Kung-Pow Anon
Purple horse done by Bolding
"Spike? Spike!"
Where could that dragon have run off to now? He always seems to be missing whenever you need him. Some assistant he is.
Letting out a defeated sigh, you shake your head and begin looking through the shelves yourself. Talented unicorn or not, finding a book in this mess of a library is a challenge for you. "I wish somepony was around to help me out."
"As you wish, Sparkle-sempai." Your heart sinks at the sound of that voice. Turning around, your eyes meet with none other than Anonymous, standing in the center of the room. "How may I assist you today?" he asks, bowing down to you. His eyes shoot open before he smacks himself. "Excuse me for my insolence. Dono you ni enjixyo no kamo shire nai no desu ka?"
This always happens. Instead of speaking Equestrian, he always speaks this weird language to you. At least when he speaks it, his lips match his words, unlike when he speaks Equestrian. "Oh, it's nothing, Anon. I don't need help with anythi—"
"Kudasai, Twilight-sempai!" he blurts, interrupting you. "Watashiha koko no o tetsudai wo tonikaku kanou na kagiri betsuno ajia no tsu toshite."
No matter how hard you try to stop it, you can't. Your jaw drops, trying to figure out what he's saying. By the look of his furrowed brow and angry expression, it seems that he won't take "no" for answer. And with the crazy way he moves and how violent he gets, there's no way you CAN say no.
"Fine. I'm looking for a book. 'Advanced Magic: A Student's Guide'."
Anon's eyes begin to dart around the room, making you worry. He has yet to move from the center of the room, and the way his eyes are moving just gives you a bad vibe. "Anata ha sudeni shin de i masu."
In the blink of an eye, Anon dashes forward and punches the wall. The entire building shakes, causing you to fall off your hooves. For a moment, the shaking stops as you get back up.
"What was the point of tha—" Before you can even finish your sentence, everything but one book falls from the shelves, leaving a huge mess on the floor.
Anon slowly reaches for the book before handing it to you. "Nani ka ta no Twilight-sempai desu ka?"
Your eye involuntarily twitches. Spike had enough to clean as it was, but this was an outrage. You can feel the anger inside begin to rise. So badly do you want to go off on him, but it would only result in a beatdown on your end. He did only want to help...
WAIT.
Help...
Applejack came by earlier looking for help!
"Actually, now that I think about it, Anon, AJ needed some help with her orchard. Maybe you can lend her a hoof? Er, I mean hand."
Anon nods before bowing and throwing a ball at the ground. A cloud of smoke appears, causing you to cough non-stop. Once it clears, Anon is nowhere to be seen.
Sitting down on the floor, you look around the room. This was going to set your schedule back a few days...
Orange Background done by me.
You are Applejack, and today is your day on the farm. After asking around town for any possible help, you didn’t get any takers. Alright with you. Hard work is its own reward, after all. So you go on out to the fields to begin your day.
But as soon as you get out there, you find a certain human jumping around, bouncing off the trees toward you. Oh Celestia… When you asked for help, you didn’t mean him!
“Howdy there, Anon.” Your voice is nervous, as you want to get him to leave without offending his… ugh, honor.
“Hello, Applejack-san! I heard you needed help, so I came!”
Oh boy… “It’s… it’s alright, Anon. Don’t you worry ‘bout a thing. I uh… I got it covered.”
“No! I promised Twilight-sama that I would help. My honor would be impugned if I went back on my word!”
You flinch slightly. You ain’t never gonna get used to the way that stallion talks. His lips just ain’t natural! But he’s already talkin’ ‘bout that stupid honor a’ his. Maybe it was him that was teachin’ Spike all that stupid dragon honor stuff.
Either way, it’s too late to get him to leave. Maybe you can just get him to… take it easy? “Well… Alright. Just don’t—”
Too late. As soon as you said ‘alright,’ he began moving faster than your eyes could follow, jumping between the trees and punching each individual apple, moving from branch to branch like a monster made of arms and legs.
Within five minutes, he had visited every tree. No apples moved at all until he finally jumped down in front of you, bowing deeply.
As soon as he prostrated himself, each apple simultaneously fell to the ground. ”What else do you need, Applejack-kun?” And then every apple exploded.
You slowly bring your left hoof to your face, massaging your temple gently. “Ah heard Fluttershy was lookin’ for help.” You’re reduced to muttering at this point, trying to just get him to leave before you try to strangle him.
Rainbow Dash learned the hard way how successful an attempt like that would be.
”Then I will assist the quiet yellow one! Thank you for allowing me to help you, Applejack-chan!”
Sometimes, being the element of honesty is hard. So you just don’t reply as he jumps into the air and bounces off a tree, using that to speed his journey to becoming somepony else’s problem.
Schoolbus Skitters done by Brony Assassin.
You are Fluttershy and you’re having a bad day. Your animals are being… unruly. All day long, you’ve been trying to make sure that all your little critters are clean. But giving all of the animals a bath in the same day is no easy task.
You tried finding somepony to help in advance, even going so far as to put out posters asking for assistance. After all, the annual bathing of the bears is a big affair.
“Oh, my… I just can’t find anyone to help. I’m so sorry Angel, I just don’t have time to brush your coat. If only I could find some kind soul to lend a…” You see Anon bouncing across the treetops, heading straight for your home. “...hoof.”
Your bad day just got worse. You weren’t expecting him. How are you going to ask him to leave without hurting his feelings? He’s so sensitive about his honor...
With the rustling of leaves and a whisper on the wind, Anon appears, kneeling before you. “Hello, Lady Fluttershy! How may I be of assistance for you today? Do you need help with your animals?”
Flinching slightly, you struggle to think of a good reason for him not to be there. “Well, I do need help bathing my animals… Bu—Eeep!”
Without warning, the unwanted guest throws himself at your hooves, bowing deeply. “Lady Fluttershy, upon my word as a monk, I vow to serve you. I shall handle this task with ease. Rest now, my lady.”
With that, he takes off toward the backyard, using your rooftop as a springboard along the way. “Oh, no… What am I going to do?”
“WAATAAAAA!” The sound of a cracking whip followed by screaming animals pierces your eardrums like the howl of a mating hydra. Then comes the stampede.
A flood of various creatures bursts through your fence like a landslide of fur and feathers, with Anon hot on their trail. As the horde of animals stampedes, you notice that they are all headed straight for the river, and they don’t seem to be stopping for you, either.
The frenzied horde of furries whisks you away, straight for the frigid water. It’s late fall, and the weather is anything but warm. “Anon, stop! It’s too cold!”
Your desperate pleading does nothing to deter him from his honor-bound task and all of you go sliding into the rushing river, many of the animals being swept away by the powerful current. Fortunately, most of them end up running ashore a short distance down river. Unfortunately, they all emerge from the river in a pitiful condition, teeth chattering and legs trembling. It’s obvious they’re all freezing, and so are you.
You crawl onto the riverbank and slowly pick yourself up, trying hard to control your shivering legs. Anon returns and bows once more, smiling ear to ear and exposing his pearly canines.
“The task is finished, Lady Fluttershy. Is there any other way I can be of assistance?”
Your silent rage cannot be described with words. But his ignorantly innocent smile, combined with his frightening potential to perform impossible feats of violence, cause you to keep your anger to yourself.
“U-Um… Thank you, Anon. I think you’ve done quite enough. Though, I hear Rarity was looking for somepony to help her…”
Sorry, Rarity...
He bows again and then jumps into the air, landing on the river and somehow not sinking as he sprints along the churning surface. Much like Pinkie Pie, you’ve learned not to question how he does what he does.
You sigh heavily. “Ugh, I guess I’ll go get the box of thermometers. It always takes so long to get that smell out of my muzzle...”
Marshmallow done by someone that refused to be named.
Narrowing your eyes, you feel your tongue click against your teeth. “Tch!” Lowering your binoculars, you turn away from your window and walk back to the lounge of your fabulous boutique.
A lady shouldn’t hurry, after all.
Still, you don’t have much time, so a little bit of... enthusiasm is appropriate. It looks like Anonymous is coming to pay you a little visit. Stifling a groan, you settle with a small sigh and continue to whisk cloths and mannequins across the room.
Turning a critical eye upon your handiwork, you feel a smile tug at your lips. Fashion really is your passion, after all.
While it is uncommon, you do, in fact, have male mannequins. Quite a few, actually. Even if they are clothed in stiff, dirty jackets and face-concealing masks, they still look...
Well... not good, but stylish, anyway.
Giving a curt nod to your “attackers,” you walk to the center of the room and magic your couch over to you, before daintily laying yourself across it. Now, to just channel some magic and use the spell you had Twilight help you learn.
Using the focus you’ve honed from years of sewing and running your own business, you begin. Your pale blue magic envelopes the five mannequins placed around the room, their forms trembling with the power seeping into them before slowly creaking, normally motionless ears and hooves twitching.
It is a little trick for Nightmare Night, of all things. Animate scarecrows to suddenly lunge or jump in order to scare the foals. It really is a staple of any good haunted house. The lurching movements gives it just the right touch.
With a final nod of satisfaction, you lay your head back and wait for Anonymous to make his entrance. The idea of him destroying your mannequins puts a pit in your stomach, but it’s worth the time saved to just do it this way.
Never again will you offer him tea. That is an entire day you will never get back.
The sound of shattering glass signals that the event has begun. Clenching your teeth, you swallow the urge to yell. You can replace the glass. Just... let it happen.
Popping an eye open, you watch the carnage. True to form, Anonymous is flipping through the air, his body spinning wildly as he whips out a leg, shattering one of the lurching mannequin’s heads.
Somehow keeping his momentum, he cartwheels around into another flying kick, still spinning wildly. “I’ll save you, Rarity! Tatsumaki Senpukyaku!”
One of your mannequins, feeling him come close, lurches forward, miraculously dodging his kick and headbutting Anonymous in the stomach, causing him to fall on his back.
With a sudden twist, Anonymous spins on the ground, launching off the ground and uppercutting his “attacker” and sending your mannequin spinning head over hooves. “Shoryuken!”
Turning, he begins to run at the last mannequin, fists raised as the mannequin gallops back at him, seemingly taken by the mood as they collide in a flash, fist and hoof connecting to each others faces.
The last mannequin, skidding around, raises onto its back hooves, bringing its forelegs up and lowering its head, starting to sway and weave.
Slowly, Anonymous lifts his arms, palms open and fingers pointed down, opening his mouth to begin a low howl as he brings one leg up, bringing his knee level with his waist. You feel your jaw drop as you watch your simple lurching mannequin begin to hop like a professional boxer. What in Celestia’s name is happening?
The mannequin ducks in and starts to jab at Anonymous, forcing him back while he deflects with his hands. Snapping his leg quickly, Anonymous kicks one of the mannequin’s forehooves out wide before bringing his foot back down on the mannequin’s back. Using the momentum, the mannequin rolls with the kick to launch his hoof forward, connecting with Anonymous’ chest, knocking him back into the wall.
Anonymous grunts and wipes his hand across his mouth, breathing heavily, and brings his eyes up to stare at his opponent. Both your eyes and Anonymous’s eyes widen when the mannequin raises a hoof and beckons Anonymous tauntingly.
“You can’t be serious...”
Anonymous, for his part, grits his teeth and stands up, taking a deep breath and falling into another weird stance, one hand spread like a claw and held out in front, the other hovering by his chest. “OoooOoOOOOOOOWAAAAAAAAHHH!”
With a high pitched scream, Anonymous darts forward using his hands like claws, jabbing at your rogue mannequin hard enough to tear the clothes around his forehooves, revealing his plastic nature.
A coldness begins to cover your brow. Anon knows it’s a mannequin now, no doubt about it. A quick glance confirms your fears. Anonymous has tilted his head and is staring at you with one of his eyes.
Turning back to the mannequin, he rights himself and closes his eyes. “So, evil oni have possessed your mannequins... This is good! I no longer have to hold back! Do not worry, I shall banish these evil spirits with my next strike!” Wait. Holding back? What was all of that fighting, then? “Take cover, Lady Rarity! This will purify the evil spirit in a heartbeat!”
With that, Anon opens his eyes, a bright white light shining out of them like when you channel the elements of harmony. You know what happens next, and there’s no time to be a lady about it. Jumping off your lounge, you quickly kick it over before scurrying behind it, peeking your eyes over the top, morbid curiosity drawing your gaze.
Throwing his fist up into the air, he lets out another cry, his fist shining with the same light before tucking it by his side and running at the mannequin. The mannequin snorts and stomps his front hooves before lowering his head, two wicked horns suddenly ripping out from under his mask as he charges to gore Anonymous.
As you watch the two close what little distance was between them, seemingly in slow motion, Anonymous leaps into the air, cocking his arm back even farther and opening his fist, a strange glowing symbol in the middle of his palm.
The mask stretches obscenely as the mannequin lets loose a blood-curdling roar, hinting at a monstrous maw that wasn’t there just moments ago. You don’t know if Anonymous’ wild delusions caused this or not, but you’re glad he’s here for once.
With one motion, Anonymous brings his hand down on the monster, pressing the strange symbol into its forehead. Twisting his arm, Anonymous flicks himself behind the now perfectly still mannequin, looking away from both you and it.
“It is done.” Turning your gaze back to the mannequin, you see small blue flames begin to spring into existence over its body as it begins to tremble. “I must go, Lady Rarity. More vile spirits may be lurking among the townsfolk and I will need to be there to save them. Stay safe, Lady Rarity.”
You barely register the sound of breaking glass as Anonymous leaps through another window, back into Ponyville and unsuspecting ponies’ lives. You watch, transfixed, as the shaking and flames get more violent. The flames begin to flare and smoke.
The mannequin’s clothes finally burn off, revealing cracks flowing through its plastic body, flames and light pouring out of them as they quickly spread and trace through its body, black ominous smoke billowing out with each new crack.
Your eyes widen as you recognize what’s happening. You dip your head below your lounge right as it explodes. Unfortunately, it’s not enough and you feel yourself flying and twisting through the room until you ram headfirst into the wall. Struggling to stay conscious, you turn your head back to survey the damage.
Your lounge is blackened and twisted beyond repair, laying a few feet in front of you, having taken the full force of the explosion, the rest of the room seems to have shared a similar fate.
Shelves tipped over and are on the floor, their fabrics strewn and burned on the floor. The curtains that elegantly hid your tools and designs are nothing but tattered remains, singed beyond use as shrapnel from the mannequin ripped them apart. Even your merchandise, so far from the explosion, didn’t escaped unharmed. Singed edges and small sharp plastics ruin their worth.
Utterly defeated, you lay your head down on the floor as blackness begins to seep into your vision. The last thing you see before losing conscious are the mannequin’s remains. Four cracked plastic hooves surrounded by a blast radius.
Never again.
Bluefast done by Fugger
You are Rainbow Dash, most awesome pony around, and you’re having a great day. Work was easy today; all you needed to do was clear out the sky above Ponyville. It left plenty of free time for you. If there’s anything you love, it’s a day without any real work.
You stand from your spot on your cloud and stretch your wings out, each one making a satisfying ‘pop’! Ahh, nothing can ruin your good mood!
“Rainbow-teme!”
Did you say that nothing could ruin it? You meant that ONE thing could ruin it. You peer down at the ground and grimace. Anon is just below and looking up expectantly. “Er… hey, Anon.”
“Rainbow-teme! You are a practitioner of the arts, are you not?”
He must mean martial arts, because you doubt he can even hold a paintbrush without breaking it. Or without having to fight off ninjas that spawn out of nowhere with it. “Yeah, I’ve got a few blackbelts. What of it?”
He smiles as his eyes light up like they are on fire. Oh wait, they are on fire. “We should train! We could help one another better ourselves!”
Ohhh boy. Here we go. You could turn him down, but he’ll just ask again tomorrow, then the next day, then the day after that… “Yeah, I guess…”
“Excellent!” Before you even realize what happened, he jumps ALL the way up to you, grabs you around the middle, and runs to a field outside of town.
While he’s still in mid-air.
You vainly try to push away the headache that was forming as he drops you on your hooves. “Just go with it, mare. Don’t lose it yet…”
The self-whispered words don’t help.
For the next hour, you lazily go through fighting forms while Anon seemingly just whirls his arms around. You swear the wind picks up while he does so.
Finally, you start to tire and turn to your human ‘friend’. “Say, Anon? How about we call it a day? It’s been fun, but we should get back to town,” And get you off my hooves before the world ends, you mentally add.
His head snaps around to glare at you with flaming eyes again. “No! I refuse!” he practically screams. “I must continue! I must never rest! If I do, then my wushu will diminish! A day of lethargy breeds a life of dishonor!” That went over real well. “Now go if you must, weakling! I am close to mastering the Fist of the North Wind™ and I refuse to have you keep it from my grasp.”
You narrow your eyes. Luna’s tits, sometimes you just want to bash this clown’s face in and call it a day. But… The faded bruise on your chest aches as you remember the last time you flew off the handle with the physics-breaking biped. Maybe this fister thing won’t blow anything up or cause an earthquake like the other ones did.
…Right?
Without even realizing it, you put the end of your blue hoof in your mouth and bite it nervously. “Whatever, Anon. Just don’t… just don’t maim anypony.”
He smiles, his attitude doing a total 180. “Ahh! Many thanks, Rainbow-teme—” The buck does “teme” mean? “—now stand back! I need concentration.”
He turns away from you as his features go stony with focus.
Taking a stance with his knees bent and arms out to his sides, he takes a deep breath and says, “Behold! One of the greatest techniques to grace this world or the next, The Fist of the North Wind!©” He brings his arms forward and…
...makes the most obnoxious sound you’ve ever heard.
“AAATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATA—” he screams the the top of his lungs while his arms punch so quickly that they’re hardly even blurs. The wind begins to blow from behind both you and Anon, forcing you to flap a bit harder to stay airborne. Anon, meanwhile, is still doing his thing. “—ATATATATATATATATATATATATATAT-”
The wind turns into a nasty gale that you struggle to stay aloft in. What in the world is goi… Oh no. What did Anon call his thing? The Windy fist or something? “Anon! Stop!”
He just keeps going, unable to hear you over the sound of the wind and his loud mouth. “—TATATATATATATATATATATATATATATAT-”
Your wings give out, sending you to the ground as dark, rumbling clouds gather overhead. A tornado forms around the the still-ATATATAing human, picking up and spinning grass, small animals, and a very unfortunate Derpy Hooves.
“I don’t like this!” the mailmare cries before she’s swept away.
“Anon! You’re going to wreck the town!” You’re yelling at the top of your lungs, but you can’t even hear yourself over the wind.
Finally, he stops for just a moment, then draws his fist back one more time. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHAAAAAAAA!”
The fist is punched out so hard that everything, the stuff the tornado picked up, the howling wind, and even the tornado itself is send outward towards where Anon was aiming: the Everfree. The funnel of wind rips up trees as it flies, taking everything with it.
“I...I did it! I actually mastered the Fist of the North Wind©! This is such a joyous day, Rainbow-teme!” Anon exclaims as he grabs you up in a hug.
“Anon…Maybe you should…You should go hang out with Pinkie...I bet she needs you for something…” It’s all you can say past the shock of the insanity you just watched.
You’re not sure how long the hug lasts or when he drops you and leaves. The sight of guards in gleaming armor running up to you snaps you out of your stunned state. “Miss Dash!” the first one says in alarm as he skids to a stop before you. “Are you ok?”
He and his compatriots take a moment to look around at the devastated clearing, all of them sporting dropped jaws afterward. “W-what happened?” one of them asks timidly.
To your later shame, you just blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. “It was Anon… He twister-fisted me…”
Worst Pony done by 8th Sin.
You are Pinkie and your Pinkie sense is tingling.
Anon is coming.
You’ve set the bakery up to make a thousand batches of fruit cupcakes and you’re going to put him to the test. Today is the day you call him out on his impossible abilities.
You peer out the window for Anon, but there’s no sign. “Looking for someone, Pinkie Pie-san?” His sudden appearance causes all your fur to stand on end and you spin around to the darkest corner to see Anon step out of the shadows.
The two of you exchange looks, glaring at each other to see who can squint the hardest, but Anon has the advantage because he’s always practicing squinting. “I need your help.” Your tone is flat, a dull plea.
“How amusing that my long time-rival has come to me for help,” he sneers.
You have no idea how or when this rival thing started between you two. You’ve only gone along with it until you can work out how he’s able to break physics at will.
“Yes, I have to make one thousand batches of fruit cupcakes in just a few hours. I can’t do it on my own.”
Anon lets out a loud roaring laugh, except his lips don’t move until a few seconds after he stops. You pay no attention to that; that can be explained by something like ventriloquism. You’re waiting for the real show. “Stand back, pink one, I shall go at it alone.”
“Anon, it’s impossible to make that many batches by yourself.”
He quickly turns and glares at you, “And that is where you fail! I swear that as a warrior and man, I will complete the task set before me on my own.”
Anon claps his hands together before slowly pulling them away, revealing a sword in between. You use a hoof to prevent yourself from saying anything. You need something much better than that to call him out on.
“Watch and learn the way of the Forest-Tiger-White-Lily-Dragon-Fist-Dragon sword technique.” He then kicks the counter, sending all the fruit upwards. Time seems to slow, almost pausing as his sword flails about randomly. “HI-HI-HEE-HA-WOO-CHA-NEE-SAN-SUBARU-CHO!”
You watch on in awe as a flurry of blades hack and cut all the fruit as if he were some sort of fruit ninja. Anon then quickly places his blade by his side as the fruit stays suspended in midair before splitting into tiny cubes and falling perfectly into the bowls on the counter.
You bring up your second hoof to stop yourself. Anon could just be fast like Rainbow Dash and you’ve seen Applejack get all her apples to land in the bucket before. You need something better, something that is 100%, without a doubt impossible.
Without wasting another second, Anon begins to mix all the batter and fruit in together with the same speed as before. When each bowl is mixed, he pours it evenly into the cupcake trays and moves onto the next one. You start to stare at him, making note of every movement he makes. When he’s done, every bowl on the counter is filled with trays full of cupcake batter.
“So how are you going to cook them? We don’t have enough time to cook them even two at a time and the oven won’t fit more than two trays.” Your voice is gleeful and victorious. The moment you’ve been waiting for is coming up, you can sense it.
Anon kneels, closes his eyes, and hums. “OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHMMMMMMMM! YOSH!” He pulls out a scroll, cup of paint, and a brush and lays them flat on the floor. ”I will use an ancient technique passed down by my people to cook these cupcakes in but a moment, Pinkie Pie-san.”
You peer over his shoulder as he dips the brush and grips his sleeve before painting some funny symbols. In the symbols, you recognise a few.
↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A START
The symbols then glow and a bright, blinding flash of fire spews out of them. You cover your eyes from the light and peek through them when Anon gives a joyful laugh. As you look around the room, there’s no burn marks, or smell of fire. It’s as if it never happened.
But then you look at the cupcakes and your eyes widen in shock as you freeze, unable to comprehend how this happened. They’ve risen several inches and are golden brown, cooked perfectly. Better than any cupcake you’ve ever seen before.
Anon rises to bow towards you. “The task is complete, Pinkie Pie-san. You are very much welcome.” His words snap you out of your daze and you open your mouth to speak, but he’s already thrown one of those smoke balls.
After the smoke clears and you’ve finished coughing and spluttering, you see Anon has left. “BULLSHIT! I DON’T… HOW EVEN!?”
Author's Note
Translations for Twilight's things (all done in Google Translate, because none of us are weeaboos):
"How may I be of assistance?"
"Please, Twilight-sempai!"
"As a corresponding respectable Asian I am entitled to help you."
"You are already dead."
"Anything else Twilight-sempai?"
