Crazy ***king ***t happens when you're on crazy ***king ***t

by Cocaine

Rating: mature
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Human, Original Character, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Random, Adventure
Length: 2713

Crazy stuff. Seriously. Like...There are words to describe its craziness, but I can only say it's cray-cray.

In this story, it follows the daily troubles of Marcello Pultern. He meets Rainbow Dash (Who in this story is...Slightly less fortunate of the mind than the average acorn) and they go on a short, dumb adventure.

-

I wrote this really fast and for fun. like seriously, it's really really bad don't read it.

Published 2014-01-20 18:10:06 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-20 18:10:06 UTC

Crazy

  My name is Marcello Pultern. I’m regarded as the most powerful mob boss in all of Equestria, and for good reason. Nobody fucks with my shit. They don’t fuck with my shit because I’m always on that shit, making my shit a lot…shittier. What the fuck am I even saying?

  “Oi! You Marc Pulp Crack?” A voice interrupts my thoughts like a fucking retard behind me.

  “Pultern, you twit.” I correct, turning around to meet the most…stupidest fucking person I’ve seen ever. Rainbow hair, blue hoodie, jeans, and…well that’s about it. Oh and her voice sounds like she’s a genuine dick sucker.

  She shakes her head, biting around the edges of her cheeks. “Not the guy I‘m looking for.”

  I turn my head, raising an eyebrow. “Yeah? And who are you looking for?”

  She tilts her head. “The famous mob boss guy.” She says, shaking her head at me.

  “Yeah, fucking retard. That‘s me. Marcello Pultern. And who the fuck are you?” I ask, staring narrow-eyed at the stupid asshole before me.

  Her eyes squint...stupidly. “I‘m Rainbow Dash!” She boasts loudly, pointing a thumb to her flat chest. I’m not sure it is a girl. “I‘m the greatest drug dealer around!” She smiles widely, showing her fucked up teeth.

  I roll my eyes, slapping my face. “Now that you‘ve announced it so spectacularly to the world, how about you give me information on WHAT THE FUCK YOU WANT?” I shout loudly, my red veins popping from my neck from my spontaneous rage.

  Rainbow Dash proves to be quick with her anger too. “I want to work for you, asshole!!!” She shouts, raising her fists at me.

  I tilt my head back, my rage subsiding…for now. “I like you.” I say bluntly.

  Rainbow Dash shrugs, putting her hands in her hoodie pocket. “I like you too. Wanna fuck?” She asks, grinning stupidly.

  I sigh, shaking my head. “No, I don‘t fuck fucking retards. So you want to work for me, I suppose?” I ask quickly, wanting to be rid of this crap.

  Rainbow quickly nods, resembling a five year old. Fucking retard. “Yeah yeah yeah!” She answers quickly, again resembling a five year old. On Christmas. Jacked up on candy. And mountain dew. And being a total fucking retard.

  I shake my head once again. I’m getting a headache already from this…woman. Whatever the fuck it is. Oh yeah, retard. I’m getting a fucking headache from this retard. “Alright, whatever. Rules are: 1. Shut the fuck up, all the time. 2. No eating the product. 3. You‘re a fucking retard, all the time. And finally…Don‘t talk to strangers.” I tell her, and then turn around, beginning to walk away.

  “Sweet!” She replies, launching her body into the air excitedly. “Bitchen!” She again speaks. Violating rule number one. Luckily for her, she is always following rule number three…Dipshit.

  “Shut the fuck up.” I command, continuing my walk to wherever the hell I’m going. On a sidewalk, that’s all that is important.

  “Ooh yeah. Rule number 8, be quiet.” She mumbles to herself, landing back on the ground after an extended period of time.

  “Rule number one, you fucking idiot.” I correct her, shaking my head again. I’m getting a headache from shaking my head so much too. So now I have two headaches. Is that even possible? Well it’s possible that this retard could get more spectacularly fucking stupid, so I suppose so.

  “Right.” Dash confirms, balling her fists. “So where to first? We going to bust a cap in some niggas?!” She asks with a huge grin, walking up beside me.

  My fucking god. I mean Celestia. Or whatever the fuck, dear whatever the hell rules the world, get this retard to shut the fuck up. “Raintard…We‘re going to go kill people. If you don‘t want your head on my dinner table, I suggest you shut the fuck up.” I tell her, glaring at her with such rage and burning hate for this fucking idiot. Her stupidity is kinda sexy though.

  “Alright.” Rainbow Dash replies sadly, sighing.

  “Alright, we‘re here.” I say, looking over at a house ahead of me.

  “Really? That was pretty fast.” She says quickly, looking at the ghetto house ahead of us. Looks like shit.

  “Would you shut the hell up? Seriously. I just hired you and I want to murder you. Then fuck your body. Or the other way around.” I say, narrowing my eyes at the house. “Fuck it, let‘s go.” I say quickly, completing ignoring whatever the hell Rainbow Dash might be saying. She could be saying something. Might not. Maybe I’m dreaming all of this. I am way to fucking high right now to even realize that red is in her hair.

  “You‘ve got red on you.” I say quickly, then run ahead to the door, ringing it’s doorbell.

  “Why did you run?” Rainbow Dash asks stupidly.

  Why did I run? Stupid fucking questions! All the time! God fucking Damnit! I…Well…I don’t know why I ran. Fuck. “Just shut the fuck up.” I tell her, not letting her see that I really don’t have an answer.

  “Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.” Rainbow Dash says.

  I ring the door bell a couple more times, and it takes what seemed like the hundredth billionth fucking quadrillionth mother fucking time for this cunt to answer.

  “Who‘s she?” The woman quickly asks, her face too dark to see in the darkness.

  I shake my head, not letting Rainbow Dash get a stupid word out. “Just my new retard. I got your super Asian cocaine for you. Pretty wicked shit.” I say, holding up a big blue box.

  I can see in the darkness her red eyes going wide, and her white hands reach out quickly, snatching the box away. “Yoink!” She shouts like a retard as she retreats into the house.

  “God…People are so freaking retarded sometimes.” I mutter, walking away.

  Rainbow Dash looks curiously from the door, then back to me. “What about the money?” She asks, tipping her head.

  I turn around, tilting mine and I shake it wickedly. This fucking idiot! “Best drug dealer around, really? I sell my stuff through the internet! Christ, you fucking swine fucker! They use credit cards!” I yell at her, sighing. Fucking RETARD.

  She smiles, nodding her head. “Wow…That‘s a futuristic adaptation to the new world. Amiable choice, Mr. Pultern.” She says quickly.

  Fucking re-…Well, actually, that was kind of smart. But it’s fucking stupid she isn’t always smart like that. So she’s still a fucking retard. “Whatever. Let‘s get going. I have billions of deliveries.” I say, walking down the sidewalk again.

  “Bitchen!” Rainbow Dash yells out, quickly keeping up to pace with fuck- I mean me.

  “Yeah, whatever.” I say. I can’t even pay attention to my surroundings. They all look like gumdrops and shit burglars right now. I don’t understand what the fuck is going on. Am I dying?

  “Dude! We should buy a gun.” Rainbow Dash suggests.

  Well…Considering I have this fucking retard following me, that very well could be the truth. If I’m not dying, I hope it comes soon. “We‘re not buying a gun.” I reply, shaking my head.

  “But whhhyyyyy?” She whines, bouncing up and down annoyingly.

  “Because I already have a gun, dumbass.” I inform her, pulling a shitty looking pistol from my pocket. I suppose I should get something a little more intimidating. Or I could threaten people with an hour of dealing with Rainbow. Now that’s fucking intimidating!

  Rainbow Dash’s eyes glitter up, and holds her hands out for it.

  “Just don‘t sh-” Before I am able to finish my sentence, or even feel the gun taken from my hand, it fires.

  “Ow!” She shouts, stopping and looking down. “I shot my foot!” She shouts, her eyebrows very expressive.

  I slam my palm into my face. A…Facepalm, if you will. “Stupid asshole. Lucky for you, I have insurance on those bullets.” I say with a grin, continuing on our walk.

  Dash follows quickly behind, limping a little. “Insurance? What for?” She asks, again, as always like a fucking retard.

  “For the bullets, you twat! In case some dumb shit comes along and shoots herself, I can get my money back.” I tell her, shaking my head with a truly, genuine, absolutely fucking annoyed look on my face.

  “Oh. I want some of that! That way I can shoot myself a whole bunch and get my money back!” She says.

  My god. My mind was just blown. I think I have to go wrap my asshole around the universe, or some shit, because that…I can’t even. Fuck life. ‘wjfajjsajua-0U03202I3-KDSOIHvodj.;’24oshddddddddddddddfuckbitchesgetmoney!ddddpoifjodfihfosihfoaihebiafpIBP9FRH33489H0PHJ3PJ JWE; pjjjepsoerjgpsinsngpnsr

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  “Yo, you alright?” Rainbow Dash asks me, looking down at me.

  Why the fuck am I looking up at Rainbow Dash? “What do you mean? I‘m fine, ass munch.” I reply, shaking my head as I get to my feet.

  “You kind of just fell over and pulled down your pants.” She says, raising an eyebrow.

  Oh. That happened. “Just…Refrain from being TOO fucking stupid, and we might be able to avoid further incidents involving your soul eaten.”

  Rainbow Dash nods, looking around. “So where we going?” She asks, again like a big fucking tard.

  I turn my head to her, narrowing my eyes. “Wherever the fuck I want! Funny you ask though, because we‘re at the next delivery.” I say, walking into the driveway to some other shit looking house.

  “Bitchen.” Says Rainbow Dash, tilting her head back. “Getting paaaaid.” Rainbow Dash states, still smiling like the twit she is. I like that word. Twit…It’s cute. If it weren’t such a good insult, I’d probably call my lover it. HA! As if I’ll ever have a lover.

  “Yeah whatever.” I say, ringing the doorbell to this shit house. You know, it’s a crappy fucking house, but it has a doorbell. My house doesn’t have a fucking doorbell, and I spent a lot of fucking money on it! Fuck Obama.

  “Sup.” A black man comes from the darkness.

  “Holy shit!” Rainbow Dash exclaims, holding up the gun to the man. She holds it the wrong way though. Retard. “You like…just appeared. Out of nothing. That was fucking scary.” She says, shaking her head.

  “Are you kidding me? I‘ll kill you. Shut the hell up, and eat a sock.” I command, then turn back to the man, handing him another large blue box. “Fucking idiots…I swear.” I mumble. The black man vanishes into the darkness, the door closing behind us as we walk away.

  As I turn to look at Dash and scold her, I see she is eating a sock. “Where the hell did you get that?” I ask, narrowing my eyes. It’s like…She actually gets stupider.

  She shrugs, chewing the sock. “Fry fwunoks iff Yoks barf for cock.” She mutters, still eating the sock.

  “Rainbow…” I begin, rubbing my hand over my face. “Stop eating the sock.” I command, taking in long, deep breaths.

  Rainbow Spits the sock out on the ground, kicking it away. “Good, cause I don‘t know who‘s that was. Tastes awful.” She informs me, though I clearly don’t give a flying fuck.

  “Clearly, Rainbow, I should shoot you. But…I would be out of bullets.” I threaten, deeply inhaling and exhaling.

  Rainbow stares at me long and hard. “Does that mean you want to have sex?” She asks, curiously tilting her head.

  This woman. This idiot. I swear…I just…I don’t know anymore. “No, Rainbow Dash. It means shut the fuck up!” I yell at her, shaking my head furiously.

  Finally we come across another delivery. Well, it was only a short walk, so I don’t know why I’m saying finally. Fuck I’m high as hell. “Alright, twatty cake. Try not to be a complete moron. Alright?” I tell her as we walk up the driveway.

  Fuck this guy. He has this marble crap going up his driveway! I spent like $100,000 on my house and this asshole is probably broker than Vanilla Ice! Fuck these people! Fuck Obama! F- Well. You know you’re high as shit when you blame everything on Obama. It’s not my fault I’m high all the time though. It’s Obama’s…

  “Yo.” The asshole says, opening his door. Seems he’s a fucking creeper, or a super addict waiting for his shit to arrive. Whatever.

  “Here.” I say, and hand him his blue box of super powerful drugs.

  “Now get the hell off my property.” The man says, closing his door.

  With pleasure. Looks like shit anyways. Before I turn away, however, I hear quite a few gun shots. “God Damnit Rainbow Dash! If you‘re killing someone, it better be yourself!” I shout out, turning around.

  “Fuck!” Dash yells out, falling to the ground. A man runs off with my gun. Fucker.

  I run to the aid of Rainbow Dash, tears running down my face. I see I am not alone, watching as her eyes bubble and creak with tears of her own. “Fuck…He got me good…” She mutters, her lips moving every so slightly.

  I wrench my heart, shaking my head. “Please, Rainbow…Don‘t do this to me…” I barely squeeze from my meek throat. I stare at her, watching as the warmth in her magenta eyes fades. It’s a painful, shallow fade, because it‘s slow and definite that the color with be gone. “Don‘t you dare give up, Rainbow!” I shout, pulling her body against mine.

  Her hands clung on mine feel so weak, so loose of life. “There‘s nothing to give up on, my love.” She says, giving the slightest smile.

  My love…”Yes you do! You have so much ahead of you. So much life…A life with me, please! You can‘t just die like this!” I shout, nuzzling my face into her neck.

  She sniffles, gently finding a spot into my neck. “Nothing you can say…Nothing you can do…There‘s no other way when it comes to the truth.” She says, her head moving a little…unlife-like.

  “Keep holding on!” I shout, shaking her body, pulling her face to mine and clasping her lips into mine.

  “Mmf…” She mutters, gently letting her head fall back. Even near death, her body and actions are so graceful…So majestic. “Please…I have lived a wonderful life with you, Marc. It‘s just…My time.” She utters out barely, coughing up some blood.

  The sight of her blood wrenches my heart, lurching me forward onto her. I wipe up the red liquid with my shirt, weeping as I do. “I‘m here for you. I‘ll be by your side to the end; take my hand, and I won‘t give in.”

  Rainbow clasps onto my grip, tightening her still weak hold onto me. “Keep holding on, Rainbow…Just stay strong.” I tell her calmly, wrapping my free arm around her.

  Rainbow’s breathing turns for the worst when her inhaling is far longer than her exhales, and when she does exhale, it’s rough and static. “I feel it…” She mutters, shaking her head into my neck.

  I shake mine too, tears falling onto her. “Feel…What?” I ask, already knowing what she is feeling.

  She breathes calmly as she can, her hold on me getting more and more faint. “I can feel peace coming for me, my love.” She utters out, blood running from her mouth and onto me.

  “No…” I weakly, coldly, denyingly mutter. “No, you‘re not. You‘re going to feel the warm blanket of life. You‘re going to feel the soft, gentle push of love against your heart. You‘re going to feel every last moment with me, to the end, because you are strong. You are more than that…You‘re more than that, Rainbow.” I tell her, digging my chin into her cold neck.

  She chuckles lightly, and I could tell it hurt her to laugh because she coughs harshly afterwards. “No, Marc. It‘s you who has to be strong…Live on without me. You will have to…have a….family…without…” Her voice falters, her pulse stops, and her head goes limp against me.

  I move her head in front of me, and see that her tears have frozen onto her face. Her body…is completely limp.

  Damnit, she died. Well fuck this joint, I’m going home.