Red Pony Profile: The New Premonition

by Theobservantpilgrim

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Crossover, Dark, Human
Length: 1662

A rash of unexplained pregnancies, and only one link between them all. Can Agent Francis York Morgan find the culprit?

This story is a crossover between Deadly Premonition, My Little Pony, and Banned From Equestria Daily. But you already guessed that, right Zach? Well still, join Agent York Morgan on his wild adventure in Ponyville and meet the oddball residents as everything gets dark, goes nuts, then gets dark again.

For those of you who don't know, Deadly Premonition is one of the greatest games of the recent generation, and is full of all this weird junk and it's basically Twin Peaks: The Video Game. Seriously, play it sometime. I'm not saying you should buy it, but rent it at the very least.
My Little Pony is a show that was originally designed to entertain young girls and be the antithesis of "Boy shows" at the time until Generation 4 came in and smashed all those pre-conceptions spawning a community of male fans known as "bronies." But you already knew that, right Zach?
When these powers combine, Captain Planet is obese and sitting in a Hawaiian shirt living at home with Duke Nukem in a sitcom comedy but you also get this story!

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-07 23:35:45 UTC

Chapter 1: The Craziest Train!

The train have started to move. It just so happens that the other passengers and I happened to be on it when it began its journey. Although there can’t be that many passengers on this train, considering it is only a few cars long including the caboose. Although, considering the destination it’s not hard to see why the train seemed so barren, it was only me and maybe half a dozen people on board, I’d keep a better count but I’m a bit busy at the moment. I’m probably the only one here on a mission from the Federal Bureau of Investigations. You see, there has been a rash of unexplained pregnancies popping up over a short period of time in a small town, and it’s my job to find the culprit. I’m sure you’ll be a great help. Right Zach?

A quick look at my reflection in the window ensures that I am still here, with my same old black suit and red tie. I guess I could do without the scar that crazed woman gave me, but then again chicks dig scars, right? But enough vanity. While I have the time, I think it’s best to get some extra work done while on the way. My laptop took up the seat beside me and with one hand I was searching through the photos. Picture after picture of pregnant belly, it’s almost hard to believe all this can be chalked up to a coincidence. My other hand was occupied trying to call ahead to the local authorities, although they must be on the moon because every time I tried I never got a connection. But then again, I never heard of a place called Equestria so it could be the moon. What do you think, Zach? Well, no use answering now, it seems that we’re entering a tunnel.

It’s weird how even the ambient light from the outside seemed to absolutely disappear the moment we entered the tunnel. It’s almost like we’re heading into an endless void that destroys the presence of sunshine, like a natural symbol of the battle between good and evil. Now the lights have gone out, making the entire car black except for the faint glow of my laptop. I suppose in this case evil is winning. Of course, no need to panic, there have been incidents where trains try to have a locomotive mystery theme going on, like a dinner theater. This must be an impressive setup, because they even have some strange gurgling sounds emitting from the seats of my fellow passengers.

It would be amiss if I eschewed my duties as an investigator to not determine the origin of this noise, so I went up a couple of rows to the nearest other person on the train. When I saw them I saw that their lower abdomen had burst open, and sitting in the bowl of intestine below the exposed ribs sat a creature whose body was twice the size of its head with shriveled limbs that bent towards its body. I suppose the passenger wasn’t in any position to answer questions. The creature seemed to initiate it’s contact first though, for it turned to me with a face that was merely a slit that went along its head, which opened sideways as it spoke in a rasping moist voice.

“Give me life.”

I was in surprise, it used all four of its limbs to pounce at me and it latched onto my head, its own cranium had split open halfway and was beginning to envelope me. I had it at bay by holding it, but it possessed astounding strength for a creature that looked like a newborn. I managed to throw it down the aisle and it landed pathetically between two seats. It seemed to lack its former mobility now that it was laying on the ground. With this amble opportunity, I pulled from my coat the standard issue FBI Custom and fired one shot into its gaping maw.

“Bullseye.”

No more baby. I’ll have to tell my boss about this, after all it’s nice to receive the usual payment for enemy neutralized. I think it’d be best if we looked around this train for anything else that might be out of the ordinary. So I turned on the flashlight attached to my weapon and looked down the at the seats as I proceeded down the aisle, finding no other passengers but I did spot out of the corner of my eye the glint of metal like a mysterious halo of light in the darkness. I picked it up and found out it was just a can of pickles, but I suppose nobody would miss it that much so right in my pocket it goes.

It seems my little encounter would be a lone one, because the entire car was barren. Not even the other passengers seemed to be on board. I shouldn’t be surprised, they likely got off on the last stop and so I’d probably be the only one left on this train aside from the conductor. And being the man of action I am, I should go up and see why the lights still haven’t come on. And so I exited my car at the end and entered into a new one, one much closer to the train.

It seems this car was a lot more lively. I shone the light from my gun around and saw that there were three translucent white orbs hovering about like bees near a flower. These ones seemed to have no purpose in this cart and were just going around at random, although taking the car to avoid contact with anything in the car such as the seats or the walls. But once I entered, they didn’t mind heading towards me.

I kept my gun trained on them, the one on the left was most near and the one on the right was farthest, so I could easily sweep and take them out if they were hostile. The one closest to me began to congeal the matter inside it into a more solidified state which formed into a cone of sorts. When it seems it was finished, it then sent forth the spike hurtling towards me. I did step to my right and dodge it by quite a bit, it seems these things don’t have good accuracy. But judging by the penetration that the projectile offered as it stuck into the wall, I’d have to say it didn’t need to hit me anywhere in particular.

The other two lined up neatly and began to do the same, but they didn’t get far. Three shots, one for each of these things, and they popped like balloons. I stepped closer to them and looked at what I should say are their “Bodies” for lack of a better word. Their like gel, spheres of slime that were hovering by some force and with malevolent will. Now they’re not a problem.

Stepping over the puddles, I found my way to the next door. Before I went in, I stowed my weapon away in my jacket, but when I did go through it and saw that I had entered a room of complicated levers, switches, dials, and other apparati and I knew that I was at the head of the train. And sitting before this entire arrangement was an old man dressed up in coveralls, a striped shirt, and a denim hat. He couldn’t be more than five feet but with a wild mustache that grew over his lip, and by the way he was able to handle all this equipment he was certainly sturdy for his age.

“Excuse me, sir?”

Although I can’t say the same about his ears.

“Sir!” I said, now yelling.

“Huh?” It seems I got his attention. He turned around and looked at me with bespectacled eyes which he tilted, as though he only now noticed that the power was out. “Sonny boy, you really shouldn’t turn out the lights on people! It’s rude you whippersnapper!”

“I’m sorry, sir.”

“Whazzat? You’re going to have to speak up!” Now I was the one being yelled at.

“Sir! The lights all across the train have gone out!”

“Oh, is that it?” He walked over to the wall, joints creaking with every step, although by the look of his shadowy form messing around with something that was clearly there. After a moment, the lights throughout the entire train came on. “Fuses blow out from time to time. Old girl’s still got plenty of fight left in her, she just needs a little help.”

“Thank you sir!”

“You’re welcome sonny. Now go back to your seat, we’re almost at the next stop.”

I turned back and went the way I came. Although I have to say, this trip was a lot better, it was a lot more barren. The puddles of slime left by those floating orbs was gone and the corpse of that fetal abomination had disappeared. Rather than doddle hours on end about this, I think it’d be best if we agreed to just accept it and count our blessings. And it seems that the passenger who had been disemboweled was in no worse for wear, unless you consider excess napping to be deadly.

Back in my seat, it’s best I get to work, getting a head start on what is sure to grow into a mountain of paperwork. Whether or not the bureau believes any of what had transpired is irrelevant, all that matters is that whatever I encounter is reported. Four enemies had been destroyed, I managed to get to the head of the train and sort out the lighting issue, and then I returned back to my chair. I looked in the mirror and saw the same old mug. I gotta say, that scar seems to look pretty good on me, don’t you think so too Zach?