Too Many: Pinkie's Claims of Relation
“So Pinkie, I heard you couldn’t find out if you were actually related to Applejack, but maybe you could look at some of these other scrolls, they contain all the genealogy of all the ponies any of us have ever met,” Twilight suggested.
“Do you have one of your genies logics?” Pinkie asked.
Ignoring the profoundly stupid way Pinkie asked the question Twilight replied, “No I destroyed all records of my lineage since I became a Princess so no pony can crawl to me for money.”
“Oh, I’ll take this one!” Pinkie burst out as she took the scroll twilight was holding.
“Hey!” Twilight objected, but by the time she tried to take the scroll back Pinkie already read half of it.
“Pinkie, how do you read so fast?”
“The paper is Inky, my eyes aren’t Blinky, and I’m Pinkie!” she replied punily, but when she saw the confused look on Twilight’s face she explained, “Get it because I’m reading about family and I explained my reading with the names of my family!”
“Pinkie, I don’t need this right now, I’m trying to figure out the other Royal lineage.”
“Oh, oh, oh, me!” Pinkie screamed, jumping up and down in Twilight’s face.
“Pinkie, I’m serious.”
“Ooo, me too! I’m Celestia’s student’s baby sitter’s cousin’s mother’s sister’s son’s third cousin’s fourth uncle’s grandmother’s brother’s great niece’s daughter!”
Twilight just sat looking bewildered at Pinkie.
“Which means I’m your sister-in-law’s cousin’s mother’s sister’s son’s third cousin’s fourth uncle’s grandmother’s brother’s great niece’s daughter, we’re related, isn't that exciting?”
“Pinkie, I graduated from being personal student of the ruler of this land, a library owner...”
Rainbow Dash interrupted, “Don’t forget egghead.”
“Coming from the filly with the Daring Do hat on,” Twilight responded.
“You’re just jealous ‘cause you weren’t in the book.”
“What does that have to do with anything?” Twilight exasperated.
“Jealous.”
“Anyway Pinkie I’m one of the smarted ponies around and I have no idea what you just said.”
“Watchout Twi they might take you nerd licence,” Rainbow teased.
“Shots fired,” a pony said from the magazine section.
“Who even are you?” Twilight asked
“I’m Dust Pan, the janitor.”
“Why are you here?”
“I was fixin’ the turlet.”
“Are you done?”
“Nope,” Dust replied as he licked his hoof and turned the page.
“So Twilight, now that we’re family we should have a party,” Pinkie said, for once returning a derailed conversation to the tracks instead of bucking it thousands of miles and down a cliff.
“Pinkie we’re not related.”
“But the scroll said…”
“No.”
“But it…”
“No.”
“But…”
“NO!”
“B…”
“NO!”
“Gees Twilight you gonna fight or something?” Rainbow Dash called from stairs.
Twilight picked up a book with her aura and pinkie started to hopping between her hooves. From the loft Spike announced, “Ready…”
“FIGHT!”
Twilight began hitting pinkie with her book, but once Pinkie cartwheeled and knocked her down, Twilight decided to fight from afar, shooting spell and laying traps with her book. Due to her Pinkie sense though, Twilight’s adversary had no problem doging everything. However, once Twilight began teleporting around and throwing paper about, Pinkie quickly lost the edge, and soon the round.
“Guess I can get back to my studies now,” Twilight teased.
“Round two,” Spike said, and after a second, “FIGHT!”
Pinkie broke out her party cannon, and shot a present at Twilight, it hit her head, but that didn’t compare to Pinkie jumping out of said present and hitting Twilight.
“Hold that thought,” Pinkie said before appearing behind twilight and beating her down with a foam hand.
When Twilight was K.O. from that Pinkie said, “Oh boy the screen says I won!”
“Tied one and one the two combatants enter round three,” Spike announced.
It wasn’t much of a round, pinkie jumped into the air and blasted Twilight’s face with pies before landing and becoming Pinkamena and hugging her until she couldn’t fight anymore.
Twilight’s dreams were not good. As she slept the letters C and D kept flying through her mind, over and over. Except for that one where the slender pony got her, that happened pretty often too. She’d wake up in terror, but since Pinkie put her in a coma that wasn't an option.
Fighting is Magic, one minute it’s all fun and games, next you’re a fugitive for attempted assassination of a Princess. Either way Pinkie didn’t care, she headed up to see the pony she just discovered was her relative: Princess Cadence.
“So how exactly are we related?” was the first question Cadence asked when Pinkie approached her.
After her long winded explanation, Cadence repeated her question, to be replied with the same answer.
“I still don’t get it,” Candence admitted.
“Plus we’re both pink!” Pinkie added.
“She’s got a point,” Shining Armor added.
Cadence whispered into his ear, “That means she’s related to you too.”
“Er, I guess there are a lot of pink ponies,” Shining nervously corrected himself.
“So is that what you’re here for?”
“No, I’m also here because I put Twilight in a coma and they have searches for me in Equestria daily,” Pinkie replied, snickering at the end.
“You put Twily in a coma?” Shining Armor shouted.
Pinkie smiled, “I also put Rainbow Dash in Cupcakes!”
Pinkie frowned, “That wasn’t a good comic strip…”
She cheered up again, “But you should read my scrap books about how I’m related to the Apple Family.”
Cadence asked slowly, “Pinkie are you related to everypony?”
“Probably!” Pinkie replied, “My family rocks!”
“If you don’t know who your family is how do you know they rock?”
“Because they work on a,” Pinkie put on sunglasses, “Rock farm.”
Back in Ponyville, Twilight, awakening from her coma, shouted, “PINKIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”
The End.
“Oh I see how it is,” Rarity yelled, “I work for a week helping my good friend Coco Pommel in Manehattan coordinate costumes for a play, and the moment Pinkie Pie starts being silly everyone forgets all about what I’m doing and focuses on her. I’m sorry, I forgot no matter how many fashion weeks I win, no matter how big a splash I make in Canterlot, no matter how impressed top designers are impressed with me, no matter how many magazines simply rave about me, no matter how many pop stars come to me for assistance, and no matter how many times I save this ungrateful population I STILL fade into ambiguity!”
Dusty Pan walks up behind her, “I know a thing or two about ambiguity.”
Rarity looked at him, “Pardon me, I don’t think we’ve met.”
“I’m Dust Pan, the janitor.”
“You think you know ambiguity?” Twilight asked, “Now this is the story all about how my life got flip-turned upside down. I’d like to take a minute just sittin’ right, I’ll tell you how I became the Princess of Ponyville.”
“Again with the bursting out in song,” Rainbow called out.
“Rainbow we’re outside the fourth wall, in another dimension, can you just let it go?”
“Never” Rainbow hissed.
“Um, I know a thing or two about hissing being part bat and all, and I don’t think that was hissing, if that’s okay with you,” Fluttershy added.
“Fluttershy, you’re not a bat anymore, I cast a spell reversing that,” Twilight said.
“You messed that up, like usual.”
The Doctor and adult Scootaloo jumped out of the materializing TARDIS.
“Quickly, back through the fourth wall, you’re dialogue after the end of the story is going to throw the entire universe into oblivion!” the Doctor shouted.
“Listen to him, I’ve seen the universe destroyed before, it’s awful!” adult Scootaloo added.
“Oh, me, can you fly yet?” filly Scootaloo asked bursting through the fourth wall.
“No one will be able to fly if the universe is destroyed,” she replied, dodging the question.
“Gees Doctor if you can travel through time, just make it so Pinkie never said the end,” Twilight ordered.
And thus the universe was saved because the Doctor struck Pinkie’s 'The End' from the record, and he returned to his search for Gallihay. We now return you to your normally scheduled whatcha call it.
“Wait, where’s Applejack?” Twilight asked, “She’s the expert on families, she need to weigh in.”
“I think she’s at the farm with that weird vulgar version of herself,” Rainbow replied.
“Uh, Pinkie, dear, it looks like these lines are blotted out again, are you sure you’re related to Cadence?” Rarity asked.
“Of course!” Pinkie said, now in the outside the room, “My relationship with everyone is blurred lines!”
“Pinkie, I don’t even know who to respond to that,” Twilight said.
“Then don’t, you can always just drop a conversation, sometimes even mid sente
