Big Macintosh is the colt with no name in: A Whooveful of Bits
An MLP FiM fan fiction story by: MegaColt
Prologue
In the year 1862, a young foal was born without parents. At the time Equestria was in the midst of its first civil war. Luna’s rebels were trying their hardest to defend their new found Lunar Republic against Celestia’s overaggressive Solar Empire.The foal’s father was a soldier in the war who was killed in the first battle he participated in. The foal’s mother died as she gave birth to him. The fact that the colt lived through the birthing was a miracle. He nearly choked to death on his own umbilical cord while he slid out out of his mother’s womb. When the doctors deemed that he was healthy enough to leave the nursery, they sent him to an orphanage in the town of Ponyville. While growing up there, he became an extremely skilled gunslinger and student. Skills which would serve him well in the future.
The earth pony had promised himself that when he was old enough he would venture off to the country of Neighxico and earn himself a fortune by any means necessary. If that meant becoming a mercenary or a legitimate merchant, he didn’t care. Anything was better than the poverty he lived in while he was at the orphanage. When the pony turned 18, he had packed his things and galloped away from his home. His journey was to be long and laborious. His only goal was to make as many bits as ponily possible. What he found was more than he could have ever hoped for.
Part 1
The Neighxican Desert was no place for a pony. It was a beautiful, but desolate place. Sprinkled throughout this desert, were small villages where because of their remoteness, people would pay almost anything for supplies. Lawlessness ruled the land, and only the most ruthless and intelligent ponies made it big. Only the bravest, and most foolish even dared to venture there. Most ponies that went there disappeared. They became another city slicker who had lost their life trying to earn a fortune in the rogue country. One such adventurer was a dull red earth pony. A pony with a large muscular build and a reddish blond mane. He wore a tattered old poncho, but the most unique feature about him was that he was a pony with no name.
His travels had taken him far into the Neighxican desert, far from his homeland and anypony who knew him. They had taken him to a seemingly deserted set of houses. He slowly cantered up to a well that sat between the two adobes and began lapping up the water. It was some of the best tasting water he had ever had. He loved it so much that he accidentally gasped out in enjoyment, “Eeyup.”
As he drank, he noticed a young mare dash around one of the buildings. The filly couldn’t have been much older than seven. She was a white unicorn with a purple mane. The young mare didn’t even have her cutie mark yet. She sprinted to the neighboring building apparently on a mission. Suddenly, the unicorn climbed into a window, carefully searching for somepony or something.
“You!” shouted a harsh voice from within the adobe. “What are you doing here? I thought I told you to stay out!”
A struggle ensued and a small voice cried out, “My sister! Where is my sister? I only want to see my sister again!”
The traveler watched as a pair of vile looking banditos threw the unicorn out of the house.
“Stay out you foal!” shouted a rather fat, but fearsome looking bandito. He wore a bandoleer, a black sombrero, and a loose fitting poncho. The robust pony had a look of murder in his eyes. The two pulled out their revolvers and started shooting at the sand around the unicorn as she ran to the embrace on an older pegasus. The two banditos cantered towards the other adobe with intent in order to confront the pony who had taken in the abandoned filly. She was a frail looking yellow pegasus with pink hair. She looked as if she had once been a beautiful young mare but the desert had taken all of the beauty out of her. She looked wrought with sadness and care for the young unicorn.
The banditos then proceeded to beat the yellow pony. The fat one yelled between his strikes. “You filthy foal! How dare you mess with us again! You must keep the little mare away, or else it will be the last mistake she ever makes!”
The banditos then noticed the large pony at the well. The fat one scowled at him, daring the stranger to make a move for his gun. The red earth pony simply continued to drink his water. He watched as the two walked back to their hut. The nameless pony couldn’t help but feel bad for the pair of ponies that had just been beaten down in front of his eyes, but it wasn’t his fight. As he continued to survey the area something else caught his eye.
A beautiful unicorn was staring at him through a window in the banditos’ adobe. She looked like a larger version of the small one that had dashed across the trail, but she had a darker, well cared for mane. His thoughts were interrupted when he heard a bell toll. He wasn’t far from a town. He decided to gallop towards the source of the sound.
He arrived in a village that seemed to be deserted except for one nervous looking pony walking in his direction. The pony paid the stranger no mind as he passed him. The larger colt noticed a sign taped to the smaller pony's flank. It read: Adios Gringo! The red pony pulled out a cigar and slid a match across the brim of his hat. He calmly slid the cigar into his mouth, and continued walking to the town square where he was greeted by a strange looking earth pony.
The pony had pink curly hair and light pink fur. She said to the newcomer: “Welcome stranger! My name is Pinkie Pie and I am the bell ringer! Did you come to work for the banditos, or did you come to work for the Bucksters? Neither? Well certainly you came for a job, and if you use your head you will find one. You can get rich here, yes, very rich indeed, or you could wind up dead. Then I will wind up tolling my bell for you.”
The weird pony snickered as she cantered away. The nameless pony simply stared at her as she walked back to the village mission. The traveler thought she was a strange little mare; bell ringer was the perfect job for her. He continued to make his way through the town when he heard a harsh voice behind him.
“Hello there friend. Don't you know that it isn't wise to go wandering off so far from your home?”, a stereotypical looking cowpony told him.
Another pony then continued to insult the big red earth pony. “Perhaps, he picked the wrong path!”
A third pony then said, “He looks like he’d make a good scarecrow.”
The second pony then chuckled, “Oh no, the crows will probably scare him.”
They then drew their revolvers and shot at the ground around the huge mustang as they laughed maniacally. Quite surprised by the action, the nameless pony sprinted to the town's cantina and took cover behind a barrel. He had gotten in such a hurry that he dropped his trademark cigar. A purple unicorn greeted him just as he began to relax.
“Hola!” she said. The unicorn wore a jacket and had her hair up in a beehive. She looked as if she had been in the middle of fixing her hair when he had showed up at her doorstep. The newcomer thought she looked homely but at least she was polite.
“Hello there,” replied the big red colt as coolly as a pony can sound after being shot at. He seemed unaffected by the events that just took place.
Then Pinkie rounded the corner and laughed, “You can't get rich like that. At most you'll only succeed in being killed.” She turned around and sprinted away like a pony that had lost its mind.
The purple unicorn spoke up and told the colt on her porch, “Please come into my store, I have something important to talk to you about.”
“Okay.” Replied the stranger as he galloped into the cantina. The bar was a dim and musky sort of place. It was about as stereotypical as a western watering hole can get. Only instead of being busy it was nearly deserted. The bronco wondered how the purple unicorn could stand working in an establishment like that.
“My name is Twilight Sparkle and I run this place. Just let me say that the last thing we needed in our town was a pony like you. Tell me stranger, what are you looking for?”
“Just a meal and some cigars.”, answered the stranger.
“Sure, what will you have?”, spouted the unicorn as she walked behind the bar.
The colt smugly told her, “I’ll have anything but water.”
The unicorn walked behind the bar and lectured her guest, “That’s all your kind can do; kill and drink. I hope that you are smart enough to realize what is going on in this town.”
“You’ll have to put this on my tab,” said the red pony as he took a seat at a table and laid his hooves up on another chair.
Twilight continued her lecture. “I know you don’t have any money. After all, you have just gotten into town, but believe me there are plenty of ways to make money here if you don’t mind killing.” She looked at the big pony with a serious glare. “Nopony ever comes here to have fun. If you’ve come here to make friends you should leave immediately.” The purple unicorn gave the red mustang a glass of water and a plate of eggs. There was a slight pause as the bronco grabbed his plate. Twilight then continued trying to convince the big earth pony. “Believe me, there are no friends here. You don’t want to wind up buried in this town’s cemetery. By the way stranger, forgive my manners, but what is your name?”
The stranger looked down at the cantina’s wooden floor. “Well, I don’t know my name. I grew up in an orphanage.”
The unicorn looked at the colt with disbelief, but she recovered and said, “Well, I like your mane. It is a beautiful shade of blond. It’s very unique. Because of it, I shall call you Blondie.”
The bronco chuckled at the thought of having such a ridiculous name, but it was at least twenty percent cooler than being nameless. “Blondie? Well I suppose it is a fitting name. I kind of like it. Yeah, let’s go with that, you can call me Blondie.” The newly christened Blondie sat down on a table and put his hooves up. “You know I’ve never seen a more alive ghost town than this one. Tell me, what happened to it?”
“You will never see another like this one. Have you seen the other girls? There are no wives, there are only widows. Even I am a widow. My husband was killed last month. Here, in this town, you can only advance yourself by killing other ponies. Nopony has a legitimate job anymore.”, she said solemnly.
Blondie asked, “Why is that? What’s wrong with the town’s ponies?”
Twilight answered, “They have seen too many murders.” Twilight pawed at the ground trying to come up with a way to get Blondie to leave town. She seemed kind of nervous. Blondie had a sneaking suspicion that she had a crush on him. Why else would she care about him so much. “You don’t want to end up like my husband Blondie. When you finish your meal, get out of here.”
The pair were interrupted by the sound of what seemed to be a carpenter hard at work. The bronco smugly told Twilight, “It seems that somepony has a legitimate job.”
Twilight snorted and rebuked, “Who, her? That’s merely Ditzy Doo, the undertaker. She is so experienced she can take your measurements with a quick glance.”
Blondie studied the undertaker pony for a second. She was an off blue pegasus with one peculiar feature. Her bright, golden eyes were crossed. She smiled and waved a hoof at him.
“If you do not leave soon you will visit her workshop.”, warned the homely looking young unicorn.
Blondie told Twilight, “I can’t pay you if I leave now.”
To which Twilight replied, “Be my guest, just finish up and leave.”
The red mustang got up from his seat and walked up a set of stairs.
Twilight asked him, “Where are you going?”
“I’m just going upstairs to get a better look. Things always look different from upstairs.”
Twilight looked worried. She hurried to catch up to the handsome red stranger. Blondie looked to one end of the town where the gunponies who had shot at him when he entered town laughed over the deed they had just done.
“Who are they?” he asked. “They are the Bucksters, lead by a fearless earth pony named Appela Jackson Buckster, but everyone calls her Applejack. Those ponies are nothing more than vandals and smugglers. They’ve come down from Appleloosa to buy guns and liquor to sell to the native buffalo back home. These things are much less expensive here in Neighxico.”
Twilight pointed to the other side of the town, “Those ponies over there are banditos and they are lead by a ruthless unicorn named Ramane and his two brothers: Mineigh and Esteclop. Mineigh is the most reasonable of the three brothers so if you want to work for them, I would talk to him first. The banditos are the ones who control the liquor and guns here. Both factions fight for control of this town.”
Blondie turned around and started heading downstairs. “So there are two bosses you say? The Bucksters over there, the banditos over there, and me in the middle. I like the sound of that. Maybe that crazy bell ringer was right; there is a fortune to be made in a place like this.”
Twilight looked at him like he was insane. “Listen stranger, you are lucky the Bucksters’ gang only shot at the ground around you. They would shoot a pony just for looking at them in the wrong way. Whatever you’re planning on doing, forget it. Just leave before you get shot at some more.”
The blond maned pony simply smirked and asked, “Which one has more power?”
At this point Twilight had given up on his leaving. “Well...Ramane and his banditos have the best compound and the most money.” Blondie then turned from the upstairs window and lit a cigar as a he walked out the front door of the cantina. He was going to begin making a name for himself in this awkward little town or die trying.
Blondie looked as if he had lost is mind as he talked to the balcony of the abandoned mission which the banditos used as a base. “Don Mineigh, I wanna talk to you. I’ve got a feeling you could use some more good ponies, but I’ve got to warn you before you hire me, I don’t work for nothing.” The large bronco then began his journey to the other side of the town. Twilight watched Blondie as he headed for the Bucksters’ compound. She seemed worried about him. He was such a nice colt to her, but he seemed so confident in himself. She must have thought he was going to get himself killed.
As he walked he noticed Ditzy working on a new coffin. He haughtily told her, “Get three caskets ready to go.” It was a bold statement that confused the derp faced pegasus.
Blondie coolly walked up to the three smugglers hanging out at the Buckster’s corral.
The ringleader of the cowponies shouted at him, “Hey look, it’s that gringo again. I thought we told you to leave amigo, you should just light another cigar and leave this place. Oh that’s right you don’t have your cigars anymore.”
The red bronco merely smirked and began his speech, “No, no, you don’t understand cowpoke. When you started to shoot at me you made me drop my last cigar, and when I drop my tobacco I tend to get really mad. Now I understand you guys were just messing around, but I can’t understand why you would make me drop my stogy. Of course you could apologize to me and we’d all go about our lives.”
The bandits studied him for a second and after a brief pause laughed mockingly at the big colt staring them down.They thought that this pony was insane. He was going to take all three of them on at the same time! He was as good as dead if he tried anything. Besides, another pony had just came out of the stockade to back them up. He was going to be toast.
Blondie flipped up his poncho and showed them his gun. The look on the smugglers faces went from comedy to hysteria. “I don’t think it’s nice that you’re laughing.”
When Blondie said this the bandits’ faces became deadly serious. A look of murder flashed in their eyes.
“You see, I might get this crazy idea that you’re laughing at me, and not with me. Now if you apologize, I might convince myself that you didn’t really mean it.”
The desert sun blazed overhead. A small dust storm seemed to magically form behind the red bronco encircling him in a mystifying aura. For a second, time stood still. Suddenly a smuggler made a move for his revolver but the newcomer was faster. Before a pony could even blink an eye the four cowponies had made a mess of the corral with their brains. Blondie smiled and walked towards the old missionary on the other side of town as if nothing had happened.
He apologized to Ditzy, “My mistake, make that four coffins.”
Just then an older earthpony with a blond mane and golden coat who only wore an old brown stetson hat, rushed out to see what had happened.
She yelled at the stranger. “Now you just can’t come into this town and kill these here four ponies! You’ll be strung up for this.”
Blondie had a crazy smile on his face when he pulled out his revolver and pointed it at the pony.
“Don’t shoot! I’m Applejack Buckster, sheriff of this here town.”
Blondie lit a cigar and stuck it in his mouth as he said, “Well if you’re in charge here, you had better get these ponies in the ground.” The dashing red colt smiled and galloped to the banditos’ base.
===
“Well I told you I don’t work for nothing,” said Blondie to the cunning unicorn who was hosting him.
The Neighxican unicorn looked wise beyond his years. He had that same look of ruthlessness tint his eyes that the Bucksters’ men had. The pony wore a brown duster and a musty black sombrero. He replied, “I know what you said. I did not expect you to survive against those animals back there so I didn’t have the money prepared. Anyways, here are your hundred bits.”
Blondie finished counting his payment and pointed to a shot up suit of armor in the corner of the room. He asked the unicorn, “What is this for? It obviously didn’t do the wearer any good.”
The bandito replied, “It is Ramane’s favorite target. Of course he only uses it when he does not have anything better to shoot at.” The unicorn laughed as he said this. The newcomer chuckled as well, but after regaining his composure he asked “Where is Ramane?”
“It is none of your business where Ramane goes.” said the unicorn bluntly. “Prancisco, come here!” The same bandito who Blondie had saw beat the pegasus at the well came cantering down the hall. “
"You, come with me.”, the pudgy bandito commanded. The two slowly walked up the steps making no attempt to even acknowledge each other. That’s when he laid eyes on the most beautiful pony he had ever seen for the second time. She examined him for a second and then continued down the stairs. Blondie was mesmerized by her beauty, but he continued to follow Prancisco.
Blondie asked the bandito, “Who is she?”
Prancisco replied, “Her name is Rarity, but you had better just forget about her.” The two continued to walk down the hallway. “This one over here is your room.”
The colt walked into the room and took in his surroundings. These ponies had a nicer compound than the orphanage. That was a definite. The room was furnished with the finest Neighxico had to offer. It was decorated with fine art and was painted in the style of an Equestrian ranch. Based on his surroundings, the red earth pony knew for sure; this was the town where he was going to win his fortune, or die trying.
