The municipality of Ponyville was unique among the towns, villages, and other assorted urban centers of Equestria for several reasons. The relaxed, laid-back attitude enjoyed by its residents, the predictable weather patterns conducive to agriculture and general frivolity, and most notably, the site of many an apocalyptic disaster. Yes, Ponyville was quite different and prone to its fair share of troubles but it did possess a saving grace in the form of six rather unique ponies, each armed with a weaponized version of what made them ‘special’. Hardly a foolproof means of defense but a fairly dependable thus far at the very least.
Certainly a notion that Twilight Sparkle would agree with.
Of course, there comes a time in every magical pony’s life when they encounter a problem that the usual bombardments of generosity, loyalty, kindness, laughter, honesty, and even magic simply cannot solve. While few and far-between, such instances do transpire and are always much more complex with farther-reaching, all-encompassing consequences than your everyday run-of-the-mill catastrophe, especially when they hail from a source exalted by all and lauded as being nigh-invincible.
This is one of those instances.
***
Ponyville was a town blessed by many a beautiful sunrise, a fact for which Twilight was grateful as she yawned and slowly opened her eyes to the warm, golden rays. She grunted as she stretched her limbs, feeling the sleepy sensations wash away as she regained consciousness. She sat up and looked over at Spike as the young dragon also awoke, intending to offer him a morning salutation, which she did.
“Who was phone?” Twilight’s eyes widened as she quickly covered her muzzle. What was that, she wondered as Spike looked at her with a quizzical expression.
“Lolwut?” he asked before clasping a scaly hand over his own mouth.
“Who was phone!?” she repeated frantically. “Who was phone!?”
“Lol u mad?” Spike asked with a shrug, seemingly unconcerned with such a radical turn of events. Twilight, unfortunately, was not quite as amused as her draconic dependent.
“What is this I don’t even…?” Twilight muttered, taking deep breaths as she endeavored to calm down and get a grip on herself and the situation at hoof.
“I’m 12 and what is this?” Spike asked, curiosity beginning to get the better of him.
“How do I shot web!?” Twilight cried in frustration over her apparent and inexplicable inability to communicate like a sane individual.
“Bitch please,” Spike replied, throwing up a dismissive hand. “I ain’t even mad.”
“Is this real life?” Twilight murmured, staring at her front hooves incredulously.
“You’re a wizard, Twilight,” Spike reminded her, prompting the unicorn for an explanation…probably. He could’ve just as easily been asking for a sandwich.
“No rly?” Twilight shot back, rolling her eyes.
“Problem?” the dragon asked slyly, clearly enjoying the rather strange turn of events.
“IMMA FIRIN’ MAH LAZAR!” Twilight exclaimed as her horn lit up. There was a bright flash, momentarily blinding them both before a violent magical explosion rocked the library, coating their faces in soot. “I think I accidently’d the library,” Twilight lamented with a groan and a face-hoof.
“Boom goes the dynamite!” Spike exclaimed as he coughed up black dust.
“Your argument is invalid,” Twilight muttered through gritted teeth. “This is serious business.”
***
And “serious business” it was indeed. As they made their way across town, it seemed as though every citizen of Ponyville had become afflicted with some kind of aggravating-yet-semi-amusing speech impediment. Forced by unknown forces to spout nothing but nonsense, the lack of communication was beginning to take its toll on the mental well-being of Ponyville. As such, Twilight wasted no time gathering her friends, her fellow Elements-in-arms, for a discussion on how to rid them and everypony else of the blight.
Well, ‘discussion’ might not be the most accurate term.
Rather, what ensued was a cacophony of unintelligible discourse; grammatically defunct regurgitations of every imaginable curse word along with whimsical, offensive, and improbable phrases flew through the air above the wildly debating Element-bearers as they stumbled towards a conclusion. Unsurprisingly, the only pony who seemed to be enjoying themselves was Pinkie Pie, while the rest quarreled with ungraceful and facetious banter.
“Who was phone!? Who was phone!?” Twilight repeated for the 9,000th time.
“FIRST!” Pinkie shouted happily as she bounced uncontrollably around the library. “First, first, first, first, first…”
“I can haz cheeseburger, desu?” Fluttershy asked meekly before realizing the implications of her request. “No wait, desu!” She squeaked in embarrassment. “Desu! Desu!”
“U just mad ‘cuz I’m stylin’ on ya,” Rarity dismissed, giving up on ever getting her point across, much to Twilight’s chagrin.
“Why can’t I hold all these limes?” Applejack demanded, hoping for an explanation.
“Delete System32!?” Twilight cried in exasperation for lack of a better suggestion.
“Ain’t nopony got time for dat!” Rainbow interjected, clearly opting for action over answers. “Y u no have answer?” she demanded, pointing an accusing hoof at Twilight.
“Oh, do a barrel roll!” Twilight shot back, trying to concentrate.
“You dun goofed,” Applejack stated a-matter-of-factly, putting a comforting hoof around the purple unicorn.
“Bitch please,” Twilight replied dismissively before sighing. “I don’t always herp…but when I herp, I derp.” She looked at Applejack. “How do I shot web?”
“Badgers!” the farmer exclaimed loudly, causing everyone to halt their arguments and look at her. She scratched the back of her neck nervously. “Ha, ha, disregard that, I suck cocks.” Her hooves flew to her muzzle but not before Rainbow burst out laughing.
“BOOM HEADSHOT!” she exclaimed as Applejack glared up at her.
“Consequences will never be the same, Rainbow!”
“Oooh, badass over here!”
“TITS OR GTFO!” Twilight shouted over the warring mares as she tried to establish some semblance of order. The outburst succeeded; five mares stood staring at her as she panted and attempted to compose herself. “Everpony’s getting’ raped up in here. But…I backtraced the cancer that is killing Ponyville!” With that, she produced a map and proudly pointed to Canterlot.
“Not bad…” Rainbow nodded appreciatively.
“Not bad…” Applejack agreed.
“Not bad, desu…” Fluttershy added.
“Me gusta!” Rarity exclaimed.
“I LIKE TRAINS!” Pinkie shouted excitedly as she vanished at warp-speed out the door in the direction of the train station. With a sigh, Twilight and the others followed her out.
***
After the clusterfuck that was their previous ‘discussion’, there wasn’t much talk during the subsequent train ride to Canterlot. As her friends quietly kept to themselves, Twilight occupied herself with a combination of staring out the window and thinking hard about what could’ve caused their current predicament. Discord was the first and most obvious suspect, save for the fact that she had traced the strange magic to Canterlot as opposed to Fluttershy’s cottage, the draconequis’ current place of residence. So what did that leave? Twilight couldn’t figure it out; they’d never encountered anything that caused such a strange and unique effect, the closest being Poison Joke.
Hopefully, Princess Celestia would have an explanation for the trollery afoot.
Of course, one does not simply ‘walk’ into Canterlot when the entire world has devolved into pure lunacy, as Twilight and the Element Corps would soon find out. The sheer amount of motherfuckery that literally slapped them in the face upon exiting the train was positively staggering. Everywhere they turned, miscommunications both tragic and fantastic turned the city into mush as society plummeted towards a hilarious and rocky bottom. It was clear that time was of the essence.
“Who was phone!? Who was phone!?” Twilight cried as panicking ponies jostled them as they ran amok, unable to communicate effectively or sensibly.
“Badgers!” Pinkie cried, apparently still quite pleased with the situation. “Badgers, badgers, badgers, badgers, badgers, badgers, badgers, badgers, badgers, badgers, badgers, badgers, badgers, badgers, badgers, badgers…” she sang, unaware of the twitch in Twilight’s right eye.
“FFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU…” the purple unicorn screamed into the sky, prompting Pinkie to laugh in response.
“U mad?” she asked with a wry grin.
“Consequences will never be the same, Pinkie!” Twilight warned, mirroring Applejack’s earlier ultimatum.
Earlier ultimatum…
It was then that she paused; in the middle of the din around her, she plopped down on her haunches as her mind went into overdrive. Enough was enough! There had to be a way to communicate! Come on, Twilight, come on, Twilight, she thought as she wracked her frustrated brain for the answer.
And then, out of fucking nowhere…a spark!
“The cake is a lie!” she exclaimed triumphantly, prompting the others to look at her quizzically. “The cake is a lie! The cake is a lie!” she repeated for emphasis.
“You don’t say?” Rainbow replied, rolling her eyes.
“Desu?”
“…mushroom, mushroom…”
“Attention Elements! My hair is trying to tell you something!” Twilight shouted, revelling over the fact that, through unknown means, a somewhat sensible statement had somehow leaked through the bullshit filter.
“That’s all well and good but what are your thoughts on yaoi?” Rarity asked, curious and hopeful that Twilight had found a solution.
“Who was phone, Twi?” Applejack asked, curious as well.
“SNAKE, SNAKE, OH, SNAKE, SNAKE…”
“It’s not pop tarts! Or Lupus!” Twilight exclaimed, trying to get the message across, trying desperately to reveal that they had to communicate by context and make educated guesses. Focusing every ounce of willpower and mental fortitude, she forced herself to utter something that at the very least made an ounce of sense. “One does not simply misunderstand context!” she cried.
There was silence (relatively speaking) among the group as they pondered the implications of Twilight’s revelation.
“What is this I don’t even…?” Rainbow asked with a shrug. Twilight face-hoofed.
“You must be new here.”
“I ain’t even mad, desu.” Fluttershy assured her with a smile.
“I see what you did there!” Pinkie exclaimed, pausing her song as she focused on Twilight. “Did you just cause a major plot hole, completely wreck any semblance of continuity, and summon a bunch of monsters in one sentence?”
“U mad?” Twilight asked slyly. Pinkie gasped.
“But that’s against the rules!”
“Screw the rules, I have magic!” Twilight shouted defiantly. She grinned at her friends. “After all…WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM!?” Her horn crackled with energy and her grin shifted into an expression of confidence bordering on the narcissistic. “I’M THE GODAMN BATMARE!”
“Fuck yeah!” Rainbow and Applejack shouted in unison.
“Um…yay…desu?” Fluttershy offered.
“Haters gonna hate!” Rarity added with a smile.
“You’re our waifu, Twilight!” Pinkie chimed in, grabbing her in a spine-rendering hug.
“The cake is a lie! When you see it…bricks will be shat!” Twilight announced, pointing towards the castle in the distance. “We’re taking the hobbits to Isengard!”
“Challenge accepted!” Rainbow shouted, eager to confront the cancer that was plaguing Equestria.
“Fuck yeah!” Applejack agreed.
“Not sure if want, desu…” Fluttershy murmured nervously.
“Me gusta!” Rarity added enthusiastically. With that, they took off towards the castle with a reluctant Fluttershy in tow.
***
“I wonder what’s for dinner,” Twilight mused as they wandered about the castle in search of their sovereigns. They had entered the castle quickly and without incident, much to the chagrin of the growing crowd of frustrated citizens. She sympathized with them; with such a strange and debilitating scenario turning their lives into their own private Hells, their frustration was well-founded. Even so, she was grateful for the small army of silent and stoic guards preventing the crowd from overrunning the place. “Who was phone? Is this real life?” Frustration was beginning to set in; after hours of searching, nothing had turned up except for empty rooms, and with all the guards deployed to maintain order, there was no one around to ask.
“The cake is a lie, she said,” Rainbow said with a groan. “Go to the castle, she said. It’ll be an adventure, she said.” She gulped as Twilight shot her a venomous glare. “Heh, heh, disregard that, I suck cocks.”
“This is serious business, guise!” Twilight exclaimed in frustration. “I backtraced it! I just don’t know what went wrong!”
“Your princess is in another castle, Twi,” Applejack surmised as they checked yet another empty room.
“Bitch please,” Twilight retorted, rolling her eyes. “Your argument is invalid.”
“U mad?” Rainbow asked, coming to Applejack’s defense. “Everpony’s getting’ raped up in here! The princess 404’d!”
“Fucking eagles…” Twilight muttered under her breath. “Do a barrel roll!”
“Y u mad tho, desu?” Fluttershy asked. Twilight opened her mouth to retort but thought better of it and sighed instead.
“I ain’t even mad,” Twilight replied apologetically, putting a hoof around Fluttershy and soon after, the others as well. “I’m never gonna give you up.”
“Never gonna let you down,” Pinkie sang.
“Never gonna run around, and dessert you,” Rainbow added.
“Never gonna make you cry,” Rarity chimed in.
“Never gonna say goodbye,” Fluttershy piped up, quietly yet enthusiastically. “Desu…”
“Never gonna tell a lie, and hurt you!” Applejack finished as they partook in a group hug.
Minutes later…
One of the great universal constants is that, no matter the situation, the most obvious place in which to find what one is seeking is always the last place one seeks. One would think that the throne room would be numero uno on Twilight’s list of places to check but, as irony would have it, it was often her own intellectual prowess that coerced her into missing certain details others might find obvious. Still, ‘better late than never’, as the adage goes, and after a few hours of careful searching that yielded zero results, the frustrated company finally arrived at the throne room and the ferocious motherfuckery could begin anew.
“Problem?” a familiar voice called from the opposite end of the room. There was a collective gasp as the six friends beheld the last sight they expected to see. Upon her throne sat none other than the fair Princess Celestia, wearing a wry grin.
“B-b-b…” Twilight sputtered as her friends looked on, completely speechless. “Who was phone!?”
“I like trains!” Pinkie sang.
“You’re the cancer that is killing Equestria?” Twilight continued with a shocked expression.
“It’s a trap, desu!” Fluttershy exclaimed, quietly.
“Is this real life?” Rainbow asked, rubbing her eyes as Applejack did the same.
“What is this I don’t even…” Twilight murmured, almost too shocked for words. “FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU…”
“Bitch please,” Celestia replied with a dismissive wave. “I don’t always troll…but when I do, I trololololol.” Immediately, a strange, otherworldly song began to play over the castle’s P.A system. Doing her best to ignore the piece, Twilight concentrated on the issue at hoof.
“Challenge accepted!” a shrill, excited voice exclaimed from among the confused group. Twilight felt herself being whisked into a huddle, spearheaded by none other than Pinkie Pie.
“First!” she announced. “Step 1: Magic. Step 2: Magic. Step 3: ????. Step 4: PROFIT!” The group gave her a blank look.
“You must be new here…” Applejack muttered with a face-hoof.
“Celestia!” Twilight called.
“Trollestia!”
“Celestia!”
“Trollestia!”
“CELESTIA!” Twilight bellowed.
“U mad, muh boi?” Celestia asked smugly.
“Your argument is invalid!”
“Lol y u mad tho?”
“‘CAUSE YOU HAVE PHONE!” the prodigy cried in a sudden moment of lucidity. That was it! It was so simple! Celestia had phone! Celestia had phone!
Oh, and Pinkie Pie was totally right. About everything. Ever.
“O rly?” the devious princess asked. Twilight grinned as her horn started to glow.
“Ya rly!”
“For graet justice!” Rarity cried.
“Challenge accepted!” Celestia announced as her horn lit up as well. Twilight gritted her teeth as she felt raw power well up inside her, shaking the floor beneath her feet and forcing small chunks to dislodge and float around her. Celestia did the same, raw energy coursing around her as they raced to attain power.
“Pinkie! What does the scanner say about her power level!?” Twilight called over her shoulder. Wasting no time, the party-providing pastel pony produced a pink power proofing piece and put it on like one would don a pair of spectacles.
“It’s over 9,000!” she exclaimed in awe as everyone else gasped.
“What, 9,000!” Twilight shouted in disbelief. She knew the princess was strong but…over 9,000? Be that as it may, she couldn’t allow that to deter her, not when so much was at stake. She felt her body reach its limit and aimed her horn right at the awful, sideways grin smeared all over Celestia’s regal visage.
“I’MMA FIRIN’ MAH LAZAR!” Celestia announced as a bright beam exploded from her horn.
“DOCTOR OCTAGONAPUS BLAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUU!” came Twilight’s answer as she responded in kind.
***
There wasn’t much left of the throne room after the smoke cleared. It turned out that two immensely powerful beams produced by irrationally powerful beings divided everything in the blast radius by zero, thereby reducing everything within to microns. Or some other weird-ass physics shit; I don’t even. Anyway, the silence was broken up by the loud coughs of seven ponies, each absolutely covered in dust, and each afraid to open their mouths lest the plague be still upon them.
Proof that dividing by zero was serious business.
Before anyone could speak, a strange figure appeared where the two beams had originally collided. Clad in a thick purple cloak, the tall being looked around at the bewildered, speechless ponies, regarding them with the strange machinery that covered the left side of its face. Finally, it stopped looking around and gave them a smile.
“How are you gentlemen?”
All at once, a new feeling of pure, abject horror took root in Twilight’s heart, spreading rapidly until she was nigh consumed by it. Displeased with its current host, the feeling of dread jumped from pony to pony until even the mighty Celestia was forced to her knees. The figure smiled again.
“All your base are belong to us.”
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“FALCON PUUUUUUNCH!” And then Pinkie Pie came out of freaking nowhere and used the most powerful attack of all time ever, dividing by zero yet again, and sending the evil figure into a universe with absolutely no bases in it. Forever. Thus, saving the world and ending the motherfuckery.
TEH END
Author's Note
Slightly edited to improve readability.
