I Blame You

by Whitestrake

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Main 6, Lyra, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Trixie, Queen Chrysalis, Random, Adventure
Length: 111199

The product of my friend and I having a Skype call that went to the subject of 'What if...'

This is pretty much a self-insert, mostly done for comedic purposes.
After a mishap with an invention of mine, a friend and I find ourselves in the magical land of Equestria. How will the peaceful land of Equestria handle the influx of two humans? Will Jay and I ever find a way back home? Will anyone give this story a fair shot? Read and find out.
Things that actually involve MLP:FiM begin in the second chapter.

Published 2012-03-18 23:44:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-03-30 04:50:46 UTC

Poor Choice Of Words

The fuck just happened? The last thing I remember is firing the FTL gun, then nothing. I'm cold, wet, partially submerged in some sort of muck. Insects sounded off all around me, while the winter had been unusually warm, it did not warrant the emergence of summer's favorite nightmare fuel. I flexed my hands and feet, still there, I sniffed the air, swampy. My eyes opened, and my world turned upside down.

I was in a wooded area of some sort, a mixture of tropical and deciduous plant-life surrounded me. I sat up, and a wave dizziness swam through my head, standing made it that much worse. I felt around myself, searching my pockets for anything that may be useful. My wallet, while valuable, was out of the question, same with my keys. I patted my legs and found just what I needed, my most useful tool: a survival knife with a ten-inch fixed blade in a leg sheath. Double edged tip, a saw on the back, with a hollow handle for storing necessities: four anywhere matches, a compass in the pommel, fish hooks with line.

I looked around for a bit longer, seeing no other options, I headed east.

$%$%$%$%$%$

Jay had no idea where he was. One minute, he's dicking around with his friend, the next, he's being chased though a forest by something. The teen ran around a tree, he kept turning in an effort to lose his pursuer. The band student was, by no means, athletic, it didn't help that he was in flip-flops and bargain bin shorts. The forest was chilly, but humid, and the young man found himself sweating and panting long before he normally would have.

Ducking behind a boulder, he waited for his stalker to pass him. A big cat of some sort, likely a cougar, ran by. Jay had never been around big predators before, and the experience was spine-chilling. Whatever it was, it seemed to have lost track of him, Jay breathed a sigh of relief. The young man crept out from behind the boulder, and tried to get his bearings.

Nothing out of the ordinary, the plants all resembled what he'd seen near his home. He assumed he was still in Walker County, that it was just cold for a March day. The explosion might have made him fly into the woods, but that didn't explain why Taylor wasn't around. Wouldn't he have landed nearby?

Jay was very aware that he had no idea about navigation. He also knew that the odds of being found in the middle of Bumfuck, Nowhere were pretty low. The highschool band flute player set off in a random direction.

Besides, it's not like he could get lost any more than he already was.

%$%$%$%$%$%

What the hell was my truck doing in a pool of quicksand? The dark green Chevy was almost completely hidden by the suctioning muck, its tailgate was the only thing that remained visible. She was probably totaled. Damn, I really liked the old girl, too. I shook my head, this was no time to get sentimental. I knew that something had gone horribly, horribly wrong with the FTL gun, and that accident had resulted in an explosion of some sort.

I stopped walking, there was movement nearby, something big, quadruped by the rhythm. I ducked behind some foliage and tried to be as invisible as possible. A... lion of some sort sauntered onto the rudimentary path that I had somehow found myself on. A small pair of mammalian wings rested on its back, and a scorpion tail swished through the air to its rear. What the blueberry fuck was going on here? I was looking at the manticore of legend, a monster that could swallow corpses in a matter of seconds! Jesus H. Christ, I needed to find that gun, and fast.

The beast sniffed the air, apparently it was looking for something. I hoped it wasn't hungry, Taylor stew doesn't sound too appetizing. I slid the knife from its sheath, just in case I needed it, and attempted to quietly escape. A twig had other plans, breaking under my foot with a snap. the beast and I locked eyes, and I took off like a bat out of hell.

My worn pair of Redwing boots wasn't that comfortable to run in, but it'd have to do. The manticore had the advantage of speed, but I had my wits and knife. The run back to my truck was short, made shorter by the half-ton monster trying to eat me. The tailgate and a fair portion of the bed were exposed. Oh, right, things in quicksand bob up and down, good.

With a renewed fervor, I leaped on the tailgate, slid down the sloping bed, and sat my ass down in the muck. My knife was ready to meet flesh, just as the beast jumped and smacked into the framework. It leaned its head over the side of the truck. “Big mistake, asshole.” I thrust the blade upward.

It sunk into the beast's jaw, the gap between the side, and wedged into its skull. With a harsh tug, I freed the blade, and feline ran away. I was aware of the forest's eyes on me, as though every living thing knew I didn't belong here, that I’d violated some taboo in the natural order of things.

With a raised middle finger, I resumed my trip east.

$%$%$%$%$%$

Jay watched in awe as the lion-thing from earlier ran by him, it didn't even stop to attack. A small trail of blood marked its path, and the flute player was quick to avoid its origin. The young man's heart kicked into overdrive as he saw the border of the forest on the horizon. Running seemed like the best course of action, but that would alert other, possibly larger, predators nearby. What to do, what to do? Throwing caution to the wind, the teen started at an easy jog.

It was only during this moment of relative peace that he was able to truly observe his surroundings. The plants, both those he was familiar with and exotic, provided for a semi-relaxing atmosphere. Nature here felt... pure, untamed, like something to be respected. Jay was about halfway to the exit when he heard a familiar thumping behind him. He turned his head, and saw the same manticore from earlier chasing him, blood covering its chest. Jay kicked out of his flip-flops and high-tailed it towards freedom.

The brambles tore at his skin, but he wanted out and away from that thing. The open air was so refreshing, the sun was shining, and whatever the hell that monster lion was had stopped chasing him. Rows of trees filled his view, ordered, evenly distanced from each other. A sign of civilization! Jay tried to find the farmhouse or work shed, the ordered trees hinted at the existence of both. He needed a phone, a bath, and something to calm him down. A gasp made him turn.

Just in time to see two orange legs slam into his pelvic region.

Jay Hates Buckets

Jay's being chased by the manticore, I’m pretty sure he'll be okay. After all, the guy's too scrawny to make a decent meal for any large predator. It'll probably just maim him... huh, that's odd. The manticore gave up immediately after Jay ran out, but why? Something about the area outside had it spooked, perhaps civilization? It seems unlikely, but possible. We'd just survived an explosion that I’m not even sure is scientifically possible, I’m going to push my luck as far as can, then I'm going to grab it for a bit more.

The manticore stared at me, slightly unsure about what to do. It knew I’d make a decent meal, but didn't know if the fight would be worth it. I'm pretty sure its stab wound still hurts, so if it has any sort of self preservation instinct, it won't fuck with me. I was right, the big cat crept off into the underbrush, leaving me quite alone. I climbed a tree to avoid the mutant lion's possible attack, it was scared of me, but probably hungry, and I was decently sized.

An orchard could be easily seen from my perch, apples or pears most likely. So, Jay found a farm, he's going to get shot, I just know it. Despite my vision being blurred by the distance, I knew it was the flute player by the awkward way he walked, I’d found his flip-flops a few dozen feet back. I can't see very clearly after about thirty or forty feet, but Jay's bright red shirt signaled his position.

An orange dot appeared in my field of vision, low to the ground by my best guess, perhaps three feet in height. What I wouldn't give for a pair binoculars right about now. The orange dot, more of a blob now, was getting closer to Jay, but seemed unaware of him, or was accustomed to people. I wasn't ruling out the possibility of it being a very fat midget, so the blob could have been a person for all I knew. Orangey Blob was getting within arm's length of my friend now, I’m certain Jay can handle this situation.

Of course, that opinion changed when Orangey Blob slammed a limb into him. Then started tying him up, and another blob came around. Red Blob, my epic naming skills decided on the title, helped Orangey Blob pick my friend up, and carry him towards the farmhouse in the distance.

I think Jay may be in trouble.

I can't really do anything, they'd see me coming from a mile off. I need to wait, plan a course of action. Nightfall, when dusk rolls around, I’ll make my move. Prepare yourselves Red and Orangey, and quake with fear.

Nobody hurts and kidnaps my friends but me!

%$%$%$%$%$%

Mercy found itself present in Jay's ordeal, as he blacked out when struck. Of course, the universe is an asshole, and karma's a bitch, because now he was tied up in what appeared to be a hay loft. Well, he had technically found civilization, but he never imagined it'd be in this way. Oh god, Jay had seen Deliverance, he knew where this was going. He nearly shat himself when he heard overdone southern accents.

“D'ya have any idea what that thang is?”

“Nope.” Jay hoped Taylor would show up soon, hopefully before the sodomy. The flute player tried to wriggle from his binds, but they were too well done. The teen was stuck until either help arrived, he was set free, or he jury-rigged some method of escape. The highschooler kept trying, desperate to avoid being any possibly punishment the farmers may have for him.

“Ah think ah better get Twi' out here, she might know what ta do.” They were bringing more people? Jay's imagination was taking hold over his rational mind. Nothing they could do could possibly compete with his fears, the flutist knew that, but it gave no comfort. The knots around his ankles began to slack, an equal surge of hope was felt in his heart.

With his arms still pinned to his sides, Jay stood up. A few stray rays of light filtered through the roof and walls, the dusty air dispersing them into visible beams. The flutist jumped onto a hay bale below, and landed with a muted thump.

“Hmm?” Jay heard the masculine voice from earlier. It seemed he'd been alerted to the teen's efforts of escape. The barn door opened on slightly squeaking hinges, and a burst of sunlight hit Jay's eyes. Barefoot and scared, he ran through the open door, and didn't look back.

$%$%$%$%$%$

A red dot appeared from the barn, being chased by Red Blob. Well, at least Jay kind of escaped. I squinted my eyes to focus on him, it didn't help much. Something brown was wrapped around his torso, likely the rope from earlier. Red Blob was giving a good chase, but a scared teenager can run pretty damn fast. Jay stumbled a bit before regaining his top speed, the guy's lungs must have been burning by now. I think it was unfortunate that he tripped over a small bucket.

“The Immortal Bucket of Martin Septim strikes again,” I muttered to myself, trying to get some small shred of humor out of this situation. Wait a second... Orangey Blob was back, and it brought a friend: Purple Blob. Orangey did something, and my friend stopped squirming.

For the second time that day, Jay got knocked the fuck out.

%$%$%$%$%$%

Jay's head swam in a sea of dizziness. He was tied up again, but still outside. Where was Taylor when he needed him? The flutist swore he'd kick his friend in the dick when he saw him again. Jay kept his eyes closed in a valiant attempt to prevent amplifying his headache. What happened just then? Oh wait, he tripped over a bucket, how does that even happen?

“Twi, this is what Ah was talkin' 'bout.” That twang sounded oddly familiar to the flutist. “So... what is it?” Southern accents always slightly offended Jay, it's not that he identified with southerners, but the accents were overdone in movies.

“I... don't know, AJ, I’ve never seen anything like it.” That voice, Jay knew that voice. It sounded educated, but naive, an odd combination in people. Jay tried to maneuver, just to see his captor's face. They had him tied up, it was only fair that he see who they were. “It's moving!” The flutist opened his eyes, and stared into a pair of purple orbs.

Jay was looking into the eyes of Twilight Sparkle.

Are You Kidding Me?

A special shout-out to Sine Wave for helping make my comments section the funniest one on FiMFiction.
And an equally special shout-out to St.Patrick for being such a good sport.
MicroUltraMad, when you requested shipping, just what pairings did you have in mind?

By the way, I had to explain to Jay what 'shipping' means, so thanks for that.
%$%$%$%$%$%

“HOLY SHIT!”

The exclamation made me jump, Orangey and Purple were still next to Jay, who had yelled. But why did he sound amazed? There can't be any possible reason to be happy about being tied up by farmers. Unless... unless his mind is making him think something wonderful is happening. Given Jay's low threshold for mental trauma, I suspected this was the case.

“JESUS MOTHERFUCKING CHR-” Jay's shout was cut off, they must have gagged him, I can't blame them for that. My friend, who was little more than a blurry, red dot at this distance, was still wiggling in the dirt, likely trying to speak through whatever it was had his mouth blocked with. I suppose it's odd that I'm thinking this, but doing nothing to help him. Was Jay starting to glow?

I rubbed my eyes to get dispel any trick they may have been playing. “Dammit,” I muttered. I'd only succeeded in making the blur worse. By the time I’d refocused, Jay, Orangey, and Purple were gone. Well, there goes any entertainment until nightfall, what am I going to do until then? Twiddle my thumbs?

Fuck that, I’m going to try to get my stuff from my truck.

$%$%$%$%$%$

Jay couldn't believe what was happening. He also didn't know whether to thank Taylor, or try to kick his ass. After all, he was being carried by Twilight Sparkle, so either the FTL gun had torn the universe a new asshole, or he had been drugged. Both were equally likely possibilities when dealing with his friend, after all, that laptop he made tried to kill the flutist on more than one occasion.

“I've never seen anything quite like this before.” Twilight was switching her attention between the path she and Applejack were walking on, and her 'captive'. The Unicorn studied the teen with an odd intensity, the sort one would use when observing a strange insect.

“It sure don' look like no critter ah've ever seen before.” Applejack could hit pretty damn hard, that fact had kept the flutist from attempting escape. Not that Jay would want to, this was the dream of just about every brony. However, given the number of ways shit could go south, he was having conflicted feelings about this. Those feelings only worsened as they entered Ponyville proper.

The town's actual population was at least twice what the show hinted at, and they were going straight through a rather large crowd. The teen was amazed that the ponies didn't run, but then he remembered that he was tied up, and being levitated. The flutist wasn't in a position to appear threatening, not by a long shot. In any case, the residents' lack of fear made the trip much more interesting.

He met the gaze of onlookers with his own stare. There were looks of intrigue, confusion, even one or two of disgust. All of those however, paled in comparison to the wide-eyed, fanatical look of a seafoam green Unicorn in the back.

Jay recalled her name being Lyra Heartstrings, one of Taylor’s personal favorites, too. Maybe that meme of her knowing about humans was true, if that was the case, the flutist knew his friend would shit a brick. That fact made him laugh into the rope that kept him from speaking.

“It's barkin' at somethin'.” Applejack didn't know what to think about the strange creature. It had used words, it might be able to understand them, but then again, Cousin Fritter had a parrot that could cuss like a sailor, didn't mean it was smart. The weird animal's barking tapered off and quickly stopped.

“I think it was... laughing.” Twilight looked at Jay, her head was tilted to the side, one of her lower eyelids was slightly raised. The flutist had seen a similar look on his friend's face numerous times, and had developed an instinctive fear of it. The teen attempted to back away from the mare, only to be stopped by the fact that he wasn't touching the ground.

Jay averted his eyes, and focused on finding something interesting in the crowd. Unfortunately, Lyra was gone, and the teen didn't recognize any other background ponies. Oh, wait, that was Doctor Whooves talking to Carrot Top and Roseluck. Whooves even returned Jay's gaze, almost like he recognized something about the flute player, and there was another possibly true meme.

“You're a lot smarter than we're giving you credit for, aren't you?” Twilight was still looking at him. That was probably the only reason Jay had even heard her say anything, she was just talking to herself. The flutist didn't try to answer in any way, he figured the dumb/weird animal approach would be best for now.

He only hoped Twilight didn't plan on performing a vivisection.

%$%$%$%$%$%

Okay, how the hell am I going to do this? My truck was on the up part of the bobbing cycle, most of the cab was visible. Thank you, buoyancy, you've saved my ass yet again. Unfortunately, there was still the matter of getting to the thing, and opening the door without making more muck rush inside. I took a running start, and jumped onto the bed. A few quick maneuvers and I was ready to pull the handle.

The quicksand, which I guess is much more like mud than actual quicksand, offered enough resistance to strain my muscles, which, needless to say, sucked. The inertia sent me tumbling into the muck, and, like a complete moron, I started struggling. After about five minutes, I stopped, amazed. My feet were touching the bottom, the mud was only about three feet deep.

I shut the driver's door and waded over to the passenger’s side. I may have been covered in putrid gunk from the middle of my stomach to my feet, but I’d be damned if I’d get my truck's cab dirty. Besides, the glove compartment had most of what I was looking for. Inside the storage box, I found an odd combination of items: a plastic ruler, my grandma's .38 Special with all chambers loaded, and my Fancy Driving Gloves of Awesomeness. Wait, why did I have a ruler in my truck? Never mind my grandma's revolver, that was normal, but seriously, a ruler?

I tucked the peacemaker into the back of my pants. I know most people put them in the front, but I’m not getting my dick blown off by a misfire. I could explain just about any sort of injury to my family, but that's pushing it. I'm a firm believer in practicality, if I lost my ability to reproduce, I don't know what I’d do, but it would probably involve this gun, my skull, and a bank robbery.

I shut the door and started to wade to the edge. This wasn't a bad haul, all things considered, and I could always find a tow-truck in that town I saw in the distance. It'd be a simple matter of getting my Chevy repaired, retrieving Jay from his blob kidnappers, and finding the laptop and FTL gun, but not necessarily in that order. The sound of a branch snapping brought me out of my thoughts. The goddamned manticore was back, just my luck, the mutant lion wanted to finish the job.

I shook my head, and pulled out the revolver.

“Sorry, you lion fuckwit, but the rape train ain't got no brakes.”

Peace Treaty

This has been nagging me a bit, I Blame You has progressed much faster than The Equestrian Bloodmoon in terms of views and tracks.
How does that happen?
$%$%$%$%$%$

Twilight's library home was near the center of town, by Jay's best guess. It, like many other things, was much larger than he had originally believed. The flutist took a mental note that the books were written in English, if he was untied, he'd at least have something to read. Applejack had taken the liberty of fetching Fluttershy, she probably hadn't gotten to the cottage, yet.

Twilight ran a number of noninvasive tests on the strange creature. She found it to be oddly compliant, perhaps she had been correct in her assumption. Even if the thing didn't have true sapience, it held a passing knowledge of commands. Perhaps its owner had taught it some tricks, Twilight giggled at the thought. Regardless of its intelligence, it was a fascinating subject.

Five fingers on each hand, which ended in blunt claws, a similar arrangement on its feet, but the appendages seemed to lack advanced grip capabilities. It seemed to lack any sort of fur, save for its head, obviously this creature was not meant for colder climates. Its small nose seemed inefficient for inhaling large volumes of air, so long periods of strenuous activity were probably out of the question. But, she supposed it could just use its mouth if it needed to work a lot.

Twilight was actually concerned for the creature's health. It appeared malnourished, to say the least. The strange thing was on the low end for muscle and body fat, perhaps it was at Sweet Apple Acres in search of food. Poor thing, Fluttershy would be able to help it once she arrived.

But its external physiology failed to hold as much of her attention as what it wore. Its glasses implied a visual impairment of some sort, and perhaps an owner that knew its needs. They were made for its exclusive use, too small to do anything but rest on her snout when she tried them on. It wore clothing, but not the sort Pinkie made Gummy wear on occasion, but the sort a pony would wear. The creature was wrapped in a simple, red shirt, by her best guess, with sleeves that ended a quarter of the way down its foreleg. Arm was the appropriate term, she reminded herself, her strange subject was bipedal. Short, brown leggings, which appeared to be for mobility rather than protection, were also present, with a button and zipper too small for anypony to use, unless they were a Unicorn.

Twilight noticed the object of her scrutiny was also observing her.

“You really are pretty smart, aren't you?”

$%$%$%$%$%$

I readied my firearm, the only hostile life I had encountered in this forest was approaching. Six shots, no more, I sure as hell wasn't going to find any more bullets any time soon. In the next few moments, this environment's apex predator would face the most dangerous creature to ever walk to earth. The best emerged from the brush, carrying something in its mouth. Something bloody and moving, just barely. The manticore held its head low, a submissive gesture, if I recalled my brief study of predatory behaviors. It dropped the bloody thing a few feet from me, my pistol was trained on it the entire time.

It quickly backed away, seeing if I accepted. It was a peace offering of sorts, a gift of food in exchange for a ceasing of hostilities. I didn't want to seem rude, so I approached its present. Satisfied with my compliance, my new, feline friend took its leave. Now I had to figure out what the fuck it just gave me. I almost didn't want to believe how many physiological oddities the injured thing had going on.

It was an equine, with a shorter snout than one would expect to find on a horse. Hell, the whole thing looked like a mare in miniature, only less... horse-like, more human, if that made sense. A horn jutted from its head, I found the thought of a Unicorn amusing, I might just keep this thing. I couldn't much more than that, except for the fact that the manticore had neglected to kill it before giving it to me. The poor thing shuddered in pain, but made no noise to signal discomfort.

Its injuries weren't that extensive, just some cuts, plus the punctures from the manticore's teeth. I knew enough first aid to help it, maybe even save it, with what I had on me. First, I’d need a water source to clean its injuries, and maybe the entire horse. It was surprisingly light, despite the fact that it would reach my waist if it stood on all four hooves, maybe around one hundred and ten pounds.

There was a stream nearby, I’d heard it on the way back to my truck. The water was cool and clear, this would be adequate for what I needed it for. I dipped my undershirt into the stream, and went to work. Using the fishhook and line, I stitched its cuts, and bandaged the punctures with strips I made from cutting that same undershirt. That's odd... this thing's fur is blue, am I in Japan? Because that would make sense, it explains things a little too well.

I decided to finish my job of cleaning the little horse. Its fur was indeed blue, with its mane a being a lighter shade. I scrubbed most of the blood out, it would need another washing before it'd be clean. I started to wash its stomach and hind legs, after all they were cut pretty badly. My hand brushed against somethi... well, no doubt now, this is a mare. I turned the strange, blue mare over to continue, brushing that little incident out of my mind.

Blue, blue, and more blue. After I got used to the odd color of her fur, nothing really surprised me. Hold the phone, whats that? It looks like a tattoo. Why would a horse have a tattoo? That's just silly. The design was of a crescent moon and wand topped with a star. Wait a goddamned minute, that's no fucking tattoo. That's a Cutie Mark if I ever saw one. Everything suddenly made perfect sense: I had somehow managed to transport myself to Equestria, with Jay tagging along. If that was true, then this was the Everfree Forest, which explained the manticore.

That meant Purple Blob could have been Twilight, and Orangey may have been Applejack.

I just saved a pony's life, holy shit, that feels amazing to think.

Blue coat with a lighter blue for a mane... I just saved Trixie's life.

Not sure how I feel about that, yet.

%$%$%$%$%$%

Fluttershy's examination was thorough, well, as thorough as she could be without prior knowledge of what she was looking at. She claimed it was in good health, but might be tired, so rest was recommended. The creature hadn't given Fluttershy much attention, its focus being held by something else.

Twilight followed its eyes. They made a pattern: left, jump right, drop, repeat. These were made from her point of view, so she just had to reverse it. She came to a realization: it was reading! The specific book was one on Equestrian history and legends, the particular passage was about Nightmare Moon, an odd choice for reading material. Twilight had an idea.

“Fluttershy, could you take the rope from its mouth?” Twilight Sparkle wanted to know what was going on. Right now.

Way To Go, Jay

Freed from the gagging rope, Jay was expected to say something. He proved himself to be comfortable with the situation he found himself in, by staying silent. Applejack, Fluttershy, and Twilight looked at him, expecting the strange creature to make some verbal acknowledgment.

“Maybe he's scared,” Fluttershy suggested, noting the observant look in the teen's eyes. The creature was taking in as much as he could, assimilating every bit of information it could.

“How d' ya know it's a he?” Applejack hadn't seen Fluttershy sex it, and the farmer couldn't think of another way to make that differentiation.

“I think it looks like a he.” Fluttershy just had a talent for these things. The group remained silent for a few moments. Applejack decided to voice her questions about their odd visitor.

“Hey Twi', ya said this thing knew some tricks, right?” Applejack wasn't going to leave without getting her time's worth.

“I said he might know some tricks.” Twilight took notice of the creature's expression, he was up to something.

“Roll over,” Applejack chuckled out, she couldn't even save her laughter until after she gave her command. To everypony's astonishment, the creature complied, rolling over on the floor a few times.

“Sit, boy,” Fluttershy spoke softly, again the teen performed the given order.

“Oh, I guess I’ll give it a try.” Whoever trained the strange animal had done an amazing job, in Twilight's opinion. “Speak.” She fully expected the teen to bark, or make some other bestial noise. The teen opened his mouth to obey.

“Twilight, go die in a fire.”

$%$%$%$%$%$

I left Trixie in my truck, wrapped in my hoodie for warmth. I cracked the window, just in case she got too hot. I only left after her breathing stabilized, I may be an asshole, but I’m a nice asshole. The showmare's wagon was nearby, I just had to follow the manticore's path back to it. While most fan fictions had her portrayed as having an all-consuming hate-boner for Twilight and Ponyville in general, it seemed she was returning to right some wrongs.

Her cart had a broken axle, which she must have been trying to replace when the manticore attacked. Another case of someone being in the wrong place, at the wrong time. Damn, bad girl goes good, gets attacked by a monster and given as a peace offering to me, who then tries to save her life. What if I hadn't come along when I did? I shuddered a bit, I may not have particularly liked Trixie, but I didn't think she deserved to die, or be eaten by a large feline.

Ponies didn't frequent this road, by my best guess. It ran parallel to the Everfree Forest, very close to the treeline, too dangerous for most travelers. I only came to this conclusion due to the lack of scavenging. Any half-decent bandit or highwayman would have taken the valuables and fled, an abandoned wagon was too tempting a target, and the presence of a rather large store of gold, silver, and bronze coins provided all the evidence I needed.

I took the liberty of rummaging through my ward's belongings for anything I may find useful. Smoke bombs, improved versions from those seen in Boast Busters, these new ones actually obscured the user when thrown down. Nothing in the next drawer I could use, just grooming equipment, but I did pocket a bottle of shampoo, lavender scented. I'm certain the familiar smell would do wonders to keep Trixie calm.

I went through some dressers, but didn't find anything unusual. The most interesting of the useless items was a collection of magazines. I wouldn't make a note of them if they weren't at least somewhat attention worthy. I didn't open them to view their contents, but I doubt it would have been necessary, their titles gave away their fare share of information. I can admit, without pause, that I kept Trixie's porn collection, just my way of keeping the Unicorn in familiar surroundings.

It was then that I hit the jackpot: wizard hats. The showmare had a surprising collection of them, in varying patterns and colors. There was a matching cape under each piece of headgear, I took a few of them for use as blankets, as well as her actual bedspread. I wondered if I was developing kleptomania, but I quickly dismissed the thought, after all, I needed these items.

With a bag full of swag, I made my way back to my stranded vehicle.

%$%$%$%$%$%

The library was in stunned silence. Jay had, after all, just given Twilight his response to being tied up and examined, in rather unkind words. The flutist was smiling like a fool at the ponies' shocked expressions. He was going to have some fun with this fucked up situation, even if it killed him, which, given Twilight's connections in Canterlot, it very easily could. Regardless of the possibility of death, Jay laughed like no tomorrow.

“Oh, relax, I was joking.” Jay had tears in his eyes, which he couldn't wipe because of his bound hands.

“There was no need to be so rude.” Twilight wasn't amazed by the creature's ability to speak, she'd heard him in the field. Applejack and Fluttershy, however, were astounded by him.

“I have every right to be an asshole right now,” Jay said indignantly. He was sick and tired of these ponies, no offense to them, he was just bored out of his fucking skull.

“And jus' what makes ya' say that?” Applejack had taken an instant disliking of the boy, she did not enjoy his attitude. The fact that he insulted her friend just put nails in the coffin.

“I've been knocked out, tied up, locked in a barn, knocked out again, paraded around town, examined against my will, and treated like dog.” Jay was a renowned smartass, a fact many enjoyed, and an equal number hated. Applejack was quickly put into the latter category.

“That don' give ya the right ta be mean to everypony.” The farmer would never see eye-to-eye with the strange animal, she could just tell.

“How would you feel in my shoes?” Jay wasn't as smart as Taylor when it came to the sciences, but he had intelligence where it counted most: people. That fact had gotten him where he was today, metaphorically speaking of course. The flutist would never purposely work himself into a hole like this. The teen knew enough about reasoning and bargaining to beat the farm pony.

“What's that got ta do with anythin'?” Jay cast the orange mare a snide glare.

“Who would have thought the Apple Family was intolerant?” Jay then realized how big of a cat he'd let out of the bag.

“None of us ever mentioned Applejack's family.” Twilight narrowed her eyes at the strange creature. “Start explaining. Now.”

$%$%$%$%$%$

Welp, there she is, the latest addition to my little side-project.

Exposition, Exposition Everywhere

I occupied myself by flipping through one of Trixie's dirty magazines. It was very similar to Playboy, classy, with some damn good business advice. It seemed Equestria's money system was similar to my assumptions: one hundred bronze coins equaled one silver coin, the same ratio from silver to gold. The fact still remained that I was viewing images of ponies that were meant to spark interest, but in my defense, it was raining in the Everfree Forest, and I was bored out of my fucking skull.

It was a good thing that Trixie was still sleeping, I dread having to explain myself, even though I’m certain she'll be grateful for my actions. Her injuries weren't that severe, she should be up and moving soon, I didn't feel any torn ligaments earlier. I'll admit that Trixie had been one of my favorites, we're a good bit alike, except I hide the fact that I'm an arrogant asshole. The blue mare shuddered in her sleep, perhaps she was having a dream?

I turned another page, and nearly dropped the dirty rag. I was looking at the centerfold, a reclining, blue, Unicorn mare with a sultry smile on her face. I dry swallowed, and looked at Trixie. Same coat and mane color, but due to her eyes being closed, I couldn't compare her to the photograph. Regardless of the truth, I felt just a tad more awkward around the magician. It's not everyday that I get to save a model. The showmare shuddered in her sleep again, she seemed to do that a lot.

I began to worry about her health, well, more than before. I figured she'd live, but she would definitely be in a world of pain when she woke up. She started shivering, poor thing, it was different from the shudder she gave before. This was much more consistent and prolonged, perhaps she was having a nightmare. I reached down and stroked her mane a few times, and she seemed to calm down. I thought it was adorable when she mumbled something in her sleep.

I decide to lie down next to her, stretch out a bit. Trixie immediately snuggled into me for warmth, she was facing me, a content smile on her face. Her system must be flooded with neurotransmitters right now, the little brain chemicals were probably giving her some psychedelic dreams. I was struck by a worrisome idea: perhaps she was snuggling up to me, not for warmth, but a Pavlovian feeling of safety that she associated with my scent. That could complicate things later, so I hoped it was just for heat, I hoped desperately.

I wonder what she's dreaming about, and as I think, the sound of rain hitting the windshield and roof lulls me off to sleep.

$%$%$%$%$%$

“I want answers.” Twilight was actually acting hostile, a behavior the teen didn't expect.

“I can't answer you if you don't tell me what you want to know.” Jay was remaining firmly in his comfort zone, there was nothing Twilight was capable of that would hurt him. He didn't think there was, anyway.

“I want to know how you knew about Applejack's family.” Twilight and Applejack eyed him with both anger and suspicion, with Fluttershy remaining silent in the back.

“Wait, you're actually called the Apple Family?” Jay tried to look amazed and slightly amused. “I was being sarcastic. I just guessed on the name because of your crop.” Twilight heard just a hint of dishonesty in his voice, a neat trick for an animal, lying was.

“Jus' what kinda varmint are ya' anyways? Ah've never seen nothin' like ya.” Applejack's tone was one of slight anger, it seemed she hadn't cooled off from Jay's rude remark. The flutist gave a snide smirk and spoke.

“I'm a human, get the egghead to look it up.” Twilight gave a huff, but went towards a bookshelf for the appropriate tome, then stopped and turned around, surprised.

“What makes you think I'm an egghead?” That was Dash's annoying nickname for her, something an outsider wouldn't be able to know. It could have also been a random guess, but Twilight wasn't so sure.

“You responded, didn't you?” Jay put his head back on the floor and laughed silently, he took just a bit too much pleasure in messing with the Unicorn. Twilight gave him a flat look, and went back to searching. “I'd check under mythology, or in a bestiary.”

“H-humans aren't in the bestiary.” Fluttershy spoke in a voice that Jay almost couldn't hear. “I know all about Equestria's animals.” The timid Pegasus blushed and hid behind her mane in response to Jay's scrutiny.

“Why would they be under mythology?”

“Call it a feeling.” Jay tried his best to get comfortable, which is no easy feat on a wooden floor.

“Found it!” Twilight was surprised to see the entry in Creatures of Lore and Fable, an old book, published a century earlier. “Let's see here...”

Humans: a sapient mammal from Griffin lore often attributed to the disappearance of hunting parties and the death of newly hatched chicks. The first mention of the creature in Equestria was in 153, Celestia's Reign. The human was shone to be benevolent, while also quick to jump to violence if a pony it cared about was in danger. It played a key role in the War of the Red Gem, rallying Equestrian forces into a frenzy. Sadly, the strange visitor was exiled as part of the demands made by the defeated Diamond Dog armies, which it complied with saying I will do as I must to keep order and peace in these lands, lest they become stained with unnecessary blood. The human hasn't been referenced since, though a statuette has been placed in the Hall of Heroes in its memory.

For Pre-Equestrian information, please consult Legends of the Pridelands.

“I think Lyra checked that book out last week.” Twilight was thinking aloud then, but Jay knew the implications made by her remark. Maybe he wouldn't have to wait on Taylor for a rescue, after all. Well, at least Jay knew there had been other humans in Equestria, even if they may be long dead.

“Ya kill griffin babies?” Applejack gave the teen a look of disgust, seemed she had ignored the part about the human statue in the Hall of Heroes.

“Applejack, I think he was just as surprised as the rest of us about that.” Leave it to Fluttershy to be reasonable about this.

“Regardless of his surprise, I think we should inform the Princess.”

Well... shit.

%$%$%$%$%$%
Now, readers, you get to vote... about the possibilities of shippings
Leave a comment or message me with your responce, as well as suggestions.
If I get few or no replies for it, it will not happen.
If the inverse occurs, there will be shipping.

Lies and Slander

Alternate Title: The Day Jay Fucked Me Over
$%$%$%$%$%$

shit oh shit oh shit ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit

“Hold on, please.” Jay wasn't certain of the Princess' possible reaction, then came to a wonderful realization: Spike wasn't there. The teen was safe, for the time being. That little fact didn't stop Twilight from writing, though, and the room was left in silence, save the sound of a scratching quill. The Unicorn stopped, and looked at the human.

“Don't you think we should let Princess Celestia know about this?” Twilight didn't understand why he seemed so worried. After all, she would know how to handle the human, wasn't that a good thing?

“Hell no!” Jay almost yelled, but the fear of inciting retaliation kept his voice at conversational levels. “Can I have a minute to explain, please?” While he didn't want to let the Hub cat out of the bag, the flutist wanted to buy some time.

“Go ahead.” Twilight wanted to see if he'd give away more evidence against himself. Something about the prospect of informing the Princess had the teen worried, he must be hiding something important.

“This is going to sound weird, but bear with me with me.” The flutist took a deep breath, and began to spin his wonderful lie. “I'm from a far-away land called Alabama, and have been tasked with a mission of dire importance.”

“Alabama? I've never heard of a country called that.” Twilight performed the same display of curiosity Jay was so accustomed to.

“That doesn't surprise me, we haven't been on good terms with your Princesses for a few thousand years.” Jay was making shit up on the fly. “But, that's not important. I was sent to Ponyville to prevent the assassinations of the Elements of Harmony.”

“Somepony's trying to kill us?!” Fluttershy looked like she was about to have a heart attack, she might be having one right now, actually.

“Jus' who's after us?” Applejack jumped to Jay, getting as close as possible. “C'mon, spit it out!” The flutist fumbled for a second, believable in this situation, made so by the fear of another kick.

“The guy's name is Taylor.” Jay knew his friend would kill him for this, but on the other hand, fair is fair. The asshole had gotten the flutist into worse trouble than being stuck in a land of magical, talking ponies. “He's dangerous in the extreme. My king ordered me to protect the six of you with my life.”

“Ya don' look like ya'd put up much of a fight.” Applejack gave him a thorough once-over, sizing him up. “Ya sure yer the one that got picked?” In response, Jay sat back up. He looked the orange pony in the eyes, and rose to his feet. The flutist struggled with the bindings in an attempt to remove them. “Ain't no way yer getting' outta those, tied 'em mahself.”

“I wasn't picked because I'm tough.” Jay's sentence was punctuated by the ropes hitting the floor. “I was picked because I'm the slipperiest sonofabitch around.” The flutist's smirk couldn't gotten any wider. “Just wanted to clear things up for your letter, Twilight, having false information can be disastrous in situations this critical.” Applejack and Fluttershy were busy trying to absorb the information, the human's lies seemed so true, but one doesn't trick the Element of Honesty easily.

With a stunned nod, Twilight Sparkle went back to writing, including both Jay's tale, and her thoughts on it. By the Unicorn's guess, things were going to become much more interesting around Ponyville. Surely Celestia would know what to make of it all. Applejack continued to observe the human, trying to make heads or tails of him. She stared at him with narrowing eyes.

Slipperiest sonofabitch, indeed.

“If yer here to protect us, what are our names?” Applejack thought she'd caught him, but was easily proven wrong.

“Twilight, Applejack, Fluttershy, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash. Magic, Honesty, Kindness, Generosity, Laughter, and Loyalty, respectively.” The flutist was met with wide eyes, but a still-suspicious farmer.

“Ah thought ya said Alabama an' Equestria weren't on good terms right now, how d'ya know our names?” Ah, the farmer had walked him into a trap, clever girl.

“My king has eyes and ears everywhere, from Canterlot to Draconia.” Jay seriously hoped Draconia was an actual country's name here. “For information only, of course, we wouldn't want to start a war or anything.” Jay added that last bit quickly, an attempt to keep them from jumping to the wrong conclusion.

“When Spike gets back, I'll send my letter.” Twilight looked both relieved and scared at what she'd heard, but above all, she remained suspicious of the human. If what he said was true, somepony wanted them dead, if they were false, then Princess Celestia would have the knowledge to deal with the strange biped. “You humans have names, right?”

“Yeah, my name's Jay Braden, call me Jay.”

%$%$%$%$%$%

Under normal circumstances, Trixie Lulamoon would be panicking. These were not normal circumstances, but she remained calm, despite the pain that permeated her body. She knew what she was looking at, understood everything the strange thing had done for her. It was male, if the quick peek she'd taken was to be believed, and quite asleep. He had tasked himself with protecting the showmare, even providing basic medical attention.

Trixie looked around the strange room they shared. It was oddly shaped, with an equally odd set of windows. A strange wheel and axle combination was on the side opposite of them. Under the unusual wheel lay a collection of magazines, with the uppermost being her centerfold. Not her proudest moment, but she had to make money somehow. She wasn't even slightly embarrassed that her rescuer had seen her in that compromising position, if anything, she was relieved, just one less secret to keep.

The magician scooted away from her impromptu protector to get a better look at him. His dark green tunic was stained brown in some places, likely Trixie's own blood. Blue, denim pants covered his legs, they were frayed in some placed, and his entire set of clothes was caked with mud, most of which had been wiped off before it could set in. So, he had at least basic knowledge of sanitation and proper attire. They weren't the only articles he wore, Trixie was currently wrapped in a dark blue, hooded jacket, also stained with what was likely her blood.

A sudden vibration in her protector's pocket startled her. He moved one of his arms and groaned groggily, pulling out a black, rectangular object from his pants. Trixie made her eyes as small as she could, hoping he wouldn't notice she was awake. He was careful not to disturb her, lest her sleep be interrupted. The showmare was fascinated by his strange behavior, he put what looked like a key into a slot on the strange wheel's axle, and turned slightly.

The strange room jumped to life, strange lights in the form of numbers and letters flashed on some sort of console. Static filtered from hidden speakers, perhaps a radio? A scary, hydraulic noise sounded off as a window descended partway, Trixie could only assume the same thing occurred when the sound came from behind her. She felt one of his hands on touch her head, partially stroking behind one of her ears.

“I hope I'm back before you wake up, you're gonna be scared, and if you try to run, you might hurt yourself worse than you already are.” Trixie saw him exit through one of the walls, which was actually a door of some sort. “Stay safe, Trixie, and don't panic.” He closed the door, and disappeared into the night. There went her strange guardian angel, a bipedal enigma.

He had impressed the manticore into giving her away, why had he rescued her?

And why didn't she feel like running?

Celestia is Oddly Calm About This

Time to point out something Jay told me:

Taylor knew Trixie was awake.
Trixie looked in Taylor's pants.
Taylor had no problem with this.

I didn't even notice that
$%$%$%$%$%$

It had taken less than five minutes. Spike blew green flames onto the sealed scroll, and Celestia had immediately replied, by landing just in front of the library, accompanied by at least sixty guards. The Princess took one look at Jay, and request the three Elements to give the two of them some privacy. The Alicorn gave the teen a stern glare, at least while the Elements were present.

“You know, lying to them wasn't a good idea.”

“I said those things so you'd know I was lying.” A look of understanding crossed the Princess' features.

“The last humans to show up here weren't so clever about things.” Jay looked surprised at this, he remembered the lore entry about humans, but didn't know Celestia would be so direct about it.

“How many others have been here before us?” Celestia seemed to think for a moment, wearing that odd expression one has when deep in thought.

“Thousands, perhaps tens of thousands, over the course of history.” Celestia gave a noncommittal wave of a hoof. “The most recent appearance was about a month ago, in the Griffin Pridelands” Celestia paused for a bit, then grimaced. “Nasty outcome, from what the High Chancellor wrote to me.”

“That whole thing about eating Griffin chicks, that wasn't true, was it?” The teen knew there was a grain of truth in every legend.

“Unfortunately, yes.” The Alicorn gave the teen a once-over. “I'm surprised you haven't asked about what I intend to do about this.” Jay shrugged, and gave his reply.

“I figured that if you wanted to arrest me, you would've carted me off already.” Jay was reacting better than he'd originally thought he would, but couldn't get over how uncomfortable being around the Princess was. “But, can you get us back home?”

“Depends, were you brought here by magic?” The Alicorn may have been able to give some assistance, but only under certain conditions.

“No, Taylor built a machine that makes you travel faster than light,” Celestia looked impressed at that, what sounded like teleportation, without magic. “Can you help at all?”

“Sadly, I can't.” the Princess actually looked a bit put off by that bit of information. “If magic had been the cause,then maybe, but technology is out of my jurisdiction.” Seemingly in afterthought, the Princess asked a question. “Taylor's not really here to hurt the Elements, right?” Celestia was kind, not stupid, she had to know.

“I would say he's a saint, but, he's going to hell in all likelihood.” Jay chuckled nervously at the Alicorn's blank stare. “But he's harmless, for the most part.” Jay started off smiling, but his expression fell as a certain teenager ran by the window, with a squad of guards tailing him. “Goddammit, Taylor. Could you ignore that, please?”

“Where do you think he's going?”

“Your guess is as good as mine, Princess.”

$%$%$%$%$%$

“Make yourself at home, please.” Lyra was trying to be a good hostess, fucking adorable. I would love to take a seat, but there is the slight issue of being covered in mud, that I have yet to deal with. When the seafoam Unicorn produced a a small towel and covered a portion of the couch, it would have been rude to refuse. “When I saw the other one being carried through town, I knew just what it was.”

“So, you know about humans?” I asked that in a way that made it seem more like a statement than anything else.

“Only since magic kindergarten! I've read books, had dreams, even theorized about humans.” Seemed Lyra was more excited than me about this little meet and greet. I didn't even know that was possible, but then again, I'm in a land full of colorful, magical, talking ponies, I told reality to fuck off hours ago. If they had legends about humans here, then perhaps our worlds are connected in some manner. Princess Celestia may be able to send us back! That is, if I can get her on my side.

“How does one theorize about a living being?” I ducked as a patrol went by the window. I was just making smalltalk until the heat died down, if it would at all.

“Well, things like how you do things without magic, like fly and grow lots of food.” I should have figured mass production and mechanized flight would seem amazing to a third party.

“Just where do you get these little peeks at humanity?”

“I have dreams, but sometimes I think they're more like visions.” She became more and more bashful as she neared the end of her sentence, can't say I blame her. I'm not surprised about being able to see Earth in her dreams, many geniuses dream of fanciful impossibilities. Perhaps sapient beings can think a bridge between worlds into existence, perhaps the bridges already exist, and we just have to use them.

Wait, I'm evading pursuit, why am I focusing on a philosophical matter?

“Do humans ever have those?” Lyra was a curious one, in a good way.

“I get some of my best ideas from dreaming.” It was true, for almost every problem I had ever encountered in life, I’ve solved thanks to dreaming of a solution. “So, I suppose, we do have visions in our sleep. I'd wager that we have them quite often.”

I rose to check the window, nothing, they must be patrolling another area at the moment. Should I try and make a break for it, or stay and chat until I can think of a plan? What to do, what to do? With a brief pause, I made my decision.

“Lyra, could you do me a favor?” She gave me a quizzical look. “I'll answer any questions you have tomorrow if you do.” She nearly squealed in excitement, I would have spent any extra time dancing around the issues at hand if I stayed, anyway.

“Just ask, I’ve got your back, uh...” Oh, right, I hadn't introduced myself.

“The name is Taylor. But, I need you to stash something near Sweet Apple Acres for me.”

“What do I need to hide?” At least she'd work with me on this, little human fangirl.

“Any antiseptic you can lend, I'll be sure to repay in the future. I have an injured friend that I need to tend to. Make sure her wounds don't get infected, y'know?” Lyra's eyes widen, and I realized that I hadn't specified whether or not my friend was human. Oh well, what she doesn't know, won't hurt her..

“I'll do my best!” Lyra actually saluted me, where is my camera when I need it?

$%$%$%$%$%$

In the Everfree Forest, four hooves touched the ground. Their owner winced as pain shot up her legs, but she decided to ignore it, she had bigger things on her mind. Her personal guardian angel had left some time ago, and she was worried, which surprised her. The blue mare looked towards the very faint glow of streetlamps on the horizon, and prepared herself.

Wrapped in her protector's dark blue jacket, and wielding an L-shaped metal rod she'd found in a box under the seat, Trixie limped towards Ponyville.

A Wild Update Appears!

“Where could he have gone?” Celestia was addressing herself, but questioned the entire group as well.

“He ducked into an alley, Your Highness, we lost him.” A Pegasus guard had his head down as he spoke.

“Were there any likely exits?” Celestia didn't sound angry, in fact, she wasn't. Jay had made certain to ease her fears about his friend. But the Princess knew better, she had experience with humans few other beings could ever hope to match. She knew how much of a wild card a human could be, especially when in unfamiliar territory.

“We checked the entire alley, there were two doors at a dead end” The guard still hung his head in shame, “We checked the unlocked one, but the owner must have moved out some time before, nothing had disturbed the dust on the floor.”

“Taylor is a master when it comes to escapes.” Jay felt he needed to keep up his little charade, for the time being.

“How did you catch him before?” The guard raised his head to the human. Protocol dictated that all operations were in the hooves of more experienced personnel, and right now, that was the flute player.

“We didn't have to.” This response drew a number of curious looks from the gathered ponies, excluding the Princess.

“Could you, um, explain, please?” Fluttershy was still scared of the prospect of an assassin on the prowl, and it showed. “If that's not too much.” Jay couldn't help but smile at her reluctance to speak.

“Taylor and I used to work together, in the same department, under the King Billy.” That was a shock to those gathered, even Celestia was curious of this new twist in the teen's web of lies. “Our government kept people on staff to, how should I put this?, silence dissenters, rebels, heads of foreign nations, and, occasionally, a guard that asked too many questions.” The flutist finished by giving the two uniformed stallions a strange look.

“As much as I enjoy you terrorizing my guardsponies, I must ask you to be serious.” Celestia's voice was firm, yet she was gentle in her chastising.

“Fine, ruin my fun, Taylor is going to go after the remaining Elements. I'd check Rarity's boutique, or Sugarcube Corner.” Before any questions could be aired, Jay answered them. “We have files on the Elements back in the palace.”

“Sugarcube Corner is on the other side of town, are you sure he'd target Pinkie this late at night?” Twilight was attempting to put the pieces of Jay's web of lies together. Thankfully, it was like solving a five thousand piece jigsaw puzzle of clear, blue sky.

“I've worked with the guy, he always goes for the obvious targets, the distance is a deterrent for investigation.” Jay was lying out his ass at this point, there was no way Taylor would cross that much ground at night, not when there were plenty of homes he could break into. “I would suggest sending a squad to guard the Elements of Generosity and Laughter, while Princess Celestia and I will guard the remaining Elements.” Even the Princess couldn't find a flaw in the plan, and she knew he was lying.

“Captain Glade, I want you to head the squad in charge of the Element of Kindness,” Celestia gave the order with authority, “Captain Flare, you're protecting Generosity, make sure the assassin doesn't come within thirty feet of them.”

“YES, YOUR MAJESTY!” Both the stallions barked the affirmative, and set out at a blinding pace. Jay almost lost his cool at their voices, both were combat veterans, if Taylor ran into either of them, the flutist doubted he'd survive.

“Now that Tweedledee and Tweedledum are gone, we can start on the real plan.”

$%$%$%$%$%$

I left shortly after Lyra. A passing squad nearly caught me, I really wanted to avoid them, the one at the front scared me. I wonder why they didn't check the bush I was behind, because that's where they found me the first time. Contrary to the earlier bits of evidence, I am quite stealthy, just easily made oblivious to my surroundings. All was quiet, fog was rolling in larger amounts than before, but the clouds had uncovered the moon, so anything in the mist appeared as a silhouette. Just what I need, my camouflage rendered useless, unless I crawl.

I'm not crawling, it'd be a waste of energy and time, I'll sacrifice safety for speed. Walking on the unpaved, grassy streets was a silent, relaxing way to get around. Even so, my senses were tuned to the surrounding area, searching for any noise or sign of movement. So, it's foggy, nighttime, and I’m on the run, yep, Equestria is way better than Earth. The fuck was that!? Oh, just a stray cat, my bad.

Another squad went through the intersection just ahead of me, crossing my path, but not noticing me. I have to admit, I think I'm going to have a heart attack, I've seen too many horror movies, I know something is just going to jump out at me. Not that I’m jumpy, or anything, I just want to protect my life. There was the library, Celestia and the traitorous fuck I called a friend had cleared out, probably scared the assassin would come back.

Taking a step forward, my foot broke a small cord.

Floodlights turned on all around me, catching and scattering their light on the fog. I was blinded by the bright, white glow. Hooves pounded near me, to my rear and left side, both equal distances from me. What felt like a linebacker slammed into my side, and I skidded on the ground, what does the Princess feed these guys?.

“Ow, damn,” I muttered as I tried to right myself. That was, at very least, a few bruised ribs. I stood quickly, holding my knife in a defensive posture, blade pointed downward. Okay, so maybe I'm not that good when it comes to fighting with a knife, but at least I'm trying to avoid being captured. A guard charged me, his silhouette giving him away, I clocked him with my best left hook. If I haven't made my point to Sir Isaac Newton, I shall reiterate, I hate you with the passion of a thousand suns.

Inertia sent the stallion crashing into my legs, bastard must have weighed as much as me, at least. I slugged him again, this time with my right, the blade caught him just above the eye. With a kick, I was freed from his substantial weight, and blood was already blinding his left eye. I ducked, and his partner flew over my back, I punted him in the jaw, and immediately wished I hadn't. The steel toe of my boot sliced into my foot.

While I was off balance, another pony engaged. I slammed whoever it was to the ground, green eyes. Did Celestia really just allow Applejack to fight me, the person she thinks is a deadly assassin? Regardless of the possibility, I got up and started back on the two guards.

“That's quite enough, Taylor.” The voice was commanding and regal. The fog cleared, revealing Princess Celestia and that sonofabitch that betrayed me.

“Listen, dude,” Jay began. “I can help but you have to cooperate with-”

“GO FUCK YOURSELF, JAY!”

“I must ask that you watch the language around my subjects.” Celestia was annoyed at my foul mouth, but she had a strange glimmer of understanding in her eyes. What the hell was going on here?

“We can get this all sorted-” Jay was cut off by a glowing object crashing into the side of his head.

Was that a flying tire iron?

“The Great and Powerful Trixie is here to rescue you!”

Can't Escape Now

“I thought I told you to stay back at the truck.” The ponies watched with eyes that, to me, appeared to express complete lack of understanding.

“Trixie was asleep when you gave that command.” Was she trying to stroke my ego? Seriously, how was my suggestion a command?

“No you weren't, you were wide awake.” Trixie's eyes widened a bit, before she regained her composure. There was no way she would act stupid now, she was trying to make up for her misbehavior from Boast Busters.

“Surely a noble warrior such as yourself would take a fair magician's word?” Yep, definitely stroking my ego. Flattery gets one nowhere when it comes to me, I am a wall of indifference when it comes to compliments. Wait, that's wrong, getting a compliment that I haven't earned pisses me off to no extent.

“Can somepony please explain what's going on here?” I have never heard Twilight so annoyed, wait, nevermind, I have. She was scientifically minded, and I have no doubt she would see the truth of my predicament, I’m certain she could even offer some assistance. That is, if Jay hasn't poisoned her against me.

“Listen, it's a long story, I'm sure the details would bore you.” Twilight gave me a look that said eat shit. At least, that's how I read it.

“If Princess Celestia allows it, we have plenty of time.” Twilight looked to Celestia for confirmation, looking bashful about her previous forwardness. To her relief, the Solar Princess nodded.

“Yes, Taylor, I'm interested in hearing your side of the story.” Did she know Jay lied to her? Seems likely, but I can't really come out and ask, now can I?

“The Great and Powerful Trixie will not be ignored!” I liked her better when she was unconscious.

“Can I think for one second?” I had raised my voice for that, probably a bad idea. I've been in Equestria for what, like eight hours? How do things fly this far south in that little time? Oh yeah, they'd found Jay first, asshole ruins everything for me.

“Why is nopony paying attention to Trixie?” The showmare kept looking at me, giving a slight jerk of her head, towards the edge of town.

“We'll deal with you after we're through with this varmint.” Did Jay piss Applejack off? Oh, that's cute, she thinks she can act tough around me. I think I was chuckling a bit, because the farmer started glaring at me. “Sumthin' funny?” Where the hell did this attitude come from?

“I'm just laughing because it seems your coltfriend has filled your head with lies about me.” The look on her face, oh god, now that is what I call a Kodak moment. “Relax, I'm yanking your chain.” That got a hidden smile from Celestia, two looks of confused aggression, and Fluttershy trying to conceal her slight grin with a hoof. “You mad?”

“I'm not... mad, really.” My pancreas almost shut down, how could Jay even lie about me wanting to hurt any of the Elements? They're too damn cute to kill. Why did Fluttershy think I was talking to her? Not that I wouldn't, but it was directed to Applejack.

“Yer right Ah'm mad, Jay here said ya were tryin' ta kill one of us, and yer jus' standin' there, jokin' around?”

“Are you complaining about Trixie's guardian angel not killing you?” Now Trixie has gone from ego stroking, being annoying, to giving the other ponies more questions. Thanks, and nice centerfold, by the way.

“Before any of you ask, I'll explain later.”

“He pummeled a manticore into submission, and the beast gave Trixie to him as tribute!” The showmare tried to do her famous cape flourish, only to yelp in pain and fall on her ass. Was she trying to get me in deeper shit? Because Fluttershy looked horrified at the thought of me tanning some manticore hide.

“Trixie, get the facts straight, I stabbed it.” That's when everypony looked just as shocked as the Element of Kindness, save Celestia. She's starting to grow on me, she gives the same amount of fucks as me. “Is it that much of a surprise?” I shook the knife for emphasis.

“Will somepony start making sense?” I haven't seen Twilight so frazzled since Swarm of the Century. Ha, I’m causing the egghead confusion, and I take to much pleasure form that.

“Ow...” Well, what do you know, Jay's alive! “What hit me?”

“I think that was a tire iron.” Now it was my turn to wonder what was going on. Celestia knew what a tire iron was? There's more going on here than I had originally believed.

“How did you know that?” I cocked my head to the side and slightly raised one of my lower eyelids. The Princess seemed to recognize the gesture, she blinked a few times, the smiled sagely.

“I took a guess, was I right?” She lied straight through her wavy mane, and now I knew the Alicorn had met humans before. Sometimes denying information just gives more away, and that must have been her intention.

“Where did the tire iron come from?” Jay was trying to stand, and I barely resisted the urge to send him back to the ground with a fist. I doubt the stallions ready to pounce me would appreciate that.

“The box under my truck's seat, probably.” I said that like I was discussing the weather. Jay finally rose to his feet, wobbling, but still up. He clutched the side of his head, there was a large, red stain, most likely blood. I think Trixie gave him a concussion, nice shot, little pony. The flutist looked at the showmare, well, in the direction the offending metal rod had come from, anyway.

“How do you know Trixie?”

“Jay, doesn't a nap sound really nice right about now?” Twilight looked worried, and angry, about my statement.

“Don't you know sleeping with a head injury is dangerous?” Now the bookworm gets an attitude, really intimidating.

“That's why I recommended the nap.” In my defense, Jay is a traitor that deserves to die, like all who betray the trust of others. I have now managed to destroy any possibility of Twilight having a positive opinion of me.

“Relax, we joke like that all the time, right buddy?” Jay stumbled drunkenly towards me. He put his hand on my shoulder, trying to be friendly. “Now, we can get started.”

“Jay, get that hand off me, now.” It's not like I hate being touched, I just hate being touched in a condescending way.

“Aw, come on, man, don't be like that.” Jay smiled, and winced in pain, as he squeezed my shoulder.

“Trixie would take her hoof off him if she were you.” Did that phrase even make sense in the third person?

“Listen to the Unicorn, Jay.” I shot my fellow teen a dirty look. “I wrecked a mutant lion's shit earlier.”

“You did that? Dude that's awesome.” Jay grinned like a moron. I was struck with a realization at that moment.

“We need to get you to a hospital don't we?” In response, Jay nodded.

“Probably, why are your eyes bleeding?” That was the last thing he could say. It's hard to speak with your face on the ground, not like I caught him when he fainted. Fluttershy, acting as her usual self, rushed to his aid. “Why does this grass taste like human blood?”

“He need a doctor?” I aimed the query at the yellow Pegasus, hoping for an informed response.

“Y-yes.” She flinched when I spoke, I can't say I blame her, I’m a big dude with a bloody knife. Even I'd be a little squeamish about hanging around Camp Crystal Lake's infamous psychopath.

“I don't suppose we can interrogate me at the hospital, can we?”

$%$%$%$%$%$

Well, my vacation ends tomorrow, so I won't be busy until Monday!

Who's a Clever Title?

I feel weird even thinking this, but my eyes actually enjoyed the discomfort the florescent lights gave. With their electric buzzing and annoying brightness, they provided a sense of normalcy in an otherwise strange situation. But, like treating the pain of a bullet wound with a Tylenol, the small comfort did nothing to aid the stark reality of sharing a hospital hallway with a group of ponies. Have I mentioned how freakishly oversized their eyes are? Because they're fucking huge.

“What d'ya think yer starin' at?” Applejack still thinks she can be tough, and had my morals not prevented me from hitting a woman, I shudder to think what I'd do.

“A silly pony.” Celestia stifled a giggle at my joke. How did she get that? I don't care what explanation anyone can give for this, but I have my own suspicions about just how much the Solar Princess knows.

“Who's a silly pony?” Applejack had an incredibly small tolerance for my antics, well too bad. I'm riding a neurotransmitter high right now, and that keeps me from giving a fuck. I feigned ignorance for the sake of comedy, I shall continue the gag.

“I'm sorry, what?” Just a slight tilt of the head, and boom, instant, believable curiosity.

“Who is?” At that, Celestia choked a laugh down, she definitely knows about the show, or at least thing associated with it.

“You is!” I regret not learning the names and functions of every chemical used in the brain, because I want to thank whichever one is making me cackle like a madman. I am beginning to worry for what little sanity I have left, even I thought the joke was stupid, so why was I laughing so hard?

“Are you okay?” Twilight took a worried step towards me, why the one-eighty in behavior? Isn't she suppose to think I'm here to kill her? Thinking of that, why hasn't Celestia had her guards beat, capture, and torture me, all before she sends me to the moon for my transgressions? Because I've heard the moon is awful this time of year.

“I have no idea!” I just kept laughing, I rolled out of my chair. Tears poured down my face from the exertion, I can't breathe right now, my lungs are too occupied. It think I’ve finally gone off the deep end, I've never emoted this much in my life! Did I seriously just think the word emoted, is that even a word? I think it is.

A pain in my neck shocked me, just slightly. It was a needle, and judging by the slight stinging that permeated the area it was sticking, likely a syringe. Within a few moments my brain started to calm, they'd hit me with a tranquilizer dart, clever girls. The dosage must have been meant for a pony, because the drowsiness plateaued quickly, and left me very much awake.

“Thanks, I needed that.” I sighed a bit, maybe things would be okay, because that seriously scared the everliving piss out of me. I only fear one thing in life, and that is being insane, I even avoid substances that affect my behavior, just to stay myself.

“Trixie is confused by what just happened.” I think one of us was going to explain, but was interrupted by the door to Jay's room opening. Nurse Redheart, I think it was, stepped out.

“He's fine, but we need to keep him overnight for observation.” Her professional attitude astounded me, after all, had the roles been reversed, I would be dissecting/vivisecting the hell out any unknown, sapient lifeforms I found.

“I'm glad to hear that.” Fluttershy took her love of animals to the extreme, didn't she? Regardless of the truth, the little situation returned to normal. However, there were still many questions hanging in the air.

“Taylor,” Celestia began. “Has that ever happened before?” I think she was referring to my episode.

“In truth, nope, that's the first time.” I could still hear a slightly manic tone in my voice.

“Why do you think it happened?” Celestia seemed worried, but why? She has no need alliance with me, regardless of how she behaves. This must just be an act, an attempt to force my guard down, make me complacent.

“I think the reality of my situation caught up with me.” I leaned against the wall, looking up at the ceiling. I couldn't stop myself from chuckling at the premise, seriously, I'm in Equestria! This has to be the most fucked up thing that has ever happened to me, or at least in the top ten.

“I suppose grim epiphanies can have that effect.” Celestia was either trying to understand, truly understood, or was faking in order to make my capture easier. I shook my head to clear the foolish thoughts from my head, if she wanted me captured, she would have done it already.

“Ah don' get what's goin' on.” Applejack was still stern, but seemed to allow curiosity to color her judgement. “Ah mean, first we get that Jay feller, an' he says the two of ya' worked together, but now ya' want us dead.” Applejack was the Element of Honesty, so perhaps she could pick up on Jay's lies, or at least his inconsistencies. “Then, you show up outta nowhere, armed, an' try to say ya weren't meaning no harm, then Trixie,” The farmer pointed at the showmare, who huffed in response. “Says ya' pummeled a manticore an' saved 'er life. Nothin' 'bout this whole day is makin' any sense!”

“Applejack, you're dealing with humans, we never make any sense.” I said that like it was the most normal thing in the world, and to me it was.

“Humans really are with Discord, aren't they?” I rolled my head back and laughed at Twilight's question. It wasn't the manic laugh of a madman, just one of enjoyment. Why is this madness fluctuating so much? I thought that when you go crazy, you stay crazy, or maybe I was always crazy. It probably doesn't matter, every explanation is the same.

I quieted down, and everypony kept looking at me, expecting some form of denial, or justification, any reason for my behavior. There was none to be found, and I knew they would be disappointed at the lack of explanation. It was silent, save the buzzing lights overhead, and I did did what I do best: figure things out. Now, what had I noticed before my little episode of mania?

Applejack looked angry, but there was nothing she could do.

Twilight looked inquisitive, but nothing was out of the ordinary.

I wasn't looking into Fluttershy's eyes, so the Stare couldn't be to blame.

Celestia looked deep in concentration, her horn was glowing, but very faintly. Ding ding ding, we have a winner, folks! At the realization, Celestia perked up a bit, and provided confirmation. She didn't know everything, just bits and pieces she'd picked up from me, by reading my mind. No wonder it had the effect it did, I've kept things bottled up since I was, what, like eleven? When she opened my mind to see what I felt, she opened the floodgates, every joy and sorrow, every bit of love and hate, just came pouring out, and manifested in insane, abrasive laughter.

Perhaps, but everypony feels the effects of this spell differently. That voice, speaking directly into my head, was Celestia's. I'm actually quite amazed by how little you have in the open, lots of thing you'd like to stay hidden, I take it?

The mind is sacred, I do not enjoy you trespassing, Princess.

This is merely my way of ensuring your honesty, I’m not here to pry.

How much have you learned?

Oh, relax, I’ve avoided the Internet portions like the plague, I learned my lesson last time. Was she purposely giving me this much, or was she unable to control what she said? No, I meant so say that, and by the way, even if you don't want me to hear it, I know what you're thinking.

You have ten seconds, this is you're only warning.

Until what, massive mindscream? There isn't much a human can do like this, but if it means so much to you, I'll leave, on a condition.

The clock has stopped, what is it?

You are completely honest with me and my subjects

Commencing massive porn dump in three... two... Celestia, in her wisdom, cut the connection. The Solar Princess' coat was paler than usual, though there was a slight, pink tinge on her cheeks. Well, I did send a small sample before resuming the countdown, pretty tame by my standards.

“Oh, lighten up, Princess.” I laughed a bit, completely sane, and a bit loopy from the tranquilizer dart. “I agree to your terms.” I thought for a moment, piecing together what I’d need to explain.

I'd start from the beginning. That tickle in my frontal lobe, the Princess couldn't leave me alone. I get the hint, fine, but remember your agreement. I sighed as she cut the connection again. It seemed she made my lesson for me, saved me some work, at least.

“Alright, everypony take a seat. It's story time.”

Curve-Ball Time!

As I stated in Bloodmoon's update, real life has been kicking my ass lately.
But I somehow managed to make this update bigger than that one, and I have no idea how.
$%$%$%$%$%$%

“... and that brings us to the modern day: a time of raging war, famine, and highly likely global destruction and the extinction of all life on Earth.” They looked awed, shocked, and disgusted at the same time. “Of course, the positive things humanity does balances out the negative.” That did nothing to help them, even Celestia seemed to be affected by my tale. I suppose that any human monarch unaccustomed to war would react in a similar way, even though it would be to a lesser extent.

“You've been killing each other since the dawn of your species?” Twilight's question was quiet, almost silent, but rang out as though she had yelled. Perhaps I should have focused on the positive segments of human history, but that's water under the bridge. “How could you do something like that?”

“Bloodshed has been a natural part of human existence.” I shrugged that out, and the Unicorn wasn't satisfied with it.

“Are you seriously going to sit there and try to justify that much death?” Just who did she think she was? I am seriously considering bringing in my full debate skills into this, but I suppose that conversation would be way too long to be productive, so maybe another time.

“I am not having this argument with you, not right now.” Twilight appeared to begin a rebuttal, but was thankfully cut off by Nurse Redheart entering the hall.

“He's waking up, do any of you want to see him?” I'm not going to speak on behalf of the Princess, it's her call. Of course, that didn't mean she was going to make it by herself. I wonder if Celestia had read Jay's mind, what side-effects would he feel?

I truly have no idea.

You're getting better at that, didn't even feel the brain tickle that time. I also noticed that the mania hadn't returned, despite the fact that the tranquilizer's effects had worn off some time ago. Well, Princess, what's the word? We going in?

I'm amazed that you're asking. I have no idea how she managed to display sarcasm, but she did. It's magic, I don't have to explain shit. With that, I cut off as much access as I could, trying to keep her out of any area I deem unfit.

I would appreciate it if you wouldn't go through my things.

But you aren't going mad, wasn't that your primary concern? I knew that she was fully aware of my apprehension to have the little talks. But, I suppose the two of us should see to him, it would do some good for him to be in the company of friends.

Define friends. Celestia giggled a bit, outside my mind. I bowed, and waved my hands to the door in mock chivalry. “After you, Princess.”

$%$%$%$%$%$%$

Jay's head hurt, it felt like someone had slammed a tire iron into his skull. What did Taylor do? The last thing he remembered was the laptop being shot, then white. The teen glanced around the room, he was in a hospital. That made sense, the laptop must have exploded, and someone called an ambulance, it wouldn't have surprised the teen if his friend was in a similar state. Of course, that was if he'd survived, that FTL gun might have blown up, too.

Despite how tough Jay knew his friend was, he doubted Taylor could walk away from something like that. This wasn't the worst outcome he'd experienced from his friend’s antics, these injuries didn't even rate on the same scale as the others. The teen chuckled a bit, it felt good to laugh. The enjoyment didn't last long, as the flutist came to a strange realization.

Where were his parents? If he was hospitalized, wouldn't they have rushed to see if he was okay? The teen didn't get to think, because whoever just opened the door took priority. It was a white horse, with a multicolor, flowing mane. Jay went from thinking he was in the hospital, to believing he was dead. That was the only logical explanation he could come up with, after all, it's not like he could possibly be in Equestria.

You'd be surprised, human.

“THE FUCK WAS THAT?!” Jay jumped out of the hospital bed.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

“Jay, calm down!” I probably shouldn't have yelled that, but I can't be bothered to care. No, seriously, I can't be bothered because Jay is trying to throw a fucking chair at me and Celestia. Why did Nurse Redheart even see fit to allow a steel chair in his room, in the first place? That's just bad form, in all seriousness.

Celestia caught the seating device with her magic, and gently set it down behind us. I'm glad that was the only thing in here other than the bed, because being hit with furniture hurts, usually very much.

“Could you restrain yourself?” Celestia was still calm and collected, but was not thrilled by Jay's little stunt.

“Sorry. I'm trying to hit Taylor.” Jay grabbed a pillow, why he thought that would be effective, I will never know.

“Why?” I dodged the sleep-aid in a ninja-like manner.

“Because whatever the fuck is going on is your fault.” He tossed a blanket at me, which really just fluttered in the air before landing. His response made me stop for a moment.

“Hold up, you don't know what's going on?”

“Nope, not at all.” Jay stopped for a brief time, seemingly thinking. “Can I have that chair back?”

“Hell no.” Seriously, Jay didn't know? Was this an effect of the concussion, or a side effect of the mind reading spell?

A bit of both, I'm afraid. Great, just great.

Any idea when he'll get his memory back? I hoped she knew, I really did.

Wouldn't it be easier to just explain things to him?

Yes, but then I couldn't beat the shit out of him.

“Wait, what?” Celestia hadn't bothered speaking into my mind, that left a thoroughly confused Jay. I'm glad he'd run out of things to throw, and I doubt he could lift the mattress.

“Yeah, him remembering is crucial to my revenge.” I received two curious looks, one more confused than the other.

“The hell is going on?” We ignored him, and the Princess focused on my earlier statement.

“Why?” I'm amazed the concept of vengeance is foreign to her, with the whole Discord thing and all.

“Punishing him for his treason is useless if he does not remember his crime.” I know my wording could have been better, but I did not care.

“You make it sound like it's a capital offense.” Celestia sounded motherly, a quality that I can hardly stand. She had a point, though. I did make it sound worse than it was.

“Princess, he told the three outside that I was an assassin here to kill them and free Discord.” I had a flat tone and facial expression as I spoke. “Don't you agree that he needs his ass beaten?”

“Okay, that sounds like something I would do, but I don't remember any of it.”

“You will, and when you do, I am going to murder you.” Celestia looked horrified at that.

“Fucking try it.” Jay puffed out his chest and took a step forward.

“Sit down before I throw your scrawny ass out the window.”

“I don't have a chair to sit in, now do I?” Oh, right. Jay's a smartass, I keep forgetting that. I gave Celestia a look of annoyance.

“He should remember everything in a few minutes.” She had no idea how happy I was to hear that. Actually, I do, and I’m worried by that.

Relax, I'll do it away from the other ponies.

You make it sound like you have something you're going to do before that.

Princess, trust me on this, my idea is amazing. I didn't wait for her reply, and cut the connection. I didn't even know I could do that. Maybe being human gives me some sort of magic resistance, huh, I have to try that at some point.

I must say, yes, humans have an innate resistance to most forms of magic. I thought I got rid of her. Nope, still here. You can kick me out, but I'll come right back in. Trollestia is now canon. What is this Trollestia you speak of?

“Why are you two just staring at each other?” I flipped Jay off, and headed for the door. “Where are you going?”

“To get your little friend.” I had to conceal my smirk.

“Who?”

“You'll find out, Jay. Princess, you might want to come with me for this.” Celestia looked confused, but complied. I think she fished the information from my mind, but her face did not hint at it. We reached the door in silence, Celestia was the first to leave. I kept the door open, but it was only a crack. “Applejack, could you come here for a moment?”

“What d'ya need?” Despite my hatred for rednecks, I had a fondness for the farmer, a healthy respect for her hard work. I've always felt too few people take pride in what they do.

“I'm going to do something you might not like, but it will give you the chance to break even with Jay.” Applejack looked a little more enthused than I had expected, but that was good. “Just roll with it, okay?” Applejack nodded the affirmative, and I opened the door fully.

“What's with Applejack coming in?” Jay couldn't have been prepared for what I had planned, and I hoped the farmer had some serious acting skills.

“Unfortunately, AJ, he doesn't remember a thing.” I tried to sound a little disheartened, and I think it worked. Applejack picked up and followed my lead with flying colors.

“He don't does 'e?” The farmer looked frustrated, and a bit nervous. By all that's holy, I have a actor on my hands, here!

“What's going on?” Jay was in full freak-out mode, which is always a good thing. For me it is, anyway.

“You see...” I trailed off, trying to build tension. I would bronze Jay's face if I could, but Equestrian technology does not possess the means to do so. I looked at AJ, who nodded, did she know what I was about so say? If she did, she's a trooper. “Jay, you knocked Applejack up, and refused to marry her after she found out.”

Applejack wasn't too pleased with what I'd said, but even she couldn't help but enjoy Jay's reaction. I have never seen anyone go so pale, so quickly, without hypothermia being involved. The flutist tried to speak, but only managed a few stammered syllables. I believe the British call this being gobsmacked, if that is the correct term.

“B-bullshit, there is no way our genes would even be compatible.” He tried to sound sure of himself, but I knew better. Jay was better than me when it came to dealing with people, but I could make him believe me.

“Actually...” There was a low reply from behind me. Holy shit! Thank you, Princess, you are a godsend. Any time, Taylor.

“Oh fuck my life, tell me you're joking, dude.” I shook my head, and began to close the door, that would leave AJ and Jay alone, without a means of escape.

“Have fun, you two.”

Dark Green Attracts Heat

Through the door, we heard begging, pleading, and negotiating, courtesy of Jay. For the Element of Honesty, AJ was playing along like a professional conmare. Celestia and I were having a hard time controlling our laughter, it would not be to our benefit for the flutist to figure things out. Twilight looked annoyed with me, and I think Fluttershy was indifferent to the whole situation. I know the Elements understood, but that didn't mean they liked what I did to Jay. The Princess and I had to stop ourselves from applauding the farm pony when she entered the hall, only because she left the door open.

“Well, we've come t' an agreement.” Applejack looked pleased with herself, that put me off a bit, because I never took her as one to enjoy conspiring against someone else. “Jay says he'll work th' farm t' make up fer his... behavior.”

“So, when's the deadbeat dad starting work?” I could feel Jay's self esteem dieing as I spoke. I am going to have so much fun with this, if only because I know he'll break even with me. As long as he tries to get revenge, then all is fair.

“I'll be starting tomorrow.” I have never seen him so sullen, and for some odd reason, I was starting to feel kind of bad about tricking him. Of course, the feeling quickly died, they always do.

“Thanks fer getting' this thang sorted out, Taylor.” It seemed the Element of Honesty could act, and had a flare for manipulation. Applejack left, with Jay following close behind, I almost feel for him and all the work AJ is going to make him do. Almost.

The early morning slowed to a boring pace, and Celestia excused me. I guess she knew how tired I was. I was free to go, under one stipulation: I had to assist Twilight in any way she asked. That included friendship reports and any research she felt like conducting that was too dangerous for Spike. Trixie wanted to come with me, but Nurse Redheart noticed her stitches, my work is not exactly Mayo Clinic, and requested that she stay to be examined.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

I woke up around noon. Not because of the sun being in my eyes, I could just roll over to avoid that, but because my Chevy is dark green. If I'm being too subtle, I'm saying it was as hot as Satan's asshole in the cab. Right about the time I stepped out, into the mud my truck was partially buried in, I remember what had happened over the past thirty hours.

It was then that I was glad Trixie had needed to stay at the hospital to get stitched up, again. I say that, because I slammed my fist into the hood, and was immediately reminded of the solid steel body. Imagine slamming your hand into a piece of steel sheet metal, doesn't feel good, does it? My possibly fractured fingers aside, I was certain today was going to be a good day. Wait... I owe Lyra some answers, don't I?

Fuck my life. I just shook my head and opened my truck's seat. A wonderful feature of the 1992 Chevrolet Silverado was the added storage space behind the seats, just pull a lever and poof!, instant hiding spot for... stuff. Not just any stuff, my Fallout: New Vegas Collector's Edition Vault-Tec Standard Issue Vault 21 Playing Cards. Well, time for a game of solitaire.

$%$%$%$%$%$%$%

At Sweet Apple Acres, Jay was awoken by Big Mac ringing a very loud bell next to his head.

“What time is it?” Jay rubbed the sleep from his eyes.

“Jus' before sunrise, time ta' start on the west field.” Big Mac had a drawl, but not as exaggerated as Applejack's. Hold up, just before sunrise? That meant Jay had gotten about a half hour of sleep. Today was going to suck, he just knew it would.

$%$%$%$%$%$%$%

...and, done! Wow, I've never finished a game of solitaire before. I usually just get frustrated and ragequit, its not my fault I don't know how to play. Well, regardless of how I can pass the time, there are more productive things I can do. Maybe Trixie could help free my truck, or Twilight, I know Lyra would offer her assistance. Then there's the matter of storing it somewhere, and procuring parts for any repairs I may need to perform, if I know how. I may have created a semi-affordable method of FTL travel, but when it comes to the inner working of an automobile, I might as well be reading Confucius' untranslated manuscripts.

The first step I took in the direction of Ponyville sent a bolt of pain up my leg. I should have gotten that cut looked at, it probably needed stitches, definitely a good disinfection. I took my boot off, and immediately knew I was in deep shit. There was the beginnings of an infection, the area was very tender, and the skin was inflamed. Well, at least I don't have gangrene. Against my better judgment, I put my sock and boot back on, and started limped back toward the hospital I had spent a number of hours in last night.

$%$%$%$%$%$%$%

“What exactly am I supposed to do?” Jay and Big Mac were standing outside a small portion of the orchard, just on the border of the Everfree, right about where Jay had first emerged.

“Yer s'posed ta buck the trees, like this.” Big Mac gave an apple tree a hard kick, and the fruit fell perfectly into a number of preset buckets. That was a neat trick, Jay mentally noted to learn that at some point.

“Is this right?” The flutist slammed his foot into the trunk of an adjacent tree. He succeeded in hurting his foot, but failed at knocking any apples loose. The tree remembered seeing Taylor punch the wall of a shed, put his fist right through. That was how hard Jay had kicked the tree, and it didn't even drop one of its fruit from the force.

“Maybe ya should try somethin' else.” Big Mac spoke in his calm, even way, but the flutist heard some apprehension in his voice. The teen was determined not to be a burden on this family, previous events notwithstanding. Jay started to climb the tree, which was not difficult, the bottom of the canopy was fairly low. “What're ya doin' up there?” Big Mac was very confused by the human's antics.

“Getting apples.” The response may have been inadequate, but the results would answer all questions the red stallion had. The treetop shook violently, and its delicious fruit fell neatly into the buckets.

“Ah guess ya've got this.” Big Mac looked impressed, it wasn't every day he saw anything that wasn't a member of his family knock so many apples from a tree. As he turned to leave, Jay had already started to climb another, despite how unorthodox his methods may have been, he got results. Of course, no sooner he had said that, Jay fell from the canopy. “Maybe not.”

East Bound and Down

“How did you know I’d be back so soon?” I was talking to Twilight, who had been here for a number of hours. I think she was waiting on me. At any rate, my infection was cured, and my foot sewn shut, I needed to keep from running for the next few days, but at least I was on the mend.

“I saw you limping last night.” That answer told me more than she had intended. Apparently, my foot was hurting last night, why hadn't I noticed? Must have been how hectic the day had been, so I can't say much to that effect. I could, however, make the most of this situation.

“So, you just couldn't keep your eyes off me, huh?” I punctuated the sentence with a wink. I always figured Twilight to be the easily embarrassed sort, and I was glad to see how correct I my assumption had been. That is, to say, very. The Unicorn went from lavender to scarlet within a second, quite the transformation.

“It was nothing like that! I was just making an observation.” I had known that, of course. The two of us shared a common factor: our analytical minds. Our outstanding intelligence, combined with equally keen observation skills, made for excellent information gathering and retention.

“Nothing to be ashamed of, Twilight.” I can be a pretty nice guy when I want to be. Of course, those occasions are rare in the extreme. I just don't like people, they're too loud, ask too many questions. I don't mind teaching others, but if they can't understand me, that's their problem, not mine. “I am, after all, a unique specimen of a species you are unfamiliar with. I know for a fact that if our positions were reversed, I would do the same.”

“I'm glad to see that we're on the same page.” She was smiling as she spoke, apparently satisfied with my response. With that smile, I knew there was curiosity. I am happy to teach, because I know she's willing to learn.

“Twilight, how would you like to see a piece of human technology?” Just because I would explain some things to her did not mean that I wouldn't do my very best to get something out of the arrangement.

“Only if you agree to explain its purpose.”

$%$%$%$%$%$%

Getting apples out of the trees was the easy part. Jay was only thinking that because he felt moving the filled cart back to the barn was much more difficult. Big Mac had left the cart and buckets behind him, trusting the human to get the job done. The flutist accomplished his appointed task, and a little extra. Considering how many men would have taken to the hills after being told they'd knocked up someone, he felt he was doing pretty well.

He still didn't know it was a lie, it didn't matter to him right now, anyway. Jay was working under a fairly large amount of guilt, striving towards personal redemption. The teen could be a complete ass, but he was equally capable of stepping up the plate and getting shit done. He would continue his attempts at appeasing the Apple family, which would probably include marrying Applejack so the kid would have both parents around.

That meant Jay was stuck here, regardless of how circumstances improved. Even if Taylor found and fixed the FTL gun, the flutist couldn't go home, couldn't continue his education. He'd never see his family again, never graduate high school, never accomplish any of his dreams. Right now, it sucked to be Jay Braden.

To top off this cake of depression, the teen just lost feeling in his legs.

$%$%$%$%$%$%$%

“What is that?” I can understand Twilight's curiosity, but her slight fear caught me off guard. Then again, I would be scared of a strange, metal object that was painted dark green and brought by an alien creature. I have a fear of Master Chief, so what? It probably didn't help that there was a bloodstain on the tailgate from when I stabbed the manticore. How had that not attracted more predators?

“That, Miss Sparkle, is a Chevrolet Silverado. Long story short, it is a vehicle that is propelled via internal combustion engine turning a drive shaft that turn the rear axle, giving the rear wheels rotation. The engine burns fossil fuels, namely gasoline, a refined product of crude oil.” I may not know the true inner working of the modern engine, but I do know the basics. “I need you to get it out of the mud.”

“Can you get it working if I do?” She would help me, I could tell, but she needed confirmation of my ability to repair any possible damage.

“I'll see what I can do, but we'll have to see.” I think she found the answer appropriately satisfying, because she started to levitate the truck from its prison. I'm not sure how much it weighed, but Twilight did have to strain herself, very slightly, to lift it. It doesn't need to be said, but I was nearly awestruck by the display. Magic must have been so normal to them, that I was left wondering about how it had affected their society through the ages. I was also curious to see how Twilight could manage without her magic to assist her.

“Can we go inside?” She tried to act professional, but I could hear the youthful enthusiasm in her voice. She was almost child-like in her curiosity, a feeling that I sorely missed. I then realized that there was a rather impressive collection of porn in the driver-side floorboard. How the hell am I going to explain that?

$%$%$%$%$%$%$%

It struck Jay as odd that he hadn't seen Granny Smith or Applebloom yesterday. Maybe they were mad at him, he could understand Granny Smith fitting the part, but the school-age filly probably didn't understand the implications. Jay amused the thought that either Applebloom hadn't been told, or she was excited over getting a niece or nephew in the near future. The flutist chuckled a little, even in this shitty situation, any good smartass can find something to laugh about.

The cart was currently being unloaded by Applejack. She had been impressed by how many buckets the flutist had filled, and she knew how much a full cart can weigh. The load was easy for her, but for something as scrawny as Jay, it must have been substantial. The farm pony felt a bit sick to her stomach about carrying the teen along like this, she could understand a little corporate dishonesty, but faking a pregnancy was too much.

His memory had better be restored soon, AJ just didn't know how long she could keep this lie going.

$%$%$%$%$%$%$%

“Is that what I think it is?” I had moved the porno mags to the passenger's floorboard, and hoped Twilight wouldn't notice. I was dead wrong.

“Are you referring to the dry rotted ceiling liner?”

“I meant the picture of Trixie with her genitals exposed.” She barely finished that sentence before the full extent of her statement set in, and she came to a horrifying realization. Not only did I have a rather copious amount of pony erotica in my truck, but Trixie was a centerfold in one of the skin mags, or was that fur mags?, and said centerfold had possibly spent an unknown amount of time with me, alone. Jesus Hudson Christ, I must look like huge pervert right now.

“I know this looks bad, but those are not mine.” I've never had to explain porn to anyone before, so this was new to me. I hope the excuse would work.

“Then whose are they?” I noticed that she hadn't run away screaming yet, so that was a good sign. How do I word this without making Trixie look bad, while keeping my own head above water?

“I'm not going to lie, I looted them from Trixie's wagon after I patched her up the first time.” I took her confusion as an opportunity. I placed the ignition key into its slot, and turned fully.

As if by some miracle, the engine roared to life.

$%$%$%$%$%$%$%

Jay ran this idea by me: he gets magic.
I personally don't want to do that.
You get to decide if I go cliche or not.

Fun Fact: My Truck Has no Airbags

“Is this what humans do all the time?” Twilight was yelling, but I really can't understand her fear. I mean, sure, we nearly flipped after that last turn, but seriously! She just can't handle the awesomeness of my truck.

“Well, I do.” We hit a dip in the road, and Twilight hit the ceiling. The seat belt didn't really work with her anatomy, and she found sitting like me to be too uncomfortable. Too bad for her, because metal is hardly comfortable.

“Ow...” She rubbed a hoof over the rapidly forming bump. That was going to be sore for quite a while. That did nothing to stop me from laughing at her pain. What can I say? I can be a very cruel person. Cruel, but not malicious, I almost never cause harm to bystanders.

“Watch out.” I speak in a very even tone for the most part. That is something many of my friends have learned to accept, but most strangers find it to be rather irritating. Twilight, however, had taken to listening, and braced herself. That would have been fine, if we were about to hit another bump or dip, instead, I hit the brakes. I know quadrupeds can't balance very well in moving vehicles, but Twilight's face hitting the dashboard was too goddamn funny.

She may have been mad at me for it, but we were at our destination.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

Trixie Lulamoon, despite her abrasive nature, was an avid reader of fiction. Her inability to sleep last night had only served as fuel for her hobby. The showmare was currently on the last page of her sixth book, a new record, considering their individual sizes. In truth, she was bored out of her skull, but she had no other options. The guardian angel, what the purple Unicorn that had embarrassed her had called a human, such an odd word.

Of course, odd described everything about the strange creature and his equally unusual associate. Jay, the showmare recalled, was the thin one's name, and Taylor was the one that had saved her life. In truth, Trixie enjoyed the company of that one, the ache in her injuries dulled ever-so-slightly when he was around, a curious effect. The showmare was still wearing the human's jacket, which was quite comfortable, if somewhat dirty.

Without pause, without a sign that she was behaving unusually, the blue Unicorn began looking for a new book to read. She was considering Griffin folktales, that subject had often interested her as a filly.

$%$%$%$%$%$%$%

“Is this safe?” Twilight was referring to my current endeavor. I would like to take a moment to explain something: I like doing strange things, eccentric genius and all that. Well, at the moment, I was trying to rig Trixie's wagon to the hitch on my truck, so I could tow it back to Ponyville. It sure as hell wasn't moving on its own any time soon.

“Probably not.” I made another loop with the logging chain, the thick, heavy type of chain used in lumber mills to haul trees to and fro. I suppose it would have sufficed, given enough patience and work. I was very thankful that Twilight had agreed to help me fix the wagon, given her history with Trixie.

“Then why are you doing this?” She just couldn't understand, and I doubt she would unless I took the time to explain human nature to her. I don't have anywhere near enough time to teach that amount of material, even if I never leave Equestria. That thought wasn't as depressing as I had originally anticipated, I wonder why.

“Because I can.” Did I need any other explanation? I think not, ow, where was I? Oh, right, we climbed back into the cab, and I cranked the engine. Without further ado, we drove towrds Ponyville, following the dirt road so seldom used.

$%$%$%$%$%$%$%

Applejack could hardly bare it any longer. Jay just... sat there, waiting to be told what to do. The Element of Honesty did not enjoy lying to the teen. Despite having very little exposure to him, the farm pony could see how depressed he was. This was an intelligent being, and she was giving him false information, about his offspring, for heaven's sake! She resolved herself to tell him the truth, tomorrow. There was more to be done around the farm in the meantime.

“Alright, Jay, that's it fer today.” She waved him inside. For once, Applejack was glad her sister was over at Rarity's for a sleepover. The human would be too much to explain to the schoolfilly. That wasn't factoring in the added lies. Why had she let the other human talk her into this situation? There seemed to be no positive outcome. “It's time fer supper.”

The human stalked into the farmhouse like the living dead, eager to eat something, to offset the caloric burn of the day. Apples, apples, and, what do you know, more apples, a balanced meal. Thankfully, Granny Smith was visiting family in Fillydelphia, something about a golden moon and seeing Cousin Fritter about a new cart axle. The family matron's absence only made things easier for the two adult ponies of the household, and kept the farmer from giving another explanation. Big Mac's had been difficult enough, even though he understood why the human was staying with them, he hadn't been pleased by what he'd been told.

Applejack suppressed a sigh, if Jay didn't get his memory back soon, she'd tell him the truth, Taylor be damned!

$%$%$%$%$%$%$%

To be honest, I've done some pretty stupid shit. In fact, back home, I was one lab accident away from giving up on my dreams and becoming a super villain. The only thing actually stopping me wasn't my conscience, or what passed as morals for me. Nope, the only thing that kept me on the path of militant neutrality was my inability to come up with a sweet name.

Hearing Twilight's panicked screams made joining the Dark Side of Science oh so tempting. Ponyville's roads aren't very forgiving outside the city limits, they had many potholes, hills, and sharp turns. I was going about sixty miles per hour, given that my truck wasn't a four-wheel drive, this was dangerous as all fuck. Really, I know what I’m talking about, see, this one time, my buddy Keith and I...

“Slow down!” Why was Twilight so scared? I can get away with driving like a maniac, was my earlier demonstration not example enough? It didn't matter that I'd gotten us two wheels at the last turn, in a top-heavy truck, towing a large wagon... okay, I see the point.

“Why, I can see Ponyville over the next hill?” I could, there wasn't that much distance between Trixie's wagon and the town, Jay and I must have taken the long way through the Everfree, despite it being a straight line.

“Because I don't want anypony getting hurt!” Right, pedestrians, Equestrian pedestrians, that's fun to say. But I can see her point, so I slowed to thirty, below the average speed of residential streets in my area. She seemed pleased by my action, if I was stuck working for her, I might as well earn some brownie points with my new boss.

For anyone who doesn't know, my truck's engine is loud. I could tell that there weren't many things that the locals had been exposed to that maintained a volume this high. Ponies ran inside, a pony I recognized as Berry Punch almost threw her foal indoors, overprotective parents, you just can't avoid them. I should correct that, most ponies ran inside the various structures, there were still some standing about.

I could see that among them, I'd personally met one: Lyra was out and about, with Bon-Bon in tow. She was awestruck by the machine that passed her, so I waved as Twilight and I went. Bon-Bon was equally stunned, I guess she never expected her roommate's theories to be correct. I preferred those reactionss to some of the others I received, namely from mares with young foals, who were crying because of the loud noises. There were still some looks of amazement, even curiosity, but very few of confidence.

That was before I noticed a derpy-eyed mare with a Unicorn filly, accompanied by a brown Earth stallion with an hourglass on his flank. Holy shit, Derpy, Dinky and Whooves all walking together, now that is a Kodak moment. I could do without the look I was getting from the Doctor, it said I'm watching you, boy. I can't say how I felt about that, but it had my hopes up that maybe, just maybe, this Doctor was the Doctor. That meant he would have a TARDIS, that meant a possible way home, but I'll only go to him as a last resort.

I waved at the group as Twilight and I passed.

The Universe Heard Twilight Thinking

By the time we'd arrived to the farm, the sun had nearly set. I was pleasantly surprised to see everyone inside remain calm about what must have sounded like a monster approaching. The ponies, and Jay, came outside to investigate, but I'm certain my friend knew what had just pulled up to the dwelling. I think he's still an amnesiac, pity, I was looking forward to bashing his skull in, but that can wait, I'm nothing if not patient.

“What in tarnation is that?” Applejack drawled in amazement, I can't say I blamed her, modern technology is almost magical anyone unfamiliar with it. I killed the engine, and my passenger exited the vehicle, with me tailing her.

“Applejack, humans have wagons that move on their own!” Twilight was obviously excited, at telling someone about what she'd learned, or being free of the cab, I have no idea which. Nor do I have any idea why she called the automobile a wagon, I had clearly stated that while it was similar, it was also incredibly more complicated.

“That's not a wagon, it's a truck.” Jay was speaking in monotone, seems his day of work had given him time to think, understand what the implications of his misdeeds, however fictitious they may have been. I think I may have crossed the line, not that I care, I just wanted to make a note of it. Part of me should feel bad, but I had a feeling that he'd be back to his old self soon enough, and revenge was part of the package.

“Okay, why is it pullin' that wagon behind it?” I'm not sure she recognized it, it bore little resemblance to Trixie's old one. I doubt she cared for who the owner was, but better safe than sorry, I sincerely doubt I can bullshit to the Element of Honesty.

“This is Trixie's, the axle broke on her way here, she was changing it when the manticore attacked her.” Of course I told the truth, I didn't want to end up in the same boat as Jay, actually, I just didn't want AJ pissed at me. Not that I was afraid of her, I've tangoed with the farmer pony before, but her brother was intimidating, as things of his size usually are.

“Ah suppose yer lookin' tah keep it outta th' weather, aren't ya'?” Applejack asked with a slight smirk, and I wondered if she would allow it.

“Only if you're okay with it.” I gave a friendly smile. I should make it very clear, years of stoicism has made facial expressions very difficult for me, so I only managed to grin on my right side. Underdeveloped facial muscles for the win! But, seriously, it makes the little that I can express that much more sincere.

“'Fraid Ah can't, sorry.” Her face and mine fell in unison. I was not angry, far from it, I was simply frustrated. Finding a place to store my truck was essential to keeping harmful technology out of the hooves of ponies, simply essential! If only the task was essentially simple.

“I was worried you would say that.” To be fair, she's done more than enough for me, she doesn't need any extra burden. Besides, it would give her something else to worry about, and that was the very last thing Applejack needed. I could tell that she was affected rather heavily by lying to Jay, she would likely break under the pressure. Regardless, my own problem takes precedence over those of the farmer, at least in my opinion.

I had a feeling AJ's apprehension would take care of itself.

$%$%$%$%$%$%$%

“The War of the Tribunal.” Trixie repeated the odd title to herself. She had never come across any mentions of this Tribunal anywhere before, even during her brief stay in the Pridelands. What was stranger still, this entry seemed more like a recorded speech or lecture rather than a tale of mythology. The showmare put the odd discrepancy aside, and began her reading.

In the Times Before, we lived alongside with them. They were were our brothers in battle, eager to fight and defend our mutual home with their very lives. It is with a heavy heart that I must inform the Council that this has changed. I speak, of course, of our former allies: the humans.

Three days ago, a small detachment of troops entered the city Ivoryclaw, the visitors were noted as behaving strangely, more so than we often expect of humans. Without warning, they attacked, killing hens and chicks indiscriminately. The raiders were quickly killed by the local guard, but the damage would reach much farther. In the next three days, we received reports of no less than six of our cities and towns falling within the first hour of attack.

Despite how quickly we reacted upon receiving this news, we were too late. Nestopia was burned to the ground, as well as Ironwall, and Nevermore. Each was razed to its foundation, its inhabitants killed and its lands salted. The words First was Carthage, now Knossos will feel our wrath. Chancellor Azuhral deserves a traitor's death. It wasn't until the next day that we discovered their campsites.

Six thousand strong, at the very least, rested in the canyon. The camps, as they were grouped separately, consisted of men, women and children, though they all prepared themselves for battle. Within the largest tent, near the compound's center, resided the army's leaders. Those aiding the humans in this act of treason were none other than the chancellor's most trusted advisers: the Tribunal.

Trixie had read enough. Surely the griffins were describing something other than humans, her guardian angel couldn't have belong to a race so savage. Even if they were connected, the story was from two thousand years ago, more than enough time for culture to improve even the most brutal of savages. The showmare closed the book, eager to get some fresh air. She resolved to ask Taylor about any past interactions with griffins, major or minor, and get some confirmation on the validity of the story.

Returning the tome to its rightful place on the shelf, Trixie began her search for something else to occupy her time.

$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%

Well, that trip was a bust. Now I’ve got to find somewhere else to store this shit. In all seriousness, this is going to be a slight irritation. If only Applejack had allowed me to keep my stuff in her barn. Of course, I understand her reasons for denying me, she has to minimize Applebloom's exposure to the human element that was quickly making its home in Ponyville. Even so, I doubt driving to Twilight's library is stealthier than hiding the vehicles in the barn.

Have I mentioned how strangely even Ponyville's roads are? It was like they were paved, then flat dirt was place over the cement. Outstandingly even ground, that is the picture I am trying to paint here. Travel was pretty quick, and we reached the library in about ten minutes. We would have gotten there faster if someone hadn't insisted that I drive slowly during the sunset. Despite how short the drive was, it gave me time to think.

Would it be considered normal to find the thought of never going home a little depressing?

$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%

As Twilight and Taylor entered the library, Trixie was finishing her eighth hoof of Blackjack against Spike. The little dragon was quite the shark, the showmare thought he must have been cheating. That wasn't the case, actually, Trixie just sucked at card games.

“I see you're still wearing my hoodie.” Taylor's voice was oddly bass-y, an unusual characteristic in ponies. Perhaps the trait was more commonplace in humans, but the ponies had no way of finding out.

“Of course, it's very comfortable.” Twilight thought Trixie's snarky comments to the human would have been found offensive, however, the opposite proved true. Taylor took them in stride, and dealt them just as easily. Somewhere, the showpony and teen found a mutual respect for one another, which the Element of Magic found endlessly confusing.

“Just make sure it is clean when you return it.” Of course, it may have had something to do with Trixie's near-death experience, gratitude can be a powerful emotion. Regardless of how strange the human was, certain gestures had meanings either identical, or very similar, to those used by Equestrians, as evidenced by his small smile.

All in all, Twilight supposed things could have gone much worse.

Insert Clever Name Here

Unbeknownst to most, Jay was a sleepwalker. It only happened when he was stressed, but it did happen. Being stuck in Equestria for an unknown period of time, while believing that he had impregnated a local and would be unable to ever return home, provided more than sufficient amounts of stress to cause his abnormality.

If on were to look inside the barn, they would have fund a number of buckets neatly stacked atop one another, in a pyramidal shape. Why a pyramid? The world may never know the odd patterns the flutist's mind followed.

In any event, Jay woke up shortly before Big Mac could even exit the house, which was quite the feat. However, the teen wasn't in the hay loft, where he had bedded down, rather, he was in the orchard, under a large apple tree. What happened? Where was he? Why was he outside in the cold? The questions raced through his mind at the speed of light, and found no answers.

The flutist dug deep within the recesses of his mind.

And he remembered everything.

$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%

I have slept on many things in my life. Sand, cement, steel, wood, you name it, I've spent about six hours on it. However, in all of my experience in the art of deep sleep, I have never found wood so comfortable. Apparently, Twilight's tree home was made of a strange mutation of oak or some other hardwood, and here I'd thought natural selection had dropped the ball in Equestria. I still did, because a tree this thick shouldn't be soft, it would break in the wind.

All botany aside, I slept fairly well, if not too lightly. That's just me, I don't sleep very heavily, if you open the door of my room, I wake up, and that door is pretty fucking quiet. Meh, I don't mind that I had a full night's rest, but I am suspicious. I had spent the night, my second in Equestria, in the home of Twilight Sparkle, apprentice to the Princess and, to my knowledge, a possible user of the mind reading spell. I needed to keep on my guard, or Twilight may learn more than she needs. Of course, she was the least of my worries at the moment.

There were three Elements that I had yet to meet, and each brought their own problems. Rarity would likely have me tearing my eyes out when she complains about my clothing. Dash would likely attack me, or flee on sight, depending on who was around at the time. She may put on a brave face, but I could see insecurity under her facade, however, that may not hold true in person. I believe I shall devote some study into the differences between the show's portrayal, and how Equestria actually is. Note to self: stop think theses things around a potential mind reader.

Of the three Elements that remained, Pinkie was the wild card. I mean that in every possible sense of the term, there was no way to determine what her first move would be. Evading her until I have a plan of action will require a large portion on my cunning.

Scratch that. All of my cunning.

$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%

Princess Celestia's morning routine was almost set in stone. She would rise before dawn, raise the sun, eat a breakfast of domestic fruits, and go about her daily business. She would, but today, the court was closed from the public. Renovations, nothing major, but Celestia was thankful for that.

She had more entertaining things to do right now.

Reading minds can be difficult at this distance, but centuries of experience had made the usually daunting task rather simple. However, dream walking and thought reading were two very different things, one had to be physically touching the subject to see his or her dreams. But that was soon remedied by Jay's early awakening. The Princess immediately began to dig for information.

Finding that this human's mind was less ordered, more chaotic in nature, she learned very little. Thankfully, there were no side effects, other than her unwanted assistance in retrieving Jay's memories. The Solar Princess felt an immediate rush of hatred and scorn fill the teen's mind, that was worrying in the extreme.

Careful, your friend is armed, and he wouldn't hesitate to kill you if you were perceived as a threat. The manipulation was subtle, Jay couldn't pick up on it as well as Taylor had, his thoughts were too unorganized for it. The human put off his plans for vengeance when he realized that what the almost unheard voice in his head had advised was true, and swayed him against attack. While the monarch felt no obligation to either of her nation's visitors, she believed avoiding violence was the best course of action possible for all involved.

The scrawny human dropped his ill conceived plans for revenge, and instead opted to attack that afternoon, when his compatriot would be tired and complacent. Celestia giggled to herself, the thought of Taylor just lazing about was incredibly funny to her. Speaking of the other human, the Princess wondered what he was up to, there hadn't been an update yet, as requested. However, Celestia never gave him a time frame in which to send her any such letter, nor when she would be expecting it. Of course, she ignored any logical action and went straight for the mind reading.

Princesses can be bored, too.

I just need to avoid arousing suspicion, act normal, then Twilight won't read my mind. Better she avoided everything in here, despite her thirst for knowledge, however admirable it may be. Taylor was worried about Twilight taking a peak inside his noggin? That was too rich, Celestia chuckled to herself a bit. Of course, if she finds out about FiM, she may suffer an existential crisis, and the fourth wall can't handle that kind of stress, it gets enough from Pinkie.

Well, now it all made sense. Taylor and Jay were bronies, that's how they knew how to get into contact with the Elements and, by proxy, herself. The clever humans used her subjects' dependance on her as a means to their end. Well played, humans, well played indeed. Celestia had first learned of the television show some a little over a year ago, some Internet dweller had ended up in Equestria shortly after Luna's return. The meeting had been strange, to say the very least.

Long story short, the Princess had a wealth of knowledge related to bronies and what they knew. Which, actually, could be just about anything, depending on what the minds at Hasbro had discerned from this world. The Solar Princess never bothered to question how they knew of Equestria, every human she had met before had been thoroughly surprising, if only by sheer variability in behavior. In truth, she had cultivated the ability to predict their unpredictable actions.

Good, good, after all that is done and over, I can flee to Mexicolt, start a new life, maybe grow a beard. No one will find the body, well, what's left of it, and I’ll just disappear. What the actual fuck was he thinking about? Celestia chastised herself for the profanity, a bad habit she had while inside Taylor's head, the human's mind was full of horrible obscenities. Good plan, brain, now take five, you need a break. Who's that at the door? Shit...

$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%

“Ready to answer my questions? You promised, after all.” Lyra had a smile that shined like a million brilliant suns. Just gave me a fucking headache.

“Who's at the door?” Twilight's voice came from upstairs, this early I guess she wouldn't be up and about just yet. Why did Lyra have to be a morning pony?

“Just me, Twilight, I'm here to talk to Taylor.” Did they know each other? If so, that rules.

“That's fine, but, could you keep it down? Spike's feeling a bit under the weather.” Dragons get sick? Huh, who would've thought?

“Can Trixie stay and listen? She is curious as well.” When the hell did she get here? That settles it, man, mares be trippin'. I sighed in defeat, there was no exit, short of self-defenestration*. I sat down and resigned myself to my fate.

“What do you want to know first?”

$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%

*Defenestrate: verb; to throw an object, usually a person, out of a window. (English just got 20% cooler!)

Also, on an unrelated note:

In The Equestrian Bloodmoon, who should the Dovahkiin be? Specify Race/Gender/Build.

If I don't get many responses, or they are too varied, I'll go with the vanilla Nord from the trailer and demo.

Magic n' Stuff

Time skip four hours ahead.

$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” I only bothered asking because Lyra's suggestion sounded awful. Just my opinion on the matter. Then again, I’ve had worse ideas.

“Of course!” Her voice was one of enthusiasm. “I get to be human for a day, and Twilight gets to observe how two humans behave around each other.”

“She's all ready seen how Jay and I act around each other.” I knew my point wasn't valid, but neither was Lyra's. You can't base human behavior on two individuals, you'd need huge amounts of research to even scratch the surface.

“But Jay isn't female.” Lyra thought she had me in a corner, she was dead wrong.

“And you aren't human.”

“Not yet.” Lyra smirked in triumph. I don't see a way out of this mess, dammit.

“You still don't have my support in this endeavor.” I sighed in defeat, the human-loving mare had won our little debate. The sea-foam pony would spend the next twenty-four hours as a human, and I would act as though she truly was. The spell was complicated, so Lyra, Trixie, and Twilight had partially prepared before they had informed me of their plans. At least Trixie and Twilight had buried the hatchet. The showmare and Element took their respective places on the runed circle's rim.

“Trixie is looking forward to this, she's certain it will be most interesting.” A blue glow enveloped her horn. This spell would take a considerable amount of energy, even though it would only take a few moments to cast, Trixie was all ready sweating from the effort, despite having only worked for a few seconds.

“I suppose an experiment is an experiment.” Twilight's horn joined Trixie's in the light show. The Element of Magic had higher reservoirs, but she, too, began to tire from the strain. I wonder how much longer they could hold the enchantment.

“See, Taylor, things are going to be just fine.” Lyra sounded rather pleased with herself. I suppose, given similar circumstances, I'd be the same way, for instance: my FTL gun's success, if you could call it that. “Nothing can possibly go wrong here.” Lyra, you just fucked us over.

I had not time to respond, the magic cut me off. A prismatic glow expanded from the center of the circle. I can attest, it was breathtakingly beautiful. Red, blue, green, white, even light that seemed to mimic the crushing darkness of the void, all shined from Lyra's magic-wrapped body. I haven't seen anything as stunning as this before now, and I sincerely doubt I will ever see anything to rival it. Before my eyes, the sea-foam mare began to change shape.

You'd think that for someone so familiar with the possible inner workings and theoretical applications for shape-shifting, I'd be somewhat prepared for this display.

You'd be wrong.

In a moment, just as suddenly as it had begun, the shining magic faded. Inside the circle, instead of the familiar mare, as I had half expected, lay a woman with green hair. In a way, I had hoped the spell would fail, nothing personal against any of the Unicorns involved, but the scientist in me wanted so justice done to the limits of biology.

“What happened?” Lyra groaned and rubbed her head. If she wasn't so out of it, I imagine she would have been amazed by her new-found hands. “Why am I so cold?” She was shaking slightly, but it wasn't that chilly, I'd wager it was somewhere in the seventies, Fahrenheit of course.

“I think your skin might be a bit sensitive.” Twilight panted out her answer. Despite magic being her very core, she had experienced some difficulty with the transformative spell. Lyra's face at receiving the news was equivalent to mine if I should ever, somehow, build a working time machine.

“It worked!?” Lyra jumped up, and immediately fell face-first onto the wooden floor.

“Trixie must say, even she couldn't have hoped for a better outcome.” Oddly enough, the showmare didn't sound self-absorbed.

“Even humans crawl on all four of our limbs before we master walking, Lyra.” I couldn't help but find some dark enjoyment in her discomfort. I'm not that bad of a guy, just a little warped. To my surprise, she took my joke as advice, and rose on her hands and knees. She was facing away from me, which gave me quite the view, but, being a gentleman, I averted my gaze. “Maybe I should get my hoodie for you.”

“Why?” Lyra turned her entire body to face me. As she completed her one-eighty, Twilight and Trixie immediately understood my reaction, the mares' faces turned bright scarlet. Only now did I have ample opportunity to see Lyra's human body. I will now pause rational thought for a moment.

DAMN! LOOK AT THOSE KNOCKERS!

And I'm back, what did I miss?

“Because you are currently indecent.” As much as I hate seeing large breasts covered, it was necessary to keep me from being very uncomfortable. I think Twilight had carried my jacket upstairs to be washed, it could certainly use it.

“I-I have to agree with Taylor on this.” Twilight quickly hurried out of the room, but she did pause briefly on the stairs. Perhaps she was worried about this situation devolving into the uncouth banter she had witnessed between my friend and I? Or was she worried about something a bit more... mature?

What's going on?

Go away, Celestia, you're not welcome here.

I can be wherever I want, I'm the Princess.

I won't hesitate, Tia, enjoy my gore collection. She cut the line, after I heard some gagging noises. I was rather pleased with myself.

“Hey, Taylor.” Lyra's voice roused me from my thought-based conversation.

“Yes, Lyra?” What could she possibly want now? I doubt it could be anything too major, she has bigger issues right now.

“What are these?” Despite myself, I had assumed she meant her fingers, toes, or feet. However, I don't regret looking back at her. In one hand, she hefted one of her breasts, unable to discern its use. Pushing the dirty thoughts from my mind, though I'm not forgetting any of this, I took a deep breath.

“Tits, boobs, bazookas, cha-chas, breasts, hubcaps, sweater meat, jugs, cans, funbags, hooters, Godzillas, clams, chesticles, gazzongas, the twin peaks, and mammaries.” Lyra and Trixie looked stunned, not because of all the slang terms for them, or their purpose. Maybe that was Trixie's reason, but I know it wasn't the sea-foam mare's. She was shocked that she'd played with them, but I have no idea why.

“Are they always so... big?” Trixie seemed a bit jealous that Lyra's breasts were hold my attention, that's just cute.

“Nope, I've seen bigger in some of my dreams.” Just what sort of things had Lyra seen? The only bigger examples I have to work with are from the Internet, curse my poorly endowed hometown, and most of those were fake. All compliments aside, this meant that, despite her intense research, Lyra was largely ignorant of human biology. Why does this not surprise me?

I will now take a brief moment to explain my own personal philosophy. Life is unpredictable and completely undecided, but what you least expected is almost bound to happen. At this very moment, I did not expect Jay to have had his memories restored. I had not anticipated that he would retaliate so quickly. I had not expected him to crawl in through a window and sneak tackle me.

Providing evidence towards my philosophy, each of those events happened that day.

As Jay and I rolled on the ground, Lyra and Trixie attempted to distance themselves from us. I suppose two quarreling humans would be quite the deterrent for most ponies. After grappling for a few moments, my flutist friend began his attempts at escape. There was no freedom to be found, compared to Jay, I'm invincible.

However, all things must come to an end, and this is no exception. Eventually, the slippery bastard weaseled himself from my grasp, effectively ending my plans to beat the living shit out of him. Hey, he remembered everything, that means I'm going to get even.

By the time I’d stood, Jay all ready had a fist reared back. He would have swung, too, if he hadn't been distracted. I saw him glance around the room, to me, Trixie, humanized Lyra, towards the stairs, then it repeated. Now, I have seen plenty of shit, some of it by choice, but what Jay did next completely stunned me. He put his hands in front of himself, and spoke in a civil tone.

“I'm going to back away slowly, and come back when there's less weird shit.” He made good on his word, and left, through the same window he'd used to enter the library. Well, that settled one issue for the time being, but left me with several more.

How the hell am I going to handle this shit.

$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%

Clop involving this chapter, written by me.

SciFi Was Better Before it Changed to SyFy

I'm not a fan of long, concrete hallways. You know the type, the ones with the too-bright florescent lights and no fucking doors until the end. Yeah, that described this one perfectly.

“Do you two remember when I told you about humans appearing here from time to time?” This better be related to the job, or I'm gonna be pissed. I'm not here for a history lesson, though I'd have loved one later.

“Of course, well, I do, anyway.” I can't quite recall if the princess ever told me, but it seemed that Jay knew what she meant.

“Wouldn't it make sense that they would bring things with them?” Of course it did, what kind of question was that?

“Tia, we came here with a Chevy Silverado and a knife. Items cross over when their owners do.” The alabaster alicorn shot me a mischievous glance in response, of course, she knew about my revolver, but that was our little secret.

“Following your logic, wouldn't it make sense to keep these items away from my little ponies?” Clever girl, she was leading Jay and I to a storage room full of items and things that once belonged to other humans that had found their way to Equestria. After walking for about forty minutes, which a long goddamn time to spend in dark corridors, we came to a set of steel doors. By doors, I mean blast doors, the sort you see in fallout shelters, damn things probably had lead inside them, too. With a push of magic, Celestia opened the way.

“Gentlemen, welcome to Marehouse Thirteen.” The princess had a grin on her face, time to put a stop to these shenanigans. I can appreciate a good joke, but a terrible one? Oh no, will not stand for it. I readied my Standard Teenage Response Cannon, something I almost never used. With a deep breath, and a prayer to prevent misfire, I launched my counterattack.

“Gaaaaaaaaay.” Both Jay and the pony looked at me as though I was insane.

“Dude, that was a solid reference.” How could he not see my hatred for the joke? Was he blind to the pain it caused me? Or had he taken sick pleasure in my torment? “What the hell is your problem?”

“It's a show about magical artifacts on SyFy, I liked that channel more when it actually showed decent horror and science fiction movies.” More of the I think you're crazy look from them.

“Moving on...” Princess Celestia knew that it wasn't good to stay on subjects that have a tendency to aggravate me, and she wisely changed the subject. With a cough to clear her throat, the alicorn flipped an oversized switch on a wall. Row after row of lights activated, illuminating the warehouse in dull light, it took about forty seconds for the ones at the far side to power on. Care to wager how big that would make this place?

The answer: Fucking huge.

“This warehouse contains every vehicle, book, device, and article of clothing that has come from Earth over the ages.” She wasn't joking, there were things that haven't existed since the... hold the fucking phone, I have a very serious question to ask.

“Do you have anything from the Library of Alexandria?” My curiosity isn't based on monetary gain, or anything like that. I genuinely wanted to see a scroll from the great library, one of my many goals in the field of academia.

“This is actually pretty embarrassing, but we haven't sorted though all of this.” The princess looked like she had been caught with her hoof in the cookie jar. She wore a sheepish smile, asking us to remain civil.

“There may have been something to send us home down here, and you didn't tell us?” I was surprised that Jay had the chance to speak before me, but, he was angrier than I was about the inaction Celestia had displayed. “What warranted that kind of secrecy? We've done nothing but cooperate since we arrived.”

“Jay, the princess and I know much more about my invention than you.” There was maybe a very slim chance of something helpful being down here, but barring experiments from Roswell, I was pretty sure that we were shit out of luck. “We'd need some crazy, alien technology to even attempt to recreate my FTL gun.”

“What about my laptop?” Was the band member still hung up on the damned thing? Jay really needed to know when to let shit lie.

“If we get back, I’ll build you a new one.” Though, returning home wasn't a guarantee at this point, even if we found both the FTL and the laptop, there was no certainty that we could open a wormhole back to our Earth.

“Well, moving on.” Celestia was wise to stop our bickering before it came to blows. “After the wedding, I want the two of you to categorize everything down here.”

“Why didn't you get one of the other humans to do this?” My inner laziness was preventing me from caring about what the alicorn wanted from me. I just wanted to do my job, get payed, then get back to Ponyville.

“Because, as unpredictable as you two are, I still trust you more than most other humans that I've met.” A flash of recognition crossed Jay's face, I think he knew more about something practical than I did. About damn time, too. “At least consider it, would you?”

I shrugged, which was my standard signal for yes. I’d put some thought into her offer.

@#@#@#@#@#@#

Isn't it amazing how huge a place can really be?

I'd never given the locations in Canterlot my full attention before, was there ever a dining room shown in the castle? Because there was one, and it would be used to store wedding gifts and the like until everything was said and done. Jay and I had been allotted three days to prepare ourselves, and I was using the time to familiarize myself with the castle grounds. Reception in the gardens, ceremony in the... I don't even know what the fuck that room could be called, and storage in the dining hall. I had the basic locations memorized, but navigating was a bit tricky, so say the least.

Shining Armor was actually a total bro, guy even invited me and Jay to his bachelor party. Because of a general lack of clothing, I was more than curious about how pony strippers worked, but I had more important things to do than stare at the product of a horrible father. The bridesmaids had arrived yesterday, but I couldn't hang out with Lyra, because it was a security risk, Celestia's own words. When Caesar says do this it is performed swiftly, I suppose. Not that I thought the princess held her power over her subjects, I knew she just wanted to be thought of like anypony else, but she still held authority.

I wonder if Jay's having more fun than me right now.

@#@#@#@#@#@#

Jay Braden was lost. While the layout of a castle seemed like it would be simple, it seemed the ponies had never so much as heard of the term. It didn't help that the walls were nearly featureless, at least in the teen's mind, white marble was white marble. It wasn't until a small flash of pink, the sensation of light impact, and the curious tingle of magic, that he found someone else roaming the halls. Well, somepony, in any case.

A pink alicorn was sprawled on the floor, her mane askew and frazzled from the bump. In an odd moment of kindness, Jay was concerned.

“Oh, sorry.” The teen extended his hand to help the pony up, paying no mind to the obvious wings and horn combination. Of course, he thought that it may have been Princess Cadence, he'd seen the ads before coming to Equestria. Not like alicorns popped up when humans were involved with Equestria, or anything.

Much to the band member's surprise, his offered hand was swatted away.

“Just watch were you're going.” The bitchy, pink pony bumped into Jay as she left. There was that familiar fizzle of magic reacting to his presence, then nothing. Wow, talk about bridezilla. It was at that time that the human resolved to attend Shining Armor's bachelor party, give the guy one last big show before that she-devil sucked the life out of him. But, one thing struck Jay as odd as Cadence retreated through the halls.

“Did that bitch just ripple?”

$%$%$%$%$%$%

Oh, listen up. Found a game that I just have to share with you guys. It's called Slender
Download it.
Play it.
Hate me for linking it to you.

The Night Before...

“I'm glad you changed your mind, Taylor” Shining Armor was grinning ear to ear, which, given the facial anatomy of equines, was very difficult.

“I told you he'd come around.” Jay was right, especially after what he told me of Cadence being a complete bitch. Well, general rudeness was expected, we were human, but slapping away an offered hand is uncalled for. Which, of course, was my reason for being here.

“I just wish we could have left the city.” I understood why Celestia hadn't let us out, Shining Armor had a barrier to keep up, we couldn't just go for a trip to Las Pegasus. Still, we were going to have fun with this bachelor party. I take back everything nasty that I've ever thought about Armor, I actually kind of felt bad for him. I don't know how many friends he has, if any, but his squad-mates were unable to attend. If we hadn't shown up, he would've been alone right now. “Las Pegasus sounds a lot like our Las Vegas.”

“It's alright, if you like drinking and gambling.” Shining Armor shrugged, right as he'd captured my full attention. Alcohol isn't really my thing, I only drink on occasion, but I'm a damn shark at blackjack, and that was a wonderful opportunity to earn money. Well, earn is a loose term, really depends on how you apply it. “I hope you guys don't mind me being nervous.”

“Understandable, you've got a big day coming up, just don't leave the bride at the altar.” Jay was joking about him getting cold feet, er, hooves as it were. Not really the sort of thing you can pull a punchline from, but he was trying. “All that matters right now is having fun, just the three of us on the town.”

“Before we get started, I need to lay down some ground rules.” This was important, the Bro Code dictated the ancient and absolute rules of bachelor parties. “If anyone asks, we don't remember anything. Not a damned thing about tonight will ever be spoken of again, unless it is between the three of us, alone.”

“You say that like we're going to get into trouble.” Armor looked a little put off at the idea of running wild. Of course, as a captain, he was held to a higher standard. Good thing photography of the groom-to-be was forbidden to prevent scandals until after the ceremony. Word of mouth, however, was still well and good, not that hanging out with two mythical creatures wouldn't damage his good name. “How are we supposed to pull off amnesia, anyway?”

“Already taken care of, my horny friend.” The unicorn blushed at my humor, surprising what embarrassed ponies, unicorns and their horns, pegasi had their wings, earth ponies had a thing for flanks, even a passive joke could be seen as adult comedy. To answer the captain's question, I produced a flask from the back of my pants, where I usually kept the revolver. It was high powered grain alcohol, about one-eighty proof, fresh from the Griffin Pridelands. “All we have to do is show up with this bad boy empty.”

“Where did you even get that?” Jay was obviously very surprised by my resourcefulness. That, or he was shocked that I'd managed to get my hands on booze without any sort of identification. Either way, I had definitely pulled one over on Canterlot's system of laws.

“Liquor store.” I unscrewed the flask's cap and took a whiff of the stuff. With a few coughs, I found out very quickly that I had gotten my money's worth. Damn, no one bring a match anywhere near me for the next few hours, maybe the next couple of days. We should probably mix this up before we drink it, so we don't vomit our guts out.

“The one at the corner of Chapel Boulevard and Eclipse Avenue?” I was genuinely amazed that the straight laced stallion knew the den of vice that I had procured the distillation from, maybe he was an acquaintance of the old griffin that owned the place. Maybe the guy had a bit of a wild streak in him, after all. The thought brought a small smile to my face, it wasn't every day that I had this number of opportunities stretched out before me.

“The very same.” We shared a nod, familiarity with the city would be invaluable in the event of an attack, God forbid, and it was a wonderful excuse to subtly share our knowledge. Besides, a little dirt dealing never killed anybody, a lot, however, has been the deaths of countless people. “Second rule for tonight: No communication with outsiders, that includes fiances, marefriends, coltfriends, spouses, family, in-laws, and future in-laws.”

“You done this before, or something?” Jay was a little taken back by my progress, or maybe it was the fact that I hadn't asked him to help. I really don't know which, but it was a guess, that had to count for something. Right? “You've rattled this off like you rehearsed it.”

“This speech has been used by innumerable individuals when their friends were being hitched to the old ball and chain.” Shining Armor looked a bit offended at my honest opinion of the institution of marriage, but seemed pleasantly that I called him a friend. “You just don't have the culture to understand the tradition.”

“What else does this tradition involve?” I think the stallion was a little nervous about the night's events, human culture could be shocking to the small equines, even the most family-friendly activities could be considered too obscene for every day conversation. “Where are we supposed to go?”

“Oh, you know.” I blew over the flask's mouth, making a small whistling noise. I put on a small smile, trying to ease the unicorn as much as I could before dropping my next bit of humor. “Strip clubs, bars, maybe a brothel or two.”

“WHAT!?” Both Jay and Shining Armor looked at me like I’d gone insane. I was kidding, of course, and they knew it, but comedy was the universal killer of nervousness. After a few moments, we shared a long laugh, even some passing guards grinned as the heard us.

“I'm never going to get used to you two.” Bro-fists/hooves were exchanged as the white stallion recovered from the cacophonous revelry. Despite my earlier opinions, Armor was turning out to be a pretty cool guy, even with the law enforcement job. We joked around for about another hour, taking jabs at one another, all in good fun. But, sunset was upon us, and we needed to get down to business. With Canterlot's lights twinkling below the balcony, I brought the flask out again.

“Gentlemen, tonight shall be recorded as the wildest night in Equestrian history.” I brought out three shot glasses, and poured some of the clear drink into each of them. “What happens, we shall never speak of, it never happened as far as we know.” I passed a glass to each of them, and raised mine in celebration. “To Shining Armor and Princess Cadence, may the two of you have a long and happy marriage.” The others moved to drink, but halted as they noticed that my arm was still. I wasn't done, not until I said everything I needed to.

“But, more importantly, may this be a night that we won't remember, but we shall never forget.”

... Some of the 'Party'...

We downed the shots immediately, and the ceremonial shudder ran down our collective spines. That shit burned more than I'd expected it to, but what can you do? The three of us went off into Canterlot, looking for any place that would cater to our needs. We didn't have to search very long, and we came across one such business on Sidesaddle Street.

“The Riding Crop.” I read the sign aloud, and wonder what waited inside for us. I knew some of the possibilities, but had no certainties. “Canterlot have many S&M clubs?”

“No, it's the club my dad took me to after I enlisted.” I couldn't imagine that Shining Armor's mother enjoyed her husband and son going to a place that entertained males of all backgrounds and adult ages. “Don't give me that look.”

“What are we waiting for?” Jay took the lead, and we made a beeline for the door, only to be blocked by the club's bouncer. You know the type, the kind of guy that watches Roadhouse and fondles himself. Imagine that guy in the body of an earth pony about as thick as he was tall.

“Where do ya think you're goin'?” Oh Christ, he has a Jersey accent, that's too fucking rich! I think I started laughing at that point, because the bouncer got mad very quickly. “You got somethin' to say, big guy?”

“Yeah, I got somethin' to say.” I chuckled some more, and nudged Jay and Armor aside as I approached. I leaned down, hey, the stallion may have been stout, but he was still short, and I put on my best(worst?) sneer. “Me and my boys here are trying to have some fun, and you're trying to stop us.”

“We don't serve your kind here, I’m sure.” I'm not quite sure how you're supposed to treat bouncers, but I'm certain that I'm doing it wrong. Not that I care, but I’d still like to know the proper ways of dealing with them.

“Do you know what discrimination gets you where I'm from?” When the earth pony stallion shook his head, I grinned wider. “A boot to the teeth.” To emphasize my point, I shook my foot. The leather on my old boots was worn enough to see the steel in the toes in places. I don't think I'm very intimidating, but my point must have been made, because the bouncer quickly stepped aside. I motioned for Jay and Shining Armor to follow.

Jay and I made a show of throwing the doors open, and allowed our unicorn friend to have the honor of entering the strip club first. Inside the lobby, some pop track was playing form the next room, which must have been the main room. Good beat, but I'm not one for dancing, besides, we came to watch, not participate. The second pair of doors only opened after the outer set closed, a clever way to keep the public from looking inside, I wish I knew how to set something like that.

“Wait.” I stopped just before my hand touched the steel door handle, a thought had struck me from nowhere. To most people, it the question wouldn't make much sense, but for someone like me, it mattered quite a bit. “If Equestrian money is all metal, how do pony strippers collect?”

“Communal tip jars for each stage.” Armor was quick to answer, and my hopes of making it hail died just as fast. Well, with no other questions, I opened the door for the lucky bachelor.

And my mind sputtered at what I saw.

One half of the club seemed normal, if you ignored the fact that the dancers were technicolor equines. They were dressed much more than most ponies would wear, even to a formal gathering. Bit gags, bridles, saddles, even blinders on a few, it was all pretty normal. But the other side, of boy, the other side was sickening. The dancers were dressing, not stripping, it made no sense. But then I thought about it, and it became clear.

“Something wrong, Taylor?” Shining Armor nudged my leg, trying to snap me out of whatever trance had ensnared me.

“No.” The answer was simple, one word, the sort that I reserved for hostility. I quickly apologized, out of character for me, but I did. Taking another sip from the flask, I gave a suggestion. “Let's get you a lap dance, buddy.”

$%$%$%$%$%$%

Four hours, one thousand bits, and half a flask later, we found ourselves at a bar in Canterlot's upper class section. That being said, the place could be considered a dive, the sort of relaxed drinking locale common to my hometown. At that point, we were obviously drunk, and the bartender was about to deny us service, but my newest friend flashed his badge. I never knew being buddies with a cop would have its perks, I wish I'd learned that sooner.

“Ya know what, man?” I leaned over the booth's table at the unicorn. My speech was slurred, I was dizzy, and I couldn't care less. Which was odd, because I was on a full stomach, and had only been occasionally sipping from my earlier purchase. “I fuckin' love you, bro.”

“Gay.” Jay started laughing from his seat, drink in hand. He was a prime example of why you should plan ahead when you're going out. He had drunk more than Armor and me combined, and someone that scrawny has no business packing booze away like that.

“I bet you play the skin flute.” I took another sip, and a thought entered my mind. Between the constant distraction of inebriation and music. It explained why I was wasted, despite my low intake, and why it hit me way harder than it should have. Did I just think the same thing twice? Shit. “I think that griffin drugged me.”

“You bought that from a griffin?” That sobered Jay up slightly, and Armor put down the bottle he was attached to, wanting to know what was going on. “Big mistake, dude, griffins hate humans.”

“You're saying that to me now?” That's the kind of thing I needed to know before I try to communicate with feline/bird hybrids. With that horror in mind, I rose to my shaking feet, and tried to get to the nearest hospital. I'm not one to panic, but I had been exposing myself to some unknown chemical for the past four hours, I needed to go.

“Let's get the fuck out of here.” To my surprise, it was Armor that said that, not me or Jay. When I scooted out of the booth, I fell to the floor, and briefly wondered why the room was spinning. I used the seat to balance myself, and did my very best to walk out. Ever seen one of those drunk walking scenes in movies or video games? The type where the camera focuses and unfocuses randomly, and it wobbles around? Yeah, now add ponies and everything being smaller than it should be, and you'll understand my situation.

“Watch it, asshole.” I bumped into some... pony, I couldn't even be bother to check gender at that point. Anyway, I think I spilled his drink, yeah it was definitely a stallion, I think. I say I spilled his drink, because he reacted as one often does when his drink is spilled by a drunk guy at a bar.

By that, I mean he punched me in to stomach.

$%$%$%$%$%$%File Attached<*>I Blame You Chapter 25<*>Preview Mode<*>

Damn. Where the hell am I? I'm still in Canterlot, I know that much, but no specifics. My head hurts, my stomach and face hurt. I remember a hoof, and then... nothing. I tried to move, get my bearings, figure some things out. When I tried to bring my arm down, something held it back. I cracked my eyes, and swore under my breath, before I understood why I couldn't move.

I was handcuffed.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

I only put that preview because it may be a while before the next update. It is also subject to change.

... And the Morning After [Part 1]

If I had to describe this chapter in one word, it would be meh.
$%$%$%$%$%$%

What the hell happened last night? I remember spilling someone's drink, then the guy punching my stomach, then... nothing. My throbbing head didn't help much, nor did my achy chest and face. Apparently, he had done more than hit me, we must have gotten into a fight. Luckily, my stomach seems fine, I've heard that vomiting when hungover is horribly painful. For the first time, I cracked my eyes open, only to be blinded by sunlight streaming in from a window. My immediate response was to block my eyes with my arm, but when I tried to bring it over, it jerked to a stop with the sound of metal hitting wood. I braved the painful light to see what halted my progress, and I must say, I was surprised by what I saw.

Both of my wrists were cuffed to a headboard.

I can't say that I was worried, but the situation was most unusual. The fact that there was something warm lying next to me only worsened everything. With a soft snore, the warmth shuddered, and scooted closer, at least now I know the gender of my newest acquaintance. So, let's take a tally, shall we? I was drugged, went to a pony strip/dress club, got in a fight(possibly), blacked out, and ended up sharing a bed with some random mare. In one night, no offense to her, but I’ve managed to disgust myself more than I thought was possible. And I’ve seen some shit in my day, believe me.

I craned my neck to get a better look at whoever had taken me home, the little bit of paint that I'd seen was too nice for a motel, so I was likely in her house. mansion was probably a more appropriate term, however, because it was none other than Fleur-de-lis cuddled into my side. Being a member of America's middle class, it has been a dream to find a woman from a rich family, I just never thought it'd be like this. Upon hearing hoofsteps outside the door, I started to panic, because both possibilities of her relation to Fancy Pants ended poorly for me. Although, if she's his daughter, it would be much better on me than the alternative, because broken bones heal, but I can't come back to life.

“Fleur, wake up, dammit!” I started shaking as quietly as I could, taking care not to squeak the springs much. After a particularly hard motion, her eyes cracked a bit, and I seized the chance to get my point across. I wasn't about to make more noise than needed, but still, I was in kind of a hurry. “Get my clothes and uncuff me!”

“Who are you?” She was whispering in the same tone I was, and the mare was as startled and panicked as me. Of course, equine hearing is much keener than mine, and she heard the pony outside the room, which was likely Fancy Pants if I had to guess. Actually, now that I think about it, it was a miracle that she didn't bolt from the room the moment she saw me.

“Someone that's going to die if you don't him!” My voice's volume was inversely proportional to the proximity of the approaching pony. Scratch that, ponies, I heard eight hooves coming, one was significantly larger than the other, judging by the frequency of the steps. It didn't help that a familiar pain started to bloom in my brain's frontal lobe, a sign that Celestia was making a call. The message didn't even contain words, I just felt a splitting, agonizing migraine coming on.

“Daddy wouldn't kill you, he might have you arrested, though.” I couldn't tell if she was trying to be funny, at least she was searching for the keys to the cuffs. But, on a side note: THANK GOD!

You're very welcome, Taylor. Words filtered in over the pain, and Celestia's voice rang through my hungover mind. I was curious about her meaning, before the royal alicorn was kind enough to answer my unvoiced questions.

“That's certainly a side of you I never thought I'd see.” Apparently, the door's hinges were very well oiled, because they didn't make the first damn noise when opened. In the doorway stood Princess Celestia and Fancy Pants, in the stallion's defense, we were both equally mortified by the situation, whereas the alabaster alicorn couldn't stop herself from smiling. So, there I was, handcuffed to a headboard in a mansion, with the owner and the ruler of a nation looking at my naked self. To top it all off, Fleur-de-lis had just found the keys, and currently had them dangling from her mouth.

“Mr. Fancy Pants, I don't suppose you can look over this entire situation.” I've only ever dealt with one angry father in my life, and he was a marine, so a business man didn't have me scared. I knew that I was safe, for the moment, but it only takes one call to take out a contract on someone. Much to my, rather pleasant, surprise, the white stallion smiled.

“We can talk things over after you get squared away, I'll wait for you downstairs.” Without another word, he turned and walked away, leaving me stunned at how calmly he took me sleeping with his daughter. Once he was out of earshot, and my wrists were freed from their bindings, I looked to my strange bedfellow.

“Any bodyguards, guard dogs, or heavy objects that might come my way if I go down there?” When Fluer shook her head, I nearly breathed a sigh of relief, but I restrained myself in front of my current employer. I dressed quickly, and began to plan my escape, because I really couldn't trust the rich stallion waiting downstairs. Behind every great fortune is a great crime, as they say, and this wasn't the sort of situation I like to be in. Wait... was all of this just an elaborate prank?

What makes you wonder that?

Because I don't think you're above it.

If it makes you feel better, the joke is being pulled on Fleur, not you. Wait, what? How the hell could the thin pony be made the butt of some joke? Everything pointed to it being very bad for me, not her. You'll see, just go downstairs, I'll be right there with you.

This was the second conspiracy that Celestia had hatched that involved me, so hopefully things would be worth my time. On the bright side, I didn't have to worry about Shining Armor, Tia wouldn't be here if he was missing. Why do I feel like I've sold out? Putting on my shirt, and checking my wallet for my money, even though American currency was completely worthless in Equestria, I nodded to the two ponies, and began the long walk to the foyer. Only the princess followed.

“Nice face bruise, by the way.” I caught my reflection in the hall, and indeed, there was a dark hoofprint extending from my forehead to cheek. That explained why my face hurt, and my chest was in a similar state, I knew that much. Still, there was plenty that I didn't remember about last night.

“Good to see you didn't try and leave through the window.” Motherfucker! That scared me, and Fancy Pants was standing in front of me. I am way too easy to sneak up on right now, and it showed.

“I take it this happens often, no offense to you.” First world white pony problems, gotta love them. The rich stallion nodded and sighed, as if I didn't feel bad enough as it was.

“Unfortunately, yes, Fleur has the nasty habit of drinking in excess, and that never good for anypony's decision making abilities.” Fancy floated a glass of orange juice to me, which I thanked him for, because my mouth was dryer than the Mojave in July. The once-smiling stallion turned serious, and for once, that marine didn't seem so scary. “I gave her an ultimatum, and this is the first she's acted up in months, but enough is enough.”

“It's really for the best that it was you that came here with her.” I wasn't sure if Celestia was referring to her trust in me, or biological incompatibility, but neither of them did me any good at the time. Of course, Fancy knew what she meant, even if I was in the dark.

“By this time tomorrow, she'll be on her way to a very strict all-female university.” That was the only time I've ever heard of using higher education as a punishment, where I'm from, most people want to go to college. Well, I was beaten, in bloody clothes, and having a pleasant conversation with the father of the woman I'd fucked the previous night. Actually, things weren't that bad, all things considered. “I'm sorry you got caught up in all of this, really.”

“No damage done, I'm just glad to be in friendly territory.” I chuckled, and winced, at my own joke. The two white ponies noticed, and both wondered what I meant, before the moustachioed stallion understood. “Wouldn't have done too well waking up in an alleyway covered in my own vomit.”

“On that happy note, we need to get Jay from the drunk tank.”

The Morning After (Part 2)

You know that feeling of dread and impending doom you get when you see a cop's lights in your rearview? That's what walking into any police station is like for me, whether I'm being locked up or not. Just something about the uniforms, guns, and the proximity to criminals makes me antsy enough to cause a migraine. Considering that I'm hungover, it made me downright homicidal.

“Could you stop glaring at that stallion?” Celestia wasn't using telepathy to communicate, which I was absolutely grateful for, the last thing I needed was a wedge driven into my frontal lobe.

“Can we hurry, I'm not a fan of cops.” They weren't law enforcement in the sense you'd think, they were just royal guards, which may have explained why Ponyville doesn't have police. Or maybe they don't wear uniforms at all times, I really have no idea.

“They still have to bring Jay out, then we can head back the castle.” The princess was busying herself with a magazine she'd bought on the way, what, did you think the guards stocked them in the station's lobby? The cover was a nice photo of Shining Armor doing body shots off a stripper, why the hell did I have to forget that? What, it seemed like an enjoyable part of our evening.

“Never took you for a fan of tabloids, Tia.” The monarch seemed to regard my statement with amusement, before she showed the page she was on to me. Sweet zombie Jesus, someone got a picture of me with a fucked up face, not the first time, but I didn't recall my lip being split. “That is obviously doctored.”

“Why would a respectable agency like Wolf News need to alter photographs?”

@#@#@#@#@#@#

Forty minutes later, Celestia, Jay, and I were back at the castle, idly chatting over breakfast. Although, whispering may have been a more appropriate term. The flautist's eyes were sunken, he was clutching his head every time a noise came from somewhere in the castle. If I wasn't feeling pain as well, I would have taken the opportunity to make as much sound as humanly possible.

“Imagine milk and pizza in a blender,” I said to my nauseous comrade. In Jay's defense, he had eaten quite a bit, but had a stomach of steel for some odd reason.

“Eat shit.” At least he put down the next bite of food, so I was getting to him in some small way. I guess I should quit while I'm ahead, for now, anyway.

“Twilight and her friends are arriving today.” The princess was being civil at the moment, only because it would be easier for all involved. Her two security chiefs were hungover and too sick to do much of anything, at least she could arrest a shady dealer because of my mistake. Shining Armor was in the barracks, but he had insisted on seeing to his duties, even if using magic hurt him like eating razors. That Shining Armor is a pretty cool guy, he makes forcefields and doesn't afraid of anything. Except his fiance, whom I had yet to meet, and it would hopefully stay that way.

“You aren't going to welcome them personally?” Jay was holding an icepack to his head, I told him it wouldn't work, but he wasn't listening. As usual.

“Security reasons.” The alicorn seemed as upset with it as the Elements likely were. Or would be, if they were still en route.

“Wait, so your guards let two mythical creatures near you, one of which was a suspected assassin at one time, but they won't let you near the Elements of Harmony?”

“Pretty much.”

“That's complete horseshit.”

@#@#@#@#@#@#

I've no idea how I ended up back in Marehouse Thirteen, nor why I was calling it that, but I believe it was something about procuring clothing to wear to the wedding. The ceremony was in three days at most, which presented quite a bit of trouble for Jay and I, as many of the artifacts were dated at several centuries. I don't have to tell you that most cloth doesn't hold up against time that well. At least this scavenger hunt was a nice distraction from the hangover pains, and the nausea that was only now hitting me. Besides, there was some sweet shit in here.

“Is that a Bubble?” For those of you who haven't played any of the S.T.A.L.K.E.R. games, a Bubble is a powerful and rare item that reduces radiation. If I couldn't find the FTL gun and laptop, I could at least use the it to build a replacement. “Holy shit, I think it is.” I'm not going to touch it, though, just in case I'm mistaking my artifacts.

“How is an item from a video game in Equestria?” We stopped and stared at each other for a few seconds, before we came to the conclusion that noting would ever makes sense in our lives ever again. Surprisingly, it wasn't that difficult. We went back to work, sorting everything that wasn't needed for our appointed mission, which is meant to be read as just about everything. In the hours we spent working, we found a large number of weapons and miscellaneous items from various books, games, movies, any sort of media really. It goes without saying that we would have kept half of that shit if we had the chance. Especially when I found an Elder Scroll, and spent twenty minutes completely blind, but that's neither here nor there.

“I think I found a couple of uniforms that would fit us.” I looked up from my pile of assorted history to see jay holding up a couple of black uniforms, which seemed strangely familiar to my inner history buff. They were black, with white undershirts, and an equally black winter coat, the style was striking, awe-inspiring, attractive, and a bit intimidating. All in all, a good thing for a security officer to wear when guarding a number of high-value targets. However, one thing, and one thing only, was keeping me from jumping at the prospect of wearing the militaristic clothing.

“Where the hell did you find a pair of pre-war S.S. uniforms?” A better question was why Celestia even had them around, with their negative connotations and the awful thing associated with them.

“With other military stuff.” The flautist pointed to a large pile of bayonets and barbed wire, I think there may have been a few landmines scattered inside. I sighed, but perked up when I remember that the swastikas weren't sewed onto the actual uniforms, so the red armbands wouldn't darken in the wash. If they were attatched, well, those bayonets looked pretty sharp to me. One way or another, the antique uniforms would be our dress for the wedding, regardless of how awful that may have made us as individuals.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

“Christ, someone kill me now.” I was hunched over the table, my stomach was cramping and I felt I would lose the food I had ingested only minutes earlier. Celestia seemed a bit worried that I may be having an adverse side-effect to the drugs I'd been slipped. Jay, however, was having a ball.

“Hey, hey listen, listen, listen, hey listen!” The band member was imitating a certain fairy that had made her annoying ass a prevalent feature in many a loved game. In truth, he was pissing me off like no mortal should have the power to, but I can't really say I blame him for it. Really, he should blame me, I am the reason we're stuck here, but he's never said anything about it. Is it really that hard to turn to me and say I blame you, is it? “Imagine drinking a cup of warm tobacco spit.”

I would like to take a brief note if you don't mind. My friend had finally managed to make me vomit, and he has earned some of my respect for it, but there was a problem.

I emptied the contents of my stomach all over a relatively small alicorn.

$%$%$%$%$%$%
I have no afiliation of any sort with any white supremacist groups, nor any love for the Nazi party or what they did.
However, I do think those uniforms were pretty badass.

Sooner or Later...

“WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?” The alicorn known as Luna was using her Royal Canterlot Voice, which, considering that I just vomited all over her, was well within her rights. In the brief instant that I had before her next verbal blast, I looked to Jay and Celestia. Apparently, both of them had made a hasty retreat. Why the fuck would anyone leave me alone with an impressionable pony that had anger issues? “I CAME TO GREET THEE, YET THY EMPTIED THINE STOMACH UPON US”

“You see-”

“SOME OF IT GOT IN OUR MOUTH!” I understand that Luna was very loud, my current proximity made it impossible not to, but there is something comedic about a pony gesturing to her mouth while covered in vomit. You'd have to have seen it to understand. It was so strange, really, that I had forgotten about my earlier illness, and simply enjoyed the moment. In a flash of inspiration, I emptied a bucket of water on her head, and ran like the wind. The irate royal gave chase, shouting with all the power of an enraged Dovahkiin. Horse, and ponies by extension, run faster than humans, but we have staying power that could only evolve on a planet of strife and war. However, magic spits in the face of Darwin and every other aspect of science.

By the time both of us had tired out, Luna was completely dry, and perfectly clean of the earlier detritus. With both of us panting and unable to do much more than attempt to catch our breath, I reached into my jacket pocket and produced the SS hat that went with my new suit. I gently set the headgear on the royal pony's head, bestowing the highest honor a man of my status can. The Princess of Night looked at me like I was completely insane, and believe me, she wasn't that far off the mark.

“Princess Luna, I give you the gift of Hat, and hope that you wear my offering into all of your battles.” In my experience, if you're having a disagreement, and you are in the wrong, Hats are a wonderful way to mend burned bridges. “Hat is the greatest sign of apology and friendship in human society.”

“You didn't mean for the earlier accident to happen, did you?” Like in the Nightmare Night episode, her demeanor completely changed, and I think she was glad to have the chance to make new friends. It was certainly better than anything I was planning on doing anyway.

@#@#@#@#@#@#

Alright, so get this, Luna liked the idea of using Hat as a means of displaying good intentions, and insisted that I give Shining Armor one because of our little run on the wild side the previous night. Apparently, Luna saw everything that happened that night, including my indecent actions with Fluer-de-lis. Do you have any idea how awkward it is for someone to say that at the top of a conversation? Now imagine that person talking as Princess Luna. Hurts, don't it? Long story short, Shining Armor, Luna, and I were all wearing hats, with Armor wearing his over his helmet. Yes, I was jelly, I was very jelly.

The best part of all was Jay's and Tia's reaction, fucking priceless in my opinion. My friend was the slipperiest sonofabitch I've ever met on polite terms, so it was always quite amazing to leave him speechless. Of course, when he caught wind of everything, he joined right in, and the three of us were on a tower overlooking the courtyard when Twilight met her brother. We watched from above as she shared a tender, family moment with her older sibling, quite heartwarming, but I digress. Then Cadence walked up, please note that we couldn't hear them from our perch, but we caught the gist of everything said.

Jay was right, the pink alicorn was a bitch, she just brushed Twilight off and ordered Shining around like a dog. But when she made him remove his hat, it meant war between our peoples.

“That hardly seems like a pleasant thing to do, for a pony whose special talent is love.” Jay was in Gentleman Mode, as close proximity to top hats and monocles would set him to, but his rage was conveyed nonetheless.

“Quite.” I looked over the lean form of the so-called princess, looking for anything that would set off my Uncanny Valley sense. Ponies walk a certain way, just like humans, and seeing anything that deviated even slightly would be a signal that something was wrong with the individual. I knew right there and then that whoever it was, she sure as shit wasn't Cadence, of even a pony for that matter. But that begged for an explanation of what the fuck she was. “Probably a Kelpie disguised as her.”

“Kelpie?” Of all the horse-themed villains the show would likely have, the aquatic killers weren't among them? What king of G-rated bull was this? “The only thing we have that can change forms is Changelings.”

“You mean the things that snatch children from their cribs and replace them with their own offspring to be raised by the clueless parents?” The dark blue alicorn paled at my description, but still nodded, so I was on to something.

“You think she's one of them?” Jay was still looking where she had been, predatory instinct was taking its hold over us, and scheming was only natural for us at the time. “That would explain why it looked like she rippled when she bumped into me.”

“Why in Equestria would you keep something like that a secret?” Luna was shocked by the revelation, but this called for a gentle touch. I would approach this situation, not as a monster, but a ghost. “We need to do something!”

“We apprehend her now, and we'll never find out where the real Cadence is.” My voice was sharp and strict, a blessing when it was so deep, it oozed authority. “Spies don't reveal information willingly.”

“So we're stuck?” I was surprised that Jay wasn't thinking quite like me, but that was just fine, I could explain everything to him and Luna if need be.

“I think Twilight noticed something was up, I can work with her, you two act normal, but make your own preparations for war.” I actually didn't know if war was going to erupt, but you don't garrison that many troops for a small skirmish. “When we find the real Cadence, you two can move in to make the arrest.”

“Glad to see you have all the plans.” Jay was a snarky prick at the best of times, but he was being serious. I think. “Anything else we should do in the meantime.”

“Luna, let your sister know about my suspicions while I talk to Twilight.”
The pony remained silent, but consented to her assigned duty. Why was I ordering royalty around? Because I can, that's why.

“What about me?” Always gotta be the center of attention, but I had a special job for him.

“Jay, hug everypony you come into contact with.”

$%$%$%$%$%$%
When Chrysalis sent Twilight to those crystal caverns, I actually said She's as fuckin' kelpie!
Watch them be made canon in Season 3, just because I said they didn't exist.

I Might do Little Extras at the End of Chapters

I had no way of knowing how quickly the Elements of Harmony would figure out that Cadence was an imposter, or even if they ever would. Of course, there was the easy way, if you catch my drift, but we would never find the real Cadence if we offed the faker. I was off to Shining Armor's private suite, Twilight was likely to be there as well, maybe I could kill two birds with one stone on this. Granted, the changeling who had taken the alicorn's form might be somewhere nearby, which could be very dangerous if he/she/it? got her claws/hooves/tentacles? on me. Good thing I retrieved the revolver from my room before heading out.

Walking across the large complex that was Canterlot Castle proved to be fairly easy, the shoes Rarity had made me some weeks ago were holding up to repeated stress like a professional had made them. When I neared my newest bro's temporary dwelling, I slowed to a stop. Waiting outside until Luna took over the observatory, really it was just a telescope used by the princesses so they could feel like they were doing something, I would have backup that knew the full situation. Soon, my future partner would make her presence known, and then I could add to my conspiracy against the changelings.

Damn, I need a hobby.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

Jay was having one of those days. With the threat of what was essentially an entire species of emotion vampires that had the ability to disguise themselves as anyone else, things weren't exactly looking up. That be said, he was dutifully performing his assigned task, even if he absolutely despised grunt work. Taylor was just sending him away as a distraction, something to take the heat off him while he worked the sorcery known as sabotage.

“JAY!” No. nonononononononono- “I haven't seen you in days! which is weird, because I know where everypony is, most of the time, except for when I lose them, like this one time, I didn't know where Berry Punch was for two whole weeks!” Yep, that was Pinkie Pie, here to destroy dimensional barriers and party, and she was out of walls to break. The number one party pony of Ponyville seemed to notice the red tinge on the flautist's face. “Is something wrong? You look like a tomato. Are you sick? Too hot? Too cold?”

For Jay, putting up with the hyperactive pony was worse than any punishment legally permitted by the Geneva Convention.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

Princess Luna had dealt with many conspiracies and dark plots in her long life, she'd also been the unfortunate head of one such plan. However, alicorn had never used cloak and dagger for the forces of good, that is, until now. The larger human seemed to have a mind for stealth, and had given specific instructions for her to follow. What the dark blue mare couldn't figure out was why Taylor wanted Celestia to take a dive if things came to combat with the leader of the changelings. Nevertheless, the royal pony marched through the halls of Castle Canterlot, intent on finding her older sister, whether Celestia believed the news Luna would deliver was another story entirely. Speak of the Smooze, there she was on the observatory!

With a beat of her powerful wings, the younger princess flew to the impromptu watchtower.

“As much as I enjoy seeing you, it isn't time to switch out, yet.” The tired, alabaster alicorn known as Princess Celestia looked exhausted by her constant necessity. The eldest royal visibly perked when her sister smiled in a way she hadn't seen in months.

“Taylor has a plan for us to defeat the possible changeling threat.” Luna wasn't using royal plural, she meant we to mean all of us in Canterlot.

“So he also determined who made the threat about the wedding ceremony?” The white mare wasn't even certain what would happen, but the human seemed to pick up on things rather quickly.

“Actually, it was Jay that made the initial discovery.” Celestia blinked several times, despite her knowledge of the flautist’s sneakiness, she hadn't been fully expecting him to identify threats to Equestrian life. Then again, she also hadn't anticipated her younger sister to be wearing a Nazi hat and associating her self with humans. Stranger things had certainly happened, she supposed.

“So, what does our fearless security chief think we should do?”

$%$%$%$%$%$%

“Why are you hiding in the bushes?” Twilight had just emerged from Shining Armor's private suite, looking very shocked and scared. Regardless, I had to shake her a few times to be sure she was the real deal. She didn't like that, not one bit. “Stop that!”

“Sorry, safety procedure.” That being said, I scooped the tiny equine into my arms and ran like hell, my hand was clamped over her mouth, and would prevent any guards form hearing her muffled screams. It's probably a good thing that I'm a good guy, if I can ponyknap without any difficulty. I would be able to take the lavender pony a fair distance, she barely weighed more than a buck twenty, which was nothing thanks to my increased physical activity.

“You're completely insane.” Twilight had wrenched her mouth from my grasp, but thankfully didn't make any alerting noises.

“Don't you know it.” A statement, not a question, she knew my stance on sanity. Much like sleep, sanity is for the weak, and only the weak wish to remain sane. After I had carried her into the underbelly of Castle Canterlot, which was the sewers for any of you that doesn't get espionage terminology, medieval espionage terminology, I mean. “You are aware that Cadence isn't who she seems to be, aren't you?”

“You disappear for two days and show up by ponyknapping me and claiming my foalsitter is an imposter?” Twilight gave me a once over, before smiling and nodding her joy. “You're lucky I think the same.”

“So, you ready to together on this?” Much to my surprise, the lavender pony shook her head, and I think I knew what was wrong. In truth, I was way off the mark.

“She's got my friends fooled, we need them if we want to stop her.” I keep forgetting that this world seems to follow Disney Logic, in that all members of the Good Guy Squad are need to defeat Generic Villain #1. Sadly, we didn't have that kind of time.

“Even if we did bring the other Elements around, stopping the fake Cadence would leave the real one stranded, and we might never find her.” My reasoning gave her pause, which was more than enough for me to take advantage of the situation, and bring her over to my plans. “You need to confront her at the rehearsal tomorrow, I’ll back you on it. Celestia and the others will respond negatively to our accusations, but the phony Cadence might use this as a chance to get us alone.”

“How does being alone help us? Couldn't she just kill us and get replacements to fool everypony?” Now, dear reader, this is where my ability to bullshit comes in handy.

“She knows that you are an Element Bearer, and the other would be alerted to your death instantaneously, and she'd be found out.” A look of worry drew over her features as the implications sank in, and for once, I think I had her full attention.

“How do we get around that, and stay alive, if she gets us alone?”

“Simple, my little pony, we are going to get ourselves captured.”

$%$%$%$%$%$%
-INTERLUDE- Spike Learns a New Word
Week Two in Equestria, actual date unknown.

I was eating breakfast, still adapting to the lack of meat available to me, but managing just fine. By that, I mean Jay and I had a plan to trap a deer that wandered too close to the portion of the Everfree we used for all of our unsuccessful hunting trips. Yes, deer have citizenship in Equestria, and yes, it is technically murder, but I’m hungry, dammit! With all of my usual hatred for the challenges a habitually carnivorous omnivore faced in a land of herbivores, things seemed pretty normal. Until I was approached by everyone's favorite dragon, and I don't mean Crackle. However, that would have been like that time Jay met Derpy, and therefore awesome on degrees my keyboard cannot express.

“Dude, I've been meaning to ask you something.” It didn't sound like a moral question, so Spike was well within his right to ask, as specified in Codex Brostartes.

“Talk is free, little man.” Actually, Spike came up to my mid-thigh, which meant he could be dangerous if he turned violent. Those jaws could crush gemstones, I ain't fucking with their owner.

“What does fuck mean?” Someone kill me, please, I beg you. I had no doubt where he had heard the word, but that didn't mean I was ready to be asked its meaning by draconian neonate. I needed to think of an excuse, some reason for me to leave. There was no such luck to be had, and I was only able to think of an alternate meaning.

“It's a grownup word for candy.” Fuck. That is going to bite me in the ass, I just know it. As if to spit in my face, the reptile proved my fear.

“Sweet, Rarity's gonna think it's cool that I can talk like an adult!”

$%$%$%$%$%$%
-INTERLUDE- Lyra's Big Surprise
Week One in Equestria, actual date forgotten because of my horrible short-term memory.

“Come on, it's not much farther.” Lyra was clad only in my hoodie, and still human from the day's transformation spell. It would wear off tomorrow night, a miscalculation on Twilight's end, but it did mean that I was spending the night at Lyra's house.

“I've been there before.” I was slightly irritated, because while I enjoy teaching those who wish to learn, I hate incompetence with a fiery passion. Teaching the human-loving mare to walk upright was the definition of that most hated of traits. However, she was a hot, naked chick, so human biology forced my teenaged ass to get the fuck over it. Lyra fetched the key from under the mat, and in a flash, we were inside her shared home. Just as soon as we were inside the comfortably-warm domicile, a familiar, dark blue garment covered my face.

“I was starting to get hot in that thing.” The human-loving pony had taken off my jacket, but hey, her house and her rules, I’m not gonna bitch about anything. I also enjoyed the view, but what can you do about it?

“Lyra?” Shit, a voice upstairs, seems my friend’s roommate came home early, or late, it was after sundown.

“Bon-Bon's home, I can’t wait to show her this!” Stairs might have been too difficult for her clumsy self to handle, so I was drafted to help the naked woman to her marefriend. Yes, Lyra and Bon-Bon are together, just one of the many fandom bits that applied in this universe. As soon as we stepped into the master bedroom, the two of us were assaulted by a feathery pillow.

“Who are you ponies?” Technically, only Lyra was a pony, but we were both identifiable as humans at the time, so Bon-Bon was incorrect. She also threw a vase at me. Did I mention that the earth pony has nightmares about home-invasion? Curiously enough, she also had a fetish for that sort of thing, from what I'd been told, though I have no idea how that came up.

“It's me, Bons!” Oh sure, she stops for the naked chick, but not for the upstanding guys in the green long-sleeve, she hit me with a fucking alarm clock. And another pillow, after the human-lover had started to explain herself.

“Lyra?” Bon-Bon looked stunned, to say the least, before she glared daggers at me and tossed a book my way. Apparently, she was under the impression that I was using evil magic to keep her lover in human form. “Change her back!” Just as I was readying my response, said human-loving pony-turned-ape came to my defense. With a phrase I had no idea would be involved in the night's shenanigans.

“Happy birthday!” I looked at the green-haired woman, slightly stunned at her words, before I came to a realization.

“You went through all of this trouble, just to surprise your girlfriend with kinky, inter-species, lesbian sex without involving a third party in the actual fucking?” A better question was why the hell was I still in that house? This wasn't really the sort of thing strangers should be observing. Unless, of course, I was going to be involved, in which case I'm game.

“Pretty much, yeah.” I put my arm over the naked woman's shoulder, a smile was across my face and I felt on top of the world.

“I am so goddamn proud of you.”

Life Lessons With Giant Battle Tanks

The Eagle, born by freedom won, yet held, in precarious station
He set upon defense and steeled his will
To guard and protect his new nation
So he resolved, defiant of all, who would challenge his right to be free
With a swift sailing vessel and ten carriage guns
To hunt the world's oceans and seas
Born to go into harm's way – Come all!
Ye hell or high waters be damned!
No lightning, no thunder, no hurricane gale can stand in the face of his wrath!
Be he beneath his enemy's feet, or by cloud, where their gaze can not go
When Leviathan rise
Every last man
Shall shake to the core of his soul.

The words entered my mind as I beheld the steel monstrosity before me, their was simply no way the massive tank could have come from our Earth. The armored siege engine had a total of eleven barrels, the main turret and ten secondary barrels that comprised the remaining death-dealers. A two-headed, gold eagle was emblazoned on several areas of the ungodly vehicle, a strange symbol of beauty on such a war-scarred machine. Leviathan, that would be its name, and when the changelings decided to attack, Jay and I would pilot the monstrous tank to victory. I have no way of knowing why I picked Leviathan out of all the others, there were plenty of vehicles I knew how to use, but the heavily-armored, mobile fortress called out to me, the same way my FTL gun begged to be built. Perhaps it was fate, perhaps the odd twitch of the powers that be, perhaps it wa-

Get up here, the rehearsal is about to start. Jay's voice sounded tinny over the radio, but it was the only way we could effectively communicate while wearing our new gas-masks. Either way, he ruined my moment, not that I was having much of one. I pressed two fingers against the portion of my mask the held my earpiece, and gave my acknowledgment. I gave one last look at the doors to the crystal caverns Celestia had told me about, I had a weird feeling about the cave system.

@#@#@#@#@#@#

Princess Celestia was slightly nervous about this situation, a potential coup, and she was about to hand her student over to the villain perpetrating it. When I walked in and took my position by the door, the wedding rehearsal began. It went rather smoothly, until the arranged interruption from Twilight Sparkle. It all went off so perfectly, even if Shining Armor hadn't been involved.

“Has anypony seen Twilight?” The white stallion looked to Jay and I, then to the others for an answer. It was thankfully provided by a spectacularly acting Element of Magic.

“I'm here.” The lavender mare stormed in, irate at some flaw she had found in the alicorn bride-to-be. “And I'm not going to stand by her, and neither should you!” Shining Armor looked embarrassed and glance around the room for a few moments, before speaking in a somewhat timid tone.

“I don't know why she's acting like this.” The phony Cadence gave the whipped stallion a sharp look, and gave her venomous reply.

“Maybe we should just ignore her.”

“You have to listen to me!” Twilight's voice nearly cracked, I knew her enough to tell a few hidden feelings were surfacing. That, and I taught her how to fake emotional outbursts like this, as a small preparation for our sabotage.

“Are you alright?” Fluttershy was immediately at her friend's side, wondering if anything was troubling her fellow Element Bearer. To that extent, the yellow pegasus was an invaluable asset, but she may get involved in some unforeseen way.

“Yes, I'm fine!” The lavender pony recoiled from her shy comrade, not in disgust, but from fake feelings of entrapment.

“Ya sure 'bout that?” There was no response to Applejack's question, Twilight just forced the farmer's hat over her orange muzzle, and angrily walked forward.

“I have something to say.” The mage looked as furious as I'd ever seen her, and she held her character well. “She's evil!”

The other Elements whispered between each other in shock, Shining Armor put himself between his sister and the imposter, even the normally stoic guards were stunned by the outburst. I would continue quoting everything word-for-word, but I was getting mad at the fake alicorn's acting, so I’m just going to skip over it, lest my blood begin to boil in my veins. When the others left Twilight alone in Random Ceremony Room #2, I approached the teary-eyed pony and compounded the web we had spun over the imposter's eyes.

“Listen, Twilight, if it means anything, I believe you.” My masked face gave no emotion, and my voice was too muffled to reveal its tone, but it was enough to keep the show going. At my slight sign of understanding the fake princess revealed herself. In a burst of pseudo-regret, Twilight rushed into the mare's chest.

“I'm sorry for everything I said, I guess I was wrong about you.” As a precaution, I closed the distance between the Element and myself, if the imposter would try anything, I would be there for backup. Much to my surprise, by which I mean disgust, the fraud smiled sweetly, and her eyes pulsed a slight green. I hadn't really felt worried until a ring of green fire appeared around us.

“Aw, Twily, I’m so glad to hear it, too bad you were right all along.” The changeling's magic began to send us through the floor, my passive resistance seemed to take a back seat.

In short, I was fucked.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

Celestia felt Taylor's consciousness fade from her reach, but his life remained intact, the plan had worked at least in part. With a nod to her sister, the alicorn began her own preparations for tomorrow's battle, and Luna was sure to do the same. There was a certain number of casualties, and the guards had been given a secret executive order to use lethal force rather than subduction, this would hopefully lessen the loss of life. The flying carriages were unarmed, and most earth pony guards were unable to use most weapons, but their impressive armor would protect them from most conventional attacks.

With steel in her eyes, Princess Celestia prepared herself for war.

$%$%$%$%$%$%
Extra – Q&A with Taylor and Jay

Proto has brought Diction's Bad Advice With Diction to my attention, and I think it's a pretty cool idea. So, at the end of certain chapters, new ones that are dragging in my opinion and lack an extra to make up for it will have a Q&A-type deal in which Jay and I will answer questions sent by certain ponies (You get to pick who at the end of each chapter, and votes will be tallied before the next session), and many of the bits will include a special guest from the show (Chosen at random by spinning my finger over a list of characters in a circle with my eyes closed and stopping after ten seconds of random movement.” One question per session will be chosen from the comments, and will be answered with as much honesty as I feel like.

The first will be on the next chapter.

How is Something That Heavy not Falling Through the Floor?

It would appear that changeling magic is only mildly affected by the interruption field generated by the human body, and the negative response I would have was likewise lessened. That being said, it did nothing to soften the impact of my unarmored ass against the stone floor. By the glowing ceiling crystal, there was no doubt in my mind of my location, and hopefully the Marehouse's vehicle depot could be accessed from the area.

“You, who dares to wear the Deceiver’s form, would attempt to foil my plans.” The voice was strange, very different from the imposter's previous one. The form of the pseudo-Cadence appeared before me, and my first response to the threat was annihilation. I pulled the .38 from a jacket pocket a fired one of its six rounds at the fake pony. I hadn't expected the slug to ricochet off a flat bit of crystal, nor did I anticipate the wayward missile to bounce around until it flew though one of my mask's lenses. It didn't hurt me, just sprayed glass around the inside and tore a small hole in the rubber, but my actual skin was unharmed. “Blind and alone, that's how you'll die here.”

The imposter's eyes flashed green, and she disappeared into the crystalline screen, and all light faded from the asymmetrical room. I had lived more than forty seconds and felt no tiredness, so the chamber must be receiving air from somewhere, I only needed to find ou-

BOOM

“Goddamn!” A portion of the crystalline wall exploded from a blast of purplish energy, which let me know the cavalry had arrived. From the settling dust emerbed the form of Twilight Sparkle and the worse-for-wear Princess Li Amore Cadenza, more commonly known as Cadence. However, I had not known she was the original at the time, and my action showed it. The Element of Magic was able to wrench my gun away before I could squeeze the trigger, much to my later relief.

“Taylor, she's the real one!” It would appear that I owed the pink alicorn an apology for attempting to murder her so hard she would die to death.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

Jay and Celestia shared a glance as the ceremony was being prepared, neither knew Taylor's exact location, or even if he was still alive, but they had a plan to execute, and it would not be delayed. The teen's hidden eyes darted around the room, he was far too nervous to be standing in a room this crowded, too many ponies, too many ways for things to go wrong. Jay shifted about, glancing at every pony that walked in, while also keeping his eye on Shining Armor. Even from his position by the door, the flautist could see his newest friend's nerves.

When the wedding band started up, Celestia and Jay could only hope for a miracle.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

Bitter Springs and Orange Fountain were two of Canterlot's finest rookies, and they were charged with the ever-important task to guarding a nondescript stone door near the palace's easternmost entrance.

“Why do we get sacked with the boring duty?” Orange, oddly enough, was the more bitter of the two, and his friend Bitter was usually rather chipper.

“Because you had to get caught doing body shots off a dresser two weeks ago.”

“But the captain did it, too.”

“After you did.” Bitter would have continued to berate his comrade, had something not caught his wee-trained senses. “Do you feel... rumbling?” Indeed, there was rumbling coming from within the palace, however, it was not coming from behind the door they guarded. Rather, it came from another area of the wall, which was well over twenty feet of solid stone. No sooner had the thought crossed Orange's mind, had the impossible happened.

The steel behemoth known as Leviathan burst from within the palace, its main gun manned by an alicorn, and its lascannon turrets operated by the Element of Magic herself. In the pilot's seat was a royally pissed off teenager with slight anger issues and no regard for his own safety.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

I had known from the moment I had laid eyes on Leviathan that it was a Mars Pattern Baneblade, however, I hadn't known that it would be so comfortable on the inside. My pilot's chair was well-cushioned, and the twin tread controls were ergonomically designed. By moving the two levers, I commanded the massive tank's movement, and they had two red buttons next to my thumbs that fired the vehicle's forward-facing, twin-linked heavy bolter turrets.

I flicked one of the switches in may chair's arm, it would send a small blip over the comm frequency, everyone that had one would know that it was coming from me. Warhammer radios aren't that hard to figure out, and they used the same range for short-distance communication that Equestria's military pioneered. I'm certain there's no relation between the two technologies at all.

Taylor? Dude, where have you been? I didn't have time to answer that, the archaic clock on my view-screen said it was nearly time for the wedding to begin. My eyes scanned the limited range of sight I had available, which was negligible to say the least. I put Leviathan in high gear, and started zipping along the stone path at a breakneck twenty-five kilometers per hour, could you hear the sarcasm?

“Cadence, give me the turret seat.” The princess looked at me strangely, but I could care less. Even though the pink alicorn seemed relieved at the change of pace, the Princess of Love was more than worried about the ponies' well-being as I piloted a titanic war machine around castle grounds. “On second thought, nevermind.”

After all, why demolish the ceremony room when you can drive a Baneblade through a castle, and then crash the wedding.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

That overused tune that signaled the bride's walk down the aisle seemed like funereal bells for the two conspirators. Celestia and Jay were aware of their comrades' return, surely, Taylor had Twilight and the real Cadence in tow. The fact that the teen wasn't answering his radio and actively blocking the Solar Princess' attempts at communication were troubling on some deep level, there were simply no words to describe the unease that permeated the air. To her credit, the alabaster alicorn didn't show her distress, though the panic messages Bitter Springs and Orange Fountain were blaring nearly caused her heart to leap into her throat. Reports of a growling, metal monster followed a trail leading directly to the wedding, and with each report, Taylor would send another blip from wherever he was. Given the pattern, it was well within the realm of possibility that the teen had somehow commandeered a vehicle from Marehouse Thirteen and was bringing it there for backup.

A three tone burst from Jay signaled the approach of something, and if the rumbling floor was to be taken at face value, it was very large. Numerous ponies in the audience looked about the room for the source of the vibrations, even as its location became obvious. The Canterlot elite turned to face the door as the muffled voices of guards were drowned out by the titanic beast that was surely crawling their way. An explosion ripped through the massive, wooden portal as red light played with the shadows, and the iron giant known as Leviathan crept through the smoke.

“Is it too late to object?”

$%$%$%$%$%$%
Q&A With Taylor and Jay – Pilot
Special Guest: Princess Celestia

Hello, everyone, and welcome to the first installment of Q&A With Taylor and Jay, allow me to introduce our hosts. You see those three on the stage? The shadowy figures in in director chairs? Yep, that’s them alright.

“I'm Taylor.” A teenage wearing a black uniform and a gas mask with a broken lens held up a gloved hand.

“And I'm Jay.” A bonier human wearing an equally black uniform, intact gas mask, and an SS officer's hat waved at the gathered audience. At the rehearsed time, the two males pointed between each other, at the third shadow on the barely-lit stage.

“And I'm Princess Celestia.” The royal alicorn seemed right at home in the spotlight, though she was most certainly unaccustomed to sharing the show with two humans. “I still have no idea how you got me to come on here.”

“Because we need something to do between tapings.” The teen in the cracked mask's voice wasn't muffled in the least, which showed it was purely for aesthetics and a completely non-functional replica. “But, ignoring that. Welcome to our first session, everyone.”

“First on the agenda is addressing letters and questions sent to us anonymously by ponies in Equestria.” Jay reached behind his chair a pulled out a short stack of envelopes, each mailed from random cities and towns. The very first one was, oddly enough, from Ponyville.

Why haven't Jay and Taylor come back to the hospital, everypony has heard that you two have needed medical attention

“Good question.” Taylor held up a finger, and circled it through the air a few times. “It's probably because I like to treat my own injuries, just minor surgery and the like.”

“You performed surgery on yourself?” Celestia looked at the broken-eyed teen in disbelief, before she remembered whom she was talking to. With a huff, the alicorn retrieved her own letter from the stack, the one had no return address.

Why are you at the wedding in the first place?

“Better question: why is this written in bug juice?” Celestia held the letter away from herself, as though touching the dried ichor would give her some horrid disease.

“Finally, our User Submission question, from Sine Wave.” Taylor flipped out a small notepad and hunted the correct page. “So, Taylor, put any thought into putting the moves on one of the Immortal God-Empresses of a planet?”

Princess Celestia gave the teen a sharp look, and the mechromancer gulped audibly.

“On advice of my counsel, I withhold my answer.”

Where's Ripley?

“Hello, fake Cadence, I request that you surrender.” My suggestion was backed by a Mega Battle Cannon, two twin-linked heavy bolter emplacements, two autocannons, three lascannons, and a Demolisher Cannon, every one of those was currently pointed at the false alicorn. “Make this easy on both of us, I'd rather not level all of Canterlot.”

“I don't know what you're talking about!” A liar until the bitter end, it seemed. No matter, if Cadence's response to seeing the phony was any indicator, there wouldn't be much in the area of questions after this. The pink alicorn quickly made her way for the hatch, but I forced her to stay back until Twilight had a chance to clear the air. Actually, I only did it to keep from confusing the two ponies on when they were on-screen. The Imperial Guard needs to invest more in viewing technologies, shit is way too blurry for the forty-first millenia.

“You're a changeling!” The Element of Magic obvious didn't bear the Element of Subtlety, but that was a moot point at the moment, because Cadence need to get her flank out there and win the crowd back. Yes, I said flank, you know I meant pony ass, but seriously, she's engaged, show some damned respect.

“They take the form of something you love and get stronger by feeding off your love for them.” While the princess' statement seemed oddly redundant, it got its point across just fine. Stunned gaps sounded from Leviathan's inner speakers, why the hell did aristocrats limit themselves to group thought like that, wouldn't it be so much more fun to act wildly? “Even Taylor will agree with us!”

“Of course I will, but only from the safety of my cockpit.” The massive war machine would protect me from just about everything the universe could throw at me, on the condition that I was actually within its armored confines.

“You saw her out of her disguise!” Twilight seemed angry, but I can't imagine why. After all, we were captured at the same time, more or less, and she saw as much if not more than I did, maybe she was referring to the crystal image.

“Twilight, I will exit Leviathan only if someone else is willing to take the controls, and none of you have thumbs.”

“I do.” I think Jay just wanted inside my bitchin' tank, and who could blame him? The steel monster was built for wrecking shit. For the record, I actually care about some of the ponies, and would prefer their shit went un-wrecked. With no other options – I mean good options – I made my way for the main hatch, maybe the autocannon would be enough to deter any attack. I took my position behind the high-caliber Gatling gun, and only then was able to see the extent of my mask's damage. Dust and bits of rubble clung to the rubber covering, and the blinking, blue light seeping from within the broken lens only added to the image of a wounded cyborg.

“Blind and alone, not quite what you imagine, eh?” If anything, the imposter seemed genuinely surprised that I was still as brash as ever, her eyes even flashed green for a split-second. “Before you try any of that Jedi mind-trick bullshit, just remember that humans are resistant to magic.” The pink faker backed up a bit, taking cover behind her meat-shield, Shining Armor. Under normal circumstances, I would have no objections destroying the cretin and her toy, but that was my bro she cowered behind. I can't shoot my bro, I just can't.

“You have one chance to surrender.” Celestia was deviating from the plan, if only slightly, and it even made her look better in the eyes of the aristocracy. Like a cornered snake, the changeling revealed her fangs when provoked. A swirling pillar of cold, emerald flames soared to the ceiling, quite nice, pretty good for a show. Trixie would have let this bitch know that I'm not impressed by smoke and mirrors. A lance of green magic flew from the towering blaze, and pierced the bubble protecting Canterlot form invasion like a hot knife through things that are easily cut by hot knives.

The impenetrable defense shattered like so much glass.

“Not going to happen, I have a hive to feed.” The fire cleared, and revealed a form that, were I an equine, would have appeared majestic and sensual. To me, it looked like a bug-horse that someone had taken a drill to, starting with her legs. Changeling, kelpie, they really were the same thing in Equestria, if the seaweed hair was any indicator, so I was half right in my earlier assumptions. Ignoring the stupidity of it, I turned to run back into Leviathan's armored depths, eager for some protection and the powerful offense the massive Baneblade provided. Another emerald spear lanced at the tank, and caught one of the lascannons in the battery hitch, it tore a deep gouge in the plating and ripped the thick cord, but did no irreparable damage.

A magic bubble wrapped around my midsection, fuck changeling magic, it wasn't fully affected by the distortion field. The insectoid equine pulled me to her side, like a child inspecting a new toy, her voice crept over my heart like glacial ice.

“First Canterlot, then all of Equestria, my hive will feed on them all.” The changeling broodmother seemed more than sinister in the room's lighting, the shadows played off her tiny, chitinous facial plating like a fine painting or sculpture. If these overgrown parasites fed on emotions, this bug was in for a big surprise if she tried to take my love. But seeing the swarm that was descending upon the city, some part of me doubted we would be able to save anyone. I used my free hand to execute the only order I was allowed to give, a triple tone of blaring static roars signaled the guard to fight for their lives and country.

“No.” The voice of a stern Celestia forced both of us to look at the alabaster alicorn. The goddess seemed more like the war gods of old, her righteous anger was well-earned and equally distributed amongst her enemies.

“Fuck taking a dive, ice this bitch.” In response, the light around my stomach tightened, it seemed the queen didn't like her food to talk. The two horned foes faced off in a physical shoving contest, neither gave an inch to her enemy. The unstoppable force of changeling hivequeen magic met the immovable object of Princess Celestia's resolve, and as magic became involved, the ponies in the room wisely fled.

The locked beams clashed and rippled with power, until only the victor could be crowned. It was a shock to see the princess hit the ground, her horn's tip was scorched in an odd parody of blast residue. The triumphant bug queen swiveled me around to her eyes, a smug glint played from within the beautiful, emerald pools and I wa- what the fuck! Was she messing with my mind in the middle of a goddamn war? I felt my mask's clasp loosen as a tug was applied, the changeling broodmother seemed to have a particular interest in my face.

“So, my little Deceiver, what could inspire you to work for these ponies?” The mention of the odd name was marked in my mind for later review, of course, that was assuming that I would have a later in which to study my findings. The familiar tickle of mind-magic radiated from my frontal lobe, but unlike Celestia, the action was surgical in precision and horrifying with its intensity. The chuckle from the bugbitch turned into an almost sensual purr as she probed my memories for motivation. Only her name matter to me, for the purpose of vengeance, and the cheese-legged ponybug felt generous enough to give me that.

“I am called Queen Chrysalis, and you're going to tell me everything I want to know.”

So Loud, so Angry... So Dead

Jay wasn't quite sure what to do. He had heard about war, read about it, but never had the misfortune of actively participating in combat. Being a high school sophomore at the time of his arrival in Equestria, he wasn't even an adult, so what was he expected to do? For the flautist, beating a changeling to death with a shovel seemed like a good place to begin. The uniformed teen still held the ichor-covered tool in his hands, it dripped bits of pale green fluid every few seconds, and gave him an overall air of don't fuck with me that the gas mask and black suit failed to deliver.

The teenager swung the oversized spade at another of the insectoid ponies, the impact sent it chittering to the ground. It screeched a bit as he sunk the blade into its neck and severed the head. A fiery explosion ripped through one of the nearby buildings, sending rubble, ponies, and changelings flying in several directions, a gas leak had been ignited by a stray spark. The brilliant display was enough of a distraction for one of the stealth-fighters to get the drop on Jay, and the bug tackled him into a vendor's stall.

“Holy fuck!” The teen punched and kicked against the large changeling, but its chitin had a high tolerance for impact. A massive rush of air and relief of pressure let the young man know he was safe, but something reassured him. You really couldn't guess what.

“Fancy seeing you here.” The brown earth pony held out a hoof to help the human to his feet, let it never be said this stallion was cruel. Jay was incredibly surprised to see none other than Doctor Whooves standing there, though he much preferred being called The Doctor, as Whooves wasn't his actual name. The discrepancy made Ponyville's two humans wonder why Derpy's name was that, perhaps she just kept her maiden name after the marriage.

“Thanks, Doc, don't suppose you'd mind lending me a hand, would ya?” Jay motioned to the bottles that now littered the streets, and then to the fire that still burned across the avenue. The Doctor looked between the points, before he quickly understood.

“A bit gruesome, but desperate times calls for desperate measures, as they say.”

It was a good thing the stall the human had been knocked into had been owned by Candle Wick, Canterlot's premier candle and lantern salespony.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

“Fuck you, bitch.” There were some things I would not stand for, and being molested and tortured by a changeling broodmother was pretty high on that list. You don't want to know what the top one is, trust me. Apparently, my choice of words could have been better. I mean way better.

“In good time.” Chrysalis was fucking around, I hope she was, anyway, because she seemed to enjoy toying with me more than anything so far. “I like to have a show before a meal, you understand, right?” With what felt like a brick to the base of my skull, yeah, you could say I understood her just fine. I feel rooting through my head for some emotional attachment to latch onto, the love-leach would do anything to sink her fangs into a meal.

“I'm not giving you anything.” Actually, she had free reign, the mind-magic was very different from Celestia, though it also seemed to keep her actively reading my thoughts. Maybe. If not, then she was seeing a very graphic simulation of my splattering her brain across the wall beside her head, too bad she took my gun.

“Shell composition: sixty-five percent iridium, twenty percent titanium, five percent aluminum, ten percent silicon.” The changeling ran her tongue up my neck, it was scarily warm compared to how cold my blood felt. “Obsession is a beautiful color on you.” I was fucking scared, alright, and I'm not too macho to admit it. “You could have made a weapon to hold you entire planet hostage, could have ruled the world with an iron fist.” Chrysalis chuckled for a bit, like I was the butt of some cosmic joke, maybe she was right. “And instead, you built a way to transport people and equipment lightyears in the span of a few minutes.”

“For the benefit of all mankind.” A sharp pain lanced through my head, it seemed I had angered the bitch behind the puppet strings. A blood vessel burst in my nose, no pain, but I felt wetness gush over my mouth.

“Never interrupt me.” Her magic tightened around my torso, and I used my free hand to try and pull out of the vice, to no avail. I think she kept one arm free just to mess with me, her sick idea of a game. Well, I'm no Rainsford, but I can play this game, too. “You're going to learn your place, and quickly.” With a final squeeze, she slacked her grip, and I could finally breathe again. In a flash, she switch personalities, which just about proved the she was a sociopath. “I'd hate to break my newest toy so soon.”

“Sorry.” The slight movement of levitation stopped for a moment, before I was quickly swiveled to Chrysalis' face, she actually seemed pleased with my new submissiveness. The very thought brought vomit to my mouth. The manipulative monster levitated my free hand to her face, like I was holding her, I only looked into her eyes to make sure she didn't pull anything freaky. A small smile appeared on her face, before being rapidly replaced by one of stunned pain, and I was dropped to the floor in a small spike of magic.

A horrific shrieking rang from outside, in the warring city. I'd know the sound of burning things anywhere, so someone had the bright idea of killing changelings with fire. Regardless, it appeared that every hive's queen had a telepathic link with her brood, because Chrysalis was writhing in pain on the ground. I had to keep in character, otherwise she might catch on. Actually, I probably could have pissed all over her and she'd be oblivious, but I wasn't about to test that theory. I walked to the downed queen, and like a loyal slave, knelt next to her. In a gesture that I hope was comforting, I wrapped an arm around her neck and brought head up to my shoulder, she was still twitching from the feedback, but visible relaxed under my touch.

“Shh, it's alright.” I nuzzled into the side of her face, the queen's eyes were closed, and she was breathing deeply. Obviously, Chrysalis was trying to catch her breath, so I only had a few moments to act. I shifted on my knees like I was trying to get into a more comfortable position, but my unoccupied hand drifted ever closer to my boot, where my survival knife was held. The nice part about this was the fact that I never thought about it, having the eight-inch blade was something I had grown accustomed to, an autonomous action I always performed. Real quick, did I mention I get a rush from gambling? Well, I do, and this bet had my heart racing.

With a plaintive whine form the bug, I moved my face closer to hers, this was where I hoped to all that was holy that I could pull playful and teasing off. I chuckled lightly and pressed my cheek into one of her larger facial plates, an action that elicited a small giggle from the sociopath. Nervousness was excusable in this situation, so it was not unexpected, and my heart signaled distress like no tomorrow. All the while, I had been moving our mouths closer, until they were millimeters apart. Right as we kissed, I swung the survival knife in a stabbing arch.

It never made contact. Chrysalis giggled again, just as nice and playful as before, but kept our lips locked. Both of us smiled, for very different reasons, but they were directly related. The queen was ecstatic at my stubbornness, even if I had given more than she had been after. I, however, was smiling because I knew I was fucked, Chrysalis had separated me from Leviathan, taken my gun, my mask, and forced me to reveal my last weapon. I allowed myself to find some humor in this.

“I've really messed up this time, haven't I?” The changeling only nodded and pressed in, completely enraptured in the new source of power she had found. A slight feature of the human body, when kissing someone whose genes are a good match for your own, your brain files that person under a mating list, and sets a slight, positive bond to that person. This is to boost the chances of you breeding with that individual, and your offspring inheriting a strong immune system, and since changelings are capable of manipulating their genetic build – within reason, they can't breed with plants – it technically made every member of their species the ideal mate in the brain's eyes. I had unknowingly given her a food source, while simultaneously disarming myself. Someone start the slow clap.

“You walked right into my parlor.”

Yeah, Everypony has Something Unusual.

The improvised firebombs were rather effective against the insect-like changelings, especially when their internal organs expanded from the heat and overwhelm their shells' integrity. After a few seconds of direct burning they just went POP!, nothing much to it.

“Asshole, this used to be a good neighborhood!” Jay lobbed another bottle into an apartment building, thankfully evacuated of its tenants, and watched as flames exposed the hidden bugs. The flute-playing pyro laughed behind his mask as the shape-shifters scittered from cover seeking safety, only to be crushed by the rallying guardsponies. “Guards, fan out and search any uncleared build-”

“Ours is the sound of victory!” A white unicorn with a wild blue mane cried out, accompanied by a blaring line of heavy bass that shook all who heard to their physical core. Unknown to most, Vinyl Scratch, better known as DJ-Pon3, was an avid lover of practical applications of sound, none more so than sonic weaponry. A number of ponies with similar hairstyles were wielding box-like firearms, literal bass cannons, that fire a concentrated pressure wave that matched the resonance frequency of changeling chitin. This meant that the matter comprising their shells would shake violently, much like and opera singer with a wineglass.

We all know what happens to the glass when the singer hits a certain note.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

Let's take a tally, shall we? Celestia is unconscious, Cadence is powerless, the Elements and Jay are fighting in the city below, Queen Chrysalis was sitting high on the throne she was likely to take. Oh, right, Shining Armor is staring at one of the walls, oblivious as to what was happening around him. In a sense, I suppose I envied him, if only because he was blissful unaware of the ruin that surrounded him. At least his part in this was almost over, the bitch would likely keep me around for amusement, before killing me sometime within the next few months, if she managed to keep me contained that long.

“Well, at least you tried.” Chrysalis increased the pressure, it felt like an elephant was holding me against the ground. To add insult to injury, she was dragging my own blade over the skin of my neck, but never actually digging in enough to cut me. All the while, an burning pain was suffusing through my brain, the changeling broodmother was rummaging through my memories again.

“Oh, that spike of anger was a bit too bitter, but your fear is so sweet.” I had the sinking feeling that she was taking pleasure in my resistance, perhaps her vile species fed off all passionate emotions. If so, she was able to parasitize on my all-encompassing disdain for her and her kind, which meant that even when I was giving Chrysalis no affection of any sort, I was still nourishing her. “No hard feelings, right?”

“You can burn.” The queen pouted, I think she was trying to be cute in a sarcastic way, she had certainly picked up a few personality traits from rooting through my noggin. She'd gone from being a stealthy seductress, to a cavalier mind-breaker.

“You're really taking all the fun out of this, you know that?” She dug the knife in a bit, she obviously drew blood, I could tell by the sting. The changeling cackled and tossed the blade aside with a flick of her head, I heard the steel clatter as it skid across the floor. The broodmother's magic lifted me by my shirt collar, and dangled me a few inches off the ground, keeping me at horn-level. “Maybe we should liven things up.” A smile spread across the hive queen's face, like she knew something I didn't. Actually, that might be correct, she shared a psychic link with her massive brood, so she understood how the battle for Canterlot was going. “How do you feel about playing a little game?”

I could tell this was going to be awful.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

Thanks to Vinyl and her weaponized DJ equipment, Jay and the others were able to move much faster than fire and brawn alone would have allowed. Sound blasts and Molotov cocktails presented an unstoppable wave of anti-changeling carnage, bits of chitin and gore were splattered across the battle-scarred streets whenever the bugs mounted an assault. The earlier fights had taken too long without the ranged weapons, and after only an hour since their first use, the majority of Canterlot was returning to Equestrian control.

“We can't afford to rest.” Jay's uniform jacket had been singed, an entire sleeve burned away from one of his blasts, nevertheless, the flautist was ready for more action. “We still have to take the castle back.”

“Can't the princess and your buddy handle the changelings there?” Vinyl meant no disrespect to either Celestia, she knew that the alicorn was able to do quite a bit, much more than the DJ was able to fully understand. She'd also seen the other human during Shining Armor's bachelor pub-crawl, he was a big guy, so there was the physical power he likely possessed.

“The changeling queen took Celestia down, not sure about the other guy, though.” Feather Brawl was a pegasus from Cloudsdale, even he wasn't sure why he'd been invited to the wedding, but it wasn't the sort of thing you turned down. Actually, he was somewhat sure Derpy had mixed up the invitation with something else somewhere along her delivery route. “Last I saw, he was being dangled in the air, so I'm not betting in his favor.”

A pregnant pause fell on the group as the reality of the situation sank in, if Celestia's magic was unable to defend Canterlot, then hope was a luxury. Jay was the first to do anything, an inspirational act that was sure to rally the motley crew. Like a man walking to the gallows, he started chuckling to himself, and swapped his mask's filter for a cleaner one. Vinyl changed her bass cannon's battery pack, the sonic weapon hummer to life with the new power supply. The royal guards readied their spears, and the remaining noise troopers followed their leader's example. The uniformed human glared through his mask's lenses, a wave of contempt washed over him, and an equally powerful hit excitement followed suit.

“Let's do this.”

$%$%$%$%$%$%

Queen Chrysalis knew the battle was lost, she felt every end her children met at the hooves of Canterlot ponies, but she had already done what she came to do. The Grand Matron had sent her hive on this suicide mission to fulfill the next part of the Deceiver’s last prophecy, and she held up her end of the mission flawlessly. Her children wouldn't kill any of the ponies, changelings only killed when absolutely necessary, and they were under orders to leave the equines as unharmed as possible for all the pieces to fall into place properly. Her people, and the entire changeling species, had plenty of food, and emotions only made them stronger, so it made the best cover story.

The Deceiver had spoken of a day when the shadows would be revealed, and the secrets welcomed into the light, and this attack was meant to get the ball rolling. Humans were smart like that, even the tens of thousands of years ago when the Deceiver had appeared before the tribe that would become the changelings. With the myths surrounding the apes, it was Chrysalis' greatest surprise when she saw two humans serving under Celestia as security personnel, and it was only compounded when her pseudo-fiance had spent a night partying with them.

The sting of her honor guard's annihilation awoke the queen from her thoughts. The disguised changeling looked about the crystal caverns, trying to search out her prey. A slight beacon tugged at her mind, she knew exactly where Taylor was, but it was more entertaining to use her other senses to hunt him out. The unmasked teen was following the same path that had led to freedom the first time he'd been imprisoned the caverns, which should show Chrysalis where he had found Leviathan.

A decrepit, rusted door awaited the hive queen, even she could see the tripwire that led to a small pile of disks. With a bit of magic, the changeling cut the line, the pull-trigger for the cave-collapsing bombs was rendered useless by its obviousness. While she had to admit the human crafty, this made twice he had sneaked an attack on her life, he had no real way of competing with a creature whose entire life was based on deception. A few more stings of death fired through Chrysalis' brain, it would take the reclaiming squad a few minutes to free Celestia and Cadence, plus a few more to return Shining Armor to full lucidity. If things went well, the queen could enjoy her final game for an hour, before being killed like every other changeling they had come across.

Pushing the thoughts to the back of her mind, the broodmother flung the door open, and was greeted by a single bullet impacting the wall next to her head.

“Fuck.” The human ducked behind a piece of machinery, some sort of rod was in his hands, quite similar to the first weapon used against the queen. After Chrysalis took her next step, Taylor opted to simply fling his firearm at her rather than fix the jam, which the hive mother caught without effort.

“You really are all talk, I've presented you with ample opportunity.” The insect-like equine smiled at her own joke, though he hadn't said fuck you, her meaning be understood.

“I can only imagine how beat to hell that thing must be.” Was that a comment on her maternal status? If so, it wasn't exactly clever, but it would have stung, had she cared at all for his opinion. The human darted from his cover, knocking over several barrels as he went, their contents splashing over the cement floor and leaving shallow puddles of foul-smelling liquid everywhere. As the uniformed teen ran, Chrysalis kept at her leisurely walk, splashing in the acrid fluid as she went.

At the room's far end, she saw Taylor flick a lighter.

Magic, the Semi-Harmless Radiation

Magic, the Semi-Harmless Radiation

As the flickering lighter fell, I learned many things. First and foremost, that I was just as soaked as Chrysalis, we would both go up in flames in a second. I also noticed that the broodmother made no attempts to catch the incendiary device, actually, she seemed to accept her death without a fuss of fight. Perhaps it was adrenaline, or some miracle, but I was able to run much faster than my norm, and only felt the heat off the fireball from the exploding barrels. My clothing, however, was no so lucky, and the combustible fabric soon burned my skin. A heavy but somewhat pliant object slammed into my back and sent me to the ground.

A trail of fire connected with another grouping of barrels, bathing the only exit in flames. Not that I was in any condition to move, with my skin screaming in pain and whatever the fuck was on my back. I didn't expect the debris to move, or the inferno to warp around me instead of engulfing me like any fire should. A green spark caught my attention, and it turned to it as best I could, and actually wasn't that surprised with what I say. Chrysalis hadn't attempted to stop the initial explosion's shock-wave, but she hadn't been killed by it, the blast just stunned her. Her eyes were still open, but they were unfocused, and her magic was still actively deflecting the flames. I realized that was an autonomous survival response, and a certain bubble around her was protected from burning.

I had a wonderful idea.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

“You two alright?” Jay had just finished cutting Celestia from the cocoon he'd found her in, while the guards were taking care of Cadence and Shining Armor. The princess spit out some green gunk, some kind of bug juice from the inside the pod that had gotten into her lungs. At least it didn't seemed harmful, not yet, anyway.

“Chrysalis took Taylor to the caverns!” The outburst was punctuated by a low rumble permeating the castle, it came from deep below, most like the Marehouse. The human would know that feeling anywhere, and he was positive that was an explosion being muffled by the mountain's stone.

“Somehow, I think he has the situation under control.” Much to the uniformed teen's dismay, the alicorn pulled on his shoulders to hoist herself up. Celestia was capable of being very loud when she wanted, and if it helped get her point across, then she would resort to shouting. However, her calmer voice would do much more in this situation.

“You don't know how scared of her he is.” The alicorn was deathly serious, for the first time since Jay met her, the princess' eyes were narrowed in anger. The teen realized that he may have made a mistake in his estimates, but he couldn’t be certain if he had overestimated Taylor, or underestimated the changeling queen. Another rumble permeated the mountain, this one was more powerful than the previous one, likely munitions detonating inside the Marehouse. Jay briefly wondered how much damage had been done, before he remembered that his friend was likely in the epicenter of the blast. Taylor was a tough guy in his own right, but a large bomb would put him under like anybody else. “She had him shaking, she even used his own knife on him.”

“What kind of psycho is this bug bitch?” The teenaged pyromaniac did not like what he heard, nothing about the changeling queen sounded good. If Taylor was able to hold her off, it wouldn't last long, and the explosions erupting below the castle only proved the young man's desperation.

“We've got to get him out of there!” Shining Armor had returned to the waking world, thanks to his fiance's help, but there were more pressing matters than celebration at hoof. The captain was more than ready to mount an assault on the classified facility, the black project's location was well-known to the higher-ups in the royal guard. That didn't mean he knew what was held within, it just meant he knew the door code and how to clean the keyboard.

“Maybe we should keep you up here while more able soldiers take care of it.” There had never been a moment when Shining Armor looked at Cadence like she was insane, but there was a first time for everything. With Princess Celestia's stare, the slightly-shaken stallion had no option but to agree.

With the monarch's consent, Jay and Vinyl took four noise troopers to the lift.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

A suicide mission, that what it had been, simple as that. Chrysalis realized that Taylor had viewed their little game the same way as she did, and for a moment, almost felt guilty about attacking the city. The human was slumped against the lift's wall, most of his exposed skin was a mass of mottled red and pink, only his face and parts of his legs were untouched by the flames. The teen was still lucid enough to know that the broodmother was awake, possibly enough to know that she had faked being unconscious the entire time. Chrysalis briefly wondered what was going to become of her and her few children that still lived, freedom was unlikely, and Taylor was almost certainly set on execution. How long would she suffer at his hands before Celestia ordered him to end her, if the Solar Princess would even allow the human to perform the deed himself.

“I hope you'll kill me quickly, I hear torture is an awful experience.” The queen was joking, she highly doubted her burned carapace would be capable of sensation for some time, changelings took several weeks to regrow lost nerve endings, and her chitinous exoskeleton was sufficiently charred to warrant a shedding or two.

“Torture is the coward's method of information extraction.” Taylor was proving to be an odd one, he had set fire to an entire storage complex full of powerful artifacts in order to kill the hivemother, and now he was saying he wasn't going to torture her. Chrysalis was accustomed to using deception to get what she wanted, and she knew the human was after something, she just wasn't sure what. A single spark came from her horn before the human hurled an amorphous, soft object at her head, and she found herself unable to complete her digging.

“What did you hit me with?” The green thing rolled on the floor, its odd bumps and clefts made its movement as unusual as its form. Whatever it was, the strange item did a spectacular job at negating the queen's magic. The revelation brought a genuine smile to the teen's face, like a foal with a huge haul from Nightmare Night. Chrysalis realized that Taylor had just found a powerful weapon against any magic-wielder he could ever come across, and she was his test subject.

“It's called a Bubble, it neutralizes radiation.” The final terms was unfamiliar to the broodmother, though the way the human said it, it sounded like something awful. Chrysalis had seen into the teen's analytical mind, but hadn't found a reason to venture into his stored knowledge, she was actually regretting that decision. “Magic, it seems, is a harmless form of high-powered energy, like gamma without the gene damaging effects.”

Before the queen could ask what any of those words meant, the lift's door opened to reveal the other human and some ponies armed with oddly-shaped speakers. Taylor gave them a mocking salute as they saw him, burned and blistered, but still very much alive. Two of the noise troopers bound Chysalis in chains before anything could be said, and the changeling gave no resistance. Taylor was helped to his feet as a white unicorn attempted to pick up the Bubble with her magic, only to have the masked human grab it instead. The burned man looked to his uniformed comrade, and in the kindest voice h could muster, made an innocent request.

“Get me to a goddamned medic.”

$%$%$%$%$%$%

I was rushed to a hospital, one of the few buildings that had gone undamaged in the battle, and been immediately treated for my injuries. The ponies had a salve they put on my burns that sped cellular regeneration, but itched like hell under the bandages. Thankfully, the balm would prevent most of the scarring, but that didn't mean infection wasn't possible, so they weren't allowing visitors just yet. I was relieved that everything had gone relatively well, with only a dozen deaths on our side, mostly just aged hearts giving out, but the losses would be easy to recover from. Shit, was that really how I was looking at this? Death and destruction, hundreds of ponies were homeless, and I was focusing on numbers?

Numbers and whatever secret Chrysalis had up her metaphorical sleeve. Deceiver, that's what she called me, and it implied religious or cultural significance, further study would be required. My nurse had dropped off a message from Celestia that I would have all the time in the world to interrogate the queen, she would be receiving a life sentence, as would the dozen or so of her brood that still lived. The princess had also taken the liberty of letting Trixie and Lyra know that I was okay, and they would likely be the very first two ponies I saw that weren't medical staff after I'm allowed visitors.

I had a busy week ahead of me, and things would only get worse from there.

Keep Calm and Kill Time

Being laid up in a hospital sucks, and it had been two days since the Battle for Canterlot had ended. The doctors still wouldn't let me have visitors, so most of my entertainment come in the form of mental exercise. For me, that daydreaming, and I’d lose about four hours at a time to idle fantasy. Anything that would take my mind off the itching would help, though, so I was grateful for that. The slave the nurses applied every six hours helped heal me, and the worst burns had been downgraded, but there would still be permanent scarring over my arms and parts of my chest and back. At the moment, I was considering the possibility of finding technology from spacefaring species that may have inadvertently jumped to Equestria. Sadly, a rapping on my door interrupted my thoughts. It was my nurse, dubbed Nurse Coldheart, though she was a very friendly mare.

“How are you feeling today?” The yellowish earth pony had been nothing but kind to me, though suppose that my arrival had everything to do with it. For the first few hours of my stay, I had been little more than a pile of soiled bandages and barely lucid human, it went without saying that a healer's first instincts overrode the prey response felt by most ponies upon their first encounter with our kind. Actually, it was usually nothing more than an added bit of nervousness.

“About the same as yesterday, but no pain.” That only referred to the deeper damage I had suffered, minor fractures and lacerations from shrapnel, but my skin was notoriously sensitive. Granted, I had played with fire like most other male children, and the fascination with flame had resulted in pain on several occasions, but I had never been lit from head to toe. “That balm is working miracles.”

“Glad to hear it.” I'm not quite sure if the nurse understood that I wanted out as soon as possible, or that my politeness was sarcastic. In the two months or so Jay and I had been in Equestria, the colorful ponies hadn't really grasped human sarcasm, and mine could very subtle. “Well, since you're gaining momentum, I think you can handle some company.”

“Can Trixie come in now?”

$%$%$%$%$%$%

“Just a temporary relocation, it should be quite simple.” Princess Celestia was making an offer to move Jay and Taylor, along with Trixie and the Elements to Canterlot for an undetermined period of time. This was both a relief effort and a defensive measure, the two teens were practically heroes in the capital, and the six Bearers went without saying.

“I have a little too much going on for me in Ponyville to just pack up and move.” That was a blatant lie. In truth, the flautist had spent the previous two months working at Sweet Apple Acres, it was the best kind of employment, but the rural job had grown stale and he'd seen enough of the Apple family to last a lifetime. “You're going to have to make it worth my time.”

“Jay, be reasonable.” Princess Luna had been awake for the past twenty hours, and was in no mood to deal with the stubborn human. The dark blue alicorn was fully aware that he was lying through his teeth, Applejack had been able to agree, and the Element of Honesty had informed the princesses that the flautist did almost nothing outside of work.

“I'm only asking to be payed, maybe stay in a nice suite in a fancy hotel, but that's it.” Actually, Jay was just dragging at the end, the money was what he wanted. Even then, he barely cared about being compensated for his time, his necessities were being provided by the crown, so everything else was just for luxury.

“Fine, stay in Ponyville, and all of your friends will be here.”

$%$%$%$%$%$%

“You look like a pile of melted rubber.” Trixie wasn't aware of the details, classified information and all that, but she knew that I had indeed been burned alive.

“Gee, thanks for the sympathy, Trix.” I started re-wrapping bandages on my arm, fresh ones of course, the soiled roll was in the trash. The blue unicorn looked a little ashamed of herself, and I felt sorry for her, I know how I would feel if the person that saved my life had been severely injured. Not to mention the insulting remark, but that was just something the showmare did without thinking. Nevermind that, I wasn't offended, and she new it.

“If I'd been here I could have helped.” Was she experiencing survivor's guilt with someone who was still very much alive?

“Hey, I lit myself up, don't blame anyone but me for that idea.” Not my proudest moment, but it would have been a badass way to go. The blue pony lunged forward and hugged me, keep in mind that my flesh was still very exposed underneath the layer of gauze, so you can imagine what it felt like to have someone squeeze me. With a pained squeak from me, Trixie relinquished her grip.

“Sorry.” The magician was treating me like I was made of glass, even if it was more than obvious that I was now our group's designated tank. We sat in silence for a bit, enjoying the company and lack of boredom, but still appreciating the quietness of the situation. Visiting hours would end soon, and I would be alone until my discharge tomorrow. This left me with some serious time to think, and I'm not quite certain I like where they would go. Of course, there was one thing I needed to know before Trixie and I parted ways.

“Trix, would like to fire a laser cannon?”

$%$%$%$%$%$%
Extra – Legally Distinct With Ninety Percent More Friendship.
Two months in Equestria, give or take a few days.

“Incoming!” Pinkie ducked behind a low wall as she clutched her weapon to her chest. As Gunner, it was up to her to provide the backbone of any defense or assault, and her Magigun would lead Yellow Team to victory. A sparkball erupted from her previous location, Taylor was the Purple Team's Commando, and was damned accurate with his Sparklauncher. Just as the purple-clad teen rushed the low wall, a lavender beam of light struck his forehead, and he vanished to the Purple Spawn.

Thirty Seconds Remaining! The Princess Celestia's voice echoed from many hidden speakers, so she sounded like she was everywhere at once. Given the number of camera's in the area, she practically was.

“We got an Infiltrator!” Rainbow Dash was referring to Chrysalis, Purple's expert in stealth and espionage. She was able to disguise herself as anypony she wanted, which made her both the easiest and most difficult enemy to defeat. The Element of Loyalty point to Rarity, Yellow's own Infiltrator, and the white pony looked guilty as Pinkie's Magigun rounds teleported her back to Spawn. The Element of Laughter barely had time to notice the Spawn flash was yellow that same flash blocked her eyes.

“You, too?” Dash looked more than agitated that Jay had sprayed Rainfire all over her, in fact, she was loading her Spraysling with new rounds. Purple magic erupted over the weapon as it vanished from existence, the two ponies knew all too well what that meant.

Victory!

In a wave of purple cloth, Yellow Team experienced the Walk of Defeat.

Remember How I Used to do a lot of Polls?

Queen Chrysalis was locked away in Canterlot Castle's dungeon for three days, her legs were chained to the floor and an iron ring was clasped around her horn. Queen may have been a stretch, only twelve of her brood remained from the hundreds that had invaded, but her mission had been accomplished in full. The Grand Matron had chosen her to place the pieces, and the two humans had unknowingly started the chain. This was a positive change of all of Equus, with the Deceiver's ancient technology everypony would benefit, and peace would reign. Ancient depictions of the Deceiver's weaponry had shown a vehicle not unlike the hulking war machine that could have easily ended her existence, and its owner had put it to use on many occasions.

Changeling lore credited a biped with teaching their species deception and stealth tens of thousands of years ago, when all races of ponies diverged from the original proto-equine. As the tale went, a comet landed it what was now called the Badlands and carried with it a powerful warrior and charismatic leader. The ancient fighter had contributed so much, even the structure of changeling hives and their unnoticeable feeding tactics. The only real difference between the Deceiver and the two humans was the ability to wield magic, which Jay and Taylor seemed to actively resist in all forms. Pony magic shorted out around them, though changeling magic was still seventy percent as effective, and records had shown that all humans from Jay and Taylor's home universe shared that unique trait, perhaps every member of their kind shared the unusual gift.

As the queen's stomach reminded her of how little she had actually eaten, the changeling couldn't help but regard the bland food with distaste, she would only eat the bare minimum for her carapace to heal. Chrysalis nudged an apple with her muzzle as she thought of her mother's words on the apes, the Grand Matron had a certain way with language. They pop up from time to time, sometimes from the Deceiver's home, sometime from a world of peace, sometimes from a planet ravaged by eternal war, but they always bring change with them. That had been the Matron's most recent speech to her twenty daughters, all of whom were queens themselves, with Chrysalis being the youngest at only eighty years of age, barely more than a teenager when compared to her centuries-long lifespan. The youngest to try and fulfill a prophecy, and the youngest to lose her hive to battle, few things went the young queen's way it seemed.

“Knock knock.” Speak of the devil and he shall appear. Taylor was wrapped in bandages, they covered his arms and most of his hands, but it left his fingers exposed to perform delicate tasks. Only a few burns still extended past his chest, wispy tendrils of paler flesh snaked around his neck like a perverse pattern of tattoos. Almost on instinct, the queen's eyes darted to the pistol resting in a shoulder holster, she didn't want to know what that felt like.

“I wasn't expecting you so soon.” Chrysalis was actually starved for company, as odd as it was for the emotional vampire, she kind of missed social activity. Not that Taylor was an enjoyable person to be around, but he was still better than the stoic guardsponies that kept watch over the fallen monarch. “I would have brought out the good silverware if you had sent ahead.”

“You know why I'm here.” Okay, so he wasn't in the mood for games, that was somewhat frightening to the broodmother. The human slipped into the cell with a folding chair in hand, which he quickly slipped open before closing the door behind him. “The sooner you start talking, the sooner I can help you.”

“I still won't be allowed to leave Equestria or start another hive.” Neither of those actually concerned the insectoid mare; to her mother and sisters, she was already dead. There wasn't much the ponies could offer that interested the relatively young queen.

“What's it going to take for us to make a deal?”

$%$%$%$%$%$%

Jay tightened the wrench on his newest and only invention, forged from his own blood and sweat. Crafted from a scuba tank, rubber hose, oven pilot light, and some metal piping, it was the finest flamethrower he had ever seen. Ever since the invasion, the flautist had an odd affiliation for incendiary weapons, and this was no different. Finally, he understood how one could have a muse without needing an instrument to play, but creative talent still required an outlet. He gave one final pull to close the seal, and only succeeded in breaking it, sending the slim fuel tank rocketing out of the room.

“Watch it!” Rainbow Dash ducked her head inside the human's workshop, her mane was messier than usual, which was likely from the passing missile. It didn't help that the two hadn't exactly met on the best of circumstances, words and actions that shouldn't have been exchanged were knocked between them. Rape dungeon had been said more than once, along with the implication that the Element of Loyalty was a pedophile.

“Not my fault you keep getting in my way.” Jay started to grumble under his breath after that, already occupied with removing the broken seal and replacing the fuel tank. Few things could rouse a human from the task at hand, so Dash felt it would be a wonderful time to look at the teen's odd invention. She was familiar with the species' ingenuity, Taylor had actually repaired many of the gadgets around Ponyville, but she had never witnessed the act of creation firsthoof. The flautist wrapped a small hose leak with duct tape before giving the trigger a gentle squeeze. Nothing perceivable happened, but it seemed to please the pyromaniac greatly. With the flick of a switch, the pilot light blazed to life, and the human smiled with manic glee.

A gout of flame erupted from the weapon's tip.

$%$%$%$%$%$%
Extra – Trixie Fires a Laser Cannon
Two months in Equestria, give or take a few days.

“Alright, just look at the view screen and let the targeting computer do the work.” I guided the blue pony's hoof to the control stick, apparently the Imperial guard kicked it old school. When the reticule was over the burned-out car husk, Trixie pressed the trigger button. A satisfying crack resonated within Leviathan's cabin, and the car chassis exploded in a cloud of dust.

“That was awesome!” The showmare put her hooves in the air in a victorious pose, but she unknowingly touched the commander's tread controls, which I had thankfully locked as a precaution. That didn't stop the heavy bolters from firing, and the sounds of gunshots sent both of us sprawling to the floor. In humor that only existed in bad sitcoms and movies, my flailing foot trigger the Mega Battle Cannon. The high-caliber ballistic shell fired without a hitch, which was the good news. The bad news, however, was that one of the castle's towers was now collapsing into rubble.

“We should probably fix that.” Sadly, I'm not a mason of any sort, so stonework was a bit beyond my hands' skill. I looked at Trixie, hoping she had some sort of solution for the accident, or maybe some scheme to get the whole thing blamed on the battle. “You ever figure out chronomancy?”

“Time magic is just an old pony's tale.” My thoughts traveled to the odd array of characters I had come across in my stay in Equestria, and the Doctor seemed like more than a fitting subject.

“But you could still use technology to propel yourself across time and space.” The blue pony cocked her head at me in confusion, I could tell that most of what I had said had gone over the top of her head. Then, she gave me a harsh look that she reserved for when I said something she found offensive. “Hey, don't give me that look, I only broke the laws of physics and tore the universe a new asshole.”

$%$%$%$%$%$%
Extra – War Games and Fancy Headgear
Two Months in Equestria

“Flamer comin' over the ridge!” Applejack was Yellow Team's Mechanic, and her Apple Turret was helping up her damage output, but was almost useless against Jay's Rainfire attacks. A lavender bolt from Twilight, the Yellow Hitman, impacted the teen's forehead, and sent him back to Purple Spawn. “Runner, take the point!”

“On it!” Dash ran out from behind a destroyed wall and galloped as hard as she could to the purple pillar of light that was their final objective. A light blue beam of light impacted just under her temple as the pegasus was sent back to Spawn, Purple Hitman Trixie was dominating the polychromatic pony!

“Too bad you couldn't outrun magic.” The magician smiled in sadistic joy as she reloaded her Huntersnipes, Trixie felt the training exercises were Celestia's best idea in the history of good ideas. The showmare looked down her scope and tried to find her next target, the Infiltrator that had knifed Chrysalis in the back. “Where are you, you Canterlot wannabe?”

“Right behind you.”

Across the map, Commandos Taylor and Shining Armor faced off in a battle of Scattershot blasts. Bits of concrete flew from the magical impacts, both of their HUDs indicated Point Beta was being taken by Yellow, with only a few millimeters until the round was over. A yellow wave of light slithered from behind a wrecked vehicle and enveloped the unicorn Commando. A well-placed Scatter blast sent Taylor back to Spawn, but he heard one last message before being teleported.

Victory!

$%$%$%$%$%$%
For an added challenge, you guys decide what Chrysalis' metaphorical price is.
I will write in whatever gets the most votes.
Anything that could make sense in this story will be accepted, so you have plenty of wiggle room.

All Work and no Play

“What's it going to take for us to make a deal?” I looked at the captured hivemother in apprehension, I wasn't afraid of her but there was a lingering feeling of dread that surrounded her. Our eyes were locked, both of us obviously thought the situation was too important to waste energy on pointless tasks. The queen seemed to chew on the inside of her cheek, mulling over her options. Barring freedom and the right to create more drones, there was very little I couldn't give her in exchange for her information.

“I want you and Jay.” What? No, seriously, fucking what? Of everything she could have asked for, she picked an indeterminate bribe and left it to me to figure her meaning.

“Explain.” I'm an intellectual, but the inner machinations of the female brain remained an enigma. Chrysalis giggled for a bit, overjoyed by my perceived ignorance, and I’m not quite sure I wanted to know her meaning. That being said, there weren't many possibilities at that point.

“If I can't start a new hive, then my daughter can.” I had understood her desire to reproduce, she was an insect queen after all, but I still failed to see how either Jay or I fit into her scheme. The broodmother must have picked up on my thoughts, though the iron clamp on her horn prevented her from using any active magics. A sultry smile spread across the fallen mother's face, and she leaned towards me. “If a queen's egg goes unfertilized, it becomes a drone; if she is impregnated by a male of any mammalian species native to Equestria, then it is a warrior; if the sire was a reptile like a dragon or wyvern, it becomes a member of its mother's honor guard.”

“You still haven't done as I've said.” I was beginning to tire of her games, my breakfast was getting cold and I was in no mood for her shit. “Unlike my authority, my patience has its limits, so make it quick.”

“Haven't I spelled it out for you?” Chrysalis cocked her head to the side, the same salacious expression on her face somehow managed to convey confusion. She walked as close to me as her bindings would allow, and I practically recoiled in disgust. “If an egg is fertilized by a human, it becomes a queen.” Now I saw how it was, how she was going to circumvent the rules laid down by Celestia, and snag Jay or myself in her tangled web.

“No.” The queen sputtered and looked at me in shock; either she had been serious, or she was hoping my response would have been more animated. I adjusted the wrappings on my arm nonchalantly, allowing the changeling to come down from her jostled throne.

“But why? You don't lose anything, and I could always use Jay.” She pointed a holed hoof in my direction, like she was accusing me of something. She must have forgotten that I was the inquisitor in the room, not her.

“Think of something else.” Honestly, it was like talking to a spoiled child that wasn't allowed the shiny toy she wanted. The cockblocked broodmother thought for a few moments, and I was left thinking that she was set on this solution.

“Just have me released into your custody.” Clever girl, but I doubt she knew that I was staying in Canterlot for the next few weeks. If so, she was in for a surprise when the guards moved her to a suite that adjoined to mine. Or maybe she was counting on it, I wouldn't put it past her. Either way, I knocked on the cell door twice, and a sheet of paper slid though the crack above the floor. With a few quick motions, my signature was written across the designated line, and passed to the guards outside.

“We'll have you moved out within the hour.”

$%$%$%$%$%$%

“So, how are we going to move this?” Jay was looking at Leviathan like it was a puzzle, the massive war machine would prove to be such until he devised a plan to lower it to the streets.

“It's way too heavy for me to move.” Twilight had given it her best, but the tank weighed over seven-hundred-thousand pounds, and only Celestia or Luna had any hope of moving it. Unfortunately, both princesses were indisposed, too busy recovering from the invasion to help move the titanic vehicle. “But I did see how Taylor drove it.”

“We're going to pilot this thing?” Rainbow Dash looked at the war-scarred, steel beast like a mighty steed ready to be tamed. The golden, two-headed eagle almost challenged the polychromatic mare with its silent disgust at all things inhuman. “Sweet.”

“Ah think we should wait 'til Taylor gets back, he's already moved it before.” Applejack was often the group's voice of reason when it came to commonsense decisions. No offense to Twilight, but book smarts didn't always equate to decisiveness.

“Moved what?” The burned human strolled into the ceremonial hall like nothing had ever happened, wearing only pants and a layer of bandages for a long-sleeved shirt. Much more surprising was the length of heavy chain that trailed behind him, leading to none other than a horn-shackled Queen Chrysalis. The three Elements and human jumped into action, and two sonic weapons were leveled at the changeling, who quickly ducked behind her captor. The burned teen held up a hand to stop the soon to erupt slaughter.

“Relax, she's with us now.” Jay only aimed for his friend instead of the bug hiding behind him, thinking he was under the changeling's influence.

“He's telling the truth.” Captain Aegis of the Nightguard waltzed into the ceremonial chamber just as casually as Taylor, being off duty was a very relaxing thing for the pegasus veteran, and he had been the one to give approval of the inquisitor's actions. “I signed the release papers personally, she's in your hands now.”

“Well, that escalated quickly.” Jay looked at the still cowering queen and his bored friend, thinking of all the different ways the situation could come back to bite him in the ass. That was, until he realized something very important.

“Why does Taylor get a cool title but I don't?”

$%$%$%$%$%$%

“So, how are we going to do this?” Chrysalis looked at me over the small table in my suite, the iron clasp still firmly blocking her magic and preventing her from causing any harm to me or the surrounding area.

“Just start talking, everything either of us say is being recorded.” I gestured to a levitating quill, propelled by a scribe's unique spell. It would capture everything either of us said, even our tine of voice, so long as I didn't touch it until the questioning was over. “Just anything you feel comfortable saying.”

“Like I have a choice.” The changeling broodmother gave me a mirthless chuckle, clearly unamused by her current predicament. We looked at each other for a few minutes, sizing up the possibilities the other could present. “Pick where to start.”

“How about the Deceiver you kept going on about.”

My Little Spaghetti

We all know Pinkie likes parties, that's just how she is, and that it wasn’t out of the question that she would want to throw a celebration in honor of our victory over the invading changelings. Well fuck going to that, after being burned alive, I just wanted to relax, and Jay needed the wind-down as much as me. So, apparently Chrysalis and Trixie get along well, because they collaborated with Twilight to host a coed slumber party. Unfortunately for me and my fellow teenager, the broodmother was just as deceptive as she had always been, and lured us both in under false pretenses. Well, that's how they got Jay, because they ripped me out of bed and dragged me to Chrysalis' room.

“As soon as I get out of here, you are all going to die.” It was ten, and I'd been trying to sleep since noon. I was not a happy man by any definition, and they were going to know it.

“Relax, you got less sleep around me and Bons.” Did I forget to mention Lyra was there? Well, she was, and that alone made things more bearable and stressful at the same time. And no, that was not an innuendo about me joining in on the couple's sex, they were just loud and the first-floor ceiling wasn't enough to block the noise. “And that was while you were trying to build an electric engine for your truck.”

“Why not build me a new laptop?” Jay was enjoying this exponentially more than me, of course, zero to the hundredth is still zero. “You seem to be doing everything except what you promised.”

“Eat a bucket of fried dicks.” Before things could escalate further, Lyra and Twilight got between us in an attempt to diffuse the situation. Please note that they were blocking me, because Jay posed no physical threat to me. I'll be the first to admit that he had bulked up during his work at Sweet Apple Acres, but he still wasn't on my level.

“Now listen, I've done all of this to give you guys a relaxing night with friends, the very least you could do is humor me.” Twilight could be very forceful when she wanted, as I had learned twice while working for her. As you know, we arrived during the early spring, so care to guess what happens in the late spring and early summer for equines? Yeah, that had been the second time I'd learned that lesson.

“I'll cooperate as long as he does.” What Jay said was tantamount to my own words, though much less civil. With our mutual, though begrudging compliance, the Element of Magic pulled out what I had thought was a board game, and I had been close. You know those boxed Truth or Dare games that use cards that tell you what to ask or have the person do? Well, apparently Equestria had them too.

“Trixie always hated this game as a foal.” The showmare hadn't actually hated the childish game, so much as never had anyone to play it with. She was a very lonely filly before I came along with my knife and makeshift medical skills. Her disdain aside, we circled around the two stacks of cards and took our seats. Trixie and Lyra where at my sides, Chrysalis was across from me, and I was left wishing for a die to roll to decide who went first and what direction turns would go. Sadly, the mares decided Jay would have the first go.

“Alright, Twilight, truth or dare?” He wouldn't draw the corresponding card until she answered, and the whole setup had me suspicious about the game's intentions. With each passing moment, the odd feeling in my gut worsened, and I knew when to trust my gut.

“Truth.” Twilight had a very slight smirk on her face, and the other females wore the same. Why was this doing nothing to ease my nerves? If anything, it was making me more on-edge than normal, and that was never a good thing. Jay drew the Truth card with the practiced ease of a gambler, it probably helped that we played a lot of Magic before coming to Equestria.

“How many se- what the fuck?!” I have never seen my friend's eyes so wide, save one round of yearbook photos that I'm not willing to discuss. He waved me over to see what had caught his breath, and I can't truly say I'm surprised.

“Well, Twilight, answer him. How many sexual partners have you had?” Judging by the looks I got, they hadn't been expecting me to be so cool with the mature game, but two can play at this game. Well, technically it requires three or more, but you get the point. The lavender Element bearer blushed and stuttered for a bit, clearly unused to being asked such questions, but she did pull through.

“None.” I don't think anyone was surprised by that, I can attest that she got out less than I did. Now, it was at that moment, after I had read the question aloud, that I realized I may have brought some shit down on me. But, the first rule of a war of attrition was entrench your position, and this battle had a mental no-man's-land. My conscience already had its spade ready. “Taylor, truth or dare?”

“Dare.” Retreat? Do I look French to you? And yes, I knew that I was likely putting the nails in my own coffin. Twilight magicked the card from the stack like an ace Uno player, yes, those actually exist. The lavender mare thought she had me pegged with her scary and embarrassing dare.

“Put on a pair of socks.” Right, the whole sock thing. You'd think that she would have realized that I wore a pair every single day, but geniuses lacked common sense sometimes.

“You mean like these?” I pointed to my feet, and you could have seen the joy drain from her face when she realized me level of preparedness. She looked angry for a second, really angry, like burn down your house with a glare angry. The lavender mare flipped through the rulebook for a bit, before she evidently found the passage she was looking for.

“Whenever a player already meets the requirements for a clothing-base dare, a new card must be drawn.” Twilight placed the card in the used stack, looking smug that she'd beaten me for the first time since we'd met. Her magical aura enveloped the next Dare card, and for once, I was feeling nervous about my fate. But the die had been cast, let the universe do with me as it pleased.

“Let's see what we've got.”

$%$%$%$%$%$%
Extra – A Lesson in Equine Biology
Week Three in Equestria, a Monday.

“Huh, wonder where everyone went.” I was sitting on the balcony of Lyra's apartment, which was goddamned fancy enough to warrant it. I had been awake for the past two days, another bout of insomnia for me, and through the past couple of days, my sleepless brain had been noting the diminishing numbers of males in Ponyville. Even the Doctor had taken flight, which was rather odd of him, what little I actually understood outside of scientific conversation. Spike and Big Mac had left town yesterday, and they took Jay with them for some reason, so there was one fly out of my ointment.

Like I had done before in my sleepless mornings, I watched the town awaken with the dawn as I sipped a bitter, herbal medicine meant to aid in rest. Just as I thought, married couples and young foals had left town entirely, while the vast majority of the fairer sex had remained, along with the occasional dude thrown in for balance. The mares seemed a bit... off somehow, like they were itchy or sick, but my perch didn't allow me the luxury to take closer observations. I was also too lazy and polite to ask a lady what was wrong with her. However, something in the air was making my head fuzzy, so maybe getting another cup of bitter sleep-aid and knocking out for a couple of hours wasn't such a bad idea. The last thing I saw from the balcony was Bon-bon leaving for work, we always seemed to miss each other in the mornings.

“Oh, hey Taylor.” Lyra was sitting at the dinner table, eating her breakfast like a sensible person/pony, but I couldn't help but notice a tinge in her cheeks. She was slightly flushed, maybe she had a fever, not something I needed to deal with, but still. I placed my own cheek on her forehead, ponies were hotter than humans on a normal basis, but she felt much warmer. “What are you doing?”

“Do you feel hot?” Lyra looked at me like I was insane, before she must have remembered something, then she started laughing.

“Yes, I do.” She still had that mocking grin on her face, and I could easily pick up the same dizzying aroma that was outside. Whatever it was permeated the air within the dwelling, and seemed to be emitting from the teal mare that sat in front of me.

“I trust you have something to fix this?” Malady should never be taken lightly, especially if it was making my own senses go haywire. The mare just giggled and grabbed my hand, something she had always been rather fond of, and I wasn't about to turn away an ailing pony.

“It's not that kind of sickness, Taylor.”

“So, if it's a virus, just treat the symptoms.” She giggled again, I think I was missing something here, but who cares? A shake of her head told me I still had it wrong, and a point of her hoof hinted that I should look down. There was a certain question that popped into my head, and I just about answered my others with it mere existence.

Why did I have an erection?

Then I remembered what spring meant for equines.

$%$%$%$%$%$%
Do I even need to tell you guys that you pick the dare?

Hakuna Matata is an actual Swahili phrase and wasn't made up by Disney

“Let’s see what we've got.” Twilight took quite a bit of delight in reading the Dare card. If there was one way to get under Taylor's skin, it would be the tiny rectangle suspended by the unicorn's magic. The humor was almost sinfully delightful, if only the teen knew what was coming his way, things would have been so much sweeter. The lavender mare would be sure to thank Celestia for the opportunity at her first chance. “You have to kiss the pony across from you for one minute.”

“Tongue optional or required?” That sufficiently threw the observers for a loop. While Taylor had claimed a true disgust at everything Chrysalis stood for, he wasn't shying away from the challenge. Twilight noticed the bandaged teen shift to a position that would allow more movement, almost like he was readying himself for a leap at the changeling broodmother.

“It... uh, doesn't say.” The blushing Element bearer placed the card in the used pile, and prepared for the show that was sure to unfold. That, or the one time she would ever see Taylor back out of something.

“I can't watch this.” Jay spun around in his spot, but his cellphone could easily be seen. The flautist was obviously taping this for future blackmail, or it could have been for his personal collection. Lyra and Trixie had remained silent during the exchange, but were now wholly focused on the human and changeling that were staring each other down. While all of the mares were somewhat familiar with how humans could crawl, the ambulation the burned teen used was something akin to a predatory cat, and the silent motions were slightly unsettling.

“I can.” Lyra pulled out a small camera, one of those Polaroid instant-development set-ups. Once things started heating up, she'd be snapping photos as fast as she could; it wasn't like they wouldn't come in handy in the future. The bandaged teen reached his mark, and with the mutual movement of craniums, engaged in the first act of human/changeling affection that didn't have a lethal ulterior motive. Chrysalis gasped a bit before leaning in, a devilish smirk was present on her face just as prevalently as on Taylor's; it wasn't a secret that they were enjoying the contact. The two continued the light kiss for a few seconds, before splitting for a moment.

When they reconnected, there was nothing light about it. The slight show of something pink sparked Chrysalis to open her mouth, allowing her tongue to meet the human's. In impromptu battle for dominance began between the two, and the warring factions consisted of a single muscled organ. The broodmother wrapped a foreleg around the burned teen's neck, a bit of leverage needed to sustain the intimate contact. Taylor followed her example, choosing to move a hand down Chrysalis' side until it rested on her flank. A single flex of his fingers made the insectoid mare flinch, and the foreleg she kept on the floor slightly gave way.

A light growl escaped the teen's throat as he and the hivequeen hit the ground, and he was all too happy to place himself over the changeling. The scarred human used his superior weight to keep Chrysalis pinned, like a cat toying with its prey, though there was absolutely nothing malicious involved. A deeper rumble came from the male as the queen nibbled his lip, a silent request to play a second round, and he was eager to oblige.

“Time.” Both participants groaned as Twilight's stopwatch came up at one minute. The Element had very little resistance to such displays, and her scarlet cheeks only brightened when she noticed the salacious looks passing between the bandaged human and changeling.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

Barring genetic predisposition to finding a suitable mate tricking my brain into thinking Chrysalis was sexy, that wasn't half bad. If the small stack of photos and blushing mares were anything to go by, I’d say I wasn't the only one to enjoy it.

“I'd say that completes the challenge.” Despite my voice remaining its usual, serious and bored tone, I was very excited about choosing my victim. Chrysalis was out of the question, that just seemed too cliché, but i also couldn't pick Twilight. So, I was stuck between Jay, Lyra, and Trixie. Lyra was the least affected by the earlier display, so there wasn't much fun to be had; my flautist friend had chosen to record the whole thing, and I couldn't fault him for that. It wasn't a secret that Trixie had thin skin, and making out with Chrysalis probably made her a bit jealous. My target was obvious. “So Trix, truth or dare?”

“Truth.” I should have figured, but I couldn't complain as I drew the corresponding card from the stack. Oh happy day, happy day, looks like she picked a winner.

“What's your secret fantasy?” I wonder where Twilight got this kit, maybe from the princess. I was going to thank Celestia for this anyway, so she was probably the source of my entertainment. The blue Lulamoon thought for a moment, almost as though she was planning on lying to me, but I knew she would answer truthfully.

“Trixe has always wanted to have a threesome with two stallions.” Not what I was expecting, but not unwelcome. With a wave of my hand, I gave the unicorn my blessing to pick her quarry. What, did you think being burned alive would make me less of an ass? “You, bug duchess, truth or dare?”

“Truth, of course.” Deception was in her nature, so Chrysalis was likely to have picked the option anyway, regardless of random chance not taking sides in anything. My blue friend huffed a bit at the queen's teasing tone, but drew the Truth card without any fuss.

“What's your biggest turn-on?” A wicked grin crossed the insect's face as she understood her options, but something about her posture told me she was going to be brutally honest with her answer. Chrysalis tapped a chitinous hoof against her chin in mock thought. She cast me a glance, and I knew whatever she said was going to stick in my head for years to come. The broodmother leaned as close as she could to Trixie, but kept her voice as loud as possible without being overly rude.

“Oviposition.” For anyone that doesn't know, that was a scientific term that meant egg-laying, and fully fit her role a hivequeen. While I had to explain what that meant to Trixie, the effect was still present. I have never seen a pony looked embarrassed and disgusted at the same time, and there was no regret to be found. “So Lyra, truth or dare?”

$%$%$%$%$%$%
Extra – Of all the Rotten Luck.
Week three in Equestria

“So, every mare of sexual maturity is currently experiencing estrus?” I have no idea why, but talking about this with Lyra while eating breakfast was... odd.

“Yeah, but you don't have to worry, we don't really get all that wild until right at the end.” Lyra sipped her coffee, and couldn't help but eye me for a few moments, but I’m certain her very committed relationship would keep her from straying. “You'll probably just get propositioned a few times, but nothing too bad.”

“Oh, so no rape then.” That was a relief, but now I was pissed off at Jay and Big Mac for not warning me beforehand, they both hightailed it out of town before this hit.

“I never said that.” The teal mare looked at me seriously, as serious as her flushed face would allow, and I was actually feeling uneasy about being stuck in town. “On the last day, everypony kinda gets desperate, which is part of the reason single mothers are so common in Equestria.”

“So, I'm not even a pony, and I might get jumped while walking through a dark alley?” I've no idea why I would be in a dark alley in the first place, but I had to say it for my point's sake. Much to my displeasure, Lyra nodded.

“Yeah, but it'll be a while before it becomes much of a possibility.” Suddenly, drinking another mug of my sleep-aid and knocking out for a few hours seemed like a wonderful idea. Just as I was retrieving the gourd that house the bitter drink from the fridge, my green compatriot passed a note to me. “Berry Punch needs her cellar's AC unit fixed.”

“Short out again?” Half the time it was something she'd spilled into the damned thing, so I was almost certain she hired me because I was cheaper per hour than any babysitter. Yeah, she called me in to fix her shit, then left me with her kid for a while. Don't take it the wrong way, money was money, it just seemed irresponsible to leave Ruby with me.

“From what she says, somepony broke into it for the freon tank.” I will never understand how the ponies have refrigeration but no internal combustion engines. “They didn't take it, but there's a lot of damage.”

This left me with a dilemma. Should I go any make some cash, or stay home and sleep until noon? Yep, gonna go with money on this one.

“I'll be back in a few hours."

The Serial Killer with the Most Confirmed Kills Only Received Twenty-two Years in Prison

“You know I'm taking Dare.” Whether Lyra was taking that option out of desire for a juicy or fun challenge, or just to see someone ignore Truth, I have no idea. Queen Chrysalis picked up the card with her hoof and smiled in evil glee. The changeling flashed me a glance, and I knew right away that the card's challenge would be the night's highlight.

“You must slap the royal flank.” I would have done a spit-take if I'd been drinking, but there was still a level of shock and awe that would be considered obscene in polite company. As proof, the broodmother showed the text, where a stylized sun was drawn next to the order. A special condition stated that the person on the receiving end of the dare would be allowed help if needed. I volunteered on the spot, if only to see my teal friend slap Celestia's ass.

“Count me in!” Jay looked ready to go like I'd never seen. For a musician, he had a mean streak like you wouldn't believe, and that was coming from me. Trouble seemed to have a way of finding the flautist and myself, but we almost never had the chance to fuck with the ruler of a country.

“You can't be serious.” Twilight obviously couldn't believe that we were about to assault her mentor, so she clearly wasn't going to offer her assistance. Even as the three of us who were going to wreck Celestia's sleep were leaving, Trixie, Twilight, and Chrysalis were trying to hold us back. Or at least trying to keep Jay and I from helping Lyra, so they were being selfish and greedy about distributing the very limited resource of humanity.

“I'm super serial.” The teal unicorn flashed a grin as we went into the hall.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

Palace Canterlot was actually pretty well-guarded, ever since the changeling attack the guard patrols had been quadrupled in frequency. My bandages were an instantly recognizable identification for the guards, and they easily parted way for Equestria's first inquisitor and his associates. When we approached the doors to Celestia's bedchamber, a rather large and intimidating pair of guards blocked our passage with their spears. They were also completely silent and stoic, so fuck those guys. I was about to flash my fancy title, but a little green badass beat me to the punch.

“Do you have any idea who this guy is?” Lyra was using a method we had perfected while trying to avoid a fine back in Ponyville, which was a very long story that I'd rather not go into. The guards gave each other a look, but remained quiet about everything. I think the one on the right might have recognized me, but his partner didn't care in the least. A single glare from the big bruiser sent a shiver up my spine, but that might have just been an adrenaline spike.

“He could be the highest noble of Canterlot and we would still turn him away.” Oh, they want to play hard ball? I can fucking play hard ball. I looked to a passing patrol, and I was surprised to see it was being led by Bitter Springs, that one pony I almost ran over with Leviathan.

“You, guardsmen, arrest these two.” There was a bit of confusion, and the word of an inquisitor against honor guard troops only complicated things. My authority extended to all matters that concerned the changelings and well-being of the princesses, so it was easy to play it off as me being attentive.

“Let them in!” Princess Celestia was awake, and feeling better if her voice was anything to go by. The game likely came from her, so it was only justice for the pranks to come back and bite her in the ass. The two stoics looked between themselves, and opened the door to allow my posse and I to enter. Maybe they knew why we were here, and only tried to prevent their charge from being slapped. Like I said, fuck those guys.

“Good to see you again, Tia.” I smiled as best I could, while Lyra tried to act nonchalant about her task. Jay was just doing his thing, whatever that could rationally be described as.

“It's one in the morning, you better have a good reason for this.” I could see the bags under her eyes, she likely wouldn't be up to anything until the next day. I flashed the same grin I'd given before showing off earlier, just as my teal compatriot slipped around and outflanked the princess's field of vision.

“Oh, I have a very good reason for being here.” The alicorn looked at me, then Jay, and realized that something might have been wrong.

“Why is he filming this?” A green hoof raised behind the sleepy monarch, a firing pin that would ignite a massive cartridge.

SLAP

Needless to say, Lyra, Jay, and I ran away giggling like schoolgirls.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

“Okay, time to pack the game up!” The three of us were panting as we ran back into Chrysalis's room, and were surprised to see that the game had continued without us. Twilight had already gone again, and seemed to have taken Dare, so I missed out on seeing her do something stupid.

“Why?” The broodmother looked up at me, trying to figure out the reason behind the sudden change of heart. “Something go wrong?”

“More like something went horribly right.” Lyra held up her slightly-red hoof for the group to see, proof of the act that had transpired. Twilight looked at the appendage like the pope had seen his funny hat set ablaze, a stunned silence with a bit of anger brewing under the surface. I think I saw her eye twitch a bit, maybe a few wisps of smoke rise from her mane. A knock on the door sent us into a panic, and the golden aura that enveloped the knob only added to the pants-shitting level of terror that permeated the air.

Celestia ducked her head into the temporary apartment with a mischievous grin on her face. At this point, I was feeling that bit of dread people feel when going to court, and this I was on trial. With a small step back, I prepared to run into my own room, then out the window and into the streets. My retreat was halted by a golden wall of light, and the sudden revelation that the princess was much better off than I had anticipated.

“Couldn't you have at least invited me?”

$%$%$%$%$%$%
Extra – Bunker Buster
Week three in Equestria, a Monday

“Since when do bears attack air conditioning units?” I was speaking Berry Punch, the owner and proprietor of Ponyville's pub, who was currently in the throes of estrus along with every other female in town. I was glad that Ruby was with friends that had left a couple of days prior, otherwise there may have been a few too many questions asked.

“Like I said, probably after the freon tank.” Still couldn't get why they had refrigeration but no method of refining fuels. “I swear, ponies will try anything to cool off this time time of year.”

“I'm not quite sure things work that way.” I tried bending bits of copper piping together, and anyone that works with copper knows it is extremely malleable, so the task was rather easy. I used a wrench to re-inflate collapsed areas, and old-fashioned duct tape to seal the holes. There were indeed scratch marks on the coolant tank, so I was almost able to remove an equine as the culprit. Granted, there was some freaky shit unicorn magic could do, so phaseclaws weren't out of the question. Why the hell was I even thinking about that? I place a cover over the gaping hole in the unit's case, it would do until Berry could find the time to buy a replacement sheet

“That was fast.” The bar owner was correct, the whole thing had taken less than twenty minutes, but it could be attributed to Equestria's antiquated technology. Or it could be that I might have half-assed the repair job, but I'm not an actual AC technician. “Now maybe you can fix the settings in the cellar.”

“Sure thing.” Money was money, and wine cellars are pretty cool. I was suing her tools, and was payed by the hour, so I was getting the better end of the deal. We used her outdoor entrance, think of one of the cellar door you see on old farmhouses, and I almost banged my head against the ground/ceiling going down.

“It's right over here.” Berry pointed to a dusty hunk of junk that jutted in the underground storage area, its clogged vents and broken dials left me wondering why the unit hadn't given up the ghost. It took a few quick pokes and a blast of air, but everything was superficial and easy to fix. With my entire job done, the flushed mare hand(hoofed?) a bag of bits my way, along with a complimentary bottle for having out so early. With nothing more to do, I began my trip back to Lyra's for a mid-morning rest.

What did you think was going to happen?

Aristotle was the First to Describe What we Call "Bromance"

There were some things that Princess Celestia would never figure out about the humans that arrived in Equestria. From their odd mannerisms and unknowable intentions to their blatant disregard for convention and authority, nothing about them made any sense or provided a true glimpse at the species. The ancient immortal had seen many men and women from all walks of life and several hundred universes, but they all had something unique about them, some difference that made them stand out from the rest. Mages, warriors, thieves, cyborgs, everything you could imagine and more had found a way to Equestria and left just as quickly. The princess had experience with millions of pieces of human technology, and understood many of them completely, but one thing still eluded her.

“Why won't you start?” The alabaster alicorn was feeling much better after her rest, but not quite up to the task of moving much of anything besides the sun. This left her with quite the dilemma, because a certain human hadn't moved the gigantic war machine that rested in one of the palace's ceremonial halls. Leviathan had no key slot, and something had kept it running without any fuel for the past three-hundred years, so there was no reason for the titanic tank to stay dormant after she pressed the start button. “Why do you start for Taylor, but not me?”

“Because your pissing Leviathan off.”

$%$%$%$%$%$%

Really, how could she not see it? Leviathan is from the Warhammer universe, so it had a machine spirit like everything else made by humans. Well, maybe Celestia didn't know about it, but I have no doubt that the presence of an alien within its hull attributed to the vehicle's uncooperative attitude.

“What do you mean pissing Leviathan off? It's a tank, not a pony or animal.” The princess looked at me as I strolled to the instrument panel that that lined the front end of the beast's cab. I didn't answer her, it would do me no good. The machine spirit helped earlier because of my desperate situation and the chance to crush aliens beneath its mighty treads, but there would be no moving the Baneblade until it was appeased. Now the question of how on Earth did I go about making a tank feel better weighed my mind. Being human helped, certainly, but that did not make me a suitable substitute for Leviathan's old crew.

“The Hammer of the Emperor, the first line of defense for the Imperium against xenos and heretics alike.” Something thrummed beneath the metal, something I could pick up without effort. While I wasn't of the Adeptus Mechanicus, I did have an affinity with machinery. “I bet you've seen untold war, violence without end, unrivaled glory on the field of battle.”

“Are you talking to it?” The princess cocked her head, unable or unwilling to feel the machine spirit’s woe. The humming intensified, possibly angry that the xeno was allowed to speak. A bolter clinked as a fresh round was chambered, the spirit's only method of voicing its displeasure.

“Did charging into battle give you a rush? Were you angry that I left you here, alone against the tides of changelings?” The drumming life within the steel beast roared silently, answering me as it would a fellow Guardsman. I saw my opportunity. “Or were you only upset because you couldn't fight back, that you couldn't bring death upon them?”

“Are you feeling well?” Celestia only saw me talking to air, she could not feel the angry spirit that surrounded her, could not know the bond Leviathan shared with those that fought humanity's enemies. Though changelings wouldn't actually count as our foes, would they? “I think you should lie down.”

“While I cannot promise you a return to your brethren, I can give you purpose once more.” The machine's silent shouting and roaring focused into a single, all-encompassing string of sound without noise. Were I a sentimental man, I would have equated it to Gregorian monks singing a hymn by sharing a single, thunderously whispering voice. “If we get you out of this room, cleaned and repaired to the best of my abilities, then you and I shall lead the charges against my enemies.”

In something many would call impossible or miraculous, the v18 engine roared to life.

“Bullshit.” The white princess's eyes were wide with the realization that the tank was able to understand me, and that it didn't like her pushy attitude. I think Leviathan was just eager to get back into action, and its rudimentary control over its own propulsion allowed it to begin backing out the door. “This is completely impossible.”

“If you knew how many times I’ve said the same thing about Equestria, Tia, you would understand the irony of this situation.”

$%$%$%$%$%$%

“Wait, you figured out a spell that was completely unaffected by the human distortion field?” Chrysalis looked at the three unicorns in disbelief, unable to comprehend that they could use magic that had eluded changelings for millenia. Not that the insectoid equines were trying to create a weapon against the hyper-intelligent primates, they just felt it was better to have and not need.

“It was pretty easy, Starswirl the Bearded made it back in the day.” Lyra reclined in her chair, counting off some unknown quantity on nonexistent fingers. “The trouble came from the ritual itself.”

“Not really, just an hour of preparation and lots of energy.” Trixie recalled how exhausting the whole ordeal had been, but the end result put her name in a reputable journal of magical research. “The real trick would be turning a human into a pony.”

“Taylor turned down the offer.” Twilight remember him yelling about wanting to keep his thumbs. The lavender mare could easily see the advantage the digits granted, but that wouldn't have compared to the magic the teen would have received were he transformed into a unicorn. Technological prowess combined with arcane powers would have been a combination unlike anything Equus had seen in quite some time. “How would you like to participate, we could use a changeling to test it on.”

“I'm not sure transformative magic would mesh well with my disguising abilities.” Chrysalis knew quite a bit about magic feedback, and it was something she would rather avoid.

“Don't even offer the pony thing to me.” Jay was sitting with the motley crew, for some reason that he wasn't quite sure of himself. The was something else going to be said, that much was certain, but a noise from outside gathered their collective attention.

“Why are Celestia and Taylor riding on top of Leviathan?” Chrysalis was under the understanding that the bandaged human was the only one able to drive the war machine. It seemed she was wrong.

“Did they just pop a wheelie?”

$%$%$%$%$%$%
Extra – A Day in the Life of a Literal Killing Machine.
Three-hundred years standard years, eight standard months, sixteen days, twelve hours on unknown planet.

While it could not think, it was aware. It had a single purpose, it knew that as absolute fact, and it had been charged with protecting humanity's interest throughout a galaxy that knew only war. Between maintenance, caring for its crew, and fighting battle after bloody battle uncross untold worlds, the machine spirit had grown tired, but knew it could only rest when peace ruled. It saw every bit of carnage through its external cameras, it had seen the Warp Storm that had enveloped its entire regiment, and it most certainly had seen the jungle it crashed into.

After a long and bloody month of travel through dense flora, as well as any fauna too slow or stupid to get out of the way, every member of the Baneblade's crew was dead or too injured to pilot the massive death machine. Then the pony-xenos had appeared and spirited the vehicle and Imperial Guardsmen away to some stone fortress on a mountainside. For three-hundred odd years, the tank now called Leviathan had rested in darkness. A human that resembled a Krieg Korpsman had been the one to awaken the steel beast, though it was rather odd that a man who specialized in trench warfare would need such a weapon, the monster had not questioned it at the time.

Which brought things to today, and the primate mind found itself being ridden by the white pony-xenos and the Korpsman, both of whom were laughing and having fun. Was this the peace it so valiantly fought to create? Probably not, considering there were still aliens running about, but at least they were beneficial. But, those thoughts weren't for it to think-but-not-think, as there were still matters the Korpsman was wishing to address before the next battle. Maybe the colorful, peaceful world would allow the machine spirit to have the rest it desired. But it really wanted to crush some of those bug-pony-xenos it had seen a few days ago, they seemed like they'd crush good.

But nevermind that, it was wheelie time!

Samsung Actually Makes the iPhone's Processor

It turns out Celestia keeps a stock of records for her private collection. While Frank Sinatra wasn't my first choice for work music, I can't argue with a classic voice like his. I think Leviathan liked the music, the machine spirit thrummed aloud to Sinatra's cadence like a soldier's marching feet. Washing the tank was a task best undertaken in a group, but it had a slight aversion for the ponies, so I was stuck by my lonesome, with nothing more than an ancient spirit and a phonograph for company. Cleaning the massive war machine was only half of my job, repairing the broken lascannon was still a major concern.

In case you didn't know, Baneblades are pretty big, so the bath took well over four hours. The excessive time was mostly my attention to detail, which was augmented by my fascination with Leviathan's many battlescars. A thick layer of dirt and grime obscured the winterized camouflage used by its original regiment, cleaning away the filth revealed the beautiful pattern and the array of gouges and rips that marred the paint. In my professional opinion, my mechanical ally had seen some shit.

I climbed to the broken lascannon power cable, which was about as thick as my arm. Other than its huge size and tremendous capacity, it wasn't that different from a normal cord. Still, it was hooked up to a fucking anti-armor laser cannon, so that made things way more awesome than what most people fixing wires usually deal with. While soldering copper ends of a broken wire was easy for appliances, the use of a torch was needed to melt the thick bands of metal that conducted the weapon's energy. If repairing such a relatively simple trauma was this difficult, then the gouge Chrysalis's magic left on the hull would be staying for a quite some time.

“Aren't ya gettin' hungry?” I looked up to see Applejack standing near one of my worktables, which was odd, because the two of us never really saw eye to eye. I gave the farmer a tired smile and silently wondered how she knew where to find me.

“I'll be heading back up in time for dinner, don't worry.” The orange pony gave me a confused look. I had no idea why, of course, because I'd been inside the makeshift garage fro the past four hours, but there was just something a bit strange about her questioning gaze.

“Taylor, it's five in the morning, ya've been down 'ere since lunch yesterday.” Huh, that actually made sense. There wasn't a clock in the impromptu workshop, so I could have been in there for days without noticing. Still, you'd think I would have gotten tired by then.

“Maybe I should lie down before I do anything else.” So long as I have something to do, I don't get physically tired. Mental exhaustion is still a problem, though, because I've always had the habit of using my head way too much. If you're having trouble understanding how I was feeling, imagine doing something, then having your head filled with lint or some similar fluff.

“Ah think ya should.”

$%$%$%$%$%$%

Rainbow Dash was getting restless. Being cooped up in Canterlot Castle wasn't good for the chromatic pegasus, and cabin fever was starting to set in. While being in Equestria's capital hadn't been unpleasant in itself, the athlete just couldn't find anything to do in the high-class city. Sure, Cloudsdale had its own social hierarchy, but that revolved entirely around pegasi; here in Canterlot, unicorns had the top rung on the ladder. Not that all the magic in Equestria had stopped the changeling invasion, the equally-unusual humans had done most of the heavy lifting.

Why didn't she like to think about the hyper-intelligent apes? Jay had called her a rapist during their first meeting, right in front of the Cutie Mark Crusaders, and the other one was just an asshole. At least she could poke fun at their fear of heights, which the polychromatic mare never quite understood. If they were some kind of monkey, wouldn't they like being in trees and stuff? Maybe all humans were scared to climb things, but their hands were perfect for it, so why didn't they use them like they should?

“Humans are weird.” Yes, that was her final decision. She could easily work alongside them if need be, but she wouldn't make the first move into actual friendship unless one of them changed his act.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

Have I mentioned that the castle is tough to navigate? Oh, I have? Well, now its worse, maybe they moved the walls. Or I could be really, really tired. Yeah, maybe missing a meal had a negative impact on my blood sugar level, or maybe it was sleep deprivation. I really had no idea. I could find my way back to the tower I was staying in, but that was the extent of my cognitive abilities at the moment. After getting to the floor my suite was on, I had to think about which door my room was behind. One would reveal my waiting bed, the other would have a sleeping changeling queen. I remember the last time I had to pick between two doors, and I took left then, so my luck was out for that option.

I opened the right-hand door, and saw the room's layout. It was familiar, so I must have chosen the correct option. Ever been so lazy you just strip as you walk? Just kick your shoes off, let your pants hit the floor, toss your shirt wherever it fucking wants to go? Yeah, I could tell I was going to enjoy sleeping for twelve or so hours. I was so hyped for knocking out that I didn't even wonder why none of the guestrooms at the castle locked. Were I energetic, I would have jumped onto the waiting mattress, but I had to settle for an exhausted flop.

“Taylor?” A very familiar voice came from under a lump I hadn't noticed in the dark. By the time my eyes had adjusted, I could plainly see Chrysalis's face, complete with confused and tired look. While I wasn't certain changelings needed sleep, the broodmother looked like she could use it.

“I'm too tired to move, go to my room if you want privacy.” I crawled under the blankets and settled into a comfortable position. “The door doesn't lock.”

“Maybe you shouldn't stay up so long, you sound a little agitated.” The hivequeen gave me a sympathetic look, and I started getting angry. If there was one thing I couldn't take, it was pity from someone who has no right to look down on me. But, for the sake of good relations, I bit my tongue. I mustered every bit of niceness I could, but I think the effort was worth it.

“Chrissy, shut the fuck up and go to sleep.”

$%$%$%$%$%$%
Extra – The Game of Blame
Day six in Equestrian society.

Jay was adjusting somewhat well, but being surrounded by ponies was a bit startling. It was unlikely he would mellow out in the foreseeable future, so he was just winging it. He didn't know why, but somehow, the Cutie Mark Crusaders had decided the mythical beast would be able to help them get their magical tramp stamps. It may had something to do with him throwing a bucketful of muddy water on Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. He was about to ask the girls to leave him alone, in a polite way of course, when something slammed into him from above.

“What in Equestria are you?” A very familiar pony was holding the teenage human down, one that many people viewed as best pony. Rainbow Dash was popular, but there was something about her that just asked for shit to come her way.

“Help! She's trying to rape me!” Did Jay know he was making a scene? Did he know that there was something morally wrong about accusing a national hero of being a sexual predator. The answer was the same for both.

“What? Stop lying!” Dash didn't really know what to do, but getting away never crossed her mind. The polychromatic mare was stumped, but she could always resort to her old flight camp tactics. “Shut up!”

“Run children, before she takes you to her rape dungeon!” Jay would enjoy his day, for it was glorious. In fact, the flautist was having so much fun, a new word was forged in the fires of English grammar that fateful afternoon. He would go down in history as a pioneer and adventurer, loved by women and envied by men.

For Jay was the first to ever experience the giggleshits.

Albert Einstein's Last Words are Lost to History Because he Spoke Them in German, and his Attending Nurse Couldn't Understand him

I slept for about seven hours, which was pretty good for me. Unfortunately, I hadn't been nearly lucid enough to understand how bad things would be when I woke up. No matter how much sleep I got, I was going to look like I was recovering from a rough night. Add my strewn-about clothes and insectoid bed-buddy to the mix, and shit got real. My only consolation was seeing Cadence's face when she saw Chrysalis and I both look up when she opened the door. The room didn't even smell like sex, but seeing a possibly naked me and a seductress together, with both of us looking disheveled and tired, it would be hard for anyone not to connect dots that didn't exist.

“Why didn't you try and get me up sooner?” A better question would be why Cadence was back from her honeymoon so soon, but that would be tasteless. The queen was strangely calm around the pink princess, maybe she was trying to fake the relaxation people get after a good night. If that was the case, I hope she stops.

“Well, Princess Celestia thought it would be a good idea for me to get to know you on friendly terms.” Right, Princess of Love and all that. While I was glad to see the real Cadence wasn't a permabitch, I couldn't help but think she was easy to manipulate. I had no doubt in my mind that Tia had actually sent the young alicorn to be sure Chrysalis hadn't escaped into the night. “And I needed to see how Taylor was feeling.”

“Yeah, that would have been good to do about three days ago.” You have any idea how awkward it is to dress in front of someone who was pretty sure you slept with the person that tried to kill her? The pretty pink pony looked shocked at my rudeness, but leave it to the changeling queen to help with everything she didn't need to fuck with.

“Sorry, he's just grumpy.” I think she realized how bad that actually sounded immediately after the words left her mouth, because her expression only had one meaning across the multiverse. Cadence looked a little red at the implications, but she kind of asked for it. I think she was still trying to wrap her head around the fact that Chrysalis and I were on good terms, considering I tried to burn her to death. Not to mention the fact that I destroyed priceless artifacts and nearly died in the process.

“I am not.” I gave my best impression of a child, complete with the whiny tone and slight drawl of an eight year old. The two females lost their previous tension and giggled at my joke, so progress was made on that front. Actually, Chrysalis wouldn't have any trouble being nice to Cadence. The inverse would be a bit more difficult, but the pink alicorn wouldn't present the same challenge as Shining Armor. “But, on a serious note, what are you doing back so soon?”

“Scheduling needed us both back home.” Right, the relief efforts and such. Despite the necessity, the pink princess didn't seem to enjoy her honeymoon being cut short.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

Trixie was always accustomed to doing things by herself. While the showmare's occupation required an audience, she managed to fulfill the stagehand obligations alone. Her show also sucked, by all accounts, but was beside the point. At the moment, the blue unicorn was working with somepony many would consider to be her rival: Twilight Sparkle. There wasn't any sort of conflict between the two; the Element of Magic had handed Trixie's flank back to her on a silver platter.

What was it that had them working side by side? Studying, of course! The pair had broken into the Royal Canterlot Library, because Twilight thought it would be fun to pretend it was illegal for them to be there. It was, but the lavender mare had taken things a little too far. Trixie still wasn't quite sure why the Element had a pair of latex bodysuits on her, but hanging around Ponyville had taught her not to question things involving Twilight and her friends.

“What is it we're looking for, again?” The blue showmare was really hoping to get a straight answer this time, but she knew she wouldn't, if any of her previous attempts were anything to go by. While Trixie had a rough idea from every book Twilight pulled from the shelves, it wasn't enough to form a complete picture. Everything from bestiaries and biology texts to sociological guides and history books were piled onto one of the libraries many tables.

“Taylor reported all of his findings to Princess Celestia, and that includes references to another human called the Deceiver. You and I are going to try and build a model of human society that factors in evolutionary quirks and tries to make sense of the techno-warrior-priest culture the Deceiver seems to have come from in an attempt to understand the his prophecies to the changelings and how they might come to pass.”

“How did you say that in one breath?” Trixie pondered that Twilight's lungs must have taken up most of her trunk in order to hold that much air, but understood that equine biology would never allow such a mutant to reach maturity.

“Practice.” The lavender mare said that like it was a good answer, but the street magician had no choice but to continue working with her. The Element had the most experience when it came to research; Trixie hadn't received any schooling beyond what was required of Equestrians. That didn't stop the Lulamoon from giving Twilight a flat look. “Oh, come on, think of it like a science project.”

“Wouldn't it be easier to just ask Chrysalis about the Deceiver directly?” Much to Trixie's dismay, the lavender unicorn shook her head. Then, in the finest show of mixed signal the world had ever seen, she nodded like a great idea was slowly forming in her head.

“She is the only one here that's actually seen anything the Deceiver brought to Equestria.” Twilight had no idea how close she was to getting bitch slapped, but Trixie kept her foreleg firmly on the ground. “Good idea! We have no time to waste!” In a rush of scholarly obsession the Element of Magic displayed only once per season, the purple pony slammed into the door.

For such a smart mare, one would think she'd remember that particular door opened inward.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

Jay was occupying himself by testing his newest creation. For such a destructive device, his upgraded flamer was surprisingly lightweight and easy to use. The gas-mask wearing teen narrowed his eyes at a griffon target about sixty feet from him; this would be the ultimate test of heat output and range. The flautist leveled the nozzle at the fake bird-lion, beaming a hidden smile the entire time he aimed. With the flick of a switch, the flamethrower's pilot light set its inextinguishable flame. Jay moved his trigger hand slowly to the squeeze-release, which would send an gout of fire over the distance and hopefully burn the pseudo-griffon in its armor.

Fwoom!

Like a work of art, the fire reached the faraway target, its angry tendril snaked effortlessly around and through its metal shell. The cotton-filled dummy went up in record time, the flame's intense heat burning through its leather harness even after the human ceased his assault. It fact, it was hot enough to fell at this distance, so much so that Jay was slightly worried his clothes might catch.

“Oh shit, why is the armor melting?” Indeed, the alloys that comprised the shell were made molten under the mighty flame. It would have been awesome if the sparse grass and the actual fucking dirt hadn't combusted like they did. Yep, time to get help.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

After such a day, it was easy for me to return to my workshop and relax. With nothing to do but finish what little maintenance was required to get Leviathan combat ready, there wasn't much to keep me occupied. In fact, there was nothing more I could do for its armor, so I would need to actually climb into the massive war machine to stay busy. If I recall correctly, there were a few instruments that I needed to recalibrate. The Baneblade's machine spirit was more than willing to cooperate with me, there was no doubt that it was just happy to be back in use.

Leviathan thrummed along with the music as I went about my work. While I wasn't a techpriest by any means, the steel beast wasn't complaining. The spirit's humming and silent noise was my guide for what needed to be fixed, but the work was surprisingly sparse. Those guys on Mars sure knew how to build these things to last. With each passing repair session, I could almost feel the tank and I attuning to one another, enough that I could almost understand how the animalistic spirit felt about certain things. When the happy thrumming became an angry blare of static, I knew something was wrong.

“Taylor?” You'd think Leviathan would have gotten used to her by now, but the xenophobic war machine remained firm in its hatred. At least the Baneblade wasn't actively trying to kill the queen, which probably meant it knew how useful she was.

“Need something?”

$%$%$%$%$%$%
Extra – By the Emperor!
Present Day

There was the calming music again, that meant the Korpsman was back. While inexperienced, he surpassed many of the mechanics that had cared for the armored killing machine, if only because he took the time to ponder its emotional well-being in addition to the physical shell. If this was how things would be, then Leviathan had no complaints about its future on the uncharted planet. The battle could be a bit more frequent, but maintenance came first and foremost. Only on thing kept the machine spirit from actually relaxing: the rampant xenos infestation. While the Korpsman seemed fine with the aliens, it went against everything the Imperium stood for.

Speak of the Dark Gods and their servants seem to appear, because the bug-xeno from before was back. The massive tank did its best to maintain its composure as the overgrown insect flew onto it shell. Leviathan didn't even act when Chrysalis – it knew her name all too well – stuck her head into its cabin and called the Korpsman by his given name. At least the two were friendly enough, though the fighting machine still wanted bloodshed, it knew the Korpsman would lead it into battle soon enough. The two conversed for a few minutes, nothing important enough for the machine spirit to devote too much effort into eavesdropping. Wait. What were they doing? It appeared to be a hug, but there was something that felt unusual about the contact. The Baneblade focused intently on the human to find any sign of distress, and would have continued to monitor his vitals were it not for a rapidly growing development.

Oh what the fuck, Korpsman!?

A Man on his Deathbed Confessed to Murder, Only to Make a Miraculous Recovery. He Will Now Serve the Remainder of His Natural Life Behind Bars.

“Need something?” It wasn't often Chrysalis I got visitors in my workshop, partly because I had only started using the place about two days ago. The insectoid mare also never seemed too keen on being around the Baneblade, especially after I told her the feeling was mutual.

“I need a favor.” I could tell exactly what she wanted, and she wouldn't owe me after I gave my assistance. Upon seeing the unspoken signal, a small smile came across the dethroned queen's face. We closed the distance that separated us, and both of us were thankful that we were almost the same height. Chrysalis rested her head on my shoulder, giving me a faceful of her mane. I ran my fingers through the strands, quite pleased with its gossamer texture. Leviathan was confused by the action, if its now-offbeat thrumming was any indication.

Chrysalis nuzzled against my cheek as one of my finger grazed the base of her horn. It was a good thing she wasn't wearing that crown thing; I never liked that piece of jewelery. It looked to much like part of her for my comfort. Despite my time in Equestria, I haven't figured out what unicorn horns are made of, but it was obvious that changeling horns were just extra chitin wrapped around the core. After a few seconds of embracing the queen, my hand found its way to the iron shackle firmly wrapped around her horn's midsection, that little place here it curved.

Right as I turned the knob to release some of her trapped magic, Leviathan got pissed.

You'd almost think Chrysalis and I were having sex inside the steel beast.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

“Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit!” Jay and several guards were trying to extinguish the fire, but had made little progress. While the inferno was contained by the stone walls, anything that came too close was either melted or incinerated. Water was worthless against the intense furnace, and magic had to be used after they'd exhausted the castle's supply of buckets. The flautist had ordered the kitchen's fire extinguisher, but the chemical spray had only stoked the flames higher.

“What did you do!?” Luna stuck her head out her window and yelled at the teenager, firmly believing he was responsible for the huge fire. Th alicorn didn't wait for an answer as she flew to the human's side.

“I didn't mean to!” Jay tossed a large block of ice into the inferno, only for it to melt far too soon. Princess Luna used her magic too gather a truckload of unburned dirt from the surrounding area and drop it onto the free-range furnace.

“Was that so hard?” The dark blue alicorn looked a little smug as she took in her work. Where a human and twelve guards had failed to preserve the castle, she had swooped in and saved the day. That was until the dirt she used to extinguish the inferno caught fire. She took one look at the blaze before she glared at the teenager. “How did you do this?”

“I don't know, just make it stop!”

$%$%$%$%$%$%

“And so it only makes sense for the Deceiver to have taught the changelings stealth and assassination.” Twilight was reviewing her and Trixie's findings, searching for any real lead about what the ancient human had brought to Equus so long ago. The lavender mare had written several pages of speculated information, with her blue counterpart rivaling the number. “But would that mean he had access to armor that bent light around him as a sort of adaptive camouflage?”

“Considering such a thing contradicts physic as we know it, I highly doubt it.” The former street magician knew a lot about science; she was bound to pick it up by hanging around the human that slightly broke reality. “But, Chrysalis did claim he had the aid of magic.”

“Then I'll put that as a maybe, and we're done.” The abrupt end to work was somewhat odd, but still warranted, given the fact they had been working for four hours without taking a break. Twilight neatly stacked her notes while Trixie just let them lay where they were. “We can start back up tomorrow, it's almost dinnertime anyway.”

“Yeah.” The former magician could feel stress leave her limbs and mind as she walked with Twilight, something she would have never seen herself doing a year ago. “I wonder why the princess didn't have Taylor work on this.”

“Something about his view being subjective, because it was possible he would know where the items came from but choose to lead us away.” The lavender unicorn understood the reasoning behind the human's possible motives for the theoretical betrayal, it was likely the Deceiver had access to technology on par with Taylor's FTL technology, if not farther along. While some would have thought the amount of preparation that went into the project was ludicrous, it was all Princess Celestia could do in the odd event the ancient human had become immortal. “The last thing we need is botched research.”

“Understandable.” Trixie was almost offended by her friend's casual dismissal of the human's judgment; it wasn't like the teen hadn't done more than most ponies or anything like that. “Though, what we are doing is arguably more analogous to speculation.” The two unicorns pushed open the pair of large doors that lead to the outside, only to be greeted by a raging inferno on the courtyard’s opposite end. Twilight would have said something had Celestia's voice not called from a balcony.

“What is going on out here?”

$%$%$%$%$%$%

Pick one thing to do before you die. Go on, I'll wait. Done? Good, now watch me top that. Princess Celestia sent a message to me, claiming to need my help with a threat to the castle. My first response? Getting my Baneblade ready for battle, and the massive beast was only too happy to oblige. With Chrysalis manning (ponying?) the lascannons, I felt we were ready to rock. Only upon arriving to the one of the castle's courtyards did I learn that I was being called to extinguish a fire.

That's right, I was using a motherfucking tank to put out a raging inferno that melted most conventional metals within seconds. Yeah, I think I had this in the bag. The tank's Mega Battle Cannon seemed too overpowered for this purpose, so the Demolisher Cannon would have to suffice. For reference, a Demolisher Cannon is essentially an anti-building artillery gun mounted on a Baneblade's front.

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Chrysalis seemed genuinely concerned about the possible ramifications of using a bomb designed to tear steel like it was tissue paper. I shot the broodmother a grin as I entered the firing seat, complete with a thumbs up for good measure.

“Trust me, I'm a professional.”

$%$%$%$%$%$%
Extra – Grim Darkness (aka the obligatory 40k bit)
Kronus, four days into the Dark Crusade, at the border of Ork and Chaos territory.

A massive explosion ripped through the Chaos ranks as a semi-cloaked Baneblade fired its main gun. The Leviathan had been brought into battle against the Ruinous Powers for the first time in centuries, all thanks to the Korpsman. Said pseudo-guardsman was currently outside the steel beast, content with using his own weapons to fight any cultists that came too close to the tank. A stolen chainsword and bolt pistol hardly seemed like a decent arsenal, but it was all he had access to while defending the Valkyrie's Flight.

“Blood for the Blood God!” The battle-cry was recognized by the teen almost instantly; berserkers were on their way, and could obviously see him standing in the clearing. A full squad of eight Chaos Marines charged from the woodwork, eager to spill the blood of one they deemed somewhat worthy. To Taylor's credit, he was too stubborn to run when it was obvious that the odds were more than against him. Black scythes emerged from the ground as their shrieking owners crawled from their burrows, the modified changelings tore into the ceramite armor with a little more trouble than the average hormagaunt.

Taylor leveled his pistols sights at one of the berserkers, obviously the group's unofficial leader, and cracked off a shot. It served to piss off the warrior enough for him to charge right into the Baneblade's line of sight, where its gunner was waiting to fire. Just as the high-explosive round destroyed the Chaos Marine, a horrifying sound breached the air. It was almost enough for the remaining seven traitors to stop fighting the changeling rippers, almost. The Korpsman turned to its source, and nearly shat his black armor.

There was a green tide rapidly advancing on his position.

I Wrote the Entirety of This While Suffering Food Poisoning

You know, I've learned some things about myself since coming to Equestria. Most of them involved sex or violence, sometimes both, but that was beside the point. Of the few things that weren't perverse or illegal in nature, my astounding ability to operate a Baneblade without any prior knowledge on how to drive a tank, much less one from another universe, was quite surprising. Trust me, I wasn't about to complain about something that kicked this much ass on a regular basis. I still never thought I'd be using what was essentially a mobile artillery gun to put out a fire, so there was still that bridge to burn.

“You're going to kill someone.” I would have to thank Chrysalis for her support later, because I was too busy loading the Demolisher Cannon to care about her opinion. The high explosive round would deliver enough pressure to extinguish the flames, or, given the odd effects Jay's maladjusted invention displayed, might send burning shrapnel all over Canterlot and the area around the mountain. I still liked my odds.

“Everyone back the fuck up, I got this.” I loved the loudspeaker built into Leviathan's console, something about being able to shout at people from within a gigantic monster was oddly satisfying. I climbed into the Demolisher Cannon's gunner seat and adjusted the barrel to point at the inferno's center, my finger hovered over the firing button until everyone was at a safe distance of two hundred meters. I was just glad the shell came with a warning on it, though it was written in a condescending manner. With my final preparations and safety check complete, I pressed the red button.

Oddly enough, I did not hear anything, just felt a powerful vibration running through the tank's chassis. The viewscreens either filled with static or displayed nothing but black, so the explosive obviously put a lot of dirt into the air. If the heavy shaking I was feeling were any indicator, the fire was probably out, and I may have caused part of the mountain to collapse. One of the static-filled screens flickered to life, but only showed a blank slate of reddish orange.

“Did it work?” Chrysalis looked up from her lascannon controls, her mane slightly askew from the day's stress. Her green eyes locked on the glowing screen as the blank color started to shift, but something seemed a bit... off about it in my opinion. Another vibration shook Leviathan hard enough to knock the changeling over, and annoy me. “What's going on out there?”

“I think I know what was wrong with that fire.” The realization came upon me slowly, but surely. The flames contradictory in nature, hot enough to melt steel and burn soil but strangely impotent against stone. It was almost as though the inferno chose what it would destroy, almost like it had a mind of its own. I knew how preposterous that was, but there microphones that beeped to life blared pained roars that gave me all the information I needed.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

Jay had seen some shit. Apparently, applying australium to his newest flamethrower wasn't the best idea, if the massive Human Torch lookalike was anything to go by. The flaming titan roared its anger at the Baneblade, royally wrathful after its relative slumber was disturbed.

“Guardsponies, to arms!” Luna raised her hoof at the burning monstrosity, even as Leviathan fired a lascannon bolt at the elemental. Various guards readied their magic and weapons as the beast whirled an arm around like a flaming whip. Taylor piloted his tank with surprising skill as he dodged the slashing limb in time to open fire with his frontal bolter turrets. Something told Jay a Baneblade shouldn't be that agile, but he ignored that thought because of the sixty-foot tall monster he had inadvertently summoned from the fiery pits of hell. “You mind explaining what that is?”

“A fire elemental?” Jay's jaw dropped as bolts of magic fizzled from existence as they hit the living inferno's immaterial body. It was strange that arcane energy was ineffective, given the strange nature inherent in an elemental, even stranger was the odd fact that physical weapons were fairly powerful against the massive flame.

“Any ideas on how to fight it?” When did Shining Armor get there? The flautist didn't really question it, but seeing the captain was still surprising given the stallion's earlier absence. The teenager shrugged at his friend, completely stumped about how to combat the primordial creature. However, in that moment, a thought struck him from left field.

“How about a fire extinguisher?” Jay's idea was good, really good, with a solid foundation in logic and reason.

“Private Enamel threw it into the blaze.” Shining Armor looked at the element-based monster in anger, the primeval foundation of life seethed with unnatural energy every time it moved even slightly. “She's new.”

“I can tell.” A loud bang from below caught their attention. Leviathan fired its Mega Battle Cannon, but the shell was very different from it predecessors. A cloud of choking, black smoke erupted from the point of impact, right in the inferno's chest. Whatever the obscuring haze contained seemed to suppress the burning of oxygen, a quality given light as the monstrosity's flames flickered and dimmed.

“Come on, cap that bitch!” It was shocking to hear Luna yell that, but ever so awesome. The living furnace howled in pain, or whatever analog it could feel, and demonstrated an ability it hadn't shown before then. In a display of raw anger, the primordial flame lifted the massive tank from the ground, and threw it into the castle walls.

Unbeknownst to most onlookers, Princess Celestia already had a plan to defeat the unnaturally selected creature. The alabaster alicorn gave the elemental an almost predatory smile as her magic enveloped one of the castle's fallen towers. As she lifted the structure, ready to crush the discordant monster into the dust, a great one-liner popped into her head.

“Hier kommt die Sonne.”

$%$%$%$%$%$%

That was awesome! You guys should have been there, really, I have never seen anything so incredible in my life. I was coming off my adrenaline trip even as Celestia pulled Leviathan from the castle's wall, my hands were shaking out of excitement I had rarely felt. The Baneblade touched down in the courtyard, and Chrysalis and I scrambled out the tank's hatch to breathe fresh air once more.

“When I asked you to help, I didn't mean release a monster.” The alabaster princess may have disagreed with my methodology, but she knew I got results. Even though she technically killed the elemental, I was taking the credit for the smoke round that gave her the idea.

“Tia, relax, it's not like anyone got hurt.” I could have been wrong, not that I would admit it. The alicorn looked flustered at my prideful attitude, but that was just how I was after a battle.

“Loose tongues often end up in tight places, Taylor.” Okay, I get it, she doesn't like me running my mouth all the time, but Celestia should expect that of me. The princess looked at me with a hint of anger, but she was also visibly glad for the small skirmish to be over. Maybe it was the stress of the day, maybe it was my dwindling adrenaline supply, who knows, all that matters is that I started laughing. I mean the good laugh you need after shit pops off, you know the kind I'm talking about.

“Let's get indoors, the weather teams will be here to drench the place soon.” Luna was walking towards Leviathan even before she finished her sentence. The Baneblade was not amused, at least I think it wasn't, but leveling its main gun at the princess was a big hint. “Shotgun!” Apparently, Luna was certain the machine spirit found something fundamentally wrong with harming ponies.

“What am I going to do with that filly?” Celestia was a good older sister, that much was obvious to me, but there were just some things siblings could not deal with. This was why I cut all ties with my own younger brother long before the events that brought me to Equestria, too much bullshit that I wanted no part in. Despite the open-ended question, there was no followup, and everyone went their separate ways. When I climbed into Leviathan to move it out of the weather, I was slightly annoyed to see Luna sitting in my chair.

“In case you didn't know, that's the pilot's seat.” Luna only looked at me with a smile, so she was totally over me puking on her a week ago. I miss my old hat that I only had for a couple of hours before giving it to her in apology, but there was nothing I could do about it.

“I know.” I was in no mood for her shit, my slight adrenaline rush was leaving me irritable and jittery; all my classic withdrawal symptoms. The dark blue princess giggled at my reddening face, completely fine with pissing me off in my own vehicle. At least Leviathan wouldn't work for her unless I gave the okay, and probably not even then. “I just wanted to see how you drive this thing.”

“Luna, now is not the time.” Couldn't she see my chemical deficiency? I'll admit that I'm an epinephrin junkie, even though I don't like taking risks, but you just don't mess with a guy just coming off his latest fix. Doing that was almost as dangerous as fucking with me when I've been drinking. The alicorn smiled even wider, a sign that should probably just leave the tank in the rain.

“I heard you were playing Tia's version of Truth or Dare, why didn't you invite me?” Luna teleported in front of me, leaving only about eight inches between the two of us. I was about to answer her question honestly, that I had no part in deciding who was inviting to my temporary torture session, but the princess clamped a hoof over my mouth. “Oh no, don't answer.”

My flat look only provoked another giggle form the smaller alicorn, much to my rapidly rising anger. Her smile grew wider, bordering on insanity in size, and she leaned in closer to my face. Then she vanished in a flash of magic, leaving me stumped as Chrysalis climbed into the cab. I turned to the broodmother with only one question in mind.

“What the actual fuck just happened?”

Well, that was... odd

It's white, almost blindingly so. There was no floor, no sky, no discernible horizon of any sort in this infinite, sterile void. But there was anxiety, so deeply driving into the very core of my being, but there was no true cause I can see. It was almost as though something very old was staring down at me, ancient and wise, like it was several times Celestia's age. I started walking forward, or at least what I best determined to be forward at the time, by boots clacked on the nonexistent floor as though it was made of marble. It seemed like an eternity of walking in the endless expanse until I found something in the far distance.

The first glimpse I caught of it left everything to the imagination. From my point of view, it looked almost human, but I could only see its body. As I neared the statue, I began to notice some things that were a bit... off, to say the least. Everything below the neckline had smooth, elegant curves that resembled fiberless muscle as much as body armor, and the entire body was so black it seemed to absorb light from the surrounding void.

Then there was the face. Something was so fundamentally wrong about it, that I felt a creeping fear rising into my heart. There were no eyes, no mouth, and the nose was just a lump on the front of the porcelain countenance. My anxiety turned into an almost blinding ache in my chest as I looked at the flawless, mirror-smooth surface that was the statue's face. From the side, it didn't look so menacing, but there was that ever-present feeling of something ancient looking down at me from on high. Something was definitely getting to me about this damned thing.

Something made abundantly clear when it turned to face me.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

My eyes shot open fast enough for my room's negligible to blind me, which was way to similar to my dream. A nightmare seemed a more appropriate description for that faceless abomination of a statue. Something about it was both terrible and beautiful, a horrifying parody of humanity that permeated its being. Either way, whatever the thing was seemed to be enough to scare me awake, complete with a cold sweat and pounding heart. I was lucky to not have woken Chrysalis or Trixie with all my fidgeting, but the large bed had more than enough wiggle room for the three of us.

I dressed quickly, no sense in trying to get back to sleep after something like that, and made my ay to the dining hall for something to eat. I cast only a glance to the snoozing mares before setting out, hoping Celestia or Luna would be awake enough to provide some sort of hint to my mystery's conclusion. That thing from my nightmare was too perfectly human to be anything but, yet it fit the bill enough to be almost insulting in design.

“Your nose is bleeding.” Twilight's voice made me jump, but only because she was slightly out of my field of vision, hidden by the library's door. Have I mentioned the castle is tough to navigate when you're tired? My hand went to my face, only to come back red. I was indeed bleeding, but not enough to notice the wetness running down my face. “You're up early.”

“Yeah, had the urge to move.” I knew she would be familiar with my meaning, she had plenty of experience dealing with my quirks while I worked under her. Sometimes I would wake up late at night, or early in the morning, and just needed to walk around or something. “You seen either princess yet?”

“Luna is still holding court, and Celestia hasn't woken up yet.” Damn, that meant it was about three in morning, which meant I was sleeping for less than two hours. Funny thing about alicorn sleep patterns, it was tough to gauge when both princesses were awake, given that Celestia didn't get to sleep until well into the night and Luna didn't rise until a little after noon. The fact that they both functioned when receiving less sleep than I did was almost miraculous, but the wonder was significantly lessened by taking their biology into account.

“Well, I guess it's either interrupt the Night Court, or bother Tia in bed.” Twilight only rolled her eyes, knowing fully that I would do what I wished and nothing she could say would sway me. Given my odd predicament with the faceless statue, I could safely say that I may be spending a few sleepless nights in this very library, hammering away at knowledge until something clicked. “Off to the Night Court it is, then.”

$%$%$%$%$%$%

“And you, sir, are an ass.” Jay was being fancy as hell, talking to the blue blood before him. While he was awake at three in the morning, he wasn't tired in the least, having recently discovered Equestria's premiere energy drinks. With that in mind, it was easy to see why he was bitching out Prince Blueblood. It all started when the stallion stepped on the teen's shoes, then refused to apologize.

“You uncouth filth, take that back!” The Aryan stallion was outraged at the ape's reference to him being a donkey, such a dirty creature could never compare to him. While the guards were stiffening in their place as they readied themselves for the spoiled prince to sic them in the human, Taylor made his entrance. The inquisitor took immediate notice of the bickered males, but made a beeline for Princess Luna, who was currently enjoying a bag of popcorn as the show carried on. “You've insulted my honor for the last time!”

“You're implying you had honor to begin with.” All eyes turned to Jay, even his fellow man's, as a pin could have been heard around the castle. Nopony had ever called out Blueblood like that, if only for his authority over the guards. The stallion sputtered for a few seconds, only for a very deep laugh to interrupt him as he got his wits together. The angry pony looked to the source, only to immediately turned away as he saw the larger human mocking him.

“You. Me. Swords at dawn.” The prince tried to sound intimidating, if only to try and bully the smaller male into backing down. For Blueblood, Jay seemed like an easy target, far batter to attack than Taylor. Even if the flautist had done more to save Canterlot than the bigger teenager, there was a certain level of insanity that the tanker just seemed to take to extremes. Both the teen and stallion looked to the incumbent monarch for approval.

“I'll allow it, the zebra ambassadors need plenty of entertainment for tomorrow's negotiations.” Princess Luna gave precisely zero fucks about the duel, but she was excitedly looking forward to seeing her pompous distant relative eat his worthless and unwarranted pride. “In fact, we'll go to third blood.” That meant the winner would be the first person to injure their opponent three times, but the alicorn was banking on the unicorn backing off when Jay pulled some fiery wizard stuff out of nowhere. She knew the human had the tendency to do that.

Still, blood sport was hard to come by in the modern day.

$%$%$%$%$%$%
Extra – Blue Space Commies (aka the next obligatory 40k bit)
Two weeks into the Dark Crusade, at the intersection of Equusian (Eck-use-ian), Tau, and Chaos-held territory.

It was rather odd seeing the armored human walking side by side with the insect-like aliens, but that did not prevent Shas'o Kais noting how unprotected he seemed. The Tau commander also saw how completely the other aliens obeyed the stealth-suited male, telling of a rigid chain of power within the new faction's ranks. The chitinous equines that surrounded the stranger regarded him with almost reverence, like those the Imperial Guard and Space Marines had towards their Emperor. The the experienced Fire Warrior knew there were many other infantry and support units the newcomer used in battle, including avian-feline hybrids and horse-like psykers.

The human's eyeless helmet made it impossible to tell where he looked, but Shas'o Kais could feel his unseen eyes drill into him. It did not help that his own armor was currently engaging its stealth field, making him invisible to all but those equipped with the correct spectrum scanners. In the blink of an eye, the stranger vanished from sight. The Tau cycled his battlesuit's vision modes in an attempt to locate the cloaked assassin, but knew from his scouts that such his technology was insufficient in this task. Anyone that could sneak through Necron lines and plant a massive nuclear device obviously possessed wargear that surpassed anything on the modern battlefield.

“What's up?” The experienced Fire Warrior raised his weapon in an attempt to remove the threat posed to him and the Greater Good on Kronus. The unknown human sliced the cannon in two using the late Necron Lord's bladed staff, its warp-blade had no trouble cutting through the advanced material of Shas'o Kais's powerful gun. Before the Tau commander could react the stave's skinning blades were pressed into the armor protecting his throat. “If you cooperate, and call off those stealth-suits about to ambush my changelings, I'll let you leave unharmed.”

“And if I do not?” The Tau were an accepting people, but it was important to keep a perceived enemy at arm's length at all times. The blades were pressed harder into the electronic armor, setting off a number of warning signals ordering the commander to get himself and his men out of there. The standard course of retreat would surely result in death, for both Shas'o Kais and his subordinates, especially if those insect were surrounding them again. “I take it you'll kill me?”

“Of course not, your people have done nothing to harm mine.” A human showing mercy was unheard of in any Fire Caste report, especially one of such position. The Necron staff was removed from the commander's armor, and planted into the ground with a strong thrust. “But, I must request you send a message to your Ethereal.”

“And that would be?” Shas'o Kais knew how strange and fanatical humans could be, but the monotone voice and professional demeanor this one displayed was a refreshing break from the norm. of course, that did not mean the adolescent-sounding male was any more reasonable than a Blood Raven or Commissar.

“The Equusian force commander wishes to arrange a diplomatic meeting of goodwill between the United Equusian Kingdoms and the Tau Empire.”

Welcome to the Borderlands

“Now, swine, stand and deliver.” Blueblood was trying to psyche Jay out, but he didn't know that I'd gone sifting through the Marehouse's ashes in search of something my friend could use. While not overtly large or ornamental, the sword packed a hidden punch. On the blade's pommel rested a dial, with the purpose of regulating the weapon's power output. A handy note written around it said that if the wielder were to ever fight heretics, set it to Purge.

“Who're you calling a pig?” Jay cranked the dial, and a blue aura surrounded the blade. I have no idea what he did to the powersword after I handed it to him, but it would likely involve fire. I hoped it would, anyway. Thankfully, I would get the chance to find out, because Blueblood has more balls than brains.

Equestrian steel can't beat raw science, as exemplified by the powersword's ability to slice through the metal with no effort. At that moment, the arrogant asshole decided dueling would be a good idea, and tried to run for it. A bullet from my .38 reminded him that if either ran, they would be shot by me, but that was just a warning.

“Princess Celestia, I am still getting over your pet humans.” Gurabba, one of the zebra ambassadors, wasn't quite used to the thought of humans being equal. In his homeland we were considered little more than pariahs, left behind by society to become bandits, marauders, and mercenary warlords.

“Yes, they're quite violent.” Qintar, a female zebra (which I have no idea what the term for is), cowered in fear from my gun, and at the display of violence that played out before her eyes. Jay scored the first point by cutting Blueblood's forehead just under the base of his horn.

“Jay and Taylor are not pets, they happen to be two of the most capable fighters I've met.” Celestia and I both knew that was a lie, my friend and I could barely pass any test of survival if we couldn't bullshit our way through it. True or not. The words sent a glimmer into Guraba's eyes, the sort of glint a man gets when he's about to say something stupid and crazy, but that just might pay off in the end.

“So, they are for hire?” While I did not appreciate my work being equated to a prostitute, the ambassador was correct. When the princess nodded, the striped stallion almost fell over as he went for a bag of coins at his sides. The motion was ignored as Blueblood was cut again, right under his foreleg, so maybe the equivalent to our armpits? “You, how much for your services?”

“Whats the job, and how long will it take?” My stoic response was muted when Jay decided to be serious about scoring the final point. I saw him set the sword to Purge, and a wreath of golden flames enveloped the blade. I pointed the revolver at the unicorn in case he decided to run, but I think he was too stunned at the display of human engineering to even attempt escape. Right as the blade cut a swathe through the vain pony's cheek, Celestia pulled Jay aside, firm in his victory over Prince Blueballs.

“Aw, come on, I was about to use a fatality.” My human friend crossed his arms in frustration, put out by being torn from his Kombat-won honor. Guraba almost had a stroke when he realized he would be hiring the two of us for the price of one, so I wonder how he would react to seeing the others we would probably be bringing along. Speaking of others, I haven't seem Cadence or Shining Armor in a few days, I wonder where they got off to.

“Just listen to the business proposition.” With Celestia having put Jay in his place as her bitch, there was nothing stopping the ambassador from telling us our prospective job. That was assuming the princess gave us a choice in accepting.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

It's white, but less so than before. I could plainly see the white marble that made the floors and vaulted ceiling, though the stone seemed oddly soft. The massive, world-encompassing chapel was complete with a gilded crucifix on the wall nearest in front of me. A golden throne sat beneath the holy symbol, and the statue from before reclined within. The fear of an elderly monstrosity was still present, but it was diminished by the calming nature of the titanic cathedral. The inhuman human's blank face seemed to contort into a smirk as I approached, the porcelain visage being more refined than the before.

I wanted to yell at it, but no words came, only the howling of wind and the sound of gunfire. The smell of death and trenches filled the room as the scenery changed, now a savannah that stretched as far as the eye could see. There were other humans here, as well as zebras, and a skirmish was playing out in front of my very eyes. Bullets from decades-old machine guns sprayed through the air, sending up plumes of dust as the impacted the dry soil. A young zebra, no older than eight, ran from behind a rock to escape, and was cut down without remorse. An anger filled the air as the scene changed, but whether the rage was mine or the statue's, I cannot be sure.

There were mountains everywhere, and humans were camped in a large canyon. Griffons flew overhead and rained burning arrows upon the resting army, intent on driving them away. This may have been a reason for the griffons hating humans, or at least a byproduct of it. The carnage of battle was not what surprised me, but a familiar black shape moving through the swarm of iron-age troops caught my eye. The statue had been here, maybe even led the fighters against the griffons. A razor-sharp arrow came down and slammed into the statue's head, only to deflect like it was a piece of straw. In the blink of an eye, I was back in the chapel, staring at the mysterious nonhuman. A hairline fracture appeared in one of the places where an eye should have been.

After being shown so much, he single, inky-black tear that ran down its face sent a chill down my spine.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

My eyes scanned the sun-baked dust of the savannah again, searching for anything that may try and attack the caravan.

“I will never get how you talked me into coming.” I couldn't understand why Lyra invited Bon-Bon, but I guess everyone needs something to fight for.

“Trust Trixie, Lyra's the only one that wanted you here.” My blue friend was resolute in her belief, but I could tolerate the candy maker for extended periods of time. Whether that held true for Jay and Chrysalis remained to be seen.

“Would you two shut up?” Jay was such a morning person, wasn't he? On my next sweep I noticed a few red stains on one of the sparse trees, punctuated by a few holes in the wood. Only bullets could make something like that, and I was instantly reminded of my nightmare. When I blinked, they were gone, replaced by a snake climbing to get some shade.

I was already regretting taking this job.

$%$%$%$%$%$%
Right, so you guys get to pick what's going on in the Zebrican savannah that requires such force.
Better yet, explain the reasoning behind your idea.
Bonus points to whoever can guess what the nightmares are about.

About to go Hunting in the Sand

There are few things more deeply seeded in the human mind than the ambush. From our earliest ancestors crowded around a fire, all the way up to the modern era, being taken by surprise meant a death sentence for any and all on the receiving end. At the moment, Trixie and Chrysalis analyzed the viewscreens for any movement, even using the ultraviolet and infrared spectra to find anything that wouldn't show on human normal. From there observations, and my own, it was safe to assume we were surrounded. Princess Celestia had made it clear that there would be no rescue for us, no cavalry to come bursting in to save the day. In shirt, we were stuck far from home with limited supplies and at least one bandit clan out to kill us, and smart enough to wait until we slept to creep up on us.

Those poor bastards wouldn't know what hit them. Leviathan's targeting system lit up six individuals on thermal. By the looks of them, I'd say it was two humans, three zebras or ponies, and one shadowy thing in the rough shape of a centaur. Yeah, whatever it was had chitin covering it; the exoskeleton allowed only minimal heat to bleed into the atmosphere. As stealthily as servos would allow, the Baneblade's turreted autocannon aimed itself as I adjusted the frontal bolters. Chrysalis pressed a button on Trixie's headset. Leviathan's guns opened full stream as a gout of concentrated flames burned through the inn's corrugated metal walls.

That's another thing I've noticed about myself. This time last year, I would have been horrified at the thought of gunning down my fellow man, but now it seemed almost easy to do. A heavy impact of a boulder to the tank's side was returned in the form of a lascannon blast, which thoroughly destroyed the catapult in question. More goons rushed from behind cover, somehow thinking their makeshift clubs and spears would do anything against a fully armored Mars-manufactured Baneblade. The sight of melee fighters made my blood boil in the best of all possible ways, and part of me wanted to jump into the fray. A light clinking sound alerted me to the fire of automatic weapons, and my lack of armor besides a low-quality police vest reminded me why I was inside a mobile fortress of death.

But seeing Jay's discarded powersword leaning against the cab's wall gave me an idea. I gripped the saber in my dominant hand and clutched the half-empty .38 in the other. With one look into a view screen, and a short walk to the main hatch, I issued a single command to Leviathan.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

“Jesus Christ, Bon-Bon, you're a badass!” Jay hadn't slept during the night, none of the ramshackle band of mercenary wannabes had. The adrenaline rush of combat removed his fatigue as surely as the candy maker he spoke to had crushed a giant scorpion with her bare hooves.

“I don't like bugs.” The earth pony tried to clean her ichor-covered hooves on the threadbare sheets to no avail, leaving her hind legs partially covered in greenish gunk. The dakkadakkadakka of automatic weapons made the three stop in their tracks. A loud boom told them there was more than one heavy gun outside, with the blast being slightly smaller than Leviathan's main cannon. Holes appeared in the tin walls as bullets soared through the inn, startling the team into action.

“Follow me!” Jay ran through a large hole he'd melted into one of the walls, his trusty flamer spewing forth a fire that made napalm extinguish itself in shame whenever he saw an appropriate target. Rather than follow the direct path into the battlefield, the flautist kept turning and weaving through the maze-like structure. The strategy allowed them to reach the back entrance, just as a strong blade cut through the metal door. A foot crashed through the broken threshold, and a familiar bandaged face came into view.

“Come on, you're missing the fun!” Taylor did not sound like his usual self. There was a gruffer, almost insane side to his voice, and his bloodshot eyes lent him no aid. The larger teen stumbled as a gun sounded off, the low-caliber bullet lodging itself firmly into his cheapo vest. The tanker turned and casually shot the offender in the face, splattering a liberal amount of grey matter on the shanty behind him. “How about we really get this party started?”

Behind the semi-broken teen, the shantytown of Cuatla had devolved into a warzone. Some of the raiders that were trying to kill the ragtag mercs had turned their guns on each other, adding infinite amounts of chaos to the already discordant forces. Maimed men moaned on the ground as they bled to a slow death from compounded minor injuries, or rather quick ones if Taylor had reached them. Near the wreck of some a burned house, Chrysalis impaled a griffon on a broken support beam. With the dieing embers and rapidly fleeing attackers, it was made abundantly clear that there were no more enemies to fight.

“Or, perhaps not.” Taylor was sounding like himself again, much to the relief of those around him. The feeling of someone grabbing his leg almost made the teen jump, and seriously scared the other when he flinched.

“Help!” A wounded local, Semeru, clutched the bandaged tanker's boot like it was his lifeline. Depending on what he would say, it very well could have been. With a nod, Trixie came from the inn's front carrying a box of medical supplies. The white-haired man's injuries were painful, but superficial. After the Borderlands native looked about for the source of the magical humming, it was made clear that he either no longer had use of his eyes, or the organs were gone from his head entirely. “Oh shit, it's you, isn't it?”

“Indeed it is, now I only wish to know if you’ll cooperate.”

$%$%$%$%$%$%

I'm getting really tired of this. The chapel was back, with its gilded crucifix and marble throne. The statue looked none too pleased with me, blacks tears streaked down the porcelain face as a scowl seemed to form in the smooth material. I wanted nothing more than to reach out and strangle the mockery of human life, to crush that featureless face beneath my boot. Holy shit, I did not sound like myself. Maybe the statue would have some zen introspective message for me. Or maybe it would try and guilt me into feeling bad for destroying Cuatla.

The cathedral changed to the Borderlands, where Semeru held a caravan leader at swordpoint. The white-haired man looked remorseful for what he was doing, and also a few years younger, so maybe this was at the start of his criminal career. The scene skipped to later in the afternoon, where the local was hanging over a hefty sack of coins to what appeared to be a scorpion man. It was obvious that Semeru was under the insect, serving its whims without question. A map appeared on a nonexistent wall, displaying in detail the area the scorpion controlled and every supply line that ran through it.

A beacon signaled the center of the scorpion's empire, and it was made clear to me that my temper would be put to use in a rather easy way. With no small amount of pleasure, I noticed Cuatla was only a few hours away from the capital, so I would be able to end this rather quickly. Just as the point was memorized, the statue changed the scene. At least it wasn't directly sabotaging my efforts.

Gurabba was sobbing into his desk, mourning his own actions. He regretted sending my friends and I to fight the raiders, but he understood that it had to be done. At least he left our payment with the princess, all the better that he avoid facing us again. When I looked at the otherworldly representation of humanity, it only nodded. The statue had tied up every loose end I could think of, and gave me a clear point to attack. The inky tears that once streaked the alabaster surface of its mask were gone, and it seemed to have a new air about it.

No, I just had to figure out my place in all this.

$%$%$%$%$%$%
Extra – Negoshiatin' Goes Fasta!
Two weeks into Dark Crusade, at the Equusian/Tau meeting place.

“So, this alliance would merely be temporary, and would only last until only our factions remained on Kronus.” The human was quite eloquent, a fact that struck the Water Caste ambassador as odd. Yes, many members of the Imperium were well-spoken, but few of them were willing to speak with so-called xenos scum. It was refreshing to see a Gue'la that could make allies instead of kill everything that wasn't like him.

“And once we have removed the invasive threat?” Por'El Shesh was pleased to see the human offer his Tau guest more refreshments, provided by his honor guard of praetorian changelings. It was shocking to know that several hundred of the insect were shipped planetsdie by the Valkyrie's Flight. Taylor, as the human was called, refused to tell anyone where the actual fleet was.

“Then we can discuss matters in detail.” The hooded teenager was friendly enough, certainly no Water Caste member, and there was a certain charisma about him that inspired his troops. Being around the Gue'la was soothing enough for Shas'o Kais to remove his own helmet, an act that would have been blasphemous were it not condoned by the Aun'El. “Now, I assume you gentlemen have questions?”

“How are the changelings like this?” The Shaper spoke before the others had the chance. The gene-integrator ay have been able to sense the inherent shifting abilities of the insectoid equines. Surprisingly, Taylor took the blunt question with ease and understanding.

“Just a little mutation the I convinced the queens to allow.” The human went back to his drink, the bitter concoction known as Imperial Stim in the Tau Empire. But Shi'Ores was aware that the Imperials referred to it as coffee. “Of the twenty changeling queens we have, nineteen are constantly producing drone eggs. They each pop out about four hundred a day.”

“And what of the one that does not, is she sterile?” Shas'o Kais was taking the same approach as the Kroot, hoping to have similar results. Much to his surprise, the young adult quirked a brow. That gesture was unfamiliar to the Fire Caste commander, but he believed it meant curiosity or mild amusement. Given the strangeness of the assassin, it could also have meant both.

“Far from it, Chrysalis is actually carrying another queen.”

$%$%$%$%$%$%
I'm not gonna lie or beat around the bush.
I'm considering a 40k sequel or spin-off of I Blame You
Votes of yay or neigh shall decide, as well as its status as sequel or spin-off.
Basic plot points would also be appreciated, because you guys do my job pretty well.

Now we go Hunting in the Sand

This was some Temple of Doom shit. Finding the scorpion lair was easy enough, or as easy as finding a man-sized hole in the middle of a vast grassland could be. Trixie was using the radio to whisper orders to Jay's team, who resided on the other end of the massive chamber. Hundreds, perhaps even over a thousand scorpions reveled and feasted in the massive cavern. It didn’t take a genius to know what meat they were eating, given the fact that it was a self-serve buffet. I have never seen such cruel and blatant disregard for a sentient species as these giant scorpion people were displaying towards zebras.

The drums made it too loud for any actual communication, but the heavy rhythm masked or movements into the colony. The human sentries were disposed of in a manner fitting their status, which I could tell Leviathan's machine spirit enjoyed greatly. While the scorpion king, because I'm totally calling him that, was smart enough to only give his guards spears, he was dumb enough not to implement an early-warning system. The entire species seemed to have some weird aversion to technology, even using open fire pits where they could have gas or electric heating systems. This also served to foil any plans I had of using chemicals or materials the arachnids had in the open.

“Team Two is ready for payload delivery.” the plan we had in place meant for us to begin the ambush by arming one of Leviathan's Mega Battle Cannon shells and throwing it into the unsuspecting bugs. At my approving blip, Lyra began levitating the massive explosive over the crowd, while Trixie and Chrysalis readied their scavenged firearms. This was going to be a moment we could cry about later. As inhuman as it sounds, emotional breakdowns serve no purpose in such a situation.

The caves turned to hell in a fraction of a second. The high-yield round exploded near the center of the seething mass of giant arachnids, spraying bits of greenish viscera in every possible direction. The beating of drums was quickly replaced by panicked shrieking as the sound of automatic weapons filled the air, clearing many of the warriors and scouts that tried to find a way to kill us. When the three magic-wielders had exhausted their ammunition, Jay and I took the initiative and jumped from our respective ventilation shafts. A massive, dark scorpion screamed at as it fled, and I realized the king was here.

“Jay, incinerate these eight-legged freaks, I'm going after big ugly.”

$%$%$%$%$%$%

“This seem familiar, Jay?” Chrysalis was over the slaughter of her offspring, the evolutionary necessity of drones made them easily replaced. She hadn't mourned their passing, though she was physically pained as a small potion of her then-massive hive was lost. Black humor was unheard of from the insectoid alicorn, and the break from sarcastic joking was noticed by her companions.

“Not really, I personally think it could use more noise.” Just because the pyro noticed her unusual behavior did not mean he cared. Another gout of flame engulfed a fleeing scorpion, its painful death would serve as recompense for the lives the overgrown horror movie rejects had ruined or taken. “I wished they screamed like burning changelings when they go up.”

“Yes, I suppose that is a feature to be desired.” The dethroned queen brought a side tunnel down on approaching reinforcements, while simultaneously preventing her comrades' escape. Cutting off the only viable way out was Taylor's plan, the teen had told her as much, and he obviously had a good reason for it. But, there was still something bothering the broodmother about this entire ordeal.

“We got civies over here!” Bon-Bon had taken to the role of mercenary almost jokingly, but she had the makings of a fine comm-operator. The other four wannabe bounty hunters ran to the candy maker, hoping to free whatever innocents they could. There were large slave cages, each holding a mixed group of zebras, humans, griffons, and the occasional minotaur. Male, female, young, old, they were all crowded into the cramped cells to be tortured, or worse.

“Christ.” Jay had to cover his mouth as he looked at the cells opposite from the heavily-occupied ones. There were some things even the most jaded of men retched at the sight of, and what he saw definitely qualified. “Bon-Bon, get Taylor on the horn, I don't want the fucker he's after getting off easy.”

“I'll make sure he gets in a few swings for each of us.” The cream mare knew enough about her begrudgingly accepted housemate that she could anticipate what he would do to the scorpion king. If what he did to Chrysalis was to protect a faceless city, the fillyfooler shuddered to think of what the tanker was capable of when it came to this.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

Steel met steel in an even fight, the sort that was horrendously uncommon on Earth when I left. Just the scorpion patriarch and I squared off in what I assumed was his private chambers, with his scimitar against my powered-down powersabre. Parries and slashes played between us in a dance of death, an elegant and fearsome display of brutal strength and refined skill. If the king was able to speak English, as he may have been if what the statue showed me was anything to go on, then there was no reason for him not to converse with me.

Bon-Bon's voice filtered in over my headset's background static, giving me news I wished not to receive despite its necessity. A number of, for lack a better term, bodies, all tortured and raped, possibly simultaneously, were found in a cage-turned-hellhole. Marauders were expected to display such behavior, and that alone would have spurred me into anger, but this fucker cranked it up to eleven. From a cursory observation, a few of the victims seemed pregnant, and there was a handful of children among them. You know something is very bad when I hope those that endure it are dead, but Bons hadn't said if their suffering continued.

“Take a pistol from a dead human, and – fuck! – kill any survivors, after you set the others free.” I needed to get rid of that scimitar if I was going to exact revenge, and I had one surefire way to accomplish this task. I took a small leap back, and cranked my powersabre to Purge. The golden-wreathed blade sliced through the blocking sword, as well as the chitin-covered arm that held it. I didn't allow the scorpion time to bleed before I slammed a foot into his chest. Under normal circumstances, I appreciate an even fight, because I knew there was no such thing as a fair fight. This was not a normal circumstance, and it was no longer a fight.

As I tossed my powersabre to the side and punched the king in his arachnid face, I realized just how different this was from what I'd done to the locals of Cuatla. There was no need for the added violence, I could just kill him and be done with it, but there wouldn't be the satisfaction I'd get from making him suffer. This was not combat, it was not self defense, I was committing murder, and loving every second of it. I punched the bastard in his face again, and felt something break under the pressure. If it was my hands or the scorpion's chitin-covered face, I had no idea. There was no rush of pain either way, so I'd have to wait until my body calmed enough to feel anything.

I swung with the same fist, and felt a similar snap. That was definitely a few metacarpals breaking under the impact, but I still had another hand and two feet to bludgeon with, should the pain become too much. Unfortunately, my body's limits went untested as the king's tail slammed into my back. I was killing a giant scorpion with a humanoid torso mounted on its body, how could I have forgotten about the famous stinging tail the arachnids came with? I stomped on his throat, crushing his equivalent of a windpipe as the leathery connective skin bunched and tore under the force output.

Adrenaline does funny things to the body, and effects vary from between individuals, even if the basic symptoms of a rush are the same across the board. In my case, pain tolerance and reaction time took a boost, but my coordination roll a nosedive. Right as the king sputtered his last few breaths under my boot, my high started to fade. With it came the immediate withdrawal symptoms, including increased sensitivity in my extremities and skin. Two metacarpals were broken, at least, not to mention the now-throbbing puncture wound in my back from that damned stinger. I took the requisite evidence of the king's death as I left the chamber, dragging the powersabre from my semi-useless hand.

Right as I reached the others, with the burning fires cleaning away the horror of the torture cells, the scorpion venom hit full-swing. My vision throbbed once and the next thing I knew, I was saying hello to the cave floor.

$%$%$%$%$%$%
Extra – A Night Through the Eyes of a Killing Machine
The Night of the Raid on the Scorpion Nest

Leviathan had a max speed of twenty-five kilometers per hour on roads, and eighteen kilometers per hour when off. So it went without saying that the current thirty kph the Baneblade zipped along at was more than impressive, given the lack of any sort of roadway in the Borderlands. With the Korpsman suffering from a came of poisoning at the hands of a filthy xenos, it was its duty to protect the young man, and that included breaking the specs the Mars techpriests had built into the machine husk Leviathan's spirit inhabited.

With the entire team aboard, begrudgingly including the bug-xeno known as Chrysalis, the massive beast tore across the savannah. Anything too slow, stupid, or immobile to move out of the tank's way was crushed beneath its mighty treads. It would still take a few hours to reach Equestria, and a many more to get to Canterlot, but there would be no delay unless every system of the Baneblade failed at once. Even then, it would take every force of the Ruinous Powers to hold the steel monstrosity in place. The tank shook as it ran over what resembled a Terran elephant, shame it couldn't collect the ivory. Land Raiders may be credited with the most advanced machine spirits because they can fight entire battles without a crew, but Leviathan previously filled in a job its cousin would find impossible.

Taking care of Guardsmen was very different from being cared for by Astartes, and the Baneblade only had to replace one crew member due to injuries during its five centuries of service. Given the exorbitant attrition rates the Imperial Guard suffered, that made the Baneblade a certified badass, and much better than any Space Marine Land Raider could claim. By the Emperor, the hulking tank wouldn't allow its sterling record to be tarnished, and it'd definitely do its best to prevent the loss of an excellent human life to xenos filth.

The Baneblade meant absolutely zero offense to its equine-xenos, because they were its commander's closest allies, and therefore under Leviathan's protection.

A Return to the Nonsensical

The cathedral was decorated for something big, a funeral, perhaps. The statue had its hands clasped together as it knelt before the golden crucifix, its throne forgotten by the wayside. Heavy bells tolled, an the air was serene in its simplicity. I felt no fear or anxiety in the statue's presence, a first that I enjoyed immensely. The faceless nonhuman seemed at peace, completely oblivious to my presence. I knew it knew I was there, but that was beside the point. Feeling no need to keep my distance, I approached the kneeling sculpture. My first step clacked against the floor like an Italian dress shoe, something that quickly alerted me to my fitting formal attire.

I wanted to ask why I was hear, especially after the closed casket materialized before the gilded cross. Sadly, my voice was still muted, but my companion seemed to understand my unspeakable request. The living statue gestured me forward, and I was slightly worried it would toss the coffin open and force me to look at the screaming souls of those I'd killed in the Borderlands. My sorrows weren't brought to the surface again, much to my relief, but that didn't make the encounter any less creepy. I took my place next to the animate sculpture, and it took the courtesy to open the casket.

Empty. The funeral's guest of honor hadn't arrived, or hadn't been born, or had died so long about his or her bones turned to dust. A hand on my shoulder brought my attention back to the statue. It pointed to itself, then me, then held up two fingers. Then it repeated the process, using its whole hand to gesture, but only raised its forefinger. It pointed the digit at the casket, and a chill ran through the calming atmosphere. Things would come to a head soon, both of us would meet face to face in the waking world.

One of us was sure to be found wanting.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

Eight hundred bits. Eight hundred gold coins added to my account at Ponyville's bank, an account that grew fatter every day because I never bought anything. I wouldn't touch the money, not after what I did to get it. It was safe to say what I did was wrong, even Chrysalis, the changeling I described as a sociopath, had a bit of guilt weighing on her heart. For something that happened a few weeks ago, the savannah still haunted my dreams more than the statue. Every waking moment I was forced to wonder if what I did was justified, I meant in Cuatla; the scorpion nest was more than fair.

Semeru had lost both eyes during the ambush, and I killed him because he wasn't useful, because the sculpture pointed me in the proper direction. He had been a pawn in the whole thing, nothing more than a body the king needed in order to keep his stranglehold over the region. Equestria and Zebrica would both face an economic boom, now that stories of the Burned Man and the Pyromaniac were being spread by Cuatla's survivors, keeping bandits and marauders from setting up shop in the Borderlands. What was a few bodies between economic allies?

Apparently Gurabba had blabbed during their version of a UN meeting that Celestia had two human warriors under her command that hired themselves out whenever the job didn't conflict with Equestria's interests. He embellished the stories to the point that Griffonia's High Chancellor now thought Jay and I fought an entire army with our bare hands. Badass legends or not, there was a part of everyone left in that grassland, something none of us would ever get back.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

“Finally decided to join us?” Chrysalis looked up from her newspaper, her favorite method of keeping a hoof on the kingdom's pulse. While I had been holed up in either Leviathan, my basement workshop, or the master bedroom, it did not mean there was something wrong with me. The dethroned queen actually knew I was feeling guilty about Cuatla, everyone was to an extent.

“Ran out of food, figured I could scavenge from the house.” I needed a haircut again, my usual stubble had grown long enough to need a comb. Trixie shot me a sympathetic look, a glaring difference in the two in regards to my mental state. The queen treated my guilt like it was nothing, like a quick boot in my ass would set me straight. My magician accomplice was gentler in her attempts to make me spill my guts, she kept treating me like my heart was made of glass. “Anything interesting happen while I was trying to work myself to death?”

“I got a letter from my mother.” Chrysalis's mother, the Grand Matron of the changeling species, was someone I was hoping to never meet. How she figured out where her wayward daughter had gone, I had no idea.

“You what?” Trixie seemed shocked, completely caught off guard because both of us had told the showmare that the shapeshifter's mom had left her for dead. Perhaps it also had something to do with Chrysalis not telling her until now. At the magician's disbelief, the dethroned queen seemed to take offense.

“Well, Trix, some of us actually have family we talk to.” As much as I liked the changeling, she could be a real pain. Lucky for her she was useful enough to warrant having around just in case. It t didn't help that Trixie's family was a bit of a tough subject, even I had no idea of her private life.

“What does the old crone want?” I did know, however, that Chrysalis felt no emotional ties to her mother, not after being sent on a suicide mission to fulfill a prophecy I was half-certain was complete bullshit. I've no clue why changeling blood was green, but it produced a similarly colored blush on the queen's cheeks.

“She's wondering if you know I'm a changeling, and in case you do, when her granddaughter is due.” Right, that's what I get for keeping a master of infiltration and deception; she had to learn it from somewhere. The two of us shared a look, and a small glance at Trixie's mortified face, before the two of us started laughing. “You know, on the off chance I have you hypnotized.”

“Oh, I needed that.” I wiped a tear from my eye, but did a double-take when the queen presented the letter to me. Yep, all there in black and white, signed by Her Majesty, Matron Karapass. One bit of the letter had me worried, enough that I briefly considered called Celestia, Luna, and Cadence from Canterlot just so I would have enough alicorns on my side, because I doubt Leviathan had enough firepower to destroy this problem. “She sent you to die! Why is she coming to visit?!”

“Have you considered that she might just want to see me again?” The look in her eyes told me she actually felt the same way as me, but part of her desired her mother's approval. We looked to see Trixie already grabbing her emergency escape bags, ready to camp at Twilight's for a few days until the whole thing passed. “We have two days.”

“She's not bringing any of her own praetorian guard, is she?” Chrysalis's face told me how stupid of a question that actually was, so I dropped it. With forty-eight hours to prepare for what may be the biggest and greatest battle Equus has seen in eons, I had only one plan. “Jesus Christ, get the princesses down here!”

$%$%$%$%$%$%
Extra – I Bane You
Three weeks into Dark Crusade, at Victory Bay.

A massive explosion tore through a mass of modified changelings. The Liberators had deployed a Baneblade into the field, and the seemingly hopeless battle was quickly changing tides. Griffons flew from the sight of it, often dropping their Tau-made pulse rifles in the process. A second round detonated within a unicorn magic-mortar team, irreplaceable personnel that would be mourned and honored for their noble sacrifice.

“Face the might of the Baneblade!” The vaguely accented voice of an Imperial Guardsman filtered in over the static produced by the sub-par vox systems used by Equusian forces. A massive object slammed into the enormous tank's side, followed by a burst of three lascannons fired at close range.

“I could say the same to you!” The voice of the so-called Burned Man sounded as furious as a Grey Knight charging heretics, and came crystal clear from his own Baneblade. Governor-Militant Lukas Alexander watched from afar as the Valhallan-painted tank rammed into his own. The general had never seen stolen armor in battle, save those Leman Russ tanks Orks were so fond of scavenging. Fighting stopped in several areas, with griffons and ponies helping Guardsmen to their feet so they could see the display of supreme firepower.

“You've taken the Emperor's holy armor!” The Imperial tanker said those words as though the mere thought of theft was a grievous sin. Despite its ineffectiveness at such range, the Equusian Baneblade fired his Demolisher Cannon. The high-yield round bounced off his opponent's hull like he'd tossed an orange at it, but arced into the concrete fortification behind the Guard-owned tank. The well-placed shot destroyed a key heavy weapon emplacement, allowing a swarm of changelings to cross the Hellfire Cannon's blast area safely.

“Have I taken it, or have I returned it to its intended purpose?” The strange idea gave the mentally-vulnerable man pause, a brief two seconds of total immobility. It was long enough for the Equusian commander to fire a single shot from Leviathan's Mega Battle Cannon. The shell would have impacted on one of the frontal heavy bolter turret emplacements, had it not been removed for maintenance purposes earlier that day. Given weak point and the immense force of the blast, the entire crew of the First Kronus Regiment's only functioning Baneblade was incinerated as there tank was reduced to a flaming wreck. It was a one in a million chance, and the gamble payed off for the invading army.

Upon seeing the complete annihilation of what was considered the most powerful of Imperial Guard vehicles being turned to scrap metal, several Guardsmen either fled or started flying the Equusian banner.

Fly me to the Moon

“I think he's taking the news well.” Twilight had been watching Taylor run around town for the past six hours, gathering seemingly useless supplies. Given the human's penchant for horrendously complicated plans ans borderline suicidal risks, he may have been building a world ending bomb. “And your mom's coming to Ponyville?”

“Yes, it was quite the surprise.” Chrysalis sat next to the librarian, cloaked in an unneeded disguise. She wouldn't have told the Element of anything that even seemed remotely dangerous, though she was aware that anyone as powerful and conniving as her mother could never be taken as honest. Princess Celestia had been made aware of the Matron's impending visit, and would be carefully monitoring Taylor's thoughts for any sign of attack. It went without saying the amount of firepower the princess could bring down if needed. “Mama could be arriving anytime now, or maybe she's already here.”

“And you call your mother mama?” Neither magic user knew why Rainbow Dash was sitting with them. Chrysalis herself hadn't known the daredevil was even capable of sitting still for more than twenty minutes. “You're like a hundred years old!”

“Eighty, which is comparable to your age in my species’s eyes.” This drew a look from Twilight. The librarian knew about the relatively long lifespan insect queens had compared to their brood, but she was unaware that the same applied to the changelings. The number also hinted at a centuries-long expectancy, and the lavender unicorn was overcome with a feeling of insignificance she hadn't felt since learning of Celestia's immortality. “Mom's over twelve-hundred, so she'll be passing the title of Grand Matron off soon.”

“Congratulations.” Twilight obviously had no idea what being given the position meant, but Chrysalis had hope that she wouldn't be chosen. When the bookish unicorn noticed the flat look she was receiving, she quickly retracted her praise. Luckily, there was no time for the dethroned queen to elaborate on the concept as Taylor carried a number of metal sheets in his home's general direction.

“I think the big guy's turning the house into another tank.” While Dash's statement was impossible given technological constrains, the three females made their way to the homestead.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

I had cracked. That was the simplest solution, really. After spending so much time in land filled with magic ponies, my sanity took a leave of absence. This may have been good, but very, very bad. If Leviathan and I could take Karapass by surprise, we might just stand a chance. Because yes, I was terrified by the very thought of coming face to face with the exalted queen.

“What in Equestria are you doing?” Twilight must have been talking about the impromptu spider holes I’d been digging in the yard. With sod on top of the lids, they were just as concealed as any hiding spot the Japanese used in the Second World War.

“Entrenching my position.” Could she not see that? Was she ignorant of the obvious necessity that earthen defenses carried? Regardless, the lavender pony grabbed my shovel before I could start on the spike pit.

“I've never seen you freak out this much.” I really wanted my shovel back. Chrysalis and Dash just stood there, watching Twilight effectively sabotage my attempts at self-defense. I started this project and I would see it through to the end. Besides, I already buried Leviathan in its own ramped pit for ambushing the Grand Matron when she arrived. That obviously assumed she wasn't already here, or disguised as one of the ponies and very close to me, or hadn't seen my preparations. My plan actually had a lot of holes, come to think of it.

“I thought only dogs dug this much.” Chrysalis obviously wasn't too happy about the complete annihilation of the front yard, or the backyard, or the side yards. In case you hadn't figured it out, I'd torn the landscape to shit. But all the holes were seamlessly covered by new sod, so only a trained eye would be able to see the traps. The complete lack of one hill was noticeable, but only if the viewer was familiar with the area. “Seriously, how did you do this in six hours?”

“You've never read The Great Escape, have you?” Great book, really, give it a read sometime if you haven't already done so. The three mares looked between themselves, trying to figure out what I meant. Of all the books to end up on Equus, not a single copy seemed to have survived crossing over, but at least there were plenty of other gems. Why the hell was I rambling? Oh, right, I was just using a book written by a member of the RAF about his stint in the Luftwaffe-run POW camp as an excuse to dig pits in my friend's yard. “Nevermind, I doubt you'd understand everything going on without a passing knowledge of human history.”

“Twilight, he's acting worse than you did that time you were late writing to the princess.” Oh yeah, I remembered that episode, too bad none of the ponies knew that they were entertainment in our world. That sort of thing would have been fun, a lot of fun, really. At the mention of her decent into madness, Twilight's look soured, but quickly returned to the stern look she'd used on me in the past whenever I'd do something without her permission, or when she'd expressly told me not to do it.

“This actually happens a lot.” Chrysalis did have a point. During the time we'd been living together with Trixie, I'd forgotten to eat a number of times, and gone days without sleep, all from my obsession with fully repairing Leviathan. Yet, I had done almost everything technological constraints would allow, so there was little reason for me to worry about having the massive death machine ready for battle. Oh yeah, besides the literal grandmother of all changelings coming to pay me a visit, but, you know, that's fine.

“He gonna be alright?” Dash had never actually seen me crack, so this was a new experience for her. Was she at the hospital when Celestia read my mind? No, I don't think so, so this was definitely her first time.

“Yeah, he just needs some sleep.” The familiar tingle of changeling magic enveloped me as Chrysalis lifted me off the ground. As much as I hated the thought of being carried around, my inner lazyass was overjoyed that I wouldn't have to use stairs. The crownless queen looked at the two ponies one last time before walking towards the moderately-sized abode. “We can catch up when this whole thing blows over, alright?”

“Of course, take all the time you need.” I had the feeling half of Ponyville was going to flee for the hills as soon as Rainbow or Twilight let the secret slip. If one of them let the cat out of the bag, that is.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

While everyone felt some measure of guilt about what happened in the Borderlands, Jay had a wonderful coping mechanism. Through denial, he was able to live a relatively normal life, far above the mental anguish he was certain permeated his friends' lives. That sounded a bit callous, but life was about toughening up. For the flautist, it was hard to believe how different he was from his old self on Earth, but such is the ever-changing dynamic of the human condition.

The teen was actually going to hang out in town for a while, but decided against it when he saw Taylor carrying enough metal to build a fallout shelter. It was safe to say the honorary human would be staying with the Apple Family until the coast cleared. Besides, Applebloom and her friends were starting to grow on him, so it wasn't too hard on his end. Besides, there was sure to be something he could d at the farm to pass the time; or maybe he could figure out what to do with his cut from the Zebrica Deal. Maybe he'd do something special with the cash, who knows?

$%$%$%$%$%$%
Extra – Blood From a Stone
[Date: Unknown][Time: Unknown][Error Connecting to Local Servers]

They'd finally done it. After months of searching and hoping, Jay and Taylor had finally recovered the near-forgotten FTL gun and laptop receiver. There was much sadness among their group of friends, but it was clear that they did not belong on Equus. With Princess Celestia's blessing, the two teen's ripped another hole in the fabric of reality, purposefully this time, and rode the interdimensional superhighway back to their destination. This was surprisingly simple, Taylor had equated to matter merely having the tendency to return to its point of origin on the web of realities.

“You realize what is said was complete bullshit, right?” The hooded teenager and his friend sat in his truck as it swam on the currents of space and time, blissfully hoping to return to their homes. Sure, they would miss their adventures in Equestria, but all good things must come to an end some time.

“I was hoping you would wait until after we'd reached home to say it, though.” Right as Jay finished, a hole in hyperspace miraculously opened, and the Chevrolet safely crashed into the arid dust that awaited them. That should be taken as losing the front axle and burying the front end halfway in the dirt.

“Ow, what did we hit?” That voice sounded familiar as it filter through a smashed window. Taylor reached through the rear windshield and pulled up the weather tarp he kept in the back. Lyra Heartstrings and Trixie Lulamoon sheepishly looked up from their hiding spot. “We're in trouble, aren't we?”

“Oh yeah, and as soon as I can get home, I'm sending you guys back to Equestria.” The two humans did their best to climb out of the semi-buried vehicle, but had to use the unicorns' help to escape the cab. With the electronics strapped to their backs, the four looked for any landmarks in the barren wasteland.

“Uh, Taylor, I think you need to see this.” Jay offered his friend his glasses, knowing full-well he was nearsighted. Thankfully their vision needs were similar enough that they almost shared a prescription. The larger teen looked through his friend's specs, hoping to see a gas station or some such thing in the desert. Instead, he saw something horrifying on a deep level.

In the distance, a half-rotted billboard asked viewers to Build Mass With Sass!

An Oddly Unarousing Evening

Part of me wanted to reach under my pillow for the scavenged pistol, but my rational side was in control. Karapass, the Grand Matron of the changelings and possibly naturally as strong as Celestia, had just caught me making out with her daughter, the same one she sent on a suicide run. Movement outside the window drew my hand away from the 9mm; I wasn't about to trust a weapon that failed to kill me against a monster like this. Don't get me wrong; I'm certifiably insane and rather durable, but I am neither crazy nor indestructible.

“Are the Burned Man, or the Pyromaniac?” Karapass's question came a surprise. The disguised changeling had come all this way and hadn't done the prerequisite snooping required to know who her own flesh and blood was living with? Queens were the only changelings I imagine receiving any sort of love from their mothers, so the critical research failure was a little disheartening. A sweet smile spread across the fake pony as she noticed my slight fear. “Oh relax, I would have killed you earlier if I came for blood.”

“Which leads me to wonder why you're here.” With both my hands in front of me, there would be almost no chance of the Grand Matron thinking I'm physically hostile. The pseudo-pegasus looked me up and down, paying close attention to my chest arms. Maybe she was looking at my now-numerous injuries, many of which were indirect results of her actions, but I truly couldn't say in certainty. The red mare's eyes flashed again, this time in annoyance.

“You're an ass.” Karapass said something everyone knew, and Chrysalis almost burst out laughing. I could tell; she made the weird half-choking sound you make when you hold something big back. The centuries-old mother gave her daughter a sharp, flat look. I couldn't honestly say I didn't know the feeling. Her gaze returned to me, appraising and accusing me with every second she stared. “Surely there must more to you than meets the eye.”

“He saved my life.” Chrysalis wrapped a foreleg around my neck, pulling me to her in what appeared to be an attempt to protect me from her mother. While I appreciated the gesture, it had the unfortunate consequence of removing the Matron from my field of vision.

“After he tried to kill you.” Technically, her death was almost a foregone conclusion when she was sent to Equestria. For a moment, I almost thought Karapass had forgotten that fact, but decided to let it go without protest. A chittering noise from outside served to remind me of the praetorian guard the Matron brought with her, and I knew fully that Leviathan would annihilate them if I gave the word. “Has his magic turned you blind to that?”

To prove her point, the ancient changeling tried to break my hold over her daughter, only to find a complete lack of tampering in the young adult's mind. I could only tell such a thing by the tingle of magic in the air, because Chrysalis made no sign of discomfort other than squeezing me closer. I rubbed the queen's neck to make her release me, or at least loosen enough for me to turn around, but I was met with a probing mind-tentacle. My natural resistance to magic and mental practice would aid me in this, if only to stem the reading. Basic facts and figures, radio static, cheat codes for games I hadn't even seen in years, every piece of trivial information I could filter into her thought-probing magic was crammed into her skull.

“Neat trick, but completely worthless.” The fake pegasus gave me a slightly-impressed look, as though my impotent reversal was of any quality, which it truly wasn't. However, I think I may have made a mark on the Matron's mind with that defiance. Karapass ceased her probing after finding absolutely no trace of magic in my repertoire not hints of arcana in my mind. Just as the ancient emotion vampire left my conscious, a pleasant jolt ran through the areas of my memory she scanned. It didn't feel like it came from the outside, so maybe my mind was developing coping mechanisms for the odd number of intrusions I'd suffered over the months.

“You can thank Celestia for giving me the idea for it.” Much to my surprise, Karapass chuckled at my joke. Chrysalis and I joined her in hopes of bridging the divide between us, or at least trying our best. My own laughter tapered off as soon as I realized the Grand Matron had accessed the thoughts I'd had when she first arrived, and we both acknowledged this in the same moment as we made eye contact. In the back of my mind, I could feel all existence mocking me. The same could be applied to the smile Karapass wore, because it made the teenager in me nearly want to run in fear.

“I'm afraid I'm unfamiliar with your colloquial terminology; could you enlighten me to what a cockblock is?” We both knew she knew exactly what it meant, but that didn't mean I had been thinking it, and Chrysalis understood that. Seeing that neither of us were amused by incredibly lame joke, the term being very generous estimation on my end. The exalted queen laughed before taking a few steps back. “When you're done ravishing each other, we need to have a serious talk.”

She went downstairs after that, presumably to wait for us to finish what we were starting. Chrysalis and I shared a look before we both agreed on something very important, and not the sort of important understanding that happens daily. It was safe to say that neither of us had been so unaroused in our lives.

$%$%$%$%$%$%
Extra – That Lucky Old Sun
[08:34 Local Time]

For once, being a person who enjoyed almost any sort of electronic game payed off for the two teens as they ferried their charges around the dangerous wasteland. Only those familiar with the El Dorado Lake area would know about the raider ambush behind one of the billboards, with said bandits waiting on the side closest to the local gas and service station. Much like when they arrived in Equestria, Jay and Taylor already had the best ideas for survival in mind. The flautist crept under the highway's bank, keeping low to avoid detection. The pistol-brandishing technophile stalked behind the group of raiders, his rebuilt .357's hammer locked in its firing position for a decisive first shot.

Jay tossed a rock from his hiding spot. The bandit leader turned to face the noise his lackeys began to investigate its source. Just as he started to finish his stale cigarette, the rusted barrel of an old revolver stared him in the eye. His first instinct was to reach for his hunting rifle, but the the prepared survive long in the cruel world of post-apocalyptic America for any amount of time. The sound of a gunshot drew the attention of the two thugs. The male bruiser caught a 5.56 round in the back, his white shirt proving completely ineffective against supersonic lead. The female was bashed in the head by a rock, tossed by none other than Lyra Heartstrings.

“Was murder necessary?” Trixie asked the question as she came from behind a large cactus, and she could already see her supposed guardian angel helping himself to the raider leader's large-caliber rifle. It wasn't so much the gun theft as it was rummaging through the corpse's pockets for ammo that turned the magicians gut. The large hole just behind the dead man's left eye didn't help, either.

“Raiders are beyond redemption, they're hardly human anymore.” For Taylor to use his current tone of voice meant something was very seriously wrong with his subject matter. The long-sleeved teen searched his target's backpack for anything useful, and managed to come away with a pair of binoculars and a half-eaten pack of deviled eggs. He threw the radioactive food away in disgust.

“Found a grenade.” Jay had taken an entire satchel off the dead woman, which he shook in enthusiasm. “Plus whole bunch of caps.” That was his way of addressing the group's lack of equally-distributed weaponry and equal lack of ammunition. With the roll of his eyes, Taylor admitted they needed help, medical supplies, and actual beds.

“Fine, we'll stop by Novac, then hook back and hit up the power plant.”

$%$%$%$%$%$%
Alright, for the 40k spin-off/sequel, what sort of planet(s) should it take place on?
What faction(s) will have a hand in things?

Of All the Rotten Luck

“You're putting on a shirt?” Chrysalis apparently couldn't figure out why I was bothering with the added cloth; it wasn't like Karapass hadn't already seen my bare torso.

“Why not show the proper civility?” Besides, I'd been looking for a good reason to wear the collared button-up. Rarity had put in a fair amount of time making the black garment, so it only seemed reasonable to show it off to royalty. I flashed the queen a winning smile as I tucked a pistol behind my back. Yeah, I still wasn't risking getting shot in the dick.

“Because you're you.” The changeling had a point. But unknown to her, I enjoyed putting on the air of class my cultivated accent allowed me. I slapped Chrysalis's flank and flashed her a grin as I finished fixing my clothes.

“Let's not keep your mother waiting.”

$%$%$%$%$%$%

Karapass was one of the few things on Equus old enough to remember Luna before she succumbed to the jealousy. In her long life, the Matron had seen many things others would rather avoid all knowledge of, just to keep their cushy lives afloat. Humans were one of those things, especially the magic-nullifying ones that came about every so often. Taylor was a prime example of the subspecies, matching her perceptions of the race almost flawlessly. With the frighteningly small glimpse she' had into his mind, Karapass had seen schematics she couldn't even begin to describe. With such a specimen wrapped around her horn, Chrysalis would surely inherit the title of Grand Matron.

Politics were the same everywhere, it seemed. With her life nearing its end, the exalted matriarch had to choose the daughter most likely to lead the changelings to a better existence. This meant every queen had to present the current Grand Matron with an example of their leadership capabilities, often accomplished by displaying their bodyguard. Any intelligent species on Equus could be recruited for this role, but they had to enter it willingly for their boss to have a chance at winning. Nonnative humans were unofficially the most prized, being slightly more difficult to find and gather than adolescent dragons. Thorax and Chrysalis were the only queens to have one, which would surely send jealousy through their siblings in waves.

“You're the most stubborn jackass this side of Stalliongrad.” Karapass almost jumped at hearing her youngest daughter speak as she descended the stairs, surely followed by the subject of her words. The barely-grown queen's hooves were heavy as the hit the wood, and almost masked the sound of her bipedal companion's own, whisper-soft steps. It was just as the teen's feet came into view that she heard his voice unpainted by fear.

“And you are an overgrown beetle whose only redeeming quality is her sex appeal.” There was a false gasp as Chrysalis feigned shock. The Grand Matron shook her head at their behavior, thinking neither of them had enough years to act like an old married couple. Taylor was snappily dressed in a button-up and jeans, trying to keep the formality to a minimum while simultaneously showing a business-like attitude to the entire meeting. Something seemed to bother the teen, though, and it took a few seconds for the ancient changeling to understand what it was exactly. She almost laughed when she realized the Burned Man didn't like Chrissy wearing her crown. Karapass wondered why that was, but decided she could figure it out during their talk.

“Mom, it's really nice to see you again.” Chrysalis seemed genuine in her kindness, though there was a touch of concern lacing her words. This was probably the result of her mother's maintained disguise, being so uncommon for changelings to stay hidden around each other in the Badlands. She must have inherited the sincerity from her father, being a quality that had initially attracted Karapass to the man those eighty years ago. The young queen pointed a hoof to the even younger human. “This is Taylor.”

“Charmed.” The teenager's voice held a hint of playful sarcasm, with an accent that had both a slight country twang and a bit of a Trottingham drawl. The Grand Matron could tell at least one of those qualities was fake, but was unable to determine which. The human ran a hand over his short hair, the strands too short to be properly tended. “I'm sorry about being so rude earlier, and also regret that you had to see me with your daughter.”

“Oh, relax, I'm more offended you didn't finish what you two started; I would have waited.” What Karapass didn't add was the fact that she would have watched, curious about what techniques magic-nullifying humans used on their homeworld. It would have been something to record at the very least. None of the Matron's daughters had been sired by one, so it was impossible to know such intimate details of their psychology.

“Perhaps we can sate your curiosity later.” That statement sent Karapass for a loop. She hadn't expected the human to be that perceptive, but maybe it was just a skill he hid with fantastic efficiency. The semi-smug teen was thoroughly like Pupae's father, though he was much more polite than that brute could have ever hoped to be. “But, for now, I believe you have business to discuss with your daughter?”

“Yes, and I hope that offer still stands after we get done here.” The Grand Matron winked at the magic-null, who wriggled his eyebrows in response. The two changelings chuckled at the teen's antics, glad to see humor under fire was prevalent in his mind. The air turned serious in an instant, and the three speakers adapted slightly faster. “Chrissy, as you know, is nearly time for communion.”

“Yes, and I've been dreading this since receiving your letter.” A slight question formed in the human's mind, but he kept it to himself. Karapass thought Taylor knew he would find out soon enough, or maybe he already knew and just forgot a few details. “It's between Arachni and I, isn't it?”

“Yes, and it's too evenly matched to determine a clear-enough winner to avoid any unpleasantness.” The Grand Matron sighed, knowing the fear that engulfed her wayward daughter all too well. She'd been twice Chrysalis's age when she'd been chosen, but there was still a soul-crushing that filled her heart when she'd heard the news. “I suggest you get your closest friends and ready them as best you can.”

“This is going to be horrible, isn't it?” Taylor proved to be incredible once again, or maybe that was average for his subspecies. Both Karapass and Chrysalis nodded solemnly, and the human bit back profanity. The changeling next to him noticed the behavior, and understood that he was less than enthused about entering the fray. The dethroned queen nuzzled into the teen's neck to calm him from any anger that might present itself as her mother answered his question.

“Taylor, you and some of your friends are going to fight Arachni's retinue in a battle to the death.” In that moment, Karapass was lucky her daughter was between her and the human. Berserk humans didn't die easily, and had a terrible pattern of not staying dead. “You have one week before you must arrive at our home, and you will fight two days after that.”

“Well woopty-fuckin'-doo.” Much to Karapass's delight, she now knew which aspect of Taylor's accent was fake.

$%$%$%$%$%$%
Extra – In the Shadow of the Valley
[11:24 Local Time]

“I never thought it would look like this.” Lyra was peering through the binoculars at the town dubbed Novac. At least they had a dinosaur statue, so that was a plus.

“Get used to it.” Taylor was in one of his moods again, the all-business attitude he adopted when facing something he considered serious. The large teen looked around every few seconds, pointing his .308 rifle at every noise that carried through the desert. “Maybe Manny won't shoot when he sees us coming.”

“I'm pretty sure he already sees us.” Jay pointed out the obvious fact that the NCR sniper likely had a his scope zeroed on the group. The flautist had become the posse's unofficial cash holder, and had a grand number of eighty-two caps in his satchel. Not enough for a single stimpak, but the could get a few bottles of clean water for it, or a fair bit of cheap ammo. Taylor wasn't about to sell his hunting rifle, even though he could get about two-hundred caps for it, plus ten more for the .308 rounds in the magazine. “I really don't see how we plan to survive any sort of conflict with the NCR.”

“Would you prefer we headed to the Big Empty?” Lyra and Trixie had no idea what the two were talking about, but the Big Empty sounded bad. Like crazy brains in jars bent of world domination and the good guy is an insane puppetmaster who was too scatterbrained to remember that he was a genius bad.

“Point taken. Now can we figure out what we're going to do about our money situation?” Taylor wasn't the most eloquent man in the Mojave, and he knew he was likely to draw a huge tourist markup. The didn't exactly have the amount to purchase the needed supplies their trip to Helios One would likely consume.

“Trixie could put on a show for the town.” The showmare's companions immediately put on a sour expression. It wasn't because the magician wasn't capable of putting on a decent show, it was just the lack of knowledge on how the locals would react to magic. If Jay and Taylor were resistant to the point of near negation, then the natives of this world might receive magic in the form of harmful radiation.

“We're going to need more than that.” Lyra rubbed a hoof under her chin in thought, which did little more than make her look stupid because that removed one of her legs from the equation. While she was stumped even as the motley crew walked into Novac, inspiration struck the two human in the form of Frank Sinatra. Taylor was the first to say something.

“You know, I've always liked Come Fly With Me.”

Hanger Neighteen

It wasn't two days later that I was in Canterlot, going through one of Celestia's other pet projects. While I liked the name Hangar Neighteen, the fact that no aircraft were housed within made me angrier than it should have. Celestia had forbidden the Elements from going to the Badlands, but Luna had volunteered to escort Chrysalis and I to our destination. Jay would be arriving shortly before we were to leave, but wouldn't actually be fighting Arachni's personal guard. That was a nice little rule Karapass had told me about, and it was just the kind of rule I liked.

The prospective Grand Matrons could only use equally-sized groups in combat to determine which broodmother would inherit the title, meaning I could fight Arachni's toughest guy and no one else had to risk their lives. Granted, she could have a dragon with her, and I am not the Dovahkiin by any means. Thankfully, armor was allowed for species that didn't have such natural protection, so Celestia was finding something for me to wear in the event I was fighting a baby Godzilla. This was probably going to be in the form of royal guard armor, but I never have looked good in gold. Silver, on the other hand, is an entirely different story.

I packed up by duffel bag with all the goodies I found, and it was worth the weight for all I snagged. Cables, batteries, even part of an old computer I just found gathering dust, anything and everything I could fit inside the bag went in. I have no idea what I was going to use the bits for, but I knew it would be handy at some point. Until then, the parts can gather dust elsewhere but still in easy reaching distance in the event I needed them. Applejack's barn had some open space as I recall.

The Hangar's door led into a castle hallway, completely different from the room's interior. Pocket dimensions were funky like that, but I had no time to dwell on such things as I made my way to the barracks. I needed to see Shining Armor about something important, and it unfortunately involved him and his family. The guards gave me and my pony-sized bag the right of way; none of them wanted anything to do with the trouble I was likely up to. I found the blue-maned stallion filing something away, his back was turned as I approached.

“Armor, I need a favor.” Calling someone by their last name was a habit of mine, females and Jay being the only real exception. Sadly, calling me by my surname hadn't caught on in Equestria, no thanks to my flute-playing friend’s continuous use of it.

“How in Equestria are you that quiet?” The captain bumped his head against his filing cabinet when he jumped at my voice. You'd think a guy like him would be dangerous to sneak up on, and you'd be right. I don't even want to know what he could do with those forcefields he makes. The young officer looked at me patiently. Remember when I said Jay and I were the youngest in our group? Well, Shining Armor was in the area of twenty-eight, give or take a year or two. Still, you'd be surprised how many ponies think Jay and I are in our fifties; they're not quite sure how long humans live, so the naturally assume it's a while. “Anyway, what do you need?”

“Listen, this is going to sound weird, but I need to borrow your wife for about a week.” I got the reaction I expected. The unicorn looked at me like I needed to be committed to a mental institution, just because he's right doesn't mean it's for the right reasons. It probably also had something to do with my new romance, because I could almost feel the displeasure he felt at Chrysalis and I coming back to Canterlot. “Relax, Luna's playing chaperone for our trip to the Badlands.”

“You're asking to take my wife to the very center of changeling activity?” Armor's sentence was more of a statement than a question. The captain looked like he was both angry and confused, much like the time I explained the structure of time to Twilight. But this was more about keeping a spouse safe rather than the troubles of academia. “Are you insane?”

“Yes, but that's neither here nor there.”

$%$%$%$%$%$%

“Cadence, good to see you again.” Chrysalis was very uncomfortable talking to the loving alicorn, if only because she felt awkward around her previous prisoner. The insectoid pony kicked at the ground as the pink mare acknowledged her.

“Oh, hello Chrysalis, glad to see you back in Canterlot.” While the wedding was still a sore subject, Cadence felt no ill-will towards the dethroned queen. If anything, the young alicorn felt bad for her. As the Princess of Love, she could only imagine how horrible it must have been for the changeling to lose her children; she certainly knew how terrible it felt to even think about something like that. But as much as the former babysitter thought about the queen as she approached, something seemed different about her, in a good way. “How have you been?”

“Just fine, how about you?” A small smile was permanently affixed to Chrysalis's mouth, tiny enough that many ponies would have missed it. A slight spring in her step and lilt in her voice alerted Cadence to the fact that something very nice had happened while the queen had been staying in ponyville. Put simply, the changeling was acting similar to how she'd been when taking the princess hostage.

“Great, but I think you've been enjoying yourself more than me.” At the very least, Chrysalis's stint in Ponyville had been less stressful than Cadenza’s time in Canterlot. The larger mare giggled at the thought, thinking there was no possible way for the Princess of Love to know what was going on. She was sadly disappointed to learn otherwise. “Does Taylor know you're seeing somepony? That's something you have to keep the inquisitor alerted to, you know.”

“Of course Taylor knows, it'd be awkward if he didn't.” Chrysalis had actually forgotten about that clause in her pardon. If she found a source of love, she had to report it in order for it to be managed at a low output, far below what would be needed to defeat the princesses or Elements. A small smile spread across the pink alicorn's features as understanding took hold of the changeling broodmother. “How did you figure out Taylor and I were together?”

“Trust me, Chrissy, I know these things.” Cadenza winked at the older magic user, a small chuckle escaped her as she thought about everything that led up to the present moment. Both members if the new couple would have killed somepony for even mentioning the possibility a month ago, yet here they were. “Now, let's go let my husband know I'll be in the Badlands for a few days.”

“Pony, you scare me sometimes.”

$%$%$%$%$%$%

“Luna, I trust you're going to enjoy your trip?” Celestia was actually very worried about Taylor and Chrysalis, and hoped her sister would be able to watch over them. Karapass had visited shortly before going to Ponyville and explained everything to the two princesses. The relatively young ruler had brought the rules and etiquette of the fight to the alicorns' attention, seemingly for Taylor's benefit. For some odd reason the Grand Matron had taken a shine to the teenager, something that was odd for such a creature. Having no need for social ties, the changeling hives were strangely active in their areas, and more often than not had the community's interests at heart.

“Of course, Tia, Taylor's not going to die on my watch.” Luna said that like killing the human would be easy, despite everything that had happened to him pointing to the exact opposite. In reality, the dark blue pony was looking forward to watching the Burned Man do battle, her previous entertainment of Jay and Blueblood being cut off by her sister. “We'll take the utmost care not to harm any future relations with the changelings.”

“It would be very bad for Arachni to become Grand Matron; at least Chrysalis has a reason not to hate Equestria.” Cheating was out of the question, at least the sort of cheating that could be caught. The golden armor Celestia was having made for the teenager would hopefully prevent much of the damage that he could potentially take, but only f its enchantments would hold up against his nullifying presence. “When Jay arrives, you five need to board the train to Draconia.”

$%$%$%$%$%$%

“Oh Christ, I am so sorry!” Jay was trying to placate four fillies, quite the task for one such as himself. It didn't help that he was standing in the charred remains of the Cutie Mark Crusaders' clubhouse. It wasn't even his fault, just the stupid lamp the foals had broken earlier. They called the human to extinguish the resulting fire, if only because Applejack had no idea the children had an oil lamp in the wooden treehouse. The flautist noticed the group's unicorn having a slight twitch in her lower lip. “Sweetie, don't cry.”

“B-but our c-clubhouse is ruined!” The white filly was about to start squalling, a noise Jay had only heard once before, and he knew he wanted noting to do with it again. Tears welled in her eyes, and there was only one thing the human could do to avoid losing his hearing.

“If you don't cry, I'll take you all on an adventure!” This got the group's collective attention. Even Applebloom's cousin, Babs, seemed to be interested. As much as Jay hated the orange filly's accent, at least she hadn't felt the need to say much. But, there had to be the one member of the group that ruined it for everyone else.

“But Jay, won't Applejack be mad at us?” As much as the flautist liked the yellow pony, the goody two-shoes was too nice for her own good. Luckily, he had a solution for this.

“Shut up and get in my backpack.”

$%$%$%$%$%$%
Extra – You Gotta Shoot 'em in the Head

“Zombie!” Lyra was shouting as she used Taylor's revolver, despite being told they were technically still living humans, just terribly mutated. Being described as people that didn't have the good fortune to die as a puddle of liquifying tissues and soft bones, the two ponies only felt pain for their plight. That helped them kill them, only if it meant releasing them form eternal torment. One of the rotting men ran at the teal mare as she reloaded, only for its head to pop like a ripe melon. For someone that claimed to be nearsighted, Taylor was lethal with that rifle. “Trixie, look out!”

“I see it!” A sharp rock pierced the feral mutant's heart as the magician launched more stone projectiles, preferring natural solutions over machined weaponry. That was a lie, she just wanted to feel like a badass. One of the ghouls ran through the line, bypassing the mares and Jay as it ran towards the larger human, some sort of instinct compelling it to exit the hunting rifle's effective range. “Taylor, heading your way!”

An old, wooden butt slammed into the rotten mutant's face as the teen ducked under its clawed hands. With the .308 slung over his shoulder, Taylor was ready to fight the durable mutant at extremely close range. A right hook slammed into the ghoul's crooked jaw as it ripped into the young adult's shirt. Two large hands gripped the old creature's skeletal head as the southern gentleman brought his knee into the center of the ghoul's face. Taylor grabbed one of the abomination's arms and rotated it so the elbow faced skyward. The genius bruiser brought his own arm down on the joint, extending it far beyond anything it would normally face. The impact shattered the ulna and shoved the radius from its hold.

In that same second, a boot slammed into the unfortunate soul's chest. As the ghoul stumbled to right itself, a bullet blew through its skull. The walking corpse took a one step, then fell in death, finally achieving peace after an unknown amount of time. Jay's varmint rifle didn't even shake as he held it; killing a human may be difficult, but the person that ghoul once was had died a long time ago. Still, there was an exhausting atmosphere about the RepCon facility. Taylor chambered a new round, making sure to pocket the spent cartridge to reload later. The group's unofficial leader took a step towards the derelict building.

“Let's pay Bright a visit.”

LEVEL UP
Allotting Skill Points... Done

Allotting Perks... Done

Perks Added: Jay – Fortune Finder – Chance of finding caps in containers significantly increased. Cheapskate.

Taylor – Friend of the Night – Eyes quickly adapt to low-light conditions at night and indoors. Sneaky sneaky.

Trixie – Spec. Cannon – Unarmed attack replaced with a silent, high critical-chance energy blast. Your enemies just won't know where they went wrong!

Lyra – Anthropologist – 10% damage increase against humans, allows for special dialogue when dealing with hyper-intelligent apes. May or may not result in strange sitting posture.

I'm Running Out of Puns for the Queens' Names

Have I mentioned I'm not a fan of travel? Oh, I have? Well, my opinion hasn't changed in the least. The rhythm of the rails provided an odd lullaby that sapped my concentration while nervousness filled the core of my being. Draconia was still a fair bit away, but we would arrive in the Badlands in about an hour. Chrysalis passed the time by resting her head on my shoulder, snoozing the train ride away. Jay and Cadenza also slept the trip off, while Luna and I had a unique method of passing the time.

“Focus.” The alicorn held a cup aloft, her magical aura suspended the drinking glass about a foot off the tabletop. The exercise was rather simple, really, and the two of us came upon the idea using logic and a fair amount of guesswork. I concentrated on the empty glass, trying to extend my mind to the levitating bit of melted sand. With any luck, the nullifying field humans emitted would also react to mental stimulation, perhaps granting precision control over active magic and enchantments. Even if it worked, which I doubted it would, I would only be able to stop unicorns from casting but be unable to actually use magic myself.

I felt the same half-headache the statue gave me during our first meeting. I focused my attention and every ounce of mental energy I had. The headache intensified tenfold, going from a dull throb to a burning pain as I concentrated all thought on the floating glass. A slight pressure built in the forefront of my mind, akin to the tense of a finger pressing into a balloon, except the force was from within. The feeling fizzled out just as quickly as it appeared, but the small progress gave me no consolation. I was aware that innovation must take small steps before it can leap, but the possible uses of controlled anti-magic were too great to ignore. Sadly, it was unlikely that I would have even a rudimentary proficiency, given the constraints of time.

“Well, given what I could do before, I'd say we've had massive improvement.”

$%$%$%$%$%$%

We got off the train at Nova, a small border town. The place was a trade hub, and far from what I'd expected when it came to the changeling homeland. The Badlands were named appropriately, to be sure, but there were still plenty of habitable areas to be found. Still, the place reminded me more of downtown Detroit than a merchant town. But, then again, there wasn't much difference between the two.

“We need to get to Grove Avenue, Mom'll meet us there.” Chrysalis was wearing the same disguise Karapass had used during our meeting. This was probably a completely cultivated individual, or maybe some celebrity that used to be relevant. Either way, the red pegasus mare was a visual signal that this was a changeling. It might also have been a specific disguise only queens were allowed to use, which seemed oddly conventional for a species of shapeshifters. Oddly enough, our group didn't attract even the smallest of curious glances.

“Why do I get the feeling eyes are upon us?” I specified curious looks; sinister ones were still fair game. I looked through the large crowds, searching for any sign of a stalker's gaze. Sadly, my hood obscured my peripheral vision too much to accurately estimate the feeling's source.

“My sisters are likely watching every incoming train for us.” Chrysalis said that like she wouldn't do the same. Then again, I knew she probably wouldn't. Actually, you'd probably be surprised by how much I knew about her. Despite the possibility of ambush, or at least what I perceived as such, we kept following the cloaked queen through Nova's winding streets. At times, I almost forgot that Chrysalis was over fourfold my age. “Thorax is probably the Hive's eyes and ears right now, probably as much for our protection as the locals'.”

“Is your mother expecting trouble?” Cadence had been unusually quiet during the trip, even before she fell asleep. The question was genuine though, and was undoubtedly shared by the rest of us, except, maybe for Chrysalis. The dethroned queen was really our only source of information regarding changelings, so she was the sole person that knew exactly how underhanded and devious her species could be.

“No, but it's a habit for us to keep our eyes open around here.” Right, the whole species still had to live in the shadows, the whole emotional parasite thing coming back and biting them in the ass. Contrary to popular belief, changelings do not actually receive sustenance from love, rather, they convert it to stored energy they can later use to boost their magic. Kind of like love batteries, if you think about it enough. If batteries could kidnap your loved ones to charge themselves on your affection and possibly lay waste to cities, the comparison is fairly easy to make.

“This seems rather complex, would it not be easier to just use the sewers?” Luna had no idea how awesome secret bases worked. Sewage systems may have been find and dandy for common crooks and such, but real evildoers had a flair for the dramatic. Not that Karapass was evil or anything. Honestly, I didn't have enough knowledge to pass any real judgment on her. At a cursory glance, we were much alike, but that would be a problem in any extended contact.

“Sewers are so cliché, you need something cool. Twenty bits says it's a giant cave system with hot springs or something like that.” Jay said his first words of the trip. I should have been suspicious when he was silent, but there had been more pressing issues on my mind at the time.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

Queen Arthroa, mother of the Draconia Hive, was giddy as her drones relayed her youngest sister's arrival. She and Chrysalis hadn't been very close growing up, what with the former being over two-hundred when the latter was born and all, but it was still nice to see family again. But, as happy as the broodmother was to see her sibling, she was just as amazed at her entourage. Two humans that walked like outlanders and two Equestrian princesses accompanied the youngest of Karapass's daughters, but it was unknown to the changeling if this was a move meant to scare Arachni into surrender.

“Did you get the message as well?” Queen Chorion was the twelfth-oldest of the Grand Matron's brood, sired by a barbarian that shouted praises to a dead god. Thankfully, she took after his softer side, though she still had his tempter. The elder sister was also one of the kinder hivequeens, and the one most thought would inherit Karapss's title. Being the mother of a hive that pioneered in many sciences, she was very interested in the magic-nulls her sister arrived with. But, one of her scouts had indicated the smaller human was adapting and even passively emitting a small signature of magic while the larger was actively negating any spells within a yard of him. Chorion chalked it up to unstable genes or a tendency to mutate, perhaps even an evolutionary drive that made them adapt to the local biology.

“Oh yes, I'm so happy Chrissy's back in one piece.” Arthora was also intrigued by the bipeds, but kept the curiosity to herself much better than her older sibling. While every queen had a reverence for the Grand Matron and the Deceiver as guardians of their species, sacrificing one of their own to fulfill an ancient prophecy too old to be clearly remembered didn't seem like the best idea to the relatively younger queen. It seemed to work out well, though, so there was that bit of good news. Xerox, the drone that had initially seen the group, had mentioned a certain spring in the youngest matriarch’s step, a certain hitch in her giddy-up. Either way, it appeared she had attracted the romantic interests of at least one of the humans and possibly the two alicorns with her.

“I wonder how Arachni is going to take this.”

$%$%$%$%$%$%
Extra – Bright Lights, Running Ghouls

“Who was the guy on the intercom?” Trixie kept her voice as low as possible, trying to avoid alerting the feral ghouls that inhabited the rotting building. She had even gotten over her fear of corpses enough to huddle behind a dead nightkin for cover.

“Dunno, said he wanted to see us.” Taylor lied without effort, fully knowing who was on the other end of that metal box. He actually couldn't recall the man's name, but he did know the former dweller of Vault 34 suffered delusions of ghoulhood. The teen was the only member of the group able to navigate with any clarity, due to his enhanced night vision and sensitive ears, thus making him the crew's unofficial guide. The rifle-toting human fingered his weapon's trigger, keeping the high-caliber problem-solver ready for anything.

The four moved quietly through the RepCon building, though Jay and Taylor had to carry the ponies on their backs to avoid clopping sounds. A roamer almost alerted the rest of the pack to their presence, but was silenced by a large wrench bashing his skull in. The sound of a head breaking coupled with the scent of fresh blood sent the ferals into a frenzy. The two humans agreed upon their original plan and ran as quickly as they could to the stairway that lead to the Bright Brotherhood's temporary locale. The flautist dropped his only grenade as he sprinted, knowing the ghouls were too stupid to avoid the anti-personnel weapon.

The frag went off in the middle of the pack, sending blood and gore in every possible direction. Those not caught in the primary shrapnel path were tossed by the pressure wave or their fellow shuffle-steppers. The few that survived did their best to get on their feet, but three firearms would do their damnedest to prevent that. It didn't matter the caliber, every bullet helped rid the world of one more abomination. Jay, Lyra, and Taylor kept their fire until the attacking ghouls had found peace in oblivion, while Trixie contacted Chris.

The foursome immediately entered the unlocked room.

$%$%$%$%$%$%
Right, so here's what's currently possible for the spin-off, but everything can be changed with sufficient feedback and reasoning. Feel free to request or suggest whatever you wish.

Arctic planet for Equusian settlement

Combined forces of Imperial Guard Regiment/Space Marine Chapter(Chapter undecided) against either Tyranids or Eldar (possibly both) either on planet or in local system

Space travel and multiple planets, likely fighting against multiple enemies

At least one venture into the Eye of Terror

I Think the Extra is Longer Than the Actual Update

Few things in life compared to seeing the massive sprawl that was the central hive. Through the massive window overlooking the city – yes, city – square, I could see thousands, possibly a million changelings going about their appointed duties. With each individual a part of the hivemind, they only gained the ability to reason when in large groups, with praetorians functioning as a means of boosting the mental capabilities of other brood members.. Just think organic Geth with a little Tyranid synapse thrown in for taste and you're not far off.

“This place is huge.” Jay wasn't the most eloquent man on Equus, but he managed. The other members of our group agreed, though Chrysalis and I were silent on the subject. I playfully elbowed the queen in the ribs, not hard enough to hurt, but sufficiently firm to offer some comfort. In truth, I was worried for my life and her emotional state. The broodmother gave me a small smile before returing her gave to a large building at the cavern's far end. “Check out the giant church.”

“The Deceiver's Chapel, he built that as his final miracle. According to legend, he used only his mind.” We jumped at the voice. It held the same lilt as Chrysalis's, but sounded worlds different. The new queen had a pinkish mane styled in a pixie cut, with her tail being the same shade. The newcomer shot me a pensive look, clearly unsure why I was wearing a hooded cloak and had bandages covering the lower part of my face and neck. The older hivemother looked at her younger sister.“I believe introductions are in order.”

“Everyone, this is Chorion.” Chrysalis motioned to the older queen as she pressed against my side. Whether this was a gesture of dominance or possession was unclear, but it was obviously intended to show the newcomer that I was off limits. “Chorion, these are Taylor, Jay, Princess Luna, and Princess Cadence.” The dethroned matriarch motioned to each of us in turn, as though Luna and Cadenza didn't go without saying, but perhaps it was merely to avoid confusion.

“The Burned Man and Pyromaniac? Pupae mentioned what happened in the Borderlands.” There was an almost approving look in the broodmother's eyes as she said that, though what qualities she found attractive in the actions was a mystery. The bandages gave me away as the infamous mercenary, and Jay's flamer tanks did nothing to conceal his identity. “I suppose the two of you will be fighting?”

“I'll be taking on Arachni's finest, personally.” Whether the bravado in my voice was natural confidence or my own overcompensation, I had no idea. Still, someone my size saying something that amounted to a claim of badassery was an impressive sight to any unaccustomed to such things. However, I was dealing with a creature that was centuries old, so the effect was somewhat diminished.

“I hope you really are as tough as Pupae says.”

$%$%$%$%$%$%

Self reflection was one of the many techniques Karapass utilized in her efforts to quicken the passage of time. Such meditation made dealing with the millions of minds that were melded with her own infinitely easier, but it also gave her some basic sensory feedback from the multitude of drones and warriors that comprised the grand hive. She knew exactly when her youngest daughter and her friends arrived in Nova, her chitinous features quickly warped into an expression of glee and sorrow as the situation's gravity took hold. The exalted matriarch liked Taylor, she really did, and it would be more than painful if she watched the teenager die, even if it would be in honorable combat.

The Grand Matron was also aware that she hadn't been the only one to noticed the group's arrival. While her daughters were beacons than shone like infernos in a sea of candles, she could not read their thoughts while they were connected to Karapass's hivemind. She could, however, intercept any messages being sent from her grandchildren, giving her a clear perception of her brood's intentions. It was almost surprising that Arachni was feeling just as scared about communion as Chrysalis was, even if they had different reasons for fearing the outcome. Even as the exalted matriarch sat on her lavishly decorated throne, she couldn't help but feel humbled by the sheer reach of this event.

From far behind her, Karapass could feel something extremely old and equally cunning. It was a psychic signature that hadn't been tangible in centuries. The Grand Matron could only remember one time she was touched by the inordinately powerful mind, and her memory had corroded a bit after a full millennium, but she distinctly recalled feeling the psychic presence at her coronation ceremony. Thinking back, it was easy to recognize the living relic for what it was, given how traumatizing it was to see. But Karapass supposed such things were meant to be difficult, otherwise they would become commonplace.

With a halfhearted growl, the Grand Matron returned her attentions to the door to her throne room.

$%$%$%$%$%$%
Preview from I Frakking Hate You(Title in Progress)

“Are you sure you've perfected this technology?” Princess Celestia had asked me the same question no less than a thousand times in the past two years. It wasn't like we had much of an option, given Equus's exponential increase in natural disasters and all that. Sadly, this desperate measure was our last possible effort, taking the combined efforts of every species, nation, and tribe of the near-virgin world to make it happen. Scavenging bits and bobs from various stores and caches left by ancient and recent human visitors,we managed to construct the Arks. While the actions taken to build the massive colony ships was wholly secular and scientific in nature, the proportions and scale of the project was biblical.

“For the umpteenth time, yes.” While the original FTL gun was never recovered, I had been able to rebuild the technology with no small amount of difficulty. After building and outfitting our fleet with the faster-than-light devices, we had nearly stripped the planet bare. It would be uninhabitable anyway, but there was something incredibly depressing about leaving the peaceful world to crumble under its own seismic instability. “We only need to engage our main drive, every other ship will follow our lead. With any luck, we'll only be stuck in artificial gravity for a few Equusian weeks.”

The unspoken consequence being death if we failed to find a habitable world before we exhausted our food supplies. Nevertheless,with a few choice button-presses, the Tenacity of Life sent power to the engines and FTL drive, the programming of every other vessel in the fleet made the smaller ships follow suit. After an agonizing wait of twelve minutes and thirty-eight seconds, the massive spacecraft tore a hole in fabric of reality.

It goes without saying that it ended much like my last experience with breaking the rules of nature.

$%$%

The Warp shuddered. Uncountable multitudes of sentient organisms died every Terran standard day. Such influx of souls was undoubtedly a result of the eternal wars raging across the Milky Way. Whether worlds were being invaded or defended, it mattered no to the Immaterium, and it mattered even less to its inhabitants. The foul demons and Warp-addled Chaos worshipers rejoiced at the eternal slaughter, seeing each and every gruesome death and horrific pain, all the grim destruction and brilliant tactics as offerings to their dark masters. But even as the Chaos gods fed off the emotions of the souled, there were threats even they could not turn back.

Across the galaxy, ancient tombs opened and spewed their eternal nightmares forth. The Necrons would wipe all life from the Milky Way, down to the smallest of single-celled organisms, and permanently sever the Warp from realspace. On even greater worlds, the faithful and heroic of mankind raised their arms and banners to slay the mutant, the heretic, and the witch in the name of the Immortal God-Emperor. The enigmatic and cunning Eldar played against the Ruinous Powers at every turn, hurling tides of manipulated enemies against any and all that threatened their dying race. The simple and brutish Orks were innumerable and scattered across countless world, more than capable of destroying every other intelligent species in the galaxy if they combined their forces, and each was ready to fight anything that reared its ugly and un-Orky head.

All of this failed to compare to the Great Devourer that drifted ever-closer the the Milky Way's edge. The massive Hive Mind of the Tyranids, extra-galactic horrors that existed only to consume all life on ever planet they came across, was an near-unstoppable engine of war capable of blocking out the Warp with its sheer psychic power. With hungry jaws clamping down on the Warp's only refuge, it was almost enough for Tzeentch to miss a flicker of foreign life in the northern end of the Segmentum Obscurus.

Almost.

Author's Note

I still need a title, a name for the taiga planet, and a name for the Hive Fleet.
No biggy, but I'm always open to suggestions.
That means, as always, give me ideas

Alligator Blood can Destroy Many Bacteria and Viruses

“Hello again, Karapass.” It was strange to see the Grand Matron seated on an obsidian throne, but everyone has their own preferences. Most unusual was the ancient's form, but it was likely justified with her being so old. While Chrysalis and the other queen's had small facial plates, much of Karapass's head was wrapped in chitin, locking it into a fierce expression.

“Yes, it's good to see you in one piece.” She smiled slightly when she said that, I think. It's really hard to tell with her facial chitin is fused together like that. I also noticed she only referred to me, hinting at some possible hostility or unease around the other of our group. Still, it was good that she was meeting new people, in any event. “I take it the two of you found your trip adequate for your tastes?”

“Of course.” Luna spoke to the old, or would young work in this case?, changeling like they knew each other. They had spoken at least once before, I was sure of it, but there wasn't exactly much for me to go on. “I'm thankful you let us accompany Taylor and Chrysalis, it means a lot to the three of us.”

“Speak for yourself, I just came to watch Taylor kill something.” Jay was as tactful as always. It did not escape my notice, as it surely did one or two of the others, but there was a distinct gasp from within my friend's backpack. I would be sure to ask about that as soon as we were done here; I very clearly recognized the voice as Applebloom's.

“Be that as it may, forty-eight hours remain until the duel, so I suggest you make yourself at home.” Right about then, I could tell Karapass was glad Chrysalis had picked me. Maybe she didn't like the thought of the Pyromaniac courting her youngest daughter, but I wasn't that much of a step up, to be honest. Scratch that, it probably had to do with the horror stories out of the Borderlands more than his general immaturity, because that was a trait we shared. “Please look around and visit our shops and landmarks.”

“You have your own economy down here?” I had figured they just went to Nova for their trade needs, but it seemed I was wrong. It was a fair mistake, to be honest, but there was just a certain security that came form a self-sufficient market.

“Yes, our main export happens to be cosmetics.” After hearing Chrysalis say that, I felt too much of a temptation to avoid the obvious joke.

“They're not tested on animals, are they?” Jay laughed like I expected, but that was by far the most animated response the jest received. Karapass's stoic face became even flatter, defying the physical laws of the universe to make her appear even less amused than her fused chitin allowed. “What? It's an honest question.”

$%$%$%$%$%$%

“You don' think they've found us, do ya?” Applebloom was panicking, especially after she gasped when violence was mentioned. She'd only seen Taylor a few times, but she got the impression he was a scary man with sensitive ears. He probably already knew she and her fellow crusaders were hiding out in Jay's backpack.

“Psh, no way; those guys're neva gonna figure it out.” Babs had her own accent, one the farm's flautist found enraging, but she still managed to whisper low enough for the human not to hear. Besides, the Manehatten native wasn't scare of any changeling or their pet human. It didn't matter that the golden orange filly had seen the larger teen and Big Macintosh scrap once. That didn't end well for the red stallion. Or the table they were near.

“This is awesome!” Scootaloo was excited about the adventure, even if she was stuffed in a backpack that smelled like old socks. Actually, that was probably because her face was buried in an old sock, or what looked like one. “We're like spies on a mission to enemy territory.”

“Quiet! They might hear you.” Sweetie Belle hated being the group's unofficial voice of reason specifically for cases like this. It seemed that every other week, the Cutie Mark Crusaders somehow found their way into a dangerous situation that could have been otherwise avoided by proper application of logic and common sense.

“Who might hear you?” The new voice had a purr to it, not the sound a cat makes when it has a mouse by the tail. It was obviously Chorion, back to see the group to their rooms. With a slight ruffling of the bag and the tingle of changeling magic, the four fillies were deposited on a soft bed. The Cutie Mark Crusaders looked at the relatively towering queen in fear. However, the scary monster had plans that were far from what the children were terrified of, quite the opposite, really. “Aren't you just the sweetest things!”

“What?” Scootaloo managed that much before the foursome was wrapped in a crushing embrace by the centuries-old insectoid mare. Maternal instinct was still prevalent in the changeling species, and seeing the four adorable fillies was too much for Chorion's mind to take. At least the CMC had nothing to fear from the other queens or their journey anymore.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

“Forty-eight hours.” I repeated the phrase for the umpteenth time that day as I paced in the room Chrysalis and I would share for the duration of our stay in the grand hive. It wasn't that I was scared, far from it, I just had a sinking feeling in my gut that something was going to go horribly wrong in the near future. I had taken the time to shed my armor, if only to allow my skin some contact with the open air. It was all I could do to calm my fraying nerves. “Forty-eight hours until I have to kill someone I've never met.”

“This isn't going to be a repeat of Cuatla.” Chrysalis had already started to lie down, her dark form barely registering above the black quilt that covered our large bed. She understood my situation as best she could, even knowing why I was averse o sleeping at the moment. A visit from the statue would be detrimental, and for my sanity's sake, I could not risk troubling myself with it. “You've had a rough couple of days.”

“I hope I haven't been to difficult to get along with.” I took a seat next to the dethroned queen, running a hand through her mane as I went. It was a calming gesture for both of us, but it sadly did more for me than her. “It's just... tough, thinking about the fight, I mean.”

“Humans are social creatures, Taylor; I'd be more worried if you were looking forward to the bloodshed.” She had a point. Besides, I had forty-eight hours to think about it and prepare. However, I'll be the first to admit that I did feel a tad anxious about the duel, and not in the bad way. The killing wasn't what I was hoping to for, if only because the acts of violence would be enough to knock me down to regular life again.

“I suppose you're right.” I took the spot next to her, stretching out as much as I could. My thoughts briefly turned to my attempts at psychic manipulation, the possible applications for it. I'm nothing too special, so it stood to reason that anyone could learn the skill, once I had the technique mastered enough to understand how it worked. At the very least, I wanted to project the negation field at will, and be able to specify where it went. The exercise had left my mind tired and strained, a terrible contrast against my physical self. My muscles twitched at even the slightest provocation, and the need for some depressant to stay my errant nerves until they calmed was pressing.

Luckily for me, I knew someone with a natural remedy.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

Dammit. I did not want to be in the cathedral again, but now pieces were starting to fall into place. I recognized the marble's grain and color from the solid walls of the Deceiver's Chapel, which left me with little worry about the statue's identity. The faceless thing sat on its golden throne, the chessboard still set the way we left it. The stalemate would have to wait, because I wanted nothing more than to return to the waking world. The smug prick gestured to a stool that materialized from thin air, much faster than anything it'd created in the past.

Despite being told the Deceiver was human, I can't imagine any member of my species living for tens of thousands of years and still maintaining some semblance of his or her old self. The masked thing seemed to laugh, or at least its body shook like it was. An armored hand went up to the border of the black and white of it's full-faced helmet, finding a hidden seam that would have been impossible to find were it not familiar with the suit. Finger gripped at the mask's bottom, lifting it from a face that likely hadn't seen the sun in centuries. Black slime dripped from the rapidly opening shell as an inhuman howling filled the church's still air.

Right about then I woke up without so much as a sound.

John Tyler, Tenth President of the United States, has two Living Grandchildren

Chrysalis was sleeping snug against me, as I had been before my dreams were so rudely interrupted by the Deceiver's residual psychic energies. That was the only plausible explanation for this nonsense. No one can live for so long and remain alive, so the massive reserves of power he had were merely manifesting in my own mind as dreams. It only made sense for a powerful shaman to be able to affect the mind of a budding psychic, but I knew I was grasping at straws. As much as I hated it, I rose from the large bed, placing my shirt by Chrissy's face so she wouldn't notice I wasn't there and wake up.

Dressed in only my pants and cloak, I made my way to the chapel gardens. Luminescent plants were grown and displayed here, and a particularly beautiful species of flower shined the same shade of electric green that was characteristic of changeling blood. If that... thing from my nightmares was such a great man to build this place and educate the natives, why the fuck was he so intent on torturing me. Maybe he wanted me to run, trying to warn me that my duel would result in my death. Or maybe he just got his jollies on watching me squirm. The humid gardens provided enough moisture to make me forget that I was in a massive hive long enough to go off on a mental tirade.

“The sanguinary rose catch your eye?” A new voice caught me off guard, but I could tell it was one of Chrysalis's sisters that I had yet to meet. The newcomer had a bright blue mane and tail, and her eyes were a more muted green than any changeling I'd seen so far. Another fact that caught me off guard was that she was treating me like anyone else, nothing like the other queens had done with their celebrity act. “It tends to be rather intriguing for outlanders.”

“I suppose it did draw my attentions, if only slightly.” Something about this one was... off in some small way, but not enough to clearly pinpoint the strange trait that marked her as different from her kin. “You know, Arachni, I felt the same about your sister when I first met her.”

“How did you guess my name?” The older queen was slightly surprised, given that there were still seventeen queens that I had yet to meet, not including her. Of course, she knew the answer to that question, even if she wanted to hear me actually say it. I could only sense a slight hint of malice coming from the insectoid broodmother; she was probably attached to her champion, making things very awkward for me. That didn’t mean I was going to be merciful or anything, but it made me slightly uncomfortable that she would be watching the two of us fight to the death. “Your a clever little thing; Chrysalis probably has this in the bag.”

“Why on Earth is every queen dreading this?” It really made no sense to me. The changeling hivemothers had very little binding them to their mother, the successor gained more than she lost. But, that left the fate of the other children of the previous Grand Matron unclear. “The one that inherits thew throne is supposed to kill the other queens, isn't she?”

“Not directly, no.” Arachni shook her head, and it was obvious that she didn't know everything about the subject. The queen's muted eyes glanced about the room as she gathered her thoughts, though it may have also been to check for eavesdroppers. Cloak and dagger aside, this subject was far too sensitive to be discussed in public, even if we were alone. “Just ask Chrysalis when you get back; I'm sure she's been planning to tell you soon, anyway.”

$%$%$%$%$%$%

Jay's afternoon had been less than stellar, to use the antiquated term. The Cutie Mark Crusaders had been kidnapped by Orion, or whatever the fuck her name was, and now he had some bitch drone flitting around his room at this godawful hour. It wasn't like the ones from Chrysalis's brood, not with a frilled crest like that, and its wings were too big for a changeling its size. In the flautist's opinion, its comparatively large wings made it look small, like a little fairy. This gave the relatively scrawny teen an idea.

“Hey, jackass in my room, what's your name?” This was not a time for tact, not for Jay and certainly not for any human that had delusions of sanity. The comically mismatched bug hovered in place for a few seconds before turning to face the human. This was the first time the Pyromaniac had seen the reverence the emotional vampires had for his species firsthand. “Come on, out with it.”

“Sorry, sir, but drones don't have individual designations.” The nameless servant tried to hide behind a nonexistent mane as its crest flattened against its head. Technically speaking, every member of the changeling species had a sex, but they were completely asexual unless their disguise called for intercourse. That meant that they were genderless in their own minds, what little intelligence they had when disconnected from the hive mind. Despite that particular individual having male reproductive structures, it felt no reason to use them, and barely remembered they possessed a function other than waste disposal.

“I'm calling you Tinkerbell.” The now-named changeling thought for a moment, not understanding the implications of the moniker. With a respectful nod, the drone returned to its appointed duties of tidying the teenager's room until it was spotless. Too bad there was a spot on the wall with a darker colored tone than the rest of the suite, making it impossible to clean without industrial chemicals that no one on Equus had the ability to produce. “Tinkerbell the Faggot Drone, that has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?”

“Indeed it does, sir.” Tinkerbell was feeling different than he usually did, a slight jolt down his spine reminded the changeling of his biological sex. Perhaps he would ask the Grand Matron about it when his job was completed, if it wouldn't be too far of him. Green magic wreathed his horn as Tinkerbell shook a bottle of air-freshener before giving a few spritzes of the stuff. Job completed, the drone turned to Jay and gave a humble bow, only to see a horrified look on the human's face as their eyes met.

“Why the fuck do you have a boner right now?”

$%$%$%$%$%$%

In the depths of the Deceiver's Chapel sat a throne that older than Celestia, tasked with a duty that would affect the entire planet if it failed. The golden metals that made the great machine never aged, never oxidized in the humid air of the grand hive. It was a remnant of a civilization long lost to the annals of history and ever-changing tides of reality. A set of armored fingers drummed a simple rhythm on the timeless surface. The device's creator reclined as everything it had worked so long for was finally coming together.

It had been simple, really, and the ancient felt things were ahead of schedule. From the very beginning, when the equines were just carving their niches from the untamed world, the immortal had been plotting the uplifting of every intelligent species that walked the planet. The changelings had been the easiest to manipulate, given their fascination with fancy lights and active camouflage. With a species so adept at espionage under control, it was easy to stick a few puppets around the planet. Plant a few misanthropic myths here, seed hero-worship there, and then the perfect environment for humanity to take the reigns was forged.

The ancient known as the Deceiver had seen many, many things in his eons of life. His exoskeleton had been the greatest extender of his life, granting him immortality when paired with his throne. It was nevertheless a piece of equipment he was more than willing to part with, should the right human come along to claim it. It was only by the barest if possibilities that the most recent outlanders to arrive on Equus were prone to mutation, granting gradually-increasing magical or psychic abilities as they spent time in this dimension. The phenomenon was fairly recent, appearing only in the past decade, but the effects were likely life-long for those that suffered the genetic changes.

It was nearly dawn, the time when that alabaster alicorn would rotate the planet for the day's duration. This meant twenty-four hours remained until the next Grand Matron would be crowned, and the Deceiver would come face to face with the human that built the fancy toy. The budding psychic might even prove strong enough to gaze at the immortal without suffered a, how would the young man put it?, headsplosion. Even if Taylor didn't win, the ancient would still have to transfer synapse control to a queen.

It was almost a shame the others in Karapass's brood would sicken and die over the next three hundred years while the successor would breed their replacements.

$%$%$%$%$%$%
Extra – Old World Blues and New World Hope

“Remind me why we're here.” Taylor peered through his binoculars, taking in the massive crater that was Big Mountain. Within this great facility were labs of every conceivable science, and it disgusted the teen that they were in the hands of the Think Tank. Mobius was alright, so were most of the other brains, but Klein could get fucked by a deathclaw. Living in the wastes for so long had turned the foursome into a fearsome fighting force, ready to take on the world. Jay was the one bitching about being dragged out to this place, but even he could see the value in getting the technology held within the massive facility.

“We're after the Transportalponder!, why else would we bother coming out here?” Lyra was unaware of anything Big Mountain contained. She and Trixie were aware of the inherent risk of being lobotomized, but there was an allure to going where no mare had gone before and all that nonsense. The green unicorn adjusted the air filter on her ponified t-51b as the showmare next to her did the same. A few pops in the distance proved that at least one other intelligent human or ghoul was in the Big Empty, and using a machine gun by the sound.

“Closure.” Taylor had been acting strange ever since they'd met a man with dreadlocks and a flag on his back. The assassin gave the crater one final sweep with his binoculars before descending the slope. For a guy wearing Enclave power armor, he was surprisingly agile. The three that followed looked at each other, with Trixie offering a few words before sliding after the human.

“He seriously needs to get laid.”

LEVEL UP
Allotting Skill Points... Done

Allotting Perks... Done

Perks Added:

Jay – Grim Reaper's Sprint – Killig an enemy in VATS now partially refills your Action Points. How the hell can you use VATS without a PipBoy?

Taylor – Heavy Weapons Expert – All Strength requirements for Guns, Energy Weapons, and Explosives is reduced by two. Looks like you aren't a little baby man.

Trixie – Bomber Mare – Your bombs have that extra little somethin'-somethin', increasing damage and blast radius by 35%. Alcohol and eyepatch not included.

Lyra – Xenophile – You deal with strangers in an incredibly gentle and endearing manner, making all first impressions 20% better for you and your companions. Looks like your only a fillyfooler for actual mares.

The Green Mile is the Only Movie to Ever Bring Manly Tears to my Eyes

Eating at the large table was rather awkward for everyone, considering the smell that wafted from Chrysalis and myself. Actually, I think Karapass was silently approving of what we did the previous night, which was alright, in a creepy kind of way. The humans, Jay included, were sitting at a smaller table, leaving me seated with Cadence and Luna at my sides. Chrysalis was across from me, next to an empty seat that Should have been occupied by Arachni. The honor of sitting with the queens was reserved for those fighting to determine the next Grand Matron, and any other guests of high status, explaining why alicorns were allowed.

There was a host of faces I didn't recognize, even without counting the humans and ponies that served our meal. I had only met three queens, and only two of them were present. Everyone else was looking over me in scrutiny, trying to find what made me stand out above the scores of human that inhabited Equus. About a dozen of them were from areas rumors of the Burned Man had been circulated, so they had a rough estimation of how he looked and that he was traveling with a changeling, so there was very little room for doubt. The wispy burn scars that wove around my neck didn't hurt, either. Maybe they were being polite, or maybe there was a genuine fear of me that prevented them from meeting my eyes.

I only had an effect on the ones under five hundred years of age; the others were simply too old to care. A particularly brave broodmother with yellow eyes looked at me for a brief instant, before the sound of a fork tapping glass captured my attention. It was Karapass, and she didn't look too happy. The exalted matriarch waited for everyone watch her before she spoke, building the tension nicely. I also thought I knew what this was about, but I still had hope.

“As you all know, tradition dictates champions must be allowed two days of respite before entering honorable battle.” Hope is the first step on the road to disappointment. Next to me, Luna stiffened in her seat, clearly worried about where the younger ruler was taking things. “It has come to my attention that Arachni's chosen wishes to speed things along, and has been in the armory since arriving.” Was I seriously about to get fucked over by some hot-blooded jackass with a death wish? Chrysalis shot me a worried look as she came to the same realization I had, so at least I wasn't cowering alone. “I am pained to say that the warrior's tradition has forced a jump in scheduling, and my meditations have shown this to be acceptable.”

Murmurs snaked through the gathered for the early breakfast. A number of queens looked to the reactions Chrysalis and I bore, only to be sorely disappointed. We remained stoic through receiving the message, which seemed to strike Chorion and Karapass as strange. To Cadence and Luna, we must have appeared insane or suicidal, but I had enough faith in them not to think so little of us. Calmly as possible, the two of us rose from the table and began our way to our suite. I almost expected Jay to get up and follow, but he was busy going to town on a stack of pancakes. They must have been pretty awesome.

The last thing I heard before leaving the dining room was the battle's time, so I had four hours to put on my kit and make ready for war.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

“Chorion sure is nice.” Scootaloo had heard a lot of bad things about changelings, even that one that lived in Ponyville. Come to think of it, the rumors sounded a bit like the wartime propaganda Miss Cheerilee had shown them from the war against the griffons about thirty years ago. That had been a weird history lesson.

“Yeah, but somethin's not right 'bout all this. Why did Jay bring us t' a changelin' hive?” Applebloom had spent the past several minutes pacing around the room, too restless to take advantage of the leisure suite. The yellow filly had talked to Chrysalis a few times, enough to know that only the queens had the pleasure of a foalhood, so it seemed likely that the Cutie Mark Crusaders were in the same nursery. “An' why's Taylor here, too? Don' he an' Chrys'lis have something to do back in Ponyville?”

“Relax, I'm sure they're just visiting the family. Rarity said something about them having some kinda unresolved tension, or something like that.” Sweetie Belle was once more the voice of reason, even if she was aware that there was a bit of a margin of error. The unicorn had a bit of curiosity regarding the hive, her curiosity sparked by the few glimpses she'd had of the massive, subterranean city. A knock on the door roused the group from their slight stupor of foalhood activities. It was Chorion, come to collect them as promised, to attend some sporting event that she hadn't explained.

“Come along, girls; your friends and princesses will be right there with us.” The doting queen seemed to have taken a liking to the four fillies, a phenomenon that lacked any logical source or cause beyond latent maternal instinct should she ever become the Grand Matron. It was a bit depressiong she would never have the chance to find out, given the lifespan she could expect after the start of the next regime.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

Armored fingers drummed against the ornate throne arm. The Deceiver sat restlessly on his artifact, nervous for the first time since the War of the Red Gem. The ancient even remembered the hero that saved Equestria back then. It was a real shame he returned to his home universe after all was said and done; he would have made a fair replacement for the immortal. Now the options were slimmed to almost nothing, making the decision nearly impossible for the analytical mastermind.

A timer appeared in the Deceiver's vision, a reminder of the new battle time. The tired man looked at himself, something he considered sinfully painful, if only because it forced him to think about everything that had transpired over the eons he'd spent away from home. As a stray thought, and a morbid curiosity, the man had his suit calculate how long he could survive when separated from his throne, provided he was still within his armor. It was a scant ten minutes, which was miraculous, given the fact he was over... how could he have forgotten his own age? Had it really been that long?

There was more to worry about than senility at this point. The golden throne might not work after the Deceiver's replacement, and that in itself might result in the entire changeling species's extinction. Shortly before beginning construction of the life-extending device, the artificial immortal had created the hivemind as it was today. It was simplicity itself to task the machine with maintaining the psychic network, but now the insectoids may have grown too reliant upon the global synapse. If the shock of transitioning between Grand Matrons was debilitating to any queen not inheriting the title, the ancient could only estimate what would happen if the system shut down. Given that even receiving the honor also inevitably killed the exalted matriarch, sudden death was the most merciful of the negative scenarios.

The Deceiver's wandering mind returned to it's razor focus as he felt Taylor approach the arena.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

Armor? Check.

Powersabre? Check.

Shepard-style pre-ending ~~romance~~ scene? Check.

Salve-soaked bandages for burns? Double check.

Preparations for a battle that's happening way too soon? As checked as possible, given the time frame.

“Walkin' the Mile, walkin' the Mile.” I repeated the phrase to myself at least a hundred times during my long trip down the corridor. It was oddly appropriate with the green stone that made the hall's floor. The powersabre clanked against my armor as I marched along, serving as a metronome to mark time. In the span of a few minutes, I was waiting at the pit gates, hoping for the battle to begin in time for me to enjoy what could be my last fight. Yeah, I was trying to apply my obscene taste for schedules to something I affectionately called my execution.

There was a tremble in the air, the roaring voices of a million mouths shouting and hollering in excitement. Such energy lifted my spirits even as oppression weighed heavily on my soul. My helmet was stifling, my blade cumbersome. The steel portcullis in front of me blocked the view of my opponent completely. My cloak concealed my armor from public view, hopefully giving me the element of surprise. The Imperial powersabre was on its medium setting, the gentle glow of its destructive energy provided no illumination for the dusky corridor, but served as a way for my newest enemy to see me exact location. In my off hand, a very special revolver awaited its chance for glory.

A lock came undone, and the portcullis began its slow ascent.

Author's Note

Alright, who/what is Arachni's fighter going to be?
And welcome to the new year

Jay: The Assassin's Creed Plot is Stupid

I was immediately blindsided by a wall of muscle and something sturdy. A flash of forest green filled my eyes for a brief moment, before a powerful blow to my armored gut knocked me fully off my feet. A rush of heat told me my cloak was now burning, not that it really mattered. My body was covered by bandages in every possible area, minus my nostrils and eyes for obvious reasons, just in case I would be fighting something that could breathe fire. It was nice to see my preparedness paying off for once. I rose to my feet shakily, eyes darting around as I threw off my burning cloak.

Nothing. Fucking nothing. I was alone in the pit, but I knew that was incorrect in that judgment. I kept pointing the revolver around, making sure my hidden enemy knew it was a ranged weapon. While I couldn't see my opponent, I could certainly feel him walking around the arena. I stood very still and slowed my breathing, dropping my pulse to decrease the amount of noise I had to filter. My target may have been invisible, but he also had claws, by the sound of it.

There was a series of small clicks every time he took a step, quiet enough that I needed to listen to hear them. I dashed towards the sound as the sequence began, and swung my powersabre as I saw the small ripple in the air. My blade made the tiniest of incisions as a powerful tail slammed into my head. My pistol and sword flew from my hands as I felt my neck pop. It wasn't until I hit the ground that I realized I’d been airborne. It didn't matter that my ears were ringing as I sat up, so long as I made my point. I was dizzy enough to sway a bit as I stood, so I may have had a small concussion. Actually, considering what I was seeing, I may have been very seriously injured.

It wasn't a dragon; hell, I don't know what the fuck it was, but it wasn't anything I'd ever seen. It had a body that looked like a crocodile, complete with the massive jaws at the front. They were too rounded to belong to a carnivorous reptile, being more reminiscent of a fish. It had no eyes, and it was currently licking the razor cut in its foreleg, much to its rider's dismay. There was a green woman on the blind monster's head, resembling a dryad more than anything. She had red hair, fair skin wear it wasn't green, and a few leaves poking out of her fiery locks and dusting her shoulders. She was also completely nude, by the looks of it, so maybe decency should have forced me to looked away.

I used the temporary distraction of her mount's impromptu first aid, dashing to my fallen weapons. My fingers wrapped around my powersabre just in time for a wet muscle to do the same to my waist. That reptile's tongue was as long as its body, which was a little bigger than a high roller's limousine. I stabbed my sword into the ground, putting my boot on the face to brace myself. I caught the green woman's gaze just as my perch began to pull from the stone. The reptilian monster gave a sharp pull, and I suddenly found myself in a warm, wet cavern, my blade's energy my only source of light.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

“It ate 'im!” Babs watched the scene, slack-jawed at the battle's sudden end. The Manehatten filly panicked when she saw the monster swallow. “Somepony get 'im outta there!”

“Catach's pet has quite the appetite, always swallowing things whole.” Arachni looked in morbid fascination. Her dryad's beast had a very potent stomach acid and saliva that could corrode metal, which didn't give Taylor much of a chance. “I've always wondered what would happen if he got indigestion.”

“Come on, monster; spit him out before something bad happens to you!” Sweetie Belle was very passionate about this, her sister not around to chastise her for the uncouth behavior. As if in response, the massive lizard bellowed in pain. The fire-breathing saurian flopped on its side and squirmed around, like it was trying to scratch a deep itch. The dryad riding it was thrown to the side, a medicine pouch she kept on her hip falling next to her enemy's dropped revolver.

“I haven't seen Men in Black in forever.” Jay's unusual comment was met with the sound of a wet slice, as the monster's gut was parted. Taylor stepped from the cut abdomen, his armor's leather on the fast track to dissolving away. Metal clanged against stone as the teen shed his breastplate and helmet, a sick smile on his face. “Huh. Guess he's still alive.”

“Cut that bitch up!” Chrysalis was shouting. That was very scary for anyone that hadn't seen it before then, but it was found hilarious by Princess Cadenza.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

“I didn't think I'd be fighting a female.” I stalked around the nymph, hoping she'd take the bait and grab the pistol I had yet to take. Much to my surprise, the redhead's pink eyes took on a determined quality.

“You're not.” The dryad charge me unarmed, which was something I wanted to stay away from at all costs. I've seen Bruce Lee take on better odds, and this very convincing transsexual seemed to have the same confidence in his own skills. I rolled to the side and shot my foot out, only to be completely avoided by the agile plant-person. An earth-tone calf covered my vision as my weight was forcibly shifted. I was slammed onto the ground and my enemy apparently decided he would pin me there, using his rather miniscule mass to do so.

“I do not want a naked dude on m back, so get the fuck off!” I heard a click and something circular was pressed against the back of my head. So, the dryad had taken my gun when I hadn't noticed, and was now about to execute me with it.

“I'm not male, either.” The revolver's butt slammed into my skull before I could even ponder her possible meaning. I could practically hear the sneer in her voice. “And don't even go the asexual reproduction route.”

“Those tits look real to me, so if you aren't either gender or neuter, that really only leaves one possibility.” I turned my head to the side to get a better looked at the hermaphrodite. Her pink eyes looked at me in curiosity, probably because I didn't look scared. I looked at her even as she thrust the gun's barrel against my temple. I shot her genuine smile, which looked predatory and sinister in my current state of surging adrenaline. “Would you be insulted if I told you my penis was confused?”

she slammed her foot on my sword arm, making it clear to me that she was tired of my jokes, and more than through with this fight. I turned my head forward, exposing the most vulnerable portion of my cranium to her. I chuckled a bit as she aligned the shot; it was likely her first time using a firearm, so she was more than a little embarrassed that a man that would be dead in few second was heckling her.

I had a smile on my face as she pulled the trigger.

Elvis Presley Only Failed One Class in School: Music

A loud bang filled the air. I felt the hard hit of a concussive blast and the heat of the incendiary chemicals long before I noticed anything else. Even as the shock was setting in, I drove an elbow into the dryad's ribs and followed by spinning myself onto my back. The plant-person had a new stump, courtesy of the shaped explosive Jay and I had rigged earlier. The adhesive clung to every surface it came into contact with, set ablaze by the small bits of phosphorous packed in the standard compound. Just think gasoline mixed with rubber cement, and you'll be near Jay's little concoction.

I threw the nymph off me and scrambled for my dropped powersabre. A swift foot to my unarmored stomach sprawled me. A strong hand on my greaves pulled me up, only for Arachni's little pet to get in a fairly nice kick to my jaw. This hermaphrodite was tough; I certainly couldn't lose my arm and have the stump set ablaze without fleeing combat, but she remained. The woodland acrobat continued her rampage against me, stomping my prostrate form. I curled into a ball to cover my more vital areas, my hands at the tops of my boots. My fingers brushed against the still-cold metal of an old friend.

My knife stabbed the nymph's calf, taking out the only leg she had on the ground. I pulled out just as quickly, the survival blade's jagged back causing leagues more damage than the smooth blade. I could see why Germans back in the Great War were killed if they were caught with saw-backed bayonets: they were far too cruel to be used on a living creature. That being said, I enjoyed the ripping I heard from the screaming hermaphrodite's leg as I drew the all-purpose weapon from its temporary meat-sheath. I crawled on top of the downed redhead, intent on finishing this before she had a chance to end me. Rearing my arm back, I put all of my strength behind the downward arc.

I should have known the acrobat would knock my hand off-course, but it wasn't until I felt the knife glance off the stone floor that I could react. By then, it was far too late. The dryad drove her good hand into my abdomen, her nails penetrating my skin with ease, but her actual fingers were unable to gain entrance, preventing truly serious injury. The sharp talons felt more like pinpricks than a stab wound, but a burning heat spread from the injured areas. The plant-person withdrew her hand and held it close to my face. It was at that moment I realized things were very serious.

Her needle-like nails had no blood on them, which made no sense at all. Clear droplets of fluid appeared out of small pores in the thorn-like protrusions. In a panic, I moved a hand to my stomach, directly where I'd been stabbed. There wasn't even the slightest hint of blood as I drew back, but I could hardly say I didn't deserve this for not anticipating my enemy to employ some form of venom. The particular poison she'd injected into my bloodstream and abdominal muscles was incredibly painful. It felt like someone had threaded thousands of white-hot needles through my gut, but no blood spilled from the wounds. My first guess was that this was a neurotoxin mixed with a powerful coagulant; my blood would turn to sludge as the poison crept to my brain or heart.

Any swift or strong motion I made quicken my painful demise, and she would easily deflect my physical attacks, leaving me to get creative. Thankfully my good friend the Pyromaniac had given me few party favors. The little goodies came in the form of a fine powder, packed into three plastic baggies. I slit the little containers, spilling their contents over the hermaphrodite's chest. The dusty compound spread wonderfully, filling the dryad's intermammary cleft with plenty of excess the inflict the most pain before she died.

I pulled out a small, plastic stick that had been specially treated for this. I shifted my weight to pinned the plant-person's only arm, before placing the chemical match. For the finale to my grand performance, I pricked the tip of my forefinger. A single drop of still-liquid blood fell onto the starter.

“Come on, light my fire.”

$%$%$%$%$%$%

“What did he put on Catach's chest ?” Arachni's voice held a slight tone of fear, betraying the worry she felt for the dryad mercenary. The queen looked at Taylor's compatriot for an answer. Jay only laughed at the grave situation like it was the funniest thing he'd seen in weeks.

“Just a few household chemicals in the proper proportions.” The flautist wasn't about to tell anyone his secret recipe, not before he got something very nice in return. The teen was enjoying the bloodshed immensely, even if it was coming to a quick end. The Pyromaniac saw his friend activate the blood-fuse, which would ignite the plastic bit, then set off the grandest display of fireworks this side of Draconia. There was an intense light, with sparks shooting from the slowly erupting mass. “I'd cover the Crusaders' ears if I were you.”

For once, Jay seemed to be a prophet. At the moment he stopped speaking, the dryad screamed, impossibly long and piercingly loud. Everyone flinched at the sound, and even Cadence's concentration nearly broke under the penetrating wail. It took the Princess of Love everything she had to keep the CMC deafened against the shrill throes of Catach's death by miniature supernova. The compound burned hotter than the fiercest dragon's flames, but spread slowly. If there was ever a material made specifically for torture and corpse disposal, Princess Luna was sure she'd found it.

The dryad thrashed against the human holding her in place, her legs kicked out as her assailant remained motionless. Her shrill cries had stopped completely, her body too shocked to do anything else but lay there and suffer, if any of her nerves were still alive enough to feel. The edges of the small inferno darkened as the burning mass sank into the plant-person's chest. In the span of roughly thirty seconds, Catach's suffering came and went; she would feel no more pain. Arachni kept her muted eyes on the two combatants, and she couldn't help but notice the mercenary's pink eyes give her one last look before the light within them fled.

Taylor rolled off the now-dead acrobat, his own chest painfully cooked by the small inferno. It was easy to see how much pain he felt by his body's shuddering. It was easy to see how unfocused he was, even at this distance.

“We should probably hurry.” Karapass was already out of her seat by the time she'd finished giving the command. Dryad venoms were easy to counter, but they had a certain window of opportunity, and it was closing fast.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

Ancient hands grasped at a thick cord. With a simple pull, the high-capacity line snapped; the Deceiver was removing himself from his throne. Hivemind synapse and life support would remain active until it came time to step down, lest things collapse at an inconvenient time. Eons of planning, webs upon webs of plots and gambits, all to make today possible. The powerful psychic felt the very air tremble as he moved, something he hadn't felt since the last time that avatar of chaos was released. With wires still connected to his helmet, the artificial immortal began manipulating his throne's power supply, the only method to conserve energy.

The ancient human lift his hands to his mask, instantly finding the release button. With a hiss as his suit's pressure equalized with his his chapel's, the Deceiver removed the bone-white, full-face visor. His lungs took their first breath of unfiltered air in millennia.

The Most Successful Interrogator of WWII Preferred Friendliness to Torture. He Would Take Prisoners to the Zoo and Even Arranged for One to Enjoy a Flight in a German Fighter Plane

Once again, I found myself toiling away in a dimly lit work area. The Deceiver was a psychic, leagues beyond anything I could ever hope to match and far older than any organism has the right to be. Without a doubt, he had seen enough that nothing could possibly surprise him, no matter how improbable. I worked with that in mind while Chrysalis and her mother talked with the other queens. Cadence was faithfully seated by the door, eyes upon me as I connected wires to the scrap abomination laid before me. The pink alicorn knew better than to question my actions, if only because it would get her nowhere fast.

If the Deceiver, my only remaining enemy, could read my mind and learn what I would do, I merely had to avoid planning. The ramshackle device I was building exemplified such qualities, if only in the most idiotic and dangerous of ways. The bits of rusty metal and old circuitry were much the same as the first prototypes of my FTL gun, though they served a purpose far different, if on along the same lines. While it did not possess the synthetic-diamond lens, it would still deconstruct what it was attached to. Provided it worked, it could theoretically release my body's atomic potential energy. For reference, the average adult human male contains enough of that potential energy for three large hydrogen bombs.

The beauty was in that delightful if factor. The Deceiver couldn't know what would happen if I didn't, and we were both exceedingly aware that I was crazy enough to turn myself into an organic weapon of mass destruction if I felt the need. I was doing my best to ensure there would be a perfect fifty-fifty shot of going boom. For a brief moment, I wondered how dazzling the blast would look from orbit. It was a real shame no one would get to see it, even if the suicide device worked without a problem. Maybe Celestia could bear witness from Canterlot. Actually, given that I don't have a power source capable of setting off the fission, I may need to enlist some help.

No, none of this was even feasible. There was no fucking way I could use Luna and Cadence to power a fission reactor, even if I could actually get it running in time. I've never been angry enough to actually throw something off a table, but that didn't mean I couldn't sweep the waste of my time away with my arm. Cadenza, for her part, had been lightly dozing off when the scrap metal slammed into the opposite wall. Being the princess in charge of love, I think she was perfectly aware of how much I felt the exact opposite for the Deceiver at the moment.

“Something wrong?” the pink alicorn asked, using her magic to hold my fist an inch from the stone wall. It seemed that, in my anger, I was ready to punch a fucking granite wall to relieve tension. I shot the young, possibly-mortal princess a flat look.

“No, I always do things like this when I'm about to fight physical gods.” Actually, given how I acted when I found out Jay had been talking to Celestia when we first arrived in Equestria, that wasn't far from the truth. The only real difference was that I would likely face my demise tomorrow at the coronation. Combat was not my strongest front, as exemplified by the stab wounds in my gut at the moment.

“You've got something on your mind; talking about it might help.” Cadence shot me a smile, hoping to ease my nerves without the need for chemical depressants. As much as I appreciated the gesture, and I really did, she couldn't possibly understand my predicament. Actually, she probably knew how I felt, given that both of us, at some point, came very close to losing our lovers to being much older than ourselves, and not in a romantic sense. With a sigh, I realized she might be right.

“Listen, I'm a guy, we don't talk about our emotions on Earth.” At that, Cadenza looked a bit taken back. It wasn't that I offended her or anything, just that I seemed to be too stubborn to come clean about something so important to me. “Which is why what I'm about to tell you will never be spoken to anyone else.”

“I wouldn't dare betray your trust.” Cadence's smile widened, and with good reason. Her victory over my innate, asshole nature was the first such battle to end in equine success. If anyone had told me a year ago I was going to admit what I would say next to a talking, pink pony, I would have beat them into the ground. “I'm sure it's nothing I haven't heard before now.”

“The Deceiver is still very much alive, and you can not believe how terrified I am right now.” Eighteen simple words were all I needed to convey my message. It took ten seconds for everything to process in the alicorn's mind. Mi Amore Cadenza sputtered a bit, trying to say something but words remained as elusive as an honest politician. She just sat with her mouth open as I hobbled to the bed and flopped down, waiting for me to elaborate. The pink pony knew as much as Twilight and Trixie in when it came to the supposedly dead god, that he was much older than Celestia and possessed what had been confused for magic by ancient equines. “Alive is kind of a stretch, but he's too active to be dead, and I hesitate to make any assumptions.”

“How is that even possible?” Cadence asked a question I wanted answered as well, but neither of us would likely find it. I shook my head at the crystal princess, too concerned with far more important things than what the hell the Deceiver actually was. “There's more, isn't there?”

“Yeah, more than I'd like to admit.” I stared at the pony with an intensity I rarely managed; the sort of look reserved for an assassin as he gazed into his mark's eyes for the final time. I think the young alicorn could tell something very dire haunted my thoughts. “He's strong, pushed right past my mental defenses like they didn't even exist.”

“Maybe he just got lucky.” Cadenza tried cheering me up, though she really had no idea how powerful my own anti-psychic abilities were. The pink princess knew of my earliest communications with Celestia, and how we would often speak for hours by means of telepathy. She also knew I improved my own skills with every sentence, but she failed to grasp how rapidly I had improved. “I mean, a lot of ponies use mind magic for things; it stand to reason he just knew how to crack your lock.”

“I forced Celestia out of my head one week after arriving in Equestria.” That wasn't quite true; I was able to conceal information from the solar princess during my interrogation. Even with the modesty, Cadence wasn't exactly prepared for that. To be honest, there wasn't much she actually knew about Jay and me before we showed up to work the wedding. I doubt she expected anything quite so stunning from the humans that had become national heroes, but she could deal. “The Deceiver looked through my eyes earlier today; he could have made me kill Chrysalis at the drop of a hat.”

“You're not worried about yourself, you never were.” The pink princess realized something that would have been obvious to Luna after my first sentence, but better late than never. I think Cadence found my concern sweet, though strange. Ponies, as far as I knew, preferred to avoid conflict, drawing away at the first sign of danger to themselves or their mates. Humans and changelings lacked such a prey instinct, but there was very little possibility anyone besides a dedicated scientist knew the obscure fact. “Why not just head back to Canterlot; if the Deceiver wanted to kill you, he could have done so long ago if what you're saying is true.”

“Who dares, wins.” The meaning was clear, but Cadence didn't know where the words originated. The alicorn looked like she was about to ask why I cared about something so stupid as pride, and cared enough to risk not only my life, but the life of my rather significant other. We were thankfully interrupted before anything more could come of this.

“Thank you for watching Taylor for me, Cadence.” Chrysalis's words were kind, but there was a clear undertone that suggested the alicorn leave. It wasn't rude or anything, but the crystal princess made a hasty retreat nonetheless. A large, black blur flew at me just as the door clicked closed. In a flash, I was pinned to the bed, but the future Grand Matron kept her weight off me. A pair of stern, green eyes looked at me from their ebony setting, glittering like the finest emeralds. “Now, do want to tell me why I felt you in the hivemind?”

“Your Deceiver decided to look through my eyes and I made the mistake of resisting.” Chryssy looked at me strangely, before I could see the color drain from her face. For changelings, the hivemind was something of comfort, a constant buzz of family that kept one from ever truly being alone in the cruel reality of their existence; for outsiders, the mountains of whispering voices and quiet thunder were deafening, causing only fear and insanity. “I'm really sorry for scaring you.”

“You? Sorry? I'll believe that when Tartarus freezes over.” The giggling queen nuzzled my face before dropping beside me. There was still tension, still worry and anxiety over the future, but we wouldn't let that hang over our heads. We held onto each other, embracing as tightly as we could manage with my still-recovering body, enjoying our victory, if only for a moment. “We'll get through this, alright? There's no reason to worry about anything.”

“I've worked too hard to die now.” I never mentioned what I worked for, but my meaning was more than implied. My excessive affection was odd, and Chrysalis easily noticed. Our relationship may have been hate-hate-love-hate in its early days, in fact it was the day of Karapass's visit that both of us actually admitted to it. Even then, I was still an ass, but that was one of my charming qualities, if women back on Earth were to be believed.

“What's got you so chipper?” She wasn't complaining, but my behavior was unexpected. I could express my emotions easily, for once in my life. I pressed my forehead against Chrysalis's, though a bit to the side to avoid her horn.

“Chrissy, I'm going to eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow I die.”

Fanta was Invented in Nazi Germany due to the Difficulty Importing Coca Cola Syrup

For the longest time, I just lied awake, staring at the ceiling. Chrysalis slept next to me, pressed against my side to absorb as much warmth as possible. The future Grand Matron was actually rather captivating while she slumbered, with the strands of her mane that were plastered against her cheek and snout making her seem all the more real. In a few hours, a few, mere swipes of the pendulum, I would face what would likely be my doom. At the very least, I would die in a way that would bring pride to my ancestors, though I would be fighting an immortal rather than Romans or Ottoman Turks. I brushed a lock of green gossamer from Chrysalis's face; it actually brought a smile to my face to see the queen shudder a bit under my light touch.

The Deceiver was still prodding at my mind, the fleeting images and blurry meanings lost in the translation and vast chasm that separated our ages. Compared to the godlike being, I was the faintest spark against a roaring inferno, and both of us knew it. For each inquiry I made, I received and answer pertaining to the past, present, and future. However subjective they may have been, the visions instilled a primal fear in my chest. Some of them showed me growing old in Equestria, Chrysalis by my side to provide comfort in my final days. One in particular revealed a world where Jay and I returned to Earth, bringing no small amount of Equus with us. There were no survivors.

I only once made the mistake of asking the Deceiver what he looked like. Again, I received three answers, but they seemed to be exclusively in the past. The first was of a young man, perhaps twenty-five, with a few metal bolts in his head with a few wires running into a power supply on his back. The next picture was on the statue from my dream, half of the ivory faceplate removed to reveal the man beneath the armored shell. This time, the immortal seemed in his sixties, with extremely evident cybernetics. The final, and truly horrifying vision was much the same as the second, though the old man was replaced by a figure common to museums. The face was desiccated to the point of mummification, its lips pulled over its teeth, eyes entirely replaced by ghostly green lights.

As much as it pained me to just let things lie, I needed to actually sleep before the ascension tomorrow. Maybe nightmares wouldn't find me.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

Snap!

Snap!

Snap!

Thin wires gave way as their owner forcibly stood. Time was racing forward for him; his eons of life rapidly neared their end. In but a single decade, a few mere swipes of the pendulum, the Deceiver had set the dominoes in such a way that even the lowliest of fools would be able to send them falling. In a few hours, death would greet the ancient man, and his legacy would begin to fade into history, but not before he left a mark infinitely more permanent than his chapel. The first Grand Matron, the changeling female he had appointed and uplifted millennia ago, had deified the psychic, ensuring a constant guard during the Deceiver's increasingly frequent periods of dormancy.

Men often complained of aching bones as they aged, but, after so long, even the nerves that supplied the most precious of signal had faded to just a distant memory. Emotions still remained, and only pride and joy were permeating the man's hyper-advanced brain. After his death, and maybe a fake little fight to make Taylor feel important, his armor would find a new owner in the teenager that went about making waves even when he first arrived on Equus. What the boy did with nigh immortality and the mutations the planet's ambient energy were causing were his own choices, but the Deceiver felt such was in the hands of a decent human being.

Insane and partly sadistic, yes, but also lawful and unprejudiced in his thoughts and actions. The invasion of Canterlot was meant merely to stir an anthill, to get the ponies on their metaphorical toes and spread dissent through the continent. A war would quickly erupt, and the instability would force humans onto the front, and unearth many of the curios and relics buried around the planet. If only in terms of maximizing efficiency, Taylor and Jay had possessed perfect timing. The pyromaniac was unsuitable for succeeding the ancient, so his borderline-psychopath of a friend had to suffice. Given the tales of what happened in the Borderlands, any war at all seemed like a massive stretch; the main obstacle would be encouraging nations to attack Equestria.

With the faintest flicker of mental energy, a seam appeared in one of the granite walls. Upon waking, the hive's denizens would fine a door within the arena used earlier that day. A handful of messages popped up on the Deceiver's HUD, barely telling him anything he didn't already know.

Estimated life expectancy: ten minutes and nineteen seconds.

Support power: eighty-five percent... eighty-six percent... eighty-seven percent...

Synapse range: thirty-eight kilometers.

Armor capacity: one hundred percent.

Chance of survival: insufficient data.

The Deceiver already knew he would not live to see another of his home's beautiful sunsets, having made peace with that when he first arrived on what had been an uncivilized land with oddly bountiful resources. Fighting ponies, griffons, gaia wolves, dragons, and even Discord himself had made it abundantly clear he would never return home, not that anyone there would want him anymore. An accident had forced him from a utopian society, a life where his scientific pursuits were unbound by the petty constraints of morality, and forced onto a primordial rock because of a failed experiment in teleportation.

But, for all his genius, every biological creature has a limit before it simply gives up the ghost; Celestia, Luna, even Discord would meet an end, if he ever found a way from his stone prison. The problem of mortality could be solved by simply becoming a machine in full, or staying enthroned until the metals corroded beneath him. Passing his mantle to another human was the only way he could ensure stability after his demise, and the odds were still pretty iffy even then. There simply wasn't enough data to predict what Taylor would do, or if he would even take the armor at all. After all, he was from a new generation from a distant universe, and quite possibly feeling the same worry and dread as any human living so far from their old stomping grounds.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Jay asked me as we walked to the arena. Chrysalis and the others were already there, letting me sleep in after my previous battle. My friend had also stayed behind, though it was more to ready himself for a fight than anything else. It was by the slimmest of chances that we actually ran into each other when I started down the hall.

“Fuck no, but it's all I can do.” He knew I wouldn't run, that looking before I leap was not in my book of tricks. Still, this was a wonderful chance for anyone roaming the halls to the see the Burned Man and Pyromaniac side-by-side, guns and flamer at the ready. “Tell you what, man; I know you're looking for a fight right now, trust when I say I feel it too, but you can't just go running into dangerous shit all the time. You and I both know that's my job.”

“Yeah, and what if I get the feeling your getting killed in there? Want me to save you ass then?” Jay shot a fierce grin. Bonds forged in fire are stronger than any other, but our was born in the river of peace, tempered in the fires of uncertainty, and hammered on the anvil of war. Andrew Carnegie wished his steel was as strong as ours, and we didn't give off any molten slag when making it. We left a lot of bodies, but no British sluts were anywhere to be found. Or maybe there were, we didn't exactly look.

“How about if I don't come back in an hour, you can take Luna and Cadence and unleash hell?” That drew a nod from the burn-happy pyro, and I wasn't sure that was a good thing. I didn't pay much mind as we walked into the arena, an uneasy silence ad actually taken hold over us as we marched. I gave a happy wave to the queens and Karapass as they came into view. This occasion actually wasn't so cheerful, given the somber looks plastered across the twenty-one changeling faces.

“Taylor, you are to accompany my daughter, Queen Chrysalis, into the Deceiver's Hall.” Karapass's voice was commanding, even threatening. If she had sounded anything like this when we first met I wouldn't have hesitated in calling Leviathan and leveling the fucking house. “Are you prepared as best you can be?”

“Yes, your majesty.” If Karapass wanted to be official, I would afford all of my own voice for this. I could easily sound like a murderer if needed, but this called for a more... practiced voice, shall we say. I gave my best impression of Caesar crossing the Rubicon; there was even a die to be cast. “Nothing in this or any world will stop me.”

“Chrysalis, you stand at the precipice of ascension, to take my place as the leader of our kind.” Chrissy looked as determined as me, probably more so. If this Deceiver wanted a fight, he would get one, and there was doubt in my mind that my lover would stand by my side as we slew a god. “Are you ready to accept the mantle of Grand Matron?”

“Yes, Mother, and my guard stands to shield me in this life and the next.” A light gleamed within Karapass's eyes as Chrysalis gave her consent and vote of confidence. While the Grand Matron could not smile, her facial plates having fused together due to age, there was a happy air about her. A glance my way told me everything I needed to know, and I faintly nodded as she held my gaze. Her daughter and successor was in capable hands as long as I drew breath, and that much would be a comfort.

“Then enter the Hall, and accept your intertwined destinies.”

Men Process the Sound of Other Men's Voices in the Same Area of the Brain that Processes Simple Sounds like Car Engines and Machinery, but Process Women's Voices in the Same Area That Processes Music

“Why do we always have sex before you do something dangerous?” Chrysalis asked as we started down the granite hallway. The massive doors had closed behind us before she spoke, not wishing to let her mother and sisters know. I wore a pensive look as I unslung my jury-rigged assault rifle, obviously lifted off a dead bandit from Cuatla. While I checked to see if the bastard offspring of roughly twelve different guns was in serviceable condition, I gave my response.

“Blame Bioware; bastards have me conditioned to believe wonderful things only happen if I'm either about to die, or it's required to save the world.” That was the absolute truth of the matter, considering the amount of time I'd spent on Mass Effect and Dragon Age before they just became awful to me. I pulled the slide back and chamber one of the surplus rounds as the changeling queen gave me a look that implied I was lacking in the mental department. It wasn't ten seconds before she playfully punched my hip, meaning we were back to the stressful situation of walking into the lion's den. In this case, the lion was a Bengal tiger with chainsaw teeth and a rocket-propelled lunge.

The corridor echoed with Chrysalis's steps, easily drowning out my near-silent footfalls. While the tunnel was meant to seem winding to the naked eye, the cacophonous noises issuing from my insectoid other half were those exclusively made within a straight, rectangular container. As we walked, I think both of us started to feel a near-suffocating pressure in the air, the environmental effect of supercharged psychic activity. In this sense, the Deceiver was a walking, thinking Brain Scorcher, though his off switch would be much harder to flip. Chrissy was accustomed to the constant interference, having been raised around the powerful source we were about to confront.

Static fizzed in my vision, my breath developed a slight quiver. My usually steady hands started shaking worse than after my one time rappelling and I flipped upside down, making any attempts at using my rifle effectively. Maybe the intention was to reduce any humans to a near invalid state, or maybe the jarring electricity was purely coincidental; it mattered very little to me either way. Through my shoes, I could feel heat radiating from the stone floor. I already knew there was magma under the hive, really a given with all the hot springs and saunas in Nova, but the molten rock couldn't have been more than twenty feet beneath us now.

The torches along the walls became less and less frequent as we walked, until there was enough space for darkness to hold over us for a few moments before we could see under the glow of the next. It was in one of those dusky areas that the floor developed a slight slope, forcing us further below Equus's surface. From that point, the lights were a thing of the past, leaving us with only the glow Chrysalis could make with her horn.

“I wish I'd brought a flare or two.” I didn't like the dark, especially when it involved me walking into a fight with my senses slowly being drowned out. The green of unfocused changeling magic illuminated the corridor almost as quickly as I had said those words.

“That better?” Chrissy gave me a smug look, understanding that I was pretty much helpless when it came to this shit. I waved at her dismissively, almost chuckling at her voice's ability to penetrate the ringing in my ears. The joy stopped almost immediately as the shadows cast by the insectoid mare's magic hit the barely raised portions along the walls around us. Geometric shapes, mathematical equations that lacked any symbols I was familiar with, and even runic script that nearly boggled my mind with its absurd amount of complexity.

“Any idea what this is?” I asked, amazed at the intricacy of the designs and how they were only raised perhaps a tenth of a millimeter, yet the shadows they made were incredibly visible. We didn't keep walking, but we slowed enough to get a good look at everything around us.

“Mother said the Deceiver only wrote a handful of things himself, preferring to speak and have others write; we must be close if he bothered making these.” So the guy was lazy with a pen, but felt the need to record these things for the sake of posterity? I, probably like you, thought that was something out of a horror movie and wanted nothing to do with this. The stone was dark, and had a faint glow from Chrysalis's magic, but a single flash of white to my side caught my attention. Before I could even think, I was emptying my magazine in that apparition’s direction. The gunfire was deafening in the enclosed space, but it made me feel safe; my favorite queen didn't quite share my feelings. A tiny explosion sounded as Chrissy ripped the weapon in my hands to pieces, shattering the metal as she went. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“I thought I saw a ghost; it's gone now.” However, the thin barrier I had shot through was very much still there. Streams of smoky light filtered through the bullet holes, illuminated by a constant light source on the other side. No sooner did we realize we had reached our destination did a seam appear in the perfectly smooth surface. The stone gate slowly opened of its own accord, a massive room, with glass walls. I knew they were glass by the glowing magma behind them, which provided a surprisingly bright glow. There were a number of solid pillars, arranged evenly in a grid, probably capable of holding much more than the ceiling if needed, and that included the possibility many of them were redundant.

The towering rock formations were far from the most interesting thing I saw, no, that honor went to a shining object in the room's center. It was golden, and polished to an almost blinding level, though there was a vague shape that seemed to suck the light from around it. There would be no fear here, nothing out of the ordinary for neither Chrysalis nor myself. If the Deceiver uplifted Chrissy to her new position, then that would be the end and nothing more would come of this. On that coin's other face, if he harmed her in any way, then, god or not, he would not live to see another Grand Matron enter this grand hall. We shared a look, before nodding to each other and pressing onwards, to the golden throne.

Chrysalis knelt before the imprisoned immortal, doing her best to perform the ascension. A spark jumped from the tip of her horn to the Deceiver's bleached head, igniting them both for the briefest of moments. In that same moment, the my worst fears were realized. The rightful Grand Matron collapsed to the ground without a sound, any noise muffled by my rapidly narrowing sense. The static faded as I looked at the physical god, a rage I had never felt pounding in my head. My hand dove for my powersabre faster than I'd ever moved, activating the powerful weapon before it was even drawn.

Like a bull slammed into me, my body turned harshly into one of the granite pillars. My sword easily sliced through the stone, leaving a thin, even line carved in the tough stone. A strong boot threw me several feet. I rolled as I hit the ground, gritting my teeth as the injuries on my chest and stomach started to act up, but I easily saw the most horrifying sight of my life. The statue from my nightmares, the being who screeched and shouted enough to unnerve even me, now casually strolled towards me. As the god came near, I swung at his leg.

Twang

The powersabre vibrated as it rebounded off the advanced armor, a noticeable dent in the sword's cutting edge, and leaving a narrow, silvery gash on the Deceiver's leg. The suit he wore seemed to regenerate, or at least repair itself enough to hide the scratch. I jumped up and swung again, and received similar results as the original attack. The psychic's fist slammed into my stomach, right where Catach had stabbed me. I had only time to stare into the porcelain face I had grown to hate before trying my hand at assault once more. I used my little finger to set the power weapon to its highest setting, hoping the blue glow meant it would have enough energy to cut through the powerful armor.

The sword's halo flickered as it made contact with the god's suit, momentarily resetting. A weapon capable of cutting granite like butter and tearing tanks open like a pinata was laughably impotent against the alloy that comprised the Deceiver's armor. My soul started to hurt at the thought, but survival meant more to me than some Imperial technology. The hilt was still working, kinda, and it would likely make a passable knuckleduster. On a whim, I decked that motherfucker in the flat part of his mask where his mouth was supposed to be. The immortal just stood there, not attacking nor defending; he just took the blow without even the slightest movement.

An armored hand clasped around my throat, its powerful owner lifting me off the ground. Scared for my life, I could only look into the blank expanse of the Deceiver's helmet, choking down as much air as I could to maintain higher brain functions. What felt like a blanket wrapped around me, warming and stifling as any quilt from home, though it lacked even the slightest comforts. The world around me seemed to melt and shift, rapidly becoming an image of the Milky Way. Stars zoomed by me, bearing the faintest of images from a time I could not comprehend. Letters, symbols, even spoken words I had no reference for were blared into every sensory receptor my body possessed.

A spear of light pierced my lower back, not bringing pain as I expected, but a wealth of information and history. Humans, or something that bore an uncanny resemblance to us, stood in what resembled a debate hall. They were oddly beautiful, bearing appearances and voices that were pleasing to the sense. A single individual, a young man no older than me, stood in the center of the crowd, pleading his case in a language I could not understand. He had two bolt lodge in the left side of his forehead, telling me this was the Deceiver in his early days. Applause and nods of agreement met the young adult; I guess he got what he wanted.

Another spear lanced through my spine, just below my ribcage. This time, a middle-aged man stood over a console that made even my FTL gun look like the Apple II in comparison. He seemed angry, his hands on his head as he looked at his schematics again. A black suit of armor lay on the workbench before him, with the needed tools and equipment to either assemble or repair it strewn about the mesa. I could almost see an idea form in his head as he went back to work, a small smile on his face. I recognized a tubular device on a nearby shelf; it resembled a failed prototype of the same FTL gun that forced Jay and I to Equestria. Apparently great minds really do think alike.

A third spear stabbed through my neck at the shoulder, dumping something I never thought I would see. The Deceiver was in a jungle, his mask off as he looked around. He seemed lost and even a little scared by the prospects that ran through his mind. It seemed the immortal had ended up on Equus in a fashion not too dissimilar from the accident nearly a year ago. The cyborg looked a bit distraught, turning at even the slightest noise, though a very feminine scream brought him from his stupor of fear. Faster than any unmodified human, the Deceiver sprinted off into the dense flora, hoping to save one of his own. As I followed, being forced by the vision, a form I was intimately familiar with came into view.

A changeling, slightly smaller than the average queen, was being attacked by... something. It looked like a pony, but had two horns curving over its head. The freaky throwback rammed its head against the insectoid equine's relatively frail body. That was the last mistake the bicorn made before it was pulled by its tail and thrown through one of the nearby trees. In a moment that would change the course of the planet's history, the Deceiver extended an ebony glove to the equally dark mare.

Light blinded me, wrapping and morphing around my face and obscuring my view of the ancient history. As the visions ended, I felt the final spear slipped into the base of my skull. What this revealed was not a lesson it what was, but the final message the Deceiver had made for me, recorded perhaps thirty minutes ago.

@#@#@#@#@#@#

For Queen Chrysalis, time seemed to have skipped forward. On the throne she knelt before rested a desiccated corpse, older than anything she could imagine. On the floor next to the dead body was the Deceiver, though it was obviously not the same one she knew. The psychic field that negated her magic was amplified tenfold near the armored, unconscious man. Even the porcelain mask that was so common in depictions of the god could do nothing to obscure the identity of someone she had grown so fond of. The new Grand Matron would worry about the specifics, but something very important held her attention.

The glass on the far wall started to crack.

The Cemetery in Romero's "Night of the Living Dead" was Hit by a Tornado After Production, Pulling Two-Hundred Bodies From Their Graves

I was shaking, no, more like rocking. The click-clack of polished steel rumbled beneath me, accompanied by the sound of rushing wind and a roaring engine. Everything around me, including the bench or table I lay on, felt like it was behind a fingernail, not my regular clothing. The sensations were odd, to be sure, but not quite as strange as the constant buzz in the back of my mind. I felt something similar to this before, during my brief scuffle with the Deceiver shortly after my narrow victory over Catach. The hivemind was very small here, only a glass of water compared to the veritable ocean of souls I'd touched in the main hive.

I recognized the voices of Chorion and Chrysalis, even the small murmurs of Arachni as she slept nearby. There were no drones, or perhaps very few and jurisdiction was handed to their mothers, but I could plainly feel the nineteen queens in close proximity. Well, eighteen queens and one Grand Matron was the grand total, though Chrissy barely seemed to match the signature I had felt during my first foray into the gestalt consciousness. The squeak of a marker on a whiteboard brought me from my little drift, though I still hadn't moved a muscle.

Upon opening my eyes, I saw nothing. There was a blank void before me, completely deficient in even blackness. At first, it thought it was perhaps a blanket, but there wasn't even the slightest trickles of light nor the necessary weight to block illumination. My eyes and rather impressive night vision lent me no aid in this, and I was immediately reminded of the visions I had been made to witness. That marker squeaked again, and a pressure moved across the plate in front of my face in time with the sound. I could do very little at the time; my toes had barely returned to me at the time. In fact, bits of me were only now starting to awaken.

“Was that really necessary?” Cadence asked, sounding none too pleased with something. That something probably involved Jay and my new facial protection. I really needed to figure out how to work this thing, because I think it's plugged into my spine. Wait... How the fuck am I supposed to relieve myself if this armor is attached to my central nervous system?

“Trust me, it's a tradition where we're from.” Yeah, hit the nail on the head with that one. Jay must have drawn on me, most likely the blank, bone-white surface of my helmet. If I couldn't see, it was probably because he had covered the portion of the mask over my eyes. A blinking, green light suddenly made me retract that statement. I still could not read what it said, but it resembled a loading screen, complete with a partially-filled bar and writing above it. “We are honor-bound to draw on our unconscious comrades' faces to aid in their recovery.”

“But why does it look so... weird?” I could practically hear Cadenza cock her head, and couldn't help but wonder what they were talking about. It didn't help that the loading had finished, but my view still remained dark, save for a drawing of my body, with orange slowly filling my extremities. As the color filled my body, the feeling also returned. I absolutely hated focusing on two things that both interested me, because giving priority to one meant missing something important about the other. “I mean, I'm familiar with the general shape, that much hasn't changed, but it looks kinda like a shovel.”

“That's because it's human.” Chrysalis finally broke the silence, and gave my mental beacon a test in close-range accuracy. However, I'm now certain Jay has drawn a dick on my mask. That shit better watch off or I'm breaking his legs. I'll fucking do it. The orange had finally inched up to the base of my neck, meeting the permanently-filled region of my head. The picture faded as my entire field of vision started to brighten. There was no noise as whatever external device controlled luminosity, but it ended at a comfortable level for my eyes while maximizing how well I could actually see. “What? I'm just getting that on the record.”

“I don't think Taylor is going to take this too well when he wakes up.” Cadence was the voice of reason for the group, which meant Luna was probably asleep right now. At that point, I was certain we were on a train headed for Canterlot, though I was curious as to why we hadn't stayed for the after party. Images began taking shape, first as various blobs of color, and then refining into a crystal-clear picture of the world within two-hundred degrees in front of me. Having a gigantic, wraparound eye was sweet so far. However, there was a slight darkness over some parts of my vision. “What if that doesn't wash off?”

“There I guess he's fucked.” I have such wonderful friends, don't I?

$%$%$%$%$%$%

Grand Matron Chrysalis stared out the window as the landscape rolled by. She and her sisters hadn't bother disguising themselves, not like they had enough energy to hold one for any real period of time without total exhaustion. The hivemind, the lifeblood of the changeling species, was broken and reforming far too slowly for anyone's liking. At least all of the queens were alive, and Karapass had been given a funereal she would have loved. Nova and the grand hive were now a pit filled with lava, burying the Deceiver and the remains of every previous Grand Matron in molten stone.

A fitting end, really. Karapass had always felt the curios and relics of the past should be forgotten, and a future worth striving towards. Still, there was a hole within the new Grand Matron's heart at her mother's death. Changeling queens were not wired to feel much love for their mothers, given that their very purpose as to replace her at some point. This meant that any children Chrysalis had would be similarly raised in a competitive environment. That was unless the Deceiver, acting through the go-between of the Grand Matron, made some changes to the rebuilt hive.

The ebony insect prodded the supposedly unconscious teenager strapped to the seat next to her. She, as well as every queen, had felt the moment he had awoken; the link in the hivemind jumped a bit, and continued its slow, steady rise once again. She poked the young man once more, before realizing he might not be fully aware or able to move, especially when she considered that he now inhabited the armor of a god. Really, the Grand Matron thought it was one hell of a promotion.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

Sweet, I can move a again. My back fucking hurt, but that was just fine in my book, as long as the rest of me was fine and dandy. The very first thing I did was prop myself up, only to be fully surprised when Cadence gasped and nearly jumped out of her seat. Apparently, I hadn't made much noise and scared her.

“Is there a dick on my face?” The pink pony appeared perplexed by my nonchalance. I could always pry the information from Chrysalis when we were alone, so asking about why we were on a train with the remaining queens and headed for Canterlot seemed to be bad form. But, of course, asking about male genitalia drawn on my new mask was totally fine.

“Y-yeah, you do.” The princess of love downed her mug of coffee in a single gulp as my eyes invisibly moved to my best friend. Jay, for his part, seemed like he was about to die from holding back his laughter, and I could hardly blame him. When we first arrived in Equestria, stranded in the Everfree forest with only a manticore to threaten us, things were pretty bitchin'. Nowadays things were too serious, like there was no fun to be had anymore. At least my pyromaniac friend was trying to bring some semblance of the old days back, and who knows, maybe without any enemies popping up, we can really get back to having fun.

“Dude, this better come off.” Speaking of which, I needed to figure out how to take the damned mask off, too. I mean, I had that vision where the Deceiver was made of black goop, but that was a dream. Still, my gloved fingers brushed against the small release under my chin. My face better not come off with it. I very slowly and tenderly pulled the sealed armor open, letting the air equalize with a hiss. As unfiltered light hit my eyes, Jay did something I'd never forget.

“Jesus, dude, he fucked you up.” I recalled no blows to the face, but I still groped around my head to find the wounds. This armor somehow stopped a powersabre, and I had no way of knowing what happened while I was being outfitted. My flautist friend burst into laughter at my obvious fear. “God, your fucking gullible.”

“Unlike you, I have appearances to maintain.” Here we go, a classic sniping contest. Maybe that would cure our terrible moods.

“Yeah, as the guy that caught on fire; at least I never destroyed half the palace.” Jay stuck his tongue out at me, and Luna seemed to have awoken from her nap. Thankfully, the blue alicorn didn't interrupt, though she was joined by a number of changeling queens looking over their seat at us.

“You summoned a fire elemental that could have razed Canterlot!” I waved my hand out in an extravagant fashion, trying to emphasize my point with the gesture. “I never got kidnapped.”

“Bullshit, that was how you and Twilight saved Cadence.” My unarmored comrade gave me the finger, raising his voice at me. At that pint, both of us stood in the aisle, almost like we about to square off. Being as close as we were, that was impossible when sober, but most onlookers wouldn't have understood. “You know what?”

“What?” Here we go, air out that dirty laundry. It might make us feel better, rejuvenate our depleted energy and allow for a better existence. At my smirk, Jay only scowled. Leave it to me to be an asshole, but it would be his turn to be cocky when I got to rant.

“I blame you for every fucking we've gone through since we came to this rock. It was your dumbass machine, which didn't even work right, that brought us here, then fucking disappears. After that, you lured a goddamn scorpion-lion to me and got me captured by a couple of rednecks. We go through all this shit, and you never even seem to care.” Jay huffed a few times, having said everything as a shout and in a single breath. I gave him a few moments, until he waved and gave me the floor.

“I blame you for every little bit of shit that's gone down since you ran into Applejack and Big Mac. You lied to the Elements of Harmony, almost got me arrested, and implicated me in an assassination attempt against the very ponies you and I would try to protect. You talked me into attending Shining Armor's bachelor party, where I was drugged and woke up in some slutty mare's bed the next morning. Then you had the genius fucking idea to test a new flamethrower and summoned a damn monster.” I was mad, really, and had been holding that in for too long. We might be bitter for a bit, but we'd hopefully bounce back. During those little tirades, I don't think either of us noticed the train stop, meaning we were actually at Canterlot again. Still, it was a few, immensely long seconds before we heard even the first voice.

“Welcome back, how was your trip?” The voice was oddly cheerful and a bit mischievous. After fighting one god, I had no desire to fight another, so hearing Discord's voice was not very high on my bucket list. In reality, it was on my fuck-it list, right nest to attending a birth other than my own, because I'd already done that. I actually hesitated when I turned, and was greeted by two sights I could have seriously gone without.

Discord, the antithesis of all thing harmonious, was casually standing on the train and wasn't even drawing stares from ponies passing in the station. However, the draconequus was almost welcoming when I saw who was waiting for us on the platform. Princess Celestia, along with the Elements of Harmony, stood patiently as we grabbed out minimal luggage, and even remained respectfully silent as the eighteen queens did the same. However, that really changed once they took their placed behind me.

“I've never seen some many alicorns in my life!” Pinkie was, of course, excited, and she obviously counted changeling queens as alicorns, otherwise there was no reason for her amazement. It was at that moment I saw a pair of purple wings nestled on Twilight Sparkle's sides. She looked at me and traced my gaze to the new appendages, almost bashfully covering them as she realized I was more than a little weirded out by them. I slipped my mask back on before I said anything, so I didn't lose it.

“We were gone for a week, what the fuck did we miss?!”

Author's Note

One [Bad End]

Warning, this may get depressing. Actually, it's supposed to.
$%$%$%$%$%$%

Tick... tock... tick... tock...

There was very little time to myself after we got Twilight's coronation ceremony in order, what with all the tasks to be handled. Chorion, Exonia. Arachni, and Namata would play the part of flag-bearers at the crowning ceremony, wearing a disguise that looked eerily reminiscent of Fluttershy ad Rarity's mutant offspring. Discord steered clear of me, though that was more a scheduling miracle than any malice. From the final recordings the Deceiver left to me, in perfect English, mind you, I could gather he and the Deceiver shared some bad blood over the eons. It was midnight before I had a moment to relax, and I did so in the one place I was sure to find peace.

“Well, dear friend, we've come a long way.” I patted the massive war machine that was Leviathan, feeling the spirit thrum happily at my touch. Poor thing had driven to Canterlot to find me, and Celestia bunked it in my old workshop. The tank and I had been through a lot, if you count an invasion and a desert skirmish as such. “Hard to believe we almost killed Chrissy once, isn't it?”

“I must sound like a maniac to an outsider, talking to myself like this.” I chuckled as I cleaned the dust off the mighty beast's chassis. There was an odd air about this room, a sense of deep finality and completion. As oddly as it sounds, it felt like I was dreaming or having some surreal experience. Was peace finally a reality for me and the rest of Equus? Was this journey really over? My helmet was actually a little stifling as I blinked back a brewing emotional outburst. If I was going to cry, it would be within a weapon of mass destruction.

Tick... tock... tick... tock...

I hunkered down in the pilot's seat, locking my hands at the arms' edges and wriggling to find a comfortable position. Did the Deceiver ever sit like this while interred upon his golden throne? I wouldn't have the chance to know now, not anymore. I pressed my thumb against the release hatch, hearing the familiar hiss of equalizing air pressure. This was the easiest bit of armor to remove, and the only one that didn't require instructions. Everything else was hooked into the plugs in my spine, and needed a careful hand to undo. My vision blurred a bit as the HUD faded away, leaving my eyes naked. Even the near-darkness of Leviathan's interior burned my ocular orbs.

I shook my head and prepared for the next bit this sure to be painful process; the first link was at the base of my skull. Following the instructions left to me, I relaxed my neck and thumbed the two hidden buttons. There was no rush of trapped gasses as this seal broke, and no pain as the artificial nerves were disconnected from my natural ones. Still, my right arm and both legs tingled for a moment, almost like they were going numb. While odd, it wasn't worth my concern.

I actually kind of regretted taking the mask off first, given that the instructions were no longer available. Pressing ever-onward, I relaxed the muscles in my lower body as best I could. The lumbar uplink couldn't be undone by outside means, and required a delicate touch and carefully-ordered muscle contractions. All the same, it was unlocked in twelve seconds, nearly deadening my legs again. The same numbness rushed through my right arm, and the vision in my right eye swam in tune with the staticy ripples. Wearing the suit would grant me near-immortality, but it wasn't worth what I would have to give up to meet that bonus.

Tick... tock... tick... tock...

Call it what you will, but I still moved the thoracic-lumbar node, tensing and relaxing my abdominal and thoracic muscles in the odd rhythm required to break the bond even as I slipped out of my greaves. For a moment, I considered lying down and forgetting about this, but the pain I felt must have indicated something was wrong somewhere within the armor shell. Right? The centermost link came undone, and much of my torso's armor fell to the floor. I tumbled back into the pilot's seat as my legs caved beneath me. My right arm faded form my sense almost as quickly as my lower extremities ceased to be.

The final section of armor covered my shoulders, and linked to my body at the junction of my cervical and thoracic vertebrae. Thankfully, it was on a time-release, and would automatically remove itself shortly after the other portions were disconnected. However, if this particular section was the malfunctioning one, my heart could very easily stop. With one arm hanging limp at my side, and my left suddenly too weak to do anything but mimic its counterpart, I could do nothing but sit and listen for my personal Doomsday Clock ticked away.

Tick... tock... tick... tock...

With the slightest of sounds, the link severed itself. In that same instant, my world turned as white as the explosion that forced Jay and I into Equestria. Even as the blinding, white void encompassed all that I could comprehend, darkness infiltrated the very edges. Slowly, but steadily increasing in speed, the black tendrils snaked and intertwined until it looked as though I saw a pure nothingness. A single spec of light penetrated the dark, a bright flicker of hope. It grew much faster than the blackness could hope to stall, until it permeated the void with its simple image.

A tiled ceiling that reminded me of an office or government facility greeted my eyes. I should make that eye; the right half of my vision and my dominant eye remained dark, giving my line of sight a curved internal edge. Pain suffused through out my body, worse than the fires in Marehouse Thirteen, worse than the anxiety that filled my heart at facing the Deceiver, worse than the scorpion king's venom that nearly killed, and far worse than the toxins Catach pumped into my gut. It was as through every injury I had every received in my life was given to me at once, and I couldn't even scream for help.

Gone was the cozy interior of the Baneblade, instead replaced by a firm mattress and chilly air. I lay still, trying not to move and amplify my pain any more than it already soared. Through the mixed signals my brain interpreted, I could plainly feel my left hand clutch the linens, but nothing from my right. If I could move, I would have checked. There was movement, a blurry, human figure in black with a pale face. For a moment, I thought I saw the Deceiver again, though those fears faded as the shape came into focus. It was priest, carrying his bible and a rosary, looking at me as you might view a dying man you cannot help.

Tick... tock... tick... tock...

Another man, aged by stress and experience, stood next to the clergyman. He was one of the instructors at my high school, and perhaps the only teacher to hold my respect. He taught me a lot about life, how the world worked; he even helped me with personal issues. We had an agreement we both swore to uphold: one of us would be present for the other's death. This was more for him than me, given that I had been sixteen at the time. If I was in pain, lying in a bed in some godforsaken clinic, things must have been pretty bad.

The one vocalization I made was a wet gurgle, like my lungs were rattling in my chest. I probably didn't have long for this world, though this left more than a few questions about reality. Was this real? Had my adventures in Equestria been real? Did the blast from the FTL gun cripple me and very nearly kill me? In my pained state, I couldn't even form the most vacant of rational ideas. The two men I entrusted in a document that had slipped my mind somewhere between being chased by royal guards and meeting Princess Celestia could only look at me with sadness as my life began slipping away.

This was not what I wanted, to die some inglorious death in a hospital bed. I wanted Chrysalis, and Equus, and Celestia, and Trixie, and Lyra and Bon-Bon, and adveture; the life I'd created for myself with my own, two hands. If it wasn't real then why did my mind force me to see it? My eye's sight began to dim as I simmered in unreleasable anger. My own brain the control center of my body, had rebelled against my mind. Or had it in fact helped me? This pain I felt, if time in Equestria was comparable to time here, would have been much worse a year ago. I cursed silently, my body too damaged to even rage against its demise, my demise. My death would not come at the hands of a god, or to Romans and Turks like my ancestors, or even to the enemies of the United States; instead, they came from injuries I had sustained in an accident while chasing a childhood dream.

Even as the light faded from my eyes, one thought resounded in my mind, and it was one I had been pondering since I was eight. When Death wrapped my in his cold embrace, what would happen to what made me, well, me?

$%$%$%$%$%$%

In Washington, DC, a teenager sputtered his last breaths. Taylor, after his experiment with faster-than-light travel, had been horribly injured. His device worked, though youth and the joy of success had blinded him to its dangers. An explosion, which scattered bits of matter across North America but left no crater or collateral damage, had taken the boy's legs and right arm. The were never recovered, though the stumps were almost cleanly severed. The National Guard had been deployed to find the source of the disturbance, and the two teens involved were rushed to a nearby hospital. After only and hour, both were flown to the District of Columbia to be cared for in an experimental facility.

The FTL gun's blueprints were found upon searching Taylor's laptop, locked behind a sixty-seven-digit password and disguised as pornography. DARPA had a field day, as had the international scientific community as a whole, and many people around the globe became intrigued by the invention and its creator. Jay had been spared most of the blast, suffering only radiation poisoning and a mild concussion on top of a few broken bones. The flautist raised money and even pleaded with the American public to donate to save his friend's life.

On that same laptop, in a file next to the gun's blueprints, was a last will and testament. It was free to publicly view, but could not be edited without a password of roughly four-hundred characters. The document revealed much about Taylor and his personality, but the clause regarding the permanent vegetative state he found himself in was rather amusing in a macabre sense. The Alabamian, hating politics with a passion had left the right to unplug him in the hands of none other than the President of the United States. This was done purely for the public relations nightmare it would cause for his head of state. A year later, the decision was made by fate, and the boy began his death rattles three days ago.

An odd request for a priest and his instructor was written within his will, and they grimly obliged. As an atheist for much of his life, Taylor's decision to have a clergyman by his side in his final hours was a shock to those that knew his secret, though his close friends knew it was probably so he could say something worthy of record in response to his last rites. Still, a Christian scientist had flown in from California to fill this role.

A year and a day after the accident, Taylor awoke for roughly half a minute, before succumbing to his injuries. He died at noon on March nineteenth in the Year of Our Lord two-thousand-thirteen.

Author's Note

Fuck it, [Good End] comes out as soon as it gets done.
And, by the way, both this and the good ending are correct, sort of like a CYOA story, but with only one choice.

When You Were Young... [Good End]

There was very little time to myself after we got Twilight's coronation ceremony in order, what with all the tasks to be handled. Chorion, Exonia. Arachni, and Namata would play the part of flag-bearers at the crowning ceremony, wearing a disguise that looked eerily reminiscent of Fluttershy ad Rarity's mutant offspring. Discord steered clear of me, though that was more a scheduling miracle than any malice. From the final recordings the Deceiver left to me, in perfect English, mind you, I could gather he and the Deceiver shared some bad blood over the eons. It was midnight before I had a moment to relax, and I did so in the one place I was sure to find peace.

“Well, dear friend, we've come a long way.” I patted the massive war machine that was Leviathan, feeling the spirit thrum happily at my touch. Poor thing had driven to Canterlot to find me, and Celestia bunked it in my old workshop. The tank and I had been through a lot, if you count an invasion and a desert skirmish as such. “Hard to believe we almost killed Chrissy once, isn't it?”

“Lord, if anyone saw this, they'd think I'd lost my mind.” I laughed, of course. Tomorrow was a wonderful day, if a bit unremarkable to me. I mean, I've seen a royal wedding already, so crowning a princess means nothing to me. Yep, a full year in Equestria and I'm still American, alright. Talking to centuries-old war machines was a bit of a wonderful hobby to have, really; it's not like they can judge you or anything. Unless they have a machine spirit, in which case, don't ever fuck inside one, because they see that. Take my advice on that one.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

“... and that's how I met your mother, Scipia.” I looked at the changeling larva with adoration only a parent could know. Larva being the changeling equivalent to foal, it only made sense to be proud. I was nearing ten years in Equestria, and Twilight's coronation was the last time I'd been needed for anything short of the war about five years back. I still wore the Deceiver's armor when needed, though it mostly just collected dust in the master bedroom.

“Dad, couldn't you have stopped at the invasion?” My daughter was a bit green, and it wasn't from blushing. Apparently, the graphic nature and coarse language was a bit graphic for a changeling who just turned eight. With now Deceiver to change Grand Matrons, Scipia would likely live for thousands of years, and hopefully out live her mother and I by centuries. “And how did you know about the parts you weren't there for?”

“Ancient human secret, sweetheart; you wouldn't understand.” The only reason I really bothered telling her this was because she asked. She probably had a childhood crush on a classmate or some such, well, I actually knew she did, hivemind synapse and all that. However, the object of her affection was a young colt I had barely considered being a possibility before snooping through Scipia's little noggin. I was none other than Candied Apple, Applejack's own son and our nearest neighbor. He, like Scipia, was attending Ponyville's only school, though he was a year younger. Now he was quite the bitch conceiving; you wouldn't believe how much work I put into getting the genes to zip together to produce a viable foal that could in turn reproduce. “Now, aren't Candy and Gingersnap coming over soon?”

“That's right, I totally forgot!” The little hellion flew up the stairs as quickly as she could. She and Candied Apple, whom I often called Candy, had the common trait of being sired by primates. I'll allow three guesses to who fathered the colt, but I doubt they'll all be needed. Don't ask me how they hooked up; all I know is they approached me a week after Scipia was born and asked for my assistance. Now the tawny little shit is after my own flesh and blood, and I'm not being defensive for the same reasons most fathers would be. It's not her getting her young heart broken, but when she's just becoming an adult, Candy will either be old or dead, and that would be a terrible pain to her.

“I must say, I don't quite remember so much profanity in those days.” Chrysalis had developed the wonderful ability to slink around me and evade detection. She blew on my occipital uplink, sending a cold shiver down my spine as the cybernetics adapted for windy conditions. “But maybe I'm only remembering the nice parts.”

“Whats not nice about killing bandits in Cuatla, or being placed under an illusion while a cyberneticly-modified god puts his armor on you, then sends the room filling with lava as a last hurrah?” I joked of course, but there was something to be missed about those days. Adventure was merely around the corner, and Equus was much more dangerous. Nowadays even the warhawk griffins didn't raise hell, and I pissed on a patrol from our side of the border. I may be nearly thirty, but I still get up to shit now an then. “Well, we certainly have a bit more on our plates these days, anyway.”

“Well, a little fun every now and then would do us some good, maybe get the old band back together for some daring raids through ancient jungle ruins?” Chrysalis nuzzled into neck, a smile plastered across her features.

“Bye Mom, bye Dad!” Scipia rushed through the front door, completely killing the moment. She was good at that, having inherited my love of sneaking and Chrissy's adoration of sabotage. The Grand Matron and I shared a laugh.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

“Guys, I think my dad tried telling me where foals come from.” Gingersnap was the group's pegasus, and had lived in Trottingham before moving to Ponyville two years ago. She was a dark orange with a bright green mane and tail, with a single cookie displayed on each flank. As much as she like baking, she was actually pretty awful right now, but her cookies were pretty good.

“At least your dad didn't ramble on about his old mercenary days.” Candied Apple had nothing but respect for his father, but sometimes the old man cold really grate his nerves. Sure, his parents were heroes, so were Scipia's and nopony made a big deal about that. Candy had actually talked to Scipia's dad once, and he seemed more interested in the future than the past. “I can recite the reports from the Second Battle for Canterlot in my sleep.”

“And your dad never tries to make you right in Levy.” Scipia was referring to her family's tank, Leviathan, though it acted more like a dog than a war machine. The young queen was a bit frightened by the lumbering titan, but knew it would be destroyed before it allowed harm to befall her. “So, where to today?”

“I'm thinking No-Return Bog, myself.” Gingersnap had a love of dangerous things, and the fetid pools were one of the few places nopony had been in over a decade. Adventure must have run in the family, because Scipia and Candy agreed outright. Scipia's parents lived in a large chateau in the Everfree, and most animals ignored them, barring the occasional quarry wolf. Still, there were some things forbidden by the insectoid alicorn's oddly-lenient guardians.

“Fine, I'll race y'all to the water!” Candied Apple didn't wait for a response as he kicked up dirt in his wake. The two fillies did their best to catch up, but wings weren't allowed in these little competitions. The brown colt laughed as he gained a quick lead, his eart pony endurance showing as he sprinted for more than a hundred yards before stopping. The end of the race was not voluntary; something sticking out of the ground had tripped him.

“What is that?” Gingersnap was a smart cookie, but she didn't know what the half-buried, white cylinder was. In fact, the thing looked like a thermos without the cap, or maybe that was just underground.

“It looks like something from my dad's sketchpad.” Scipia had seen her father's take on the idea of a dream journal: a large artist's sketchbook filled cover to cover with hand-drawn schematics for everything imaginable. Green magic enveloped the unusual item, easily releasing it from its earthen prison. It was white, covered in dust, and almost as long as her dad's forearm.

At that moment, Scipia realized the importance of what she'd found.

You Know What, Fine

Scipia looked at her father's helmet with a slight apprehension. She had seen her dad wearing the armor, but never understood how he saw without holes for his eyes. However, this was the first time she was looking through the files saved onto what her dad called a hard drive, like a filing cabinet inside the mask. The display was holographic, and responded to disturbances in the light, almost like is was a living thing. The first thousand or so were labeled in a blocky, geometric script the young queen couldn't quite recognize, though the final thirty were perfectly legible.

The very first was recorded on the day of her birth, late in the afternoon. Scipia almost wanted to find out what her father thought of her on her first day on Equus, how her first impression was. She rapidly moved her hoof up, scrolling through the list on dates and names. The second file was from six years ago, and was labeled Might Have a Full-Blown Meatgrinder Soon. Scipia knew a meat grinder was used to process meat into a form that was easier to chew, but she'd never seen it used as one word.

Got a Letter Today was the next title, written the day before her dad left for Canterlot to fight in the war. He had left and returned home on the same day, a year later. Scipia had been two or three years old at the time, but one of her earliest memories was of writing a letter to her dad. Time prevented the two from being related, but the note mentioned must have been important if her father left the day after to fight. The quickly moved her hoof through the ghostly display twice, ordering the armor to open the indicated file. Scipia didn't really know what she was expecting.

Labyranthia and the Pridelands are teaming up, Draconia had an embargo with Equestria, and Zebrica's Borderlands have erupted into a near-genocide. Princess Celestia has some really nice timing for getting the band back together, doesn't she? Even as I write this, my thoughts are on my family, and the ponies I'll be looking out for, though I doubt there will be any distinction between the two once combat starts. Jay will be catching tomorrow's train; he's spending the day saying goodbye to Applejack and Candied Apple. I let Scipia and Chrysalis sleep in this morning, not like Chrissy needs the added stress. She already knows about this, picked up my letter before I got home.

Scipia will turn three next week, hope I'm back in time.

The young queen didn't quite know what to think. This entry was the first reference she had seen of her dad in Mercenary Mode, as her mother liked to call it. His words weren't eloquent, but still sincere, almost like honesty just radiated form the holographic display. There was poetic simplicity, the bluntness Scipia had heard Miss Cheerilee say she was glad hadn't rubbed off on the changeling. Knowing where the diary was leading to, but uncaring, the queen double-pushed the next entry.

Celestia is a moron sometimes. Yeah, her techies were able to reverse-engineer the assault weapons Jay and I brought with us, but without the advanced means of production, we are limited to a handful of incredibly obsolete firearms. Not flintlocks, thank the heavens, but muzzle-loaders. They'll put a lead shot downrange accurately up to one hundred yards, but they lack all but the most basic of iron sights. That's the good news, unfortunately.

The princess, in her infinite wisdom, is sending Jay, Prince Shining Armor, and myself to the possible front. We are to be pulled out at the first sign of violence. She hoping to use our presence as intimidation, drawing on stories of the Burned Man and Pyromaniac. Too bad Jay and I don't look a bit like we used to,not by a long shot. My buddy built a suit of metal, polished to a fine silver, and decked out with more painted flames than a trashy muscle car. I'm in the Deceiver's armor, so I should at least be a little scary, but not quite on the level of my ragged bandages.

EDIT 1845 LOCAL TIME - We've already loaded onto the train, but something doesn't sit too well with me. Shining Armor, the same guy who I'd trust with my life, told Cadence he'd be home in time for Hearth's Warming Eve. If I hadn't been sure we were riding to a slaughter, I am now. Thankfully, Cadenza pulled me aside and asked me to look after her hopeless husband while we are out of the country. I told her that I would, if she would pass along my wishes to Scipia for a happy birthday in the event I am unable to pull back. After all, she'll turn three the day after tomorrow.

Author's Note

Take this however you will

Guess What's on Its Way

Equestria? Running smoothly.

International politics? Easy going.

State of the kingdom? Boring.

As much as Princess Celestia enjoyed the peace and quiet, she was beginning to miss the noise she had acclimated to, ten years ago. An entire decade, time had seemingly slipped away from the immortal. Had it really been that long? Even as she gazed into her sister's night sky, the alicorn began to wonder if the universe was just pretending to be at ease to lull her into a false sense of security. In reality, she knew only Discord could pose a threat at this point, and he was completely reformed now. Well, more or less.

Adventure. The word just seemed to call to her, like a chilling breeze slicing through the heaviest of coats, but just as similar to a warm hearth. The regent huffed, fogging her window for the briefest of moments. Non, she couldn't just go and have an adventure, not now, not when Equestria was vulnerable to outside attack. Honestly, her ponies had grown complacent in the peace, lacking even the occasional rampaging monster that had once been an almost weekly occurrence. Really, all it would take was Spike becoming greedy for a day to whip everypony back into shape. Sadly, that was easier said than done, given his disciplined nature these days.

A shooting star arced across the night sky, and Celestia briefly entertained making a wish. She found the tradition ridiculous, knowing the true reason the specks of light fell from the canvas that was the sky. The common pony even knew this, that gravity pulled rocks from space, yet the superstition that wishing on a shooting star would ensure it came true persisted. But, even with her knowledge firm in hoof, a small part of her wanted to, just to feel like a filly again. A chuckle drew the diarch from her thoughts, its source surely the only being capable of going where he pleased in the palace.

“Princess,” Discord practically purred, obviously enjoying the fact he startled the immortal. The draconequus was perfectly aware of what the regent had been “You know as well as I that you should be careful what you wish for.”

“Oh, what's the harm in entertaining a few playful thoughts at this hour?” The alabaster alicorn was feeling tired, and truly saw no problem in making the tiny request to reality. Equestria, and the planet of Equus in general, was a bit of a cosmic dumping ground for the multiverse. Things, little odds and ends, ended up on the world, and often in the kingdom's borders. There was even a tank in Ponyville at the moment, and that was far from the strangest thing to randomly appear.

“I recall a number of insidious villains, conniving thieves, and grim assassins.” The mismatched male cocked his head to the side, blowing a small bubble as he spoke. He wasn't chewing gum; it was just something he did.

“You aren't seriously suggesting adventure is going to fall from the sky, are you?” Celestia asked, skeptical.

Author's Note

It was asked of me, and I shall deliver.
Title: I Blame You, Too

What Can Go Wrong

What you may read in this, as you have the option to leave at any point, is the bastard offspring of a Skype call with my friend Proto, whom you will read about by his real name: Jay. This is a dual self-insert that will mainly be done for shits and giggles. Some of the content within may be considered offensive, because I’m not censoring Jay nor myself, we are rude, crude highschool sophomores that joke about things no sane human being would.

You have been warned.

$%$%$%$%$%$

“In chips.” My friend, Jay, gave the punchline of a joke.

“Goddammit, Jay.” I said through gritted teeth, trying not to laugh, and failing miserably. “We're going to hell for that one.”

“Oh sure, we go to hell for a dead baby joke, but not for laughing at Bus Roh Dah.” Jay quieted down, but was still laughing. This was how our conversations went, telling jokes of horrible tastes, Jay helping me edit The Equestrian Bloodmoon, or talking about funny aspects of My Little Pony. The two of us were probably the most fucked up bronies to ever exist, and that says something.

“Bus Roh Dah was different, that was actually funny,” I replied. How could he not get this? Dead baby jokes are just awful, but Fus Roh Dah videos were hilarious.

“Hey Taylor,” Jay began.

“What?”

“What's grosser than gross?”

“I don't know, what?” I think I know where this is going.

“A garbage can full of dead babies.” Jay started laughing, “You know what's grosser than that?”

“No, what?” God help me.

“The one at the bottom is still alive.” I choked up at that one. “You know what's grosser than that?”

“Go fuck yourself, Jay.”

“He has to eat his way out.” Jay's laughter went up by about ten decibels. “You know what's grosser than that?”

“I hope you burn in hell while Satan rapes you.”

“Well, fine, be that way.” Jay finally shut up, which I found to be much more enjoyable than I should have. I got back to work on my favorite side project, which I was currently soldering one of its circuits closed. I probably should have unplugged it before starting, but that was my mistake to make.

“MUFFINS!” Right as Jay yelled that, the circuit completed, using my hand as a conductor.

“Sonofabitch!” I dropped the cylinder onto the floor and clutched my hand. Having a few thousand volts run through my hand hurt like, well, having high voltage electricity running through my hand! I couldn't think of an analogy that was better than that.

“Did you shock yourself again?” I could hear the trolling in his voice.

“The fuck do you think?”

“I think that you are a complete moron for working on that project.”

“Let's see you build something like this, then.” Some men just want to watch the world rage. My project would revolutionize the world, if I ever completed it, that is. It's not like I go around wasting my time about it, either, this is seriously difficult.

“Do you seriously think it's going to work?” Jay never did like my wild ideas, unless they pertained to comedy. “Everything about it is flawed. It will never work.”

“Go back to being scared of Cupcakes, Jay, and let real men do what has to be done.”

“We still going to hang out tomorrow?”

“Always.” With that, I ended the Skype call and went back to work. Tomorrow was Sunday, and I'd already finished this week's Bloodmoon update, which gave me plenty of time to work. Just a few more calibrations and this bad boy would be ready to rock. Faster than light travel, FTL for short, was only theorized to my knowledge, and this amazing piece of all American technology was the closest anyone had ever come. Years ago I set out to make this dream a reality, I came close, but the experiment exploded violently.

But this time, oh this time, I'd succeed, I’d make believers out of the entire world. The device was compact, powerful, and ran on a rechargeable battery, all good qualities to have for an experimental prototype. Some people wondered how a teenager could create something like this, to which I would always say that my best ideas come to me when I need to sleep. What can I say, my muse is a fickle bitch. My laptop pinged as the program finished it diagnostic run-through, all systems functioning and the device was ready to fire.

The trial run tomorrow would be my second, I’d rather not make a fool of myself in the event this didn't work. On one side of my room, I had a stool with a Pepsi can resting on it, a similar stool was in front of the opposite wall. I flipped a pair of polarized sunglasses over my eyes and gripped the cylinder of my precious invention. With the simple press of a button, the can was gone.

But it didn't reappear on the other stool, like I’d programmed it to. My laptop beeped the Skype alert: Jay was calling. Frustrated about my partial failure, I answered.

“Why did a Pepsi can just just fly out of my laptop?”

“What makes you think this is my fault?” I asked my friend. Seriously, the guy blames me for shit I don't do.

“Because you always have something to with freaky shit.” Jay sounded annoyed, then again, I would be too if an aluminum can flew out of my laptop and smacked me in the face. “Remember the zom-”

“I get it, Jesus Christ, you don't know how to let shit go.” Now that had been a wild weekend. “But, seriously though, a Pepsi can?”

“Taylor, I don't joke around with soft drinks, you know this.” Jay was being serious for once, not a good sign. “Now, why the fuck did a can fly at me?” That made no sense, the FTL gun was specifically tuned to a certain receiver, or other FTL guns, just in case I get it working. But, Jay didn't have one of my prototypes with him. Wait a second, he technically had parts of it.

During a small accident, my fault, his old laptop was fucked up beyond recognition. So, as an act of apology, I built him a new one, out of scrapped parts from my previous attempts at FTL travel. He now had Frankenstein's Laptop Monster on his desk, doing his homework for him, I'm an awesome friend. Had I even put a receiver in there? Yes, yes I did, as a replacement for a USB port that needed to be installed.

“Jay, I may be mistaken, but I think I just spit in the face of God.”

“Sweet.”

%$%$%$%$%$%

Sunday finally came, after a night of fitful sleep. I actually dream about The Equestrian Bloodmoon, that's my main source of ideas, and that had been a freaky one, definitely NSFW. But, that was behind me, my destination was only fifteen minutes away, now. My old Chevy might not look nice, but she gets me where I need to go, and right now, I needed to get to Jay's. A dip in the road jostled my truck, and my FTL gun fell into the floorboard. I reached down to pick it up.

An eighteen wheeler sounded its horn, “Shit!” I swerved to avoid the near certain death. Yep, just another day in Alabama, the third time I nearly died on this road, one that rigs weren't even allowed to drive on. I'll admit, I'm not the best driver when fully focused, so the added distraction of my precious cargo only added to the danger I posed behind the wheel. I pulled into Jay's driveway, his parents were away, so were his annoying ass neighbors.

“You ready to test this out?” Jay asked, holding his laptop, prepared for the possibility of a repeat of last night.

“You bet your ass I am.” I grinned as I set up the target. If Jay's laptop would fire whatever is hit with the FTL gun like a cannon, then we needed to test the impromptu weapon's capabilities. A foam block would be our target.

Jay tossed a baseball, and I hit the projectile with pinpoint accuracy. Like clockwork, the ball flew from the laptop and destroyed the foam brick, success! Several more trials later, my friend had an epiphany.

“What if you shoot the laptop with the thing?” I looked at Jay like he was a genius.

“Well, why the fuck not?” I aimed and readied the gun. “What's the worst that could happen?”

I fired.

And the world exploded.

Insert Clever Title Here

Jay and the pony trio had relaxed somewhat, at least the flutist got to sit on a cushion. Which was more than he could probably say for his friend, once that letter gets sent, Celestia will come rolling in, metaphorical guns blazing. The teen just hoped he could set things straight before then, Taylor would understand, he was just doing what needed to be done.

“Why is this Taylor coming to kill us?” Twilight was unable to wrap her head around the scenario.

“Humans have close ties to Discord, Taylor thinks that with one, or all, of you dead, the Elements' hold over the God of Chaos will be broken.” Jay shook his head, and tried to look as close to that guy from Terminator as he could, the burned-out soldier facade might help his case.

“Why would he want to bring Discord back?” Fluttershy still spoke in a soft voice, but had made improvements around the teen.

“Taylor has a chemical imbalance in his brain.” The flutist scoffed at his own response, he knew his friend had a few screws loose, but who didn't? To go that far with it was unacceptable in his mind. “Makes him think things out, but see things as logical even if they make no sense.”

“The lore entry doesn't mention any connection to Discord, or chaos in general, though.” Jay had managed to unleash Twilight's inner nerd, and she wanted more knowledge. “Why would Taylor think about releasing something evil like that, anyway?” Twilight apparently hadn't heard Fluttershy ask the exact question earlier. To the Unicorn's surprise, the human laughed.

“Trying to base a conclusion about humanity from one subject is using one painting as a reference for every work of art ever made.” The teen waved his hands as he spoke, an odd habit. “But, about your mention of evil, it doesn't exist.”

“How can ya say that, when there's plenty a' evil things in th' world?” Applejack didn't follow his reasoning, nopony really could without some cultural insight.

“By my own experience, evil doesn't exist, and neither does good. Nature has no place for them, nature knows only balance and imbalance, two sides of a scale.”

“If either side gets too heavy, or gets too much influence...” Twilight trailed off, but everypony knew what she was getting at.

“Then the scale falls over.” Jay was never philosophical, but he'd had a few deep conversations with his friend about things like this. “I assume I don't need to explain it.”

“So, Taylor's trying to tip the scale?” Twilight was starting to understand just how serious this situation was.

“No, he's trying to restore balance, in his own, weird way.” The flutist was met with strange, curious looks from the three. “Like I said earlier, he doesn't think like a normal human.” Things settled after that. Applejack's apprehension about the human was still at high levels. Once you set off her bullshit alarm, you can't earn her trust without really working for it.

But all the relaxation washed away when a purple dragon opened the door.

$%$%$%$%$%$

I was glad it wasn't raining outside the forest, that was the last thing I needed right now. I had a lot on my mind at the moment, and that could affect my performance. Jay's being held in Ponyville, likely Twilight's library, Celestia may have been informed, actually, that was almost a given. In an equal level of importance, Trixie was pretending to be asleep earlier, she underestimated how easily awoken I am. I'll probably have to find her, and patch her up again when I get back.

Was Ponyville usually swarming with Royal Guards? I don't think it is. Jay must have royally screwed the pooch on this one. Come on, Taylor, think. What would Big Boss do in a situation like this? It was then that I knew what must be done. I hoped I was as stealthy as I thought, because if I get caught, I’m fucked.

I ducked down behind some shrubbery, just in front of a house, shutters drawn. Dark green and brown are good camouflage at night, and with the light fog that drifted in from the Everfree, combined with the thin veil of clouds blocking the moon, conditions were perfect. A patrol moved by, Equestrian flashlights are designed to be held in the mouth, so they couldn't give orders to each other. Let's see them call for help.

There was one at the back, young, he was scared out of his mind right now. He didn't have a light with him, so shouting would be a problem, but at least I wouldn't have to worry about the flash alerting anyone. I crept up behind him and pulled out my knife. In an instant, I had him back in my hiding spot, mouth clamped over, and blade at his throat. I smashed the pommel into the junction between his skull and spine, a small portion of the spinal cord is exposed there, as in most vertebrates. With proper pressure, he was rendered unconscious, with no long-term side effects, hopefully.

I searched his body for a map, orders, anything I could find. Let's see... wallet, keys, love letter, ah! Here we are, orders from Princess Celestia. I read every line of it, several times in fact. Jay, you sonofabitch, when I get my hands on you...

“STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL SCUM!” The voice was perfect, and I nearly shat my pants in fear, oh, the Oblivion flashbacks. I didn't think, I just ran. Damn these boots and their steel toes, always making my nailbeds sore, and curse the metal shavings that stabbed my feet as I ran. I didn't have a map, but I had wild abandon and no regard for my own safety. They wanted to catch a monster, I’ll show them a monster.

I rounded a corner, a familiar tree came into view, Princess Celestia and Jay were talking to each other, and three of the Mane Six were outside, looking in. The two guards posted at the door held my attention, though, as I ran by. Like hell I was going to willingly be in the same room as the sun goddess. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed the group watching me, including the Princess. I was thankful that the two guards didn't give chase, at least they followed orders.

The squad from earlier was still in hot pursuit, why did they have to follow orders? I jumped onto a ladder, there was no way they could follow up here, and for good measure, I threw the ladder down. That's when I noticed the Pegasi in their group. Time to pull a Faith, too bad I've never played Mirror's Edge, and never done parkour in my life. Nevertheless, I took off in a dead sprint.

Why did buildings in Ponyville have to be so rustic? If I wasn't slipping on shingles, I was falling through thatching.

“COME ON, JUST GIVE UP!” I heard the guards voice, but had no fucks to give. I jumped from one rooftop to the next, hoping for a break, some cover. I may have had my gun, but just because I can, doesn't mean I should.

“GO FUCK YOURSELF!” Might as well piss them off, not like I care about their feelings. Wait, shit, if they catch me, they can get me back for it, just great. I focused on running again, searching for an escape route, anything would do. I noticed a slim crevice in between two residential, apartment-style buildings. That was as good as it'd get, I suppose, so I jumped into it.

Who puts a balcony in an alley? Not that I’m angry, or anything, just perplexed at this oddity. I checked the door, locked, just my luck. Hoofsteps from inside neared, most likely the owner. My pursuers pass over, and swoop down to grab me. I jumped and land in a pile of trash, did anyone clean these up, ever?

I shook myself, to get in gear, and bolted through the web of connected alleyways. Left, left, right, left, right, right, and... brick wall. A door is to my left, and another on my right, neither are locked, but which do I choose? Fuck it, I'm going left, choosing right got me in this mess.

“If I'd known a human would come in my back door, I'd leave it unlocked more often.” That was a strange voice, female, with a touch of both humor and amazement. The room was dim, but at least I'd evaded those chasing me, for now. So I'm not looking the gift horse in the mouth.

“You aren't going to turn me in, are you?” I had to ask, in between my panting, I’ve never run that far in my life.

“Of course not, I've been waiting for a moment like this since I was a little filly.” The voice giggled a bit. Damn, why hadn't my eyes adjusted yet? I needed to see who to thank. I squeezed my eyes shut, and opened them, yep, that reflex still worked. I looked at the mare who'd taken me in, and nearly screamed like a little, manly girl.

I was looking at Lyra Heartstrings.

$%$%$%$%$%$
That awkward moment when you unintentionally put in innuendo.

The Chapter That Causes a Rush of Un-Fav's

Not gonna lie, this took longer to update than I'd have liked. But, better late than never, right?
Also, not the biggest update, but at least I'm back in the saddle.
Unedited because I finished it at 3 a.m., uploaded at 5:20 a.m.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

Have I mentioned that I'm not a fan of travel? Well, I'm not. But, a train to Canterlot is kind of a long trip, and I really don't want to be here. I was just about to do something important, too, but no Celestia needs me for something important.

Wait, you're confused, aren't you?

Thought so. Let me start where I left off, shall I?

$%$%$%$%$%$%

To start things off, we've been in Equestria for about two months, now.

After Lyra became human for a day, things pretty much mellowed out for Jay and myself. We still hadn't found the FTL gun, even with constant searching and a number of Royal Guards scouring the Everfree Forest for any sign of it, we still had nothing. By then, the two of us weren't really concerned with getting home, Equestria was nice enough, even if we were considered strange to this peaceful world. Actually, I think that's it's good enough to permanently immigrate to, which Celestia fully supported.

Jay actually had a steady job, and housing for the foreseeable future. He was bunking with the Rarity, oddly enough, but still worked at Sweet Apple Acres. I'm actually living with Lyra and Bon-Bon, that had been an awkward dinner. I work as a handyman around town, or whenever Twilight needs me for something. My truck's out of gas, by the way, she's pretty much just sitting in the alley behind Lyra's house. Oh, before I forget, Trixie's still around, we hang out a lot, mostly so other ponies don't mess with her. There are some real bitches in Ponyville, just saying.

Things seemed pretty normal, until Lyra got a letter in the mail, from someone in Canterlot.

It was from somepony she knew, apparently, the human-loving mare was going to be a bridesmaid at Equestria's royal wedding. Pretty sweet, if you ask me. I cared for it about as much I did for Britain’s recent shebang, which is to say, not at all. Well, I didn't care until we sorted though our communal mail pile.

Jay received the same letter as me, Princess Celestia was commissioning us to work security.

Which is why I'm riding a goddamned train right now.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

“This can only end well.” Jay wasn't in the mood to ride a locomotive, can't say I blame him. The two of us had to leave a day before the Elements, for security reasons, of course. The only good thing that has come out this entire situation is the fact that Celestia is leaving me alone, she finally isn't talking to me in my head.

“Oh, you see the forcefield, too?” While we may have missed the wedding episode, the two of us knew something was going down, advertisements had assured us. This strange, purplish bubble may be what's keeping Celestia from contacting me, might be a magic jammer. Maybe it stops things from absorbing magical energy, then going through might hurt slightly. “This is gonna suck.”

We didn't know how close we were until a bubbling, pinkish wall began to ghost through the passenger car.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

Princess Celestia had seen better days. With the upcoming wedding, and the threats of an attack on Canterlot, security had been upped tenfold, even the two alicorns were constantly watched. That was part of the reason she had turned to Equestria's newest inhabitants, really, it made sense. Hiring a creature that existed only in myth was great for intimidating one's enemies, and it helped that they were from a species that had warfare in its blood.

“Well, captain, here come your newest security chiefs.” At least Jay and Taylor would lighten the workload, and the Solar Princess had a surprise for them. The train pulled into the station, and the car reserved for the humans stopped directly in front of the royal alicorn. The doors opened...

… and revealed Jay and Taylor, twitching on the floor.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

Ever been hit by a TASER? For those that have, you know my pain right now. Humans possess an innate resistance to magic, and many things in Equestria react abnormally to our presence. I've seen Twilight misfire a few spells because I was too close to her, Trixie's tricks go haywire, and Lyra loses all ability to play her lyre, all because of proximity. Needless to say, passing through a magical barrier felt like being shocked by Colonel Volgin.

“Fucking hate you, Tia.” I rolled around as much as I could, trying to to correct my muscles, stop the twitching. I'm surprised that Celestia wasn't mad at me for calling her by that name.

“Are you two alright?” The Princess and a stallion that I didn't recognize rushed into the car. I didn't give a response, the royal pony knew that I would be just fine, but Jay was making a weird, gurgling noise. He might need medical attention.

“Don't use magic to move us, just get a couple of stretchers.”

$%$%$%$%$%$%

“Well, I suppose I should have sent for you before Shining Armor erected the barrier.” Celestia at least knew how to apologize when she was wrong.

“I'm sorry, who?” I sipped on my drink, cold lemonade always calms people down after being inadvertently tortured by magic.

“Me.” The white stallion seated next to Celestia raised a hoof. My first impression of him wasn't very flattering, quite the opposite, really. “You might know my sister, Twilight Sparkle.”

“Yeah we know her.” Jay's reaction to the barrier had been far worse than mine, but he was coping just fine. Probably has something to do with my more constant exposure to magic, might make me more resistant to the stuff.

“I wonder why she never mentioned you.” I wasn't being mean, it was a genuine curiosity of mine.

“Probably just never came up.” Armor shrugged his shoulders and dismissed the thought. He was right though, we never really discussed family and friends, mostly because Jay and myself were currently separated from ours, with no foreseeable reunion. I took a big gulp of my drink before I moved the conversation along.

“So, Princess, who's getting hitched?” Celestia blinked in response.

“That's a bit blunt, but you're not one for pleasantries.” The alabaster alicorn huffed in annoyance, but still acted as though she would tell me. Probably would have, too, but she was denied the privilege.

“Me, again.” The white stallion developed a wistful haze in his eyes. “She's the nicest, most wonderful mare in Equestria.”

“And I couldn't care less.” I've been hired for a security job, the second one I've worked in my life. I am both unwilling and incapable when it comes to dealing with people in a respectful manner, barring military personnel and the elderly. “Just let me know who I don't need to beat down.”

“I thought stay with my little ponies would have mellowed you out a little.” Celestia was joking, a feeling in my gut told me so. Spending so much time telepathically communicating with the monarch had taught me two things: That I can understand the immortal mare, and that ruling over a court was very, very boring.

“You should have known better, Tia.”

$%$%$%$%$%$%

SNEAK PEAK

“Jay, Taylor, welcome to [REDACTED].”

“I think you just killed half of my brain cells.”

“Oh come on, I've been wanting to make that joke since I met you two.”

Adam Sandler is Always the Love Interest, Regardless of What Role he's Playing.

“It started tens of thousands of years ago; ponies, zebras, changelings, everything with hooves is a descendant of the original proto-equines that once roamed Equus.” Chrysalis rattled off her words like the beginning to an evolutionary biology lecture, something I was quite pleased by. The bound queen seemed to take notice, and a small nod passed between us as understanding took root. “With the advancement into intelligence came the inevitable rise of true war.”

“And this war brought the Deceiver to Equus?” Such an odd name for a planet, but Earth isn't really much better, I suppose. My question was legitimate in my own mind, and it was possible that any armed conflict involving the equines of this world would product magical fallout. Such interference and abundance of radiation may have contributed to the vast number of objects from across multiple universes appearing in the land.

“Not quite, but the changelings do credit him to the survival of our relatively young race.” Something didn't quite add up to me about that statement.

“Battle sparked mutation in your kind?” It was absurd, but I suppose stranger things had happened in our own history. The broodmother seemed to understand her mistake, and quickly corrected herself.

“We didn't actually start fighting until after the racial differentiation occurred.” That made much more sense, and Chrysalis took my approving nod as encouragement to continue. “And the Deceiver didn't show up until we had our backs against a wall.” At that point, the insectoid mare seemed to fly back to her own childhood, when she was first told the tale. It was something odd, I mean the sharing of two cultures, not the reliving the past thing. “His magic tossed our enemies aside and helped us carve out the Badlands as our own territory.”

“Hold up, you're telling me this guy had magic?” It was unlikely, unless he was from a universe that had magical humans or advanced technology that could easily be confused for sorcery. That narrowed it down to psionics and psykers from various bits of fiction, maybe toss in biotics for good measure, but I had a base to begin my investigation. That wasn't even counting wizards and shit.

“You're talking to an emotional vampire that can shift her form into whatever she wishes, and you draw the line at human magic?” While she raised a good point, I wasn't about to tell her so. Of course, she knew that I thought she both started and ended a debate with one sentence, so there wasn't really a point of denying besides keeping her from hearing me actually say it.

“Let's move on.” The quill had filled up about half a page, and it would have been able to fit much more had it not copied our tones of voice and added its own context where needed. Stupid thing, any voice recognition software could do its job without most of the hassle, but it would be just perfect if we had digital recorders instead. “What does the Deceiver have to do with the invasion?”

“He's been dead for longer than Celestia has been alive, even one as wise as the Deceiver couldn't foresee last week's events.” I have no way of knowing is the changeling was lying, she was a born illusionist and would be rather difficult to peg with anything. “The Grand Matron tasked me with the mission.”

“I'm sorry, who?” The fuck was she talking about? First the Deceiver and now someone with a title that just screams megalomaniacal cunt comes out of the woodwork.

“My mother, as well as the mother of the other nineteen queens that comprise the Swarm.” Twenty powerful beings under the leadership of a single person that had given rise to them, and was likely the most powerful of any changeling to currently walk the planet? That sounds oddly familiar... “I was given the all-important mission of setting the Deceiver's final prophecy in motion.”

“Let me guess, some bullshit about the changelings rising up and ruling Equus, and the Deceiver and his fellow men would lead the world into a new era of peace?” That was a little something I liked to call Standard Villain Plan #2 (aka the Scar Initiative).

“Actually, the Deceiver knew that more humans would come to Equus, and he knew that everything must be brought to light for this world to truly have peace.” She wasn't talking about the tense time between rival nations that never resulted in bloodshed, but actual peace. As much as I like the sound of utopia, many men had made the same claims in the past. “When our Swarm was powerful enough, a hive was to be sent out on a suicide mission, the warlike humans would be drawn to the Badlands for revenge.”

“And suddenly the Deceiver's technology is in human hands and it's up to them to protect everybody from themselves.” Chrysalis' eye bugged out a bit, almost like she didn't expect me to put the pieces together. Then again, I could have also been completely wrong about everything.

“Well, it he was more about helping others to achieve peace, rather than ruling over them.”

$%$%$%$%$%$%

Pinkie Pie was having a rather odd day, by Pinkie Standards, anyway. It was also night, but she was till referring to it as day for some reason, but that was beside the point. Jay had a new flamethrower, and Taylor had found somepony he could truly test himself against, but there had been littl involvement for the pink party pony. Even in the earlier days of their stay in Equestria, neither of them was too keen on attending their own Welcome-to-Ponyville Party. But, in time, Pinkie understood that they weren't from Equus, and therefore very unlikely to enjoy the local customs.

So, Pinkie brought a bit of human culture to Ponyville. The fifth surprise party she planned to welcome the two teens with was held inside Twilight's library, and she had done enough to cater to both of their needs. As soon as the Taylor stepped inside, a massive, green stallion charged the teen. Waaagh! Pinkie could still hear the fake battlecry the colt had shouted, she could also recall the strange anger that had come over the larger human. After dousing the berserk ape in frosting, it was easy to bring him around.

Jay had arrived half an hour later, and had been much harder to prepare for. Musical instruments seemed to be the best option, and Taylor had provided the ideas for clarinets. Apparently Jay hated clarinets and those that played them. It went without saying that the flautist hadn't enjoyed the notion, and there had been more than a few harsh words said over the fiasco. Followed by drinking punch and lots of laughter, so Pinkie had chalked it up to one of the many discrepancies in human and pony culture, and she loved it.

Which brought her to today, and the odd absence of both teens from, well, everywhere. Taylor was off somewhere inquiring or whatever the princesses had him doing, and Jay just about fell off the map. Pinkamena Diane Pie sighed in frustration, which was very out of character for her, but it wasn't like anything that happened was how it was meant to be. With universe so out of order, it was odd to keep tack of everything and everypony Pinkie was responsible for, and that included Equestria's newest humans.

Pinkie wondered if there was even a plot to follow.

Not Quite Hunting in the Sand

The Borderlands was a stretch of land roughly two hundred square miles in size that rested between Equestria and Zebrica. The small area counted as a separate nation, but had no economy or industry to speak of, nor any sort of formal government. The Borderlands' inhabitants had never progressed beyond isolated villages and barely had a passing understanding of the wheel. They only maintained their existence because no one wanted the dust the locals called home. Gurabba gave a rough estimation that ten percent of the population was human, the remainder being zebras or any other race that came to the Borderlands to escape law enforcement or something else. Speaking of which, there was actually an act of attempted genocide against minotaurs about a hundred years ago, so this place is about as dangerous as they come.

It being a savannah, the Borderlands was a very warm place. Riding inside Leviathan help tremendously, even though the viewscreens arrowed our sight on the caravan. Given the nature of our mission, something Gurabba summed up as pretending to be money, it was better for everyone involved to stay within the steel behemoth. After fighting and recruiting Chrysalis, I never thought I'd be hired to stop village raids in some backwater shithole, but vital trade routs ran through the grassland. According to Gurabba, we would either be attacked on our way to the small village of Cuatla.

“I don't suppose you've been here before?” I looked at Chrysalis, who was by far the oldest member of our motley crew. I should specify that just about everyone Jay and I have met since coming to Equestria had been in their late teens or early twenties, barring the princesses and obviously old. Twilight actually turned twenty-one just before we showed up.

“No, my older sister, Pupae, is in charge of the Zebrican hive and the Borderlands.” I knew by the dethroned queen's voice that we would not be meeting her sibling, and I was glad for it. Though, that would be a fight worth watching. With everyone else sleeping or otherwise occupied, caravan driving would be dull if not for conversation. “But we can expect strangeness ahead.”

“How so?” I busied myself with cleaning Leviathan's ammunition foundry. Yeah, the tank the size of a city block has machines inside that make new rounds and shells for it if you put in the raw materials. With only three more shells for the Mega Battle Cannon and about a hundred for the bolters, I needed to loot some guns and ammo of mercs or buy the chemical components when we got back to Equestria.

“Well, how do you feel about hyenas, rouge griffon warbands, and scorpion people?” To be honest, that wasn't anything I didn't think I couldn't handle. When Chrysalis saw the wry grin start to form on my face, she shook her head. “One of these days you're gonna find something more stubborn than you.”

“What do you think this big guy is for?” I rapped a fist against Leviathan's hull, the machine spirit responded in kind by revving the engine hard enough for everyone to feel.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

The drive went off without a hitch, and we arrived at Cuatla ahead of schedule. Even through my bandages, I could feel the intense sun bearing down on me. Everyone else was fairing much better, but Jay's success at beating the heat was likely his lightweight firesuit. Yeah, we brought a flamethrower to a dry grassland, want to make something of it?

“I trust you are our new sentries?” A man, and I mean man as in human, walked up to us. I could tell right away that he had been born on Equus, something just didn't scream of Earth when looking at him.

“Mercenaries.” Bon-Bon spoke before anyone that held the contract had the chance, earning a surprised look from the local. I should note that under normal circumstances, Chrysalis and Lyra would have been all over the new guy, but you know these were hardly normal circumstances.

“Right, Gurabba sent ahead for us to prepare rooms for you.” The stranger motioned for us to follow, and we reluctantly complied. Even Leviathan strolled behind us as we made our way through the shantytown. The white-haired man waved at passersby on the way, stopping twice to make smalltalk. When we reached a large building, large by Cuatla standards, the man turned on his heel. “My name is Semeru, by the way. Just ask Jacqueline if you need anything.”

The white-haired man with the strange name walked away, leaving everyone silently questioning things. The zebra ambassador had indeed told us he would send ahead, but he never mentioned anything about accommodations. This creamed of a trap, or oddly hospitable locals, and thus presented a predicament. We could either risk offending the townsfolk by sleeping inside Leviathan, or risk or own safety if its a ploy to lull us into a false sense of security. There also a third option, one where this was a test to see how capable we were, but that seemed a bit farfetched.

“I think we should split even.” Jay's voice was only slightly muffled by his gas mask, but sounding cool was no excuse for such an idea. Separating would leave three of us out of Leviathan's protective range. “We have radios with distress beacons, wit one click we could have the other team covering us.”

“Well, there's no way I'm sleeping inside a giant machine that moves by itself.” Bon-Bon had always been that way, even when it was just my Chevy being parked behind her apartment. With the candy maker sleeping inside the ramshackle inn, Lyra was sure to follow, leaving me with a four-person squad of a magician, a changeling, and a Baneblade. In the event of ambush, I think it was safe to say my team wouldn't need to call for help.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

Wooden struts, most internal structures made of flammable materials. Despite Jay's outward appearances, he was actually quite intelligent, as evidence by his desire to sleep within a structure he could easily defend or destroy. A griffin by the of Jacqueline led the flautist and his two squadmates down the hall, hopefully traveling in the direction of their rooms. Conversation was not made other than to ask where basic utilities were, and that in itself made the teenager suspicious. Innkeepers were supposed to be friendly, or at least tolerably insulting, but the griffin seemed to distance herself entirely from her guests.

“How many beds will you be needing?” The griffin hen eyed the fuel tanks on Jay's back, a look of curiosity on her face as she wondered what could be inside them.

“Two, please.” Lyra had been the only courteous one so far, and that seemed to carry little weight on a job. With the two humans dressed to intimidate or in ways that benefited their style of combat, there was little room for pleasant discourse. With the number in mind, Jacqueline lead the trio down another hallway, showing just how much bigger the building was on the inside. At the very end of the corridor, though the pyromaniac was hesitant to call anything in this lace by such a fancy name, was an unassigned room.

“Here you are.” With that, the hen left the three to stew in their quarters. Jay estimated there was a total of eight walls separating them from the outside, that was of course a conservative guess, but he knew his team was still quite safe. One push of is distress signal would send Taylor and his trio crashing through the inn on a steel beast, and no fortress would slow Leviathan.

$%$%$%$%$%$%
Extra – Unmasking the Monster (Aka the next obligatory warhammer 40k bit)
Two weeks into the Dark Crusade, at the Equusian and Tau meeting place.

Aun'El Shi'Ores could hardly believe that the Equusian force commander wished to bargain a truce of sorts, or at least a temporary arrangement that would benefit the human's army. The Gue'la within was supposedly a fierce warrior and shrewd tactician, but he would likely be agreeable, given his mercy on Shas'o Kais. With a Kroot Shaper and a Water Caste diplomat, there was very little chance for misunderstandings to occur. That being said, the Ethereal had the Fire Caste commander at his side fully wreathed in a powerful stealth field.

“The Burned Man is expecting you.” The bird-feline hybrid said nothing else, but she and her counterpart relaxed and moved their weapons to a less threatening position. The strange title struck the Ethereal as odd, but the holy Tau entered the large tent ahead of his escorts, something he knew wold be seen as a sign of trust.

“Are you so sure they'll be fine with this?” The Tau stopped in their tracks, a female voice echoed from behind one of the canvas walls. Shi'Ores hadn't been aware of any female member of the human's personal bodyguard, so it was likely the Gue'la was speaking to his own leader.

“We have to try, princess; they're the only ones that can keep Chaos and the Eldar off our backs long enough for me to assassinate Gorgutz and Governor Alexander.” Eavesdropping was not an orthodox tactic used by Tau Ethereals, but the room the four servants to the Greater Good found themselves in seemed to be the appointed meeting chamber. Shas'o Kais almost alerted the human of their arrival when he choked back a surprised noise, the experienced Fire Warrior saw the Gue'la's masked helmet resting on the table in front of him.

“While I trust your judgment, I hope you will attempt to find more peaceful solutions to our problems. In the mean time, keep my sister and I informed.” The sound of a transmission being cut split the air like a knife. Por'El Shesh was the first to take a seat, followed swiftly by the other two natives of T'au; the Kroot Shaper chose to stand. The tent flap leading to the next room fluttered before opening, and the black-armored man of the hour stepped through.

“My apologies for making you wait.” The surprisingly young human took his own seat shortly before more insect-like equines followed. These were much larger than the ones seen on the battlefield, almost as tall as the average Tau, and easily twice as bulky as the other insectoids under Equusian control. The Burned Man, as the hybrids outside had referred to him as, seemed to either be in early adulthood or late adolescence. The dark circles under his eyes showed that the young human wasn't sleeping much, but the constant fighting was certainly to blame.

“I am the Ethereal called Shi'Ores, and my commander tells me you wish to negotiate.” The human nodded when the holy Tau finished his sentence, but said nothing else. This was seen as bureaucratic stalling on his end by the Shaper. Though, the silence could be seen as a way to display the compact Psychic Hood wrapped around much of his head.

“Yes, and there is little time to be lost.”

I've got You Under my Skin

Chrysalis watched Taylor sleep, more out of the possibility he might damage more property rather than personal enjoyment. Some ponies in town wondered why she put up with him, and their questioning was justified. Yes, the human could be over difficult to keep track of, but the queen owed him her life. It didn't matter that he was also the reason her life was in danger, at least not to her. It was known by the princesses and much of the Canterlot elite that Taylor was rather unusual when it came to his companions; he may not be nice to them, but heaven help whoever hurts someone the teen cared about. This even applied to Chrysalis, even though the tanker claimed to only keep her around because he deemed her useful.

He was lying, of course. After about the first week of her capture, the human had started being nice to her, trusting her. Then he started taking jabs at her whenever he could, playfully calling out deficiencies she had in certain areas in a way that wasn't rude or insulting, but still promoted improvement. Right about then, the broodmother felt his emotional stance on her shift to one of friendship, or whatever his closest analog for that emotion was. The slightly-unstable teenager had gotten over his hatred of physical contact enough to actually share a bed with the queen. That sort of comfort was easily noticed, and it had finally attracted unwanted attention.

With Matron Karapass or her praetorian guard nearby, there was little room to maneuver. While Chrysalis had been able to defeat Celestia using Shining Armor's love for Cadence, changelings being more like batteries that converted emotions into magic that could be stored until needed, the Grand Matron was likely that powerful on her own. In that sense, the dethroned queen could understand Taylor's fear, especially with the memory of him cowering before her at the wedding. Unlike then, a borderline-suicidal gambit involving a massive tank probably wouldn't work now. At least Matron Karapass wouldn't come to Ponyville herself if she didn't have peace on her mind, not that the thought of speaking to her wasn't horrifying in itself.

Chrysalis sighed and crawled into bed with the unconscious teen, making as little noise as possible. It would probably do her good to catch a nap, fully aware that Taylor would be awake at the first hint of the door moving. That boy was a strange one; the broodmother could shout all she wanted and he wouldn't wake up, but if somepony opened the door to wherever the teen was sleeping, he'd be lucid in an instant. Those situations usually involved a gun, preferably one of the larger calibers they'd looted from dead bandits in the Borderlands. The changeling giggled to herself, briefly wondering what went on the human's mind when he did things like that.

A smile flashed across her face when she realized she could do just that.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

I wonder why the statue and I hadn't thought of this before now. The choice seemed so obvious I almost thought I was an idiot for not having the realization sooner. The game we played was ancient and fair, something meant to be played between two strategically-minded individuals as a way to prove mental superiority. That being said, our game of chess was at a complete standstill. I had my pieces arranged to form a barrier between my king and the statue's aggressive movements. I had already removed the threat the sculpture's queen and rooks provided, but both bishops and one rook remained.

Soft clacking on the marble floor roused our attention as an unexpected guest made their presence known. Chrysalis, or maybe just a figment of my mind taking her form, walked towards the table, curious about what the sculpture and I were doing. A seat materialized next to me, and I wordlessly offered it to the possible illusion. Personally, I found the queen to be strange. Sure, we used to be enemies, and at one time I'd planned on killing her as soon as she stopped being interesting, but she'd really grown on me. A small part of me worried she was hypnotizing me over a period of weeks, but I knew that she wouldn't risk something like that, not when there were so many eyes on her. I gestured to the board as soon as Chrissy sat down, offering my next move to her in goodwill.

The queen used a knight to put the statue in check, and the offending piece was taken by the remaining rook. I used my queen to capture the final board-sweeper; so long as the sculpture didn't pull some crazy move out of its ass, I would win in three moves. Sadly, that seemed to be just the case. It took eighteen moves to finally settle things, leaving me with my queen and statue's only knight occupying the board alongside our kings. Chrysalis actually did most of the work, complementing my patient strategies with her more predatory movements until the statue could do nothing to stop us. I was ecstatic, even though I knew the maneuvering I would take to eliminate the pesky knight, victory was almost assured.

I had the changeling to thank for that, and the chapel we were in showed my gratitude. The scenery shifted to the Marehouse, flammable fluids were spilled about the floor as a scraggly version of me ran away from the big, bad queen. I could feel the broodmother at my side stiffen in fright, perhaps worried about the results of opening these old wounds. It was probably the greatest example of mixed signals I could create, but I wrapped an arm around her midsection. The sudden contact startled her, but she moved in closer, obviously not put off by my behavior. The statue seemed to take great delight in the display. Just before the part where I tossed the lighter down, Chrysalis and I looked at each other, remembering how that moment led to all the shit we'd been through together.

The damned statue used some psychic power of whatever to push our faces together.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

While looking into dreams was considered rude, Chrysalis certainly wasn't complaining with the results. The unexpected slamming of lips had woken both of them, but they hadn't exactly cared that this was the real world. A wandering hand snaked to the queen's ribs, the inquisitive fingertips drawing a delighted gasp as they rubbed over the sensitive exoskeleton. A slight chuckle came from the teen's throat, something that struck a nerve in the changeling broodmother. With a growl, she planted a hoof on Taylor's chest, intent on sh-

“Am I interrupting something?” Both participants jumped away from each other, red and green painted across their faces. The human and dethroned queen looked at their observer, even as a hand went for a gun. The visitor was a red pegasus mare, and Taylor knew he hadn't seen her around town before that afternoon. The stranger looked the teenager up and down, observing every scar and blemish that marred the evolved ape's exposed chest. A look of mirth crossed her face as her eyes flashed emerald green. “Chrissy, that one's barely more than a child, you could have done so much better.”

“Mom?!”

$%$%$%$%$%$%
Extra – Ain't That a Kick in the Head?
[Local Time: 14:56][Location: Cannot Connect to Local Beacon]

“How do you stand the heat?” Lyra levitated Taylor's jacket over her and Trixie's heads in an attempt to beat the heat. The larger of the two teenagers kept his .38 out, ready for any nasty surprises that might come their way.

“Evolution.” Despite the claim, the technophile's exposed skin was already blistering under the sun's rays, turning the flesh an angry red as time passed. The group kept walking, making sure to keep the vital electronics safe from any sort of harm. The El Dorado gas and service station had been a distant shadow an hour ago, but the building was becoming their only option as the sun started to set. Jay and Taylor knew exactly what kind of monsters crawled from their dens when night fell on the Mojave.

The old door provided much more effort than one would think, but proved that no one had been inside the structure in some time. The four-person team searched for everything they could find, which was little more than a few sarsaparillas and a handful of bottle caps.

“Taylor, we got a gun cabinet over here.” The flautist pointed at the locked storage unit, fully expecting his friend to magically open the thing. Without so mush as saying abracadabra, the short-haired youth shot the lock out. Inside the treasure trove was a small box of fifteen .357 rounds, as well as two broken-down revolvers of the same caliber. Jay ignored the two pistols in favor of the varmint rifle, hoping to counteract the weapon's pow power with its higher accuracy. The two humans handed a few bottles of clean water to the pair of mares, letting them have their fill.

“Listen, we need more power; the gun just won't work without more juice.” Taylor went to work on his new toys even as he spoke, and he obviously wasn't above using components from his grandmother’s pistol to build a decently-preserved weapon from the three revolvers. The human's fellow ape understood exactly what he meant.

“You can't be serious.” There were only two options for the group, and both were shitty. But Taylor would surely go with the choice that guaranteed at least a fighting chance. “This is insane, but it might be our only real solution.”

“Yeah.” The gunner sighed once. “Get as much rest as you can; tomorrow, we set course for Helios One.”

In 1953, the US and UK Worked Together to Overthrow the Democratic Iranian Government

Taylor was sprawled on his back, his breath ragged and heavy. He was in incredible pain; the dryad's venom was rampaging through his body, destroying nerves and coagulating blood. His eyes remained unfocused, forever staring off into the distance without so much as a blink. Chrysalis and Karapass were were the first to his side, with Luna just behind them. Cadence was forced to stay with the CMC, tasked with holding them from something that may scar them for life. Jay and Arachni leisurely strolled down the arena's stairwell; neither saw a real reason to run. If anything, they were delaying the trip for suspense.

The Burned Man was living up to his name; rising heat had practically melted the skin of his chest. Chrysalis smashed a glass vial against one of the teen's pauldrons, spilling a greenish fluid over the affected area. It was the same salve the Canterlot nurses gave him after the invasion, three days' worth compressed into a single dosage. It would numb the burn and facilitate healing, but nothing at all for the venom sluggishly working through his body. Karapass was thankfully prepared for that. The Grand Matron's horn was encased by her magic's green glow in an instant, flickering slightly at the teen's magic-nullifying presence.

Taylor had some control over it when fully conscious, but now he was in survival mode. The wild psychic forces wrought havoc even on changeling magic, making Karapass's job much more difficult. Green energy snaked into the stab wounds, pulling of congealed masses of blood as it went. A syringe was lifted to the teen's neck, effortlessly finding a weakly throbbing vessel. The needle's semi-clear liquid flowed into the poison-filled vein. Antitoxins cleared and dissolved thrombi, but it was unknown if it was counteracting the nerve-destroying venom. A few trickles of watery blood flowed from the marks Catach made in the human's flesh.

A few feet away, Jay and Arachni looked over the dryad's corpse. An expression of horror and pain was forever etched across the acrobat's face. The broodmother solemnly shook her head, disappointed at the mercenary's untimely death. The queen's eyes remained dry, even as the flautist checked her for an emotional response. The Pyromaniac nudged the dead hermaphrodite with his foot. It went without saying that he hadn't anticipated the corpse to grab his ankle. The teen stomped on the limb hard enough for the hard bones to snap, but Arachni's magic wrapped around the human's free leg before he could do more damage.

“Hold for a moment.” The queen's muted eyes turned from Jay, instead focusing on the only slightly dead dryad. The Grand Matron hopeful grabbed Taylor discarded powersabre, setting the Imperial blade to its lowest output. Cutting almost effortlessly through the hermaphrodite's oddly tough skull, she exposed the brain. Or at least where a brain should have been. Instead of the usual mass of grey matter, there was instead a large seed surrounded by a thick web of intertwining roots that must have served as nerves. Arachni quickly plucked the strange thing from its hold. She kissed it before carefully placing it in her saddlebag.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

I was dizzy, very dizzy. Muscles screamed because of a large oxygen debt, many cells likely dead. My eyes refused to focus completely on one thing, jumping from blurred object to blurred object. The darkest blob pulled me into itself, what felt like jaws wrapped around my torso. A familiar scent filled my nose, I would recognize Chrysalis's aroma anywhere. I did my best to smile, lifting a still-shaking hand to touch what I had to assume was her cheek. My terrible eyesight and shoddy aim resulted in a painful poke in the eye, but at least I could hear her laugh.

A pair of lips met mine, drawing three sounds of disgust and three of approval from third parties. I could at least recognize them as the CMC, Cadence, and Karapass. Oddly enough, it was Scootaloo that had given her adoration; I was expecting Sweetie Belle, maybe Applebloom, but certainly not the tomboy. Another needle stuck itself into me neck, giving what I hoped was a dose of antitoxin. Quickly, the chemicals helped clear my eyes and calm my trembling limbs. The added fluids in my veins helped, but it was no substitute for old fashioned erythrocytes and plasma. As much as I enjoyed my survival, there were pressing matters at hand.

The familiar tickle of psychic energy coursed through my brain, radically different from what Celestia and Chrysalis had done to me in the past. A twitch behind my eyes slightly reduced my vision's clarity, and I can best liken it to a television's reception after someone's started to steal your cable. The analogy led me to a grim revelation: I wasn't the only one looking through my eyes. I recognized the sensation as the statue from my dreams, this Deceiver that had been pulling the strings from within a stone's throw of where myself. My greatest fear was not my strings being cut, but rather the puppeteer tugging them in such a way that I harmed my loved ones. A single twitch and he could force me to snap Chrysalis's neck, it being so tenderly wrapped in my arms.

“Taylor?” I ignored Karapass as I tried to force my own mind through the connection, reverse it the same way I had when Celestia intruded. Neither of us were using magic, as least not as Equestria knew it, so it was a complete battle of wills. In this respect, I was battling a physical god, so massive was his psychic footprint in the world around me. I heard whispers, endlessly flowing through me, swirling into a maelstrom and touching my own consciousness.

“Settle down, you're about to ruin yourself.” Chrysalis's voice was soothing to my ears, though I also heard it with my outreaching mind. In trying to penetrate the Deceiver's defenses, I had instead tapped into the smallest possible measures of the changeling hivemind. The voices were innumerable, unknowable, and overwhelming in intensity. Just as the bombardment threatened to overtake me, it ceased its invasion, the connection destroyed on the opposite end. “Feel better?”

“Yeah, but my head is fucking killing me.” I took a pretty big whack from that lizard Catach had been riding. Wait, how did I know the dryad's name? I don't recall her ever introducing herself, nor did Arachni ever mention it within earshot. But, against all logic, I had the hermaphrodite's name. “So, when do you get crowned?”

“Not until you get back on your feet.” Chrissy gave me her best attempt at a stern look, or at least a look I would obey. On that note, I immediately attempted to stand. As I planted a wobbly foot on the ground, green magic pulled me up and ruined any chance at independent movement. A pair of emerald eyes locked onto my own, the slightly out of focus orbs quickly becoming clearer than any high-definition television could ever hope to be. “Cadence, could you take him back to the room for me? I have things to take care of here.”

“Yeah, sure.” With an almost imperceptible toss, control of me was hanged to the Princess of Love. The pink alicorn quickly walked towards the suite Chrysalis and I shared.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

“You're going to get yourself killed if you keep pulling stunts like that.” Mi Amore Cadenza was not happy with my continued disregard for my own safety, and she was hardly subtle in regards to showing.

“Yeah, probably.” I rolled my eyes at the young alicorn. She was a year older than Shining Armor, yet still a child in the eyes of her immortal kin. I opened my mouth to say something else, something of dire importance, but personal experience made me stop short. “You can just drop me anywhere.”

“Something wrong?” Cadence was genuinely concerned with my well-being. It was in her nature to care about others, and she knew being obscenely reckless wasn't part of my usual behavior. Even as she unceremoniously dropped me on the large bed, there was something about her that honed in on the one flaw in my stoic armor. “You're worried about something, aren't you?”

“Yes, and let's leave it at that.” The princess was about to say something, but a sharp look cut her off. It wasn't that I had a problem asking for things that I needed when someone had the means to easily provide them, but this request was better reserved for Luna than the young alicorn. I had a rather... unique problem, and it would take a strong heart to aid me. “You aren't going anywhere until Chrysalis comes back, are you?”

“Nope.”

$%$%$%$%$%$%
Extra – Yea, we Wept as we Remembered Zion

Big Mountain was a bust, the Courier had been rather direct in her displeasure at the group's presence. It may have had something to do with Taylor calling her a spicy Latina, but that was in the past. The foursome marched on, forever in search of something in the sun-baked wastes. They were somewhere north of New Vegas, on a barely-visible trail that had only recently been brought back into use. Trixie had proposed following the Happy Trails Caravan to find New Canaan, but leave a day behind them to avoid any possible ambushes. Strangely enough, the group came to a unanimous agreement.

“Check this out.” Lyra called to the group from the top of a rocky outcropping, using her binoculars to peer into the distance. The teal unicorn had adjusted well to the harsh life in the Mojave, but she had hope to return to Equestria yet. The amateur anthropologist was positively giddy at something. The fillyfooler was practically crying with joy. The other three members of the mercenary band lifted their own field glasses, and gasps rang through the small family.

“It's raining.” Jay almost sobbed at the sight, something taken for granted back home, yet incredibly rare in the arid land. High-fives and brohooves were exchanged; the foursome practically danced with glee at the prospect of a refreshing rainstorm. With renewed vigor, they set out to reach the almost infinite horizon. The dreams of treasure forgotten in the shadow of nostalgia, Zion Valley National Park rapidly came into view.

Light raindrops pattered against power armor, almost soothing enough to lull the ragtag team to sleep. Taylor undid his helmet's hermetic seal. Chilled drops of moisture hit his shaved head, cooling his sunburned scalp. Trixie and Lyra did their best to clean the dust from their faces, using what little luxury they had found to the greatest possible extent. Jay at least had sense enough to open the group's canteens and set them skyward before beginning his own relaxation. They spent a solid five minutes cooling off before the sound of automatic gunfire reminded them of their waking nightmare.