Angel Crashes a Wedding
by Prak
Some weddings are grand affairs, taking place in garishly opulent cathedrals and run with the precision of a perfectly-crafted clock. Dozens of ponies march in processions along the aisles while even more play music, all according to a strict schedule. Some even stand around doing nothing, their only task being to look good to the hundreds of others in attendance.
Many other weddings are simple and intimate affairs. Short ceremonies are often performed in town halls with only a few witnesses, typically family and close friends.
On the day in question, however, the wedding in Ponyville was neither grand nor simple. Beneath the afternoon sun on a clear day in early autumn, nearly every inhabitant of the small town had gathered in a field. A massive number of ponies stood in rows, but the rows were uneven. Some of them wore fancy clothes; others wore work clothes or nothing at all.
There was music, but there were no musicians. Instead, a tree near the front had been well-pruned and many of its branches left bare. Upon the branches, an assortment of colorful birds was perched, awaiting their cue to sing.
At the front of it all, just beyond the shadow of the old oak tree, stood a stallion. Big McIntosh was always an imposing figure, but when he brushed his hair and put on a tuxedo, his rustic air gave way to a regal presence that would have made Prince Blueblood weep with jealousy. Beside him stood his best mare: his younger sister, Applejack, dressed in equally uncommon finery.
Even on his wedding day, Mac’s stoicism was unbroken. Even though hundreds—perhaps thousands—of eyes were upon him, he showed no outward signs of excitement or concern. Applejack smiled enough for both of them, however, as Mayor Mare joined them beneath a white trellis covered in roses.
The cue was given and the birds began to sing. As they trilled in perfect harmony, Fluttershy stepped out of the large tent at the rear and started her walk down the aisle. She was clad in a white dress embedded with diamond chips that sparkled under the sunlight, and its long train was supported by four squirrels. The rest of her animal friends crept out of the tent and sat at the back to watch the proceedings.
All but one.
As the sun’s arc crossed into afternoon, its light reached through the western window of Fluttershy’s cottage and a thin ray slipped between two packed boxes, landing on the sleeping face of a white rabbit. Angel’s whiskers twitched as his face warmed up. When consciousness threatened to take hold, he rolled over, moving away from the light’s reach in a desperate bid to forestall the inevitable.
As he turned, something crunched under his back. Angel stopped and carefully looked down to find a half-eaten leaf of lettuce underneath him. Beside that, there was an overturned bowl with more lettuce scattered around it.
His eyes opened wide as his memory kicked in. How could he have fallen asleep? He had a plan, and it was far too important to waste time napping. The last thing he remembered was eating his breakfast, but he had just woken up. It made no sense for him to have fallen asleep again. Then he saw the white powder on the lettuce.
All the other animals were gone. It might have already been too late, but he still had to try. Angel raced to the door and climbed a stack of boxes to reach the knob, but the door didn’t swing open. No matter how hard he pushed or kicked, it wouldn’t budge.
He moved to the nearest window, but it wouldn’t open either. Through the glass, he could see a thick board nailed to it, holding it shut. Every other window and door, no matter how small, was similarly blocked.
Angel sat down in the middle of the living room, hanging his head. He was trapped. There was no way out. Every exit was sealed.
No. Accepting defeat wasn’t an option. The stakes were too high. He stood up again to take another look around the cottage.
There had to be a way out. He just had to find it.
As she made her way up the aisle, Fluttershy glanced nervously from side to side at the huge crowd. The entirety of the huge Apple clan—which she would be a part of in just a few minutes—was on her right. To the left, the entire town of Ponyville was watching her. At the very front, she could see four of her best friends. The fifth, who would be her sister-in-law, was at Mac’s side.
The birds’ song ended as she reached the altar and took her place beside the groom. The rest of the assemblage sat down as the mayor began the ceremony.
“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join McIntosh Apple and Fluttershy in matrimony.”
As Mayor Mare continued her oration, Fluttershy’s ear twitched as a familiar pattering sound reached it from far away. Turning her head slightly, she spotted a small white creature sprinting toward the site. Her eyes stretched wide, but her pupils narrowed. None of the ponies took any notice of it, but her animals all looked in that direction. Without making a sound, several of the larger ones, including Harry the bear, took off to intercept it, followed from above by the largest of the birds.
“If any pony can show just cause why these two should not be wed, let them speak now or forever hold their peace,” the mayor said.
Fluttershy snapped her neck around. “No one objects. Please hurry!” Mayor Mare furrowed her brow and tilted her head at the uncharacteristic display. “Now!” Fluttershy yelled, which came close to the normal speaking volume of most ponies.
“Very well. Do you, Fluttershy, take—”
“Yes!” Fluttershy said, craning her neck slightly to watch what was happening in the distance.
“Do you, McIntosh, take Fluttershy to be your lawfully wedded wife, to love and cherish, through joy and sorrow, in sickness and in health, for as long as you both shall live?"
As he prepared to answer, Big Mac’s attention was drawn momentarily to Fluttershy’s anxiously tapping hoof, then her quivering wings, and finally to the sweat starting to show on her brow and her panicked eyes. Every instant he delayed, she became more manic, but his concern about her condition was delaying him even more. Finally, he opened his mouth and said, “Ee—YOW!”
A raccoon had flown through the air and hit the back of his head.
The crowd collectively gasped as Mac stumbled and slowly recovered his balance. As one, they all turned to see the source of the attack. A small white rabbit was approaching, glaring at Big Mac as it hopped toward him.
“What the hay?” Big Mac said as he watched Angel. “What’s he doin’?”
Fluttershy hung her head and stared at her hooves. “I’m sorry. I tried to keep him away. I don’t know how he got out. I crushed a sleeping pill and put it in his food, then boarded up all the doors and windows when he fell asleep.”
“Did you board ‘em all up from the outside?” Mac asked.
“Of course,” Fluttershy said.
Big Mac nodded. “Doesn’t that window by your bed open inwards?”
“Yes,” she said. Her eyes widened. “Oh. Oops.”
Big Mac pressed on, stoically ignoring her mistake. “What do you reckon he wants?”
Fluttershy sighed and turned her back to him. “He won’t let you marry me unless you can defeat him.” Behind them, Angel danced around on his hind legs, throwing punches in Mac’s direction.
“I see. So all I have to do is knock out a rabbit, then we can get married. Simple enough.” Big Mac turned around to face the bunny, but Fluttershy wrapped her hooves around him and held him back.
“No! You can’t fight him,” she said, choking back a sob.
“It’s all right. I won’t hurt him too bad,” Mac said. He gently pulled her hooves off him and stepped forward.
“It’s not him I’m worried about,” Fluttershy said as she grabbed him again.
“What do you mean?” Big Mac asked.
“Look over there,” she said. Mac’s eyes followed her hoof into the distance Angel had approached from and saw a pile of…something. He squinted to make it out through the sun’s glare and it started coming into focus. The first thing he noticed was a bear’s head, its tongue hanging out and drooping toward the ground. Atop Harry’s belly, he spotted a pile of birds with all their feathers torn out. There was a porcupine nearby, struggling to free itself from a rock its quills had been jammed into.
Big Mac’s stoic expression melted away. His eyes opened wide and his jaw hung open slightly as he struggled to find words. “Wait a minute… you mean he—” He was interrupted as Pinkie Pie yanked Fluttershy away, then pulled a bell out of her mane and rang it to signal the start of the match.
He turned his attention back to the rabbit just in time to see a white streak flying at his face. The first blow staggered him and blurred his vision. He never saw the second one coming as Angel swept his front hooves out from under him. He flailed helplessly as the rabbit climbed onto his head and jumped up and down on him. At last, he did manage to make contact, but instead of knocking the critter off him, his foreleg was caught and wrenched sharply. Angel held it there, applying constant pressure.
Big Mac was nearly ready to tap out when Pinkie rang the bell again, ending the first round. Angel let go and hopped away to steal some water from one of the spectators, leaving Big Mac free to crawl over to Fluttershy.
“That rabbit’s dynamite,” he muttered.
“You don’t have to do this, Mac,” Fluttershy said as she cradled his head and gave him some water.
Mac swished the water around in his mouth, then spit out the bloody liquid. “Nope. I came here to get married, and that’s what I’m gonna do.” He slowly got back up onto his hooves and hobbled back toward Angel, who had polished off Snowflake’s drink—after knocking out its previous owner—and was ready for more action.
Pinkie rang the bell again and the two started circling.
Big Mac smirked and taunted the rabbit. “If that was all you’ve got, you ain’t gonna win this. I’m just gettin’ warmed up.”
Unfortunately, Angel had already finished his warm-up. Mac’s vision was filled with white as the bunny hopped onto him. Angel grabbed his ears for support, then executed a prolonged bicycle kick on Mac’s face with his hind legs.
A while later, Big Mac woke up when somepony threw water onto his face. His fiancée’s face slowly came into focus as he stirred. “Fluttershy?” he whispered.
“Yes, Mac. I’m here,” she said as she stroked the back of his head, being careful to avoid his battered face.
“Are you doin’ anything next Tuesday?” he asked.
“I don’t think so,” Fluttershy said. “Why?”
“Cause we’re gonna have to elope.”
Author's Note
This exercise in pointless silliness has been brought to you by a bout of boredom with a touch of sleep deprivation.
