My Little Pony: Friendship is Bacon
In the beginning there was bacon, and it was good.
Twilight opened her eyes for a final time before hopping out of bed and heading out of her room. She smelled something ...interesting, and she wanted to figure out what it was.
As she entered her kitchen, Twilight's eyes opened to their full width. Something had happened.
The walls around Twilight were now reddish-brown with streaks of white all over them. As if this wasn't enough for her to worry about, there was an odd smell, unlike anything Twilight had smelled before.
And Twilight liked it.
It was a salty smell, with deeper aromas surrounding it on all sides. It was almost indescribable, except that it smelled good.
Not good like fresh hay fries or good like a soft perfume. No, this was a different layer of good from that. This must be the smell of heaven itself. It must be the smell of the afterlife, it was just that heavenly.
And then Twilight understood. She had died while she was asleep and now she was experiencing the glorious afterlife, complete with odd-looking, great smelling walls, floors and ceilings.
Twilight was almost certain of it. Almost.
After smelling the walls a few more times for good measure, Twilight magicked open her front door and stepped outside, only to find that the entire world around her had now changed into this odd materiel.
There were no ponies around her and if she were still alive, she would have seen Spike when she woke up. This must really be the afterlife. And Twilight was glad. Glad to be able to take in the scents of heaven.
Yes, an eternity here would be good.
Twilight walked farther down the street, looking around as an attempt to find something that wasn't made of the wonderful materiel she had discovered.
And that's when she saw him, the one who must be God.
"Hello, young pony!" the immortal being shouted, his voice echoing across the land and shaking the reddish-brown stuff.
"Hello," Twilight said. "Are you the ruler of this place?"
"Why yes, young pony, I am the great king of bacon, Kevin," the magnificent great king of bacon said with the resounding voice of a magnificent great king of bacon.
"Am... am I dead, sir?" Twilight asked.
"Yeah, babe, I'm afraid you are. That's fine though it's all chill up here in the land of bacon," Kevin said.
"And what exactly is this ...bacon?" Twilight asked, curious about what bacon was.
"Why, bacon is the most beautiful thing in existence, darling. Here, try a piece," Kevin said as he pulled a freshly roasted piece of the good-smelling reddish-brown but a little bit white stuff from off of his back.
"Umm... I'm not sure I want to eat that..." Twilight said as she slowly backed away, kinda really freaked out that the stuff had been stuck to Kevin's back.
"Aww, trust me, babe, you really do want to try this," Kevin said as he put the piece of stuff in his own mouth and began to chew viciously.
"No, I think I really don't," Twilight said as she began to use her magic to wrap the creepy bacon god in his own bacon.
"Not my own bacon! You wouldn't! Not after everything I've done for you!" Kevin said.
"Yes I would. You're really kinda pretty flipping creepy, sir," Twilight said in the voice of the magical tiny purple horse that she was.
And that was that. Kevin's head disappeared under the bacon that he loved so dearly, and Twilight didn't have to listen to his words anymore.
But then the bacon around Kevin exploded because Kevin was invincible and awesome and he jumped towards Twilight and stuffed a ripe strip of fresh bacon into her smug purple face.
Then with an evil smile, Kevin chuckled, before saying, "you like bacon now, don't you?"
"Yes I do," Twilight said as she grabbed seventy-five more strips of the succulent grease-sticks and shoved them into her mouth, tasting the true taste of epicnessity and yum.
"Well, since you like bacon now," Kevin began.
"Yes?" Twilight asked in between her neverending mouth-stuffing.
"I just thought you might want to know that," Kevin continued, obviously building up to something big.
"Yes?" Twilight asked, anticipating that thing that she knew Kevin would say, that would likely be surprising and completely unexpected.
"Bacon is fried strips of Pig-butt!" Kevin shouted with all of his bacony voice.
After a few moments of utter silence, Twilight was the first to speak.
"YOLO! Bacon is good!" she said.
And that's when Kevin revealed his big secret.
"I'm secretly Fluttershy, and I eat animals because they taste good" Kevin who had this-whole-time-secretly-been-Fluttershy said.
"I don't care. I like bacon" Twilight said.
"What?" I said I'm Fluttershy, no I'm secretly an evil ...meat eater. I'm a carnivore, Twilight," Fluttershy said.
And Twilight had stopped listening to the yellow smudge on the ground because she couldn't quite hear it anymore, now that she was waaaaaayyyy up in the sky.
"Um, Twilight? You're kinda getting really, really fat and I don't think you're supposed to get that big. You may want to stop eating bacon now." Fluttershy said.
But it was too late. Twilight had failed to realize that bacon is made of pure helium and she had already started floating away, like a massive bacon-filled hairy purple balloon with a horn that she was.
And as much as her friend cried and shouted, she secretly knew that Twilight couldn't hear her, and never would hear her again.
And purple-blob-with-horn floated far, far away and ate the clouds which were also bacon before eating the rocks in the sky which were also bacon, before getting stuck in the orbit of a star.
--
And that's how earth was formed, boys and girls! Now that it's snack-time here at Miss. Gets-arrested-for-telling-really-creepy-stories-to-minors's school, who wants some bacon!?" Miss. Gets-arrested-for-telling-really-creepy-stories-to-minors asked.
And somewhere in a galaxy far, far away, a giant floating hairy meatball named Kevin said "me!"
Author's Note
I have sinned. Really, really sinned.
