after that single word she talked again. “Done. Tavi knows how to deal with stallions, so we have at least ten minutes.”
Her voice broke a little while saying that. “And that’s apparently a bad thing?” Turner asked. “Is there something wrong with Octavia?” He frowned. “Do you want me to tell her that she doesn’t need to make out with Derpy? Because she’s an adult, and I am—”
“No, no, no!” Vinyl interrupted him. “No, it has nothing to do with Tavi and Derpy, okay? Nothing to do. At all.”
“Uh-huh, I believe you. So—”
“Okay, I was lying, Derpy and Octavia have been fooling around,” Vinyl interrupted in a whisper. “Like, I don’t know exactly how long have they been doing it, but I’m sure they’ve, done it at least once .”
Turner blinked. “Woah. Well, that’s... cool? You mean they’re like a couple? Huh.” He scratched his nose. “I honestly didn’t know they swung that way. But both of them have had coltfriends before, right? Or were they lying? You’re upset because they have been lying to us?”
“No!” This time Vinyl didn’t whisper. It was more like one of her usual yellings. Turner felt a little relieved for it. “No, they’re not a couple! Well, or so I think. Derpy has just said the make-out session they’re going to share because you asked for it is not going to be the first. And...” She coughed. “Yeah. That.”
“Oh.” Turner shrugged. “That’s a completely different thing, I guess.” A pause. “Does that make you uncomfortable, Vinyl? Do you want to talk about it?”
“No!” A pause. “I mean, yes. I want to talk about it. But it doesn’t make me feel uncomfortable. Or...” Turner could hear her taking off her glasses. Uh-oh. This is serious business then . “It shouldn’t make me feel uncomfortable, right? I mean, I’m okay with this kind of thing, you know?”
“Hey, it’s not your fault if you feel uncomfortable about the whole deal, I think.” Turner chuckled. “It’s not something good at all, of course, but, you know how this work. The way you’ve been educated may have to do something with it. You just need to understand that they’re still the same ponies you know and… I’ll say ‘love’ in lack of a better term.”
“It’s not like that!” Vinyl said. “I’m totally cool with gay ponies, okay? I’m like, the most gay-friendly pony you would ever know.”
“I see.”
“And, it’s not the fact that it’s been Derpy,” she continued. “I don’t care about it. I mean, Derpy is also a very good friend of mine, and she’s totally cool. But, Octavia didn’t say anything. Hell, I’m sure she didn’t even think about telling me because she didn’t think it was important!”
“Oh.” Turner nodded again. “Yeah, I can see your point. Derpy is my best friend and she didn’t say a word about this either. Then again, I don’t see why she should do that.” He shrugged. “Not my business. Although it would be awesome if she just came to me one day and said ‘hey Doc, I’ve been lesbianing with Octavia all night long! Do you want any photos?’ It would be quite the experience.”
“What?!” Vinyl yelled. Turner flinched. “I thought you had a thing with Derpy!”
“It’s... complicated.” Turner sighed. “We’re not a thing though. So you have a crush on Octavia?”
“What? No!” The communicator trembled at the volume of Vinyl’s voice. “I don’t have a crush on her. You’re an asshole.”
“I’m sure insulting me will help.” Turner tapped the communicator, slightly deafened by his friend’s screaming. “Then why are you so upset? I’m not telling anypony, you have my word.”
“Shut up.”
Silence.
“I don’t have a crush on her, okay?” she said. “That’s for sure.”
“Okay.”
“I mean it!”
“Yeah, sure.”
Silence.
“But, I could have a crush on her if I wanted,” Vinyl said. “It’s like, I thought Octavia was straight as an arrow, you know?”
“I can see why. Then again, this is Octavia. We shouldn’t be surprised about her swinging both ways.” He paused. “Eh, not like I mean that every promiscuous pony out there is…”
“Yes, I know what you mean,” Vinyl interrupted. “Octavia likes to have a good time here and there, and she is very open-minded. But, I didn’t know that she liked to, you know. That she was one.”
“A filly fooler?” Turner asked. “Well, it makes sense for her not to scream that kind of things to everypony that passes by. You know how society is.” He frowned. “If a mare likes to have a good time in the bed, she’s a slut. Octavia already deals with that kind of opinion, but what do you think it would happen if ponies knew she also likes mares? It wouldn’t be pretty, that’s for sure.”
“I guess it makes sense.” Vinyl sighed. “But, I’m her best friend! Why did she tell Derpy and not me? I wouldn’t have called her anything! Hell, I would beat senseless any bastard stupid enough to do so!” A pause. Her voice broke a little. “She didn’t trust me. That’s what annoys me.”
“Hmmm.” Turner took a look at the stairs. Octavia was still talking with the ponies, although now she seemed completely centered in only the hetero one. “Well,” he said, “I don’t want to offend you, but you didn’t tell her you swing both ways either.”
Bam . Suddenly Vinyl got more quiet than Turner's dear grandmother, who had been dead for fifteen years. “I see you haven’t stopped to think about this little detail, right?” he said.
Turner could imagine Vinyl staring at the computer screen, frozen. “You... why do you think I’m bi too?”
“You told me. You’re not good at keeping things to yourself.”
“Oh.”
“Look, Vinyl,” he said, “For the first time in the whole night, I’m being serious. So just shut up and listen, okay?” Vinyl didn’t say a thing, so he continued. “Octavia is your friend , and yet you didn’t tell her anything about you and your love for polishing pearls. May I ask why?”
“Bec—”
“Because either you were afraid or you were embarrassed,” Turner said, “and because telling her so makes it sound like you have a crush on her. Even if you don’t have one.”
“How did you...?”
“I’m smart.”
“So you think Octavia feels the same? Or...?”
“Well, Octavia is a little harder to read,” Turner answered, “mostly because she’s not as stupid as you.” He smiled. “So I can’t be sure. I can guess if you want.”
Vinyl took a deep breath. “It’s kinda pathetic, but it would help a lot, if you don’t mind.”
Turner smiled. “You are kind of pathetic.”
“Said the pot to the kettle.”
“Well then.” Turner looked at the sky. “You can say that Octavia feels the same, for example. Maybe she just didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable. You two are very close after all. So maybe she thought that you may have thought that she had a crush on you because blahblahblah you already know this. And you were feeling the same way all along. Oh, the irony!”
“Cut the sarcasm. Asshole.” Vinyl said. Turner was sure she was smiling. “But that doesn’t explain the Derpy thing! I mean, I think Derpy is cute, but... why did Octavia choose her as, you know, material to have a good night? Why didn’t she...” She gulped. “Oh Celestia, you’re not talking about this later with anypony, right?”
“You have my word.”
“Okay,” she said. “So, why didn’t she choose me ? I get that she wants to keep the equal lover part as a secret because some idiot may call her a super-slut, but we’re her friends! I’m her friend! And if Derpy is going to be comfortable with that kind of situation, then why shouldn’t I be super-comfortable with it too?” Turner could hear her hitting the computer with a hoof. “Hell, I’m not even angry at the fact that she’s seeing other ponies right now; it’s not like we’re a couple. I even convinced Derpy to make out with her because I thought it would be hot! But, but she didn’t trust me!” Another hit to the keyboard. “And that sucks.”
Turner licked his lips. “Well, I think she didn’t take her night with Derpy very seriously. I mean, no offense, but Octavia really gets around.”
“...Yeah.”
“Still, she takes her coltfriends seriously.” Turner shrugged. “Well, she has only had two real ones, but she was very loyal and stuff.”
“What a shame they were such a pair of assholes.”
“Yeah, it seems like you girls are horrible at picking mates,” Turner said.
“Derpy chose you.”
“Okay, maybe you’re not so horrible then. Anyway, do you remember how it went with the coltfriends?” Turner snorted. “Octavia didn’t do anything with them until they were a couple. She wanted the sex to be something special .”
“Of course, because sex is the most mundane thing you can do. Everyday stuff.”
“For Octavia? Yes.” Turner looked downstairs again. Eyup, the gray mare was still talking with the guards. “Your point being?”
“Hmph.”
“But of course, there’s something more than the mere coitus.” Turner shrugged. “Love, intimacy, yaddah yaddah, that kind of crap. Octavia takes sex seriously when it’s serious, and takes it as a simple enjoyable activity when it’s nothing but that. Simple.”
“So,” Vinyl said, “you’re telling me she thought her thing with Derpy wasn’t serious.”
“Yes,” he said. “But you are her best friend, so maybe she didn’t want you to think she saw you as a mere toy. You are important to her.”
“I... see. Poor Derpy, though.”
“I’m pretty sure she didn’t mind,” Turner said. “She’s almost as sexual as Octavia.”
“I guess.”
“Have I helped?”
“Yes.” Vinyl sighed. “Thank you, Turner. I kinda needed something like this to clear my mind a little.” She chuckled. “Now you can go down there and have a good time. You can try to lube it with your tears.”
“Okay, I see that you’re back to normal.” Turner sighed. “I still need to wait for Octavia to leave the other one alo—”
“She’s already done that.”
“What?” Turner looked downstairs again. Octavia had been there a couple seconds ago, was now gone. Turner could guess she was now lost in the middle of the huge garden that surrounded the house. The enormous guard was alone, looking somewhat pissed off. “Oh for crying out loud! How did you know?!”
“I told her she could go whenever she wanted to. She immediately asked the guard if he wanted to go to the woods with her.”
“Perfect.” Turner sighed. “So I think it’s time for me to go there, right?”
“Nah. Wait two minutes. I know how stallions think, and I don’t believe that being gay really matters. You’re all a bunch of idiots.”
“Thanks.”
“So,” Vinyl continued, “you just need to go down there and be polite to him. You don’t even need to ‘seduce’ him. Just be polite and cute and then suddenly ask him if he wants to go to the woods with you. Believe me, he’ll think you’ve been flirting with him all night.”
“But if I go down there like that, just to be polite, it will be obvious that I want something out of him!”
“Exactly,” Vinyl said. “He’ll think you want his dick. That’s the entire point of this plan, Turner.”
“Ugh.”
“Hey, no pain no gain.”
There was no party like a Blueblood party. Mostly because it was the most boring thing you could ever experience. Usually ponies thought that being a bachelor with such a... fame , Blueblood would be a wild animal once the moon raised. Loud music, beautiful mares, dancing, singing, alcohol—a party like you have never seen! The hangover would last for weeks!
But sadly, Blueblood was not only an idiot. He was a boring idiot. He liked quiet, calmed talks with nobleponies. He liked classical music. He liked to remain as classy as possible all the time. So his parties were like a cheap knock-off of the Grand Galloping Gala, only without the Princesses, and thus, absolutely zero good things.
But you couldn’t just present your excuses and spend the night in a bar or something funnier. Blueblood was royalty . So for a lot of nobleponies, Blueblood’s birthday was just another opportunity to spend a whole night in a quiet room, talking about something more or less interesting with ponies you didn’t really like, trying to fight boredom.
The possibility of something interesting happening in a party hosted by Blueblood was so little nopony believed it even existed. So, when word spread about a seemingly psychopathic, always-smiling orange mare in the third floor, the news was welcomed like a hot cup of tea and a blanket in the middle of a blizzard.
“So she just stands there and stares at the door?” asked Fleur de Lis, Fancy Pant’s beloved. It was unusual to see her without her fiancé, but the white stallion had called sick. He was lucky—only a few ponies were important enough to afford insulting Blueblood like that. “That’s everything she does?”
“Yes.” Star Gazer, a gray pony with a telescope cutie mark shook his head. “But, believe me, it’s more than you think. The way she stares is...” He shivered. “Unbelievable.”
“She stares into your soul,” added a pink mare named Royal Ribbon. She was, as always, wearing a saddle that covered her flank. She never took off that saddle. Rumors said she slept with that thing on. As a result, absolutely nopony knew what her cutie mark was—there were some bets about it, the most popular option being that she had a saddle as her cutie mark. The second most popular option was that her cutie mark was a saddle hidden by a saddle. Imagination wasn’t the forte of Canterlot nobility—it might had something to do with their tradition of marrying their own cousins. “Her pupils, gaze into... your soul, and read your... your soul!”
“Yes, exactly! You feel like, a shiver deep inside... almost as if...” Gazer’s voice became an ominous whisper. “Almost as if she could, I don’t know, stare into your soul .
“Amazing,” said Fleur de Lis. Both Star Gazer and Royal Ribbon nodded, not aware of the sarcasm. Fleur didn’t like to think she was always surrounded by idiots, but for Luna’s mighty gonads, she was always surrounded by idiots.
And then a voice interrupted their talk. “She’s no good mare, I can tell!”
They were in the second floor of the mansion—which meant, of course, that they were in the dance hall of the second floor. Every floor of that mansion had a dance hall, which was as weird as can be, but Canterlot’s architecture was everything but normal. The dance hall was, of course, filled with ponies, as that was a party after all. And ponies liked to talk to each other. Yet, interrupting a conversation like that, without introducing yourself or at least waiting for the pony who’s talking to turn around and face you? That was just rude. Fleur frowned a little while turning around.
And then she saw who was talking and sighed. But of course : Jet Set and Upper Crust. Two unicorns, both with a sweater and a shirt draped on their backs and knotted at the front of their necks. They were husband and wife, Fleur believed. Or just a couple. Or maybe friends? As far as she knew, they could even be siblings (which now that she thought about it, didn’t have to mean that they weren’t married. Canterlot’s traditions were weird after all). Hell, Fleur didn’t even know who was Jet Set and who was Upper Crust. For her, they were just one pony. Jet-Set-and-Upper-Crust.
“I can see in her eyes that she doesn’t know how to behave. Such smile. Where does she think she is? This is a place of proper ponies!”
They even had the same weird accent. Either they were faking it or they just didn’t know how to talk without biting their tongue. “Well, a smile can’t be so bad,” Fleur said in the most polite way possible. “Does anypony even know who she is? An orange mare...”
“Well, I think it’s Cheating Bastard’s beloved,” said the stallion half of Jet-Set-and-Upper-Crust. “I’m sure that when he arrives he’s going to suffer her stare too. Or maybe he’ll go and talk with her?”
“What a horrible torture,” Fleur said. “I’m sure he will survive though.”
The ponies just looked at her, confused. Fleur sighed.
That was the reason she didn’t like to talk. Usually she let Fancy Pants say as much as he pleased for both of them, and she just nodded and tried to look pretty. Not the most dignified of activities, but it was either do that or try to talk with nobleponies. She found more enjoyable the act of hitting her head against a wall multiple times. “I mean, it’s not like two eyes can be a weapon. Nopony has slain a dragon with a stare.”
“Well, of course,” said Star Gazer. “But you haven’t seen her, Madame De Lis. She’s just... it feels like she’s—”
“Staring into your soul?”
“Exactly!”
Fleur sighed. This is going to be a long night.
“Just talk to him like normal and try to make him laugh,” Vinyl had said. “And make sure he gets you’re interested in him. I mean, that's simple, because you’re obviously walking down there to talk with him, and his friend just got lucky with Tavi. It shouldn’t be too hard for him to add two plus two.”
“Uh-huh.” Turner had felt his voice trembling. “If you say so.”
“Don’t be so nervous. I’m sure nothing’s gonna happen. Maybe you’ll make out a little, and that’s it.”
“Yeah sure.” Turner had gulped. “That definitely makes me more comfortable, Vinyl. Are you sure you don’t want to keep talking about Octavia? I mean, she’s right now doing who-knows-what with the other guard in the woods, so maybe you—”
“Turner, shut up and go downstairs.”
And so, Time Turner gulped again, kicked the ground to show his frustration, took a deep breath and walked downstairs, trying to look confident. He was sweating, but that shouldn’t be too bad—a sweating mare could be very sexy, so maybe a sweating stallion was more or less the same.
Turner tried to look casual yet seducing. Octavia always acted that way, and he was sure he could do it. His friend wiggled her hips in a certain way while walking and looked straight into your eyes. The result was amazing, as you always felt like she was flirting with you even when she was just asking the time. He tried to do that, an insecure smile in her face instead of the cocky grin Octavia liked so much. Then he started humming, adding some points to his ‘casual’ look.
He tripped.
Luckily for him, he didn’t roll all the way down the stairs—he just fell. Once his face met the floor he left out a cry of pain that was certainly not sexy enough for the act, so he immediately tried to turn it into a sensual moaning, like the ones Octavia did when she said her front legs hurt after playing her cello for hours.
The result was something among the lines of “AUCHhggmmmmmmmmmmnnnnh~?”
Then he tried to stand up in a classy way, again imitating Octavia. She always did it slowly, with her head facing the ground just a little longer than it should, so she could raise her face and make her mane float in the wind right in time to look you straight into your eyes.
He was nervous, so he tried to hum again, got up too fast, hurt his neck while trying to float his nonexistent long mane and then tripped again.
This time he couldn’t get his balance. So he fell downstairs.
And rolled all the way down to the guard’s hooves.
While moaning and humming sensually all the time.
Meanwhile, the guard, who was named Oregon Tail and had a steady boyfriend waiting for him back in his house, wondered what the hell was wrong with that pony and what kind of drug he had been taking. Then he rolled down to his hooves while yelling some kind of yodel song and stood there, sweating and breathing heavily.
Turner then got up. He stopped moaning because something inside his mind told him that it was a little too ridiculous to work, and tried to do again that thing with the neck Octavia always did.
He forgot the fact that he had hurt his neck like ten seconds ago, so his neck made a cracking sound and he yelped again in pain. Then some sweat drops fell into his eyes. It hurt, and he was using his hoof to rub his neck, so he tried to blink to ease the pain. As a result, his eyes filled with tears.
Then he realized he hadn’t even introduced himself, so he tried to fix that mistake as soon as possible. “HELLO! HOW’S BEEN THE NIGHT?!” he screamed.
That was the exact moment when Oregon Tail realized that the pony in front of him had a mental problem.
Turner realized that he had talked way louder than expected, so he cleared his throat with a cough, wiped out the tears in his eyes and mentally slapped himself. Focus, Turner! What had Vinyl said? ‘Try to make him laugh’! It couldn’t be so difficult.
“So, uh.” He gulped. His mind was blank. All his life telling jokes, and the moment he needed one, he had nothing. “Uh... my neck hurts.”
He stared at the guard, who said nothing. In fact, the hulky pony was looking at him in a very weird way. So Turner tried again. “Uh, one of my greatest hits, right?”
Oregon Tail looked at him with pity. “You okay, buddy?” he said, using his most polite tone. “That sure was a good fall. You hurt bad?”
“Uh, only in my pride.” Turner tried a weak smile. Well, the laughing part hadn’t worked. Vinyl had also said something about paying attention, so he tried to look right into the guard’s eyes. But it was very hard, so he decided to look into the space between the guard’s eyes, hoping that he wouldn’t notice.
He got cross-eyed. While still crying.
Something happened behind the door. Turner could hear what sounded like an... explosion? And some screams. Alarms went wild in his head. That had Lyra’s name written all over it.
The guard frowned and looked in the mansion’s direction. The noises hadn’t been very loud, so not everything was lost. Turner believed he could still call the guard’s attention and make him forget everything else.
So he cleared his throat with a cough to make him look in his direction, stared at the space between the guard’s eyes again and put on his best sexy smile. You need to be funny, Turner, he thought. Pay attention and be funny. “And, uh, why did the chicken cross the road?”
Silence.
“T-to get to the other side!” His sexy smile faded when he realized what was he saying. “And, um, the joke is that there’s a double meaning, you see? Because the chicken crosses the road to get to the other side, but ‘the other side’ can be seen as ‘the other side of life’, like in ‘the Afterlife’, because the chicken is committing suicide by crossing the road and...”
His words died in his mouth. Well, at least now the pony was looking at him and not at the door. Desperate, Turner wiggled his hips a little just to add something to the whole image.
Meanwhile, Oregon Tail had been convinced the brown stallion had escaped from a mental institution. For sure the best thing for him would be to go back there before he hurt himself. Sadly, Steel Bar had been stupid enough to go to the woods with that Octavia mare, and he couldn’t just leave the door alone. Of course, nopony was going to break into Blueblood’s party, but it was his job. And those explosions were weird. Maybe he should go investigate...
Then he saw the stallion was, judging by the way he wiggled his butt and crossing his legs, holding his urge to pee.
“Okay, here is where I draw the line,” Oregon said. “Come with me buddy, I’ll get you to a better place in no time.”
The other stallion froze. Oregon frowned. Had he scared the poor guy? The last thing he wanted to deal with was with some terrified pony hurting himself. “Hey, don’t worry,” Oregon said. “I’ll be gentle with you, okay? I won’t hurt you at all.”
And then the other stallion started to scream and ran into the woods.
Oregon facehoofed. “Oh for fuck’s sake. You!” he yelled, running after the pony. “You, come here! You shouldn’t be alone here! I can take you to a more comfortable place, don’t be scared of me! I’m one of the good guys!”
Author's Note
Unedited chapter as Selbi is sick. Go and make him feel better.
Not really happy with this chapter. When Bon Bon and Lyra are not there, the quality drops down, right?
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Long Story Short, Things Went Down
Fourth Chapter: We Lost Control Pretty Quickly
Bon Bon, Lyra, and Derpy had been playing tic-tac-toe for what seemed like hours when Vinyl’s voice finally came through the communicator. “Girls, do it now! The guard is distracted!”
“Ah?” Derpy raised her head, a huge grin in her face. “Is he seducing the guard already?”
Silence.
“He’s trying and that’s what really matters here,” said Vinyl. “Anyway, move! You gotta be fast!”
Derpy frowned at those words, but said nothing. By her side, Lyra and Bon Bon got up and prepared the drugs.
The plan was easy. Bon Bon had to take the sack with the biggest amount of mixed herbs and toss it in the front garden; Derpy would hold a smaller part with her hooves and toss it in the second floor; and finally Lyra would use her magic to put the drugs into the first floor. Nothing could go wrong if they followed those steps.
Once each one was holding her part, Lyra closed her eyes, her horn glittered and a little spark appeared in the center of every pile of drugs. Without saying a word, Bon Bon ran to the front door with the sack in her mouth, and Derpy flew as fast as possible to the open window she had seen before.
The reason why they were running was simple: knowing that you’re holding enough drugs to stone an entire party wasn’t exactly a comfortably thought. Unconsciously, the three of them saw the herbs as a bomb, something they had to throw away soon.
And who would have guessed? They were right!
If Vinyl or Turner had been a little more into the drug world they would have known that some ponies had tried to smoke FTS before, because there are really stupid ponies out there. But shortly after those experiments, everypony agreed that FTS had to be sniffed after all, mostly because that plant had an unusual way to deal with extreme heat.
For some reason, evolution had decided that the FTS had to produce an orange liquid when in contact with the fire.
An orange liquid that was highly flammable, that’s it.
Evolution can be a bitch sometimes.
Now, it’s easy to hold a pile of burning herbs without breathing the smoke if you’re careful. But if the herbs suddenly explode? Then it becomes a little harder. Bon Bon’s sack was so filled with FTS that the thing exploded too soon for her to throw it away—but luckily for her, the sack did a very good job on holding the smoke, so she could throw the thing before breathing anything, although it sure scared the shit out of her.
The thing exploded again in midair.
Lyra’s pile was a little smaller, so it didn’t explode until she was already throwing it through the window. She was also lucky enough to avoid getting any smoke on her lungs.
But Derpy had no sack or magic to hold the drugs—she was carrying them on her hooves, which incidentally happened to be right under her nose, because that’s where hooves usually are. The thing exploded right in her face, and she certainly took a deep breath. How exactly did she manage to throw that thing inside the mansion through the window when it had already exploded would remain as a mystery for the ages. Once that thing got in, it exploded a second time.
And a third time.
And then once more because why not?
In less than fifteen seconds, the front garden and the first two floors were completely filled with a white and dense smoke, because an explosive drug might not be perfect, but does a marvelous job at delivering smoke to every single corner of a room in record time.
And as the smoke was a mix between five different drugs plus one flammable plant, everypony was stoned out of his mind in less than twenty seconds. Soon all the ponies in there were wondering why were they screaming, then looking at their hooves and marveling at the fact that they were so huge, dude . A couple stallions suddenly realized they were hungry and started chewing their own clothes. A mare decided that kissing with her sister-in-law had turned into a very good idea all of a sudden.
Meanwhile, a good-looking white stallion named Cheating Bastard arrived at the main door, wondering why there was no guard and what was that weird white smoke in the mansion.
Carrot’s smirk faded for the first time in the whole night, and all the ponies in the floor relaxed visibly. The fact that they were happy to see that smirk replaced by a bunch of random explosions said a lot about Carrot’s face.
Of course, a couple seconds later the nobleponies realized that, even though they were better than the psychopathic smile, a bunch of random explosions weren’t technically a good thing.
The nobleponies didn’t know what to do. They just stood there, unsure. Was something dangerous down their hooves? Had something bad happened? Did they need to run away?
Then Carrot took the lead and went to the stairs. She was pretty sure that, somehow the explosions had something to do with her. Or with her friends. She had spent enough time with them to learn to recognize their signature in the weird stuff that was always happening around her. What were they doing in the party, though, she didn’t know.
Of course, when you hear something exploding in the building you’re in, running to the main source of the explosions just to be sure what is happening is not the best choice you could make. One could say it was almost a stupid decision. Carrot Top didn’t know that.
Once she went downstairs she had exactly four seconds of wondering what was the deal with that white smoke before being too high to actually care.
And the nobleponies followed her without thinking, because, after all, that’s what nobleponies do all the time. They follow the lead, go with the new trend without thinking too much about what’s happening. And if the new trend was entering that place with so much smoke looking for explosions, well, that’s what they are going to do. No pain, no gain, they say.
And of course, they got stoned too. Not as much because of the smoke as for the social pressure. When every important pony in the party—be it Fleur de Lis, be it Royal Ribbon, be it Blueblood himself—-is stoned out of his mind, you just can’t afford not being hopped-up if you still want to be a part of high society.
Carrot Top realized this when she turned around and saw that thirty nobleponies were looking at her with goofy, bloodshot eyes. Those ponies would do whatever she wanted them to do. She was their leader now, if only because she was the one who looked like she knew what to do.
“Yes,” mumbled Carrot, fighting against the sleepiness with a wild smile. “This is going to be funny!”
When you were lost in the middle of the woods that surrounded Blueblood’s place, you wouldn't believe you were in the biggest city in all of Equestria. Perhaps it was because Blueblood was a prince after all, or perhaps it was because Canterlot’s architecture was as weird as a centipede in rollerblades. Anyway, Octavia thought the place where she was right now felt just like the forest near the village where she had been raised. She felt one with nature once again, and that was odd.
She would have said something about it, but her lips were busy pressing against Steel Bar’s. The guard seemed extremely happy right then, and being honest, Octavia also felt optimistic. They had been kissing for a long tme by now, and it was clear that he wanted something more—but of course, Octavia wasn’t going to sleep with him just like that. Not in the woods, at least. They weren’t wild animals.
The kiss was nice though. Steel Bar sure knew how to treat a lady. I wouldn’t mind spending the entire night doing this...
“Um, Tavi? You there?” Vinyl’s voice came through the communicator, startling her. Octavia moaned as an answer (not that she could do anything else). “Oh, yeah, and I see you’re busy. Eh, nevermind I’ll just...”
Uh-oh. There was something odd in the way Vinyl had said those words. Octavia would have sighed if she hadn’t been so busy kissing Steel Bar. With a groan, she broke the kiss and looked into Steel’s eyes. “Hey,” she said, softly. “Wait a minute there, darling.”
“Uh?”
“You’re talking to me?” Vinyl asked. “Wait, no, you’re with the guard. Anyway, uh, I see you’re doing good, so—”
“Steel...?” Octavia put her hooves behind his neck and hugged him in the sexiest way possible. Slowly, she muzzled his ear, his face lost in Octavia’s mane.
“Hmmmm?” he said.
“Catch me,” she whispered.
And then she broke the hug and trotted away surprisingly fast (because, as everypony knew, trotting fast is sexier than running. It’s all in the hips) while giggling in a girly fashion. Giggling in such a way without sounding stupid was an art on its own, and Octavia was the best at it.
Steel Bar stood there, dumbfounded, for a couple seconds, and then he chuckled and ran after her.
Octavia had discovered long ago the secret that lived inside every stallion’s heart: they were both extremely stupid and extremely romantic. Mares were a little more difficult to seduce, but stallions? She had the theory that they were so stupid because they were so romantic, and they were so romantic only because they were too stupid not to be so. It was like a perfect circle of idiocy and cheesy pickup lines.
Of course, there were some exceptions to the rule. There were some stallions that had absolutely zero poetry deep inside, the truly stupid ones, but Octavia didn’t get near those ponies.
Steel Bar wasn’t one of those ponies, though. He had tasted the sweetness in Octavia’s lips, and now she was running in front of him, light as a feather, fast as gazelle, dancing between the trees. Her mane and tail floated in the wind, her laughter was fresh as a river in summer and sometimes she looked back and winked at him.
Even though he didn’t know it, Steel Bar was seeing Octavia as a fairy, an illusion, a spirit. A force of nature. Something to behold and run after, something to laugh with, to love, to protect. He chased her for the pure pleasure of chasing, forgetting everything that surrounded him.
Long story short: he’s stupid . Just like any other stallion in existence.
Between fresh-like-a-river-in-summer laughter and teasing-yet-loving winks, Octavia turned her attention to the communicator and answered Vinyl. It wasn’t as difficult as it sounded, mostly because Octavia had played the fairy/gazelle/whatever role endless times—Steel Bar wasn’t the first pony falling for this, and he surely wouldn’t be the last. “Vinyl, I can talk now. What’s happening?”
“What the...?” Vinyl’s voice sounded confused. “Are you running? Tavi, you’re supposed to distract the guard! You can’t just—!”
“He’s after me, it’s all part of the plan. And I’m not running, that’s unsexy.” She turned around and wiggled her tail a little. Steel Bar was very close to her, but you just didn’t catch a pony that had been raised in the woods like that. She zigzagged between the trees, and soon the guard was pretty far away. “And trust me: this stallion is easier to play than my cello.”
“Oh.”
“What the hell is happening, Vinyl? You’ve been acting weird lately,” Octavia said. “This is the second time you interrupt me, and you sound weirder than usual.”
“Gee, thanks.”
“Like, you sound actually worried about something.” Octavia turned around. Good, he’s still a few meters behind . “You’re too stupid to be worried about something that’s not important.”
“We could talk about this later, it’s not so—”
“You were the one interrupting me when I couldn’t talk, so I’m going to take that sentence as the idiocy it is.” Octavia rolled her eyes. “Look, you obviously want to tell me something right now, so stop playing dumb and just say it.”
“Um. Well, I... Ahem.” Vinyl gulped “I talked with Derpy, you see?”
“And?”
An awkward pause. When Vinyl talked again, she sounded like smiling, but there was something odd in that voice. “Oh, nothing, she just told me you two had a little divertimento together, and, you know? I was actually surprised! Heh, who would have guessed? I can’t blame you, though. Derpy is pretty cute.”
Octavia’s eyes opened wide. A cold feeling appeared in her chest, and she could feel her smile fading. A quick look behind her revealed that Steel was approaching her again. She bit her lip.
She really didn’t want to be running while having that conversation. In fact, she didn’t want to have that conversation, period. But There was no way to avoid it now. “Vinyl, I can—”
“Oh, don’t worry, it’s not like I’m angry or something.” Vinyl laughed. “It’s just that, well, you know. I think I can understand your train of thoughts—”
Definitely, no way to avoid the conversation now. Octavia gulped and felt the nervousness become almost solid in her stomach. “Hold on,” she whispered, “I need to hide.”
“Hide?”
“Hide.”
And so she did. There’s this particular understanding of how the woods work you get when you’re raised in them, and Octavia sure had spent entire days in forests. Besides, it was dark and her entire body was grey—hiding in plain sight was not easy, it was foal’s play. A simple turn, a little effort in her legs and next thing Steel Bar knew, he was completely alone in the forest. Octavia, hunkering down behind a bush, could see him stopping and looking for her, still dumbfounded.
Octavia sighed. “Vinyl,” she said, “I can explain, really. I didn’t do anything with Derpy, okay? It was just fooling around, I promise it’s not anything worth mentioning.” She bit her lip. Damn, that sounded bad . “I mean, it’s not like I go with mares all the time, okay? It’s more like, uh, I—”
“You were just afraid of ponies saying you, well, saying that you are a slut or something,” interrupted Vinyl. “And don’t worry, I can totally accept that! Like, I can see why didn’t you tell me and instead went to Derpy.”
Vinyl had disconnected every conversation but the one she was having with Octavia. She was grinning, or at least trying to. She could feel a heavy weight in her stomach. What to say? She was horrible with words, yet desperately wanted to have this conversation.
Damn it, dealing with friends is hard.
“Well, no, I can’t understand why did you go to Derpy. I mean, I didn’t know she liked mares.” Vinyl gulped. “Although, who doesn’t right?”
“Vinyl...”
“But, you know.” Vinyl bit her lip and looked at the ground. She felt something that resembled pain in her voice. “You should’ve talked with me.”
“Vinyl, it’s complicated, okay? I just—”
“Oh, I know what happened!” Vinyl forced a laugh. “It’s just that you didn’t want to take it seriously, right? Like, just fooling around.” She felt a bitter taste in her mouth. “Like you always do.”
Silence fell between them for a couple seconds. When Octavia talked, she had a sharp tone. “Would you mind repeating that, Vinyl?”
“Anyway,” she said, ignoring Octavia, “it’s not like I would have taken anything seriously. I mean, I would’ve liked you to actually tell me that you fancied mares too, and I, eh, would...” She shook her head. “I don’t know, we could have ended the night doing what you did to Derpy because, well, we’re talking about you here, and... I swear it would have meant absolutely nothing for me, okay? That’s what... that’s all I wanted to say.”
Silence again.
“Uh, Tavi, I just realized that my wording may have been a little—!”
“Vinyl,” interrupted Octavia, “fuck you.”
And then a weird noise came from the communicator and the signal died.
The white smoke was pretty dense, so inside the house every room felt like a swamp in a horror film. In the garden, on the other hoof, you could see everything. And everything mostly meant stoned nobleponies, statues, tables with food and two ponies looking at the show that had unfolded in front of them from the woods, out of reach from the smoke. They had inhaled a little bit, so they felt a little dizzy, but not dizzy enough to be really stoned.
Bon Bon wasn’t really sure about what to think of their plan. On the one hoof, it had worked. On the other hoof, it had worked a little too well and she had the feeling that it wasn’t as good as it sounded. The explosive sack had been just scary , and now the nobles were… well.
“So… Did you know this was going to happen?” Lyra asked absentmindedly while staring at two stallions that were bumping into each other head-first. “Because holy shit, I think that it’d been less than two minutes and this is already a crazy party.”
Bon Bon shrugged. “Yeah, of course I knew. You see, I’m a specialist on—”
“Okay so this is pretty weird. I don’t really know what to do right now.” Lyra tapped her communicator. “Yo Derpy. You there?”
“You don’t know what to do right now .” Bon Bon looked at her. “You’re implying that usually you do know what you’re doing? Don’t make me laugh.”
Derpy didn’t answer.
“Vinyl? Turner?”
No answer either.
“Ok, so we’re alone.” Bon Bon looked at the mansion again. The two stallions were lying on the ground. Almost everypony was just sitting and laughing and doing something silly. It would have been boring if it hadn’t been for the fact that they were nobleponies. Like, Bon Bon could see their fancy dresses and stuff, and it was just bizarre. Seeing a dude who obviously was a duke or something licking the ground was not a thing you’d see every day. “And that’s a very bad thing. I say we should go in there head-first and breathe as much smoke as possible while doing something idiotic and completely forgetting that our main goal is to rescue Carrot Top. Also we can end up hurting some noble while we’re at it. Like, kicking somepony through a window or something. I’m sure that would be a good plan.”
Lyra looked at her. “And now you’re trying to out-sarcasm me even though I didn’t say a word?”
“You obviously want to go in there and do something stupid.”
“You’re insulting me again. I don’t know if you remember what happened last time you did so.”
“Yeah.” Bon Bon raised an eyebrow at her. “You kicked me and then came after me like a lost puppy because I wasn’t talking. What a cute fucking psychopath are you. Want a cookie?”
“You really want trouble, don’t you?”
“Yes.”
“Shut up.”
“Go to hell.” Bon Bon sighed and looked at the garden. She wanted to go home as soon as possible, but the night had been incredibly long already and she had the feeling that it had barely started. “This sucks.”
“What was exactly the plan, once again?” Lyra asked.
“We drug them, and once they’re stoned we go in there and rescue Carrot Top.”
“Uh-huh.” Lyra nodded. “But we can’t go in there.”
“No, because we would get stoned too. You know what? I think you should go first and I can look at you from here and throw a rock at you or something while you’re defenseless. I bet that would be funny.”
Lyra said nothing.
Bon Bon frowned. “So we’re stuck here watching these assholes laugh their asses off. This could only get better if Vinyl started yelling at us again.”
“You really didn’t think this out very well.” Lyra looked at her side and her horn started to glow. A small rock glowed with magic and went up. “You’re an idiot.”
“What are you doing?”
“Trying your plan B.”
“I don’t have any plan B.”
Lyra’s face had that smirk of hers that make water turn into ice. It was her warmer smile, Bon Bon thought. “Watch me,” the unicorn said.
And then she threw the rock. Bon yelped in surprise as she saw that thing flying through the garden and hitting the earth-licking stallion right in the forehead. He fell to the ground at the impact, and then started yelling like a madpony while caressing his forehead, still on the ground.
“Woah.” Lyra blinked. “He’s freaking out.”
“You threw a rock at him.”
“Yeah, well, it was your idea.” Lyra levitated another rock and threw it again, this time hitting a mare. She also started screaming. Some of the ponies that were close to her looked at her with bewildered faces. “She’s also freaking out,” Lyra said.
“Really? I hadn’t noticed.” Bon Bon rolled her eyes. “I thought that screaming like that was normal, y’see. I’m pretty sure that the drugs have absolutely nothing to do with it.” While she talked, Lyra levitated a new rock and threw it again. A third pony started screaming. “Also you can stop now.”
“Why?” Lyra looked at her, still smirking. “It’s funny. They don’t even move! Look at them; they’re so busy looking at their own hooves that they hadn’t noticed I’m throwing shit at them!”
“Uh-huh.” Bon Bon nodded. “So you’re going to keep doing this?”
Another rock went flying, and a new noblepony started screaming. “Eyup. Until I get tired.”
“That’s so incredibly smart and useful that I’m actually impressed. You managed to improve your stupidity.” Bon Bon looked at the screaming ponies. “Also, I love how they don’t move at all when somepony right beside them gets hit. I wonder what would happen if a giant rock fell on them.” She chuckled. “I bet they wouldn’t even flinch.”
“You think?”
“No, I don’t think so. That’s the reason why I was saying that, you see. I like to say things that I don’t mean at a—what are you doing?” Bon Bon huffed at her companion. Lyra’s eyes were gleaming, and she was looking at something in front of them. Bon Bon turned around. “Oh,” she said. “Isn’t that pony Cheating Bastard? Carrot’s ex-coltfriend?”
“Who the hell cares?” Lyra smirked so hard Bon Bon could see her teeth. “I’m looking at that .”
Bon Bon turned around again, this time looking at what Lyra was pointing. The Pholotodolphin statue. She blinked. “Technically that’s not a giant rock.”
“I bet you twenty bits that they try to run away from it.”
Bon Bon raised an eyebrow.
“Turner, I’ve fucked up! I think Tavi and me have a misunderstanding at the moment, and—!”
“I’M A LITTLE BUSY AT THE MOMENT, VINYL!”
“Oh, come on, I’m sure you can give me a couple minutes at least!”
“I’M RUNNING FOR MY LIFE!”
“So was Tavi, and she talked with me!”
“WELL I’M SORRY, BUT I HAVE A HORNY GUARD RIGHT BEHIND ME AND HE DESPERATELY WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH ME AND I REALLY DON’T WANNA, SO I CAN’T TALK TO YOU !”
“She was exactly in the same situation!”
Silence.
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
“Wow. What were the odds? Anyway, as I said I’m kinDA BUSY AT THE MOMENT!”
“Come on, you’re exaggerating!”
He was not.
Time Turner’s situation was... complicated, to say the least. Extremely disturbing, to say the most, and a complete nightmare for Turner to say the truth. As Canterlot’s architecture was everything but normal, Turner was running in what seemed a very big forest, as dark as could be, and the hulky guard was right behind him, yelling. What was he yelling, Turner didn’t know, and he sure didn’t want to know.
He was completely concentrated in the race, or rather he had been until Vinyl had started talking. “Look,” she said, “I’ll be fast. I think it’s been my wording, I was a little nervous and what I wanted to say didn’t come out as expected. You see—”
“VINYL, FOR THE LOVE OF LUNA , I’M TELLING YOU I’M IN NO SHAPE TO HELP YOU WITH YOUR ROMANTIC PROBLEMS RIGHT NOW!”
“Buddy, stop listening to those voices!” The voice of the guard came from behind Turner, and it was too close. “They are not real, okay?! Just come with me, I’ll take you to a more comfortable place!”
“YEAH, THAT’S NOT EXACTLY WHAT I’M LOOKING FORWARD TO, THANK YOU!”
“Nonsense, you just don’t know what’s good for you!”
Turner would have laughed if he wasn’t so incredibly terrified. “AND I GUESS YOU DO, RIGHT?!”
“Just help me help you, buddy!” The guard smiled at him. “I know I look rough, but I won’t hurt you at all!”
Turner had thought he couldn’t run faster. Turns out he had been wrong. His speed increased a lot after hearing that.
“You see,” Vinyl continued, ignoring absolutely everything, “I just wanted to say that she could have fooled around with me and I wouldn’t have taken it badly, you know? But I kinda fucked up, and now she’s angry at me and—”
“WHY ARE YOU EVEN TELLING ME THIS?!” Turner roared.
“For crying out loud, because I want to help you!” screamed the guard. “Just stop running!”
“I’M NOT TALKING TO YOU!”
“Mostly because you’re like the go-to guy for this kind of things I guess,” said Vinyl. “I mean, it’s you or Derpy, because I’m not talking with Lyra about this. She would propose kidnapping Tavi and torturing her until she listens to me or something like that.” A pause. “And, honestly? I don’t know if she’s joking when she says things like that..”
“VINYL, I SWEAR TO—!”
Turner never swore anything to anypony, because his legs suddenly chose that exact moment to remind him why he had been so concentrated in the race a couple seconds ago. Mostly, because running through a forest was already difficult on its own, but running through a forest at night was almost impossible unless you had been conveniently raised in the woods.
Turner was the kind of pony who thought a root was only a mathematical operation. His most powerful bond with nature was the time he had seen a picture of a forest. It had scared him.
So his legs got stuck on something he never saw, and next thing he knew the entire world was turning around for some reason, the sky was under him and the ground was above his head...
...and then he hit a tree with his forehead, suddenly stopping his race and making him see little stars and sparkles everywhere. Turner then found that he was lying on the ground and was completely unable to get up by himself.
The guard stopped and almost tripped too, then looked at him with a neutral face. “Finally. See? You’ve hurt yourself.” He sighed. “Just come with me, and we’ll-”
“YOU’LL DO NOTHING! ”
Both Turner and the guard looked above, dumbfounded.
Turner couldn’t believe her eyes.
Flying just above them was Derpy Hooves in all her glory, her face gleaming with a confident smile, looking at him with eyes that said “you are safe now”. Turner felt a single tear run down his cheek. Yes! She can help me! She can get me out of here! “D-Derpy?” he asked, his voice trembling both because of the happiness and because the back of his neck really hurt. “I-Is that you?”
“Derpy?” Vinyl asked through the communicator. “Is Derpy there? Hold on, I’ll turn on her communicator too.”
“YOU CAN BET I AM DERPY!” the pegasus yelled, a hoof waving in the air. “AND YOU, GUARD,” she said, turning to the guard, “LET ME TE—!”
Tunk!
She turned around so fast, she hit the tree with her face.
Tunk.
Then she fell to the ground like a dead dove.
Both Turner and the guard stared at her for a couple seconds. Derpy didn’t move.
“Uh. What was that?” asked Vinyl.
“...Derpy got hit by a tree,” Turner said.
They waited a few more seconds.
Derpy still didn’t move.
“Um, Derpy? Can you hear me?” asked Vinyl. “Derpy?”
A full minute. The grey mare was like a statue.
“...What was that?” asked the guard. He turned to Turner. “I mean, what? Do you know her or something?”
“Uh.” Turner gulped. “Kinda?”
The guard turned to Derpy again. “Um, miss? Are you okay?”
No answer.
Another minute of silence.
“Am I the only one who’s starting to freak out?” asked Vinyl.
“Poke her with a stick or something,” Turner said to the guard. “I’m starting to get worried.”
“I’ve heard that if you poke her eye and she doesn’t move, then she’s dead,” added Vinyl. “Tell him to poke her eye.”
The hulky stallion nodded and approached Derpy. “Um, miss? Are you okay?”
“OF COURSE I’M OKAY !”
Turner, Vinyl, and the guard yelped at the sudden yell. Derpy got up with a jump and faced the guard with a dangerous grin in her face. “You thought such a LITTLE THING could get me DOWN ?!”
“Um, Derpy?” Turner coughed. “Eh, are you sure you’re...?”
“Sssssshut up, Doc,” she said, turning to him for a second, her voice sweet as sugar. “And you, guard,” she said then, using a tone so deep it didn’t sound like a mare (or anything from this world), “better get the fuck out of here if you don’t want trouble. You hear me, punk ?”
Silence.
The guard blinked. “Excuse me?”
“Let me explain you a thing, you pussy .” Derpy flapped her wings and flew to put her face would be in line with the guard’s, then pointed at her cutie mark. “Can you see what I have HERE?!”
Silence again.
The guard blinked again. “...Bubbles?” he asked.
“That’s it!” the mare hissed. “Motherfucking bubbles . And do you know what that MEANS ?!”
Silence.
“Okay, that’s it.” Vinyl sighed. “This is official, she’s lost it. It was beautiful while it lasted.”
The guard licked his lips and said nothing.
“I ASKED YOU A QUESTION!”
“That you’re... good at scuba diving?” asked Turner, wanting to be useful.
“That you’re a bubblehead?” asked Vinyl.
“You don’t need to answer, Turner, sweetiee.” Derpy said, again in that sweet voice. “I asked this stallion. You sit there and be quiet, ok?”
“Oh. Em. Okay?”
“So.” Derpy smirked and pointed at the cutie mark. Her voice was again something that seemed more a hellhound than a pony, and her eyes were locked with the guard’s. “What do you THINK ABOUT THIS , HUH??!”
The guard squinted his eyes. “That... you’re... good at scuba diving?”
“Wrong, you little shit ,” answered Derpy. “It means that I can motherfucking kill you if I want, without any kind of trouble! You wanna try me , or you’re gonna run away like the PUSSY YOU ARE?!”
The guard just stood there, staring at Derpy with squinted eyes. “...I’m afraid I fail to see the connection between bubbles and killing.” He sniffed. “Also, you smell like weed. Miss, have you been smoking?”
“You fail to see the connection ?!” Derpy barked. It was not a laugh, not a scream—it was an actual bark. “HAH! HAVE YOU EVER GOT A TRAIN OF BUBBLES INSIDE YOUR VEINS ?! HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED HOW IT FEELS GETTING YOUR HEAD INSIDE A VACUUM BUBBLE ?! HAVE YOU EVER HEARD THE LITTLE PLOPS OF THE LAST BUBBLE OF OXYGEN EXPLODING INSIDE YOUR LUNGS?!”
Silence again.
“I’m... not really sure bubbles can form a train,” Turner said.
“Sweetie, I’m talking to this stallion, please don’t say a word. You are hurt anyway, and we don’t want you to get worse, right?”
Turner gulped. “Uh, no, I guess we don’t.”
“Perfect.” And back with the guard she was. “So, as I said, you better watch your back or I’ll fucking kill you . Got it?”
The guard sighed. “Okay, they don’t pay me enough for this. Taking care of the braindead one,” he looked at Turner, “is one thing, but being actually threatened to be... bubbled to death? Too much.”
And without saying a single word more, the guard turned around and disappeared into the woods.
BOOM!
“Well you broke that table right now, so we can add ‘property damage’ to the endless list of crimes you’ve committed tonight. I hope you’re happy. I certainly am, mind you. This is, like, the best night ever. I surely don’t think this is the most stupid thing I’ve done in a long time, which is something pretty huge to say, giving the fact that I live with you. But go on! I mean, what’s the worst thing that could happen to you after this? A life in prison? Banishment? Be banished and then be thrown in jail in the place you’ve already been banished?”
BOOM!
“Oh, well, there goes that dude’s leg. Now he’s not crying from fear. There, are you happy? You just broke a stallion’s leg. That’s just mean, but you don’t fucking care, so whatever. Have a good time, I’m sure that’s the correct thing to do. Hey, that one mare isn’t crying yet, you should definitely do something about it.”
“Oh, okay.” BOOM! “There, now she doesn’t have a leg either. She and the other stallion can be leggy buddies now.”
“I was being sarcastic, you fucking psycho.”
“You are always sarcastic, but I prefer to ignore that fact. You’re funnier if I interpret your words my way.”
BOOM!
“How can you even do that? That statue is huge; I’m sure that weighs a ton or something. Levitating it should be impossible.”
“It’s the strength of my passion.”
“That doesn’t make sense.”
“Yet I am levitating the statue so it might make some sense after all. Suck it, Bon Bon.”
BOOM!
“Seriously, I know they’re stoned, but this is getting stupid. Why aren’t they running away?”
“Well, they’re trying.”
“They’re running in circles. Well, except for the leggy buddies, they are just crying.”
“That’s why I said they were trying .” BOOM! “Look! Now the leggy buddies are a leggy trio.”
“Seriously, you deserve jail. I hate you so much right now.”
“This statue sure is resilient. I have slammed it like thirteen times and it’s still perfectly fine.”
BOOM!
“See?”
“Amazing. Words fail me to describe how impressed I am right now. Also I have been this close to tell you to be careful because you’re kinda moving the smoke toward us with your little game, but then I realized you’re slamming a giant statue of a dolphin fucking a pony to the ground. Asking you to be careful would be pretty fucking pointless on my part. Also, is it me, or there are more ponies in the garden now?”
BOOM! BOOM!
“Hey, look! If I slam it twice very fast it says your name!”
BOOM! BOOM!
“Fucking adorable on your part to realize that. The fact that I can see the stallion you hit isn’t moving does nothing but add sweetness to your gesture.”
“Nah, he’s still alive, I can see him breathing.”
“What a relief. You just caused him serious brain damage then. That’s way better.”
BOOM! BOOM!
“You know, I was thinking about Blueblood. The garden was his, so he has experience with drugs. Hell, he had FTS, so maybe he is so fucked up inside that he is not affected by the drugs and he’s like, dunno, freaking out inside of the mansion, trying to understand what’s happening.”
“Drugs don’t work that way.”
“Oh right, you’re a drug expert. How could I forget that detail? You know absolutely everything about drugs. You’re like, the drug empress. Everything that’s to know about hallucinogenic substances is inside your brain. You wrote the book on drugs. It’s called: ‘drugs—the book, by motherfucking Lyra Heartstrings’, and it’s a best-seller that everypony loves, that’s why you are so rich and beloved.”
“Yeah drugs still don’t work that way.”
BOOM! BOOM!
“That guy is running away.”
“Oh.” BOOM! “There, now he’s not.”
“Certainly. So, anyway, I’m sure Blueblood is totally not inside the house, plotting some royal revenge on us. After all, this is just his birthday party and we’re at his house, so why would he be here? It’s not like we’re destroying everything he owns and probably loves; he has no reason to hate us. And even if he did, he’s just Celestia’s nephew, so I’m sure he can do nothing against us. So continue, this is perfectly safe and not dangerous to us in any sense.”
BOOM! BOOM!
“You know, I thought that after doing this for ten straight minutes it would stop being funny.”
“And?”
“It’s still hilarious.”
“You didn’t pay any attention to me, did you?”
“I was busy having fun.”
BOOM! BOOM!
“You know, I saw Cheating Bastard there not so long ago. I think he is inside the house now.”
“And I should care about that because...?”
“I don’t know, maybe because he’s the main reason why we are here? We want Carrot Top to not kill that idiot, Lyra. If we can get the idiot out before she finds him, then we can go home.”
“Yeah, I still don’t really care.”
“I don’t care either, but I thought it was worth mentioning it.”
“It wasn’t.”
“Hm.”
BOOM! BOOM!
“Anyway, really, there are more ponies than before. Are they coming out of the mansion or something?”
“Why would they do that? Only an idiot would come straight into a slamming statue like that.”
“GO STRAIGHT INTO THAT SLAMMING STATUE!”
There’s one point in every noblepony’s life in which he has to make a decision. Which is better for tonight: the green cape or the orange jacket? Trying the boiled daisies or the fried orchids first? Running into that giant, pony-fucking dolphin that is seriously hurting your comrades or facing that scary mare?
Being nobility could be very stressful sometimes.
Maybe they were following the new trend, maybe they just made the wisest decision—it doesn’t really matter. The thing is: that pony-fucking dolphin had a lot of ponies to fuck. One by one they looked at the orange mare and then ran to the statue, following her orders. It was a hard decision, sure, but they were used to that kind of thing.
Also they had enough drugs in their bodies to kill a baby elephant, so it’s not like they really gave a damn.
Carrot Top didn’t exactly know why everypony was obeying her, but it’s not like she really cared. Being honest, she was too damn high to care about absolutely anything, but even if she had been sober she wouldn’t have given a damn.
That seemed to be the common result of breathing that white smoke. Nopony gave a single damn about anything..
So, who-knows-why, the situation at the hall was, at least, weird. The second and third floors were empty, and everypony who wasn’t at the garden was just… waiting there. Some were sitting, some were walking, some were chattering. Carrot Top was standing on a table, and every few minutes she would point at one, maybe two or three random ponies and tell them to go outside and run into the statue. The nobleponies would doubt a little, then obey.
That was it. That was the situation. Ponies waiting, then going to the statue.
At one point Carrot Top realized that A) she wasn’t really sure how the hell had she ended up doing this, B) she had lost focus, because her original goal was to look for Cheating Bastard and her ex-coltfriend was nowhere to be seen and C) no, seriously, how was she in such a situation? She was a little dizzy.
She shrugged her worries off pretty easily though. Carrot was sending those snobs to the statue because it was funny . Also she was pissed off at every noblepony in existence because of Cheating Bastard, and sending those idiots to their doom was surprisingly calming.
And of course, maybe Cheating was in that hall after all. Nopony was leaving without her noticing it. Well, at some point a bunch of rebels had gone upstairs to the second floor, because apparently there was at least one noblepony who wasn’t dumb as a rock, but Carrot had closed the door as soon as possible.
So, if Cheating was hiding among the group, she was going to find him. Of course, there was the possibility that he would have gone to the second floor, but what were the odds? No, that stallion was going to be found at some point.
And then he was going to pay.
Author's Note
Unedited chapter because Selbi is still sick and my computer has been filled with viruses and malware, so I haven't got enough time to send a PM to a certain commentator to ask him for help.
Buddy, wait for it. You know who you are.
Also, this is the chapter that made me fall in love wth Lyra and Bon Bon.
Long Story Short, Things Went Down
Fifth Chapter: We Didn't Know What To Do
Derpy looked at the guard’s back until he disappeared. Turner still felt a little dizzy—he was pretty sure he wasn’t going to be able to get up or walk by himself. He touched his forehead and grunted when he felt something sticky on it. Yep, this is blood. Perfect. Just perfect . He had a concussion. It couldn’t be very bad—he was still conscious after all—but a little trip to the hospital looked like the reasonable thing to do at that point.
The first one breaking the silence that had fallen between them was, of course, Vinyl. Her voice came from Turner’s communicator, slow and confused.
“So. What just happened?” she asked. “I mean. Derpy? That was kinda awesome, but... What ?”
Derpy squinted her eyes at the forest for two more seconds, and once it was clear that the guard wasn’t coming back she turned to Turner, a sweet smile on her face again. “Doc!” she said. “I came here to save you!”
Turner blinked. Now that he could look at Derpy calmly, he could see her eyes were straight, instead of looking both at the moon and the ground at the same time, as usual. Her smile also looked a little goofy, even more than usual. Her wings trembled a little.
And she really smelled like weed. “Derpy, are you high?”
“Derpy’s high?” Vinyl asked. “Woah.”
“No, silly!” The pegasus giggled and approached Turner with something that was not a walk nor a jump. More like a mixture between the two of them. “I’m on the ground, don’t you see? Are you hurt, Doc?”
“That’s not what I mean.” Turner sighed. “And you know it. And yes, I’m kinda hurt.” He raised an eyebrow. “What gave you the clue? The fact that I’m on the ground, the fact that I can’t get up or the fact that my forehead is as bloody as a lady on her honeymoon?”
“You’re pretty old-fashioned sometimes.”
“Shut up, Vinyl.” Turner groaned—his forehead was killing him. Derpy stopped right beside him, still smiling in that weird way. Her straight eyes were unsetting. “Derpy, I think I’m pretty much fucked up here. I won’t die for this, but I’m sure I need a couple stitches and maybe a good night’s rest.” He glared at her. “And, of course, you’re totally stoned so you can’t help me. Great.”
Derpy answered him with a very annoying giggle.
“Turner, you’re hurt?” Vinyl asked. “How bad it is?”
“No, I’m not hurt. You see, I was just joking all the time. The blood I mentioned? It’s just tomato juice!”
“You are starting to sound like Bon Bon.”
Turner blinked. “Oh, Celestia.”
“Yeah.”
“I guess it’s worse than I thought, then.” Turner sighed. “I hit a tree with my face, and now my everything hurts.”
“Aaaw.” Derpy smiled at Turner and nuzzled his cheek. Her mane smelled so much like weed that he felt nauseous. “Poor thing. Did that bad guard scare you, sweetie? You don’t need to be afraid now! Momma Derpy is here.”
“Yeah.” Turner coughed. “Thanks, Momma Derpy.”
“Oh, yes. You know who’s your mommy. ”
Silence.
“Okay, I’m going to ignore that,” Turner said. Derpy was still nuzzling him, but he chose to ignore that too. “Vinyl, do you mind checking what’s happening with the others? I have a bad feeling.”
“Yeah, good idea,” Vinyl said. “You want me to talk with them privately or—?”
“You know, Doc?” Derpy put a leg over Turner’s shoulders. “The way you wooed that guard away was very hot…”
Silence.
“Derpy, I’m pretty sure you were the one who did that.”
“Oh, that makes it even hotter. ”
“Yes.” Turner coughed and pushed Derpy away. She got close again the moment he stopped. “I’m pretty sure it does. Vinyl?”
“Yeah?”
“Judging by Derpy’s state, I’m pretty sure the plan went horribly wrong.”
“Big surprise,” Vinyl said.
“Which means that now we may be dealing with a drugged Lyra.”
“Oh.” Vinyl gulped. “Well, that sounds bad. But we’ve been in situations like this before, right? We can manage.”
“Yeah.” Turner pushed Derpy away again. “But usually I'm there too. Or Derpy is there. Hell, or even Octavia. But now? Bon Bon and Lyra are alone.” Derpy hugged him. “Derpy, no.”
“Derpy, yes ,” she said, pressing her face against his chest. Turner gagged.
“So long story short, we’re screwed?”
“Mostly,” he answered. “So put me with Bon Bon and Lyra this instant. We can still get them out of here and run away or something.”
“What about Octavia?”
Turner sighed. “What about her?”
“What are we going to do? She broke her communicator!” Vinyl said. “We need to get her out too! Maybe you should go down there and—”
“Vinyl, I’m going to be clear with you,” Turner said, groaning. His forehead was killing him. “My head hurts, my stomach aches, I think I’m going to puke, I’m bleeding, Derpy stinks and she’s stoned, Lyra and Bon Bon are out there and might hurt somepony because they are Lyra and Bon Bon , and I think I heard screaming down the mansion before.” He coughed. “I’m sorry your highschool crush is angry at you, but we have no time for this crap. Octavia is smarter than all of you together. She’ll be fine . Put me with Lyra and Bon Bon right now!”
Silence. Turner opened his mouth to say something else, something that would surely have hurt Vinyl and made things even worse, but luckily for him, he got interrupted and couldn’t talk.
Unluckily for him, that was because Vinyl had finally turned off the private conversation, and everypony was part of the main one now.
That meant that through every communicator came one of the loudest sounds Turner could ever imagine: that of almost eighty nobleponies screaming and crying in despair and fear, alongside the unmistakable noise of a giant, pony-fucking dolphin slamming the ground every few seconds. Being so sudden, the noise seemed ten thousand times as strong as it really was in Turner’s ears.
The pain in his head became unbearable. He felt something coming out from his stomach, and next thing he knew he was pushing Derpy aside as fast as possible and puked as hard as he could.
Then everything became dizzy and he fell unconscious.
Getting rid of Steel Bar had been easy. Octavia had zero to no difficulties on hiding behind a tree and then running to the mansion, her hooves completely quiet against the soft ground of leaves and dirt. She was panting, out of breath, and her entire body was covered in sweat.
She bit her lip. Well, sweating could be sexy sometimes, but she definitely was not sweating in a sexy way right now. Yet another reason to hate running . Even her mane had to be messy after spending so much time in the forest. Dirt, leaves, branches… She was looking everything but hot.
Octavia shrugged everything off easily, though. She had no time for worrying over her looks, although she really wanted to.
Her chat with Vinyl had pissed her off. A lot. It had also hurt her, but ‘pissed’ was the correct word to describe how she was feeling right now. The only thing she wanted was to go and talk to Turner. This was the kind of thing you had to ask Turner about. She wasn’t really sure why.
What could she tell him. though? Octavia wasn’t really sure. Maybe the stallion could help her make amends with Vinyl? Although, now that she thought about it, did she want to make amends with Vinyl anyway? Octavia wasn’t really sure either.
After all, Vinyl had said, verbatim, that Octavia meant nothing to her. Well, that was truly a jerk comment. Vinyl can go fuck a nail . Octavia didn’t want to see or hear the DJ ever again.
What had all that crap been about anyway? Just because Octavia had played with Derpy one night she was supposed to sleep with all of them?! Hell no!
Yes, that was a good way to look at the situation. She shook her head, let the frown and the sad pout disappear and replaced them with a confident smirk and a pissed off look. She was going to look for Turner, and then she was going to talk shit about Vinyl. Oh yes, she was going to talk so much shit about Vinyl. All the shit . And Vinyl would never know because Octavia was never going to talk with her again.
She reassured her decision with a kick to the ground. Well, everything was perfectly okay once again! OctaviaTown was fine and dandy, as always!
And then she finally got out of the forest and appeared in front of the now empty main door.
The first thing she thought about was how amazingly soundproof those trees were. Inside the forest she had heard nothing at all. Then again, she had been kinda busy thinking about stuff, so maybe she had not been paying attention. But even with that in mind, the forest did a very good job at isolating sound.
Because holy shit, everything was noisy in there. Octavia could hear a lot of ponies screaming at the mansion, and the unmistakable sound of a giant, pony-fucking dolphin slamming the ground every few seconds.
And then she realized that the main door was surrounded in a weird mist… no, it was smoke. White smoke? That was weird.
“Well, fuck me. I guess the plan has changed.”
She looked at the starry sky and sighed one more time. Maybe destroying her communicator hadn’t been a good idea after all.
Now, let’s think, she thought. Well, she was already thinking. That was a good start! Now she needed to think about something else than her need to think. Wait what was that thing in the air? It smelled like… weed? She wasn’t really sure, so she sniffed as hard as she could.
Well, it sure did smell like weed. Was someone smoking near her? Where? Oh, wait. She was supposed to be thinking. Or was she already thinking? No, I’m definitely not thinking.
Wait.
Fuck.
She slapped herself, trying to clear her mind. What was happening? Her mind was going in circles. That wasn’t normal.
And then it hit her. The smoke! It smelled like weed, there was a weird, white smoke, she felt dizzy…
“Oh, Celestia. I’m stoned. ”
Definitely, the plan had changed. She forgot about looking for Turner and went to the forest, where there was no smoke. Maybe the trees were enchanted? No sound, no smoke… Octavia coughed and breathed as much clear air as she could. Maybe Blueblood had cast a fireproof spell on the forest—Octavia knew it was common practice between Canterlot nobles—and for some reason that worked against noise and smoke too?
That didn’t sound very plausible, but the smoke wasn’t getting near the trees, so it had to be close to the truth, at least. Octavia sighed, stretched her legs and started to run again, this time towards the mansion, but always inside of the forest.
Now, onwards to look for Lyra and Bon Bon, she thought. Octavia was sure that they were the cause of the smoke and the screaming. After all, they were Lyra and Bon Bon. We should have left them at home. They never do anything but cause trouble.
“So, are you going to keep doing that all night?”
“I think I’ll stop once the statue breaks.”
“Well, that’s just wonderful.”
Lyra let her smirk grow a little wider. Truth be told, she was kinda tired of doing that stupid thing with the statue, and her horn was itching like crazy. She only knew how to cast two spells, and levitation was one of them—but levitating that huge dolphin was something pretty amazing for a pony her age. So the act itself was tiring, boring (you only could do the same thing for a certain amount of time before it got repetitive, even if the particular thing was something as funny as making nobleponies shit their pants) and it was hurting her horn. Really, the only reason why she kept slamming the statue was because it annoyed Bon Bon.
They had noticed at some point that there were ponies coming out of the mansion. Lyra was sure that there was only one reason why the nobleponies could be running into the slamming statue. “So,” she said, “are you going to get in there or what?”
“Oh, of course I’m going. You know, I love to run into—-“
“Yeah, cut it off,” Lyra interrupted. “I’m pretty sure Carrot is in the house.”
“And you know that because…?”
"Because the nobleponies are running out of it. There has to be something truly horrible inside. You should go and take a peek!”
“Of course.” Bon Bon glared at her. “I could go in there, take Carrot and run away. It’s the perfect plan! Except for the fact that we don’t know if Carrot is in there at all, because we have absolutely no proof. And of course, we have a supercomputer that can help us localize that mare, but nopony is answering through this piece of shit.” Bon Bon pointed at the communicator in her ear. It had been silent for a long time now, just like Lyra’s. “So who the fuck cares?”
“So are you going there or what?”
“If I go, I’ll breathe the smoke. I’m pretty sure that being stoned will help us a lot. In fact, we should have done that from the beginning! Why don’t we just—?”
“There’s hardly any smoke now,” Lyra said. She wasn’t looking at Bon Bon; she was too focused on slamming the statue (BOOM, BOOM! ). “At least here the statue has scattered it. You’re welcome.”
“Well, you are right at that,” Bon Bon said. “But, just in case: if I go there, will you stop doing that with the dolphin?”
“Nah.”
“I thought so.”
Lyra raised an eyebrow. She was thinking about some witty way to answer her companion when suddenly something came from the trees behind them and started yelling at her. Something grey and sweaty.
Octavia. Who else it could be?
“You bloody idiots !” she said, looking at them with disgust. Octavia looked horrible, Lyra thought. “You were supposed to get in there and rescue Carrot, not this ! What the fuck are you even doing?!”
“We’re having a wonderful time in general,” answered Lyra, still slamming the statue. Octavia retreated a few steps after looking at her eyes. “You know, playing with nobility. See?” She slammed the statue with even more strength. Pain ran through her horn and the back of her eyes, but she didn’t flinch. “Funny!”
“You look horrible, Octavia.” Bon Bon raised an eyebrow. “Like, really horrible. Worse than usual.”
“You are making your position painfully obvious!” Octavia shook her head and turned to Bon Bon. “I spotted you in less than three seconds! Don’t you realize that if I can do that, anypony can ?!”
Bon Bon looked at Tavi and blinked two times. Then, slowly, she massaged her temples with her hoof. “Okay,” she said. “First thing: we were supposed to cause as much chaos as possible. Second thing: we were supposed to do this because you were distracting the guards—you know, the ponies we need to hide from. Which brings me to the third thing.” Bon Bon raised her head and looked at Octavia. “What the hell are you doing here?”
Silence.
Well, relative silence. The nobleponies were still screaming and the statue was still slamming against the ground. But the three mares remained silent.
Octavia opened her mouth. Then she closed it. Then she opened it again.
“Perfect imitation of a fish out of water.” Bon Bon sighed. “Now, please, tell me there’s an explanation that’s not completely stupid as for why are you here instead of dealing with the guards.”
Octavia looked at her with a blank expression.
Bon Bon facehoofed. “Okay, let’s make this as easy as possible for you: are the guards still distracted? Or are we fucked?”
Octavia blinked.
Then she slowly turned to Lyra.
Then to the statue.
Then to Bon Bon again.
Then she gulped. “Well,” she said, “it’s a funny story. You see...”
“Oh, come fucking on !” Bon Bon raised her hooves into the air, exasperated. “You had one job! So what, now the guards are perfectly fine? Do you realize that if they call the Royal Guard we’re fucked?! Do you realize that they could be right behind us at this very moment?”
“Hey, guess what?” a masculine voice said from behind. “You're right. The Royal Guards will be here in no time.”
A lot of things happened at the same time then.
First, two hulky stallions appeared right behind them—the guards, Lyra guessed. She had to admit it: Turner hadn’t been exaggerating. Those guys had muscles the size of watermelons. Lyra was sure they could break a normal pony’s neck just by looking at it.
The two guards tackled them, or at least tried. The three mares avoided them pretty easily, mostly because the guards had been stupid enough to warn them. Talking from the shadows and startling the criminals you wanted to get was pretty cool, but also pretty idiotic.
So Lyra, Bon Bon, and Octavia dodged them with a jump. But that forced them to get out of the forest and actually enter the garden. And then, the protection from the sound that the trees had been giving them disappeared, and Lyra could hear the screams of the nobleponies. They were far louder than she had imagined.
Lyra had been so startled that the statue jumped a couple meters in the air. That caused her a lot of pain, and as a result, the spell faded away. The statue fell to the ground, causing the strongest sound Lyra had ever heard.
At the same time, although she couldn’t hear it very well, her communicator made a ‘click’ sound, and they got connected to the main conversation again.
Just in time for the communicator to receive the signal of the louder screams and the unmistakable sound of a giant, pony-fucking dolphin hitting the ground harder than usual.
A new scream hurt Lyra’s ears just after that—Turner’s screaming. Then, something that sounded like Derpy saying something about somepony losing consciousness, and that stupid DJ yelling like a fucking idiot.
The pain on her horn, plus the one in the back of her eyes, both caused by magic, were hard to deal with. But once you added the screams and the general noise, they became completely unbearable, at least for a couple seconds. Lyra was able to avoid the guards once, but then she had to cover her ears with her hooves, screaming in pain.
Something tackled her and she fell to the ground, so she added pain in her back and legs to the picture. She hit her head hard enough for her sight to become blurry, but she didn’t lose consciousness.
Everything had happened very fast, but Lyra was faster. Knowing that she couldn’t use magic for a while, she just headbutted whoever had tackled her to the ground as hard as she could. A wild scream followed that gesture. She had hit an eye, seemingly.
Then she put the horn away and punched in the same spot. As a result, she heard another scream and the pony that was trying to immobilize her got away.
Lyra’s sight finally cleared, and she got up.
In front of her were two guards. One of them had blood on his face and was screaming. Lyra had hurt his eye. The other one was looking at her and frowning in a very interesting way.
Octavia and Bon Bon were nowhere to be seen. Lyra caught a glimpse of Tavi running to the side of the mansion.
Lyra was panting. Her head hurt a lot. She had no magic. The Royal Guards were coming. Two angry stallions the size of a little mountain wanted trouble with her. Turner was unconscious. Her friends had left her alone. She was surrounded by nobleponies that had all the reasons to hurt her.
“Well,” she muttered, the blood of the guard dropping from her horn, “shit got interesting.”
Being a DJ, Vinyl was too used to loud noises to actually feel any pain because of them. So, when the clusterfuck of explosions, screams and the unmistakable sound of a pony-fucking dolphin hitting the ground came through the communicator, she flinched because of the surprise, but that was it.
Still, she was sure she couldn’t say the same about her friends. She could clearly hear Derpy’s screams, but understanding what she was saying was downright impossible. Bon Bon was screaming too, but Lyra and Turner were silent.
The situation was bad, and Vinyl couldn’t talk with her friends. The noise was too loud. So she did the only possible thing, and looked for the communicator that was bringing all that noisiness to the conversation. It was Lyra’s, so she disconnected it. We won’t talk with Lyra, but at least we’ll talk with everypony else.
But, even without the noise, understanding what Derpy was screaming was impossible. She was yelling nonsenses, sobbing and crying at the top of her lungs. Vinyl looked at her tracking device on the screen, and saw that she was still in the same point. “Derpy?!” she asked, “are you okay? Derpy!”
No answer. Derpy didn’t seem to hear her. Vinyl bit her lip. “Turner, are you there?”
“What the hell is happening?” The voice that answered her question was not Turner’s, but Bon Bon’s. And she sounded annoyed. Vinyl looked at the screen and saw that she was running away from Lyra, in a completely random direction. “Is there anypony out there?”
“Derpy?” Vinyl said. “Oh for fuck’s sake, don’t tell me that you’re the only one I can talk to, Bon. Please.”
Bon Bon sighed. “You know, usually I would try to explain to you just how much of an idiot you are, Vinyl, but the Royal Guards are coming. We need to get the fuck out now , or we’re gonna end up in jail.”
“The Royal Guards? Are you kidding me?”
“Yes. Yes, I’m kidding you. This is the perfect opportunity for me to start telling unfunny jokes. I’ve realized it’s what I want to do with my life.”
Vinyl hit her forehead with her hoof so hard it actually hurt her. “Come on! Is there anything that can get worse?!”
“Giving the fact that I’m forced to talk to you , of all ponies, then I really doubt it,” answered Bon Bon. “Now, even though I don’t give a single damn, I guess it would be convenient for you to tell me what is happening. Like, why the hell is Derpy crying, and why are you talking to me?”
“Derpy got very stoned, and Turner got hit by a tree,” Vinyl explained. “In the head. Hard. Then I opened Lyra’s communicator and hell broke loose, and now Derpy’s freaking out and Turner doesn’t answer.” She looked at the screen. “Bon Bon, turn left right now. Go to the main door and once you’re there continue to the right side of the house. Derpy and Doc are there.”
“Great. Tonight is one of those nights in which I really ask myself why the hell do I even talk with you guys anymore. Words can’t even start to describe how much I hate you.” Bon Bon’s voice was filled with contempt, but she obeyed Vinyl’s orders and turned left. “The drugs exploded and everypony got stoned too fast, and then the guards attacked us, because seemingly, I am the only pony in this band of misfits whose brain is not completely smooth, seeing how both Turner and Octavia failed to distract the fucking guards—you know, that being their one and only job! ” Bon sighed. “By ‘attacked us’ I mean Octavia, Lyra and me. We got separated. I think the guards only chased Lyra, though. And the only reason why I am not stoned right now is because the trees seem to act as a shield.”
Vinyl nodded and looked at the screen. “I can see Tavi heading for the house,” she said. “Carrot is still in the first floor, and Lyra is… standing very close to her, in fact.”
“I’m so happy to hear that,” muttered Bon Bon. “I would jump for joy, but I think I will just call you an idiot instead. It’s easier. And you’re an idiot.”
Derpy was still screaming, Vinyl was starting to get a headache and Bon Bon was the worst possible pony to have a conversation. The DJ massaged her forehead, trying to calm down.
Okay, so the Royal Guards are coming . That was bad news. Vinyl didn’t want to go to jail again. It was a nasty place.
Besides, Octavia wasn’t talking to her and she had broken the communicator, Turner was either dead or unconscious and Derpy was freaking out the way only a drugged pony can freak out. Lyra and Carrot Top were impossible to contact. So her only contact was Bon Bon.
“Shit, we need a plan,” she said. “We need a plan now . What do we do?”
“We fart around until somepony smarter than us comes up with something,” answered Bon Bon. “Shouldn’t be too difficult for you. Snails are smarter than DJ’s, I read it in a science magazine once. And I’m at the door now. Everything looks as if a million ponies had suddenly decided to run a marathon over here. There are marks of hooves and dead plants everywhere. I have to go right, you said?”
“No, I said left. You know, the direction you came from. I’m sure you have already seen both Derpy and Turner, you’re just too stupid to realize.”
“Oh, yeah, keep doing that,” said Bon Bon, talking louder than Derpy’s cry. “It’s completely useful right now. We need you to be a sarcastic asshole if we want to save our friends. In fact, I’m sure it’s the only thing we need. You keep doing that and I’ll just sit here and wait for everything to magically solve itself.”
Vinyl snorted, although she was sure Bon Bon hadn’t hear it. “For crying out loud, don’t be so offended. You do that all the time!”
“I don’t act like a rude asshat when the situation doesn’t call for it,” answered the earth pony. She sounded actually offended –Vinyl couldn’t do anything but feel amazed by the fact. “So stop acting like an idiot.”
“Well, as you please,” said Vinyl. “Anyway, you’re pretty close to them now. You should be able to see—“
“Derpy!”
“Good! Now try to calm her down, she’s freaking out! Be careful and—”
“Bloody hell, Derpy, shut the hell up!”
Slap!
Shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit! The guards! And the Royal Guards! Shit!
Octavia couldn’t think very clearly. The only thing she cared about was running. Running as fast as possible.
And Octavia hated running oh so much . She was sure that right now she was the least sexy thing in the whole world, and yet she didn’t care at all. There was danger right beside her, and that’s the only thing that mattered.
Steel Bar and Oregon Tail were gentlecolts, but also professionals. Lyra and Bon had been wreaking havoc on the party, and Tavi was with them—so for her own sake, she had to get away as fast as possible, or else…
Octavia shivered They would hit her, or capture her, or throw her to jail, or do something even worse. She had to get away. But where?
The mansion, there was no other option. She shook her head, trying to clear her mind, but it was useless. She was breathing the white smoke—some part of her brain knew that it was a bad thing, but clean air was nowhere to be found. She had to inhale that smoke. And she had to go to the mansion. She would be safe there.
Octavia kept running until she arrived at the back of the house. The air was clearer there, but her body had absorbed too much drug for it to matter. Going through the main door of the mansion was impossible; too many nobleponies, and the guards were going to come from there, that was for sure. So, she needed to jump through a window.
They were pretty close to the ground, luckily, and from there Octavia could see that the inside of the mansion had even more white smoke than the garden itself, but she had to get in there as soon as possible. There were no open windows, but a rock and some imagination helped with that, and in no time Octavia was in a deserted room right next to the dance hall. The sound of hundreds of ponies talking and screaming came through the wall, so going through the only door in that room was a no-no.
But there were some stairs that headed for the second floor. Octavia caught her breath, coughed after choking with the white smoke and climbed the stairs.
There was only one door in the second floor, or at least in the section Octavia was. For a second, she thought about how easy this would be if she still had the communicator, but then she remembered Vinyl and, irritated, ignored everything and opened the door. If she was lucky, she might even find her friend and end this nonsense, although that was nearly impossible. The first floor was in chaos, so of course Carrot was going to be there. Still, the mansion was a good place to look. Just in case.
When the door opened a dance hall appeared in front of her, filled with smoke, although not as much as the hallway. Carrot Top wasn’t in there, but it wasn’t empty at all. There were a bunch of nobleponies—she recognized Fleur de Lis, she was kinda famous. Also Royal Ribbon, she recognized her because of the saddle. And then there was…
Cheating Bastard, in flesh and bone. The white stallion looked at her and screamed like a scaredy-cat filly at her first horror film: a high-pitched, ear-destroying cry that made Octavia scream too. And then some other noblepony joined the screaming group and before anyone knew it, everypony but Fleur (who was just staring at Octavia) was squalling.
And squall they did. For two straight minutes, non-stop, there was nothing in that room but a bunch of idiots screaming and a noblemare looking at them with a bewildered face.
La crème de la crème of Canterlot, ladies and gentlecolts.
The only reason why Lyra ran away from the guards and headed for the main door was because she knew she wouldn’t be able to make it too far. Those two giant stallions would get her, and they would either take her to prison or beat the everlasting shit out of her. Only two options.
Any normal mare would have surrendered as fast as possible, because doing any other thing counted as resistance towards the law (were they working with the law? Lyra wasn’t sure, but they were called ‘guards’ after all), and it justified the use of violence. And the unicorn knew this from experience.
Then again, any normal mare wouldn’t have used her horn as a stabbing tool to leave one of the guards one-eyed. Surrendering in that moment would have done nothing. Besides, what was the fun in doing that?
Lyra wanted to fight those guards. In fact, she was looking forward to do it with a passion unknown to ponies who hadn’t experienced such a feeling before. The tiny bit of actual fighting she had done—stabbing that guard, mostly—had been incredible, but it wasn’t enough.
She wanted to experience the thrill of punching somepony who knew how to deal with a good hit and who knew how to properly return it. Dodging, blocking, holding—those were for pansies. Lyra liked to taste the blood in her mouth. The rush of adrenaline that came with the pain. Overcoming somepony stronger than you by mere perseverance. Hurting and being hurt.
That was fighting. When somepony punched you, you couldn’t just run from his hoof—you had to meet that thing midair, to welcome it like a mother welcomes his son on Hearths Warming Eve, to endure it and suffer it and cry in pain. And then you raised your head and returned the hit, twice as strong, watching your opponent flinching in pain and trying to do what you just did. Again and again and again.
Oh, Celestia I’m going to have an orgasm.
And the only one thing that was better than being in a fight was to actually win a fight. Losing them was not so pretty. Lyra knew she couldn’t win that fight, so she ran to the door.
The two guards chased after her. They were inches apart when she finally got to her goal, and for a moment she stopped and looked at her left.
She saw Carrot Top, standing on a table, looking at her with a surprised look. There were also countless nobleponies that seemed to have shat their pants in terror.
They all were screaming and crying, so the noise was unbearable. But the first thing Lyra had learned in music school had been how to properly use her voice to make herself heard.
“CARROT TOP! WE HAVE A CONFLICT HERE !”
That was all she had to say. The guards jumped on her and smashed Lyra to the ground, but Carrot Top was already running in her direction, and before Lyra could really feel it the guards had been tackled by the yellow earth pony, who immediately jumped on them and started punching everything that moved.
Lyra got up, shook her head, and grinned. Carrot Top gave the most beautiful kicks one could ever imagine. The guards weren’t newbies either, and even the one-eyed seemed to do more or less fine, given the circumstances.
She whistled and joined the party. With a strong jump, she appeared in the middle of the brawl and started kicking, ignoring the pain in her head. That would come up later.
A few seconds later, she was already tasting the blood on her mouth and it felt awesome. Then the nobleponies realized that Carrot Top wasn’t paying any attention to them, and they all exited the mansion as fast as they could.
At the same time.
The sudden stampede made the ground shake like a drunken mare’s ass on a crazy Saturday night, and both the guards and Lyra and Carrot Top saw themselves suddenly separated and covering their faces on the floor, trying not to die squashed by the hundreds of hooves. Fortunately for everpony, they were too stoned to create a good stampede, so the danger wasn’t so big.
Carrot used that break to look at Lyra and smirk. “Now, what the shit are ya doing in here?!” she yelled, trying to make herself audible over the sound of the stampede. She flinched when a pony stepped on her tail. “I was having fun!”
“Well, now you’re having more!” Lyra answered. “I’m supposed to be here to rescue you, but I thought that giving you a hulk asshole to kick was a better idea!”
“Welp,” Carrot answered, “you were right! For once in your life!”
The stampede was slowing down. Lyra and Carrot got up, only to see the guards slowly imitating them. The four ponies stared at each other for a couple seconds while the last bewildered nobleponies ran away.
“And for once in my life I see something I want to punch even more than your dumb face,” Lyra agreed. “Come on, Topsie, imagine they are carrots.”
This time, the fight had bitings.
Author's Note
This is the unfunniest thing I've ever written. And Octavia is very selfish. Then again, everypony is horrible in this group, so I don't think that really matters. And Lyra shows us that, yes, she's still a psycho, in case you had forgot. And wait to see how she fights.
Then again, last chapter was funny, wasn't it? Does that justify this?
Shout-out to Erasmo , GroaningGreyAgony and Neko Majin C for completely different reasons. You guys know why. Or so I hope.
And to Selbi , who is still sick so this thing is still unedited. I wonder if I'll be able to post a correctly edited chapter at least once before we finish this story? Selbi is a cool guy anyway.
Long Story Short, Things Went Down
Sixth Chapter: We Started To Get Serious
Bon Bon had never thought about how much she hated forests until that day, when she saw herself forced to run through one due to her friends. Then again, she had never thought about how much she hated running till that day either, so maybe there were things you had to experience before you knew for sure you hated them.
So, all that running was bad enough. Running through the forest with Vinyl being an idiot over the communicator was worse. But adding Derpy’s insufferable whining to the picture? That was just too much. Usually Derpy was the least annoying of the group, but Celestia she sure was trying to change that. Crying, whining, screaming, yelling… It was amazing just how many nettlesome noises a mare could make with her mouth without saying a single word.
So, when she finally saw Derpy crying her eyes out over the unconscious and bloody Turner—Bon Bon refused to believe he was dead; he was too stupid to die without making a witty comment first—she knew what to do. Oh yes, she sure knew what to do.
Derpy looked at her, all teary and sad and cute and stuff. Over the communicator, Vinyl said something Bon Bon ignored.
“Bloody hell, Derpy, shut the hell up!”
Slap!
And then she slapped Derpy in the face as hard as she could.
Derpy stopped crying immediately. With a confused face, she looked at Bon Bon. Then she looked at Bon Bon’s hoof. Then she put her own hoof on her cheek, right in the spot where Bon Bon had slapped her.
Then she sat on the ground and started crying again, harder than before.
“What the hell did you do?!” Vinyl’s voice wasn’t a pleasant one, and when it was so loud, Bon Bon liked to fantasize about her getting her vocal chords amputated. “WHAT THE EVERLASTING HELL DID YOU DO, YOU IDIOT?!”
“Would you please shut up?!” Bon Bon yelled. Derpy cried even louder. “I slapped her, but for some reason it didn’t work!”
“WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU EXPECTING?”
“I don’t know.” Bon Bon scratched her chin. “For her to get unstoned, I guess.”
“OF COURSE IT DIDN’T WORK THEN! DO YOU EVEN KNOW H—”
“If you don’t stop yelling at me, I swear to Celestia I’ll break this communicator and go home!”
Silence.
Well, relative silence. Derpy was still crying. Bon Bon thought about slapping her again, but that would make Vinyl yell even more, so she did nothing.
Vinyl sighed, and Bon Bon could easily picture her taking off her glasses and massaging her temples. What an ass. That was the most arrogant gesture Bon Bon had ever seen.
Then Vinyl talked, using—of course—a very calm and comforting tone, like if she was talking with a child or something. “Derpy is having a freak-out,” she said. “You see—”
“No shit,” Bon Bon interrupted, “she is? Holy crap. You’re totally blowing my mind here. I thought this was how she acted all the time! If I had known she was going through a freak-out I would have done something different, like maybe slapping her anyway because you—”
“Yeah, shut the fuck up. She’s stoned, and she’s having a bad journey, okay?” Vinyl said. “I don’t know what has happened to Turner, but the drug is making her think it’s something very bad, and her mind is not functioning correctly… And slapping her does nothing, so please don’t hit her.”
Bon Bon squinted her eyes. “Interrupting is rude.”
Silence.
“What?” asked Vinyl.
“You just interrupted me. That’s rude. Don’t do that.”
“Please, tell me that you actually listened to what I was saying instead of just focusing on my interruption.”
“Interrupting is a very rude thing.”
“But you just...! Okay, you know what? Never mind.” Vinyl sighed. “Don’t punch that girl. Hug her, try to comfort her or calm her or something, and… and tell me how Turner is.”
Bon Bon snorted at Vinyl’s words, but obeyed. Partially. No way she was hugging Derpy, but she patted her on the head while muttering and awkward “there, there”. Derpy kinda sorta more or less stopped crying (or at least, she wasn’t as loud as before, which had to count for something), and Bon Bon’s attention turned to something more important.
She scratched her nose. Oh, Celestia, it was itching so hard.
And then, once everything that really mattered had been done, she looked at Turner, because there was nothing else to do, really.
He was lying on the ground in a very stupid way. His limbs were all over the place, like if he had been trying to dance some kind of weird tango with himself. His forehead was all bloody, and he had a couple bruises over his body. But, in the end, he didn’t look so bad. The blood was coming from a very superficial (although long) scratch right above his eyes, so even though at first sight he looked like needing a hospital, after three seconds Bon Bon decided Turner was just a drama queen.
She thought about slapping him until he woke up for a second, but that would have meant too much exercise, so she let that idea go away on its own.
“I think he’s good,” Bon Bon finally said. “I mean, he just has some bruises. He’s a wuss.”
“So he’s unconscious? Nothing too bad?” Vinyl asked with a concerned tone. “He’s breathing and all that stuff.”
“Hm. Yes.” Bon Bon poked Turner. He was warm. “Yeah, now I’m sure he’s not dead.”
“You weren’t sure before?”
“Nah.”
Vinyl sighed. “I thought you said he was okay.”
“Okay and dead are not mutually exclusive,” Bon Bon said. “Anyway, he’ll wake up on his own, eventually. Now what do we do?”
“I… don’t know.” Vinyl sighed again. “You know, I’m getting a headache here. If the Royal Guards are coming we gotta act fast, but… You can’t carry Turner on your own, right?”
“Yeah, that’s not gonna happen.” Bon Bon poked Turner again. “And I’m getting a headache, too.” She looked at Derpy, who was still crying. “You know, I’m not very good at planning.”
“Me neither.”
“Woah, no shit.” Bon Bon snorted. “I totally thought you were the mastermind of this group! You always come up with such wonderful ideas, like for example, being an asshole all the time so we can feel better about ourselves! I always believed that—”
“Your parents either smacked you too much when you were a foal or they didn’t smack you enough,” interrupted Vinyl. “Bon, this is serious .”
“You interrupted me again.”
“And look how many fucks I give! They are just falling from the sky!”
“Har, har, har.” Bon rolled her eyes. “Smartass. So, neither of us is good at planning, but we need a plan.”
“Yeah.”
“Derpy is not bad at plans,” Bon Bon said. The pegasus was still crying, ignoring everything. “And she’s just stoned. Maybe we can, you know… cure her? Like, you know a lot about drugs. Is there some kind of sober-up method?” She bit her lip. “Like, I don’t know… making her puke or something?”
“Nah, that won’t work,” Vinyl said. “Drugs aren’t like alcohol. Derpy is going to have a very bad day once she sobers up, all nauseous and stuff, you know. And puking won’t do anything.” The DJ sounded annoyed. “Believe me, the only way to make that shit go away from your body is time. In a couple hours, maybe five or six, she’ll start to sober up a little. But until then? Nothing.”
Bon Bon kicked the ground. “Well that’s absolutely wonderful! I’m sure she’ll enjoy sobering up once she’s in jail, like absolutely everypony else in this Celestia-forsaken group! Why the fuck do I hang out with you again?!”
“Because you’re so horrible that everypony else throws rocks at you the moment you appear,” answered Vinyl.
“At least I’m not a good-for-nothing DJ that can’t maintain a job for more that two days.”
“I hate you.”
“Fuck you.”
“Bite my ass.”
Bon Bon opened her mouth to reply, but then a miracle happened. She closed it. On her own.
“Vinyl,” she said very slowly, as if she was talking with an even stupider pony. Hard thing to imagine . “Do you mind repeating how can we sober-up Derpy?”
“What?”
“Trust me,” Bon Bon said. “I mean, you can’t do anything else anyway, can you?”
“I can, you know, not trust you ,” answered Vinyl. “Honestly, I would prefer to do that.”
“Vinyl…”
“I mean, I haven’t trusted you in my life.”
“Vinyl, this is serious!”
“Yeah, I am being serious too. I don’t trust you. Hell, if I was hanging from a cliff and you were nearby I would gladly jump into my death instead of asking for your help.”
“Well, I’m fucking glad the feeling is mutual, but we’re kinda screwed right now and I don’t want to go to jail, so stop acting like an asshole and say what I told you!”
Vinyl sighed again, and Bon Bon saw her doing that stupid thing with the glasses in her mind. By Luna she really hated that mare. “Okay, okay. We both agree that jail was horrible.”
“No shit.”
“So, as I said: If we want Derpy to sober up, we’ll have to wait a few hours. Maybe if we keep talking about something stupid she’ll get better? But the Royal—”
“No, that doesn’t work.” Bon Bon shook her head. “Say the exact same words you said before. It’s been like two minutes; even you should be able to remember that.”
“Hmm.” Vinyl tapped her communicator with a hoof. Bon Bon was able to tell because suddenly her ear felt like if somepony was punching it. “Well, you asked me if there was some kind of antidote for Derpy, right? And I said that there wasn’t; Derpy is going to have a very bad day tomorrow, all puking and stuff…”
“And?”
“And then she’ll be okay?”
Bon Bon sighed and massaged her temples with her hooves. “For crying out loud, you’re even useless for this. How do you even do that? How can you be so clinically pathetic all the time?”
“You’re the worst pony I’ve ever known.”
“You said,” continued Bon Bon, ignoring Vinyl, “that ‘the only way to get that shit away is time’, right? Like, we have to wait.”
“Um, yeah?”
“Okay.” Bon Bon nodded. “Good. So, the fact that we have to wait for it is just a secondary effect that we don’t like. Derpy just needs time, not us to wait for her to be better, right?”
“I’m not following you.”
“Oh, come on!” Bon Bon put her leg over Derpy’s shoulder. She looked at her, still crying. “We need this girl to help us with a plan, and she needs time. Am I right?”
“…Are you?”
“For fuck’s sake, Vinyl!”
“Well, it’s not my fault you’re not making any sense!” Vinyl yelled. Bon Bon flinched. Her headache was taking a turn to the worse, apparently. Ugh. “Yes, she will be better over time, because the drug will leave her body. No, the act of us waiting does nothing for it. So what?”
“So.” Bon Bon grinned. “We have Time here, don’t you think? Maybe we can use it as an antidote after all!”
Silence.
“What?”
“Oh, for crying out loud! ” Bon Bon raised her free hoof to the sky. “I surrender, you’re too stupid to follow me on this! I wanted to be more or less dramatic for once, but no , Vinyl is too fucking simple-minded to allow Bon Bon to have her moment. Well, you know what? Fuck you. Let’s get over this shit as soon as possible, I want to go home.” She turned to Derpy. “Really, I don’t know why I even bother trying to give a fuck over this shit. Stupid unicorns, they know nothing about—”
“What the shit are you talking about?!”
“TIME TURNER, YOU BLOODY SACK OF TURDS!” yelled Bon Bon. “For the sake of your dead mother, it’s not so difficult! Time, we need ‘time’ and we have ‘Time Turner’, whose motherfucking first name is ‘Time’, so we have ‘time’! You got it now?! I’m Bon Bon, my fur tastes sweet, I have sweets as my cutie mark; Turner is more or less the same!”
Silence.
“What?”
“DERPY, LICK TURNER’S CUTIE MARK BEFORE I KILL SOMEPONY!”
“What ?! No!” Vinyl screamed. “Derpy, don’t do anything!” The pegasus cringed a little and kept crying, not moving at all. “Bon Bon, what the hell?!”
“For Celestia’s sake, you still don’t understand?!”
“I understand that you’re trying to heal Derpy with a pun !” Vinyl said. “I mean, really? We use Time Turner’s cutie mark? Just because he has a funny name and I happened to word my sentence in a very particular way before?! Are you fucking nuts?!”
“No, I don’t like to copulate with food,” said Bon Bon. “And really, we don’t have any other option! Who cares if we’re using puns? At least it’s something! Maybe Turner tastes like time, and that’s enough!”
“No, that’s not enough, that’s the dumbest fucking thing !”
Bon Bon frowned. “Cutie marks are magical and Turner’s one is a dammed hourglass! If that’s not some sort of metaphor for time then I’m a mule!”
“And if that works, I’m a piñata!” Vinyl yelled back. “Look, magic doesn’t work that way!”
“Oh, sorry, I didn’t know you were an expert on magic!”
“WELL, FOR STARTERS I AM A UNICORN, WHICH IS MORE THAN YOU !”
“AND YOU ARE A PRETTY CRAPPY UNICORN, SO I DON’T THINK THAT MATTERS AT ALL!”
Vinyl sighed. “Okay, Bon? My headache is getting worse, and—”
“Oh, poor thing! You’re having a headache? My, it must be horrible!” interrupted Bon Bon. “I’m sure you’re the only one who’s suffering that kind of pain right now! How fucking inconsiderate on my part to be yelling almost as much as you, right? I mean, it’s not like—”
“Would you please shut up for a moment? Gosh. No wonders half of Canterlot hates you.” Vinyl’s voice sounded tired. Bon Bon took that as a victory. “Look, I don’t want to yell, okay? Sorry for that. But the Royal Guards are coming and we’re losing time with this idiocy, and—”
“And we can’t do anything!” Bon Bon kicked the ground again. “Look, it’s either this or just wait for the Royal Guards without even trying to do a single thing!”
“But it’s not going to work!”
“Well, then it won’t work, but there’s no other option!”
Vinyl answered something, but Bon Bon downright ignored her. She was getting quite good at ignoring ponies. I need to do this more often .
So, instead of listening to that sickening unicorn, Bon Bon raised the hoof that had been over Derpy’s shoulders all this time, put it on the pegasus’ back of the neck, turned to Turner (mentally chuckling for the unintended pun) and shoved Derpy’s face right into Turner’s cutie mark.
At first, nothing happened. Well, Vinyl kept on with her monologue, but Bon Bon didn’t care about that, so it didn’t count. The thing is: Derpy just laid there, her snout completely sunk in the stallion’s cutie mark, for a couple seconds. She had stopped crying from the surprise.
Then, she started to struggle against Bon Bon, trying to get her head up. But Bon Bon was quite stronger than the pegasus, so Derpy’s face didn’t move an inch. Then Derpy started flapping her wings and fighting with all her will, as well as screaming something that Bon Bon was sure wasn’t a cry.
At all.
In fact, it sounded eerily similar to a bunch of curse words yelled against some pony’s butt.
Bon Bon kept pressing Derpy against Turner. It was fun.
Derpy kept screaming.
Vinyl kept yelling.
And after a couple minutes, Bon Bon finally let Derpy go.
The pegasus got up insanely fast, her face as red as the bastard child between an apple and a tomato, and punched Bon Bon in the stomach.
She took the hit without a flinch. “Well, that was polite on your part,” Bon said, annoyed. “I mean, you’re fucking welcome for me taking that drug away from your body.”
“I was choking, you bloody idiot!” answered Derpy. “Why the hell did you hold me for so long?!”
“T’was fun.”
“Wait, Derpy?!” Vinyl said. “Are you kidding me? You sound sober!”
“I am sober now, I think,” Derpy answered, still looking angrily at Bon Bon. “My head is killing me.” She spat. “And I have fur hairs all over my tongue. Seriously, Bon Bon, you didn’t have to push me for so long! I couldn’t breathe!”
“Heh.” Bon Bon smirked. “So it worked. Something to say, Vinyl?”
“Shove a candy bar up my ass and hit me with a baseball bat. This doesn’t make sense,” Vinyl said. “Derpy, please , tell me this is a joke.”
“I’m afraid it is not,” interrupted Bon Bon. “Well then!” She smiled. “It seems like my idea worked!”
“Yeah. So we just learned that Turner’s butt is magical, because of a pun.” Vinyl sighed. “This is the stupidest shit I’ve ever heard, and I’ve been going out with you guys for years.”
Bon Bon didn’t stop smiling. “I still won.”
“You know what?” Vinyl said, “I prefer not to think about this too much. Derpy, the situation is—”
“I know.” Derpy spat again. “I remember what you said while I was crying.” She rolled her eyes. “And I agree on that ‘not talking about this’ thing. The fact that Doc’s flank is magical, or whatever the shit has just happened… It never did. Okay?”
“Okay.”
“Come on, you’re just offended because you didn’t think about this.” Bon Bon chuckled. “You know this can be useful in the future, right?”
“Well, I think I’m a little bit more offended by the fact that you attacked me ,” answered Derpy, “but we don’t have time to think about this shit, so—“
“Technically, we do have time.”
“Bon Bon, please.” Vinyl sounded desperate. “Please . Shut up.”
“As I said, we have more important issues to talk about,” said Derpy, ignoring her friends. “The Guards are coming and everypony is—argh!” she spat again. “I’ll never get this out of my tongue!”
“I thought you wanted to lick his ass,” said Bon Bon, raising an eyebrow. “Why are you so annoyed by it now?”
“Because I want that to be my choice , you asshat.” Derpy rolled her eyes. “And because I want him to lick mine back, and he’s too unconscious to do so. Anyway, so the guards are coming, Tavi has no communicator, and we can’t talk with Lyra?”
“Pretty much, yeah,” Vinyl said. “Any plan?”
Derpy sighed. “No. I can’t think about anything, my head hurts too much.” She looked at Turner, worried. “I’m afraid that we can’t do a thing. Maybe Doc would be able to come up with a plan, but—”
“Oh, come on! We thought that you were going to do that!” Bon Bon snorted. “Are you telling me that this has been useless?”
“Well, I’m not stoned anymore, and I don’t feel like crying,” answered Derpy. “So no, it hasn’t been completely useless, but I can’t help with the situation. Doc is the one who’s good at plans, I’m only good at thinking back-ups when those are easy.”
“Pfffft.” Bon Bon poked Turner again. He didn’t move. “So we need Turner now? Come on!”
“Well…” Vinyl’s voice sounded hopeful. Bon Bon raised her head once she reaized that. “You said that Turner was okay, right?”
“…He looks like it, yeah.”
“So maybe he will wake up if we give him, you know, enough time?”
Silence.
“I doubt that Turner’s ass is so magical,” said Derpy. “I mean, there’s a point in which this becomes too ridiculous, you know?”
“Hey, I didn’t invent cutie marks,” said Vinyl. “And Bon Bon was the one who had the idea, so it’s her fault.”
“Hmm.” Bon Bon got up and looked at Turner. Certainly, he was unconscious, but that was it. Well, that and the blood and bruises and stuff, but again, Bon Bon didn’t care about that, so she ignored those. “But we can’t make this idiot lick his own butt. He’s not flexible enough.”
Derpy spat again.
Silence.
“Say, Derpy… you still have his fur hair all over your tongue, right?”
Derpy frowned. “…Yes?”
“Hm.” Bon Bon smirked. “You know, cutie marks are just fur after all, right? Magical fur, I guess, but fur. That’s it. If you shave your flank, your skin has no cutie mark.”
Derpy nodded, still frowning. “I… guess?”
“Bon Bon,” said Vinyl, “are you wondering what I’m wondering?”
“I think so,” answered Bon. “Derpy, good news: you’re going to put your tongue inside Turner’s mouth. I guess this time you can do it on your own, but if you don’t want me to help you with it you better do it fast .”
The bad thing about ponies screaming is that they make a really loud noise, and if you are stoned and have been running for hours it can give you a pretty strong headache.
More so if you are screaming too.
Even more more so if you don’t know why are you screaming.
The good thing about screaming is that, all in all, it ends at some point. Pony lungs have a maximum air capacity. So, even though everypony took a deep breath and continued with the yelling at least once, eventually the second floor of Blueblood’s mansion finally fell quiet. And then everypony was panting, not really knowing what to do.
That situation went on for a very long time.
Very long time.
Then Cheating Bastard took a deep breath and—
“Fuck, no, you’re not screaming again!” Fleur de Lis took a step and interrupted Cheating Bastard with both her words and a magic slap, judging by her shining horn and the spark that had glistered on the white stallion’s cheek for a second. “There’s been enough of that today, thank you very much.” Bastard lowered his head and whimpered quietly as an answer. The rest of the crowd did nothing but look at the scene with their mouths wide open. Seeing that, Fleur nodded with a smile and turned to the grey mare. “And may I ask who the hell are you, Miss?”
That mare’s look took the earth pony by surprise. “Uh…” she mumbled. “I, uh, I am—”
“She’s Octavia!” Everypony’s attention turned to Cheating Bastard once again, as the white stallion had pointed at Tavi with his right hoof, like trying to imitate a very dramatic attorney. “She’s Octavia Melody! A friend of Carrot Top!”
Octavia blinked. “What? Melody? No! That name’s horrible!” She raised her head and let a confident smile appear on her face. “I’m the first cellist of the Canterlot Royal Orchestra, creator and director of the Chamber Music Extraordinaire! I’m the First Soloist of the Manehattan, Phillydelphia and Gallopfrey’s Royal Orchestras, compositor of more than thirty symphonies, two operas and the famous ‘Ride On My Knights’ military march! I’m the only pony alive able to perform the Third Movement of the Second Symphony KG67 from Robert Schumane, also known as ‘The Catastrophica’, with a single violin and without magic! I’m the winner of three Celestia Prizes for the Excellence and the Enrichment of the Arts!” She chose to let the “sexiest cellist in Canterlot” bit out, at least for once. “I’m Octavia Philharmonica , and you better don’t forget my name!”
Bam . Absolute and astounded silence on the room.
A lot of things could be said about Octavia, but she did know how to make a proper presentation, stoned or not. Vinyl had helped her with that speech long ago, and the results had sure paid off.
Then Fleur de Lis raised an eyebrow. “Gallopfrey?”
“A small island in Maireland.”
“Really? Because I’m from Maireland and I never heard of it.”
“It’s very small.”
“Oh.”
“I am pretty sure that your last name is Melody,” said Cheating Bastard. “I mean, I’ve known you for months!”
“I know the ‘Ride On My Knights’ song,” whispered somepony else on the crowd. “I would have sworn that the composer was named O. Melody…”
“Yeah, Melody sure sounds better…” said another voice.
“Octavia Melody? She is a famous pony?”
“Wait, wasn’t she here last year? Playing that huge violin?”
“I don’t know, she’s said something about a cellist, I haven’t understood that. What’s a cellist?”
“Somebody who takes care of the jail?”
“Then why would the Royal Canterlot Orchestra have one?”
“Miss Melody is a musician,” said Cheating Bastard, interrupting the whispers. “And a violoncello is a… well, you could say it’s a huge violin.”
“My name is not ‘Miss Melody’!” Octavia said.
“I’m pretty sure it is.”
“Well, it’s my name, so something tells me that I have the last word on this matter!” Octavia raised her hooves to the ceiling. “I’m Octavia Phillharmonica, Celestia be damned!”
“Hm.” Fleur, sitting by her side, poked Octavia on the shoulder with her hoof to call her attention. “I don’t want to take sides in this, but I’m pretty sure I’ve read your name as ‘Octavia Melody’ somewhere.”
“Well, obviously the writer was wrong then!”
“But I’ve read it in more than one place,” answered Fleur. “I like music, you see, and Octavia Melody is pretty famous. Maybe she is another musician and her fame is eclipsing yours? That could be possible.”
“What?! No !” Tavi shook her head. “I’m the one and only Octavia in Canterlot. It’s not a common name!”
“Then why does everypony know you as ‘Miss Melody’?”
“Because some idiot wrote my name like that and then it grew popular !”
“You gotta say, ‘Melody’ is easier to say than ‘Philharmonica’,” said a pink pony with a saddle covering her cutie mark. “Maybe you should change your name?”
“That would certainly be a good thing, in my humble opinion.”
“I WILL NOT CHANGE MY NAME BECAUSE OF IT BEING HARD TO SPELL!”
“But ‘Melody’ is far more Canterlot-like, my dear,” said Bastard. “Your other name is a little too… Rural, I would say?”
“OH, OF COURSE, LET’S TAKE NAMING ADVICE FROM MISTER CHEATING BASTARD , THAT MAKES A LOT OF SENSE!”
“Well that was uncalled for!” he said, raising a hoof and putting it against his chest. “I feel offended!”
“There’s no need to scream, Miss Melody,” the pink saddle pony said.
“FUCK YOU!”
“Please, Miss Philharmonica,” said Fleur. “I have a headache, so I would be very grateful if you stopped screaming. Right now.”
“BUT—!”
“I said right now. ”
There was something in Fleur’s eyes—some particular sparkle that made clear it was better for Octavia to just shut up and obey—that made her stop screaming. Fleur sighed in relief once she closed her mouth and waved her hoof.
“Thank you,” she said. “I think all this smoke is messing with our heads, my dear. Excuse us for arguing about your name.” Then, in a barely audible whisper, she added. “But don’t be fooled. They’re always as idiotic as this.”
“The smoke is messing with our heads?” Cheating Bastard approached the two mares with a worried look on his face. “What do you mean?”
“Well, usually white smoke doesn’t smell as sweet as this one,” said Fleur, pointing at the whole room, which was still filled with white and black smoke. “I thought it may be some kind of drug. I certainly feel like my head is lighter than usual.”
“Now that you mention it…”
“I think you’re right,” said Octavia. “This white smoke is a mixture of drugs, I am… sure. Don’t ask why,” she added. “Although I think the effect is slowly fading away. After all—”
She interrupted herself when she felt that something was amiss. What had she said?
“This white smoke is a mixture of drugs,” she repeated, slowly. “White smoke.”
The room was filled with white and black smoke. The latter smelled like burned wood. It was coming from the floor.
The realization came a couple seconds after she noticed this.
Turner felt something warm and wet gently touching his tongue and teeth. At first he didn’t recognize the taste, but then it became something like old wine, old wood and old pastry. And there was something else… Hair?
Then he realized his head wasn’t hurting as much as before, and his mind was way clearer. The thing in his mouth was still moving… But what was it? He was pretty sure he knew it, but he couldn’t quite say it…
Then it stopped, and Turner opened his eyes.
Derpy and Bon Bon were there, looking at him with a worried look. Well, Derpy was, at least. Bon Bon looked more like a mixture of bored and angry. Then again, Bon Bon always looked like that.
For a second or two, everything was silent, even though he could see Bon Bon’s lips moving. His senses weren’t coming back at the same time. That can’t be good.
Then the sound came, and suddenly Turner could hear screams on the distance and Bon Bon’s words, clear as day.
“—d now he’s looking at me with that face. You know the one.”
“The sleepy one? Or that one that makes you want to punch him hard?” Vinyl’s voice sounded through Turner’s communicator. He noticed, surprised, that the device was still on his ear.
“The latter,” answered Bon Bon. “Oi, Turner! I can see that you’re awake, so either you move that stupid ass of yours, or I’ll get the hell away from here as fast as possible!”
“Ugh.” Turner twisted his mouth at Bon’s scream. “I feel like the battle of Rocinante is taking place in my head. For Luna’s mighty gonads, stop being so loud.”
“Doc!” Derpy smiled at him once he spoke, clearly relieved. “Oh, thank Celestia, you’re okay!” Then she frowned. “I can’t believe that worked.”
“It worked once,” said Bon Bon, suddenly smirking. Turner had never seen Bon Bon smirking before. “Why wouldn’t it work twice?”
“Mostly because it’s so stupid the Universe should have destroyed itself after the first time,” said Vinyl. “But we don’t have time for this. Turner, look, the sit—”
“What worked twice?” With Derpy’s help, Turner got up until he was sitting down, his back resting on a tree. Only then did he notice they were still at the garden of Blueblood’s mansion. “Wait, what’s happening?” he asked. “I remember hearing something very loud, and then…”
“Magic trees, Lyra using a giant dolphin to fuck with the nobles, the guards found us,” said Bon Bon. “There, that’s everything that happened before. You’re welcome. Now, Lyra and Carrot Top cannot hear us, you can’t run, Octavia can’t talk to us, the Royal Guards are coming and we really need a plan, Turner. I don’t want to go to jail again.”
“Yes, me neither. Lyra and Carrot Top are at the mansion. Octavia is on the second floor,” continued Vinyl. “A lot of things happened while you were unconscious. You see—”
“Wait.” Turner raised a hoof, interrupting Vinyl. A stupid move, as Vinyl was a few kilometers away, but the thought of it is what mattered. “I can’t think clearly right now; give me a couple minutes to clear my mind.”
“I’m not sure we can do that, Doc.” Derpy caressed his hoof, still sounding worried. Turner raised an eyebrow at her voice. She sure sounded like being in a hurry. “Right now the guards are coming here. This is a race against the clock, and we need your brain to do this as fast as we can. Please.”
Turner sighed. His head hurt like hell, and he wasn’t exactly at his best. A plan? Right then? With the guards coming? Were they crazy? There was no way he could do anything. Maybe if he had some minutes to think, maybe if his head wasn’t hammering him so hard, he could have done something. But at the moment, it was impossible.
He was going to say it—he had even opened his mouth do mutter the words—but then he noticed something. “Your eyes are funny-looking again,” he said, looking at Derpy. “And you sound sober. How’s that?”
“We found a way to clear her mind,” said Vinyl. “Well, technically Bon Bon did. I don’t want to have anything to do with that way of thinking, honestly.”
“I like how you try to distance yourself from my genius,” said Bon. “It’s like you have finally accepted you have the brains of a fish, so why try to look intelligent at all?”
“Bon, really, I hope you die in a fire made of acid.”
“I also love when you try to answer me but you fail miserably, so you end up just insulting me or saying something as stupid as that. You see, it makes you think about—”
Bon Bon went on for a while, but Turner didn’t listen. Celestia, he was so tired. The night had been too long. First, the whole Vinyl/Octavia drama, then the guards bit, then Derpy being stoned, and now this? That was how the night was going to end? Him listening to Bon Bon until the Royal Guards kicked him in jail so hard that he wouldn’t be able to sit down in three months?
And then, it clicked.
“Girls,” Derpy said, “I think now it’s not the time to—”
“Don’t worry,” interrupted Turner.
And he smirked. After a whole night suffering the other’s smirks, he finally found a chance to do one himself.
And hey, it worked! It scared everypony near him. Bon Bon looked like she had seen a ghost, and Derpy smiled sweetly. Okay, so Derpy is not scared, but Bon is what matters here.
“I have a plan. We need to gamble a little, but it’s the best I can do,” Turner said. Then he took the communicator out of his ear. “Vinyl, you can still hear me, right?”
“Yeah,” she answered.
Turner nodded. “Good. Now, Derpy?”
“Yes?”
“Come here a second.”
Confused, she obeyed. He approached her ear, and whispered something to her quietly enough that only Derpy could hear it. Once he finished, she still looked confused, but she nodded after Turner’s interrogative look.
“What was that?” asked Bon Bon. “Turner, what the hell are you doing?”
“Saving my own ass,” he answered. “Now,” he said, pointing at the communicator, still on his hoof, “if the sound is not as loud as before I’ll wear this thing in no time, but I don’t wanna take chances. You aren’t going to faint, so I hope you don’t mind. If you think I can resist the noise, then tell me and we can start. If I can’t, then I guess you’ll have to repeat everything I say and hope they hear us.”
“They?” Bon Bon frowned. “What do you mean?”
“Vinyl,” said Turner, ignoring Bon Bon, “add Lyra to the main conversation. We’re finishing this crap before the Royal Guards arrive.”
Author's Note
Sorry for disappearing all of a sudden. Real life is a bitch sometimes.
Anyway, I really like puns and I really hate the name "Octavia Melody." I don't know if I made myself clear enough.
Also, huge shout-out to Tarascha both for being awesome and for reminding me to be awesome.
Long Story Short, Things Went Down
Seventh Chapter: We Tried To Work As A Team
Fighting is, all in all, pretty easy—at least if you’re a unicorn. Mostly because, even when one has no magic (because moving a giant, pony-fucking dolphin can be very tiring), a horn on the forehead is just perfect for stabbing.
And boy, did Lyra use it for that. There was something funny in poking that giant stallion with it. Maybe it was pure symbolism; the act of using a clearly phallic object to subdue a male who had both the attitude and the aspect of an alpha male was a powerful message to the world and a great image. It was the pure joy of reversing the everlasting “gender role” way of thinking that modern society had embraced lately, it was a fight against the tyrants, the oppressors, and a fight for freedom. Maybe it was fun because it was, in some sort, some kind of poetry.
Or maybe Lyra just enjoyed stabbing things.
Having her stabbing record in mind, chances were that she just liked stabbing the guard. It was the perfect activity: it included both stabbing and hurting some random dude. For Lyra Heartstrings, that was like Hearth’s Warming Eve and her birthday, all at the same time.
Of course, and again keeping her stabbing record in mind, she had Hearth’s Warming Eve and her birthday at the same time at least three times a month. But the magic was still there—the moment was still enjoyable.
Boy, being mentally unstable can pay off a lot sometimes .
The fight had been going for quite a while now. She had to admit it: the stallion knew how to deal with a punch. Lyra had at least three ribs broken. But the guard had five or so, so she was still winning.
She could see Carrot Top by her side. While kicking the guard’s genitals again, Lyra realized that her friend was way less injured than herself. Carrot had a black eye, yes, but that was all. Carrot’s ribs looked right, and usually ribs were the first thing you broke in a fight.
Well, maybe that wasn’t exactly true. But Lyra always aimed for the ribs, because they made that crunch noise she thought was cute.
Anyway, Carrot Top was perfectly fine, while Lyra knew that she would at least sleep a night or two at the hospital. The guard Topsie was fighting was also way more hurt than Lyra’s. Hell, that guy could hardly move. Of course, Lyra’s was bigger (Carrot Top was fighting the one with a steel bar on his flank, while Lyra had the gay one, if her memory was still working), but that was no excuse. Carrot was fighting way better than her tonight.
“Well, this sucks!” Lyra said, frowning at the sight. Then the guard kicked her in the torso hard enough to launch her a couple meters away. Woops. There go three of my ribs . Now the guard was winning. “Oh, bummer!”
“THAT’S IT, YOU MONSTER! I GOT YOU!” yelled the guard, jumping onto her. Lyra didn’t really mind him—she just rolled to one side, got up and let the stallion hit the ground on his own. Then she stabbed him in the neck because why the fuck not?
Then she kicked him between the eyes. The guard let out a grunt and his eyes rolled back, showing the white part. Good. Nothing kept a pony busier than brain damage, and she wanted a couple seconds of calm. “Hey, Carrot! What are you doing?”
Carrot Top was, coincidentally, also hitting the other guard’s head at the moment. When the stallion fell, she kicked him a couple more times in the same point. She only stopped after hearing Lyra’s words. “What?” she asked, turning around with an annoyed look. “I’m busy here!”
“I’m asking what the hell are you doing, you fucking idiot!” Lyra pointed at the guard, who was bleeding so much he looked red. “That’s wrong in so many levels! You gotta make him last , girl!”
“I’ll do whatever the hell I want!”
“Well, then you’re going to kill him and you’re gonna get bored!” Lyra rolled her eyes. She caught a glimpse of her particular guard getting up. “You’re barely hurt!”
“Shut up.”
Lyra would have answered something, but then the guard jumped to her again. Lyra could have avoided him pretty easily, but she decided not to. Where was the fun in doing that? That guard was all muscle but zero technique. Maybe he does nothing but lift weights . Well, that didn’t really matter. He was no good at fighting, so Lyra had to give him a couple good hits now and then.
So she took the hit, and then she fell to the ground with the guard on top of her.
“Aw!” Holy shit, that hurt more than expected. How come…? Oh, right. She had six ribs broken now. She had forgot. “Well, that’s just stupid,” Lyra whispered. Then the guard punched her in the face.
Aaaaaaand there goes another molar . She was going to look like an octogenarian by the end of the night, with so many teeth flying around. Lyra didn’t like that, so she used the few ones she still had to bite the guard’s nose—nearly—as hard as she could. She didn’t want to tear his nose off, after all. That would be impolite .
Then she stabbed him in the face with the horn. And then she got up and kicked him in the chest, launching him to the ground.
Crunch !
Oh, Celestia, that’s so cute. Those were at least two ribs.
She was waiting for the guard to get up when her communicator beeped. Then, Vinyl, Derpy, and Bon Bon’s voices came through it saying some gibberish, but Lyra didn’t really mind them—the guard was still on the ground. What was wrong with him? She took a few steps towards him and…
“Oh Celestia, you’re puking?” Lyra turned around. “Bleurgh. Control yourself, you freak!” She quickly retreated five meters or so. The sound of the guard vomiting made her feel sick. “Gross…”
“Lyra? Lyra, can you hear me?” This time she could understand the voice, it was Turner’s. “Please, tell me you can hear me, or else we’re fucked.”
“Howdy, lover boy? I just kicked your coltfriend’s ass so hard he can’t get up.” She turned around, giving the back to her guard. “Carrot, finish mine once you’re done with yours!” she yelled. “So, Turner, what’s up?”
“Did you just tell Carrot to kill someone?”
“Maybe. I doubt she’s going to do that, but…” She shrugged. “I’m done with him anyway. He’s puking, you see. It grosses me out.”
“Puking grosses you out? Lyra, I’ve seen you stabbing a mare’s leg with a fork.”
“And?”
“And then you kept on using that fork to eat your salad.”
“I’m so amazed by the fact that even now you feel the urge to talk about some crap that absolutely nopony cares about that I don’t really know what to say, Turner,” Bon Bon said. Immediately, Lyra rolled her eyes. “I mean, that takes guts. Sure, we are racing against the clock here, but you keep on having your priorities on. That’s just amazing. I’m seriously impressed.”
“Bon Bon, please.” Vinyl was the one talking this time. “Turner, the Royal Guards are coming. Lyra, we need you to do something.”
“Yeah,” Turner said. “Lyra, we need your abilities.”
“And I should listen to you because…?” Lyra saw with the corner of her eye how Carrot Top punched the steel bar cutie mark guard so hard the stallion fell unconscious immediately. “You know, if the Royal Guards are coming, I think I’m gonna run away and call it a day. I don’t want to go to jail like Vinyl and Bon.”
“If you don’t listen to me, then you’re going to end up there, that’s for sure.” Turner sounded like he was smirking. “You know, they are already coming here, so you can’t run away.”
“So we’re fucked?” asked Bon Bon.
“Unless we do what I say.”
“Okay, lover boy. Hit me with your best shot.” Lyra turned around to Carrot, who was kicking the other guard’s head. “The house guards are not an issue anymore, by the way.”
“Oh. That’s… good I guess?” Derpy said. “You didn’t hurt them, right?”
“I hit mine in the balls so hard that he will never have any children,” said Lyra. “But, you now, he was gay so I doubt he really gives a fuck. Does that count as ‘hurt’ to you?”
“…Yes?”
“So, balls-kicking aside, the guards are coming and we can’t run away because they’ll get us,” said Turner. “And even if they weren’t as close as they may be by now, most of us can barely run, so there’s that.”
“Then what’s the plan?” asked Vinyl.
“What are you doing?” Carrot Top approached Lyra from behind and put a hoof over her shoulders. “Talking to yourself? You’re even crazier than I thought.”
“And you’re even more moronic than I imagined,” said Lyra dismissively. She pointed at her ear. “Communicator,” she said. “I’m talking with Turner.”
“Turner? Is he also here?”
“We’re all here, because you’re too dumb to take care of yourself,” answered Lyra. “Also, the Royal Guards are coming and we’ve filled this shitty party with drugs, so we’re going to end up in jail if we don’t do something.”
“What?” Carrot Top frowned. “But that’s bad, right?”
“Turner?” Lyra ignored Carrot Top. “You heard that? She is with me. Is that good?”
“Yeah, of course. We came for her after all.” Turner sighed. “Listen, Lyra, I need your magic.”
“Well, then I got bad news for ya,” said Lyra. She spat on the ground. The saliva had a reddish color. “I can’t use it. Spent it on the giant dolphin, y’see.”
“Oh, come on!” Vinyl said. “Magic doesn’t work that way. You’re tired, but you can cast something if you really try.”
“Yeah, well, my head hurts a lot, so I don’t want to.”
“Welcome to the club,” answered Turner. “Look, I just need a little thing. I wouldn’t ask you for something big. After all, you only know two spells.”
“I feel an urge to kick you right now, Turner,” muttered Lyra. “Don’t try to force me.”
“No, really, you’re still doing it. You’re still saying nothing about the real plan, and even though I really admire you for it—”
“Shut up, Bon Bon!” interrupted Lyra. “Turner, I wanna go home as fast as fucking ASAP as possible, so stop being a drama queen and tell me what to do .”
Silence.
“You know,” said Turner, “that sentence was clearly incorrect. ‘ASAP’ already means ‘as soon as possible’, so you said ‘as soon as fucking as soon as—‘”
“I’m going to be honest here: I don’t give a single fuck, and you shouldn’t do it either,” Lyra said. “Now, for the first time in my life, I think Bon Bon is right: stop rambling and tell me what to do so I can do it against my will.”
“Why would you do it against your will?” asked Carrot Top. “Also, is it me or did you insult me a moment ago?”
“It was a friendly compliment,” said Lyra. “Turner. Now.”
“It’s kinda obvious, if you think about it,” he said. “The plan, I mean. The guards are coming, but they don’t know what they are looking for, because a house full of drugs is not something you usually see. As we can’t run away before they get in, the only thing we can do is distract them and then get the fuck outta here.”
“A distraction?” Derpy said. “Makes sense. What do you have in mind, Doc?”
“Well, if I remember correctly, Lyra only knows two spells,” said Turner. “One of them is levitation, and the other is that one she used to fire up the drugs.”
“And my curtains,” added Bon Bon.
“And Bon Bon’s curtains,” repeated Turner. “Lyra, a single spark should be easy to do. And fancy parties are always filled with alcohol. Do the math.”
“You need a distraction so I set fire to the Princess’ nephew’s house,” said Lyra. “I like it.” She looked at Carrot Top, who was staring at her with a confused look and smirked. “Topsie, ready for some fireworks?”
“Set fire to the—? Wait! WAIT! OCTAVIA IS STILL IN THERE! OCTAVIA IS—!”
Lyra took the communicator out of her ear and threw it away. “Yeah, I don’t care. She’ll find a way out,” she muttered. “I’m not going to jail, thank you very much.”
“What are you talking about?” Carrot asked. “And why did you throw that thing away?” She rubbed her forehead. “Ugh, my head hurts. But now I’m not all dizzy. Why?”
“Getting a black eye always sobers you up a little,” said Lyra. “Adrenaline and shit. That’s why I always get in a bar fight if I feel like having a hangover in the morning. Now help me gather some alcohol, I need to burn this fucking place down.”
“FIRE! THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!”
“WE NEED TO GET THE HELL AWAY FROM HERE!”
“THE SMOKE IS COMING FROM THE STAIRS, TOO! WE’RE LOCKED HERE!”
Once the first scream was heard, everypony lost their shit. Octavia couldn’t find any other words to describe what happened in that room.
Of course, everything was kind of predictable. Take thirty of the stupidest ponies you’ll ever know, put them in a room, force them to smoke some drugs and scream “fire” at them. There was only one possible result, and it was eerily similar to a bunch of teenagers going to their favorite pop star’s first concert.
Except with less idiocy and with fear instead of joy. Equal number of tears, though.
Octavia herself couldn’t help but hyperventilate a little. The black smoke was filling the room shockingly fast, and once you smelled the scent of burned wood and fabric you couldn’t stop noticing it. Fleur de Lis, by her side, also looked a little worried.
“Calm down,” she said once she noticed Octavia was staring at her. “Don’t panic. In situations like this one, the last thing you need to do is panic. We can get out. We have magic, and there are some pegasi in here after all. Maybe they can…”
“They are drugged!” interrupted Octavia. She pointed at the crowd. Everypony was running in circles, screaming and yelling and crying and, well, panicking in general. “I would be surprised if any of them remembered they have wings!”
“Well, yes.” Fleur nodded. “But still, it’s only one floor. Maybe we can jump to the trees…”
“CALM DOWN! I SAID CALM DOWN! I NEED YOU TO LISTEN!”
Cheating Bastard’s voice was surprisingly powerful. Some of the ponies stopped screaming once the white stallion yelled, and soon the room was relatively silent once again. Octavia and Fleur turned around to the stallion with a surprised look. Cheating Bastard was standing at the center of the room, and the nobleponies had gathered around him, forming a semicircle.
“I SAID CALM DOWN! ”
Even more ponies stopped screaming. Fleur raised an eyebrow. “Well, that was useful,” she said.
Then Cheating Bastard kicked the floor. “CARROT TOP IS THE ONE WHO MADE THIS!” he said. He then sat on the floor and got his head in between his hooves. “SHE’S TRYING TO KILL US ALL!” he said. “WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE IN HERE!”
A sudden silence.
That lasted for like three seconds.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
“I DON’T WANT TO DIE! I’M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!”
“I WANT TO GO HOME!”
“AAAAAAAAAAARGH!”
“Well, fuck me. Bastard is worse than expected,” Fleur said above the now louder noise of the crowd losing its shit (but this time, harder ). “Now they think we’re going to kick the bucket. Yay!”
“Uh.” Octavia raised an eyebrow. Even though the room was filled with craziness, being with Fleur was surprisingly calming. She was still scared out of her mind because of the fire and the scent of burned wood, but she had enough nerve to stop herself from screaming. “Now they realize that? Then why were they screaming before?”
“Honestly? I think they just like screaming.” Fleur shrugged. “But now they understand why they should be afraid, thanks to Lord Bastard.”
“Amazing.”
“Yeah, they’re like wild animals, except dumber.” Fleur turned to the window again. “I have the theory that they smack their foals to the ground a couple times when they’re one year old so they don’t grow up to be smarter than Mommy and Daddy.”
“That would certainly explain a couple things,” said Octavia. The nobleponies were running in circles again, and Cheating Bastard was trying to say something. The cacophony was too loud for anypony to understand him, though. “You know, when you’re looking at them from the scenario, they look intelligent.”
“Oh, looking intelligent is easy if you know how to.” Fleur pointed at the window. “Now, as I said before Cheating Bastard showed us his infinite wisdom, we can jump out of the window to the trees. Or I can try to use my magic and levitate some kind of ladder…”
“Hm, makes sen—”
“SHE IS WITH CARROT TOP! OCTAVIA MELODY IS WITH CARROT TOP!”
Cheating Bastard’s voice was finally loud enough for the room to understand his words. Octavia clenched her teeth. “My name is Philharmonica ,” she whispered.
“SHE IS WITH CARROT TOP! SHE IS ALSO TRYING TO KILL US! SHE CAME HERE TO KILL US ALL!”
Bam.
Suddenly, everything was quieter than Turner’s grandmother’s grave. She felt a thousand eyes staring at her (which was kinda weird, as there were only thirty ponies in that room or so), and even though she was used to ponies looking at her, she felt her ears go down.
“SHE IS WITH OUR KILLER!” repeated Cheating Bastard, who apparently was pretty happy with the attention he was getting. “SHE IS WITH CARROT TOP!”
Again, nopony said a word. But suddenly there were a lot of nobleponies frowning, visibly angry.
“Is that true?” Fleur raised an eyebrow at her. The unicorn’s face was unreadable. “It’s the second time he accuses you of being friends with that mare. Are you responsible for this mess?”
“Um.” Octavia gulped. “Well, technically, I guess I am ,” she said. “And yes, I am a ‘friend’ of Carrot Top. In fact, I came here to take her home, as—”
“SHE’S WITH HER! YOU ALL HEARD IT!” Again, Cheating Bastard was screaming. Octavia suddenly remembered she had a headache, and immediately her head started hurting again. “SHE’S RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR DEATHS!”
“Last time I checked I was pretty much alive,” said Fleur, but nopony heard her. Instead, the nobleponies started whispering things that didn’t sound very comforting.
“Monster!” whispered one mare.
“I can’t believe we’re all gonna die here!”
“I won’t go down without a fight!”
“She is the one who set fire to the house?”
“Terrorists!”
“Let’s make her pay!”
“Yeah, let’s make her pay!”
“Down with the murderer!”
The nobleponies were all together, standing as a big, fat, fancy mob. They took a few steps towards Octavia. The mare felt the window on her back—she had nowhere to run.
“Let’s make her pay!”
“Yeah!”
“Out the window with her!”
“She wants to kill us; let’s kill her then!”
“Set fire to the—? Wait! WAIT! OCTAVIA IS STILL IN THERE! OCTAVIA IS STILL IN THE HOUSE!”
Derpy couldn’t help but flinch once Vinyl’s voice—ten times as loud as she thought it was physically possible—came through the communicator. By her side, Bon Bon did the same, and Turner grabbed his head and yelped in pain before taking the device out of his ear.
Then they heard Lyra’s voice.
“Yeah, I don’t care. She will find a way out. I’m not going to jail, thank you very much.”
Tunk.
And for a few seconds, everything was quiet.
“What?” Bon Bon was, of course, the first one talking, because that mare couldn’t bear silence for more than three seconds. “Did she just throw the communicator away or it was my imagination?”
“That… fucking… IDIOT !” Again, Vinyl’s voice made Derpy flinch. Bon Bon twitched her mouth. “OCTAVIA’S LIFE IS IN DANGER! YOU CAN’T SET FIRE TO THAT FUCKING BUILDING! SHE’LL BURN DOWN WITH IT!”
“Oh, no!” Derpy said, turning to the house and gulped. “W-we have to help her! We need to—!”
“If we go in there, then the Royal Guards will get us,” interrupted Bon Bon. “Just saying.”
“LYRA! DON’T START THAT FIRE OR I SWEAR I WILL KILL YOU!”
“Vinyl, don’t waste your breath.” Derpy turned around when she heard Turner talking. He was smirking and holding the communicator right in front of his face. The volume of Vinyl’s yelling was so high that he still could hear them. When he noticed Derpy was looking at him, he winked at her. Derpy felt her ears get hotter and lowered her head to hide her blush. “Lyra can’t hear you. I’m afraid she’s going to burn Blueblood’s down,” he said.
“YOU! ” Vinyl said. “YOU FUCKING IDIOT, YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO COME UP WITH A GOOD PLAN! YOU SENTENCED OCTAVIA TO DEATH!”
“I… guess I forgot she was in there for a moment,” Turner said. “My bad?”
“THE HELL ? THAT’S ALL YOU’RE GONNA SAY? Turner, if something happens to Octavia I SWEAR I WILL SKIN YOU AND THEN FORCE YOU TO EAT YOUR OWN PELT, YOU SON OF A BITCH !”
“Hush, you don’t need to bring my mother into this. It’s only Octavia, she’ll be fine.” Turner covered the communicator with his hoof, as Vinyl was still screaming some uninterrupted bunch of (quite imaginative, Derpy had to admit) insults, and looked at Bon Bon. “Hey, do you mind giving your communicator to Lyra if you see her? You will need her magic down there.”
Bon Bon frowned and took her communicator from her ear too. Derpy imitated her, and immediately she sighed, relieved. Vinyl sure knew how to be loud. “Down?” asked Bon Bon. “What do you mean by ‘down’?”
“You two should go and try rescue Octavia,” answered Turner. “You know, big scary fire, distressed damsel… stuff like that.” He waved a hoof. “Go, go, go! I will be waiting for you here!”
The image of Octavia being surrounded by flames and dying a horrible death came to Derpy’s mind, and she turned around, ready to take flight and go to the mansion as fast as she could. However, she was stopped by Turner’s voice.
“Wait,” he said. “Take your communicators away for a second, if you please.”
There was something in his voice, in his eyes. He sounded serious, for once. Usually, Turner was everything but serious—or at least, he was not like that . Derpy obeyed, not doubting in the least that he had something important to say. She could still hear Viny’s screams through the communicator in her hoof, though.
By her side, Bon Bon frowned. “You’re saying a lot of stupid things today, Turner,” she said. “Of course, you do that every single day, but today? Today you’re like the stupidest stupid in Stupidtown. Population: you. And Carrot Top. And Vinyl.” She paused for a second. “And everypony in this fucking group of friends but me, now that we’re at it. No offense, Derpy, but you’re a moron.”
“Gee, thanks.” Derpy glared at her. “The feeling is mutual, you—”
“See? Even she thinks you’re being stupid and I’m the only clever one,” interrupted Bon Bon. “But anyway, what’s up with you now? You’re still half asleep or something? First I gotta give this shit to Lyra, now I need to take it off… And for crying out loud, I can’t hear a bloody word with the unicorn screaming at me.” With a smooth gesture, she took off the communicator and threw it to the ground. “There,” she said, “I took that shit off. What do you want?”
“Well, for starters, give those things to me,” said Turner. “Vinyl can still hear us. Thanks,” he said as both mares put the devices on his hoof. He dug a little hole in the ground and put them into it, then covered the hole with dirt. Vinyl’s muffled voice suddenly stopped.
“Good,” he said after doing this. “Vinyl is still yelling at me, I think, so I doubt she’ll realize we’ve stopped listening. We need to talk in private.”
Derpy gulped. “Why? What’s up, Doc?”
“Look, Derpy…” Turner scratched his muzzle. “It’s simple: Vinyl doesn’t need to hear this, and I need to buy us some time. And I think talking is a good way to spend it, right?”
“Keeping in mind that the Royal Guards are coming, I think that’s a pretty stupid idea, if y—”
“Bon Bon, please.” Turner rolled his eyes. “Do you really think the Royal Guards are coming?”
Silence.
“…What?” Derpy shook her head and took a step towards Turner. He smirked at her. She couldn’t hide her blush this time. For Luna’s mighty gonads, he’s too hot to handle sometimes. All bloody, covered in bruises and smirking and talking like that, Turner looked like a genius.
Derpy had a smartness fetish.
“Giving the fact that I heard how the guards said word-for-word that the Royal Guards are coming, I think you just demonstrated that you’re, in fact, a bigger idiot than expected,” said Bon Bon. “But come on, both of us know that you’re going to start talking and then you won’t stop for hours. So go ahead and make it quick, I have a headache.”
“As you please, you twat.” Turner stuck out his tongue to the earth pony, and suddenly his hotness level decreased. Derpy felt a little disappointed. “You see, I guess that it was impossible for you to understand everything from the first moment. You were scared, and nothing is stupider in this world than a scared jackass.” Turner chuckled. “As for Lyra, well… Her mind doesn’t work the right way, so yeah. Octavia is pretty smart, though. Maybe she realized that the Royal Guards can’t be coming here.”
“Doc, really, I think you should go straight to the point,” interrupted Derpy. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I would love to hear your full explanation, but—”
“You think you’re clever; we got it.” Bon Bon frowned. “So the Royal Guards aren’t coming. Do you mind explaining why now, or do you want to ramble for two hours before saying a fucking word we actually care about?”
“Both guards of this mansion are earth ponies,” said Turner after a sigh. “And this mansion is pretty far away from the palace, if I remember correctly.”
Silence.
“You mean that…?”
“The two guards were lying,” he said. “Without wings or a horn, contacting the Royal Guards from here in such a short amount of time is impossible. Well,” he said, “maybe you can contact them if you put a very big signal in the sky or something, but I doubt they have such equipment.”
“This is Blueblood’s mansion,” said Derpy. “Maybe he has some kind of way to call them? He’s Celestia’s nephew after all! If there’s a house the Royal Guards have in mind, is this one!”
“This is also the place Blueblood uses to grow his drug garden,” replied Turner. “So, in my opinion, if there’s a house the Royal Guards have never been in, it’s this one. I mean, think about it! Even being the house with more nobility per square meter in town, the only security in here were the gay guard and his companion.” He snorted. “I’m sure they’re not even professionals. They’re Blueblood’s friends or something like that—somepony that knows there’s a lot of drugs here, but doesn’t give a damn about it.”
Derpy gulped. Hotness levels rising.
“Uh.” Bon Bon bit her lip. “It kind of… makes sense, I guess. But if he’s so afraid of getting caught, why the hell did he host the party in here?”
“Well…” Turner shrugged. “It’s Canterlot’s tradition? Or maybe he’s just a moron. Hell if I know, it doesn’t really matter. What is important here,” he said, tapping the ground with one hoof, “is that the Royal Guards aren’t coming. I have a hundred reasons to believe that, and I can explain all of them to you if you ask me to. However, if you want to make it simpler because you feel uncomfortable around my genius, then do whatever you want. I don’t really care.” He finished his speech with another confident smirk.
Holy shit, hotness level to the max. Somepony hold me or I’m going to pop more than just bubbles tonight.
Then she realized what was he saying, and her lust disappeared for a moment. “Hold on a minute,” she said, “if nopony’s coming here to get us, then why did you tell Lyra to burn down the house?”
“Because I’ve been listening to Vinyl’s drama all night, and I’m kinda tired of it,” explained Turner. “So I figured a way to, you know, fix everything in one go so I can go back to not giving a single fuck about her personal life. Call me a monster, but I like my life to be as far from romance as possible.”
“Yeah, sure.” Bon Bon sighed. “You realize you’ve put Octavia’s life in danger? That you’re being—”
“There’s another reason,” he interrupted. “You see, we attacked this fucking mansion and a lot of ponies saw Carrot Top. And the guards saw both me and Octavia. So, if we just grabbed Lyra, Octavia and Carrot and ran away, eventually the drugs would disappear from everypony’s system. And then they would run to the Royal Guards, this time for real, and we would end up in jail in the blink of an eye.”
Derpy gulped. Bon Bon closed her mouth.
“However,” Turner said, “if we are the ones that call the Royal Guards, and if we explain what’s, you know, ‘really’ happening in here?” He waved a hoof. “Everpony’s drugged, I’m hurt and the guards are unconscious. Suddenly we’re not the monsters who fucked up everything; we’re the heroes who saved everypony’s life. Everypony realizes we were just trying to help and everything cleans up nicely. More or less.”
Derpy frowned. “And what about Vinyl’s drama? What does that have to do with all you’re saying now?”
“Eh, both her and Octavia argued because Tavi is at least as egotistical as me, and Vinyl’s an idiot.” Turner licked his lips. “Everything will clean up nicely in there. I mean, Octavia’s life is in danger and all that. I’m sure they’ll make amends.”
“You’re a horrible pony,” said Bon Bon. “Words cannot express how extreme my hate for you is.”
“So you realized how clever I am?”
“I realized that you are so desperate to be seen as a clever stallion that we spent a lot of minutes talking instead of doing something useful for once,” Bon Bon said. However, she sounded more annoyed than angry. “Also, how the hell do you want to call the Royal Guards? The only one who’s not an earth pony here is Derpy, and I doubt she’s gonna fly there just to help you with your stupid plan.”
Derpy smiled. “I would do that if you ask me to, Doc.” She looked at Bon Bon, who was glaring at her. “What? It’s a good plan.”
“The hell it is. It’s unnecessarily complicated,” muttered Bon Bon.
“I don’t need you to fly anywhere, Derpy.” Turner shook his head. “And we spent a couple minutes talking because Lyra needed some time to start the fire. You know, so you can go and really save Octavia’s life—although you have to be careful in that, as there’s still smoke in the air. You get aggressive when you’re stoned, Derpy.”
“But…”
“Also, the Guards are coming in a few minutes, I’m sure.” Turner pointed at something behind both mares. When she turned around, Derpy could see a giant column of black smoke rising from the mansion’s direction.
“As I said, you need a giant signal in the sky if you want the Royal Guards to come here.”
Author's Note
Team Turner 5ever! (It means more than 4ever).
And damn, I feel kind of sorry for the guards. Nobody thought they had a ghost of a chance, right?
Also, shout-out to Carabas because his comments are pretty cool. And to Tarascha again, because that's the definition of loyalty (and for a crappy writer like myself, that's incredible).
Long Story Short, Things Went Down
Eighth Chapter: We Ended The Party
That house had been disappointingly easy to burn down. Lyra had expected at least some kind of resistance—it being Blueblood’s property and stuff. Sadly, that hadn’t been the case.
Truth is, the walls had refused to be taken by the flames at first. Lyra had seen a lot of fireproof spells during her life—if only because everything had to be fireproof around her—and Blueblood’s were choppy. Just throwing fire at the curtains nonstop for five straight minutes and punching the walls a little had been enough to counter it. Then again, that was Lyra’s usual course of action when she had to face a spell, but that was not important.
“Well, this is finally done,” said Carrot, standing by Lyra’s side and looking at the flames. She had two black eyes now, because at some point Lyra had gotten bored of throwing flames and had started a short (but intense) fight with Carrot. It had been a match, and then again with the “burning this shit down” business. Lyra liked those kinds of plans: they were simple, they were fun, and if she messed it up she wouldn’t be the only one going to jail.
“Yeah,” said Lyra, “this is sure a lot of smoke, huh?”
“Uh-huh.” Carrot nodded. “What do we do now?”
Lyra shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess we can get out of here. It would be a pretty good idea, in fact.”
“Why?”
“Because the Royal Guards are coming.”
Carrot Top frowned. “I thought we were starting this fire so they wouldn’t come after us?”
“Well,” Lyra said, “yes, we’re doing this to distract them. Because a house on fire is more important than discovering who hijacked the party right now. Also, the black smoke hides the drug pretty well.”
“Then why should we run away?”
Lyra sighed. “Because this fire was clearly started by somepony with magic.”
A pause. Carrot Top was still frowning. “And?” she finally asked, two minutes later.
“Well, they come here because they see a house on fire and a suspicious unicorn covered in bruises right next to the guards, who, by the way, are unconscious. Do the math.”
Lyra swore she could hear Carrot Top’s brain working as hard as it could. It almost smoked a little. The mare was squinting at the house, clearly trying to deduce the meaning behind Lyra’s words.
It went like that for ten minutes, until Carrot Top finally gave up. “I don’t get it.”
“They’ll think we started the fire.”
“Oh.” Carrot Top’s mouth created a perfect circle. Then she frowned again. “But we did start the fire, right?”
Lyra sighed again. “Yes, you idiot, we started the fire. But we don’t want them to know.”
“Why?”
“Because we’ll end up in—”
“Wait a minute! What did you call me?!”
They were punching each other again shortly three minutes later.
“Now, hold on a minute. I’m pretty sure we can calm down and solve this situation like responsible adults.”
The voice of reason that spoke in the middle of such cavalcade of madness was, of course, Fleur’s. Octavia gulped and looked at that mare. Would she dare to think there was some kind of salvation for her? Would everything be solved easily?
“Responsible adults my ass!” yelled Cheating Bastard. “Down with the killer!”
The crowd roared with him. “DOWN WITH HER! DOWN WITH HER! ”
Octavia bit her lip. “Are you sure we can’t talk about this? Maybe give me a chance to explain myself at least?”
“NO !”
Well, fuck diplomacy then, Octavia thought. It was funny, but she wasn’t exactly nervous. Maybe it was the fact that she’d had a lot of yoga training to control her nerves, or maybe it was the fact that she had a lot of drugs in her body, but she felt quite serene. Yeah, the house was on fire. Yeah, those ponies wanted to (apparently) kill her. Yeah, she had no way to escape, and she couldn’t run away, as she was being cornered and she already felt the cold glass of the window on her back. Bah. It could be worse.
“Something tells me that they don’t want to argue,” she whispered to Fleur. “Call it intuition if you want.”
“Yes, their faces gave it away a little.”
“DOWN WITH THE KILLER! DOWN WITH THE KILLER! ”
“The yelling also helps.”
It was getting harder to breathe. The black smoke was filling the room, and soon a couple of nobleponies couldn’t keep yelling and decided to start coughing instead. Octavia didn’t cough. Head up high, Fleur de Lis by her side, the mare stood her ground. “Thank you for your help, by the way,” she said. “It was nice.”
“You made this party the most exciting thing that’s happened to me in ages,” answered Fleur with a smile. “So yeah, you were nice too.”
“Oh.” The nobleponies were getting very close. Like, inches away. Octavia could see a couple hooves already in the air, ready to either push or hit, she wasn’t sure. Screams and coughs could be heard from everywhere, Cheating Bastard having the loudest ones.
Yes, better to look at the pretty mare instead. “You know,” she said during the last seconds of peace she would enjoy in that room, “if I get out of here alive I’ll invite you to the fanciest restaurant in town. What do you say?”
“I guess I’ll bring my fiancé?” Fleur said, cocking her head to the side.
“Whatever, I’m not jealous. Fancy Pants is very handsome anyway.”
Then two things happened at the same time.
First, Fleur de Lis chuckled seductively at Octavia’s words. It takes a lot of practice to chuckle seductively, and certainly that’s not a thing that appears on its own, so that was totally on purpose. That counted as scoring for Octavia.
Second, the nobleponies got very, very close and something hit Octavia on the back of her head. Then she heard a crash and fell to the ground, with a lot of pointy, cold things on her back and a big, warm thing on top of everything.
It hurt a lot. It also gave her a new perspective of life, as she realized that sometimes sex is not as important a mob of angry nobles that want to beat the life out of you.
Sometimes. I still scored, after all.
When Bon Bon finally got to the garden, she was panting, and that annoyed her. She really hated running now. She had to write down that in her Hate List when she got home later. At least finding the right way to the house had been easy: she just had to follow the trail of black smoke. Localizing burning houses was child’s play. Especially after living for two whole years with Lyra.
So she went to the garden. And what did she see there? Lyra and Carrot Top fighting. As in, punching each other and kicking each other and the like.
“I expect nothing of you and you still manage to disappoint me,” she said. “That’s just amazing. I’m seriously in awe here. What the bloody hell are you doing?! ”
None of them answered, keeping on with the punches and stuff instead. Bon Bon stopped by their side and glared at them.
“Hey, we have some job to do here!” she yelled.
Still no answer. Lyra and Carrot Top were too centered on trying to murder each other to listen to Bon Bon. So she did the only sensible thing she could do: she got back to the forest, got a stick, and poked them as hard as she could.
The first three pokes didn’t really work, but the fourth one got in Carrot’s eye, and she finally noticed Bon Bon, who by that time had a pissed-off aura so big it was almost visible. Then she tried to say something, but that left her guard down for more than three seconds, and Lyra took it as a chance to smack her in the jaw as hard as possible.
However, that turned out to be a good thing, as Carrot Top flew away a couple meters—teeth flying alongside her—and Lyra, panting, saw Bon Bon with her stick.
“Hey, Bon!” she said, smiling. “Thanks for the help! THAT’S ONE MORE VICTORY FOR ME, YOU IDIOT!” she yelled to Carrot. Then she turned to Bon again. “Why are you here?”
“Because you’re a fucking idiot, that’s why.” Bon rolled her eyes and turned around her head, looking for something in her mane. “There,” she said when she finally got it. “it’s my communicator.”
“I can see that.” Lyra raised an eyebrow at the device. “Two questions: why are you giving it to me, and why did you take it off?”
“I don’t know. Usually the answer would be something like, ‘I took this shit off because I had to give it to you,’ but as your clever, totally-not-stupid question reveals, there’s a hidden meaning behind my acts. You see, there’s this thing called ‘a plan’ and this other one called ‘a DJ screaming all the time’ and this last thing called ‘stop asking shit and put this thing on before I send everything to hell and go home’”.
“I think you got lost in the metaphor at some point.”
“You know, at this point I believe it would be a pretty huge surprise for you if I cared about that.”
Lyra nodded. “Yeah, pretty much.”
“So you’re saying that to piss me off, mostly.”
“Guilty as charged.”
“I hate you.”
“You know, I really enjoyed kicking your face before.” Lyra smiled. “Maybe I should do that more often?”
Bon Bon frowned. “Carrot,” she said without looking away from Lyra, “don’t even think about tackling Lyra while we’re talking.”
“What?” Carrot Top, who had been approaching them from the side as quietly as possible, looked at Bon Bon with puppy eyes. “But she hit me!”
“I don’t care. You can hit her when we’re home,” Bon Bon said. “Now, Lyra, put this thing on.”
“But why?”
“Because, as I totally didn’t say a couple minutes ago—after all, you’re a very intelligent mare and you wouldn’t forget such an important information, although every single pony in existence thinks you’re an idiot—Vinyl Scratch is yelling like a madmare, and it’s your fault.” She paused for a second. “Well, yours and Turner’s. The thing is that she wants to talk with you.”
“Oh?” Lyra frowned. “And why should I talk with her?”
Bon Bon blinked and stared at her for a couple seconds. “She said you’re a pussy and she’s tougher than you,” she finally said.
Lyra said nothing. She just frowned a little, looked at the communicator, cocked her head to the side, took the device and put it on her ear. “Hey,” she said, “you have three seconds to save your life.”
Bon Bon didn’t understand Vinyl’s answer, but she could hear that she was yelling.
Then, one of the weirdest things Bon Bon had ever seen happened right in front of her eyes.
At first, Lyra was clearly angry. She yelled a couple of insults and put in doubt Vinyl’s whole family’s reputation, implying that they had had sexual relationships with a great variety of devices, animals, and chemical elements.
Then, Vinyl answered.
And Lyra’s eyes got colder. Like, ice-cold. She said something else so quietly than Bon Bon couldn’t understand it.
And then Lyra flinched .
Vinyl was still yelling, and Bon Bon could hear her muffled voice screaming something very long and very elaborate. Lyra’s eyes got a little less colder.
That went on for some minutes. Then, Lyra gulped, and frowned. She was sweating. Vinyl was still yelling.
Bon Bon approached Lyra. “Okay,” she said. “So… what is going on?”
Lyra just gulped again.
“Huh.” Bon Bon nodded. “Well, Turner said that helping Octavia might calm Vinyl down a little. Do you want to help me now?”
Lyra nodded.
“Good. Go grab that statue then. Topsie, come with us. You can tackle Lyra now.”
Tumph!
Apparently, the forceful kiss to Turner’s cutie mark hadn’t eliminated all of the drugs in Derpy’s body. Or at least that’s what she wanted to think. The alternative was that she couldn’t control herself very well when she was flying at top speed.
After all, crashing into the building she was heading for was a beginner’s mistake, and Derpy had too many hours of flight in her record to allow herself such a thing. The fact that she had crashed into the window did nothing but add salt to the injury.
The window exploded against Derpy’s body, and she saw herself falling into the room and hitting somepony while doing so. If she thought her head was hurting before, then she was wrong. Now it was.
Glass everywhere—Derpy felt her entire body covered in bruises. It hurt a little, but all in all the harm had been far smaller than what could have happened. She had broken a window after all…
Oh? Something had acted as a cushion and stopped her fall, she noticed. Shaking her head to clear up her mind, Derpy looked at the room she was in, and…
Silence.
“Oopsie.”
The first thing she saw was a lot of nobleponies looking at her with a mixture of confusion, surprise and… Was that anger? Weird.
The second thing she saw was a room filled with smoke. It was hard to breathe in there. We need to get away from here as soon as possible. She knew very little about fires, but standing on the second floor of a burning mansion didn’t sound very safe.
The third thing she saw was her cushion. Which wasn’t a cushion at all—it was a pony. More specifically, it was Octavia.
Who, of course, was unconscious.
“Tavi!” Jumping to the side so she would stop crushing her friend against the floor, Derpy took Octavia and turned her around. She also had a couple bruises, but she didn’t look so bad. “Oh, buggers! Did I do this?!”
Silence.
“Um. Yes.” Derpy turned around to see who was talking: a white unicorn mare. The most beautiful mare Derpy had ever seen, by the way. “You kinda tackled her from the window.”
“Crap.” Derpy turned around to the crowd of nobleponies. “Look, I—”
“SHE’S ALSO A FRIEND OF CARROT TOP!” A sudden scream broke down the silence the room had been submerged into all this time. The white stallion looked horrible, with both his eyes looking reddish and his mouth twisting in a weird way. “OH MY FUCKING CELESTIA, CARROT TOP BROUGHT ALL OF HER FRIENDS HERE! WE ARE GOING TO DIE!”
Derpy’s ears went down on their own as she retreated a few steps. The atmosphere in the room had turned from anger mixed with confusion to anger mixed with rage. And as they were thirty and Derpy was only one—plus an unconscious Octavia—the odds weren’t in her favor.
As the group advanced towards her, Derpy looked at their faces, unable to think what to do…
And then she saw the one who had screamed on the first place. It was him .
“YOU!” The fear went away instantly and her ears went up. Derpy opened her wings subconsciously, and flew to the face of the stallion she was yelling at. “You fucking asshole !” she said, inches apart from his face. “Everything is your fault! Everything !”
Apparently, Cheating Bastard hadn’t expected such a reaction from Derpy. He flinched visibly and tried to walk away from her. “Tried” is the key word in that sentence, as the pegasus grabbed him by the neck of his shirt and pressed her nose to his. At this gesture, the white stallion raised his eyebrows, offended. He opened his mouth to say something, but Derpy interrupted him.
“Oh no, you better shut the fuck up!” She used her left eye to look him right in the pupil—the right one was looking at the ceiling. The lamps in that house were pretty nice. “Do you realize just how much trouble we’ve been through just because you were unable to control your own dick ?!”
“I-I did no…!” Cheating Bastard shook his head and pushed Derpy away. “What are you talking about, you murderer?!”
Derpy showed her teeth. Judging by the way she sounded like a troll murdering a village made of puppies, she was pretty sure she still had drugs in her system. “I’m talking about you being a cheating son of a bitch!” she said.
“Actually, his last name is ‘Bastard’,” pointed out a stallion in the crowd. Derpy frowned at him and he jumped in fear.
“I’m not talking about that,” she whispered. “I’m talking about the fact that he cheated on his fiancée with his secretary . And then he started the fire. Long story.”
And with those words, the general feeling of the room changed completely. Nopony would believe there was going to be something similar to a murder a couple minutes ago judging by what was in there now.
Even though that new mare that had entered the room through the window didn’t know this, she had said the magic words. A lot of things could be said about Canterlot nobility: they were stupid, they were egotistic, they were more of a hive mind than the changelings. But there was one thing, the big thing , which defined them all: they were, deep inside of their hearts, gossipers.
The greatest gossipers that have ever existed.
They lived, ate, died, and breathed for gossip. They knew everything one could know about everypony who was important, and a lot of things from ponies who weren’t exactly in the spotlight; who was pregnant, who had asked somepony else to marry him, who had suffered a nasty break-up, and, of course, who had been cheating his other half with a lover. Those were the best ones.
So, when the pegasus said the magic words, every single noblepony in the room forgot everything about what had happened until right then, closed their mouths, and sharpened their ears. The smallest bit of information would be valuable later. Cheating Bastard, a cheater? Oh, and he looked like such a nice gentlecolt!
Cheating Bastard himself was, on top of everything, a noblepony. So when he heard what Derpy had said, he knew his reputation was in danger, and he got afraid. “Y-you don’t know what you’re talking about!”
“The hell I don’t!” Derpy answered. “Carrot Top saw you cheating on her and came here to take revenge on you! Why else do you think all of this has happened?!”
“Lies! I have nothing to do with—!”
“You have EVERYTHING to do with this!” Derpy squinted while saying this. “If the party’s been destroyed, it is because of you !”
The nobleponies found a dilemma here. There was no way to know if Derpy was saying the truth. What to choose? Trust the stallion you’ve always known or trust this weird gray pegasus that can’t talk with a normal voice?
What an easy choice.
Believing Cheating Bastard had been a naughty boy was by far juicier. And they liked juicy rumors.
So, Cheating Bastard was the reason why they had been attacked.
Quod Erat Demonstrandum.
The change in the room’s mood was so noticeable that Cheating Bastard started sweating. Derpy wasn’t the only one looking at him with angry eyes now. “You’re gonna believe her?” he said. “I’m Lord Cheating Bastard, I deserve more respect than this!”
Then, Fleur de Lis talked. “I think she’s saying the truth,” she said. “You are a cheater.”
“But I didn’t cause anything else! I didn’t attack the par—”
“AH-HAH!”
Boom . He had admitted it.
Some ponies gasped, some faked a faint, some just shook their heads in disapproval. And some muttered “yes”, because a gossip is always good, but a gossip that turns out to be true is even better.
“So you did cheat on her!” Derpy yelled. “I knew it! You fucking bastard !”
“The Bastard House is one of the oldest, most-respected families in Canterlot, and I won’t allow such misdem—”
“She is my friend, and I’ve been forced to lick Turner’s cutie mark, with Bon Bon watching, without him licking mine back , because of you!”
Silence.
“In all honestly, I fail to see the connect—”
“YOU’RE A GIANT SACK OF TURDS!”
The scene was interesting, that couldn’t be denied, but the nobleponies didn’t mind when it got interrupted.
Because then everything got way better .
Tunk!
“Okay,” said the figure on the window, “everypony out! My friends say this is dangerous, and apparently that’s enough for you to get out, because…”
The words died in the mare’s mouth when she saw who was in the room. Her eyes got colder and her pupils got smaller.
“Cheating Bastard,” she said, with that voice.
Lord Bastard saw her. And his pupils got way bigger.
“C-Carrot Top?” he muttered.
Even though the sounds from the mansion were almost inaudible, Turner could hear everything loud that happened in the forest. And that was a good thing; as the Royal Guards were running in looking for a fire, being silent wasn’t one of their priorities. Turner yelled at top of his lungs right when he heard galloping and screams from the armored ponies. As a result, he was localized in a few moments.
A couple stallions, both of them white and wearing that distinctive golden armor, appeared right in front of them. As the initial shock faded away, both listened to Turner’s story.
And boy, it was a long story.
“…And that’s how I disabled the terrorists’ bomb and saved the day with the help of our friends,” he said after fifteen minutes of telling what he thought was his literary masterpiece. “That also explains why am I here, wounded, and why the house is on fire.” He topped the whole lie with a bright smile. “Any questions?”
The two guards stood there in silence for a couple seconds, until the one on the left finally talked. “You’re telling us,” he said, “that a group of ponies of all three races—”
“Equally formed by unicorns, earth ponies, and pegasi,” Turner interrupted. “Anything else is pretty racist.”
“Uh, yeah. So you say a very politically correct group of terrorists that had no discernible goal—”
“Yeah, I think they just wanted to kill a lot of ponies for absolutely no reason whatsoever,” Turner said. “That’s what terrorist do. Also, they were ninjas, don’t forget that. So technically, that’s what ninja terrorists do.”
“Yes. That’s what ninja terrorists do,” said the other guard with a monotone voice.
“Uh-huh. So, that mysterious group of ninja terrorists tried to kill everypony in here but you and your friends, who just happened to be here—”
“We were going to read fairy tales to ill foals.”
“—you just happened to be here because you’re all wonderful ponies, and then you saved everypony even though they think you’re the bad guys.”
“Exactly.” Turner nodded. “Because the evil ninjas used that white smoke.”
“That magical white smoke that causes hallucinations.”
“Yes.”
“A white smoke that the terrorist had with them for some reason.”
“Yeees.”
“Even though they already had a bomb and were also ninjas, so nopony could have ever seen them and they didn’t need the smoke.”
“They were very prepared,” Turner added.
“So you fought the evil ninja terrorists that were also very politically correct and nopony saw you doing so and everypony else thinks you’re the bad guys.”
“Yes.”
“And the only one who says you’re the good guys is you.”
“Me and my friends.”
“You and your friends. Who went to read fairy tales to the ill foals in the hospital.”
“The vast majority of them are also orphans. I forgot to mention that.”
“And you’re the only witnesses of that evil and unknown-plus-totally-impossible-to-identify group of ninja terrorists.”
“Exactly.”
“Why did you fight those ponies again?”
“Because we have a very kind heart and can’t live with the idea of others suffering.”
“Aha.”
Absolute silence. The Royal Guards stared down Turner. He returned the look with a bright smile.
Then the Guard turned to his companion. “We’re dealing with a very dangerous elite group, that are obviously planning something too big for us to handle on our own,” he said with a grave tone. “Red alert, code twenty-two. Go and tell the rest.” He frowned. “If anypony here sees a ninja, get him ! But be careful. One of them is easily worth five of our better soldiers.”
The other Royal Guard nodded and ran away to the mansion. Once he had been gone, the first Guard turned to Turner and saluted him. “You’re a hero and an example to us all, mister,” he said. “And for that, I salute you. I will recommend you for the Celestial Medal of Honor.” He lowered his hoof and picked up Turner effortlessly, then started walking to the mansion with him on his back. “I would be very honored if you gifted me with your autograph later, mister,” he added in a more casual tone.
“Oh,” Turner said, still smiling. “But of course.”
Octavia woke up with a soft whimper and something surprisingly similar to a purr, because when you’re that sexy you can’t even regain consciousness without doing it sensually. Being hot is serious business. Although she was sure she could have done it better if it wasn’t for her headache. She fluttered her eyes a couple times before finally opening them, getting up with the help of somepony’s hoof and actually looking around her.
First thing she saw: she wasn’t in that room anymore. She was outside, in the front garden of Blueblood’s house, which was still burning. The second thing she noticed was that there were a lot of ponies around her, but only three or four were actual nobleponies. The rest were mostly Royal Guards, with their golden armor and their identical faces.
And then, there were her friends, Derpy being the one helping her getting up. All of them were there but Vinyl and Carrot Top. Wait, do I still count Scratch as a friend? Scratch that.
Anyway, it wasn’t the time to think about such things. “Uuugh,” she said. “I’m a little afraid to ask, but what’s happening?”
“Your friend defeated the ninja leader, ma’am,” answered one of the Royal Guards. “You’re safe.”
“The ninja lead—?”
“The bad guy,” interrupted Turner. “You know, the one who did all this? Big, scary stallion? Red eyes? A scar in the shape of a dragon and a tattoo that also has the shape of a dragon?”
Octavia blinked. “Eeeeeeh…”
“Yeah, you know him.” Turner looked at one of the Guards. “She’s still confused, you know. Too much smoke.”
“Of course, of course.” The Royal Guard nodded. “You’re safe now, ma’am, and that’s all you need to know.”
Octavia cocked her head to the side, but Turner gave her a weird look, so she decided to shut up. Better not ask.
“Are you okay, Tavi?” asked Derpy. “Does it hurt?”
“My head is positively killing me, dear, but apart from that…”
“Welcome to the bloody club,” muttered Bon Bon. “I would be surprised if one of us didn’t have a headache by now.”
“It’s been a long night,” nodded Lyra. “Even I am tired.” She spat on the ground. “And if you think you’ve got a headache, try to move that fucking thing after using all your magic twice.” She pointed at the house. “Then you can talk about headaches.”
Octavia looked at the point Lyra was referring to, and saw the giant statue of Pholopotodolphin resting against the side of the house. The head of the dolphin was just at the second floor’s level.
“What the—?”
“Lyra moved the statue,” answered Derpy, “and used it as a ladder to get all of you out of that room. And I, uh…” She looked at the ground, embarrassed, “kinda sorta knocked you out by accident.” She looked at her and smiled. “Sorry?”
Octavia raised an eyebrow as a reply. “You accidentally knocked me out?”
“White smoke, ninjas, wolves, long story,” interrupted Turner. “Um, there were wolves too. I forgot to mention that. Now, do you mind leaving us alone, please?” he said, looking at the crowd of Guards and nobleponies. “We, uh, need some privacy.”
“Where’s Carrot Top?” asked Octavia once everypony had obeyed Turner and the gang was left alone. “And what’s that crap about the ninjas?”
“Something Turner made up to cover us,” said Bon Bon. “As for Carrot Top, she found Cheating Bastard on the second floor.”
Silence.
“So she’s still in the house, beating him up?”
“Yeah.”
“But the house is still on fire.”
“She came out not so long ago and asked for a baseball bat.”
“Do we have a baseball bat?”
“No. Can’t you see that the Pholotodolphin is now incomplete?”
Octavia frowned and looked at the statue. “I thought it was just censored.”
“Nope. That thing was anatomically correct until Carrot thought that she wanted help with her ex-boyfriend.”
“The fire is the least dangerous thing in there right now, I see.”
“Anyway,” Derpy said, “I think I also have a headache right now, so—”
“No shit, your head hurts? Oh, that has to be so terrible I can’t even think about how—”
“Really, Bon.” Lyra sighed and massaged her forehead with her hoof. “For the last time: shut up.”
“So, as I was saying,” Derpy continued, “let’s do this as fast as possible, okay?”
“Do what?” asked Octavia.
“Put an end to your drama,” answered Turner. “Look, you know that Lyra couldn’t use magic without suffering a lot of pain when she moved the statue to the window so you could escape, right?”
“Tell me about it.” Lyra scolded. “You know what? Screw this, I’m outta here. I think somepony called an ambulance, so I’m gonna look for the medics.” She smirked. “I need a couple stitches here and there. See ya later, losers.”
“I’m with her,” muttered Bon Bon once Lyra turned around and walked away. “I guess we’ll meet at the bar after this. See you there?”
“Why not? I’m too exhausted to sleep,” said Derpy. “Ciao.”
“Bye.”
As the second mare went away, silence fell onto the three ponies that were left. Turner looked horrible, covered in bruises and with blood on his forehead. Derpy looked tired and her eyes were red due to the smoke, and Octavia’s head was throbbing. A couple minutes passed until somepony finally talked again.
“So,” Octavia said, “what’s next?”
“Well,” Derpy said, “you know, as we said before, Lyra had a lot of trouble moving that statue…”
“Yes.”
“And as you know,” said Turner, “Lyra is not the kind of mare who sacrifices herself for the sake of the others. We had to convince her.”
“What?” Octavia shook her head and chuckled. “What are you talking about? You convinced her? You reasoned with Lyra ?”
“We didn’t talk with her,” Turner said. “Vinyl did.”
Octavia’s left ear twitched. “Vinyl?”
“Vinyl Scratch herself,” Turner said. “You see, she realized the house was on fire and you were still in there, and I made a joke about us leaving you behind.” With a smirk, he took something from his ear and showed it to Octavia. It was a communicator. “So she started insulting me. And then she insulted Lyra until she offered her help. She thinks you’re still in danger, so she should be still going on. It’s only been like half an hour anyway.”
Gulping, Octavia took Turner’s communicator and put it on her ear.
At the other side, Vinyl was screaming with a sore voice, visibly tired. She was talking about what she was going to do with Turner, Bon Bon, Lyra, Bon Bon, Derpy, Carrot Top, and Bon Bon if they didn’t move their, quoting here, “fucking fat asses” and helped Octavia out of that house.
She was very explicit, and very loud. She talked about burning things, throwing rocks at very sensitive points of the pony body, breaking bones, and a surprisingly long list of things that she was going to shove up their rears by hoof. Then she went on with a nausea-inducing talk about needles, eyes, lemons, salt, copper, glass, saliva, vomit, pigs, and the wonderful and amazing rainbow of pain she was going to induce into her best friends if Octavia got a single hair of her head burned.
Octavia’s head was hurting like hell, but she listened to her friend’s voice until the end. She had seduced poets, writers and musicians before. Thirty-nine different ponies, one griffon, two donkeys and at least four minotaurs had proposed to her before, and all of them had tried to be as touching, passionate, sincere and amusing as possible.
Yet that neverending trail of horrible insults was, by far, the most beautiful thing she’d ever heard.
Author's Note
D'aaaaw.
Try to comment here too, don't go to the epilogue yet!
Shout-out to Blood Brandy and to Bold Promise because there's nothing better than a comment that analyzes your characters.
Long Story Short, Things Went Down
Epilogue: And That's What Happened
“…And that’s mostly it,” Derpy said. “We told the Royal Guards that Cheating Bastard was part of the ninja clan to justify your…” She coughed. “Let’s call that ‘beating’, okay?”
“So he’s probably being interrogated at this very moment,” Turner said. “I’m still amazed by the fact that he was still conscious when you left him.”
“I taught her a couple of tricks before she got up the statue,” Lyra explained. “It’s all about balance, you see? You don’t want them to pass out when you’re having fun.”
“Huh.” Carrot Top frowned. “Well, that was quite the story. We’re lucky we didn’t end up going to jail. Or to the hospital.”
“Yeah, it was.” Vinyl took off her glasses. “Although, Tavi?” She looked at her with emotionless eyes. “I didn’t know you had been flirting with Fleur de Lis.”
“Well, a little bit of fun never hurt anypony,” Octavia said. “I actually saw her one last time before getting out of that place.”
“You did?” asked Turner.
“Yeah.” Octavia winked at him. “We’re going out next Wednesday. I believe it’s gonna be quite the afternoon. Fancy Pants is coming too. Their place. ”
Derpy caught the image of Vinyl making a very weird face after hearing this with the corner of her eye, but when she turned to her, the DJ had the glasses on again and she was smiling as brightly as ever. “Well then,” Vinyl said, a little louder than needed, “in the end everything turned pretty much okay, right? Turner’s gonna get a medal, Cheating Bastard is in the hospital, and Octavia has a date.”
“And I stabbed a guy,” added Lyra.
“And Lyra stabbed a guy,” repeated Vinyl. “All in all, it’s been good.”
A couple minutes of silence.
“Turner?” Octavia looked at him. “What did you tell Derpy when Vinyl yelled at you? You never told us.”
“I’ll tell you if you tell me how you got the drug out of Derpy’s body.”
Derpy and Vinyl shook her head. “Never.”
“Well then, you might never know.” Turner winked back. “I was just making a safe bet. Which reminds me…” He looked at Derpy. “Don’t we have an agreement, ladies?”
“The day after tomorrow you two come to my place,” said Octavia with a smile. “At eight or something. Cool?”
“Cool.”
“If we have no other option…”
“We could go out the same night,” said Carrot, looking at Bon Bon, Lyra, and Vinyl. “I don’t have any coltfriend now, so I’m free to do whatever I want after all.”
“Sounds exciting,” said Bon Bon with a disgusted face. “I can’t fucking wait.”
“We’ll talk about this tomorrow,” said Vinyl. Then she frowned. “Carrot? Did you actually talk with Bastard or did you just punch him in the nuts again and again?”
“We talked,” Carrot said. “He said he was sorry. Then I got started.”
“So he apologized?” asked Derpy. “Well, at least he tried to be kind.”
“He said that he just wanted to change positions in bed,” continued Carrot. “He said I was too much of a brute and that I was always the one controlling our sex life. What an asshole.”
Derpy frowned at her friend, confused. Around her, she could see the entire gang doing the same.
Then Bon Bon and Turner snickered. “Yeah. That’s Carrot Top for you,” Turner said.
“We should have seen this coming,” Bon Bon agreed.
The bar’s walls shook with everypony’s laughs shortly after.
Then Carrot Top remembered that Turner had put tracking devices in their food, and once Vinyl explained what that meant, she tried to break his legs. Derpy tried to protect him, but accidentally hit Octavia in the face while doing so. Vinyl started yelling at her, Bon Bon insulted everypony, and then Lyra decided to join the party.
They all ended up at the hospital that night, after all.
But at least they made sure to ask the nurses for their rooms to be as close as possible.
Author's Note
Seriously, I had to finish this fic with my worst/best pun. There was no other way. I wonder how many people will get it?
I'll write a sequel sooner or later. There are things that hadn't been explained, after all. Also, Lyra was a best mare in the Royal Wedding, and then she got attacked by the changelings. I'm 100% sure that I'm not the only one who wants to see how this Lyra would react.
Also, where the hell was Blueblood during the events of this fic?
Long Story Short, Things Went Down
Prologue: Tell Me What Happened
It had been a very long night.
Seven ponies were sitting at a table in their favorite pub, a dark place with just four tables and one old and grumpy bartender, reflecting on what had just happened. Nopony had ordered any drinks but they had been at the table so many times that the barkeeper didn’t mind; he knew they would order something, eventually. For the time being, it was clear that they only wanted rest.
“You know... with all the things that have happened tonight, I still don’t know why you were there,” Carrot Top said, struggling against the words. Her tongue still felt bigger than it should. Blame that stupid smoke , she thought. “I mean... what were you doing? How did you know I was there?”
Nopony answered. The mare looked around, examining her friends’ faces, one by one. Octavia had leaves and ashes on her mane, Time Turner had blood all over the face, Lyra had a black eye, Bon Bon seemed pissed off, Derpy looked like if she was hungover... The only one who looked okay was Vinyl, who was grinning at Carrot.
Carrot Top looked at her own hooves. They had a little bit of blood on them, and her head felt so fuzzy...
“You okay, Top?” Vinyl asked, smirking a little. “You seem a little tipsy.”
“I think I am,” Carrot said. “Or maybe I’m not. I mean, everything is blurry and stuff.”
“Hmm.” Vinyl licked her lips. “Well, Derpy could try to kiss you. A good ol’ tongue wrestling would do wonders to you, don’t you think?”
Turner raised an eyebrow and turned to Vinyl. “What?”
Octavia raised a hoof in the air. “I approve the idea of Carrot and Derpy making out.”
“Uh, yeah, of course.” Turner nodded. “I approve of it too. What a shame I didn’t bring my camera with me.”
“Shut up, you two!” Derpy looked at them with a frown and a very bright blush on her face. “I had to do that, okay? There was no other option!”
“Well, maybe there’s no other option now,” Turner said. “Also, what?”
“Doc!”
The entire table flinched after Derpy’s yell. Even the pegasus herself seemed to cringe in pain mere seconds after screaming that word.
“Ugh. Good idea,” said Bon Bon. “Do that again; talk as loudly as possible. It’s not like you’ve annoyed me enough tonight, right Derpy? Yeah, why have you stopped screaming? It’s so good for our ears. Like music from the heavens, really. In fact—”
“For crying out loud, shut the hell up.” Lyra raised a hoof and closed Bon Bon’s mouth. She looked offended, but Lyra just rolled her eyes. “I have a headache, and your chitty chat is driving me nuts.”
“I second that motion,” muttered Octavia.
“Yeah.” Carrot nodded. “And you haven’t answered my question. How did you know I was at Blueblood’s?”
Everypony suddenly found that their hooves and the ceiling were very interesting. Silence fell upon the table, and Carrot Top just waited.
“You know, I think I may go home right now,” Turner said. “After all, it’s been a long night, and...”
“Answer my question.”
Everypony cringed again after hearing Carrot’s voice. Then, Derpy reluctantly tapped Carrot’s hoof and sighed. “It’s been a very long night, right?”
Top just looked at her.
“Yeah.” Derpy sighed again. “You know, you’re going to be angry after this, okay? But don’t do anything. Tomorrow, we all will do something about it, and I’m sure you will be the most active, but right now we don’t have the energy to endure this. Also, you might kill Doc.”
Silence. Carrot Top nodded slowly. Time Turner was sweating profusely.
“We found your note,” Derpy said, “and we knew that after discovering that , you would go and beat your coltfriend... well, ex-coltfriend now, I guess? You would beat his brains out with a baseball bat. We had to stop you.”
“That explains why you were there,” Carrot said, “but how did you know...?”
“Boy, here comes the bomb,” whispered Vinyl. “Carrot, try not to explode, okay?”
“What...?”
“I’m awfully sorry, I’ve said so countless times!” Turner bit his lip. “Please, help me with this!”
“Yeah, sure.” Bon Bon rolled her eyes. “You get what you deserve, you idiot.”
“Can somepony please tell me...?”
“Doc put tracking devices in our food,” interrupted Derpy, pointing at Turner. “He knows where we are all the time. All the time .”
Silence.
“As I said, we’ll take care of this later,” Derpy continued. “Now, after discovering this, we knew where you were, and as we also knew that Blueblood was having a party, there was no way we couldn’t go and ‘rescue’ you. If you hit a noblepony while surrounded by nobleponies, you can’t expect anything less than a lifetime in jail, dear.
“So we hit the road as fast as we could...”
