The Secret of Pieby CesarChaptersChapter 1Bonus - Chapter 1.21Chapter 2Chapter 3Chapter 1CRASH! Twilight jolted out of bed, galloping out of her bedroom as fast as she could. What in Equestria was that? She wondered as she careened down the stairs. Did Rainbow Dash crash into the library again? No, I had Shiny set up that invisible shield after last time. What could have- Twilight reached the bottom of the stairs and froze. The library was a disaster. Books were strewn right and left, some stacked up in large heaps, others just lying on the ground. Not a single book had stayed on the shelves. She let out a small groan. Great. Just great! Now I’ll have to reorganize everything! How did this even happen? As if in answer, one of the piles of books shifted, and a bright pink head and mane popped out. “Hi Twilight! Sorry about the mess! This book I needed was reeeeally high up, so I had to make a book ladder to reach it!” Of course it was Pinkie. Twilight thought as she facehooved. “Pinkie, what have I told you about messing up the library?” she said, looking sternly down at Pinkie. “Oh, I know!” Pinkie made a silly face that looked vaguely like the one Twilight currently had, and said, in a voice that sounded a bit like Twilight, “You said ‘Pinkie, if you need a book, just ask either me or spike. Don’t tear the place up when I’ve already got an organizational system in place. After all, I am the Princess of Organizational Systems! Now organize!” “I don’t sound like that!” “Okay, maybe I made up the last part, but still!” Pinkie playfully stuck her tongue out at Twilight. Twilight rolled her eyes again. “Well, why didn’t you do that?” “Do what?” “Get me or Spike.” “Oh, that! Well, you were asleep, and I didn’t want to be rude, but you’d locked the door for the night, so I just tunneled in through your lab so I wouldn’t wake you up!” “You… what?” Twilight looked a bit confused. Pinkie sighed. “Twilight, do I have to explain everything? You were asleep, and you’d looked really worn out yesterday, so I figured you could use some extra sleep, but at the same time, I needed to get a book. However, you had Shiny put up that force field thingy, so just going in through the window quietly like I normally would was out. So, I tunneled in through the lab.” Twilight was about to say something, but Pinkie cut her off, “And before you ask, no, I didn’t drink any of those fancy juices you have in those funny glasses down there, and no, I did not press the buttons on that machine that spits out the squiggly lines. Although, I was tempted,” she said with a sly grin. “But, I put those needs aside. I had to find out something important!” Twilight was considering being stunned, but then she remembered exactly who she was talking to and instead just sighed. “Okay, fine. Next time, just ring the doorbell. I really don’t mind being woken up. Anyway, what was so important it couldn’t wait until I open the library in…” she glanced at her clock, “ten minutes?” “Well, you know how I went on that super amazing road trip with Applejack and her family the other day?” “Umm… I think so?” Pinkie looked slightly offended. “Really? You don’t read what I write in our friendship journal?” “It’s a journal! You don’t read other ponies’ journal entries! It’s rude!” “Twilight, it’s a shared journal! You suggested it, you silly goose! Of course we’d read the other’s entries!” “Celestia never read Luna’s entries! I asked her!” “And look where that got them.” Pinkie said, suddenly somber. Twilight paused, considering this. The sisters had kept a shared journal for years, but still Celestia didn’t seem to take notice of any of Luna’s concerns until it was too late. She’d hate for herself and her friends to go through something similar. Imagine if Rarity somehow became the next Nightmare Moon! She shuddered at the thought. “Okay Pinkie, I see your point. I’ll be sure to read the other entries once I get some time.” Pinkie brightened up again. “Good! Oh, and you may want to ask Dashie if she’d like you to rewrite her entries. Her penmareship is terrible!” Twilight chuckled. “Okay, I’ll keep that in mind. So, what about this road trip?” “Right! Well, we got a little lost, we saw some cool creatures in this cave, we referenced The Emperor’s New Groove-” “What?” “Nothing. I took some pictures, we sang a ridiculously catchy song that I’ll have stuck in my head for a month, and then we finally made it to Goldie Deliciouseseses cabin!” “…Okay? And what does this have to do with my library?” “Everything, twilight. Everything has to do with everything. Especially your library.” Twilight looked puzzled, but Pinkie continued before she could say anything. “While we were there, I found a book that would have said if I was related to the Apple Family or not. One of those geological types.” “Genealogical.” “Old stuff, same sort of thing.” “No they aren’t! They’re two totally different-” Twilight stopped herself, then took a deep breath in while extending her hoof just like how- “Ooh, is that that thing Princess Cadence taught you?” Pinkie remarked. Twilight did her best to keep her focus, then breathed out again. “Yes. It is. Now then, what about the genealogy book?” “Well, I was reading it over Goldie’s shoulder, and I saw that the smudge that blotted out whether or not I was part of the Apple Family looked exactly like the smudge that I found on that scroll you were looking at. You really ought to just make books, you know. Reading your scrolls involves a lot of walking backwards.” “Um… okay?” “Anyways, if I know my smudges, and I know my smudges, there is no way there would be two identical smudges over the same thing in two different books! And I didn’t see any smudges like that anywhere else in the Apple Family’s book, just that bit where it mentions the Pie family. So, I needed to check that scroll again, just to be sure that they were the same. And… they were! Twilight decided that it was appropriate to be stunned this time. “Pinkie, are you saying…” “Yes! I think somepony, somewhere, made those smudges deliberately! On top of that, when I looked through all those other genamology books you have, I couldn’t find a single other mention of the Pie family anywhere. Not. One. Somepony went to a lot of trouble trying to hide something, and you know what that means!” “I think so, but-” “The Pie family has a big secret that somepony doesn’t want anypony to know about! Isn’t that exciting!?” Pinkie’s grin was so large, Twilight wondered how exactly her face contained it all. Her words, though, were a different matter. Pinkie thought that there was some conspiracy against her family? That certainly was big news. Ordinarily, Twilight would have just said that it was Pinkie being random or something like that, but this was different. She had done some research, and had come to a conclusion that, Twilight had to admit, was completely within the realm of possibility. Still, that was only one option. There had to be other possible explanations. “Pinkie, as interesting as that theory is, I don’t think you have enough solid evidence to make a case.” “Of course I don’t, silly! That’s why I need your help!” “My help? With what?” “I need somepony who can get the answers. A hard-boiled detective who can crack the case wiiiiiiide open. Someone with investigatitive skills who can get to the bottom of this!” “…and, that would be me?” Pinkie laughed. “No, silly, that’d be me! But everyone knows that a good detective needs a sidekick! Every Sherclop needs a Trotson, after all!” Twilight was a little taken aback, but she knew there was no arguing with her when she was this excited, so she just went along with it. “Fine, I’ll be Trotson,” Twilight said, exasperated, “I’ll start going through my books, see what I can find.” “No need! I went through them all while you were still asleep, and I couldn’t find anything about big Pie secrets. No, for this, we’re going to have to go straight to the source.” “…which is?” “Pack your bags and tell Spike to start cleaning, because we’re going… to the Rock Farm!” Author's Note Well, I don't know how I did it, but I got this story done in under 24 hours. Never ask me to do anything like this again. O_O Bonus - Chapter 1.21Twilight stared blankly out the train window. They’d been traveling for over eight hours. Eight. Hours. Sure, she knew the rock farm was far away, but this train had taken them to Dodge Junction, a little town on the other side of the country, in a fraction of the time. And she’d seen the train lines on maps, she knew that there was no way that was possible without breaking the sound barrier. So what was it? “It’s the Tesseract Effect.” The sudden sound broke Twilight out of her daze, and she glanced over at Pinkie, who was reading a newspaper. Upside down. “Sorry, what?” Twilight asked. “The Tesseract Effect. That’s what causes the strange train times.” Twilight gave her a funny look. “How did you know that I was thinking about that?” “You had the ‘this train’s times don’t make any sense’ look. Don’t worry, everyone who rides this train gets it at some point. Even I got it, the first time someone told me about it. Then I bought a ticket and it was just obvious.” “What’s obvious?” “Duh! The train arrives when it’s meant to arrive. Not a minute before, or a minute after. It does this by manipulating the amount of track space it has to travel before it reaches its destination.” Twilight thought about this for a minute. “Then how come that one trip from Canterlot to Ponyville took all night? I can fly there in about half an hour.” “Simple. The train took some minutes from other fast trips, when you needed to get to Canterlot in a hurry. Minutes can’t be created or destroyed, so the train just shuffled them around a bit until there was one super long trip, and the rest were super short,” Pinkie gave Twilight a confused look, “besides, aren’t you the super-sciencey one? I expected more from you, Twilight. Tsk tsk.” “Did you just say the words ‘tsk tsk’?” “Yes. Yes I did.” And with that, she went back to reading her upside-down paper. As much as she wanted to, Twilight couldn’t really find a flaw in her explanation. It made just about as much sense as most of Pinkie’s other theories. A little more time passed, and Twilight stared out the window some more. She got up a few times to keep her legs from falling asleep, and got some snacks from the diner car. But the ride just kept going on and on and on and on. Finally, Twilight decided to think about something other than the train’s impossible physics. “So Pinkie, what’s your family like?” Pinkie sat up from her paper (which she had somehow turned into a chain of paper dolls without any scissors) and looked thoughtfully at Twilight. “I don’t know, actually.” “What? How do you not know?” Twilight asked, confused. “Well, I haven’t seen them in several years. Last time I saw them, I was a little older than Scootaloo is now. For all I know, they’ve all changed so much I wouldn’t recognize them if I saw them.” Now Twilight was really confused. “But Pinkie, I thought you were friends with everypony. How could you leave your family like that?” “I didn’t leave on purpose.” “Huh?” “Well, maybe it’d be better if I said ‘I didn’t not come back on purpose’.” “Pinkie, that makes no sense, physically or grammatically.” “Well, you’ve been around me long enough to know that things don’t always make sense, haven’t you?” Twilight smiled. “Okay, you’ve got me there. How come you weren’t able to go back?” “Well, basically, I went out to get some ingredients for my super-ultra-deluxe party cake. It was still in its beta stage at the time. I hadn’t quite figured out the ratio of gumdrops to éclair filling. Anyways, I needed one final ingredient to take it to the next level, so I ran towards the nearest store to get some. However, when I tried to find my way home, I just couldn’t find it.” “So what you’re saying is, you got lost?” Pinkie shook her head. “No, no, nothing like that. I followed the only road that led to and from my house, but no matter how much I traveled, I couldn’t find the house. So, I eventually gave up, had a snack, and joined the nearest circus I could find.” “You joined the… actually, never mind, that part makes perfect sense.” “I know, right!? It was a lot of fun! I became good friends with a tiger who jumped through a teeny tiny ring of fire. He still sends me a card every Hearth’s Warming!” “Um… okay then?” Twilight scratched her head in confusion. “Um… well then, what do you remember about your family?” “Hmm…” Pinkie looked around the train car nervously, as if worried someone was listening in. “Well…” “You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, you know,” Twilight said, reassuringly. “Oh no, it’s nothing like that,” Pinkie said, still looking a bit uncomfortable. “It’s just… well, they’re kinda… strange.” Twilight stared at Pinkie for a moment, before bursting out laughing. “Hey! What’s so funny? Is there something in my teeth?” “Sorry Pinkie, I’m not laughing at you, it’s just…” Twilight struggled to hold back her laughter, “you say they’re strange. You. Say they’re strange. I’m sorry, but that’s just kinda funny.” Pinkie just smiled nicely at Twilight as she regained her composure. Pretty soon, she had her laughter under control. “Feel better?” Pinkie asked, one eyebrow raised. “Much better.” “Good! Laughing is good for you!” “Well, you would know. You are the element of laughter, after all.” Pinkie giggled. “I guess you’re right! I am the world’s best expert of laughterology!” Twilight couldn’t help it. She started laughing uncontrollably again, and this time, Pinkie joined in. They laughed so hard, they didn’t notice the conductor enter their train car. “Could you two keep it down? There are passengers who are trying to do business.” He said sterny. “Sorry… he he… sir! We’ll try to be… quieter,” Twilight said between giggles. He just rolled his eyes and trotted away, muttering something about the bar opening too early. “Ooh, okay, that felt good.” Twilight said, pulling herself up off the ground where she had been lying. “Now then, where were we?” “I don’t remember. I think we were talking about my family? All you really need to know is that they’re a bunch of grumps when I’m not there throwing parties.” “Really? That’s all?” “You’ll know what I mean when we get there. Speaking of which…” Pinkie paused for a second, as if waiting for someone else to speak their line. Twilight looked around, but didn’t see anyone. “Pinkie, what are you-” “Now arriving in Last Ditch Effort! Everyone for Last Ditch Effort, get your things!” the conductor called out from the hallway. “See? Tesseract Effect! Now come on, let’s go!” Pinkie bounded up and out of the train car. Twilight just rolled her eyes and followed after her. Author's Note Bonus chapter! I had to cut this bit out of the beginning of chapter 2 for the Writers Training Grounds (they limited it to 7,000 words! Can you believe it?) But now that's done, and this can see the light of day! Woo! I do intend to heavily revise this story later down the road so that it's not as hard to follow the insanity, but don't worry, this is Pinkie we're talking about. Strange things seem to just... happen. Chapter 2Twilight and Pinkie trotted through the bright afternoon light down the dirt road that Pinkie claimed led to the Pie Rock Farm. The road was barren and covered in weeds and loose rocks. It looked like nobody had travelled this way in years. The trees along the roadside were bare of leaves, and in the passing wind, they looked a little threatening. “Tee hee! Passing wind.” Pinkie giggled quietly to herself, making sure Twilight couldn’t hear. Fortunately, Twilight had other matters on her mind. “Pinkie, are you sure this is the right way to go? It looks a little... well…” “Empty? Oh yeah, it always looks like that.” “Want me to fly up and see if I can see the house from here?” Pinkie shook her head. “No, that won’t work. Either we find the house, or we don’t. It’s up to the house. I think it kicked me out after the last party I had there. It’s kind of a grouchy old place.” Twilight, who had put up with this sort of thing the entire train ride, just nodded and kept looking. A few minutes of silence passed, then suddenly Pinkie cried “Ooh, ooh! There it is!” Twilight looked around. “Where? I don’t see anything!” “Really? Okay then, just give it a minute. Your eyes will adjust. Just watch your step.” Twilight squinted, but still didn’t see anything. She kept walking forward, looking everywhere around them as hard as she could. “Pinkie, I still don’t see anythi-“ WHAM! Twilight hit something hard and fell over. She rubbed her head for a second, and then looked up. There, one foot away from her face, was a large, worn out, weather-beaten farmhouse. Twilight gaped at it. “But it- but I- it just- huh!?” “I tried to warn you Twilight!” Twilight was about to protest that there was no way she could have missed something like this when she heard a door creaking open. “Pinkie? Is that you?” “Mom!” Pinkie pounced on the old mare who had come outside, wrapping her in a tight hug. “Yes, it’s definitely… you!” The mare managed to squeeze out through the rib-crushing hug. Pinkie loosened her embrace a little. “Sorry mom. It’s just been sooo long!” “Oh, it’s quite all right. I haven’t seen you since you were a little filly! How have you been getting along all these years?” “Been doing great! I work at a bakery over in Ponyville now! I tried sending you guys some letters, but the mailmares put a big, mean ‘return to sender’ on all of them!” “Oh, it’s nothing to worry about, dear. We figured as much when you didn’t show up in the Roots.” “Mooom, we have a guest…” Pinkie motioned towards Twilight, speaking quietly though gritted teeth. The old mare started. “Good heavens, I didn’t even see you there! House play a trick on you too? Don’t worry, it does that. Come in, come in, I have a cup of tea on the kettle, and besides, it’s getting dark.” Twilight looked around, and sure enough, the sun was setting. “That’s odd. Celestia never lowers the sun this early in the day.” “Oh, no, that’s not Celestia. It’s just the farm,” Pinkie’s mother replied, “It’s something you have to get used to. Please, do come in. Pinkie, your father and sisters will be getting back any time now! I just know they’ll be thrilled to see you again! Twilight pulled herself to all four hooves and used her wings to dust herself off. She was getting better at using them, that much was for sure. “Why are you staring at me like that?” She asked Pinkie’s mother, who was looking at Twilight with a near horrified expression. Pinkie whispered in her mother’s ear, and she seemed to relax. “Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you might have been Princess Luna. She hasn’t been welcome here since… The Pickle.” “The Pickle?” Twilight asked, confused. “Never you mind, never you mind. Come inside and warm up.” And with that, the old mare turned around and walked inside the house. Twilight confusedly looked at Pinkie. “What’s ‘The Pickle’?” “I’ll tell you when you’re older,” Pinkie said as she trotted inside after her mother. Twilight stood there for a second, then followed her in, muttering “I’m older than you are…” The inside of the house was very nice and orderly. The front door opened into a cozy little entryway, with a set of stairs leading up and a slide leading down. The kitchen was clean and tidy, with a kettle boiling on the stove. There was a living room with comfy chairs, and a little fireplace where there was a log burning. The best word Twilight could find to describe it was ‘cozy’. She felt like she could live in this house forever. “That’s how it gets you. Don’t believe its lies.” Pinkie whispered in her ear. “Huh? What lies?” Twilight gave Pinkie an odd look. “Don’t listen to her, dear. She always thinks the house is out to get her, when it’s really just the sweetest thing.” “It locked me out for ten years, mom!” “As if that matters here. Your sister met a colt, and after a few months of waiting, there he was, a fully grown stallion waiting to take her off to Baltimare for the rest of her life,” She sighed, “Oh, so romantic.” “What!?” Both Twilight and Pinkie said simultaneously, though for completely different reasons. “Or is that something that’s going to happen… oh well! We’ll just see who comes through that door with your father. At least he’s reliable.” As if on cue, the door slammed open again and a gruff voice called out “Gem, I’m home!” “That’s wonderful dear! Guess what? Pinkie’s back!” Suddenly they heard crying out excitedly “Pinkie!” as two little fillies ran into the family room. They stopped sharply, but not sharply enough to avoid Pinkie flying through the air like a ballistic missile. “Inkie! Blinkie! AAH! You’re so adorable!” she cried as she hugged the two little fillies just as tightly as she hugged her mom. “Gah! Sis! Stop!” One of them cried. “I can’t breathe!” cried the other. Pinkie relaxed her grip. “Sorry! It’s just been so long since I’ve seen you two!” The fillies gave her confused looks. “What do you mean? You saw us last night when you came and read us a bedtime story.” “Yeah, you were big then too! Though last week you were our size. What’s up with that?” Their father, who had been taking off a scarf, walked in at this point. “No, no, I think Pinkie’s been away for a lot longer than you have, girls. Just look at how big she’s gotten! My my” he said, beaming at her, “I never thought I’d see my girl all grown up like this!” This time, he hugged her, and she reciprocated. “Missed you dad.” “And I missed you, Pinkie.” He kissed her on the cheek and stepped back. “Now then, I see we have company! Who is this, Pinkie?” The two girls started giggling. “Pinkie brought home her girlfriend!” Twilight, who was already completely lost in all the insanity and impossibility of what they were saying, was only able to stammer out a “wha- n-no, we’re not-” “Girls! Be nice!” Pinkie’s mother said sharply, and while Inkie and Blinkie kept giggling, they didn’t press the subject. “Now then, I don’t think we’ve been properly introduced. Pinkie, would you?” asked her father. “Ooh! Right! Twilight, this is my Family. My dad, Igneous Pie…” Twilight went over and shook his hoof. “How do you do, sir.” Pinkie continued, “My mom, Cloudy Quartz…” “Just call me Quartz, dear. It sounds so much nicer than ‘Cloudy’.” Twilight shook her hoof as well. “And my sisters, Marble and Limestone.” “Hey! That’s not our names!” “Yeah! Only mom and dad get to call us that! You’re our sister, you can’t use it!” Pinkie laughed “Okay, okay, the gray one is Inkie and the purple one is Blinkie. I’d explain why, but that’d take waaay too much time! Now then,” Pinkie trotted over to Twilight “everypony, this is my bestest friend, Princess Twilight Sparkle!” She pulled out one of Twilight’s wings to give everyone the full effect. The room went dead quiet. Inkie and Blinkie, who had started giggling again when Pinkie introduced Twilight as her ‘bestest friend’ were standing still, looking resentfully at Twilight. Igneous just glared at her. Quartz was the first one to break the silence, looking at the others reproachfully. “Oh, will you all just grow up! It’s not her fault! She couldn’t have known!” Twilight was starting to get a little scared. “Um… couldn’t have known what, exactly?” Cloudy turned to Igneous. “See? She doesn’t even know!” Igneous didn’t seem to hear her. He just turned to Pinkie and growled “Why have you brought her in here?” Pinkie was just as bewildered as Twilight was. “Dad, what’s going on? Has Twi done something wrong?” “With all due respect, sir,” Twilight said, sheepishly, “We came looking for a genealogical connection between Pinkie and one of our other friends. However, if you want us to leave, we can.” Igneous looked over at his wife and sighed. “I guess you’re right, gem. She really doesn’t know. Marble, Limestone, it’s time for bed.” “But dad!” “No ‘but dad’s tonight girls. Quartz, can you handle them?” “Certainly, dear.” “Good, off you go then.” Quartz took the two little fillies and marched them up the stairs, despite very grumpy faces. Once the door was shut, he turned to face Twilight. “Now then, Ms. Sparkle. How much has Princess Celestia told you about our family?” Twilight looked at him in confusion. “Um… nothing. Though I’m getting the impression there’s something I should really know.” Igneous groaned. “Great. I’ll have to start at the beginning. Well, she would have told you sooner or later, I suppose,” He turned his attention back to his daughter. “Pinkie, bring your friend and sit by the fire. It’s time you learned something about our family history.” Author's Note This is the part where things get... strange. I think you can tell I wrote a lot of this late at night. Chapter 3“Long ago, before this world we know as Equestria existed, there was another world, full of gods and goddesses of every sort. These beings were without doubt the most powerful of warriors, and were revered and worshipped by those on the mortal world. And, as thanks for their devotion, these mighty kings of the heavens would fight off enemies that plagued those who followed them, destroying them on every occasion. “Now, I should mention that these worshippers were not like you and me.” “How come?” Pinkie asked, curious. “Well, for a start, they did not have hooves, or cutie marks. They walked on two legs, and used the other two for grasping objects. And they did not have any magic of their own.” “Oh! Are you talking about the humans?” Twilight suddenly exclaimed. Igneous stared at her, barely concealing his astonishment. “Y-yes. How in the world did you know what they called themselves?” Twilight looked away, a little embarrassed. “I… I may have turned into one?” Igneous stared at Twilight, mouth hanging open. Twilight felt the need to explain herself a bit more. “It was soon after I became a Princess. I was in the Crystal Empire when my crown was stolen. The thief escaped through a mirror that led to another world. I followed her though, and, well… turned into one of them. It’s kind of a long story.” Igneous facehooved. “The mirror. I should have known.” “You knew about the mirror?” Twilight asked curiously. “Dang right I know about the mirror! It’s the only path between our world and the world of the worshippers. The Pie family used to be in charge of its protection, but a few hundred years ago there was a great earthquake. Countless family heirlooms were lost down the fissure, and we assumed that the mirror had fallen as well. Should have figured the princesses would have gotten ahold of it. Well then, you know the sort of creature I’m talking about. Like I said, they don’t have magic of their own, so when they see it, they are most likely going to worship it. Aren’t I right?” He asked, directing his question to Twilight. Twilight paused. “I… guess? I didn’t attend any of their worship services, though I did read about something like that. It was just a passing mention in a book of some God. I didn’t really pay much attention to it, since I was on a deadline to get back to Equestria before the portal closed again.” Igneous nodded. “Makes sense. The portal between worlds is only open for a short amount of time. If you came and went within one opening, I wouldn’t expect you to learn nearly as much as those who spent years on the other side.” Twilight was about to comment, but he held up his hoof “I’m sure the princesses will tell you more about it. May I please continue my story?” Twilight stifled the question back, and nodded politely. “Good. Now then, these Gods, they were powerful, yes, but they were not unbeatable. They could, on occasion, lose, much like our princesses. They still had their vulnerabilities. One of these was how the great city they lived in was open to the world. It was a weakness that their enemies, the Giants, took advantage of many times. One day, a stranger came to them, claiming that he could build a wall all around their city… for a price.” “What did he ask for?” Pinkie asked. “The hand of one of the high Goddesses in marriage, and control over the Sun and Moon. The Gods were outraged, and refused to give him what he wanted. However, one of the cleverest gods, called Loki, came up with a plan. He said that this stranger would have his price, if he could complete the wall within six months. The stranger asked if he was allowed the help of his horse, and Loki agreed. Loki was confident that the stranger could not complete the entire wall within six months, causing him to lose the bet and the gods to gain a free wall. “However, this stranger was stronger and more determined to win than any of the gods had thought. He worked tirelessly, and when it was almost time for the six months to be up, the wall was nearly complete. The other gods told Loki that he had gotten them into this mess, so he should be the one to get them out. So, Loki determined that he should distract the stranger’s horse, so that he could not haul the enormous stones to where they were needed. “I should mention that the gods had different magical abilities, like unicorns do, but they were far more powerful than any little unicorn could ever hope to be. Some of them had control over the seas, others the skies. The king of the Gods, Odin, controlled all magic, and was the source of their power.” Twilight gasped in astonishment, but Igneous continued without noticing. “However, one thing all of these gods had in common was their shape; they all looked how humans look. That’s why I brought it up earlier.” Twilight could barely contain her questions, but a sharp look from Igneous shut her up. “Now, Loki, he was known as The Trickster, the god of mischief and mayhem. He loved to make things more exciting and interesting than they were by tricking both the gods, the giants, and the humans who worshipped them into doing what he wanted. And he hated to lose. So, one night, he took the form of a horse and-” “Wait, he was a shape shifter?” Pinkie asked. Igneous nodded. “Yes, that was one of his powers as The Trickster. He could take any form he wanted, and was one of the only gods who could do so. So, to stop the horse from completing his work, he took the form of a mare, and-” “I thought you said Loki was a guy.” “Pinkie, you just asked if he was a shape shifter. I don’t think he really cares too much about gender,” Twilight said, “please go on, Igneous. This story is absolutely fascinating!” “Uh-huh!” Pinkie chimed in agreement. Igneous growled at their constant interruptions, then cleared his throat and continued. “With his horse missing, the stranger was unable to complete the wall within the appointed six months. In his rage at having lost the bet, the stranger dropped his disguise, revealing himself to be one of the Giants, the god’s enemies. He was quickly dealt with, and the Gods had their wall.” “Awesome! The good guys win!” Pinkie exclaimed, bouncing up and down with excitement. “Yes, it’s a fantastic story,” said Twilight sincerely, “But… what does any of this have to do with the Pie Family? Or Equestria, for that matter?” “Well, I was getting to that.” Igneous grunted, glaring at Pinkie. She didn’t seem to notice, and just kept bouncing around the room out of excitement over the happy ending. “Pinkemina Diane Pie, will you sit still for one minute! Odin’s beard, you’ve been like this ever since you were a little filly!” Igneous shouted. Pinkie promptly sat down and looked up at her father, like a puppy that had just been scolded. “There. Now then, I’ll continue the story. “The giant who had built the wall was gone, as was his horse. However, Loki was still a mare, and… I think you two should have an idea of how a mare could distract a stallion for that much time.” Twilight blushed, understanding what he was getting at. She couldn’t tell if Pinkie was blushing too, though it looked to her like she had understood. “In a few months, Loki gave birth to a magical horse unlike any that world had ever seen. This horse was named… Sleipnir.” Igneous paused, letting the name hang almost reverently in the air for a moment. Pinkie looked confused. “Seep-deer?” “No, Pinkie, Sleipnir.” Her father corrected. “Slayp-beer?” “Sleipnir.” “Sleep-near?” Igneous gave up. “Sure. I guess that’s close enough.” Pinkie seemed satisfied. “So, what’s so important about sleep-near?” Igneous grimaced at the bad pronunciation, but he let it slide. “He had eight legs, and was faster than any horse that ever lived. He could fly though the air or run across the sea, and could even go to the Underworld, which was even difficult for the gods to reach. “And no,” Igneous said, looking at Twilight, whose face practically screamed her need to ask a question, “I don’t know why he had eight legs. He was Loki’s son, and Loki was… very strange, to say the least. It’s saying something when Sleipnir was probably the most normal of all of Loki’s children. “Anyway, Sleipnir was given to the King of the Gods, Odin, to be his personal steed. He was always loyal to Odin, but once Odin was devoured by one of Sleipinir’s brothers in a great war between the Giants and the Gods-” Suddenly, the door opened, and Inkie and Blinkie entered the room. “One legend at a time, dad,” Inkie said with a grin, “Don’t want to fry the little pwincess’ brain, do we?” “How long have you been eavesdropping?” Igneous demanded. Blinkie chuckled. “Since the part with the wall. It’s one of Inkie’s favorites. You left out the bit where Thor zapped the giant with, like, a billion volts of lightning. That’s the best bit.” Twilight looked at Igneous in shock, and he glared at Blinkie. “Inkie, Blinkie, go back to bed. I am telling the story, and I will say what needs to be heard. Nothing more.” “Aww, dad! Can’t we stay and listen? We can tell the story too!” Inkie protested. “Yeah! We can leave out the boring bits!” Igneous considered this, then sighed. “Okay, fine. You have one minute. Go.” Inkie and Blinkie grinned at each other, took a deep beath, then began speaking so quickly even Pinkie was surprised. “Odins side lost a war with Loki’s kids, so Sleipnir was going to be killed. But Loki stepped in and suggested that, instead of killing their brother, they just banish him. So that’s what they did, and they found him a nice happy world full of other magical horses like him. This world! He was more powerful than any of the mean old unicorn mages, Faster than the fastest pegasus, And stronger than the toughest stallion! So, he took control of the sun and the moon, but since they’re heavier on this world than his old one, He used the unicorn’s magic to make two new ponies who could control each of them. One for the sun, and one for the moon. That’s our princesses! Yeah, the princesses are Sleipnir’s best creation ever! But he had other children too. Usually with earth ponies, cause unicorns and pegasi didn’t like him much. Yeah, they’re meanies. But now, his children are all over the world! All with special powers that make ponies heads hurt when they think about them. They fight bad guys, stop monsters, and are just overall the coolest ponies in the world! But because they’re so awesome, they have to be kept top secret! No record they ever existed, like spy ponies! And we’re some of them! Isn’t that awesome!?” The two little fillies collapsed, out of breath, but still giggling. Twilight and Pinkie just stared at them, Twilight taking in what they had said, and Pinkie mentally checking how long it had taken them to say all that. “45 seconds! Nice!” Pinkie said, and Inkie and Blinkie just started laughing even harder. Pinkie joined in, and the laughter was so contagious that even Igneous and Twilight started laughing along with them. Igneous was the first one to recover. “Okay girls, you’ve had your fun. Now off to bed, both of you.” Igneous said. “Come on dad! Just five more minutes?” Inkie said with the biggest puppy dog eyes she could muster. “No. We’ve already had this conversation tonight, and I don’t want to have to deal with your mother when she finds out you snuck back down here. Now go.” “Aww…” they said, but they still went up to bed anyways. Igneous turned back to Twilight and Pinkie. “Now then, where was I?” “About to explain why you were angry at Twilight before?” Pinkie suggested innocently. “Ah. Right. That. Well, you see, there’s this prophecy. Or warning. Or history lesson. I really don’t know, we don’t pay much heed to time here.” “Yeah, I kind of guessed that,” Twilight said, “So, what does future me do that’s so horrible?” Igneous frowned. “There’s a prophecy. A unicorn who would be given the full set of horn and wings, not by our Sleipnir, but by one of his children. It would disrupt the flow of time, and cause all sorts of past horrors to awaken from its depths.” “Hey Twilight! That sounds like you!” Pinkie grinned. Twilight rolled her eyes. “You’re not helping things, Pinkie.” “As I was saying,” Igneous continued, “It would get so bad that Sleipnir would be forced to join the fight himself. And there, in battle, he would fall at the hooves, not of a pony, but at the hands of his father, Loki.” Twilight gasped. “Loki is here? In this world?” Igneous nodded his head gravely. “I’m afraid so. He entered through the mirror hundreds of years ago, seeking a little mischief. What he found here was a race of creatures who were so devoted to their ideals of normalcy and peace that he couldn’t help but… shake things up.” “Discord…” Twilight said, understanding where he was going with all this. “This is all because I freed Discord, isn’t it?” A shocked look crossed Igneous’ face. “You have done this already?” Twilight exchanged an awkward look with Pinkie. “… maybe?” Igneous facehoofed. “Well then, what’s done is done, I suppose. Congratulations, you have doomed our father to die in the last battle at the end of the world.” Twilight was speechless, “I’m… I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. If I had, I would have never… Pinkie, can we still-” Pinkie shook her head. “Nuh-uh, sister. Had to give the elements up to that big tree thingy, remember?” “Oh. Right. Well, there must be something we can do to make this right!?” “Isn’t he still living with Fluttershy? Making sure his reform holds strong?” Pinkie asked. Igneous laughed scornfully. “Reformed? Loki? He must have used that trick a hundred times with the gods, and they fell for it every time! No, he’s not reformed. He’s just biding his time, waiting for the end of the world. No, all we can do at this point is hope we’re on the right side when the battle comes.” He got to his hooves and extended his hoof towards Twilight. “Well, you’ve certainly given myself and the entire Pie family a lot to think about. If we come up with a plan to stop this future from coming to be, we will be sure to let you know. Until then…” He shook Twilight’s hoof. “Good luck, Princess.” Then he turned to Pinkie. He looked at her big puppy dog eyes for a few seconds before breaking out in a massive grin. “Come here, Pinkie!” he said, wrapping her in a tight embrace. “Dad… can’t… breathe!” Pinkie said, giggling a little at getting a taste of her own medicine. He relaxed his grip for a moment, only to be engulfed in an even tighter hug from Pinkie. “That’s my girl.” He said as she released him. “So, back to Ponyville, I guess?” Twilight asked. Pinkie nodded. “Yup! If we’re going to keep a close eye on Discord-Loki, then we’d better be close enough for those eyes to be close!” She turned to her dad. “I really do miss this place, and I miss you guys, but now I have a family name to live up to! The Sleep-near family!” Igneous rolled his eyes and chuckled. “Go on then. Be sure to visit us more often though. I’ll have a word with the House, see if he’ll let you back in more often, or at different points in time.” Pinkie grinned as she and Twilight trotted out the front door. “Duh! Of course I will! I have to read Inkie and Blinkie a bedtime story yesterday, don’t I?” Author's Note True story.
Chapter 1CRASH! Twilight jolted out of bed, galloping out of her bedroom as fast as she could. What in Equestria was that? She wondered as she careened down the stairs. Did Rainbow Dash crash into the library again? No, I had Shiny set up that invisible shield after last time. What could have- Twilight reached the bottom of the stairs and froze. The library was a disaster. Books were strewn right and left, some stacked up in large heaps, others just lying on the ground. Not a single book had stayed on the shelves. She let out a small groan. Great. Just great! Now I’ll have to reorganize everything! How did this even happen? As if in answer, one of the piles of books shifted, and a bright pink head and mane popped out. “Hi Twilight! Sorry about the mess! This book I needed was reeeeally high up, so I had to make a book ladder to reach it!” Of course it was Pinkie. Twilight thought as she facehooved. “Pinkie, what have I told you about messing up the library?” she said, looking sternly down at Pinkie. “Oh, I know!” Pinkie made a silly face that looked vaguely like the one Twilight currently had, and said, in a voice that sounded a bit like Twilight, “You said ‘Pinkie, if you need a book, just ask either me or spike. Don’t tear the place up when I’ve already got an organizational system in place. After all, I am the Princess of Organizational Systems! Now organize!” “I don’t sound like that!” “Okay, maybe I made up the last part, but still!” Pinkie playfully stuck her tongue out at Twilight. Twilight rolled her eyes again. “Well, why didn’t you do that?” “Do what?” “Get me or Spike.” “Oh, that! Well, you were asleep, and I didn’t want to be rude, but you’d locked the door for the night, so I just tunneled in through your lab so I wouldn’t wake you up!” “You… what?” Twilight looked a bit confused. Pinkie sighed. “Twilight, do I have to explain everything? You were asleep, and you’d looked really worn out yesterday, so I figured you could use some extra sleep, but at the same time, I needed to get a book. However, you had Shiny put up that force field thingy, so just going in through the window quietly like I normally would was out. So, I tunneled in through the lab.” Twilight was about to say something, but Pinkie cut her off, “And before you ask, no, I didn’t drink any of those fancy juices you have in those funny glasses down there, and no, I did not press the buttons on that machine that spits out the squiggly lines. Although, I was tempted,” she said with a sly grin. “But, I put those needs aside. I had to find out something important!” Twilight was considering being stunned, but then she remembered exactly who she was talking to and instead just sighed. “Okay, fine. Next time, just ring the doorbell. I really don’t mind being woken up. Anyway, what was so important it couldn’t wait until I open the library in…” she glanced at her clock, “ten minutes?” “Well, you know how I went on that super amazing road trip with Applejack and her family the other day?” “Umm… I think so?” Pinkie looked slightly offended. “Really? You don’t read what I write in our friendship journal?” “It’s a journal! You don’t read other ponies’ journal entries! It’s rude!” “Twilight, it’s a shared journal! You suggested it, you silly goose! Of course we’d read the other’s entries!” “Celestia never read Luna’s entries! I asked her!” “And look where that got them.” Pinkie said, suddenly somber. Twilight paused, considering this. The sisters had kept a shared journal for years, but still Celestia didn’t seem to take notice of any of Luna’s concerns until it was too late. She’d hate for herself and her friends to go through something similar. Imagine if Rarity somehow became the next Nightmare Moon! She shuddered at the thought. “Okay Pinkie, I see your point. I’ll be sure to read the other entries once I get some time.” Pinkie brightened up again. “Good! Oh, and you may want to ask Dashie if she’d like you to rewrite her entries. Her penmareship is terrible!” Twilight chuckled. “Okay, I’ll keep that in mind. So, what about this road trip?” “Right! Well, we got a little lost, we saw some cool creatures in this cave, we referenced The Emperor’s New Groove-” “What?” “Nothing. I took some pictures, we sang a ridiculously catchy song that I’ll have stuck in my head for a month, and then we finally made it to Goldie Deliciouseseses cabin!” “…Okay? And what does this have to do with my library?” “Everything, twilight. Everything has to do with everything. Especially your library.” Twilight looked puzzled, but Pinkie continued before she could say anything. “While we were there, I found a book that would have said if I was related to the Apple Family or not. One of those geological types.” “Genealogical.” “Old stuff, same sort of thing.” “No they aren’t! They’re two totally different-” Twilight stopped herself, then took a deep breath in while extending her hoof just like how- “Ooh, is that that thing Princess Cadence taught you?” Pinkie remarked. Twilight did her best to keep her focus, then breathed out again. “Yes. It is. Now then, what about the genealogy book?” “Well, I was reading it over Goldie’s shoulder, and I saw that the smudge that blotted out whether or not I was part of the Apple Family looked exactly like the smudge that I found on that scroll you were looking at. You really ought to just make books, you know. Reading your scrolls involves a lot of walking backwards.” “Um… okay?” “Anyways, if I know my smudges, and I know my smudges, there is no way there would be two identical smudges over the same thing in two different books! And I didn’t see any smudges like that anywhere else in the Apple Family’s book, just that bit where it mentions the Pie family. So, I needed to check that scroll again, just to be sure that they were the same. And… they were! Twilight decided that it was appropriate to be stunned this time. “Pinkie, are you saying…” “Yes! I think somepony, somewhere, made those smudges deliberately! On top of that, when I looked through all those other genamology books you have, I couldn’t find a single other mention of the Pie family anywhere. Not. One. Somepony went to a lot of trouble trying to hide something, and you know what that means!” “I think so, but-” “The Pie family has a big secret that somepony doesn’t want anypony to know about! Isn’t that exciting!?” Pinkie’s grin was so large, Twilight wondered how exactly her face contained it all. Her words, though, were a different matter. Pinkie thought that there was some conspiracy against her family? That certainly was big news. Ordinarily, Twilight would have just said that it was Pinkie being random or something like that, but this was different. She had done some research, and had come to a conclusion that, Twilight had to admit, was completely within the realm of possibility. Still, that was only one option. There had to be other possible explanations. “Pinkie, as interesting as that theory is, I don’t think you have enough solid evidence to make a case.” “Of course I don’t, silly! That’s why I need your help!” “My help? With what?” “I need somepony who can get the answers. A hard-boiled detective who can crack the case wiiiiiiide open. Someone with investigatitive skills who can get to the bottom of this!” “…and, that would be me?” Pinkie laughed. “No, silly, that’d be me! But everyone knows that a good detective needs a sidekick! Every Sherclop needs a Trotson, after all!” Twilight was a little taken aback, but she knew there was no arguing with her when she was this excited, so she just went along with it. “Fine, I’ll be Trotson,” Twilight said, exasperated, “I’ll start going through my books, see what I can find.” “No need! I went through them all while you were still asleep, and I couldn’t find anything about big Pie secrets. No, for this, we’re going to have to go straight to the source.” “…which is?” “Pack your bags and tell Spike to start cleaning, because we’re going… to the Rock Farm!” Author's Note Well, I don't know how I did it, but I got this story done in under 24 hours. Never ask me to do anything like this again. O_O
Bonus - Chapter 1.21Twilight stared blankly out the train window. They’d been traveling for over eight hours. Eight. Hours. Sure, she knew the rock farm was far away, but this train had taken them to Dodge Junction, a little town on the other side of the country, in a fraction of the time. And she’d seen the train lines on maps, she knew that there was no way that was possible without breaking the sound barrier. So what was it? “It’s the Tesseract Effect.” The sudden sound broke Twilight out of her daze, and she glanced over at Pinkie, who was reading a newspaper. Upside down. “Sorry, what?” Twilight asked. “The Tesseract Effect. That’s what causes the strange train times.” Twilight gave her a funny look. “How did you know that I was thinking about that?” “You had the ‘this train’s times don’t make any sense’ look. Don’t worry, everyone who rides this train gets it at some point. Even I got it, the first time someone told me about it. Then I bought a ticket and it was just obvious.” “What’s obvious?” “Duh! The train arrives when it’s meant to arrive. Not a minute before, or a minute after. It does this by manipulating the amount of track space it has to travel before it reaches its destination.” Twilight thought about this for a minute. “Then how come that one trip from Canterlot to Ponyville took all night? I can fly there in about half an hour.” “Simple. The train took some minutes from other fast trips, when you needed to get to Canterlot in a hurry. Minutes can’t be created or destroyed, so the train just shuffled them around a bit until there was one super long trip, and the rest were super short,” Pinkie gave Twilight a confused look, “besides, aren’t you the super-sciencey one? I expected more from you, Twilight. Tsk tsk.” “Did you just say the words ‘tsk tsk’?” “Yes. Yes I did.” And with that, she went back to reading her upside-down paper. As much as she wanted to, Twilight couldn’t really find a flaw in her explanation. It made just about as much sense as most of Pinkie’s other theories. A little more time passed, and Twilight stared out the window some more. She got up a few times to keep her legs from falling asleep, and got some snacks from the diner car. But the ride just kept going on and on and on and on. Finally, Twilight decided to think about something other than the train’s impossible physics. “So Pinkie, what’s your family like?” Pinkie sat up from her paper (which she had somehow turned into a chain of paper dolls without any scissors) and looked thoughtfully at Twilight. “I don’t know, actually.” “What? How do you not know?” Twilight asked, confused. “Well, I haven’t seen them in several years. Last time I saw them, I was a little older than Scootaloo is now. For all I know, they’ve all changed so much I wouldn’t recognize them if I saw them.” Now Twilight was really confused. “But Pinkie, I thought you were friends with everypony. How could you leave your family like that?” “I didn’t leave on purpose.” “Huh?” “Well, maybe it’d be better if I said ‘I didn’t not come back on purpose’.” “Pinkie, that makes no sense, physically or grammatically.” “Well, you’ve been around me long enough to know that things don’t always make sense, haven’t you?” Twilight smiled. “Okay, you’ve got me there. How come you weren’t able to go back?” “Well, basically, I went out to get some ingredients for my super-ultra-deluxe party cake. It was still in its beta stage at the time. I hadn’t quite figured out the ratio of gumdrops to éclair filling. Anyways, I needed one final ingredient to take it to the next level, so I ran towards the nearest store to get some. However, when I tried to find my way home, I just couldn’t find it.” “So what you’re saying is, you got lost?” Pinkie shook her head. “No, no, nothing like that. I followed the only road that led to and from my house, but no matter how much I traveled, I couldn’t find the house. So, I eventually gave up, had a snack, and joined the nearest circus I could find.” “You joined the… actually, never mind, that part makes perfect sense.” “I know, right!? It was a lot of fun! I became good friends with a tiger who jumped through a teeny tiny ring of fire. He still sends me a card every Hearth’s Warming!” “Um… okay then?” Twilight scratched her head in confusion. “Um… well then, what do you remember about your family?” “Hmm…” Pinkie looked around the train car nervously, as if worried someone was listening in. “Well…” “You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, you know,” Twilight said, reassuringly. “Oh no, it’s nothing like that,” Pinkie said, still looking a bit uncomfortable. “It’s just… well, they’re kinda… strange.” Twilight stared at Pinkie for a moment, before bursting out laughing. “Hey! What’s so funny? Is there something in my teeth?” “Sorry Pinkie, I’m not laughing at you, it’s just…” Twilight struggled to hold back her laughter, “you say they’re strange. You. Say they’re strange. I’m sorry, but that’s just kinda funny.” Pinkie just smiled nicely at Twilight as she regained her composure. Pretty soon, she had her laughter under control. “Feel better?” Pinkie asked, one eyebrow raised. “Much better.” “Good! Laughing is good for you!” “Well, you would know. You are the element of laughter, after all.” Pinkie giggled. “I guess you’re right! I am the world’s best expert of laughterology!” Twilight couldn’t help it. She started laughing uncontrollably again, and this time, Pinkie joined in. They laughed so hard, they didn’t notice the conductor enter their train car. “Could you two keep it down? There are passengers who are trying to do business.” He said sterny. “Sorry… he he… sir! We’ll try to be… quieter,” Twilight said between giggles. He just rolled his eyes and trotted away, muttering something about the bar opening too early. “Ooh, okay, that felt good.” Twilight said, pulling herself up off the ground where she had been lying. “Now then, where were we?” “I don’t remember. I think we were talking about my family? All you really need to know is that they’re a bunch of grumps when I’m not there throwing parties.” “Really? That’s all?” “You’ll know what I mean when we get there. Speaking of which…” Pinkie paused for a second, as if waiting for someone else to speak their line. Twilight looked around, but didn’t see anyone. “Pinkie, what are you-” “Now arriving in Last Ditch Effort! Everyone for Last Ditch Effort, get your things!” the conductor called out from the hallway. “See? Tesseract Effect! Now come on, let’s go!” Pinkie bounded up and out of the train car. Twilight just rolled her eyes and followed after her. Author's Note Bonus chapter! I had to cut this bit out of the beginning of chapter 2 for the Writers Training Grounds (they limited it to 7,000 words! Can you believe it?) But now that's done, and this can see the light of day! Woo! I do intend to heavily revise this story later down the road so that it's not as hard to follow the insanity, but don't worry, this is Pinkie we're talking about. Strange things seem to just... happen.
Chapter 2Twilight and Pinkie trotted through the bright afternoon light down the dirt road that Pinkie claimed led to the Pie Rock Farm. The road was barren and covered in weeds and loose rocks. It looked like nobody had travelled this way in years. The trees along the roadside were bare of leaves, and in the passing wind, they looked a little threatening. “Tee hee! Passing wind.” Pinkie giggled quietly to herself, making sure Twilight couldn’t hear. Fortunately, Twilight had other matters on her mind. “Pinkie, are you sure this is the right way to go? It looks a little... well…” “Empty? Oh yeah, it always looks like that.” “Want me to fly up and see if I can see the house from here?” Pinkie shook her head. “No, that won’t work. Either we find the house, or we don’t. It’s up to the house. I think it kicked me out after the last party I had there. It’s kind of a grouchy old place.” Twilight, who had put up with this sort of thing the entire train ride, just nodded and kept looking. A few minutes of silence passed, then suddenly Pinkie cried “Ooh, ooh! There it is!” Twilight looked around. “Where? I don’t see anything!” “Really? Okay then, just give it a minute. Your eyes will adjust. Just watch your step.” Twilight squinted, but still didn’t see anything. She kept walking forward, looking everywhere around them as hard as she could. “Pinkie, I still don’t see anythi-“ WHAM! Twilight hit something hard and fell over. She rubbed her head for a second, and then looked up. There, one foot away from her face, was a large, worn out, weather-beaten farmhouse. Twilight gaped at it. “But it- but I- it just- huh!?” “I tried to warn you Twilight!” Twilight was about to protest that there was no way she could have missed something like this when she heard a door creaking open. “Pinkie? Is that you?” “Mom!” Pinkie pounced on the old mare who had come outside, wrapping her in a tight hug. “Yes, it’s definitely… you!” The mare managed to squeeze out through the rib-crushing hug. Pinkie loosened her embrace a little. “Sorry mom. It’s just been sooo long!” “Oh, it’s quite all right. I haven’t seen you since you were a little filly! How have you been getting along all these years?” “Been doing great! I work at a bakery over in Ponyville now! I tried sending you guys some letters, but the mailmares put a big, mean ‘return to sender’ on all of them!” “Oh, it’s nothing to worry about, dear. We figured as much when you didn’t show up in the Roots.” “Mooom, we have a guest…” Pinkie motioned towards Twilight, speaking quietly though gritted teeth. The old mare started. “Good heavens, I didn’t even see you there! House play a trick on you too? Don’t worry, it does that. Come in, come in, I have a cup of tea on the kettle, and besides, it’s getting dark.” Twilight looked around, and sure enough, the sun was setting. “That’s odd. Celestia never lowers the sun this early in the day.” “Oh, no, that’s not Celestia. It’s just the farm,” Pinkie’s mother replied, “It’s something you have to get used to. Please, do come in. Pinkie, your father and sisters will be getting back any time now! I just know they’ll be thrilled to see you again! Twilight pulled herself to all four hooves and used her wings to dust herself off. She was getting better at using them, that much was for sure. “Why are you staring at me like that?” She asked Pinkie’s mother, who was looking at Twilight with a near horrified expression. Pinkie whispered in her mother’s ear, and she seemed to relax. “Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you might have been Princess Luna. She hasn’t been welcome here since… The Pickle.” “The Pickle?” Twilight asked, confused. “Never you mind, never you mind. Come inside and warm up.” And with that, the old mare turned around and walked inside the house. Twilight confusedly looked at Pinkie. “What’s ‘The Pickle’?” “I’ll tell you when you’re older,” Pinkie said as she trotted inside after her mother. Twilight stood there for a second, then followed her in, muttering “I’m older than you are…” The inside of the house was very nice and orderly. The front door opened into a cozy little entryway, with a set of stairs leading up and a slide leading down. The kitchen was clean and tidy, with a kettle boiling on the stove. There was a living room with comfy chairs, and a little fireplace where there was a log burning. The best word Twilight could find to describe it was ‘cozy’. She felt like she could live in this house forever. “That’s how it gets you. Don’t believe its lies.” Pinkie whispered in her ear. “Huh? What lies?” Twilight gave Pinkie an odd look. “Don’t listen to her, dear. She always thinks the house is out to get her, when it’s really just the sweetest thing.” “It locked me out for ten years, mom!” “As if that matters here. Your sister met a colt, and after a few months of waiting, there he was, a fully grown stallion waiting to take her off to Baltimare for the rest of her life,” She sighed, “Oh, so romantic.” “What!?” Both Twilight and Pinkie said simultaneously, though for completely different reasons. “Or is that something that’s going to happen… oh well! We’ll just see who comes through that door with your father. At least he’s reliable.” As if on cue, the door slammed open again and a gruff voice called out “Gem, I’m home!” “That’s wonderful dear! Guess what? Pinkie’s back!” Suddenly they heard crying out excitedly “Pinkie!” as two little fillies ran into the family room. They stopped sharply, but not sharply enough to avoid Pinkie flying through the air like a ballistic missile. “Inkie! Blinkie! AAH! You’re so adorable!” she cried as she hugged the two little fillies just as tightly as she hugged her mom. “Gah! Sis! Stop!” One of them cried. “I can’t breathe!” cried the other. Pinkie relaxed her grip. “Sorry! It’s just been so long since I’ve seen you two!” The fillies gave her confused looks. “What do you mean? You saw us last night when you came and read us a bedtime story.” “Yeah, you were big then too! Though last week you were our size. What’s up with that?” Their father, who had been taking off a scarf, walked in at this point. “No, no, I think Pinkie’s been away for a lot longer than you have, girls. Just look at how big she’s gotten! My my” he said, beaming at her, “I never thought I’d see my girl all grown up like this!” This time, he hugged her, and she reciprocated. “Missed you dad.” “And I missed you, Pinkie.” He kissed her on the cheek and stepped back. “Now then, I see we have company! Who is this, Pinkie?” The two girls started giggling. “Pinkie brought home her girlfriend!” Twilight, who was already completely lost in all the insanity and impossibility of what they were saying, was only able to stammer out a “wha- n-no, we’re not-” “Girls! Be nice!” Pinkie’s mother said sharply, and while Inkie and Blinkie kept giggling, they didn’t press the subject. “Now then, I don’t think we’ve been properly introduced. Pinkie, would you?” asked her father. “Ooh! Right! Twilight, this is my Family. My dad, Igneous Pie…” Twilight went over and shook his hoof. “How do you do, sir.” Pinkie continued, “My mom, Cloudy Quartz…” “Just call me Quartz, dear. It sounds so much nicer than ‘Cloudy’.” Twilight shook her hoof as well. “And my sisters, Marble and Limestone.” “Hey! That’s not our names!” “Yeah! Only mom and dad get to call us that! You’re our sister, you can’t use it!” Pinkie laughed “Okay, okay, the gray one is Inkie and the purple one is Blinkie. I’d explain why, but that’d take waaay too much time! Now then,” Pinkie trotted over to Twilight “everypony, this is my bestest friend, Princess Twilight Sparkle!” She pulled out one of Twilight’s wings to give everyone the full effect. The room went dead quiet. Inkie and Blinkie, who had started giggling again when Pinkie introduced Twilight as her ‘bestest friend’ were standing still, looking resentfully at Twilight. Igneous just glared at her. Quartz was the first one to break the silence, looking at the others reproachfully. “Oh, will you all just grow up! It’s not her fault! She couldn’t have known!” Twilight was starting to get a little scared. “Um… couldn’t have known what, exactly?” Cloudy turned to Igneous. “See? She doesn’t even know!” Igneous didn’t seem to hear her. He just turned to Pinkie and growled “Why have you brought her in here?” Pinkie was just as bewildered as Twilight was. “Dad, what’s going on? Has Twi done something wrong?” “With all due respect, sir,” Twilight said, sheepishly, “We came looking for a genealogical connection between Pinkie and one of our other friends. However, if you want us to leave, we can.” Igneous looked over at his wife and sighed. “I guess you’re right, gem. She really doesn’t know. Marble, Limestone, it’s time for bed.” “But dad!” “No ‘but dad’s tonight girls. Quartz, can you handle them?” “Certainly, dear.” “Good, off you go then.” Quartz took the two little fillies and marched them up the stairs, despite very grumpy faces. Once the door was shut, he turned to face Twilight. “Now then, Ms. Sparkle. How much has Princess Celestia told you about our family?” Twilight looked at him in confusion. “Um… nothing. Though I’m getting the impression there’s something I should really know.” Igneous groaned. “Great. I’ll have to start at the beginning. Well, she would have told you sooner or later, I suppose,” He turned his attention back to his daughter. “Pinkie, bring your friend and sit by the fire. It’s time you learned something about our family history.” Author's Note This is the part where things get... strange. I think you can tell I wrote a lot of this late at night.
Chapter 3“Long ago, before this world we know as Equestria existed, there was another world, full of gods and goddesses of every sort. These beings were without doubt the most powerful of warriors, and were revered and worshipped by those on the mortal world. And, as thanks for their devotion, these mighty kings of the heavens would fight off enemies that plagued those who followed them, destroying them on every occasion. “Now, I should mention that these worshippers were not like you and me.” “How come?” Pinkie asked, curious. “Well, for a start, they did not have hooves, or cutie marks. They walked on two legs, and used the other two for grasping objects. And they did not have any magic of their own.” “Oh! Are you talking about the humans?” Twilight suddenly exclaimed. Igneous stared at her, barely concealing his astonishment. “Y-yes. How in the world did you know what they called themselves?” Twilight looked away, a little embarrassed. “I… I may have turned into one?” Igneous stared at Twilight, mouth hanging open. Twilight felt the need to explain herself a bit more. “It was soon after I became a Princess. I was in the Crystal Empire when my crown was stolen. The thief escaped through a mirror that led to another world. I followed her though, and, well… turned into one of them. It’s kind of a long story.” Igneous facehooved. “The mirror. I should have known.” “You knew about the mirror?” Twilight asked curiously. “Dang right I know about the mirror! It’s the only path between our world and the world of the worshippers. The Pie family used to be in charge of its protection, but a few hundred years ago there was a great earthquake. Countless family heirlooms were lost down the fissure, and we assumed that the mirror had fallen as well. Should have figured the princesses would have gotten ahold of it. Well then, you know the sort of creature I’m talking about. Like I said, they don’t have magic of their own, so when they see it, they are most likely going to worship it. Aren’t I right?” He asked, directing his question to Twilight. Twilight paused. “I… guess? I didn’t attend any of their worship services, though I did read about something like that. It was just a passing mention in a book of some God. I didn’t really pay much attention to it, since I was on a deadline to get back to Equestria before the portal closed again.” Igneous nodded. “Makes sense. The portal between worlds is only open for a short amount of time. If you came and went within one opening, I wouldn’t expect you to learn nearly as much as those who spent years on the other side.” Twilight was about to comment, but he held up his hoof “I’m sure the princesses will tell you more about it. May I please continue my story?” Twilight stifled the question back, and nodded politely. “Good. Now then, these Gods, they were powerful, yes, but they were not unbeatable. They could, on occasion, lose, much like our princesses. They still had their vulnerabilities. One of these was how the great city they lived in was open to the world. It was a weakness that their enemies, the Giants, took advantage of many times. One day, a stranger came to them, claiming that he could build a wall all around their city… for a price.” “What did he ask for?” Pinkie asked. “The hand of one of the high Goddesses in marriage, and control over the Sun and Moon. The Gods were outraged, and refused to give him what he wanted. However, one of the cleverest gods, called Loki, came up with a plan. He said that this stranger would have his price, if he could complete the wall within six months. The stranger asked if he was allowed the help of his horse, and Loki agreed. Loki was confident that the stranger could not complete the entire wall within six months, causing him to lose the bet and the gods to gain a free wall. “However, this stranger was stronger and more determined to win than any of the gods had thought. He worked tirelessly, and when it was almost time for the six months to be up, the wall was nearly complete. The other gods told Loki that he had gotten them into this mess, so he should be the one to get them out. So, Loki determined that he should distract the stranger’s horse, so that he could not haul the enormous stones to where they were needed. “I should mention that the gods had different magical abilities, like unicorns do, but they were far more powerful than any little unicorn could ever hope to be. Some of them had control over the seas, others the skies. The king of the Gods, Odin, controlled all magic, and was the source of their power.” Twilight gasped in astonishment, but Igneous continued without noticing. “However, one thing all of these gods had in common was their shape; they all looked how humans look. That’s why I brought it up earlier.” Twilight could barely contain her questions, but a sharp look from Igneous shut her up. “Now, Loki, he was known as The Trickster, the god of mischief and mayhem. He loved to make things more exciting and interesting than they were by tricking both the gods, the giants, and the humans who worshipped them into doing what he wanted. And he hated to lose. So, one night, he took the form of a horse and-” “Wait, he was a shape shifter?” Pinkie asked. Igneous nodded. “Yes, that was one of his powers as The Trickster. He could take any form he wanted, and was one of the only gods who could do so. So, to stop the horse from completing his work, he took the form of a mare, and-” “I thought you said Loki was a guy.” “Pinkie, you just asked if he was a shape shifter. I don’t think he really cares too much about gender,” Twilight said, “please go on, Igneous. This story is absolutely fascinating!” “Uh-huh!” Pinkie chimed in agreement. Igneous growled at their constant interruptions, then cleared his throat and continued. “With his horse missing, the stranger was unable to complete the wall within the appointed six months. In his rage at having lost the bet, the stranger dropped his disguise, revealing himself to be one of the Giants, the god’s enemies. He was quickly dealt with, and the Gods had their wall.” “Awesome! The good guys win!” Pinkie exclaimed, bouncing up and down with excitement. “Yes, it’s a fantastic story,” said Twilight sincerely, “But… what does any of this have to do with the Pie Family? Or Equestria, for that matter?” “Well, I was getting to that.” Igneous grunted, glaring at Pinkie. She didn’t seem to notice, and just kept bouncing around the room out of excitement over the happy ending. “Pinkemina Diane Pie, will you sit still for one minute! Odin’s beard, you’ve been like this ever since you were a little filly!” Igneous shouted. Pinkie promptly sat down and looked up at her father, like a puppy that had just been scolded. “There. Now then, I’ll continue the story. “The giant who had built the wall was gone, as was his horse. However, Loki was still a mare, and… I think you two should have an idea of how a mare could distract a stallion for that much time.” Twilight blushed, understanding what he was getting at. She couldn’t tell if Pinkie was blushing too, though it looked to her like she had understood. “In a few months, Loki gave birth to a magical horse unlike any that world had ever seen. This horse was named… Sleipnir.” Igneous paused, letting the name hang almost reverently in the air for a moment. Pinkie looked confused. “Seep-deer?” “No, Pinkie, Sleipnir.” Her father corrected. “Slayp-beer?” “Sleipnir.” “Sleep-near?” Igneous gave up. “Sure. I guess that’s close enough.” Pinkie seemed satisfied. “So, what’s so important about sleep-near?” Igneous grimaced at the bad pronunciation, but he let it slide. “He had eight legs, and was faster than any horse that ever lived. He could fly though the air or run across the sea, and could even go to the Underworld, which was even difficult for the gods to reach. “And no,” Igneous said, looking at Twilight, whose face practically screamed her need to ask a question, “I don’t know why he had eight legs. He was Loki’s son, and Loki was… very strange, to say the least. It’s saying something when Sleipnir was probably the most normal of all of Loki’s children. “Anyway, Sleipnir was given to the King of the Gods, Odin, to be his personal steed. He was always loyal to Odin, but once Odin was devoured by one of Sleipinir’s brothers in a great war between the Giants and the Gods-” Suddenly, the door opened, and Inkie and Blinkie entered the room. “One legend at a time, dad,” Inkie said with a grin, “Don’t want to fry the little pwincess’ brain, do we?” “How long have you been eavesdropping?” Igneous demanded. Blinkie chuckled. “Since the part with the wall. It’s one of Inkie’s favorites. You left out the bit where Thor zapped the giant with, like, a billion volts of lightning. That’s the best bit.” Twilight looked at Igneous in shock, and he glared at Blinkie. “Inkie, Blinkie, go back to bed. I am telling the story, and I will say what needs to be heard. Nothing more.” “Aww, dad! Can’t we stay and listen? We can tell the story too!” Inkie protested. “Yeah! We can leave out the boring bits!” Igneous considered this, then sighed. “Okay, fine. You have one minute. Go.” Inkie and Blinkie grinned at each other, took a deep beath, then began speaking so quickly even Pinkie was surprised. “Odins side lost a war with Loki’s kids, so Sleipnir was going to be killed. But Loki stepped in and suggested that, instead of killing their brother, they just banish him. So that’s what they did, and they found him a nice happy world full of other magical horses like him. This world! He was more powerful than any of the mean old unicorn mages, Faster than the fastest pegasus, And stronger than the toughest stallion! So, he took control of the sun and the moon, but since they’re heavier on this world than his old one, He used the unicorn’s magic to make two new ponies who could control each of them. One for the sun, and one for the moon. That’s our princesses! Yeah, the princesses are Sleipnir’s best creation ever! But he had other children too. Usually with earth ponies, cause unicorns and pegasi didn’t like him much. Yeah, they’re meanies. But now, his children are all over the world! All with special powers that make ponies heads hurt when they think about them. They fight bad guys, stop monsters, and are just overall the coolest ponies in the world! But because they’re so awesome, they have to be kept top secret! No record they ever existed, like spy ponies! And we’re some of them! Isn’t that awesome!?” The two little fillies collapsed, out of breath, but still giggling. Twilight and Pinkie just stared at them, Twilight taking in what they had said, and Pinkie mentally checking how long it had taken them to say all that. “45 seconds! Nice!” Pinkie said, and Inkie and Blinkie just started laughing even harder. Pinkie joined in, and the laughter was so contagious that even Igneous and Twilight started laughing along with them. Igneous was the first one to recover. “Okay girls, you’ve had your fun. Now off to bed, both of you.” Igneous said. “Come on dad! Just five more minutes?” Inkie said with the biggest puppy dog eyes she could muster. “No. We’ve already had this conversation tonight, and I don’t want to have to deal with your mother when she finds out you snuck back down here. Now go.” “Aww…” they said, but they still went up to bed anyways. Igneous turned back to Twilight and Pinkie. “Now then, where was I?” “About to explain why you were angry at Twilight before?” Pinkie suggested innocently. “Ah. Right. That. Well, you see, there’s this prophecy. Or warning. Or history lesson. I really don’t know, we don’t pay much heed to time here.” “Yeah, I kind of guessed that,” Twilight said, “So, what does future me do that’s so horrible?” Igneous frowned. “There’s a prophecy. A unicorn who would be given the full set of horn and wings, not by our Sleipnir, but by one of his children. It would disrupt the flow of time, and cause all sorts of past horrors to awaken from its depths.” “Hey Twilight! That sounds like you!” Pinkie grinned. Twilight rolled her eyes. “You’re not helping things, Pinkie.” “As I was saying,” Igneous continued, “It would get so bad that Sleipnir would be forced to join the fight himself. And there, in battle, he would fall at the hooves, not of a pony, but at the hands of his father, Loki.” Twilight gasped. “Loki is here? In this world?” Igneous nodded his head gravely. “I’m afraid so. He entered through the mirror hundreds of years ago, seeking a little mischief. What he found here was a race of creatures who were so devoted to their ideals of normalcy and peace that he couldn’t help but… shake things up.” “Discord…” Twilight said, understanding where he was going with all this. “This is all because I freed Discord, isn’t it?” A shocked look crossed Igneous’ face. “You have done this already?” Twilight exchanged an awkward look with Pinkie. “… maybe?” Igneous facehoofed. “Well then, what’s done is done, I suppose. Congratulations, you have doomed our father to die in the last battle at the end of the world.” Twilight was speechless, “I’m… I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. If I had, I would have never… Pinkie, can we still-” Pinkie shook her head. “Nuh-uh, sister. Had to give the elements up to that big tree thingy, remember?” “Oh. Right. Well, there must be something we can do to make this right!?” “Isn’t he still living with Fluttershy? Making sure his reform holds strong?” Pinkie asked. Igneous laughed scornfully. “Reformed? Loki? He must have used that trick a hundred times with the gods, and they fell for it every time! No, he’s not reformed. He’s just biding his time, waiting for the end of the world. No, all we can do at this point is hope we’re on the right side when the battle comes.” He got to his hooves and extended his hoof towards Twilight. “Well, you’ve certainly given myself and the entire Pie family a lot to think about. If we come up with a plan to stop this future from coming to be, we will be sure to let you know. Until then…” He shook Twilight’s hoof. “Good luck, Princess.” Then he turned to Pinkie. He looked at her big puppy dog eyes for a few seconds before breaking out in a massive grin. “Come here, Pinkie!” he said, wrapping her in a tight embrace. “Dad… can’t… breathe!” Pinkie said, giggling a little at getting a taste of her own medicine. He relaxed his grip for a moment, only to be engulfed in an even tighter hug from Pinkie. “That’s my girl.” He said as she released him. “So, back to Ponyville, I guess?” Twilight asked. Pinkie nodded. “Yup! If we’re going to keep a close eye on Discord-Loki, then we’d better be close enough for those eyes to be close!” She turned to her dad. “I really do miss this place, and I miss you guys, but now I have a family name to live up to! The Sleep-near family!” Igneous rolled his eyes and chuckled. “Go on then. Be sure to visit us more often though. I’ll have a word with the House, see if he’ll let you back in more often, or at different points in time.” Pinkie grinned as she and Twilight trotted out the front door. “Duh! Of course I will! I have to read Inkie and Blinkie a bedtime story yesterday, don’t I?” Author's Note True story.
