Doctor Derp and his Deviously Ingenuous Evil Plan of Nefariousness

by TheFoxern

Rating: everyone
Tags: Daring Do, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other
Length: 1973

Correction, Doctor Derpicus. Evil schemes, from a tiny- ...body. An unexpected source for Equestria's greatest evil genius. Only one pony can stop him, but does she stand a chance against such brilliance?

The title is incorrect, but the writer refuses to make a correction as it looks better this way. But he wishes to make it very clear that it is Doctor Derpicus, not Doctor Derp. Within Goldie's cottage lies the most evil of creatures... Doctor Derpicus. Evil schemes, from a tiny- ...body. An unexpected source for Equestria's greatest evil genius. Only one pony can stop him, but does she stand a chance against such brilliance? He thinks not. Not this time.

((This story has been roughly edited.))
Author Note:
Uh. Yeah, so this is a thing that kinda exploded outta my head. I'm not sure if it's "comedy" but it is quite silly. But "silly" is not a category, so comedy it is!

Published 2014-01-16 11:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-16 11:20:01 UTC

Doctor Derpicus and The Plan

“Is everything going according to plan?” Doctor Derpicus sat upon his usual pile of books, or the throne as he called it. It was comfortable and it imposed himself on his minions. It might as well be a throne for he was royalty. How exactly isn't in these notes, merely the fact that he is. But it was Whiskers that had his attention now. Whiskers was a good minion.

“Yes sir. The feeder should be back promptly with the new recruits.” Though his words were encouraging, it was obvious that something was bothering him.

“And, what else is there to report?” It would only take a little bit of prodding to get him to tell him. Whiskers was good, but he did not hide things very well.

He fidgeted under his gaze. “Well...some of the others, not me, well, they were thinking that-”

“Sir!” Another minion leaped in from the side and scrambled to lay down. “We've spotted movement!”

Doctor Derpicus rolled his eyes and sighed. “It is just the feeder returning, we-”

“No sir, it's others. Unknowns!”

“What?!” He leaped onto his feet and looked around quickly. “Quickly! Hide the plans! Hide the weapon and activate cute and cuddly mode!” Suddenly there was a bustle of activity. “Mr. Fluffy, run blockade on the door. Blast, what a time for the feeder to be out...”

He moved quickly to the window. “See, sir?”

“Yes, I see Pooples...” Through the grime and the boards on the window he could just make out several figures. “Blasted ponies...”

“What are we going to do?” The cat known as Mr. Fluffy was pushing several things, including horseshoes, in front of the door.

“They're reading something... Ah, of course. The feeder must have left a note... There will be consequences for her not informing me of guests,” he said as he moved away from the window. “Someone please make a note that I am to come up with some sort of dastardly consequence.”

“Feeder spotted!” Pooples cried and bounded from the door. After a moment, there were attempts to open it and the flank of Goldie was forced inside.

“Oh, I am sorry about this. I wasn't exactly expectin' company.”

“Such lies. She is trying to thwart me, I know it,” he mumbled as he rubbed his face. “Cute mode!” He hissed.

He missed what else she said, but she was finally inside. “Ooh! Ah! Get off of that, Mr. Fluffy.” In a panic, Mr. Fluffy jumped from the pile, “Come on, Pooples... Come here, sweetheart...” She began throwing much outside the door and after a moment opened it wide.“Come on in! Sorry about the mess!”

In an attempt to be cute, there was a chorus of meows and other noises. He watched the ponies enter, before moving across the room. “Bruce,” he whispered.

The cheetah paused in it's grooming. “Yes boss?” Why she has a cheetah, is not elaborated on, but honestly this would probably be more interesting from his point of view.

They were doing...something. Talking a lot of nonsense. Something about a family tree. “If I give the signal, you charge. Got it?”

“Yes boss.” There were several seconds of silence as Doctor Derpicus stared at him. “Charge at who, boss?”

That was a good question, which of them would be the biggest threat? Probably the big red one. What were they doing now, getting all scrunched up together like- a flash sent every cat scattering for cover.

It was several minutes before they had realized the ponies had gone outside. “Mr. Fluffy, go and see what they are doing.”

“They look like they're leaving,” Pooples said from the window. How he could see so clearly through that window Doctor Derpicus would never know. But oh how it was useful.

“Still. Go and report anything suspicious.” With that the orange cat moved outside, as did several others. There was a moments pause. “Nevermind Bruce. Continue what you were doing.” Actually after reading a bit further, no it wouldn't. Bruce takes too many naps. Doctor Derpicus moved across the room. “Now, where in blazes was Dusty during this emergency?”

There was the general feeling of something not being told to him. “W-well...” It was Whiskers. “The feeder...she destroyed Lieutenant Dusty.”

“What? Blast that mare!” He stalked over quickly to what was left of Dusty. It was true. “Drat. Now I must find a new second in command.” He immediately turned to Whiskers, hesitated a moment. “Begin making a list of possible candidates.”

But Dusty would be hard to replace. He never talked back and always agreed with him. It would be difficult. “They've gone, sir,” Whiskers said as he moved back inside. Followed by Goldie.

Doctor Derpicus moved quickly and sat down in front of her. “How dare you not inform me of guests.”

“And they took the wagon,” Whiskers whispered.

“Surely not!” he said, staring at Whiskers who nodded. “And you gave up our wagon! That was a vital part of the plan!”

“Oh now don't be so fussy, Mr. Derp.” She picked him up.

“It is Doctor. Doctor Derpicus!” Though he did not struggle. One does not harm the feeder. “I did not get a Doctorate in Evil Genius to be called mister!” It's a thing apparently.

“Oh shush now Dr. Derp,” she said with a grin. Well, at least it's a compromise on some front. After all, she was very useful. Technically it was her home that they used as a base of operations and she provided food. Oh and pets. And scratches.

“Please put me down,” he said, frowning at her. “Honestly, this is no way to treat an evil genius.”

“Ok Dr. Derp. You play nice now,” she said as she put him down. Finally. Now that the interruption was over it was time to get back to work.

“Whiskers!” The cat plodded quickly to him. “Without the cart, this will delay our plans...but it gives us time for less important tasks. Show me the new recruits.”

There were not many. But then again, Bootsy had quite the eye for talent and was picky this close to the end. “Sir,” this was Bootsy, a tall Siamese, “slim pickings I'm afraid to report. But Oscar here is pretty sharp.”

A tuxedo cat stood up straight. “Sir! It's an honor to be recruited.”

He looked the cat up and down, but said nothing. It wasn't that he personally had something against tuxedos, but something always seemed a bit too...proper. But he would trust Bootsy on this, she'd never steered him wrong with a recruit. Her recommendations were always good and there was something about those yellow eyes that looked...determined. And he did not seem to be phased by his scrutinizing glare. “Welcome.” He looked over the other two cats. “You've come at a grand time. I- I mean we, are close to accomplishing our greatest achievement known to catdom! But more on this later. See that Bootsy gets you all situated.”

Doctor Derpicus returned to his throne to contemplate. Things had not been going terribly smooth. Especially with the loss of the wagon. That had been a key piece in The Plan. But he could do without it. “Sir?” Whiskers was beside him.

“What is it?” He glared at Whiskers. How dare he interrupt his internal thoughts.

Whiskers drew back. “Uh...well...uhm...dome of the others, not me, were kind of wondering...uhm...if you would...uh...give some sort of...speech?”

“A speech?” Oh yes, a speech. It had been a while since he had motivated his minions. But he didn't have Dusty anymore to bounce thoughts off of. “Mmm yes...I suppose one is in order.” He sat straight and cleared his throats. “Minions!” He shifted a bit as he waited for their attention. “It is a glorious day. Today sees us one step closer to accomplishing The Plan. Though we have struggled, and fought, we have not been stopped. We have persevered and come out triumphant!” There was a general mewling of agreement and something getting knocked over. “Soon, we will carry out The Plan and then-”

“Din din time~” Goldie had brought out several dishes of food.

“Blast it you...” He had lost their attention now. Curse the feeder. All it took was those words, and- did he smell fish?

After dinner, he felt quite satisfied, but he had forgotten where he had left off. “But I digress. I personally want to thank you all for your loyalty. There is nothing that I like more, than a minion who is-” a knock at the door. Pooples wasn't at his post and every cat in the room turned to look at the door as Goldie walked to the door.

“Oh, hello deary,” she said as she opened the door.

“Daring Do!” Doctor Derpicus exclaimed and there was a general scattering of cats. “This can't be! How did you know? Bruce! Get her!” He looked over at Bruce, who was asleep. “Curse that narcolepsy!”

Daring Do looked at him a moment and then at Goldie. “Evening Goldie. Sorry, this shouldn't take long,” she said with a sigh. “I got your invitation,” she said as she held out a piece of paper.

Oscar snatched it from her and quickly delivered it to him. He read aloud, “Dear Daring Do, blah blah blah, cordially invited to Goldie's cottage, blah blah, stop us if you can, blah blah, with love, Dusty.” Silence fell. He threw the letter down, shaking his paws. “Curse you Dusty! Curse you and your betrayal!”

“Yeah, so...what's the scheme this time? Stealing everypony's yarn, again?” She had to move slowly in through the room to avoid knocking anything over. “Something about catnip? Oh, or my favorite, that one time you tried to build a giant mouse and threatened ponies.”

“Oh that one was a hoot,” Goldie said, chuckling. “It was so adorable.”

“Yeah, until those owls came,” Daring Do said, chuckling. “They tore the thing apart.”

“And Dr. Derp threw his little tantrum and-”

“Cease talking of me as though I am not here!” he said, stomping his paws into his throne. “I am an evil genius and this time...this time, you will take me seriously!” He leaped back and pulled down a large canvas. “For I...have this!”

“And what's that?” Daring Do said, as she looked at her reflection in the mirror.

“Oh that old thing? Some kinda magical doohickey,” Goldie explained. “Never could get it working, or figure out what it was even supposed to do. Belonged to my great-great-great-great aunt Apapple.”

“Ah, but you see...I, have discovered it's secrets!” He pulled a piece of paper from behind it, waving it around in triumph. “I will use it's power, to steal all the worlds fish! Then, you ponies will have to go through us to get your fish!”

“I...well, that is actually a fairly good plan, except most ponies don't eat fish,” Daring Do sat down, looking at the mirror.

There was a long, drawn out silence. The only thing that could be heard was the snickering of Goldie. “I...” Doctor Derpicus stared blankly at Daring Do and then down at the paper. Then back at Daring Do. Then at Goldie. Back to the paper. Back to Daring Do. Still there was silence.

“Now, if that's all, I think I'm going to go home,” Daring Do said as she sat back up.

“Oh wont you stay for a cup of tea?” Goldie said, moving towards the kitchen.

Daring Do shook her head. “Oh no, I couldn't. I've so much to do. I only stopped by because I was passing through.”

Suddenly, the mirror flashed. “Foolish pony! You think that is all the power the mirror posses?”

She looked at Doctor Derpicus and suddenly emotions ran through her. A powerful urge-

Hold on.

The writer is not going to write that.